It seems to happen frequently in those HFY story's that young female humans appear out of nothing at the helm of mighty spaceships. And then the crew and captain do not seem to know how that came to be. And only look in astonishment at how that unqualified alien controls the ship.
This is a continuation of another story where she had escaped her captors and took over the ship out of necessity. The story does have one weird cut where the writer left a sentence indicating that there was more to say but suddenly jumped time like the writer had decided the portion did not sufficiently progress the story. Either that or the reader lost track of his position in the story.
some observations. I used edit dialog for short story authors, two out of 4 got published. First, the ending is too abrupt. never explained how she got on the ship nor interfaced with the ship. You could cut half of the dialog out -- think about compressing the melodic line in music -- and add the beginning and a better internal/external debate at the end. A ship this powerful just isn't going to roll over and die. Too ancient granduer. And if it likes the kid, not her neither but it could rewire her nueral pathways. She doesn't want to become the ship but eventually she relents and does, oh say 5 books from now. Also, add something about the BBEG and how he knows how to control the ship. You could add this in as doses, creating segues from scene to scene. Story has potential but it needs a rewrite. Rewriting a story isn't unusual. Roger Zelazny once told me, write the beginning and the end then the middle. When you are done, you will have to rewrite the whole but now you will know how to rewrite it. David Weber does the same thing. I would also like to suggest you story board your stories. Its the same thing they do for motion pictures. I think it would help you focus.
Truth, brutal edits are fine. I wrote a 2000 word one and finished it at 8000 words and maybe threw out a thousand words. The ending took loads of goes, it was a butt :o Worth it in the end :o)
She died? Bit of an odd ending? What were we going for here, grimdark :o) “they simply froze to death in the soulless black” :D Meh, ive written crueller LOL. 😜
sorry but just plain stupid, but any Human will defend their life, so her actions were not realistic, and no one would have chosen to die of starvation in space
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It seems to happen frequently in those HFY story's that young female humans appear out of nothing at the helm of mighty spaceships. And then the crew and captain do not seem to know how that came to be. And only look in astonishment at how that unqualified alien controls the ship.
lol
Yea, sounds like the BS Disney does to Marvel and Star Wars.
@@pauldolman6504 👽👽👽👽👽👽
This is a continuation of another story where she had escaped her captors and took over the ship out of necessity. The story does have one weird cut where the writer left a sentence indicating that there was more to say but suddenly jumped time like the writer had decided the portion did not sufficiently progress the story. Either that or the reader lost track of his position in the story.
Whoop Whoop homies Smokem if you gottem 🧖🏼♂️ 😶🌫️ 🙏🏻
✌🏻 🐵 ✌🏻
some observations. I used edit dialog for short story authors, two out of 4 got published. First, the ending is too abrupt. never explained how she got on the ship nor interfaced with the ship. You could cut half of the dialog out -- think about compressing the melodic line in music -- and add the beginning and a better internal/external debate at the end. A ship this powerful just isn't going to roll over and die. Too ancient granduer. And if it likes the kid, not her neither but it could rewire her nueral pathways. She doesn't want to become the ship but eventually she relents and does, oh say 5 books from now. Also, add something about the BBEG and how he knows how to control the ship. You could add this in as doses, creating segues from scene to scene.
Story has potential but it needs a rewrite. Rewriting a story isn't unusual. Roger Zelazny once told me, write the beginning and the end then the middle. When you are done, you will have to rewrite the whole but now you will know how to rewrite it. David Weber does the same thing. I would also like to suggest you story board your stories. Its the same thing they do for motion pictures. I think it would help you focus.
Wow, thank you very much, many people say that History is rubbish but they don't tell me what's bad about it, that helps, thank you!
Truth, brutal edits are fine. I wrote a 2000 word one and finished it at 8000 words and maybe threw out a thousand words. The ending took loads of goes, it was a butt :o Worth it in the end :o)
How would she have even gotten on board? This is impossible!
Sci_fi?
She died? Bit of an odd ending? What were we going for here, grimdark :o) “they simply froze to death in the soulless black” :D Meh, ive written crueller LOL. 😜
Hey thanks for this! 🤣🤣🤣
Ship took her home. Just how did she get on the ship in the first place?
@@roserea3156 🤔🤔🤔🤔🤔🤔
@@roserea3156 maybe it was like ‘TWRP - Starlight Brigade (feat. Dan Avidan) [Official video]’ or a shadow ship and she just walked through its wall?
I liked the concepts in the story, but you need a better story teller. Oh, and the ending sucked.
sorry but just plain stupid, but any Human will defend their life, so her actions were not realistic, and no one would have chosen to die of starvation in space
ok
This is the most repetitive story I have listened.
You definitely haven't heard the old stories on my channel!
As I told you, it's because you haven't listened to the oldest ones on the channel!
It's repetitive but not the worst. The repitition shows a struggle taking place. There are some where I get fed up and stop before tthe video is over.
this sucks and I am gone
Thank you for commenting if you can tell me in what sense and what could be improved I always listen to my readers!