Cinematic Excrement: Episode 91 - The Mortal Instruments: City Of Bones
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- เผยแพร่เมื่อ 10 ก.พ. 2025
- What's worse than Twilight? A Twilight clone, natch!
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"She's like the Opposite of a Mary Sue! She's bad at everything."
It's a subtrope of the Mary Sue called the Anti-Sue. Note that while she's bad at everything, she's essentially a magical moron who fails upward throughout, or has an 'infallible guardian' to bail her out of everything, but people are still fawning over her despite all her obvious failings. It's indicative of an author has had characters called Mary Sues in past and is either learning to write more nuanced characters, or is trying to simply 'flip the switch' on their method - if a Mary Sue is good at everything, someone bad at everything must be a Good Character. But no, it's just the Anti-Sue.
This sounds like ‘The Worst Witch’
"There are approximately 4 billion vaginas on planet Earth, you can find another one"
Wise words Sean, wise words
Achillez He said the same thing in his Spider-Man 3 review. Check it out. 😂
And in one of his twilight reviews
Such eloquence.
Suddenly, being a villain in the 4th season of Stranger Things seems like a step up for Jamie Campbell Bower.
You know, this might be a hot take opinion but I don't think Jamie Campbell Bower has ever really been a bad actor. Sure, he hasn't always been in great movies (this movie and the Twilight saga are very good examples). I more so blame the writing of those movies and he probably was also not given the best direction either.
Okay, rant over XD
Nah, he has a very punchible face. No amount of acting talent can compensate for looking like Martin Skrelli's hot baby brother.
@@michaelwinchester5003right? He was excellent in Sweeney Todd.
This is seriously one of the most underrated channel on youtube ever.
yeg
act95 Amen to that! Smeghead is life!
Couldn’t agree more! I adore you Smeghead!
It really is! I've been watching for quite a while now, and I'm always surprised the channel doesn't have a larger following.
@@Elocinization might be the name and no logo.
Considering Lena Headey's GoT character is into incest...I guess like mother, like daughter?
Pointless fact: the word "Pandemonium" (loosely translated, abode of every demon) comes from Paradise Lost and is a city in Hell where demons gather and debate on how to conquer Heaven.
@David Parry Exactly
Subtle .... not.
Simon is clearly being shat on by Jace and everyone else, but his 'Nice Guy(TM)' attitude pissed me off.
Fun fact: like 50 Shades, Mortal Instruments started out as a fanfic. However, while the former got shit for being...rapey and terrible, the latter got shit for freaking PLAGIARIZING TEXT FROM OTHER WORKS!
Bsword640 so annoying. i could write better than her.
Bsword640 What was it a fanfic of?
Red Blade Renegade Harry Potter, hence the lead being named CLARY Frey and certain characters and plot points being unusually familiar
Both sides are pretty shit
I always make sure people know Cassie Claire was a prolific plagiarist during her fandom days. I mean, it would be one thing if she apologized or had been a nicer person but, alas. People no longer understand HOW famous she was in the Harry Potter fandom. How much money and praise and followers she had in the days before true social media, when the fandom was essentially brand new. She was a giant. And her fics were terrible, even without the plagiarism. (If you want to find them, the most famous ones were the The Draco Trilogy, as well as a Ron/Ginny Weasley incest fic called... THE MORTAL INSTRUMENTS, actually.)
Thank you for fighting the good fight. It's harder now that journalfen is down.
"Cassandra Clare" is actually a pseudonym for Judith Remult, from what I gather she previously used "Cassandra Claire" when she wrote Draco Malfoy fanfiction, but mysteriously dropped the "i" when she went mainstream.
Kind of like how Erica Mitchell changed her name to EL James after her stupid "Twilight" fanfiction became popular and she changed it up a bit to "create" (and I use that term loosely) "Fifty Shades of Grey".
Goddamn, even Stephenie Meyer named the self inserted main character erm.... thing... "Bella" and not "Steph" or... "Stephie". Shame on you, movie, you made me compliment Meyer!
Cirque Du Freak is probably the only self-insert story i've read that was actually
you know
good.
And the author doesn't even hide the fact that it's a self-insert story.
The main character is named Darren Shan after all.
Cassandra Clare is also the same women who wrote the Draco Trilogy of Harry Potter Fanfiction. It was not good.
victor hoang oh
Yet, she's claimed to be "genius". How?
At least it isn't My Immortal
oh god is that where the "ron the death eater" trope comes from?
It can't be that much worse than Cursed Child. At least the author isn't pretending it's non fanfiction.
Great use of Bane over M. Bison for the NC callback joke. It evolves the joke into it's own meme, separate from the Critic, I think.
I never get tired of seeing that Spaceballs clip XD
Dude! You had a perfect opportunity to use the scene from Ghostbusters when Venkman messes with Dana's piano claiming "they hate this"!!!
What if I told you The Mortal Instruments was a Harry Potter fanfic AND had Stephanie Meyer's seal of approval?
Do you feel sick inside?
Krystine Brown Very. 🤢
Welp. I can't unread that.
Yeah, Clary is supposed to be Ginny and Jace is Draco... Which, yikes
Noooo!!! I LIKE THE MORTAL INSTRUMENTS!!!
Krystine Brown What if I told you that Jace was played by a Young Gellert Grindlewald from Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows - Part 1 & Fantastic Beasts: The Crimes Of Grindlewald?
Nauseous now?
I'm surprised you didn't mention Cassandra Clare's very controversial history of plagiarism and cyberbullying. Seriously, this woman has gone through so much goddamn drama in the online world, there are wiki pages dedicated to it that are SO LONG. She once tried to get a girl kicked out of university. I'm not kidding. Clare is a fucking asshole.
I tried reading the books and couldn't deal with it. In the book, Clary (lol) and Jace are five million times more annoying than the movie. The tv show is actually better. It's certainly not the best, and in the beginning the acting is awful (save for a couple people), the special effects are cheesy and the swords they fight with look plastic, but it does eventually get better. Character-wise, it's much better than the books. In the books, everyone is a total fucking asshole, and don't even get me started on the way Cassandra Clare handles bisexuality. 😑
I'm not surprised the movie flopped. It has a very dedicated fanbase, but to the people who didn't read the books, the lore is just way too confusing. Also, it's a Harry Potter ripoff. Clary = Ginny Weasley, Jace is Malfoy (CC has written Ginny/Malfoy fics in the past before she wrote the Mortal Instruments), Valentine is Voldemort, and mundane = muggles.
The amount of money this woman has made off this is unreal.
Could you tell me more about the cyberbullying? I never knew about that! Why did she try to get a girl expelled? Do you have links about all of that?
EternityofDark this post has the most information. unfortunately a couple links in the post are broken but for the most part it's pretty thorough. alli6.tumblr.com/post/47193982199/cassandra-clare-and-things-you-probably-dont-know
zombiedrea ugh. plus making fairies part demon and angel is just ugh. i could go on.
Jeez
o.o
I got to the point in the book where we were told they are siblings and thought "Wow, where have I heard this plot twist before ...."
For the record, Freeform is a renamed ABC Family. They changed it after the attention Pretty Little Liars got, so now it's Disney's equivalent to the CW.
That's exactly what the OP said.
Also, "Now you must acquire a taste for free-form jazz..."
TheHeroOfTomorrow I think that's what was implied.
"But first, do I need to construct additional pylons?"
I died. Had to pause the review because I was laughing so hard. But hey, that's the first thing I thought of too when I heard that voice choice
The bones in The City of Bones is of the audience in the theater who saw this movie and killed themselves
You can still hear the cries for help
Finally! A CE video being posted while I'm still awake!
Am I the only one to have never heard of this movie?
me
Nathaniel Levesque
I haven't. Not until now.
110k+ votes on imdb, ive never heard of it either, i dont understand how
Nathaniel Levesque No. I knew about the books, but I didn't know they made an adaptation.
Consider yourself lucky.
14:27 to 15:02 Huh... so THAT'S where that popular phrase of yours originated. Cool story.
Hey Sean. First of, great work, glad you are here. You deserve more subs.
Secondly would you ever consider bringing back Annoying Bitch for a review or two? I know she was there for The Host just because it fit the movie you were reviewing, but honestly I was particularly entertained by her presence and would love to see- erm, hear more of her.
AssassinoJaxon I second that.
Yeah, she was fun^^
Theokal3 With you on this one!
Agreed.
I actually think the basic premise wasn't too bad. Certainly both masquerade-type setting and kitchen-sink ones can both work well.
However, I think one of the biggest problems was that (if you'll excuse the rather crude term) the franchise blew its load far too early. This is the first film, it's our introduction to the characters and their world and we have Shadow Hunters, demons, things that are also demons but look and behave differently, witches, werewolves, vampires etc. What's more, many of these things are given basically no explanation in terms of their powers or how they fit into the world. They're just kinda there.
Put simply, it seems like it would have been better to stick with the basics - the shadow hunters and demons - and maybe just hint at some other creatures that could be brought in later. Or maybe just have one of them (like a single vampire, who may or may not be directly identified as such). This way, you avoid complicating things for people who are still learning the rules of their world and also allow the other creatures to be fleshed out more when they do appear. It also means that you can make them part of the central plot of that story, as opposed to here when they're little more than time-fillers.
Other than that, I think the key is to avoid the 'trying too hard' aspect of the secret organisation (unless you're doing a parody).
I also can't stand protagonists who are basically The Chosen One for some contrived reason or other, but perhaps that's just me.
Oh, yeah. FilmmasterAdam reviewed this one, too. That movie sucked.
And here's something from the Heartwarming TV Tropes page of The Hunchback of Notre Dame 1996: "No one is obligated to love you, even if you're a good person and really deserve a loving partner. The object of your affections is still a person, and it's their right to choose. Basically, it's wrong to feel entitled to romantic love since only the other person can decide if you're right for them."
Make a note of this: if you're going to be a screenwriter, DON'T under ANY circumstances ever adapt a YA novel written to cash in on the TWILIGHT Saga's success... or any novel that followed FIFTY SHADES OF GRAY, for that matter.
I always love your reviews! You're so honest and point out things that no one else would. Every review cracks me up and you're so talented!! I can't wait until your next review!
Mortal Instruments, more like...
"Mortal Excrements!"
Bruh
The Bard YEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHH!!!!!
More like
Gay. Bones
10:00 CCH Pounder? Why?! You starred in The Shield, one of my favorite TV shows! What are you doing here?!
13:42 - 15:03 Thank you for that statement about being friend zoned. I get that it sucks but if you really are their friend you should be happy for them and there are plenty of other fish in the sea.
I remember watching this movie in the middle of blitzing through a novel during National Novel Writing Month, and it saved my ass. Even if I was writing shit, nothing I could write would be as bad as this bollocks. And this got published. Anyway, delightful episode as always, you make me cackle like nothing else can.
"If you're going to write a self-insertion character..."
It didn't do George Lucas Skywalker any harm. I've never even heard anyone mention that his hero's first name is basically just his surname.
Your videos come up every month and for the last few days I was coming back every five minutes wondering when it was gonna get here.
Your reviews are awesome.
I can see now why these books are a TV show.
This channel is not for people who hate or, worse, cannot understand sarcasm
7:00 Some corrections. The Clave the collective name for the political body made up of all active Nephilim (Aka Shadowhunters). The rogue Shadowhunters are known as the Circle (led by Clary's father). His goal in the first book and the movie is to find the Mortal Cup then, in later books, steal the Mortal Sword and find the Mortal Mirror (which is a lake in the Shadowhunter kingdom of Idris). Once he has all three he can summon an angel and build a new line of Shadowhunters to destroy the Shadowhunter society.
you really need more subs man you deserve over like 100k imo i always love when i see that you've posted a new video
Just when I thought you couldn't be more likeable, you go and reference StarCraft.
Mediball OP.
It seems like every YA novel adaptation has to be some sort of cheesy romance...
Hey when they adapted Percy Jackson it wasnt focused on romance!
I mean the adaptation was utter shit, but to be fair, it wasnt focused on romance....?
>She can store items inside a piece of paper
JOJO'S DID IT
Your talk about seeing the girl you like go out with another guy is so true. I just had that happen to me and this really helped
(*sigh*) Dredd was so good... Off to watch it again.
As someone who's spent half their life in unrequited love, and is writing a story about a charecter with unrequited love, I find it extremely hard to make the charecter likeable. I think it might work, if the charecter's seen through other's eyes, as being somewhat competant and kind, despite their patheticity. I think this guy is a pretty good representation of that. Though in my story, I'm trying to focus more on the redemption, like this charecter hates themselves for being a pathetic simp, and wants to find meaning in their lives again. Maybe there is chance for growth for such a charecter.
I can agree with all that. It was too much to work with and not enough time. That's why they made it a series!! * long pause* now that I think about it that might not make it better.
ashley cordova The TV series is actually pretty decent
About that "There are other women/men" comment; Yeah, sure, but the point of love is that it doesn't choose. Someone can be in love with another person who isn't available for a long time, especially if there is hope for things to change. As long as someone isn't acting like a creepy stalker or actually demands to be responded the same, I would not put it in a bad behavior category. Today's world is so fast-paced that people are expected to behave accordingly in and out of sentiments just like that. I didn't see the film to know whether this particular guy crossed the line, but the fact alone that he wasn't "over her" just like that doesn't seem weird or creepy. Any real love or devotion takes a lot to fully develop and probably even more to fade. Some people spent years in love with people who never loved them back, who stopped loving them or who died. Doesn't make the other side feeling any less. Love doesn't have a switch. If it did, everyone would be simultaniously happy.
In the book fight scenes last about 2 seconds because magic
3:08 Well, at least Lily Collins moved on to a relatively stable role... as the lead in "Emily in Paris"... 😅
That show may be mid (in my opinion) but at least she’s getting work.
That one line made a lot of fans of the series angry! Because it spoiled a MAJOR twist that the books kept secret til book 3. Both Krimson Rouge and Kytana nearly lost their shit over it, despite that fact that they weren't fans of the series.
Jamie Campbell Bower also played young Grindelwald in the original Harry Potter movies.
And Anthony in 'Sweeney Todd' and Vecna in 'Stranger Things'.
Here is a list of movies I want you to review:
1) T̶h̶e̶ L̶o̶v̶e̶ G̶u̶r̶u̶
2) I̶ K̶n̶o̶w̶ W̶h̶o̶ K̶i̶l̶l̶e̶d̶ M̶e̶
3) Rollerball (2002)
4) The Master of Disguise
5) Son of the Mask
6) In the Name of the King: A Dragon Siege Tale
7) Pluto Nash
8) H̶o̶w̶a̶r̶d̶ t̶h̶e̶ D̶u̶c̶k̶
9) Doogal
10) T̶r̶a̶n̶s̶f̶o̶r̶m̶e̶r̶s̶:̶ T̶h̶e̶ L̶a̶s̶t̶ K̶n̶i̶g̶h̶t̶
11) The Seeker: The Dark is Rising
12) Thunderbirds
13) Spy Kids 4
14) The Adventures of Sharkboy and Lavagirl
15) The Nutcracker: The Untold Story
16) The Room
17) Disaster Movie
18) S̶u̶r̶v̶i̶v̶i̶n̶g̶ C̶h̶r̶i̶s̶t̶m̶a̶s̶
19) G̶i̶g̶l̶i̶
20) B̶a̶s̶i̶c̶ I̶n̶s̶t̶i̶n̶c̶t̶ 2̶
21) The Spirit
22) The Haunted Mansion
23) The Happening
24) The Marine
25) Zoom (2006)
26) Old Dogs
27) Pearl Harbor
28) Foodfight
29) The Emoji Movie
30) Santa Claus Conquers the Martians
Son of the Mask?! Do you wanna fucking kill him?
I can tell you Gigli is already taken care of
Six are covered now, and we know Emoji Movie is coming.
This list need an update.
In response about the summary of the plot, I shall quote Spider-Man from the 1994 cartoon series: "This is starting to sound like a bad comic book plot."
17:25 "downstairs witch' - is that a euphemism?!? :D
Even watching the most "exciting" moments on accident at my videoclub couldn't convince me to rent it. And usually I would stumble on the worst bits and be convinced anyway(save from The Host, and I only had heard the first 5 minutes of that movie).
In case you haven't guessed it, I'm not a fan of these types of movies either...
Also I miss video rental places. If cinemas died I wouldn't shed a tear but I loved these small Videoclubs, with their vast array of colorful VHS/DVD/Blue Rays covers side by side on multiple alleys, old stuff on the middle, new stuff on the walls, smell of popcorn, films playing on the background to make you excited to rent or buy it.
Heck, even the Funko Pops, in all their silliness, were part of the charm!
Boy, I think I had an actual bout of nostalgiagasm, which is really rare: just to showcase that I'm not in the best of places: I can't work, I'm self isolating and sick, probably depressed even, although I have usually extreme tolerance to boredom and loneliness. Waiting for a stupid Covid test result and feeling bad about my employer although he's probably the cause of my current situation. Screw him!
Glad we can officially put the train wreck movie _and_ review behind us for a train wreck movie and solid review. Welcome back, buddy!
Michael Sheen doing his Aro thing always makes me laugh
I think I prefer the polar opposite of a Mary Sue, to a Mary Sue.
The person who sucks at everything, but coasts on other people succeeding for them?
Actually the movie you refer to at 1:40 is the second to last Divergent-movie.
They held out on making the last one (because smart), and never actually finished it.
As a dude who loves superheroes, Beautiful Creatures the book series was better than the movie. It had better written leads, villains with some complexity, and a lead with no powers but still had a plot and character arc
satireknight at least the lead was better than Jupiter ascending
THANK YOU FOR DESTROYING THE FRIENDZONE MYTH.
Coming late to the party, but I *did* read this book. Well, maybe 30 pages of it. It wasn't even worth the time THAT took.
YA fiction adaptations were to the 2010s what the disaster movie was to the 1970s (and late 90s). A flash in the pan fad that mostly produced shallow, vacuous pieces (with a few exceptions).
That's bs. I've been bitten by a enraged and troubled preteen and trust me, that guy would have noticed if a vampire(of all things) bit him!
Jajajaja. Loved the starcraft reference...
When my sister realised Cassandra Clare was a Harry Potter fan fic writer, her only reaction was "Oh... that explains TOO much..." XD
Wait, that guy's supposed to be attractive? He looks like an unholy blend of Benedict Cumberbatch and Kodi Smit-McPhee.
MetFanMac Nah, he looks more like a recovering drug addict
Looks like he did a line before shooting.
i do hope that sometime before i leave this earth to a world of eternal peace, to see a movie in which dracula decides to hunt down and destroy every damn twilight-style vampire out there!
Unfortunately Twilight vampires are too indestructible for Dracula to destroy, although I won't be surprised if used to head the Romanian Coven with Stefan and Vladimir
Runes you say? Could this universe be linked to the Halloween 6 timeline???
16:37 It's quite simple really, it's the work of the enemy Stand 「Enigma」
JoJo references Everywhere!!!!
10:01-10:05 Ya know what? If I was making this movie I would have turned that into a joke: "Why? I don't remember anything she'd want me to forget." locks up for 2 seconds. "Okay, I swear that made sense in my head."
We all know you are mad. You watched Twilight more than once !
When you were talking about pro wrestling advice, I feel this is equally applicable...
"IT DOESN'T MATTER WHAT YOU THINK!!!"
Flowers in the Attic is the OG YA book series
16:36 how the Great Duwang did I find a JoJo reference in a twilight clone movie! Seriously that's not an weird trait, that's a freaking stand ability for DIO's sake!!! If it's a power that it's soooo very specific on what it does then yeah it's a stand power!
Movies I hope are your next review (and if not, here are some suggestions for another time):
- Return of the Killer Tomatoes
- Sheena
- The Slumber Party Massacre 1 + 2 (Because why not?)
- Surf Nazis Must Die
- Sleepaway Camp 2 + 3 (Again, because why not?)
Thanks for the break!
22:18: Well, thank god she's playing the main villain in the Defenders Marvel Netflix show, or her career would be ruined.
Just an FYI but the word "pandemonium" means "the abode of all demons". It makes sense that "demon" would be in the word.
THANK YOU!! I was waiting or this review since I saw this money waster. And I paid full price for it to. Great Review! I have no idea what you're doing next.
Sean, you're doing God's work. *salutes*
In the book, the answer to the sibling thing was revealed in book 3(theyre not siblings in the book either). I liked it that way... it added a bit of controversy even though it was disgusting
Why is every "young adult" movie some cheesy story where
1) Adult Society is either a knockoff of Harry Potter or a cheesy dystopia where the world has become a high school caste system, complete with the same lunch room cliques (e.g. jocks, nerds, etc).
2) The plot always centers on some plain, boring girl whose "going to change everything". But she never gets a real hero journey or becomes a normal leader.
3) Boring girl is always the center of some love triangle featuring 2 hot guys whose only other personality traits are "friend zone" or "taciturn chad", and of course she strings them both along indefinitely with the movie's blessing.
This combo is why I think this "genre" proved to largely be a passing fad. Not only did the stories become cheesy & predictable really quickly, but they were incapable of producing top tier characters or acting performances that could've compensated for it.
Yup that's a perfect summary of the genre
Garcia and stohbl did good with the the Caster Chronicles book series; it's basically Twilight but said in the south and done much better with spell casters and demons.
I'll have to look for this series now
This movie just feels like a world of darkness fanfic.
of course.
"... a club called Pandemonium. Pan-DEMON- ium. ...
Demon. It says demon."
😂😂😂
I don't know if anyone's brought this up, but the Clave is the name of the Shadowhunter government the bad guys are opposing, not the bad guys themselves.
Clary, while not common is definitely in current use in the UK at least. The number of free vagina comment was one of your funniest.
I honestly forgot this movie (and the book) even existed.
I would not put the "Hunger Games" series in with the rest. There is a romantic triangle in it, yes, but it's certainly not sappy and it takes a back seat to the Games and the war and whatnot (which is why it's much better than all the rest).
mst3KGf
it's exactly as bad
Its all the same !
satireknight
And worse than Hunger Games by a large margin
Which is saying something
I still think it’s a very flawed movie but still somewhat enjoyable when it’s not being stupid (no, it’s political commentary isn’t that amazing, parks and red does it way better and that was a comedy series). So yeah, still better than the rest.
Now you have to review Fallen! The most recent of the young adult science fiction book movies that also didn't do vary well at the box office.
There was a good umbrella academy joke for robert sheehan, but this review was a bit too early for that
Considering that this is from the same studios that brought us the film series that claimed to be based on Resident Evil and somehow grubbed our money, I'm not surprised that this YA Novel adaptation of Mortal Instruments turned out to be garbage. At least Mila Jovovich wasn't in it.
If truth be told, I actually forgot that this movie existed
Some Random Guy Most of the world did to
@ 15:20
Would this be a love polygon? A love quadrilateral? Help me out here, I suck at math.
I’d go with “quadrilateral,” because “polygon” just means “a two-dimensional figure that can have many sides (3 sides and angles is the minimum needed to classify a figure as a polygon.)”
Clary looks like she drank Polyjuice Potion with Harry Potter's eyebrow in it
also watching this made me realize how much better the casting is in the TV show. SO many characters are way better played in the show.
Thanks to a bizarre form of intellectual masochism on my part, I actually went to the library and read the first two books.
My career path is now set: a gram of methamphetamine, a fifth of Jonnie Walker, and my laptop. Oh, Buddha... Writing this style of tripe is as challenging as pissing my name in the sand after eight beers. Seriously, I've created more interesting drama while sitting on the toilet after a night of consuming Lone Star and bad fajitas. Just, ugh.
No lie, I thought he was gonna do The 5th Wave.
AmishParadise27 (AKA: Tyler) me too but this is just as bad
AmishParadise27 (AKA: Tyler) You and me both.
I did to, but I'm thrilled he did this instead. Right after this came out in video I sent him an e-mail asking him to smear this movie. I wish it hadn't taken 3 and a half years, but he got to it.
Same here!
10:45 Uhhmm because they have read an Elder Scroll and they have worked for the Glukkons? Just guessing...
Not Another Teen Movie made fun of the friend loving the main girl back in 2001.