I sucked at awana because I was unathletic, couldn't memorize verses and was overwhelmed by all the noise. I didn't know until 2 years ago that I was autistic and was overstimulated in that environment.i felt so much shame for being me.
I went to Awana and I didn’t even know about the Olympics. I did hear about Bible Quizzing though. I always thought it sounded fun but I didn’t have any friends there… I was one of those bullied kids. XP
I remember Bible Quizzing. My parents didn't want me involved because they didn't like the competitive aspect of it. But the kids that quizzed were like the royalty of the church youth.
It was a weird "class" thing at my church too. The kids that did bible drill were treated totally differently by kids and adults alike. Most of those kids also had the (dis)advantage of being homeschooled so their life was bible verses 24/7, which makes it really easy to memorize them.
My dad forced me to do it. My church was part of a sort of league that had meets twice a year and covered churches all over SC and Georgia. The age limits were 10 to 18, and I quizzed for that entire span of my life. A part of me (far too big a part of me, really) enjoyed the competitive aspect but I hated having to spend all the time studying and even more time at my church for practices.
What stands out to me as you share these journal entries is that you seemed to have an intense fear of losing your AWANA group. Understandable given that was your primary social outlet.
We called Bible quizzing “sword drills” in my youth group, and I hated them, too. Personally, I would LOVE to see a full-length documentary about AWANA culture from you!
Oh yes, "sward drills" were so fun for me in church group because my brothers and I always won, so we got prizes. They did not know that my parents made us "sword drill" daily during our family devotional sessions, and we kids competed against each other. Sometimes it was just for fun, but most of the time, the loser got privileges taken away from them, so it pitted me against my brothers. Looking back, it was mental abuse by my parents as we had to watch the sibling that lost be punished. By the time we were 10,12 and 14, we banded together to ensure that each of us got something we wanted and never missed something important by agreeing to lose on purpose to protect each other. My mother mainly did this as my father worked so hard during the day that he would mostly come home and sleep.
@@debbied9997 What a good idea! And how great that you realized that the drills were fostering unhealthy sibling rivalry and found a way out of it. Your actions to help each other were a better embodiment of Christian values than any amount of Bible memorization.
@@JoshMcSwain Did you ever do that thing where you sneakily stuck your finger in Psalms because it’s in the middle and it was the easiest place to find things in both Old and New Testaments? Yeah I cheated at sword drills, so what. 😆
I was raised liberal protestant, and never heard of AWANA before this seties...when you read your journal, I can't help feeling how lonely and sheltered you sound. I'm grateful to you for sharing this experience and your stories!
Have you ever considered publishing any of your journals? (or at least redacted versions, since I know there must be a lot of personal/private entries?) From what you've read so far over the course of your channel, it seem like you've documented a really unique experience that I would love the opportunity to read through. Even the bits that might seem more mundane are so interesting to me. No pressure of course, I just wanted to show my interest in case its something you've thought about :)
About 15 years ago I picked up a book from the library that was a published journal of a real girl in the 70s documenting two years of high school including family, sports, crushes, and friends. It was one of my fave reads ever, wish I could remember the title and buy it in hard copy. Anyways, wanted to piggyback on the idea that there's value in publishing journals of non-famous peoples' ordinary lives!
@@nothingtofind9099 It might be worth asking a librarian about it the next time you visit! Most staff librarians have a masters degree specifically in finding information and know a lot of search techniques to help you find a book even if you have limited information about it! My sister's a librarian and I'm amazed at how good she is at finding books based off a summary and a publishing date range alone
Ive thought about making an autobiography! Her journals and mine were very similar 😅 glad to hear theres someone out there whod be interested enough to read it!
Thank you so much for your openness when sharing your experiences. I don't know which parts impact me more. As an older ex-fundamentalist / ex-evangelical at the beginning stages of my own deconstruction, I identify with the self-conscious, self-esteem issues: feeling like I am not as good, feeling like a failure and bad Christian, constantly feeling condemned, particularly as a result of "purity culture" and my progressive attitudes about LGBTQ issues and women's reproductive rights. As a parent of now adult children I have guilt about how evangelicalism, constant fundamentalist church culture and indoctrination, and even AWANA may have negatively impacted my kids. My motives at the time were well-intentioned, but being an undiagnosed autistic with generalized anxiety disorder (now diagnosed), I was trusting the church to be "trustworthy". I am now a year into therapy for my anxiety and in the second month of my deconstruction. Your videos as well as the videos of other TH-camrs (such as Genetically Modified Skeptic) have helped me begin to sort out a half century of indoctrination (I started out as a Catholic) and 25 years as a fundamentalist / evangelical. Thank you for sharing.
Reading my journals from when I was a teen and twenty something is a mix of cringe and pity. The whole "giving it to God" about everything hits home about how I really wasn't allowed to truly have anything. It was a forced mental impoverishment that just hurts to read about. I feel so bad for my past self.
It's fascinating to me how similar AWANA was to my own fundie denomination's youthclub, Pathfinders. We also did Bible memorization, competed against other groups, camped, and had workbooks to fill out. Ours was more of a copy of Boy Scouts with badges and marching in uniform, but had the same drama and pitting kids against one another.
This was us too, except it wasn't Awana, it was Zephyr in Texas, the Wilds in North Carolina, and the Wesleyan Bible Camp at Table Rock. These were all the same themes and games. I signed quite a few Purity Pledges at all these places.
My dad taught AWANA. I literally remember the awful theme tune word for word and how we were bribed with Chuck E Cheese toys for memorizing so many Bible verses. Nice to see a fellow escapee/survivor of all that.
WOW this video took me back. Awana games was my favorite part of the year too. Our group was very athletic, and we straight up TRAINED for the games. We took it way more seriously than anyone else there (even at the time I knew this haha). We would have time trials at club for each event and you’d literally have to earn your spot in the event by getting the best time.. the agility game you showed with the pins - I was the fastest so they “put me in” on the day. Soooo competitive idk why. Looking back, my group was also super petty!! So much gossip. I related to everything you said about the “friendships” in Awana. These videos are like therapy for me to see the clips with my adult, exvangelical eyes. Can’t wait for part 2!
First, it's very validating to hear someone else use she/they. Second, this unlocked so suppressed memories for sure. I appreciate you speaking out on this.
Same 😂😭 literally I don’t remember much of what I did in Awana because I’ve blocked it all out but these videos have brought back those memories and they hit hard.
@@KingofCrusher it means that the person uses both she/her and they/them pronouns, i understand the way it’s listed can be kind of confusing, but that’s all ^^
Oh man I can tell my awana experience was the same but like at the same time not. My awana only went to the to the 5th grade. And when I got to youth group which started a 6th grade it was such a relief. All we did during youth group was eat, do a Bible study, and play video games. Even though I don't really go to church anymore I still have fond memories of youth group.
Thank you so much for sharing these videos. I grew up with many of the same experiences as you, but still have not gotten to the point where I am able to talk about all of it in detail. My partner did not grow up religious, and truly wants to understand how my experiences in fundamentalism impacted me, and these videos are so helpful in explaining them to him.
Oh, man... what a trip. Flashbacks... I actually recieved a "scholarship" to awana camp in...Texas, I think? Around 2001. Because I memorized so much. It was... intense. I still have all my journals and stuff, I may have to dig through them after this!
Talk about being transported to the past: I went to Awana at the church in the clip!!!! 😳 I recognize the “announcer” and another one of the leaders. I didn’t do Awana Olympics in 2005 though so I’m not there 🤣
Thank you for a great video! I did not grow up fundie but strict Catholic and then moved to the Bible Belt and went to a fundie homeschool group in highschool. Although my experiences were different from yours it’s comforting to watch your videos and your deconstruction process because I am also deconstructing!
I did AWANA too and vividly remember bible quiz and the AWANA olympics. I only did AWANA officially through 6th grade because our club was too small to do JV and Varsity, but I continued the materials on my own through high school because I went to AWANA Scholarship Camp every year and had to complete the books every year to go (camp was my choice--I was the only one of my siblings to go that far into AWANA because I wanted to go to camp so much). I remember a lot of pressure from my mom around AWANA--she made me study my verses at home every week and wouldn't let me stop until I had them word perfect. I did great at bible quiz because of this, but I also resented the amount of time I had to put into it, even though I did mostly enjoy it at the time. My dad was also our club's commander for most of my childhood. All the stuff I experienced through the club and through camp is...A LOT to unpack as an adult.
Yes! - definitely experienced the bullying/drama culture, lead by adults & pitting kids against each other. This is my entire elementary & middle school experience, and being a favorite victim of this kind of bullying has definitely impacted my confidence in adulthood
I didn't realize AWANA did stuff for older age groups! I was in it when I was really little, so the younger groups like Cubbies and Sparks. I'm really glad I found your channel, it feels good to be validated about our weird experiences
Watching your videos has helped me remember a lot of stuff from my childhood. I didn't have detailed journals like you, so it's just left up to my brain. I also did AWANA from Cubbies until Varsity and I remember hating it as I got older. When I was younger, I think I really enjoyed the opportunity to socialize with other kids. I didn't really like any of the lessons or memorization, but I remember loving the recreational activities. I was never really into sports or gym class at school but I really liked what I got to do at AWANA, but I think that was because of the director. Looking back I think he made a point to not make it feel very competitive and to have it feel more like play. And when we went to the "olympics" every kid got an opportunity to participate in a competition. He made sure no one felt left out and less "athletic", because we were kids and that stuff shouldn't matter. And I think it's really nice that I can find such a nice memory within a childhood that I hated, and reading the comments I know that is not really the experience of others. So I'm really grateful to him for creating that space and to you for helping me remember. 💜
Thank You so much for your videos! This is one of the best channels I've ever seen, and have been watching every one of your videos since I found you. I never knew how to explain how I felt about my childhood. I didn't know why becoming religious again scared me so much, But your videos helped me realize. I was raised a fundamentalist, and might have come out with more religious trauma than I cared to admit. I relate to your videos so much, despite not being fully entrenched in it, or homeschooled. I still got plenty of programming every Sunday since I could remember. And your videos have been such a catharsis for me. Thank you so much and I look forward to seeing all your future videos. And wish you so much happiness. ❤
I feel like you could take all of your experiences and write a book called something like “Where Have All The Good Girls Gone: A glimpse of growing up in Christian Fundamentalism”. You have opened my eyes about how much the good child ideal was something that was only obtainable at a high personal price. I reflect on my Christian upbringing and how much being a “good girl” played into that, and how it messed me up mentally. I didn’t feel like my own person most of the time. Thank you for sharing💜
oh yes, and the 'good girl' persona becomes a huge liability for getting into abusive relationships, because we're not allowed to say 'no', to express displeasure, or to even have a sense of self other than 'pleasing'!
That's actually an interesting book pitch and the book could include essays from various people who lived through fundamentalism as kids and experienced "good girl" syndrome.
Elly everything on your channel is so healing, and you've helped me reconcile a lot of my own healing and faith deconstruction. Bringing things to light (like for example how you're reading past entries that you wrote) can really be such a strong way to turn the tables, to take something that we cringe about how we used to be, and to turn it into "wowww look how far I've come".
I was in girlscouts, and a lot of the descriptions of your group and trips really struck a cord with me. My group was composed of varying levels of dedecation to the concepts of both "scout" and "girl". I was lucky enought to have friends outside my scout group, that were probably closer. But there is just something about that group trip/camp atmosphere. It can forge connections despite outside circumstances. When you wrote about staying up until 1am talking with your tentmates i can remember doing those same things, even though we all came from extreamly different circumstances. And feeling a certain kind of bond that is very difficult to explain. Even though I've drifted from all of those people as an adult, the convorsatioms and bonds we forged as adolesents remain precious to me. Even though there are many incongruencies i find myself having to reconcil. Something also that strikes, me from an outsiders perspective, is just... everything good is because of jesus, everything bad you do is your own fault. Its just. A real double standard, nothing good is because of you, but everything bad is because of your failings and is disappointing jesus. You can only take fault and not credit. Somehow it just feels extreamly minipulative and ficked up to raise a child, a person that must make many mistakes to understand their own world, in that environment.
I haven't watched this yet but I'm already looking forward to your video. Good thing this is a series, I think I could listen to you speak for an hour or more easily!
I went to AWANA through the final year of Guards(I still have my Timothy Award). My parents had "planted" a church that we started having children's mid-week service the year I would have started JV. I remember being so upset at the time as a homeschooled kid because my only friends were the ones I had made at AWANA. Looking back I still have some resentment, but I am also glad I was able to get out of that system when I did.
I really like how even as a repressed teenager you still found an outlet for your creativity. I can’t wait to see what you are able to do after this healing journey you are on. I have a feeling you’re really going to get good at a professional level at videography.
This channel is probably not for me since I do not have religious trauma. I was a member of AWANA in Haiti. When you grow up in poverty and can't pay for private lessons or sports, church activities become a lifeline for young people. They are free, they occupy your time productively, they encourage studying, exercising, socializing. Sometimes, they offer your only meal of the day. I only have good memories of my time in AWANA.
I was in AWANA back in the mid 80s. This does bring back some memories. Thank you for sharing and I am going to have to check out the rest of your videos.
I remember my best friend getting quiz champion during our senior year because I got one wrong and she got them all right. The question asked which book precedes Ezekiel in the Bible and I read “proceeds.” I really hate how into Awana I was, but I know it was because I was so sheltered. Edit: I forgot about the athletic competitions! I won three legged race year after year. Another girl in my church and I completely eliminated every other team by passing them one year.
6:50 It was kinda like this in my group growing up too, though mostly towards everyone outside our group. It was this air of "oh bless their hearts" and "those poor souls not coming into the light", just general things the leaders did which clearly displayed that if we didn't conform, they might talk about and look down on us like they treat those "poor souls who strayed from the light". Once in High School (Journey) they even had an assignment where we interviewed our non-christian friends about religious questions, and I was excited for it to be a cultural broadening experience, but instead it was merely an opportunity to ridicule and pity our friends who kindly let us interview them; to break them down and build us up. It even lead to some fellow students writing in the entries left blank (we didn't have many non-christian friends) mocking answers playing as if they were atheists answering the questions, further ridiculing the "outside" group so to speak. I was disgusted and that was the final straw to my leaving awana.
So I attended a Greek Orthodox version of the Olympics event and the sound of the gym absolutely transported me ‼️‼️ We didn’t do the Bible quiz fortunately lol, honestly in a lot of events it felt like the prayers we had to do were an appeasement for the church officials… there was no way to have a secular Greek get together, the only way to experience the community was thru church. That makes me sad bc now my cultural community is incredibly limited :(
I left church way back in 2008 but I'm just now going back and making sense of all the christian nationalism, guilt, shame that I grew up on. Your videos have been extremely helpful, thank you.
Our church didn't have enough students to have a presence at the Olympics for our middle/high school clubs, but I participated throughout my time in Sparks and Pals & Pioneers. It's strange, I always looked forward to it, but when the actual day came... it was so miserable. Honestly, many of my most upset memories are from AWANA. I am so glad my kids are not growing up in that environment.
Darn! You have a good point about privacy. I was excited for the documentary for like 6 seconds tho. I always regret that I never recorded anything that happened to me. Records of my life are like 6 physical photos until I get into my 20's and could afford a device that takes photo or video like a cell phone or digital camera. I'm like ten years older too, I think. Without any proof, parents can lie all they want and deny everything. And it's harder to believe your own memories than it might seem. With someone saying "You're making something out of nothing" thousands of times from birth until... forever. And the whole world and religion seemingly backing them up... Well... proof becomes even more valuable.
seeing your stories makes me even more proud of everyone doing the work to deprogram themselves from the beliefs that hurt people; I can't imagine feeling like I could leave a group and a family like that, which I guess is probably what they wanted. thank you always for sharing
I'm so glad TH-cam suggested this to me! TH-cam's been suggesting so many church broadcasts and conservative Christian programs, which in itself is creepy. I thought this would be one too but am pleasantly surprised that TH-cam is actually sharing a video that pushes back on fascist Christianity. Keep it up. I left a Greek Orthodox/Catholic upbringing, which was very difficult but absolutely necessary for my well being and survival.
Fellow ex catholic from Italy here, and I had pretty similar experience to what they're describing here in my youth group, so much so that I found myself nodding off all the way through the video
Finding breathing room in weird places like this is so understandable. Also oldest here (of 8) and a ciswoman. And school was where I got to be a kid. Even though it was way more intense than a normal schooling environment, it felt good to me bc i was allowed to NOT be in charge of things.
Once again, you were LITERALLY the MOST adorable child ever! Even as a teenager you were so adorable!!! 🥰 I actually helped my team win a Bible quiz competition in my middle school youth group. I got a $5 gift card to Blockbuster (I think I just aged myself with this comment).
Thank you for making these videos about AWANA. They are the only proof I have to show people that this wasn’t just a fever dream… because it’s as absurd as it sounds.
So as you were explaining all the subtle bullying and smack talking behind each other's backs a song popped into my head...that happens a lot, song lyrics can be wise in subtle ways...anywho, the song is Walk by Pantera, it's about respecting yourself enough to walk away from toxic people pretending to be your friend, or rather telling them to walk away and "be yourself by yourself, stay away from me". I know you have probably never heard of Pantera but I seriously believe you would like that song and it's message. (RIP Dime & Vinny) I'd honestly love to see you react to it for sh!ts & giggles.
Can I just say I greatly appreciate your gender awareness and inclusivity. I know you’re mainly doing it to support your sibling, but it makes this demigirl stranger also feel seen. One doesn’t realize how very binaried the world is until one is outside of it or holds someone outside of it dear, and it may not matter to most that you make the distinction of AFAB versus just saying you’re a girl, but it matters to me. Thank you.
My Awana career in late elementary school was very rough for me. I had just moved from my old Awana in the city, and here everyone was much more loud, rough, and rude. Our leader screamed and yelled all the time. They had a nerd theme nights, which only increased my shame as a growth delayed kid in glasses. I spent a lot of time sidelined in dodgeball, staring at my reflection in the windows and daydreaming that I was someone else.
Talking about the drama at AWANA between adults brought back memories. I did not grow up in AWANA but I worked at a church that had AWANA. In my church we had a boy that loved to read The Bible, to the point his family made it pretty culty to be honest, but he was a sweet kid. I thought he would love the program. So, I took him every week for one semester. They made him at 10 years old start with the preschoolers. They told me he had to earn his way up to his age group. He worked really hard, and they just wouldn't let him move up. This just broke his heart and made him feel worthless in his faith. I found out that the leader never let kids move up because she wanted the biggest group. I felt horrible, because this lady was normally really nice, but I had to actually yell at her infront of my boss to move the kid up. Luckily, my boss agreed I had to stick up for the kid. The boy moved up but his mom and I decided at the end he was getting nothing out of the program. Looking into it the program was so odd to me, but I thought it was just the way that area of the country was.
Do you know anyone else who was in AWANA that would also want to talk about their experiences? As a psych major, it also fascinates me what factors come into play to make people leave and see it as it was. Versus people who maybe stay in it for life. Great channel, I love that you are authentic and humble. You don't try to put on a performance or be funny. Its refreshing.
Please feel free to message me, I have been outlining and starting to draft a book about my experiences at AWANA and my Evangelical church. Would love to share my thoughts!
Again, thank you for these videos. I was always the Bible quizzing star at my home church but always got last place at the competition at large (I was really in it for those pins though!) and never participated in the Olympics/Games. I was allowed to go to camp during JV and Varsity and I have good memories with the friends I made during that time.
Oh my goodness. These videos took me back. I did it all, but hated the Olympics. My parents were best friends with our awana missionaries, so my family was part of the traveling crew that set up all the Olympics and Bible quizzing in the different cities. So we got to participate as extra teammates for smaller churches, several times a year.
I watched your first video, and I have to say, it got me a bit nostalgic. I think I really have mostly fond memories of Awana. Now that I see the title of this video, I remember doing a Bible quiz against other churches. My team absolutely dominated, and I loved it. Anyway, I know you're much more critical than I am (which is fine). I'll be glad to watch this video now.
I didn't get to push it into JV and Varsity (though I wanted to at the time), so I have stronger memories of my elementary years. Fascinating hearing what the middle and high school years were like! Also, running in that circle exacerbated a hip condition I had and caused my duck footedness to become more pronounced, and I had to have a cast to force my feet to turn outwards again. Wild memories.
I loved AWANA when I was in Sparkies. I liked pleasing the adults around me as a child and had always been told that I was smart, so obviously I had to live up to that. I have never been athletic, so never enjoyed the AWANA Games, but I tended to do pretty well in Bible Quizzing (paddles only, not the buzzer section). It also helps that my mom did Bible Quizzing in her youth, though not with AWANA, and I wanted to be like her, so Quizzing it was. I am lucky, my mother did let me go to camp without her, from the end 6th grade on (summer of 2007). Yeah, there's a lot to unpack.... my mom actually ended up doing all the memorization alongside me, she became a leader, but also had to say her verses every week to a different leader. Like a couple other kids in my group, I earned my Citation Award at the same time as my mother, near the end of my Senior year of HS. (Pretty sure I was depressed most of my HS career, but I had lost most of the pleasure in my verses and sections back in my Freshman year. I felt guilty about it, but I could not bring myself to care... same for going to church. Sometimes it made me uncomfortable.)
This might be a little long lol I was heavily involved with my local Assemblies of God Bible Quiz group as a teen (I was also homeschooled at the time). It became pretty much the only way to socialize with other kids my age, apart from youth group. We would go to competitions all over Maine, and we even went to Regionals a couple of times (basically teams from Maine to Pennsylvania). I was really competitive too, and every year, I would quote whole chapters at a time from Romans, Thessalonians, Acts, Galatians, and a whole bunch of others. Fast forward to today, I'm 21, and I've considered myself an agnostic atheist for a couple of years now. Looking back on it now, it's bizarre that I spent so much time memorizing the New Testament word for word, but when I read it now, (especially Paul's writings) there's a ton of stuff that's sexist, homophobic, overly black and white morally, and tribalistic. And that just never occurred to me as a teen for some reason. I think that my critical thinking skills were simply underdeveloped back then, not to mention the fact that my siblings and I were pretty sheltered. The friends I made in Bible Quiz are still some of my best friends today, but over time I've changed quite a lot, both in my religious beliefs and in my political ones. But not all of them are aware of this, and whenever we hang out, I try to minimize how often I allude to my own beliefs. Because if I vocalized them, it would just make things awkward. Anyway, that kind of turned into a rant 😅 But if you got this far, I just want to encourage you that if you're starting to deconstruct your beliefs while everyone else stays the same, your concerns and your questions are valid. Don't be afraid of your own curiosity or your own ability to think critically. Have a great day ❤️😊
Fellow former Assemblies of God member here, having grown up near AG HQ and my mum being the editor of their youth magazine (OnCourse), I remember how competitive Junior Bible Quiz was at our church. I was never interested in it and whenever we’d do sword drills in kids church, I’d fail miserably. The kids who could do it were seen as the smartest and most valued by the pastors. I also went to public school and was allowed to watch SpongeBob, which many of my parents’ peers looked down on them for. After leaving the AG (my mum was laid off for having a mental health crisis which landed her in inpatient psych), I began to realize what a restrictive and traumatic environment it was. My mum is still a Christian, but I am in the boat of being 21 as well and also leaning more towards the agnostic side of things. I know it’d break her heart to know that I don’t believe in God anymore, but the trauma from all those years created a trigger response that makes me want nothing to do with it, even though compared to others, it was a lax upbringing.
I attended a couple of churches that started awana. The program actually had a negative effect on the church. First, it became a baby sitting service since activities like choir practice and prayer meeting was on the same night. Then, other "ministries" suffered. Most adult leaders enjoyed the authority; rank, uniform etc. And since the program was all preplanned, they didn't have to do much preparation. Basically, awana took over. Unlike your group. Most of the kids just went along with it with little enthusiasm. That rope game must be a patented trademark. I see it in 99% all awana advertising. I never participated in awana. Your video confirmed that was one right choice. Once again, thanks for your video and taking time to read this long-winded post.
I didn't do anything like awana but I definitely resonated with you talking about how parents were part of the gossip and bullying in church groups- it was palpable at the church I grew up in and definitely rubbed off on us kids- I remember judging a friend and her family so hard when they stopped going to church, especially since I knew it was partially because my friend had a ton of swim meets on sundays. I couldn't understand how anyone would put their hobby above church... though in hindsight it was also jealousy. I never found church very engaging, usually it was actively uncomfortable in one way or another, and struggled with not enjoying what was supposed to be my life's purpose. Turns out being a lesbian with undiagnosed adhd makes sitting through church services a very othering experience. Thank goodness my parents at least recognized that I /needed/ to doodle through sermons for them to be tolerable. the few times they tried to get me to stop drawing during church.... torture
When I was in third grade, my mom took my sister (older), brother (younger), and I to an Awana orientation meeting to see if we would enjoy it. My sister and brother "appeared" to enjoy it (I put emphasis on appeared since it's possible they were faking how they felt so they wouldn't upset mom and/or the church). I for one did not. In fact, I started tearing up at one of the rooms we rotated to (there were many we went to given all the activities to do in the program) because I thought it was boring. Yes, I was the cry baby who would cry when something was boring. I just couldn't see how I would enjoy something that was more like a classroom and that you had to memorize a myriad of bible verses so you could win fake money to buy crappy toys and candy. My mom ended up not enrolling me given my reaction to the program, but my sister and brother became Awanas. Looking back, I wonder if I offended the church by crying at the presentation because it was boring. I would assume the vast majority of the people that ran this mega church knew I am autistic and that I didn't stick to social norms (which I would assume is a major part of Christian nationalism).
I really relate to what you said about those fundie youth environments. 1) subtle bullying: I know EXACTLY what you mean. There was so much socially sanctioned (by adults and church elders) toxic masculinity (seen as male comraderie to teach boys to be men), othering, slut shaming (seen as teaching girls to be godly women), backbiting, bad-mouthing anyone who left church not for another church in our network as a "backslider". 2) elitism - youth leadership seemed to be very based on popularity and whom you were friends with, not dedication to scripture or how one lived one's life. 3) Absolutely sucky for anyone who wasn't confident or capable at sports. Although in our teens most girls just didn't really have sports events in our youth hangouts which became dominated by the guys because of girls not wanting to be ogled by boys or slut shamed if sports gear was "too revealing" (eg shorts "too short" - but of course it was body-dependent and thin girls got less scrutiny and less sexualization for that.)
Elly--I only recently found your channel and have really enjoyed watching your videos. Thank you for making them. While I grew up in a more moderate Christian family (still left its own scars), I have experience with people like the community you came from. One example: I went to grad school in a very liberal city and had a classmate who, upon reflection, is probably fundamentalist. She even has many of the same mannerisms you did when you were a teenager, which is kinda creepy--is there a fundie affect? She was uniquely one of the most difficult people I have ever had to work with. Ungrateful, discriminated against the disabled, clearly had a lot of inner conflict which she refused to deal with cuz Jesus. I hope she's able to escape that cycle someday. I think she'd be a much better person (and, frankly, much more "Christ-like") if she could step back and have a serious look at it all.
the other day i was driving through a part of town i had never seen before, and saw a church with a flag with the awana logo on it. i didnt know what to think but i instantly thought of this channel
Bro the bowling pins😂 This takes me back…. I was in Awana for about 3 years (4-6th grade). There was definitely lots of drama between the adults. Some toxic parenting… I felt like I had a pretty good experience though. My church didn’t focus on the old curriculum. Mainly just memorizing verses and the games.
You are a very strong woman so sorry you went through so much hardship and pain becausereligion you are a beautiful intelligent person you always have interesting content
I don't like that she is reading a script. It sounds less sincere then speaking from her heart. For all we know someone wrote that script for her but I won't go that far. I just want sincerity. I agree it (life) is spiritual warfare I'll probably be ghost banned for my comment but I prefer a more simple way to live.
@@crystalgiddens7276 She wrote the script. The words in the script are her own sincere thoughts. Some people have a hard time describing their experiences to a camera without outlining a page of notes first.
I was a champion Bible quizzer. I carried my team to victory at least twice. The Olympics, on the other hand, were never that great for me. The only time I ever won was when our church teamed up with another because neither could field a full team on their own. I can definitely relate to trying to avoid making things into an “idol.” The church works hard to make sure you never really enjoy your life or exercise your talents.
I did Awana 3rd thought 8th. I have alot of good memories of it. We used to tie dye our own shirts. I loved our leader for 5th/6th especially. I'll have to think more if there was drama or things that I missed but I felt we had a good group and leaders that cared. Normally I very much understand and agree with what you say on a variety of topics. The amount of mental weight you carried at that age and the parentification at home I definitely relate too.
I relate so much. At my Awana group, the Bible quiz was separate from the Olympic sports games. My group consistently made 2nd place 😂 I went to an Awana camp, and pretty much just got bullied the whole time, but went back the next year anyway because I wanted a week away from home. You remind me of my childhood best friend. She's still very fundie and unfriended me online years a go. I think she homeschools her kids now. My leaders were so mentally/emotionally abusive. A fellow attendee and I were moving around the same time, so they hosted a goodbye party for us. I had called and gotten a ride from another girl/her mom. They didn't tell me that she had made plans to sleepover with someone else, so I ended up having no ride home. Everyone I asked, their parents said no, and the leader had no choice but to take Mr themselves. On the car ride they told me I was too old to make that mistake and I shouldn't have come (to my own goodbye party) if I didn't have a ride. Then she revealed she knew I was being abused, but I wasn't the only one, so I should suck it up. I got "lucky" and my parents passed away, so I got to move in with an Aunt who never went to church the summer before 9th grade. My life would have been very different if that hadn't happened!
I hope your Aunt was good to you, I had an aunty I went to live with as a teenager because I was being abused, she taught me what kind of mother I wanted to be, she was lovely.
never stop exposing the traumas they put us through in their quest for a christian dominionist victory. you've quickly become one of those few, favorite content producers- the kind that is all but guaranteed to pump a solid hit of truth out each time! greatly appreciate you and your channel!
I have so much to say! I didn't continue with Awana into my teen years (my church didn't offer JV or Varsity), but at 10 I was a regional Bible Quizzing champ. 😂 Oof, the gossip and bullying. In retrospect, it's clear to me that in a culture that fosters insecurity in every single person, folks try to one-up each other in order to feel a bit better about themselves. I talk about the sort of sociology of 'youth group favorites' in one of my videos. At my church, 'be in the world, not of it' didn't go very far because the 'favorites' were the prettiest, thinnest, most extroverted, etc. Also, I know several moms who experienced similar issues to your mom. I've just kind of broken through to my own mom about the physical effects of trauma just recently. She has always had unexplained "health issues."
My dad recently asked me if I had fun going to Awana as a kid. I told him I hated Awana. I was unathletic, bad at memorization, and had trouble fitting in.
I attended my school program similar to AWANA, without memorising bible verses. I was the ordinary member in this leadership dynamic identical to the Juche or caste system, no matter how much effort I put. The student leaders are those who are privileged and love to gossip. I had a blue belt in Taekwondo, but it was no use. P.S., Taekwondo values integrity and effort over class privilege.
For some reason this makes me remember the Dragons in our Midst series - god, maybe I should do a dramatic re-read of the cringy Christian fantasy my parents gave me in an effort to keep me from reading Twilight and Eragon
Oooh I remember that series:) ......my excessively religious aunt got me hooked on those books......I never finished the series though because the clerk at barnes and noble made fun of me for ordering them 😒 and that really sucked..... they also made fun of me for the Guardians of G'Hoole series.....it's pretty much like The Warriors but with Owls instead of cats......the church and my parents convinced me to give up that series....because it had references to magic.....and my dad thought it was causing me to have night terrors (it wasn't) so they convinced me to sell them at a church yard sale......I deeply regret that decision because I almost had all the books......but everyone made fun of me for being a freak that was obsessed with Owls so idk maybe it was for the best...🤔 My parents were even skeptical of the Raising Dragons series because "Satan is the great Dragon" BS 😅 Yeah I um never had any fun as a kid.....
I also bought a Dragonology book from a book fair when I was like 9 :)......and it had pictures of wizards with dragons so my dad "bought" it back from me and burned it in the grill ......that really sucked because it was just silly kid make believe magic and I really liked that book.....but nope.....it was "offensive to god"......
I was in and out of various groups like this since we moved a lot. I hated the popularity contest aspect of it. It was just as cliquish as school, but it felt like a worse betrayal since Christians were supposed to be more welcoming. I hated Bible races and memorization contests. I was never any good at them.
WHAT IS SPECIAL ABOUT BEING A HINDU? By Francois Gautier. *Diversity in Divinity and Unity in Spirituality.* 1) Believe in God ! - Aastik - Accepted 2) Don't believe in God ! - You're accepted as Nastik 3) You want to worship idols - please go ahead. You are a murti pujak. 4) You dont want to worship idols - no problem. You can focus on Nirguna Brahman. 5) You want to criticise something in our religion. Come forward. We are logical. Nyaya, Tarka etc. are core Hindu schools. 6) You want to accept beliefs as it is. Most welcome. Please go ahead with it. 7) You want to start your journey by reading Bhagvad Gita - Sure ! 8) You want to start your journey by reading Upanishads - Go ahead. 9) You want to start your journey by reading Purana - Be my guest. 10) You just don't like reading Puranas or other books. No problem my dear. Go by Bhakti tradition . ( bhakti- devotion) 11) You don't like idea of Bhakti ! No problem. Do your Karma. Be a karmayogi. 12) You want to enjoy life. Very good. No problem at all. This is Charvaka Philosophy. 13) You want to abstain from all the enjoyment of life & find God - jai ho ! Be a Sadhu, an ascetic ! 14) You don't like the concept of God. You believe in Nature only - Welcome. (Trees are our friends and Prakriti or nature is worthy of worship). 15) You believe in one God or Supreme Energy. Superb! Follow Advaita philosophy 16) You want a Guru. Go ahead. Receive gyaan. 17) You don't want a Guru.. Help yourself ! Meditate, Study ! 18) You believe in Female energy ! Shakti is worshipped. 19) You believe that every human being is equal. Yeah! You're awesome, come on let's celebrate Hinduism! "Vasudhaiva kutumbakam" (the world is a family) 20) You don't have time to celebrate the festival. Don't worry. One more festival is coming! There are multiple festivals every single day of the year. 21) You are a working person. Don't have time for religion. Its okay. You will still be a Hindu. 22) You like to go to temples. Devotion is loved. 23) You don't like to go to temples - no problem. You are still a Hindu! 24) You know that Hinduism is a way of life, with considerable freedom. 25) You believe that everything has God in it. So you worship your mother, father, guru, tree, River, Prani-matra, Earth, Universe! 26) And If you don't believe that everything has GOD in it - No problems. Respect your viewpoint. 27) "Sarve jana sukhino bhavantu " (May you all live happily) You represent this! You're free to choose, my dear Hindu! This is exactly the essence of Hinduism, all inclusive .. That is why it has withstood the test of time inspite of repeated onslaught both from within and outside, and assimilated every good aspects from everything . That is why it is eternal !!! There is a saying in Rigveda , the first book ever known to mankind which depicts the Hinduism philosophy in a Nutshell -" Ano bhadrah Krathavo Yanthu Vishwathah"- Let the knowledge come to us from every direction
are you familiar with the pathfinders clubs? its a children's program from the seventh day adventist church, a little similar to awana but way more militarized
I sucked at awana because I was unathletic, couldn't memorize verses and was overwhelmed by all the noise. I didn't know until 2 years ago that I was autistic and was overstimulated in that environment.i felt so much shame for being me.
autistic here and this is a ton of noise just to hear secondhand. i was just thinking that.
I went to Awana and I didn’t even know about the Olympics. I did hear about Bible Quizzing though. I always thought it sounded fun but I didn’t have any friends there… I was one of those bullied kids. XP
Same actually. I’m both autistic and ADHD
As a former leader and LIT I’m sorry for all that you had to go through. I love you @GabbyKitty. I was also placed on the spectrum.
@@natalievogel2654 so sorry. Me too.
I remember Bible Quizzing. My parents didn't want me involved because they didn't like the competitive aspect of it. But the kids that quizzed were like the royalty of the church youth.
It was a weird "class" thing at my church too. The kids that did bible drill were treated totally differently by kids and adults alike. Most of those kids also had the (dis)advantage of being homeschooled so their life was bible verses 24/7, which makes it really easy to memorize them.
@@trombonegirlJH I always memorized things easily but I didn't like being peer pressured into stuff.
My dad forced me to do it. My church was part of a sort of league that had meets twice a year and covered churches all over SC and Georgia. The age limits were 10 to 18, and I quizzed for that entire span of my life. A part of me (far too big a part of me, really) enjoyed the competitive aspect but I hated having to spend all the time studying and even more time at my church for practices.
We don’t all get to win in life
What stands out to me as you share these journal entries is that you seemed to have an intense fear of losing your AWANA group. Understandable given that was your primary social outlet.
We called Bible quizzing “sword drills” in my youth group, and I hated them, too. Personally, I would LOVE to see a full-length documentary about AWANA culture from you!
Oh yes, "sward drills" were so fun for me in church group because my brothers and I always won, so we got prizes. They did not know that my parents made us "sword drill" daily during our family devotional sessions, and we kids competed against each other. Sometimes it was just for fun, but most of the time, the loser got privileges taken away from them, so it pitted me against my brothers. Looking back, it was mental abuse by my parents as we had to watch the sibling that lost be punished. By the time we were 10,12 and 14, we banded together to ensure that each of us got something we wanted and never missed something important by agreeing to lose on purpose to protect each other. My mother mainly did this as my father worked so hard during the day that he would mostly come home and sleep.
@@debbied9997 What a good idea! And how great that you realized that the drills were fostering unhealthy sibling rivalry and found a way out of it. Your actions to help each other were a better embodiment of Christian values than any amount of Bible memorization.
I've always had big hands so trying to flip thru those fine Bible pages quickly was always hard for me
@@JoshMcSwain Did you ever do that thing where you sneakily stuck your finger in Psalms because it’s in the middle and it was the easiest place to find things in both Old and New Testaments? Yeah I cheated at sword drills, so what. 😆
@@kandyjo love is very beautyfull thing if every person can understand that love is religion then life will full only with peace happyness
I was raised liberal protestant, and never heard of AWANA before this seties...when you read your journal, I can't help feeling how lonely and sheltered you sound. I'm grateful to you for sharing this experience and your stories!
I was raised orthodox and still am, and I’m grateful for not doing that😭
Have you ever considered publishing any of your journals? (or at least redacted versions, since I know there must be a lot of personal/private entries?)
From what you've read so far over the course of your channel, it seem like you've documented a really unique experience that I would love the opportunity to read through. Even the bits that might seem more mundane are so interesting to me.
No pressure of course, I just wanted to show my interest in case its something you've thought about :)
About 15 years ago I picked up a book from the library that was a published journal of a real girl in the 70s documenting two years of high school including family, sports, crushes, and friends. It was one of my fave reads ever, wish I could remember the title and buy it in hard copy. Anyways, wanted to piggyback on the idea that there's value in publishing journals of non-famous peoples' ordinary lives!
Or writing a memoir with lots of excerpts from your journals.
@@nothingtofind9099 It might be worth asking a librarian about it the next time you visit! Most staff librarians have a masters degree specifically in finding information and know a lot of search techniques to help you find a book even if you have limited information about it! My sister's a librarian and I'm amazed at how good she is at finding books based off a summary and a publishing date range alone
Ive thought about making an autobiography! Her journals and mine were very similar 😅 glad to hear theres someone out there whod be interested enough to read it!
@@nothingtofind9099 try r/whatsthatbook! They've helped me find all kinds of books I forgot the titles of
Thank you so much for your openness when sharing your experiences. I don't know which parts impact me more. As an older ex-fundamentalist / ex-evangelical at the beginning stages of my own deconstruction, I identify with the self-conscious, self-esteem issues: feeling like I am not as good, feeling like a failure and bad Christian, constantly feeling condemned, particularly as a result of "purity culture" and my progressive attitudes about LGBTQ issues and women's reproductive rights. As a parent of now adult children I have guilt about how evangelicalism, constant fundamentalist church culture and indoctrination, and even AWANA may have negatively impacted my kids. My motives at the time were well-intentioned, but being an undiagnosed autistic with generalized anxiety disorder (now diagnosed), I was trusting the church to be "trustworthy". I am now a year into therapy for my anxiety and in the second month of my deconstruction. Your videos as well as the videos of other TH-camrs (such as Genetically Modified Skeptic) have helped me begin to sort out a half century of indoctrination (I started out as a Catholic) and 25 years as a fundamentalist / evangelical. Thank you for sharing.
There was more diversity in that group than I expected to see, tbh. I think pretty much *ALL* shades of brown hair were represented!! 😂😘
😂😂
Reading my journals from when I was a teen and twenty something is a mix of cringe and pity. The whole "giving it to God" about everything hits home about how I really wasn't allowed to truly have anything. It was a forced mental impoverishment that just hurts to read about. I feel so bad for my past self.
It's fascinating to me how similar AWANA was to my own fundie denomination's youthclub, Pathfinders. We also did Bible memorization, competed against other groups, camped, and had workbooks to fill out. Ours was more of a copy of Boy Scouts with badges and marching in uniform, but had the same drama and pitting kids against one another.
This was us too, except it wasn't Awana, it was Zephyr in Texas, the Wilds in North Carolina, and the Wesleyan Bible Camp at Table Rock. These were all the same themes and games. I signed quite a few Purity Pledges at all these places.
My dad taught AWANA. I literally remember the awful theme tune word for word and how we were bribed with Chuck E Cheese toys for memorizing so many Bible verses. Nice to see a fellow escapee/survivor of all that.
WOW this video took me back. Awana games was my favorite part of the year too. Our group was very athletic, and we straight up TRAINED for the games. We took it way more seriously than anyone else there (even at the time I knew this haha). We would have time trials at club for each event and you’d literally have to earn your spot in the event by getting the best time.. the agility game you showed with the pins - I was the fastest so they “put me in” on the day. Soooo competitive idk why.
Looking back, my group was also super petty!! So much gossip. I related to everything you said about the “friendships” in Awana. These videos are like therapy for me to see the clips with my adult, exvangelical eyes. Can’t wait for part 2!
First, it's very validating to hear someone else use she/they. Second, this unlocked so suppressed memories for sure. I appreciate you speaking out on this.
Same 😂😭 literally I don’t remember much of what I did in Awana because I’ve blocked it all out but these videos have brought back those memories and they hit hard.
I don't even know what that means, isn't she and they the same thing?
@@KingofCrusher it means that the person uses both she/her and they/them pronouns, i understand the way it’s listed can be kind of confusing, but that’s all ^^
Oh man I can tell my awana experience was the same but like at the same time not. My awana only went to the to the 5th grade. And when I got to youth group which started a 6th grade it was such a relief. All we did during youth group was eat, do a Bible study, and play video games. Even though I don't really go to church anymore I still have fond memories of youth group.
Thank you so much for sharing these videos.
I grew up with many of the same experiences as you, but still have not gotten to the point where I am able to talk about all of it in detail.
My partner did not grow up religious, and truly wants to understand how my experiences in fundamentalism impacted me, and these videos are so helpful in explaining them to him.
We did AWANA, too. It’s good to know someone else shares these memories and experiences, even if they kind of suck looking back.
Oh, man... what a trip. Flashbacks... I actually recieved a "scholarship" to awana camp in...Texas, I think? Around 2001. Because I memorized so much. It was... intense. I still have all my journals and stuff, I may have to dig through them after this!
Talk about being transported to the past: I went to Awana at the church in the clip!!!! 😳 I recognize the “announcer” and another one of the leaders. I didn’t do Awana Olympics in 2005 though so I’m not there 🤣
Oh wow, that's wild! Thanks for sharing! :)
Thank you for a great video! I did not grow up fundie but strict Catholic and then moved to the Bible Belt and went to a fundie homeschool group in highschool. Although my experiences were different from yours it’s comforting to watch your videos and your deconstruction process because I am also deconstructing!
i was never in awana but the youth group vibes from the old videos are so strong i think this video should be categorized as a potential cognitohazard
I did AWANA too and vividly remember bible quiz and the AWANA olympics. I only did AWANA officially through 6th grade because our club was too small to do JV and Varsity, but I continued the materials on my own through high school because I went to AWANA Scholarship Camp every year and had to complete the books every year to go (camp was my choice--I was the only one of my siblings to go that far into AWANA because I wanted to go to camp so much). I remember a lot of pressure from my mom around AWANA--she made me study my verses at home every week and wouldn't let me stop until I had them word perfect. I did great at bible quiz because of this, but I also resented the amount of time I had to put into it, even though I did mostly enjoy it at the time. My dad was also our club's commander for most of my childhood. All the stuff I experienced through the club and through camp is...A LOT to unpack as an adult.
Yes! - definitely experienced the bullying/drama culture, lead by adults & pitting kids against each other. This is my entire elementary & middle school experience, and being a favorite victim of this kind of bullying has definitely impacted my confidence in adulthood
I didn't realize AWANA did stuff for older age groups! I was in it when I was really little, so the younger groups like Cubbies and Sparks. I'm really glad I found your channel, it feels good to be validated about our weird experiences
Watching your videos has helped me remember a lot of stuff from my childhood. I didn't have detailed journals like you, so it's just left up to my brain. I also did AWANA from Cubbies until Varsity and I remember hating it as I got older. When I was younger, I think I really enjoyed the opportunity to socialize with other kids. I didn't really like any of the lessons or memorization, but I remember loving the recreational activities. I was never really into sports or gym class at school but I really liked what I got to do at AWANA, but I think that was because of the director. Looking back I think he made a point to not make it feel very competitive and to have it feel more like play. And when we went to the "olympics" every kid got an opportunity to participate in a competition. He made sure no one felt left out and less "athletic", because we were kids and that stuff shouldn't matter. And I think it's really nice that I can find such a nice memory within a childhood that I hated, and reading the comments I know that is not really the experience of others. So I'm really grateful to him for creating that space and to you for helping me remember. 💜
Thank You so much for your videos! This is one of the best channels I've ever seen, and have been watching every one of your videos since I found you. I never knew how to explain how I felt about my childhood. I didn't know why becoming religious again scared me so much, But your videos helped me realize. I was raised a fundamentalist, and might have come out with more religious trauma than I cared to admit. I relate to your videos so much, despite not being fully entrenched in it, or homeschooled. I still got plenty of programming every Sunday since I could remember. And your videos have been such a catharsis for me. Thank you so much and I look forward to seeing all your future videos. And wish you so much happiness. ❤
I feel like you could take all of your experiences and write a book called something like “Where Have All The Good Girls Gone: A glimpse of growing up in Christian Fundamentalism”. You have opened my eyes about how much the good child ideal was something that was only obtainable at a high personal price. I reflect on my Christian upbringing and how much being a “good girl” played into that, and how it messed me up mentally. I didn’t feel like my own person most of the time. Thank you for sharing💜
oh yes, and the 'good girl' persona becomes a huge liability for getting into abusive relationships, because we're not allowed to say 'no', to express displeasure, or to even have a sense of self other than 'pleasing'!
That's actually an interesting book pitch and the book could include essays from various people who lived through fundamentalism as kids and experienced "good girl" syndrome.
Elly everything on your channel is so healing, and you've helped me reconcile a lot of my own healing and faith deconstruction. Bringing things to light (like for example how you're reading past entries that you wrote) can really be such a strong way to turn the tables, to take something that we cringe about how we used to be, and to turn it into "wowww look how far I've come".
I was in girlscouts, and a lot of the descriptions of your group and trips really struck a cord with me. My group was composed of varying levels of dedecation to the concepts of both "scout" and "girl". I was lucky enought to have friends outside my scout group, that were probably closer. But there is just something about that group trip/camp atmosphere. It can forge connections despite outside circumstances. When you wrote about staying up until 1am talking with your tentmates i can remember doing those same things, even though we all came from extreamly different circumstances. And feeling a certain kind of bond that is very difficult to explain. Even though I've drifted from all of those people as an adult, the convorsatioms and bonds we forged as adolesents remain precious to me. Even though there are many incongruencies i find myself having to reconcil.
Something also that strikes, me from an outsiders perspective, is just... everything good is because of jesus, everything bad you do is your own fault. Its just. A real double standard, nothing good is because of you, but everything bad is because of your failings and is disappointing jesus. You can only take fault and not credit. Somehow it just feels extreamly minipulative and ficked up to raise a child, a person that must make many mistakes to understand their own world, in that environment.
I haven't watched this yet but I'm already looking forward to your video. Good thing this is a series, I think I could listen to you speak for an hour or more easily!
I fall asleep to these videos (after I've already watched them awake, that is).
I went to AWANA through the final year of Guards(I still have my Timothy Award). My parents had "planted" a church that we started having children's mid-week service the year I would have started JV. I remember being so upset at the time as a homeschooled kid because my only friends were the ones I had made at AWANA. Looking back I still have some resentment, but I am also glad I was able to get out of that system when I did.
Thanks for showing a very human side to fundamentalism.
I really like how even as a repressed teenager you still found an outlet for your creativity. I can’t wait to see what you are able to do after this healing journey you are on. I have a feeling you’re really going to get good at a professional level at videography.
This channel is probably not for me since I do not have religious trauma.
I was a member of AWANA in Haiti. When you grow up in poverty and can't pay for private lessons or sports, church activities become a lifeline for young people. They are free, they occupy your time productively, they encourage studying, exercising, socializing. Sometimes, they offer your only meal of the day.
I only have good memories of my time in AWANA.
I'm glad you had a good experience in AWANA. Thank you for sharing!
They do that on purpose. They know it’s more effective than forcing you to convert
I was in AWANA back in the mid 80s. This does bring back some memories. Thank you for sharing and I am going to have to check out the rest of your videos.
I remember my best friend getting quiz champion during our senior year because I got one wrong and she got them all right. The question asked which book precedes Ezekiel in the Bible and I read “proceeds.” I really hate how into Awana I was, but I know it was because I was so sheltered.
Edit: I forgot about the athletic competitions! I won three legged race year after year. Another girl in my church and I completely eliminated every other team by passing them one year.
6:50 It was kinda like this in my group growing up too, though mostly towards everyone outside our group. It was this air of "oh bless their hearts" and "those poor souls not coming into the light", just general things the leaders did which clearly displayed that if we didn't conform, they might talk about and look down on us like they treat those "poor souls who strayed from the light".
Once in High School (Journey) they even had an assignment where we interviewed our non-christian friends about religious questions, and I was excited for it to be a cultural broadening experience, but instead it was merely an opportunity to ridicule and pity our friends who kindly let us interview them; to break them down and build us up. It even lead to some fellow students writing in the entries left blank (we didn't have many non-christian friends) mocking answers playing as if they were atheists answering the questions, further ridiculing the "outside" group so to speak. I was disgusted and that was the final straw to my leaving awana.
So I attended a Greek Orthodox version of the Olympics event and the sound of the gym absolutely transported me ‼️‼️
We didn’t do the Bible quiz fortunately lol, honestly in a lot of events it felt like the prayers we had to do were an appeasement for the church officials… there was no way to have a secular Greek get together, the only way to experience the community was thru church. That makes me sad bc now my cultural community is incredibly limited :(
Everytime I watch one of your AWANA videos, it unlocks a memory
I was raised Catholic (atheist now) so this is an interesting slice of life I knew nothing about. Thanks for all of these interesting vids.
your first awana video was the first one i saw from you. thank you for making these videos and sharing your stories. one of my fav creators on yt!
I left church way back in 2008 but I'm just now going back and making sense of all the christian nationalism, guilt, shame that I grew up on. Your videos have been extremely helpful, thank you.
Our church didn't have enough students to have a presence at the Olympics for our middle/high school clubs, but I participated throughout my time in Sparks and Pals & Pioneers. It's strange, I always looked forward to it, but when the actual day came... it was so miserable. Honestly, many of my most upset memories are from AWANA. I am so glad my kids are not growing up in that environment.
Darn! You have a good point about privacy. I was excited for the documentary for like 6 seconds tho. I always regret that I never recorded anything that happened to me. Records of my life are like 6 physical photos until I get into my 20's and could afford a device that takes photo or video like a cell phone or digital camera. I'm like ten years older too, I think. Without any proof, parents can lie all they want and deny everything. And it's harder to believe your own memories than it might seem. With someone saying "You're making something out of nothing" thousands of times from birth until... forever. And the whole world and religion seemingly backing them up... Well... proof becomes even more valuable.
seeing your stories makes me even more proud of everyone doing the work to deprogram themselves from the beliefs that hurt people; I can't imagine feeling like I could leave a group and a family like that, which I guess is probably what they wanted. thank you always for sharing
I'm so glad TH-cam suggested this to me! TH-cam's been suggesting so many church broadcasts and conservative Christian programs, which in itself is creepy. I thought this would be one too but am pleasantly surprised that TH-cam is actually sharing a video that pushes back on fascist Christianity. Keep it up. I left a Greek Orthodox/Catholic upbringing, which was very difficult but absolutely necessary for my well being and survival.
Fellow ex catholic from Italy here, and I had pretty similar experience to what they're describing here in my youth group, so much so that I found myself nodding off all the way through the video
Absolutely transported to my past watching those clips you recorded of awana Olympics
Finding breathing room in weird places like this is so understandable. Also oldest here (of 8) and a ciswoman. And school was where I got to be a kid. Even though it was way more intense than a normal schooling environment, it felt good to me bc i was allowed to NOT be in charge of things.
Once again, you were LITERALLY the MOST adorable child ever! Even as a teenager you were so adorable!!! 🥰
I actually helped my team win a Bible quiz competition in my middle school youth group. I got a $5 gift card to Blockbuster (I think I just aged myself with this comment).
Thank you for making these videos about AWANA. They are the only proof I have to show people that this wasn’t just a fever dream… because it’s as absurd as it sounds.
So as you were explaining all the subtle bullying and smack talking behind each other's backs a song popped into my head...that happens a lot, song lyrics can be wise in subtle ways...anywho, the song is Walk by Pantera, it's about respecting yourself enough to walk away from toxic people pretending to be your friend, or rather telling them to walk away and "be yourself by yourself, stay away from me".
I know you have probably never heard of Pantera but I seriously believe you would like that song and it's message. (RIP Dime & Vinny) I'd honestly love to see you react to it for sh!ts & giggles.
I was notoriously unathletic so I remember the sport part and bible quizzing stressed me in equal amounts 😅😅
unathletic kid here too! ugh to competitive games!
@@devidaughter7782 I literally chipped a tooth during a relay race 🤣🤣🤣 was not sure why I had to do supplemental church sport in addition to church
@@FireLeafCon thanks for sharing - made me LOL! :)
Can I just say I greatly appreciate your gender awareness and inclusivity. I know you’re mainly doing it to support your sibling, but it makes this demigirl stranger also feel seen. One doesn’t realize how very binaried the world is until one is outside of it or holds someone outside of it dear, and it may not matter to most that you make the distinction of AFAB versus just saying you’re a girl, but it matters to me. Thank you.
Okay so obviously I missed the video updating us on your pronouns! This is what I get for lurking lol
My Awana career in late elementary school was very rough for me. I had just moved from my old Awana in the city, and here everyone was much more loud, rough, and rude. Our leader screamed and yelled all the time. They had a nerd theme nights, which only increased my shame as a growth delayed kid in glasses. I spent a lot of time sidelined in dodgeball, staring at my reflection in the windows and daydreaming that I was someone else.
Talking about the drama at AWANA between adults brought back memories. I did not grow up in AWANA but I worked at a church that had AWANA. In my church we had a boy that loved to read The Bible, to the point his family made it pretty culty to be honest, but he was a sweet kid. I thought he would love the program. So, I took him every week for one semester. They made him at 10 years old start with the preschoolers. They told me he had to earn his way up to his age group. He worked really hard, and they just wouldn't let him move up. This just broke his heart and made him feel worthless in his faith. I found out that the leader never let kids move up because she wanted the biggest group. I felt horrible, because this lady was normally really nice, but I had to actually yell at her infront of my boss to move the kid up. Luckily, my boss agreed I had to stick up for the kid. The boy moved up but his mom and I decided at the end he was getting nothing out of the program. Looking into it the program was so odd to me, but I thought it was just the way that area of the country was.
Do you know anyone else who was in AWANA that would also want to talk about their experiences? As a psych major, it also fascinates me what factors come into play to make people leave and see it as it was. Versus people who maybe stay in it for life. Great channel, I love that you are authentic and humble. You don't try to put on a performance or be funny. Its refreshing.
Please feel free to message me, I have been outlining and starting to draft a book about my experiences at AWANA and my Evangelical church. Would love to share my thoughts!
Yay I made it to a new upload! I Recently subscribed 👋
As a Christian ,I'm sorry you had to go through such abuse.
Oh nooo seeing the games with the pins is awakening something within me.
Been enjoying watching your zz grow. Thanks for your videos.
Again, thank you for these videos. I was always the Bible quizzing star at my home church but always got last place at the competition at large (I was really in it for those pins though!) and never participated in the Olympics/Games. I was allowed to go to camp during JV and Varsity and I have good memories with the friends I made during that time.
That footage from the awana Olympics could have been from my childhood. 😭
Oh my goodness. These videos took me back. I did it all, but hated the Olympics. My parents were best friends with our awana missionaries, so my family was part of the traveling crew that set up all the Olympics and Bible quizzing in the different cities. So we got to participate as extra teammates for smaller churches, several times a year.
I watched your first video, and I have to say, it got me a bit nostalgic. I think I really have mostly fond memories of Awana.
Now that I see the title of this video, I remember doing a Bible quiz against other churches. My team absolutely dominated, and I loved it.
Anyway, I know you're much more critical than I am (which is fine). I'll be glad to watch this video now.
I should note that my experience was with the elementary school version circa 1989, which I can imagine would be a very different experience.
youre giving flashbacks in a cathartic way, nice job ellie ^_^
It wasn't so much the airhorn but the red, yellow, blue, and green lines painted on the floor that made me flashback.
I didn't get to push it into JV and Varsity (though I wanted to at the time), so I have stronger memories of my elementary years. Fascinating hearing what the middle and high school years were like! Also, running in that circle exacerbated a hip condition I had and caused my duck footedness to become more pronounced, and I had to have a cast to force my feet to turn outwards again. Wild memories.
When I was AWANA, they had levels that were horrible stereotypes on Native American culture- Chums and Pals
I loved AWANA when I was in Sparkies. I liked pleasing the adults around me as a child and had always been told that I was smart, so obviously I had to live up to that. I have never been athletic, so never enjoyed the AWANA Games, but I tended to do pretty well in Bible Quizzing (paddles only, not the buzzer section). It also helps that my mom did Bible Quizzing in her youth, though not with AWANA, and I wanted to be like her, so Quizzing it was. I am lucky, my mother did let me go to camp without her, from the end 6th grade on (summer of 2007). Yeah, there's a lot to unpack.... my mom actually ended up doing all the memorization alongside me, she became a leader, but also had to say her verses every week to a different leader. Like a couple other kids in my group, I earned my Citation Award at the same time as my mother, near the end of my Senior year of HS. (Pretty sure I was depressed most of my HS career, but I had lost most of the pleasure in my verses and sections back in my Freshman year. I felt guilty about it, but I could not bring myself to care... same for going to church. Sometimes it made me uncomfortable.)
This might be a little long lol
I was heavily involved with my local Assemblies of God Bible Quiz group as a teen (I was also homeschooled at the time). It became pretty much the only way to socialize with other kids my age, apart from youth group. We would go to competitions all over Maine, and we even went to Regionals a couple of times (basically teams from Maine to Pennsylvania). I was really competitive too, and every year, I would quote whole chapters at a time from Romans, Thessalonians, Acts, Galatians, and a whole bunch of others.
Fast forward to today, I'm 21, and I've considered myself an agnostic atheist for a couple of years now. Looking back on it now, it's bizarre that I spent so much time memorizing the New Testament word for word, but when I read it now, (especially Paul's writings) there's a ton of stuff that's sexist, homophobic, overly black and white morally, and tribalistic. And that just never occurred to me as a teen for some reason. I think that my critical thinking skills were simply underdeveloped back then, not to mention the fact that my siblings and I were pretty sheltered.
The friends I made in Bible Quiz are still some of my best friends today, but over time I've changed quite a lot, both in my religious beliefs and in my political ones. But not all of them are aware of this, and whenever we hang out, I try to minimize how often I allude to my own beliefs. Because if I vocalized them, it would just make things awkward.
Anyway, that kind of turned into a rant 😅 But if you got this far, I just want to encourage you that if you're starting to deconstruct your beliefs while everyone else stays the same, your concerns and your questions are valid. Don't be afraid of your own curiosity or your own ability to think critically. Have a great day ❤️😊
Fellow former Assemblies of God member here, having grown up near AG HQ and my mum being the editor of their youth magazine (OnCourse), I remember how competitive Junior Bible Quiz was at our church. I was never interested in it and whenever we’d do sword drills in kids church, I’d fail miserably. The kids who could do it were seen as the smartest and most valued by the pastors. I also went to public school and was allowed to watch SpongeBob, which many of my parents’ peers looked down on them for.
After leaving the AG (my mum was laid off for having a mental health crisis which landed her in inpatient psych), I began to realize what a restrictive and traumatic environment it was. My mum is still a Christian, but I am in the boat of being 21 as well and also leaning more towards the agnostic side of things. I know it’d break her heart to know that I don’t believe in God anymore, but the trauma from all those years created a trigger response that makes me want nothing to do with it, even though compared to others, it was a lax upbringing.
I attended a couple of churches that started awana. The program actually had a negative effect on the church. First, it became a baby sitting service since activities like choir practice and prayer meeting was on the same night. Then, other "ministries" suffered. Most adult leaders enjoyed the authority; rank, uniform etc. And since the program was all preplanned, they didn't have to do much preparation. Basically, awana took over. Unlike your group. Most of the kids just went along with it with little enthusiasm. That rope game must be a patented trademark. I see it in 99% all awana advertising. I never participated in awana. Your video confirmed that was one right choice. Once again, thanks for your video and taking time to read this long-winded post.
I didn't do anything like awana but I definitely resonated with you talking about how parents were part of the gossip and bullying in church groups- it was palpable at the church I grew up in and definitely rubbed off on us kids- I remember judging a friend and her family so hard when they stopped going to church, especially since I knew it was partially because my friend had a ton of swim meets on sundays. I couldn't understand how anyone would put their hobby above church... though in hindsight it was also jealousy. I never found church very engaging, usually it was actively uncomfortable in one way or another, and struggled with not enjoying what was supposed to be my life's purpose. Turns out being a lesbian with undiagnosed adhd makes sitting through church services a very othering experience. Thank goodness my parents at least recognized that I /needed/ to doodle through sermons for them to be tolerable. the few times they tried to get me to stop drawing during church.... torture
When I was in third grade, my mom took my sister (older), brother (younger), and I to an Awana orientation meeting to see if we would enjoy it. My sister and brother "appeared" to enjoy it (I put emphasis on appeared since it's possible they were faking how they felt so they wouldn't upset mom and/or the church). I for one did not. In fact, I started tearing up at one of the rooms we rotated to (there were many we went to given all the activities to do in the program) because I thought it was boring. Yes, I was the cry baby who would cry when something was boring.
I just couldn't see how I would enjoy something that was more like a classroom and that you had to memorize a myriad of bible verses so you could win fake money to buy crappy toys and candy. My mom ended up not enrolling me given my reaction to the program, but my sister and brother became Awanas. Looking back, I wonder if I offended the church by crying at the presentation because it was boring. I would assume the vast majority of the people that ran this mega church knew I am autistic and that I didn't stick to social norms (which I would assume is a major part of Christian nationalism).
THAT SONG “never give up” IT STILL PLAYS ON A LOOP IN MY HEAD (15:32)
Thank you for another thought-provoking video.
I really relate to what you said about those fundie youth environments.
1) subtle bullying: I know EXACTLY what you mean. There was so much socially sanctioned (by adults and church elders) toxic masculinity (seen as male comraderie to teach boys to be men), othering, slut shaming (seen as teaching girls to be godly women), backbiting, bad-mouthing anyone who left church not for another church in our network as a "backslider".
2) elitism - youth leadership seemed to be very based on popularity and whom you were friends with, not dedication to scripture or how one lived one's life.
3) Absolutely sucky for anyone who wasn't confident or capable at sports. Although in our teens most girls just didn't really have sports events in our youth hangouts which became dominated by the guys because of girls not wanting to be ogled by boys or slut shamed if sports gear was "too revealing" (eg shorts "too short" - but of course it was body-dependent and thin girls got less scrutiny and less sexualization for that.)
Elly--I only recently found your channel and have really enjoyed watching your videos. Thank you for making them. While I grew up in a more moderate Christian family (still left its own scars), I have experience with people like the community you came from.
One example: I went to grad school in a very liberal city and had a classmate who, upon reflection, is probably fundamentalist. She even has many of the same mannerisms you did when you were a teenager, which is kinda creepy--is there a fundie affect?
She was uniquely one of the most difficult people I have ever had to work with. Ungrateful, discriminated against the disabled, clearly had a lot of inner conflict which she refused to deal with cuz Jesus.
I hope she's able to escape that cycle someday. I think she'd be a much better person (and, frankly, much more "Christ-like") if she could step back and have a serious look at it all.
I have tried to forget most of awana, but I do remember a Pals campout fondly
the other day i was driving through a part of town i had never seen before, and saw a church with a flag with the awana logo on it. i didnt know what to think but i instantly thought of this channel
Bro the bowling pins😂 This takes me back…. I was in Awana for about 3 years (4-6th grade). There was definitely lots of drama between the adults. Some toxic parenting… I felt like I had a pretty good experience though. My church didn’t focus on the old curriculum. Mainly just memorizing verses and the games.
You are a very strong woman so sorry you went through so much hardship and pain becausereligion you are a beautiful intelligent person you always have interesting content
I don't like that she is reading a script. It sounds less sincere then speaking from her heart.
For all we know someone wrote that script for her but I won't go that far.
I just want sincerity.
I agree it (life) is spiritual warfare
I'll probably be ghost banned for my comment but I prefer a more simple way to live.
@@crystalgiddens7276 She wrote the script. The words in the script are her own sincere thoughts. Some people have a hard time describing their experiences to a camera without outlining a page of notes first.
@@crystalgiddens7276 i know she's speaking from the heart when she talks she always sounds sincere
@@laurenconrad1799 Be that as it may, I hate it when people raise hell over being "misgendered."
@@crystalgiddens7276 agree to disagree, sir
I was a champion Bible quizzer. I carried my team to victory at least twice. The Olympics, on the other hand, were never that great for me. The only time I ever won was when our church teamed up with another because neither could field a full team on their own.
I can definitely relate to trying to avoid making things into an “idol.” The church works hard to make sure you never really enjoy your life or exercise your talents.
I did Awana 3rd thought 8th. I have alot of good memories of it. We used to tie dye our own shirts. I loved our leader for 5th/6th especially. I'll have to think more if there was drama or things that I missed but I felt we had a good group and leaders that cared. Normally I very much understand and agree with what you say on a variety of topics. The amount of mental weight you carried at that age and the parentification at home I definitely relate too.
Since watching your channel I've been getting ads from LDS AWANA and seventh day Adventist. Hmm!
THE BALL PASSING GAME OH MY GODDDDDD
I relate so much. At my Awana group, the Bible quiz was separate from the Olympic sports games. My group consistently made 2nd place 😂 I went to an Awana camp, and pretty much just got bullied the whole time, but went back the next year anyway because I wanted a week away from home. You remind me of my childhood best friend. She's still very fundie and unfriended me online years a go. I think she homeschools her kids now.
My leaders were so mentally/emotionally abusive. A fellow attendee and I were moving around the same time, so they hosted a goodbye party for us. I had called and gotten a ride from another girl/her mom. They didn't tell me that she had made plans to sleepover with someone else, so I ended up having no ride home. Everyone I asked, their parents said no, and the leader had no choice but to take Mr themselves. On the car ride they told me I was too old to make that mistake and I shouldn't have come (to my own goodbye party) if I didn't have a ride. Then she revealed she knew I was being abused, but I wasn't the only one, so I should suck it up.
I got "lucky" and my parents passed away, so I got to move in with an Aunt who never went to church the summer before 9th grade. My life would have been very different if that hadn't happened!
I hope your Aunt was good to you, I had an aunty I went to live with as a teenager because I was being abused, she taught me what kind of mother I wanted to be, she was lovely.
This feels like reading my own childhood journals damn 😳
Geeze that never give up song just took me back to kids church.
never stop exposing the traumas they put us through in their quest for a christian dominionist victory.
you've quickly become one of those few, favorite content producers- the kind that is all but guaranteed to pump a solid hit of truth out each time!
greatly appreciate you and your channel!
I have so much to say!
I didn't continue with Awana into my teen years (my church didn't offer JV or Varsity), but at 10 I was a regional Bible Quizzing champ. 😂
Oof, the gossip and bullying. In retrospect, it's clear to me that in a culture that fosters insecurity in every single person, folks try to one-up each other in order to feel a bit better about themselves. I talk about the sort of sociology of 'youth group favorites' in one of my videos. At my church, 'be in the world, not of it' didn't go very far because the 'favorites' were the prettiest, thinnest, most extroverted, etc.
Also, I know several moms who experienced similar issues to your mom. I've just kind of broken through to my own mom about the physical effects of trauma just recently. She has always had unexplained "health issues."
My dad recently asked me if I had fun going to Awana as a kid. I told him I hated Awana. I was unathletic, bad at memorization, and had trouble fitting in.
I attended my school program similar to AWANA, without memorising bible verses. I was the ordinary member in this leadership dynamic identical to the Juche or caste system, no matter how much effort I put. The student leaders are those who are privileged and love to gossip. I had a blue belt in Taekwondo, but it was no use. P.S., Taekwondo values integrity and effort over class privilege.
She/they 💪
Congratulations on this step of your journey
I remember the tug of war rope being a ring and not a crossed shape
Thank you for sharing!
For some reason this makes me remember the Dragons in our Midst series - god, maybe I should do a dramatic re-read of the cringy Christian fantasy my parents gave me in an effort to keep me from reading Twilight and Eragon
Oooh I remember that series:)
......my excessively religious aunt got me hooked on those books......I never finished the series though because the clerk at barnes and noble made fun of me for ordering them 😒 and that really sucked..... they also made fun of me for the Guardians of G'Hoole series.....it's pretty much like The Warriors but with Owls instead of cats......the church and my parents convinced me to give up that series....because it had references to magic.....and my dad thought it was causing me to have night terrors (it wasn't) so they convinced me to sell them at a church yard sale......I deeply regret that decision because I almost had all the books......but everyone made fun of me for being a freak that was obsessed with Owls so idk maybe it was for the best...🤔 My parents were even skeptical of the Raising Dragons series because "Satan is the great Dragon" BS 😅
Yeah I um never had any fun as a kid.....
I also bought a Dragonology book from a book fair when I was like 9 :)......and it had pictures of wizards with dragons so my dad "bought" it back from me and burned it in the grill ......that really sucked because it was just silly kid make believe magic and I really liked that book.....but nope.....it was "offensive to god"......
I was in and out of various groups like this since we moved a lot. I hated the popularity contest aspect of it. It was just as cliquish as school, but it felt like a worse betrayal since Christians were supposed to be more welcoming.
I hated Bible races and memorization contests. I was never any good at them.
WHAT IS SPECIAL ABOUT BEING A HINDU?
By Francois Gautier.
*Diversity in Divinity and Unity in Spirituality.*
1) Believe in God ! - Aastik - Accepted
2) Don't believe in God ! - You're accepted as Nastik
3) You want to worship idols - please go ahead. You are a murti pujak.
4) You dont want to worship idols - no problem. You can focus on Nirguna Brahman.
5) You want to criticise something in our religion. Come forward. We are logical. Nyaya, Tarka etc. are core Hindu schools.
6) You want to accept beliefs as it is. Most welcome. Please go ahead with it.
7) You want to start your journey by reading Bhagvad Gita - Sure !
8) You want to start your journey by reading Upanishads - Go ahead.
9) You want to start your journey by reading Purana - Be my guest.
10) You just don't like reading Puranas or other books. No problem my dear. Go by Bhakti tradition . ( bhakti- devotion)
11) You don't like idea of Bhakti ! No problem. Do your Karma. Be a karmayogi.
12) You want to enjoy life. Very good. No problem at all. This is Charvaka Philosophy.
13) You want to abstain from all the enjoyment of life & find God - jai ho ! Be a Sadhu, an ascetic !
14) You don't like the concept of God. You believe in Nature only - Welcome. (Trees are our friends and Prakriti or nature is worthy of worship).
15) You believe in one God or Supreme Energy. Superb! Follow Advaita philosophy
16) You want a Guru. Go ahead. Receive gyaan.
17) You don't want a Guru.. Help yourself ! Meditate, Study !
18) You believe in Female energy ! Shakti is worshipped.
19) You believe that every human being is equal. Yeah! You're awesome, come on let's celebrate Hinduism!
"Vasudhaiva kutumbakam" (the world is a family)
20) You don't have time to celebrate the festival.
Don't worry. One more festival is coming! There are multiple festivals every single day of the year.
21) You are a working person. Don't have time for religion. Its okay. You will still be a Hindu.
22) You like to go to temples. Devotion is loved.
23) You don't like to go to temples - no problem. You are still a Hindu!
24) You know that Hinduism is a way of life, with considerable freedom.
25) You believe that everything has God in it. So you worship your mother, father, guru, tree, River, Prani-matra, Earth, Universe!
26) And If you don't believe that everything has GOD in it - No problems. Respect your viewpoint.
27) "Sarve jana sukhino bhavantu " (May you all live happily)
You represent this! You're free to choose, my dear Hindu!
This is exactly the essence of Hinduism, all inclusive .. That is why it has withstood the test of time inspite of repeated onslaught both from within and outside, and assimilated every good aspects from everything . That is why it is eternal !!!
There is a saying in Rigveda , the first book ever known to mankind which depicts the Hinduism philosophy in a Nutshell -" Ano bhadrah Krathavo Yanthu Vishwathah"- Let the knowledge come to us from every direction
Go away troll! 🤮🤮🤮
Relient K. my alma maters pride & joy.
wow that sport footage really gave me the flashbacks 😂
are you familiar with the pathfinders clubs? its a children's program from the seventh day adventist church, a little similar to awana but way more militarized
I like yours thought from india