A few weeks ago me and my family went to a carnival, and there happened to be a mirror maze there. Normally, I don't care for mirrors, as long as I don't look at myself for too long. If I can keep my focus off of myself, I can't find "masculine" features of my appearance. But that day was different. I walked into the maze, and I saw my face. Not the face that I was used to, my face. It was me, looking right back. I had to pause, because I couldn't believe that I could genuinely like my appearance. I had no idea that there was this good feeling, this amazing confidence. I always looked in a mirror, and I just thought that feeling nothing was normal, but then I looked in that mirror, and saw me. The real me. I finally looked right. I finally looked comfortable in my own body. And all it took was some hair. Some hair that I could've had all my life. I finally built up the courage to put it into a ponytail, and that finally did it. One small change to my appearance is all that I ever needed, but I never knew it, because so few people would ever let me.
I just came back to watch the second half of the video, and BSSJSBSBNSJSDBMANAKWNW FICK THE VIDEO GAME ONE GOT ME BAD I'd usually choose the female option in a video game, but sometimes I'd get too self-conscious, and I'd just go male to seem less weird to other people.
I’m scared, I hate looking at myself in the mirror, I hate my hair, my body, legs, arms. I want so badly to express myself openly, but I’m scared, scared that someone might see me, scared that I’ll be attacked, scared that I’ll lose my friends or be bullied, scared that I’m just brainwashing myself and that I don’t even really want to be a girl because I never did anything girly as a kid, even though the only thing that has made me happy in the past years was when I accidentally made a feminine voice, and I sat in shock at the pure euphoria that I felt, and I felt like myself, but I still can’t help but just think that I’m going through a phase like my parents thought when they found out I had a boyfriend. I’m just so scared, and no one in my life ever even thinks about giving me a hug.
Being trans is really fucking scary sometimes, but there are good bits. You'll find ways to alter yourself physically, you'll find friends who will accept you for who you are, you'll feel euphoria from yourself. Past all of the scary parts, there are some really nice bits. 🫂
this is.. such a beautiful video, but it kinda hurts for me personally to hear.. ive lost so much of my life to self doubt, self sabotage, self suppression.. ive just.. been who was easiest to be. even if it wasnt "me". and even though ive tried my hardest to move past those.. i still carry them. and im afraid i always will. that ill always stand in the way of everything i hope to be. i dont even know. it feels like even when im on hrt.. im not a girl. im just.. not allowed.. and.. it hurts.. its crippling, and it feels like its chronic..
8:56 this is genuinely so relatable! Like 3 years ago, before my egg cracked, I “jokingly” told my friends that I was gonna wear a skirt into school on the last day and they stuck with it. Little do they know I’m soooooooooo excited for the last day. It’s still 2 years away but I see that as 2 years of makeup practice!
literally, i like find any excuses I can cross dress before I came out, every Halloween is just me dressed as a vampire girl/elf girl and I play it off as a joke
Our school had two themed costume weeks right before graduation, and being the weird not-quite-loner awkward loner hybrid I was, I ofc didn't went to school wearing any costumes except on two days. The one were I could were a radiation protection gear costume (yay special interest) and to much surprise of all except me and all the trans people I met years later: "gender-swap"-day :3 Turns out I was wearing a costume just once after all :>
I was an only child growing up, and no one raised me. I was so scared for so long, and angry. I didn't want to be trans, but one day I asked my second mom If I could be a girl. She said I could, but I could never find concrete online resources telling me how to walk this life. I'm three hundred miles in a new state all alone, no one to guide me. I experimented with names, and I realizd I was trans, bc that made me feel better. Your TH-cam channel has been a blessing, although I have only just discovered it. Your discord patreon 😢 was already filled before I even got here. I was so excited to talk to you, someone like me, who knew what I was going through, and maybe I was hoping you could tell me more about the next steps to take. I've told my friends, and they respect me, I've worked on my voice, and how I dress myself. Without HRT sometimes I get recognized as a woman, but most of the time people see me as a man. I cry myself to sleep everyday, and night. Do I have to donate on patreon to chat with you on discord? There aren't any available places. :(
Even though I am cis (or at least I believe so atm, who knows if I have an egg to be cracked), this video made me cry and relate in one way or another. It made me rethink all my current and past interactions with my trans friends (I sent this video to them as well), seeing that same perspective as you had on this video through their unique perspectives. It made me reflect on how I became queer and how I would always have talks with my past self with journals or just talking by myself, seeing my progress each time. You know, we're all trying to find our purpose on this Earth in this short lifespan we all have in the grand scheme of things, and this video is an emotional representation of that in some sense. I am rambling at this point, but I want to let it out. I am not sure if you've maybe summoned an egg that I don't know about or if I relate so much because I could make parallels finding out I am pan and being bullied and harassed for it, but either way, thank you for this video ❤ you are the best, and I really look forward to seeing your next videos and spreading your videos around as much as I can
glad you enjoyed! if the video helped crack an egg cool but if you happen to be cis and related through your experience of being pan, that's valid too. I am glad you enjoyed
This video genuinely made me weep. I relate way to close to this than I was expecting. (edit: my grammar was horrible on this comment and I will not be fixing it)
This was so beautiful. Thank you for sharing something so vulnerable. The compassion you showed your past self made me feel more hopeful for this world. Thank you
As someone who has known she was a woman for at least ten years now and simply repressed out of fear, thank you. I spent most of my twenties in complete denial andin defense I just forgot most of the memories I had as a child of wanting to be a woman, I relate to so much in thus video. Listening to this reminded me of all those memories I tried to lock away that came back to me when I accepted who I was. I'm honestly still lost as to who i am, but I feel the same way: I want to be someone that makes the younger me proud. I used to think I was emotionless too, that I couldn't cry no matter how hard I tried. It's funny how crying my eyes out to this video gave me a deep sense of joy because of that. Proving my inner demons wrong. I'm just a random stranger who bawled her eyes out with you listening to this video but I just wanted to let you know that your videos give me a lot of hope for the future. You are right to be proud of yourself and I'm sure the younger you would be as well. ❤
This was such a beautiful video. You've inspired me to do something like this for myself I actually dropped what I was holding when you mentioned your parents and the hair though 😭
Thank you so much for making this. I've been on hrt for about four months atm, and while its managed to finally lift me out of the pool of despair, I'm still very wet right now. (hopefully that analogy makes sense)
Just when you said about squeezing a pillow and crying, i just grabbed my blahaj to cry in. Im currently in a bit of a disphoria valley, i think. Or maybe that is what could be classified as depression? Idk... I realy want to start the process to transition, i realy do. But insurance, finding the right place to go to, not having to wait for an amount of time that will push me far over my limit... Im so scared and also so impacient. I feel like im egoistic for wanting to just flip a switch and get things sorted. Im not good at adulting, why do i need to all of this bullshit that noone in my direct environment can help me with? Aaaaaa ......😢 Edit: im crying.... and tired. Way too relayeable vid.
I don't presume to know your exact situation, but if you live in America call your local Planned Parenthood and ask about their transgender care program no waits, no medical bureaucracy, you'll have an appointment within a month and a prescription soon after and it's never too late to become your true self
"An occasional euphoric sexual feeling from a skirt doesn't devalidate you, I know that haunted you for years" 😢😢 Thank you for sharing your personal message and story... It has really inspired me Like even in face of all obstacles, life, doubt, transphbia, dysphoria... You gave me hope that maybe me freaking out is not that big of a deal. Maybe at the end in face of everything, it'll just be okay and I'll be myself and happy and everything is going great! Thank you❤
This was really good. it hit really hart, but I needed this. Many of the things I can imagine older me saying to me now and others I want to say to my younger self. I feel even more sure I'm on the right path and that there actually can be a happy end at this journey. Thank you!
I felt like you were talking directly to me... It was very powerful. The things we have to do- it feels sometimes like we fight to earn the right to exist. But I want to believe that it's worth it. And this kind of thing helps with that belief. Thank you. ❤️
Hey, I’ve been really enjoying your videos! I’ve been using them with my morning stretch routine and its made my days just a little brighter hearing your affirmations. Thank you so much for putting them out there, these videos have genuinely made an impact on my motivation to vocal train, do my makeup, and have helped me come to realize to go back on estrogen. I hope you get the same from the community you’ve built ❤
Thank you so much for these videos, lately i feel very.. depressed and dysphoric and.. you really help actually.. so thank you so much Lucy for being amazing and lovely
To whoever's reading this whether you're ftm mtf to wtf You are valid, You are loved, you are worthy and deserve to be yourself and feel comfortable in your own skin
...so I listened to it this morning and just recently some "friends" were laughing about me behind my back so yeah I'm okay totally not crying not at all
I just came out to my mother (the first person to hear me admit to this in a very very long time) on the 14th, and right now I keep second guessing myself thinking that I'm just making this up or whatever. Anyways I'm going to vent here about my life on this anonymous account not connected to any of my main accounts, I did that yesterday on another one of your videos but watching this video made me want to rant some more because it reminded me of some stuff. I highly doubt anyone will read all of this I just feel like writing about my life. For context on me I'm 18 right now, and I was born in December 2005. So, in like my earliest vague memories from when I was like 3-5, I was probably the most open about this that I've ever been in my entire life. Later in my childhood I would look back and cringe about how I was talking about wanting to be a girl. It's so weird that there was a time in my life where I actually said the sentence "I want to be a girl!" out loud. Something in particular that I remember is that whenever I was 4 I made up a female name (I don't remember what it was) and then I tried to get all of the other kids to call me that and pretend that I was a girl, I don't think anyone ever did they would just tell me how "weird" it was. After a while, I shut up, I stopped talking about how I wanted to be a girl and I became very ashamed of these thoughts. Now, I continued talking about being a girl or changing genders for a long time, I just stopped specifically saying that I wanted to be a girl, but I definitely kept thinking about it (EDIT: The specific way in which I most often thought about it or spoke of it was me being "forced" to be a girl or to change genders or do girl things, and I kept doing it like that for a really long time. Also, that got me into some real weird stuff later on). I actually kept on demanding to be allowed to have long hair for my entire life and in 2019, my parents finally let me have that, I actually haven't gotten it cut since then even though I probably should. I love my hair soooo much, its so long and curly it looks so pretty it looks just like how I wanted it to 14 years ago! I remember that whenever I was in 1st grade I had this dream in which I was a girl, and that is probably one of the most impactful dreams I've ever had, I've thought about it quite a lot though my life. I've found something that I wrote from when I was younger in which I said that the best dream I'd ever had was "a dream that I had where I was a girl!" So, the specific contents of the dream are I was in school and I had long hair and I was wearing girl clothes, so I was a girl. Also, for some reason I kissed this one boy who I knew at school. I'm pretty sure that the second part is not something that has ever left my head until I typed it just now. I don't really remember anything about that boy other than this. It was around 2013 that I heard about these "transgender" people. Dang them transgenders sure are massive idiots and weirdos, who on Earth would ever want to be the other sex?!?! Those transgenders are such perverts, crossdressing and trying to get into women's bathrooms. Stuff like that was my introduction to people who I guess feel the same way I do. I remember thinking that some of the things I heard that those people were doing, sounded kinda nice, but of course I would never admit to that. I actually remember one time around then when one of my brothers (I'm the youngest child with two elder brothers, and those elder brothers have always been very transphobic) reacted to some of the stuff I was saying by saying "Hey um, (my name) can you shut up, you're making me feel uncomfortable, you're reminding me of that transgender thing." So if whenever I come out to him if he says something along the lines of "Who told you that you are transgender?!", I'm just going to reply by saying "Well if anyone did, you did." and then explain this to him. I also remember that around that time for some reason I constantly felt the need to check to make sure that I was still a boy and that I hadn't spontaneously turned into a girl for some reason. So in 2019, whenever I was 13, I heard someone talk about this one TH-camr (I didn't really watch them or anything I was just kinda aware of them) and they used "she" to refer to the TH-camr . This confused me, because while I didn't know much about this TH-camr, I was pretty sure that they were male. So looked it up and apparently she had decided to be transgender. Despite me having known the word transgender for like 6 years at that point, I'd literally only ever heard about a single transgender individual before that, it was like that one athlete person or whatever I don't remember their name, because GradeAUnderA had talked about them in a video. Hearing about someone transitioning made me think about me doing something like that, it made me feel very very happy. At that point I'd repressed this really good, but this made me start thinking about it again. I was really really scared about everyone getting mad at me just like they did last time, also around that time the transphobia I was exposed to became much much worse so that definitely didn't help. Also around that time I'd succumbed to unrestricted internet access and male sex drive, I was into some really weird stuff so I thought that maybe I only felt like this because I had some fetish or something. So I finally decided that I might become transgender "eventually" if I still feel this way in the future. Last May, whenever I was 17, I thought about how unhappy I'd been because of this throughout my life, I thought about how I never got to be a little girl or a teenage girl or whatever. I was almost an adult, so I felt like I'd missed out on my childhood, so I decided that I didn't want to spend more time like this. Also I thought that maybe I actually could get to be a teenage girl, I still had one year of high school left, I thought that maybe it was possible that I could get that teenage girl experience I wanted at least for a little bit. So I started seriously thinking about what I should do. I decided that I should speak with my mother about this, I then spent like the next 10 months trying to get myself to do it. I started looking over my life trying to "prove" that I actually felt this way. Also I actually started looking at some stuff online about this, which I'd done little of before that point, and I think that maybe looking at some of that stuff helped me actually do it. Finally like 15 days ago I finally got myself to talk to her, I'm still not entirely certain what she thinks about this, I do know that she wasn't mad at me which means that I should've done it years ago. Now I don't really know for sure what I'll do next, Mother has gotten me a therapist and she wants me to talk with them, so I guess I'll do that. Also, I really like your content. I came across your channel last November whenever I got recommended the video with Dawn in the thumbnail that was called "Click this to become a girl!" or whatever. I added it to my watch later playlist and watched it a few hours later and it made me feel pretty happy. But I really wish that something like your videos existed whenever I was younger, and that I ended up seeing one of them. I can imagine if back in like 2016, I'm staying up past my bedtime watching like Minecraft videos or whatever I was watching back then, and then I get recommended a video like some of the ones you make. I am 99% sure that I would click on it, and that probably would've changed my life.
![ASMR Not knowing your Sexuality and/or Gender Is Okay [Affirmations]](http://i.ytimg.com/vi/qZBNtGS-wWM/mqdefault.jpg)
A few weeks ago me and my family went to a carnival, and there happened to be a mirror maze there. Normally, I don't care for mirrors, as long as I don't look at myself for too long. If I can keep my focus off of myself, I can't find "masculine" features of my appearance.
But that day was different. I walked into the maze, and I saw my face. Not the face that I was used to, my face. It was me, looking right back. I had to pause, because I couldn't believe that I could genuinely like my appearance. I had no idea that there was this good feeling, this amazing confidence.
I always looked in a mirror, and I just thought that feeling nothing was normal, but then I looked in that mirror, and saw me. The real me. I finally looked right. I finally looked comfortable in my own body. And all it took was some hair. Some hair that I could've had all my life. I finally built up the courage to put it into a ponytail, and that finally did it.
One small change to my appearance is all that I ever needed, but I never knew it, because so few people would ever let me.
I just came back to watch the second half of the video, and BSSJSBSBNSJSDBMANAKWNW FICK THE VIDEO GAME ONE GOT ME BAD
I'd usually choose the female option in a video game, but sometimes I'd get too self-conscious, and I'd just go male to seem less weird to other people.
I’m scared, I hate looking at myself in the mirror, I hate my hair, my body, legs, arms. I want so badly to express myself openly, but I’m scared, scared that someone might see me, scared that I’ll be attacked, scared that I’ll lose my friends or be bullied, scared that I’m just brainwashing myself and that I don’t even really want to be a girl because I never did anything girly as a kid, even though the only thing that has made me happy in the past years was when I accidentally made a feminine voice, and I sat in shock at the pure euphoria that I felt, and I felt like myself, but I still can’t help but just think that I’m going through a phase like my parents thought when they found out I had a boyfriend. I’m just so scared, and no one in my life ever even thinks about giving me a hug.
Being trans is really fucking scary sometimes, but there are good bits. You'll find ways to alter yourself physically, you'll find friends who will accept you for who you are, you'll feel euphoria from yourself. Past all of the scary parts, there are some really nice bits. 🫂
this is.. such a beautiful video, but it kinda hurts for me personally to hear..
ive lost so much of my life to self doubt, self sabotage, self suppression.. ive just.. been who was easiest to be. even if it wasnt "me".
and even though ive tried my hardest to move past those.. i still carry them. and im afraid i always will. that ill always stand in the way of everything i hope to be.
i dont even know. it feels like even when im on hrt.. im not a girl. im just.. not allowed..
and.. it hurts.. its crippling, and it feels like its chronic..
sorry to hear things are so tough. But you are allowed to be a girl if you want, even through bad thoughts that may occur
whenever i hear you crying i can feel it too and it kinda makes me wanna cry too 😢
Crying is okay and healing, that's partially the intent of these kinda audio's
8:56 this is genuinely so relatable! Like 3 years ago, before my egg cracked, I “jokingly” told my friends that I was gonna wear a skirt into school on the last day and they stuck with it. Little do they know I’m soooooooooo excited for the last day. It’s still 2 years away but I see that as 2 years of makeup practice!
literally, i like find any excuses I can cross dress before I came out, every Halloween is just me dressed as a vampire girl/elf girl and I play it off as a joke
Our school had two themed costume weeks right before graduation, and being the weird not-quite-loner awkward loner hybrid I was, I ofc didn't went to school wearing any costumes except on two days. The one were I could were a radiation protection gear costume (yay special interest) and to much surprise of all except me and all the trans people I met years later: "gender-swap"-day :3 Turns out I was wearing a costume just once after all :>
Dont ever be sorry for crying. Thanks for expressing your feelings, i’d love to send love and support❤
Interesting idea, thanks for the video. Edit: damn. That hit pretty hard
yeah it went more emotional than I anticipated I admit hahaha
I was an only child growing up, and no one raised me. I was so scared for so long, and angry. I didn't want to be trans, but one day I asked my second mom If I could be a girl. She said I could, but I could never find concrete online resources telling me how to walk this life. I'm three hundred miles in a new state all alone, no one to guide me. I experimented with names, and I realizd I was trans, bc that made me feel better. Your TH-cam channel has been a blessing, although I have only just discovered it. Your discord patreon 😢 was already filled before I even got here. I was so excited to talk to you, someone like me, who knew what I was going through, and maybe I was hoping you could tell me more about the next steps to take. I've told my friends, and they respect me, I've worked on my voice, and how I dress myself. Without HRT sometimes I get recognized as a woman, but most of the time people see me as a man. I cry myself to sleep everyday, and night. Do I have to donate on patreon to chat with you on discord? There aren't any available places. :(
my discord server is linked in my older videos
Even though I am cis (or at least I believe so atm, who knows if I have an egg to be cracked), this video made me cry and relate in one way or another. It made me rethink all my current and past interactions with my trans friends (I sent this video to them as well), seeing that same perspective as you had on this video through their unique perspectives. It made me reflect on how I became queer and how I would always have talks with my past self with journals or just talking by myself, seeing my progress each time.
You know, we're all trying to find our purpose on this Earth in this short lifespan we all have in the grand scheme of things, and this video is an emotional representation of that in some sense. I am rambling at this point, but I want to let it out. I am not sure if you've maybe summoned an egg that I don't know about or if I relate so much because I could make parallels finding out I am pan and being bullied and harassed for it, but either way, thank you for this video ❤ you are the best, and I really look forward to seeing your next videos and spreading your videos around as much as I can
glad you enjoyed! if the video helped crack an egg cool but if you happen to be cis and related through your experience of being pan, that's valid too. I am glad you enjoyed
This still hits close to me now - so relatable!
Thank you so so much
This feels almost too personal to watch. Thanks for sharing
This video genuinely made me weep. I relate way to close to this than I was expecting. (edit: my grammar was horrible on this comment and I will not be fixing it)
This is so beautiful and therapeutic, thank you so much for sharing your experiences.
This was so beautiful. Thank you for sharing something so vulnerable. The compassion you showed your past self made me feel more hopeful for this world. Thank you
As someone who has known she was a woman for at least ten years now and simply repressed out of fear, thank you. I spent most of my twenties in complete denial andin defense I just forgot most of the memories I had as a child of wanting to be a woman, I relate to so much in thus video. Listening to this reminded me of all those memories I tried to lock away that came back to me when I accepted who I was. I'm honestly still lost as to who i am, but I feel the same way: I want to be someone that makes the younger me proud.
I used to think I was emotionless too, that I couldn't cry no matter how hard I tried. It's funny how crying my eyes out to this video gave me a deep sense of joy because of that. Proving my inner demons wrong.
I'm just a random stranger who bawled her eyes out with you listening to this video but I just wanted to let you know that your videos give me a lot of hope for the future. You are right to be proud of yourself and I'm sure the younger you would be as well. ❤
This hits really close to home, seriously thank you for making this
This was such a beautiful video. You've inspired me to do something like this for myself
I actually dropped what I was holding when you mentioned your parents and the hair though 😭
Thank you so much for making this. I've been on hrt for about four months atm, and while its managed to finally lift me out of the pool of despair, I'm still very wet right now. (hopefully that analogy makes sense)
Just when you said about squeezing a pillow and crying, i just grabbed my blahaj to cry in.
Im currently in a bit of a disphoria valley, i think. Or maybe that is what could be classified as depression? Idk...
I realy want to start the process to transition, i realy do. But insurance, finding the right place to go to, not having to wait for an amount of time that will push me far over my limit...
Im so scared and also so impacient. I feel like im egoistic for wanting to just flip a switch and get things sorted. Im not good at adulting, why do i need to all of this bullshit that noone in my direct environment can help me with?
Aaaaaa ......😢
Edit: im crying.... and tired. Way too relayeable vid.
I don't presume to know your exact situation, but if you live in America call your local Planned Parenthood and ask about their transgender care program
no waits, no medical bureaucracy, you'll have an appointment within a month and a prescription soon after
and it's never too late to become your true self
@@ChibiKami Netherlands I'm afraid
2:22 listening to this made me realize just how lucky I am to have my friend Max he’s also Trans but of course I’m MTF he’s FTM
Having a friend who gets it is so important, I hope your friendship goes amazing
"An occasional euphoric sexual feeling from a skirt doesn't devalidate you, I know that haunted you for years"
😢😢
Thank you for sharing your personal message and story...
It has really inspired me
Like even in face of all obstacles, life, doubt, transphbia, dysphoria...
You gave me hope that maybe me freaking out is not that big of a deal. Maybe at the end in face of everything, it'll just be okay and I'll be myself and happy and everything is going great!
Thank you❤
this is so beautiful. i would've been so assured to hear my current self say this. she was so confused.
This was really good. it hit really hart, but I needed this. Many of the things I can imagine older me saying to me now and others I want to say to my younger self. I feel even more sure I'm on the right path and that there actually can be a happy end at this journey. Thank you!
I felt like you were talking directly to me... It was very powerful. The things we have to do- it feels sometimes like we fight to earn the right to exist. But I want to believe that it's worth it. And this kind of thing helps with that belief. Thank you. ❤️
This honestly hits hard, thank you
Hey, I’ve been really enjoying your videos! I’ve been using them with my morning stretch routine and its made my days just a little brighter hearing your affirmations. Thank you so much for putting them out there, these videos have genuinely made an impact on my motivation to vocal train, do my makeup, and have helped me come to realize to go back on estrogen. I hope you get the same from the community you’ve built ❤
Thank you so much for these videos, lately i feel very.. depressed and dysphoric and.. you really help actually.. so thank you so much Lucy for being amazing and lovely
You are my hero.
You have been so strong. Thank you for the video. It made me realise that i was too. This video was so validating and yet hard to watch
Yayyy new video!! I can't wait to cry ahjksdfjhf
i had to start playing minecraft so i didnt start balling my eyes out with you amazing video keep up the amazing work i love your content
this is beautiful
To whoever's reading this whether you're ftm mtf to wtf
You are valid, You are loved, you are worthy and deserve to be yourself and feel comfortable in your own skin
I don’t think I‘ve ever cried so much. So relatable. But I’ve still got a long way to go
I was supposed to fell asleep, but ended crying so hard 😭
Thanks for sharing this!
Love this! Thank you for sharing! 💕
This is absolutely beautiful. I'm proud of everything you have gone through, and i know your younger self is too. 🫂
...so I listened to it this morning and just recently some "friends" were laughing about me behind my back so yeah I'm okay totally not crying not at all
even when previous friends don't work out, know that better friends are waiting for you in the future
Welp, made it to 14:35 before I started crying... "You were perfect the way you were" hit somewhere I wasn't expecting to be hit today
That was nice to listen to
I just came out to my mother (the first person to hear me admit to this in a very very long time) on the 14th, and right now I keep second guessing myself thinking that I'm just making this up or whatever. Anyways I'm going to vent here about my life on this anonymous account not connected to any of my main accounts, I did that yesterday on another one of your videos but watching this video made me want to rant some more because it reminded me of some stuff. I highly doubt anyone will read all of this I just feel like writing about my life. For context on me I'm 18 right now, and I was born in December 2005.
So, in like my earliest vague memories from when I was like 3-5, I was probably the most open about this that I've ever been in my entire life. Later in my childhood I would look back and cringe about how I was talking about wanting to be a girl. It's so weird that there was a time in my life where I actually said the sentence "I want to be a girl!" out loud. Something in particular that I remember is that whenever I was 4 I made up a female name (I don't remember what it was) and then I tried to get all of the other kids to call me that and pretend that I was a girl, I don't think anyone ever did they would just tell me how "weird" it was. After a while, I shut up, I stopped talking about how I wanted to be a girl and I became very ashamed of these thoughts. Now, I continued talking about being a girl or changing genders for a long time, I just stopped specifically saying that I wanted to be a girl, but I definitely kept thinking about it (EDIT: The specific way in which I most often thought about it or spoke of it was me being "forced" to be a girl or to change genders or do girl things, and I kept doing it like that for a really long time. Also, that got me into some real weird stuff later on). I actually kept on demanding to be allowed to have long hair for my entire life and in 2019, my parents finally let me have that, I actually haven't gotten it cut since then even though I probably should. I love my hair soooo much, its so long and curly it looks so pretty it looks just like how I wanted it to 14 years ago!
I remember that whenever I was in 1st grade I had this dream in which I was a girl, and that is probably one of the most impactful dreams I've ever had, I've thought about it quite a lot though my life. I've found something that I wrote from when I was younger in which I said that the best dream I'd ever had was "a dream that I had where I was a girl!" So, the specific contents of the dream are I was in school and I had long hair and I was wearing girl clothes, so I was a girl. Also, for some reason I kissed this one boy who I knew at school. I'm pretty sure that the second part is not something that has ever left my head until I typed it just now. I don't really remember anything about that boy other than this.
It was around 2013 that I heard about these "transgender" people. Dang them transgenders sure are massive idiots and weirdos, who on Earth would ever want to be the other sex?!?! Those transgenders are such perverts, crossdressing and trying to get into women's bathrooms. Stuff like that was my introduction to people who I guess feel the same way I do. I remember thinking that some of the things I heard that those people were doing, sounded kinda nice, but of course I would never admit to that. I actually remember one time around then when one of my brothers (I'm the youngest child with two elder brothers, and those elder brothers have always been very transphobic) reacted to some of the stuff I was saying by saying "Hey um, (my name) can you shut up, you're making me feel uncomfortable, you're reminding me of that transgender thing." So if whenever I come out to him if he says something along the lines of "Who told you that you are transgender?!", I'm just going to reply by saying "Well if anyone did, you did." and then explain this to him. I also remember that around that time for some reason I constantly felt the need to check to make sure that I was still a boy and that I hadn't spontaneously turned into a girl for some reason.
So in 2019, whenever I was 13, I heard someone talk about this one TH-camr (I didn't really watch them or anything I was just kinda aware of them) and they used "she" to refer to the TH-camr . This confused me, because while I didn't know much about this TH-camr, I was pretty sure that they were male. So looked it up and apparently she had decided to be transgender. Despite me having known the word transgender for like 6 years at that point, I'd literally only ever heard about a single transgender individual before that, it was like that one athlete person or whatever I don't remember their name, because GradeAUnderA had talked about them in a video. Hearing about someone transitioning made me think about me doing something like that, it made me feel very very happy. At that point I'd repressed this really good, but this made me start thinking about it again. I was really really scared about everyone getting mad at me just like they did last time, also around that time the transphobia I was exposed to became much much worse so that definitely didn't help. Also around that time I'd succumbed to unrestricted internet access and male sex drive, I was into some really weird stuff so I thought that maybe I only felt like this because I had some fetish or something. So I finally decided that I might become transgender "eventually" if I still feel this way in the future.
Last May, whenever I was 17, I thought about how unhappy I'd been because of this throughout my life, I thought about how I never got to be a little girl or a teenage girl or whatever. I was almost an adult, so I felt like I'd missed out on my childhood, so I decided that I didn't want to spend more time like this. Also I thought that maybe I actually could get to be a teenage girl, I still had one year of high school left, I thought that maybe it was possible that I could get that teenage girl experience I wanted at least for a little bit. So I started seriously thinking about what I should do. I decided that I should speak with my mother about this, I then spent like the next 10 months trying to get myself to do it. I started looking over my life trying to "prove" that I actually felt this way. Also I actually started looking at some stuff online about this, which I'd done little of before that point, and I think that maybe looking at some of that stuff helped me actually do it. Finally like 15 days ago I finally got myself to talk to her, I'm still not entirely certain what she thinks about this, I do know that she wasn't mad at me which means that I should've done it years ago. Now I don't really know for sure what I'll do next, Mother has gotten me a therapist and she wants me to talk with them, so I guess I'll do that.
Also, I really like your content. I came across your channel last November whenever I got recommended the video with Dawn in the thumbnail that was called "Click this to become a girl!" or whatever. I added it to my watch later playlist and watched it a few hours later and it made me feel pretty happy. But I really wish that something like your videos existed whenever I was younger, and that I ended up seeing one of them. I can imagine if back in like 2016, I'm staying up past my bedtime watching like Minecraft videos or whatever I was watching back then, and then I get recommended a video like some of the ones you make. I am 99% sure that I would click on it, and that probably would've changed my life.
Wow this hurt. But like the necessary hurt.
You are gonna be a COOL mum. Xxxx
Hi mom I miss you hugs thanks for thr video mom :3 ❤
Why is the first few sentences describing me accurately?
Meow
:3
I’m having trouble understanding her a bit, I’m missing a lot of words
Sorry! Sometimes this issues occurred, I'll try to make future audio's more clear
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