I’m Finnish, and I think some cultural context is important in the second story. In Finland, when you are young, all saunas are mixed, but as you get older it’s more common to be separated by gender. That said, no one will judge you if you are in a mixed group. Also everyone is always naked, saunas originated in Finland and being nude is a essential part of sauna culture. Going to sauna with colleagues is extremely common as well.
Up until my husband was laid off I took a small "allowance" every two weeks, not because I can't be responsible for money, but because sometimes it's nice to be able to purchase something spur of the moment and not need to run it by anyone else. I am unable to work due to multiple physical and mental disabilities, and having just a little bit of pocket money made me feel a little less like a burden when I wanted to get something small for myself, or even buy a gift for someone else. My husband also took the same amount and put it in his own personal account, so we were always on an even playing field. Of course, if it ever came up that our household funds needed a little boost, one or both of us would gladly transfer money from our own accounts back to the main account.
This is what my parents did. My mom stopped working for various reasons, and so when budgeting she'd have a personal spending money just like dad did. So she had something on her. Then obviously if their was extra money left over that didnt' go into anything they budgeted obviously they'd decide together waht to spend that on.
@@shaaba Aww, thank you! We're gearing up to celebrate our 24th anniversary in June, and I couldn't be happier with my choice of spouse. We've been through more than our fair share of ups and downs, but other than just having a distinct lack of funds, money hasn't really been an issue for us. At least not when it comes to disagreements. I think I'll keep him around at least another 24 years. :-)
That’s a really good idea, love it. Also that he puts the same amount in his own personal account so the rest is clearly joint regardless of who is getting the salary. Very cute ❤ But also sorry to hear your husband was laid off. I hope the stress from that eases soon.
I don't think the allowance is bad. I think it's up to each couple how they are going to deal with their finances. The problem is regardless of who is actually paying for them both partners need to make sure the essentials get paid and respect each other's financial goals.
I actually use that when someone asks about my mom. I say "I don't have a mom" and sometimes followed by "there is a woman who birthed me but nothing she did after that was motherly" and then before people ask sth more I say "but I have a lovely relationship with my dad" and they instantly go "oh, well that's wonderful" and then I make the conversation about them instead WITHOUT asking about a parent ;)
To be fair, people are very uncomfortable asking questions when dead relatives are brought up. But what people are wayyy too comfortable asking questions about is an estranged parent, mainly so that they can decide whether or not THEY think it's valid that you don't want to talk to YOUR parent, and if they would classify what your parents did as toxic
Defiantly that! also I feel like people similar to the uncle would says shit like "but he's your family" not understanding OPs situation. However if you say someones dead what are they supposed to say? Get a ouja board to get in contact with them? Person being dead leads to more acceptance that saying that OP choses to not be in contact even if it is completely understandable.
Yeah! I'm estranged with my uncle, and it's no stranger's business why. A couple of people know, but they're close enough to the situation that they can understand without judgement.
I think what makes it difficult is that you don't know why people are asking. Do they want to know in order to support you? Do they want juicy gossip? Do they judge you based on your family ties? Do they want to preach to you on forgiving those who hurt you, or back you up? At any rate, no one is entitled to your personal details, and you shouldn't have to spend your time and energy trying to explain something to someone who may not actually listen to you anyway. I tend to avoid bringing up someone else's family unless they volunteer information first, knowing it's a touchy subject for a lot of people. I try not to judge people because of their upbringing, but they don't know that.
My father has repeatedly expressed his dislike that my partner and me went no contact with partner's parents. This wasn't a rash decision. We were in our late thirties, and it was a joint decision between my partner and one of his siblings. For context, there was no established relationship between my father and my in-laws. He met them at our wedding, and didn't keep in touch with them for the seventeen years before we went no contact. I doubt he would recognize them from a lineup. My father has known since before our wedding that my mother-in-law is a terrible person who said and did unacceptable things to us. My father-in-law is the worst sort of enabler. But, I come from a strongly "family comes first" upbringing (as long as loyalty is given, and not expected in return), so he apparently expected us to knuckle under forever. When I finally got my father to acknowledge that there are valid reasons to go no contact with family, he asked my partner if there was physical abuse when he was a child. Sigh. If my partner had wanted to disclose that information, he would have done so from the beginning, and cut through my father's protests much earlier.
In Finland most public saunas are separated by gender because swimwear isn’t usually allowed. But mixed saunas are also common and nobody thinks of it a “cheating”. Many Finns have seen their colleagues nude I promise you that😂
The cheating part is crazy to me. I understand that the partner might feel odd about OP being naked in a mixed context, if that is not their culture, but to call that cheating is really over the top.
Hey, so, the sauna thing. I'm Swedish and the norm is to sauna naked and together no matter the gender, no matter the season - to such a degree that even when I lived at a super christian school where men and women had to be married to share a room or apartment, and they did have separate gendered saunas, the idea of not mixing and doing it together was absurd. I got kicked from the dorm for being naked IN MY OWN ROOM because someone saw me through my window but even the faculty would think it weird for people not to sauna together, no matter their genders. A bit of cultural context.
In Germany it's common to go to a mixed sauna fully naked. And believe it or not there's absolutely nothing sexual about it, not even the slightest. So I don't even understand the issue
I'm also German. While I personally totally agree with you, I also know a lot of Germans who don't feel comfortable with mixed naked saunas and therefor don't use spas at all. But in fact they aren't worried about it being some kind of shady sexual experience. They rather want to avoid seeing naked people or being seen naked, as they feel it's something to be kept private.
It's different cultural viewpoints, like in the U.K. people talk about salary fairly openly (I've talked about it with friends & work colleagues) but I've heard it's rude to talk about finances in Germany even with close friends. That discomfort about finances is how we feel in the U.K. about nudity.
Hot springs culture is the same in the western USA. Nakedness doesn’t even register are sexual honestly. Sex is an action. It doesn’t have anything to do with your clothing or appearance.
I get it, but it absolutely will cause questions. I was estranged from my birth vessel for 9 years before she died and people almost always asked why when I tried and version of "we don't speak". Lying about that is fine. Of course we don't have to answer, but it is a really shitty position to be in and you don't always want people knowing even part of the story.
I feel this way aswell. I've had plenty of people ask "why" when I say I don't speak to my father. But most people would be way to uncomfortable to ask about the death of a parent and would probably just answer with sympathy most of the time.
In my experience, a lot of people feel entitled to an explanation if you say "I don't talk to my dad." But people seem to be more understanding about not wanting to talk about a dead relative. So telling others the dad is dead invites fewer questions, and it's easier to get people to drop the subject
yeah I feel like saying "Dad is dead" instead of "Dad is dead to me" invites a lot less..... stranger input. Like MAYBE they'll ask how it happened, but that's a big jump, most people will just say "sorry for your loss" or "i'm so sorry" and move on. But when you say they're 'dead to you'... well there's a certain sort of people who hear that and are incapable of not giving their two cents without any background, or will want to know everything so they can prove to you you should always accept family (and sometimes just...nosey ass people who know that statement means drama). It's just the easier way to avoid a painful and unnecessary conversation 9 times out of 10, especially when you have a childhood like that OP's.
I think it depends on the reason why too - for example it could be triggering if someone started telling someone how sorry they were and tried to show positive feelings towards someone who might have been abusive
Last story: As someone who has used the "my mom is dead" excuse (I'm in the US), no. People won't judge you when they find out. Most reasonable adults understand that it's inappropriate to judge or pry into someone else's family drama, and that "my parent is dead" is also a common euphemism for "I don't speak to my parent." However, every time I've said I'm "no contact" with my mom or that I don't speak to xyz family member, I get a barage of questions. It's basically considered an invitation to gossip. However, if you're worried, I like to say "I don't have a mother." If people ask, I just insist that she doesn't exist and I was born without any parents, and they'll quickly get the message and change the subject.
I like a good “oof, we’ll, my dad’s family-it’s a whole thing” followed by a sigh, along with a frown and meaningful eyebrow raise. Anyone who asks further questions-and they almost never do, because it sets up this feeling of “she’s confided in me a little that it’s tough, can’t push it”,-I respond with “oh man, we do not have time to get into all of *that* right now”.
I assumed that ' bread winner ' came from when bread was a 'poor' food for people living in poverty and it was a commoner thing to have a provider instead of just being rich
In France, it still kind of is. We have bread on every tray in canteens, and it stuffs your belly while being yummy (French bread is a treat). It's part of our meals, it's a classic 4 o'clock snack for kids (bread and chocolate, yum) and an easy way to feel full when there's not much to eat at home.
The words lord and lady are contractions from the Old English words for Loaf-ward/keeper and Loaf-dey/kneader, where dey is from the same root as dough and whence we get dairy (the place of the dey, which by Middle English expanded to encompass all of the food related responsibilities of the wife, such as making butter, cheeses, ale, and preserves that would last much longer than the products they were sourced from.
I love the Sauna talk here! Coming from a part of a country, where beeing naked at the lake or in the sauna is quite normal, I find it sooo fascinating, that people have some issues about it. Personal, I feel growing up around lots of different bodies, helped me to devolope a positive or neutral view of my own body. And I wished it would be more normalised. I mean, have you tried naked swimming? Its the Best! 💛
Finn here, public saunas are usually split by gender, and are mostly naked. With little kids (pre-puberty, small enough to not handle going to the pool alone), it's common for little boys to go with their moms to the women's side etc. There are some volunteer-operated places that are mixed, and especially ice-swimming places are fine with swimsuits inside. At houseparties and rented saunas, it all depends on how you set it up as a group, really. Most parties I've been to have had two split "shifts" for the Sauna, and then mixed for the rest of the night. So TL;DR, it's normal to be naked in the sauna, but mixed or not depends on the situation, and in places like pools and gyms, it's separated.
Are kids allowed inside the actual saunas? Here in UK I've not seen any saunas that allow anyone under 12 - I was told it was because little kids might get unwell if they use it but I know saunas are a big thing in Finnish culture so wondered if it was different there!
@@Sophie_Cleverly yep they are! Anyone under 12 is highly likely to be with a parent(s) who can make sure the kid is fine, but also many kids here grow up going to the sauna from toddler age, so they are familiar with it and are probably also better at gauging when they need to go out to cool down (can't really say this for sure but I feel like it'd make sense that we learn to read our own reactions to the heat? I dunno)
@@Sophie_Cleverly In ye olden days in rural areas (which was most of Finland) kids were typically born in a mildly warmed sauna (because easy access to hot water and it generally was the cleanest place available). My mother and all her siblings were born in saunas, AFAIK, in the 1930s and 40s. Today everyone I know takes their toddlers to sauna, though not for very long and not up to the hottest bench, and everyone drinking some water both before and after is important. Infants should not be taken into a hot sauna because they cannot regulate their body temperature very well yet. But washing a baby in a basin on the sauna floor works just fine.
Hi, a fellow Finn here - I second all of the above. Also was just in a sauna with my sister and her 9 month old child. The child was in water the whole time and only for a short while. And personally I like going to the sauna with mites and naked. Wearing a bikini in a sauna makes me fell less self confident and weird.
My heart breaks for the kid in the last one. That's such a sad situation to be in. No one should tell you to have a good relationship with someone who isn't putting any effort in
Facts. Even when you know the person who is estranged we would all do well to keep in mind that someone can act completely different to others behind closed doors. Reminds me of abusive relationships when people fail to be supportive; they try to litigate and judge for themselves whether the victim is justified. Especially happens when someone knows the abuser as a friend or coworker, etc. they don't want to believe what they're capable of, and would prefer to victim -blame. Nothing more heartbreaking than a kid with 0 supportive family members. Sending love for that op's peace and happiness. However they feel like explaining their family relationships.
Shaaba on the "my dad is dead" comment, I speak from experience when I say that saying my dad is dead is leagues easier, because nobody with an ounce of compassion will follow that up with a million questions and a lecture, on how you the victim should disregard your victimization in favor of empowering your abuser to keep abusing you for the look of the thing to society at large. "My dad is dead TO ME" invites those questions about why and how and what happened. Now the victim has to re-live their trauma events for someone's idle curiosity, thereby re-traumatizing themselves and setting their healing journey back, before ultimately having their experience entirely disregarded (because society is pathological on family being more important than life and sanity even if they actively tried to kill you).
Speaking as someone who has been to nude mixed saunas quite a few times, I can honestly say that it doesn't matter at all once you're in there. I was admittedly a bit nervous before I went for the first time, but it was really just like sitting next to people in a waiting room: no-one stared, or even looked each other in the eye much, and it really was quite comfortable. I still wouldn't want to go with colleagues, but otherwise it's not at all as intense as the boyfriend seems to imagine.
I will say, as someone who is completely estranged from one of their parents, I totally get them saying their dad is dead. While I wouldn't do it myself, and I while I totally disagree that this should be the case - it's like Jamie said, if you say you're estranged from a parent there's often an unspoken assumption that it reflects badly on you as the child for some reason. If you tell people you've lost someone close to you, they often have a sympathetic response. Also: if you tell someone you're estranged from a parent, whether they choose to ask follow up questions it feels like you've already disclosed that you went through some form of abuse or serious mistreatment from that parent. Cos i feel most people have an inkling of why estrangement occurs. And personally I really don't want to tell people about, or even slightly imply, the horrible shit I've been through in the past. I think Shaaba's point about it causing other issues down the line if people think you're a liar or something is really sensible, but I have so much empathy for just not wanting people to get near such a painful topic for you.
As someone who is fully no contact with either parent, I despise the whole "family is more important, no matter what" because that implies that family can do literally anything and it be ok because they happen to be related. If someone related to you does something bad to you, you have no more obligation to forgive them than you would a stranger.
This! If it was a partner people have no hesitation to automatically say dump/divorce them - why do we need to put up with things just because a person is related when people would not stand for it if a person wasn't related
For the first one, my mom is a disabled veteran (former military) and gets a pension every month, but it's much less than half of what my dad makes every month, so if they only bought things out of their own income, even if my dad paid for all the necessities by himself, my mom would still have less spending money than he has. So, to make up the difference and to cover the grocery shopping (which my mom usually does), he transfers a set amount, an "allowance," into her account every month. If big expenses come up, my parents reallocate money as needed, but otherwise it just gives my mom the assurance that she can spend as much as she wants to out of her account without worrying about interfering with things my dad wants or things for the household. My parents communicate pretty well, and my mom is conscientious about money, so as far I know, they've never had a problem with it. (Edit) Also, my dad only transfers a certain amount into his own checking account, and then the rest goes in savings, so he essentially gives himself an allowance too! It's just a tool to manage spending. This couple is clearly not seeing the allowance situation in the same way. The wife clearly spends more than her husband and expects him to fund her lifestyle
That makes sense and is also a healthy way to make sure both people feel ‘good’ when spending money when income is very unequal, keeping in mind that the person who makes less money may also be contributing significantly to the marriage in non-monetary ways. I understand why Shaaba and Jamie feel uneasy about the word allowance, but I also know that for myself I would prefer to have a clear amount to spend when it comes to personal things especially.
European here with Sauna experience (Austria). it's obligatory to be naked, but you can wrap yourself in a towel, but thats not very common and people might look at you weird if you ARE covered up. Saunas (at the public swimming pools for example) offer binary gendered days, and mixed days. so e.g. wednesday is women only, friday men only, the rest of the week mixed. i never once was in a gendered sauna. i grew up with my parents being big sauna goers so i grew up being a child around naked people. it was just normal. also nudist beaches are big here and in Germany (FKK Frei Körper Kulture - translates to "free body culture").. NOTHING beats swimming nude. it's ridiculous cause a bathing suit or bikini is so little fabric, but it's a HUGE difference.
As a Finn, the sauna one almost gave me a headache. In my culture, nudity in a sauna is way different from a sexual context. Of course, sometimes those contexts can overlap, such as when a couple goes to sauna togerher and gets frisky. But a mixed sauna with your colleagues is no place for sexual stuff.
As someone who is disabled and often asked invasive questions I lie to people all the time who I don’t know, I do think it’s a little bit different if it was a partner so it would depend.
Time stamps: 2:42 AITA for refusing to buy my wife a dress she can afford? 11:21 reading comments on the 1st story 15:24 AITA for going to a sauna in mixed company? 26:23 reading comments on story 2 30:08 AITA for saying my dad is dead even though he’s alive? 38:12 reading comments on story 3
Regarding whether being nude with people is cheating or not, this touches on a really frustrating thing I notice in relationships. People often rely on a shared cultural understanding of what is exclusive to the relationship and what isn't. It's fine for most things and easier, so I get why it's the norm, but sometimes these differences really need to be discussed. Some more traditional cultures consider wearing revealing clothing to be something you should only do when alone with your partner, and we have other people who don't consider even sex to be exclusive. And for an example that people do discuss more commonly, is watching porn cheating on your partner? Well, if you personally put certain things in the exclusive box, then yes, it can be. But if your partner doesn't put those same things in, then they won't think to hold off unless you tell them. And if these lines don't perfectly line up, like in the sauna story, that's an incompatibility that either has to be discussed and compromised on, or means the relationship should be ended.
Just to add after seeing more of their discussion. Cheating fundamentally means breaking the rules of the relationship. In other words, doing something you're only supposed to do with your partner with other people instead. Being nude around other people in a non-sexual way can definitely be considered cheating to some, it just depends on what box you include it in.
I agree with the one about an allowance, but just to give a different perspective on how an allowance can be used: my spouse and I each have an allowance so we have some fun money to use each month without overspending. But we each have the same dollar amount from our shared finances, and it is a budgeting tool we're flexible with. Necessities don't come from it. Their situation seems very different and to raise many red flags on both sides imo
I used to be a cleaner at the biggest media company in Finland, basically the Finnish equivalent of the BBC. Part of my job was to clean the saunas. The two main ones were gendered but nude, connected to the shower rooms. So not mixed, but the people were naked with their colleagues there all the time. The third sauna was a VIP one and that one wasn't gendered, but I'm not sure if they ever had mixed groups there.
There's also saunas in the Finnish Parliament house for all the ministers and other MPs. They're gendered, but I'm pretty sure nudity is a rule in those ones too. So even the prime ministers get often naked amongst their colleagues. It's a good way to remind people that regardless of their position in the society they're all just humans.
Most pranks I see online, I would consider red flags. The way I prank is like... Putting googley eyes on things (hubby loves that and had such a fun scavenger hunt for all the eyes I put around) or hide a friend's phone when they aren't looking (I don't let them get upset or frustrated before I just tell them where it is).
The uncle in the last story is absolutely unbelievable. My parents are divorced (I don't speak to or about my "father" bc he's not a good guy to say the least) and if someone had told me "no matter what, family's more important" I would have had some choice words for them. The uncle totally needs to GET IN THE BIN!
17:58 Here in The Netherlands the standard for saunas is both mixed and naked! There are underwear / bikini days though, but any sexual acts are not allowed.
About the sauna culture : I'm half French, half German, and both side of my families like saunas. In France I've never seen a mixed sauna, nor a nude one - nudes there exists but are usually focused on some sort of homosexual dating, and I've never tried it. In Germany (my father's family is from the north end, just at the Denmark border), it's usually mixed and nude, forbidden to wear a swimsuit for hygienic reasons. Strangely, i've always felt more safe in the naked one, as the culture makes the naked bodies totally normal, and it helped me getting comfortable with my own body. I don't really care about it, even though I'm transitioning. It's the vibe "it's just a functioning body, nothing else" and it's reassuring. Kuddos to my German side! ♥
Gym saunas where I live tend to be nude as well. Like, a nude sauna isn't a thing, it's just a sauna. I think it's perfectly okay to be uncomfortable about your partner going to one of those events, like we can't control how others feel, but it still strikes me as strange. A sauna isn't a sexual place, just like how a changing room isn't. Calling it akin to cheating feels super strange to me though, and makes me wonder how he'd behave in such places.
Shabaa and Jamie's reaction to a naked sauna is _so very_ British. I go to the sauna/onsen with my colleagues all the time (I live in Japan) and it's perfectly normal... The idea of entering a sauna clothed, though, allowing the sweat to soak into the fabric and have the fabric of a bathing suit cut off circulation... it makes me shudder. Saunas are meant for health, relaxation and freedom (and that means being in the buff). That doesn't mean you're dancing around naked. You can still wear a towel around your body if you're really uncomfortable, but for the love of Pete don't wear clothes!!! Also, this idea that people look at other people's bodies in the sauna is so strange to me... it's not a focus at all in places like this. Hard to explain, but everyone I've introduced to nude saunas/onsens/bathing has appreciated it after understanding (but it's hard to explain).
Completely agree with you both, on the last one, that OP is not the drama. However one point that I haven't seen people bring up as much is the solidarity that can come from people who are also grieving their loved ones. I lost my dad a little under a year ago and it always means so much to me when I hear someone speak about their parents who have passed. It makes me feel safe that I can express my feelings without having to hide my sadness. So I feel like if I learned that someone was saying their "dad was dead" when they meant that they're "dead to me," I would feel a little betrayed in my vulnerability that I would share in response. Though I can emphasize their situation
COMPLETELY agree. As someone who's dad IS dead, I would say not the drama vis a vis OP's dad, however if someone told me their dad was dead and it turned out he wasn't I would be a upset, because losing a parent is such a specific experience and I often connect quite deeply with people who share it, but it's a heavy thing, so I would feel like this person kind of messed with my feelings. Like you said, someone sharing that makes me feel safe, like I can bring up my experience more easily, and so it would be a bit of a betrayal
It's tricky because I feel like the poster in that story also grieves for the parental figure they lost/don't have. I wonder if you'd feel betrayed in a situation where the person's parent had died, but they were glad because they were awful?
@@Solsiva it's different because as long as someone is still alive, there is always potential for things to change. Once they die, that potential is over. That's why they're completely different experiences, and I'd feel deceived if someone told me we had this experience in common, when we don't. However, I would never judge someone for the way they grieve, so no of course I wouldn't feel betrayed by them being relieved that their parent died, there would be no deception in that scenario since they didn't lie about their father being dead
@@anazingemma392 Ok, I think I understand. Maybe when my parents pass on I'll feel differently, but I think to me it'd be a bit much for me to say it's betrayal/deception. That feels very much like putting motive and intention on the other person who is just trying to either illustrate how strongly they feel or to stop further questions.
@@Solsiva yeah I understand that, I guess you don't really need to intend it for someone to feel like you played with their feelings a little. It's a sensitive topic, I think it's important to be aware that other people will feel affected by it. Also in my experience saying you have a dead parent does not stop a situation from being uncomfortable, quite the opposite
In most of the US, nude saunas or hot tubs implies sex. This is so ingrained that most Americans would have a hard time not thinking that. As an analogy, a sandwich implies bread. Like, even in SP circles. It would be a safe assumption that if a new sweetheart said on the phone that they were getting in the sauna, then you aren’t exclusive and that is them telling you. Cultural differences are tricky.
You said you don’t like pranks where it seems like a waste but what is your opinion on this prank. Currently, I am at University studying to become a vet and I keep buying packets of tiny rubber ducks and hiding them all around my vet school. I started with little yellow ducks, then coloured ducks, currently I am on coloured ducks with sunglasses. They are everywhere and I mean everywhere. They keep getting stolen or moved, but everywhere you go there are ducks somewhere. But there are a number of members of staff who know it is me and when they have found out it is me they have all said please continue to do it, it brings everyone such great joy. One member of staff told me the day I came back from holiday and started putting ducks up again, She had been having a really bad day and then she saw the ducks had returned and it made her entire week. Another member of staff told me that before she knew it was me there were many in-depth discussions theorising who it could be, and that staff are having fun finding and moving them including to student restricted areas. Another told me there were discussions on moving them/putting stop to it, and as a result numerous angry emails were sent defending the ducks, saying they greatly improve mental health and not to be rid of them (don’t worry they were only temporarily moved when the accreditation people came to visit, and they were only mildly worried about copycats and ending up with thousands of tiny animals around the vet school) Half of the office staff have ducks lined on top of their computer monitors and many others have them in their office windows So in some aspect, yes, it is a waste of time, money and ducks, but on the other hand it is spreading untold amounts of joy amongst both students and staff
About the dad if people ask you about it just say "It's complicated" this is an almost universal phrase for "don't ask about it, I don't want to talk about it".
2 stories here connect to my wife. My wife has CPTSD. A dentist saw that on her file and actually asked "What trauma did you have?". My wife respectfully said that she didn't see how that had anything to do with filling a cavity. My wife also took part in a tastful artistic nude photography session. When she asked if I had a problem with her photos being on display in a gallery, I laughed and said that it's her body and she can do what she wants with it. Coincidentally the same week my sister participated in a faux nude photoshoot to promote veganism "Eat pussy not Animals"
"essentially what theyre doing is picking up a grain of sand to complain about something youve done, on the whole beach of crap that theyve done to you" Ugh, chef's kiss, Jamie 👌 As someome with a near-nothing relationship with my dad, 1. I still wouldnt tell ppl he's literally dead when he isnt, but 2. I can understand being so distant/hurt by someone that they are 'dead to you'. But there is a BIG different between someone being dead to you, and them actually being dead... Thanks for another great podcast guys! Had me talking and rambling to myself once again 😂❤
7:34 I want to know what is included in “her shopping“. OP listed the things he pays for but didn‘t say if his wife pays for any essentials. Based on the infos we have, it sounds like the wife is taking advantage of OP but I‘m suspicious because it sounds like OP left out some information. If, for example, the wife is responsible for shopping groceries and household items, that would change the story a LOT.
For some reason my alarm bells are going off on this OP. The relationship dynamic he‘s describing is abusive with him very clearly being the victim. But if the wife really was paying for groceries, this could mean that even with the allowance, she’d end up spending more money on essentials than him and she‘d be left with very little (if any) money for personal expenses. I can see a situation in which she hasn‘t been able to afford any personal purchases for a while and now she has this family event coming up and doesn‘t have a dress for it. So she asked OP to give her more money so she can afford it and he agreed but it‘s not enough and so she asked him if he can buy it for her. I know I‘m constructing my own narrative here and it could all be completely false but I‘m just hesitant to call the wife an AH because I‘m so suspicious of how this post is written. I think the reasons I don’t trust OP are: - no mention of groceries (are they included in bills or not?) - no mention of why his wife earns less (is she just in a lower earning career or does she perhaps work less hours than him while also doing the majority of the household chores?) - he never explicitly says that she spends a lot of money on unnecessary expenses or that she is financially irresponsible - She has no savings -> some people are genuinely this financially irresponsible but it could also be a sign that she simply has no money left over to put into savings. - when it comes to financial abuse, it‘s certainly possible that the partner with a lower income is abusing the partner with a higher income but it just raises an eyebrow for me because it‘s usually the other way around - And lastly, it‘s common for abusers to paint their victims as abusive and themselves as the victim, especially when called out. To me this post reeks of “I didn‘t lie, I just didn’t say everything.“ Makes me wonder if perhaps HE is the one financially abusing his wife and after she called him out on it, he is making this post in order to get everyone saying she‘s taking advantage of him so he can turn around and go: “See? Everyone‘s agreeing with me, they‘re calling you a gold digger. Stop complaining and be grateful!“
I feel the distinction would be "her shopping" vs "THE shopping" (or "our shopping". The latter would be used if she were responsible for doing all shopping for the household, as it would include things the husband needs/uses as well. Making it not exclusively "hers". But also, she has her own salary. The spending money her husband gives her is on top of that. It sounds like she's just bad with money regardless.
In sweden we wear a towel to the sauna if we like to, but most people just use it to sit on. But mostly they are gendered, at least they were when I was a kid and when I went to school. we had saunas after swimming and bathing suits or whatever are considered unhygienic in that situation. And yeah, being in a nude sauna with your collegues is not that weird over here. Finland is the big sauna country but swedes have them too.
Oh my gosh yes. Naked in front of people you’re professional with is soooo much weirder to me than naked with utter strangers. That feels like it’s really crossed the professional line 😂 they say to be careful going out drinking with people you work with… I guess this is next level
33:40 this story reminds me of how my ex's parents treated him as a child. his parents hate each other, and when he was a kid, they would use him as a middle man so they could communicate without having to see each other. they would basically have arguments through him and he was stuck in the middle.
I watched a prank video where someone put a sticker on the ceiling that said "gullible." Another one by the same person, he gave random people money, and said things like "thanks for helping me when I had my vasectomy" basically trying to get them to laugh.
@@bboops23 Exactly! I LOVE watching those sorts of wholesome pranks! He has a ton of them where no one gets hurt, though some of them annoy people and a couple have caused momentary fear. I just like the wholesome ones, though.
@@ambriasaunders1869 my favorite prank I ever pulled was getting my husband downstairs to help me move the recycling and then he saw the empty garage and the prank was that I already moved it
I just love listening to Shaaba and Jamie discuss anything, they could talk about which type of bin bag they need to buy next time they go grocery shopping and I would happily listen.
36:02 the thing is I feel like people are less likely to ask about the details of death, but there are people who have never had beef in their family or experienced trauma at the hands of their family who just can’t understand not talking to family. So they might ask more questions and/or push for a reunion and things to be fixed.
Something I have figured out growing up, was if I use the verbiage of biological father. Instead of dad or father. People seem to (usually) ask less questions
Had a stressful day and was so glad to see this video pop up ❤❤ Pranks are a red flag for me, they're so often mean-spirited and go on for far too long.
The situation in the third post is definitely a tough one. Not whether they’re the “asshole” as it were, but just acknowledging that trying to find the words and trying to deal with the aftermath is difficult. I remember the one time something I said about my estranged parent “got back” to him. I was trying to work a summer job I had during college when my dad started texting me, berating me about how horrible a person I was and was lying about how bad he was to my sister and me. The culprit? A cute social media post I shared online about being comfortable with having siblings from other parents, and me saying I’m glad my siblings are better off than I was (he was abusive to my sister and me but has toned himself down considerably since having my step and half siblings in his life). I entirely phrased it just to say the siblings were doing good and I’m happy for them, and that was my intention, but he took it as an attack at his character. After several really long texts (and me trying to clean a hallway while reading and sobbing) he started going off about how it was our faults that he wasn’t involved with our lives shortly after the divorce because we closed him out. I finally told him that it wasn’t after the divorce that was the problem, but all the years before it. I also kindly told him that if he was interested in being a part of my life at all during that time period, he would have known my best friend died in a car wreck that summer. I was at his house when I got the news even, yet he failed to put the dots together and decided I was just being spiteful. It’s been about a decade since that interaction, and I only think about it occasionally, recognizing what I thought was a genuine (albeit an extremely reactive) misunderstanding was more likely a severe case of gaslighting. I’m not afraid to talk about the things he did, or likewise to choose not to disclose it depending on the situation (I’ll just sum it up to “he was a dick” and move on) but that comes with a decade of learning and healing. I hope the OP of the third post has that opportunity to heal and find a way to control the conversation when it surrounds their dad, in a way that they’re comfortable with, whatever that may be.
hi just fiy there is a reason for not allowing clothing in a sauna: it is more hygienic that way. Towels (cotton0 are okay, but swimsuits, etc. are really bad choice for the sauna and breeding grounds for bacteria, especially in the warm humid environment of saunas.
Also, might be the bright colorful set as much as you guys, but my lil squish is sat in my lap just watching fascinated while I'm waiting for him to burp. Very cute. 😊
My wife and I have a similar situation to you guys: joint bank account and always communicating about spending money. These conversations are usually just breaking down what bills are coming out before the next paycheck to be sure we have enough money for those bills even after whatever extra expense we want (gotta love living near-paycheck-to-paycheck 🙃). I do think there are things we could add/adjust to that arrangement (something like a set amount that we each get to spend on extra stuff), but what we have now does work for our purposes
My mom has been stay at home since I was born (and after I turned 18 is still), so my Dad does give her an allowance for non-bill spending. They have had to renegotiate it when she's ordered a fair amount from Amazon for a little while, but it's always been a thoughtful conversation and the allowance allowed my mom some feeling of financial freedom while not having an income. I think it's not uncommon for one partner to support the bills in a household if someone is in a particularly low-paying field/unpaid or if they're in school, but giving an allowance when they have a salary and you're already paying all the bills is strange to me.
Yes that is what is strange to me, as the wife has an income and seems not to use any of it for common expenses. Even if she has a lower salary, all of it is for her personal spending and OP is covering all common expenses, which seems fair enough if one person makes a lot less.
To be fair, the Anglo Saxon words for lord and lady were basically 'loaf guardian' and 'loaf maker', so I think bread has been an important way of talking about families or communities for a long time
For the first one, maybe they had some kind of "sugar daddy" agreement at the start of the relationship, especially in her eyes. Maybe he did promise her he'd buy her everything she wanted and now he's surprised she is holding onto that even through hardships. I don't think it's right, at all, I am just saying there are people out there that enter relationships mainly on financial grounds. I am not saying it is so here, because OP hadn't stated that, but sometimes people (mainly men I'd say) have low self asteem and uses money to buy themselves love/companionship and they find "high maintentance" partners that uses them as a piggy bank. It would be interesting to know if this has been an upcreeping thing or if he DID make promises at the start of the realtionship.
I was thinking about this kind of dynamic too and were a bit surprised no-one else has mentioned it. There has been some articles about "provider relationships", where a man makes money and a woman looks pretty, are some kind of a social media trend and this reminded me of those. But aren't unattractive well-off men and their young, beautiful partners, who don't do anything, kind of a cliche?
@@soundlessbee yes, but cliches tend to be true. Im just surprised that the man seems so oblivious. If this was the arrangement, Maybe is naive and think that after a few years she will grow to love him regardless of him keeping his "promises" or not.
@@koalaskrypin Exactly. That's why I was so surprised no-one mentioned it. Perhaps they haven't communicated very well and they have different understandings of the type of the relationship. I could imagine someone telling their spouse they would take care of them and give them everything they wanted, without thinking their partner would expect them to go bankrupt over the "promise".
Perfect timing on the sauna story. I commented on your tour announcement and there was some disagreement on whether it was appropriate to refer to "Europe" as being separate from the UK. I think you explained it very well.
@@s.a.4358 The UK is part of Europe geographically. Culturally they are sometimes considered separate. I believe this was explained in the video as well.
@@alex_blue5802 yes I am well aware of Europe and the UK (including that they feel different), but my question remains, if the UK is not part of Europe, what is it then part of?
@@s.a.4358 it is part of the continent of Europe, but some people will still talk about it separately. It is like the distinction between humans and animals. Technically humans are animals, but in this context clearly we are contrasting humans and non-human animals. Humans have a sort of special significance that makes this comparison feel logical.
@@alex_blue5802 what I said from the beginning, it is part of (the continent) of Europe. Only in the UK will people talk about Europe like something they are not part of, however that doesn’t change the fact and says more about the mindset in the UK. Saying this as someone who has lived for many years in the UK, as well as in severe other European countries.
As someone who has had a complicated relationship with her father since she was 15, I can say that even though we don't speak (albeit for far less dramatic reasons than OP's situation), I don't tell people that he is dead. Whenever someone asks about him I just say "He's no longer in my life and I don't want to talk about it." Usually the "I don't want to talk about it" part prompts them to drop the subject and just accept my answer, but sometimes they will pry. I don't particularly like when they pry as to why I don't speak to him because it wasn't necessarily 1 large incident, but rather several small ones over the course of almost 15 years that caused me to cut contact for my own mental wellbeing and to go through the long list takes far too long, but condensing the list makes me sound like an A-hole for cutting him out of my life. If people continue to pry even after I say I don't want to talk about it, I cut them out of my life too. I will tell you what I want to and when I want to. If I'm comfortable with you, I will probably open up and tell you or I might not. If you can't respect my decisions, I don't have to deal with you. There's always those people who think that you have to put in the effort to have a relationship with a family member (especially a parent) that they ignore that the effort needs to be a 2 way street and/or having a relationship with them can be dangerous. Point is, OP is likely to get questions regardless of whether they tell people that he is dead or just dead to them. If you value having a particular person in your life, just be honest with them and tell them he is dead to you because lying to them will only cause further problems. You don't have to share everything with them and if they want to be in your life, they shouldn't pry. I get the dad being upset, but at the same time my reaction is also "really? what did you think was going to happen when you couldn't be bothered to be in your child's life and caused them so much pain and trauma?"
Saunas in the US are mostly found in gyms and because of that apparently it's common to go in them fully clothed, which is wild to me. I've only ever been there in a swimsuit. But like I'm American born and it still confuses me that saunas aren't supposed to be like...minimal clothes. To me it makes more sense to be naked or with just like a damp towel. I think it's weird to do it fully clothed but apparently that's the norm here 😅
I’m from a culture where sauna is always naked (in fact people are often not allowed to wear clothes so everyone is equally naked) and while travelling in the USA I was told off for going into a sauna naked even though it was a one-person sauna cabin. I was really confused especially because it was not a shared sauna, but the people from the youth hostel thought I was being indecent
The husband and wife story - in my relationship, me and my partner live together and have done for a number of years. I always wanted the bills and expenses that are for joint living to be 50/50, but recently, there has been a shift, and my partner is now making much more money than me. I still stuck to the 50/50 until my partner did some calculations and worked out the 80% of my salary went on bills etc, whereas his was only 60%, we then agreed to change it, so now its 70% for both of us, which has taken alot of pressure off me. My point is that sometimes being equal in a relationship does not mean being 50/50 on everything.
I dare to say thta with the saunas it really depends. For example I think nude saunas should exclude children and now hear me out, I have a reason for this. When I was maybe 11, my mom dragged me into a sauna. It was the kind thats either towels or nothing. Now I was already uncomfotable as hell, wearing just a towel when a nude man walked into the sauna we were at and after a bit he started wanking off, while looking at us.. like.. dude.. my mom shooed us away from there but the damage has been done already.. I have hated saunas already before that day but this has just made me even more uncomfortable in them.. What also didn't help was the fact that myom didn't even idk... tell the guy (or the staff) something? So she basically enabled him and God knows how many children have experienced him..
Preach that family is NOT the end all be all. That is literally how you perpetuate abuse with the mindset that regardless what this individual does to you, you HAVE to be around them
Pranks are a green flag because they show that someone isn't too serious and can enjoy a little whimsy. Of course, that only applies to pranks that are clever, good-natured, and environmentally friendly. Mean pranks are reserved for awful people who get joy from lording themselves over you and making others miserable. i.e. Jim pranking Dwight is entirely justified because Dwight can be insufferable.
I'm from Germany and it is very common for saunas to be mixed and nude. That's more the standard. I think in east Germany more than in the west. However I was born 15 years after the reunification so take my commentary of cultural differences between east and west germany with a grain of salt. In east Germany it's even very common to go to nude beaches. I've heard of a lot of people that they didn't own a bathing suit until after the reunification. Even at non nude beaches, toddlers (up to 5 I'd say) are usually naked. The only reason why I haven't been to a nude beach is that I hate the feeling of sunscreen and having to put sunscreen on my entire body sounds like actual torture.
Re: the last story - I've been living in a very similar situation. Parents divorced when I was younger, abusive father died while we were estranged, but as of now I still have an older sibling I'm also estranged from (who was also abusive to my mom/me). I don't talk about my sibling and I tell everyone (including friends) that I'm an only child. While this may not necessarily be the right thing to do, it was necessary for me to feel safe and establish emotional distance from them, as well as avoid having to relive certain traumatic memories if I ever had to explain things to people. I've considered telling one friend, but to be honest I don't feel like being judged for decisions I made for my own well being. Like Shaaba says, it's my information and if I don't feel like sharing it's nothing personal, I've just worked hard to protect my peace and I want to keep it that way.
The allowance story sounds so weird to me, mainly b.c I wonder what the wife is doing with all the money. She works, gets an allowance on top of her salary, *only* uses this money for herself (since OP said they cover household expenses, bills, and eating out), then instead of using the money she already has, asked for more money to buy it, *then* turned around and asked OP to buy it for her anyway?! What is she doing? Is she gambling? Is she cheating and spending the money on her lover? And the "you know which promises you're not keeping" sounds like a deflection b.c she can't think of an example and wants them to feel guilty so they dont question her.
I really disagree with the “you should’ve discussed the nude sauna” argument. When I go to the gym and shower there/go in the sauna, I’m naked around other women. By that logic, I should discuss that with my BF because I’m bi and I’m naked around the gender I’m also attracted to? Being naked is absolutely not inherently sexual, so I feel like the only time I’d discuss my being nude around other people should be when there’s a situation that explicitly impacts an element of our relationship as well (i.e. ‘exotic’ events, going to a sauna with a group of people that my ex is also part of, etc.). Obviously you can share your plans with your partner (I’m going to the sauna this weekend, yay!), but an actual discussion would be out of order for me.
I feel like on top of this being giod content this seems like a really good opportunity for you guys to open up talking points about your own relationship that may not have necessarily come up in regular conversation
Maple makes my life 🦮 I have an Assistance Dog too and I love seeing Maple’s personality shine and their videos because they remind people that even the bestest good doggo’s have their own quirks, personality and cheekiness. My pup knows how to open and shut all the doors in my house and can also turn lights on/off. When I leave her home alone instead of taking her with me (rarely like when I’m having a long scan done or am going somewhere where I don’t need her because I have a human to help out) she rebels by opening closed doors and shutting open ones while she moves around the house as she wishes and she turns random lights on/off. The first time she did that I fully freaked out that some stranger was robbing my house, except my pup was happily wagging her tail at the door when I walked in… now I’m just used to coming home to find the house pitch black or lit up like a Christmas tree with all the lamps on and random doors that have changed position, I have to warn anyone that stays that they’re liking going to get a surprise visit in the middle of the night if the door isn’t locked and tell them my house is only haunted by a cute pup - no scary ghosts 😅😂
I have to softly disagree with Jamie saying that you can’t have any say over what your partner does with their body. You can set boundaries in relationships, and those boundaries can extend to who sees your body. But you are also entitled to end the relationship if you cannot compromise and find boundaries that are acceptable for both parties. Different people are going to be comfortable with different levels of others seeing their partner’s bodies, and I think that’s ok. As long as a mutual agreement can be established, then that’s what is important. “I have a hard boundary when it comes to others seeing my partner’s body” and “I do not grant anyone control over my body” are both valid beliefs to hold. However, if a compromise cannot be found, then the relationship might be incompatible.
So growing up when people asked if i had any siblings i would always say no. My sister is 11 years older then me and when i was a kid she was an angry teen living with our dad (our parents split) and she hated me more then anything in the world (her worlds lol) so i never saw her, and to me she just didn't really exist as a sister.. when i turned 10 she got a boyfriend who loved our family and me, he treated me like a little sister, and she started to do so too, i would spend my weekend at their apartment, we bought a bunch of candy and stayed up late watching movies in bed, it was lovely, some of my best memories. She knows i said i was an only child, so did she in fact, we have no grudges or anger, thats just how we felt at the time. If you want to say your dad is dead, go ahead, he has no right to be mad.. Also it is probably her only way to really lash out on him when she had no contact, so NO ASSHOLE HERE.
First i want to say i REALLY enjoy your videos, and the 1800 drama series, i love how you can see different sides and through telling the other person they can mostly see it too then. That's really awesome. It makes my heart smile 🥰 Now, in Graz, Austria we have seperate nude pools and beaches (which are right next to the clothed ones) as far as i know, for saunas it's your own choice if you're naked or not, so clothed and naked, male and female all mixed together. It's called FKK (Frei Körper Kultur = Free Body Culture) it's a little less talked about now than in the 90's, which i think is because we have a lot more people with a big variaty of coultures and belief systems now but it's still around and quite popular. I also wanted to say, the fact that official fathers can only pay 8$ a month is mind boggling to me, here if you're on the birth certificate as the father, even if you don't have contact and know basically nothing about his life right now, you're getting the money from the state and he has to pay it back, if he doesn't, he'll go to jail.
26:13 it sounds kinda like Shaaba said "paw-mission" and I thought that was very cute and sounds like a little cat trying to go on a field trip with school
A point in defense of the allowance thing: To preface, I am not good with money and have a tendency to spend it if I have it. My husband is very frugal and takes great care of our finances. So my husband and I both work and both of our wages go into our joint bank account. That account is used for bills, necessities, and mutual expenses like date night. A couple years ago money was tight and I got a weekly allowance in cash as play money that I could use to buy whatever I wanted and it was actually nice to have that money and be able to blow it on nonsense and not feel bad because I knew the important things were still covered. People always raised their eyebrows when I used the word "allowance" but I actually preferred it that way. Now that money isn't tight anymore we do not need that arrangement and I have matured significantly so I can be responsible (mostly lol) with our money. 😅
On the "my dad's dead" thing, I have a "dead to me" relative and I say "she's gone" when people ask me about that family member. Most people assume that means she's dead, but I don't owe people an explanation on what happened. Those closest to me get the story, but in general, I just tell them she's "gone."
If you ever come to Finland, you can go Sauna alone, if you don’t feel comfortable with other people. The swimwear is basically plastic and the heat we have in Saunas (can be close to boiling point of water) so it’s kind of safety issue. But anyway you can wear a towel too, we understand foreigners quite well with stuff related to Sauna.
I’m Finnish, and I think some cultural context is important in the second story. In Finland, when you are young, all saunas are mixed, but as you get older it’s more common to be separated by gender. That said, no one will judge you if you are in a mixed group. Also everyone is always naked, saunas originated in Finland and being nude is a essential part of sauna culture. Going to sauna with colleagues is extremely common as well.
For the sauna, the boyfriend is “allowed” to feel however he feels, but comparing it to cheating is DRAMA.
Up until my husband was laid off I took a small "allowance" every two weeks, not because I can't be responsible for money, but because sometimes it's nice to be able to purchase something spur of the moment and not need to run it by anyone else. I am unable to work due to multiple physical and mental disabilities, and having just a little bit of pocket money made me feel a little less like a burden when I wanted to get something small for myself, or even buy a gift for someone else. My husband also took the same amount and put it in his own personal account, so we were always on an even playing field. Of course, if it ever came up that our household funds needed a little boost, one or both of us would gladly transfer money from our own accounts back to the main account.
sounds super healthy, teamwork goals 🥹 thanks for sharing! x
This is what my parents did. My mom stopped working for various reasons, and so when budgeting she'd have a personal spending money just like dad did. So she had something on her. Then obviously if their was extra money left over that didnt' go into anything they budgeted obviously they'd decide together waht to spend that on.
@@shaaba Aww, thank you! We're gearing up to celebrate our 24th anniversary in June, and I couldn't be happier with my choice of spouse. We've been through more than our fair share of ups and downs, but other than just having a distinct lack of funds, money hasn't really been an issue for us. At least not when it comes to disagreements. I think I'll keep him around at least another 24 years. :-)
That’s a really good idea, love it. Also that he puts the same amount in his own personal account so the rest is clearly joint regardless of who is getting the salary. Very cute ❤
But also sorry to hear your husband was laid off. I hope the stress from that eases soon.
I don't think the allowance is bad. I think it's up to each couple how they are going to deal with their finances. The problem is regardless of who is actually paying for them both partners need to make sure the essentials get paid and respect each other's financial goals.
The linguistic loophole here is "I don't have a Dad."
I actually use that when someone asks about my mom. I say "I don't have a mom" and sometimes followed by "there is a woman who birthed me but nothing she did after that was motherly" and then before people ask sth more I say "but I have a lovely relationship with my dad" and they instantly go "oh, well that's wonderful" and then I make the conversation about them instead WITHOUT asking about a parent ;)
*toasts with "I dont have any blood family left"*
Or “I never knew my Dad” - even less likely to get follow up questions
To be fair, people are very uncomfortable asking questions when dead relatives are brought up. But what people are wayyy too comfortable asking questions about is an estranged parent, mainly so that they can decide whether or not THEY think it's valid that you don't want to talk to YOUR parent, and if they would classify what your parents did as toxic
Defiantly that!
also I feel like people similar to the uncle would says shit like "but he's your family" not understanding OPs situation. However if you say someones dead what are they supposed to say? Get a ouja board to get in contact with them?
Person being dead leads to more acceptance that saying that OP choses to not be in contact even if it is completely understandable.
Yeah! I'm estranged with my uncle, and it's no stranger's business why. A couple of people know, but they're close enough to the situation that they can understand without judgement.
I think what makes it difficult is that you don't know why people are asking. Do they want to know in order to support you? Do they want juicy gossip? Do they judge you based on your family ties? Do they want to preach to you on forgiving those who hurt you, or back you up? At any rate, no one is entitled to your personal details, and you shouldn't have to spend your time and energy trying to explain something to someone who may not actually listen to you anyway.
I tend to avoid bringing up someone else's family unless they volunteer information first, knowing it's a touchy subject for a lot of people. I try not to judge people because of their upbringing, but they don't know that.
My father has repeatedly expressed his dislike that my partner and me went no contact with partner's parents. This wasn't a rash decision. We were in our late thirties, and it was a joint decision between my partner and one of his siblings. For context, there was no established relationship between my father and my in-laws. He met them at our wedding, and didn't keep in touch with them for the seventeen years before we went no contact. I doubt he would recognize them from a lineup.
My father has known since before our wedding that my mother-in-law is a terrible person who said and did unacceptable things to us. My father-in-law is the worst sort of enabler. But, I come from a strongly "family comes first" upbringing (as long as loyalty is given, and not expected in return), so he apparently expected us to knuckle under forever.
When I finally got my father to acknowledge that there are valid reasons to go no contact with family, he asked my partner if there was physical abuse when he was a child. Sigh. If my partner had wanted to disclose that information, he would have done so from the beginning, and cut through my father's protests much earlier.
In Finland most public saunas are separated by gender because swimwear isn’t usually allowed. But mixed saunas are also common and nobody thinks of it a “cheating”. Many Finns have seen their colleagues nude I promise you that😂
The cheating part is crazy to me. I understand that the partner might feel odd about OP being naked in a mixed context, if that is not their culture, but to call that cheating is really over the top.
$8 a month in child support is what OPs dad was paying while he was still rich. Calling him a dad is an insult to people who love their kids.
Hey, so, the sauna thing. I'm Swedish and the norm is to sauna naked and together no matter the gender, no matter the season - to such a degree that even when I lived at a super christian school where men and women had to be married to share a room or apartment, and they did have separate gendered saunas, the idea of not mixing and doing it together was absurd. I got kicked from the dorm for being naked IN MY OWN ROOM because someone saw me through my window but even the faculty would think it weird for people not to sauna together, no matter their genders. A bit of cultural context.
In Germany it's common to go to a mixed sauna fully naked. And believe it or not there's absolutely nothing sexual about it, not even the slightest. So I don't even understand the issue
In Sweden to. I agree, what's the problem being naked in a place you should be naked.
In the UK people would be horrified at the idea of that!
I'm also German. While I personally totally agree with you, I also know a lot of Germans who don't feel comfortable with mixed naked saunas and therefor don't use spas at all. But in fact they aren't worried about it being some kind of shady sexual experience. They rather want to avoid seeing naked people or being seen naked, as they feel it's something to be kept private.
It's different cultural viewpoints, like in the U.K. people talk about salary fairly openly (I've talked about it with friends & work colleagues) but I've heard it's rude to talk about finances in Germany even with close friends. That discomfort about finances is how we feel in the U.K. about nudity.
Hot springs culture is the same in the western USA. Nakedness doesn’t even register are sexual honestly. Sex is an action. It doesn’t have anything to do with your clothing or appearance.
I get it, but it absolutely will cause questions. I was estranged from my birth vessel for 9 years before she died and people almost always asked why when I tried and version of "we don't speak". Lying about that is fine.
Of course we don't have to answer, but it is a really shitty position to be in and you don't always want people knowing even part of the story.
I feel this way aswell. I've had plenty of people ask "why" when I say I don't speak to my father. But most people would be way to uncomfortable to ask about the death of a parent and would probably just answer with sympathy most of the time.
In my experience, a lot of people feel entitled to an explanation if you say "I don't talk to my dad." But people seem to be more understanding about not wanting to talk about a dead relative. So telling others the dad is dead invites fewer questions, and it's easier to get people to drop the subject
Last one: Uncle didn't do anything when dad paid 2/month child support? He has no say.
yeah I feel like saying "Dad is dead" instead of "Dad is dead to me" invites a lot less..... stranger input. Like MAYBE they'll ask how it happened, but that's a big jump, most people will just say "sorry for your loss" or "i'm so sorry" and move on. But when you say they're 'dead to you'... well there's a certain sort of people who hear that and are incapable of not giving their two cents without any background, or will want to know everything so they can prove to you you should always accept family (and sometimes just...nosey ass people who know that statement means drama). It's just the easier way to avoid a painful and unnecessary conversation 9 times out of 10, especially when you have a childhood like that OP's.
I think it depends on the reason why too - for example it could be triggering if someone started telling someone how sorry they were and tried to show positive feelings towards someone who might have been abusive
Last story: As someone who has used the "my mom is dead" excuse (I'm in the US), no. People won't judge you when they find out. Most reasonable adults understand that it's inappropriate to judge or pry into someone else's family drama, and that "my parent is dead" is also a common euphemism for "I don't speak to my parent."
However, every time I've said I'm "no contact" with my mom or that I don't speak to xyz family member, I get a barage of questions. It's basically considered an invitation to gossip.
However, if you're worried, I like to say "I don't have a mother." If people ask, I just insist that she doesn't exist and I was born without any parents, and they'll quickly get the message and change the subject.
I like a good “oof, we’ll, my dad’s family-it’s a whole thing” followed by a sigh, along with a frown and meaningful eyebrow raise. Anyone who asks further questions-and they almost never do, because it sets up this feeling of “she’s confided in me a little that it’s tough, can’t push it”,-I respond with “oh man, we do not have time to get into all of *that* right now”.
2:42 Story #1- allowance
15:24 Story #2- sauna
30:07 Story #3- alive dad
I assumed that ' bread winner ' came from when bread was a 'poor' food for people living in poverty and it was a commoner thing to have a provider instead of just being rich
EAT MY BREAD 💛
Bread is also a slang term for money and in a few languages (French in particular) you don't earn a living you win a living
In France, it still kind of is. We have bread on every tray in canteens, and it stuffs your belly while being yummy (French bread is a treat). It's part of our meals, it's a classic 4 o'clock snack for kids (bread and chocolate, yum) and an easy way to feel full when there's not much to eat at home.
“I feed my family the carbs” I’m so ready for this episode.
NOM 🥐
I feed my family to the carbs
@@fifteendozenalleyroses 😂😂😂
To be fair beer is also carbs so it also works for measuring inflation 🍺
In Germany we say a beer is two sandwiches
The words lord and lady are contractions from the Old English words for Loaf-ward/keeper and Loaf-dey/kneader, where dey is from the same root as dough and whence we get dairy (the place of the dey, which by Middle English expanded to encompass all of the food related responsibilities of the wife, such as making butter, cheeses, ale, and preserves that would last much longer than the products they were sourced from.
I love the Sauna talk here! Coming from a part of a country, where beeing naked at the lake or in the sauna is quite normal, I find it sooo fascinating, that people have some issues about it. Personal, I feel growing up around lots of different bodies, helped me to devolope a positive or neutral view of my own body. And I wished it would be more normalised. I mean, have you tried naked swimming? Its the Best! 💛
Finn here, public saunas are usually split by gender, and are mostly naked. With little kids (pre-puberty, small enough to not handle going to the pool alone), it's common for little boys to go with their moms to the women's side etc. There are some volunteer-operated places that are mixed, and especially ice-swimming places are fine with swimsuits inside. At houseparties and rented saunas, it all depends on how you set it up as a group, really. Most parties I've been to have had two split "shifts" for the Sauna, and then mixed for the rest of the night. So TL;DR, it's normal to be naked in the sauna, but mixed or not depends on the situation, and in places like pools and gyms, it's separated.
Also Finn, seconding all the above
Are kids allowed inside the actual saunas? Here in UK I've not seen any saunas that allow anyone under 12 - I was told it was because little kids might get unwell if they use it but I know saunas are a big thing in Finnish culture so wondered if it was different there!
@@Sophie_Cleverly yep they are! Anyone under 12 is highly likely to be with a parent(s) who can make sure the kid is fine, but also many kids here grow up going to the sauna from toddler age, so they are familiar with it and are probably also better at gauging when they need to go out to cool down (can't really say this for sure but I feel like it'd make sense that we learn to read our own reactions to the heat? I dunno)
@@Sophie_Cleverly In ye olden days in rural areas (which was most of Finland) kids were typically born in a mildly warmed sauna (because easy access to hot water and it generally was the cleanest place available). My mother and all her siblings were born in saunas, AFAIK, in the 1930s and 40s.
Today everyone I know takes their toddlers to sauna, though not for very long and not up to the hottest bench, and everyone drinking some water both before and after is important.
Infants should not be taken into a hot sauna because they cannot regulate their body temperature very well yet. But washing a baby in a basin on the sauna floor works just fine.
Hi, a fellow Finn here - I second all of the above. Also was just in a sauna with my sister and her 9 month old child. The child was in water the whole time and only for a short while. And personally I like going to the sauna with mites and naked. Wearing a bikini in a sauna makes me fell less self confident and weird.
My heart breaks for the kid in the last one. That's such a sad situation to be in. No one should tell you to have a good relationship with someone who isn't putting any effort in
Facts. Even when you know the person who is estranged we would all do well to keep in mind that someone can act completely different to others behind closed doors.
Reminds me of abusive relationships when people fail to be supportive; they try to litigate and judge for themselves whether the victim is justified. Especially happens when someone knows the abuser as a friend or coworker, etc. they don't want to believe what they're capable of, and would prefer to victim -blame.
Nothing more heartbreaking than a kid with 0 supportive family members. Sending love for that op's peace and happiness. However they feel like explaining their family relationships.
Shaaba on the "my dad is dead" comment, I speak from experience when I say that saying my dad is dead is leagues easier, because nobody with an ounce of compassion will follow that up with a million questions and a lecture, on how you the victim should disregard your victimization in favor of empowering your abuser to keep abusing you for the look of the thing to society at large. "My dad is dead TO ME" invites those questions about why and how and what happened. Now the victim has to re-live their trauma events for someone's idle curiosity, thereby re-traumatizing themselves and setting their healing journey back, before ultimately having their experience entirely disregarded (because society is pathological on family being more important than life and sanity even if they actively tried to kill you).
Speaking as someone who has been to nude mixed saunas quite a few times, I can honestly say that it doesn't matter at all once you're in there. I was admittedly a bit nervous before I went for the first time, but it was really just like sitting next to people in a waiting room: no-one stared, or even looked each other in the eye much, and it really was quite comfortable. I still wouldn't want to go with colleagues, but otherwise it's not at all as intense as the boyfriend seems to imagine.
I will say, as someone who is completely estranged from one of their parents, I totally get them saying their dad is dead.
While I wouldn't do it myself, and I while I totally disagree that this should be the case - it's like Jamie said, if you say you're estranged from a parent there's often an unspoken assumption that it reflects badly on you as the child for some reason.
If you tell people you've lost someone close to you, they often have a sympathetic response.
Also: if you tell someone you're estranged from a parent, whether they choose to ask follow up questions it feels like you've already disclosed that you went through some form of abuse or serious mistreatment from that parent. Cos i feel most people have an inkling of why estrangement occurs. And personally I really don't want to tell people about, or even slightly imply, the horrible shit I've been through in the past.
I think Shaaba's point about it causing other issues down the line if people think you're a liar or something is really sensible, but I have so much empathy for just not wanting people to get near such a painful topic for you.
As someone who is fully no contact with either parent, I despise the whole "family is more important, no matter what" because that implies that family can do literally anything and it be ok because they happen to be related. If someone related to you does something bad to you, you have no more obligation to forgive them than you would a stranger.
This! If it was a partner people have no hesitation to automatically say dump/divorce them - why do we need to put up with things just because a person is related when people would not stand for it if a person wasn't related
For the first one, my mom is a disabled veteran (former military) and gets a pension every month, but it's much less than half of what my dad makes every month, so if they only bought things out of their own income, even if my dad paid for all the necessities by himself, my mom would still have less spending money than he has. So, to make up the difference and to cover the grocery shopping (which my mom usually does), he transfers a set amount, an "allowance," into her account every month. If big expenses come up, my parents reallocate money as needed, but otherwise it just gives my mom the assurance that she can spend as much as she wants to out of her account without worrying about interfering with things my dad wants or things for the household. My parents communicate pretty well, and my mom is conscientious about money, so as far I know, they've never had a problem with it.
(Edit) Also, my dad only transfers a certain amount into his own checking account, and then the rest goes in savings, so he essentially gives himself an allowance too! It's just a tool to manage spending.
This couple is clearly not seeing the allowance situation in the same way. The wife clearly spends more than her husband and expects him to fund her lifestyle
That makes sense and is also a healthy way to make sure both people feel ‘good’ when spending money when income is very unequal, keeping in mind that the person who makes less money may also be contributing significantly to the marriage in non-monetary ways.
I understand why Shaaba and Jamie feel uneasy about the word allowance, but I also know that for myself I would prefer to have a clear amount to spend when it comes to personal things especially.
European here with Sauna experience (Austria). it's obligatory to be naked, but you can wrap yourself in a towel, but thats not very common and people might look at you weird if you ARE covered up. Saunas (at the public swimming pools for example) offer binary gendered days, and mixed days. so e.g. wednesday is women only, friday men only, the rest of the week mixed. i never once was in a gendered sauna. i grew up with my parents being big sauna goers so i grew up being a child around naked people. it was just normal. also nudist beaches are big here and in Germany (FKK Frei Körper Kulture - translates to "free body culture").. NOTHING beats swimming nude. it's ridiculous cause a bathing suit or bikini is so little fabric, but it's a HUGE difference.
As a Finn, the sauna one almost gave me a headache. In my culture, nudity in a sauna is way different from a sexual context. Of course, sometimes those contexts can overlap, such as when a couple goes to sauna togerher and gets frisky. But a mixed sauna with your colleagues is no place for sexual stuff.
One of the worst kinds of pranking videos are those guys who pretend to be blind
hard agree on this 🥸
oh wow, who does that?? that's so messed up
As someone who is disabled and often asked invasive questions I lie to people all the time who I don’t know, I do think it’s a little bit different if it was a partner so it would depend.
Time stamps:
2:42 AITA for refusing to buy my wife a dress she can afford?
11:21 reading comments on the 1st story
15:24 AITA for going to a sauna in mixed company?
26:23 reading comments on story 2
30:08 AITA for saying my dad is dead even though he’s alive?
38:12 reading comments on story 3
Regarding whether being nude with people is cheating or not, this touches on a really frustrating thing I notice in relationships. People often rely on a shared cultural understanding of what is exclusive to the relationship and what isn't. It's fine for most things and easier, so I get why it's the norm, but sometimes these differences really need to be discussed. Some more traditional cultures consider wearing revealing clothing to be something you should only do when alone with your partner, and we have other people who don't consider even sex to be exclusive. And for an example that people do discuss more commonly, is watching porn cheating on your partner? Well, if you personally put certain things in the exclusive box, then yes, it can be. But if your partner doesn't put those same things in, then they won't think to hold off unless you tell them.
And if these lines don't perfectly line up, like in the sauna story, that's an incompatibility that either has to be discussed and compromised on, or means the relationship should be ended.
Just to add after seeing more of their discussion. Cheating fundamentally means breaking the rules of the relationship. In other words, doing something you're only supposed to do with your partner with other people instead. Being nude around other people in a non-sexual way can definitely be considered cheating to some, it just depends on what box you include it in.
I agree with the one about an allowance, but just to give a different perspective on how an allowance can be used: my spouse and I each have an allowance so we have some fun money to use each month without overspending. But we each have the same dollar amount from our shared finances, and it is a budgeting tool we're flexible with. Necessities don't come from it. Their situation seems very different and to raise many red flags on both sides imo
I think that's more like budgeting fun money for you both. One of you didn't "allow" the other to spend a certain amount.
I used to be a cleaner at the biggest media company in Finland, basically the Finnish equivalent of the BBC. Part of my job was to clean the saunas. The two main ones were gendered but nude, connected to the shower rooms. So not mixed, but the people were naked with their colleagues there all the time. The third sauna was a VIP one and that one wasn't gendered, but I'm not sure if they ever had mixed groups there.
There's also saunas in the Finnish Parliament house for all the ministers and other MPs. They're gendered, but I'm pretty sure nudity is a rule in those ones too. So even the prime ministers get often naked amongst their colleagues. It's a good way to remind people that regardless of their position in the society they're all just humans.
Most pranks I see online, I would consider red flags. The way I prank is like... Putting googley eyes on things (hubby loves that and had such a fun scavenger hunt for all the eyes I put around) or hide a friend's phone when they aren't looking (I don't let them get upset or frustrated before I just tell them where it is).
The uncle in the last story is absolutely unbelievable. My parents are divorced (I don't speak to or about my "father" bc he's not a good guy to say the least) and if someone had told me "no matter what, family's more important" I would have had some choice words for them. The uncle totally needs to GET IN THE BIN!
17:58 Here in The Netherlands the standard for saunas is both mixed and naked! There are underwear / bikini days though, but any sexual acts are not allowed.
About the sauna culture : I'm half French, half German, and both side of my families like saunas. In France I've never seen a mixed sauna, nor a nude one - nudes there exists but are usually focused on some sort of homosexual dating, and I've never tried it. In Germany (my father's family is from the north end, just at the Denmark border), it's usually mixed and nude, forbidden to wear a swimsuit for hygienic reasons. Strangely, i've always felt more safe in the naked one, as the culture makes the naked bodies totally normal, and it helped me getting comfortable with my own body. I don't really care about it, even though I'm transitioning. It's the vibe "it's just a functioning body, nothing else" and it's reassuring. Kuddos to my German side! ♥
Gym saunas where I live tend to be nude as well. Like, a nude sauna isn't a thing, it's just a sauna. I think it's perfectly okay to be uncomfortable about your partner going to one of those events, like we can't control how others feel, but it still strikes me as strange. A sauna isn't a sexual place, just like how a changing room isn't. Calling it akin to cheating feels super strange to me though, and makes me wonder how he'd behave in such places.
Shabaa and Jamie's reaction to a naked sauna is _so very_ British. I go to the sauna/onsen with my colleagues all the time (I live in Japan) and it's perfectly normal...
The idea of entering a sauna clothed, though, allowing the sweat to soak into the fabric and have the fabric of a bathing suit cut off circulation... it makes me shudder. Saunas are meant for health, relaxation and freedom (and that means being in the buff). That doesn't mean you're dancing around naked. You can still wear a towel around your body if you're really uncomfortable, but for the love of Pete don't wear clothes!!! Also, this idea that people look at other people's bodies in the sauna is so strange to me... it's not a focus at all in places like this. Hard to explain, but everyone I've introduced to nude saunas/onsens/bathing has appreciated it after understanding (but it's hard to explain).
I've heard a rhyme for pranks; bemuse, don't abuse.
Completely agree with you both, on the last one, that OP is not the drama. However one point that I haven't seen people bring up as much is the solidarity that can come from people who are also grieving their loved ones. I lost my dad a little under a year ago and it always means so much to me when I hear someone speak about their parents who have passed. It makes me feel safe that I can express my feelings without having to hide my sadness. So I feel like if I learned that someone was saying their "dad was dead" when they meant that they're "dead to me," I would feel a little betrayed in my vulnerability that I would share in response. Though I can emphasize their situation
COMPLETELY agree. As someone who's dad IS dead, I would say not the drama vis a vis OP's dad, however if someone told me their dad was dead and it turned out he wasn't I would be a upset, because losing a parent is such a specific experience and I often connect quite deeply with people who share it, but it's a heavy thing, so I would feel like this person kind of messed with my feelings. Like you said, someone sharing that makes me feel safe, like I can bring up my experience more easily, and so it would be a bit of a betrayal
It's tricky because I feel like the poster in that story also grieves for the parental figure they lost/don't have. I wonder if you'd feel betrayed in a situation where the person's parent had died, but they were glad because they were awful?
@@Solsiva it's different because as long as someone is still alive, there is always potential for things to change. Once they die, that potential is over. That's why they're completely different experiences, and I'd feel deceived if someone told me we had this experience in common, when we don't. However, I would never judge someone for the way they grieve, so no of course I wouldn't feel betrayed by them being relieved that their parent died, there would be no deception in that scenario since they didn't lie about their father being dead
@@anazingemma392 Ok, I think I understand. Maybe when my parents pass on I'll feel differently, but I think to me it'd be a bit much for me to say it's betrayal/deception. That feels very much like putting motive and intention on the other person who is just trying to either illustrate how strongly they feel or to stop further questions.
@@Solsiva yeah I understand that, I guess you don't really need to intend it for someone to feel like you played with their feelings a little. It's a sensitive topic, I think it's important to be aware that other people will feel affected by it. Also in my experience saying you have a dead parent does not stop a situation from being uncomfortable, quite the opposite
As someone who got into terrible lying spirals as a teen, I'd probably say "I've got a single mum" or "I don't have a dad" instead 😊
In most of the US, nude saunas or hot tubs implies sex. This is so ingrained that most Americans would have a hard time not thinking that. As an analogy, a sandwich implies bread. Like, even in SP circles. It would be a safe assumption that if a new sweetheart said on the phone that they were getting in the sauna, then you aren’t exclusive and that is them telling you. Cultural differences are tricky.
You said you don’t like pranks where it seems like a waste but what is your opinion on this prank.
Currently, I am at University studying to become a vet and I keep buying packets of tiny rubber ducks and hiding them all around my vet school. I started with little yellow ducks, then coloured ducks, currently I am on coloured ducks with sunglasses.
They are everywhere and I mean everywhere. They keep getting stolen or moved, but everywhere you go there are ducks somewhere.
But there are a number of members of staff who know it is me and when they have found out it is me they have all said please continue to do it, it brings everyone such great joy.
One member of staff told me the day I came back from holiday and started putting ducks up again, She had been having a really bad day and then she saw the ducks had returned and it made her entire week.
Another member of staff told me that before she knew it was me there were many in-depth discussions theorising who it could be, and that staff are having fun finding and moving them including to student restricted areas.
Another told me there were discussions on moving them/putting stop to it, and as a result numerous angry emails were sent defending the ducks, saying they greatly improve mental health and not to be rid of them (don’t worry they were only temporarily moved when the accreditation people came to visit, and they were only mildly worried about copycats and ending up with thousands of tiny animals around the vet school)
Half of the office staff have ducks lined on top of their computer monitors and many others have them in their office windows
So in some aspect, yes, it is a waste of time, money and ducks, but on the other hand it is spreading untold amounts of joy amongst both students and staff
How fun that you are doing that!! I think it’s a fun thing. If people don’t like it, they can just leave the ducks alone.
Using resources to spread fun and joy is, by definition, NOT a waste! This made me smile reading it, thank you 💚🦆
About the dad if people ask you about it just say "It's complicated" this is an almost universal phrase for "don't ask about it, I don't want to talk about it".
2 stories here connect to my wife. My wife has CPTSD. A dentist saw that on her file and actually asked "What trauma did you have?". My wife respectfully said that she didn't see how that had anything to do with filling a cavity. My wife also took part in a tastful artistic nude photography session. When she asked if I had a problem with her photos being on display in a gallery, I laughed and said that it's her body and she can do what she wants with it. Coincidentally the same week my sister participated in a faux nude photoshoot to promote veganism "Eat pussy not Animals"
"essentially what theyre doing is picking up a grain of sand to complain about something youve done, on the whole beach of crap that theyve done to you"
Ugh, chef's kiss, Jamie 👌
As someome with a near-nothing relationship with my dad, 1. I still wouldnt tell ppl he's literally dead when he isnt, but 2. I can understand being so distant/hurt by someone that they are 'dead to you'.
But there is a BIG different between someone being dead to you, and them actually being dead...
Thanks for another great podcast guys! Had me talking and rambling to myself once again 😂❤
7:34 I want to know what is included in “her shopping“. OP listed the things he pays for but didn‘t say if his wife pays for any essentials. Based on the infos we have, it sounds like the wife is taking advantage of OP but I‘m suspicious because it sounds like OP left out some information. If, for example, the wife is responsible for shopping groceries and household items, that would change the story a LOT.
For some reason my alarm bells are going off on this OP. The relationship dynamic he‘s describing is abusive with him very clearly being the victim. But if the wife really was paying for groceries, this could mean that even with the allowance, she’d end up spending more money on essentials than him and she‘d be left with very little (if any) money for personal expenses. I can see a situation in which she hasn‘t been able to afford any personal purchases for a while and now she has this family event coming up and doesn‘t have a dress for it. So she asked OP to give her more money so she can afford it and he agreed but it‘s not enough and so she asked him if he can buy it for her.
I know I‘m constructing my own narrative here and it could all be completely false but I‘m just hesitant to call the wife an AH because I‘m so suspicious of how this post is written. I think the reasons I don’t trust OP are:
- no mention of groceries (are they included in bills or not?)
- no mention of why his wife earns less (is she just in a lower earning career or does she perhaps work less hours than him while also doing the majority of the household chores?)
- he never explicitly says that she spends a lot of money on unnecessary expenses or that she is financially irresponsible
- She has no savings -> some people are genuinely this financially irresponsible but it could also be a sign that she simply has no money left over to put into savings.
- when it comes to financial abuse, it‘s certainly possible that the partner with a lower income is abusing the partner with a higher income but it just raises an eyebrow for me because it‘s usually the other way around
- And lastly, it‘s common for abusers to paint their victims as abusive and themselves as the victim, especially when called out.
To me this post reeks of “I didn‘t lie, I just didn’t say everything.“ Makes me wonder if perhaps HE is the one financially abusing his wife and after she called him out on it, he is making this post in order to get everyone saying she‘s taking advantage of him so he can turn around and go: “See? Everyone‘s agreeing with me, they‘re calling you a gold digger. Stop complaining and be grateful!“
I feel the distinction would be "her shopping" vs "THE shopping" (or "our shopping".
The latter would be used if she were responsible for doing all shopping for the household, as it would include things the husband needs/uses as well. Making it not exclusively "hers".
But also, she has her own salary. The spending money her husband gives her is on top of that.
It sounds like she's just bad with money regardless.
In sweden we wear a towel to the sauna if we like to, but most people just use it to sit on. But mostly they are gendered, at least they were when I was a kid and when I went to school. we had saunas after swimming and bathing suits or whatever are considered unhygienic in that situation.
And yeah, being in a nude sauna with your collegues is not that weird over here. Finland is the big sauna country but swedes have them too.
Oh my gosh yes. Naked in front of people you’re professional with is soooo much weirder to me than naked with utter strangers. That feels like it’s really crossed the professional line 😂 they say to be careful going out drinking with people you work with… I guess this is next level
33:40 this story reminds me of how my ex's parents treated him as a child. his parents hate each other, and when he was a kid, they would use him as a middle man so they could communicate without having to see each other. they would basically have arguments through him and he was stuck in the middle.
I watched a prank video where someone put a sticker on the ceiling that said "gullible." Another one by the same person, he gave random people money, and said things like "thanks for helping me when I had my vasectomy" basically trying to get them to laugh.
Those are both really wholesome pranks. No one gets hurt and it doesn't just feel like bullying
@@bboops23 Exactly! I LOVE watching those sorts of wholesome pranks! He has a ton of them where no one gets hurt, though some of them annoy people and a couple have caused momentary fear. I just like the wholesome ones, though.
@@ambriasaunders1869 my favorite prank I ever pulled was getting my husband downstairs to help me move the recycling and then he saw the empty garage and the prank was that I already moved it
About the sauna story. I'm from North Italy and mixed naked saunas are very common here. Nevertheless I would never ever go with my coworkers 😂😮😅
I just love listening to Shaaba and Jamie discuss anything, they could talk about which type of bin bag they need to buy next time they go grocery shopping and I would happily listen.
7 minutes and nearly 200 views, shaaba be popping off.
peaches UNITE 🍑✨
I am estranged from my dad and while I don't tell people he's dead, I recently realized that I speak about him in past tense.
36:02 the thing is I feel like people are less likely to ask about the details of death, but there are people who have never had beef in their family or experienced trauma at the hands of their family who just can’t understand not talking to family. So they might ask more questions and/or push for a reunion and things to be fixed.
Something I have figured out growing up, was if I use the verbiage of biological father. Instead of dad or father. People seem to (usually) ask less questions
Had a stressful day and was so glad to see this video pop up ❤❤
Pranks are a red flag for me, they're so often mean-spirited and go on for far too long.
1:00 I've always heard it as confuse, not abuse but traumatize works too
The situation in the third post is definitely a tough one. Not whether they’re the “asshole” as it were, but just acknowledging that trying to find the words and trying to deal with the aftermath is difficult.
I remember the one time something I said about my estranged parent “got back” to him. I was trying to work a summer job I had during college when my dad started texting me, berating me about how horrible a person I was and was lying about how bad he was to my sister and me.
The culprit? A cute social media post I shared online about being comfortable with having siblings from other parents, and me saying I’m glad my siblings are better off than I was (he was abusive to my sister and me but has toned himself down considerably since having my step and half siblings in his life). I entirely phrased it just to say the siblings were doing good and I’m happy for them, and that was my intention, but he took it as an attack at his character.
After several really long texts (and me trying to clean a hallway while reading and sobbing) he started going off about how it was our faults that he wasn’t involved with our lives shortly after the divorce because we closed him out. I finally told him that it wasn’t after the divorce that was the problem, but all the years before it. I also kindly told him that if he was interested in being a part of my life at all during that time period, he would have known my best friend died in a car wreck that summer. I was at his house when I got the news even, yet he failed to put the dots together and decided I was just being spiteful.
It’s been about a decade since that interaction, and I only think about it occasionally, recognizing what I thought was a genuine (albeit an extremely reactive) misunderstanding was more likely a severe case of gaslighting. I’m not afraid to talk about the things he did, or likewise to choose not to disclose it depending on the situation (I’ll just sum it up to “he was a dick” and move on) but that comes with a decade of learning and healing. I hope the OP of the third post has that opportunity to heal and find a way to control the conversation when it surrounds their dad, in a way that they’re comfortable with, whatever that may be.
hi just fiy there is a reason for not allowing clothing in a sauna: it is more hygienic that way. Towels (cotton0 are okay, but swimsuits, etc. are really bad choice for the sauna and breeding grounds for bacteria, especially in the warm humid environment of saunas.
Instead of claiming the dad is dead, it may be better to say dad is a sperm donor. 35:30
“Pranks are ment to confuse not abuse” Love that you guys are both doing this❤️
Also, might be the bright colorful set as much as you guys, but my lil squish is sat in my lap just watching fascinated while I'm waiting for him to burp. Very cute. 😊
The first story reminded me that I had money I needed to transfer! Thank you! 😂
My wife and I have a similar situation to you guys: joint bank account and always communicating about spending money. These conversations are usually just breaking down what bills are coming out before the next paycheck to be sure we have enough money for those bills even after whatever extra expense we want (gotta love living near-paycheck-to-paycheck 🙃). I do think there are things we could add/adjust to that arrangement (something like a set amount that we each get to spend on extra stuff), but what we have now does work for our purposes
My mom has been stay at home since I was born (and after I turned 18 is still), so my Dad does give her an allowance for non-bill spending. They have had to renegotiate it when she's ordered a fair amount from Amazon for a little while, but it's always been a thoughtful conversation and the allowance allowed my mom some feeling of financial freedom while not having an income. I think it's not uncommon for one partner to support the bills in a household if someone is in a particularly low-paying field/unpaid or if they're in school, but giving an allowance when they have a salary and you're already paying all the bills is strange to me.
Yes that is what is strange to me, as the wife has an income and seems not to use any of it for common expenses. Even if she has a lower salary, all of it is for her personal spending and OP is covering all common expenses, which seems fair enough if one person makes a lot less.
17:49 I'm Finnish and I've never been in a mixed sauna.
They're (most of the time) a clothing free zone.
just as i finished the last episode perfect timing is a green flag 🥰🫶
To be fair, the Anglo Saxon words for lord and lady were basically 'loaf guardian' and 'loaf maker', so I think bread has been an important way of talking about families or communities for a long time
For the first one, maybe they had some kind of "sugar daddy" agreement at the start of the relationship, especially in her eyes. Maybe he did promise her he'd buy her everything she wanted and now he's surprised she is holding onto that even through hardships. I don't think it's right, at all, I am just saying there are people out there that enter relationships mainly on financial grounds. I am not saying it is so here, because OP hadn't stated that, but sometimes people (mainly men I'd say) have low self asteem and uses money to buy themselves love/companionship and they find "high maintentance" partners that uses them as a piggy bank.
It would be interesting to know if this has been an upcreeping thing or if he DID make promises at the start of the realtionship.
I was thinking about this kind of dynamic too and were a bit surprised no-one else has mentioned it. There has been some articles about "provider relationships", where a man makes money and a woman looks pretty, are some kind of a social media trend and this reminded me of those. But aren't unattractive well-off men and their young, beautiful partners, who don't do anything, kind of a cliche?
@@soundlessbee yes, but cliches tend to be true. Im just surprised that the man seems so oblivious. If this was the arrangement, Maybe is naive and think that after a few years she will grow to love him regardless of him keeping his "promises" or not.
@@koalaskrypin Exactly. That's why I was so surprised no-one mentioned it. Perhaps they haven't communicated very well and they have different understandings of the type of the relationship. I could imagine someone telling their spouse they would take care of them and give them everything they wanted, without thinking their partner would expect them to go bankrupt over the "promise".
Shaaba you are so right re saying their dad is dead, it will just cause more trouble than it’s worth and lead to more questions / explaining anyway
Perfect timing on the sauna story. I commented on your tour announcement and there was some disagreement on whether it was appropriate to refer to "Europe" as being separate from the UK. I think you explained it very well.
Europe and the European Union is not the same thing. If the UK is not in Europe (geography) then where is it?
@@s.a.4358 The UK is part of Europe geographically. Culturally they are sometimes considered separate. I believe this was explained in the video as well.
@@alex_blue5802 yes I am well aware of Europe and the UK (including that they feel different), but my question remains, if the UK is not part of Europe, what is it then part of?
@@s.a.4358 it is part of the continent of Europe, but some people will still talk about it separately. It is like the distinction between humans and animals. Technically humans are animals, but in this context clearly we are contrasting humans and non-human animals. Humans have a sort of special significance that makes this comparison feel logical.
@@alex_blue5802 what I said from the beginning, it is part of (the continent) of Europe.
Only in the UK will people talk about Europe like something they are not part of, however that doesn’t change the fact and says more about the mindset in the UK. Saying this as someone who has lived for many years in the UK, as well as in severe other European countries.
As someone who has had a complicated relationship with her father since she was 15, I can say that even though we don't speak (albeit for far less dramatic reasons than OP's situation), I don't tell people that he is dead. Whenever someone asks about him I just say "He's no longer in my life and I don't want to talk about it." Usually the "I don't want to talk about it" part prompts them to drop the subject and just accept my answer, but sometimes they will pry. I don't particularly like when they pry as to why I don't speak to him because it wasn't necessarily 1 large incident, but rather several small ones over the course of almost 15 years that caused me to cut contact for my own mental wellbeing and to go through the long list takes far too long, but condensing the list makes me sound like an A-hole for cutting him out of my life. If people continue to pry even after I say I don't want to talk about it, I cut them out of my life too. I will tell you what I want to and when I want to. If I'm comfortable with you, I will probably open up and tell you or I might not. If you can't respect my decisions, I don't have to deal with you. There's always those people who think that you have to put in the effort to have a relationship with a family member (especially a parent) that they ignore that the effort needs to be a 2 way street and/or having a relationship with them can be dangerous. Point is, OP is likely to get questions regardless of whether they tell people that he is dead or just dead to them. If you value having a particular person in your life, just be honest with them and tell them he is dead to you because lying to them will only cause further problems. You don't have to share everything with them and if they want to be in your life, they shouldn't pry. I get the dad being upset, but at the same time my reaction is also "really? what did you think was going to happen when you couldn't be bothered to be in your child's life and caused them so much pain and trauma?"
Saunas in the US are mostly found in gyms and because of that apparently it's common to go in them fully clothed, which is wild to me. I've only ever been there in a swimsuit. But like I'm American born and it still confuses me that saunas aren't supposed to be like...minimal clothes. To me it makes more sense to be naked or with just like a damp towel. I think it's weird to do it fully clothed but apparently that's the norm here 😅
I’m from a culture where sauna is always naked (in fact people are often not allowed to wear clothes so everyone is equally naked) and while travelling in the USA I was told off for going into a sauna naked even though it was a one-person sauna cabin. I was really confused especially because it was not a shared sauna, but the people from the youth hostel thought I was being indecent
@@s.a.4358 Oof, I'm sorry that happened to you. Especially since it's a single person unit, why should anyone care how you do it?
The husband and wife story - in my relationship, me and my partner live together and have done for a number of years. I always wanted the bills and expenses that are for joint living to be 50/50, but recently, there has been a shift, and my partner is now making much more money than me. I still stuck to the 50/50 until my partner did some calculations and worked out the 80% of my salary went on bills etc, whereas his was only 60%, we then agreed to change it, so now its 70% for both of us, which has taken alot of pressure off me. My point is that sometimes being equal in a relationship does not mean being 50/50 on everything.
I dare to say thta with the saunas it really depends. For example I think nude saunas should exclude children and now hear me out, I have a reason for this. When I was maybe 11, my mom dragged me into a sauna. It was the kind thats either towels or nothing. Now I was already uncomfotable as hell, wearing just a towel when a nude man walked into the sauna we were at and after a bit he started wanking off, while looking at us.. like.. dude.. my mom shooed us away from there but the damage has been done already.. I have hated saunas already before that day but this has just made me even more uncomfortable in them..
What also didn't help was the fact that myom didn't even idk... tell the guy (or the staff) something? So she basically enabled him and God knows how many children have experienced him..
Preach that family is NOT the end all be all. That is literally how you perpetuate abuse with the mindset that regardless what this individual does to you, you HAVE to be around them
Pranks are a green flag because they show that someone isn't too serious and can enjoy a little whimsy. Of course, that only applies to pranks that are clever, good-natured, and environmentally friendly.
Mean pranks are reserved for awful people who get joy from lording themselves over you and making others miserable. i.e. Jim pranking Dwight is entirely justified because Dwight can be insufferable.
I'm from Germany and it is very common for saunas to be mixed and nude. That's more the standard. I think in east Germany more than in the west. However I was born 15 years after the reunification so take my commentary of cultural differences between east and west germany with a grain of salt. In east Germany it's even very common to go to nude beaches. I've heard of a lot of people that they didn't own a bathing suit until after the reunification. Even at non nude beaches, toddlers (up to 5 I'd say) are usually naked. The only reason why I haven't been to a nude beach is that I hate the feeling of sunscreen and having to put sunscreen on my entire body sounds like actual torture.
Re: the last story - I've been living in a very similar situation. Parents divorced when I was younger, abusive father died while we were estranged, but as of now I still have an older sibling I'm also estranged from (who was also abusive to my mom/me). I don't talk about my sibling and I tell everyone (including friends) that I'm an only child. While this may not necessarily be the right thing to do, it was necessary for me to feel safe and establish emotional distance from them, as well as avoid having to relive certain traumatic memories if I ever had to explain things to people. I've considered telling one friend, but to be honest I don't feel like being judged for decisions I made for my own well being. Like Shaaba says, it's my information and if I don't feel like sharing it's nothing personal, I've just worked hard to protect my peace and I want to keep it that way.
The allowance story sounds so weird to me, mainly b.c I wonder what the wife is doing with all the money. She works, gets an allowance on top of her salary, *only* uses this money for herself (since OP said they cover household expenses, bills, and eating out), then instead of using the money she already has, asked for more money to buy it, *then* turned around and asked OP to buy it for her anyway?! What is she doing? Is she gambling? Is she cheating and spending the money on her lover?
And the "you know which promises you're not keeping" sounds like a deflection b.c she can't think of an example and wants them to feel guilty so they dont question her.
I wonder the same thing
I really disagree with the “you should’ve discussed the nude sauna” argument. When I go to the gym and shower there/go in the sauna, I’m naked around other women. By that logic, I should discuss that with my BF because I’m bi and I’m naked around the gender I’m also attracted to? Being naked is absolutely not inherently sexual, so I feel like the only time I’d discuss my being nude around other people should be when there’s a situation that explicitly impacts an element of our relationship as well (i.e. ‘exotic’ events, going to a sauna with a group of people that my ex is also part of, etc.).
Obviously you can share your plans with your partner (I’m going to the sauna this weekend, yay!), but an actual discussion would be out of order for me.
Shaaba calling cat's persons xD
I think this is my favourite episode so far! All the nuanced discussions, I love it
The "my dad is dead" one is literally the plot of a k-drama i saw a while ago lol
I feel like on top of this being giod content this seems like a really good opportunity for you guys to open up talking points about your own relationship that may not have necessarily come up in regular conversation
There's prank videos I've seen where this man is blind and his husband plays pranks on him that work because he's blind, but he enjoys it.
I LOVE Matthew and Paul. Their pranks are so wholesome and they both laugh so much. Definitely an example of green flag pranks! 😆💜
Maple makes my life 🦮 I have an Assistance Dog too and I love seeing Maple’s personality shine and their videos because they remind people that even the bestest good doggo’s have their own quirks, personality and cheekiness.
My pup knows how to open and shut all the doors in my house and can also turn lights on/off. When I leave her home alone instead of taking her with me (rarely like when I’m having a long scan done or am going somewhere where I don’t need her because I have a human to help out) she rebels by opening closed doors and shutting open ones while she moves around the house as she wishes and she turns random lights on/off.
The first time she did that I fully freaked out that some stranger was robbing my house, except my pup was happily wagging her tail at the door when I walked in… now I’m just used to coming home to find the house pitch black or lit up like a Christmas tree with all the lamps on and random doors that have changed position, I have to warn anyone that stays that they’re liking going to get a surprise visit in the middle of the night if the door isn’t locked and tell them my house is only haunted by a cute pup - no scary ghosts 😅😂
I have to softly disagree with Jamie saying that you can’t have any say over what your partner does with their body. You can set boundaries in relationships, and those boundaries can extend to who sees your body. But you are also entitled to end the relationship if you cannot compromise and find boundaries that are acceptable for both parties. Different people are going to be comfortable with different levels of others seeing their partner’s bodies, and I think that’s ok. As long as a mutual agreement can be established, then that’s what is important.
“I have a hard boundary when it comes to others seeing my partner’s body” and “I do not grant anyone control over my body” are both valid beliefs to hold. However, if a compromise cannot be found, then the relationship might be incompatible.
So growing up when people asked if i had any siblings i would always say no.
My sister is 11 years older then me and when i was a kid she was an angry teen living with our dad (our parents split) and she hated me more then anything in the world (her worlds lol) so i never saw her, and to me she just didn't really exist as a sister.. when i turned 10 she got a boyfriend who loved our family and me, he treated me like a little sister, and she started to do so too, i would spend my weekend at their apartment, we bought a bunch of candy and stayed up late watching movies in bed, it was lovely, some of my best memories.
She knows i said i was an only child, so did she in fact, we have no grudges or anger, thats just how we felt at the time.
If you want to say your dad is dead, go ahead, he has no right to be mad.. Also it is probably her only way to really lash out on him when she had no contact, so NO ASSHOLE HERE.
First i want to say i REALLY enjoy your videos, and the 1800 drama series, i love how you can see different sides and through telling the other person they can mostly see it too then. That's really awesome. It makes my heart smile 🥰
Now, in Graz, Austria we have seperate nude pools and beaches (which are right next to the clothed ones)
as far as i know, for saunas it's your own choice if you're naked or not, so clothed and naked, male and female all mixed together. It's called FKK (Frei Körper Kultur = Free Body Culture) it's a little less talked about now than in the 90's, which i think is because we have a lot more people with a big variaty of coultures and belief systems now but it's still around and quite popular.
I also wanted to say, the fact that official fathers can only pay 8$ a month is mind boggling to me, here if you're on the birth certificate as the father, even if you don't have contact and know basically nothing about his life right now, you're getting the money from the state and he has to pay it back, if he doesn't, he'll go to jail.
There are saunas and hot tubs in certain countries where clothing/bathing suits are straight up not allowed, like Scandinavian countries I think
26:13 it sounds kinda like Shaaba said "paw-mission" and I thought that was very cute and sounds like a little cat trying to go on a field trip with school
SUPERIORRRRR video i love you both!!!
A point in defense of the allowance thing:
To preface, I am not good with money and have a tendency to spend it if I have it. My husband is very frugal and takes great care of our finances.
So my husband and I both work and both of our wages go into our joint bank account. That account is used for bills, necessities, and mutual expenses like date night. A couple years ago money was tight and I got a weekly allowance in cash as play money that I could use to buy whatever I wanted and it was actually nice to have that money and be able to blow it on nonsense and not feel bad because I knew the important things were still covered.
People always raised their eyebrows when I used the word "allowance" but I actually preferred it that way. Now that money isn't tight anymore we do not need that arrangement and I have matured significantly so I can be responsible (mostly lol) with our money. 😅
On the "my dad's dead" thing, I have a "dead to me" relative and I say "she's gone" when people ask me about that family member. Most people assume that means she's dead, but I don't owe people an explanation on what happened. Those closest to me get the story, but in general, I just tell them she's "gone."
Dunno where bread winner comes from but in the hood we call money bread as it’s not incriminating for some 😂
If you ever come to Finland, you can go Sauna alone, if you don’t feel comfortable with other people.
The swimwear is basically plastic and the heat we have in Saunas (can be close to boiling point of water) so it’s kind of safety issue.
But anyway you can wear a towel too, we understand foreigners quite well with stuff related to Sauna.