This hits home twice, with me even though in a less extent now, and with my FA ex, in a much bigger extent...if he woke up and wasn't feeling good, he cancelled plans for dinner and isolated all day in the house. And no matter how many times I told him I was there for him and wasn't scared of his darkness, he couldn't accept the help or support. I've always felt loneliness and a void inside (having no friends or having best friends moving away and kinda abandoning me was a big component in creating this during childhood), I have meaningful friendships now but they live far away. In the past few years (from Covid expecially) it doesn't bother me a lot, sometimes in the evening I feel it and become sad. Then I met my FA ex and I found the person I was searching for since childhood and after he broke up all the loneliness has come back and doesn't want to go away, even when I'm with close people
I only recently realised how that deep loneliness or emptiness has always been there. It's going to be interesting to try to drop the masks, the performance, and see what comes through on the other side
This is something I’ve felt for a while and just accepted. It’s a relief knowing that this is something I can heal. But also painful knowing I could’ve possibly saved past connections. Overall it does give me hope, thank you for this video ♥️
I'm recently grappling with the fact that I actively shame my loneliness and call myself 'pathetic and weak' - as an FA, asserting my independence helped me regulate. Seeing this video validated my mess and made me feel less alone. ❤❤❤
Very good video. I agree this type of emotional neglect is so rampant due to culture and socialization. I too was punished or isolated when I was having big overwhelming feelings. Even at work the mantra used to be leave your personal life at the door and encouraged this detached compartmentalization that we couldn’t even be ourselves at work, at home, at school, I only felt I could be myself when I was alone.
Yes this loneliness is brutal, thanks for unpacking it. Interesting about holding space for emotions I remember as child always being sent to my room to deal w them on my own, then I suppose I just closed off for ever needing any support.
When I was three years old, I had tantrums. My parents set up a system where I would receive a gift If I did not have a tantrum for 10 days in a row (if I had a tantrum, I started from day zero again). Essentially, they taught me to hide and suppress anger, deeming it an unwanted emotion. Keeping anger inside as an adolescent made me feel depressed. Slowly, I am finding ways to express anger (that do not hurt others). I now recognise the importance of feeling angry for knowing and setting your boundaries. I allow for more acceptance, space and appreciation for anger.
The fearful avoidant is borderline light. Im finally finally seeing the patterns and accepting where i have agency Je doet goed. Zo recht voor de raap en relatable
Pauline, I really appreciate the work you put into helping us that feel so lonely and afraid of love. When you talk about how you were dating your husband at 20 and now you’ve been married for more than 10 years it really gives me so much hope because im with someone I love deeply that im willing to actually work on myself for. This might sound strange, but has anyone ever felt they are fooling themselves into thinking they have the fearful avoidance and they’re using it as an excuse to combat the nitpicking and distancing? that might sound silly, but might this be another protection mechanism by the fearbrain?
I think that anyone with ROCD or FA would think that they are using it as an excuse and truly believe that the real reason is that they are just not compatible/attracted etc...
Thank you for this video too much, I finally found the missing puzzle piece in understanding my FA partner! They do improve, things are not that bad as it used to be a year ago, but it feels like they do it just for me. For example "if you want, we will spend more time together". And it makes me very confused, I don't understand if they actually want it too or they do it just for me? But why would someone do something for unwanted person? Now I see... perform and not connect. Still confusing a bit...
makes complete sense,,,thank you again for your Soul-calling to help people & ending your videos on a hope-giving, positive note & w/a calming smile on your face! :) Blessings to you the work you are doing!
Thankyou Paulien, this was a very revealing and perceptive video. I think I have always identified with loneliness, mainly subconsciously, which of course has effectively blocked attempts at connection; perhaps beginning to recognize that this is a false identification is a way forward. I hope to be able to start your Online Program next year- until then I will continue to listen, read, and write
Thanks! I was looking forward to this one since the title first popped up the other week. I appreciate the background story behind feelings of loneliness and how it can be retrained.
Very much this. It feels like a rock and a hard place when you have to show up authentically in order to be seen in the first place. Which is quite intimate to do, that whole unmasking. After such a long time of "roleplaying". But as long as people get to see mask only, they cannot see you because you basically hide you. ✌️
Hi Paulien! Yhank you so much for this video! I really appreciate your authenticity and honest sharings. I see how going through the same type of healing you are communicating in a way that really resonates 😊. I definitely see how the social performance instead of connection is playing out in my friendships and my work environment. I also see why i have so much difficulty dealing with my emotions and why i isolate and feel so lonely doing so. I also understand why i am so clueless accompanying my children with their own emotions: i am aware of how devastating my upbringing was and don't want to perpetuate this. My parents did the best they could, and i intend to do the best i can. Thank you, it gives an amazing clarity to pursue my healing journey ❤❤
Affirmations: I stop evaluating myself in terms of 'enough' or 'not enough'. I accept myself, no matter what happens. It feel that others love me for who I am. I love myself deeply and fully.
Do we need a life partner to do it, it's really hard for me to be this vulnerable to show full myself ,(especially this messy healing journey of everyday learning of attachment styles, cognitive reframing and stuff) from past 6 months it's everyday cognitive reframing and feeling gaining control and losing control and no support system to latch on ,since I can't access vulnerability,it makes me feel everyone is distant person .....
This hits home twice, with me even though in a less extent now, and with my FA ex, in a much bigger extent...if he woke up and wasn't feeling good, he cancelled plans for dinner and isolated all day in the house. And no matter how many times I told him I was there for him and wasn't scared of his darkness, he couldn't accept the help or support.
I've always felt loneliness and a void inside (having no friends or having best friends moving away and kinda abandoning me was a big component in creating this during childhood), I have meaningful friendships now but they live far away. In the past few years (from Covid expecially) it doesn't bother me a lot, sometimes in the evening I feel it and become sad. Then I met my FA ex and I found the person I was searching for since childhood and after he broke up all the loneliness has come back and doesn't want to go away, even when I'm with close people
Would really find helpfull a video about avoidance in friendships I am struggling not to push my friend away
I only recently realised how that deep loneliness or emptiness has always been there. It's going to be interesting to try to drop the masks, the performance, and see what comes through on the other side
Definitely interesting! And brave :)
I am unlovable, yes
This is something I’ve felt for a while and just accepted. It’s a relief knowing that this is something I can heal. But also painful knowing I could’ve possibly saved past connections. Overall it does give me hope, thank you for this video ♥️
Thank you for being here❤
I used to get smacked when I was emotionally dysregulated “you have no reason to cry! I’ll give you something to cry about!”
I'm recently grappling with the fact that I actively shame my loneliness and call myself 'pathetic and weak' - as an FA, asserting my independence helped me regulate. Seeing this video validated my mess and made me feel less alone. ❤❤❤
I am happy to hear this video was valuable to you. Please always speak kindly to yourself, you deserve that❤
Very good video.
I agree this type of emotional neglect is so rampant due to culture and socialization. I too was punished or isolated when I was having big overwhelming feelings.
Even at work the mantra used to be leave your personal life at the door and encouraged this detached compartmentalization that we couldn’t even be ourselves at work, at home, at school, I only felt I could be myself when I was alone.
Thank you for sharing this. It shows that this also happens in work places and it could have a big impact. ❤
Omg , that's so true .
I've been working on being my authentic self and will continue to do so. Thanks!
Thank you for being here!!❤
Yes this loneliness is brutal, thanks for unpacking it. Interesting about holding space for emotions I remember as child always being sent to my room to deal w them on my own, then I suppose I just closed off for ever needing any support.
❤❤
You hit home every time Paulien, love you and your work :)
Ah thank you, and I'm so happy you're here!
Your course has helped me so much & still is ❤❤❤
I'm so happy it is helping you so much, and I'm so happy you are here :) ❤
I relate 100%.
When I was three years old, I had tantrums. My parents set up a system where I would receive a gift If I did not have a tantrum for 10 days in a row (if I had a tantrum, I started from day zero again). Essentially, they taught me to hide and suppress anger, deeming it an unwanted emotion.
Keeping anger inside as an adolescent made me feel depressed. Slowly, I am finding ways to express anger (that do not hurt others). I now recognise the importance of feeling angry for knowing and setting your boundaries.
I allow for more acceptance, space and appreciation for anger.
Wow thats amazing, showing so much growth! Thank you for sharing, this is very valuable❤
The schizoid core that permeates our emptiness and gives us a feeling of deep loneliness...very good explanation of how to deal with it 😊
Thank you!!! ❤
The fearful avoidant is borderline light. Im finally finally seeing the patterns and accepting where i have agency
Je doet goed. Zo recht voor de raap en relatable
Dankjewel
❤
10000% I don't know myself unless I perform. I am exhausted all the time
Pauline, I really appreciate the work you put into helping us that feel so lonely and afraid of love. When you talk about how you were dating your husband at 20 and now you’ve been married for more than 10 years it really gives me so much hope because im with someone I love deeply that im willing to actually work on myself for. This might sound strange, but has anyone ever felt they are fooling themselves into thinking they have the fearful avoidance and they’re using it as an excuse to combat the nitpicking and distancing? that might sound silly, but might this be another protection mechanism by the fearbrain?
Yes it is
I think that anyone with ROCD or FA would think that they are using it as an excuse and truly believe that the real reason is that they are just not compatible/attracted etc...
Thank you for this video too much, I finally found the missing puzzle piece in understanding my FA partner! They do improve, things are not that bad as it used to be a year ago, but it feels like they do it just for me. For example "if you want, we will spend more time together". And it makes me very confused, I don't understand if they actually want it too or they do it just for me? But why would someone do something for unwanted person? Now I see... perform and not connect. Still confusing a bit...
makes complete sense,,,thank you again for your Soul-calling to help people & ending your videos on a hope-giving, positive note & w/a calming smile on your face! :) Blessings to you the work you are doing!
Thank you, it is so kind of you to take the time to comment this. Thank you for being here!
Thankyou Paulien, this was a very revealing and perceptive video. I think I have always identified with loneliness, mainly subconsciously, which of course has effectively blocked attempts at connection; perhaps beginning to recognize that this is a false identification is a way forward. I hope to be able to start your Online Program next year- until then I will continue to listen, read, and write
Thanks! I was looking forward to this one since the title first popped up the other week. I appreciate the background story behind feelings of loneliness and how it can be retrained.
I am happy to hear this was valuable to you!!! ❤
Loneliness is not feeling seen. That's something I'd like to add.
That is a very good one! Thank you for sharing❤
Very much this.
It feels like a rock and a hard place when you have to show up authentically in order to be seen in the first place. Which is quite intimate to do, that whole unmasking. After such a long time of "roleplaying".
But as long as people get to see mask only, they cannot see you because you basically hide you.
✌️
@@evadebruijn Very well spoken, thanks for sharing❤
thank you for the knowledge, it's so valuable to me
I am so happy to hear this!! Thank you for being here!❤
Hi Paulien! Yhank you so much for this video! I really appreciate your authenticity and honest sharings. I see how going through the same type of healing you are communicating in a way that really resonates 😊. I definitely see how the social performance instead of connection is playing out in my friendships and my work environment. I also see why i have so much difficulty dealing with my emotions and why i isolate and feel so lonely doing so. I also understand why i am so clueless accompanying my children with their own emotions: i am aware of how devastating my upbringing was and don't want to perpetuate this. My parents did the best they could, and i intend to do the best i can. Thank you, it gives an amazing clarity to pursue my healing journey ❤❤
Thank you for sharing your story ❤
Excellent video, this resonated. Thanks Paulien
Thank you for being here❤
Affirmations: I stop evaluating myself in terms of 'enough' or 'not enough'. I accept myself, no matter what happens. It feel that others love me for who I am. I love myself deeply and fully.
Thank you for sharing❤
Do we need a life partner to do it, it's really hard for me to be this vulnerable to show full myself ,(especially this messy healing journey of everyday learning of attachment styles, cognitive reframing and stuff) from past 6 months it's everyday cognitive reframing and feeling gaining control and losing control and no support system to latch on ,since I can't access vulnerability,it makes me feel everyone is distant person .....
Did she say how to help ...?
She has videos addressing that specifically
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