QI | Alan Won't Stop Telling Bad Jokes!
ฝัง
- เผยแพร่เมื่อ 30 ก.ย. 2024
- Follow QI on Twitter ▶ / qikipedia
Follow QI on Facebook ▶ / officialqi
Follow QI on Instagram ▶ / theqielves
Subscribe on TH-cam ▶ / theqielves
For more visit ▶ qi.com
This clip is from QI Series B, Episode 8, 'Bees' with Stephen Fry, Alan Davies, Jo Brand, Rich Hall and Fred MacAulay.
![[Full Episode] The Restaurant War Thailand ศึกพ่อค้าซ่าแม่ค้าแซ่บ Episode 2 | 29 ก.ย. 67](http://i.ytimg.com/vi/r3lfLNH6Ke4/mqdefault.jpg)
![CAMPปลิ้น | EP.82[1/2] แก๊ง 3 สาวเพื่อนซี้บุก CAMPปลิ้นครั้งนี้ห้ามเสียอาการ](http://i.ytimg.com/vi/_6WUjXHe1TM/mqdefault.jpg)
I love the look on Alan's face when he realises Jo is genuinely annoyed by the Fungi joke.
It's a genuine, pure, child-like look of someone who's discovered he has a superpower, and nothing on earth will prevent him from using it.
And I love the look that Alan gets when Stephen goes off on him--part shocked, part terrified, then totally delighted.
It’s like when you finally figure out how to annoy your big brother and you for once have something over him.
I love how Jo knew instantly what Alan was going to say.
I think everyone knew
Bet Jo's next joke is about how fat she is or how stupid her husband is.
What's red, brown and sticky?
That bloody Stick again
@@eleSDSU With a cheese grater maybe.
I like this one but you have to be British to pull it off.
Colon Cancer
Was going to make a joke about banks but i lost interest
@@brianallman4 I was going to tell the joke about the broken pencil but it has no point
I was going to make a chemistry joke but now I'm worried I'll get no reaction
I was going to make a joke about amnesia but I forgot what is was.
I was gonna make a joke about genocide, but it seems lika a hollow cause.
Was going to make a joke about the Mobius strip, but guess we'll never hear the end of it.
Seeing the color of Alan's shirt I was expecting the answer to "what's red and silly?" was going to be "you!"
Me too!
KAF128 that was the intention I suppose
And thats why Stephen is a successful comedian and you are not
GroovingPict Asshole.
Same.
What's red and smells like blue paint?
Red paint
What's red and bad for your teeth?
A brick
What’s black and white and red all over?
A nun chewing razor blades.
@@kisbie A magpie in a blender?
😂 My cousin said "No it f#$kin' doesn't." She makes dyes and paints.
@@bremCZ LOL! I wondered about that! Guess it would be different "chemicals" for different colours.
Fun fact: This was season B, episode 8 and the 12th time Alan told the "fungi" joke.
I'd be as annoyed as Jo too, I'd likely threaten to strike Alan squarely on the head if he told it again, I'd really hit him too.
@@Voltaic_Fire ?
@@Voltaic_Fire You okay, champ?
Why did the Fungi leave the party?
There wasn't Mushroom!
😂👍
So next time you go to a party, spore some time to make sure it isn't a truffle to crowded, and that's the morel of the story.
he was toadstool
*booooooo*
I didn't want to pay the ticket for the cloakroom, so I just gave the fungi my jacket to look after... but since he left the party early, he ascomycota.
Stephen Fry cursing is precious.
Impossible not to love Alan
Until you actually meet him...
I also find it quite easy to dislike him. Just saying.
Impossible not to feel ambivalent about Alan
And then you find out he was abused by his father, but despite that he's doing better than you. 😂
For anyone else that didn't get Stephen's joke. In the UK clot means a stupid person. At least that's what Merriam-Webster says.
Bobby Z lived in the UK most of my life, never heard it
@@jobansand I've heard it and I have lived in South America all my life.
I’m from the UK and would’ve said ‘clod’ myself. But perhaps it’s an Americanism that’s infiltrated British English and my usage of ‘clod’ over ‘clot’ is making David Crystal cry.
Yeah. "Clot" is correct.
From England and never heard it, then again up in the north were more literal, I just thought Stephens joke was supposed to be dark
What do you call a fly with no wings?
A walk.
What do you call a fly with no wings and no legs?
A raisin.
@@andymcl92 A roll
I sniggered, despite myself.
How do you get down off an elephant?
You don't, you get down off a duck.
How do you get down off a duck?......
@@KAF128 Oh, just pluck it all.
@@KAF128 ducks feathers are called "down"
@@xJackkHD I know that (!) but the correct answer, which you have missed, is that it is easy to get down off a duck, since it is much lower than an elephant!!!
@@KAF128maybe they missed it because it's terrible?
It’s not the jokes that are hilarious, it’s Alan’s delivery
And the silly little grin on his face. 😂
Why do cows wear bells?
Because their horns don’t work.
_"Don't look at me like that, you fucking pig-eyed sack of shit!"_
This might be the only time I've seen Stephen angry, acted or not. It's really quite staggering.
Two drums and a cymbal fall off a cliff.
Ba-dum tsssshhhh
th-cam.com/video/8eXj97stbG8/w-d-xo.html
A man walks into a drum kit
Ba dum tish
[Tom Scott has joined the chat]
rimshot
2 drums and a cymbal fell to the floor.
Ba dum tish.
What did the naughty strawberry do?
He blew a raspberry.
Best of the lot
I heard that got her in a jam
Rude, but brilliant
Lol.
I keep coming back to this comment section looking for jokes to tell my niece.
There’s always new & better jokes each time, but few I can tell to a five year old.
What's blue and doesn't weigh much?
Light blue.
What do you get when you cross an elephant with a rhino?
Hell if I know (w/Yorkshire accent)
For those unfamiliar with the Yorkshire accent, you’d pronounce it like eleph-ino.
How did Moses make tea for his people?
Hebrews it
Sigh... not "how did." It has to be "how DOES Moses make tea for his people." And it's still unutterably unfunny.
@@Kyriws But Moses is dead, he can't be brewing tea right now or in the future.
And yet the punch line is "Hebrews it." Present tense. So either Moses DOES, or the joke doesn't work at all. Take your pick. And if you don't understand why it matters, then don't bother your head about it. Thank you.
@@Kyriws I mean... it's just a joke. I wouldn't get worked up about it if I were you.
@@Kyriws ahhhhh another person who over-analyses a joke. Why are you watching Alan if you can't cope with a few good bad jokes? Lmao
Also the Hebrews it joke is quite funny in a way. Learn to laugh a bit
Bad jokes are the best jokes.
My friends got tired of them and are giving daily tickets, I can spend them to tell a bad joke per day. I'm saving them for saturday we have a party where I'll unleash hell upon them muahahahha or something like that.
@@eleSDSU I hope you've corrected that major character flaw since writing that. Your friends were obviously struggling to cope with you.
It's brilliant the way Alan is aiming the jokes at Jo due to her detest of them
I had a Chinese friend stuck in an elevator, was wong on so many levels
What do you call a deer with no eyes?
No idea.
What do you call a deer with no eyes and no legs?
Still no idea.
Rapidpanda1st That only works with a Boston accent
@@bbgun061 It works with any non-rhotic accent, which is much of the UK and not just Boston in the US.
What do you call a deer with no eyes and no legs and is on fire?
still no flaming idea.
Your supposed to say “No eye-deer” not no idea, at least if your accent is middle American.
@@qwertyTRiG Hey, leave the Americans alone. They don't know as many things about the world as regular people do.
How does an Eskimo build his house.
Igloos it.
what's short, green and goes camping?
a brussel scout
I love how Jo says it's a joke for an imbecile and Alan is like 'yeah, so?' and tells another one xD
And to be fair, even Jo laughed a bit xD
oh man stephen's outbursts... i gotta go watch a General Melchett compilation now
Baaaaaah!
What's the matter with you Darling?!
Don't slouch darling
I love both Alan' jokes😂😂 and Jo's reaction😂😂
He told more than two jokes?!
Jo calls Alan an imbecile here, yet in a previous episode she told the ‘why are there no aspirins in the jungle?’ joke.
(The parrots ate ‘em all, BTW.)
I'm so glad I clicked on this video
what's red and sits in the corner?
Alan
Uuuuhhh, Stephen! I LOVE it when you talk dirty!😂😂😂
:p
What crawls through the grass and goes "dingdong"?
A wounded Avon lady
Fuck this joke is underrated.
Well then We’ll have to think a better one to makeup for that. 😁
Why do Avon ladies walk funny?
Because the lipstick
What's red and sits in the corner?
A baby with a razor blade.
What's blue and sits in the corner?
A baby with its head in a plastic bag
What's green and sits in the corner?
The same baby 6 weeks later
What's red, turns in circles and goes knock-knock, knock-knock, knock-knock BANG?
Baby in a microwave.
What's red pink and silver and can't turn around in a corridor?
A baby with a javelin through its head
Not at all funny. None of these. Draw a line guys.
"do you have any other jokes where the punchline is a sti..."
"LOADS! :D"
What’s green and smells like bacon?
Kermit the Frog’s fingers
Fraser Gibson 😂🤣
Jesus Christ. That took me a second
It seems trivial, but it's an absolute masterclass in delivery and timing. :-)
What's green and on the press of a button red?
- Frog in a blender
What's brown and rhymes with Snoop?
Dr. Dre
Oh really! The "jokes" in the video are bad enough but you've managed to lower the bar.
Deco Dolly so your saying if he continues with bad hip hop jokes you saying he’ll get a bad rap? 😁
What do you call a woman with one leg?
I-Lean
And where does she work?
at Ihop
@Pipe Tunes Ex wife? I followed them through customs at JFK, once. We were on the same flight.
And what do you call a Chinese lady with one leg?
Irene.
What do you call a lady with fish in her hair?
Anette
What do you call a lady with no legs?
No-lene.
Why even bother to find such great questions? Just go on for it and tell bad dad jokes the entire show!
I would pay for that
Love Alan's reaction to the bloodclot joke.
Same as mine. ‘Clot’ meaning idiot was out of date even when this first aired. I love that Stephen’s take on a bad joke still requires some working out.
@@kisbie
Never heard of "clot" being used to denote an idiot. Have heard "clod" used that way...
B uppy Think that’s an American corruption (not the last of those, f’naar, f’naar), Similar to ‘titbit’ becoming ‘tidbit’.
@@kisbie
Wrong, the corruption is likely to have happened in Britain. The US was better not only at preserving the English language (sans Ben Franklin's Americanization of it) of the time, it was better at standardizing it. The US Forefathers thought better of the value of "education for everyone", than the "class" education system in Britain....
www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/clod
@@b_uppy Franklin? I only heard of Noah Webster.
What do you call a deer with no eyes? No idea.
What do you call a deer with no eyes or legs? Still no idea.
What do you call a deer with no eyes or legs or ears? Anything you want, he can't hear you.
I like the way Alan laughed after Stephen called him a sack of s..t
What’s black and white and red all over?
A newspaper.
What's black & white & red all over?
- a sunburnt zebra
- an embarrassed panda
* penguins also work as the punchline
My 8 year old LOVES silly jokes so I jot them down & sneak them in her lunchbox. 😊
@@rrbaggett7 that's some of the best parenting I've ever heard of XD
How do you measure a burrito?
In INchiladas.
He got me with the strawberry.
i'm not sure i understood the Bloodclot joke
A clot is someone who does stupid or silly stuff. And obviously blood is red so bloodclot.
@@user-hi4sm3ig5j Or, if you're from London, a 'bludclart' is basically slang for an idiot so it works that way too lol
@@user-hi4sm3ig5j Isn't it "clod"? Hmm
@@satyasyasatyasya5746a clod is a lump, of grass. When you get a lump of semi congealed blood you have a clot
@@Fcutdlady I wasn't refering to a blood clot, I know what a blood clot is. I meant, isn't the word for a fool/idiot "a clod." Hence why the joke didn't really work.
What's green and sings? Elvis parsley.
That's the best joke in this entire video!
My dinosaur thought it was hilarious ! Love it
Elvis Presley is probably green by now too
@@jawood360 Doesn’t sing much anymore though.
How many amibas does it take to change a light bulb?
2, no 4, no 16, no 256.......
My dog is a solicitor now .
He works pro bono.
dawkinsfan41 omgod that is abysmal
@Youoblues - It's also wrong. It should be "He works pro-bonio" Bonio being a brand of dog biscuit.
@@decodolly1535 No, because Bonio is unknown to most of the planet, while "Bono" can be pronounced similarly to "Bone".
@@eleSDSU This was a comment on a clip of a UK TV programme, using a very old UK joke, which referred to a UK dog biscuit. You could use "bone" but the original gag was "Bonio".
Hear about the layer who represented the man selling black market viagra. He was working pro-boner.
What's brown and rhymes with “snoop”?
.
...
.....
Dr. Dre
Thanks QI, I think my IQ slipped a full ten points. I really couldn’t afford it.
Why is stupid so funny? ;)
I think there's an element to it that sometimes, we just want things to be simple. Let's face it: our lives tend to be a stressy, complicated mess. So occasionally, a silly joke where we can all cozily go 'yuck yuck yuck' is just perfect.
more, more, encore ... wait, no ... ah ... "bis" .. bis!
What is black, white and red all over.
A badger in a blender.
Tom Scott want to know your location
It was Matt who made that joke not Tom
What do you call a mushroom with a ten-inch stalk?
A fungi at a party.
It was like Jo was an annoyed mother and Alan was the kid that wouldn't stop talking, perfect chemistry for this 😂😂
When I told people I wanted to become a comedian, they all laughed at me.
Now they aren't laughing.
It’s “well, they’re not laughing now”. Stop getting Monkhouse wrong!
EnteiFire4 It’s not even funny with that punchline
Murr-ay
What's brown and sticky?
My picture of Beyoncé
Wh-
I absolutely adore the concerned way Alan is looking at Jo when he says the first punch line
Alan is a great guy ! Wish l was half as good as him !
The last joke was honestly the best one, purely because I hadn't heard it before
Love how he says "naughty strawberry" lmao
What’s green, has 4 legs and if it jumps from a tree it will kill you??
A pool table.
I like simple jokes. They are the ones you remembered when life was bright and colourful.
What's black, white and red all over?
A sun burnt penguin.
I like that proffessional comedians are sitting around telling jokes even the most foolish dad would be ashamed of. Also, taking a leaf out of 8 Out of 10 Cats' book when it comes to video titles, no?
I think of these as schoolyard jokes. They're the kind of thing you find in kids' joke books and on Penguin bars.
@@qwertyTRiG Why don't polar bears eat penguins...?
@@KAF128 They can't get the wrappers off, of course.
Jo’s one to complain given her “parrots eat em all” joke from another appearance.
And her generally monothematic humor... They even put "my husband" as a klaxon once.
“You fucking pig eyed sack of shit!!” 😂 1:31
he’s so cute 😭😭😭
If only Stephen had delivered the 'blood clot' punchline with a Jamaican accent!
Something so amusing about the pigeyed sack of shit line, maybe because all the other jokes are tame, or maybe its just seeibg Fry so stirred up. It cracks me up everytime
You may think that the cup is half empty or half full, but engineers know that the cup is twice as big as it needs to be.
People laughed so it wasn't a bad joke.
What makes Alan so adorable is his seeming innocence. 🥰
What pink and slippery.
Slippers.
Jo was mad that none of the jokes had the punchline of "My husband" or "A mars bar"
That could have been brown and sticky.
"Oh, don't you look at me like that you f**king pig-eyed sack of shit!!!"
I may have had a mini-stroke that made me laugh so hard.
Alan is to adorable to handle
*Researchers have confirmed that UFOs seem to be attracted to arsenic. Did you hear that, Nic?
The aliens will bum you.*
“What’s green and sings? Elvis Parsley” I can’t stop fucking laughing!!!🤣🤣🤣
My favourite "bad joke" is currently on the back of the Penguin bars.
What do you call 500 penguins in Trafalgar Square?
Lost. 😂😂😂
just thankful he didn't do the baby jokes involving swimming pools and razor blades and floaties.
What's green and yellow?
BLUE!! 🤣
What do you call a deer with no eyes?
No idea!! 🤣
What do you call a deer with no eyes and no legs?
Still no idea!
@@davimurph I was waiting for that one!! What do you call a dead deer with no eyes or legs in hell?
Still no dammed idea!!
what smells foul, tastes sour, but sounds great?
a john lemon
An English teacher asks her German classroom why only one boy greets her back in the morning...the boy replies...because I are the only one what name are Claas
I have a lot of respect for Jo Brand, but condemn her intelectual snobbery in regards these fine jokes,
What's brown and sounds like a bell?
A: Dung (thank you Monty Python)
OKAY THE NAUGHTY STRAWBERRY GOT ME
Pig eyed what?! I gotta start using that one
Jo complaint about Alan’s terrible and childish jokes when all her jokes are about her being over weight and insults to her husband
Smut Fungus would be a cool name for a punk band!
The joke about "brown and sticky" was in an episode of Jonathan Creek.
Bad jokes are the best!!!
Who’s in charge of the hankies?
The hanky chief!
Alan is a dad!
Alan won't stop. Period.
2 drums and a cymbal fell to the floor
Bluewale
Don't mess with Alan he co created this show.