Ep. 22 - using fear as a way to meet myself more deeply
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- เผยแพร่เมื่อ 22 พ.ย. 2024
- Hey there, jessie here 👋
Welcome to my stream of conscjessness
Inviting you to watch in wonder, eardrums in your heart; it is my wish that you gain both and or neither triggers and glimmers, inspiration and apathy, clarity and confusion, insight and utter disgust at the nonsense I spew etc. etc.
Let me be your mirror, if you want 🤷♂️😉
Here to remind you, you get to CHOOSE what to believe
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Have a beautiful day and a beautiful life
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Jessie xxx
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Fear is best dealt in partnership with another to hold your hand , it provides clarity & grounding . Your growth is phenomenal .
Beautiful 🩵
Your friend is indeed genius haha What a statement.
Definitely found myself on the same situation before, but now I realize that I wasn't as open as I thought. I've been single for a few years now, and I think for anxious people like us, establishing an open and honest conversation at the start is the best path, even though the work with our inner self is a continuous and almost never ending process, at least that's how I feel about it. Hopefully you found someone willing to acknowledge your insecurities so you can grow together.
Yes! Though I must admitt, I don't stay anxious for long... once I start feeling anxiety it quickly becomes avoidant for me, like, I'm not dealing with this! Honest communication is a must, really irons out the crinkles
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Very strong and insightful post as a whole. My heart started racing and I kind of wanted to cry when you talked about how you spoke your truth in your conversation with the facilitator. It just seems to be my favorite subject, this thing I have about personal responsibility :) It's such a kick-ass place to operate from and I think it excites me this way because it’s something I yearn to do but also find quite difficult. Although it’s not always appreciated by others, more often than not, when I take the deep plunge and honor how I feel and express that truly - really allow myself to be vulnerable - it opens up a new territory, not only for me, but also for others that are involved and in the process we're often left with hidden and surprising gifts as a result.
Yessssssssss to this 👌🙌 it's the rise of authenticity, so healing for us to reintegrate this aspect of ourselves, which we had to suppress in childhood for our need for attachment and belonging. Very exciting time to be ALIVE 😎🤘
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I can gently give you love even when you feel like something about it feels wrong or new. That's the commitment to love, that I'm making. To not close my heart, even when the love that I have shared is still being processed and recieved. I don't need your love, I can give it to myself. Fuck off. Anger. Fear. I don't want to completely accept and fall into love because what if I fall into his love? Is it outside of me? Will I never find it within myself anymore, and I lose my way home? My fear was, what if he becomes a source of love for me, and I depended on him. That might mean I can't love myself anymore because I fully recieved somebody else's love which means I am full of his love, and not my own. His love. My love. I wondered what the difference is, other than where it is coming from. Love is love. Can I fully feel the love that is already within me that I claim as my own and I can give to myself without needing him for, while also recieving the fullness of his love coming from outside of me at the same time, simultaneously, without losing anything? Does one cancel out the other?
I was wondering to myself if I was loving her too much, and too quickly. I wondered if maybe she was still feeling undeserving of it. Maybe both can be true. We were still figuring things out for ourselves in quiet solitude, and when she returns and I hear her voice speak to me again, whatever the words are that she's speaking are recieved and I get to see the part of her that she wants to show me right now. Thank you.
There were two pages.
One on the left, and one on the right.
As they spoke back and forth, one side was filling itself up with the words that he spoke, while on the other side, the pages filled with all the words she ever spoke.
There lives together, reflected in time, but still being written. Eternal love.
Growing and expanding.
I expressed to her how beautiful she was, and how lovely I thought it was for her to be so devoted to love naturally, even if she wasn't aware of that in herself already yet. It was already seen, but maybe she couldn't see it in herself yet. I thanked her heart for hearing my needs and for caring enough about me to want to give me what I'm asking for, even when she was unable to really feel it herself in that moment. She needed to know that she didnt need to force anything with me, and that Im a patient and tender lover myself, leading by example, and becoming the change I wish to see in this world. It was only temporary, and it was the intention and commitment to the feeling that brought foward her authentic self to me, giving me the chance to see and hear from her, what she needed from me too in return. I waited for her to know herself what she needed from me, so that she could put that into words and share it with me. All in good time.
I told her that I was going to keep giving her my love, and that she could take all the time she needed to process it, and to feel the love that she needs to give to herself in this moment so that she can be receptive to mine. I told her that I still love her, and that I will continue to give her the space to fill with her own words, and I will be here receiving them, even if she isn't able to give me what I need right now. It's okay. Perhaps love with no expectations is love that continues to persist even when the ones we care about aren't in a position to be able to give it in return.
She was always there waiting inside, even though I couldn't see her, and I stood patiently on the other side of the river, singing my song and waiting for her to emerge from her nest, in good time, in a way that came naturally to her heart. She needed to hear from me that I was going to be patient and forgiving, I think? But maybe I was wrong, and she could tell me. She could tell me anything. I was so grateful that she is in my life, and that Ive found someone so special that I get to go through this experience of life with, so deeply. I appreciated that she could express to me what she felt so openly, and while being so thoughtful of the other sides perspective still. Things unknown are still taking their time to make themselves known. All I could do with our seperateness was to try to bridge the gap between us with my words, and what I saw at the time from my perspective. Open and honest dialogue can consist of being wrong sometimes, and that's okay. We were still working through things, and I remembered that uncertainty is a blessing in disguise. Change often comes from there, because it's the third door. Its the thing making itself known when we give it the space and time to emerge, in quiet reflection ☀️☀️💚💚🌱🌱
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without going too deep into it, it all seems a bit too complicated for what i'd expect someone wants in early stage of relationship...
i know you're a thinker and feeler jess but in this area... agree with that other commenter... it should just fun and joyful
Haha thanks, I mean don't get me wrong, it's veeeery fun and joyful too! Honestly, this man makes me comfortable to me my chirpiest and flirtiest self ;)
@@heytherejessiehere hey! maybe you can do a video where you're in a pub. that would be a fun change of scenery, and im interested to know how that affects your style... any chance?!
You can be so interesting...I like how you can download and defrag your entire memory from a toddler to an empowered woman whose trajectory will not be inhibited by any event or conversation which sends a tendril into any part of you. The whole is greater than any of it's parts and even the sum of it's parts... Also you have large, very animated, and very wide set eyes. I checked and my eyes are not quite as big, or as wide set Also they are much less animated. That is to say my gaze is more steady... More like a 1000 yard stare? Not sure what any of that could mean.. Just my curiosity I suppose.. But I do find myself wishing I had eyes more like yours.
Cor. 13.13 states and I quote.. "And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love".. Or as I like to call it... Love/Desire... I don't really like St Paul... I never trusted him... But every successful lie has it's measure of truth. In the case of this bible verse although I question the Christian cultic view of what love is, or at least how this cult following of St Paul's was allowed to embrace it (in an almost weaponized way.. IMO) For instance.. Rom. 20 “If thine enemy hunger, feed him; if he thirst, give him drink. For in so doing thou shalt heap coals of fire on his head.”.. What the hell is THAT supposed to mean? Sounds to me much more like suppressed anger or at best a stunted and immature phase in the development of the true transformational power of love. BUT looking around what I see a whole lot of is 'lovers in love' treating love in exactly this way.. And in the end doubt invariably seeping in through the cracks and undermining the whole affair to the point where it in fact literally becomes a weapon, a 'wedge'. or a tool used to exploit others in an opportunistic, parasitic or predatory way.. Sorry.. That's what I see a whole lot of when I look around me and receive the torrential downloads I keep receiving from other people these days.. I won't say maybe it's just me.. Because I KNOW it's me.. See, my faith in and hope for humanity has been diminished to a great extent rather than augmented... In like fashion my love, too has been diminished.. It's a sad thing, and I'm working on it... At least in the short term. Long term is different, as I KNOW where we are all headed. And I do know what love beyond all conditioning is..(as I was once shown this, up close and personal.) At least those of us who's consciousness can manage to survive beyond the unconsciousness of the typical morbid death... And it's going to be wonderful. You will see for yourself, if you will see for yourself. But back to the point I was making. What exactly were St Paul's cult followers expected to do with that information? Love their enemies to death? At any rate.. The words I took from Corinthians ARE in fact true (IMO) And all these things DO arise together. Which is 'strongest'(?) Well if you ask me it is 'belief/trust' (actual Pavlovian conditioning style belief/trust) the silent fourth 'thing' which he conveniently omits. Enough joking... Yes belief/trust (mental, emotional, and reflexive conditioning) is strongest and can occur only where all the aforementioned three 'things' are taken together. It's not 'better' than love/desire or faith, or hope. Still, it is not just 'strongest' but you could say it's 'greatest' as it contains the other elements. As an aside belief/trust is also easiest to manipulate. But that's another sermon for another time.
Anyway IMO the 'strength'(?) ....REAL EMPOWERMENT of love for love's sake in the real world brings faith and hope right along with it with as St Paul rightly points out... If the other two aren't present and accounted fort.. It's the wanna-be version of 'hoped for love and abstracted faith in love... But for love to be the simple truth there must be all three This somewhat subtle distinction can be easily lost, but it is nevertheless true. Not a philosophical truth so much as a reliable gauge or barometer of building or existing love. These three act together as integral aspects of the ONE thing (belief in and as reality?).. That which we in today's world like to call... LIFE. And in most cases LIFE ONLY. The components ARE important. Also It is an undeniable fact for everyone Not just some.. Not just for so called 'Christians', nor just for 'lovers'. And not just for those crazy Rational Emotive Therapists and their clients.... It's NOT a 'remedy' and it WILL obliterate our ego... 'Give me' a wider love.. Give me a wider looove - just kidding. Simply put, can't be done. We can't get there from here... When love does become higher and wider in our case, it won't be because of 'me' or some other. It will come in the form of a spiritual awakening to what is always already REALITY, if only we would perceive and know it. JMO
Thank you for sharing, good for thought... I feel love is what enables trust, though from our human perspective trusting is what helps us reach or know the experience of love, in its purest form. It is a force of nature, and we tune into it or we don't. Trust helps me tune in, in that case, love is 'greater' but really for want of a better term.
Do you want to change your experience of faith with humanity or does it serve you to be somewhat diminished?
Thanks once again for sharing xxx
Big long conversations like this is a bit of a red flag IMO, many people would probably disagree with me but in a relationship its good to spend most of your time in a state of playfulness, especially at the beginning, as a guy I wouldn't let you engage me like this for a prolonged amount of time
Thanks for sharing your perspective, it's valid and makes sense actually....and it's a good job we don't date 🤣
@ haha! Thats funny
Don't take this the wrong way because I personally think it's brilliant, but you kind of come across as a bit 'sassy' or 'spikey' when reacting to other people when what they say or do isn't in harmony with your ego or conditioning or beliefs etc. I feel this because I am the exact same, only I'm on the other spectrum where I don't bite my tongue, and actually, I speak up maybe a bit too much sometimes. I wish I could learn more to put others' needs before myself, but my ego is a bit of a yapping dog, a yorkshire terrier with a buzz cut. 😂
Oh babe your right, I can be sooooooo spikey, sassy at best, hostile at worst 🤣
I'm working on it 😁
@heytherejessiehere Same 🙈, it's gotten me in a lot of predicaments in the past! It's such a paradox as well! Having a huge heart, wanting to love everyone and share joy and peace but on the flipside there's this spikey, don't-f-with-me part that can be bloody aggressive 😂. I see so much of myself in you when watching your videos.