You are mostly spot on! After 20+ years of courtship and then marriage with 3 children, I can't stand ASH anymore. I hate the fact that this marriage is not good enough to stay for a future but not bad enough to move on. With ASH, I don't think we will ever have a normal family life but sadly I give up so much of my life for this family and now I am totally drained emotionally. I wish I knew this before I married him. He masked it so well.
What you describe is exactly what I have been doing for 2 decades. I am not playing the victim. I am explaining what it is like to be in a NT/ASD marriage (in this variant). I chose the life of husband and wife up front pulling the wagon with kids in it, not the life of a wife pulling the wagon with kids in it, and husband walks along the side with his hand on the side of the wagon.
@@jjjmm7432 you have no idea what this person needs. It's irresponsible of you to tell her anything. Don't guilt her either for wanting to leave. It's likely very difficult enough forr her already and her feelings are valid.
@@jjjmm7432 You are right! I don't think being a single parent is easier than my current situation. In fact, I don't think I have enough support system to get me through a divorce.
@@shellebel1 Thank you for validating my feelings! My most problem is not just him but also the oldest (teen) son. I feel that he is so lost. Teenager time is hard enough and without the guidance, it's even more difficult. ASH is there but he has no clue. ASH doesn't discipline or support him as the teen boy needs. ASH doesn't work with him and challenge him to reach his potential. They do chat with each other about Star War, space or TV shows like friends. I had good relationship with this boy until he was around 12 or 13. This boy fights me to no end now. In his opinion, whatever I say is wrong but I am the only disciplinary. He broke the house rules and I am the only parent who punishes him. ASH is only the Mr. Nice Dad. ASH doesn't correct him when his thinking path is off. I do think we need help but I don't know where to get the right help. I have seen a lot of counselors over the years, using the EAP program. Most of the counselors are good listeners but provide not much help. Finding a good match of counselor is like winning the lottery. Even if I find one, we may not afford it.
👍🏼👍🏼 I love the way you explained this! If my husband could watch this and actually download, process and apply this information, it would make a world of difference. A girl can dream…🙃
I've asked my husband to watch these videos, but he refuses. I started playing one & he threw a tantrum & started cussing calling the doctor names. I just know I'm weary, if I only knew , I would not have married him.
@@hondaissace you know your brain grows neurons all the time. Someone with ASD isn't going to become an NT but they can learn to make their relationship better. If they can go to university and earn a degree, they can learn some strategies to make their partners a little happier.
@@Stella-lalalalala this is why therapy is important. So you can come up with its way you need to communicate. But I understand both people sometimes Need to work on themselves before they can work on the relationship
My boyfriend of 3 years has 95% of ASD symptoms, and unfortunately still refuses a diagnosis. He's in complete denial. Meanwhile, he proclaims to love me but continues to make horrible relationship decisions and allows the few acquaintances he has take advantage of him and walk all over him. He is such a great guy but extremely immature. And is currently ghosting me .. again, so I'm just at the end of my rope at this point 😢
Spot on 👍 as usual! Thank you for all your insights and advice .... which have helped me through 20 challenging years with my Aspie partner/husband + several members of his family who are also on the spectrum 🙏
This hurts me so bad.... I am so afraid that, after my diagnosis that I will break down completely. lost love. No clue how to find love. no friends. confused family... Life is hard.
@@wickjezek1101 Its kindof funny how, 4 months after my original comment I'm really not in any better position to start dating again. 7 months(ish) out of an 11 year relationship. Maybe I just need more time before i figure out how to get back out there. Not much of a social butterfly, so makes it a bit challenging.
@@JChurchua And that's okay! Sometimes we need to take time before attempting to date again. I know how exhausting the dating scene can be, combined with the ASD and pushing yourself to be social won't help you find a quality partner. When you're reading I do suggest nuerodivergent dating. Before my ASD & ADHD diagnosis I was always dating ASD men. I'm currently with a partner who has ADHD and he just gets some of my struggles and appreciates the strengths. I do wish you luck in finding love! We all deserve it.
ASD+NT Couples resources: --- Living with ASD - eBook and Audio Instruction for Neurodiverse Couples: www.livingwithaspergerspartner.com/ --- One-on-One Skype Counseling for Struggling Individuals & Couples Affected by ASD: www.adultaspergerschat.com/2019/07/skype-counseling-for-struggling-couples.html --- Group for ASD Men Struggling in Their Relationship with an NT Spouse: www.adultaspergerschat.com/2020/11/group-for-asd-men-struggling-in-their.html --- Group for Neurotypical Women Struggling in Their Relationship with an ASD Spouse: www.adultaspergerschat.com/2020/11/group-for-nt-women-struggling-in-their.html --- Online Group Therapy for Neurodiverse Couples Affected by Autism Spectrum Disorder: www.adultaspergerschat.com/2020/10/mark-hutten-m.html --- Recovery from Cassandra Syndrome - Counseling for Neurotypical Spouses: www.cassandrasyndromerecovery.com/2021/08/recovery-from-emotional-deprivation-for.html --- ASD Men’s MasterClass: www.asdmasterclass.com/2022/02/asd-mens-masterclass.html
I had no idea. All this time,....many years, I'm just seeing what was wrong. This was the marriage and now I'm clumsy in living with an adult son who is a flamming ASD level1. So it's not over for me but I'm worn out. I need help ..... now
This is not joke people! I just went through this today! I made notes on this today! A coworker of mine I suspect was trying to set me up with a girl today so she ambushed me at work she was talking about the bottles I had in my bag to distract me and my processor was going off saying that her patterns are off so red flags went up. I saw the girl that she was trying to set me up with coming over the hill so I ran into the street! I basically pulled a batman Maneuver of pop smoke and disappear. The build up was I could sense the day prior that she was scheming something, but I honestly didn't think that she would go through with it.
@@isabeltaylor1762 Basically, you develop your independent life, have your own social circle and find your support system. I read/watch a lot to understand and learn about this condition. I also join support groups and talk to people who have similar experience. We are not alone. There are a bunch of us who have to deal with ASD partners (with different variants) on a daily basis. Some are loud and yell but my ASH is calm and quiet. Eventually, you would find a few who have very similar husband like yours. My ASH is 98% of what Mark describes above. He is passive, unmotivated, non-driven, avoids social contact, avoids crowd/people, selfish (only think about himself, not the kids), inflexible (stick to routine), non-communicator (quiet), clueless (on every new situation if it's not done before), super picky eater (eating disorder), hoarder, avoidant personality disorder (?). He only wants to live in his comfort zone. In fact, the lockdown is paradise to him so he works from home. After work, he talks to his dad and watches TV mindlessly (while I struggle like crazy to find activities for our children so they can meet up with people and develop social skills in normal settings). The key problem is that my ASH doesn't think he has a problem. He believes I am the one who has problems because I expect too high and want too much. Since I am not materialistic, what I want is to make family memories and traditions as well as prepare the children for the future. Since that's too much for ASH, so I have to take on his role like going with other boys and dads to hike 16 miles or camp out in 21'F temperature with my boy(s). I joke that am a married single mom.
In short mind blindness. Let me try I to explain. Lower your emotions doesn’t mean you don’t feel at all nor doesn’t mean that it take away anxiety. When you can’t perceive what people mean by what they say, distinguish people’s intentions, cant ready body language or sometimes facial features correctly then your always in a state of having to be on guard and thus causing anxiety. Anxiety is your body’s response to stress. That can defiantly cause stress. Some people on the spectrum try to lower their emotions cause they just feel to much. The had to be reversed and they have to learn how to regulate that in a safe way. That’s the objective here. I hope that helps.
Emotions are like 0 or 1 with us. We feel them immensely or not at all. So if we're depressed then we are super depressed. But mostly we dont really feel emotions. Especially synesthized ones like love etc. Basic emotions we do feel like happiness sadness fear etc.
This Also happens in reverse nts judge what aspies are thinking by nt standards making them mind blind as well because that approach will give false results.
@@51elephantchang of course, I learned that once I found out what it was. But trying to approach with knowing and experiencing the disconnect that occurs with use of verbal and body language(I know it isn't intentional for asd) is beyond challenging. What bothers me most is what seems to be lack of trust, in conversation, doubt of what I'd said because it doesn't match asd logic (which it never will because I'm NT!) Also given the countless situations where it's shown from another source later I'm not wrong and THEN maybe I'm acknowledged. I've never given any reason to doubt or distrust me, and unfortunately I've had so many negative experiences due to "unintentional" asd traits which caused unnecessary emotional pain. I don't understand the lack of trust, gratitude and respect after putting out so much effort over years.
@@ckfodel You seem.very nice and no doubt your partner is challenging.Only u can decide whether to go on with them..either way it's nobody's fault.I expect they get exhausted masking so much and relax it with you thru familiarity leading to conflict.Ive found since retiring I'm less tired with masking at work and have the energy for my partner.Such a shame we aspies have to live a sham life but if we do not the nt world destroys us.
You are mostly spot on! After 20+ years of courtship and then marriage with 3 children, I can't stand ASH anymore. I hate the fact that this marriage is not good enough to stay for a future but not bad enough to move on. With ASH, I don't think we will ever have a normal family life but sadly I give up so much of my life for this family and now I am totally drained emotionally. I wish I knew this before I married him. He masked it so well.
@@jjjmm7432 So, what is the best for the family, in your opinion? What would you recommend?
What you describe is exactly what I have been doing for 2 decades. I am not playing the victim. I am explaining what it is like to be in a NT/ASD marriage (in this variant). I chose the life of husband and wife up front pulling the wagon with kids in it, not the life of a wife pulling the wagon with kids in it, and husband walks along the side with his hand on the side of the wagon.
@@jjjmm7432 you have no idea what this person needs. It's irresponsible of you to tell her anything. Don't guilt her either for wanting to leave. It's likely very difficult enough forr her already and her feelings are valid.
@@jjjmm7432 You are right! I don't think being a single parent is easier than my current situation. In fact, I don't think I have enough support system to get me through a divorce.
@@shellebel1 Thank you for validating my feelings! My most problem is not just him but also the oldest (teen) son. I feel that he is so lost. Teenager time is hard enough and without the guidance, it's even more difficult. ASH is there but he has no clue. ASH doesn't discipline or support him as the teen boy needs. ASH doesn't work with him and challenge him to reach his potential. They do chat with each other about Star War, space or TV shows like friends. I had good relationship with this boy until he was around 12 or 13. This boy fights me to no end now. In his opinion, whatever I say is wrong but I am the only disciplinary. He broke the house rules and I am the only parent who punishes him. ASH is only the Mr. Nice Dad. ASH doesn't correct him when his thinking path is off.
I do think we need help but I don't know where to get the right help. I have seen a lot of counselors over the years, using the EAP program. Most of the counselors are good listeners but provide not much help. Finding a good match of counselor is like winning the lottery. Even if I find one, we may not afford it.
In 12 minutes, Mark just described 20 years of my struggle in my marriage.
This made me cry. I love my husband but everything feels like it's falling apart and I just don't know what to do or if I have the energy to do it
This is my husband to a T! 19 years into our relationship and not knowing what was happening and why has caused So Many problems in our marriage!🥺
Amazing!!! The best description of issues between DH and I that I’ve ever heard. Thank you so very much! 🙏❤️
👍🏼👍🏼
I love the way you explained this! If my husband could watch this and actually download, process and apply this information, it would make a world of difference. A girl can dream…🙃
I've asked my husband to watch these videos, but he refuses. I started playing one & he threw a tantrum & started cussing calling the doctor names. I just know I'm weary, if I only knew , I would not have married him.
Yeah he'll invent neurons in his head and change his behavior for you yes yes yes
@@hondaissace you know your brain grows neurons all the time. Someone with ASD isn't going to become an NT but they can learn to make their relationship better. If they can go to university and earn a degree, they can learn some strategies to make their partners a little happier.
@@mazzottafrancesco Why dont you grow some neurons and become ND that way you wont have issues with your husband hmm?
@@mazzottafrancesco like u should stop babbling all day and stop talking so much to become more ND.
Lots of good information here. It helps me as an nt to understand things from my aspie's perspective.
Is there anything positive at all about these relationships? Is there hope for a long-term investment? Should one run away while they can?
A lot of hope if you get some communication strategies from a therapist who knows about autism.
I am running away now...I think it’s good for both of us. We should think a way to stop heating ourselves from someone just don’t know what love is.
@@Stella-lalalalala this is why therapy is important. So you can come up with its way you need to communicate. But I understand both people sometimes
Need to work on themselves before they can work on the relationship
Yes there is a way. What mark is true.
@@kls701 I totally agree! There’s a way for the couple who both want to save their marriage. Unfortunately, I am not the lucky one.
My boyfriend of 3 years has 95% of ASD symptoms, and unfortunately still refuses a diagnosis. He's in complete denial. Meanwhile, he proclaims to love me but continues to make horrible relationship decisions and allows the few acquaintances he has take advantage of him and walk all over him. He is such a great guy but extremely immature. And is currently ghosting me .. again, so I'm just at the end of my rope at this point 😢
Run!
Spot on 👍 as usual!
Thank you for all your insights and advice .... which have helped me through 20 challenging years with my Aspie partner/husband + several members of his family who are also on the spectrum 🙏
Very helpful - it's good to get a truthful lowdown, it helps to understand and to know that I'm not alone.
This depiction is so correct...every word
This hurts me so bad....
I am so afraid that, after my diagnosis that I will break down completely.
lost love. No clue how to find love. no friends. confused family... Life is hard.
Date autistic women. These NTs are so callous and ruthless.
@@wickjezek1101 Where do they hang out? 🤭
@@JChurchua That is a good question! I think online might be the best place. There are also local autism meet-up support groups.
@@wickjezek1101 Its kindof funny how, 4 months after my original comment I'm really not in any better position to start dating again.
7 months(ish) out of an 11 year relationship. Maybe I just need more time before i figure out how to get back out there. Not much of a social butterfly, so makes it a bit challenging.
@@JChurchua And that's okay! Sometimes we need to take time before attempting to date again. I know how exhausting the dating scene can be, combined with the ASD and pushing yourself to be social won't help you find a quality partner. When you're reading I do suggest nuerodivergent dating. Before my ASD & ADHD diagnosis I was always dating ASD men. I'm currently with a partner who has ADHD and he just gets some of my struggles and appreciates the strengths. I do wish you luck in finding love! We all deserve it.
ASD+NT Couples resources:
--- Living with ASD - eBook and Audio Instruction for Neurodiverse Couples: www.livingwithaspergerspartner.com/
--- One-on-One Skype Counseling for Struggling Individuals & Couples Affected by ASD: www.adultaspergerschat.com/2019/07/skype-counseling-for-struggling-couples.html
--- Group for ASD Men Struggling in Their Relationship with an NT Spouse: www.adultaspergerschat.com/2020/11/group-for-asd-men-struggling-in-their.html
--- Group for Neurotypical Women Struggling in Their Relationship with an ASD Spouse: www.adultaspergerschat.com/2020/11/group-for-nt-women-struggling-in-their.html
--- Online Group Therapy for Neurodiverse Couples Affected by Autism Spectrum Disorder: www.adultaspergerschat.com/2020/10/mark-hutten-m.html
--- Recovery from Cassandra Syndrome - Counseling for Neurotypical Spouses: www.cassandrasyndromerecovery.com/2021/08/recovery-from-emotional-deprivation-for.html
--- ASD Men’s MasterClass: www.asdmasterclass.com/2022/02/asd-mens-masterclass.html
Thank you for this validating video.
Thanks for watching!
I wish I could show this to my ex. Aside from these struggles, he was a great life partner.
I feel sad that I only discovered this now. Pretty much 💯 spot on, but I wasted 2 years of my life with someone who never cared after all.
*couldnt care
Mine is 10 years.....
Be glad it isn’t 20.
Your content is so touching
Oh wow, this is totally my life!!!
I had no idea. All this time,....many years, I'm just seeing what was wrong. This was the marriage and now I'm clumsy in living with an adult son who is a flamming ASD level1. So it's not over for me but I'm worn out. I need help ..... now
@@martiabomargood823 Worn out if a good way to put it.
@@martiabomargood823 I'm worn too. I just cant deal with his cruelty anymore.
so touching for an excellent video
Glad you think so!
I just found you. Thank you.
This is not joke people! I just went through this today! I made notes on this today!
A coworker of mine I suspect was trying to set me up with a girl today so she ambushed me at work she was talking about the bottles I had in my bag to distract me and my processor was going off saying that her patterns are off so red flags went up. I saw the girl that she was trying to set me up with coming over the hill so I ran into the street!
I basically pulled a batman Maneuver of pop smoke and disappear.
The build up was I could sense the day prior that she was scheming something, but I honestly didn't think that she would go through with it.
I shut down my emotions
I have to detach to stay sane.
@@lifeseries7944 can you speak a bit more about this. I’m an NT struggling to comprehend this ability to detach
@@isabeltaylor1762 Basically, you develop your independent life, have your own social circle and find your support system. I read/watch a lot to understand and learn about this condition. I also join support groups and talk to people who have similar experience. We are not alone. There are a bunch of us who have to deal with ASD partners (with different variants) on a daily basis. Some are loud and yell but my ASH is calm and quiet. Eventually, you would find a few who have very similar husband like yours.
My ASH is 98% of what Mark describes above. He is passive, unmotivated, non-driven, avoids social contact, avoids crowd/people, selfish (only think about himself, not the kids), inflexible (stick to routine), non-communicator (quiet), clueless (on every new situation if it's not done before), super picky eater (eating disorder), hoarder, avoidant personality disorder (?). He only wants to live in his comfort zone. In fact, the lockdown is paradise to him so he works from home. After work, he talks to his dad and watches TV mindlessly (while I struggle like crazy to find activities for our children so they can meet up with people and develop social skills in normal settings).
The key problem is that my ASH doesn't think he has a problem. He believes I am the one who has problems because I expect too high and want too much. Since I am not materialistic, what I want is to make family memories and traditions as well as prepare the children for the future. Since that's too much for ASH, so I have to take on his role like going with other boys and dads to hike 16 miles or camp out in 21'F temperature with my boy(s). I joke that am a married single mom.
@@lifeseries7944 I feel for you. Iam sorry again, he just said straight up lazy.
I experience this myself, not a partner
If they demote their emotions why do so many of them suffer from depression. Isn’t anxiety an emotion. Define emotion: guilt, sadness, joy, love.
In short mind blindness. Let me try I to explain. Lower your emotions doesn’t mean you don’t feel at all nor doesn’t mean that it take away anxiety. When you can’t perceive what people mean by what they say, distinguish people’s intentions, cant ready body language or sometimes facial features correctly then your always in a state of having to be on guard and thus causing anxiety. Anxiety is your body’s response to stress. That can defiantly cause stress. Some people on the spectrum try to lower their emotions cause they just feel to much. The had to be reversed and they have to learn how to regulate that in a safe way. That’s the objective here. I hope that helps.
Emotions are like 0 or 1 with us. We feel them immensely or not at all. So if we're depressed then we are super depressed. But mostly we dont really feel emotions. Especially synesthized ones like love etc. Basic emotions we do feel like happiness sadness fear etc.
Can you comment on what the neurotypical wife should do if she's battling an addiction with a neurodiverse husband
He is not diagnosed but shows a lot of signs and is not seemingly helpful when he shuts down but is very high functioning at his job
What if the woman is a narcissist? And uses the man's ASD to control him?
Same problem...
8:15 so with these questions, knowing they don't know, is it also that they cannot ask or do not think to ask, but just wonder and guess?
This Also happens in reverse nts judge what aspies are thinking by nt standards making them mind blind as well because that approach will give false results.
@@51elephantchang experiencing communication breakdown. It isn't working.
@@ckfodel Sorry to hear that..if your nt and your partner is aspie treating them like an nt is hopeless IMO.
@@51elephantchang of course, I learned that once I found out what it was. But trying to approach with knowing and experiencing the disconnect that occurs with use of verbal and body language(I know it isn't intentional for asd) is beyond challenging. What bothers me most is what seems to be lack of trust, in conversation, doubt of what I'd said because it doesn't match asd logic (which it never will because I'm NT!) Also given the countless situations where it's shown from another source later I'm not wrong and THEN maybe I'm acknowledged. I've never given any reason to doubt or distrust me, and unfortunately I've had so many negative experiences due to "unintentional" asd traits which caused unnecessary emotional pain. I don't understand the lack of trust, gratitude and respect after putting out so much effort over years.
@@ckfodel You seem.very nice and no doubt your partner is challenging.Only u can decide whether to go on with them..either way it's nobody's fault.I expect they get exhausted masking so much and relax it with you thru familiarity leading to conflict.Ive found since retiring I'm less tired with masking at work and have the energy for my partner.Such a shame we aspies have to live a sham life but if we do not the nt world destroys us.
❤