I vividly remember how everyone looked at me in astonishment when I laughed. I also remember how impossible it was for me to understand why everyone around me was so serious, boring, tiring and dull. But between them, they seemed to be enjoying themselves in an alien language. Growing up without markers is like growing up in a vacuum. You adapt to any circumstances but you don't belong to anyone, anything, anywhere. Maybe that's why I never dreamed of becoming an astronaut. Being lost in space was not an aspiration I craved but an everyday reality I desperately wanted to escape.
Even though I was adopted into the same race, culture and ethnicity, I received no genetic markers or mirroring. I felt alien my whole life and still do.
Same here. I wish people would understand that it doesn't just affect intercountry adoptees. I didn't look, think or behave like my adoptive family and felt like an alien.
Same. The agency apparently thought it would be cute to take a baby from an 18-year-old Nancy and give her to a married 28-year-old Nancy. Never mind that my adoptive parents were brunettes with black eyes and dark complexions, very tall, and I was a strawberry blonde kid with pale blue eyes and a pasty freckled complexion, very petite. When I pointed out my mom in a crowded place, say the playground or parent-teacher night, the reaction from others was always , “No, come on. Seriously. Which one’s REALLY your mom??” And don’t get me started on the non-physical differences!!
I was adopted as a baby by White parents and I'm Asian. I grew up around other races and got teased a lot, even by other minorities. I always thought similarities between family members was so fascinating. A few years ago I met my birth family in Korea. I thought my life would change, I thought I'd move there and everything would be great. I lived with them for about 6 months before I had to come back to America. I wanted to fit in and I thought I'd finally feel like I belonged somewhere, but I almost wish I never met them at all. I still don't feel like I fit in anywhere with anyone no matter how much they try to include me. I feel an affinity and bond towards my birth family that I never did with my adopted parents (who were neglectful and abusive anyway), but it's way too late for me to integrate with them. We're still in touch, but it feels like more of am obligation..I think they are especially obligated because of Korean culture is centered around family. This just makes it feel worse, but I'm going along with it. Maybe they're really trying. It was interesting to see the similarities between my birth family and myself and the nature versus nurture aspects of being adopted, but at the end of the day I'm against adoption. I would never dream of adopting a kid and people that adopt and say they love them the same as their own kid, they don't know what it's like and they're doing it for themselves to be virtuous. That's great you're adopting a kid who would otherwise be in foster care, dead, or on the street, but don't be insulting by saying it's the same thing. It is not.
I understand deeply. You are caught between 2 cultures and don't know where you belong. It is important to be part of an adoption community, where you are acknowledged and embraced. I highly recommend you join us at one of our next support groups here: celiacenter.org/events-calendar-support-groups/
@Based_Gigachad_001 I'm not saying that being virtuous is the only reason some people adopt. I know plenty of people want to adopt because they can't have kids naturally. But for me, knowing all of my different parents, there's definitely a different kind of bond. Not acknowledging that is sparing feelings and disregarding what is the truth for a lot of people, including me. I'm guessing you're someone who adopted kids, but you were not adopted.
My adoptive father once sat me down and explained how he was taller than my grandfather and my grandfather was taller than my great grandfather... Needless to say I was much shorter than my adoptive father. Adoptive agencies do not prepare aparents for the reality that they are not getting a little version of them.
That's how I felt growing up in an extended Scottish family, everybody had brown hair and blue or grey eyes and were quite short. I was this tall gangly blonde boy with hazel eyes. My adopted dads family were even darker. I realised as a teenager my parents resented my appearance, woe betide any of their friends who remarked that I was a good looking boy. The first time I met my natural mother, I realised we had the same eye colour and eyebrow shape, but it was my wife who remarked on it first. Now I have 3 sons, all six footers and we all have the same deep voices, and my daughter and half sister look like sisters.
even adoptees who dont want to or cant meet their birth parents often become overwhelmed with emotion when they give birth to their own child too. at least, thats what ive heard many times in adoptee circles im part of. they get so excited "its my mini me!" and i feel a pang of hope that i can also experience that one day.
What a horrible disgusting thing to say about your child. Like that child is an object that will be an exact copy of them. As adopted adult children they should know better.
Ma’am, you need to be aware of the fact that that situation may not turn out the way that you want, and to be honest, focusing on what you’re going to get out of it is probably not going to turn out either. We need to stop telling adoptees and doctors that reunification is the only way they will be happy It kills people and it is 100% untrue.
im also adopted but i dont want childeren. But i remember when my best friend had her baby i was very emotional because i was jealous/hurt that her baby looked like both parents. then i remembered i would never know who i looked like
Yes, I did meet my bio fam but having my own child blew me, and still blows me away. Not only are we identical looking at various ages, we are such similar personalities. She's wilder and braver. It really is my first experience at having a real family generically and I am very much aware of how different that felt to being adopted and having that (also very valid and meaningful ) love
I was born in prison to an afro puerto rican mother and then adopted into a white household. Italian adoptive mom and Scottish adoptive father, they loved me but parented me through their white experience and would basically gaslight me anytime I tried to talk about my experiences as a person of color. They would act shocked or they would just deny my reality. My complexion is much lighter than my bio mother's, however most folks clearly identify me as brown or a mixed heritage, my parents could never hold that reality with me. I remember as a teenager constantly looking up images of actors who I considered resembled me or my heritage, now as I'm older I realize that was my need for genetic mirroring. I didn't even know what genetic mirroring was nor was I familiar with the term until 1 day through healing work with myself the word just popped into my spirit and I began to look into it. It shows our true selves are reaching out to be seen and heal, I have struggled to like myself and accept myself and finding community has always been something that drove my needs.
Thank you for sharing. You are not alone. You might want to watch this training I do for parents on transracial adoption- you will feel seen, heard and received. Your reality is real. Watch here: bit.ly/3VxKo79
I didn't realize how much this affected me until I had my daughter. The first time I saw myself in another... traits, eyes.... someone who looks like me. My daughter is almost 15 and everyday I find myself greatful and full of love when I look at her. I don't feel so alone. I am blessed to have known my birth family for the last 26 years, they lived in another state when i was growing up. As I've grown and connect more with my birth mother finding the connections as simple as adhd symptoms, sense of humor, quirks, so much more, gives my soul something that i knew i was missing growing up. I love talking with my birth family and laughing "that's where I get it!" When people tell me I look like my birth mother it fills me with so much positivity and love. Who knew something as simple as mirrior has such a massive impact. Thank you for this video.
3:23 "you must feel so good about that"? i absolutely do not. my parents abused me. my mother wanted to either abort me or put me up for adoption but was guilt-tripped out of it. she never truly bonded with me and resented my very existence and took out her dissatisfaction on me. my father only wanted a miniature version of himself and hated when i acted like a sentient human instead of just a sack of his genetic material. i've cried in front of my bathroom mirror several times before, because all i could see were my abusers' features staring back at me. there certainly are struggles to not having that genetic mirror. but it feels inaccurate and dismissive to say that the mirror is always a good thing.
These people are obsessed with genetics and DNA, and literally think that everybody is just a mini version of their parents... Creepy and disturbing tbh.
Yes! I hate myself so much because in every little thing about me I see something from them. I inherited the same maladaptive coping mechanisms that caused them to hurt me, I'm working on myself so hard, but I still fail sometimes and see the monster shining through the identity I so carefully built to not become like them. The sense of belonging is somewhat there, but in my case it's not a good thing. And it's really better to live with people who you do not feel like you belong to, but they at least treat you like a human being.
I resent (hate) my parents too, but I guess having something to hate is better than having nothing at all and spend or life wondering. and also I can know that I got my eyes from my grampa whom I never have anytime with to create any hate or resentment.
Thank you for sharing. Being with other adoptees is crucial for your healing process. This is a lifelong journey. Join our Free Support Groups here: Adult Adoptee Support Group- Virtual celia-center-adoption-constellation.mn.co/landing/plans/307068
Thank you for this wonderful and clear explanation, which no doubt will help many adoptees like myself. Not sure why it takes an 'adoptee' psychotherapist to get the significance of this where others don't.
Thank you for another interesting video. I think another reason why genetic mirroring is valuable is that it reflects a kind of family resemblance which may provide many benefits for the "family dynamic." For example, it's plausible that family resemblance allows us to more accurately infer the mental states behind our (genetic) family member's behaviour, and thus make more sense of that behaviour. And I think that is especially valuable for a child in terms of their overall developmental trajectory.
As an intercountry adoptee from India to USA and adopted to a white conservative and racist family was nothing but abuse. I knew immediately this wasn't my family I'm fully estranged now. Not having a racial mirror has hit me to my core all my life to not know anyone I look like. I don't feel like I belong here and always feel like an alien. It's very isolating to not have a racial mirror.
Hi, can you please point me in the direction of where to find some scientific research about genetic mirroring? I would love to read more information about this, how was it discovered and how it works. Thank you
Hi! Thank you for watching! You will be surprised to know that there is no research!!! I found two articles that I cited information from to make this video. And added the mirroring exercise from an adoptee workshop!
There is precious little research into the impact of adoption upon the adoptee when they are adults and really have the terminology to be able to verbalize thoughts and feelings. And, sometimes the feelings are so vague and sometimes unsettling but not given words in our society that even as adults, we may not know how to really express them.
@@cherwynambuter7873 there is a TON of research on adoption that specifically looks at adults who were adopted. One of the things I study as a sociology PhD student is international adoption and it’s effects on health. I’m also an international adoptee from Romania
@@aliioana8586 Thank you for replying to my question, Ali, and for pointing this out. In fact, in recent weeks I've happened upon quite a bit of research into adopted adults. It seems we just need to know where to find it. I've signed up for a notification service from the website Semantic Scholar and it has been wondrously astounding to see how much is actually out there!
As an adoptee that went to a different race and culture I can understand this dilemma that many (if not all) adoptees face. I can relate to the loss of identity that we face, even and maybe especially, once we meet our birth family. We don't belong to either world. I say all this to say, I dont like seeing all of this anti-adoption conversation. It's far from a black and white issue. We are all faced with difficulties in our lives, ours may be unique in some ways, but I am always grateful that my mother choose to give my sister and I up for adoption, rather than have abortions. I have negative feelings towards adoption, but I tread lightly on bringing these issues to light, for I dont want to dissuade those looking to adopt. I do feel honest conversations need to be had in order to possibly make adoption easier for the adoptees (if only for some).
Thank you for sharing. Being with other adoptees is crucial for our collective healing process. This is a lifelong journey. You belong with other adoptees. You are not alone. Join our Free Support Groups here: Adult Adoptee Support Group- Virtual celia-center-adoption-constellation.mn.co/landing/plans/307068
I found my birthmother's family pre-DNA test days - good old fashioned snooping & detective work (closed records Michigan). I found my aunt on Myspace (I know😊) and saw one photo of her and was stunned we looked so much alike & just were alike. She's only 6 years older than me.
as much as I love all things Italian, as an English-Scottish-Irish-Nth European (biologically), it really did affect me negatively that my own face (and personality characteristics) were not reflected back to me (I was adopted by Italians). I felt displaced all of my life, and it's only now that I'm securing a better sense of my true cultural-genetic identity that I;ve gone NO contact. It's still hard. I felt a false biology of sorts was Imposed onto me.... I had to assume an identity as an Italian. I call it Crocodile Dundee vs Pavarotti.... none are better than the other (I do not wish to be racist towards Italians) but they are markedly different in personal characteristics across a range of fronts. A friend of mine whom is clever (he holds a PhD and is very interested in science) pointed me to the research that shows you are more attracted to biological relatives... and indeed, the interests of my bio parents match mine, while the interests of adoptive family in no way matched apart from music. A human experiment gone wrong.
Thank you for sharing. You have had to deal with an imposed identity, feeling like an "imposter" at times. Focus on reacculteration - find your culture and anew!
Really? I grew up knowing only my Dutch family and my father is from Southern Italy, and yes we differ on lots of characteristics including behavioral, emotionally and phenotypically. Your story seems to indicate more than just the genetic mirroring part, but also resentment towards your adoptive parents in how you were treated or how they made you feel. You almost talk as if you're a product of an egg and/or sperm donation. Could you elaborate on the piece of your comment where you say: ''Italians differ on personal characteristics on lots of fronts''?
@Based_Gigachad_001 How much does manufactured international conflicts and migrational disruption lead to disruption in families? How many millions of dollars are made through this?
@Based_Gigachad_001 Why do they need a home? Because our Western civilization is broken from top to bottom. Do you think Native Americans in their communities would give away their newborns so the mother could go have a better life?
@Based_Gigachad_001 I can guess that Native children weren't volintarily given away to strangers to raise. Stripped of their identity and ancestors. Because it's been around forever doesn't make it right.
This video is brilliant my younger sister is adopted and I'm a biological child, I didn't know how she felt and I still fully will never know, but the excercise with the mirror was scary, I feel so sorry for her, that migth be the cause of her gender dysphoria. How can we siblings help?
Maybe try and be there for her. If she sees your trying maybe she will open up to you. I'm sn adoptee transracial. I have a 5 year older sister. She never asked me about my adoption, she doesn't know of my struggles of being adopted.
Thank you for sharing. Being with other adoptees is crucial for an adoptees healing process. This is a lifelong journey. Please give her this information for our Free Support Groups: Adult Adoptee Support Group- Virtual celia-center-adoption-constellation.mn.co/landing/plans/307068
Great to know this.... but..... how the heck do we find ourselves and heal this stored trauma and develop a sustaining sense of identity for ourselves as an adult?
Spiritual and Personal Development have allowed me to see me for me regardless of any labels and looking for external forces. While yes I'm adopted it hasn't defined my life as such but knowing the underlying possible reasons behind depression and anxiety have helped to heal and release much of the grief that was hidden for so many years.
Thank you for sharing. Being with other adoptees is crucial for your healing process. This is a lifelong journey. Join our Free Support Groups here: Adult Adoptee Support Group- Virtual celia-center-adoption-constellation.mn.co/landing/plans/307068
Hi Kelvin. I validate and know how many feelings this video must have brought up for you. Grief and loss and more grief and loss. THIS VIDEO IS NOT MEANT FOR ADOPTEES but for all those around us, to help them understand who we FEEL INSIDE. Please join a support group with us and share your feelings with adoptees. You are not alone. Please email me at info@celiacenter.org to be put on the Adoptee Support Group email list!
This is a difficult video for adoptees because it speaks to our collective loss. This is important for parents- first mothers and fathers who refuse reunion and for adoptive parents to see why we need to know our families of origin.
@@Jeanette-icallySpeaking you clearly spend the entirety of the discussion on adoptees not wanting to/not being able to meet their biological families ignoring the fact that we were given up for adoption FOR A REASON. People who give birth and then give their babies up have no obligation and should never have an obligation to face the person. Likewise, i as the adoptee do not ever want to meet my biological family. I spent my first three years in a horrific Romanian orphanage. I have no desire to retraumatize the woman who was forced to give me up. I also couldn’t find her even if I wanted to. Holt International destroyed all Romanian adoption records back in the late 1990s when Romania closed it adoptions to foreign countries. It’s critical for you to realize that biology actually doesn’t hold the amount of power you give it. We have a cortex, which means the social world is significantly more impactful on us than a set of genes we happen to possess.
@aliioana8586 I feel like this is a bit of a defence mechanism on your part because you have to (you're forced to) accept the fact that you might not ever meet your biological family. So you're defensive by way just trying to cope with what life is throwing at you. But I believe it's still important to address and acknowledge the loss. Especially if you're struggling.
@@aliioana8586 I was adopted not because my parents couldn't keep me but because my unmarried mother was isolated and coerced into it. My unmarried father was not consulted and was prevented from seeing me. They married one week after my mother signed the consent form yet my maternal family was still unable to get me back, so don't assume that adoption only occurs because the genetic parents couldn't keep the child. Adoption involves trading a child's legal identity and heritage for a nurturing environment, which isn't always provided. The child is a commodity and typically has no say in the contract, but is bound by it for life (as are their descendants) unless they are able to get the adoption discharged, which is difficult. Why should a child have to trade his/her identity and heritage to get a safe, nurturing environment? Why should they be bound by a contract they never negotiated, consented to, or signed? The truth is that adoption is primarily about serving the psychological and emotional needs of the adoptive mother. The psychological and emotional needs of the child are always secondary and often not met. That is why adoption is inherently evil. I do not say the same about fostering.
@@despaversailles You are assuming that adopted kids all come from abusive environments, which is not the case. Adoption itself is a trauma that can do lifelong psychological damage to a child, even if they are raised in the ideal adoptive family. I know because I have complex PTSD from just such an experience. I am sick of all the bs adoptees get from ignorant know-it-alls when they express an opinion about adoption.
@@user-kx7oi9co6w I've never said all adopted people come from abusive families, but yes, there are cases like this too. The biggest bs from the anti adoption crew is to pretend that all bio families are inherently good, they just only need money / support and everyone will be fine, every families should be together just because of blood and DNA, and only just the evil, very bad adoptive parents abuse their children... Oh, and those adopted people who dare to feel alright are just in the so called "fog" if they don't share this agenda, they should be angry and bitter. For you guys everyone is invalid if they aren't traumatized by their adoption. Blood doesn't make family, some people truly don't want to parent, and you can't force them do to so just because in the name of blood. The same goes to where the parents are abusive as hell, where the child goes to the CPS to ask them to remove him / her from that home (yeah, i personally now a case like this). On the other hand this agenda totally ignores disabled adoptees, who were put up for adoption from stable homes just because first parents were ableist (yes, our whole society is ableist as hell). This whole agenda is just for people whose parents were poor, coerced etc., but absolutely doesn't give a f about abusive bio families, parents who just simply don't want to parent (not, it's not that rare), ableist first parents, where there isn't such a thing as extended family, etc.
LOOK FOR THE POSITIVES THAT CAME OUT OF IT ALL. THEY R THERE IF YOU LOOK HARD ENOUGH. MAYBE THE WHOLE XPERIENCE MADE YOU A MORE INDEPENDENT, AUTONOMOUS....SPIRITED.....STRONG BEING!
You assume that because adoptees are expressing their lived experiences with life-long pain that we don’t also have awareness of and gratitude for the positives of our lives (those of us who weren’t abused or neglected). You have just perpetuated the harmful stereotype of “thankless adoptee” or “angry adoptee”, etc. We are humans who are capable of feeling both gratitude for good AND deep pain and grief. Thanks to ignorant people like yourself, no matter your good intentions, we have had our voices of pain silenced and shamed. This has deepened our sense of not belonging, not being heard, and of our feelings and lived experiences not mattering to others. The toxic positivity is exasperating. Please stop before you cause more harm. And, be decent enough to say you’re sorry.
I vividly remember how everyone looked at me in astonishment when I laughed. I also remember how impossible it was for me to understand why everyone around me was so serious, boring, tiring and dull. But between them, they seemed to be enjoying themselves in an alien language.
Growing up without markers is like growing up in a vacuum. You adapt to any circumstances but you don't belong to anyone, anything, anywhere. Maybe that's why I never dreamed of becoming an astronaut. Being lost in space was not an aspiration I craved but an everyday reality I desperately wanted to escape.
Even though I was adopted into the same race, culture and ethnicity, I received no genetic markers or mirroring. I felt alien my whole life and still do.
The world doesn't understand how isolating this feels for us. I hope some day you meet members of your family of origin!
Yes, it can be something hard to understand as a child.
Same here. I wish people would understand that it doesn't just affect intercountry adoptees. I didn't look, think or behave like my adoptive family and felt like an alien.
Me too ❤️🩹
Same. The agency apparently thought it would be cute to take a baby from an 18-year-old Nancy and give her to a married 28-year-old Nancy. Never mind that my adoptive parents were brunettes with black eyes and dark complexions, very tall, and I was a strawberry blonde kid with pale blue eyes and a pasty freckled complexion, very petite.
When I pointed out my mom in a crowded place, say the playground or parent-teacher night, the reaction from others was always , “No, come on. Seriously. Which one’s REALLY your mom??”
And don’t get me started on the non-physical differences!!
I was adopted as a baby by White parents and I'm Asian. I grew up around other races and got teased a lot, even by other minorities. I always thought similarities between family members was so fascinating. A few years ago I met my birth family in Korea. I thought my life would change, I thought I'd move there and everything would be great. I lived with them for about 6 months before I had to come back to America. I wanted to fit in and I thought I'd finally feel like I belonged somewhere, but I almost wish I never met them at all. I still don't feel like I fit in anywhere with anyone no matter how much they try to include me. I feel an affinity and bond towards my birth family that I never did with my adopted parents (who were neglectful and abusive anyway), but it's way too late for me to integrate with them. We're still in touch, but it feels like more of am obligation..I think they are especially obligated because of Korean culture is centered around family. This just makes it feel worse, but I'm going along with it. Maybe they're really trying. It was interesting to see the similarities between my birth family and myself and the nature versus nurture aspects of being adopted, but at the end of the day I'm against adoption. I would never dream of adopting a kid and people that adopt and say they love them the same as their own kid, they don't know what it's like and they're doing it for themselves to be virtuous. That's great you're adopting a kid who would otherwise be in foster care, dead, or on the street, but don't be insulting by saying it's the same thing. It is not.
I understand deeply. You are caught between 2 cultures and don't know where you belong. It is important to be part of an adoption community, where you are acknowledged and embraced. I highly recommend you join us at one of our next support groups here: celiacenter.org/events-calendar-support-groups/
@Based_Gigachad_001 I'm not saying that being virtuous is the only reason some people adopt. I know plenty of people want to adopt because they can't have kids naturally. But for me, knowing all of my different parents, there's definitely a different kind of bond. Not acknowledging that is sparing feelings and disregarding what is the truth for a lot of people, including me. I'm guessing you're someone who adopted kids, but you were not adopted.
People that are “genetic throwbacks” don’t resemble their bio parents and families. They resemble a long forgotten ancestor but feel like a misfit too
My adoptive father once sat me down and explained how he was taller than my grandfather and my grandfather was taller than my great grandfather... Needless to say I was much shorter than my adoptive father. Adoptive agencies do not prepare aparents for the reality that they are not getting a little version of them.
True. Embracing our differences is key to parenting an adoptee. We are not from the same cloth.
That's how I felt growing up in an extended Scottish family, everybody had brown hair and blue or grey eyes and were quite short. I was this tall gangly blonde boy with hazel eyes. My adopted dads family were even darker. I realised as a teenager my parents resented my appearance, woe betide any of their friends who remarked that I was a good looking boy. The first time I met my natural mother, I realised we had the same eye colour and eyebrow shape, but it was my wife who remarked on it first. Now I have 3 sons, all six footers and we all have the same deep voices, and my daughter and half sister look like sisters.
even adoptees who dont want to or cant meet their birth parents often become overwhelmed with emotion when they give birth to their own child too. at least, thats what ive heard many times in adoptee circles im part of. they get so excited "its my mini me!" and i feel a pang of hope that i can also experience that one day.
What a horrible disgusting thing to say about your child.
Like that child is an object that will be an exact copy of them.
As adopted adult children they should know better.
Ma’am, you need to be aware of the fact that that situation may not turn out the way that you want, and to be honest, focusing on what you’re going to get out of it is probably not going to turn out either.
We need to stop telling adoptees and doctors that reunification is the only way they will be happy
It kills people and it is 100% untrue.
im also adopted but i dont want childeren. But i remember when my best friend had her baby i was very emotional because i was jealous/hurt that her baby looked like both parents. then i remembered i would never know who i looked like
Yes, I did meet my bio fam but having my own child blew me, and still blows me away. Not only are we identical looking at various ages, we are such similar personalities. She's wilder and braver. It really is my first experience at having a real family generically and I am very much aware of how different that felt to being adopted and having that (also very valid and meaningful ) love
I was born in prison to an afro puerto rican mother and then adopted into a white household. Italian adoptive mom and Scottish adoptive father, they loved me but parented me through their white experience and would basically gaslight me anytime I tried to talk about my experiences as a person of color. They would act shocked or they would just deny my reality. My complexion is much lighter than my bio mother's, however most folks clearly identify me as brown or a mixed heritage, my parents could never hold that reality with me. I remember as a teenager constantly looking up images of actors who I considered resembled me or my heritage, now as I'm older I realize that was my need for genetic mirroring. I didn't even know what genetic mirroring was nor was I familiar with the term until 1 day through healing work with myself the word just popped into my spirit and I began to look into it. It shows our true selves are reaching out to be seen and heal, I have struggled to like myself and accept myself and finding community has always been something that drove my needs.
Thank you for sharing. You are not alone. You might want to watch this training I do for parents on transracial adoption- you will feel seen, heard and received. Your reality is real. Watch here: bit.ly/3VxKo79
@@Jeanette-icallySpeaking thank you for your work, I'm excited to watch this! Much appreciated
@Based_Gigachad_001that doesn’t change the fact that children are not untouched piles of dough when they show up to their adoptive home.
Ignorant.
Ah man. Your story touched my heart
I didn't realize how much this affected me until I had my daughter. The first time I saw myself in another... traits, eyes.... someone who looks like me. My daughter is almost 15 and everyday I find myself greatful and full of love when I look at her. I don't feel so alone.
I am blessed to have known my birth family for the last 26 years, they lived in another state when i was growing up. As I've grown and connect more with my birth mother finding the connections as simple as adhd symptoms, sense of humor, quirks, so much more, gives my soul something that i knew i was missing growing up. I love talking with my birth family and laughing "that's where I get it!" When people tell me I look like my birth mother it fills me with so much positivity and love. Who knew something as simple as mirrior has such a massive impact.
Thank you for this video.
Thank you for giving this a name
I had the same experience when my son was born. It was the first time I saw eyes like mine.
3:23 "you must feel so good about that"? i absolutely do not. my parents abused me. my mother wanted to either abort me or put me up for adoption but was guilt-tripped out of it. she never truly bonded with me and resented my very existence and took out her dissatisfaction on me. my father only wanted a miniature version of himself and hated when i acted like a sentient human instead of just a sack of his genetic material. i've cried in front of my bathroom mirror several times before, because all i could see were my abusers' features staring back at me.
there certainly are struggles to not having that genetic mirror. but it feels inaccurate and dismissive to say that the mirror is always a good thing.
Finally someone! Thank you!
These people are obsessed with genetics and DNA, and literally think that everybody is just a mini version of their parents... Creepy and disturbing tbh.
Yes! I hate myself so much because in every little thing about me I see something from them. I inherited the same maladaptive coping mechanisms that caused them to hurt me, I'm working on myself so hard, but I still fail sometimes and see the monster shining through the identity I so carefully built to not become like them. The sense of belonging is somewhat there, but in my case it's not a good thing. And it's really better to live with people who you do not feel like you belong to, but they at least treat you like a human being.
I resent (hate) my parents too, but I guess having something to hate is better than having nothing at all and spend or life wondering. and also I can know that I got my eyes from my grampa whom I never have anytime with to create any hate or resentment.
Thank you for sharing. Being with other adoptees is crucial for your healing process. This is a lifelong journey. Join our Free Support Groups here: Adult Adoptee Support Group- Virtual
celia-center-adoption-constellation.mn.co/landing/plans/307068
Wow thank you so much for this video!! I am a late discovery adoptee, this is so deep!!
I would recommend to do some research on how buddhists think about the identity, the self/soul
Super validating, thank you.
You're very welcome
Thank you for this wonderful and clear explanation, which no doubt will help many adoptees like myself. Not sure why it takes an 'adoptee' psychotherapist to get the significance of this where others don't.
Because nobody wants to have their ‘good deed’ spoiled.
It’s disgusting.
Thank you for another interesting video. I think another reason why genetic mirroring is valuable is that it reflects a kind of family resemblance which may provide many benefits for the "family dynamic." For example, it's plausible that family resemblance allows us to more accurately infer the mental states behind our (genetic) family member's behaviour, and thus make more sense of that behaviour. And I think that is especially valuable for a child in terms of their overall developmental trajectory.
As an intercountry adoptee from India to USA and adopted to a white conservative and racist family was nothing but abuse. I knew immediately this wasn't my family
I'm fully estranged now. Not having a racial mirror has hit me to my core all my life to not know anyone I look like. I don't feel like I belong here and always feel like an alien. It's very isolating to not have a racial mirror.
Don't give up 👍💪 your story counts and so do you. You're doing the best you can 💪
Hi, can you please point me in the direction of where to find some scientific research about genetic mirroring? I would love to read more information about this, how was it discovered and how it works. Thank you
Hi! Thank you for watching! You will be surprised to know that there is no research!!! I found two articles that I cited information from to make this video. And added the mirroring exercise from an adoptee workshop!
There is precious little research into the impact of adoption upon the adoptee when they are adults and really have the terminology to be able to verbalize thoughts and feelings. And, sometimes the feelings are so vague and sometimes unsettling but not given words in our society that even as adults, we may not know how to really express them.
@@cherwynambuter7873 there is a TON of research on adoption that specifically looks at adults who were adopted. One of the things I study as a sociology PhD student is international adoption and it’s effects on health. I’m also an international adoptee from Romania
@@aliioana8586 Thank you for replying to my question, Ali, and for pointing this out. In fact, in recent weeks I've happened upon quite a bit of research into adopted adults. It seems we just need to know where to find it. I've signed up for a notification service from the website Semantic Scholar and it has been wondrously astounding to see how much is actually out there!
@@aliioana8586If you could point me to any literature? I'm also an international Romanian adoptee.
You don't have to be an adoptee to not bond with parents. Me and my mother just didn't like each. It was like that all ours lives together.
Thank you for sharing. You are absolutely correct.
As an adoptee that went to a different race and culture I can understand this dilemma that many (if not all) adoptees face. I can relate to the loss of identity that we face, even and maybe especially, once we meet our birth family. We don't belong to either world. I say all this to say, I dont like seeing all of this anti-adoption conversation. It's far from a black and white issue. We are all faced with difficulties in our lives, ours may be unique in some ways, but I am always grateful that my mother choose to give my sister and I up for adoption, rather than have abortions. I have negative feelings towards adoption, but I tread lightly on bringing these issues to light, for I dont want to dissuade those looking to adopt. I do feel honest conversations need to be had in order to possibly make adoption easier for the adoptees (if only for some).
Thank you for sharing. Being with other adoptees is crucial for our collective healing process. This is a lifelong journey. You belong with other adoptees. You are not alone. Join our Free Support Groups here: Adult Adoptee Support Group- Virtual
celia-center-adoption-constellation.mn.co/landing/plans/307068
I thought I was having a mental delusion. I keep saying I see a stranger in the mirror.
I found my birthmother's family pre-DNA test days - good old fashioned snooping & detective work (closed records Michigan). I found my aunt on Myspace (I know😊) and saw one photo of her and was stunned we looked so much alike & just were alike. She's only 6 years older than me.
as much as I love all things Italian, as an English-Scottish-Irish-Nth European (biologically), it really did affect me negatively that my own face (and personality characteristics) were not reflected back to me (I was adopted by Italians). I felt displaced all of my life, and it's only now that I'm securing a better sense of my true cultural-genetic identity that I;ve gone NO contact. It's still hard. I felt a false biology of sorts was Imposed onto me.... I had to assume an identity as an Italian. I call it Crocodile Dundee vs Pavarotti.... none are better than the other (I do not wish to be racist towards Italians) but they are markedly different in personal characteristics across a range of fronts. A friend of mine whom is clever (he holds a PhD and is very interested in science) pointed me to the research that shows you are more attracted to biological relatives... and indeed, the interests of my bio parents match mine, while the interests of adoptive family in no way matched apart from music. A human experiment gone wrong.
Thank you for sharing. You have had to deal with an imposed identity, feeling like an "imposter" at times. Focus on reacculteration - find your culture and anew!
Really? I grew up knowing only my Dutch family and my father is from Southern Italy, and yes we differ on lots of characteristics including behavioral, emotionally and phenotypically. Your story seems to indicate more than just the genetic mirroring part, but also resentment towards your adoptive parents in how you were treated or how they made you feel. You almost talk as if you're a product of an egg and/or sperm donation. Could you elaborate on the piece of your comment where you say: ''Italians differ on personal characteristics on lots of fronts''?
That’s sounds like you cut off your adoptive parents because of their race.
Thats kind of sad.
@@Jeanette-icallySpeaking this is racist and you’re encouraging it.
Let's face it, adoption is a nightmare.
@Based_Gigachad_001 The question is, how did they end up in orphanages to begin with?
@Based_Gigachad_001 How much does manufactured international conflicts and migrational disruption lead to disruption in families?
How many millions of dollars are made through this?
@Based_Gigachad_001 Why do they need a home? Because our Western civilization is broken from top to bottom.
Do you think Native Americans in their communities would give away their newborns so the mother could go have a better life?
@Based_Gigachad_001 I can guess that Native children weren't volintarily given away to strangers to raise. Stripped of their identity and ancestors.
Because it's been around forever doesn't make it right.
This video is brilliant my younger sister is adopted and I'm a biological child, I didn't know how she felt and I still fully will never know, but the excercise with the mirror was scary, I feel so sorry for her, that migth be the cause of her gender dysphoria. How can we siblings help?
Maybe try and be there for her. If she sees your trying maybe she will open up to you. I'm sn adoptee transracial. I have a 5 year older sister. She never asked me about my adoption, she doesn't know of my struggles of being adopted.
Thank you for sharing. Being with other adoptees is crucial for an adoptees healing process. This is a lifelong journey. Please give her this information for our Free Support Groups: Adult Adoptee Support Group- Virtual
celia-center-adoption-constellation.mn.co/landing/plans/307068
Yes, "adapters" - I love this term. It can be exhausting.
Yes we are adaptees !
Great to know this.... but..... how the heck do we find ourselves and heal this stored trauma and develop a sustaining sense of identity for ourselves as an adult?
I've been doing Dr. Joe Dispenza Meditations and Limbic Healing Meditations. They help, but daily life is still a challenge.
Spiritual and Personal Development have allowed me to see me for me regardless of any labels and looking for external forces. While yes I'm adopted it hasn't defined my life as such but knowing the underlying possible reasons behind depression and anxiety have helped to heal and release much of the grief that was hidden for so many years.
Thank you for sharing. Being with other adoptees is crucial for your healing process. This is a lifelong journey. Join our Free Support Groups here: Adult Adoptee Support Group- Virtual
celia-center-adoption-constellation.mn.co/landing/plans/307068
Very well said
White adoptee experience this also watching this brang up so many emotions I felt sick
Hi Kelvin. I validate and know how many feelings this video must have brought up for you. Grief and loss and more grief and loss. THIS VIDEO IS NOT MEANT FOR ADOPTEES but for all those around us, to help them understand who we FEEL INSIDE. Please join a support group with us and share your feelings with adoptees. You are not alone. Please email me at info@celiacenter.org to be put on the Adoptee Support Group email list!
How does this talk help adoptees who have not and will never meet their biological families?
This is a difficult video for adoptees because it speaks to our collective loss. This is important for parents- first mothers and fathers who refuse reunion and for adoptive parents to see why we need to know our families of origin.
The help is in acknowledging their struggles, giving it a name.
@@Jeanette-icallySpeaking you clearly spend the entirety of the discussion on adoptees not wanting to/not being able to meet their biological families ignoring the fact that we were given up for adoption FOR A REASON. People who give birth and then give their babies up have no obligation and should never have an obligation to face the person. Likewise, i as the adoptee do not ever want to meet my biological family. I spent my first three years in a horrific Romanian orphanage. I have no desire to retraumatize the woman who was forced to give me up. I also couldn’t find her even if I wanted to. Holt International destroyed all Romanian adoption records back in the late 1990s when Romania closed it adoptions to foreign countries. It’s critical for you to realize that biology actually doesn’t hold the amount of power you give it. We have a cortex, which means the social world is significantly more impactful on us than a set of genes we happen to possess.
It was just painfull to watch!
The mirror's moment was rude and unnecessary!
@aliioana8586 I feel like this is a bit of a defence mechanism on your part because you have to (you're forced to) accept the fact that you might not ever meet your biological family. So you're defensive by way just trying to cope with what life is throwing at you. But I believe it's still important to address and acknowledge the loss. Especially if you're struggling.
Had the adoptive parents not dropped me like a hot potato for the next best runt and an ugly ginger one at thst i msy not feel suicidal most days
Thank you keep speaking out
Adoption should not exist
So all these unwanted kids, and all the kids who are forced to be born despite the parents being unable to keep them should go where?
So abusive "families" should be forced together just because of "DNA"... 🥴 Fed up with this anti adoption bs.
@@aliioana8586 I was adopted not because my parents couldn't keep me but because my unmarried mother was isolated and coerced into it. My unmarried father was not consulted and was prevented from seeing me. They married one week after my mother signed the consent form yet my maternal family was still unable to get me back, so don't assume that adoption only occurs because the genetic parents couldn't keep the child.
Adoption involves trading a child's legal identity and heritage for a nurturing environment, which isn't always provided. The child is a commodity and typically has no say in the contract, but is bound by it for life (as are their descendants) unless they are able to get the adoption discharged, which is difficult.
Why should a child have to trade his/her identity and heritage to get a safe, nurturing environment? Why should they be bound by a contract they never negotiated, consented to, or signed?
The truth is that adoption is primarily about serving the psychological and emotional needs of the adoptive mother. The psychological and emotional needs of the child are always secondary and often not met. That is why adoption is inherently evil. I do not say the same about fostering.
@@despaversailles You are assuming that adopted kids all come from abusive environments, which is not the case. Adoption itself is a trauma that can do lifelong psychological damage to a child, even if they are raised in the ideal adoptive family. I know because I have complex PTSD from just such an experience.
I am sick of all the bs adoptees get from ignorant know-it-alls when they express an opinion about adoption.
@@user-kx7oi9co6w I've never said all adopted people come from abusive families, but yes, there are cases like this too. The biggest bs from the anti adoption crew is to pretend that all bio families are inherently good, they just only need money / support and everyone will be fine, every families should be together just because of blood and DNA, and only just the evil, very bad adoptive parents abuse their children... Oh, and those adopted people who dare to feel alright are just in the so called "fog" if they don't share this agenda, they should be angry and bitter. For you guys everyone is invalid if they aren't traumatized by their adoption. Blood doesn't make family, some people truly don't want to parent, and you can't force them do to so just because in the name of blood. The same goes to where the parents are abusive as hell, where the child goes to the CPS to ask them to remove him / her from that home (yeah, i personally now a case like this). On the other hand this agenda totally ignores disabled adoptees, who were put up for adoption from stable homes just because first parents were ableist (yes, our whole society is ableist as hell). This whole agenda is just for people whose parents were poor, coerced etc., but absolutely doesn't give a f about abusive bio families, parents who just simply don't want to parent (not, it's not that rare), ableist first parents, where there isn't such a thing as extended family, etc.
Same goes for NPE's in a lot of cases.
Thank you for watching!
LOOK FOR THE POSITIVES THAT CAME OUT OF IT ALL. THEY R THERE IF YOU LOOK HARD ENOUGH. MAYBE THE WHOLE XPERIENCE MADE YOU A MORE INDEPENDENT, AUTONOMOUS....SPIRITED.....STRONG BEING!
🤣🤣🤣😴
You assume that because adoptees are expressing their lived experiences with life-long pain that we don’t also have awareness of and gratitude for the positives of our lives (those of us who weren’t abused or neglected). You have just perpetuated the harmful stereotype of “thankless adoptee” or “angry adoptee”, etc. We are humans who are capable of feeling both gratitude for good AND deep pain and grief. Thanks to ignorant people like yourself, no matter your good intentions, we have had our voices of pain silenced and shamed. This has deepened our sense of not belonging, not being heard, and of our feelings and lived experiences not mattering to others. The toxic positivity is exasperating. Please stop before you cause more harm. And, be decent enough to say you’re sorry.
@@carolwilliams7354
PREACH.
BS and why you got a ❤ on your comment stops me from joining/subscribing. ( I am used to not being missed; so don't bother! )
This video is very triggering and cruel.
i’m an adoptee and i found it very helpful to put a name to what i’m experiencing. something being upsetting doesn’t mean its cruel
@@renacleerican7824🤦🏽♀️apparently you still have some more growing to do my dear
@@juliafru7522 yep. Who doesnt. You?🙄