Best advice I ever got was from my women's minster in college: you're not allowed to mad at someone for not reading your mind. In other words, if you haven't told them what you want/need, it's not fair to blame them for not knowing.
Two relationship advices I really took to heart are: 2) Everyone fights and whoever you choose you will have shitty times. But it's easier to have shitty times with someone who understands your Monty Python reference. (By my dad, we're big fans of MP if you can't tell) 2) "find a person who loves you for exactly what you are. Good mood, bad mood, ugly, pretty, handsome, what have you, the right person is still going to think the sun shines out your ass." (From the film Juno)
A friend from school told me this and it changed my perspective- I was single and frustrated and she asked me "Do you want a relationship or are you in love with the idea of a relationship?" Some experience later I realised what she meant and how important it was to value singledom and to not overly romanticise the idea of being in a relationship.
This is a very difficult lesson to learn, especially if you're also a romantic. Similar growth has resulted in me becoming a realistic romantic instead of a hopeless romantic. Still fantasize about stuff cuz that's just who I am, but it's realistic now. I also enjoy myself and my time alone cuz I am cool & fun! It's a happy medium and I hope everyone can reach their own happy medium 💚
If you are not happy with yourself, you will not be happy with anyone else either and it is unfair to expect that of someone.... So many people are just in relationships for the sake of it, even if unhappy they are so sure it is better then nothing... As long as that mindset persists, I do not think they are capable to find happyness
I know the perfect relationship. They did not start as the most infectuated romantic couple... They got together because they suited each other and with every day and week they fall more and more in love with each other. Right from the start they where super high on communication and because they where not that "infectuated and invested" to make it work at all cost, they actually felt free enough to establish open communication instead of looking away when something was amiss out of fear to mess it up. They talk everything through, they take nothing personal, they are zero jalouse, like not even in the slightest and they are so perfectly adorable with each other where it suits them. They share a lot of interests but are totaly fine, to have different ones too. They have few arguments ans always find a resolution and compromise or well, what went wrong and how can we make it better. I am in awe of what they got together. Way more mature then most couples of our parents generation I know.... They both made the best of the extreamly toxic relationships they where in before and its just a really beautiful thing to see.
I love this, they're really mature it seems. I always find it interesting to read comics where the parties are so emotionally detached that they can communicate about anything and not feel jealous or self-conscious about anything. They accept reality and work with and around it. I try to stay objective around issues in my own relationship, but it seems the more vulnerable and emotionally invested i get, the more self-conscious and insecure i get too. I have full faith I'll be able to get to a point where I can accept reality for what it is and work with it, but it's definitely a journey.
@@freddyjafar1490 not that many, like a few short lived kiddi relationships and then both in a very toxic longterm relationship of several years.... My friend had maybe one serious relationship before that one, with her fiance I don't know but given both got together with their toxic exes when still ins school... They are now 27 and I guess 25 or 24 together for maybe 5 years?
@@shamstam they are with that and it awes me again and again, for they are supper romantic and sweet with each other now. What makes it so astonishing, both are quite sensetiv and easely put of in other regards! It's just... They feel very safe and secure with each other, that it just does not feel like an attack if one says what she is not happy with. That level of trust and comfort is hard to earn, but so worth it!
The advice I value a lot is about arguing/fitghting the right way. Know and Never (never) touch in an argument your partner's insecurities and sore points.
I received very similar advice from my mum, in a sense. She said not to look for a perfect match or a perfect relationship because such thing does not exists. The key is communication. There's gonna be some kind of crisis in every relationship, whether it is illness, lie, lover or something else. Look for a person that would like to fight alongside you against hardships. You and your partner must be the most important people to eachother. Not parents or children, because parents will eventually die and children will leave home. And at some point you both will be old, and ugly and all you'll have left is good memories and your frendship. TL;dr: love is a choice, be MVP for eachother, learn to communicate, be honest, sex is important but not the most important. Obligatory sorry for bad english :)
You don't need to apologize for your English. Even those of us born to the language don't speak it perfectly. You communicate clearly and well. And that's what language is for. :-)
If you would tell a friend to walk away from their relationship in a certain situation, you should have enough self respect to walk away from yours if you're ever in the same one.
What you said in this video is really close to something I heard before. It really is great advice. Sadly, my then-husband wasn't interested in applying any of it, because everything that went wrong was supposedly my fault. Which brings me to my contribution of "best advice." *Accept that sometimes, it's Nobody's Fault, and act accordingly!* *Some people were raised with the idea that whenever something doesn't go great, it must be somebody's fault. My ex had that mindset, and I was used to being gaslit anyway... When I made the mental health progress to realize that sometimes it's nobody's fault, he took offence, thinking I was shifting blame to him. He just didn't get it. That was the beginning of the end of that toxic marriage. Keep up the good work, good sir! 🙏❤🏳🌈🏳⚧
Bro I swear you just said a line from one of my poems. I wrote it sometime in high school. More or less: Do you want more or less? Well, I want More peace, While having Less pain. I need more Kindness. To have more Kindness I need less Selfishness. So I can't Have more Without having A little less.
I grew up in a small rural town and I was crying to my dad when I was 22 about people my age getting married and I was just going to end up alone what he told me gave me a whole different view " do you really think they are going to work out?, their young and dumb." Made me start looking at romantic relationships with a long term view and look closer at my own choices in the relationship.
There's the tride and true advice, which is to treat others how you want to be treated. To go along with that, take the mistakes that someone else makes, and learn from them
In love, to be trusted enough to hear about my screw ups so I can work to fix it is just as important to me as my love understanding that I will do my best not to hurt them. It's not kind to say things are fine if they aren't fine. If you're upset and ignore it, it doesn't just go away. Would break my heart to find out I was hurting my love without realizing it. It goes both ways. And it takes time. But I want to hear it. My family didn't do this and resentment ran deep. Even if you're coming from a place of trying to help, either to not be a nuisance or make them worry it just makes things worse.
Appreciate the comment on fighting. My parents never fought and it wasn't a good thing. There was palpable bitterness as they talked bad about each other behind their backs and said it was hopeless. Stayed for a few months at a relative's house and saw they argued a lot but were much happier and loving overall. Took me a while to understand and get used to it. Grateful since it informed my future relationships - good examples are so valuable where this is concerned.
This hit home and hit hard. I've been thinking a lot lately about my past relationship, and Jono's first advice made me think we had a lot of love for each other and we expressed it in a lot of different ways. And then he said "sorry is not enough", and that hurt so much. When we had conflict, we always talked about it afterwards and made up but it was always me who tried to make things change, to leviate the burden that made him act the way he did. But, apparently, you can't do someone else's work, no matter how much you want them stop suffering and letting you down. I don't know which advice will work for me once I start dating again, but Jono said in another video that love is not enough, and that was a hard lesson to learn for me. There are things love in itself cannot fix.
Can you do a video on conflicts within family? My parents are the type of people that withdraw after conflict and don't apologize and then we do it all over again. They don't work on changing themselves. They get defensive or say "this is who I am" when I tell them how they are acting.
Maybe it would be helpful to call them out on their awful behavior and when they say "this is who I am," tell them that this is not how they are but how they actually choose to behave, and that's a difference here. But often parents feel so insecure faced with conflict where they may make mistakes, that they withdraw altogether and refuse to take any accountability for whatever they might be doing wrong. Sometimes they just don't know that you can do things the other way, cause it never really was the case for them. I once or twice wrote a letter to my mom (she is my difficult parent) when she wouldn't listen, or want to listen. I left it on her nightstand, she read it and cried, cause while she wasn't paying attention in the conversation, she did when I contained all the things that hurt me with neutral, non-blaming explanations of why, and she understood where I was coming from, and that connection this experience created really did help us work many things out. Storytime! I have a fairly good relationship with my mom, we live two hours away from each other, but it was a bumpy road during my adolescence. She evolved throughout the years but is still learning, though she's kind of stubborn with undoing her childhood traumas (which she unintentionally transferred to my own childhood, but I'm fine, cause I'm aware of that.) The other day (pretty recently) she was telling me about a fight with her partner, it was kind of dramatic and all that, but she always sees a fight as a dealbreaker or as if the relationship is over. I listened and listened, and when she was done ranting and telling me the drama, basically, I told her simply "Mom, everyone can make a mistake, you know. It's just a matter of how they make up for it and whether they are actually sorry,." Her voice got all choked and teary and she told me that when she was a kid there was no room for mistakes and that she was punished for doing something wrong, like stone-walling or being grounded for no real reason, or just emotionally abusive behaviors coming from her parents (they are lovely but has always been very strict.)
I absolutely agree with this. We're not perfect but when we make mistakes, especially when he disagree or hurt our s/o, we just have to take a moment to talk about it, how we felt and how we can find a solution together. For my gf and me, it works. We apologize when we screw up and work on it so we don't make the same mistake again. And yes, it al comes from love, from knowing that you are a team and not a solo player
Growing up grandpa always told us that sorry wasn't good enough. It was never followed up with you need to change your behavior. What we gained from gathered from that growing up is that we were not good enough as human beings because nothing was ever good enough, and that we were not forgiven or loved.
That's terrible! I tell me children sorry isn't enough all the time, but the next sentence is how to form a proper apology . I also explain why it isn't enough, how it doesn't feel like you regret your actions etc...I hope you are finding healing
Could you make a video on your advice for couples where one partner has mental health issues like depression? I feel like the perspective of the one with the disorder is often missing when you try to research this topic. But I think both perspectives matter. Is it possible to make it work through periods of depression and also through a healing process where supposedly many things change, behaviors and patterns for example. How can the one with depression show up as a partner, still participate and give or is that too much to wish for and too much pressure? How can healthy partners set boundaries and take good care of themselves? How much ghouls they know and learn about the condition? And so on.. I know it’s a big topic..
Not sure where I heard it, but I think the best advice for any human relationship is "treat others how they wish to be treated". Basically, meet people where they are. (And believe them when they tell you who they are, in the case of lgbt+ folks.)
This video was great!!! Thank you so much!!! It was well balanced and kind and you took a complicated issue and simplified it without watering down the message. Bravo!
I needed this! Actually ending a relationship today and this had been on my mind. That, as well as things went in the beginning, we weren't being honest with each other or ourselves about what we really wanted and needed in life. And that, when we have conflict, we go days or weeks without talking to or seeing each other. To me, that's a sign to leave but IDK if that jumping ahead
Always possible to communicate your feelings abt these things. If they reciprocate and want to work on the relationship w you then you can choose to try it out, see if there's progress. If not I wish you both the best of luck. It's hard to let go of relationships, but maybe you end up working better as friends/acquaintances than as partners. If you find it difficult to end it maybe you can try by being the first one to step up and reach out whenever there's conflict. Model healthy behaviour, try to listen and show support even when you feel like your partner is in the wrong and you are in the right. When your partner feels assured, heard and safe, then you can try to bring up your own struggles or your point of view and see if they are able to be there for you and show you the support you need. No matter what I wish you the best:)
I felt helped by the parabel of the relationship as a city, built together. Early love is like finding a little spring, or some arable ground, between the two of you. You camp, explore the site and enjoy the beauty of it. A healthy and mature relationship however is a fully grown, bustling city, built brick by brick, full of history, hard work and everyday joy. Its infrastructure and beauty have not magically appeared, they have been created. That small plot of land that brought the couple together held the beauty of promise and discovery, but no guarantee for the success of whatever would be built there, just as not all campsites or even settlements will turn into cities. It is interesting to explore the landscape of your connection/relationship with someone this way.
Thank you!! I have a big beef to bring up with my husband, and I’ve been grappling with it in my head worrying I’ll be dooming our marriage forever🌋 …But I guess saying the truth isn’t dooming us to divorce if I also shower lots of love.
"Get to know yourself (through 12 step recovery) and you will understand your husband better." from God. (Turns out this applies to everyone else too) "Your actions are not a reflection on me as a person." From a therapist helping me cope with betrayal trauma. "My job is to give them the opportunity to make the right decision, and if I have done that, I did my job." From my sister, a child psychologist. "Practice intimacy with me and you will improve your ability to be intimate in all your human relationships" from God.
QUESTION: When can you tell if someone is a great spouse/person, but just has anger issues- compared to someone who is being unhealthy with their anger?
I love your videos and really, really appreciate your advice! So just as feedback: Today, I found it quite hard to concentrate on what you‘re saying because of the many cuts with slightly changed perspective afterwards (if I‘m even making sense). Anyway, keep up the great work! 😊
Thé “ changed behaviour “ has a very dark downside. My abuser got triggered by everything that I did and wanted me to change to mold me to his liking. Never again will I bend myself backwards tenfold to stay in a relationship.
I have experienced this also. Someone who makes you walk on eggshells in your own home doesn't love you. They are using you to assert control over and bring themselves comfort because they feel out of control in other areas of their lives. It's unhealthy to the point of dangerous.
hey Decker family and Mended Light team! I love your stuff! I was wondering if you had any words of wisdom regarding emotional support animals? I’m trying to decide whether to bring it up to my therapist or not, so I’d love it if you made a video about benefits/concerns/etc.! Thanks!
Damn as always you have enlightened me dear Jonathan!! Thank you for your service to humankind.... best advice no matter how much you fight still be kind...
Hey Jonathan. Can you do a video about how to deal with a narcissist's smear campaign against you after a falling out? And how you can overcome the negative emotions that come from losing people due to blind side-taking? It's hard to find advice on this sort of thing when it's not to do with a romantic partner or parent.
I hope I get an answer to this, PLEASE, both my partner and I are extremely depressed, and I am getting better away from him but the moment he says his day was shit I feel like my whole attempts at getting better just collapse around me and I don't feel like he actually tries to get better himself, we are currently in different countries and when I am with him in his country we live in a room in his EXTREMELY toxic parents house. and I mean toxic. they gaslight, manipulate and are in my opinion absolute a holes. so all in all our relationship is crumbling but I feel better now that I'm not living with his parents anymore, he doesn't have that escape he refuses counselling and refuses therapists for personal reasons and I don't have the best experience with them either. but I want therapy or at least some external help. he has reached the point of being suicidal and we just don't have the money for getting help anyway. I got to the point of spending the nights looking for money on the floor and was tempted by stealing. long distance means mending is hard, any advice?...
There is only so much you can do to help eachother, and you cannot force someone to accept help or love themselves enough to build the life they need. If you are dragging eachother down and getting in each others ways, then maybe take even more distance, and support eachother by having faith that the other is going to find their own way out... Even if that means they have to sink deeper into the darkness first. He cannot leave his parents for you; he has to move out for himself, in his own time.
No bc you build an idea of a person to and then you understand what thoghtless things they are saying and can sort any hurtfull comments to that's how they are they would not mean to hurt but wear thoghtless
Best advice I ever got was from my women's minster in college: you're not allowed to mad at someone for not reading your mind.
In other words, if you haven't told them what you want/need, it's not fair to blame them for not knowing.
Two relationship advices I really took to heart are:
2) Everyone fights and whoever you choose you will have shitty times. But it's easier to have shitty times with someone who understands your Monty Python reference. (By my dad, we're big fans of MP if you can't tell)
2) "find a person who loves you for exactly what you are. Good mood, bad mood, ugly, pretty, handsome, what have you, the right person is still going to think the sun shines out your ass." (From the film Juno)
A friend from school told me this and it changed my perspective- I was single and frustrated and she asked me "Do you want a relationship or are you in love with the idea of a relationship?" Some experience later I realised what she meant and how important it was to value singledom and to not overly romanticise the idea of being in a relationship.
This is a very difficult lesson to learn, especially if you're also a romantic.
Similar growth has resulted in me becoming a realistic romantic instead of a hopeless romantic. Still fantasize about stuff cuz that's just who I am, but it's realistic now. I also enjoy myself and my time alone cuz I am cool & fun! It's a happy medium and I hope everyone can reach their own happy medium 💚
If you are not happy with yourself, you will not be happy with anyone else either and it is unfair to expect that of someone.... So many people are just in relationships for the sake of it, even if unhappy they are so sure it is better then nothing... As long as that mindset persists, I do not think they are capable to find happyness
I know the perfect relationship. They did not start as the most infectuated romantic couple... They got together because they suited each other and with every day and week they fall more and more in love with each other. Right from the start they where super high on communication and because they where not that "infectuated and invested" to make it work at all cost, they actually felt free enough to establish open communication instead of looking away when something was amiss out of fear to mess it up.
They talk everything through, they take nothing personal, they are zero jalouse, like not even in the slightest and they are so perfectly adorable with each other where it suits them. They share a lot of interests but are totaly fine, to have different ones too. They have few arguments ans always find a resolution and compromise or well, what went wrong and how can we make it better.
I am in awe of what they got together. Way more mature then most couples of our parents generation I know.... They both made the best of the extreamly toxic relationships they where in before and its just a really beautiful thing to see.
Jeez how many were they in.?
I love this, they're really mature it seems. I always find it interesting to read comics where the parties are so emotionally detached that they can communicate about anything and not feel jealous or self-conscious about anything. They accept reality and work with and around it. I try to stay objective around issues in my own relationship, but it seems the more vulnerable and emotionally invested i get, the more self-conscious and insecure i get too. I have full faith I'll be able to get to a point where I can accept reality for what it is and work with it, but it's definitely a journey.
@@freddyjafar1490 not that many, like a few short lived kiddi relationships and then both in a very toxic longterm relationship of several years.... My friend had maybe one serious relationship before that one, with her fiance I don't know but given both got together with their toxic exes when still ins school...
They are now 27 and I guess 25 or 24 together for maybe 5 years?
@@SingingSealRiana Perhaps their exes toxicity were based on immaturity due to their younger ages
@@shamstam they are with that and it awes me again and again, for they are supper romantic and sweet with each other now. What makes it so astonishing, both are quite sensetiv and easely put of in other regards! It's just... They feel very safe and secure with each other, that it just does not feel like an attack if one says what she is not happy with. That level of trust and comfort is hard to earn, but so worth it!
A good relationship is built on humor and communication
The advice I value a lot is about arguing/fitghting the right way. Know and Never (never) touch in an argument your partner's insecurities and sore points.
I received very similar advice from my mum, in a sense. She said not to look for a perfect match or a perfect relationship because such thing does not exists. The key is communication. There's gonna be some kind of crisis in every relationship, whether it is illness, lie, lover or something else. Look for a person that would like to fight alongside you against hardships. You and your partner must be the most important people to eachother. Not parents or children, because parents will eventually die and children will leave home. And at some point you both will be old, and ugly and all you'll have left is good memories and your frendship. TL;dr: love is a choice, be MVP for eachother, learn to communicate, be honest, sex is important but not the most important. Obligatory sorry for bad english :)
You don't need to apologize for your English. Even those of us born to the language don't speak it perfectly. You communicate clearly and well. And that's what language is for. :-)
If you would tell a friend to walk away from their relationship in a certain situation, you should have enough self respect to walk away from yours if you're ever in the same one.
What you said in this video is really close to something I heard before. It really is great advice. Sadly, my then-husband wasn't interested in applying any of it, because everything that went wrong was supposedly my fault. Which brings me to my contribution of "best advice." *Accept that sometimes, it's Nobody's Fault, and act accordingly!*
*Some people were raised with the idea that whenever something doesn't go great, it must be somebody's fault. My ex had that mindset, and I was used to being gaslit anyway... When I made the mental health progress to realize that sometimes it's nobody's fault, he took offence, thinking I was shifting blame to him. He just didn't get it. That was the beginning of the end of that toxic marriage.
Keep up the good work, good sir!
🙏❤🏳🌈🏳⚧
Bro I swear you just said a line from one of my poems. I wrote it sometime in high school.
More or less:
Do you want
more or less?
Well, I want
More peace,
While having
Less pain.
I need more
Kindness.
To have more
Kindness
I need less
Selfishness.
So I can't
Have more
Without having
A little less.
I grew up in a small rural town and I was crying to my dad when I was 22 about people my age getting married and I was just going to end up alone what he told me gave me a whole different view " do you really think they are going to work out?, their young and dumb." Made me start looking at romantic relationships with a long term view and look closer at my own choices in the relationship.
There's the tride and true advice, which is to treat others how you want to be treated. To go along with that, take the mistakes that someone else makes, and learn from them
In love, to be trusted enough to hear about my screw ups so I can work to fix it is just as important to me as my love understanding that I will do my best not to hurt them.
It's not kind to say things are fine if they aren't fine.
If you're upset and ignore it, it doesn't just go away.
Would break my heart to find out I was hurting my love without realizing it.
It goes both ways. And it takes time. But I want to hear it.
My family didn't do this and resentment ran deep. Even if you're coming from a place of trying to help, either to not be a nuisance or make them worry it just makes things worse.
Appreciate the comment on fighting. My parents never fought and it wasn't a good thing. There was palpable bitterness as they talked bad about each other behind their backs and said it was hopeless. Stayed for a few months at a relative's house and saw they argued a lot but were much happier and loving overall. Took me a while to understand and get used to it. Grateful since it informed my future relationships - good examples are so valuable where this is concerned.
This hit home and hit hard. I've been thinking a lot lately about my past relationship, and Jono's first advice made me think we had a lot of love for each other and we expressed it in a lot of different ways. And then he said "sorry is not enough", and that hurt so much. When we had conflict, we always talked about it afterwards and made up but it was always me who tried to make things change, to leviate the burden that made him act the way he did. But, apparently, you can't do someone else's work, no matter how much you want them stop suffering and letting you down.
I don't know which advice will work for me once I start dating again, but Jono said in another video that love is not enough, and that was a hard lesson to learn for me. There are things love in itself cannot fix.
Best relationship advice for me is doing the inner work (learning how to communicate, heal relationship with parents, etc)
Can you do a video on conflicts within family? My parents are the type of people that withdraw after conflict and don't apologize and then we do it all over again. They don't work on changing themselves. They get defensive or say "this is who I am" when I tell them how they are acting.
Maybe it would be helpful to call them out on their awful behavior and when they say "this is who I am," tell them that this is not how they are but how they actually choose to behave, and that's a difference here.
But often parents feel so insecure faced with conflict where they may make mistakes, that they withdraw altogether and refuse to take any accountability for whatever they might be doing wrong. Sometimes they just don't know that you can do things the other way, cause it never really was the case for them.
I once or twice wrote a letter to my mom (she is my difficult parent) when she wouldn't listen, or want to listen. I left it on her nightstand, she read it and cried, cause while she wasn't paying attention in the conversation, she did when I contained all the things that hurt me with neutral, non-blaming explanations of why, and she understood where I was coming from, and that connection this experience created really did help us work many things out.
Storytime!
I have a fairly good relationship with my mom, we live two hours away from each other, but it was a bumpy road during my adolescence. She evolved throughout the years but is still learning, though she's kind of stubborn with undoing her childhood traumas (which she unintentionally transferred to my own childhood, but I'm fine, cause I'm aware of that.)
The other day (pretty recently) she was telling me about a fight with her partner, it was kind of dramatic and all that, but she always sees a fight as a dealbreaker or as if the relationship is over. I listened and listened, and when she was done ranting and telling me the drama, basically, I told her simply "Mom, everyone can make a mistake, you know. It's just a matter of how they make up for it and whether they are actually sorry,." Her voice got all choked and teary and she told me that when she was a kid there was no room for mistakes and that she was punished for doing something wrong, like stone-walling or being grounded for no real reason, or just emotionally abusive behaviors coming from her parents (they are lovely but has always been very strict.)
I absolutely agree with this. We're not perfect but when we make mistakes, especially when he disagree or hurt our s/o, we just have to take a moment to talk about it, how we felt and how we can find a solution together. For my gf and me, it works.
We apologize when we screw up and work on it so we don't make the same mistake again. And yes, it al comes from love, from knowing that you are a team and not a solo player
Also the best advice I've ever heard was listen to hear what the other person has to say not to respond
Growing up grandpa always told us that sorry wasn't good enough. It was never followed up with you need to change your behavior. What we gained from gathered from that growing up is that we were not good enough as human beings because nothing was ever good enough, and that we were not forgiven or loved.
That's terrible! I tell me children sorry isn't enough all the time, but the next sentence is how to form a proper apology . I also explain why it isn't enough, how it doesn't feel like you regret your actions etc...I hope you are finding healing
Best advice my husband got in dating “choose a girl who is nice to you.” Sounds simple but a lot guys don’t seem to take that into consideration.
Could you make a video on your advice for couples where one partner has mental health issues like depression? I feel like the perspective of the one with the disorder is often missing when you try to research this topic. But I think both perspectives matter. Is it possible to make it work through periods of depression and also through a healing process where supposedly many things change, behaviors and patterns for example. How can the one with depression show up as a partner, still participate and give or is that too much to wish for and too much pressure? How can healthy partners set boundaries and take good care of themselves? How much ghouls they know and learn about the condition? And so on.. I know it’s a big topic..
Not sure where I heard it, but I think the best advice for any human relationship is "treat others how they wish to be treated". Basically, meet people where they are. (And believe them when they tell you who they are, in the case of lgbt+ folks.)
This video was great!!! Thank you so much!!! It was well balanced and kind and you took a complicated issue and simplified it without watering down the message. Bravo!
I needed this!
Actually ending a relationship today and this had been on my mind. That, as well as things went in the beginning, we weren't being honest with each other or ourselves about what we really wanted and needed in life. And that, when we have conflict, we go days or weeks without talking to or seeing each other.
To me, that's a sign to leave but IDK if that jumping ahead
Always possible to communicate your feelings abt these things. If they reciprocate and want to work on the relationship w you then you can choose to try it out, see if there's progress. If not I wish you both the best of luck. It's hard to let go of relationships, but maybe you end up working better as friends/acquaintances than as partners.
If you find it difficult to end it maybe you can try by being the first one to step up and reach out whenever there's conflict. Model healthy behaviour, try to listen and show support even when you feel like your partner is in the wrong and you are in the right. When your partner feels assured, heard and safe, then you can try to bring up your own struggles or your point of view and see if they are able to be there for you and show you the support you need.
No matter what I wish you the best:)
I felt helped by the parabel of the relationship as a city, built together. Early love is like finding a little spring, or some arable ground, between the two of you. You camp, explore the site and enjoy the beauty of it. A healthy and mature relationship however is a fully grown, bustling city, built brick by brick, full of history, hard work and everyday joy. Its infrastructure and beauty have not magically appeared, they have been created. That small plot of land that brought the couple together held the beauty of promise and discovery, but no guarantee for the success of whatever would be built there, just as not all campsites or even settlements will turn into cities. It is interesting to explore the landscape of your connection/relationship with someone this way.
That's beautiful!
I love that the Mended Light theme music is similar to Cinema Therapy, but not entirely the same. I can tell they exist in the same universe 😂
Wonderful advice. It works for every relationship. Thank you!
Thank you!! I have a big beef to bring up with my husband, and I’ve been grappling with it in my head worrying I’ll be dooming our marriage forever🌋 …But I guess saying the truth isn’t dooming us to divorce if I also shower lots of love.
"Get to know yourself (through 12 step recovery) and you will understand your husband better." from God. (Turns out this applies to everyone else too)
"Your actions are not a reflection on me as a person." From a therapist helping me cope with betrayal trauma.
"My job is to give them the opportunity to make the right decision, and if I have done that, I did my job." From my sister, a child psychologist.
"Practice intimacy with me and you will improve your ability to be intimate in all your human relationships" from God.
I love love love your videos and also your Cinema Therapy videos! Incredibly insightful and guaranteed to be thought provoking every time! Thank you!
QUESTION: When can you tell if someone is a great spouse/person, but just has anger issues- compared to someone who is being unhealthy with their anger?
Are they working on it? Do they sincerely apologize and try to do better? Does the anger cross lines?
I love your videos and really, really appreciate your advice! So just as feedback: Today, I found it quite hard to concentrate on what you‘re saying because of the many cuts with slightly changed perspective afterwards (if I‘m even making sense). Anyway, keep up the great work! 😊
Thé “ changed behaviour “ has a very dark downside. My abuser got triggered by everything that I did and wanted me to change to mold me to his liking. Never again will I bend myself backwards tenfold to stay in a relationship.
I have experienced this also. Someone who makes you walk on eggshells in your own home doesn't love you. They are using you to assert control over and bring themselves comfort because they feel out of control in other areas of their lives. It's unhealthy to the point of dangerous.
@@genevalawrence801 I'm so sorry to hear that you had to go through this too. What you wrote really resonates with me. Every single word.
I always appreciate your advice...thank you for all you do
Learning to be alive. Thank you Jono
hey Decker family and Mended Light team! I love your stuff! I was wondering if you had any words of wisdom regarding emotional support animals? I’m trying to decide whether to bring it up to my therapist or not, so I’d love it if you made a video about benefits/concerns/etc.! Thanks!
Damn as always you have enlightened me dear Jonathan!! Thank you for your service to humankind.... best advice no matter how much you fight still be kind...
This was an amazing video thank yoy
Hey Jonathan. Can you do a video about how to deal with a narcissist's smear campaign against you after a falling out? And how you can overcome the negative emotions that come from losing people due to blind side-taking? It's hard to find advice on this sort of thing when it's not to do with a romantic partner or parent.
Should a person apologize even if they've haven't done wrong just to keep the peace or mend a fight?
I wish I could send this to a friend but I don’t want to intrude. Best ways to help a friend in a troubled marriage?
This is great advice that can be applied to any relationship!
PS 👍💋 I really like this channel! ♥♥♥
I hope I get an answer to this, PLEASE, both my partner and I are extremely depressed, and I am getting better away from him but the moment he says his day was shit I feel like my whole attempts at getting better just collapse around me and I don't feel like he actually tries to get better himself, we are currently in different countries and when I am with him in his country we live in a room in his EXTREMELY toxic parents house. and I mean toxic. they gaslight, manipulate and are in my opinion absolute a holes. so all in all our relationship is crumbling but I feel better now that I'm not living with his parents anymore, he doesn't have that escape he refuses counselling and refuses therapists for personal reasons and I don't have the best experience with them either. but I want therapy or at least some external help. he has reached the point of being suicidal and we just don't have the money for getting help anyway. I got to the point of spending the nights looking for money on the floor and was tempted by stealing. long distance means mending is hard, any advice?...
There is only so much you can do to help eachother, and you cannot force someone to accept help or love themselves enough to build the life they need. If you are dragging eachother down and getting in each others ways, then maybe take even more distance, and support eachother by having faith that the other is going to find their own way out... Even if that means they have to sink deeper into the darkness first. He cannot leave his parents for you; he has to move out for himself, in his own time.
No bc you build an idea of a person to and then you understand what thoghtless things they are saying and can sort any hurtfull comments to that's how they are they would not mean to hurt but wear thoghtless
Fix, what has been broken
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Firstttt hereeee❤️