Hi love your videos ❤ KitbashCarnage hear at the age of 31 iv recently got back into the warhammer/kitbashing community agen after taking 15year brake after 500cash worth of warhammergot stolenon me . I have taken the leap head on and started a youtube channel along with Instagram, Facebook and Tiktok. It's hard with this algorithm thing is somthing to get used to along with editing and so on but my love and the flame for my lost passion has been reignited more then ever and dont plan on stopping soon . Along with having lots of content plans and already in the pipeline and also a Revamp to all social media with new header picture and profile picture from a digital contractor I sorced I hope to just gain more traction to the community iv came back to 🔥 Regards KitbashCarnage
@@Ladyoftheroundtable "Geegaw" is a word very much like "knick knack" or "doodad" or "thingamajig." In usage it can mean "an object with no real specific use" but can also mean "an object whose specific purpose is not important to the story." The unnamed "geegaw" object in the question could be just about anything.
Gen X here... In first grade we had an assignment to make ashtrays out of air hardening clay. I gave it to my uncle and 42 years later just after he passed away I was going through his things and found it. He had kept it all those years -never used it- just kept it. That discovery gave me a profound feeling of happiness that I cannot put into words.
I know how you feel. I made a clay person for my aunt (it was fired clay, though). After her passing, her son sent me images, not only of my clay person that she kept, but all the pictures I had drawn or painted and given to her. It gave me such a feeling of love and "worth" that I still tear up about it.
Those are such sweet stories! I still have all of the clay presents and drawings my kids made for me. My kids still keep all of the stuffies and some toys that were special to them as kids. Just because it was crafted doesn't make it worthless. No, they're priceless and should be cherished. Stay kind and loving to each other. ❤
We live in a credit card, plastic, disposable, fast food world and sometimes people put more value on the valueless and no value on the genuine and authentic. The fault is theirs. Continue to create out of a good heart, because there are many who appreciate and value what is made with one's hands and heart
Beautifully said. Many years ago in our poorer day I made a potholder for my MIL for Christmas. I was trying to learn to quilt so it was very basic but made with love. Imagine the sweet surprise when, after she had passed, I found the potholder among her kitchen things...stained, little burn marks on it, but it had been USED. I felt loved and appreciated in that moment. ❤
About 40 years ago my aunt made a Raggedy Ann doll for me. I’ve kept it and displayed it all these years. As you can imagine it got a bit ragged and the fabric on her legs had basically rotted and needed to be replaced and the elastic on her dress was loose and dried out. This woman is in her 70’s now and I was almost embarrassed to ask her to the make the repairs. She was so happy and proud that I had kept her gift all these years. She made the repairs and made Raggedy a whole new dress. She good for another 40 years ♥️♥️♥️
I made a potholder for my mother at a school summer program as a kid. It gave me so much joy to make her something and it made me become the kind of mom who loves what my child could do.
Several years ago I knitted a blanket for my mom for her birthday. Upon her death a few years later, I found out that she had instructed another family member that upon her passing to be sure the blanket was placed in her casket with her. The blanket covered her bottom half. I can't explain how valued and validated I felt by my mom because of this.
My friend asked me if I had hobbies. I explained I used to do stained glass & have a big pile of new glass in my basement. And I said my daughter told me, Mom, no more stained glass pieces. My friend said, well you could make it and sell it. No. I can’t do that. Time and love goes into each piece, so they can’t just go anywhere.
I'm in my 80s. I'm with you on this. I even had a bride return a quilt to me because she didn't like the colors and wanted to exchange it. It was the double wedding ring pattern. I told her I didn't have another one in that pattern. She told me I could just make another. She had no idea how long it took to make a hand stitched quilt. I took the quilt back, and she never got another. Her mother was totally humiliated over it.
My granddaughter asked me to crochet her a king size blanket. We went to the store and she picked out the color and then we looked up patterns. ( Stitches ). She found one she liked. I'm on disability so I don't have extra money. I spent 140$ on yarn and it took me 6 months to make. She threw it away because she said she didn't like the way it looked on her bed and it took me long to make. She had changed her mind and didn't want it. I was mad because she could have given it back. That was 10 years ago and I'm not over it yet.
I’m so sorry she is that unappreciative of such a thoughtful gift. If you still even give her gifts I would just give her gift cards with extremely little money on them. She still has a lot to learn about love.
oh wow. So sorry that happened! You were very kind and thoughtful to have put so much into making such a special handmade gift. I hope who ever found it appreciated it as it was meant to be appreciated and enjoyed. 💟 sorry little miss...but no more gifts.
I recently had a similar experience with my granddaughter. I crocheted a queen size blanket for her wedding present. She texted me months later & asked if I could make her another one, because she put it in the dog's cage & the dog chewed it up! I felt like I was kicked in the teeth! I was so angry & so hurt that she thought so little of something I had made for her, spending over $100 & hours & hours of my time. My text back to her was NO! I also spent hours making a beautiful shawl for my grandson's girlfriend, only to have her take it out of the package, look at it & roll it into a ball & throw it on the couch. When I went back 3 days later, it was still there! Everything I make is made with love & if the recipient doesn't know or understand that it's their loss.
In my early adulthood I had money trouble. Not terrible but Christmas was always hard for me to come up with good gifts. I fabricate and build things a lot, and I am good at it. My shtick (correct word?) has always been the ability to "make something out of nothing." I made several custom gifts that I thought were great, and took a lot of time for a family member. One was given back to me, completely forgotten that I was the one that made it and gave it to them. One I found buried in storage like a week later. Found a few in the dumpster. Found one on the side of the road for sale. Etc, etc. To me these were very well thought out, individualized, time consuming gifts. I switched to gift cards after that. I was told gift cards are pointless and there is no thought or care put into that crap. Now we don't exchange anything. Or see each other. For other reasons. Even though you won't see this buried in the comments, I appreciate the video. Makes me feel like I'm not the only one feeling things like this.
I saw your note! I'm like you, see things and wonder what I can make out of it. I've also gotten into making cards & tags now because my "cool" stuff isn't appreciated like I feel it should be. My expectation is that a card will be thrown away, so I can deal with that.
For those family members, I've given tickets, so they can have an experience and not more stuff. Plus, I've gotten way less shy about asking what they want rather than guessing.
When I was a kid I went with a friend to her Vacation Bible School where we dyed Cheerios multi colors and strung them on a piece of string for necklaces. I gave it to my mother and she wore it to work. She told me how everyone admired it and were surprised - Cheerios. It got me started on arts and crafts, making odd things out of odd materials. She continued wearing it til she remarried in '95 and moved when she gave it to me. I put the 60(?)-yr-old thing minus some 'beads' in her coffin along with my Dutch rag doll she kept. Mommy was the best; she loved my decorated Xmas present wrappings.
My mom would wear all the jelly my little brother made her and the hats, scarfs sweaters I made here to her dress shop she owned. One day she came home with yarn and told me to make a hat and scarf for a regular customer that came in and wanted it. I did and made 30.00. My mom's love encouraged me
A man I really didn't know well did woodwork, and presented me with a small, simple, but lovely bowl that he had made. When he recieved my Thank you note, he sent ME a Thank you and told me that in all the years he had given these, no one had ever written him a Thank you note before. He was over 60.
My dad made me a hand made live edge bowl. He's in his 80's now. IF my house catches fire I'm grabbing that bowl🧡Sweet about the thank you note😊That is a dying art. My 5th grade teacher taught me how to compose them. 🧡Happy 4th of July week❗🇺🇸✨🎇🎆🌞
Some years ago I helped an in-his-forties man and his wife and son to beach their kayaks on the bank of a swollen swiftly-flowing tidal river, and in the process, the man accidentally lost his glasses in the rushing current. I offered to go look for the glasses early the next morning when the water-level had gone down, and the man was surprised and pleased --- "In all my life, I have never had anyone offer to be so kind or helpful like that!" Well, that's just the kind of nice guy I am, plus it wasn't even that difficult a task, either --- I merely strolled through the firm mud to look left and right on the riverbed till I saw the glasses sitting out on the flats, and then rinsed them off and returned them to him. Plus my offer to perform said helpful act was just "second nature" to me, too --- I'VE always appreciated it when OTHER FOLKS go the extra mile for ME, and so I MYSELF wanna do the same for OTHERS, as well. :)
It is heartbreaking that appreciation and specifically going to the effort of thanking someone for their thoughtfulness is a rare thing these days. I have seen it and heard of it from my friends but my response is that I do not care to give anything else to that person - young or old.
@@juliejohnson497 Yeah, it seems like nowadays, the grimly-tongue-in-cheek saying, "No good deed goes unpunished" is especially true --- you labor super-hard to perform a kind action or produce a nice object for someone, but then you're lucky if they even react positively to it; sometimes they may actually say or do something NEGATIVE OR HURTFUL in response, almost as if they are jealous of your caring and/or resentful that you appear to be "showing them up" because they themselves never bother to do any Good-Samaritan acts like that. Like maybe you help out one or more destitute people, and then they come and burgle your house while you're away, and then fence the stolen items for pennies-on-the-dollar to feed their drug habits. Or you find someone's wallet, and spend half your afternoon trying to return it, only to have the owner then just dash off a super-brief and grudging "abbreviations" thank-you message ("I got it thx"), and THEN when you sorrowfully complain about his lack of gratitude for all of your time and effort on his behalf, he arrogantly accuses you of being a freeloader who isn't worthy of his respect! (Both of these unfortunate things have happened to me --- once with a lost wallet, and several times with having valuables taken from my house.) Not to brag or anything, but I always greatly value and try to show ample gratitude for ANY AND ALL caring/kindness that others show towards me --- I even fondly recall helpful stuff that people did for me back in GRADE SCHOOL, nearly 50 years ago!
I make things for people. I can spend a lot of time and effort doing it. However, the recipient is not obligated to like it just because I made it. I always put a note inside a box or on the item, " I made this with my own two hands. If your eyes do not like it, it is perfectly OK. We are all unique and have different tastes. All I ask is that you either return it back to the hands who made it or pass it along to someone special who will love it, as that will fill my heart too! Just please don't throw me out. No matter what, it was given because I care about you!"
that recipient not liking it is 100000% valid and fair. that recipient (especially an actual family member) saying "don't bother", and with them essentially implying that it would just be a narcissistic practice, seems completely insane to me.
It is a horrendous to me that the principal didn’t AT THE VERY LEAST contact your parents and attempt to return the art to you! He just mindlessly threw it away, who does that!? 😢
Very relatable. My family treats anything I make as "You can't afford to buy me something?" while my friends love the things I make. Sometimes family members are the worst critics.
That is frustrating because what they don’t understand is that supplies to make things are NOT cheap. Sometimes more money is put into the Handmade item than would be into something I can buy.
Speaking personally, the reason I value "utility" objects like tools, housewares, second-hand furniture, cash, etc. more is *because* they fill a role in my life and when they break they need to be replaced. I don't value "aesthetic" gifts nearly as much because I simply don't have enough available surface area in my cramped little apartment to accomodate another "object d'art". Most of the ones I do have, I need to throw out the moment shelf space or wall area is required. Gifts from friends or family members can only really be safely "disposed of" like radioactive waste: Lost in transit to or from a thousand-year storage site.
I had a college friend who was a woodworker. Went on to do incredible stuff. When I got married, his gift was a cutting board he made, and I CHERISHED that thing and babied it for years because it meant so much more that he made it himself.
Yep. As someone who makes stuff I tend to highly value anything somebody themself. And I know I'm not alone in that. In my early teens I did a lot of leathercraft and leather carving. I made stuff for everybody. I'm sure most of it is long gone. That was in the '70s after all. But when my grandmother died a few years ago, my Mom gave me two items ( a key case and a luggage tag) that I had made for my grandmother 50 years ago. She had kept them all these years. Truth be told, I'd have been happier if the key case had been heavily worn from regular use. But it was nice know that she valued them enough to at least keep them.
Because you're psychologically healthy! However wonderfully a thing is made for us - many of us will have a tortured relationship with being given something that so much consideration has gone into. I've been given things by people I really, really cherish. Things that are actually more useful to me than if they had been some generic shop bought version. Still, though, felt very uneasy about it and had the urge to keep the thing at a distance and maybe not love it back and consider the probability that it's never actually going to be mine and so on. We're getting into attachment styles and emotional trauma. That's why handmade gifts are sometimes so controversial.
@@batintheattic7293 That's true. It so much depends on the relationship between two people. The flip side of a beautiful home made gift is that it can (sometimes, not always) be a burden, an obligation. I make some things but never give them as gifts. I know deep down that I ultimately make things for my own enjoyment, the joy being in the making, not the end product, so I don't want someone else to feel obligated to accept it. Sometimes I just put things around my home and if a friend or relative authentically really loves it I will tell them they can have it. One offer, then never mention it again if they have second thoughts. This protects my heart as well as theirs. I have been in the devastatingly heartbreaking situation of having normal purchased gifts rejected outright, scorned, returned. For family members now I just give cash to the amount I would spend. To me it's incredibly shallow and empty, but it's the only way I can block the potential rejection.
I grew up in a poor family, my siblings treasured store bought things because all we ever had were remade, hand made and others cast offs. My mom felt bad she couldn't by toys that break with no memories, the older grands treasured her Christmas pjs.
I work hard on my art. I will barely show my work to anyone I am related to because they aren’t interested. The only people that seem interested at all are other artists. I have done paintings for people only to never see them on those walls. I don’t know if they threw them away or what. The same type of thing for other types of creative work I have done. Makes me always wonder if my work just is not good enough.
I think it's important to remember that because someone doesn't like something, doesn't mean it's bad. When my niece was 5, I was making a commission for someone where I 3D printed a fairy miniature, painted it, then cast it in a clear resin crystal. My niece fell in love with it, so I made a second one for her and she was overjoyed. Over the next few years, I made her a whole bunch of fantasy display minis. A few years later I found out that the pieces I'd spent over 100 hours each on where living in the bottom of her wardrobe, they only came out when I visited. It turned out that she loved fairies specifically, not fantasy stuff in general...but I kept making those things for her and she didn't want to hurt my feelings to tell me she didn't like them. I wasn't hurt, I wasn't offended. I just took the pieces she didn't like back and asked her if she still liked fairies...we spent the next couple hours picking out a model she liked on my minifactory and coming up with a colour scheme. The way I look at it is a machinist could spend weeks making me an absolutely perfect, top of the line golf club, the type of thing a professional golfer would kill for. Me? I have no interest in golf. I wouldn't want that as a gift... but me not wanting it isn't a reflection on the quality of the object or the skill of the maker. On the other hand, for mother's day I gave my mum a minotaur head bust that I'd printed and painted and given goth makeup. Deliberately garish and ugly, It was a pure gag gift, I gave it to her, told her how I'd hand-made it, and how much time I'd put into it, so because it was such a thoughtful hand made gift I expect it to be given pride of place on the mantle in the living room. About an hour later I let her in on the joke, told her she could get rid of it....but four years later it's still there.
you gotta give without any expectations. You have to be perfectly fine with however the recipient chooses to respond or "do with" what you gave them. Otherwise, if you hold on to your expectations of how someone should respond, it's not really a "gift" but is instead "transactional." A second point: What is gift giving among adults anyway? What is the purpose of giving an adult a gift that they are completely capable of purchasing on their own? It's not an act of generosity,. People say it is the thought that counts but, what thought? "I thought you should have this thing you dont need and if you wanted it that bad you would have bought it yourself, so here it is, aren't you thrilled?" What the hell is that?! At Christmas, adult siblings eye each other's gifts judging and comparing their value taking away all sense of generosity and replacing it with entitlement. "I spent $30 on that gift and all he got me was a DVD of some movie I dont want to watch?" With that attitude we might as well all just sit in a circle, take a $20 bill from our wallets and hand it to the person next to you. Everyone gets a gift of equal value. Because that's al gift giving among adults really is. Gifts are for children and newlyweds. People who otherwise wouldnt be able to acquire what you are giving them. Not your peers. That's just showing off.
This right here. This is what every maker needs to know. Just because you spent hours of your precious time on it does not mean someone else HAS to like it. And just because someone does not like it, does not mean that what you made isn’t totally amazing! We pour our souls into our creations, so we take it personally when someone is not a fan because we transfer that feeling to “they must not like me either” when it may be something as simple as “I like fairies but not minotaurs”. But there is someone out there that loves minotaurs and doesn’t care for fairies. So keep creating!
When i was in middle school i made a little clay dragon and was so proud of it. Teacher said it was the "best" in the class. Brought it home, knowing my mom would love it and instead she kept nitpicking it.....until i yelled out, "just say you like it!". Her response, "but i dont like it". Shocked, i ran to my room and destroyed it. I never made another thing with my hands again for almost 30yrs, when i discovered leather work. Now i have a shop of my own, but still struggle daily with that nasty imposter syndrome and the fear that no one will like what i make. But at least now i fight back against those harmful thoughts.
I feel this so much! My mother had an angel cabinet and one year she asked for a new angel for Christmas. I decided that not only would she get a new angel but I would sculpt it by hand. I hadn’t done anything like that before so it took me a good month to complete, although I was very satisfied with the results. Well the morning came and she opened her gift, looked at it in confusion, and set it aside without saying a word. It was soul-crushing! My pops saw how hurt I was and later told me something that I’ve kept in mind every time I’ve gifted a piece since, “She just saw the final piece son. She didn’t see the hours and hours of time and care you put into it. And unfortunately people may not place the same value on it that you do.”. You will continue to grow and get better, but don’t put it on someone else to assign value to your work!
My late mother in law. I made her many things. She never thanked me. But would mention the beautiful bought gifts she received…she just didn’t appreciate hand made. It was very saddening for me, and I just felt sorry for her. If there was no price sticker, for hert was worthless.
I disagree. Its mean and rude and why does this person think they are so high and mighty that only big material gifts count? As a mother I loved anything from my child. Now she's an artist.
I made a wooden mallet for my neighbor who was born in 1935 from a tree we were cutting up together last year. I was showing it to him yesterday saying I made something from the tree and he just loved it then I told him I was glad he likes it because I made it for him. He teared up, stood up and hugged me.
I was a very creative child, but my mother threw everything away that I made for her, the only thing that survived, was a crocheted pan holder that my dad insisted on using. I have one child, now an adult, who constantly made things, they are my treasures. The bulk of her creations are stored safely in old suitcases in the attic, some things are in a box in my bedside cabinet, some things are in a drawer in my lounge, I have the pleasure of seeing them every time I open that drawer. Each little thing is a light that has brightened our journey through life together, it is pure love.
My mom threw all our gifts away too. As an adult I thought she might like a cool pattern I was working on. I personalized it for her. I worked for hours, and days. She threw it away. It still hurts.
My kids mostly made artwork, so I have a ton to go through. I am going to put a chosen few in a photo album dedicated to that purpose which turns many objects into one truly valuable one.
Haha - funny guy. I've got things from 3+ decades ago that nobody else on the planet remembers, but can pop into my head and make me physically cringe in embarrassment. Flaw in our programming, as humans, in my opinion.
Sometimes for a lifetime. I still can’t t put a story on paper because my dad criticized a story I wrote when I was a little girl. He criticized it to death. My writing. I tell the best stories. I just can’t put them on paper because those words keep haunting me. I am 54 now.
@@angelaguinnip7269your dad is just one person on earth who happened to not like your writing. Don’t let one person stop you from something you like doing.
When I give a gift that I have made, I make sure to give it along with all the emotional attachment I had for it. That way, no matter what its eventual fate, I don't have to grieve for it. For the same reason I never lend books. if I think a friend would enjoy it or find it useful, I give it to them. If they want to, they can return it, but crucially, I don't expect to see it again. Insulate yourself from the grief of loss by letting go completely when the gift is made.
This is a really good point. Makes me think of donating money to good causes, or even gambling - don't give away more than you can afford to do without. Waiting on tenterhooks for something you love to return is AGONIZING, and if you can avoid it easily by making or buying a new one to send out instead of your ONLY one? Mega based life hack.
You are absolutely correct about that! If it “ touched your soul “ or at least mattered to you, does not mean it will mean the same to others… accept do not expect, the share is often “ one way”.
A happy story about gift giving.... My Aunt worked in libraries, had a masters degree, very high up in the state library system she worked for. She had no kids, and all her life she took care of her mother, until she (my grandmother passed on.) She sent presents every birthday, and Christmas, and cards every holiday, Halloween, Easter, all of them, to each and every niece and nephew she had, always writing that the gift was from Grandma and Aunt Barbara. She lived out of state, but would come to family reunions, all that. I'd never had any lengthy conversation with her until when I was in my mid thirties. Barb had come to out town for a family reunion but her car had broke down and had to be fixed. I was asked to take her with me for the day and she would drop her car off at the mechanics and then come to my house for a visit while the car was being fixed. She was always kind of a quiet person, very gentle and always kind. As we talked, I realized I had an unexpected moment to tell her a little story. I mentioned to her that when I was 15 she send me a book for Christmas about a little girl in an orphanage. Months later I found it on my shelf and decided to read it. And I loved it. Really loved it. I told her that I read it so often that the paperback had disintegrated (but I could still read it!) So when I moved into my first apartment and got my first real paycheck, I went down to local bookstore and asked if they had the book. No. Out of print. But... they did a search and found a copy in a used bookstore in another state that they could order for me. I said yes. Then I showed Aunt Barbara the hardback book I had ordered when I was 19.... pages bent, spine creased, as I still would read either parts or the whole book once every couple of years. Tears feel down Barbara's cheeks. Holding the hardback book, she whispered, "That's,. oh my. You send the gifts and no one really says if it was the right fit for them, you just never know. This.... you reading it into a mess of pages with tape and string, then getting a hardback copy of the book and then still keeping that for years...." Her face was flushed and more tears slide down her cheeks, "That means so very much to me." Sometimes even years later, you find out how much it means to someone that you kept their gift. Or like me, kept the spirit of the gift, a gift I got years of enjoyment out of and which I still, at 63 tears old, have the hardback book and yes, still read it again every couple of years. Now my reading of it is because of her tears. Seeing how much it meant to her that a gift was so treasured. We became actual real friends that day, not just and Aunt and Niece. We called each other once a week at least, just to chat, to have rambling conversations. When she'd call and I'd pick up the phone, she would say, "Hello,. my friend." And that was a present to me to hear that's how she thought of me. I was her friend. And she mine. She passed away just 8 years ago now, but still, I look to the sky a few times a year and I whisper, "Hello, my friend," If you have a gift that was given to you even years ago, It is a thought to mention it to the person, hey, you know that necklace you made me, I still wear it so often, its one of my very favorite peices..... or ..... that huge blanket you crocheted for my son Stone? yea, he's taking it to college with him. He still loves that blanket. If interested, the book I've read and re-read for years was Mandy, by Julie Edwards. Julie Edwards was her maiden name, it was actually Julie Andrews, who is the movie star from the 1960s (?) movie "The Sound of Music". The book was really more suitable for girl around 11 or 12.... but at 15 it was still a magical journey of a little girl finding parents all her own.
My grandfather hobby was carving. I have all of his left over carvings. One was the only one I called out when I was about 12 little over 30 years ago. That carving is what I consider is my most valuable possession. Before he passed lots of people wanted that carving. But it was also the only one I had told him I wanted when he was done it. He kept it unfinished for years. Then around his last years finished it. Later when my house is done i will buy a glass display case and display all of his work that I have.
That is truly the way to honor something handmade by a person you loved and respected. I hope in turn you will find someone as appreciative of the carving as you are!
When my daughter. Rachel was about 3 years old, she had made a drawing and folded it like a greeting card as a gift for our friend Benny, who had dropped in for a visit. It was typical 3 year old art, but she just loved Benny and poured her heart into.it. After Benny left I heard Rachel crying in the living room. Benny had left her gift behind. Her 3 year old heart was shattered. The hurt has no age limit.
I would have told her that he just forgot it, and tell her she could give it to him the next time he visited. Then, I would have a serious talk with Benny.
Regifting is one thing. Throwing it in the trash is a whole other thing. You put your heart into your gift. They trash that gift, they are telling you exactly what they think of you and how much they value your relationship. People like that don't deserve your time and effort.
Destroying a kid's possessions out of anger is so incredibly immature, and hurts them so badly in ways that I think the guardian cannot even comprehend, assuming they even care. I remember my father destroying my computer because, if I recall correctly, I said something my father didn't like after being dragged into a financial argument with my parents - I was maybe 11 or 12 at the time. It took a number of years for me to really fall in love with tech in the same way again, but as an adult I'm happy to say I now enjoy a very interesting career in IT Ops. 😊
Also, I just want to say I really appreciate these Q&As and I wish I'd had this kind of encouragement growing up myself. I hope to be able to give that back to people myself.
I agree that destroying things out of anger is not a useful parenting tool, but on the other hand, things like computers are privileges, not necessities. Children are not entitled to those things, and they don't own them. Their parents do. If they want to keep those privileges, then they should behave and be responsible with them. Otherwise, they can learn that in life their actions and decisions have consequences.
@@Snugglez187 Yeah but you do that by temporarily restricting access to the reward, not by permanently removing it. Otherwise the child has nothing to look forward to when the punishment is over, limiting the learning experience of the punishment. By your argument if you make a mistake on the road the government should crush your car, but that won't teach people to be safe drivers, it'll instead teach them to take more risks to outrun the cops if they get caught because the punishment is too severe.
This is how we feel when we find handmade quilts at goodwill or the trash. All the time, effort and imagination that goes into those creations is immense. And to have it not be appreciated and saved for future generations is heartbreaking.
Yes! I always feel like I’ve hit the jackpot and found a treasure when I find original artwork or a handmade piece! I feel like if it speaks to me, it’s my responsibility to be its current caretaker.
but if you dont like it you dont like it...if someone gave me a quilt I would for sure recognize what went in to it but I have no desire to own a quilt, would never buy one, have nowhere to put it, so should I store it just to be nice? I do not think so, I just throw it away.
@AsTheWheelsTurn they are made to be used. So you don't have a bed? But yeah, if you don't like it, give it back. The maker would rather know that it isn't something you like, then find out you literally threw out hundreds of dollars of materials and hours of love and care. But also, seriously, if your grandmother handsewed an entire quilt for you out of love, you would just throw it away? Might wanna have that diagnosed, cuz that isn't right.
My mom made everyone a quilt for their 25th wedding anniversary. My brother and his wife were so pleased to get theirs that they protected it and my brother passed at 67 and later in her 80th year his wife passed, his kids found it and I bet you they donated it to a thrift store because it wasn't their style.
My grandmother grew up in early twentieth century. Always poor she hated homemade things. She would turn her nose up when her grandchildren gave her things they made. When I made my own wedding dress she commented how awful it was I couldn’t afford a new dress. She never hid her feelings about home made things. I was always proud of the things I made and wore or the things my mother made for me. You are correct it destroys creativity to have it diminished.
The pain of others being so unappreciative of your skills and spent times never really goes away. I had a museum quality mineral collection AND a seashell collection that had both won prizes at shows that I'd worked on for over a decade (mowing lawns to earn money to pay for purchase and shipping) and while I was in boot camp my mother threw it all away. When I came back home after camp, heading to my next duty station she explained that she didn't think I'd be back and wanted the space for a sewing room. I asked why she didn't put the stuff in the attic but she didn't have a response. I lost a lot of love for my mother that day because i realized she did not really care for me like I thought she did.
This story really rocked me back on my heels! What thoughtless and callous thing to do to your child! I can't begin to imagine throwing out something that had obviously meant so much to someone you love. But that's the point, isn't it? Your mother obviously wasn't capable of respecting or loving anyone else. I'm so sorry that happened to you.
Man, that's tough! I'm sorry you were hurt like that. Boot camp is only after months... I kept my ex's stuff around for years, we were friends, and I knew he didn't have a place for his stuff... And I knew it was HIS STUFF. I finally told him to come get it, or it was going to the dump... (Car parts). You don't throw people stuff away! Give them a chance to collect it at least.
I have a vaguely similar story: When I was about 14 years old, I showed off a city I'd build for the video game Oblivion. I wanted to become a game dev, but my parents strictly limited the time I was allowed in front of screens and I did this little presentation to show off, that I was actively creating something and wasn't just playing around. The result was, that they actively tried to dismantle what I had created, by pointing out it's flaws and proudly declaring, "that absolutely nobody wanted something like this." The thing I took away from that day, was that I couldn't create anything of value and I stopped making art. It took me way into my adult life to recapture that desire to create something. I'm trying my hand once more on games and it feels wonderful. Showing my creation off, is still the scariest thing I could think of. I wonder where I'd be skill-wise if I hadn't stopped back then, but it feels almost like a special privilege that I was able to return to being a creator after years of depression.
That's rough. I guess they just felt insecure because they didn't understand your project, and instead of acting like mature adults they lashed out at you like confused, angry children.
Sorry to read that, they probably believed they were doing the best thing for you by trashing your creation, some people do feed their egos by rationalizing that way instead of encouraging you, and by admitting that they are unable to understand or appreciate it doesn't mean that your effort was not worthwhile.
When i was young, the only other kids whose parents were limiting their screen time wanted the kids to be doctors or lawyers. I am going to assume this is true with you for the following: the fact that you were still interested in game dev even with the limited screen time should have been proof that your parents desires for your path might not have been the best fit for you. Nobody is perfect though, especially not parents. So, i don't recommend blaming them for their faults especially since they probably got them from their parents. But now that you know where they went wrong with you, you can understand where you go wrong as a result and work on fixing it.
@@Rick586 Thanks for your reply. Thankfully they both started therapy a few years after that and I noticed an improvement in the way that they handled these things. I also might have sounded harsher than I wanted, because the video renewed these memories in a way.
A few years ago, I crocheted a little bunny for my great-niece. This shy little girl who rarely ever wanted to say a word to me was suddenly asking me all about that little bunny and how it was made! Not too long ago, her father shared some pictures of her riding her new bike on Easter. And there was that little crocheted bunny rabbit in the basket of the bike!
The best feeling as a maker is seeing something you made 20 years ago still being used by the giftee. I was sent a picture of a truck and in the background was a fire-pit I made with freshly burned wood in it.
One of my friends is a maker and their oldest son is catching the making bug, too. I send the kids something every Christmas and was absolutely giddy when I saw a handmade gift from 3 years ago in the background, perched on that son's bed.
I had a very similar experience at school. Our auto shop had a small display case by the door. The shop teacher asked if anyone had anything car related they wanted to display. I brought over my see through visible v8 and 4 cylinder models. The next year when school started everything was gone and it turned out they threw everything out over the summer. I was so upset I didn’t build another model for at least 5 years
@@briandeschene8424 I think you're failing to read the room. The point of this comment is to share a story to empathise with and commiserate over. No actual advice was needed and providing some paints you as deliberately antagonistic or socially inept.
That’s rough. Most likely it was there and they did a mad purge with minimal storage and so just dumped stuff that wasn’t marked as property of the school. I hope you started making stuff like that because that sounds like such a cool project. May be something I can do with the kids for fun and learning
@@briandeschene8424 The real life lesson is to treat the things people have put time and passion into with respect, because otherwise you could really hurt them.
Years ago, before arthritis struck, I counted myself as a fairly skilled woodworker, having outfitted most of my house (my late dad was a cabinet maker.) My married son and his wife were expecting a child. Despite already failing health, I pulled out all the stops. Spent a small fortune on wood and fittings, and a month on building a cradle. It was complimented by everyone who saw it (OMG - you MADE that? It's wonderful!) One visitor offered me £2000 (UK) on the spot. Might have taken it, if I'd had the stamina to make another. My grandson arrived - usual celebrations. He was in the cradle one week. Until the in-laws arrived with an expensive store-bought cradle - a 'proper' cradle, not some 'homemade thing' from the cheap other grandad. My cradle vanished into their attic. Didn't speak to my son and his wife for a very long time.
I am disgusted by the behavior of your son and his wife. You should have asked fir it back, then sold it and taken a nice vacation. I would not speak to them for decades@
My son and I (mostly my son) made handmade knives for Shakey Graves, his band, and his manager- all of whom had been very kind and gracious to us but specifically my daughter who was a super fan. I got the impression that some of them shoved them in drawers as they really didn't mention them when we saw them at shows. Approximately two years later however, we watched his music video that he released to celebrate his 10 year anniversary, and there as what I would call a hero prop, was the knife we'd given him. Sometimes you may not think someone appreciates the time and effort you put into making their gift but you never really know. And that one time where someone really shows appreciation makes every build worth it.
That's a great story! But in the case of the person who posted the question, the gift-receiver told him to his face that they'd thrown it in the trash. That kind of dismissiveness is a lot more brutal than the simple wondering.
I used to craft a lot, and give things away as birthday & holiday gifts. I had some people who re-gifted my stuff, or donated it when they were decluttering, sold it at a yard sale, gave it to someone who needed it, or just threw it away. The lesson I learned was when you give something to someone, it is no longer yours. You have to let it go. The person who told you that when you make something, it's about you, was right. You take it too personally, because you haven't let go of them, and your self-worth is tied to that object. Learn to love yourself just because you are talented and creative, not to hate yourself because someone else doesn't appreciate that.
I only get upset about the throw away part. We're trashing the environment as it is, and somebody out there may appreciate it. It feels terrible when the recipient traded your effort for the laziest option of the trash when they could have taken it to a thrift store or given it to a friend.
@@dionysusnow Oh, I agree --- I was not disputing the school's practice of clearing the walls for a new school year. I was just saying that the principal was being a monster to just throw away the artwork without trying to contact the artwork's creators first to see if they wanted their creations back. I'm sure that HE HIMSELF would have howled plenty loudly if HIS OWN artwork had been discarded, and so HE should have considered the feelings of his STUDENTS in that regard, as well. Most schools seem to be "run like an assembly line", though, and so this lack of individual consideration is a very common complaint among pupils and parents alike.
Our scool had student artwork on rotation. We were always called in to take our artwork back. People putting work into sth. should always get the minimum respect.
@@Bapate-rh9be That's great in your case, but apparently Adam's school was not run like that. He'd had no idea that he was supposed to take back his artwork. The principal could at least have asked him about it. P.S. It's spelled, "school" --- just FYI. I loved your comment, misspelling or not. :D
I made edible gifts for holidays and one holiday l was a bit behind and griped about time and space and one of the recipients said “no one really cares about your gifts and won’t notice their absence so don’t bother. “ It crushed me even though others strongly proclaimed the opposite.
In high school art class, I made a realistic lithograph print of a horse. I was very proud of my work. I cut a mat board frame for it. When I showed it to my dad, all he said was you should have let me help you cut the mat board (it was slightly imperfect). He gave no praise for the art itself, only criticized the mat and that he could have done it better. I carried the hurt from that for years.
Sis, I bet that lithograph was amazing! I think he was jealous of your talent, TBH. I had a similar experience as a child: when I was about 10 or 11, I drew my Dad a picture of an Idol of his, & when I gifted to him- presenting it proudly- he told me it didn’t resemble the person! That might very well have been true, but who says that to a little kid?! I was so devastated… I never made him another thing. 😔 I finally started googling the confounding behaviors of some of my own family members years ago, & began learning about "narcissism." I’m still no expert on relationships, but what I have learned has really helped me to manage my expectations, which helps me protect my heart. 🤍 Sending you love & light.
My daughter is artistic, constantly making stuff. I'm always slightly nervous I might react poorly but the fact is I'm extremely busy and often very tired and she can be producing on the magnitude of 2-3 things per day and sometimes I'm just not in the mood to appreciate artwork.
My family are/were EXACTLY like this. Never a scrap of praise for the great parts, they assume you already know its good, we all know its good no need to say anything... but criticise the oopsys and errors... because 'well how else will you learn?'... Ugh! I am in my 40s and I can remember the hurt from every single one of those criticisms (oh and no they never came with anything constructive like 'hey lemme show you how to do that...' just 'yeah. thats wrong.')
Aaaaaamen! Yes, yes, yes! People who aren’t makers have no clue that EVERYTHING we make is actually giving them a part of our very soul. I felt true pain listening to your experiences.
Yes, I have observed that people who also make things are much more appreciative and will examine and comment on the detailing, etc. of what you made for them.
Thank you for sharing your stories and thoughts Adam. I'm 58, out of work for the last 6 years (stuff happens with our families) - but now no one is hiring an older IT lady. I've been laid off twice and felt like my whole life has been wasted on something I'm probably no good at. Your commentary toward the end actually was one of the few I've heard that opened up the sky to make me think, just because those companies saw me as a number, it doesn't devalue the work I did, and it certainly doesn't remove the fact that I'm a good person with a good heart. These little talks of yours are very much appreciated. You're a maker in more ways than one. You also make people feel stronger.
I am an old IT lady too. For 23 years I was. And every single thing I did is now expired or out of use. It almost feels like I wasted that part of my life, except it gave me the means to be who I am now. I am woodturner and blacksmith. I dabble in everything! I am a maker. You are good, and worthy, and should follow that good heart.
I took half a decade off to be the primary caregiver for an elder relative. I then refreshed my IT skills by getting an online cyber security degree that took two years. I then took the advice of a TH-camr “A Life After Layoff” and customized my resume for each job listing and I got a good job. Don’t give up. You can do it and in some cases they prefer to hire experienced professionals.
I work for a university - we're always struggling to hire decent IT people because our salaries are lower than private enterprise, and our equal opportunity policies mean we can't discriminate based on age or gender, so it's entirely merit based. Couple that with the fact that the IT industry moves so fast, nobody has more than a few years' experience with current technologies anyway, so age is less of a barrier compared to other professions where decades of skill are called upon every day. It's a running joke when we argue with HR for job applications, as they demand a minimum of five years' experience with the technologies we need for senior roles, but some of the tech didn't even exist three years ago let alone five! Yes senior management want us to hire an AI expert with five years ChatGPT experience, never mind that ChatGPT isn't even two years old at the time of writing this...
I once walked in on my grandmother shredding 3 generations of children’s drawings because she ran out of room in the filing cabinet and decided that those weren’t “necessities,” and anything not needed got shredded. She said we were all grown now and so she didn’t need to keep them. She was not a sentimental woman. The only things I made that she kept were the potholders I made for her, because those matched her kitchen and performed a needed function. It really reframed the idea of giving hand made gifts for me. Knowing for a fact that so much of what I made for someone was not only in the trash, but had been shredded first was gutting. It put into focus how little my effort and work meant to anyone else. I can’t think of a way to make someone feel lower than that. Now? I take to heart what the fiber arts community says about making sure a recipient is handmade gift worthy. If I think even for a second that they won’t appreciate it, they aren’t getting my hand work. I don’t really care if they don’t appreciate something bought, as it wasn’t personally made with them in mind. So the unworthy get store bought gifts or gift cards if anything. If I give you something I knitted or crocheted or made, it’s because you have been fully vetted and passed the test. One of my nieces has a hat I knitted. She put it on while playing and ended up wearing it for the rest of the day. She was a little hesitant when returning it, so I asked her if she’d like to keep it. It was her favorite and she wore it nearly every day for years. She got upset because it was showing signs of wear and she felt bad for putting it through the wringer - as if it wearing out meant she wasn’t taking care of it. It was grungy and thin and a little stained because it went through life with her, like a kid’s teddy bear. I told her that a well worn hat is a well loved hat, and that I couldn’t think of a higher honor for a hat than to get worn out from constantly being loved and accompanying her on her adventures, and made her a few more so she had color choices. She passes the test. She is hand knit worthy. It really sucks that some people don’t appreciate hand made gifts. They don’t understand the care and love that goes into making something specifically for someone, tailored to them. Or they just don’t care about things like that. Idk what robbed them of joy, but that’s outside my jurisdiction lol
My mother had the opposite thing happen. She saved all of our drawings and schoolwork from when we were kids. She shipped her oldest daughter's work out to her and she just threw it away. Didn't care. When my parents passed on, so much of their stuff got thrown out because my siblings just aren't sentimental. I did save one of my mother's dollhouses and an antique thermometer plaque that had hung up in my grandma's house for years because it reminds me of her. Wish I'd had more room to store more stuff!
How long do you expect someone to hold onto something you gave them for them to ‘prove’ that they enjoyed it? As someone who had to deal with the ‘sentimental items’ of several passed away family members, this sounds like she didn’t want to force that burden onto her children. I feel sorry that you saw it and was surprised but I certainly don’t think that letting herself live with less means that she didn’t appreciate those drawings.
I agree wholeheartedly. It's just like if you pen a long detailed neatly-hand-written letter to someone, and then you're lucky if they even read it all the way through, let alone respond to it.
When i was a teenager, around 16 years old, i got my first job at a bike shop in town working as a technician. I built bicycles from box kits to sell on the floor, and occasionally repaired bikes with the more experienced technicians. After working there a little while, i got the idea to fasten several sprockets and disc brakes in a stack from the largest as the base to the smallest at the top, and put a clock movement in the center. I gave it to my father as a father’s day gift, with which he swiftly put it in a drawer in his office where it still resides to this day. Ive struggled for the past decade wrenching with the thoughts of my disappointment with that and this video encapsulates it perfectly. Thank you for your stories, Adam.
I don't know anything about your father, but space in an office is usually very precious. It's usually a place to work. Things not for that purpose that are in that space are usually very sentimental, like a family photo. He may not have hung it on the wall, but maybe he put it there so it would never be too far away?
I agree with Kaotiqua, he kept it, close. Sometimes I have things I love, even things I've made myself, but don't have a good place to put it, it doesn't fit my "decor" or space or whatever, but I want to keep it, so it might get put in a cabinet or drawer, but I can still see and admire it, or have a nice feeling about the person that gave it me, or a fond remembrance of where the thing came from, or when.
I wrote a poem when I was 16, and a young lady (age 20), who was a friend of the family (and I was smitten with), dismissed it as garbage, that I was just trying to use big meaningless words. I stopped writing poems after that. Found out 30 years later that my dad kept the poem and liked it so much he is including it in his book. That moment of affirmation shed decades of self doubt and anxiety that I didn't realize I was carrying.
I often heard my dad say the following: "I've never gotten a bad gift." It wasn't just something he said--he meant it with every fiber of his being. If something was handmade or clever or otherwise reflected significant time and effort, he was even more appreciative. I recall a friend of mine once fretting over what she would get her dad for Christmas, fearful he would dislike or reject the gift. I was shocked, as my experience was so completely the opposite. I've tried to emulate that level of gratitude in my own life, and I have to admit, knowing someone could so blithely toss away a gift I or someone else had obviously used their talents and time to create would make me reconsider having any sort of friendship with that person. Maybe that's harsh, but so be it.
I agree. If a person has such different values from mine as to be thoughtless and rude, then maybe we do not have enough in common to sustain a friendship.
With my children's art, one of the things that my wife would do is to take pictures of our child with the artwork they had made. That way, if it goes away we still have photos of the object and photos of our child as they were when they made the art. And now that one of my sons has a degree in art and is a fantastic artist, we can trace back through all of his art and see him as he was when he created it. It gave us freedom to not have to keep everything.
I took pictures of my daughter's artwork as well, mostly from when she was really young and prolific with her making. She preferred to do art in her younger years at school and the materials used (and sizes) at that age are not intended for conservation :) I am a maker as well and she made an effort for each piece, it wasn't just slap some color on the page because the teacher expects it. It seemed disrespectful to just throw it all away but there was no way to keep it all or to store it in a way that didn't just wreck the work. Much was displayed for a time (and rotated regularly) but then I would photograph each piece and quietly dispose of it. She's grown now and has not done much art since middle school but we have taken some fun art classes together, in subjects that her early school could not consider, especially the glass blowing experience that was a Christmas gift a few years ago.
I've heard it said that giving a gift isn't just for the other person but it's for you, the gifter, as well. It's a form of love language and not everyone is fluent.
Every child needs to be instructed by someone, family member, teacher, caring person on how to graciously accept a gift, especially a home made gift, and how to write a thank you note, and how to dispose of a gift if it is not suitable for them. Hurting the feelings of the person giving the gift is never allowed.
My grandma loved to make handmade clothing items for gifts. Some of the crochet ones were not things that were fashionable at all (as a crocheter and sewer I appreciate her time and her love). My mom had a rule that we had to wear handmade clothing gifts once when my grandma would see us wearing her gift. Then it kind of stayed in our closet until we outgrew it if it was not something we actually wanted to wear. We would have NEVER been allowed to be rude about any gift, let alone something that someone took the time to make for us.
@@dionysusnow actions speak more than words. It's why moms put their childrens drawings on the fridge, because even if they are by no means "masterpieces" it's to show that they love and appreciate the child in whatever and however they do and that they appreciate the thought and feelings having been shared on getting a gift from them. And this isn't only true for moms/dads loving their children, but it's also true for any relationship. If you give them things, no matter if it's art, kisses, spending quality time with them, those are actions of love and showing you want to spend time with that person, that you appreciate them etc. pushing those away/throwing those away means those feelings you tried to express were pushed away too (of course there are exceptions and consent matters too, but that's a different matter if problems arise in that direction)
@@Eryniellaffection is completely different than an unwanted gift. If I don't like the gift you gave me, that is not the equivalent of I don't like you. A friend gave me a hideous sweater for Christmas one year. I never wore it because it was so ugly. I still cared about her. Not wearing the sweater she gave me wasn't a rejection of her friendship.
@@cremebrulee4759 context matters for sure. If you know someone has put work into the gift they gave you, as in crafted it, even if it was ugly, you would probably atleast wear it once to make them happy, cause it's not about if you like the gift or not in that moment, but if you understood the meaning behind it. On the other hand, if you know that the gift you have been given was just bought at the next store, just to fulfill some obligation of gift giving (for a birthday as example) then it really doesn't matter what happens to the gift, because clearly the person didn't even take the time to properly figure out what you would like or want and is an entirely different situation.
A guy I knew as a kid, he and his dad took regular car models and converted them to the doors and hood and trunk opening. Detailed the engine with wires and accessories. Award winning models. Always admired their skill.
I have a friend who is a hyper-crafter, and she comes up with the weirdest, oddest Christmas decor and most bizarre gift ideas. When these things are given to me, I do express my appreciation for her time and creativity. However, I also let her know (very gently and sugar-coatedly) that I am not looking for anymore knick-knacks or home decor, as I have been shifting towards minimalism. Handcrafted, weird decor, clutter, and dust catchers are the last things I desire for my home. Less is more. Crafters ought not to assume that just because you enjoyed making it, other people would love it. 🤷🏼♀ I do quietly donate the cheezy gift items I receive. And, I always suggest exchanging wish lists so everyone can get something they want, need and love. 🎁
I feel like this is legit -- we never want to hurt people's feelings, but if it's just weird, you don't want it on display in your home, or won't wear it or whatever ... do you just keep it forever? It's just clutter at that point. Now, a caveat here is if you know the person (especially a child) put all their heart and soul into it, worked hard on it, and had you in mind (like, seriously, not just "Oh, I'll make one of these hideous crocheted toilet roll covers designed to look like a rat for Mary because I'm making them and I'll just throw her on the list to receive one"), then you do have to be pretty careful about not damaging hearts. But I feel like there are some people who don't understand the impact a truly out-of-place, weird gift has on the recipient, who now must keep this bizarre thing forever or risk being a "bad person." That's when the thing you're making becomes about you. When you put thought into what another person would like, when you realize the physical-space impact this thing will have, when you are intentional about the gift and know it will be well-received, that's about them. When you just make something and give it to someone else without thought for whether they would want it, use it, display it, then it IS a little bit more about you. (This is true of store-bought gifts, too ... for years I had to keep a boatload of crap from my in-laws that did not fit me at all -- books that weren't my taste, ghastly jewelry that wasn't my taste, clothes that absolutely weren't me, etc. Take a minute to get to know me, MIL, and THEN you can go off-list for me.)
i very rarely receive homemade gifts, but if and when I have to let them go, I take pictures of the objects. I smile when I see the photos, because I remember how I was thought of, even if I didn't like the thing.
I agree ...those people just proved how unworthy they are at receiving a gift u made ..its a selfishness on their part ..they feel entitled to get the gift ...but then they do not appreciate the gift ...if someone gave me a gift they made ...I would appreciate it .thank them and be gracious ...because that person took time to make it whether it took 10 min or 100 hours ...its the intent and love that went into the making the gift
People in my family who do not appreciate handmade gifts, for whatever reason, get a small sum of cash. I consider a cash gift to be the most impersonal kind of gift, but if people don't want you to give of yourself, give cash.
The older I’ve got the more I’ve realised that creating is indeed about the creator. No one else cares about my precious. So I don’t gift it any more unless it’s to someone who has specifically requested something and who I actually know understands what they are asking for. And that is very few and far between because as we realise, if you add up the hours and materials then asking for something like that, it would be a very costly present. I also came to the realisation that I don’t particularly want other peoples creations unless it’s something I’ve commissioned or chosen either . And that was very telling. My space is curated, and I resent the intrusion into it if something that doesn’t fit. I now create when I’m enjoying the process or I’m compelled to. And try to leave others out of it. Too much pain and stress.
I am a fairly accomplished modern quilt maker. IO've had my work in several art gallery shows. A couple of years ago, some acquaintances wed and I presented in their wedding card a 'certificate for a medium size quilt (48" x 60"-ish) of their choice.' Never heard a thing from them. I don't know if they never read it, didn't care, were ignorant of the value of what I offered, or what. I never stopped making. On the other hand, I had designed and made a lovely quilt for a friend who was expecting. It was such a fun and custom quilt. Sadly, her baby passed within the first week of her life. I was so saddened by that that it did take me a year or so to get back on the designing/making horse again. I'm back and at it again, thank goodness.
I am a maker, I make jewelry and I have sold my jewelry in gift shops for money. So when my mother in law asked me to make her a long necklace without a clasp so she could pull it on easily. I sourced expensive glass Pearl's and made her a lovely necklace at no cost to her. She said it was lovely and wore it everytime we all went out together and she said she always got compliments from her friends, but a couple of months later I said I had not seen her wear it. She said it broke so she swept it up and threw it away. I was crushed she could be so calous. I told her I could have fixed it but she said too late its gone.I never made anything else for her even when she asked me to. I said no. It hurts me still years later. So I feel your pain.
maybe they simply don't like quilts? some people do, and some people don't. Or maybe they don't have a use for it? (I know that would be the case for me). It's kinder of them to not make you go through all the work for a quilt if they won't appreciate it properly. best to focus on those who do enjoy your work, and on the joy it brings you.
@@AvivaHadas Sad to hear. But as someone who does not enjoy quilt and has no use for them, I also would feel burdened by the gift of a quilt that someone spent lots of time on.
We went to stay with my husbands grandfather in 2010 who lived in a different part of the country so it was rare that we got to see him. He used to paint and would paint everything; huge ships at sea, city scapes, you name it he could paint it, they were magnificent. When we were leaving he asked us if we would like one of his paintings, I jumped at the chance. We have a beautiful one-of-a-kind painting that hangs above our stairs and we see it every day. Sadly he passed away at the beginning of this year, after fighting dementia. He was my husbands grandfather but he was like a grandfather to me to. He was kind and generous and really special. I will always treasure that painting.
WOW! Didn’t know i needed to hear this! 64 years old, lifelong crafter - quilter, embroiderer, crocheter, knitter, cross stitcher. Have given LOTS of handmade gifts over the years, and I just realized that when I visit my friends and family, I’m looking for the things I’ve gifted - SUBCONSCIOUSLY! That’s so funny that I’ve not even been consciously doing that - and when I haven’t been seeing these things, I was a feeling a little deflated - all subconsciously - and looking back on it now, I realize I was pushing all those thoughts/feelings down! I will say that I’ve always KINDA let go - that once it’s gifted, it no longer belongs to me.
❤ I can totally sympathize with this. I’ve started calling it the “macaroni necklace problem”. As a parent I get LOTS of very heartfelt crafts from my kids, but just cannot keep them and can’t explain well enough why some things are now missing from the house- even though I am grateful and proud. I make various gifts myself and am always trying to make sure it is wanted by the receiver and not seen as a macaroni necklace that is a burden they have to pretend to like.
I find that a bunch of that stuff has a way of getting broken or lost, so it doesn't end up being too difficult to deal with. We have a rule that we don't keep broken things in our house if we can't repair them.
Store them in a box, if you can. You'll treasure it when they're grown. But you would never tell them, "That's just trash" right? Instead, you say, "I have to put some away, to make room for new ones!"
Exactly this. Our daughter makes us lots of art and we keep the best pieces in a folder and hang some on the fridge, but we cannot possibly keep it all. We know creators put a lot of time and love into their projects, but my wife and I personally would never want a welded piece of metal art on our wall, and we live in a tiny apartment that can barely fit our own things much less art projects that mean more to the artist than they mean to us.
He's absolutely right when he says that people aren't as appreciative when what you make is about YOU. The key to gift-giving is to speak the love-language of the receiver! Because the gift that says, "I see you. I know you." THAT is the one that conveys your love.
Sadly people that are not crafters ( quilting, crocheting, knitting, embroidery, etc) don’t realize the time it takes to make things plus the extravagant cost of the materials. There are very few people I would consider making a gift for. My mother is one of them. She herself doesn’t do any crafting projects. But she appreciates the hard work that goes into making hand crafted items. One year for Mothers Day, I crocheted her a beautiful shawl from white cotton thread. She wore it to my sister’s wedding. That made my day. There is no greater feeling when you see someone wearing or using a gift that you made especially for them.
I get this. I always make occasion cards for people. But rarely is the time and individuality appreciated. The only person who did appreciate this was my mum (sadly passed this year). When looking through cupboards I found EVERY birthday, Mother’s Day card I ever made her. Heartwarming and sad at the same 😢
One person's trash is another person's treasure. Art is subjective. Do not let what one person thinks of your art destroy its value. Keep creating and let your work find its audience who can see its true value.
I have a family member that threw away every handmade gift I ever gave them. Lesson learned. I bought them a dishware set that really coordinated there Newly remodeled kitchen, which they gifted back to me, still sealed about 15 YEARS later. I was surprised it didn't end up in the landfill.
A lesson I learned a long time ago is that a gift is about what the receiver would like and not what the giver would like to give. I just make stuff for myself and when people see it and enjoy it and ask if they can have one or ask if I can make them something else, then I know they truly appreciate it. As a maker I see and appreciate the effort that someone has put into something, but some people just see it as someone who wouldn't spend money on a gift.
"some people just see it as someone who wouldn't spend money on a gift." That's certainly true. I once pulled a piece of my art out of an auction and gifted it to a friend, as a wedding gift, because the couple had seen it and were saving up to try to buy it. The couple were delighted and very appreciative. Her mother, however, made snide comments to other guests about "home made gifts".
@M.Campbell that mother...wow! We give shop bought gifts to less important people and home made ones to the ones we really like or love and the feedback is thanks for the former, raving appreciation for the later.
Thanking for the thought to send a gift is foremost: got 7 years of dried fish fillets from fishing-loving bro, and tossed all eventually ~ (absolutely no one wanted any) yet thanked him each Christmas 😇😇😇😇😇😇😇
This used to bother me. To this day, and I'm pushing 60, my mother hates the bulk of what I've created. I still create it. And lately, aware of my own mortality I've been handing off paintings and artwork to friends and acquaintances just so it doesn't wind up in a landfill when I pass. That may very well still happen, but these are people who won't tell me "Hey, I threw your crap away." Bottom line, I'm gonna do what I do anyway. Who cares? Glad I stumbled on to this video!
I empathize. I've been making silver jewelry and flatware (as a hobby) since I was handed a jeweler's saw in the 9th grade. All my life, mom kept showing me kitschy, Grandma Moses rip-offs and faux country crafts, while telling me I could make some real money doing that. It wasn't until she was visiting me and came with me to pick-up a check at a gallery that she quit that. She's never understood my stuff or liked it -- except some of the flatware. Jewelry is intensely personal. So, I could understand it wasn't her taste. But to her credit, she and my father did put up with my activities. Between the screws out of my erector set and my 7 year-old attempts to make a Jackson Pollack with powdered tempera paints and white glue, I broke a lot of vacuum cleaner belts and got paint on a lot of walls. When I was 11, I was introduced with weaving on a real floor loom. For three years, I raked leaves, washed cars, and vacuumed and dusted a neighbor's house to earn money to buy a 500+ part kit for a Harrisville Design's floor loom. My father helped me put it together and mom lived with it in the guest room until I graduated from college.
Some of these stories are absolutely heartbreaking, that someone has thought of you and then taken the time and effort to make something personal which is then discarded is unfathomable to me.
In my 9th grade history class, our final project was to make a model/diorama of some important place or moment in history. My partner and I on the project spent close to 20 hours making a fairly detailed 2'x2' model of Ford's Theater, and I was quite proud of it. After we got our grades, the history teacher kept a few of them to display in his classroom, and threw the rest away without asking any of us if we'd like to keep them. It's been 10 years since then, and I can still vividly remember the feeling of helplessness - and frankly, grief - knowing that something I clearly spent a significant of time and effort researching and building was so effortlessly discarded. I think it's really important for anyone - not even just makers - to understand why events like this happen and how to move forward from them, which is why I'm so glad you made this video.
Teachers like this are blithely unaware, or uncaring, of the amount of harm they do, and if you dare challenge them on it they'll double down on the damage with a casually dismissive comment like "oh, but those ones weren't any good".
Your story makes me appreciate an experience I had in seventh grade all the more: We had a project to create models of inventions we'd devised for a previous science assignment. My partner and I spent a weekend and several afternoons making a very detailed 1:1 scale model of a sleep aid device we'd designed. The project complete and all the models displayed, we'd come back the following Monday to find the big counter where they'd been empty. The class was upset that our work was gone, but when our teacher came in she told us she'd locked them in the storage room so they wouldn't be 'cleaned up' by the janitor. She opened the storage room and we all got our models back. I let my partner keep ours. I'm ever more thankful for that day after hearing some people's sad stories.
My sons’ teachers growing up always sent their projects home after the event was over. I still have things they made in grade school. I gift them back to them now that they have kids of their own. They find this hilarious. And they understand how important it is to treat their child’s projects as important gifts.
I have many makers in my life; a knitter, a woodworker, a potter, a sewist , all of whom make very finely crafted, really beautiful things. Unfortunately, not everything they make and give is to my taste. I appreciate how many hours and how much work and skill go into these things but have a hard time really enjoying them. Some of them understand this and realize that some things they give me may get passed on, others not so much. Whenever I give someone something I've made, it's with the understanding that it may find a different home than the one intended.
I crochet all my grandchildren a blanket from me. To use, and one day have as a memory of my love for them. My one granddaughter took to my blanket so much. My son videoed her getting ready for a nap and as soon as they covered her with the blanket, she would get a huge smile and rub the blanket between her fingers. He said it happened every time. It became her big lovey. It was complicated. Beach colors going into shore and then deep sea, with crocheted starfish and sea turtles separately sewn on. She loves it so much and has dragged it on the floor, needs it to be with her in 😮the car, etc.,takes it everywhere and slowly it has fallen apart with rows of “ocean” coming off. At first I was dismayed, but she loves it so much and it truly is her comfort. I can’t be mad. It is/was so well loved. She is 4 now and has realized it’s getting smaller and smaller. Her dad said she’s getting stressed it may be no more. She said “I berry (very) much want Oma to make me a new one!” I’ve never had anyone love and appreciate my gift so much. I will make her a mini version! ❤
As a dad to some pretty dang artistically inclined kids, I feel obligated to (and am happy to) gush over everything they show me they've created. Their faces shine as they describe their process. To have someone not appreciate that? I will steal your word--- MONSTERS!
I always remind myself that once I've given a gift, that thing is no longer mine and the recipient is free to do with it as they wish, including throwing it away. It hurts if they do but if it was truly a gift, it is no longer mine. If they toss it, you've learned something about them and your own expectations. Be careful about expectations since although they can bring joy, they are the sole cause of disappointment. If uncertain about gift giving, give perishables or consumables.
May be 10 years old, I made something for my aunt’s birthday. It must have been very bad because in an hour, I found it on the top of the trash. Don’t know why it should hurt until now at 63 years old. Thank you for sharing this.
Because it was rude, thoughtless, and mean. You were just a kid and you did your best to make something for your aunt because you loved her. Even if she was the kind of person who just didn't want or appreciate something made by a child, she could have at least waited until you wouldn't see it in the trash. I'm sorry such a hurtful thing happened to you by an adult who should have acted better.
I was astounded when I heard someone wouldn't want a special piece of art created just for them. But not everyone is into art or understands the vulnerability if they themselves aren't creators. Mind blowing, but true
I could really feel the emotion in this video. It's bad enough to see a bought present being thrown or given away, but something you spent time creating for somebody, that hurts and it goes deep. Thank you Adam for letting us in on your inner feelings
That feeling of rejection of our love and effort is so crushing... I built guitars for many years then completely lost my drive to make them after a friend returned the instrument I had gifted him.
The sheer amount of stories in this thread is unreal. It is clearly a universal maker experience that we are extremely emotionally attached to our work. Yet in this consumerist society, many people have such a shallow relationship with the thousands of objects in their lives, that our object is yet another "thing" and is added to the pile. Clearly, many of us here hoped it gets on the top of the pile, or at worst not thrown away into the garbage pile. The reality is, we are "makers", we make things, and that is the true joy of what we do. If someone else finds value on top, that's gravy, but we still got to have fun making it. AND, we know just how valuable other makers' gifts truly are.
I totally agree. The creative process is so rewarding, so fulfilling. Creating anything: food, a garden, a home, the perfect spreadsheet, art, music, writing, etc. is food for the soul. That in the end there is a tangible object is a bonus.
Always keep in mind who you're making things for. Don't waste time making thing you know they won't like and expect them to appreciate it. That's the biggest problem I see in a lot of crafting communities.
I don’t know, the amount of time and money that goes into handmade gifts, tailored for the person, makes me think that acknowledging the gift is rather important. It isn’t really all about me, but it is an expression about how I care about the other person. But given my experiences, I do believe in asking myself, “Are they quilt worthy? Still I’ve been surprised…
You hit the nail on the head. Stuff comes in like a continuous stream in many many homes. I have become aware of it on a trip to the Goodwill bins. Bin after bin of discards. Store after store after store here. Billboards and TV commercials all pushing for your buck. No wonder the homemade gift sometimes sinks to the bottom of the pile. It's sad.
Me personally, I’m real sentimental about stuff people make/give to me. My daughter is an artist and I know how artists become attached to their work. I learned a long time ago when an artist/maker gives you something they are giving you a piece of them
I am the same way but many others are not. I have made things for people, trying my best when I was learning and making something that contained art that I knew they liked. I later learned it ended up going in the trash some time later. This may not be the appropriate response but I now only make something as a gift for three people: Me, my Wife and one of my brothers. That is it and no more. Even if people ask me - the answer is no as I don't want to hear the disappointment or see it in their face when it is not exactly what they wanted. They can go to Walmart or pick something up a flea market, but it won't be from me. Is that me avoiding feeling hurt and my work being rejected - YES 100%
I'm the opposite of sentimental, I don't think I own a single item that's not utilitarian. If someone wants to give me something just for aesthetics I kindly decline, has nothing to do with the item or with the giver, it's just who I am and how I enjoy my space. I feel everyone is better of if said item ends up somewhere where it can be appreciated for what it is rather than at best spend its life in storage.
Some people are that way but many us of aren't. I make so many different things that I don't even remember making them. Once in awhile its something extra special but its usually useable items that will wear out over time. If one person doesn't care for something I've made they pass it on to someone that does. It works out.
These commenters are my tribe. I tried to make things for my mother that would be useful. I carved her a wooden spoon. She took it with ‘I’ll put that with the other stuff you made’. I hand sewed her a quilted throw to put over her when she was watching tv. She took the parcel and on glimpsing that it was some sort of quilt said ‘I won’t unfold it, it’ll just need folding back up again’ and it was left in the wrapper by the side of her chair for months on end. I never think anybody will want what I make now. I just shove it in a drawer when it’s finished.
naw...keep trying. Some folks get it. Some don't. However, if they've just gushed about how they've just minimized their life, or made nasty comments about folks having too many knickknacks in their homes, either steer clear or make something they can offer guests for dinner 🤗
A friend of mine from high school is now one of the best glass blowers on the planet. I have a small collection of 4 or 5 small pieces that he made when he was starting out, stuff that he would never make now. They’re now framed in a display box. I doubt he even remembers that I have them but they’re some of my most prized relics.
You should contact him it’s a photo of them. It would probably be appreciated. I made a small quilt and pillow for a child who lost everything after Hurricane Katrina. The mother contacted me and said she still has them and it’s been almost 20 years.
When I was a kid I had a book called, "My Box and String". It was one of those thin "Scholastic Book Club" books that you could order through the school. A box, some string, and an imagination. That's all you need. Not back to designing a 3D print to mount the battery on my ebike. :^)
My aunt had a friend who was renovating her living room. My aunt bought yarn in the colors her friend had chosen for the new room. My aunt picked a lovely pattern and spent a month crocheting a beautiful afghan. When her friend invited her over to see the newly renovated room, my aunt presented her with the afghan. The friend accepted it and thanked her. A short time later, my aunt was shopping at a local thrift store when she spotted the EXACT afghan she had just given her friend - same pattern and colors. My aunt bought the afghan and confronted her “friend” with it. The “friend” finally admitted that she thought crochet was cheap and tacky. That was the end of their friendship.
@@smalltowngirl1433 wow, nightmare. I don’t think I would have had the stomach to confront the woman but she never would have heard from me again. It’s a sensitive topic, but the woman never asked for the work. Having said that, I still would have felt hurt like your aunt and never spoken to her again.
This is all too real! One thing that's helped me with certain situations is to always start the conversation with, "I have a question, and I want you to know that 'No" is an acceptable answer." Just saying that eases the sting of a "No" for me. Plus, by giving them permission to say, "No," I get an answer sooner, because they're not trying to figure out how to day "No" without hurting my feelings. I'd always prefer a quick "No" over a drawn-out "Maybe" or unenthusiastic, "...yes." Thanks for all you do, Adam!
Having to explain to people that "No" is an acceptable answer to me asking a question is probably one of the biggest wastes of my time (yet important). How on earth do we function as a society when our cultural inability to handle rejection is seemingly so baked in that people assume they can't say no to anything and it's better to lie for fear of hurting someone's feelings. Normalize saying no to things, normalize learning to express no so that it doesn't feel like a rejection, normalize learning how to handle rejection, just please do anything it takes to be bloody honest when someone asks you a direct question about your preferences.
This is exactly why I have so much clutter. I refuse to get rid of sentimental things. I even have a plant that my mother gave me for my 25th birthday. When it gets too tall, I cut the top off and re-root it. I'm 73 now. I thought about moving to Mexico, but you aren't allowed to take plants into Mexico, and I told someone I just couldn't leave it, or give it to someone who might not take care of it.
@@OldLadyInFLThate the thing though. People, especially Americans, are drowning in clutter. It’s a major problem. When you watch decluttering videos on youtube they frequently talk about how to handle sentimental items and unwanted gifts - whether handmade or not.
This broke my heart for the maker. I am a knitter and for about 10 years, I made my mom a beautiful lace wrap for Christmas every year. It would be a 6-month project, and I always used the best fiber I could afford. Last summer I stayed at my parents’ house and found everything I’d ever knit for her, crammed in the back of a drawer in an unused room, with my custom tags still attached. I was shattered, and I am still working through the feelings it brought up. I hope the letter writer knows that the recipient’s response is in no way a reflection on the artist or their talent ❤
If it helps, I cram keepsakes too. I value them so much I want to keep them safe and protected just like I received them. Something like saving the good China for a special occasion. My cousin made a quilt for me that I valued so much. I immediately stuffed it back in the bag for protection. I decided to put it on the bed, it was painful to think it would get a snag or stained. It’s really beautiful but I’m still fighting the urge to cram it away for safety.
In that "the art is about you not us": I had a great experience commissioning art from a young artist who was often down about her work and sales and things. A friend had lost someone very close to her who was a prolific artist and performer and so I had the bright idea of finding a new artist she might want to support. I asked the artist to make something, ideally a picture, in their preferred style and materials in my budget. I told the artist about my friend, as much as I could, what kind of person she is. There was a draft which got some of it right but not quite. I gave some feedback about what worked and what didn't and what I liked that really surprised me and then there was the finished product. I loved it, framed it gave it to my friend. She burst into tears and said it was perfect and reached into her soul. Yes the art is about the artist. That's what you want in art. The inspiration is the person receiving the art. It can't be about one without the other. I guess some people don't understand that.
couldnt have said it better, no artist (including myself) can be completely dissociative from their art, they have to put some or all of their own influences and emotions into the piece in order for it to come out great. Whether its canvas painting or all the way up to designing a building.
It's such a heartbreaking statement to make. If you're creating something for someone as a gift, sure some of yourself goes in to that and it can't be any other way, but you're spending time taking your love of creating and turning that creation in to a gesture of love for the person you are gifting it to. It's absolutely about the receiver of the gift as well. It's a representation of how you are willing to give so much of yourself to another person and it is deeply personal and vulnerable to do so. If it weren't about the receiver then it would be a product and you'd be charging them money for it. If someone gifts me something they put their own passion in to creating, that alone is so special to me.
@@wanderer202Right?? Imagine applying this to literally any other profession. "Well Mr Doctor, when you give me my heart surgery you're really just doing it for yourself, so, I don't want it!" The reality is that *most if not all* of us are doing work for ourselves, whether that be artistic, or intellectual, or merely for money or a million other reasons, we are personally invested in what we do. When we take the time to provide our expertise and passion in the service of someone else, it seems incredible rude to turn them down on the basis of "you do it for yourself." Personally if someone told me that I'd have trouble seeing them in a warm light for the foreseeable future, and if they were more of an acquaintance I'd probably just drop them, as they have signaled that my emotional investment into them is of extremely low value to them, and there are other friends who value that effort much more.
Adam was wanting to make something for their house, which creates a sense of obligation. The whole thesis of this video is what to do with a homemade item you don't want. If Adam makes them something and they don't like it, or do like it but eventually want to remove it, what do they do? Throw it away? Choosing to avoid the situation and say "get me a gift I can discard as my discretion" is perfectly reasonable.
@@johnylaw04 saying "You making something for us is about you, not about us" absolutely does not communicate what you just suggested, and is instead literally communicating that someone who makes a gift for someone else is doing it selfishly. That may not have been their intention, but it was the actual words they said or loud. The message they gave was "Making something for us is selfish, so we'd rather have something cheap and meaningless than anything you might make."
Thank you Adam! First time I heard somebody acknowledge the pain you feel when somebody disses you and the time you spend on your makings ,knowingly or unknowingly. But you made me feel better, thank you buddy!
Thank you for this. When I was a little girl up until maybe 13, I made ornaments for our family Christmas tree. Some were little kid things, but some were sewn, sculpted, and not too bad. Certainly pretty on a family Christmas tree. After many moves, my parent's tree would come up and I'd visit and see them there, until one year at Christmas, I check the tree and they were gone. "Mom, what happened to all the ornaments?" "Oh, I threw all that old stuff away." I was stunned. She never offered them to me, just tossed out my childhood, even after she saw me lovingly go over them each Christmas. I was very hurt then, and still today, 30 years later, it makes me cry. I didn't make anything in any medium again, for years.
I've had this experience a couple of times with my music work. A 30 year acquaintance (but never met in person) told me a few months ago that I should "stop doing all that shite. No one wants to hear it". The person knew my recent history, and maybe he meant it playfully, buuut... "My recent history" is "still recovering from a 3 month hospital stay" which left me with minimal comprehension, conceptualization, and planning skills. My music outlet these days is what it is, and it's coming back, slowly. Thanks for the support, person in story.
The 30 yr acquaintance that you've never met in person is not your friend. Simply drop such people out of your life and never give it a second thought.
I don't know if it will help anyone else, but it has helped me. "All gifts are freely given and freely taken. If that is not true, it is not a gift, it is a chain." That means the giftee is completely free to do what they wish with the thing given to them. Letting go of the future of the gift was liberating. I am cautious about who I give what as I want my labor to be appreciated, but giving the gift is the act I engage in and am rewarded by. But I am a weirdo, so it might just be me.
I agree and this mindset has also helped me a lot. When I make something it is a bit like a part of me I have to let go, even if I am proud of what I made, if I give it as a gift my involvement is done.. Letting it go really helps me cherish what I learned when making the thing, acknowledge its beauty and then move on to the next project. Since nothing will last forever, everything will eventually be destroyed and weirdly I find that comforting in the context of letting go of the things I made.
I like this way of thinking about gift giving and no, i dont think you are a weirdo. Sometimes, i get that "if you love it you have to let it go and if it loves you it will come back" feeling about inanimate objects which is completely irrational, but there anyways. Thus, when i give a gift and i later see it again because someone has kept it or is using it, that gives me a warm feeling like it came back to me.
This is the mindset I've had for a while. I'm a painter (abstract acrylics) as well as an amateur maker. Whether I give something away or sell it, once it's gone it's gone. They can hang my work in a gallery, or set it on fire, but my part is done. Besides, I'm probably already working on the next project.
It does make a difference to free your efforts because it happens all the time.. like feedback.. "this I am really proud of" and of course that is the time you get almost no feedback... I always ask myself these days : "who are you making this for?" If the journey is not enough and you need a response that will resonate with your own already defined feelings it is alot to ask from others... :)
yes! I find receiving gifts quite stressful/burdening, as I don't want to own lots of stuff and am rherefore very particular about what I buy. receiving gifts usually feel like a chore: having to thank thr giver with a card, or worse, with a material gift. And figuring out what to do with an object I do not need or like...
Years ago I made not one, but two, single crochet, queen size afghans for a friend. One in her color choice, and one in her husband's favorite color. Flash forward to the day she insisted I look under her deck to see the bed she made for some stray cats in the area. You guessed it. She used the two afghans to make the bed on a pile of dirt under that deck. I looked at them, and thought to myself, "It's a good thing I'm an animal lover". I just stood up, told her it looked like the cats would be happy there, and never acknowledge that I recognized the blankets. Our friendship didn't last long after that, and since then, I don't make anything for anyone unless they ask me to do so.
This is why I try to keep everything my kids make, and make sure it’s obvious that it’s being kept. That little vote of confidence can instrumental to their confidence. Knowing that the people you value more than anything else in the world also value your effort and time is sadly not something all, or even a lot of kids seem to get.
I heard recently about a veteran who was cleaning out his mom's attic after she'd passed, and found boxes of all his art projects from school, stuff he'd thought that she'd thrown away. He bawled like a baby. I couldn't do that, if only because I'm already too fixated on keeping things for the least little coolness about them, and clining to physical objects to that degree has harmed our household and made it partially nonfunctional. I would hope to train my kids to create wildly, but not to hang on to all their creations -- take your favorites, take what you've learned, and let most of the things you've made fall by the wayside to make way for new things as you grow and create newer and cooler things. It's a principle I wish my brain were better at putting into practice. (Though also: Keep *some* of the things you made when you were little, because the comparison of how your skills have grown over time is a good reminder to an anxious brain that yes, you can and do get better as you put in the time. It's also the reason I love reading webcomics that started with amateur art, where the artist grew along with the comic instead of already being a skilled artist before starting the comic. Comics like Selkie, El Goonish Shive, Schlock Mercenary, Sluggy Freelance, Gunnerkrigg Court, they're all dear to my heart for showing me that growth is a factor of *putting in time* above anything else. Showing up and doing, and not letting the amateur quality hold you back, but trusting that you will, in fact, improve, and that it's okay to be where you are right now because that's not the sum total of what you *can* be.)
For anyone who doesn't know about this idea - go research "Guess culture" vs "Ask culture." You can avoid A LOT of uncomfortable rejections like the question-asker's, if you can learn to ASK FIRST, IF the person would like a gift, instead of offering the service, or making it entirely and THEN getting the rejection. "What would you like me to make for you?" IS a question, yes, but it needs to be taken back a step, like, "Would you like me to make something for you?" Those are very different questions. If you don't see the difference, imagine being asked, "Where would you like to go out for dinner?" compared to, "Do you want to go out for dinner?" There's some assumptions being made in the first question, ie, that the person WILL ACCEPT. That's Guess Culture, assuming that the person will accept. It's harder to politely decline when there's the pressure of "I already decided you will get this, so your only option is what kind." Of course, you yourself can always decide to go out to dinner alone (aka make a thing for just you) - it's when you try to involve a second party without their prior knowledge that the etiquette part shows up. This is just stuff you end up learning, moving to a lotta different states and having an autistic family member who teaches you how Guess Culture really doesn't work for them... And by you I mean me XD
Well said. The family member telling Adam that when he makes something for someone, it's more about him than them, might be hurtful, but there's probably a true core to it. That's not to say the offer didn't come from a genuine wish to do something nice for them, and we might come up with explanations like envy on their part, or being aware that they aren't able to repay the favor in kind, but ultimately, we have to to respect their wishes and maybe ask if they want something like this at all.
Thank you. I think that I really needed to hear this because I initially resisted what you were saying but it then made me think. I realized that it might apply to me more than I was comfortable with. Thank you for shaking me up a little and making me look at myself.
I can only partly get behind this. While I appreciate the "Would you like to go out" vs "Where do you want to go", a LOT of people, when asked "Do you want me to make you something" would absolutely say no, whether they wanted a handmade gift or not. It's courtesy-culture. Also, it's very often nice to surprise people, and likewise, many people enjoy being surprised.
For gift giving, the one good "guess" option is "What would you like for Christmas/birthday/etc?" If they don't want anything in particular, plain old money is always an option. The same kids I've given heartfelt handmade gifts to have also gotten gift cards with a little $1 trinket depending on what they wanted at a given time.
I knit my mother a scarf for Christmas. It had elaborate cables, and the yarn was soft and chunky, perfect for 60- degree Fahrenheit Southern California winters. My heart sank a little when she showed me how carefully she was about to store the thang between two clean pieces of cloth in a box, presumably to be stuck away in her closet somewhere. The weather was already perfect for wearing it ... yet she saw fit to put it away as some random artifact, the way curators do with obscure items of quality in museums. As far as I know, that scarf was worn once - by me - on a day when I forgot to bring a jacket. While I'm sure she APPRECIATED the skill, time and effort I put in making the gift, she signaled that she didn’t LIKE her new handmade scarf. I stopped knitting and sewing accessories for her. At least, my siblings are knitworthy!
This has happened to me twice!! I said if you don't want or no longer want it, give it back to me. I made a prop gun from an Anime for a friend. After the convention, he was just going to toss it in the trash because he had no room for it. Luckily, I was able to ask him for it back before he threw it away. Some people just don't have sentimental or consideration for things that we make.
Some people are just unaware of how much effort goes into making a thing, because they've never done it. To them it appeared in their life as easy as you giving it to them, why would it occur to them that it was more than the inconvenience of lugging around a single-purpose item they'd bought on amazon after they were done with it? Disposable mentality at play.
I make hand designed and painted Holiday cards. Many times people will acknowledge them. Utter surprise to me when i visited 2 of my friends and they had them on display for past years!! Having said that, when i get no acknowledgement (doesn't have to be praise) then next year they get store bought. My sister, when i encouraged her to take up a hobby, said "I appreciate other people's creations." And that summed it up. She enjoys others' work. Love her simplicity❤
More "ask Adam" videos here: th-cam.com/video/nq44ZEe_zMI/w-d-xo.html
Hi love your videos ❤
KitbashCarnage hear at the age of 31 iv recently got back into the warhammer/kitbashing community agen after taking 15year brake after 500cash worth of warhammergot stolenon me .
I have taken the leap head on and started a youtube channel along with Instagram, Facebook and Tiktok. It's hard with this algorithm thing is somthing to get used to along with editing and so on but my love and the flame for my lost passion has been reignited more then ever and dont plan on stopping soon .
Along with having lots of content plans and already in the pipeline and also a Revamp to all social media with new header picture and profile picture from a digital contractor I sorced I hope to just gain more traction to the community iv came back to 🔥
Regards
KitbashCarnage
Sorry, what did they make? I don't know this word, and can't google it.
@@Ladyoftheroundtable Geegaw, apparently somekind of toy or trinket..? Totally new word to me too, and subtitles weren't at all helpful.
@@Ladyoftheroundtable "Geegaw" is a word very much like "knick knack" or "doodad" or "thingamajig." In usage it can mean "an object with no real specific use" but can also mean "an object whose specific purpose is not important to the story." The unnamed "geegaw" object in the question could be just about anything.
I don't understand what it was that the letter writer said they made for themselves and the family member. Anyone have a clue?
Gen X here... In first grade we had an assignment to make ashtrays out of air hardening clay. I gave it to my uncle and 42 years later just after he passed away I was going through his things and found it. He had kept it all those years -never used it- just kept it. That discovery gave me a profound feeling of happiness that I cannot put into words.
I know how you feel. I made a clay person for my aunt (it was fired clay, though). After her passing, her son sent me images, not only of my clay person that she kept, but all the pictures I had drawn or painted and given to her. It gave me such a feeling of love and "worth" that I still tear up about it.
The good ol clay ash tray!!
I made a self promise that whatever I was gifted I would make good use of this.
Those are such sweet stories! I still have all of the clay presents and drawings my kids made for me. My kids still keep all of the stuffies and some toys that were special to them as kids. Just because it was crafted doesn't make it worthless. No, they're priceless and should be cherished. Stay kind and loving to each other. ❤
We live in a credit card, plastic, disposable, fast food world and sometimes people put more value on the valueless and no value on the genuine and authentic. The fault is theirs. Continue to create out of a good heart, because there are many who appreciate and value what is made with one's hands and heart
Beautifully said. Many years ago in our poorer day I made a potholder for my MIL for Christmas. I was trying to learn to quilt so it was very basic but made with love. Imagine the sweet surprise when, after she had passed, I found the potholder among her kitchen things...stained, little burn marks on it, but it had been USED. I felt loved and appreciated in that moment. ❤
❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️
She must have been one of the better MILs, one of those we never hear about because there are no complaints.
About 40 years ago my aunt made a Raggedy Ann doll for me. I’ve kept it and displayed it all these years. As you can imagine it got a bit ragged and the fabric on her legs had basically rotted and needed to be replaced and the elastic on her dress was loose and dried out. This woman is in her 70’s now and I was almost embarrassed to ask her to the make the repairs. She was so happy and proud that I had kept her gift all these years. She made the repairs and made Raggedy a whole new dress. She good for another 40 years ♥️♥️♥️
❤ ❤ ❤
I made a potholder for my mother at a school summer program as a kid. It gave me so much joy to make her something and it made me become the kind of mom who loves what my child could do.
Several years ago I knitted a blanket for my mom for her birthday. Upon her death a few years later, I found out that she had instructed another family member that upon her passing to be sure the blanket was placed in her casket with her. The blanket covered her bottom half. I can't explain how valued and validated I felt by my mom because of this.
This is so sweet 😭She wanted to make sure she took and kept a piece of you with her always ❤
Beautiful story! Heartwarming.
The sweetest ever.🥰
That is unbelievably sweet 🥰😭😭
Right on, Mom! 😂RIP. 😇😍
In quilting, we ask ourselves if the recipients are quilt worthy
Same thing with knitting…are they knitworthy… or, as a Maker, ask yourself if they are “_______” worthy
It is why the sweater curse is a real thing
My friend asked me if I had hobbies. I explained I used to do stained glass & have a big pile of new glass in my basement. And I said my daughter told me, Mom, no more stained glass pieces. My friend said, well you could make it and sell it. No. I can’t do that. Time and love goes into each piece, so they can’t just go anywhere.
I'm in my 80s. I'm with you on this. I even had a bride return a quilt to me because she didn't like the colors and wanted to exchange it. It was the double wedding ring pattern. I told her I didn't have another one in that pattern. She told me I could just make another. She had no idea how long it took to make a hand stitched quilt. I took the quilt back, and she never got another. Her mother was totally humiliated over it.
@@rayshelld791 At least she returned it to you! Hugs!!
My granddaughter asked me to crochet her a king size blanket. We went to the store and she picked out the color and then we looked up patterns. ( Stitches ). She found one she liked. I'm on disability so I don't have extra money. I spent 140$ on yarn and it took me 6 months to make. She threw it away because she said she didn't like the way it looked on her bed and it took me long to make. She had changed her mind and didn't want it. I was mad because she could have given it back. That was 10 years ago and I'm not over it yet.
Oh no!
How very rude of her. I hope you told her off. I would never buy or make her a present ever again, she is not worth your effort.
I’m so sorry she is that unappreciative of such a thoughtful gift. If you still even give her gifts I would just give her gift cards with extremely little money on them. She still has a lot to learn about love.
oh wow. So sorry that happened!
You were very kind and thoughtful to have put so much into making such a special handmade gift.
I hope who ever found it appreciated it as it was meant to be appreciated and enjoyed. 💟
sorry little miss...but no more gifts.
I recently had a similar experience with my granddaughter. I crocheted a queen size blanket for her wedding present. She texted me months later & asked if I could make her another one, because she put it in the dog's cage & the dog chewed it up! I felt like I was kicked in the teeth! I was so angry & so hurt that she thought so little of something I had made for her, spending over $100 & hours & hours of my time. My text back to her was NO! I also spent hours making a beautiful shawl for my grandson's girlfriend, only to have her take it out of the package, look at it & roll it into a ball & throw it on the couch. When I went back 3 days later, it was still there! Everything I make is made with love & if the recipient doesn't know or understand that it's their loss.
In my early adulthood I had money trouble. Not terrible but Christmas was always hard for me to come up with good gifts. I fabricate and build things a lot, and I am good at it. My shtick (correct word?) has always been the ability to "make something out of nothing." I made several custom gifts that I thought were great, and took a lot of time for a family member. One was given back to me, completely forgotten that I was the one that made it and gave it to them. One I found buried in storage like a week later. Found a few in the dumpster. Found one on the side of the road for sale. Etc, etc. To me these were very well thought out, individualized, time consuming gifts. I switched to gift cards after that. I was told gift cards are pointless and there is no thought or care put into that crap. Now we don't exchange anything. Or see each other. For other reasons. Even though you won't see this buried in the comments, I appreciate the video. Makes me feel like I'm not the only one feeling things like this.
I saw your note! I'm like you, see things and wonder what I can make out of it. I've also gotten into making cards & tags now because my "cool" stuff isn't appreciated like I feel it should be. My expectation is that a card will be thrown away, so I can deal with that.
For those family members, I've given tickets, so they can have an experience and not more stuff. Plus, I've gotten way less shy about asking what they want rather than guessing.
When I was a kid I went with a friend to her Vacation Bible School where we dyed Cheerios multi colors and strung them on a piece of string for necklaces. I gave it to my mother and she wore it to work. She told me how everyone admired it and were surprised - Cheerios. It got me started on arts and crafts, making odd things out of odd materials. She continued wearing it til she remarried in '95 and moved when she gave it to me. I put the 60(?)-yr-old thing minus some 'beads' in her coffin along with my Dutch rag doll she kept. Mommy was the best; she loved my decorated Xmas present wrappings.
What a wonderful story and a simply wonderful mother! That made my eyes tear up. Thankyou for sharing
This brought happy tears to my eyes!
That's love!!
My mom would wear all the jelly my little brother made her and the hats, scarfs sweaters I made here to her dress shop she owned. One day she came home with yarn and told me to make a hat and scarf for a regular customer that came in and wanted it. I did and made 30.00. My mom's love encouraged me
@@sherrolmohn8686 Your mom was awesome!
A man I really didn't know well did woodwork, and presented me with a small, simple, but lovely bowl that he had made. When he recieved my Thank you note, he sent ME a Thank you and told me that in all the years he had given these, no one had ever written him a Thank you note before. He was over 60.
My dad made me a hand made live edge bowl. He's in his 80's now. IF my house catches fire I'm grabbing that bowl🧡Sweet about the thank you note😊That is a dying art. My 5th grade teacher taught me how to compose them. 🧡Happy 4th of July week❗🇺🇸✨🎇🎆🌞
Some years ago I helped an in-his-forties man and his wife and son to beach their kayaks on the bank of a swollen swiftly-flowing tidal river, and in the process, the man accidentally lost his glasses in the rushing current. I offered to go look for the glasses early the next morning when the water-level had gone down, and the man was surprised and pleased --- "In all my life, I have never had anyone offer to be so kind or helpful like that!" Well, that's just the kind of nice guy I am, plus it wasn't even that difficult a task, either --- I merely strolled through the firm mud to look left and right on the riverbed till I saw the glasses sitting out on the flats, and then rinsed them off and returned them to him. Plus my offer to perform said helpful act was just "second nature" to me, too --- I'VE always appreciated it when OTHER FOLKS go the extra mile for ME, and so I MYSELF wanna do the same for OTHERS, as well. :)
It is heartbreaking that appreciation and specifically going to the effort of thanking someone for their thoughtfulness is a rare thing these days. I have seen it and heard of it from my friends but my response is that I do not care to give anything else to that person - young or old.
@@juliejohnson497 Yeah, it seems like nowadays, the grimly-tongue-in-cheek saying, "No good deed goes unpunished" is especially true --- you labor super-hard to perform a kind action or produce a nice object for someone, but then you're lucky if they even react positively to it; sometimes they may actually say or do something NEGATIVE OR HURTFUL in response, almost as if they are jealous of your caring and/or resentful that you appear to be "showing them up" because they themselves never bother to do any Good-Samaritan acts like that. Like maybe you help out one or more destitute people, and then they come and burgle your house while you're away, and then fence the stolen items for pennies-on-the-dollar to feed their drug habits. Or you find someone's wallet, and spend half your afternoon trying to return it, only to have the owner then just dash off a super-brief and grudging "abbreviations" thank-you message ("I got it thx"), and THEN when you sorrowfully complain about his lack of gratitude for all of your time and effort on his behalf, he arrogantly accuses you of being a freeloader who isn't worthy of his respect! (Both of these unfortunate things have happened to me --- once with a lost wallet, and several times with having valuables taken from my house.) Not to brag or anything, but I always greatly value and try to show ample gratitude for ANY AND ALL caring/kindness that others show towards me --- I even fondly recall helpful stuff that people did for me back in GRADE SCHOOL, nearly 50 years ago!
Wow
I make things for people. I can spend a lot of time and effort doing it. However, the recipient is not obligated to like it just because I made it. I always put a note inside a box or on the item, " I made this with my own two hands. If your eyes do not like it, it is perfectly OK. We are all unique and have different tastes. All I ask is that you either return it back to the hands who made it or pass it along to someone special who will love it, as that will fill my heart too! Just please don't throw me out. No matter what, it was given because I care about you!"
that recipient not liking it is 100000% valid and fair. that recipient (especially an actual family member) saying "don't bother", and with them essentially implying that it would just be a narcissistic practice, seems completely insane to me.
It is a horrendous to me that the principal didn’t AT THE VERY LEAST contact your parents and attempt to return the art to you! He just mindlessly threw it away, who does that!? 😢
This is an excellent tactic; I'm going to use this when I give my next handmade gift :)
Emotional blackmail, much?
I really like your approach!
Very relatable. My family treats anything I make as "You can't afford to buy me something?" while my friends love the things I make. Sometimes family members are the worst critics.
Yeah, that's not criticism, that's materialism. "Give me money because I value nothing else"
That is frustrating because what they don’t understand is that supplies to make things are NOT cheap. Sometimes more money is put into the Handmade item than would be into something I can buy.
Speaking personally, the reason I value "utility" objects like tools, housewares, second-hand furniture, cash, etc. more is *because* they fill a role in my life and when they break they need to be replaced.
I don't value "aesthetic" gifts nearly as much because I simply don't have enough available surface area in my cramped little apartment to accomodate another "object d'art". Most of the ones I do have, I need to throw out the moment shelf space or wall area is required.
Gifts from friends or family members can only really be safely "disposed of" like radioactive waste:
Lost in transit to or from a thousand-year storage site.
Do they think you conjured the meterials for the thing out of thin air?
As the saying goes, 'you choose your friends, not your family.'
I had a college friend who was a woodworker. Went on to do incredible stuff. When I got married, his gift was a cutting board he made, and I CHERISHED that thing and babied it for years because it meant so much more that he made it himself.
Yep. As someone who makes stuff I tend to highly value anything somebody themself. And I know I'm not alone in that.
In my early teens I did a lot of leathercraft and leather carving. I made stuff for everybody. I'm sure most of it is long gone. That was in the '70s after all. But when my grandmother died a few years ago, my Mom gave me two items ( a key case and a luggage tag) that I had made for my grandmother 50 years ago. She had kept them all these years.
Truth be told, I'd have been happier if the key case had been heavily worn from regular use. But it was nice know that she valued them enough to at least keep them.
Because you're psychologically healthy! However wonderfully a thing is made for us - many of us will have a tortured relationship with being given something that so much consideration has gone into.
I've been given things by people I really, really cherish. Things that are actually more useful to me than if they had been some generic shop bought version. Still, though, felt very uneasy about it and had the urge to keep the thing at a distance and maybe not love it back and consider the probability that it's never actually going to be mine and so on. We're getting into attachment styles and emotional trauma. That's why handmade gifts are sometimes so controversial.
@@batintheattic7293 That's true. It so much depends on the relationship between two people. The flip side of a beautiful home made gift is that it can (sometimes, not always) be a burden, an obligation. I make some things but never give them as gifts. I know deep down that I ultimately make things for my own enjoyment, the joy being in the making, not the end product, so I don't want someone else to feel obligated to accept it. Sometimes I just put things around my home and if a friend or relative authentically really loves it I will tell them they can have it. One offer, then never mention it again if they have second thoughts. This protects my heart as well as theirs.
I have been in the devastatingly heartbreaking situation of having normal purchased gifts rejected outright, scorned, returned. For family members now I just give cash to the amount I would spend. To me it's incredibly shallow and empty, but it's the only way I can block the potential rejection.
What a sweet heart you have. ❤
I grew up in a poor family, my siblings treasured store bought things because all we ever had were remade, hand made and others cast offs. My mom felt bad she couldn't by toys that break with no memories, the older grands treasured her Christmas pjs.
As an artist, I want to say thank you for making this video, and thank you to the folks writing great comments here.
I work hard on my art. I will barely show my work to anyone I am related to because they aren’t interested. The only people that seem interested at all are other artists. I have done paintings for people only to never see them on those walls. I don’t know if they threw them away or what. The same type of thing for other types of creative work I have done. Makes me always wonder if my work just is not good enough.
There is nothing more expensive, important, and special than your own time. Giving that away is the greatest gift any of us can give.
Sadly people with no skills or hobbies tend to have too much time on their hands, so they aren't able to appreciate what a gift it really is.
Thank you, thank you, thank you!
@@Berkeloid0Nice generalization, there.
@@shefalichow7917judgemental, too.
Truth x
I think it's important to remember that because someone doesn't like something, doesn't mean it's bad.
When my niece was 5, I was making a commission for someone where I 3D printed a fairy miniature, painted it, then cast it in a clear resin crystal. My niece fell in love with it, so I made a second one for her and she was overjoyed. Over the next few years, I made her a whole bunch of fantasy display minis.
A few years later I found out that the pieces I'd spent over 100 hours each on where living in the bottom of her wardrobe, they only came out when I visited. It turned out that she loved fairies specifically, not fantasy stuff in general...but I kept making those things for her and she didn't want to hurt my feelings to tell me she didn't like them.
I wasn't hurt, I wasn't offended. I just took the pieces she didn't like back and asked her if she still liked fairies...we spent the next couple hours picking out a model she liked on my minifactory and coming up with a colour scheme.
The way I look at it is a machinist could spend weeks making me an absolutely perfect, top of the line golf club, the type of thing a professional golfer would kill for. Me? I have no interest in golf. I wouldn't want that as a gift... but me not wanting it isn't a reflection on the quality of the object or the skill of the maker.
On the other hand, for mother's day I gave my mum a minotaur head bust that I'd printed and painted and given goth makeup. Deliberately garish and ugly, It was a pure gag gift, I gave it to her, told her how I'd hand-made it, and how much time I'd put into it, so because it was such a thoughtful hand made gift I expect it to be given pride of place on the mantle in the living room. About an hour later I let her in on the joke, told her she could get rid of it....but four years later it's still there.
I think it's important to remember that because someone made something it's probably bad.
My takeaway from your story is that you have a very caring family!
you gotta give without any expectations. You have to be perfectly fine with however the recipient chooses to respond or "do with" what you gave them. Otherwise, if you hold on to your expectations of how someone should respond, it's not really a "gift" but is instead "transactional."
A second point: What is gift giving among adults anyway? What is the purpose of giving an adult a gift that they are completely capable of purchasing on their own? It's not an act of generosity,. People say it is the thought that counts but, what thought? "I thought you should have this thing you dont need and if you wanted it that bad you would have bought it yourself, so here it is, aren't you thrilled?"
What the hell is that?!
At Christmas, adult siblings eye each other's gifts judging and comparing their value taking away all sense of generosity and replacing it with entitlement.
"I spent $30 on that gift and all he got me was a DVD of some movie I dont want to watch?"
With that attitude we might as well all just sit in a circle, take a $20 bill from our wallets and hand it to the person next to you. Everyone gets a gift of equal value. Because that's al gift giving among adults really is.
Gifts are for children and newlyweds. People who otherwise wouldnt be able to acquire what you are giving them. Not your peers. That's just showing off.
This right here. This is what every maker needs to know. Just because you spent hours of your precious time on it does not mean someone else HAS to like it. And just because someone does not like it, does not mean that what you made isn’t totally amazing! We pour our souls into our creations, so we take it personally when someone is not a fan because we transfer that feeling to “they must not like me either” when it may be something as simple as “I like fairies but not minotaurs”. But there is someone out there that loves minotaurs and doesn’t care for fairies. So keep creating!
Wow, she was so sweet! Is sweet🥰
When i was in middle school i made a little clay dragon and was so proud of it. Teacher said it was the "best" in the class. Brought it home, knowing my mom would love it and instead she kept nitpicking it.....until i yelled out, "just say you like it!". Her response, "but i dont like it". Shocked, i ran to my room and destroyed it. I never made another thing with my hands again for almost 30yrs, when i discovered leather work. Now i have a shop of my own, but still struggle daily with that nasty imposter syndrome and the fear that no one will like what i make. But at least now i fight back against those harmful thoughts.
I feel this so much! My mother had an angel cabinet and one year she asked for a new angel for Christmas. I decided that not only would she get a new angel but I would sculpt it by hand. I hadn’t done anything like that before so it took me a good month to complete, although I was very satisfied with the results. Well the morning came and she opened her gift, looked at it in confusion, and set it aside without saying a word. It was soul-crushing! My pops saw how hurt I was and later told me something that I’ve kept in mind every time I’ve gifted a piece since, “She just saw the final piece son. She didn’t see the hours and hours of time and care you put into it. And unfortunately people may not place the same value on it that you do.”. You will continue to grow and get better, but don’t put it on someone else to assign value to your work!
Well said.
Great dad!❤
My late mother in law. I made her many things. She never thanked me. But would mention the beautiful bought gifts she received…she just didn’t appreciate hand made. It was very saddening for me, and I just felt sorry for her. If there was no price sticker, for hert was worthless.
@spifmcgrif84 God bless your dad - a wise and empathic man! ❤
I disagree. Its mean and rude and why does this person think they are so high and mighty that only big material gifts count? As a mother I loved anything from my child. Now she's an artist.
I made a wooden mallet for my neighbor who was born in 1935 from a tree we were cutting up together last year. I was showing it to him yesterday saying I made something from the tree and he just loved it then I told him I was glad he likes it because I made it for him. He teared up, stood up and hugged me.
I was a very creative child, but my mother threw everything away that I made for her, the only thing that survived, was a crocheted pan holder that my dad insisted on using. I have one child, now an adult, who constantly made things, they are my treasures. The bulk of her creations are stored safely in old suitcases in the attic, some things are in a box in my bedside cabinet, some things are in a drawer in my lounge, I have the pleasure of seeing them every time I open that drawer. Each little thing is a light that has brightened our journey through life together, it is pure love.
My mom threw all our gifts away too. As an adult I thought she might like a cool pattern I was working on. I personalized it for her. I worked for hours, and days. She threw it away. It still hurts.
My kids mostly made artwork, so I have a ton to go through. I am going to put a chosen few in a photo album dedicated to that purpose which turns many objects into one truly valuable one.
Yeah, been there, done that. Usually it only hurts for a decade or two.
Haha - funny guy. I've got things from 3+ decades ago that nobody else on the planet remembers, but can pop into my head and make me physically cringe in embarrassment. Flaw in our programming, as humans, in my opinion.
@@jaywhy3178we have unflawed code??
Word
Sometimes for a lifetime. I still can’t t put a story on paper because my dad criticized a story I wrote when I was a little girl. He criticized it to death. My writing. I tell the best stories. I just can’t put them on paper because those words keep haunting me. I am 54 now.
@@angelaguinnip7269your dad is just one person on earth who happened to not like your writing. Don’t let one person stop you from something you like doing.
When I give a gift that I have made, I make sure to give it along with all the emotional attachment I had for it. That way, no matter what its eventual fate, I don't have to grieve for it.
For the same reason I never lend books. if I think a friend would enjoy it or find it useful, I give it to them. If they want to, they can return it, but crucially, I don't expect to see it again.
Insulate yourself from the grief of loss by letting go completely when the gift is made.
This is a really good point. Makes me think of donating money to good causes, or even gambling - don't give away more than you can afford to do without.
Waiting on tenterhooks for something you love to return is AGONIZING, and if you can avoid it easily by making or buying a new one to send out instead of your ONLY one? Mega based life hack.
I find it safer to not have friends.
You are absolutely correct about that! If it “ touched your soul “ or at least mattered to you, does not mean it will mean the same to others… accept do not expect, the share is often “ one way”.
THAT is a very, very, very sound approach to the subject. It only took the loss of my favorite DVD for me to come to this understanding as well.
good advice
A happy story about gift giving....
My Aunt worked in libraries, had a masters degree, very high up in the state library system she worked for. She had no kids, and all her life she took care of her mother, until she (my grandmother passed on.) She sent presents every birthday, and Christmas, and cards every holiday, Halloween, Easter, all of them, to each and every niece and nephew she had, always writing that the gift was from Grandma and Aunt Barbara.
She lived out of state, but would come to family reunions, all that. I'd never had any lengthy conversation with her until when I was in my mid thirties. Barb had come to out town for a family reunion but her car had broke down and had to be fixed. I was asked to take her with me for the day and she would drop her car off at the mechanics and then come to my house for a visit while the car was being fixed.
She was always kind of a quiet person, very gentle and always kind. As we talked, I realized I had an unexpected moment to tell her a little story.
I mentioned to her that when I was 15 she send me a book for Christmas about a little girl in an orphanage. Months later I found it on my shelf and decided to read it. And I loved it. Really loved it.
I told her that I read it so often that the paperback had disintegrated (but I could still read it!) So when I moved into my first apartment and got my first real paycheck, I went down to local bookstore and asked if they had the book. No. Out of print. But... they did a search and found a copy in a used bookstore in another state that they could order for me. I said yes.
Then I showed Aunt Barbara the hardback book I had ordered when I was 19.... pages bent, spine creased, as I still would read either parts or the whole book once every couple of years.
Tears feel down Barbara's cheeks. Holding the hardback book, she whispered, "That's,. oh my. You send the gifts and no one really says if it was the right fit for them, you just never know. This.... you reading it into a mess of pages with tape and string, then getting a hardback copy of the book and then still keeping that for years...." Her face was flushed and more tears slide down her cheeks, "That means so very much to me."
Sometimes even years later, you find out how much it means to someone that you kept their gift. Or like me, kept the spirit of the gift, a gift I got years of enjoyment out of and which I still, at 63 tears old, have the hardback book and yes, still read it again every couple of years. Now my reading of it is because of her tears. Seeing how much it meant to her that a gift was so treasured.
We became actual real friends that day, not just and Aunt and Niece. We called each other once a week at least, just to chat, to have rambling conversations. When she'd call and I'd pick up the phone, she would say, "Hello,. my friend." And that was a present to me to hear that's how she thought of me. I was her friend. And she mine.
She passed away just 8 years ago now, but still, I look to the sky a few times a year and I whisper, "Hello, my friend,"
If you have a gift that was given to you even years ago, It is a thought to mention it to the person, hey, you know that necklace you made me, I still wear it so often, its one of my very favorite peices..... or
..... that huge blanket you crocheted for my son Stone? yea, he's taking it to college with him. He still loves that blanket.
If interested, the book I've read and re-read for years was Mandy, by Julie Edwards. Julie Edwards was her maiden name, it was actually Julie Andrews, who is the movie star from the 1960s (?) movie "The Sound of Music". The book was really more suitable for girl around 11 or 12.... but at 15 it was still a magical journey of a little girl finding parents all her own.
I love that book!
I really love that book, too. I gave my copy to my niece, but now you've made me want to go find a new copy for myself!
I got that book for my birthday when I was a little girl! Still one of my favorites and now one of my daughter's favorites.
My grandfather hobby was carving. I have all of his left over carvings. One was the only one I called out when I was about 12 little over 30 years ago. That carving is what I consider is my most valuable possession. Before he passed lots of people wanted that carving. But it was also the only one I had told him I wanted when he was done it. He kept it unfinished for years. Then around his last years finished it. Later when my house is done i will buy a glass display case and display all of his work that I have.
That is truly the way to honor something handmade by a person you loved and respected. I hope in turn you will find someone as appreciative of the carving as you are!
When my daughter. Rachel was about 3 years old, she had made a drawing and folded it like a greeting card as a gift for our friend Benny, who had dropped in for a visit. It was typical 3 year old art, but she just loved Benny and poured her heart into.it. After Benny left I heard Rachel crying in the living room. Benny had left her gift behind. Her 3 year old heart was shattered. The hurt has no age limit.
Surely that was not a shattering experience - disappointing, yes - very disappointing - probably. And did Benny just accidently forget to take it?
@@viviennehayes2856 Just butting in - I would say, yes shattering.
You could have called Benny and have make a big deal about forgetting his card.
@@viviennehayes2856 for a 3 year old, yes.
I would have told her that he just forgot it, and tell her she could give it to him the next time he visited. Then, I would have a serious talk with Benny.
Regifting is one thing. Throwing it in the trash is a whole other thing. You put your heart into your gift. They trash that gift, they are telling you exactly what they think of you and how much they value your relationship. People like that don't deserve your time and effort.
Destroying a kid's possessions out of anger is so incredibly immature, and hurts them so badly in ways that I think the guardian cannot even comprehend, assuming they even care. I remember my father destroying my computer because, if I recall correctly, I said something my father didn't like after being dragged into a financial argument with my parents - I was maybe 11 or 12 at the time. It took a number of years for me to really fall in love with tech in the same way again, but as an adult I'm happy to say I now enjoy a very interesting career in IT Ops. 😊
Also, I just want to say I really appreciate these Q&As and I wish I'd had this kind of encouragement growing up myself. I hope to be able to give that back to people myself.
I spent a decade as a child/teen feeling like any moment I stepped out of line my dad would likely send a sledge hammer through my computer.
I agree that destroying things out of anger is not a useful parenting tool, but on the other hand, things like computers are privileges, not necessities. Children are not entitled to those things, and they don't own them. Their parents do. If they want to keep those privileges, then they should behave and be responsible with them. Otherwise, they can learn that in life their actions and decisions have consequences.
@@Snugglez187 Yeah but you do that by temporarily restricting access to the reward, not by permanently removing it. Otherwise the child has nothing to look forward to when the punishment is over, limiting the learning experience of the punishment. By your argument if you make a mistake on the road the government should crush your car, but that won't teach people to be safe drivers, it'll instead teach them to take more risks to outrun the cops if they get caught because the punishment is too severe.
@@Snugglez187 _Destroying_ a computer is absolutely the wrong way to go about it. Everything about it screams creating an unsafe environment.
This is how we feel when we find handmade quilts at goodwill or the trash. All the time, effort and imagination that goes into those creations is immense. And to have it not be appreciated and saved for future generations is heartbreaking.
Yes! I always feel like I’ve hit the jackpot and found a treasure when I find original artwork or a handmade piece! I feel like if it speaks to me, it’s my responsibility to be its current caretaker.
but if you dont like it you dont like it...if someone gave me a quilt I would for sure recognize what went in to it but I have no desire to own a quilt, would never buy one, have nowhere to put it, so should I store it just to be nice? I do not think so, I just throw it away.
@AsTheWheelsTurn they are made to be used. So you don't have a bed? But yeah, if you don't like it, give it back. The maker would rather know that it isn't something you like, then find out you literally threw out hundreds of dollars of materials and hours of love and care. But also, seriously, if your grandmother handsewed an entire quilt for you out of love, you would just throw it away? Might wanna have that diagnosed, cuz that isn't right.
@@AsTheWheelsTurn At least on-gift it, or donate to a children's hospital, a hospice, a homeless shelter. Throwing it straight into the bin is cold.
My mom made everyone a quilt for their 25th wedding anniversary. My brother and his wife were so pleased to get theirs that they protected it and my brother passed at 67 and later in her 80th year his wife passed, his kids found it and I bet you they donated it to a thrift store because it wasn't their style.
My grandmother grew up in early twentieth century. Always poor she hated homemade things. She would turn her nose up when her grandchildren gave her things they made. When I made my own wedding dress she commented how awful it was I couldn’t afford a new dress. She never hid her feelings about home made things. I was always proud of the things I made and wore or the things my mother made for me. You are correct it destroys creativity to have it diminished.
The pain of others being so unappreciative of your skills and spent times never really goes away.
I had a museum quality mineral collection AND a seashell collection that had both won prizes at shows that I'd worked on for over a decade (mowing lawns to earn money to pay for purchase and shipping) and while I was in boot camp my mother threw it all away. When I came back home after camp, heading to my next duty station she explained that she didn't think I'd be back and wanted the space for a sewing room. I asked why she didn't put the stuff in the attic but she didn't have a response. I lost a lot of love for my mother that day because i realized she did not really care for me like I thought she did.
i had a similar situation.
This story really rocked me back on my heels! What thoughtless and callous thing to do to your child! I can't begin to imagine throwing out something that had obviously meant so much to someone you love. But that's the point, isn't it? Your mother obviously wasn't capable of respecting or loving anyone else. I'm so sorry that happened to you.
@@hollisblinn7910 thanks, and 40+ years later there's still some pain from that incident when randomly it comes to mind occasionally.
Man, that's tough! I'm sorry you were hurt like that. Boot camp is only after months... I kept my ex's stuff around for years, we were friends, and I knew he didn't have a place for his stuff... And I knew it was HIS STUFF. I finally told him to come get it, or it was going to the dump... (Car parts).
You don't throw people stuff away! Give them a chance to collect it at least.
Been there too. Mine was a trophy that I worked hard to win. It was in the only box that got "lost" in my parent's downsizing move. Sure it did.
I have a vaguely similar story: When I was about 14 years old, I showed off a city I'd build for the video game Oblivion. I wanted to become a game dev, but my parents strictly limited the time I was allowed in front of screens and I did this little presentation to show off, that I was actively creating something and wasn't just playing around.
The result was, that they actively tried to dismantle what I had created, by pointing out it's flaws and proudly declaring, "that absolutely nobody wanted something like this." The thing I took away from that day, was that I couldn't create anything of value and I stopped making art.
It took me way into my adult life to recapture that desire to create something. I'm trying my hand once more on games and it feels wonderful. Showing my creation off, is still the scariest thing I could think of.
I wonder where I'd be skill-wise if I hadn't stopped back then, but it feels almost like a special privilege that I was able to return to being a creator after years of depression.
That's rough. I guess they just felt insecure because they didn't understand your project, and instead of acting like mature adults they lashed out at you like confused, angry children.
Sorry to read that, they probably believed they were doing the best thing for you by trashing your creation, some people do feed their egos by rationalizing that way instead of encouraging you, and by admitting that they are unable to understand or appreciate it doesn't mean that your effort was not worthwhile.
When i was young, the only other kids whose parents were limiting their screen time wanted the kids to be doctors or lawyers. I am going to assume this is true with you for the following: the fact that you were still interested in game dev even with the limited screen time should have been proof that your parents desires for your path might not have been the best fit for you.
Nobody is perfect though, especially not parents. So, i don't recommend blaming them for their faults especially since they probably got them from their parents. But now that you know where they went wrong with you, you can understand where you go wrong as a result and work on fixing it.
A parent should never suppress the creativity of a child. What a terrible thing to do.
@@Rick586 Thanks for your reply. Thankfully they both started therapy a few years after that and I noticed an improvement in the way that they handled these things. I also might have sounded harsher than I wanted, because the video renewed these memories in a way.
A few years ago, I crocheted a little bunny for my great-niece. This shy little girl who rarely ever wanted to say a word to me was suddenly asking me all about that little bunny and how it was made!
Not too long ago, her father shared some pictures of her riding her new bike on Easter. And there was that little crocheted bunny rabbit in the basket of the bike!
The best feeling as a maker is seeing something you made 20 years ago still being used by the giftee. I was sent a picture of a truck and in the background was a fire-pit I made with freshly burned wood in it.
One of my friends is a maker and their oldest son is catching the making bug, too. I send the kids something every Christmas and was absolutely giddy when I saw a handmade gift from 3 years ago in the background, perched on that son's bed.
aww thats so sweet :')
I had a very similar experience at school. Our auto shop had a small display case by the door. The shop teacher asked if anyone had anything car related they wanted to display. I brought over my see through visible v8 and 4 cylinder models. The next year when school started everything was gone and it turned out they threw everything out over the summer. I was so upset I didn’t build another model for at least 5 years
@@briandeschene8424 I think you're failing to read the room. The point of this comment is to share a story to empathise with and commiserate over. No actual advice was needed and providing some paints you as deliberately antagonistic or socially inept.
@@briandeschene8424typical Brian comment over here
That’s rough. Most likely it was there and they did a mad purge with minimal storage and so just dumped stuff that wasn’t marked as property of the school.
I hope you started making stuff like that because that sounds like such a cool project. May be something I can do with the kids for fun and learning
@@briandeschene8424 The real life lesson is to treat the things people have put time and passion into with respect, because otherwise you could really hurt them.
@@briandeschene8424 Wow so deep
Years ago, before arthritis struck, I counted myself as a fairly skilled woodworker, having outfitted most of my house (my late dad was a cabinet maker.)
My married son and his wife were expecting a child.
Despite already failing health, I pulled out all the stops. Spent a small fortune on wood and fittings, and a month on building a cradle.
It was complimented by everyone who saw it (OMG - you MADE that? It's wonderful!) One visitor offered me £2000 (UK) on the spot. Might have taken it, if I'd had the stamina to make another.
My grandson arrived - usual celebrations.
He was in the cradle one week.
Until the in-laws arrived with an expensive store-bought cradle - a 'proper' cradle, not some 'homemade thing' from the cheap other grandad.
My cradle vanished into their attic. Didn't speak to my son and his wife for a very long time.
I am disgusted by the behavior of your son and his wife. You should have asked fir it back, then sold it and taken a nice vacation. I would not speak to them for decades@
Every piece of artwork has a little or a lot of the artist's heart.
My son and I (mostly my son) made handmade knives for Shakey Graves, his band, and his manager- all of whom had been very kind and gracious to us but specifically my daughter who was a super fan. I got the impression that some of them shoved them in drawers as they really didn't mention them when we saw them at shows. Approximately two years later however, we watched his music video that he released to celebrate his 10 year anniversary, and there as what I would call a hero prop, was the knife we'd given him.
Sometimes you may not think someone appreciates the time and effort you put into making their gift but you never really know. And that one time where someone really shows appreciation makes every build worth it.
That's a great story! But in the case of the person who posted the question, the gift-receiver told him to his face that they'd thrown it in the trash. That kind of dismissiveness is a lot more brutal than the simple wondering.
Makes me wonder what Adam does with all the stuff fans give him.
I'm sure he's gotten some low quality gifts from dedicated super fans.
I used to craft a lot, and give things away as birthday & holiday gifts. I had some people who re-gifted my stuff, or donated it when they were decluttering, sold it at a yard sale, gave it to someone who needed it, or just threw it away. The lesson I learned was when you give something to someone, it is no longer yours. You have to let it go. The person who told you that when you make something, it's about you, was right. You take it too personally, because you haven't let go of them, and your self-worth is tied to that object. Learn to love yourself just because you are talented and creative, not to hate yourself because someone else doesn't appreciate that.
I only get upset about the throw away part. We're trashing the environment as it is, and somebody out there may appreciate it. It feels terrible when the recipient traded your effort for the laziest option of the trash when they could have taken it to a thrift store or given it to a friend.
"...your self-worth is tied to that object" is the best short description of giving handmade gifts that I've seen. Lots of wisdom in your paragraph.
That principal was a monster. He could have asked the students if they wanted their artwork back.
A monster? it's rather presumptive of a student to think their art would be displayed forever on the classroom wall.
@@dionysusnow Oh, I agree --- I was not disputing the school's practice of clearing the walls for a new school year. I was just saying that the principal was being a monster to just throw away the artwork without trying to contact the artwork's creators first to see if they wanted their creations back. I'm sure that HE HIMSELF would have howled plenty loudly if HIS OWN artwork had been discarded, and so HE should have considered the feelings of his STUDENTS in that regard, as well. Most schools seem to be "run like an assembly line", though, and so this lack of individual consideration is a very common complaint among pupils and parents alike.
Our scool had student artwork on rotation. We were always called in to take our artwork back. People putting work into sth. should always get the minimum respect.
@@dionysusnow Its rather indicative of your character to side with the asshole in the story.
@@Bapate-rh9be That's great in your case, but apparently Adam's school was not run like that. He'd had no idea that he was supposed to take back his artwork. The principal could at least have asked him about it.
P.S. It's spelled, "school" --- just FYI. I loved your comment, misspelling or not. :D
I made edible gifts for holidays and one holiday l was a bit behind and griped about time and space and one of the recipients said “no one really cares about your gifts and won’t notice their absence so don’t bother. “
It crushed me even though others strongly proclaimed the opposite.
Ack!
Probably it was that person
That was a terrible thing to say. She could have just said that they would understand if she didn't have time that year.
What an incredibly cruel thing of them to say. It says way more about them than you.
What a terrible response to you! I would never have given that person anything ever again no matter what.
“And cast not your pearls before swine.”
Only give to those who truly appreciate your work.
One of Adam's greatest strength is his penchant for reassurance and validation of the kindred. So appreciated.
In high school art class, I made a realistic lithograph print of a horse. I was very proud of my work. I cut a mat board frame for it. When I showed it to my dad, all he said was you should have let me help you cut the mat board (it was slightly imperfect). He gave no praise for the art itself, only criticized the mat and that he could have done it better. I carried the hurt from that for years.
Sis, I bet that lithograph was amazing! I think he was jealous of your talent, TBH. I had a similar experience as a child: when I was about 10 or 11, I drew my Dad a picture of an Idol of his, & when I gifted to him- presenting it proudly- he told me it didn’t resemble the person! That might very well have been true, but who says that to a little kid?! I was so devastated… I never made him another thing. 😔 I finally started googling the confounding behaviors of some of my own family members years ago, & began learning about "narcissism." I’m still no expert on relationships, but what I have learned has really helped me to manage my expectations, which helps me protect my heart. 🤍 Sending you love & light.
My daughter is artistic, constantly making stuff. I'm always slightly nervous I might react poorly but the fact is I'm extremely busy and often very tired and she can be producing on the magnitude of 2-3 things per day and sometimes I'm just not in the mood to appreciate artwork.
My family are/were EXACTLY like this. Never a scrap of praise for the great parts, they assume you already know its good, we all know its good no need to say anything... but criticise the oopsys and errors... because 'well how else will you learn?'... Ugh! I am in my 40s and I can remember the hurt from every single one of those criticisms (oh and no they never came with anything constructive like 'hey lemme show you how to do that...' just 'yeah. thats wrong.')
Aaaaaamen! Yes, yes, yes! People who aren’t makers have no clue that EVERYTHING we make is actually giving them a part of our very soul. I felt true pain listening to your experiences.
Yes, I have observed that people who also make things are much more appreciative and will examine and comment on the detailing, etc. of what you made for them.
Hearing those stories hurt ME, I can't image how bad they must have felt. I'm sorry you had to go through that.
Thank you for sharing your stories and thoughts Adam. I'm 58, out of work for the last 6 years (stuff happens with our families) - but now no one is hiring an older IT lady. I've been laid off twice and felt like my whole life has been wasted on something I'm probably no good at. Your commentary toward the end actually was one of the few I've heard that opened up the sky to make me think, just because those companies saw me as a number, it doesn't devalue the work I did, and it certainly doesn't remove the fact that I'm a good person with a good heart. These little talks of yours are very much appreciated. You're a maker in more ways than one. You also make people feel stronger.
I am an old IT lady too. For 23 years I was. And every single thing I did is now expired or out of use. It almost feels like I wasted that part of my life, except it gave me the means to be who I am now. I am woodturner and blacksmith. I dabble in everything! I am a maker. You are good, and worthy, and should follow that good heart.
I took half a decade off to be the primary caregiver for an elder relative. I then refreshed my IT skills by getting an online cyber security degree that took two years. I then took the advice of a TH-camr “A Life After Layoff” and customized my resume for each job listing and I got a good job. Don’t give up. You can do it and in some cases they prefer to hire experienced professionals.
I work for a university - we're always struggling to hire decent IT people because our salaries are lower than private enterprise, and our equal opportunity policies mean we can't discriminate based on age or gender, so it's entirely merit based. Couple that with the fact that the IT industry moves so fast, nobody has more than a few years' experience with current technologies anyway, so age is less of a barrier compared to other professions where decades of skill are called upon every day. It's a running joke when we argue with HR for job applications, as they demand a minimum of five years' experience with the technologies we need for senior roles, but some of the tech didn't even exist three years ago let alone five! Yes senior management want us to hire an AI expert with five years ChatGPT experience, never mind that ChatGPT isn't even two years old at the time of writing this...
I've been laid zero times...
I once walked in on my grandmother shredding 3 generations of children’s drawings because she ran out of room in the filing cabinet and decided that those weren’t “necessities,” and anything not needed got shredded. She said we were all grown now and so she didn’t need to keep them. She was not a sentimental woman.
The only things I made that she kept were the potholders I made for her, because those matched her kitchen and performed a needed function.
It really reframed the idea of giving hand made gifts for me. Knowing for a fact that so much of what I made for someone was not only in the trash, but had been shredded first was gutting. It put into focus how little my effort and work meant to anyone else. I can’t think of a way to make someone feel lower than that.
Now? I take to heart what the fiber arts community says about making sure a recipient is handmade gift worthy. If I think even for a second that they won’t appreciate it, they aren’t getting my hand work. I don’t really care if they don’t appreciate something bought, as it wasn’t personally made with them in mind. So the unworthy get store bought gifts or gift cards if anything. If I give you something I knitted or crocheted or made, it’s because you have been fully vetted and passed the test.
One of my nieces has a hat I knitted. She put it on while playing and ended up wearing it for the rest of the day. She was a little hesitant when returning it, so I asked her if she’d like to keep it. It was her favorite and she wore it nearly every day for years. She got upset because it was showing signs of wear and she felt bad for putting it through the wringer - as if it wearing out meant she wasn’t taking care of it. It was grungy and thin and a little stained because it went through life with her, like a kid’s teddy bear. I told her that a well worn hat is a well loved hat, and that I couldn’t think of a higher honor for a hat than to get worn out from constantly being loved and accompanying her on her adventures, and made her a few more so she had color choices. She passes the test. She is hand knit worthy.
It really sucks that some people don’t appreciate hand made gifts. They don’t understand the care and love that goes into making something specifically for someone, tailored to them. Or they just don’t care about things like that. Idk what robbed them of joy, but that’s outside my jurisdiction lol
I love that wording - the highest honor for a useful object is to become worn out! Thanks for that :)
My mother had the opposite thing happen. She saved all of our drawings and schoolwork from when we were kids. She shipped her oldest daughter's work out to her and she just threw it away. Didn't care. When my parents passed on, so much of their stuff got thrown out because my siblings just aren't sentimental. I did save one of my mother's dollhouses and an antique thermometer plaque that had hung up in my grandma's house for years because it reminds me of her. Wish I'd had more room to store more stuff!
The "Velveteen" hat
How long do you expect someone to hold onto something you gave them for them to ‘prove’ that they enjoyed it? As someone who had to deal with the ‘sentimental items’ of several passed away family members, this sounds like she didn’t want to force that burden onto her children. I feel sorry that you saw it and was surprised but I certainly don’t think that letting herself live with less means that she didn’t appreciate those drawings.
I agree wholeheartedly. It's just like if you pen a long detailed neatly-hand-written letter to someone, and then you're lucky if they even read it all the way through, let alone respond to it.
When i was a teenager, around 16 years old, i got my first job at a bike shop in town working as a technician. I built bicycles from box kits to sell on the floor, and occasionally repaired bikes with the more experienced technicians. After working there a little while, i got the idea to fasten several sprockets and disc brakes in a stack from the largest as the base to the smallest at the top, and put a clock movement in the center. I gave it to my father as a father’s day gift, with which he swiftly put it in a drawer in his office where it still resides to this day. Ive struggled for the past decade wrenching with the thoughts of my disappointment with that and this video encapsulates it perfectly. Thank you for your stories, Adam.
I don't know anything about your father, but space in an office is usually very precious.
It's usually a place to work. Things not for that purpose that are in that space are usually very sentimental, like a family photo.
He may not have hung it on the wall, but maybe he put it there so it would never be too far away?
Consider this: He kept it, and kept it close.
I agree with Kaotiqua, he kept it, close. Sometimes I have things I love, even things I've made myself, but don't have a good place to put it, it doesn't fit my "decor" or space or whatever, but I want to keep it, so it might get put in a cabinet or drawer, but I can still see and admire it, or have a nice feeling about the person that gave it me, or a fond remembrance of where the thing came from, or when.
I wrote a poem when I was 16, and a young lady (age 20), who was a friend of the family (and I was smitten with), dismissed it as garbage, that I was just trying to use big meaningless words. I stopped writing poems after that. Found out 30 years later that my dad kept the poem and liked it so much he is including it in his book. That moment of affirmation shed decades of self doubt and anxiety that I didn't realize I was carrying.
I often heard my dad say the following: "I've never gotten a bad gift." It wasn't just something he said--he meant it with every fiber of his being. If something was handmade or clever or otherwise reflected significant time and effort, he was even more appreciative. I recall a friend of mine once fretting over what she would get her dad for Christmas, fearful he would dislike or reject the gift. I was shocked, as my experience was so completely the opposite. I've tried to emulate that level of gratitude in my own life, and I have to admit, knowing someone could so blithely toss away a gift I or someone else had obviously used their talents and time to create would make me reconsider having any sort of friendship with that person. Maybe that's harsh, but so be it.
I agree. Just in general I find it hard to be friends with people who throw *any* valuable item in the trash, let alone something I made.
I agree. If a person has such different values from mine as to be thoughtless and rude, then maybe we do not have enough in common to sustain a friendship.
With my children's art, one of the things that my wife would do is to take pictures of our child with the artwork they had made. That way, if it goes away we still have photos of the object and photos of our child as they were when they made the art.
And now that one of my sons has a degree in art and is a fantastic artist, we can trace back through all of his art and see him as he was when he created it. It gave us freedom to not have to keep everything.
I took pictures of my daughter's artwork as well, mostly from when she was really young and prolific with her making. She preferred to do art in her younger years at school and the materials used (and sizes) at that age are not intended for conservation :) I am a maker as well and she made an effort for each piece, it wasn't just slap some color on the page because the teacher expects it. It seemed disrespectful to just throw it all away but there was no way to keep it all or to store it in a way that didn't just wreck the work. Much was displayed for a time (and rotated regularly) but then I would photograph each piece and quietly dispose of it.
She's grown now and has not done much art since middle school but we have taken some fun art classes together, in subjects that her early school could not consider, especially the glass blowing experience that was a Christmas gift a few years ago.
What a lovely idea!
I've heard it said that giving a gift isn't just for the other person but it's for you, the gifter, as well. It's a form of love language and not everyone is fluent.
Every child needs to be instructed by someone, family member, teacher, caring person on how to graciously accept a gift, especially a home made gift, and how to write a thank you note, and how to dispose of a gift if it is not suitable for them. Hurting the feelings of the person giving the gift is never allowed.
My grandma loved to make handmade clothing items for gifts. Some of the crochet ones were not things that were fashionable at all (as a crocheter and sewer I appreciate her time and her love). My mom had a rule that we had to wear handmade clothing gifts once when my grandma would see us wearing her gift. Then it kind of stayed in our closet until we outgrew it if it was not something we actually wanted to wear. We would have NEVER been allowed to be rude about any gift, let alone something that someone took the time to make for us.
what hurts is finding out just how special you are Not... to the person you believed loved or valued you.
we all love and value you and your magic.
Is it so bad if someone loves you despite your art instead of because of your art?
@@dionysusnow actions speak more than words. It's why moms put their childrens drawings on the fridge, because even if they are by no means "masterpieces" it's to show that they love and appreciate the child in whatever and however they do and that they appreciate the thought and feelings having been shared on getting a gift from them.
And this isn't only true for moms/dads loving their children, but it's also true for any relationship. If you give them things, no matter if it's art, kisses, spending quality time with them, those are actions of love and showing you want to spend time with that person, that you appreciate them etc. pushing those away/throwing those away means those feelings you tried to express were pushed away too (of course there are exceptions and consent matters too, but that's a different matter if problems arise in that direction)
@@Eryniellaffection is completely different than an unwanted gift. If I don't like the gift you gave me, that is not the equivalent of I don't like you. A friend gave me a hideous sweater for Christmas one year. I never wore it because it was so ugly. I still cared about her. Not wearing the sweater she gave me wasn't a rejection of her friendship.
@@cremebrulee4759 context matters for sure. If you know someone has put work into the gift they gave you, as in crafted it, even if it was ugly, you would probably atleast wear it once to make them happy, cause it's not about if you like the gift or not in that moment, but if you understood the meaning behind it.
On the other hand, if you know that the gift you have been given was just bought at the next store, just to fulfill some obligation of gift giving (for a birthday as example) then it really doesn't matter what happens to the gift, because clearly the person didn't even take the time to properly figure out what you would like or want and is an entirely different situation.
@@dionysusnow Artists create because it's their way of expressing themselves, so it's impossible to love an artist "despite" their art.
A guy I knew as a kid, he and his dad took regular car models and converted them to the doors and hood and trunk opening. Detailed the engine with wires and accessories. Award winning models. Always admired their skill.
I have a friend who is a hyper-crafter, and she comes up with the weirdest, oddest Christmas decor and most bizarre gift ideas. When these things are given to me, I do express my appreciation for her time and creativity. However, I also let her know (very gently and sugar-coatedly) that I am not looking for anymore knick-knacks or home decor, as I have been shifting towards minimalism. Handcrafted, weird decor, clutter, and dust catchers are the last things I desire for my home. Less is more. Crafters ought not to assume that just because you enjoyed making it, other people would love it. 🤷🏼♀ I do quietly donate the cheezy gift items I receive. And, I always suggest exchanging wish lists so everyone can get something they want, need and love. 🎁
I feel like this is legit -- we never want to hurt people's feelings, but if it's just weird, you don't want it on display in your home, or won't wear it or whatever ... do you just keep it forever? It's just clutter at that point. Now, a caveat here is if you know the person (especially a child) put all their heart and soul into it, worked hard on it, and had you in mind (like, seriously, not just "Oh, I'll make one of these hideous crocheted toilet roll covers designed to look like a rat for Mary because I'm making them and I'll just throw her on the list to receive one"), then you do have to be pretty careful about not damaging hearts. But I feel like there are some people who don't understand the impact a truly out-of-place, weird gift has on the recipient, who now must keep this bizarre thing forever or risk being a "bad person."
That's when the thing you're making becomes about you. When you put thought into what another person would like, when you realize the physical-space impact this thing will have, when you are intentional about the gift and know it will be well-received, that's about them. When you just make something and give it to someone else without thought for whether they would want it, use it, display it, then it IS a little bit more about you. (This is true of store-bought gifts, too ... for years I had to keep a boatload of crap from my in-laws that did not fit me at all -- books that weren't my taste, ghastly jewelry that wasn't my taste, clothes that absolutely weren't me, etc. Take a minute to get to know me, MIL, and THEN you can go off-list for me.)
i very rarely receive homemade gifts, but if and when I have to let them go, I take pictures of the objects. I smile when I see the photos, because I remember how I was thought of, even if I didn't like the thing.
@@the_real_littlepinkhouseflyfor the record, and humor, my name is Mary and I would ADORE a crocheted rat toilet roll cover!!
@@Mary-cw4lf That's hilarious! Hey, if you like it, you like it! No real judgement.
Simple response: NEVER give that individual another gift.
Absolutely!
I agree ...those people just proved how unworthy they are at receiving a gift u made ..its a selfishness on their part ..they feel entitled to get the gift ...but then they do not appreciate the gift ...if someone gave me a gift they made ...I would appreciate it .thank them and be gracious ...because that person took time to make it whether it took 10 min or 100 hours ...its the intent and love that went into the making the gift
Or give them something cheesy and say, don't worry, I didn't make this.
Just go to the pound shop.
People in my family who do not appreciate handmade gifts, for whatever reason, get a small sum of cash. I consider a cash gift to be the most impersonal kind of gift, but if people don't want you to give of yourself, give cash.
Adam out here just helping society heal
The older I’ve got the more I’ve realised that creating is indeed about the creator. No one else cares about my precious. So I don’t gift it any more unless it’s to someone who has specifically requested something and who I actually know understands what they are asking for. And that is very few and far between because as we realise, if you add up the hours and materials then asking for something like that, it would be a very costly present.
I also came to the realisation that I don’t particularly want other peoples creations unless it’s something I’ve commissioned or chosen either . And that was very telling. My space is curated, and I resent the intrusion into it if something that doesn’t fit.
I now create when I’m enjoying the process or I’m compelled to. And try to leave others out of it. Too much pain and stress.
I am a fairly accomplished modern quilt maker. IO've had my work in several art gallery shows. A couple of years ago, some acquaintances wed and I presented in their wedding card a 'certificate for a medium size quilt (48" x 60"-ish) of their choice.' Never heard a thing from them. I don't know if they never read it, didn't care, were ignorant of the value of what I offered, or what. I never stopped making. On the other hand, I had designed and made a lovely quilt for a friend who was expecting. It was such a fun and custom quilt. Sadly, her baby passed within the first week of her life. I was so saddened by that that it did take me a year or so to get back on the designing/making horse again. I'm back and at it again, thank goodness.
I am a maker, I make jewelry and I have sold my jewelry in gift shops for money. So when my mother in law asked me to make her a long necklace without a clasp so she could pull it on easily. I sourced expensive glass Pearl's and made her a lovely necklace at no cost to her. She said it was lovely and wore it everytime we all went out together and she said she always got compliments from her friends, but a couple of months later I said I had not seen her wear it. She said it broke so she swept it up and threw it away. I was crushed she could be so calous. I told her I could have fixed it but she said too late its gone.I never made anything else for her even when she asked me to. I said no. It hurts me still years later. So I feel your pain.
maybe they simply don't like quilts?
some people do, and some people don't.
Or maybe they don't have a use for it? (I know that would be the case for me). It's kinder of them to not make you go through all the work for a quilt if they won't appreciate it properly.
best to focus on those who do enjoy your work, and on the joy it brings you.
@@AvivaHadas Sad to hear. But as someone who does not enjoy quilt and has no use for them, I also would feel burdened by the gift of a quilt that someone spent lots of time on.
People do not even know the expense and time a quilt takes. They act like you pull them out your butt.
@@cariiinen Thank you. That's a POV I can accept.
We went to stay with my husbands grandfather in 2010 who lived in a different part of the country so it was rare that we got to see him. He used to paint and would paint everything; huge ships at sea, city scapes, you name it he could paint it, they were magnificent. When we were leaving he asked us if we would like one of his paintings, I jumped at the chance. We have a beautiful one-of-a-kind painting that hangs above our stairs and we see it every day. Sadly he passed away at the beginning of this year, after fighting dementia. He was my husbands grandfather but he was like a grandfather to me to. He was kind and generous and really special. I will always treasure that painting.
WOW! Didn’t know i needed to hear this! 64 years old, lifelong crafter - quilter, embroiderer, crocheter, knitter, cross stitcher. Have given LOTS of handmade gifts over the years, and I just realized that when I visit my friends and family, I’m looking for the things I’ve gifted - SUBCONSCIOUSLY! That’s so funny that I’ve not even been consciously doing that - and when I haven’t been seeing these things, I was a feeling a little deflated - all subconsciously - and looking back on it now, I realize I was pushing all those thoughts/feelings down!
I will say that I’ve always KINDA let go - that once it’s gifted, it no longer belongs to me.
❤ I can totally sympathize with this. I’ve started calling it the “macaroni necklace problem”. As a parent I get LOTS of very heartfelt crafts from my kids, but just cannot keep them and can’t explain well enough why some things are now missing from the house- even though I am grateful and proud.
I make various gifts myself and am always trying to make sure it is wanted by the receiver and not seen as a macaroni necklace that is a burden they have to pretend to like.
I find that a bunch of that stuff has a way of getting broken or lost, so it doesn't end up being too difficult to deal with. We have a rule that we don't keep broken things in our house if we can't repair them.
Store them in a box, if you can. You'll treasure it when they're grown. But you would never tell them, "That's just trash" right? Instead, you say, "I have to put some away, to make room for new ones!"
That name describes the situation so perfectly
Exactly this. Our daughter makes us lots of art and we keep the best pieces in a folder and hang some on the fridge, but we cannot possibly keep it all.
We know creators put a lot of time and love into their projects, but my wife and I personally would never want a welded piece of metal art on our wall, and we live in a tiny apartment that can barely fit our own things much less art projects that mean more to the artist than they mean to us.
What do you think Adam does with all the homemade gifts he receives?
He's absolutely right when he says that people aren't as appreciative when what you make is about YOU. The key to gift-giving is to speak the love-language of the receiver! Because the gift that says, "I see you. I know you." THAT is the one that conveys your love.
Sadly people that are not crafters ( quilting, crocheting, knitting, embroidery, etc) don’t realize the time it takes to make things plus the extravagant cost of the materials. There are very few people I would consider making a gift for. My mother is one of them. She herself doesn’t do any crafting projects. But she appreciates the hard work that goes into making hand crafted items. One year for Mothers Day, I crocheted her a beautiful shawl from white cotton thread. She wore it to my sister’s wedding. That made my day. There is no greater feeling when you see someone wearing or using a gift that you made especially for them.
I get this. I always make occasion cards for people. But rarely is the time and individuality appreciated. The only person who did appreciate this was my mum (sadly passed this year). When looking through cupboards I found EVERY birthday, Mother’s Day card I ever made her. Heartwarming and sad at the same 😢
One person's trash is another person's treasure. Art is subjective. Do not let what one person thinks of your art destroy its value. Keep creating and let your work find its audience who can see its true value.
I have a family member that threw away every handmade gift I ever gave them. Lesson learned. I bought them a dishware set that really coordinated there Newly remodeled kitchen, which they gifted back to me, still sealed about 15 YEARS later. I was surprised it didn't end up in the landfill.
A lesson I learned a long time ago is that a gift is about what the receiver would like and not what the giver would like to give. I just make stuff for myself and when people see it and enjoy it and ask if they can have one or ask if I can make them something else, then I know they truly appreciate it. As a maker I see and appreciate the effort that someone has put into something, but some people just see it as someone who wouldn't spend money on a gift.
"some people just see it as someone who wouldn't spend money on a gift."
That's certainly true. I once pulled a piece of my art out of an auction and gifted it to a friend, as a wedding gift, because the couple had seen it and were saving up to try to buy it. The couple were delighted and very appreciative. Her mother, however, made snide comments to other guests about "home made gifts".
Yes, excellent attitude. I do something similar and feel free because of it.
@M.Campbell that mother...wow! We give shop bought gifts to less important people and home made ones to the ones we really like or love and the feedback is thanks for the former, raving appreciation for the later.
Thanking for the thought to send a gift is foremost: got 7 years of dried fish fillets from fishing-loving bro, and tossed all eventually ~ (absolutely no one wanted any) yet thanked him each Christmas 😇😇😇😇😇😇😇
This used to bother me. To this day, and I'm pushing 60, my mother hates the bulk of what I've created. I still create it. And lately, aware of my own mortality I've been handing off paintings and artwork to friends and acquaintances just so it doesn't wind up in a landfill when I pass. That may very well still happen, but these are people who won't tell me "Hey, I threw your crap away." Bottom line, I'm gonna do what I do anyway. Who cares?
Glad I stumbled on to this video!
I'm sorry to hear that your own mother hates the work you've created! Hard to understand that.
I empathize. I've been making silver jewelry and flatware (as a hobby) since I was handed a jeweler's saw in the 9th grade. All my life, mom kept showing me kitschy, Grandma Moses rip-offs and faux country crafts, while telling me I could make some real money doing that. It wasn't until she was visiting me and came with me to pick-up a check at a gallery that she quit that.
She's never understood my stuff or liked it -- except some of the flatware. Jewelry is intensely personal. So, I could understand it wasn't her taste.
But to her credit, she and my father did put up with my activities. Between the screws out of my erector set and my 7 year-old attempts to make a Jackson Pollack with powdered tempera paints and white glue, I broke a lot of vacuum cleaner belts and got paint on a lot of walls. When I was 11, I was introduced with weaving on a real floor loom. For three years, I raked leaves, washed cars, and vacuumed and dusted a neighbor's house to earn money to buy a 500+ part kit for a Harrisville Design's floor loom. My father helped me put it together and mom lived with it in the guest room until I graduated from college.
Some of these stories are absolutely heartbreaking, that someone has thought of you and then taken the time and effort to make something personal which is then discarded is unfathomable to me.
In my 9th grade history class, our final project was to make a model/diorama of some important place or moment in history. My partner and I on the project spent close to 20 hours making a fairly detailed 2'x2' model of Ford's Theater, and I was quite proud of it. After we got our grades, the history teacher kept a few of them to display in his classroom, and threw the rest away without asking any of us if we'd like to keep them.
It's been 10 years since then, and I can still vividly remember the feeling of helplessness - and frankly, grief - knowing that something I clearly spent a significant of time and effort researching and building was so effortlessly discarded.
I think it's really important for anyone - not even just makers - to understand why events like this happen and how to move forward from them, which is why I'm so glad you made this video.
Teachers like this are blithely unaware, or uncaring, of the amount of harm they do, and if you dare challenge them on it they'll double down on the damage with a casually dismissive comment like "oh, but those ones weren't any good".
Your story makes me appreciate an experience I had in seventh grade all the more: We had a project to create models of inventions we'd devised for a previous science assignment. My partner and I spent a weekend and several afternoons making a very detailed 1:1 scale model of a sleep aid device we'd designed.
The project complete and all the models displayed, we'd come back the following Monday to find the big counter where they'd been empty.
The class was upset that our work was gone, but when our teacher came in she told us she'd locked them in the storage room so they wouldn't be 'cleaned up' by the janitor. She opened the storage room and we all got our models back. I let my partner keep ours.
I'm ever more thankful for that day after hearing some people's sad stories.
My sons’ teachers growing up always sent their projects home after the event was over. I still have things they made in grade school. I gift them back to them now that they have kids of their own. They find this hilarious. And they understand how important it is to treat their child’s projects as important gifts.
I have many makers in my life; a knitter, a woodworker, a potter, a sewist , all of whom make very finely crafted, really beautiful things. Unfortunately, not everything they make and give is to my taste. I appreciate how many hours and how much work and skill go into these things but have a hard time really enjoying them. Some of them understand this and realize that some things they give me may get passed on, others not so much. Whenever I give someone something I've made, it's with the understanding that it may find a different home than the one intended.
I crochet all my grandchildren a blanket from me. To use, and one day have as a memory of my love for them. My one granddaughter took to my blanket so much. My son videoed her getting ready for a nap and as soon as they covered her with the blanket, she would get a huge smile and rub the blanket between her fingers. He said it happened every time. It became her big lovey. It was complicated. Beach colors going into shore and then deep sea, with crocheted starfish and sea turtles separately sewn on. She loves it so much and has dragged it on the floor, needs it to be with her in 😮the car, etc.,takes it everywhere and slowly it has fallen apart with rows of “ocean” coming off. At first I was dismayed, but she loves it so much and it truly is her comfort. I can’t be mad. It is/was so well loved. She is 4 now and has realized it’s getting smaller and smaller. Her dad said she’s getting stressed it may be no more. She said “I berry (very) much want Oma to make me a new one!” I’ve never had anyone love and appreciate my gift so much. I will make her a mini version! ❤
As a dad to some pretty dang artistically inclined kids, I feel obligated to (and am happy to) gush over everything they show me they've created. Their faces shine as they describe their process. To have someone not appreciate that? I will steal your word--- MONSTERS!
I always remind myself that once I've given a gift, that thing is no longer mine and the recipient is free to do with it as they wish, including throwing it away. It hurts if they do but if it was truly a gift, it is no longer mine. If they toss it, you've learned something about them and your own expectations. Be careful about expectations since although they can bring joy, they are the sole cause of disappointment. If uncertain about gift giving, give perishables or consumables.
May be 10 years old, I made something for my aunt’s birthday. It must have been very bad because in an hour, I found it on the top of the trash. Don’t know why it should hurt until now at 63 years old. Thank you for sharing this.
Because it was rude, thoughtless, and mean. You were just a kid and you did your best to make something for your aunt because you loved her. Even if she was the kind of person who just didn't want or appreciate something made by a child, she could have at least waited until you wouldn't see it in the trash. I'm sorry such a hurtful thing happened to you by an adult who should have acted better.
@@diannekruger8735 thank you very much for your kind words. I am very glad to receive your comment. This video is a gift to us as well.
I was astounded when I heard someone wouldn't want a special piece of art created just for them. But not everyone is into art or understands the vulnerability if they themselves aren't creators. Mind blowing, but true
I could really feel the emotion in this video. It's bad enough to see a bought present being thrown or given away, but something you spent time creating for somebody, that hurts and it goes deep. Thank you Adam for letting us in on your inner feelings
That feeling of rejection of our love and effort is so crushing... I built guitars for many years then completely lost my drive to make them after a friend returned the instrument I had gifted him.
The sheer amount of stories in this thread is unreal. It is clearly a universal maker experience that we are extremely emotionally attached to our work. Yet in this consumerist society, many people have such a shallow relationship with the thousands of objects in their lives, that our object is yet another "thing" and is added to the pile. Clearly, many of us here hoped it gets on the top of the pile, or at worst not thrown away into the garbage pile. The reality is, we are "makers", we make things, and that is the true joy of what we do. If someone else finds value on top, that's gravy, but we still got to have fun making it. AND, we know just how valuable other makers' gifts truly are.
I really really really hate consumerism
I totally agree. The creative process is so rewarding, so fulfilling. Creating anything: food, a garden, a home, the perfect spreadsheet, art, music, writing, etc. is food for the soul. That in the end there is a tangible object is a bonus.
Always keep in mind who you're making things for. Don't waste time making thing you know they won't like and expect them to appreciate it. That's the biggest problem I see in a lot of crafting communities.
I don’t know, the amount of time and money that goes into handmade gifts, tailored for the person, makes me think that acknowledging the gift is rather important. It isn’t really all about me, but it is an expression about how I
care about the other person. But given my experiences, I do believe in asking myself, “Are they quilt worthy? Still I’ve been surprised…
You hit the nail on the head. Stuff comes in like a continuous stream in many many homes. I have become aware of it on a trip to the Goodwill bins. Bin after bin of discards. Store after store after store here. Billboards and TV commercials all pushing for your buck. No wonder the homemade gift sometimes sinks to the bottom of the pile. It's sad.
Me personally, I’m real sentimental about stuff people make/give to me. My daughter is an artist and I know how artists become attached to their work. I learned a long time ago when an artist/maker gives you something they are giving you a piece of them
I am the same way but many others are not. I have made things for people, trying my best when I was learning and making something that contained art that I knew they liked. I later learned it ended up going in the trash some time later. This may not be the appropriate response but I now only make something as a gift for three people: Me, my Wife and one of my brothers. That is it and no more. Even if people ask me - the answer is no as I don't want to hear the disappointment or see it in their face when it is not exactly what they wanted. They can go to Walmart or pick something up a flea market, but it won't be from me. Is that me avoiding feeling hurt and my work being rejected - YES 100%
I'm the opposite of sentimental, I don't think I own a single item that's not utilitarian. If someone wants to give me something just for aesthetics I kindly decline, has nothing to do with the item or with the giver, it's just who I am and how I enjoy my space. I feel everyone is better of if said item ends up somewhere where it can be appreciated for what it is rather than at best spend its life in storage.
Some people are that way but many us of aren't. I make so many different things that I don't even remember making them. Once in awhile its something extra special but its usually useable items that will wear out over time. If one person doesn't care for something I've made they pass it on to someone that does. It works out.
These commenters are my tribe. I tried to make things for my mother that would be useful. I carved her a wooden spoon. She took it with ‘I’ll put that with the other stuff you made’. I hand sewed her a quilted throw to put over her when she was watching tv. She took the parcel and on glimpsing that it was some sort of quilt said ‘I won’t unfold it, it’ll just need folding back up again’ and it was left in the wrapper by the side of her chair for months on end. I never think anybody will want what I make now. I just shove it in a drawer when it’s finished.
naw...keep trying. Some folks get it. Some don't. However, if they've just gushed about how they've just minimized their life, or made nasty comments about folks having too many knickknacks in their homes, either steer clear or make something they can offer guests for dinner 🤗
A friend of mine from high school is now one of the best glass blowers on the planet. I have a small collection of 4 or 5 small pieces that he made when he was starting out, stuff that he would never make now. They’re now framed in a display box. I doubt he even remembers that I have them but they’re some of my most prized relics.
You should contact him it’s a photo of them. It would probably be appreciated. I made a small quilt and pillow for a child who lost everything after Hurricane Katrina. The mother contacted me and said she still has them and it’s been almost 20 years.
"36×24 inch sheets of corrugated cardboard? I never imagined such a thing could be purchased by humans!"
Gee, you can even buy 50 or 100 foot rolls, so there are no creases in the wrong places: that was my ephifamy!
Ephifamy! I like this word better than the real one!@@richardcrane1262
When I was a kid I had a book called, "My Box and String". It was one of those thin "Scholastic Book Club" books that you could order through the school.
A box, some string, and an imagination. That's all you need. Not back to designing a 3D print to mount the battery on my ebike. :^)
only by aliens :p
My aunt had a friend who was renovating her living room. My aunt bought yarn in the colors her friend had chosen for the new room. My aunt picked a lovely pattern and spent a month crocheting a beautiful afghan. When her friend invited her over to see the newly renovated room, my aunt presented her with the afghan. The friend accepted it and thanked her. A short time later, my aunt was shopping at a local thrift store when she spotted the EXACT afghan she had just given her friend - same pattern and colors. My aunt bought the afghan and confronted her “friend” with it. The “friend” finally admitted that she thought crochet was cheap and tacky. That was the end of their friendship.
@@smalltowngirl1433 wow, nightmare. I don’t think I would have had the stomach to confront the woman but she never would have heard from me again. It’s a sensitive topic, but the woman never asked for the work. Having said that, I still would have felt hurt like your aunt and never spoken to her again.
This is all too real! One thing that's helped me with certain situations is to always start the conversation with, "I have a question, and I want you to know that 'No" is an acceptable answer."
Just saying that eases the sting of a "No" for me. Plus, by giving them permission to say, "No," I get an answer sooner, because they're not trying to figure out how to day "No" without hurting my feelings. I'd always prefer a quick "No" over a drawn-out "Maybe" or unenthusiastic, "...yes."
Thanks for all you do, Adam!
Having to explain to people that "No" is an acceptable answer to me asking a question is probably one of the biggest wastes of my time (yet important). How on earth do we function as a society when our cultural inability to handle rejection is seemingly so baked in that people assume they can't say no to anything and it's better to lie for fear of hurting someone's feelings. Normalize saying no to things, normalize learning to express no so that it doesn't feel like a rejection, normalize learning how to handle rejection, just please do anything it takes to be bloody honest when someone asks you a direct question about your preferences.
I don't care what it is, when someone gives me something they made, I treasure it.
This is exactly why I have so much clutter. I refuse to get rid of sentimental things. I even have a plant that my mother gave me for my 25th birthday. When it gets too tall, I cut the top off and re-root it. I'm 73 now. I thought about moving to Mexico, but you aren't allowed to take plants into Mexico, and I told someone I just couldn't leave it, or give it to someone who might not take care of it.
@@OldLadyInFLThate the thing though. People, especially Americans, are drowning in clutter. It’s a major problem. When you watch decluttering videos on youtube they frequently talk about how to handle sentimental items and unwanted gifts - whether handmade or not.
That is right and I feel it shows that the people who raised the ingratitude should be embarrassed.
This broke my heart for the maker. I am a knitter and for about 10 years, I made my mom a beautiful lace wrap for Christmas every year. It would be a 6-month project, and I always used the best fiber I could afford. Last summer I stayed at my parents’ house and found everything I’d ever knit for her, crammed in the back of a drawer in an unused room, with my custom tags still attached. I was shattered, and I am still working through the feelings it brought up. I hope the letter writer knows that the recipient’s response is in no way a reflection on the artist or their talent ❤
If it helps, I cram keepsakes too. I value them so much I want to keep them safe and protected just like I received them. Something like saving the good China for a special occasion. My cousin made a quilt for me that I valued so much. I immediately stuffed it back in the bag for protection. I decided to put it on the bed, it was painful to think it would get a snag or stained. It’s really beautiful but I’m still fighting the urge to cram it away for safety.
@@cfarlow5830 thank you for this! It does help 😊
In that "the art is about you not us": I had a great experience commissioning art from a young artist who was often down about her work and sales and things. A friend had lost someone very close to her who was a prolific artist and performer and so I had the bright idea of finding a new artist she might want to support. I asked the artist to make something, ideally a picture, in their preferred style and materials in my budget. I told the artist about my friend, as much as I could, what kind of person she is. There was a draft which got some of it right but not quite. I gave some feedback about what worked and what didn't and what I liked that really surprised me and then there was the finished product. I loved it, framed it gave it to my friend. She burst into tears and said it was perfect and reached into her soul.
Yes the art is about the artist. That's what you want in art. The inspiration is the person receiving the art. It can't be about one without the other. I guess some people don't understand that.
couldnt have said it better, no artist (including myself) can be completely dissociative from their art, they have to put some or all of their own influences and emotions into the piece in order for it to come out great. Whether its canvas painting or all the way up to designing a building.
It's such a heartbreaking statement to make. If you're creating something for someone as a gift, sure some of yourself goes in to that and it can't be any other way, but you're spending time taking your love of creating and turning that creation in to a gesture of love for the person you are gifting it to. It's absolutely about the receiver of the gift as well. It's a representation of how you are willing to give so much of yourself to another person and it is deeply personal and vulnerable to do so. If it weren't about the receiver then it would be a product and you'd be charging them money for it. If someone gifts me something they put their own passion in to creating, that alone is so special to me.
@@wanderer202Right?? Imagine applying this to literally any other profession. "Well Mr Doctor, when you give me my heart surgery you're really just doing it for yourself, so, I don't want it!"
The reality is that *most if not all* of us are doing work for ourselves, whether that be artistic, or intellectual, or merely for money or a million other reasons, we are personally invested in what we do.
When we take the time to provide our expertise and passion in the service of someone else, it seems incredible rude to turn them down on the basis of "you do it for yourself." Personally if someone told me that I'd have trouble seeing them in a warm light for the foreseeable future, and if they were more of an acquaintance I'd probably just drop them, as they have signaled that my emotional investment into them is of extremely low value to them, and there are other friends who value that effort much more.
Adam was wanting to make something for their house, which creates a sense of obligation. The whole thesis of this video is what to do with a homemade item you don't want. If Adam makes them something and they don't like it, or do like it but eventually want to remove it, what do they do? Throw it away? Choosing to avoid the situation and say "get me a gift I can discard as my discretion" is perfectly reasonable.
@@johnylaw04 saying "You making something for us is about you, not about us" absolutely does not communicate what you just suggested, and is instead literally communicating that someone who makes a gift for someone else is doing it selfishly. That may not have been their intention, but it was the actual words they said or loud. The message they gave was "Making something for us is selfish, so we'd rather have something cheap and meaningless than anything you might make."
Thank you Adam! First time I heard somebody acknowledge the pain you feel when somebody disses you and the time you spend on your makings ,knowingly or unknowingly. But you made me feel better, thank you buddy!
Thank you for this. When I was a little girl up until maybe 13, I made ornaments for our family Christmas tree. Some were little kid things, but some were sewn, sculpted, and not too bad. Certainly pretty on a family Christmas tree. After many moves, my parent's tree would come up and I'd visit and see them there, until one year at Christmas, I check the tree and they were gone. "Mom, what happened to all the ornaments?" "Oh, I threw all that old stuff away." I was stunned. She never offered them to me, just tossed out my childhood, even after she saw me lovingly go over them each Christmas. I was very hurt then, and still today, 30 years later, it makes me cry. I didn't make anything in any medium again, for years.
I've had this experience a couple of times with my music work.
A 30 year acquaintance (but never met in person) told me a few months ago that I should "stop doing all that shite. No one wants to hear it".
The person knew my recent history, and maybe he meant it playfully, buuut... "My recent history" is "still recovering from a 3 month hospital stay" which left me with minimal comprehension, conceptualization, and planning skills. My music outlet these days is what it is, and it's coming back, slowly.
Thanks for the support, person in story.
The 30 yr acquaintance that you've never met in person is not your friend. Simply drop such people out of your life and never give it a second thought.
The worst gift someone can throw away is the truth.
Once we stop seeking approval from people, we are free to be truly creative.
I don't know if it will help anyone else, but it has helped me. "All gifts are freely given and freely taken. If that is not true, it is not a gift, it is a chain." That means the giftee is completely free to do what they wish with the thing given to them. Letting go of the future of the gift was liberating. I am cautious about who I give what as I want my labor to be appreciated, but giving the gift is the act I engage in and am rewarded by. But I am a weirdo, so it might just be me.
I agree and this mindset has also helped me a lot. When I make something it is a bit like a part of me I have to let go, even if I am proud of what I made, if I give it as a gift my involvement is done.. Letting it go really helps me cherish what I learned when making the thing, acknowledge its beauty and then move on to the next project. Since nothing will last forever, everything will eventually be destroyed and weirdly I find that comforting in the context of letting go of the things I made.
I like this way of thinking about gift giving and no, i dont think you are a weirdo. Sometimes, i get that "if you love it you have to let it go and if it loves you it will come back" feeling about inanimate objects which is completely irrational, but there anyways. Thus, when i give a gift and i later see it again because someone has kept it or is using it, that gives me a warm feeling like it came back to me.
This is the mindset I've had for a while. I'm a painter (abstract acrylics) as well as an amateur maker. Whether I give something away or sell it, once it's gone it's gone. They can hang my work in a gallery, or set it on fire, but my part is done. Besides, I'm probably already working on the next project.
It does make a difference to free your efforts because it happens all the time.. like feedback.. "this I am really proud of" and of course that is the time you get almost no feedback... I always ask myself these days : "who are you making this for?" If the journey is not enough and you need a response that will resonate with your own already defined feelings it is alot to ask from others... :)
yes! I find receiving gifts quite stressful/burdening, as I don't want to own lots of stuff and am rherefore very particular about what I buy.
receiving gifts usually feel like a chore: having to thank thr giver with a card, or worse, with a material gift. And figuring out what to do with an object I do not need or like...
Years ago I made not one, but two, single crochet, queen size afghans for a friend. One in her color choice, and one in her husband's favorite color. Flash forward to the day she insisted I look under her deck to see the bed she made for some stray cats in the area. You guessed it. She used the two afghans to make the bed on a pile of dirt under that deck. I looked at them, and thought to myself, "It's a good thing I'm an animal lover". I just stood up, told her it looked like the cats would be happy there, and never acknowledge that I recognized the blankets. Our friendship didn't last long after that, and since then, I don't make anything for anyone unless they ask me to do so.
This is why I try to keep everything my kids make, and make sure it’s obvious that it’s being kept. That little vote of confidence can instrumental to their confidence. Knowing that the people you value more than anything else in the world also value your effort and time is sadly not something all, or even a lot of kids seem to get.
I heard recently about a veteran who was cleaning out his mom's attic after she'd passed, and found boxes of all his art projects from school, stuff he'd thought that she'd thrown away. He bawled like a baby.
I couldn't do that, if only because I'm already too fixated on keeping things for the least little coolness about them, and clining to physical objects to that degree has harmed our household and made it partially nonfunctional. I would hope to train my kids to create wildly, but not to hang on to all their creations -- take your favorites, take what you've learned, and let most of the things you've made fall by the wayside to make way for new things as you grow and create newer and cooler things. It's a principle I wish my brain were better at putting into practice.
(Though also: Keep *some* of the things you made when you were little, because the comparison of how your skills have grown over time is a good reminder to an anxious brain that yes, you can and do get better as you put in the time. It's also the reason I love reading webcomics that started with amateur art, where the artist grew along with the comic instead of already being a skilled artist before starting the comic. Comics like Selkie, El Goonish Shive, Schlock Mercenary, Sluggy Freelance, Gunnerkrigg Court, they're all dear to my heart for showing me that growth is a factor of *putting in time* above anything else. Showing up and doing, and not letting the amateur quality hold you back, but trusting that you will, in fact, improve, and that it's okay to be where you are right now because that's not the sum total of what you *can* be.)
For anyone who doesn't know about this idea - go research "Guess culture" vs "Ask culture." You can avoid A LOT of uncomfortable rejections like the question-asker's, if you can learn to ASK FIRST, IF the person would like a gift, instead of offering the service, or making it entirely and THEN getting the rejection. "What would you like me to make for you?" IS a question, yes, but it needs to be taken back a step, like, "Would you like me to make something for you?" Those are very different questions.
If you don't see the difference, imagine being asked, "Where would you like to go out for dinner?" compared to, "Do you want to go out for dinner?" There's some assumptions being made in the first question, ie, that the person WILL ACCEPT. That's Guess Culture, assuming that the person will accept. It's harder to politely decline when there's the pressure of "I already decided you will get this, so your only option is what kind." Of course, you yourself can always decide to go out to dinner alone (aka make a thing for just you) - it's when you try to involve a second party without their prior knowledge that the etiquette part shows up.
This is just stuff you end up learning, moving to a lotta different states and having an autistic family member who teaches you how Guess Culture really doesn't work for them... And by you I mean me XD
Well said. The family member telling Adam that when he makes something for someone, it's more about him than them, might be hurtful, but there's probably a true core to it. That's not to say the offer didn't come from a genuine wish to do something nice for them, and we might come up with explanations like envy on their part, or being aware that they aren't able to repay the favor in kind, but ultimately, we have to to respect their wishes and maybe ask if they want something like this at all.
Thank you. I think that I really needed to hear this because I initially resisted what you were saying but it then made me think. I realized that it might apply to me more than I was comfortable with. Thank you for shaking me up a little and making me look at myself.
yes! getting gifts (homemade or not) feels more like aburden to me than a joy, as I dont want to own lots of things.
I can only partly get behind this. While I appreciate the "Would you like to go out" vs "Where do you want to go", a LOT of people, when asked "Do you want me to make you something" would absolutely say no, whether they wanted a handmade gift or not. It's courtesy-culture. Also, it's very often nice to surprise people, and likewise, many people enjoy being surprised.
For gift giving, the one good "guess" option is "What would you like for Christmas/birthday/etc?"
If they don't want anything in particular, plain old money is always an option. The same kids I've given heartfelt handmade gifts to have also gotten gift cards with a little $1 trinket depending on what they wanted at a given time.
I knit my mother a scarf for Christmas. It had elaborate cables, and the yarn was soft and chunky, perfect for 60- degree Fahrenheit Southern California winters.
My heart sank a little when she showed me how carefully she was about to store the thang between two clean pieces of cloth in a box, presumably to be stuck away in her closet somewhere. The weather was already perfect for wearing it ... yet she saw fit to put it away as some random artifact, the way curators do with obscure items of quality in museums.
As far as I know, that scarf was worn once - by me - on a day when I forgot to bring a jacket. While I'm sure she APPRECIATED the skill, time and effort I put in making the gift, she signaled that she didn’t LIKE her new handmade scarf. I stopped knitting and sewing accessories for her. At least, my siblings are knitworthy!
This has happened to me twice!! I said if you don't want or no longer want it, give it back to me.
I made a prop gun from an Anime for a friend. After the convention, he was just going to toss it in the trash because he had no room for it.
Luckily, I was able to ask him for it back before he threw it away. Some people just don't have sentimental or consideration for things that we make.
Some people are just unaware of how much effort goes into making a thing, because they've never done it. To them it appeared in their life as easy as you giving it to them, why would it occur to them that it was more than the inconvenience of lugging around a single-purpose item they'd bought on amazon after they were done with it? Disposable mentality at play.
@@Ylyrra Some people just don't get attached to stuff, I'm definitely not one of them but I know a few folks who are like that.
@@Ylyrra There's a saying "Something freely given has no value". It's not always true but I've seen it play our many times.
This video should be seen by everyone who makes and gives, and by everyone who receives a handmade gift. You have a very important message.
I make hand designed and painted Holiday cards. Many times people will acknowledge them. Utter surprise to me when i visited 2 of my friends and they had them on display for past years!! Having said that, when i get no acknowledgement (doesn't have to be praise) then next year they get store bought.
My sister, when i encouraged her to take up a hobby, said "I appreciate other people's creations." And that summed it up. She enjoys others' work. Love her simplicity❤