After I escaped the narcissistic abuse I was raised in (but long before I had a name for it) I had a weird thing occur. Whatever I was doing, I felt I should be doing the opposite. If I was gardening, I was overcome with the conviction of all the inside chores I should be doing. If puttering indoors, I was smitten with the thoughts of the garden and lawn duties. If sitting and relaxing doing needlework or reading, I was burdened with thoughts of all the other things I should be doing. It's so hard to be in the moment.......
I was made feel guilty constantly. I had three people who made my life hell. My Mother, Sister and my youngest brother. And funny thing I thought the sun shine out of them.
@barbaragreene5137 I went ni contact with my mom, sis and little brother. I was their scapegoat. Not anymore...well, at least I don't have to hear about it.....I don't care about people that do not give 2 craps about me.
They literally want to be offended or upset. They need to fight, and they feel justified if they feel 'slighted.' there is no pleasing the narcissist, and they'll always find someone to abuse, while they simultaneously play the 'victim.' Going no contact is beneficial, and I've had to do this with most of my family. I'm at peace though. 😊
My workaholic dad screamed at me as a kid when I was relaxing on the couch instead of doing a chore. The guilt of not ”doing,doing,doing” is still haunting me to this day.
As a child, I would be punished when idle by a narcissistic parent. Being productive and multitasking is so ingrained in me that I cannot sit down as an adult. Sending love to anyone who has a similar problem. Relaxation anxiety is real!
@@mr.melontoyou … I REPEAT… “Easier said than done!“… if @youngblood8540 had actually “experienced” REAL Narcissistic Abuse, they would never had made such a delusional disconnected reply!!!… INCLUDING yourself @mr.melontoyou!!!
Every time life would seem to settle, my covert narcissist (now ex) husband would suddenly kick off with manufactured chaos. I became scared to actually show that I was having a good day because inevitably he would find something to start up a new cycle. Once he was out of my life, I had to really work to let myself breathe and feel safe
Yep, I get what you mean. I’m afraid to laugh or smile sometimes or even play my music, things that can make me feel abit better, in case he starts his crap again to ruin my moment of peace 😢
For years I had anxiety attacks just as my body drifted off to sleep. I still experience severe anxiety when "calm" sets in. I feel as if when I am quiet and calm or "positive" emotions come up, I must be doing something wrong. I must be missing something I need to deal with. It's overwhelming to deal with the effects of abuse even years later, there is very little rest. Thank you for your work.
I get this often. I end up staying up, and going to bed late, sleepless night and little rest. Last night, I stayed up to put together a filing cart while watching TH-cam videos.
Quiet time brings up the anxiety or fear of “when is the next shoe going to drop”. Always on edge about the next ambush. Creates the inability to relax. It takes baby steps to allow our bodies and souls to recover slowly. I’m 7 years away from the ex narc and still have a severe startle response.
Yes..Dr Ramani. You're so right. Just found the courage to leave, go into a Womens Shelter and file for Divorce after 35 years of Control, Manipulation and Gaslighting and living in so much Conflict and Chaos. I like my quiet moments where I now shed tears of relief in getting out even though I have no friends and he has turned all but one of my five children agsinst me. Am ok with that as I feel safe now while my health takes a priority. Thank you for your enlightening and encouraging videos. Am in Therapy too. Keep up the good work. We need you, some of us, desperately. . ❤❤❤
You'll make it through. I believe in you. Dr. Ramani helped me heal so much. I suggest signing up for her group if you can. It's more private than finding community here, which I felt was helpful.
The CPTSD wont let you forget, so the rumination is always waiting to pounce on the quiet mind, like the Rehabbers in A clockwork Orange, and force you to retraumatise yourself from rerunning your own memories of childhood emotional torture.
This was extremely helpful. Since losing my career at the hands of a malignant narc and being still involved in litigation, 2 yrs later, I have been amazed at my limited ability to focus, when that had always been something I'd excelled at in the past.(and rumination has veen an issue my whole life, now I see that this has exacerbated it).
The recoverywork has been like being reprogrammed to me. One of the things has been relearning to sit in a peace and silent place. Doing nothing. This has taken years to relearn. I am happy, that today I enjoy peace. I enjoy silence. I enjoy my own company.
This is so true.even if I just have a few seconds of walking from the kitchen to the laundry room, here come the nasty thoughts of “why?” Always followed up with things I wish I had said when the perpetrator was lying and gas lighting me. I have flash thoughts and voices in my head of trying to verbalize to these horrid people the truth of what really happened. I know this is futile and I shouldn’t even care about setting them straight because they’re hopeless, but give me a few seconds of “relaxation” and there it goes again. This has been a very enlightening episode.
Thank you for giving my anxiety a name. I have been living this daily and at the age of 59 I’m finally getting therapy and learning to stop shaming myself if I do stop and take time for me.
Was told by a professional to breath deep and relax and by doing that started getting panic attacks she said that with a straight face...so thank you for confirming this for me
I suffer with GAD anyway, which has got much worse over the years since being married to the narc, so I’m always in a state of fight, flight or freeze! I’m always overthinking, ruminating and feeling overwhelmed. My relax time is usually playing my music or exercising but I do have to try hard not to feel more anxiety at these moments and it’s not always easy, especially if the narc is there at that time and he could easily try and ruin my rare moments of pleasure, something I’m doing for myself. I feel I’m always walking on eggshells 😔
I moved over 3,000 miles away to get rest from my narcissistic parent and all the family drama that has come because of it. I’m 45 and about 3-4 yrs ago realized my parent was a narcissist. It has been a long few years but I realized so much about the past and why I was how I was . I set boundaries and had started slowly settling those boundaries 10 yrs ago prior with that parent . The reaction not good. I came to realize a lot of my health issues, being tired a lot and anxiety came because of that relationship. I now live on 5 acres in the country and it’s beautiful and peaceful. I can actually breathe for once. I used to have a hard time getting 4-5 hrs of sleep a night- now I think my body is catching up because I’m getting 8-12 hrs a night now and I take a nap occasionally. Definitely need to relax and just breathe!!!
The concept of relaxation anxiety reminds me of a bumper sticker I once saw, "Jesus is coming. Look busy!" It's as if you are in a constant state of worry about some impending doom, real or imagined. In seriousness, relaxation anxiety can exist in a workplace run by a narcissist. At a previous job with a narcissistic supervisor this was the case with me. If you were not one of the "top performers" in the department you were subjected to harsh criticism, ridicule and insults by the supervisor and whoever was around the water cooler for sitting down quietly, eating a snack, or waiting for the next meeting. The same supervisor has been known to reprimand some employees for making friends or just conversing with anyone outside the department if it did not pertain directly to work. How did the narcissist supervisor know? Sometimes he just "knew." The department was almost cult-like in its operation; not allowing you to have a moment to yourself for quiet time or self reflection and isolating you from others who might provide otherwise refreshing feedback from outside the department. To the best of my knowledge, other departments in the same company did not run like this And while all the garbage was mostly insigated by the supervisor and his immediate cronies, it was HIS boss, the actual head of our department, who condoned such behavior by tacit consent
this is so accurate, but yeah, mindfulness, and insight meditation later - these things make a huge difference, after a few years practice. and on going.
Im just over 2 years out of a 10+ year narc abuse relationship and once again, Dr Ramini hits the nail on the head here and uncovers a huge thing like no one else could. Thank you again Dr R! I've learned to just sit with it in a place you know you should otherwise enjoy. I also rescured a little dog a few weeks after the break up..she sits with me on my boat in a harbor, we watch birds fly and just let it come..then go ..ive done this until the fear of it wears off...Im lucky to have hung on to the boat but the dog has been the real savior..highly recommend getting a pet if you can to help you heal. They are the antithesis of the narc.. Hang in there everyone and we love you Dr Ramini!
Oh, absolutely this is something I struggle with. It's in fact one of my biggest problems. I also struggle with the feeling of "why would I even try to get out of my comfort zone if I don't have enough perseverance? Any effort will be in vain". I feel like I'm fighting myself 24/7
Boy, I can totally relate to this. I will just avoid my feelings, especially right now as I’m in the middle of a narcissistic situation. Thanks for sharing this!
Yes, wish you luck and no more ruminations. As I wish it for myself. Being busy is the best solution to avert my anxieties. For a short time. It is complicated when one is elderly.
Just being is exhausting. Then I feel guilty. It’s a rotation between these two feelings. It has been years now being away from my totalitarian theocratic religious system. 5 years and it’s so hard to relax and stay inside myself and just think.
Relaxation anxiety is real. Having always been anxious and depressed, keeping busy was always my way; reading, writing, crafts, cleaning, baking, cooking. Just sitting in silence is almost torture but I can now do it in small increments but it is something that you do have to work up to. The very few calm and peaceful moments that I do get, I try to just be.
Everyday!... learning how to let it go...However, finding this did not only begin with my spouse but some other members in my family have revealed themselves to be another source of this anxiety. Prayers counteract the effects of the noises in my head, the used space they have taken there that my Narcissists left behind. My prayers have filled the void with hope and affirmed the person I have always been.
Sometimes at home, alone,by myself, i can't believe that i am free to do anything and find myself doing dutiful things like reorganising stuff, cleaning etc. I can do tons of other things, but i can only do that i feel that i have to do, not i want to do. Because in time i think I have forgotten what i really want to do.
This was really important for me. In my case, I suffer from severe migraines from a traumatic brain injury. I knew he hated it when I rested, because his life was so hard, so I would force myself to push through until I was sick. No more. Now when I have a migraine, I rest
I noticed I've been leaning forwards with my body tense like I was braced for something while sitting in the garden. Intentionally leaned back in the chair the one day after noticing. I'll try to remember to breathe deeply and smell the flowers. Nasturtiums smell really good. I have jumped while in the bath or jumped out of the bath when there were unexpected sounds. Had a long flackback while in the bath before. Lost complete awareness of actual surroundings. Still feels good to have a bath though and sometimes it helps with sleep. I do ruminate a lot too.
I thought this was going to be a video about not being able to relax because the narcissist does not allow it otherwise risk being punished. Which has been my situation. If the man I married doesn't see me running ragged from the time I wake up to the time I go to bed then he gets upset. He feels I don't deserve to have any down time since he works for a [comfortable] paycheck FROM HOME and I'm a stay-at-home mom. Once 5pm rolls around he literally does nothing and practically watches me continue to run ragged and does not participate in anything after work. And let's not forget I was running ragged the whole time he was working from home too so he's well aware I'm on my feet and doing a million things while he's working. But he feels entitled to be the privileged one to not have to do anything after 5pm. Then turn around and crack the verbal whip at me for wanting to take a break at the same time because I'm not making a paycheck like him therefore I never earn the right to take time out for myself to relax. I don't know about you, but to me, THIS feels like slave labor dictated by a sadistic tyrant. If i could give it a name I'd call it "domestic slave labor abuse".
It IS slave labor.. or at the very least, indentured servitude. In the ‘70s women tried to get legislation passed that would count homemakers’ labor in the GDP calculations, and also institute a paid wage. It was crushed even faster than the ERA, which had a time limit to ratify (unlike every other amendment ever proposed).
Oh my gosh, I had 2 panic attacks while relaxing. I couldn't understand it, because I thought there was "no reason" for it. The strange thing is that for the longest time, I could only relax in church, because I felt safe and loved there. Recently, I had some health problems that forced me to slow down and ironically, this has been healing for me because it has forced me to deal with this problem (that I didn't know was a problem).
Oh yes! When you have the quiet, it is like your brain does house cleaning. It goes in the basement, then heads to the attic. If you get comfortable with that, you realize the trash is being taken out. Enjoy.
I totally have relaxation anxiety. Glad to know it's a thing. Since my grand discard in 2005 I've grown into a person with no hobbies, toys or interests. This topic is of great importance to me since I'd like to figure out how to enjoy myself by myself.
Dr. Ramani, you deserve the peace of mind that you facilitate for us all with the expert insight, knowledge, and compassion you share with such sparkling clarity. Even a champion, as you are, needs to lay down her shield at th door in a safe place and immerse in a sweet, long rest. Please do that for yourself. You are literally a lifesaver, we love you, are infinitely grateful for you, and want to support you in finding your peace. ❤🙏🏻🕊🥰
I started to ruminate while doing my meditation. Specially when I am more proactive safeguarding against my narcissistic mother. It’s like I am having rebound anxiety. Now I know why. I may need mental distractions / preoccupations forever to silence my intrusive thoughts. Spirituality is my go to rescue.
@DoctorRamani There are no words that help me to tell you how thankfull I am to you for this words. I've been tormented by this feelling for the last 4 years. Even therapy wasn't enough for me to understand what was happening to me. And "the quiet moments" at the end of the day are still torture. I know now where to start from. Thank you again❤
These relationships can be familial and platonic as well. My narc is telling ppl she is my private assistant. I don’t have an assistant. She’s been orchestrating and dolling out instructions to people day to day and referring to herself as GOD. I’ve been trying to make it clear that I don’t want to be apart of anything involving any of these people and they won’t leave me alone. They keep trying to blame me everything on my ex KNOWING I’m talking directly about them! They purposely reinterpret everything I say. I’ve been working just to keep from focusing on this. All I do when i have free time is worry about when this supposed “process”(stalking) is going to end. I do not need or want their help. No matter how many mistakes I make in life I want these ppl out of it and away from me. I don’t need their help/assistance. I don’t get why I have to keep saying this. No matter what the next time I talk to ppl it’s as if I never said anything. They are not my friends. I do not want their assistance. I want their silence and absence. This is not a process, this is stalking.
I have not experienced this. Long before I knew anything about narcissism, I’ll say I remember a couple of people in my distant past, that said something to the effect of, “Ill keep you hoppin’. In fact, I remember having a boss like this and, once I notified his boss, his boss told him that, if he didn’t change his manner, he could go find another job. But, I also got this from neighbors. Even if it’s not said, it is hinted at, that, because they decided it, retired early, that another neighbor is going to be needing me to take care of him, if he got sick, that I am going to be one busy person. Instead of relaxation anxiety, it has caused that idea to backfire, for a number of people I’ve known. That, even if they hardly knew me, they apparently took one look at me and started having some weird image in their mind, that they were to do as they pleased, while I lost sleep over what I “hadn’t” done for them. Hardly the case and 2 opposing thoughts and realities. I have seen the type of people, likely to get relaxation anxiety however. I have felt bad for them. Because they’re too externally-referenced and I know they just don’t know how to get out of it. They often live a life of no personal goals, they give up their health, prosperity, and future, for people who see them as none other than an object to use. Narcissists love these kinds of people and all of the dynamics and intricacies of it make for an ugly picture. For me, personally, I can see how it isn’t simply knowing how to say no and having boundaries. It is getting snagged up in someone else’s entitlement, prejudices about my gender and race and needing to be hyper vigilant, because it becomes a fight I actually have to protect myself from, because these types don’t take no for an answer. They proudly wear a sandwich board saying that they will treat you like dirt and they’re not about to reconsider and back down. Well, they’ve lost many a fight to me.
This is exactly what I have been in 4 decades 😢I’m working on surviving this with Dr Ramini’s help through videos. I can’t thank Dr enough for her great work to help people like us
After he finally left, I couldn't change the rules and habits he instilled in me about the house or my free time. I felt so much guilt when I didn't do the things how the ex wanted. I had to sit down and analyze what was a caprice and what could actually be a practical habit to keep. I'm not very pragmatic and I truth he was more sensible in some aspects like house maintenance. (though lazy cause he expected of me to keep those rules but he obliterated any little rule I had. And I'm the owner!) So I kept 4 or 5 habits and uttered a thank you in my mind, and I'm slowly doing whatever I want in my home. Pragmatic or not. Sensible or not. I don't care
Doing, doing, doing meant survival as a child. To let it go as an adult, does not feel comfortable. So, yes, definitely, relaxation anxiety is a relic from the past abuse.
Relaxation anxiety = fear of forgetting. Fear of forgetting what someone did to you that was absolutely unacceptable. Fear of forgetting and so getting “sucked back in again.” Fear of the guilt in those relationships when you forget, “Why was I so mad last month… I was really mad… why?!?!? I’m not a mad person, but I was mad! What on earth was I so mad about?!?! I’m sure it made sense….”
I found after decades of narcissistic abuse , distraction was actually worse for me . Relaxation anxiety is SO real ! However going no contact for most of this year and radically accepting that these people will never change has helped me heaps . I still have relaxation anxiety at times because I’ve chosen to become somewhat reclusive. When the anxiety comes now I challenge it , I say to myself bring it on and sit with it . I remember all the shocking abusive behaviours , then it’s almost weakens the anxiety demon. I hope this can help anyone going through this , it’s tough at first but it does lessen after a while . Distraction actually cause me more anxiety, I guess we’re all different, I urge everyone going through this to seriously get Dr Ramani book 📖 “ Its not you “ sending best wishes and healing to all ❤
4:11 it's the Damned If You Do or Don't paradigm. I never can stop my head, so relaxing often comes when I'm doing the mindless tasks (vacuuming, dishes, laundry folding). It's like my body has to be occupied so that those annoying ruminants don't float in. Some form of body motion often has to coincide with my "relaxing" attempt. ...i need to stretch more when i listen to these vids, too, maybe 😊 // 6:39 mindfulness was something i'd use in the middle of arguments. Narcspouse would be soliloquizing, and I'd think to myself things like, "Oh hi there, elbow of ky left arm, how are you? Rubbing against the inside of the sweatshirt as you rest on this chair's arm? Ah yes... I can feel that. What's the other elbow doing?" ...and just reun down different body parts until it was my turn to have to say something. // 7:54 How many of us were punished with "go sit in a chair in the corner, shut up, and think about what youve done" ? Did rhis type of punishment help bring about this inability to relax??
After 28 years with a Narcissist, I left. For a long time, I struggled with self care and if my vacation time was more than 3 days off, I would begin to feel depressed. Vacations were rough. After 8 years, I can now enjoy vacations, but it was a long, slow process to get here. It used to be that I would get pissed off at people who would tell me to do some self care. I would always do it in a jovial way because I knew they cared, but it was very irritating for me to hear.
YESSSSSS. I keep trying to explain this to The Spouse and failing. I cant be left alone with my own mind, it's quite literally trying to kill me. But my body is broken, so i fill that void with media. However, if the media doesnt engage Brain with Bad Intent enough, its like being locked in with Mr Hyde. So i'll pick up a tapping game as a teething ring for Teh CrayZay, to keep it busy, so The Spouse can continue to enjoy the media, but now theyre registering that as "checking out" on them. I feel like a Drag Queen dancing in a mine field.
I think i have this. I always have to be doing something, even if its just cleaning my house. And I feel a little off when I'm relaxing, like I should be doing something or I'm wasting time. But I feel like sometimes I have to make myself relax or at least give myself one day a week to kinda "reset" cus my mind and body need it
Absolutely, I do struggle to just be in silence without the quick dopamine fix from my phone. I honestly thought there was something wrong with me that I can't just relax and sit with my thoughts or in prayer. I don't feel like I have full anxiety but back when I was married to my narc all of my anxiety attacks came at night when I was trying to sleep. It seemed like I could never sleep. Makes a lot of sense now.
Mindfulness has helped me. I had lost myself and as I have gone through mindfulness I have learned so much about myself and realized I am not who the narcissist said I was. I believed the lies and now I am so much clearer on who I am and what I want in life.
ugh. I have this for sure. I always thought of it as like anxious energy or anxious productivity, but it's the same thing you are describing. Keeping busy like that is like ruminating, but with your body.
Thank you so much for all the invaluable guidance you give to many souls. Wish you success and a sustained one at that in your journey to heal from relaxation anxiety. Your health is our health. Lot of love from India!
Rumination is impossible to avoid if you have a child with them, especially if you’re fighting in a custody battle for years against one. Even worse is if it’s a woman with the financial capability to hire four different law firms in five years to work her case and the child is an infant, toddler, young child. I have equal joint custody, but she’s still not done 😂
Thank you for this video, i was wondering I prefer working and be tired to fall asleep but waking at night doesn’t make it easy so now I use a headphone listening to music while falling asleep. It’s does help me a lot.
Yes you’re describing me!!! My narcissistic ex is probably blaming me for everything that she’s doing or has already done to my 26,22, and 13 year old daughter, the oldest being men that I left 7 years ago bc of kidney failure and my parents took me in but I’m 1200 miles away and didn’t know about narcissistic abuse until I had time to check and reflect 🙏Down time is scary bc it reflects me back to things that my kids don’t know 🙏Please pray for me and my kids and their mother to get help in the Lord Jesus Christ ✝️
....when I have times that I am really bad - emotionally - I get something different then "relaxation anxiety" which is: ..... the devaluation voices which seem to be always there get really loud - I know where they r coming from - and although I know somehow that they not right they wrong I only can kind of keep my brain busy focus on other stuff (there s a tree, a bird, the smell of/in the air, hear., sensations, counting, breathing in a certain way....etc) I really need time to turn the volume of the devaluation voice down ... if I have a really bad time for a little longer I get a kind of pre-relaxation anxiety ....I get restless if it goes quiet and then the devaluation voice "attacks"
This is something I struggled with during a 20 year narcissistic relationship and that I’m still struggling with in the fourth year after we split up. I’ve been thinking about my nervous system. I would like to develop the ability not to get turned up to 11 in the face of every problem that arises. I think that’s a choice but not an easy choice. I think we can learn not to wig out when upsetting things happen. But I’m not saying that it’s easy and I’m not saying that I know how to do it but that’s what I’m interested in exploring.
This is something that I "run" away from ALL THE TIME!! I am constantly going/moving/doing until I crash into bed. I do meditation but maybe I'm not doing the RIGHT meditation. Ideas would be helpful!😊
@milo49 Hang on in there you brave warrior it takes great courage to do what you have done Sending every good wish your way for a peaceful and happy life ahead...hugs
After I escaped the narcissistic abuse I was raised in (but long before I had a name for it) I had a weird thing occur. Whatever I was doing, I felt I should be doing the opposite. If I was gardening, I was overcome with the conviction of all the inside chores I should be doing. If puttering indoors, I was smitten with the thoughts of the garden and lawn duties. If sitting and relaxing doing needlework or reading, I was burdened with thoughts of all the other things I should be doing. It's so hard to be in the moment.......
I have this too, still to this day! You put into words what I experience all the time, every day.
This is my constant state of mind.
Thinking about all the "shoulds" can drive a person crazy!!!
I was made feel guilty constantly. I had three people who made my life hell. My Mother, Sister and my youngest brother. And funny thing I thought the sun shine out of them.
@barbaragreene5137 I went ni contact with my mom, sis and little brother. I was their scapegoat. Not anymore...well, at least I don't have to hear about it.....I don't care about people that do not give 2 craps about me.
Same
When you’re involved with a narcissist, you are constantly walking on eggshells. Because they are easily offended and upset.
They literally want to be offended or upset. They need to fight, and they feel justified if they feel 'slighted.' there is no pleasing the narcissist, and they'll always find someone to abuse, while they simultaneously play the 'victim.' Going no contact is beneficial, and I've had to do this with most of my family. I'm at peace though. 😊
Once you get past that “walk” you realize how much you’ve changed yourself to accommodate a narc. Be ready for that, and forgive yourself.
@@godspeed6991it’s their oxygen.
Walking in eggshells can really wear out our emotional legs. ... what's the equivalent of stretching/yoga for a brain trying to relax? 😅
Amen. You cannot even look at them the "wrong" way! Lol😂
My workaholic dad screamed at me as a kid when I was relaxing on the couch instead of doing a chore. The guilt of not ”doing,doing,doing” is still haunting me to this day.
Irish Catholic...grew up in poverty after his father died ... his children were such a burden, how dare they have fun
As a child, I would be punished when idle by a narcissistic parent. Being productive and multitasking is so ingrained in me that I cannot sit down as an adult. Sending love to anyone who has a similar problem. Relaxation anxiety is real!
No more wasting time, thinking about wasted time caused by narcissists, is a good start.
❤❤❤
... Easier said than done!... You obviously don't know anything about Narcissistic Abuse and it's long-term deep psychological effects!
Exactly!
@@Chromgraphy you are devaluing this persons experience and you don’t even know them.
@@mr.melontoyou … I REPEAT… “Easier said than done!“… if @youngblood8540 had actually “experienced” REAL Narcissistic Abuse, they would never had made such a delusional disconnected reply!!!… INCLUDING yourself @mr.melontoyou!!!
Every time life would seem to settle, my covert narcissist (now ex) husband would suddenly kick off with manufactured chaos. I became scared to actually show that I was having a good day because inevitably he would find something to start up a new cycle. Once he was out of my life, I had to really work to let myself breathe and feel safe
I've experienced the exact same thing. You explained it better than I ever could. Thank you for sharing and validating so many other's experiences.
Yep, I get what you mean. I’m afraid to laugh or smile sometimes or even play my music, things that can make me feel abit better, in case he starts his crap again to ruin my moment of peace 😢
@@clericoflight476 yep
For years I had anxiety attacks just as my body drifted off to sleep. I still experience severe anxiety when "calm" sets in. I feel as if when I am quiet and calm or "positive" emotions come up, I must be doing something wrong. I must be missing something I need to deal with. It's overwhelming to deal with the effects of abuse even years later, there is very little rest. Thank you for your work.
I get this often. I end up staying up, and going to bed late, sleepless night and little rest. Last night, I stayed up to put together a filing cart while watching TH-cam videos.
Quiet time brings up the anxiety or fear of “when is the next shoe going to drop”. Always on edge about the next ambush. Creates the inability to relax. It takes baby steps to allow our bodies and souls to recover slowly. I’m 7 years away from the ex narc and still have a severe startle response.
YES. I am also... the shoe... Yes, the shoe
When you take those small steps towards mindfulness, soon you will take one giant leap and the universe will follow.
Yes..Dr Ramani. You're so right. Just found the courage to leave, go into a Womens Shelter and file for Divorce after 35 years of Control, Manipulation and Gaslighting and living in so much Conflict and Chaos. I like my quiet moments where I now shed tears of relief in getting out even though I have no friends and he has turned all but one of my five children agsinst me. Am ok with that as I feel safe now while my health takes a priority. Thank you for your enlightening and encouraging videos. Am in Therapy too. Keep up the good work. We need you, some of us, desperately. . ❤❤❤
❤❤❤
You'll make it through. I believe in you. Dr. Ramani helped me heal so much. I suggest signing up for her group if you can. It's more private than finding community here, which I felt was helpful.
@@kates8183 Thank You. I will. ❤
Sending you love and all the best ❤ You deserve many blessings to come🙏💖
@@lovinglifehealth Thank You. ❤
Relaxation Anxiety is rehearsed Trauma personified in slow motion like a train wreck!
The CPTSD wont let you forget, so the rumination is always waiting to pounce on the quiet mind, like the Rehabbers in A clockwork Orange, and force you to retraumatise yourself from rerunning your own memories of childhood emotional torture.
Thank you Dr Ramani! Enjoy your alone time. You are a beautiful soul that has helped millions!
What an important thing to share!!!🥳🥳🥳 I wonder if this is what many children with behavior issues are dealing with.
This was extremely helpful. Since losing my career at the hands of a malignant narc and being still involved in litigation, 2 yrs later, I have been amazed at my limited ability to focus, when that had always been something I'd excelled at in the past.(and rumination has veen an issue my whole life, now I see that this has exacerbated it).
I think when they see you relax is when they decide to up the game
Ruminating thoughts can be tough, but it’s a good thing my mind doesn’t dare overthink anything.
The recoverywork has been like being reprogrammed to me.
One of the things has been relearning to sit in a peace and silent place. Doing nothing.
This has taken years to relearn.
I am happy, that today I enjoy peace.
I enjoy silence.
I enjoy my own company.
This is so true.even if I just have a few seconds of walking from the kitchen to the laundry room, here come the nasty thoughts of “why?” Always followed up with things I wish I had said when the perpetrator was lying and gas lighting me. I have flash thoughts and voices in my head of trying to verbalize to these horrid people the truth of what really happened. I know this is futile and I shouldn’t even care about setting them straight because they’re hopeless, but give me a few seconds of “relaxation” and there it goes again. This has been a very enlightening episode.
Thank you for giving my anxiety a name. I have been living this daily and at the age of 59 I’m finally getting therapy and learning to stop shaming myself if I do stop and take time for me.
Was told by a professional to breath deep and relax and by doing that started getting panic attacks she said that with a straight face...so thank you for confirming this for me
I suffer with GAD anyway, which has got much worse over the years since being married to the narc, so I’m always in a state of fight, flight or freeze! I’m always overthinking, ruminating and feeling overwhelmed. My relax time is usually playing my music or exercising but I do have to try hard not to feel more anxiety at these moments and it’s not always easy, especially if the narc is there at that time and he could easily try and ruin my rare moments of pleasure, something I’m doing for myself. I feel I’m always walking on eggshells 😔
I moved over 3,000 miles away to get rest from my narcissistic parent and all the family drama that has come because of it. I’m 45 and about 3-4 yrs ago realized my parent was a narcissist. It has been a long few years but I realized so much about the past and why I was how I was . I set boundaries and had started slowly settling those boundaries 10 yrs ago prior with that parent . The reaction not good. I came to realize a lot of my health issues, being tired a lot and anxiety came because of that relationship. I now live on 5 acres in the country and it’s beautiful and peaceful. I can actually breathe for once. I used to have a hard time getting 4-5 hrs of sleep a night- now I think my body is catching up because I’m getting 8-12 hrs a night now and I take a nap occasionally. Definitely need to relax and just breathe!!!
The concept of relaxation anxiety reminds me of a bumper sticker I once saw, "Jesus is coming. Look busy!" It's as if you are in a constant state of worry about some impending doom, real or imagined.
In seriousness, relaxation anxiety can exist in a workplace run by a narcissist.
At a previous job with a narcissistic supervisor this was the case with me. If you were not one of the "top performers" in the department you were subjected to harsh criticism, ridicule and insults by the supervisor and whoever was around the water cooler for sitting down quietly, eating a snack, or waiting for the next meeting. The same supervisor has been known to reprimand some employees for making friends or just conversing with anyone outside the department if it did not pertain directly to work. How did the narcissist supervisor know? Sometimes he just "knew."
The department was almost cult-like in its operation; not allowing you to have a moment to yourself for quiet time or self reflection and isolating you from others who might provide otherwise refreshing feedback from outside the department.
To the best of my knowledge, other departments in the same company did not run like this
And while all the garbage was mostly insigated by the supervisor and his immediate cronies, it was HIS boss, the actual head of our department, who condoned such behavior by tacit consent
this is so accurate, but yeah, mindfulness, and insight meditation later - these things make a huge difference, after a few years practice. and on going.
A necessary tool for my brain
Thank you so much! 100% True!
So grateful for these amazing insights from you @Dr R! 🎉 I find so much healing as a therapist myself! Thank you for your work!
Im just over 2 years out of a 10+ year narc abuse relationship and once again, Dr Ramini hits the nail on the head here and uncovers a huge thing like no one else could. Thank you again Dr R!
I've learned to just sit with it in a place you know you should otherwise enjoy. I also rescured a little dog a few weeks after the break up..she sits with me on my boat in a harbor, we watch birds fly and just let it come..then go ..ive done this until the fear of it wears off...Im lucky to have hung on to the boat but the dog has been the real savior..highly recommend getting a pet if you can to help you heal. They are the antithesis of the narc..
Hang in there everyone and we love you Dr Ramini!
Oh, absolutely this is something I struggle with. It's in fact one of my biggest problems. I also struggle with the feeling of "why would I even try to get out of my comfort zone if I don't have enough perseverance? Any effort will be in vain". I feel like I'm fighting myself 24/7
Thank you so much. Lots of love and gratitude from Egypt ❤
Boy, I can totally relate to this. I will just avoid my feelings, especially right now as I’m in the middle of a narcissistic situation. Thanks for sharing this!
Yes, wish you luck and no more ruminations. As I wish it for myself. Being busy is the best solution to avert my anxieties. For a short time. It is complicated when one is elderly.
Just being is exhausting.
Then I feel guilty.
It’s a rotation between these two feelings.
It has been years now being away from my totalitarian theocratic religious system. 5 years and it’s so hard to relax and stay inside myself and just think.
Relaxation anxiety is real. Having always been anxious and depressed, keeping busy was always my way; reading, writing, crafts, cleaning, baking, cooking. Just sitting in silence is almost torture but I can now do it in small increments but it is something that you do have to work up to. The very few calm and peaceful moments that I do get, I try to just be.
Everyday!... learning how to let it go...However, finding this did not only begin with my spouse but some other members in my family have revealed themselves to be another source of this anxiety. Prayers counteract the effects of the noises in my head, the used space they have taken there that my Narcissists left behind. My prayers have filled the void with hope and affirmed the person I have always been.
Sometimes at home, alone,by myself, i can't believe that i am free to do anything and find myself doing dutiful things like reorganising stuff, cleaning etc. I can do tons of other things, but i can only do that i feel that i have to do, not i want to do. Because in time i think I have forgotten what i really want to do.
This was really important for me. In my case, I suffer from severe migraines from a traumatic brain injury. I knew he hated it when I rested, because his life was so hard, so I would force myself to push through until I was sick.
No more. Now when I have a migraine, I rest
I noticed I've been leaning forwards with my body tense like I was braced for something while sitting in the garden. Intentionally leaned back in the chair the one day after noticing. I'll try to remember to breathe deeply and smell the flowers. Nasturtiums smell really good.
I have jumped while in the bath or jumped out of the bath when there were unexpected sounds. Had a long flackback while in the bath before. Lost complete awareness of actual surroundings. Still feels good to have a bath though and sometimes it helps with sleep. I do ruminate a lot too.
So true. If your mind isn't occupied or distracted it defaults into an anxious state of rumination making it impossible to relax.
I thought this was going to be a video about not being able to relax because the narcissist does not allow it otherwise risk being punished. Which has been my situation. If the man I married doesn't see me running ragged from the time I wake up to the time I go to bed then he gets upset. He feels I don't deserve to have any down time since he works for a [comfortable] paycheck FROM HOME and I'm a stay-at-home mom. Once 5pm rolls around he literally does nothing and practically watches me continue to run ragged and does not participate in anything after work. And let's not forget I was running ragged the whole time he was working from home too so he's well aware I'm on my feet and doing a million things while he's working. But he feels entitled to be the privileged one to not have to do anything after 5pm. Then turn around and crack the verbal whip at me for wanting to take a break at the same time because I'm not making a paycheck like him therefore I never earn the right to take time out for myself to relax. I don't know about you, but to me, THIS feels like slave labor dictated by a sadistic tyrant. If i could give it a name I'd call it "domestic slave labor abuse".
It IS slave labor.. or at the very least, indentured servitude. In the ‘70s women tried to get legislation passed that would count homemakers’ labor in the GDP calculations, and also institute a paid wage. It was crushed even faster than the ERA, which had a time limit to ratify (unlike every other amendment ever proposed).
Not that there aren’t women who enslave; but the practice by men is embedded in the economic setup of the US, for example.
Oh my gosh, I had 2 panic attacks while relaxing. I couldn't understand it, because I thought there was "no reason" for it. The strange thing is that for the longest time, I could only relax in church, because I felt safe and loved there. Recently, I had some health problems that forced me to slow down and ironically, this has been healing for me because it has forced me to deal with this problem (that I didn't know was a problem).
Oh yes! When you have the quiet, it is like your brain does house cleaning. It goes in the basement, then heads to the attic. If you get comfortable with that, you realize the trash is being taken out. Enjoy.
I totally have relaxation anxiety. Glad to know it's a thing. Since my grand discard in 2005 I've grown into a person with no hobbies, toys or interests. This topic is of great importance to me since I'd like to figure out how to enjoy myself by myself.
I feel like I can’t “settle” when I’m home alone. I always need to be doing something and feel guilty if I’m not being productive.
Dr. Ramani, you deserve the peace of mind that you facilitate for us all with the expert insight, knowledge, and compassion you share with such sparkling clarity.
Even a champion, as you are, needs to lay down her shield at th door in a safe place and immerse in a sweet, long rest.
Please do that for yourself. You are literally a lifesaver, we love you, are infinitely grateful for you, and want to support you in finding your peace. ❤🙏🏻🕊🥰
I started to ruminate while doing my meditation. Specially when I am more proactive safeguarding against my narcissistic mother. It’s like I am having rebound anxiety. Now I know why. I may need mental distractions / preoccupations forever to silence my intrusive thoughts. Spirituality is my go to rescue.
Strange how you give answers for things I have and do experience. 😮
@DoctorRamani There are no words that help me to tell you how thankfull I am to you for this words. I've been tormented by this feelling for the last 4 years. Even therapy wasn't enough for me to understand what was happening to me. And "the quiet moments" at the end of the day are still torture. I know now where to start from. Thank you again❤
theres another piece to this, i was never Allowed to relax, to just sit, read, take a bubble bath. have a coffee.
I thought that this was only me. Thank you for validating my feelings YET AGAIN, Dr. R.! ❤❤❤
These relationships can be familial and platonic as well. My narc is telling ppl she is my private assistant. I don’t have an assistant. She’s been orchestrating and dolling out instructions to people day to day and referring to herself as GOD. I’ve been trying to make it clear that I don’t want to be apart of anything involving any of these people and they won’t leave me alone. They keep trying to blame me everything on my ex KNOWING I’m talking directly about them! They purposely reinterpret everything I say. I’ve been working just to keep from focusing on this. All I do when i have free time is worry about when this supposed “process”(stalking) is going to end. I do not need or want their help. No matter how many mistakes I make in life I want these ppl out of it and away from me. I don’t need their help/assistance. I don’t get why I have to keep saying this. No matter what the next time I talk to ppl it’s as if I never said anything. They are not my friends. I do not want their assistance. I want their silence and absence. This is not a process, this is stalking.
I have not experienced this. Long before I knew anything about narcissism, I’ll say I remember a couple of people in my distant past, that said something to the effect of, “Ill keep you hoppin’. In fact, I remember having a boss like this and, once I notified his boss, his boss told him that, if he didn’t change his manner, he could go find another job.
But, I also got this from neighbors. Even if it’s not said, it is hinted at, that, because they decided it, retired early, that another neighbor is going to be needing me to take care of him, if he got sick, that I am going to be one busy person. Instead of relaxation anxiety, it has caused that idea to backfire, for a number of people I’ve known. That, even if they hardly knew me, they apparently took one look at me and started having some weird image in their mind, that they were to do as they pleased, while I lost sleep over what I “hadn’t” done for them. Hardly the case and 2 opposing thoughts and realities.
I have seen the type of people, likely to get relaxation anxiety however. I have felt bad for them. Because they’re too externally-referenced and I know they just don’t know how to get out of it. They often live a life of no personal goals, they give up their health, prosperity, and future, for people who see them as none other than an object to use. Narcissists love these kinds of people and all of the dynamics and intricacies of it make for an ugly picture.
For me, personally, I can see how it isn’t simply knowing how to say no and having boundaries. It is getting snagged up in someone else’s entitlement, prejudices about my gender and race and needing to be hyper vigilant, because it becomes a fight I actually have to protect myself from, because these types don’t take no for an answer. They proudly wear a sandwich board saying that they will treat you like dirt and they’re not about to reconsider and back down. Well, they’ve lost many a fight to me.
This is exactly what I have been in 4 decades 😢I’m working on surviving this with Dr Ramini’s help through videos. I can’t thank Dr enough for her great work to help people like us
After he finally left, I couldn't change the rules and habits he instilled in me about the house or my free time.
I felt so much guilt when I didn't do the things how the ex wanted.
I had to sit down and analyze what was a caprice and what could actually be a practical habit to keep.
I'm not very pragmatic and I truth he was more sensible in some aspects like house maintenance. (though lazy cause he expected of me to keep those rules but he obliterated any little rule I had. And I'm the owner!)
So I kept 4 or 5 habits and uttered a thank you in my mind, and I'm slowly doing whatever I want in my home. Pragmatic or not. Sensible or not. I don't care
Doing, doing, doing meant survival as a child. To let it go as an adult, does not feel comfortable. So, yes, definitely, relaxation anxiety is a relic from the past abuse.
Relaxation anxiety = fear of forgetting. Fear of forgetting what someone did to you that was absolutely unacceptable. Fear of forgetting and so getting “sucked back in again.” Fear of the guilt in those relationships when you forget, “Why was I so mad last month… I was really mad… why?!?!? I’m not a mad person, but I was mad! What on earth was I so mad about?!?! I’m sure it made sense….”
I found after decades of narcissistic abuse , distraction was actually worse for me . Relaxation anxiety is SO real ! However going no contact for most of this year and radically accepting that these people will never change has helped me heaps . I still have relaxation anxiety at times because I’ve chosen to become somewhat reclusive. When the anxiety comes now I challenge it , I say to myself bring it on and sit with it . I remember all the shocking abusive behaviours , then it’s almost weakens the anxiety demon. I hope this can help anyone going through this , it’s tough at first but it does lessen after a while . Distraction actually cause me more anxiety, I guess we’re all different, I urge everyone going through this to seriously get Dr Ramani book 📖 “ Its not you “ sending best wishes and healing to all ❤
I needed to see this video! Thank you!🙏🏼 ❤😊
4:11 it's the Damned If You Do or Don't paradigm. I never can stop my head, so relaxing often comes when I'm doing the mindless tasks (vacuuming, dishes, laundry folding). It's like my body has to be occupied so that those annoying ruminants don't float in. Some form of body motion often has to coincide with my "relaxing" attempt. ...i need to stretch more when i listen to these vids, too, maybe 😊 // 6:39 mindfulness was something i'd use in the middle of arguments. Narcspouse would be soliloquizing, and I'd think to myself things like, "Oh hi there, elbow of ky left arm, how are you? Rubbing against the inside of the sweatshirt as you rest on this chair's arm? Ah yes... I can feel that. What's the other elbow doing?" ...and just reun down different body parts until it was my turn to have to say something. // 7:54 How many of us were punished with "go sit in a chair in the corner, shut up, and think about what youve done" ? Did rhis type of punishment help bring about this inability to relax??
I thought that was just a me thing. Thanks Dr. Ramani!
Relaxation Anxiety= waiting for the other shoe to drop
I was afraid to slow down or relax because I would let me guard down. I was always afraid of letting my guard down.
Mindfulness is hard in the midst of narcissistic battle 😂
I could even forget what i ate or said on previous day.
Trauma bonded confusion mess u up.
After 28 years with a Narcissist, I left. For a long time, I struggled with self care and if my vacation time was more than 3 days off, I would begin to feel depressed. Vacations were rough. After 8 years, I can now enjoy vacations, but it was a long, slow process to get here. It used to be that I would get pissed off at people who would tell me to do some self care. I would always do it in a jovial way because I knew they cared, but it was very irritating for me to hear.
YESSSSSS. I keep trying to explain this to The Spouse and failing. I cant be left alone with my own mind, it's quite literally trying to kill me. But my body is broken, so i fill that void with media. However, if the media doesnt engage Brain with Bad Intent enough, its like being locked in with Mr Hyde. So i'll pick up a tapping game as a teething ring for Teh CrayZay, to keep it busy, so The Spouse can continue to enjoy the media, but now theyre registering that as "checking out" on them. I feel like a Drag Queen dancing in a mine field.
I think i have this. I always have to be doing something, even if its just cleaning my house. And I feel a little off when I'm relaxing, like I should be doing something or I'm wasting time. But I feel like sometimes I have to make myself relax or at least give myself one day a week to kinda "reset" cus my mind and body need it
Absolutely, I do struggle to just be in silence without the quick dopamine fix from my phone. I honestly thought there was something wrong with me that I can't just relax and sit with my thoughts or in prayer. I don't feel like I have full anxiety but back when I was married to my narc all of my anxiety attacks came at night when I was trying to sleep. It seemed like I could never sleep. Makes a lot of sense now.
Mindfulness has helped me. I had lost myself and as I have gone through mindfulness I have learned so much about myself and realized I am not who the narcissist said I was. I believed the lies and now I am so much clearer on who I am and what I want in life.
This is happening to me, this makes so much sense … I hate these thoughts I’m struggling hard!
This makes so much sense now!! I have battled to do this for years.😢
ugh. I have this for sure. I always thought of it as like anxious energy or anxious productivity, but it's the same thing you are describing. Keeping busy like that is like ruminating, but with your body.
In addition to this, there is having a history of the narcissist harassing you when you relaxing and aren't being 'useful'.
Thanks for sharing with us. Please take of you as you've shared so much with us. You deserve a break....you deserve to revitalize
Yes Dr Ramani!! I HAVE experienced this. You are amazing lady and I appreciate all of your content and you encouraged me to start therapy!!!!
So YES. I used to be able to meditate but it stresses me out of just thinking about it now.
I kept asking myself why I was scared to relax. It's a new kind of hell
Thank you, Dr. R! I hope you get some peace and enjoyment ❤
Good morning Dr Ramani
Thank you so much for all the invaluable guidance you give to many souls. Wish you success and a sustained one at that in your journey to heal from relaxation anxiety. Your health is our health. Lot of love from India!
I struggle with wanting to go back to a narcissist in times of boredom. I use projects to direct my focus away from limerence.
Rumination is impossible to avoid if you have a child with them, especially if you’re fighting in a custody battle for years against one. Even worse is if it’s a woman with the financial capability to hire four different law firms in five years to work her case and the child is an infant, toddler, young child. I have equal joint custody, but she’s still not done 😂
Thank you for this video, i was wondering I prefer working and be tired to fall asleep but waking at night doesn’t make it easy so now I use a headphone listening to music while falling asleep. It’s does help me a lot.
Yes you’re describing me!!! My narcissistic ex is probably blaming me for everything that she’s doing or has already done to my 26,22, and 13 year old daughter, the oldest being men that I left 7 years ago bc of kidney failure and my parents took me in but I’m 1200 miles away and didn’t know about narcissistic abuse until I had time to check and reflect 🙏Down time is scary bc it reflects me back to things that my kids don’t know 🙏Please pray for me and my kids and their mother to get help in the Lord Jesus Christ ✝️
OMGoodness this is so spot on. 🤦🏻♂️
I was worried about relaxing because she always asked if I had finished X yet. X wasn't something I knew about yet most times
or knew it was top of their list for YOUR to do list. how dare you not read their minds?
Yes, this describes exactly what I have experienced and brings awareness. Thank You!
It's so bad I have chest pains at times.
....when I have times that I am really bad - emotionally - I get something different then "relaxation anxiety" which is:
..... the devaluation voices which seem to be always there get really loud - I know where they r coming from - and although I know somehow that they not right they wrong I only can kind of keep my brain busy
focus on other stuff (there s a tree, a bird, the smell of/in the air, hear., sensations, counting, breathing in a certain way....etc)
I really need time to turn the volume of the devaluation voice down
...
if I have a really bad time for a little longer I get a kind of pre-relaxation anxiety ....I get restless if it goes quiet
and then the devaluation voice "attacks"
Maybe, but probably more in the past than now. I definitely know some people who would definitely fit here.
Yes I do struggle with that
Some nights are harder than others
I then say
Give it to God and go to sleep
This is something I struggled with during a 20 year narcissistic relationship and that I’m still struggling with in the fourth year after we split up. I’ve been thinking about my nervous system. I would like to develop the ability not to get turned up to 11 in the face of every problem that arises. I think that’s a choice but not an easy choice. I think we can learn not to wig out when upsetting things happen. But I’m not saying that it’s easy and I’m not saying that I know how to do it but that’s what I’m interested in exploring.
Oh my gosh! 😮 She's right.
This is something that I "run" away from ALL THE TIME!! I am constantly going/moving/doing until I crash into bed. I do meditation but maybe I'm not doing the RIGHT meditation. Ideas would be helpful!😊
Wow this is so real
@milo49
Hang on in there you brave warrior it takes great courage to do what you have done
Sending every good wish your way for a peaceful and happy life ahead...hugs
Hey 👋🏻
Hi 👋
Definitely experience this.
Ok I do ruminate, wish this would stop. However I do feel peace
This is me. Trying to get divorced from this man 😡
best of luck
What if simple mindfulness causes panic and pain?