The worst thing is gossip. When I hang out with someone who actively talks badly about other people behind their back it already makes me uncomfortable, but then I remember they are just as capable of doing the same thing to *me* as well. The worst thing is leaving doesn’t make you safer, if anything just makes that person more likely to speak badly about you and you have no control over it. I guess just one of those consequences we have to live with 😮💨
Well said. These are wise words and I hope you all listen to this woman. I knew a woman for almost 9 years, and was in a relationship with her for nearly 5 years. “Get ready to be treated worse than a stranger they just meet on the street” is wisdom. I’ve seen how nasty my ex could be to her loved ones, and it is borderline stupid of me to think our connection was exempt from that. Now I’ve been discarded and treated the same. And I won’t take it personally any longer because as you said it’s a pattern. Stay wise, it’s helpful.
I’m conflicted about this video because I used to be the friend that would ghost, and that was shitty of me. I decided to change this and when I would run into issues with friends and communicate, and say I needed space or an acknowledgment of some wrongs including my part that I played, EVERY single time I have received the gaslighting and verbal abuse. While I think my approach to my relationships is healthier, the responses I have gotten have absolutely not been fun, and resulted in the friendship blowing up anyway. My issue with using communication is that people have trouble owning their stuff and sometimes it doesn’t feel worth it. I’d love some clarification or feedback on this because I think this video bothered me for a reason and I wanna dig into that
Sometimes like attracts like, meaning you can have the same patterns as the people around you and when you make the conscious decision to do better communicate, set and follow boundaries its not a magically better or healthier relationship just because you change. The people around you also have to want to be aware and change too otherwise you’ll become a black sheep in the situation and need to walk away as well. It took many years and a series of these situations for me to understand that and get to a healthy community.
I'm conflicted too. I find myself regularly caught between "just don't give up this time, that's what I teach my kids, it's just around the corner!" And "nah, fuck it, this is a cycle and I have to stop it and change right now." The "stopping it" and regrouping to then get up and try again inevitably makes me look like an asshole for not being on another person's timeline, but it's not wrong of me either.... or like I'm ghosting to a bunch of people I consider to be toxic, it's like regulated people understand a healthy need for space, but fixing the healthy part when you're aware you come from a background of toxic pattern is a bitch. I don't know.
I am in the exact same situation minus the not understanding friends. That's why I have been thinking they are too kind cuz they could be like yours. I am grateful but I am also troubled cuz I know it's a mess and I hurt myself and others cuz I don't know how to figure out myself and me in relationships ig.
Honestly everyone is young once and needs to grow and heal. Thats all its okay if you have toxic traits you know about and are actively working to fix.
This helped me a lot with a situation with a friend I’m having right now to be honest we both have things that we need to work on but I have chosen to distance myself from it for a bit until I can get into a more stable emotional state
I needed to hear all of this today. I definitely have some of these toxic traits myself, but it’s been abusive both ways in my five year and 7 month relationship. When I told him last night (after suffering a miscarriage in July) that I felt emotionally unsafe because he kicked me out of his home & then proceeded to rage text me while I was actively miscarrying- he told me it “no longer mattered” and all we could do was “move forward or not.” He even laughed at me. And no matter how I’ve reasoned through some of what he said, I know deep down I’m not the entire problem. I’ve lost so many people and so much of myself the last 5.5 years, and I’m scared to start over. But I have to sit down with him & say goodbye, and start the process of healing my own wounds and acknowledging where I went wrong as well. Thank you for posting this. I really, really needed to hear this. I can change, but I can’t force him to change.
Starting over is only bad because it's different. Turn chance and change into something positive and you might just see something you have been waiting for!
@reluctant.idealist can I just say for one, that I am so sorry you went through that and I deeply admire your strength. You deserve better. My older sister completely chewed me up and spit me out the other day over something very small that annoyed her when in reality, she’s been burying her own feelings towards other things and I happened to be who she exploded on. When I told her I don’t feel emotionally safe around her right now and need space, she said I hold grudges and need to let it go. So while she’s my sister and I love her, I know I don’t owe her any part of me and especially if she can’t show me basic human respect. Own your strength, girl. We got this. 💪🏻
Of course not. But especially because not everyone is like this it's important to recognize this behaviour pattern when you do see it. When this situation happened to me I blamed myself for a very long time thinking I did something wrong. I assumed the other person was acting in good faith and that I had done something. I stayed way too long trying to figure out what I had done. I should have immediately left and not looked back.
Doesn't matter if it's "personal" or not, it still makes life meaningless. And it's EVERYWHERE. Where's the place outside of this crap?? I haven't found it.
Thank you for your content, I'm atill adjusting to a situation of mine that mirrors this exact thing and its almost to the letter how painfully accurate shr is in how these people tend to operate.
You articulated this so well. It's exactly the words I've been struggling to find the past few months after a big blow-up between a friend and I. We had an argument which led to me expressing that I didn't know if we should be friends anymore because he was projecting a lot of his past trauma onto me. Mind you, I was also coming out of another unstable situation and really have been in an emotionally vulnerable place all year. Rather than take any accountability for his part, he told me I went "overboard" and basically told me to f*ck off. After several days of silence, I tried to reconnect and apologize and while it seemed like we'd both cooled down some, I was still the only one taking any accountability and trying to mend the friendship. In his words, trying to mend us was "beating a dead horse". I was crushed - just like you said, I had to face the fact that what he'd told me previously about just cutting people off when things went south was now happening to me...despite that I acknowledged my part, my mistake, and wanted to do better, I still got lumped into the same category as the people from his past that he called abusive. 😢
I've developed some of these behaviors in response to them some pretty heavy invalidation/gaslighting. I've gotten very reactive lately and to afraid/embarrassed to even try to come back. But this was also years of being told my feelings don't matter as much as everyone elses. I don't want to be this way 😭 😊
This is what's called reactive abuse. I am like this as well. Crapped all over until I can't take it any longer and explode. So many family members lost their minds when I started saying "no" to them. Or telling them about how I don't like their bad behavior and to "stop" I'm in therapy for all this but I'm starting to lose hope. It's hard. Good luck out there.
This is what's called reactive abuse. I am like this as well. Crapped all over until I can't take it any longer and explode. So many family members lost their minds when I started saying "no" to them. Or telling them about how I don't like their bad behavior and to "stop" I'm in therapy for all this but I'm starting to lose hope. It's hard. Good luck out there.
I’ve experienced this from others but mainly from myself towards others. I have really bad avoidance and somewhat disorganized with relationships. Due to my upbringing. I’ll go months without contacting people I use to talk to often. It’s terrible and I prayed about my behaviors recently and to be shown what I need to improve on. Thank you for this much needed video. We really need to do better collectively with how we go about one another.
Was a victim of this myself. I didnt see the signs even when i was feeling nervous to be my true self towards the end around them. She had a pattern of just dropping people and talking shit. Not proud of it but i would also partake in it too with them because of the mindset that you support your friends even in a little delusion [like when they break up with a shitty man and we embellish it further]. But then she started doing it to me too and making me feel like shit no matter what even though she was barely giving me the bare minimum. Ultimately ghosted me entirely and so did her other friends she would talk shit about me to. Honestly for the better cuz i was engaging in a toxic cycle unable to leave and desperately clinging to the friendship. She was my longest and closest friend and i didnt know life without her. Losing her felt like the end of the world but she really just did me a favor because now im spending more time with other friends who are better. And despite it all and how i would totally be petty if i had to interact with her again [smtg i need to work through], i do hope that shes doing better for herself too.
U stated if u see that ex friend of urs again, you'll be petty towards her, so u need to 'work on that'. Like how do u 'work through' stuff like these? Wht steps do u even take? Other than therapy and journalling
I tried to address issues with this girl before, she dismissed me hard. Then she picked a fight with me in the group chat and I refused to play with her, it was like 2am. She cut me off and told everyone how cold and avoidant I am. The worst part is that she doesn't know what she did and only sees what others did wrong. The way I minded my business and refused to be dragged into her nonsense.. y'all... I definitely have a lot to work on but refusing to be vulnerable to the emotionally unsafe is something I will continue doing
My aunt just did this to me. I was trying to ignore her texts because she did something that really bothered me and I just didn't want to talk to her. Then she sends this petty text to get me to respond and when I finally responded, she didn't like my response....even when I try to ignore and not clapback, I still catch hell!
i do act like that, but idk not in a mean way, i wouldnt call myself emotionally unsafe nor a narcissist, i dont feel like i try to protect “my victimhood”, when im tired of people i just ghost them and thats it
@@BigAviLei You’re definitely right. I guess it’s just the language implies (to me) that you see people as disposable/ you would get tired of them like you would an item. I just wonder if there are more empathetic ways to approach naturally growing apart from / tired of someone than just throwing them out when you’re bored.
@@BigAviLeiWell, you are completely allowed to *feel* the way you feel .. how on these feelings then is _acted_, that can be done in three different ways (not all of them are healthy / each have their own time): 1. Behave like you are the only human that matters, not respecting the other 2. Behave like the other is the only human that matters, not respecting yourself 3. Realize everyone matters, but you decide on whats right for you, and so you act in a way that suits you that isnt unnecessary disrespecting and hurting of others. For example, instead of ghosting, which can give alot of negative effects on another: could A. let them know that the two of you are not compatible (anymore), B. life changed for you which changed how you can relate, or C. that their values and direction dont align, and could wish them the best. The third one is the pick for healthy relating. The others should only & may be used when its the one and only way to survive. Or when someone is wired in such way that they cant give empathy well, ok, then they as such showed them how they work.
The worst thing is gossip. When I hang out with someone who actively talks badly about other people behind their back it already makes me uncomfortable, but then I remember they are just as capable of doing the same thing to *me* as well. The worst thing is leaving doesn’t make you safer, if anything just makes that person more likely to speak badly about you and you have no control over it. I guess just one of those consequences we have to live with 😮💨
Well said. These are wise words and I hope you all listen to this woman. I knew a woman for almost 9 years, and was in a relationship with her for nearly 5 years. “Get ready to be treated worse than a stranger they just meet on the street” is wisdom. I’ve seen how nasty my ex could be to her loved ones, and it is borderline stupid of me to think our connection was exempt from that. Now I’ve been discarded and treated the same. And I won’t take it personally any longer because as you said it’s a pattern. Stay wise, it’s helpful.
I’m conflicted about this video because I used to be the friend that would ghost, and that was shitty of me.
I decided to change this and when I would run into issues with friends and communicate, and say I needed space or an acknowledgment of some wrongs including my part that I played, EVERY single time I have received the gaslighting and verbal abuse. While I think my approach to
my relationships is healthier, the responses I have gotten have absolutely not been fun, and resulted in the friendship blowing up anyway.
My issue with using communication is that people have trouble owning their stuff and sometimes it doesn’t feel worth it.
I’d love some clarification or feedback on this because I think this video bothered me for a reason and I wanna dig into that
Sometimes like attracts like, meaning you can have the same patterns as the people around you and when you make the conscious decision to do better communicate, set and follow boundaries its not a magically better or healthier relationship just because you change. The people around you also have to want to be aware and change too otherwise you’ll become a black sheep in the situation and need to walk away as well. It took many years and a series of these situations for me to understand that and get to a healthy community.
I really struggle with this as well.
I'm conflicted too. I find myself regularly caught between "just don't give up this time, that's what I teach my kids, it's just around the corner!" And "nah, fuck it, this is a cycle and I have to stop it and change right now."
The "stopping it" and regrouping to then get up and try again inevitably makes me look like an asshole for not being on another person's timeline, but it's not wrong of me either.... or like I'm ghosting to a bunch of people I consider to be toxic, it's like regulated people understand a healthy need for space, but fixing the healthy part when you're aware you come from a background of toxic pattern is a bitch. I don't know.
I am in the exact same situation minus the not understanding friends. That's why I have been thinking they are too kind cuz they could be like yours. I am grateful but I am also troubled cuz I know it's a mess and I hurt myself and others cuz I don't know how to figure out myself and me in relationships ig.
Honestly everyone is young once and needs to grow and heal. Thats all its okay if you have toxic traits you know about and are actively working to fix.
This helped me a lot with a situation with a friend I’m having right now to be honest we both have things that we need to work on but I have chosen to distance myself from it for a bit until I can get into a more stable emotional state
I needed to hear all of this today.
I definitely have some of these toxic traits myself, but it’s been abusive both ways in my five year and 7 month relationship.
When I told him last night (after suffering a miscarriage in July) that I felt emotionally unsafe because he kicked me out of his home & then proceeded to rage text me while I was actively miscarrying- he told me it “no longer mattered” and all we could do was “move forward or not.” He even laughed at me. And no matter how I’ve reasoned through some of what he said, I know deep down I’m not the entire problem.
I’ve lost so many people and so much of myself the last 5.5 years, and I’m scared to start over.
But I have to sit down with him & say goodbye, and start the process of healing my own wounds and acknowledging where I went wrong as well.
Thank you for posting this. I really, really needed to hear this.
I can change, but I can’t force him to change.
Starting over is only bad because it's different. Turn chance and change into something positive and you might just see something you have been waiting for!
@reluctant.idealist can I just say for one, that I am so sorry you went through that and I deeply admire your strength. You deserve better. My older sister completely chewed me up and spit me out the other day over something very small that annoyed her when in reality, she’s been burying her own feelings towards other things and I happened to be who she exploded on. When I told her I don’t feel emotionally safe around her right now and need space, she said I hold grudges and need to let it go. So while she’s my sister and I love her, I know I don’t owe her any part of me and especially if she can’t show me basic human respect. Own your strength, girl. We got this. 💪🏻
Sure, but not all people are like that. So discernment is 🗝️
Of course not. But especially because not everyone is like this it's important to recognize this behaviour pattern when you do see it. When this situation happened to me I blamed myself for a very long time thinking I did something wrong. I assumed the other person was acting in good faith and that I had done something. I stayed way too long trying to figure out what I had done. I should have immediately left and not looked back.
Doesn't matter if it's "personal" or not, it still makes life meaningless. And it's EVERYWHERE. Where's the place outside of this crap?? I haven't found it.
I hope you will find your tribe. You may be an intuitive. We only make up 30% of the pop. It also ties in w things like audhd and cptsd.
nobody is emotionally safe when you get close enough to them
you pick someone who can deal with your shit
Thank you for your content, I'm atill adjusting to a situation of mine that mirrors this exact thing and its almost to the letter how painfully accurate shr is in how these people tend to operate.
Dammmm just hit me where I live telling it like it is. You speak truth and I needed the reminder. Well done. Thank you.
You articulated this so well. It's exactly the words I've been struggling to find the past few months after a big blow-up between a friend and I. We had an argument which led to me expressing that I didn't know if we should be friends anymore because he was projecting a lot of his past trauma onto me. Mind you, I was also coming out of another unstable situation and really have been in an emotionally vulnerable place all year. Rather than take any accountability for his part, he told me I went "overboard" and basically told me to f*ck off. After several days of silence, I tried to reconnect and apologize and while it seemed like we'd both cooled down some, I was still the only one taking any accountability and trying to mend the friendship. In his words, trying to mend us was "beating a dead horse". I was crushed - just like you said, I had to face the fact that what he'd told me previously about just cutting people off when things went south was now happening to me...despite that I acknowledged my part, my mistake, and wanted to do better, I still got lumped into the same category as the people from his past that he called abusive. 😢
I've developed some of these behaviors in response to them some pretty heavy invalidation/gaslighting. I've gotten very reactive lately and to afraid/embarrassed to even try to come back. But this was also years of being told my feelings don't matter as much as everyone elses.
I don't want to be this way 😭 😊
This is what's called reactive abuse. I am like this as well. Crapped all over until I can't take it any longer and explode. So many family members lost their minds when I started saying "no" to them. Or telling them about how I don't like their bad behavior and to "stop" I'm in therapy for all this but I'm starting to lose hope. It's hard. Good luck out there.
This is what's called reactive abuse. I am like this as well. Crapped all over until I can't take it any longer and explode. So many family members lost their minds when I started saying "no" to them. Or telling them about how I don't like their bad behavior and to "stop" I'm in therapy for all this but I'm starting to lose hope. It's hard. Good luck out there.
Exactly what I’m going theough
I’ve experienced this from others but mainly from myself towards others. I have really bad avoidance and somewhat disorganized with relationships. Due to my upbringing. I’ll go months without contacting people I use to talk to often. It’s terrible and I prayed about my behaviors recently and to be shown what I need to improve on. Thank you for this much needed video. We really need to do better collectively with how we go about one another.
Was a victim of this myself. I didnt see the signs even when i was feeling nervous to be my true self towards the end around them. She had a pattern of just dropping people and talking shit. Not proud of it but i would also partake in it too with them because of the mindset that you support your friends even in a little delusion [like when they break up with a shitty man and we embellish it further]. But then she started doing it to me too and making me feel like shit no matter what even though she was barely giving me the bare minimum. Ultimately ghosted me entirely and so did her other friends she would talk shit about me to. Honestly for the better cuz i was engaging in a toxic cycle unable to leave and desperately clinging to the friendship. She was my longest and closest friend and i didnt know life without her. Losing her felt like the end of the world but she really just did me a favor because now im spending more time with other friends who are better. And despite it all and how i would totally be petty if i had to interact with her again [smtg i need to work through], i do hope that shes doing better for herself too.
U stated if u see that ex friend of urs again, you'll be petty towards her, so u need to 'work on that'. Like how do u 'work through' stuff like these? Wht steps do u even take? Other than therapy and journalling
You are really right though. Those are dysfunctional strange people. Treat them like a disease & stay away.
I tried to address issues with this girl before, she dismissed me hard. Then she picked a fight with me in the group chat and I refused to play with her, it was like 2am. She cut me off and told everyone how cold and avoidant I am. The worst part is that she doesn't know what she did and only sees what others did wrong. The way I minded my business and refused to be dragged into her nonsense.. y'all... I definitely have a lot to work on but refusing to be vulnerable to the emotionally unsafe is something I will continue doing
My aunt just did this to me. I was trying to ignore her texts because she did something that really bothered me and I just didn't want to talk to her. Then she sends this petty text to get me to respond and when I finally responded, she didn't like my response....even when I try to ignore and not clapback, I still catch hell!
Well, damn. I needed to hear that. 😮💨
Thank you
Thank you 🙏
I wish I had seen this a few months ago
What foundation is that?
i do act like that, but idk not in a mean way, i wouldnt call myself emotionally unsafe nor a narcissist, i dont feel like i try to protect “my victimhood”, when im tired of people i just ghost them and thats it
“When I’m tired of people” is kinds crazy ngl……
@@Duckydesu but i genuinely dont see why, i tend to think its part of human nature, at some point you get tired of things
@@BigAviLei You’re definitely right. I guess it’s just the language implies (to me) that you see people as disposable/ you would get tired of them like you would an item. I just wonder if there are more empathetic ways to approach naturally growing apart from / tired of someone than just throwing them out when you’re bored.
@@Duckydesu yeah i understand, i do think there are other ways for sure, it’s just that not everybody has “mastered” them i guess
@@BigAviLeiWell, you are completely allowed to *feel* the way you feel .. how on these feelings then is _acted_, that can be done in three different ways (not all of them are healthy / each have their own time):
1. Behave like you are the only human that matters, not respecting the other
2. Behave like the other is the only human that matters, not respecting yourself
3. Realize everyone matters, but you decide on whats right for you, and so you act in a way that suits you that isnt unnecessary disrespecting and hurting of others.
For example, instead of ghosting, which can give alot of negative effects on another: could A. let them know that the two of you are not compatible (anymore), B. life changed for you which changed how you can relate, or C. that their values and direction dont align, and could wish them the best.
The third one is the pick for healthy relating.
The others should only & may be used when its the one and only way to survive. Or when someone is wired in such way that they cant give empathy well, ok, then they as such showed them how they work.
4:26
You can’t just lie and be a piece of shit! The. Hey your emotionally provocatively!
Thank you! I really appreciate your words of wisdom.🤍🙏