Some of my favorite responses: * I'm not comfortable sharing that. * Recollections may vary about that. * I'm so happy for you that that's your experience of them. My experience was different. * That's a really invasive/intimate question. Is there a valid reason you think you need to know that? (this can be an escalation from 'I'm not comfortable sharing that' if they don't take the hint and keep pushing. You can even go as far as "That's something I would only share with people in my inner circle and we don't have that kind of relationship.". If they say "They're the best thing/job that ever happened to you" Response: "Oh really?. Well, that makes me sad that you wouldn't want better for me than what I went through in that relationship/job, etc. Even if you don't I'm glad I have better standards for myself.". Stop being polite with responses when people are invasive, judgmental, rude, and think they know you better than they do. Let them walk away telling people you were rude. Fuck them. If they are these kind of people why care about what they think.
An ex made a dismissive remark to me, I challenged it. He came back with I was joking, your too sensitive… I came back with ‘ I love my sensitivity, and I’m not changing, so if you don’t like the way I am you know where the door is, don’t let it hit you on the arse on the way out’ . Shortly after I kicked him out.
This'll be useful when my mother inevitably says something insulting this weekend. Thank you ❤ Holy crap I wrote this BEFORE you got to narc mom's. TYSM FOR COVERING THIS 🙏🏽
I wish I had a Terri Cole in my life in my 20s and 30s. I finally figured this out, but it was a painful journey. She is spot on about everything, esp the 'mother stuff!' The narcissistic mother never changes, ever. The hardest lesson of my life.
Speaking as a man, I understand that woman have been severely mistreated by men, so no wonder it has come to this, but think guys, is this really how you want to be? Playing this power dynamics game, it’s completely exhausting. If someone asks you, “did you have a miscarriage?”, you can simply say, “that’s a very touchy subject for me, it’s not light conversation, and so I don’t want to discuss this”… and then move on. Maybe the person who asked is an asshole, in which case, you don’t want to talk too much to them, or perhaps they asked because his wife too had a miscarriage and he was looking for how to support her. I see this same stuff on the guys side, both genders are trying to play this power dynamics game and it’s completely exhausting.
Thank you, I needed to see this video before the holidays. This will be my 2nd year not doing family holidays because I just can't handle the fakeness, manipulation, and guilt tripping that comes along with it. I was feeling a bit guilty about not going this year because we never know how much longer we have with our parents. I am 42, and they still treat me like a child, and because it was a very abusive childhood, I've learned to just put my head down and keep the peace. I am tired of doing that, so I decided a couple of years ago that I will use this time off to go on backpacking trips and other adventures. It makes me happy to do these things, but I can't help but feel guilty because they have embedded into my programming. Any and all advice is welcome, thanks for taking the time to read my comment.
Sounds to me like you are taking loving and good care of yourself! ❤ The only advice I'd give is to try your best to work on letting the guilt go ..it's important to take care of yourself.
If your caregivers (and maybe siblings) were and and are abusive and they have never said sorry and *consistently* made up for the abuse: *Stay away and never feel guilty!* Also, you do not have to forgive anything. Plus: There are unforgiveable things like beating a baby, sexual abuse or heavy emotional abuse. In case the abuse seems forgiveable to you plus everyone apologized from the depth of their hearts and is doing their best now: Then you can think to start better relationships with them - *if you want*
you have no obligation to your parents or your siblings. You do, however, have a responsibility to yourself to take care of and love yourself! Guilt and shame hold us down. The programming we receive as children is hard to break but we can break it. Be joyful. Re write your story and create your own traditions over the holidays. There is absolutely no shame in that. There's a new adventure waiting for you. Sending you love ❤️
I love that you're doing this ❤ adventures & choosing YOU! It's inspiring. Time spend should be fun and you've definitely chosen a healthy fun time. I hope your holidays are amazing, full of enjoyment and zero programmed guilt. I hope you challenge that feeling wherever it comes up, because there's no need to feel guilt when you're doing what's best for you. You aren't hurting anyone, you just choose not to entertain the fakeness ❤ be real 😊 stay true to you! Happy holidays ☺️
Good for you. I’m a lot older than you sixty eight to be exact and for the last nine years I have chosen to spend Christmas alone…..this is the first time in fifteen years I won’t have my little dog ( he died last month). I will make a nice meal, light a log fire, open a bottle of champagne, there’s a couple of good books I’ve been saving to read, then curl up in front of the fire in my new silk pyjamas! As I write my plan I realise how safe, happy and contented my life is.
I love how you brought up the importance of standing up for yourself with dignity, especially in moments when we're confronted with intrusive or inappropriate comments. It's so empowering to realize that we don't have to accept those situations without a response. The tools and strategies shared in this episode, especially from Terri Cole, are game-changers for anyone wanting to establish healthy boundaries. Setting boundaries is a form of self-care, and this conversation is a great reminder that we all deserve respect and space to be ourselves. 🙌
Great video, A month ago, my five-year relationship came to an end. I really can't stop thinking about the love of my life, who made the decision to leave me. I've done everything in my power to win him back, but it's all in vain, and I can't imagine my life with anyone else. I genuinely miss him and just can't stop thinking about him, even though I've tried my hardest to stop thinking about him. I'm not sure why I'm saying this here.
It's hard to say goodbye to someone you love; I experienced this when my 12-year relationship ended. However, I couldn't just let him go; instead, I tried everything to win him back. Eventually, I turned to a spiritual counsellor for assistance, and he was able to help me win him back.
Thank you for this valuable information, i just looked him up now online. impressive Wow I just looked Father Obah Eze on the net he’s very legit thanks once again ❤
Favorite frames : Flip the script “Why would you ask me that?” We are not talking about (my sensitivity) we are talking about why you are asking me that”. Brilliant strategy by Kasia Urbaniak.. do not let them provoke you.. do not give up information that might make you emotionally vulnerable.. finger up “No thanks!”.. be strategic .. “I’m not talking about this”. Distract, use humor .. put the attention back on them .
I learned to respond this way: “That’s an interesting question: why do you ask?” Hasn’t failed me yet. And, if you are being Adkins with others present, turn to them and ask in a dumbfounded manner, “Did you hear what she/he asked?”
No contact 3 years w narc mom and covert narc father. So much peace!!!! I’m so happy. Thanksgiving is so peaceful ! Yes I found a new mother who actually loves me. I forgive them and pray for them but never want to see them again
You really are not alone in the problems you go through in life. I have found a new mother, and she is so warm, so welcoming. Every time (I feel like this is not normal) I mentally pinch myself when I am with her cause I have never had that in my life.
how brave of you and the best you can do !! : ) you do not have to forgive anything. there are things that i do not and will never forgive. and i'm fine.
@@CeciledeLuireForgiveness is for yourself, not them. She did the right thing by forgiving them where she can emotionally release these people without any feeling anger/malice for them. When you don't forgive, you only harm yourself, that stuff builds up inside and cause sickness. If you don't want to forgive, don't worry, cancer or something WILL come after a long time holding on to bs.
@@empresstina876 that is simply not true. it is a fairy tale tale that one can find peace only when being forgiving. i am fine and calm, and still there is things that i do not and will not forgive.
Hey all. I have tried the tactic of saying "I'm not discussing that" to have those people push and push in order to get my goat......being ADHD it is really difficult to de-escalate myself. Humor and trying to change the subject or trying to remove myself causes even more pushing from them. Trying to avoid ALL these people is not an option unfortunately.
I once had my X’s inlaw ask me “are you going to have another baby?” I was silent, but… then she said: “oh you probably are gonna quit while you’re ahead, right?!” “ After three miscarriages we finally had one. Meanwhile our beautiful son was 6 months old and she asked nada about the child who made it to this Earth!!
Thank you for your show! Your guests are amazing!!! This is something all people need to hear. I love the idea of practicing ahead how to protect yourself without responding aggressively or give in to their cruelty
I started a new job and EVERY woman asked me if I’m married, do I have kids?????!!!! No kids, why not? Do you want them? Do t you like kids? Why aren’t you married? No boyfriend ? Why not? Even my age!!! It was so shocking.
Same!!!! At my interview I had all that,as she told me all the relationship and child info on every member of staff ,followed by the Manageress saying I need to know all this. I thought oh no you don't and I laughed it off and let the silence after tell her I wasn't giving up that info.
In that case, you might want to try the "Long and Boring Response." If you do this a couple of times, they'll stop asking. So, if they ask when you're going to lose weight. You can say: "Well, I've given this a lot of thought. In fact, I first started thinking about it when I was cleaning my house last summer. I wanted to do some spring cleaning, but I had allergies, you know, tree pollen. And gosh, those cottonwood trees make me sneeze like crazy. They're pretty, right? But who wants to sneeze 20 times every hour? So, I did the cleaning in the summer and well, then I had to contend with the heat. I just feel like a slug once it gets in the 90s. But I had to clean cause I mean, if I didn't do the spring cleaning in the summer, I'd have to do it in the fall, but the fall is a time for decorating, and I can't do the cleaning and the decorating at the same time. It doesn't feel right. And speaking of feelings, yes, I was feeling like, you know, maybe I should start a diet. But then, I thought...." So, do you get the idea of how to do this response? Try it and trust me, they won't ask you personal things more than a couple of times. Good luck!
Best video on the topic of dealing with rude questions and comments, literally, the information is the most practical and clear, and down to earth ! Thank you, thank you !
I’ve been working on this for 9 years with my family. They started “getting it” around year 7 but they still test me ALL the time!! I have heard things like “I hate who you’ve become” and “I’d like to kill your therapist” It’s a dance. This woman’s advice is golden ❤
Some people can keep up a dig for years!!!! Doesn't that tell you what they're like as a person, to keep something going that long??? My landlady at work,loathes that I have my blinds down in my work room that I've rented from her for 20 years!!! Periodically she'll throw in " why don't you have your blinds up?" The first few times I explained why (I'm a dog groomer,and don't want the dogs I'm working on ,distracted by her walking past, staring in or tapping on the window,it's dangerous if I'm using sharp equipment) At the time I felt it was normal to explain, until.......I realised how much it irritated her that she didn't know whether I was in my room or not. So she continually asks. Now I say, I'm surprised you still ask after all these years!
Healing from à narc relàtionship is more abt grieving + saying goodbye to ur hopes, dreams + the massive effort u invested into the relationship, than its is abt missing the narc with all their tricks. Once u take a step back, u see they really have a limited repertoire + that u are the 1 with the strong + well rounded personality who can sustain ur boundaries
Ive always been the good girl. You know like Cinderlla was always so kind and took all that crap (Disney version) and because she was so kind and good she got a fairy godmother and a good man. I guess I thought something like that would happen for me. Not literally but I just thought if I was good and kind and helpful maybe my life would go okay. I ended up just getting used, stepped on, and unvalued. My childhood best friend slept with my husband when I was pregnant and I was 22 then. No one who had been closest to me cared about me at all. That was 15 years ago. Today I have no friends and no romance either. I just stay isolated.
I LOVE LOVE LOVE TERRI COLE is like best birthday present I get all the time I see her .God bless for this amazing,brilliant woman and of course Brilliant Lisa ❤ Thank you Ladies❤
She is so good! I put like from 1 min. I have very uncomfortable situation with my manager at work. She always provoke me and its so ambarassing. So now I know how to react! 👍 Thank you!
I'm autistic and sometimes ask a question because I have been told people like to talk about themselves and that you are supposed to ask questions. Cut and paste, cookie cutter communication based not on some magical intuition about social interactions that other people seem to have, but on what we think we are supposed to do to be a good friend. Wouldn't it be rude to not allow your friend to talk about their miscarriage? Some people desperately want to talk about things, but won't bring it up unless asked. What I do is say "I know you have had a hard time with the miscarriage, if you want to talk I am here, but don't feel you have to". I would not say this to some aquantence, or at a celebration or at work, but only someone really really close when already having a heart to heart conversation. Would that be appropriate, or is that also wrong? It is so hard to get things like this right. Autistic people do a lot of "narcissistic" things, but not out of power, more out of social clumsiness and doing what they think is best, but missing it sometimes. We often have less friends. (anyone who still thinks autistic people have no empathy, do your research, that's very outdated). So if your friend is autistic and asks an inapropriate question, just kindly say you would rather not talk about it, thanks for asking instead of making a fool of them. I think the intention behind why they asked matters a lot.
Opting out of turkey day. Not a care in the world. I took myself to a beautiful high class (modest budget) lunch yesterday in a pretty outfit and heels after a gym class. It was peaceful and uninterrupted
I can relate and it became so anxiety provoking that i said to them unless you can be kind and respectful I can't be around you. Then I literally wasn't around them for more than 2 years. It was lovely not seeing them.
This was pure gold, Thank you so much to the both of you for this, Speaks volumes, Great insight, I love your show Lisa, You're a treasure to humanity, I love your energy and compassion, A great woman, Who ozzzes self confidence and self respect, Like myself :-) I'm always routing for you Lisa, Peace, love and respect to you both and everyone, Thank you universe, All glory power praise and smiles to the most high :-) ;-) :-)
Narc mothers cannot be happy…once i showed her a magazine, i was on the cover of it, and she put it in the oldpaperbasket. The only person who was really happy/proud was my s.o. and my grandmother
We have all been programmed such self loathing that those who are still reeling in it and are not self aware will project their own inner misery in this way to try and bring those who are shinning brightly down to their level.
My father used to try to tell me about his "naughty" behavior with his girlfriend/neighbour/fwb. I'm his daughter and I seriously have NO INTEREST WHATSOEVER in hearing about his sexcapades!! No one else was ever present when he'd try telling me about it. My response was consistent, "I'm your daughter, That's inappropriate, I don't want to know, it's not my business".. I'd proceed to then walk away. I felt gross when he tried telling me about it!! Ew!! 🤢 This kept happening and I kept repeating myself. **The woman he tried to tell me about being "naughty" with is only 3 years older than me!!**. ew!! He tried to tell me about it again and I wasn't having it, I stood up, raised my voice and said, "WHAT YOU'RE TELLING ME IS EXTREMELY INAPPROPRIATE!! I'M NOT A CATHOLIC PRIEST THAT YOU NEED TO CONFESS YOUR 'SINS' TO! I TOLD YOU I DON'T WANT TO HEAR ABOUT YOU AND D**EEN! YOU'RE BEING DISRESPECTFUL TO ME!" His response to me was, 'Well you're being disrespectful by not listening to me!" Unf*ckingbelievable, right?? I lost touch with my father for quite awhile. Another time he texted me, "Who are you really?". I tried telling him via text, but he replied, "That's not an answer". (As if I needed to explain who I am to him in the first place! laughable. I questioned him as to why he asked me that. He got mad and said forget it. He's selfish, lacks empathy, inappropriate, looks at my butt and my boobs. I feel gross when he looks at me so I wear big baggy clothes and I'm skinny (I'm still his daughter!) The 'best' part was that his mother lived with us because my mum had a nervous breakdown (I think it's because of him) My father's mother was loveless. Take smiles and cold hugs at church on Sundays, but at least it was some form of 'love'. Super messed. He sided with his mother against my mum, her breakdown got worse. At age 10 is come home after school and take the knife she was going to exit herself with and return it to the kitchen. Daily repeat. My mum was depressed, so I'd act silly until I got a smile from her. She was in bed or in the bathroom smoking most of the time though. My mum passed away. God I miss her 💔. She loved and accepted me just as I am, even my flaws. There was no room for error with my father and his mother. His mother finally kicked it at age 105 if you can believe it. I know I seem cold, but she was nasty to the women in the family; the men could do no wrong. Thanks for letting me vent!! Phew!! That was a lot of stuff that needed out. Now I realize why my life is so messed up. It's my job to get healthy mentally now that I'm aware I'm not ok. Take care and be kind to the junkies and people who live on the street. They may have gone through an abuse you'd never imagine... I lived on the street. My dad kicked me out. He wanted to talk. I asked him if we could talk once he was sober. I was a child. I didn't ask in a disrespectful manner. Love, empathy, kindness and compassion is the answer to the problems of the world. 🌍 Thanks if you read all this.I love people and learning about their life experiences. ❤
The one thing you need to tell yourself is you are an adult now and you have choices to stay in contact with your father you might be his daughter but you are a person first who can make that choice to walk away from him and not have a ounce of guilt if your life is better calmer happier without him in it then you do that for yourself ❤
Tell whoever misses your ex , Well, I understand he's still available if you want him. One time my mom came to town to visit shortly after a breakup and he lived in the same apartment complex. While I was at work, she invited him to dinner. He called after I got home and wanted to know what time, and I said, Where are you, and he responded his ex-wife's house, and I said to him with my mom standing right there, Then have her make your dinner and hung up on him.😂
Hi Lisa my Mum is very unaccepting of the partner of my choice. I can understand a Mother wanting to protect their child. When that child is 57 years of age the dynamics of that parent/child relationship is changed. It feels as if the parent wants to be dominant over their child and it is no longer appropriate for that person says “ it’s him or me!”. Gee Mum I’m sorry you feel that way but this is inappropriate for you to say that to me.
Almost. I would answer "Hmmm, what happens in a morbid curiosity to ask people completely inappropriate question? Hmmm... There are meds for that now." "John is single. Go get him tiger."
The most brutal, intrusive questions I have experienced have usually come from women. Only women have demanded that I answer how old I am, why I'm not married, when am I going to marry so-and-so, why didn't we have kids, why did the IVF fail. Seriously, how could anyone ask why a person why IVF treatment failed. The level of entitlement and insensitivity is shocking.
Omg - the excusing yourself to the bathroom - 😂😂😂😂 - I was dealing with a mean girl in my friend group a few years ago - and she started getting upset with me for going to the bathroom. I had to be like - “you’re offended by me using the restroom?” Weird - what’s that all about?
Haha that’s crazy! If I had to guess it was based on her own issues and insecurities. Mon of that is an excuse but that may help you understand. If she’s insecure and isn’t comfortable being alone or in groups of people without you, then that would make sense on her actions. I always think about “if this was a movie and I had to write the character doing that, what would need to be true about them?” And so this is my conclusion. No clue if it’s accurate but it’s such a powerful technique!
![เป็นไปได้ไหม - WanMai [Performance Video]](http://i.ytimg.com/vi/Eh5hItD4Mr0/mqdefault.jpg)
WARNING: I will never ask for your contact info in the comments section, that is someone impersonating me!
Some of my favorite responses:
* I'm not comfortable sharing that.
* Recollections may vary about that.
* I'm so happy for you that that's your experience of them. My experience was different.
* That's a really invasive/intimate question. Is there a valid reason you think you need to know that? (this can be an escalation from 'I'm not comfortable sharing that' if they don't take the hint and keep pushing. You can even go as far as "That's something I would only share with people in my inner circle and we don't have that kind of relationship.".
If they say "They're the best thing/job that ever happened to you" Response: "Oh really?. Well, that makes me sad that you wouldn't want better for me than what I went through in that relationship/job, etc. Even if you don't I'm glad I have better standards for myself.".
Stop being polite with responses when people are invasive, judgmental, rude, and think they know you better than they do. Let them walk away telling people you were rude. Fuck them. If they are these kind of people why care about what they think.
Thank you fir this! I'm taking notes
Ditto.
Literally PERFECT responses…THANK YOU SO MUCH🌹✨!
These are effective.
Boundaries by Henry Cloud
An ex made a dismissive remark to me, I challenged it. He came back with I was joking, your too sensitive… I came back with ‘ I love my sensitivity, and I’m not changing, so if you don’t like the way I am you know where the door is, don’t let it hit you on the arse on the way out’ . Shortly after I kicked him out.
He's trying to gaslight you
I'd love to be so quick witted!
Good for you for giving him the boot!
This'll be useful when my mother inevitably says something insulting this weekend. Thank you ❤
Holy crap I wrote this BEFORE you got to narc mom's. TYSM FOR COVERING THIS 🙏🏽
Me n u both
Mine too girl
I wish I had a Terri Cole in my life in my 20s and 30s. I finally figured this out, but it was a painful journey. She is spot on about everything, esp the 'mother stuff!' The narcissistic mother never changes, ever. The hardest lesson of my life.
Gosh she is so brilliant! I like her comebacks , I just don't know if I'll remember them at at the time I'm being poked or insulted.
Take a deep breath and rehearse what inevitably always happens. 😮
@@cc1k435I do this for work situations . Just like rehearsing what I'm going to say at a performance review. It works!
Speaking as a man, I understand that woman have been severely mistreated by men, so no wonder it has come to this, but think guys, is this really how you want to be? Playing this power dynamics game, it’s completely exhausting. If someone asks you, “did you have a miscarriage?”, you can simply say, “that’s a very touchy subject for me, it’s not light conversation, and so I don’t want to discuss this”… and then move on. Maybe the person who asked is an asshole, in which case, you don’t want to talk too much to them, or perhaps they asked because his wife too had a miscarriage and he was looking for how to support her.
I see this same stuff on the guys side, both genders are trying to play this power dynamics game and it’s completely exhausting.
Thank you, I needed to see this video before the holidays. This will be my 2nd year not doing family holidays because I just can't handle the fakeness, manipulation, and guilt tripping that comes along with it. I was feeling a bit guilty about not going this year because we never know how much longer we have with our parents. I am 42, and they still treat me like a child, and because it was a very abusive childhood, I've learned to just put my head down and keep the peace. I am tired of doing that, so I decided a couple of years ago that I will use this time off to go on backpacking trips and other adventures. It makes me happy to do these things, but I can't help but feel guilty because they have embedded into my programming. Any and all advice is welcome, thanks for taking the time to read my comment.
Sounds to me like you are taking loving and good care of yourself! ❤ The only advice I'd give is to try your best to work on letting the guilt go ..it's important to take care of yourself.
If your caregivers (and maybe siblings) were and and are abusive and they have never said sorry and *consistently* made up for the abuse: *Stay away and never feel guilty!*
Also, you do not have to forgive anything. Plus: There are unforgiveable things like beating a baby, sexual abuse or heavy emotional abuse.
In case the abuse seems forgiveable to you plus everyone apologized from the depth of their hearts and is doing their best now: Then you can think to start better relationships with them - *if you want*
you have no obligation to your parents or your siblings. You do, however, have a responsibility to yourself to take care of and love yourself! Guilt and shame hold us down. The programming we receive as children is hard to break but we can break it. Be joyful. Re write your story and create your own traditions over the holidays. There is absolutely no shame in that. There's a new adventure waiting for you. Sending you love ❤️
I love that you're doing this ❤ adventures & choosing YOU! It's inspiring. Time spend should be fun and you've definitely chosen a healthy fun time. I hope your holidays are amazing, full of enjoyment and zero programmed guilt. I hope you challenge that feeling wherever it comes up, because there's no need to feel guilt when you're doing what's best for you. You aren't hurting anyone, you just choose not to entertain the fakeness ❤ be real 😊 stay true to you! Happy holidays ☺️
Good for you. I’m a lot older than you sixty eight to be exact and for the last nine years I have chosen to spend Christmas alone…..this is the first time in fifteen years I won’t have my little dog ( he died last month).
I will make a nice meal, light a log fire, open a bottle of champagne, there’s a couple of good books I’ve been saving to read, then curl up in front of the fire in my new silk pyjamas! As I write my plan I realise how safe, happy and contented my life is.
I love how you brought up the importance of standing up for yourself with dignity, especially in moments when we're confronted with intrusive or inappropriate comments. It's so empowering to realize that we don't have to accept those situations without a response. The tools and strategies shared in this episode, especially from Terri Cole, are game-changers for anyone wanting to establish healthy boundaries. Setting boundaries is a form of self-care, and this conversation is a great reminder that we all deserve respect and space to be ourselves. 🙌
Great video, A month ago, my five-year relationship came to an end. I really can't stop thinking about the love of my life, who made the decision to leave me. I've done everything in my power to win him back, but it's all in vain, and I can't imagine my life with anyone else. I genuinely miss him and just can't stop thinking about him, even though I've tried my hardest to stop thinking about him. I'm not sure why I'm saying this here.
It's hard to say goodbye to someone you love; I experienced this when my 12-year relationship ended. However, I couldn't just let him go; instead, I tried everything to win him back. Eventually, I turned to a spiritual counsellor for assistance, and he was able to help me win him back.
Interesting! How did you locate a spiritual counsellor, and how can I get in touch with him most effectively?
His name is Father Obah Eze, and he is a great spiritual counselor who can bring back your ex.
he is father obah eze, he has great powers, he can help you.
Thank you for this valuable information, i just looked him up now online. impressive
Wow I just looked Father Obah Eze on the net he’s very legit thanks once again ❤
“Really ? Really Aunt Betty? “😂love it!!!!
Lisa thank you for all of the wisdom that you bring to your channel!
My two favorite boundary bosses! 💕
It can be quick to learn and use, you just have to be comfortable, instead of guilty, for being assertive. Stand up for yourself! ☀️
Favorite frames : Flip the script “Why would you ask me that?” We are not talking about (my sensitivity) we are talking about why you are asking me that”. Brilliant strategy by Kasia Urbaniak.. do not let them provoke you.. do not give up information that might make you emotionally vulnerable.. finger up “No thanks!”.. be strategic .. “I’m not talking about this”. Distract, use humor .. put the attention back on them .
I learned to respond this way: “That’s an interesting question: why do you ask?” Hasn’t failed me yet. And, if you are being Adkins with others present, turn to them and ask in a dumbfounded manner, “Did you hear what she/he asked?”
Love thissssss
No contact 3 years w narc mom and covert narc father. So much peace!!!!
I’m so happy. Thanksgiving is so peaceful !
Yes I found a new mother who actually loves me.
I forgive them and pray for them but never want to see them again
You really are not alone in the problems you go through in life. I have found a new mother, and she is so warm, so welcoming. Every time (I feel like this is not normal) I mentally pinch myself when I am with her cause I have never had that in my life.
how brave of you and the best you can do !! : )
you do not have to forgive anything. there are things that i do not and will never forgive. and i'm fine.
@@KBArchery Heee hee👍
@@CeciledeLuireForgiveness is for yourself, not them. She did the right thing by forgiving them where she can emotionally release these people without any feeling anger/malice for them. When you don't forgive, you only harm yourself, that stuff builds up inside and cause sickness. If you don't want to forgive, don't worry, cancer or something WILL come after a long time holding on to bs.
@@empresstina876 that is simply not true. it is a fairy tale tale that one can find peace only when being forgiving. i am fine and calm, and still there is things that i do not and will not forgive.
Hey all.
I have tried the tactic of saying "I'm not discussing that" to have those people push and push in order to get my goat......being ADHD it is really difficult to de-escalate myself. Humor and trying to change the subject or trying to remove myself causes even more pushing from them. Trying to avoid ALL these people is not an option unfortunately.
I once had my X’s inlaw ask me “are you going to have another baby?” I was silent, but… then she said: “oh you probably are gonna quit while you’re ahead, right?!”
“ After three miscarriages we finally had one.
Meanwhile our beautiful son was 6 months old and she asked nada about the child who made it to this Earth!!
Why did you leave your husband?
Jeezus ! Some people
Thank you for your show! Your guests are amazing!!! This is something all people need to hear. I love the idea of practicing ahead how to protect yourself without responding aggressively or give in to their cruelty
Two of my favorite life guides in one room!
Great reminders. Thx !!
I started a new job and EVERY woman asked me if I’m married, do I have kids?????!!!! No kids, why not? Do you want them? Do t you like kids? Why aren’t you married? No boyfriend ? Why not? Even my age!!! It was so shocking.
I get it all the time and people have figured me out so they stop asking
😮😮😮😮 OMG...speechless...what is WRONG with people...why would you want to enter someone's privacy😮😢...ZEROOOO emotional intelligence...
Same!!!! At my interview I had all that,as she told me all the relationship and child info on every member of staff ,followed by the Manageress saying I need to know all this. I thought oh no you don't and I laughed it off and let the silence after tell her I wasn't giving up that info.
In interviews, these are illegal questions. Can point this out to the interviewer.
@@SherriFlemming 💯💯💯
Some people want to tear down my gifts and talents
They will still say “I’m asking because I care about you” 😐
Say "I don't want that kind of care."
If someone cares about you, they should ask such questions differently... Like, it's not hard to formulate it a bit kinder(!!!)
I would say, “that may be the case, but that is private information “.
In that case, you might want to try the "Long and Boring Response." If you do this a couple of times, they'll stop asking. So, if they ask when you're going to lose weight. You can say: "Well, I've given this a lot of thought. In fact, I first started thinking about it when I was cleaning my house last summer. I wanted to do some spring cleaning, but I had allergies, you know, tree pollen. And gosh, those cottonwood trees make me sneeze like crazy. They're pretty, right? But who wants to sneeze 20 times every hour? So, I did the cleaning in the summer and well, then I had to contend with the heat. I just feel like a slug once it gets in the 90s. But I had to clean cause I mean, if I didn't do the spring cleaning in the summer, I'd have to do it in the fall, but the fall is a time for decorating, and I can't do the cleaning and the decorating at the same time. It doesn't feel right. And speaking of feelings, yes, I was feeling like, you know, maybe I should start a diet. But then, I thought...." So, do you get the idea of how to do this response? Try it and trust me, they won't ask you personal things more than a couple of times. Good luck!
I'm using these techniques, and I would ask when they're trying to gaslight you, "why do you feel entitled to know that information?"
I am totally adding this to my rewatch-every-month list!! Sooo helpful 🙏
Thanks Terri! Always good advice.
Love your energy, Lisa! ❤
Best video on the topic of dealing with rude questions and comments, literally, the information is the most practical and clear, and down to earth ! Thank you, thank you !
The loo one works 😊.that's my go to line x
That's absolutely powerful, thanks for the inspiring wisdom Lisa
This lady has Much Wisdom. Cheers, Australia.
Beautiful then and now. A light emanating from you⭐️
I’ve been working on this for 9 years with my family.
They started “getting it” around year 7 but they still test me ALL the time!!
I have heard things like “I hate who you’ve become” and “I’d like to kill your therapist”
It’s a dance.
This woman’s advice is golden ❤
Some people can keep up a dig for years!!!! Doesn't that tell you what they're like as a person, to keep something going that long??? My landlady at work,loathes that I have my blinds down in my work room that I've rented from her for 20 years!!! Periodically she'll throw in " why don't you have your blinds up?" The first few times I explained why (I'm a dog groomer,and don't want the dogs I'm working on ,distracted by her walking past, staring in or tapping on the window,it's dangerous if I'm using sharp equipment) At the time I felt it was normal to explain, until.......I realised how much it irritated her that she didn't know whether I was in my room or not. So she continually asks. Now I say, I'm surprised you still ask after all these years!
Healing from à narc relàtionship is more abt grieving + saying goodbye to ur hopes, dreams + the massive effort u invested into the relationship, than its is abt missing the narc with all their tricks.
Once u take a step back, u see they really have a limited repertoire + that u are the 1 with the strong + well rounded personality who can sustain ur boundaries
ThankYou4Sharing Beautiful Ladies !!! 💛 🕊 ⚜ 🌻🕯MuchLove !!! Have a Beautiful Day!!!
I’m so strategic with the people I associate with that I have only two friends! It cuts out all the chaff!
I had to pause and get paper and pen... I am so provocable... 😂 I loved this episode.
Thank you. 🦋
Ive always been the good girl. You know like Cinderlla was always so kind and took all that crap (Disney version) and because she was so kind and good she got a fairy godmother and a good man. I guess I thought something like that would happen for me. Not literally but I just thought if I was good and kind and helpful maybe my life would go okay. I ended up just getting used, stepped on, and unvalued. My childhood best friend slept with my husband when I was pregnant and I was 22 then. No one who had been closest to me cared about me at all. That was 15 years ago. Today I have no friends and no romance either. I just stay isolated.
I am really sad you experienced that like me, during isolation though, one gets healing and strength, seek out help to grow new support systems.
Thank you, merci! Sooo interesting interview! I just need to hear this....helps to understand the mécanisme.....
So empowering! Thank you Lisa, thank you Terri! 💓
Oh gooooosh, I love Teri Coooole!!
I love a deep connection. At a party, i hate the shallow talk. I cannot make it feel easy or interesting without going deep. Ugh
I LOVE LOVE LOVE TERRI COLE is like best birthday present I get all the time I see her .God bless for this amazing,brilliant woman and of course Brilliant Lisa ❤
Thank you Ladies❤
She is so good! I put like from 1 min. I have very uncomfortable situation with my manager at work. She always provoke me and its so ambarassing. So now I know how to react! 👍 Thank you!
Wow, this worked for me.
I'm autistic and sometimes ask a question because I have been told people like to talk about themselves and that you are supposed to ask questions. Cut and paste, cookie cutter communication based not on some magical intuition about social interactions that other people seem to have, but on what we think we are supposed to do to be a good friend. Wouldn't it be rude to not allow your friend to talk about their miscarriage? Some people desperately want to talk about things, but won't bring it up unless asked. What I do is say "I know you have had a hard time with the miscarriage, if you want to talk I am here, but don't feel you have to". I would not say this to some aquantence, or at a celebration or at work, but only someone really really close when already having a heart to heart conversation. Would that be appropriate, or is that also wrong? It is so hard to get things like this right. Autistic people do a lot of "narcissistic" things, but not out of power, more out of social clumsiness and doing what they think is best, but missing it sometimes. We often have less friends. (anyone who still thinks autistic people have no empathy, do your research, that's very outdated). So if your friend is autistic and asks an inapropriate question, just kindly say you would rather not talk about it, thanks for asking instead of making a fool of them. I think the intention behind why they asked matters a lot.
I agree 100%.
I just tell people to be quiet. I will NOT try to be funny or "cute".
How about let’s also normalize not going to these get together as that are painful and to see ppl we interact with once a year
You really don't have to go . Why would you put your hand on a hot burner when you know you will get burned.
Opting out of turkey day. Not a care in the world. I took myself to a beautiful high class (modest budget) lunch yesterday in a pretty outfit and heels after a gym class. It was peaceful and uninterrupted
I have been walking on eggshells for years
I can relate and it became so anxiety provoking that i said to them unless you can be kind and respectful I can't be around you. Then I literally wasn't around them for more than 2 years. It was lovely not seeing them.
This was pure gold, Thank you so much to the both of you for this, Speaks volumes, Great insight, I love your show Lisa, You're a treasure to humanity, I love your energy and compassion, A great woman, Who ozzzes self confidence and self respect, Like myself :-) I'm always routing for you Lisa, Peace, love and respect to you both and everyone, Thank you universe, All glory power praise and smiles to the most high :-) ;-) :-)
Some people used to cross my boundaries
I have been trying to clean up and get my act together it isn't always smooth sailing
Hee hee❤. Nancy
Kline's Incisive Questions are great too
Just tell them, "you have a booger in your nose." Or, "you have something stuck in your tooth."
Don't waste your energy, arm yourself with discernment and don't be so damned desperate for love externally. Love yourself first, man!
😂lol
Right! Or ask them if they want a breath mint.
for all book enjoyers like myself, reading the ebook 'Magnetic Aura' is a must
Why is this all over the place and you have a new account ? Scam bot perhaps?
Thats on a need to know basis, and you dont need to know. For nosy people.
Narc mothers cannot be happy…once i showed her a magazine, i was on the cover of it, and she put it in the oldpaperbasket. The only person who was really happy/proud was my s.o. and my grandmother
I'm scared of this world is full of uncertainties
We have all been programmed such self loathing that those who are still reeling in it and are not self aware will project their own inner misery in this way to try and bring those who are shinning brightly down to their level.
I wasn't living right years ago l didn't know what to do now am living in a clean apartment complex
I need better boundaries
My father used to try to tell me about his "naughty" behavior with his girlfriend/neighbour/fwb.
I'm his daughter and I seriously have NO INTEREST WHATSOEVER in hearing about his sexcapades!!
No one else was ever present when he'd try telling me about it.
My response was consistent, "I'm your daughter, That's inappropriate, I don't want to know, it's not my business".. I'd proceed to then walk away. I felt gross when he tried telling me about it!! Ew!! 🤢
This kept happening and I kept repeating myself.
**The woman he tried to tell me about being "naughty" with is only 3 years older than me!!**. ew!!
He tried to tell me about it again and I wasn't having it, I stood up, raised my voice and said, "WHAT YOU'RE TELLING ME IS EXTREMELY INAPPROPRIATE!! I'M NOT A CATHOLIC PRIEST THAT YOU NEED TO CONFESS YOUR 'SINS' TO! I TOLD YOU I DON'T WANT TO HEAR ABOUT YOU AND D**EEN! YOU'RE BEING DISRESPECTFUL TO ME!"
His response to me was, 'Well you're being disrespectful by not listening to me!"
Unf*ckingbelievable, right??
I lost touch with my father for quite awhile.
Another time he texted me, "Who are you really?". I tried telling him via text, but he replied, "That's not an answer". (As if I needed to explain who I am to him in the first place! laughable.
I questioned him as to why he asked me that. He got mad and said forget it.
He's selfish, lacks empathy, inappropriate, looks at my butt and my boobs. I feel gross when he looks at me so I wear big baggy clothes and I'm skinny (I'm still his daughter!)
The 'best' part was that his mother lived with us because my mum had a nervous breakdown (I think it's because of him)
My father's mother was loveless. Take smiles and cold hugs at church on Sundays, but at least it was some form of 'love'.
Super messed. He sided with his mother against my mum, her breakdown got worse. At age 10 is come home after school and take the knife she was going to exit herself with and return it to the kitchen. Daily repeat. My mum was depressed, so I'd act silly until I got a smile from her. She was in bed or in the bathroom smoking most of the time though.
My mum passed away. God I miss her 💔. She loved and accepted me just as I am, even my flaws. There was no room for error with my father and his mother. His mother finally kicked it at age 105 if you can believe it.
I know I seem cold, but she was nasty to the women in the family; the men could do no wrong.
Thanks for letting me vent!! Phew!! That was a lot of stuff that needed out.
Now I realize why my life is so messed up. It's my job to get healthy mentally now that I'm aware I'm not ok.
Take care and be kind to the junkies and people who live on the street. They may have gone through an abuse you'd never imagine...
I lived on the street. My dad kicked me out. He wanted to talk. I asked him if we could talk once he was sober. I was a child. I didn't ask in a disrespectful manner.
Love, empathy, kindness and compassion is the answer to the problems of the world. 🌍
Thanks if you read all this.I love people and learning about their life experiences. ❤
Thank you for sharing! Happy Thanksgiving! Be Blessed!!
When he told you about his sexcapades, he was "testing waters", waiting to see how you'd react and maybe trying getting it on with you.
The one thing you need to tell yourself is you are an adult now and you have choices to stay in contact with your father you might be his daughter but you are a person first who can make that choice to walk away from him and not have a ounce of guilt if your life is better calmer happier without him in it then you do that for yourself ❤
@@nikolavojnovic6552 i got this vibe too.
Couldn't agree more@@nikolavojnovic6552
I stopped going to family gathering and to the church where my Uncles church is because every one is so noisy lol .
Same 😂
At first glance the fluffy cushion behind your guest looks like an angel wing 🪽 ❤
Tell whoever misses your ex , Well, I understand he's still available if you want him. One time my mom came to town to visit shortly after a breakup and he lived in the same apartment complex. While I was at work, she invited him to dinner. He called after I got home and wanted to know what time, and I said, Where are you, and he responded his ex-wife's house, and I said to him with my mom standing right there, Then have her make your dinner and hung up on him.😂
Priceless!
Hi Lisa my Mum is very unaccepting of the partner of my choice. I can understand a Mother wanting to protect their child. When that child is 57 years of age the dynamics of that parent/child relationship is changed. It feels as if the parent wants to be dominant over their child and it is no longer appropriate for that person says “ it’s him or me!”. Gee Mum I’m sorry you feel that way but this is inappropriate for you to say that to me.
I I love this
I have been working with Carolina outreach
Almost. I would answer "Hmmm, what happens in a morbid curiosity to ask people completely inappropriate question? Hmmm... There are meds for that now."
"John is single. Go get him tiger."
Meh that first one is confrontational and looking for a back and forth. That isn't this.
This is so easy for us Italians, we are all so sarcastic that people don't dare! 🤣
👏👏👏
Significant
I really would like to show up with an open heart
I got bags under my eyes
Thanks for the christmas dinner's shield 😂😂😂
She knows those NYorkers😂
I did all of these and they fired me from the academic career I had for years.
Wish you gave a little background bio of your guest in the show notes so we know who they are and how they are qualified.
My sister takes care of me now Kim
awesome
The most brutal, intrusive questions I have experienced have usually come from women. Only women have demanded that I answer how old I am, why I'm not married, when am I going to marry so-and-so, why didn't we have kids, why did the IVF fail. Seriously, how could anyone ask why a person why IVF treatment failed. The level of entitlement and insensitivity is shocking.
Just say I’m not going there and change the subject
Interesting
I have been educationing myself it's very very very hard
I have a lot of surgeries on my teeth and fibroids surgery
3:07 "i am feeling pretty good now that John is good."
"Not in New York because you never know who's got a gun."
A lot of remarks hay been said about me
I feel like l have been pushing around
Omg - the excusing yourself to the bathroom - 😂😂😂😂 - I was dealing with a mean girl in my friend group a few years ago - and she started getting upset with me for going to the bathroom.
I had to be like - “you’re offended by me using the restroom?”
Weird - what’s that all about?
Haha that’s crazy! If I had to guess it was based on her own issues and insecurities. Mon of that is an excuse but that may help you understand. If she’s insecure and isn’t comfortable being alone or in groups of people without you, then that would make sense on her actions. I always think about “if this was a movie and I had to write the character doing that, what would need to be true about them?” And so this is my conclusion. No clue if it’s accurate but it’s such a powerful technique!
I'm worried about if am going to have back surgery
good
I'm not around my homies anymore
Neither am I. Toxic af
I stopped going to these events.
Why?
Why do I need to do this 2 times a year?
Nope.
Some people hate my guts
Good, stood your ground
A backbone
I'm not getting my dentures until after Christmas
Raleigh NC Washington terrace
I got a deep seated wound