I don't understand the haters coming on. You are literally walking parents through the process of seeing the situation clearly, then taking ownership of their role and moving forward with new wisdom and grace. Isn't that what we want both sides of the situation to do? You are asking parents to take what Accountability belongs to them. The child also needs to do this, it's a two way street.
I think most of the points you lay out are great. I feel like it’s ok to be hurt, it’s ok to be angry, it’s ok to feel disappointment though. You mention that the cold hard truth is that your child doesn’t care or at least doesn’t care enough to maintain contact. Obviously none of us know the ways your relationship has evolved with your daughter and what was said, but saying that statement as a generalization is simply untrue. The nuances of the other parties’ ways and reasons for distancing themselves are vast and saying something like that puts an automatic assumption and judgement on the other party, which is why it is a dangerous thing to state as a general advice for estranged parent audiences. Instead I think it would be more useful, if your ultimate goal is providing advice in order to become closer in a child/ parent relationship, to omit this. If your ultimate goal is to help estranged parents feel better and overcome the negative emotions with estrangement, I still think that this statement is ultimately not valuable. Babyboomers ( although you are younger then this I believe!) are the generation post war. In times of war, crisis, one has no room for emotional reflection because the brain needs to focus on primordial dangers. And our society wasn’t developed in terms of self reflection. The younger generations have had more opportunity for emotional and ego reflection, something which other generations have had little practice in. Every year we live is another year in which we cement ourselves more into our beliefs and patterns which is a gift and a curse. It means though that it is doubly hard to really open up the neatly filed cabinets in our brains to explore the pain and traumas of our past and how it has affected our reaction patterns in the present. Something that perhaps your daughter has had more opportunity to do. Again, none of us know the specifics but a break in contact from her likely means that something about your guys’ dynamic hurts. And that either she hasn’t been able to be heard or feel heard. Really listening and hearing someone requires opening our own locked cabinets and is very difficult. It is very clear that you care deeply about having lost contact with your daughter. And that hopefully a large part of your posting TH-cam videos (in a public setting) about this is your way of calling out and trying to make sense of your pain and perhaps a way of trying to get back in touch with her one way or another. I really wish you the very best in your grief processing and your willingness to explore the inner you and patterns that are there. We are all on the journey of life and as long as we are open to examining our own traumatized brain messes and being open to talking to the people we really want to keep in our lives, as well as validating their emotions, these relationships will ultimately straighten out. Again I can’t speak for your daughter’s willingness to do that but if you truly want to maintain this relationship the big onus should be on you navigating the above. I really really wish you the best; but please avoid making the statement I allude to in a motivational/ help tutorial as the most positive outcome is further resentment and anger. And also genuinely not making assumptions, but if you feel anger as a first emotion to my above comments it really is an indication that there are some negative patterns. No worries, but just another flag that unfortunately the path to reconnecting with your daughter might require some deep inner work that is intensely uncomfortable but likely necessary to regain a door in the relationship if that is what you ultimately seek. And don’t underestimate the toughness of that and the impact that your SO can have on your beliefs and patterns as well.
* foot [in the door]. Also if you feel like doing some deep work is the reflection of your TH-cam videos ( again now I am making an assumption which may be entirely unfounded), I would hope that you would realize that stepping outside the bounds of TH-cam, you can see is not accurate. You delve into some of the literature on child/ parent estrangement which deserves and applause because you are spending the time and energy to explore the topic! But again if the only exploration would be that within the contents of your video, and again you yourself want to respire this relationship then based off the videos it seems like you are not really accessing the backs of those file cabinets. Reason being that the videos, next to tips, are about what your daughter did and how it impacted your emotionally. Again, don’t know what’s going on outside TH-cam but it would be useful to say things like ‘hey I know we aren’t contacting much and it really hurts. I value our relationship immensely and am so proud of the person you are. I have been making TH-cam videos because I am trying to deal with the pain of our rocky relationship but I’m not sure how that makes you feel. All of this is still new to me, and because of this I might not always be able to react in a way that is most supportive to us renewing our trust and relationship. I really want to improve our relationship- can you let me know what you need from me in order to make the first steps? If you feel more comfortable we can perhaps talk with a neutral person like a therapist, if that would make you more comfortable. I really love you and even though I might not always get it right, you mean the world to me and I want to try and understand you better and hopefully improve our relationship’. And sending ‘ I love you cutie or whatever doesn’t help as it comes across as superficial ( oh yes mom has done her ‘duty’) and the first step needs to be that emotional validation and willingness to be vulnerable. I really just want to help you out!
And lastly sorry for the bad autocorrect. But the other things you mentioned are great. It is very difficult to not have the estrangement on your brain all the time because it is grief. And in it, it is important to try to set some time for this and outside of that think, what is it that makes me happy, what do I need, and spend time doing those things. Because if you don’t you will stay focused on this, not give yourself the opportunity to make yourself happy, and ultimately resent her even more which is no bueno and the opposite of where you want to be, right?
@@rattyfinklestein4764 haha impossible. Once you get through the topic in this video…you are impenetrable to normal nonsense. Have a great night love!!!
I don’t think many older people truly understand how permanent the internet is. These videos will be up *forever*. Huge channels are showing them to millions of people just to make fun of you. At some point you will be absolutely mortified by all of this, and there will be no way to make it go away. I’m not even including my own opinion on how embarrassing this is for you, just letting you know what you’re setting yourself up for.
Can you maybe in a next video touch on generational trauma? I’m interested in the patterns in your family that eventually pushed your daughter away. The way you described her in a previous video she is a loving, considerate, empathetic and sensitive person. Not someone who would ‘dump’ her parents just like that. She must have been hurting a lot for eventually making this difficult decision. I’m curious what her pain is about and if you recognize any of this in the relationship you had with your parents. What pain did you experience when you were growing up? Maybe this can also help estranged parents in understanding the generational issues in their own family’s. Thank you!
I hope you make an effort to have empathy and respect for your daughter someday. I think you will find that experience to be very rewarding, regardless of whether or not you reconcile. I think seeing the world through her eyes even for a tiny moment...truly seeing it without writing it off or dismissing what she sees and feels...would change everything for you. I hope you do.
@@estrangedparents Because approximately a month ago, a viewer asked you if you could go back in time, knowing all you know now, what would you do differently with your relationship with your daughter? Your answer was that you think homeschooling and no college would have helped. You believe that cutting her off from the outside world and from experiences and knowledge of the outside world would be your first idea of how to make it better. Do I even need to explain why that perspective is not possibly coexistent with an empathetic perspective of your daughter's experience, feelings, and point of view? I'm not making an assumption here. The facts are splattered all over the internet in black and white.
You are reading more into a random comment than was intended. I wondered aloud if that would have helped, but no one really knows. In your comment, you tell me what I believe. How is it possible that you know what I believe? Are you in my head? Can you read my mind? Have we ever had a conversation? Do you really think that opinions "splattered all over the internet in black and white" are "facts?"
@@estrangedparents I think because it seems like in some of these videos that you express a lot of contempt for your daughter. As if she couldn't possibly come to an independent conclusion herself, that she must be brainwashed by her therapists, rather than that she has a legitimate grievance. Not seeing her point of view we can't really see either way who is right, but I believe you love her and I hope you can eventually work it out.
I feel certain she has attempted all kinds of reflection , empathy and reconciliation with her child. Most of us are way past that stage and the reconciliation didn't happen ( yet). So learning to cope with AND RESPECT the adult child's stance is where the work is now done here. Letting go. Learning to live again. Some " children" do not want a relationship . Period. So at some point a parent has to learn to live.
None of your prompted questions where about what you could’ve done differently, what ways did I respond to my unmet expectations that could’ve been hurtful. The impartial observer bit and visualization could’ve been a really great peice. I really don’t think your crazy/insane as other people jump to, your just an average mom trying to figure this out. But you have GOT to start thinking about what YOU could’ve done that was purely YOUR FAULT. Your video is full of great great tips- but you are sticking to the victim mentality throughout it. This is not true self reflection. You’ve done amazing work and your side of all this is valid and should be heard. “They don’t care enough to maintain contact” they don’t care about me. That’s not reflective of the dynamic thats result was a contribution of more than one person. you are still placing blame and judgment, this is where all of your credibility dies. It is still obvious to those who are not seeking confirmation bias that you still think you are without sin. At the end of the day… it’s this darn generation. This is really really sad. I was really optimistic about this video title but you are leaving out the whole point of reflection. What you are radically accepting is that “it’s them, not me”. Accepting that the relationship is done is GOOD. Don’t get me wrong. This is growth and self love. But your not loving yourself or others by refusing to guide this vulnerable population who are looking for answers in you towards self reflection. If this channel isn’t for people who where actually “bad” parents.. where is your line for that? Even god has us self reflect. Without communication, like in a video 7 months ago I’m quoting, you can still work through what you’ve done wrong without family therapy or communication with your child. That was a lie. I have hope for you and I really hope you can be what both you and your daughter needs in the future.
She does lots on reflection and responsibility in the earlier stages of being dumped by an adult child. At this stage, she is talking about stabilizing and completing the recovery process and putting the adult child behind you, which is necessary for healing. They don't want you. Facing dependency on the adult child is critical for detachment and a long, happy, and wonderful life when they go no contact.
@@Bekind7868 Everyone situation is different. If the parent can’t see what they did, it will never be resolved. I’m still heartbroken but there’s nothing I can do. It’s too painful to even talk to her, that’s why most adult kids go no contact. Which I don’t think most parents understand.
What's the point of doing something differently if the other person doesn't give a chance??? Just one fine morning they decide not to talk, block in every way of communication???? Theory and reality are two different things. In theory people get multiple chances to correct themselves. In reality you can only get chances if the other person allows you that opportunity. P. S. I am not estranged neither I plan onto estrange my parents or as a matter of fact anyone. But I did had some similar experiences.
The pain never leaves, however much I try. I seek solace in hoping and praying. How can a mother let go of her child. This is the only relationship that does not work like that. I pray that God gives parents of estranged children strength to bear their trial.
You spoke truth. When someone acts like they don't care, believe them. They chose to walk away honor that. As someone said to me, sometimes we need to give people exactly what they want. If someone truly loves you they would NEVER abandon you. We can't make someone love us.
@@southernbelle1269 my pastor says that hate isn’t the opposite of love. Indifference is the opposite of love. I feel this is where our daughter is at. She lived less than 5 min away and refuses to communicate.
Yes. I believe this they don't care. I even told her she said that's not true. What she did, she changed her phone number. 😅 😂 It is what it is... I know it's all about her husband now because he doesn't like me. I'm sure it's because he came from a divorce, parents, and he is still hurt from it, including his older sister. 😢 What I want to really say is I have mood swings. First, I feel heartbroken 💔 in some days or I'm okay with it. I have to realize she is never coming back. Thank you Diane ❤ your videos really helps me not my therapist.
I am a Catholic and have five children. One of mine has been completely estranged for 3 years. In one of your videos, you explain the history behind the confusion, especially the modern trend of going no contact where they have their own language or terminology and psychological diagnosis of the accused parent, it always brings me back to Luke 12:53 "The father shall be divided against the son, and the son against his father, the mother against the daughter, and the daughter against the mother, the mother in law against her daughter in law, and the daughter in law against her mother in law."
Exactly. It's getting worse because we're in the last days. The devil is creating mayhem😢. It's spiritual .non Christians don't understand. I pray for everyone here they will come to know God and His Peace.Go to church and get prayer people.
I come from a religious family, one of five kids. I was always different from them, which I now understand is because of my ADHD. I was never fully accepted. When I moved away for college and had trouble managing communication with my mom and course work, she just lost interest in me. She said we would only talk if I called her, not that she ever called me. I guess I ultimately estranged myself from them, but it was too painful to do anything else
That could be the problem causing the estrangement--your religion. I feel it does not allow for the growth of human love. That quote allows you to accept your shortcomings. You were probably not an emotionally available mother.
@@seacatMEOW Read the Holy Bible aka The Word of God. There’s wisdom that you are missing. There’s no time to waste..time is short. God Is Love…..seek Him.
So grateful for you and your helpful information. I can barely make it into three minutes of your videos without the requisite flush of chest/heart pain followed by crying. When a child leaves you for no apparent reason it feels like nothing could be more painful, devastating.
Thank you so much for doing this series for us parents of estrangement. It is so important to know we have a network of people with advice & things to help us. It’s becoming more & more increasingly common for the adult children to ghost their parents & I think this can be beneficial for parents who still have the children in the home to know what can happen & be better prepared for when it does because so many of us have been blindsided by this by our children & so the more we talk about it & share with others it will be resourceful for generations to come.
I would be very interested in you having a public recorded conversation with Patrick Teahan. A debate if you will, both of you have interesting Blindspots that are quite apparent to me. If you’re unaware of him, he’s a TH-cam personality with a reasonably large following. my view is that you both have both interesting things to say and helpful things to say, but startling blind spots. I’m trying to figure out why those blindspots exist. perhaps the debate could clarify that for me. Please consider it thanks.
What blind spots? I’m very familiar with this man, therapist, victim. I now watch from both sides. I’m an estranged mother, and a scapegoat. My “ estrangement “ from my mother began in the 70s. By simply making her life miserable. I became the monster that she invented. And the tragedy here is that I’m able now at the age of 70 to step back … and see her pain and fear. I wish I could talk to my mom now. See, I made a promise to my future child (I only have one) that she would never know the life that I knew. And she didn’t! I broke such a long vicious cycle of abuse. But I have said the wrong things and done everything within my power to heal our relationship but she hates me and everything that this therapist talks about is extremely prejudice. Ways that we really care and have always shown it. The same ways that all people in society show care about their family. Especially their children. And I read through the comments and I have found so many that my daughter is quoting verbatim. And it’s scary. I find myself thinking, do these people forgive anyone? It’s like they feed off of each other’s anger. I’ve thought about leaving my perspectives on his channel but we all know what happens if a narcissistic, toxic, selfish, manipulative, mother does such a thing. I don’t agree with the women who are monetizing their situations either. Classes, support groups. I see blind spots too. But Patrick Teahan , I think he still needs therapy. From a different perspective with a different therapist. Me thinks “ estrangement “ is a hot money maker right now!
@@connieschwarz6023 I would just like to point out that not everyone who thinks it's fair to cut off someone who minimizes your experiences and gaslights you and refuses to stop has cut off their own parents. My parents didn't do that to me. They are far from perfect, same as me. We have fought. But our relationship with each other is loving and supportive. It's not like that for everyone. Not every parent-child estrangement is the parent's fault, either. Most of them are, owing mostly to the power dynamic in childhood. But children can estrange parents when they join a cult, when they're addicted to drugs, when they're in an abusive romantic relationship and the abusive partner wants them to be alienated, etc. There are definitely cases where it is not a parent's fault. But I have a hard time believing you can see the whole picture if you don't see the holes in Diane's story or your own, the holes that are formed where the compassion, empathy, and understanding for your own child should be. All we hear from Diane is about how she feels and how she didn't want to apologize or take responsibility for what she had done, so she just forgave herself instead. In a healthy relationship, that isn't lacking. People rarely apologize as a first initial reaction. Sometimes it takes periods of time for people to understand each other. But healthy relationships move in that direction and all people involved make an effort to step outside of their comfort zone and learn a little more about how their loved ones feel and see the world. If we asked Diane's daughter to write an essay about how her mom and dad each feel about everything that has happened, I'm confident she would succeed in doing this. She could be a ghost writer for them. Diane and her husband could not do the same in reverse. They could not write about the events that had transpired from her point of view without it turning into satire and disdainful sarcasm. I know this because of how Diane summarized her daughter's concerns. She regarded them with contempt. Contempt is to relationships as a severed Achilles heel is to a marathon. I have actually seen parents comment here and elsewhere and understand where their children are actually coming from, or show an effort to understand and that their understanding is increasing. I'm rooting for them. I am. When estranged family members don't put forth that effort and empathy, it shows exactly why the situation worked out that way. And when it's like that, no one makes it out unscathed. It's so freaking painful for absolutely everyone involved. It's heartbreaking. I wish people knew not to live life that way. There is no winning in refusing to budge. Refusing to budge means getting left behind.
I know you are probably not a religious person and I don’t know if you believe in God or not. But one of the most powerful things you can do for your daughter in this time of separation is pray for her everyday. Pray that God gently brings her back to the truth of who she really is. A child of God. Have faith that one day he will reconcile this estrangement and bring your little girl back to you.
My only child, a daughter rejected me at different periods throughout her years. It was parent alienation since she was very young. I stayed until she became 18 due to fear of losing her to her narcissistic paternal grandparents in another country. Five years ago she cut contact with me again due to a disagreement. I always maintain a decent communication with her father. That is how I can get updates how she is doing. She is doing great in her career. She likes what she does. Each morning I pray 🙏🏻 with all my heart and mind to God, Jesus Christ, Saints Mary, Joseph and Raphael. I ask God to guide and protect my daughter. I pray for her father and his mother too. When I feel empty. I begin to pray 🙏🏻 and pray 🙏🏻 When I saw a young woman looked like my daughter, my heart skipped a beat. I sometimes cried silently alone. I let her go but I will wait for my daughter til my last breath. I believe in prayers all my life. I have faith and trust in God. I know that God listen to me at each prayer. I have desire to live my life in my senior years. God Bless all of us and our children. 🙏🏻💕⚘️🐦🇺🇸
I agree with you. If I didn't have the Lord right now to lean on I would be totally lost. I'm so hurt and also mad but I am deciding to pray for my daughter and pray we can be reconciled some day. I'm not expecting a reconciliation. I am trying to not hate her right now, she has really hurt me though terribly. I was a great parent to her so I have no guilt that I did anything wrong at all. She is a messed up person. But with God in my life I can survive and hopefully thrive too! Thanks! God bless you.
@@lmccauley7319I am not sure if you meant you are expecting a reconciliation as opposed to not expecting. You should pray believing that this will come to pass. Please read the story of the prodigal son in Luke 15:11-32. May the Lord give you peace and bring her back safely. Blessings to you.
I think sometimes mother and daughter are so deeply attached, that the only way to become detached is to rip away. What I mean by that is... sometimes it can be so painful for the child to leave the mother, that it has to be done in a way that the child can hate the mother, so it is easier for the child to leave. Perhaps it was too difficult to leave while still in love with the mother...
@EvilFleesBeforeMe I thought your thought also. Now that you have posted your thought I know my thought is not so crazy. By posting this you are helping people. Thank you for your post, thinking, thoughts.
Agree, forgiveness is key. Sometimes I have to remind myself that as an act of my will, I choose to forgive whenever the memories resurface. Releasing and letting go is freeing. It doesn’t take the pain completely away but it does, however, allow me to move forward.
@@ItCameFromTheSkyBeLofear of god isn’t always traditional fear it has more of a historical cultural context. More like awe of his power. I’ve thought about this a lot as a Quaker
@user-dr1td6nd5f I don't live in fear. Fearing a god comes across to me as a response to a problem, for which you want an easy out. Instead of actually solving the problem, you just leave it up to a big guy in the sky, since you're too weak to solve the problem, let him solve it.
This topic was discussed in another forum. I couldn't believe the nasty, judgmental and opionated comments that it has to be the parent who caused the estrangement. I usually ignore rude and nasty comments but this time I had to respond. The comments don't upset me however, others may be hurt by them. Do you get a lot of pushback?
People think no contact is always the parents fault but never the other way around. Sadly parents are always blamed without someone knowing all the facts. People have said negative things to me but they aren't going to shut me down.
Thank you for sharing with others. This information is so helpful. Its hard to between generation where our parents demanded and received honor, care and respect and the generation of our children who also demand honor, care and respect while giving none.
It's so hard cuz often your child reminds you of someone you don't want to be with anymore and yet if you're married you can say things like you remind me of your father etcetera and people laugh
So great, Diane. Ty. Your experience has led you to help others through their personal suffering and grief, reflection, and road towards healing. The most empathetic teachers are those who have gone through similar pains, done the deep reflection, and have come out the other side. It goes without saying that any child who has gone through abuse, or neglect, is not who you are talking to, nor a parent who intentionally damaged their child. They know who they are. You make so many excellent points. The one that stands out for me is allowing your ADULT child to accept their responsibility for their part they currently play. Not "caring enough" to communicate, resolve and forgive (if possible). It does take two to tango. Not trying to be snarky. Take care.
Another point I would like to make and I'm not sure if you are religious in any way... I have researched the writings of the Doctors of the Church, especially St Augustine, before he became a true Catholic, subjected his own mother, Saint Monica to such terrible grief for over 17 years. If you haven't read her life, I would definitely suggest that you do. The heartache she endured may seem familiar to your own. I find hope in reading the life of Saint Monica. Anyway, in my research I found a more concise explanation of the Ten Commandments, especially the Fourth Commandment, "thou shalt honor thy father and mother." It explains exactly what this commandment means, especially in the context of estrangement... Side note: The Fourth Commandment does not expire when a child turns 18. 1. Have I deliberately given in to hatred of my mother or my father, refusing to speak to them over a considerable period of time? 2. Have I deliberately wished serious harm to my parents, e.g., that they would die so that I might possess their goods? 3. Have I habitually treated my parents harshly, speaking contemptuously to them or of them, ridiculing them, cursing them, causing them severe pain and sorrow? 4. Have I refused to relieve the serious needs of my parents when I was able to do so, leaving them dependent on strangers for necessary food, clothing, or without medical care in sickness and danger of death?
This is good information I just feel like it's a LOT in one video, it's a lot at once you're throwing out here. Probably would have been better broken down into at least two videos. But I appreciate you. And it is good advice. Thanks.
Thank you for your video and for sharing. It's an old story for parent/adult child estrangement. External forces such as religion and politics is to blame. Throughout history religions and political forces have through indoctrination and "re-education" turned child against the parent. Look at North Korea, Chinese Cultural Revolution, any socialist regime, and so many so called religions, have all done the same. Even today in the United States, so called politics is turning children away from their parents with Democrats hating Republicans. The rhetoric from the "left" is constant and these people who claim to be tolerant and loving are the exact opposite. If one disagrees with them, they hate. If your daughter "hates" you it might be from these political differences. Maybe? I could be wrong but you seem like a conservative person and voting Republican. Well if this is true, then be aware that Republicans are being pictured as gun loving Na zis (German National Socialist) and one just has to look at the violence against POTUS 45 because the so called media has made the equivalence to him being a Hi tl er. Hence the violence against him. I have seen adult children hate their parents for politics. All I can say is that when the Adult child gets older, they are more than likely to become more Conservative and finally change their thinking. Until then, have a fun time, ignore the adult who won't talk to you and cut them from your Will. It's a great feeling to just let it go and not give a care.
Being trauma informed with a desire to heal intergenerational trauma is not political. I am in therapy for the harm I caused my child and the harm my parents caused me. There is no political agenda being pushed on me, not even covertly. One can be right wing or left wing and want to heal intergenerational trauma. It is actually a highly Christian concept, Jesus is all about this. If one's child has different political or religious views than you it is best to not discuss it. If they choose to share their beliefs, be respectful. If they are not respectful they most likely have anger towards you for pushing your beliefs on them in childhood and this needs to be reconciled via trauma informed discussion and apology - family therapy would be best. Our children are really a product of our parenting. Yes, society influences them but we set up their inner foundation. A strong inner foundation (strong self-worth, being respected as an individual) guides an adult child to not be so influenced by the outside world. Parents should be sharing their beliefs to children without force while growing up, and if the adult child chooses to have different beliefs, the parent needs to respect this and not ridicule them and call it "crap." Maybe actually take an unbiased look into their ultra liberal/progressive beliefs? One won't agree with everything, but one will find common ground there, trust me. Parents are being influenced by the media and society to demonize and mock their child's generation's dominant political beliefs. It goes both ways. Society influences all of us unless we go live in a cave. This is why it is important to learn the art of healthy, safe communication which our generation and the one's before us are very much lacking. Each generation brings something new to the table. Humanity is always evolving and progressing in an attempt to improve itself. The younger generations are very much interested in becoming self-aware and healing intergenerational trauma. Instead of feeling threatened by this maybe look into it with curiosity? It is near impossible to heal a wound when it is being poked at constantly. This is why children estrange from their parents. I am in deep pain being estranged from my mother but she opens the wound right back up causing even deeper pain. She will not look within. If she were to self-reflect, be honest, and take accountability, AND then stop the abusive communication (the judging, shaming, mocking) once and for all, I would love to have her back in my life. I would be able to forgive the past and move on. My mom would need to be in therapy to do this inner work and learn to communicate in a safe manner. She is not willing to do that because her ego - her pride - is larger than her love for me. That also seems to be the problem here with the estranged parents that is largely being overlooked. Best wishes for us all to truly heal. And not the surface level, comfortable "healing" but the deep, honest, self-reflective and sometimes highly uncomfortable but totally worth it healing.
@@VALiantiosous It was revealed today that Lady Gaga and her father are not on good terms since Gaga's father supports President Elect Donald Trump. I am sure he was "walking on egg shells with his daughter" to keep the peace which at best was only temporary as long as he stayed silent. Why should Gaga's father just stay silent OR ELSE estrangement will ensue? I am sure now that happiness starts from within and we must not depend on external factors to give us happiness. I say, if an adult child does not want anything to do with you, let them go. Live a happy life without your adult child. As our lovely host here, Diane, said, "Are you only as happy as your least happy child?" Please don't play victim and blame your parents and then yourself too. All you do is make your therapist rich. Just let the adult child who has ghosted you go. Trust me, you will have a happier life and if they want to resume a relationship with you, that's a great bonus. Be well everyone !
Thank you so much, Diane! I am grateful to you for sharing your journey with us!!! I'm am so sorry that your videos had an initial negative response from the "Therapy Industrial Complex." That must have been horrible to have those reactions to your heartfelt video in the middle of your confussion and pain to the trauma. That English accent woman: Isn't she afraid that her "dissgussty-face" might FREEZE like that? Can she not SEE HERSELF? Too many therapist see One Side of a Story, believe Everything, and proceed to destroy families, detroy relationhips, destroy lives. Thank Heavens for Abigail Shrier, "Against Therapy" points out the poisonous, insidious nature of "therapy." READ IT!!!
Thank you Diane. Going thru your program a few months ago really helped me cope with the estrangement of my two daughters. After a year and a half they finally contacted me and are willing to work things out. They want to go through counseling together. I hope they will open their hearts . I know God will do good things when the time is right . ❤
So Glad I found this channel, top notch advice. And for all try detractors, they are just simply confirming the need for this channel. If for no other reason that seeing another person’s perspective, refusing to acknowledge that no one is perfect and that they could have misjudged the situation and their parents shows the immaturity. Basically, they will have to experience it themselves, which they will.
I am in your generation. This has nothing to do with "woke crap" This is deflecting. Being trauma informed with a desire to heal intergenerational trauma is not a political identity. I am in therapy for the harm I caused my child and the harm my parents caused me. There is no political agenda being pushed on me, not even covertly. One can be right wing or left wing and want to heal intergenerational trauma. It is actually a highly Christian concept, Jesus is all about this. If one's child has different political or religious views than you it is best to not discuss it. If they choose to share their beliefs, be respectful. If they are not respectful they most likely have anger towards you for pushing your beliefs on them in childhood and this needs to be reconciled via trauma informed discussion and apology - family therapy would be best. Our children are really a product of our parenting. Yes, society influences them but we set up their inner foundation. A strong inner foundation (strong self-worth, being respected as an individual) guides an adult child to not be so influenced by the outside world. Parents should be sharing their beliefs to children without force while growing up, and if the adult child chooses to have different beliefs, the parent needs to respect this and not ridicule them and call it "crap." Maybe actually take an unbiased look into their ultra liberal/progressive beliefs? One won't agree with everything, but one will find common ground there, trust me. Parents are being influenced by the media and society to demonize and mock thier child's generation's dominant political beliefs. It goes both ways. Society influences all of us unless we go live in a cave. This is why it is important to learn the art of healthy, safe communication which our generation and the one's before us are very much lacking. Each generation brings something new to the table. Humanity is always evolving and progressing in an attempt to improve itself. The younger generations are very much interested in becoming self-aware and healing intergenerational trauma. Instead of feeling threatened by this maybe look into it with curiosity? It is near impossible to heal a wound when it is being poked at constantly. This is why children estrange from their parents. I am in deep pain being estranged from my mother but she opens the wound right back up causing even deeper pain. She will not look within. If she were to self-reflect, be honest, and take accountability, AND then stop the abusive communication (the judging, shaming, mocking) once and for all, I would love to have her back in my life. I would be able to forgive the past and move on. My mom would need to be in therapy to do this inner work and learn to communicate in a safe manner. She is not willing to do that because her ego - her pride - is larger than her love for me. That also seems to be the problem here with the estranged parents that is largely being overlooked. Best wishes for us all to truly heal. And not the surface level, comfortable "healing" but the deep, honest, self-reflective and sometimes highly uncomfortable but totally worth it healing.
YOU only Offer a HUMANIST approach to a Situation that ONLY GOD CAN HEAL and RESOLVE; # Satan comes to Kill, Rob, and Destroy. SEEK THE LORD Through PRAYER and STUDY OF GOD'S Holy and Preserved WORD/ The HOLY BIBLE.
Learning about nonviolent communication and using “I” statements has been particularly helpful for me as I’ve discovered that when I tell others what to do or start sentences with “you”, they tend not to be received very well no matter how good the advice.
I don't understand the haters coming on. You are literally walking parents through the process of seeing the situation clearly, then taking ownership of their role and moving forward with new wisdom and grace. Isn't that what we want both sides of the situation to do? You are asking parents to take what Accountability belongs to them. The child also needs to do this, it's a two way street.
I think most of the points you lay out are great. I feel like it’s ok to be hurt, it’s ok to be angry, it’s ok to feel disappointment though. You mention that the cold hard truth is that your child doesn’t care or at least doesn’t care enough to maintain contact. Obviously none of us know the ways your relationship has evolved with your daughter and what was said, but saying that statement as a generalization is simply untrue. The nuances of the other parties’ ways and reasons for distancing themselves are vast and saying something like that puts an automatic assumption and judgement on the other party, which is why it is a dangerous thing to state as a general advice for estranged parent audiences. Instead I think it would be more useful, if your ultimate goal is providing advice in order to become closer in a child/ parent relationship, to omit this. If your ultimate goal is to help estranged parents feel better and overcome the negative emotions with estrangement, I still think that this statement is ultimately not valuable. Babyboomers ( although you are younger then this I believe!) are the generation post war. In times of war, crisis, one has no room for emotional reflection because the brain needs to focus on primordial dangers. And our society wasn’t developed in terms of self reflection. The younger generations have had more opportunity for emotional and ego reflection, something which other generations have had little practice in. Every year we live is another year in which we cement ourselves more into our beliefs and patterns which is a gift and a curse. It means though that it is doubly hard to really open up the neatly filed cabinets in our brains to explore the pain and traumas of our past and how it has affected our reaction patterns in the present. Something that perhaps your daughter has had more opportunity to do. Again, none of us know the specifics but a break in contact from her likely means that something about your guys’ dynamic hurts. And that either she hasn’t been able to be heard or feel heard. Really listening and hearing someone requires opening our own locked cabinets and is very difficult. It is very clear that you care deeply about having lost contact with your daughter. And that hopefully a large part of your posting TH-cam videos (in a public setting) about this is your way of calling out and trying to make sense of your pain and perhaps a way of trying to get back in touch with her one way or another. I really wish you the very best in your grief processing and your willingness to explore the inner you and patterns that are there. We are all on the journey of life and as long as we are open to examining our own traumatized brain messes and being open to talking to the people we really want to keep in our lives, as well as validating their emotions, these relationships will ultimately straighten out. Again I can’t speak for your daughter’s willingness to do that but if you truly want to maintain this relationship the big onus should be on you navigating the above. I really really wish you the best; but please avoid making the statement I allude to in a motivational/ help tutorial as the most positive outcome is further resentment and anger. And also genuinely not making assumptions, but if you feel anger as a first emotion to my above comments it really is an indication that there are some negative patterns. No worries, but just another flag that unfortunately the path to reconnecting with your daughter might require some deep inner work that is intensely uncomfortable but likely necessary to regain a door in the relationship if that is what you ultimately seek. And don’t underestimate the toughness of that and the impact that your SO can have on your beliefs and patterns as well.
* foot [in the door]. Also if you feel like doing some deep work is the reflection of your TH-cam videos ( again now I am making an assumption which may be entirely unfounded), I would hope that you would realize that stepping outside the bounds of TH-cam, you can see is not accurate. You delve into some of the literature on child/ parent estrangement which deserves and applause because you are spending the time and energy to explore the topic! But again if the only exploration would be that within the contents of your video, and again you yourself want to respire this relationship then based off the videos it seems like you are not really accessing the backs of those file cabinets. Reason being that the videos, next to tips, are about what your daughter did and how it impacted your emotionally. Again, don’t know what’s going on outside TH-cam but it would be useful to say things like ‘hey I know we aren’t contacting much and it really hurts. I value our relationship immensely and am so proud of the person you are. I have been making TH-cam videos because I am trying to deal with the pain of our rocky relationship but I’m not sure how that makes you feel. All of this is still new to me, and because of this I might not always be able to react in a way that is most supportive to us renewing our trust and relationship. I really want to improve our relationship- can you let me know what you need from me in order to make the first steps? If you feel more comfortable we can perhaps talk with a neutral person like a therapist, if that would make you more comfortable. I really love you and even though I might not always get it right, you mean the world to me and I want to try and understand you better and hopefully improve our relationship’. And sending ‘ I love you cutie or whatever doesn’t help as it comes across as superficial ( oh yes mom has done her ‘duty’) and the first step needs to be that emotional validation and willingness to be vulnerable. I really just want to help you out!
And lastly sorry for the bad autocorrect. But the other things you mentioned are great. It is very difficult to not have the estrangement on your brain all the time because it is grief. And in it, it is important to try to set some time for this and outside of that think, what is it that makes me happy, what do I need, and spend time doing those things. Because if you don’t you will stay focused on this, not give yourself the opportunity to make yourself happy, and ultimately resent her even more which is no bueno and the opposite of where you want to be, right?
When do you touch on parenting errors, generational trauma, or looking inward?
It's in the video.
Apologies, it's in the next video, Stage 5.
@@estrangedparents Shame. 👀
What do you mean?
@@sitdownbehumble8675 she cannot, as she is blameless xD
How about asking yourself what you did or didn't do to contribute to the situation? Or is that covered in stage 5?
Lol you sound angry. She’s not your parent. Misplaced emotions?
@@Lisaann7 Lol back. Looks like I hit a raw nerve.
@@rattyfinklestein4764 haha impossible. Once you get through the topic in this video…you are impenetrable to normal nonsense. Have a great night love!!!
@@Lisaann7that didn't come across angry to me whatsoever. it's a valid question🤷♀️
Did you even watch the whole video?
Self reflection most important
I don’t think many older people truly understand how permanent the internet is. These videos will be up *forever*. Huge channels are showing them to millions of people just to make fun of you. At some point you will be absolutely mortified by all of this, and there will be no way to make it go away. I’m not even including my own opinion on how embarrassing this is for you, just letting you know what you’re setting yourself up for.
Can you maybe in a next video touch on generational trauma? I’m interested in the patterns in your family that eventually pushed your daughter away. The way you described her in a previous video she is a loving, considerate, empathetic and sensitive person. Not someone who would ‘dump’ her parents just like that. She must have been hurting a lot for eventually making this difficult decision. I’m curious what her pain is about and if you recognize any of this in the relationship you had with your parents. What pain did you experience when you were growing up?
Maybe this can also help estranged parents in understanding the generational issues in their own family’s. Thank you!
Are you an estranged parent?
I hope you make an effort to have empathy and respect for your daughter someday. I think you will find that experience to be very rewarding, regardless of whether or not you reconcile. I think seeing the world through her eyes even for a tiny moment...truly seeing it without writing it off or dismissing what she sees and feels...would change everything for you. I hope you do.
Why would you assume I haven't?
@@estrangedparents Because approximately a month ago, a viewer asked you if you could go back in time, knowing all you know now, what would you do differently with your relationship with your daughter? Your answer was that you think homeschooling and no college would have helped. You believe that cutting her off from the outside world and from experiences and knowledge of the outside world would be your first idea of how to make it better. Do I even need to explain why that perspective is not possibly coexistent with an empathetic perspective of your daughter's experience, feelings, and point of view? I'm not making an assumption here. The facts are splattered all over the internet in black and white.
You are reading more into a random comment than was intended. I wondered aloud if that would have helped, but no one really knows.
In your comment, you tell me what I believe. How is it possible that you know what I believe? Are you in my head? Can you read my mind? Have we ever had a conversation?
Do you really think that opinions "splattered all over the internet in black and white" are "facts?"
@@estrangedparents I think because it seems like in some of these videos that you express a lot of contempt for your daughter. As if she couldn't possibly come to an independent conclusion herself, that she must be brainwashed by her therapists, rather than that she has a legitimate grievance. Not seeing her point of view we can't really see either way who is right, but I believe you love her and I hope you can eventually work it out.
I feel certain she has attempted all kinds of reflection , empathy and reconciliation with her child. Most of us are way past that stage and the reconciliation didn't happen ( yet). So learning to cope with AND RESPECT the adult child's stance is where the work is now done here. Letting go. Learning to live again. Some " children" do not want a relationship . Period. So at some point a parent has to learn to live.
None of your prompted questions where about what you could’ve done differently, what ways did I respond to my unmet expectations that could’ve been hurtful. The impartial observer bit and visualization could’ve been a really great peice. I really don’t think your crazy/insane as other people jump to, your just an average mom trying to figure this out. But you have GOT to start thinking about what YOU could’ve done that was purely YOUR FAULT. Your video is full of great great tips- but you are sticking to the victim mentality throughout it. This is not true self reflection. You’ve done amazing work and your side of all this is valid and should be heard. “They don’t care enough to maintain contact” they don’t care about me. That’s not reflective of the dynamic thats result was a contribution of more than one person. you are still placing blame and judgment, this is where all of your credibility dies. It is still obvious to those who are not seeking confirmation bias that you still think you are without sin. At the end of the day… it’s this darn generation. This is really really sad. I was really optimistic about this video title but you are leaving out the whole point of reflection. What you are radically accepting is that “it’s them, not me”. Accepting that the relationship is done is GOOD. Don’t get me wrong. This is growth and self love. But your not loving yourself or others by refusing to guide this vulnerable population who are looking for answers in you towards self reflection. If this channel isn’t for people who where actually “bad” parents.. where is your line for that? Even god has us self reflect. Without communication, like in a video 7 months ago I’m quoting, you can still work through what you’ve done wrong without family therapy or communication with your child. That was a lie. I have hope for you and I really hope you can be what both you and your daughter needs in the future.
She does lots on reflection and responsibility in the earlier stages of being dumped by an adult child. At this stage, she is talking about stabilizing and completing the recovery process and putting the adult child behind you, which is necessary for healing. They don't want you. Facing dependency on the adult child is critical for detachment and a long, happy, and wonderful life when they go no contact.
@@Bekind7868 I agree with everything you said, except the first sentence
@@Bekind7868 Everyone situation is different. If the parent can’t see what they did, it will never be resolved. I’m still heartbroken but there’s nothing I can do. It’s too painful to even talk to her, that’s why most adult kids go no contact. Which I don’t think most parents understand.
That was an earlier video. She’s going through the process of healing which leads you to radical acceptance. Which is where this is heading.
What's the point of doing something differently if the other person doesn't give a chance???
Just one fine morning they decide not to talk, block in every way of communication????
Theory and reality are two different things.
In theory people get multiple chances to correct themselves.
In reality you can only get chances if the other person allows you that opportunity.
P. S. I am not estranged neither I plan onto estrange my parents or as a matter of fact anyone.
But I did had some similar experiences.
I soooooo appreciate you!!😘🥰
The pain never leaves, however much I try. I seek solace in hoping and praying. How can a mother let go of her child. This is the only relationship that does not work like that.
I pray that God gives parents of estranged children strength to bear their trial.
You spoke truth. When someone acts like they don't care, believe them. They chose to walk away honor that. As someone said to me, sometimes we need to give people exactly what they want. If someone truly loves you they would NEVER abandon you. We can't make someone love us.
Facts
@@southernbelle1269 my pastor says that hate isn’t the opposite of love. Indifference is the opposite of love. I feel this is where our daughter is at. She lived less than 5 min away and refuses to communicate.
@@TexanHeaven good statement! Another quote I stumbled across is by Thomas Watson~ A man may wrong another as well by silence as by slander.
Yes. I believe this they don't care. I even told her she said that's not true. What she did, she changed her phone number. 😅 😂 It is what it is... I know it's all about her husband now because he doesn't like me. I'm sure it's because he came from a divorce, parents, and he is still hurt from it, including his older sister. 😢 What I want to really say is I have mood swings. First, I feel heartbroken 💔 in some days or I'm okay with it. I have to realize she is never coming back. Thank you Diane ❤ your videos really helps me not my therapist.
I agree with your comment, it’s hard to swallow sometimes but exactly you can’t make someone love you.
I am a Catholic and have five children. One of mine has been completely estranged for 3 years. In one of your videos, you explain the history behind the confusion, especially the modern trend of going no contact where they have their own language or terminology and psychological diagnosis of the accused parent, it always brings me back to Luke 12:53
"The father shall be divided against the son, and the son against his father, the mother against the daughter, and the daughter against the mother, the mother in law against her daughter in law, and the daughter in law against her mother in law."
Exactly. It's getting worse because we're in the last days. The devil is creating mayhem😢. It's spiritual .non Christians don't understand. I pray for everyone here they will come to know God and His Peace.Go to church and get prayer people.
I come from a religious family, one of five kids. I was always different from them, which I now understand is because of my ADHD. I was never fully accepted. When I moved away for college and had trouble managing communication with my mom and course work, she just lost interest in me. She said we would only talk if I called her, not that she ever called me. I guess I ultimately estranged myself from them, but it was too painful to do anything else
I couldn't agree more.
That could be the problem causing the estrangement--your religion. I feel it does not allow for the growth of human love. That quote allows you to accept your shortcomings. You were probably not an emotionally available mother.
@@seacatMEOW Read the Holy Bible aka The Word of God. There’s wisdom that you are missing. There’s no time to waste..time is short. God Is Love…..seek Him.
So grateful for you and your helpful information. I can barely make it into three minutes of your videos without the requisite flush of chest/heart pain followed by crying. When a child leaves you for no apparent reason it feels like nothing could be more painful, devastating.
Your videos are really interesting, thank you.
Thank you so much for doing this series for us parents of estrangement. It is so important to know we have a network of people with advice & things to help us.
It’s becoming more & more increasingly common for the adult children to ghost their parents & I think this can be beneficial for parents who still have the children in the home to know what can happen & be better prepared for when it does because so many of us have been blindsided by this by our children & so the more we talk about it & share with others it will be resourceful for generations to come.
I would be very interested in you having a public recorded conversation with Patrick Teahan. A debate if you will, both of you have interesting Blindspots that are quite apparent to me. If you’re unaware of him, he’s a TH-cam personality with a reasonably large following. my view is that you both have both interesting things to say and helpful things to say, but startling blind spots. I’m trying to figure out why those blindspots exist. perhaps the debate could clarify that for me. Please consider it thanks.
What blind spots? I’m very familiar with this man, therapist, victim. I now watch from both sides. I’m an estranged mother, and a scapegoat. My “ estrangement “ from my mother began in the 70s. By simply making her life miserable. I became the monster that she invented. And the tragedy here is that I’m able now at the age of 70 to step back … and see her pain and fear.
I wish I could talk to my mom now. See, I made a promise to my future child (I only have one) that she would never know the life that I knew. And she didn’t! I broke such a long vicious cycle of abuse. But I have said the wrong things and done everything within my power to heal our relationship but she hates me and everything that this therapist talks about is extremely prejudice. Ways that we really care and have always shown it. The same ways that all people in society show care about their family. Especially their children.
And I read through the comments and I have found so many that my daughter is quoting verbatim. And it’s scary. I find myself thinking, do these people forgive anyone? It’s like they feed off of each other’s anger.
I’ve thought about leaving my perspectives on his channel but we all know what happens if a narcissistic, toxic, selfish, manipulative, mother does such a thing. I don’t agree with the women who are monetizing their situations either. Classes, support groups. I see blind spots too. But Patrick Teahan , I think he still needs therapy. From a different perspective with a different therapist. Me thinks “ estrangement “ is a hot money maker right now!
@@connieschwarz6023 I would just like to point out that not everyone who thinks it's fair to cut off someone who minimizes your experiences and gaslights you and refuses to stop has cut off their own parents. My parents didn't do that to me. They are far from perfect, same as me. We have fought. But our relationship with each other is loving and supportive. It's not like that for everyone. Not every parent-child estrangement is the parent's fault, either. Most of them are, owing mostly to the power dynamic in childhood. But children can estrange parents when they join a cult, when they're addicted to drugs, when they're in an abusive romantic relationship and the abusive partner wants them to be alienated, etc. There are definitely cases where it is not a parent's fault. But I have a hard time believing you can see the whole picture if you don't see the holes in Diane's story or your own, the holes that are formed where the compassion, empathy, and understanding for your own child should be. All we hear from Diane is about how she feels and how she didn't want to apologize or take responsibility for what she had done, so she just forgave herself instead. In a healthy relationship, that isn't lacking. People rarely apologize as a first initial reaction. Sometimes it takes periods of time for people to understand each other. But healthy relationships move in that direction and all people involved make an effort to step outside of their comfort zone and learn a little more about how their loved ones feel and see the world. If we asked Diane's daughter to write an essay about how her mom and dad each feel about everything that has happened, I'm confident she would succeed in doing this. She could be a ghost writer for them. Diane and her husband could not do the same in reverse. They could not write about the events that had transpired from her point of view without it turning into satire and disdainful sarcasm. I know this because of how Diane summarized her daughter's concerns. She regarded them with contempt. Contempt is to relationships as a severed Achilles heel is to a marathon. I have actually seen parents comment here and elsewhere and understand where their children are actually coming from, or show an effort to understand and that their understanding is increasing. I'm rooting for them. I am. When estranged family members don't put forth that effort and empathy, it shows exactly why the situation worked out that way. And when it's like that, no one makes it out unscathed. It's so freaking painful for absolutely everyone involved. It's heartbreaking. I wish people knew not to live life that way. There is no winning in refusing to budge. Refusing to budge means getting left behind.
I know you are probably not a religious person and I don’t know if you believe in God or not. But one of the most powerful things you can do for your daughter in this time of separation is pray for her everyday. Pray that God gently brings her back to the truth of who she really is. A child of God. Have faith that one day he will reconcile this estrangement and bring your little girl back to you.
My only child, a daughter rejected me at different periods throughout her years. It was parent alienation since she was very young. I stayed until she became 18 due to fear of losing her to her narcissistic paternal grandparents in another country. Five years ago she cut contact with me again due to a disagreement. I always maintain a decent communication with her father. That is how I can get updates how she is doing. She is doing great in her career. She likes what she does.
Each morning I pray 🙏🏻 with all my heart and mind to God, Jesus Christ, Saints Mary, Joseph and Raphael. I ask God to guide and protect my daughter. I pray for her father and his mother too.
When I feel empty. I begin to pray 🙏🏻 and pray 🙏🏻
When I saw a young woman looked like my daughter, my heart skipped a beat.
I sometimes cried silently alone.
I let her go but I will wait for my daughter til my last breath.
I believe in prayers all my life. I have faith and trust in God.
I know that God listen to me at each prayer. I have desire to live my life in my senior years.
God Bless all of us and our children. 🙏🏻💕⚘️🐦🇺🇸
I agree with you. If I didn't have the Lord right now to lean on I would be totally lost. I'm so hurt and also mad but I am deciding to pray for my daughter and pray we can be reconciled some day. I'm not expecting a reconciliation. I am trying to not hate her right now, she has really hurt me though terribly. I was a great parent to her so I have no guilt that I did anything wrong at all. She is a messed up person. But with God in my life I can survive and hopefully thrive too! Thanks! God bless you.
@@lmccauley7319I am not sure if you meant you are expecting a reconciliation as opposed to not expecting. You should pray believing that this will come to pass. Please read the story of the prodigal son in Luke 15:11-32. May the Lord give you peace and bring her back safely. Blessings to you.
@@hadassahe3854 Ok, thank you.
This is terrible advice.
You should never include or mention non-consenting people in your rituals
I think sometimes mother and daughter are so deeply attached, that the only way to become detached is to rip away. What I mean by that is... sometimes it can be so painful for the child to leave the mother, that it has to be done in a way that the child can hate the mother, so it is easier for the child to leave. Perhaps it was too difficult to leave while still in love with the mother...
@EvilFleesBeforeMe I thought your thought also. Now that you have posted your thought I know my thought is not so crazy. By posting this you are helping people. Thank you for your post, thinking, thoughts.
I always thought that the teenage rebellious stage was just for that reason, to find a way to cut the apron strings.
I just tried watching part 5,sorry it was removed.
Agree, forgiveness is key. Sometimes I have to remind myself that as an act of my will, I choose to forgive whenever the memories resurface. Releasing and letting go is freeing. It doesn’t take the pain completely away but it does, however, allow me to move forward.
100%, thanks for sharing your perspective... 💕
The fear of God is the beginning of all wisdom.
That sounds more like cowardice
Truth!
@@ItCameFromTheSkyBeLofear of god isn’t always traditional fear it has more of a historical cultural context. More like awe of his power. I’ve thought about this a lot as a Quaker
@user-dr1td6nd5f I don't live in fear. Fearing a god comes across to me as a response to a problem, for which you want an easy out. Instead of actually solving the problem, you just leave it up to a big guy in the sky, since you're too weak to solve the problem, let him solve it.
@MRFM2001 In my experience it seems to be weird veneration of the Great Man Myth.
Really helpful tips here. Thank you.
I left a comment the other day but don’t see it anymore?
I don't see it either. What did you say?
This topic was discussed in another forum. I couldn't believe the nasty, judgmental and opionated comments that it has to be the parent who caused the estrangement. I usually ignore rude and nasty comments but this time I had to respond. The comments don't upset me however, others may be hurt by them. Do you get a lot of pushback?
Yes, all the time...
People think no contact is always the parents fault but never the other way around. Sadly parents are always blamed without someone knowing all the facts. People have said negative things to me but they aren't going to shut me down.
Thank you for sharing with others. This information is so helpful. Its hard to between generation where our parents demanded and received honor, care and respect and the generation of our children who also demand honor, care and respect while giving none.
It's so hard cuz often your child reminds you of someone you don't want to be with anymore and yet if you're married you can say things like you remind me of your father etcetera and people laugh
So great, Diane. Ty. Your experience has led you to help others through their personal suffering and grief, reflection, and road towards healing. The most empathetic teachers are those who have gone through similar pains, done the deep reflection, and have come out the other side. It goes without saying that any child who has gone through abuse, or neglect, is not who you are talking to, nor a parent who intentionally damaged their child. They know who they are. You make so many excellent points. The one that stands out for me is allowing your ADULT child to accept their responsibility for their part they currently play. Not "caring enough" to communicate, resolve and forgive (if possible). It does take two to tango. Not trying to be snarky. Take care.
Another point I would like to make and I'm not sure if you are religious in any way... I have researched the writings of the Doctors of the Church, especially St Augustine, before he became a true Catholic, subjected his own mother, Saint Monica to such terrible grief for over 17 years. If you haven't read her life, I would definitely suggest that you do. The heartache she endured may seem familiar to your own. I find hope in reading the life of Saint Monica.
Anyway, in my research I found a more concise explanation of the Ten Commandments, especially the Fourth Commandment, "thou shalt honor thy father and mother."
It explains exactly what this commandment means, especially in the context of estrangement...
Side note: The Fourth Commandment does not expire when a child turns 18.
1. Have I deliberately given in to hatred of my mother or my father, refusing to speak to them over a considerable period of time?
2. Have I deliberately wished serious harm to my parents, e.g., that they would die so that I might possess their goods?
3. Have I habitually treated my parents harshly, speaking contemptuously to them or of them, ridiculing them, cursing them, causing them severe pain and sorrow?
4. Have I refused to relieve the serious needs of my parents when I was able to do so, leaving them dependent on strangers for necessary food, clothing, or without medical care in sickness and danger of death?
@@CatholicamI I like “the fourth commandment doesn’t die when a child turns 18”
@@TexanHeaven ❤️
This is good information I just feel like it's a LOT in one video, it's a lot at once you're throwing out here. Probably would have been better broken down into at least two videos. But I appreciate you. And it is good advice. Thanks.
Thank you for your video and for sharing. It's an old story for parent/adult child estrangement. External forces such as religion and politics is to blame. Throughout history religions and political forces have through indoctrination and "re-education" turned child against the parent. Look at North Korea, Chinese Cultural Revolution, any socialist regime, and so many so called religions, have all done the same. Even today in the United States, so called politics is turning children away from their parents with Democrats hating Republicans. The rhetoric from the "left" is constant and these people who claim to be tolerant and loving are the exact opposite. If one disagrees with them, they hate. If your daughter "hates" you it might be from these political differences. Maybe? I could be wrong but you seem like a conservative person and voting Republican. Well if this is true, then be aware that Republicans are being pictured as gun loving Na zis (German National Socialist) and one just has to look at the violence against POTUS 45 because the so called media has made the equivalence to him being a Hi tl er. Hence the violence against him. I have seen adult children hate their parents for politics. All I can say is that when the Adult child gets older, they are more than likely to become more Conservative and finally change their thinking. Until then, have a fun time, ignore the adult who won't talk to you and cut them from your Will. It's a great feeling to just let it go and not give a care.
Being trauma informed with a desire to heal intergenerational trauma is not political. I am in therapy for the harm I caused my child and the harm my parents caused me. There is no political agenda being pushed on me, not even covertly. One can be right wing or left wing and want to heal intergenerational trauma. It is actually a highly Christian concept, Jesus is all about this.
If one's child has different political or religious views than you it is best to not discuss it. If they choose to share their beliefs, be respectful. If they are not respectful they most likely have anger towards you for pushing your beliefs on them in childhood and this needs to be reconciled via trauma informed discussion and apology - family therapy would be best.
Our children are really a product of our parenting. Yes, society influences them but we set up their inner foundation. A strong inner foundation (strong self-worth, being respected as an individual) guides an adult child to not be so influenced by the outside world. Parents should be sharing their beliefs to children without force while growing up, and if the adult child chooses to have different beliefs, the parent needs to respect this and not ridicule them and call it "crap."
Maybe actually take an unbiased look into their ultra liberal/progressive beliefs? One won't agree with everything, but one will find common ground there, trust me. Parents are being influenced by the media and society to demonize and mock their child's generation's dominant political beliefs. It goes both ways. Society influences all of us unless we go live in a cave. This is why it is important to learn the art of healthy, safe communication which our generation and the one's before us are very much lacking.
Each generation brings something new to the table. Humanity is always evolving and progressing in an attempt to improve itself. The younger generations are very much interested in becoming self-aware and healing intergenerational trauma. Instead of feeling threatened by this maybe look into it with curiosity?
It is near impossible to heal a wound when it is being poked at constantly. This is why children estrange from their parents. I am in deep pain being estranged from my mother but she opens the wound right back up causing even deeper pain. She will not look within. If she were to self-reflect, be honest, and take accountability, AND then stop the abusive communication (the judging, shaming, mocking) once and for all, I would love to have her back in my life. I would be able to forgive the past and move on.
My mom would need to be in therapy to do this inner work and learn to communicate in a safe manner. She is not willing to do that because her ego - her pride - is larger than her love for me. That also seems to be the problem here with the estranged parents that is largely being overlooked.
Best wishes for us all to truly heal. And not the surface level, comfortable "healing" but the deep, honest, self-reflective and sometimes highly uncomfortable but totally worth it healing.
@@VALiantiosous It was revealed today that Lady Gaga and her father are not on good terms since Gaga's father supports President Elect Donald Trump. I am sure he was "walking on egg shells with his daughter" to keep the peace which at best was only temporary as long as he stayed silent. Why should Gaga's father just stay silent OR ELSE estrangement will ensue? I am sure now that happiness starts from within and we must not depend on external factors to give us happiness. I say, if an adult child does not want anything to do with you, let them go. Live a happy life without your adult child. As our lovely host here, Diane, said, "Are you only as happy as your least happy child?" Please don't play victim and blame your parents and then yourself too. All you do is make your therapist rich. Just let the adult child who has ghosted you go. Trust me, you will have a happier life and if they want to resume a relationship with you, that's a great bonus. Be well everyone !
WISDOM Only COMES From The LORD JESUS. PRAY FOR WISDOM & GODLY DISCERNMENT.
Wisdom is borne of a person's life experiences and willingness to learn from them. Things like gods aren't even a part of the equation.
Thank you so much, Diane! I am grateful to you for sharing your journey with us!!! I'm am so sorry that your videos had an initial negative response from the "Therapy Industrial Complex." That must have been horrible to have those reactions to your heartfelt video in the middle of your confussion and pain to the trauma. That English accent woman: Isn't she afraid that her "dissgussty-face" might FREEZE like that? Can she not SEE HERSELF? Too many therapist see One Side of a Story, believe Everything, and proceed to destroy families, detroy relationhips, destroy lives. Thank Heavens for Abigail Shrier, "Against Therapy" points out the poisonous, insidious nature of "therapy." READ IT!!!
Thank you so much!! Another great one! 🙌🙌
Thank you again Diane 💕 you're helping so many
Thank you Diane. Going thru your program a few months ago really helped me cope with the estrangement of my two daughters. After a year and a half they finally contacted me and are willing to work things out. They want to go through counseling together. I hope they will open their hearts . I know God will do good things when the time is right . ❤
That's fantastic news, congratulations!
Another great one!🙌🏻 Thank you Diane💖for sharing these most important videos, they’re helping more people than you probably know!
So Glad I found this channel, top notch advice. And for all try detractors, they are just simply confirming the need for this channel. If for no other reason that seeing another person’s perspective, refusing to acknowledge that no one is perfect and that they could have misjudged the situation and their parents shows the immaturity. Basically, they will have to experience it themselves, which they will.
Thank you for your kind words, I'm glad it's helping!
Thank you Diane. Time for us Gen Xers to push back against this woke crap and take our power back. 💪
I am in your generation. This has nothing to do with "woke crap" This is deflecting.
Being trauma informed with a desire to heal intergenerational trauma is not a political identity. I am in therapy for the harm I caused my child and the harm my parents caused me. There is no political agenda being pushed on me, not even covertly. One can be right wing or left wing and want to heal intergenerational trauma. It is actually a highly Christian concept, Jesus is all about this.
If one's child has different political or religious views than you it is best to not discuss it. If they choose to share their beliefs, be respectful. If they are not respectful they most likely have anger towards you for pushing your beliefs on them in childhood and this needs to be reconciled via trauma informed discussion and apology - family therapy would be best.
Our children are really a product of our parenting. Yes, society influences them but we set up their inner foundation. A strong inner foundation (strong self-worth, being respected as an individual) guides an adult child to not be so influenced by the outside world. Parents should be sharing their beliefs to children without force while growing up, and if the adult child chooses to have different beliefs, the parent needs to respect this and not ridicule them and call it "crap."
Maybe actually take an unbiased look into their ultra liberal/progressive beliefs? One won't agree with everything, but one will find common ground there, trust me. Parents are being influenced by the media and society to demonize and mock thier child's generation's dominant political beliefs. It goes both ways. Society influences all of us unless we go live in a cave. This is why it is important to learn the art of healthy, safe communication which our generation and the one's before us are very much lacking.
Each generation brings something new to the table. Humanity is always evolving and progressing in an attempt to improve itself. The younger generations are very much interested in becoming self-aware and healing intergenerational trauma. Instead of feeling threatened by this maybe look into it with curiosity?
It is near impossible to heal a wound when it is being poked at constantly. This is why children estrange from their parents. I am in deep pain being estranged from my mother but she opens the wound right back up causing even deeper pain. She will not look within. If she were to self-reflect, be honest, and take accountability, AND then stop the abusive communication (the judging, shaming, mocking) once and for all, I would love to have her back in my life. I would be able to forgive the past and move on.
My mom would need to be in therapy to do this inner work and learn to communicate in a safe manner. She is not willing to do that because her ego - her pride - is larger than her love for me. That also seems to be the problem here with the estranged parents that is largely being overlooked.
Best wishes for us all to truly heal. And not the surface level, comfortable "healing" but the deep, honest, self-reflective and sometimes highly uncomfortable but totally worth it healing.
Thank you Diane .
Your vedios help me to calm down and not to get emotions out of control .❤
YOU only Offer a HUMANIST approach to a Situation that ONLY GOD CAN HEAL and RESOLVE; # Satan comes to Kill, Rob, and Destroy. SEEK THE LORD Through PRAYER and STUDY OF GOD'S Holy and Preserved WORD/ The HOLY BIBLE.
Learning about nonviolent communication and using “I” statements has been particularly helpful for me as I’ve discovered that when I tell others what to do or start sentences with “you”, they tend not to be received very well no matter how good the advice.