INTJ here (female) and one thing that I realized is that as INTJ, we don’t have a lot of close people on our lives and so once we have a partner we tend to make them our primary source of socialization. This aspect might make it seem to an INTJ that finding that person is super important, but it’s frustrating since we aren’t naturally attuned to speaking “feelings”. Not sure anyone else feels this way.
I kinda get it about feeling. Some of my closest relationship that I connect with is thinker types. I like see things theoretical. And talk. I am entj male. Might help finding thinkers. I am more quiet spoken most of the time I like to listen for most part in social settings. Think thinkers or people that are abstract thinkers I connect deepest with. I don't have entj or intj in my life but think I like to. I have had intp or entp
Is it common for INTJs and probably INTPs to not so much be unsure about how to date but have a general lack of interest? I suppose that if I clicked with someone and was close friends with that someone I might become attracted, but the only level of attraction I get are fleeting, minute fascinations with a person's unique type of cleverness and humor. It's so small that it's almost not worth mentioning. I mostly want their attention in a friendship way, but since we don't click beyond that the interest fades.
I'm an intj male. It takes me roughly 5-6 months to warm up, & get to know a girl. I have to figure out her character. Figure out if she's authentic. Know for sure if she likes me. Figure out her values. Make sure she's not a fake, or narcissist. Make sure her dreams, goals, desires, wants, & plans for the future match up with mine. There's so many people nowdays that thier actions don't match up with the words that flow from thier 👄's. It only takes me 3 days to realize I have a crush, but 6 months to ask her out, & by then I've been friendzoned, & left for dead. Women should put in work, & ask out men. I also think that reading body language as an intj can be confusing. You're highly unlikely to ask a girl out if you can't tell if she likes you back.
If your fear of rejection is greater than your fear of losing us forever, forget it. You won't be worth our effort if you're putting in none yourself, it's exhausting to carry out a one-sided relationship (enfj female).
@@Bookooky Why does fear of rejection equate to a relationship full of no-effort and one-sidedness? The approach and correlatory approach-anxiety are not equivalent to the relationship itself.. approach anxiety is real, and particularly difficult to deal with for some people. Is it so absurd to want old gender roles to die? For men to not have to approach every time?
The issue is that "dating" itself is a fundamentally unnatural thing for human beings to be doing in the first place. 99.99%+ of our evolution took place living in small tight-knit tribes - we're wired to pair bond/mate with those already within our social circle. That's why the "natural" way is just as you described - getting to know someone over time and gradually forming a relationship that way. Putting two completely random people who have never met before face to face for an hour or two and forcing them to interact is weird and awkward because it's not what we evolved to do. 10,000 years ago that would have almost never happened. It's not that it can't work, but it's a low % game and we shouldn't expect it to feel smooth and natural, because it isn't.
Demon Windu I was simply pointing out that the reason modern dating *feels* forced and awkward is because it's not what we evolved doing, hence why I chose a time frame from when we still would have been hunter gatherers. You would have lived with the same group of people more or less for your entire life and known who they were as opposed to just randomly seeing a totally unfamiliar female and "going on a date" with her. (I wasn't making any judgement on how people should or shouldn't go about it based on the current structure)
this is only partially accurate depending on the culture. much evidence suggests that the further back in time you go, like before patriarchy existed, women were more likely to mate exogamously than endogamously. meaning they preferred partners from outside their tribe, not someone within their tribe who seems like a brother or friend. this is for the genetic health of future offspring because humans evolved an incest avoidance and are not actually attracted to those who would be related to them in a small band-like society. the more patriarchal the society becomes, the more women's reproductive capacity is controlled by the men in her life and more women are forced to mate endogamously within their groups. patriarchy is fundamentally incestuous as a result and its the reason there is actually less variation within our species genetically than say 10,000 years ago.
INTJ: I've learned dating is a waste of time, and am perfectly happy to not be in any relationship. I can focus on what I want, not what my significant other wants.
same. i dont bother anymore. wasted my entire twenties trying to relate to people only to realize society is not made for people like us. why bother with any of it.
Oof. Yeah, my 20s were rough too. It's a bit easier when you're forced to be around a lot of people everyday (Highschool/College). I'd tell you not to give up, but actually, it was at the point that I had completely given up that *BAM* this strange being known as an ENFP entered my life. Lol. So I guess the trick is, don't try. Don't worry about it. Love is special. It'll happen naturally if it's meant to.
@@mehwhatever1402 I'm an INFP and think the same.. I turned 30 this month and will just focus on my teaching career and my health from now on. People are too much drama, draining and untrustworthy
What I've learned from dating: 1. Gender roles are a disease. 2. Ni has to take things slow, so friendship should be what you look for first in a partner. 3. Online dating can actually work for your if you can eliminate the undesirables (the guys that just want sex or are just extremely incompatible) in a timely manner. Elaborating on #3. I online dated for a while. If I like their profile pic I'd message first. If the messaging is decent I'll ask them to video chat (no catfish for me). If the video chat seems somewhat intriguing I'll met in person. If there is even a little chemistry in meeting I'll let Ni consider them a potential friend and let the magic happen from there. I eliminated (block their number) anyone that I didn't vibe with in person. Been with my current boyfriend I met off Tinder for 2 years. We're friends and it makes things so easy.
It's hard to know if an INTJ likes you. I went on a date with one and we talked 4 hours until we got kicked out from the restaurant. There's a crazy story about what happened after but long story short, she ended up just wanting to be friends (which I did not, I wanted to date) and it fell apart pretty tensely.
Not an INTJ, but I definitely met my husband at church youth group, a place I went to regularly anyway. We became friends for almost a year before we started dating. I still think that's a good method in general to approach possible romantic relationships. ☺
I can relate to what you were saying completely. INTJs are definitely late bloomers, well most that I know. I become more social and outgoing in mid 20s and now in my late 20s I am having the best time of my life. I think that INTJs can really grow and make their lives more interesting as the time passes, something that society usually see in the opposite way. I remember people telling me when I was younger how much I miss and that this is the time to enjoy life, but somehow I always had a feeling that life is not so linear and one directional. Still it is important to take how other people perceive you in order to develop and learn. Sometimes I even feel I have more real enthusiasm for new opportunities and social activities now than my peers, but again I am more focused when picking activities. Maybe it is especially important for us to really pick social circles and where we are engaged, it can make a huge difference how people perceive you and interact with you, how much energy you will need and how comfortable you are to act. Developing friendship into relationship is also something I would prefer, but its not the most common idea for non INTJs (especially if you are a male INTJ this can be tricky). One thing that I realized when dealing with environments I dont really want to, but I should spent the whole day for example, is the fact that I will get drained very quickly, so I have to put aside observation and be active in the first hour or two while I still have energy. After that I can just go home :)
iNtuiting "Put observation aside and be active for the first hour or two". This is what I like to call INTJ social medicine. Putting Ni to the side and engaging Fi and Se. It takes practice but man is it worth the effort. You'd think I was the life of the party and then as the hour goes by my energy slowly changes from "engaged" to "oh my look the time! Gotta go." I think non-intjs can become very drawn to us when we become social and are often confused when our seriousness comes back in full force tho.
Andria Sanders Exactly, it confuses people. I am not sure if we resemble esfps or entps more at that time. After my battery run out people would ask me - what is wrong, is everything ok or similar. It can be confusing :)
INTJ: Great to hear that anything that we may have missed out on earlier in life can be made up for. I definitely relate to becoming more social and enjoying life more as time goes on.
It almost feels like we are naturally a lot more mature than other people growing up, because we develop complex moral systems. So when other people actually grow up, it becomes a lot easier to communicate with people, hence INTJ’s being “late bloomers” in relationships. But it’s really the other people that are later bloomers to maturity.
As an INTJ I've learned that a real relationship really makes the tertiary Fi blossom in a sense, even if that doesn't last it helps with awareness of who you really are and what you really want. I have felt as a robotic type person that doesn't enjoy much other than work until I had this experience. And it explained so much about my previous failures in relationships with people that I cared about. I almost feel like I can use the Te + Fi now as some sort of Fe, like I understand what I should be saying in order to convey how I am feeling. that was a huge breakthrough :)) Also I make friends with dom or aux Fe which I previously would have found scary due to inability to check the authenticity of their feelings or to reciprocate.
I relate so much to this, though I'm an INFP male. I also despise gender stereotypes/expectations, small talk, flirtation, and having to don any sort of false persona, and as such I always found dating to be a miserable experience. I hate having to be the aggressor. I love sexually aggressive women, even if only because they put me at ease by making me feel desired. I've found that if a woman isn't interested in me from the start, I'm not likely to engender any interest in her afterwards. The few women I've bedded have were always interested in me from the start, and I happened to notice and reciprocate. As such, I have little taste for "girly girls", and appreciate women with more masculine personalities. And curiously, the few women drawn to me have often been INTJs. Of these seven bedpost notches, three of them were INTJs. Two of these three were the only two serious relationships I've ever been in. The first one was clinically psychotic and abusive (though I was too naive to understand this at the time), and this relationship lasted for two years and two months. My current relationship is also with an INTJ woman, and we've been together since 2012. In contrast to my ex, this relationship has been almost entirely harmonious from the start. Of course, it helps that we got to know each other for four years online before we were ever able to meet in person. INFP man/INTJ woman is an underrated combination. Both are seen as misfits atypical of their gender. You share a lot of important functions, and to degrees that are both different and complementary. A mature INFP man will respect your need for independence, and he will know how to indulge you with this F(i) when you crave intimacy .And if you engage him intellectually, you might be able to bolster his T(e) as well.
As an enfp, I loved what you said about authenticity ❤️ I don't like"the dance" to show off to someone, my authenticity and theirs is what is most exciting. This video was super nice 😊😊
I know what you mean about wanting to get to know the person first before making a committed decision. I prefer being direct too, but most people enjoy the mystery and chase. I'm not a serial dater or someone who "sees" more than one woman at a time. I think most of the time I'm oblivious to hints that women like me. On the flip side, it takes a lot to pique my interest and when she does, I take notice...quietly. So when I do catch the feels I'll observe her for a while 3 - 6 weeks. Ya like doing some research. Some might call it stalking. Ha ha. If my feelings are still there and she's decent enough, then I'll ask if she wants to hangout just to see what she's really like in different environments. Then the vibes change and mind games shit starts happening. I'm like hang on I just wanted to hangout not smother or marry you. I guess "hangout" means other things in the dating world. Great video!
Thank you for sharing this Alex :). Our modern day society (in America, and many other countries) really emphasize the aspect of "being in love" as an essential core quality to a healthy relationship; when back then, the general cultural view on relationships was that they were necessary to survive and thrive financially and/or socially. Emotional compability was seen as an afterthought, though there are many exceptions. I think the current model stifles Ni users' ability to assess relationship potential by placing an immense pressure on finding "the one," especially past the age of 30. Just as you were saying, clear intentions make it easier to assess the potential relationship before hand, but still makes the dating process tricky! Personally, I take a long to establish a formal relationship, as for example, it took an ENFP about 5 years before he broke down my walls and helped me realize my own love for him and stop being so suspicious of his motives haha!
I really agree with a lot of this. I like that you mentioned the topic of gender norms because it has been seriously a reoccuring frustration in the dating process for me too.
INFP here and I enjoyed this video cause I can resonate on so many levels. Despite my curious nature and open mindedness over stuffs, I am still a little "old fashioned" (as my mother calls it) especially about dating. I don't trust the process of "dating" that most people would not mind. I'm more comfortable though with being friends first then lettings things happen from that point. At least that way I get to know the person as they are and not just their best behavior... Then again, that's just a preference. Despite my lack of trust and would rather take a different approach, I'm aware that there isn't just one template to pursuing relationships and sometimes things could surprisingly work out well regardless of the little struggle at the beginning so I won't advise it against others (Even if I won't personally do it) . Lol, listen to my Fi taking a stand then my Ne opening up to possibilities. 😅 Anyway, you've got great content in this video 👍🏼
As an INTJ I am SO TIRED of "dating", "societal norms" , and just being expected to make social stuff happen. I got stuff to do, baby. YOU figure out where you want to go to dinner- IDC, I'll eat anything!
If you haven't figured it out by now, the "microexpressions" method of typing is exceedingly unreliable. Focus on language instead (judging or perceiving language? If judging, Te or Fe? If Te, is it organizing Si or Ni?, etc.) and "macroexpressions" of type, esp preference for introverting or extraverting feeling, which is typically obvious, and of E/I, which can be much more tricky. THE ART OF SPEEDREADING PEOPLE is a very useful book WRT non-language cues.
I don't know if I have ever heard a female intj speak extensively on their experience, but I can definitely relate to some aspects and found the rest interesting and a bit useful as I have an intj brother and it gave me a bit more insight into how his head works. (I am an infp). Aside from that you are adorable and I look forward to seeing what else you have to say =]
I work in a retail position right now, and I have my retail alter ego which is super charismatic and flirty. But it's really a coping mechanism to deal with a situation with I innately hate. When there's a girl that I am actually interested in (which is very uncommon), I have no clue what to do or say. And looking back, the numerous times a girl was interested in me, but I was too afraid to make a move, or more typically, completely oblivious. LiJo made a good video, stating for IJ's it's best to meet someone on the journey to meeting your goals, someone who wants to come along for the ride with you. It's really important to get out there (which is hard to motivate myself to do), but it's important for growth, and more importantly, get out there and be around people that share your interests.
I had a very active dating life in highschool but I think it was mostly because of my physical appearance and my emotional capabilities severely limited any long term prospects
Dating is an absolute vice to the INTJ. I dumped an INFJ after 5 years dating for dumb reasons who I still care about. I don’t understand why I do things like that. I have a resume the size of King Kong but do really dumb things in relationships. I don’t come out of my hole (home or work environments) much, so it takes a lot of guts for me to even be in a social environment, let alone a date. Having fun is awkward to me and feels strange because I’m always working on something. Was asked on an interview what I do for fun...strategic planning? How can I explain how that is fun for me? Tried making up something fun normal people do but was struggling. I live a bizarre life! Both blessed and cursed with this personality.
Unrelated but I kept reading your videos as "INTJ Liar" and I was like "what, I suck at lying. How does one master the art of deception? Teach me your ways, TEACH ME" I think that I may have problems
I'm a 49 year old intj female and I agreed with everything you said. Spot on! I've experienced being in love mutually with someone but she couldn't find the courage/self-love to come out (it was a 5 year secret lesbian relationship) and I can't live in the closet so I have recently ended it. :-( That was hard because we are still very much in love. But I came out at 16 and am not about to live out my old age in the closet. So basically, I still have not found "the one" but am still hopeful. I do wish I could totally avoid dating. I much prefer when you just meet that person while doing things you do naturally. But you sort of have to get out of the house for that to happen, lol
Oh I can relate to that point perfectly...... when your orientation means 2% of women only is on the same side as you..... when maybe 10% of these women are the kind of women you can have a click on..... no way you can rely on a random meet to find the one, you are kinda forced to go to social events (ha! who said the over extraverted gay bar? ;-)), dating app/website.....which is by default something I don't really like. So the chance to find is pretty low to only count on luck. Ah well..... I'm in couple for more than 12 years now, married 3 years... so I don't really know.... I'm kinda out of all these things now! And about that infamous closet..... whatever one says.... that it's ok, now society is open.... errr... that's not the case... better yes maybe but not really.... If you still love that one, even in the closet ( and reciprocity is true), maybe you can just try again? sometimes a breakup shock opens eyes and things can evolve?
Had to make another comment. I have this issue where I won't judge the guy even if he has a lot of beliefs/philosophies I find absurd. That results in the guy trying to move forward and show that he's pursuing me because I "accept" him (according to his perceptions). No… I'm just letting him be comfortable showing me the real him beyond fake first impressions. I'm definitely judging via information gathering all the while. I end up having to do this professional style paragraph rejection in a very detached way hoping they won't get angry.
The most difficult question for me on an interview is “what do you do for fun?” It’s supposed to be an easy ice breaker question but I dread that question and don’t know how to answer it. Anyways this is a dating video...basically...I don’t date it’s a waste of my time as an INTJ. So rare to find the right person it’s not worth the effort. I usually end up dating a girl that asks ME out.
Are you one of these people that feel pressured to get into a relationship, just because other people they know are in one? You know you don't _have_ to do it, if you're not interested, don't you? It's true that being in a relationship is often associated with success, but, really, in this day and age, where people in first-world countries are granted all of these individual freedoms, there really isn't any need or pressure to pursue relationships, especially if you have other, more important interests, that, you feel, should take priority.
Well, all the better, I really think that is the correct attitude, even if many people might say that, with things like relationships, there is no right way to go about it and it's all very subjective. Even with all that in mind, I don't see how, getting into a relationship, with pressure as the impetus that led to it, could be a very healthy thing to do.
👍🏻🏴 It must be harder for you as a woman. As a man it wasn’t until I was 32 in the 80’s and had my own place that I was married. Still together. It’s difficult to provide advice but simply be yourself and based upon your past experience, values, and intuition open up to your feelings. But don’t put yourself in situations where you feel insecure and uncomfortable. We are by nature reclusive and that hasn’t changed for myself even now in my Lair. At some stage you have to compromise but talking with your prospective partner is better than analysing everything in your head where we live.
If people just act the way they are at home, from the get go, it would make everything so much simpler. Why not just start w/ the end, right? No wasting precious time.
I tried to think of a better way than dating and really, just skipping the dating and just live together for two weeks and fake being married will tell you if you're right for each other...courtship is primarily a huge waste of time in my opinion...you have to WAIT to see if it's gonna work out and it's never any guarantee.
Gonna be 27 this year. I'd rather stay single than date later in life. It would have been nice to have a childhood sweetheart but alas I have accepted it won't happen. I've actually had plenty of opportunities except none of the guys were right for me. None had ambition and it was always rushed. I don't regret focusing on myself and my career goals. I am also way too selfish. I barely keep up with my own family.
I'm intj and prefer the gender roles. We are natural leaders, but unlike entj, we don't like to take up that responsibility as we are more protective of our independence than the entj. I like to lead in emergency situations when it's really needed, then step right back out of it. So for me, seeing a guy follow the gender roles gives me a sense of peace that I will not be thrown into that kind of arena and become drained, irritable, and isolationist too often for a relationship to be expected to understand. From there it's just a matter of (of course) everything else you mentioned - taking a long time to feel them out, and seeing whether I have that kind of respect and trust for his mental processes and strategizing capability, etc. (To be able to relax)… We can strategize together but I want to know that it isn't a scary thing to fall back on him and let my mind be at ease. I'll be most harmonious and warm in the partnership that way. It's a win for everyone.
I'm a 30 yo gay INTJ, so as you may imagine it's pretty hard for me to find anyone remotely suitable ... Most guys are astonishingly shallow and short-sighted, and even if I'm used to being alone as an INTJ, it's still painful at times...
I would be heavily inclined to agree, Oxidae. I think the more limited emotional expression we have and the necessity of independence/alone time we need as INTJs makes us more limited in the dating pool in general. Compounding the with an even more drastically reduced dating pool because we are gay, inability to readily identify with high confidence potential partners (“gaydar”), slow to warm up style, and shifting cultural preference towards dating apps is quite harmful for us. I’m not claiming it’s easier for straight INTJs, but having fairly high confidence most of the sex you are attracted to can be attracted to you back would seem very beneficial.
I never understood the purpose of dating, in the manner that most people tend to approach it. Apart from those who are only looking for casual hookups, if the objective for some is to find spousal prospects, WHY EVER would they even bother doing anything that doesn’t further that goal into informing them about what kind of partner and parent they’d be? Also, why don’t more people realize that having a good lover is never going to matter, if you can’t stand them as a HOUSEMATE. Why isn’t their DOMESTIC COMPATIBILITY even something they consider? If they only discovered during QUARANTINE 2020 that their spouse/partner of 10 - 20 yrs has habits that they knew nothing about, they really haven’t done their homework on this person. Conventional dating is SHALLOW & INEFFECTIVE, but then again, so are most people, so I suppose they reap what they sow. 🤷🏻♀️
INTJ here (female) and one thing that I realized is that as INTJ, we don’t have a lot of close people on our lives and so once we have a partner we tend to make them our primary source of socialization. This aspect might make it seem to an INTJ that finding that person is super important, but it’s frustrating since we aren’t naturally attuned to speaking “feelings”. Not sure anyone else feels this way.
I kinda get it about feeling. Some of my closest relationship that I connect with is thinker types. I like see things theoretical. And talk. I am entj male. Might help finding thinkers. I am more quiet spoken most of the time I like to listen for most part in social settings.
Think thinkers or people that are abstract thinkers I connect deepest with. I don't have entj or intj in my life but think I like to. I have had intp or entp
I loved that you mentioned learning to appreciate the other person without the stress and expectations of a dating relationship.
Is it common for INTJs and probably INTPs to not so much be unsure about how to date but have a general lack of interest? I suppose that if I clicked with someone and was close friends with that someone I might become attracted, but the only level of attraction I get are fleeting, minute fascinations with a person's unique type of cleverness and humor. It's so small that it's almost not worth mentioning. I mostly want their attention in a friendship way, but since we don't click beyond that the interest fades.
I'm an intj male. It takes me roughly 5-6 months to warm up, & get to know a girl. I have to figure out her character. Figure out if she's authentic. Know for sure if she likes me. Figure out her values. Make sure she's not a fake, or narcissist. Make sure her dreams, goals, desires, wants, & plans for the future match up with mine. There's so many people nowdays that thier actions don't match up with the words that flow from thier 👄's. It only takes me 3 days to realize I have a crush, but 6 months to ask her out, & by then I've been friendzoned, & left for dead. Women should put in work, & ask out men. I also think that reading body language as an intj can be confusing. You're highly unlikely to ask a girl out if you can't tell if she likes you back.
alpha devoir very true.
If your fear of rejection is greater than your fear of losing us forever, forget it. You won't be worth our effort if you're putting in none yourself, it's exhausting to carry out a one-sided relationship (enfj female).
@@Bookooky Why does fear of rejection equate to a relationship full of no-effort and one-sidedness? The approach and correlatory approach-anxiety are not equivalent to the relationship itself.. approach anxiety is real, and particularly difficult to deal with for some people.
Is it so absurd to want old gender roles to die? For men to not have to approach every time?
The issue is that "dating" itself is a fundamentally unnatural thing for human beings to be doing in the first place. 99.99%+ of our evolution took place living in small tight-knit tribes - we're wired to pair bond/mate with those already within our social circle. That's why the "natural" way is just as you described - getting to know someone over time and gradually forming a relationship that way. Putting two completely random people who have never met before face to face for an hour or two and forcing them to interact is weird and awkward because it's not what we evolved to do. 10,000 years ago that would have almost never happened. It's not that it can't work, but it's a low % game and we shouldn't expect it to feel smooth and natural, because it isn't.
Demon Windu I was simply pointing out that the reason modern dating *feels* forced and awkward is because it's not what we evolved doing, hence why I chose a time frame from when we still would have been hunter gatherers. You would have lived with the same group of people more or less for your entire life and known who they were as opposed to just randomly seeing a totally unfamiliar female and "going on a date" with her. (I wasn't making any judgement on how people should or shouldn't go about it based on the current structure)
this is only partially accurate depending on the culture. much evidence suggests that the further back in time you go, like before patriarchy existed, women were more likely to mate exogamously than endogamously. meaning they preferred partners from outside their tribe, not someone within their tribe who seems like a brother or friend. this is for the genetic health of future offspring because humans evolved an incest avoidance and are not actually attracted to those who would be related to them in a small band-like society. the more patriarchal the society becomes, the more women's reproductive capacity is controlled by the men in her life and more women are forced to mate endogamously within their groups. patriarchy is fundamentally incestuous as a result and its the reason there is actually less variation within our species genetically than say 10,000 years ago.
INTJ: I've learned dating is a waste of time, and am perfectly happy to not be in any relationship. I can focus on what I want, not what my significant other wants.
same. i dont bother anymore. wasted my entire twenties trying to relate to people only to realize society is not made for people like us. why bother with any of it.
Oof. Yeah, my 20s were rough too. It's a bit easier when you're forced to be around a lot of people everyday (Highschool/College). I'd tell you not to give up, but actually, it was at the point that I had completely given up that *BAM* this strange being known as an ENFP entered my life. Lol. So I guess the trick is, don't try. Don't worry about it. Love is special. It'll happen naturally if it's meant to.
@@mehwhatever1402 I'm an INFP and think the same.. I turned 30 this month and will just focus on my teaching career and my health from now on. People are too much drama, draining and untrustworthy
What I've learned from dating:
1. Gender roles are a disease.
2. Ni has to take things slow, so friendship should be what you look for first in a partner.
3. Online dating can actually work for your if you can eliminate the undesirables (the guys that just want sex or are just extremely incompatible) in a timely manner.
Elaborating on #3. I online dated for a while. If I like their profile pic I'd message first. If the messaging is decent I'll ask them to video chat (no catfish for me). If the video chat seems somewhat intriguing I'll met in person. If there is even a little chemistry in meeting I'll let Ni consider them a potential friend and let the magic happen from there. I eliminated (block their number) anyone that I didn't vibe with in person.
Been with my current boyfriend I met off Tinder for 2 years. We're friends and it makes things so easy.
INTJ: Thanks, nice to hear online dating worked for you! Meeting up in person and then letting things progress naturally seems like a great approach.
It's hard to know if an INTJ likes you. I went on a date with one and we talked 4 hours until we got kicked out from the restaurant. There's a crazy story about what happened after but long story short, she ended up just wanting to be friends (which I did not, I wanted to date) and it fell apart pretty tensely.
Not an INTJ, but I definitely met my husband at church youth group, a place I went to regularly anyway. We became friends for almost a year before we started dating. I still think that's a good method in general to approach possible romantic relationships. ☺
I can relate to what you were saying completely. INTJs are definitely late bloomers, well most that I know. I become more social and outgoing in mid 20s and now in my late 20s I am having the best time of my life. I think that INTJs can really grow and make their lives more interesting as the time passes, something that society usually see in the opposite way. I remember people telling me when I was younger how much I miss and that this is the time to enjoy life, but somehow I always had a feeling that life is not so linear and one directional. Still it is important to take how other people perceive you in order to develop and learn.
Sometimes I even feel I have more real enthusiasm for new opportunities and social activities now than my peers, but again I am more focused when picking activities. Maybe it is especially important for us to really pick social circles and where we are engaged, it can make a huge difference how people perceive you and interact with you, how much energy you will need and how comfortable you are to act. Developing friendship into relationship is also something I would prefer, but its not the most common idea for non INTJs (especially if you are a male INTJ this can be tricky). One thing that I realized when dealing with environments I dont really want to, but I should spent the whole day for example, is the fact that I will get drained very quickly, so I have to put aside observation and be active in the first hour or two while I still have energy. After that I can just go home :)
iNtuiting "Put observation aside and be active for the first hour or two". This is what I like to call INTJ social medicine. Putting Ni to the side and engaging Fi and Se. It takes practice but man is it worth the effort. You'd think I was the life of the party and then as the hour goes by my energy slowly changes from "engaged" to "oh my look the time! Gotta go."
I think non-intjs can become very drawn to us when we become social and are often confused when our seriousness comes back in full force tho.
Andria Sanders Exactly, it confuses people. I am not sure if we resemble esfps or entps more at that time. After my battery run out people would ask me - what is wrong, is everything ok or similar. It can be confusing :)
INTJ: Great to hear that anything that we may have missed out on earlier in life can be made up for. I definitely relate to becoming more social and enjoying life more as time goes on.
It almost feels like we are naturally a lot more mature than other people growing up, because we develop complex moral systems. So when other people actually grow up, it becomes a lot easier to communicate with people, hence INTJ’s being “late bloomers” in relationships. But it’s really the other people that are later bloomers to maturity.
I feel like like this makes a lot of sense from an ENFPs stand point.
As an INTJ I've learned that a real relationship really makes the tertiary Fi blossom in a sense, even if that doesn't last it helps with awareness of who you really are and what you really want. I have felt as a robotic type person that doesn't enjoy much other than work until I had this experience. And it explained so much about my previous failures in relationships with people that I cared about. I almost feel like I can use the Te + Fi now as some sort of Fe, like I understand what I should be saying in order to convey how I am feeling. that was a huge breakthrough :)) Also I make friends with dom or aux Fe which I previously would have found scary due to inability to check the authenticity of their feelings or to reciprocate.
I relate so much to this, though I'm an INFP male. I also despise gender stereotypes/expectations, small talk, flirtation, and having to don any sort of false persona, and as such I always found dating to be a miserable experience. I hate having to be the aggressor. I love sexually aggressive women, even if only because they put me at ease by making me feel desired. I've found that if a woman isn't interested in me from the start, I'm not likely to engender any interest in her afterwards. The few women I've bedded have were always interested in me from the start, and I happened to notice and reciprocate. As such, I have little taste for "girly girls", and appreciate women with more masculine personalities. And curiously, the few women drawn to me have often been INTJs.
Of these seven bedpost notches, three of them were INTJs. Two of these three were the only two serious relationships I've ever been in. The first one was clinically psychotic and abusive (though I was too naive to understand this at the time), and this relationship lasted for two years and two months. My current relationship is also with an INTJ woman, and we've been together since 2012. In contrast to my ex, this relationship has been almost entirely harmonious from the start. Of course, it helps that we got to know each other for four years online before we were ever able to meet in person.
INFP man/INTJ woman is an underrated combination. Both are seen as misfits atypical of their gender. You share a lot of important functions, and to degrees that are both different and complementary. A mature INFP man will respect your need for independence, and he will know how to indulge you with this F(i) when you crave intimacy .And if you engage him intellectually, you might be able to bolster his T(e) as well.
This is very encouraging :)
As an enfp, I loved what you said about authenticity ❤️ I don't like"the dance" to show off to someone, my authenticity and theirs is what is most exciting. This video was super nice 😊😊
I know what you mean about wanting to get to know the person first before making a committed decision. I prefer being direct too, but most people enjoy the mystery and chase. I'm not a serial dater or someone who "sees" more than one woman at a time. I think most of the time I'm oblivious to hints that women like me. On the flip side, it takes a lot to pique my interest and when she does, I take notice...quietly. So when I do catch the feels I'll observe her for a while 3 - 6 weeks. Ya like doing some research. Some might call it stalking. Ha ha. If my feelings are still there and she's decent enough, then I'll ask if she wants to hangout just to see what she's really like in different environments. Then the vibes change and mind games shit starts happening. I'm like hang on I just wanted to hangout not smother or marry you. I guess "hangout" means other things in the dating world. Great video!
Thank you for sharing this Alex :). Our modern day society (in America, and many other countries) really emphasize the aspect of "being in love" as an essential core quality to a healthy relationship; when back then, the general cultural view on relationships was that they were necessary to survive and thrive financially and/or socially. Emotional compability was seen as an afterthought, though there are many exceptions. I think the current model stifles Ni users' ability to assess relationship potential by placing an immense pressure on finding "the one," especially past the age of 30. Just as you were saying, clear intentions make it easier to assess the potential relationship before hand, but still makes the dating process tricky! Personally, I take a long to establish a formal relationship, as for example, it took an ENFP about 5 years before he broke down my walls and helped me realize my own love for him and stop being so suspicious of his motives haha!
This is so fascinating! I love how INTJ brains work, so. Very cool.
ENFP highschooler here, in some ways I think dating is stupid, especially highschool-type relationships. ;D
@Annemijn van der Torn relationship practice and horniness.
I really agree with a lot of this. I like that you mentioned the topic of gender norms because it has been seriously a reoccuring frustration in the dating process for me too.
INFP here and I enjoyed this video cause I can resonate on so many levels. Despite my curious nature and open mindedness over stuffs, I am still a little "old fashioned" (as my mother calls it) especially about dating. I don't trust the process of "dating" that most people would not mind. I'm more comfortable though with being friends first then lettings things happen from that point. At least that way I get to know the person as they are and not just their best behavior... Then again, that's just a preference. Despite my lack of trust and would rather take a different approach, I'm aware that there isn't just one template to pursuing relationships and sometimes things could surprisingly work out well regardless of the little struggle at the beginning so I won't advise it against others (Even if I won't personally do it) . Lol, listen to my Fi taking a stand then my Ne opening up to possibilities. 😅 Anyway, you've got great content in this video 👍🏼
I am an infp also and I identify with a lot of what she said also.
As an INTJ I am SO TIRED of "dating", "societal norms" , and just being expected to make social stuff happen.
I got stuff to do, baby. YOU figure out where you want to go to dinner- IDC, I'll eat anything!
This video was very helpful. I found myself nodding to a lot of the things that you said. -- INTJ
If you haven't figured it out by now, the "microexpressions" method of typing is exceedingly unreliable. Focus on language instead (judging or perceiving language? If judging, Te or Fe? If Te, is it organizing Si or Ni?, etc.) and "macroexpressions" of type, esp preference for introverting or extraverting feeling, which is typically obvious, and of E/I, which can be much more tricky. THE ART OF SPEEDREADING PEOPLE is a very useful book WRT non-language cues.
I don't know if I have ever heard a female intj speak extensively on their experience, but I can definitely relate to some aspects and found the rest interesting and a bit useful as I have an intj brother and it gave me a bit more insight into how his head works. (I am an infp).
Aside from that you are adorable and I look forward to seeing what else you have to say =]
A bit later... I’m almost 40 and I’ve been on three dates total. They all wanted to be friends.
Same...36 years and and one date for the first time a few weeks ago...was ghosted afterwards! 😆
I work in a retail position right now, and I have my retail alter ego which is super charismatic and flirty. But it's really a coping mechanism to deal with a situation with I innately hate. When there's a girl that I am actually interested in (which is very uncommon), I have no clue what to do or say. And looking back, the numerous times a girl was interested in me, but I was too afraid to make a move, or more typically, completely oblivious.
LiJo made a good video, stating for IJ's it's best to meet someone on the journey to meeting your goals, someone who wants to come along for the ride with you. It's really important to get out there (which is hard to motivate myself to do), but it's important for growth, and more importantly, get out there and be around people that share your interests.
Great viddy! -INFJ
I had a very active dating life in highschool but I think it was mostly because of my physical appearance and my emotional capabilities severely limited any long term prospects
Dating is an absolute vice to the INTJ. I dumped an INFJ after 5 years dating for dumb reasons who I still care about. I don’t understand why I do things like that. I have a resume the size of King Kong but do really dumb things in relationships. I don’t come out of my hole (home or work environments) much, so it takes a lot of guts for me to even be in a social environment, let alone a date. Having fun is awkward to me and feels strange because I’m always working on something. Was asked on an interview what I do for fun...strategic planning? How can I explain how that is fun for me? Tried making up something fun normal people do but was struggling. I live a bizarre life! Both blessed and cursed with this personality.
Unrelated but I kept reading your videos as "INTJ Liar" and I was like "what, I suck at lying. How does one master the art of deception? Teach me your ways, TEACH ME"
I think that I may have problems
I'm a 49 year old intj female and I agreed with everything you said. Spot on! I've experienced being in love mutually with someone but she couldn't find the courage/self-love to come out (it was a 5 year secret lesbian relationship) and I can't live in the closet so I have recently ended it. :-( That was hard because we are still very much in love. But I came out at 16 and am not about to live out my old age in the closet. So basically, I still have not found "the one" but am still hopeful. I do wish I could totally avoid dating. I much prefer when you just meet that person while doing things you do naturally. But you sort of have to get out of the house for that to happen, lol
Oh I can relate to that point perfectly...... when your orientation means 2% of women only is on the same side as you..... when maybe 10% of these women are the kind of women you can have a click on..... no way you can rely on a random meet to find the one, you are kinda forced to go to social events (ha! who said the over extraverted gay bar? ;-)), dating app/website.....which is by default something I don't really like.
So the chance to find is pretty low to only count on luck.
Ah well..... I'm in couple for more than 12 years now, married 3 years... so I don't really know.... I'm kinda out of all these things now!
And about that infamous closet..... whatever one says.... that it's ok, now society is open.... errr... that's not the case... better yes maybe but not really.... If you still love that one, even in the closet ( and reciprocity is true), maybe you can just try again? sometimes a breakup shock opens eyes and things can evolve?
Had to make another comment. I have this issue where I won't judge the guy even if he has a lot of beliefs/philosophies I find absurd. That results in the guy trying to move forward and show that he's pursuing me because I "accept" him (according to his perceptions). No… I'm just letting him be comfortable showing me the real him beyond fake first impressions. I'm definitely judging via information gathering all the while. I end up having to do this professional style paragraph rejection in a very detached way hoping they won't get angry.
The most difficult question for me on an interview is “what do you do for fun?” It’s supposed to be an easy ice breaker question but I dread that question and don’t know how to answer it. Anyways this is a dating video...basically...I don’t date it’s a waste of my time as an INTJ. So rare to find the right person it’s not worth the effort. I usually end up dating a girl that asks ME out.
Are you one of these people that feel pressured to get into a relationship, just because other people they know are in one? You know you don't _have_ to do it, if you're not interested, don't you? It's true that being in a relationship is often associated with success, but, really, in this day and age, where people in first-world countries are granted all of these individual freedoms, there really isn't any need or pressure to pursue relationships, especially if you have other, more important interests, that, you feel, should take priority.
INTJ: I don't think I've ever felt pressured to be in a relationship. I would like to find someone in the near future, probably not right now.
Well, all the better, I really think that is the correct attitude, even if many people might say that, with things like relationships, there is no right way to go about it and it's all very subjective. Even with all that in mind, I don't see how, getting into a relationship, with pressure as the impetus that led to it, could be a very healthy thing to do.
👍🏻🏴 It must be harder for you as a woman. As a man it wasn’t until I was 32 in the 80’s and had my own place that I was married. Still together. It’s difficult to provide advice but simply be yourself and based upon your past experience, values, and intuition open up to your feelings.
But don’t put yourself in situations where you feel insecure and uncomfortable. We are by nature reclusive and that hasn’t changed for myself even now in my Lair. At some stage you have to compromise but talking with your prospective partner is better than analysing everything in your head where we live.
If people just act the way they are at home, from the get go, it would make everything so much simpler. Why not just start w/ the end, right? No wasting precious time.
I tried to think of a better way than dating and really, just skipping the dating and just live together for two weeks and fake being married will tell you if you're right for each other...courtship is primarily a huge waste of time in my opinion...you have to WAIT to see if it's gonna work out and it's never any guarantee.
Gonna be 27 this year. I'd rather stay single than date later in life. It would have been nice to have a childhood sweetheart but alas I have accepted it won't happen.
I've actually had plenty of opportunities except none of the guys were right for me. None had ambition and it was always rushed. I don't regret focusing on myself and my career goals.
I am also way too selfish. I barely keep up with my own family.
I'm intj and prefer the gender roles. We are natural leaders, but unlike entj, we don't like to take up that responsibility as we are more protective of our independence than the entj. I like to lead in emergency situations when it's really needed, then step right back out of it. So for me, seeing a guy follow the gender roles gives me a sense of peace that I will not be thrown into that kind of arena and become drained, irritable, and isolationist too often for a relationship to be expected to understand. From there it's just a matter of (of course) everything else you mentioned - taking a long time to feel them out, and seeing whether I have that kind of respect and trust for his mental processes and strategizing capability, etc. (To be able to relax)… We can strategize together but I want to know that it isn't a scary thing to fall back on him and let my mind be at ease. I'll be most harmonious and warm in the partnership that way. It's a win for everyone.
I'm a 30 yo gay INTJ, so as you may imagine it's pretty hard for me to find anyone remotely suitable ...
Most guys are astonishingly shallow and short-sighted, and even if I'm used to being alone as an INTJ, it's still painful at times...
I would be heavily inclined to agree, Oxidae. I think the more limited emotional expression we have and the necessity of independence/alone time we need as INTJs makes us more limited in the dating pool in general. Compounding the with an even more drastically reduced dating pool because we are gay, inability to readily identify with high confidence potential partners (“gaydar”), slow to warm up style, and shifting cultural preference towards dating apps is quite harmful for us. I’m not claiming it’s easier for straight INTJs, but having fairly high confidence most of the sex you are attracted to can be attracted to you back would seem very beneficial.
I never understood the purpose of dating, in the manner that most people tend to approach it. Apart from those who are only looking for casual hookups, if the objective for some is to find spousal prospects, WHY EVER would they even bother doing anything that doesn’t further that goal into informing them about what kind of partner and parent they’d be? Also, why don’t more people realize that having a good lover is never going to matter, if you can’t stand them as a HOUSEMATE. Why isn’t their DOMESTIC COMPATIBILITY even something they consider? If they only discovered during QUARANTINE 2020 that their spouse/partner of 10 - 20 yrs has habits that they knew nothing about, they really haven’t done their homework on this person.
Conventional dating is SHALLOW & INEFFECTIVE, but then again, so are most people, so I suppose they reap what they sow. 🤷🏻♀️
Thank you
PSA TO ALL ENTP's: FIND AN INTJ.
PSA TO ALL INTJ's: FIND AN ENTP.
Also btw male ENTP's tend to take more female roles and INTJ's more male roles, so to all female INTJ's, it will work out.