I have a friend who's a lesbian, and she and her wife had a friend of theirs act as a donor. They wanted their child to be able to know their father, and the family friend is gay and wants to remain childfree, so it worked out really well; he has fun being a godfather, but has no desire to raise a kid. Like you and Claudia, it took a while and a few tries before conception happened, but now they haven an adorable little girl.
Donor-conceived baby here, through IVI! Within the last five years, I have met roughly ~30 (for anyone who has followed my stories about being DC in the comments here before... lol we found more!) of my half-siblings from my donor's side. Some of us come from LGBTQ+ families; others were conceived due to fertility issues. My family was in the second camp. I was lucky in that my parents were always open with me about my DC status, and it was treated with openness and normalcy, but many other DC folks have really struggled with feeling lied to by parents who didn't disclose to their children that they'd used a donor to conceive. Videos like this, that frankly discuss how things work, can help de-stigmatize conversations around fertility that some families (like mine!) really benefit from having. Thank you for putting all this work into this! ✨
@@AwesomeSpyro depends on the country. Also the sperm is often from danmark. So while each country has a limit, most Danish banks don't have a global limit.
Adoptee here. Remember adoption is always an option too :) one thing I love about families that are started through adoption, donors, etc. is they’re built on love, and kids grow up knowing their parent(s) really WANTED them because they worked hard and did everything they could to start a family
I spent most of my younger years fending off people badgering me about "Have kids--you'll regret it when you're older." In my sixties, sure don't regret it. I'd love to see people free to have a preference about having/not having kids without everybody chiming in with their opinion why you should/shouldn't. Imagine that--freedom of choice without being shamed.
@@emmie1977 If for some reason I ended up with kids, I'd do my best, but I had a very abusive childhood and I never EVER wanted to even accidentally repeat some of what happened to me. My husband was good either way about having kids, so we opted out.
i can't wait to have kids but i totally see the appeal of not having them. it gives you the freedom to prioritize yourself and what makes you happy in a way that parenthood directly opposes. having the opportunity to do anything you want with your time seems so liberating. i think some people forget that there are things in life just as fulfilling as caring for children.
Fertility is so varied. My friend got pregnant while on birth control. After that she got paranoid and only had sex with condom while on birth control. The condom broke ONCE... and she got pregnant again. My cousin spend years trying with her husband, timing when and how they did it... to finally get pregnant.
That's one thing so many people don't understand who get knee-jerk about reproductive rights and tell people to "just keep your legs closed" and rude comments like that. Apart from everything else wrong with their snark - such as their stupid assumption that all unplanned pregnancies occur from promiscuity - there's the fact that a person can use one or more forms of contraception and still end up pregnant. Vasectomies can fail. Tubal ligations can fail. Condoms, IUD's, diaphragms, injections, and implants all can fail, sometimes in conjunction. I have a married friend who was failed TWICE by _permanent_ contraceptive methods. In both cases she and her husband decided to proceed with the pregnancy, but she will share her experience willingly anytime and anywhere she finds people making snap judgments about unplanned pregnancies.
Just want to say as a cis, straight, het adoptive parent, The best of luck to anyone who wants to make a family so much they willingly pursue any of this. Your child will know one thing from day one. You wanted them so much and loved them before you met.
My husband and I are trying. Adoption has always been our first choice. Seeing everyone tell people “just adopt” definitely dont know how difficult it can be on its own (at least in the US). Our first adoption fell through 💔
@@missionquestthingHow painful that must have been. I hope that if you have not yet been successful in adopting, you have at least looked into adoption from foster care. Children available for adoption within foster care have such a hard time getting a forever family, especially if they aren't babies anymore, while people who've only ever heard about private adoption think adoption is inherently expensive, not realizing that many states underwrite most or all the cost of adoption from the care system.
This is not just great info for LGBTQ+ people but also for people with disabilities who either would experience a high risk pregnancy or don't want to pass on their genetic disorder, as I'm sure you're well aware of given your disability. I've decided to be child free as I've gotten older, but back when I thought I would want kids in the future, I thought about different surrogacy options since I have a genetic bone disorder and a spinal cord injury. In America, a partial surrogacy is called "traditional" while a full one is called "gestational", which may be one of the very few American things that makes more sense than the British thing.
Exactly and its a service that the UK offers to very high risk populations, like the British Pakistani community that does a lot of cousin marriage and is seeing a large number of especially intellectual disabilities as a result. They're being offered genetic counselling, so genetic testing and then advice on the safest way to have a child. Completely optional as is their decision on what then to do. A lot are starting to make use of it
@@Haghenveienas to at least one part of that, the Tony-winning Lily Tomlin-Jane Wagner show _On Stage_ had a character who observed, "If I sound contemptuous of nature, I am. To think we have the garment industry to thank for the zipper concept when it would have come in so handy for childbirth."
Fun fact - I went to my NHS GP when I wanted to get pregnant. They had no idea what a preconception appointment was, did no check of my reproductive health, and googled which medications I had to stop taking if I got pregnant. It was an incredibly disappointing experience.
That's so bad. Like, that's basic information a GP should know! Like, in contrast, a friend of mine works with pretty strong chemicals and her GP worked with her workplace safety officers to figure out what accommodations needed to be made for her. I feel like that should be the way to go about it, even if most people won't need such a specialist approach.
When I said I wanted to try for a baby my GP had a chat with me over the phone, talked through medications I was on etc which was nice. However, once I actually got pregnant I was really disappointed by the NHS. My GP's receptionist told me that GPs "don't do pregnancy" and gave me a number for midwives. I called them up, and they booked me in for my first appointment to be 10 weeks later. So... for the first 10 weeks of pregnancy you're just left on your own. No check / test to confirm you're pregnant. No initial health check. No advice on how to have a healthy pregnancy, do's and don't etc. They just expect you to google that and hope you get the right information and don't miss anything. If you're anxious, especially if you're pregnant for the first time, it would be so reassuring to be able to chat to a GP or midwife about it in those early weeks... but nope, nothing. I miscarried in the end anyway, but even if a lot of people do, surely a good healthcare system would prefer to offer support to pregnant people in the early weeks if they want it. Nope. We need to fund the NHS more.
Jessica, have you considered getting a sauna? Based on your description of how the heat in Malaysia helped your pain, I wonder if a sauna would be a worthwhile investment for your family.
You should read Being Seen by Elsa Sjunneson. She's deaf/blind and was the planned child of a lesbian and a gay man (who ultimately died of AIDs) it's a memoir and it's brilliant
I love the "you may not have these three ingredients" presentation. That's just such a perfect distillation of the issue. Thank you, Jessica, for continuing to be a wonderful person with brilliant insights. :D
I watched your We Have a Surprise video the day it posted, and cried all the way through it. You sneaky content creator, you. It was a privilege to watch your journey to Rupert. Best of luck in 2023!
I'm bi in a cis-het passing couple and I'm pregnant with our first baby. I'm due in August 2023. I'm happy for you that you are trying for baby number two. They will have wonderful parents and an amazing big brother!
Hello! AFAB, nonbinary, bisexual, (probably) aromantic who wants to start building a family in seven or eight years here! My first choice wasn't mentioned in the video: Embryo adoption/donation. While I do want biological and traditionally adopted children at some point in my future, being able to have my first child be the result of me giving birth to my adoptive child fills me with joy. For genetic mental health reasons, I don't personally want my first pregnancy to be filled with concerns that my child will inherit my mental health stuff while I'm figuring out how to navigate said pregnancy. I also like the idea of having a friendship or acquaintanceship with the donor parent(s) that would be harder to orchestrate if I used a donor egg and donor sperm. I've actually been researching embryo adoption/donation for the past few days and it's some fascinating stuff! The only downside I'm finding is that a lot of embryo adoption agencies use their religious faith to discriminate against queer people. Not all agencies are like this, but I've been having to dig to find the good ones. If anyone knows of some non-discriminatory embryo adoption agencies in the US, let me know!
If it's called "embryo adoption", the organizations tend to be more religious-leaning. Try looking for embryo donation organizations instead! I think there's a few, but they're not as big. You can also look for embryo donation programs at your local or any other fertility clinic (every clinic makes its own rules and not all allow contact between donors and recipients, though), or look for people who want to donate their embryos online. Many people do this in facebook groups and then draw up a private donation contract.
Oh my gosh, that's fascinating! As a fellow aro who's considering having children and has done copious also recreational research into pregnancy related topics, I actually never considered that before, hot damn.
@@TheYasmineFlower Thank you! Do clinics that provide embryo donation do background checks allow for a donor and adoptive parents to meet each other prior to any resulting child(ren)'s 18th birthday(s)?
@@honorcollins6962 it is kind of a thing, as Jessica mentioned, you can go through IVF and not have the donor egg from the same person it's being transferred into. It's not a known thing, but you can do it. It's often done if the person wanting the baby has congenital issues that won't affect them carrying the baby but will affect the baby. It's also sometimes done in lesbian couples in a way, where one donates the egg to the other to carry, so the genetics are from one parent, but the epigenetics of being carried by the other also play a part. Which I find very beautiful and sweet.
Honestly really cool of you to speak at the end about how there are people for whom adoption is their FIRST CHOICE. I'm not in a couple as I'm aromantic asexual but I am one of those people. I know in my gut that if I were to have a child, I would adopt. Primarily because I don't want to be pregnant. No shade to those who do. I respect you. I just couldn't and don't want to go through it personally.
Jeepers! I majored in Biology and did not expect the excellent coverage on the problems combining DNA from like gametes. You nailed it beyond the level of detail I expected.
I was adopted. Everyone has always said how much I look like my dad and act like him. (I’m a girl) and are always so shocked when I tell them that we are not blood.
My youngest cousin on my dad's side is adopted, and honestly? If you didn't know, you'd NEVER guess. M looks like he absolutely should be biologically related to both of his parents. And the few features that don't directly match his adoptive parents are very much features that run in one or the other family. It wasn't planned at all. My uncle and aunt were simply looking for any child that needed parents that the agency would send their way. As far as they can tell, M has no genetic relationship with them. It's so very odd and cool.
When I was in middle school my classmate was our science teachers son by adoption. But he looked soooooo much like her. Sometimes love just shines through.
I have a stepdad that people always say how similar we are 😂 and I always forget when stating medical history that I don't need to include my step family 😁
My partner and I are one of those lgbtq plus couples that can and did have a baby the old-fashioned way. He's a cis man, and I'm trans masculine and AFAB, and we have a seven and a half month old daughter who was made after about 2 years of trying. I also have a five-year-old (who was a surprise), and I'm hoping that we can have another around 2025 or 2026, if my health allows it.
Polyamorous lesbian here. My primary partner is marrying someone else and they want kids. I am so excited to be the cool auntie. At first we were considering me being the surrogate, but it turns out my depression is so bad that being off my antidepressants for 9 months (plus while trying to get pregnant, whatever shape that takes) would probably result in me not being alive anymore. I'm kinda a mess without my meds. Anyway, they want a house and kids, I want to travel the world and come and go and help people and animals. We've agreed I will be the cool adventure aunt who pops in and out in between world travels, and because they're gonna have a part time nanny, I'll still get us time with my girlfriend (partner? What would describes us?). So yeah, I can't wait to take their kids to watch space shuttles launch, or bring the kids to a pow wow or give them a fez from the last traditional camel wool fez maker in Morocco. More people should become cool aunts and uncles. Teach them to drive. Bring them to the zoo when their parents are working from home. Bring them to farms and show them where their food comes from, and teaching them to cook. I'm excited. But mostly excited about not having to raise them full time. Decided that I'll help with night shifts until the potential future child is sleeping through the night, but I don't want the full time responsibility. So like a nanny that makes out with the mom when she's not sleep deprived.
I think you make a good point about people being the cool aunt/uncle. My brother never had any children and he is a really great Uncle! Like he is shockingly good at it. At first I felt bad that he never had kids, but eventually I realized he didn’t want to be a Dad, he wanted to be the fun/cool/generous uncle and grandpa! (His long term girlfriend has grandkids that he absolutely loves to do things for them.)
Honestly the role of “surplus sometimes caregiver” is probably the evolutionary basis behind non-heterosexuality to begin with. Loads of social animals have non-reproducing adult roles within their groups.
I have some disability/chronic illness related pregnancy advice: if you have a specific condition, try to find out if your hospital has a pregnancy clinic for it. I have Crohn's disease and I found out, completely by accident, that my UK hospital had a combined gastro/obstetrics clinic. I was able to go there before conceiving and meet with a consultant from both sides as well as an IBD nurse for advice. They also supported me throughout the whole pregnancy. It was a brilliant medical experience which really stands out as most of my experiences have been pretty awful 😅
Adoption has always been a valid option for me. One of my childhood friends was adopted in middle school, and it was life changing for her mental health. For a long time I was convinced (by cishet ideals) that I wanted to be a parent, but with the potential inheritable issues, I worry about unintentionally stacking the deck against my poor sprog. That, and my partner isn’t sure he wants kids, but that’s a discussion we can put off once our living and monetary situations are more stable.
Jessica, perhaps Rupert has so many of your features is some kind of generic placebo effect?! Love it. My own family consists of one cis woman and one trans women, with our two children being made at home in the traditional way, but a couple that pass as a lesbian couple (sapphic but not necessarily lesbian), that happen to have two kids that are both genetically our own 😂
I just have to thank you for your "we're pregnant!" vlog. The honesty there was so comforting, especially with early bleeding. I must have watched it 8 times in my first 12 weeks this winter!
I love this. You delved into the subject, offered more information than they wanted, used terms with which they may not be familiar, and put into your presentation subtopics that, almost in a religious way, are assumed to be reserved solely for cis sexual conversations. Make them squirm! Power to you!
It's interesting as a cis het woman realising that these other paths to motherhood may suddenly be part of your journey. I had my first child 6 months ago and I had hyperemesis (severe pregnancy sickness) from 6 weeks up until birth. It's the most scary and debilitating condition I've ever experienced. Our baby is such a blessing, but as far as me and my spouse are concerned, my uterus is not a viable ingredient for any future children!
A friend through who went through hyperemesis gravidarum in her first pregnancy became a major awareness emissary as a result. To this day I can't entirely fathom that she nonetheless underwent two more pregnancies, both plagued by that same horrible condition, despite being aware of _and an advocate for_ other approaches to family-growing, including adoption. Mystifies me. I could maybe understand going that route if it were the only way to become a parent, but when it's so very much _not_ the only way, it seems a strange choice to make particularly coming from someone who freely admits the agony made her even more sympathetic to those who choose to terminate a pregnancy. Her husband from everything I see is the kind of person who would have gone along with anything she wanted and that regard, not the kind of person who insists, "We have to go this route."
Jessica, I love you and your content, but I would like to respectfully ask you to please reconsider the phrase “start a family” when you mean “have children.” I know it’s very common for those two phrases to be used interchangeably, but that does a disservice to all the families out there who don’t want (or can’t have) children. My wife and I hope to have a child in the near future, but we are already a family of two, and having a child will simply add another person to the family. I’m sure you (and most people) don’t mean anything rude by it, but it would be more accurate and inclusive if we as a society stop equating “family” to just that one particular configuration. ❤🌈
Full surrogacy as a term makes sense if you think of the word surrogacy with the meaning of "substitution". Full surrogacy is when the gestational carrier is substituting the egg donor, so we have a full substitution of everything taking place. Sperm donor, egg donor, and womb donor are three different people, so "full" surrogacy. The terms 'Gestational Surrogacy' versus 'Traditional Surrogacy' are generally preferred over Full and Partial, though.
Rupert is sharing relentlessly, the excitement of all that he's discovered. Good luck 🥰🥰🥰 (its a fine dance.. how to keep them excited amd sharing cuz the world has so much cool stuff to it, while also keeping sanity )
(Long time listener, first time caller - just wanting to say that yes, the hycosy is great BUT don't worry if it's difficult to schedule - especially if there is only place in your area that does it. Bodies and cycles are weird. Also, IT IS THE WORST PAIN I HAVE EVER EXPERIENCED IN MY LIFE. I say this not to scare anyone, but to let people who also experience pain that they are not alone. Like many of these procedures, 'some discomfort' is a very broad term. It picked up on issues that nothing else did and meant that we could go straight to the procedures we needed to instead of trying things that would most likely never have worked)
I'm an IVF (ICSI) baby here. My parents are straight but struggled to get pregnant. It took a few rounds but I'm an alive person now. I am apparently the 100th ICSI baby born, but I don't know if that's world wide or just in Australia. Its wild. I have a picture from when I was like three cells big.
Having been through IVF, just to add that egg collection is usually done under anaesthetic (mine was not due to a preexisting condition regarding the anaesthetic itself), but it will be painful. Once the anaesthetic has work off several hours later you will be in quite a bit of pain, and not want to move, or do anything. If you didn't have anaesthetic you'll be in a hell of a lot of pain for a few hours where walking will seem like an immense struggle through the pain, before it becomes more tolerable. It is necessary for the treatment, but it is not nice. Transfer of embryo to womb is much nicer, and much happier, and isn't painful (unless something has gone dreadfully wrong). I'm hoping I never have to go through that again, but I will if the frozen ones don't take or we don't conceive naturally for the second pregnancy.
I NEVER thought about just. SEEING the embryo before it's implanted... that is SO COOL!! PLEASE tell me you include that picture in the baby pictures album 😂
I started with this video, watched the recent Malaysia vlogs, then watched the entirety of the Baby/Family playlist and now I'm back! All your content has been delightful. Thank you for sharing so much about yourself across the internet while creating the most wholesome and lovely community 💖
This is a wonderful video. I don't want kids, and mostly already knew all the science stuff, but I could listen to and watch the wonderful person all day.
Thank you for talking not only about adoption as a first choice - adopting older kids from care has been my plan since I was about nine, though we never managed it during my marriage and I'm trying to start the process again - but specifically mentioning sibling groups. It's so hard for them to find a home, and it's heartbreaking to read the profiles talking about how they hope to still get to see their siblings after adoption. I notice that in some of the larger sibling groups, there's mention of an older sibling who already aged out, and I know very few people who are aware that an adult still can be adopted. Sadly, it is not an option everywhere for LGBTQ+ couples and individuals, but I urge everyone reading this who is eligible where you live: look into adoption from care. In many areas, the cost are partially or even fully underwritten by government because it is considered in society's best interest for the children to have forever families.
I love all the info! The only option I don't really agree with is the surrogacy one. Due to some ethical issues it's not legal in Sweden, and I can't say I don't agree with that law. Commercial surrogacy is problematic in many ways, and even though altruistic surrogacy is way better there's still the risk of the person acting as the surrogate doing it because they feel as if they have to, or getting second thoughts later in the pregnancy or at the birth of the baby. This of course makes it harder for couples or people that doesn't have the opportunity to get pregnant themselves to have children, but I hope that new options will continue to come! For example, in Sweden, there has been some discussion about maybe making it a possibility that a child should be able to have more than two legal guardians/parents. Something like that would definitely open up the possibilities of more family variants, no matter the sexuality or gender identity of the parties!
Agree with you! We need to expand past the colonial nuclear family dynamic, there are many other family dynamics and options, including surrogacy where the surrogate is actually treated as a rightful member rather than a sow. It's illegal in CAN as well unless you go the altruistic route, which isn't all that more ethical...we have websites and groups for "searching for women who will carry" usually with zero info on what their expectations are for maintaining the connection between the carrying mom and the receiving mom/receiving parents, carrying mom and her baby, carrying mom and the potential other children already born/adopted/present in the family, so on so forth. It's heartbreaking and nauseating to read. I read somewhere "the cure to infertility isn't someone elses baby, it's therapy" and while that's a really broad statement that isn't as applicable for surrogacy, it really struck me how much we don't think about the kids in these procedures. I've been reading on this subject for months now as I am mulling over the next steps in life and gotta tell you, didn't expect it to be this difficult 🫂 preconception also isn't much of a thing! yergh. Have a good day, thank you for sharing your experience in Sweden!
Jessica, where were you this morning in my yr7 science lesson, it's puberty and reproduction time in the curriculum, they definitely would listen to you🤣
You know what? As someone with the whole uterus and friends system who shares your discomfort with that one unnecessarily popular (in medically-assisted fertility circles) i-word - honestly, it makes everything between my ribs and my knees knot right up in mildly disgusted 'no thanks, closed for business' - while I really dislike that word, when it's you speaking I'm actually pretty fine with it. You truly have an ability to make a viewer feel cheered up and okay even when talking about frustrating topics. (I'm one of those people who needed exactly one attempt, by the way. Worked out well for me in this instance. Could be very inconvenient in... other contexts)
Thank you for your research and video. Very educational. I wish my biology teacher taught us this but I was in school in the 90s, so I learnt much later from my rainbow friends. All the best for baby no. 2 xx
In Scotland, things started changing in 2009. That was when the verdict was given on a court case brought by lesbians seeking medical intervention to conceive. It was ruled they had suffered indirect discrimination based on their sexuality, and should be able to have the right to free IVF treatment.
@@lafidala.1726 I don't understand your confusion. IVF is expensive, but the same opportunities to have a baby were often denied to non-straight couples, thus making it discriminatory. Hopefully the doctors don't go straight to IVF, but instead do tests, and find out the best way forward for each person trying to conceive. Go for the least invasive form first, and work your way up.
My husband and I are a straight couple, but we weren't having any success getting pregnant. After a lot of testing we found out that he isn't able to have biological children, and started looking into donor sperm. We started with IUI as it's cheaper and less invasive than IVF, and I got pregnant on our very first try. Unfortunately I had a missed miscarriage at 7 weeks and lost that baby. We had two more IUI rounds, but neither was successful. At that point we only had one vial left so decided to try IVF. We got two viable embryos. We did a successful fresh transfer just before Covid shut everything down. When he was 11 months old we had our final embryo transfer. We had decided that if it didn't work out we weren't going to try again, but it was also successful. Now we have a son and a daughter. We were very lucky with our success rates. Three pregnancies (even though one was lost) from five attempts was better than we had hoped.
The best thing we can do is to start to ask hetero couples how their children were conceived. It's the only way they'll learn that such a question is as irrelevant as it is inappropriate, and maybe a few of them will see how obnoxious such questions are when _they_ ask them.
One thing I've noticed is a very interesting difference in the social expectations; Whereby people who don't have disabilities are expected by society to reproduce while people with disabilities are often expected not to reproduce.
Hi Jessica! I'm catching up with some of your past videos since I have been in a fertilization process myself for several months so haven't been watching. Nice to see this content! In my case, being lesbian and also single, I did IUI with a sperm donor 3 times and got pregnant in the third try. Currently 13 weeks pregnant and happier than ever ❤ Ps: The procedure itself wasn't that expensive, around USD 225. What was more expensive was the sperm donation, around USD 290 each. It surprised me since I thought it was gonna be quite more expensive (I'm in Uruguay btw)
A friend and her husband had to go the IVF route and it took ages but they eventually had a baby boy. Then wham bam she got pregnant naturally and had a baby girl just before their son’s first birthday.
Great video! Amazing how much you managed to include while keeping it easy to understand. I would love to see a collab with you & MamaDoctorJones - she's an ObGyn who makes loads of fun content on here
Okay, so this is supremely off topic for the video, but I just had to say I love, love, love the outfit in this one. Your fashion choices are generally on point, but this dress/top/whichever is exceptionally lovely. Anyway, I hope you have a great rest of your day.
Great video! Interestingly, in Australia we don’t have a sedative for egg collection we have a general anaesthetic, but it’s only 15 minutes or less. IVF in Victoria Australia is in the process of being subsidised by Medicare- regardless of sexual orientation but I think dependant on financial status. Adoption in Australia is not really an option for most as it requires fostering children with the (extremely small) chance of adoption. It means many years of fostering with the children returning to their parent/s at intervals to try and reunite the biological family. We have a biological parent centred approach which has its pros and many cons. Adopting a child with high need disabilities is easier. Foster parents are in high need, and like you were saying about adoption in the UK is open to any sexual orientation, low income, single status, and anyone above 21.
Who knew that reproduction could be so interesting and entertaining? They should show this video in schools, but they won't because 'Gay' . I learnt more in this half hour than in biology class . 😎
Our son was our last chance at IUI, we had only had 6 vials of sperm. My partner had been sick that week and we figured there was no way it would work, so we were planning on IVF next. But it turned out she had got pregnant. Since then, she's found out that lots of her cishet friends also went through IVF. It's like suddenly they don't mind talking to her about it, but before she went through it, it was all secret. Its a weird club to belong to!
This is when you are lucky to be in the UK. My wife and I will be going the home insemination route due SOLELY to cost. Currently, only 17 states require health insurance companies to cover fertility treatments, my state is not one of them and a lot of times it DOES NOT extend to same sex couples. The average cost of IVF is between $10 - $15,000; although because it can take MULTIPLE cycles for it to stick, I've known both cishet and same sex couples who have spent $30 - $50,000 during the entire process. Many companies here offer financing and loans for this, but because we both have about $40,000 in student loan debt each, we aren't able or comfortable tacking on an additional $30,000+ for a baby. Especially considering the average cost of raising ONE CHILD is currently sitting at $300,000.
I'm glad you mentioned other LGBT+ im child free asexual. Just the whole thing about relationships and the s word anyway I'm not against others having kids. It's up to them at 3:05. I also think its where and how your brought up n live.
Why do we always say 9 months when full-term is more like 10 months? My mom told me she thought that It might be because it's 9 months after you notice you miss a period (back from when we didn't have simple medical tests to know exactly when a pregnancy started). Anyone have further info?
I think 9 month is the averaged out number. Some have it shorter, some have it longer. However, if you combine all the results that fall into the range of norm, it's going to be 9 month.
It's also that while a full-term pregnancy is 40 weeks, you aren't actually pregnant the first two (approximately), because it starts counting after your last period.
Or just want to give kids accurate procreation education that goes beyond the Cis-Het focused unaided method. Many of these methods of family making can also be for the "straights" that find the "natural" means not being as productive as intended or wish to substitute a genetic portion for whatever reason.
before i was born, my mom was a bit worried about conceiving because her and my dad waited more than 5 years after having my older brother. then when they stopped using birth control and tried once, my mom knew within days that she was pregnant again. she said she could feel something was different in her body and the test showed up positive before she even missed a period. it seems to me that sometimes it can take time (it took them almost 6 months to conceive my brother and they were a cishet couple in their mid 20s) and other times it happens when you least expect it.
here in France surrogacy is illegal (I wanna say it was because of an old law where there can't be any monetary exchange for a child or something like that, but I might be wrong), currently the laws are being challenged because they are seen as discriminatory to those that can't carry a child of their own either (cis women with no uterus or no working uterus, trans women, male gay couples, etc), we'll see in a decade or so if these laws change or not, for now couples/people, that need a surrogate have to do so out of the country, and at least the laws here in France have changed so that a child born through surrogacy is considered the legal child of the intended parent/s
In the UK it's illegal to be paid to be a surrogate. All UK surrogates are voluntary. With health care being free there aren't many costs involved with being pregnant.
@@Ana-ko9px because they want to help someone have a baby. A significant amount of people in the UK do still agree to be surrogates in spite of the law limiting pay 💁♀️ Having said that, I wouldn't be surprised if the US has more people sign up because of the money hahaha
My sister adopted 4 children out of foster care, 3 were siblings. Later on , she adopted the biological child of her adult middle daughter Her children range in ages to 34 , 32, 28, 28 and her youngest is almost 8
My understanding of full versus partial surrogacy logic is that if the egg is not from the woman carrying she is a full substitute for the pregnancy process (provides the oven for the cake only). If the provides the eggs also then she is not 'only' substituting the oven she's also providing half the ingredients to the cake being baked. So she is not regarded as a 'real fully' surrogate but as a partial one cause she's also a donor.
You could do iron arms because they tend to be a bit cheaper and you don’t have to worry so much about how do you ship them you could have personal designer versions, and people could simply iron them into shirts or whatever and you could look for if you wanted local artists to do mock ups of the pins and other things that you like, you know, normally used to to have in your store in different parts that could make it may be more cheaper for people in those parts of the world so they don’t have to pay so much in Tax and customs it’s just an idea I’m an artist, so I tend to think out of the box even though my hands are not currently working very well. Are used to do a lot more at work. I’m trying to do things I’m trying to work with my hands, even though they’re not exactly working well, I’m using voice to text right now I’m hoping this is coming out correctly. Currently my eyesight is not what it used to be either like I said you could design or have you if you have designs that are yours do you have the colour eat the copyright or whatever on it, you know you could Offer people to print them out for themselves and make their own buttons or their own T-shirts by sending them you know what transfers as transfers and that’s cheap and that you don’t pay taxes on well not import anyway at least I didn’t have to because it’s that cheap and when I say cheap, I don’t mean the quality of the item is cheap I mean it’s cheaper than trying to send clothing and stuff through the mail I hope I make myself understood. If this helps you can send me a thumbs up.
In Norway you have to disclose to your child if they are donor conceived as early as possible and one donor may only be used for six families. The donor is not paid anything except expenses for travel and such. You cannot choose the donor as an intended parent and they can't look any different than your traits. Meaning if you're both white, you cannot have a donor that is of another ethnicity. All couples and single cis women can have three rounds of IVF covered by the government. You have to pay a bit of a Copay, but it's very cheap compared to going private. Something to keep in mind for people using danish donors is that there are very few banks in Denmark that have a global cap on how many families one donor might donate to, so I would choose one that has a global cap as it is something a lot of donor conceived people advocate for.
Sweden have kinda the same rules but its only in sweden so the donor can be used by alot more families internationally. Also the siblings dont have a right to know eachother and donor at known at 18 and not at birth.
My partner and I are trying to get custody of my foster sisters younger brother. We also plan to foster/adopt sibling groups. Currently not planning for bio kids but if we did, we talked about my eggs in their body, because the idea of being pregnant freaks me out...
The nice thing about being a bisexual woman with a womb is if you're in a wlw relationship, you can just choose a guy friend to be Uncle Dad to have children. It's quite convenient.
As a bi romantic asexual, these are all great options to have. It is possible I may end up with a sperm carrier but as "the old fashioned way" is not on the table, knowing my options is amazing.
This is fascinating to learn how many ways there are to concieve a child out of a traditional cis-het couple. I am asexual and have some genetic stuff that I really don't want to pass on to hypothetical children in the future.
TIL the NHS pays for IVF (I would have thought a national healthcare system would stay out of this area completely, paying only for general wellness visits and in the event of a pregnancy, prenatal care). Seems like an awfully expensive area for any national healthcare system to take on, as opposed to general illness and wellness issues that happen by chance or genetics.
I'm hoping to have a family of my own and because of my medical problems :i would need a test tube baby or if I conceived naturally, frequent checks by geneticists to see if the egg has the same gene as mine (pfieffers syndrome 50/50 passable). I was sporadic, meaning neither my sperm doner (father who was never involved in my life) and my mother (great lady whose done a wonderful job of raising 2 on her own, me and my older sister) have the genes/chromosomes for my condition. Hugs. I'm a transgender male but I've decided not to have bottom surgery so I can carry if I chose to come off Testosterone for a period of time. I'm not in a rush right now: i am 25 now so I hope to at least had kids or tried by the time I'm 40 lol. Xx
I do believe some forms of bottom surgery allow for carrying & birthing naturally! Meta and vagina-preserving phallo, if I remember well? Worth asking your doc or check if you have a local queer org that could expland on this so you know all your options ♡
My one comment on adoption is that you need to be aware of adoption trauma and what adoption might mean for your family. If you aren't prepared for therapy, mental health issues, or the like then I'd recommend looking into something else!
![Breakfast at Tiffany’s is queerer than you think [CC]](http://i.ytimg.com/vi/dLH7AKn-ZWM/mqdefault.jpg)
I have a friend who's a lesbian, and she and her wife had a friend of theirs act as a donor. They wanted their child to be able to know their father, and the family friend is gay and wants to remain childfree, so it worked out really well; he has fun being a godfather, but has no desire to raise a kid. Like you and Claudia, it took a while and a few tries before conception happened, but now they haven an adorable little girl.
that’s actually very nice
That's wonderful 🥺
Donor-conceived baby here, through IVI! Within the last five years, I have met roughly ~30 (for anyone who has followed my stories about being DC in the comments here before... lol we found more!) of my half-siblings from my donor's side. Some of us come from LGBTQ+ families; others were conceived due to fertility issues. My family was in the second camp. I was lucky in that my parents were always open with me about my DC status, and it was treated with openness and normalcy, but many other DC folks have really struggled with feeling lied to by parents who didn't disclose to their children that they'd used a donor to conceive. Videos like this, that frankly discuss how things work, can help de-stigmatize conversations around fertility that some families (like mine!) really benefit from having. Thank you for putting all this work into this! ✨
That is so cool that you have been able to connect to so many! And how great that your donor was able to help so many people have children.
What an interesting story you have! Really helps redefine what we (many of us at least) were taught about what "family" means.
I thought there was a legal limit for how many times a donor can donate? I heard somewhere that it's 10 maximum. Unless it was a different country?
@@AwesomeSpyro depends on the country. Also the sperm is often from danmark. So while each country has a limit, most Danish banks don't have a global limit.
@@SamarkandChan there should be a limit for biological reasons
Adoptee here. Remember adoption is always an option too :) one thing I love about families that are started through adoption, donors, etc. is they’re built on love, and kids grow up knowing their parent(s) really WANTED them because they worked hard and did everything they could to start a family
I spent most of my younger years fending off people badgering me about "Have kids--you'll regret it when you're older." In my sixties, sure don't regret it. I'd love to see people free to have a preference about having/not having kids without everybody chiming in with their opinion why you should/shouldn't. Imagine that--freedom of choice without being shamed.
I have 3 daughters and adore them, but I don't think anybody should have a baby if they do not want to be a parent.
Tbh people who are or feel forced into having kids are usually terrible parents
@@emmie1977 If for some reason I ended up with kids, I'd do my best, but I had a very abusive childhood and I never EVER wanted to even accidentally repeat some of what happened to me. My husband was good either way about having kids, so we opted out.
i can't wait to have kids but i totally see the appeal of not having them. it gives you the freedom to prioritize yourself and what makes you happy in a way that parenthood directly opposes. having the opportunity to do anything you want with your time seems so liberating. i think some people forget that there are things in life just as fulfilling as caring for children.
Fertility is so varied. My friend got pregnant while on birth control. After that she got paranoid and only had sex with condom while on birth control. The condom broke ONCE... and she got pregnant again.
My cousin spend years trying with her husband, timing when and how they did it... to finally get pregnant.
That's one thing so many people don't understand who get knee-jerk about reproductive rights and tell people to "just keep your legs closed" and rude comments like that. Apart from everything else wrong with their snark - such as their stupid assumption that all unplanned pregnancies occur from promiscuity - there's the fact that a person can use one or more forms of contraception and still end up pregnant. Vasectomies can fail. Tubal ligations can fail. Condoms, IUD's, diaphragms, injections, and implants all can fail, sometimes in conjunction. I have a married friend who was failed TWICE by _permanent_ contraceptive methods. In both cases she and her husband decided to proceed with the pregnancy, but she will share her experience willingly anytime and anywhere she finds people making snap judgments about unplanned pregnancies.
Wow, your friend must be incredibly fertile!
Just want to say as a cis, straight, het adoptive parent, The best of luck to anyone who wants to make a family so much they willingly pursue any of this. Your child will know one thing from day one. You wanted them so much and loved them before you met.
My husband and I are trying. Adoption has always been our first choice. Seeing everyone tell people “just adopt” definitely dont know how difficult it can be on its own (at least in the US). Our first adoption fell through 💔
Thank you for the sweet and thoughtful words!
@@missionquestthingHow painful that must have been. I hope that if you have not yet been successful in adopting, you have at least looked into adoption from foster care. Children available for adoption within foster care have such a hard time getting a forever family, especially if they aren't babies anymore, while people who've only ever heard about private adoption think adoption is inherently expensive, not realizing that many states underwrite most or all the cost of adoption from the care system.
This is not just great info for LGBTQ+ people but also for people with disabilities who either would experience a high risk pregnancy or don't want to pass on their genetic disorder, as I'm sure you're well aware of given your disability. I've decided to be child free as I've gotten older, but back when I thought I would want kids in the future, I thought about different surrogacy options since I have a genetic bone disorder and a spinal cord injury. In America, a partial surrogacy is called "traditional" while a full one is called "gestational", which may be one of the very few American things that makes more sense than the British thing.
Exactly and its a service that the UK offers to very high risk populations, like the British Pakistani community that does a lot of cousin marriage and is seeing a large number of especially intellectual disabilities as a result. They're being offered genetic counselling, so genetic testing and then advice on the safest way to have a child. Completely optional as is their decision on what then to do. A lot are starting to make use of it
If you're in Stardew Valley, a Stork Witch has a 10% chance to leave a baby in an open crib, every night after your spouse asks if you want them 😉
Hahahahahaha YES!
Pregnancy should be like that. No nausea, no swollen feet, no labour...just one they you wake up and there's a baby.
@@Haghenveien I don't know, I'd find that pretty horrifying. There should at least be a countdown.
The anticipation! 😅
@@Haghenveienas to at least one part of that, the Tony-winning Lily Tomlin-Jane Wagner show _On Stage_ had a character who observed, "If I sound contemptuous of nature, I am. To think we have the garment industry to thank for the zipper concept when it would have come in so handy for childbirth."
Fun fact - I went to my NHS GP when I wanted to get pregnant. They had no idea what a preconception appointment was, did no check of my reproductive health, and googled which medications I had to stop taking if I got pregnant. It was an incredibly disappointing experience.
That's so bad. Like, that's basic information a GP should know!
Like, in contrast, a friend of mine works with pretty strong chemicals and her GP worked with her workplace safety officers to figure out what accommodations needed to be made for her. I feel like that should be the way to go about it, even if most people won't need such a specialist approach.
Typical NHS
When I said I wanted to try for a baby my GP had a chat with me over the phone, talked through medications I was on etc which was nice. However, once I actually got pregnant I was really disappointed by the NHS. My GP's receptionist told me that GPs "don't do pregnancy" and gave me a number for midwives. I called them up, and they booked me in for my first appointment to be 10 weeks later. So... for the first 10 weeks of pregnancy you're just left on your own. No check / test to confirm you're pregnant. No initial health check. No advice on how to have a healthy pregnancy, do's and don't etc. They just expect you to google that and hope you get the right information and don't miss anything. If you're anxious, especially if you're pregnant for the first time, it would be so reassuring to be able to chat to a GP or midwife about it in those early weeks... but nope, nothing. I miscarried in the end anyway, but even if a lot of people do, surely a good healthcare system would prefer to offer support to pregnant people in the early weeks if they want it. Nope. We need to fund the NHS more.
Jessica and Claudia, I’m keeping my fingers crossed and sending you lots of “positive” vibes for baby number 2! So exciting!
Jessica, have you considered getting a sauna? Based on your description of how the heat in Malaysia helped your pain, I wonder if a sauna would be a worthwhile investment for your family.
Without the context that followed in the second sentence, that first sentence hit so weird in the context of commenting on a video about conception. 😂
You should read Being Seen by Elsa Sjunneson. She's deaf/blind and was the planned child of a lesbian and a gay man (who ultimately died of AIDs) it's a memoir and it's brilliant
I immediately downloaded the audio book, thanks for the recommendation!
Thank you for the recommendation! ❤️
I love the "you may not have these three ingredients" presentation. That's just such a perfect distillation of the issue. Thank you, Jessica, for continuing to be a wonderful person with brilliant insights. :D
I watched your We Have a Surprise video the day it posted, and cried all the way through it. You sneaky content creator, you. It was a privilege to watch your journey to Rupert. Best of luck in 2023!
I knew I wasn't the only one who heard that!
Because this is what my sense of humor is nowadays
Q: How do lgbtq+ people make babies?
A: Very carefully and vigorously
Touché
"Intentionally"
I'm bi in a cis-het passing couple and I'm pregnant with our first baby. I'm due in August 2023. I'm happy for you that you are trying for baby number two. They will have wonderful parents and an amazing big brother!
Congrats!
Hello! AFAB, nonbinary, bisexual, (probably) aromantic who wants to start building a family in seven or eight years here! My first choice wasn't mentioned in the video: Embryo adoption/donation. While I do want biological and traditionally adopted children at some point in my future, being able to have my first child be the result of me giving birth to my adoptive child fills me with joy. For genetic mental health reasons, I don't personally want my first pregnancy to be filled with concerns that my child will inherit my mental health stuff while I'm figuring out how to navigate said pregnancy. I also like the idea of having a friendship or acquaintanceship with the donor parent(s) that would be harder to orchestrate if I used a donor egg and donor sperm.
I've actually been researching embryo adoption/donation for the past few days and it's some fascinating stuff! The only downside I'm finding is that a lot of embryo adoption agencies use their religious faith to discriminate against queer people. Not all agencies are like this, but I've been having to dig to find the good ones. If anyone knows of some non-discriminatory embryo adoption agencies in the US, let me know!
If it's called "embryo adoption", the organizations tend to be more religious-leaning. Try looking for embryo donation organizations instead! I think there's a few, but they're not as big. You can also look for embryo donation programs at your local or any other fertility clinic (every clinic makes its own rules and not all allow contact between donors and recipients, though), or look for people who want to donate their embryos online. Many people do this in facebook groups and then draw up a private donation contract.
Oh my gosh, that's fascinating! As a fellow aro who's considering having children and has done copious also recreational research into pregnancy related topics, I actually never considered that before, hot damn.
I don’t think this is a thing in the UK
@@TheYasmineFlower Thank you! Do clinics that provide embryo donation do background checks allow for a donor and adoptive parents to meet each other prior to any resulting child(ren)'s 18th birthday(s)?
@@honorcollins6962 it is kind of a thing, as Jessica mentioned, you can go through IVF and not have the donor egg from the same person it's being transferred into. It's not a known thing, but you can do it. It's often done if the person wanting the baby has congenital issues that won't affect them carrying the baby but will affect the baby.
It's also sometimes done in lesbian couples in a way, where one donates the egg to the other to carry, so the genetics are from one parent, but the epigenetics of being carried by the other also play a part. Which I find very beautiful and sweet.
Honestly really cool of you to speak at the end about how there are people for whom adoption is their FIRST CHOICE.
I'm not in a couple as I'm aromantic asexual but I am one of those people. I know in my gut that if I were to have a child, I would adopt. Primarily because I don't want to be pregnant. No shade to those who do. I respect you. I just couldn't and don't want to go through it personally.
Jeepers! I majored in Biology and did not expect the excellent coverage on the problems combining DNA from like gametes. You nailed it beyond the level of detail I expected.
Jessica is the reproduction teacher we all needed.
(Props to Megan and Whitney!!!)
Props to them indeed! 👏
I was adopted. Everyone has always said how much I look like my dad and act like him. (I’m a girl) and are always so shocked when I tell them that we are not blood.
My youngest cousin on my dad's side is adopted, and honestly? If you didn't know, you'd NEVER guess. M looks like he absolutely should be biologically related to both of his parents. And the few features that don't directly match his adoptive parents are very much features that run in one or the other family. It wasn't planned at all. My uncle and aunt were simply looking for any child that needed parents that the agency would send their way. As far as they can tell, M has no genetic relationship with them. It's so very odd and cool.
When I was in middle school my classmate was our science teachers son by adoption. But he looked soooooo much like her. Sometimes love just shines through.
I have a stepdad that people always say how similar we are 😂 and I always forget when stating medical history that I don't need to include my step family 😁
My partner and I are one of those lgbtq plus couples that can and did have a baby the old-fashioned way. He's a cis man, and I'm trans masculine and AFAB, and we have a seven and a half month old daughter who was made after about 2 years of trying. I also have a five-year-old (who was a surprise), and I'm hoping that we can have another around 2025 or 2026, if my health allows it.
Good for you!
Polyamorous lesbian here. My primary partner is marrying someone else and they want kids. I am so excited to be the cool auntie. At first we were considering me being the surrogate, but it turns out my depression is so bad that being off my antidepressants for 9 months (plus while trying to get pregnant, whatever shape that takes) would probably result in me not being alive anymore. I'm kinda a mess without my meds. Anyway, they want a house and kids, I want to travel the world and come and go and help people and animals. We've agreed I will be the cool adventure aunt who pops in and out in between world travels, and because they're gonna have a part time nanny, I'll still get us time with my girlfriend (partner? What would describes us?). So yeah, I can't wait to take their kids to watch space shuttles launch, or bring the kids to a pow wow or give them a fez from the last traditional camel wool fez maker in Morocco. More people should become cool aunts and uncles. Teach them to drive. Bring them to the zoo when their parents are working from home. Bring them to farms and show them where their food comes from, and teaching them to cook. I'm excited. But mostly excited about not having to raise them full time. Decided that I'll help with night shifts until the potential future child is sleeping through the night, but I don't want the full time responsibility. So like a nanny that makes out with the mom when she's not sleep deprived.
I think you make a good point about people being the cool aunt/uncle. My brother never had any children and he is a really great Uncle! Like he is shockingly good at it. At first I felt bad that he never had kids, but eventually I realized he didn’t want to be a Dad, he wanted to be the fun/cool/generous uncle and grandpa! (His long term girlfriend has grandkids that he absolutely loves to do things for them.)
Honestly the role of “surplus sometimes caregiver” is probably the evolutionary basis behind non-heterosexuality to begin with. Loads of social animals have non-reproducing adult roles within their groups.
Cute!
I have some disability/chronic illness related pregnancy advice: if you have a specific condition, try to find out if your hospital has a pregnancy clinic for it. I have Crohn's disease and I found out, completely by accident, that my UK hospital had a combined gastro/obstetrics clinic. I was able to go there before conceiving and meet with a consultant from both sides as well as an IBD nurse for advice. They also supported me throughout the whole pregnancy. It was a brilliant medical experience which really stands out as most of my experiences have been pretty awful 😅
Adoption has always been a valid option for me. One of my childhood friends was adopted in middle school, and it was life changing for her mental health.
For a long time I was convinced (by cishet ideals) that I wanted to be a parent, but with the potential inheritable issues, I worry about unintentionally stacking the deck against my poor sprog. That, and my partner isn’t sure he wants kids, but that’s a discussion we can put off once our living and monetary situations are more stable.
Jessica, perhaps Rupert has so many of your features is some kind of generic placebo effect?! Love it. My own family consists of one cis woman and one trans women, with our two children being made at home in the traditional way, but a couple that pass as a lesbian couple (sapphic but not necessarily lesbian), that happen to have two kids that are both genetically our own 😂
I just have to thank you for your "we're pregnant!" vlog. The honesty there was so comforting, especially with early bleeding. I must have watched it 8 times in my first 12 weeks this winter!
I love this. You delved into the subject, offered more information than they wanted, used terms with which they may not be familiar, and put into your presentation subtopics that, almost in a religious way, are assumed to be reserved solely for cis sexual conversations. Make them squirm! Power to you!
This is definitely the unofficial sequel to Jamie and Shaaba's fertility options video, down to the sound effects!
It's interesting as a cis het woman realising that these other paths to motherhood may suddenly be part of your journey. I had my first child 6 months ago and I had hyperemesis (severe pregnancy sickness) from 6 weeks up until birth. It's the most scary and debilitating condition I've ever experienced. Our baby is such a blessing, but as far as me and my spouse are concerned, my uterus is not a viable ingredient for any future children!
A friend through who went through hyperemesis gravidarum in her first pregnancy became a major awareness emissary as a result. To this day I can't entirely fathom that she nonetheless underwent two more pregnancies, both plagued by that same horrible condition, despite being aware of _and an advocate for_ other approaches to family-growing, including adoption. Mystifies me. I could maybe understand going that route if it were the only way to become a parent, but when it's so very much _not_ the only way, it seems a strange choice to make particularly coming from someone who freely admits the agony made her even more sympathetic to those who choose to terminate a pregnancy. Her husband from everything I see is the kind of person who would have gone along with anything she wanted and that regard, not the kind of person who insists, "We have to go this route."
Jessica, I love you and your content, but I would like to respectfully ask you to please reconsider the phrase “start a family” when you mean “have children.” I know it’s very common for those two phrases to be used interchangeably, but that does a disservice to all the families out there who don’t want (or can’t have) children. My wife and I hope to have a child in the near future, but we are already a family of two, and having a child will simply add another person to the family. I’m sure you (and most people) don’t mean anything rude by it, but it would be more accurate and inclusive if we as a society stop equating “family” to just that one particular configuration. ❤🌈
this!!! as a childfree person, i'm always so disappointed to see that most people will never consider my partner and i (and our cats) as a family...
I agree! My wife and I are a very happy family. And I know friends who consider themselves family, too.
This is such an interesting point, thank you for bringing that up 🫂 You are right. There are many different kinds of families!
Full surrogacy as a term makes sense if you think of the word surrogacy with the meaning of "substitution".
Full surrogacy is when the gestational carrier is substituting the egg donor, so we have a full substitution of everything taking place. Sperm donor, egg donor, and womb donor are three different people, so "full" surrogacy.
The terms 'Gestational Surrogacy' versus 'Traditional Surrogacy' are generally preferred over Full and Partial, though.
All my best on your baby-making journey this year, Jessie and Claud! We'll all be rooting for a sibling for Rupert!
I know it s not with a bad intention but I hate this type of comments.... sometimes it doesn t work out
Rupert is sharing relentlessly, the excitement of all that he's discovered. Good luck 🥰🥰🥰 (its a fine dance.. how to keep them excited amd sharing cuz the world has so much cool stuff to it, while also keeping sanity )
(Long time listener, first time caller - just wanting to say that yes, the hycosy is great BUT don't worry if it's difficult to schedule - especially if there is only place in your area that does it. Bodies and cycles are weird. Also, IT IS THE WORST PAIN I HAVE EVER EXPERIENCED IN MY LIFE. I say this not to scare anyone, but to let people who also experience pain that they are not alone. Like many of these procedures, 'some discomfort' is a very broad term. It picked up on issues that nothing else did and meant that we could go straight to the procedures we needed to instead of trying things that would most likely never have worked)
I'm an IVF (ICSI) baby here. My parents are straight but struggled to get pregnant. It took a few rounds but I'm an alive person now. I am apparently the 100th ICSI baby born, but I don't know if that's world wide or just in Australia. Its wild. I have a picture from when I was like three cells big.
It's wonderful to have all of these compiled in one video! Thank you for all the work researching these
Best of luck to you Jessica and Claudia on your baby making journey this year! And of course to anyone else who may be trying to conceive in 2023
Having been through IVF, just to add that egg collection is usually done under anaesthetic (mine was not due to a preexisting condition regarding the anaesthetic itself), but it will be painful. Once the anaesthetic has work off several hours later you will be in quite a bit of pain, and not want to move, or do anything. If you didn't have anaesthetic you'll be in a hell of a lot of pain for a few hours where walking will seem like an immense struggle through the pain, before it becomes more tolerable.
It is necessary for the treatment, but it is not nice. Transfer of embryo to womb is much nicer, and much happier, and isn't painful (unless something has gone dreadfully wrong).
I'm hoping I never have to go through that again, but I will if the frozen ones don't take or we don't conceive naturally for the second pregnancy.
This, and some places have ""accidentally"" emptied peoples egg reserves to the point they could not conceive naturally afterwards 💔
I NEVER thought about just. SEEING the embryo before it's implanted... that is SO COOL!! PLEASE tell me you include that picture in the baby pictures album 😂
7:12 “fanfiction though-!” Jessica stop I’m in TEARS 😂
Straight gal here, but we are now more than 3 years in the process... So hopefully baby in 23. 🤞
I started with this video, watched the recent Malaysia vlogs, then watched the entirety of the Baby/Family playlist and now I'm back! All your content has been delightful. Thank you for sharing so much about yourself across the internet while creating the most wholesome and lovely community 💖
This is a wonderful video. I don't want kids, and mostly already knew all the science stuff, but I could listen to and watch the wonderful person all day.
Thank you for talking not only about adoption as a first choice - adopting older kids from care has been my plan since I was about nine, though we never managed it during my marriage and I'm trying to start the process again - but specifically mentioning sibling groups. It's so hard for them to find a home, and it's heartbreaking to read the profiles talking about how they hope to still get to see their siblings after adoption. I notice that in some of the larger sibling groups, there's mention of an older sibling who already aged out, and I know very few people who are aware that an adult still can be adopted. Sadly, it is not an option everywhere for LGBTQ+ couples and individuals, but I urge everyone reading this who is eligible where you live: look into adoption from care. In many areas, the cost are partially or even fully underwritten by government because it is considered in society's best interest for the children to have forever families.
I love all the info! The only option I don't really agree with is the surrogacy one. Due to some ethical issues it's not legal in Sweden, and I can't say I don't agree with that law.
Commercial surrogacy is problematic in many ways, and even though altruistic surrogacy is way better there's still the risk of the person acting as the surrogate doing it because they feel as if they have to, or getting second thoughts later in the pregnancy or at the birth of the baby.
This of course makes it harder for couples or people that doesn't have the opportunity to get pregnant themselves to have children, but I hope that new options will continue to come!
For example, in Sweden, there has been some discussion about maybe making it a possibility that a child should be able to have more than two legal guardians/parents. Something like that would definitely open up the possibilities of more family variants, no matter the sexuality or gender identity of the parties!
Agree with you! We need to expand past the colonial nuclear family dynamic, there are many other family dynamics and options, including surrogacy where the surrogate is actually treated as a rightful member rather than a sow.
It's illegal in CAN as well unless you go the altruistic route, which isn't all that more ethical...we have websites and groups for "searching for women who will carry" usually with zero info on what their expectations are for maintaining the connection between the carrying mom and the receiving mom/receiving parents, carrying mom and her baby, carrying mom and the potential other children already born/adopted/present in the family, so on so forth. It's heartbreaking and nauseating to read.
I read somewhere "the cure to infertility isn't someone elses baby, it's therapy" and while that's a really broad statement that isn't as applicable for surrogacy, it really struck me how much we don't think about the kids in these procedures. I've been reading on this subject for months now as I am mulling over the next steps in life and gotta tell you, didn't expect it to be this difficult 🫂 preconception also isn't much of a thing! yergh.
Have a good day, thank you for sharing your experience in Sweden!
Jessica, where were you this morning in my yr7 science lesson, it's puberty and reproduction time in the curriculum, they definitely would listen to you🤣
Loving the title 😍
I'm ftm and want to adopt one day ♡
You know what? As someone with the whole uterus and friends system who shares your discomfort with that one unnecessarily popular (in medically-assisted fertility circles) i-word - honestly, it makes everything between my ribs and my knees knot right up in mildly disgusted 'no thanks, closed for business' - while I really dislike that word, when it's you speaking I'm actually pretty fine with it. You truly have an ability to make a viewer feel cheered up and okay even when talking about frustrating topics.
(I'm one of those people who needed exactly one attempt, by the way. Worked out well for me in this instance. Could be very inconvenient in... other contexts)
I think its so sweet how Rupert is learning sign language and knows exactly how to communicate with you vs with Claudia, truly adorable🥹💗💗
Thank you for your research and video. Very educational. I wish my biology teacher taught us this but I was in school in the 90s, so I learnt much later from my rainbow friends. All the best for baby no. 2 xx
In Scotland, things started changing in 2009. That was when the verdict was given on a court case brought by lesbians seeking medical intervention to conceive. It was ruled they had suffered indirect discrimination based on their sexuality, and should be able to have the right to free IVF treatment.
I don't understand that as IVF is incredibly expensive and now taxpayers pay for that...
@@lafidala.1726 I don't understand your confusion. IVF is expensive, but the same opportunities to have a baby were often denied to non-straight couples, thus making it discriminatory.
Hopefully the doctors don't go straight to IVF, but instead do tests, and find out the best way forward for each person trying to conceive. Go for the least invasive form first, and work your way up.
In the medical field but just love how Jessica explains things so here and watched the whole video.
Oh my GOODNESS your outfit!!! (Top? Dress) I know black isn’t your favorite to wear but black and those dark pinks look gorgeous on you ✨
I really enjoyed the sound effects you add to your explanation. ❤ Very scientific.🤓
My husband and I are a straight couple, but we weren't having any success getting pregnant. After a lot of testing we found out that he isn't able to have biological children, and started looking into donor sperm.
We started with IUI as it's cheaper and less invasive than IVF, and I got pregnant on our very first try. Unfortunately I had a missed miscarriage at 7 weeks and lost that baby. We had two more IUI rounds, but neither was successful.
At that point we only had one vial left so decided to try IVF. We got two viable embryos. We did a successful fresh transfer just before Covid shut everything down.
When he was 11 months old we had our final embryo transfer. We had decided that if it didn't work out we weren't going to try again, but it was also successful.
Now we have a son and a daughter. We were very lucky with our success rates. Three pregnancies (even though one was lost) from five attempts was better than we had hoped.
The best thing we can do is to start to ask hetero couples how their children were conceived. It's the only way they'll learn that such a question is as irrelevant as it is inappropriate, and maybe a few of them will see how obnoxious such questions are when _they_ ask them.
Congrats on trying for another baby this year Jessie & Claud!!
"The 2 week wait" *sucking air through teeth* "oh it kills ya", that face and sentiment portray exactly what it's like.
One thing I've noticed is a very interesting difference in the social expectations;
Whereby people who don't have disabilities are expected by society to reproduce while people with disabilities are often expected not to reproduce.
Hi Jessica! I'm catching up with some of your past videos since I have been in a fertilization process myself for several months so haven't been watching.
Nice to see this content! In my case, being lesbian and also single, I did IUI with a sperm donor 3 times and got pregnant in the third try. Currently 13 weeks pregnant and happier than ever ❤
Ps: The procedure itself wasn't that expensive, around USD 225. What was more expensive was the sperm donation, around USD 290 each. It surprised me since I thought it was gonna be quite more expensive (I'm in Uruguay btw)
A friend and her husband had to go the IVF route and it took ages but they eventually had a baby boy. Then wham bam she got pregnant naturally and had a baby girl just before their son’s first birthday.
The same thing happened to my cousin and his wife!
Happens quite a few times. Pregnancy seems to reset everything. Turn the womb off and on again lol
This was such a great video! So much amazing information.
I died laughing when you cut yourself off about fanfiction though 😂.
Great video! Amazing how much you managed to include while keeping it easy to understand.
I would love to see a collab with you & MamaDoctorJones - she's an ObGyn who makes loads of fun content on here
I was thinking the same myself. MamaDoctorJones has already been in contact with Shaaba and Jamie.
Okay, so this is supremely off topic for the video, but I just had to say I love, love, love the outfit in this one. Your fashion choices are generally on point, but this dress/top/whichever is exceptionally lovely. Anyway, I hope you have a great rest of your day.
This was a wonderfully informative video! And also your dress is amazing!
Great video! Interestingly, in Australia we don’t have a sedative for egg collection we have a general anaesthetic, but it’s only 15 minutes or less.
IVF in Victoria Australia is in the process of being subsidised by Medicare- regardless of sexual orientation but I think dependant on financial status.
Adoption in Australia is not really an option for most as it requires fostering children with the (extremely small) chance of adoption. It means many years of fostering with the children returning to their parent/s at intervals to try and reunite the biological family. We have a biological parent centred approach which has its pros and many cons. Adopting a child with high need disabilities is easier. Foster parents are in high need, and like you were saying about adoption in the UK is open to any sexual orientation, low income, single status, and anyone above 21.
And then there's the informal gay adult adoption route which means I've got over five children in my late twenties XD
Sorry but what is informal gay adult adoption?
@@logo9470 The "OMG, your parents suck ass I'm taking you under my wing now"-option
@@Rhaifha oh thank you! You must be a very caring person
2:03 You might like to hear that there are now also lesbian penguin couples hatching eggs and raising chicks.
I love the way you speak about these different methods. Thank you!
Who knew that reproduction could be so interesting and entertaining? They should show this video in schools, but they won't because 'Gay' . I learnt more in this half hour than in biology class . 😎
Our son was our last chance at IUI, we had only had 6 vials of sperm. My partner had been sick that week and we figured there was no way it would work, so we were planning on IVF next. But it turned out she had got pregnant. Since then, she's found out that lots of her cishet friends also went through IVF. It's like suddenly they don't mind talking to her about it, but before she went through it, it was all secret. Its a weird club to belong to!
This is when you are lucky to be in the UK. My wife and I will be going the home insemination route due SOLELY to cost. Currently, only 17 states require health insurance companies to cover fertility treatments, my state is not one of them and a lot of times it DOES NOT extend to same sex couples. The average cost of IVF is between $10 - $15,000; although because it can take MULTIPLE cycles for it to stick, I've known both cishet and same sex couples who have spent $30 - $50,000 during the entire process. Many companies here offer financing and loans for this, but because we both have about $40,000 in student loan debt each, we aren't able or comfortable tacking on an additional $30,000+ for a baby. Especially considering the average cost of raising ONE CHILD is currently sitting at $300,000.
I'm glad you mentioned other LGBT+ im child free asexual. Just the whole thing about relationships and the s word anyway I'm not against others having kids. It's up to them at 3:05. I also think its where and how your brought up n live.
Excellent video. On an unrelated note, it would be cool if Jessica did a collaboration with Lily Brasch about being glamorously disabled.
I can listen to you talk all day long
Why do we always say 9 months when full-term is more like 10 months?
My mom told me she thought that It might be because it's 9 months after you notice you miss a period (back from when we didn't have simple medical tests to know exactly when a pregnancy started).
Anyone have further info?
I think 9 month is the averaged out number. Some have it shorter, some have it longer. However, if you combine all the results that fall into the range of norm, it's going to be 9 month.
It’s because each month is about 4.3 weeks so it’s 40 weeks not 10 months. I hope that makes sense.
It's also that while a full-term pregnancy is 40 weeks, you aren't actually pregnant the first two (approximately), because it starts counting after your last period.
Or just want to give kids accurate procreation education that goes beyond the Cis-Het focused unaided method. Many of these methods of family making can also be for the "straights" that find the "natural" means not being as productive as intended or wish to substitute a genetic portion for whatever reason.
before i was born, my mom was a bit worried about conceiving because her and my dad waited more than 5 years after having my older brother. then when they stopped using birth control and tried once, my mom knew within days that she was pregnant again. she said she could feel something was different in her body and the test showed up positive before she even missed a period. it seems to me that sometimes it can take time (it took them almost 6 months to conceive my brother and they were a cishet couple in their mid 20s) and other times it happens when you least expect it.
Thank you for this video, it's very educational!
I also agree with you about surrogacy - the terms should be the other way around!
here in France surrogacy is illegal (I wanna say it was because of an old law where there can't be any monetary exchange for a child or something like that, but I might be wrong), currently the laws are being challenged because they are seen as discriminatory to those that can't carry a child of their own either (cis women with no uterus or no working uterus, trans women, male gay couples, etc), we'll see in a decade or so if these laws change or not, for now couples/people, that need a surrogate have to do so out of the country, and at least the laws here in France have changed so that a child born through surrogacy is considered the legal child of the intended parent/s
In the UK it's illegal to be paid to be a surrogate. All UK surrogates are voluntary. With health care being free there aren't many costs involved with being pregnant.
@@jennivamp5 why would someone want to be pregnant without money for it
@@Ana-ko9px because they want to help someone have a baby. A significant amount of people in the UK do still agree to be surrogates in spite of the law limiting pay 💁♀️ Having said that, I wouldn't be surprised if the US has more people sign up because of the money hahaha
Had no idea that surrogacy is illegal in a country as progressive as France 😮 🤯
Is IVF also illegal in France or just surrogacy?
My sister adopted 4 children out of foster care, 3 were siblings. Later on , she adopted the biological child of her adult middle daughter Her children range in ages to 34 , 32, 28, 28 and her youngest is almost 8
My understanding of full versus partial surrogacy logic is that if the egg is not from the woman carrying she is a full substitute for the pregnancy process (provides the oven for the cake only). If the provides the eggs also then she is not 'only' substituting the oven she's also providing half the ingredients to the cake being baked. So she is not regarded as a 'real fully' surrogate but as a partial one cause she's also a donor.
Yet another brilliant video, Jessica xx
You could do iron arms because they tend to be a bit cheaper and you don’t have to worry so much about how do you ship them you could have personal designer versions, and people could simply iron them into shirts or whatever and you could look for if you wanted local artists to do mock ups of the pins and other things that you like, you know, normally used to to have in your store in different parts that could make it may be more cheaper for people in those parts of the world so they don’t have to pay so much in Tax and customs it’s just an idea I’m an artist, so I tend to think out of the box even though my hands are not currently working very well. Are used to do a lot more at work. I’m trying to do things I’m trying to work with my hands, even though they’re not exactly working well, I’m using voice to text right now I’m hoping this is coming out correctly. Currently my eyesight is not what it used to be either like I said you could design or have you if you have designs that are yours do you have the colour eat the copyright or whatever on it, you know you could Offer people to print them out for themselves and make their own buttons or their own T-shirts by sending them you know what transfers as transfers and that’s cheap and that you don’t pay taxes on well not import anyway at least I didn’t have to because it’s that cheap and when I say cheap, I don’t mean the quality of the item is cheap I mean it’s cheaper than trying to send clothing and stuff through the mail I hope I make myself understood. If this helps you can send me a thumbs up.
Jessica, that dress is STUNNING!
TIL I learned that CODA child sign to avoid between just as much as Talk. that is adorable. and I make that face too.
My LEAST favorite "subtle" Question my wife & I get: Which one of you carried? (THAT IS STILL ASKING WHICH IS THE REAL MOM)
In Norway you have to disclose to your child if they are donor conceived as early as possible and one donor may only be used for six families. The donor is not paid anything except expenses for travel and such. You cannot choose the donor as an intended parent and they can't look any different than your traits. Meaning if you're both white, you cannot have a donor that is of another ethnicity. All couples and single cis women can have three rounds of IVF covered by the government. You have to pay a bit of a Copay, but it's very cheap compared to going private.
Something to keep in mind for people using danish donors is that there are very few banks in Denmark that have a global cap on how many families one donor might donate to, so I would choose one that has a global cap as it is something a lot of donor conceived people advocate for.
Sweden have kinda the same rules but its only in sweden so the donor can be used by alot more families internationally. Also the siblings dont have a right to know eachother and donor at known at 18 and not at birth.
@@iknowyouwanttofly so you ship the sperm out of sweeden?
My partner and I are trying to get custody of my foster sisters younger brother. We also plan to foster/adopt sibling groups. Currently not planning for bio kids but if we did, we talked about my eggs in their body, because the idea of being pregnant freaks me out...
The nice thing about being a bisexual woman with a womb is if you're in a wlw relationship, you can just choose a guy friend to be Uncle Dad to have children. It's quite convenient.
As a bi romantic asexual, these are all great options to have. It is possible I may end up with a sperm carrier but as "the old fashioned way" is not on the table, knowing my options is amazing.
This is fascinating to learn how many ways there are to concieve a child out of a traditional cis-het couple. I am asexual and have some genetic stuff that I really don't want to pass on to hypothetical children in the future.
TIL the NHS pays for IVF (I would have thought a national healthcare system would stay out of this area completely, paying only for general wellness visits and in the event of a pregnancy, prenatal care). Seems like an awfully expensive area for any national healthcare system to take on, as opposed to general illness and wellness issues that happen by chance or genetics.
I'm hoping to have a family of my own and because of my medical problems :i would need a test tube baby or if I conceived naturally, frequent checks by geneticists to see if the egg has the same gene as mine (pfieffers syndrome 50/50 passable). I was sporadic, meaning neither my sperm doner (father who was never involved in my life) and my mother (great lady whose done a wonderful job of raising 2 on her own, me and my older sister) have the genes/chromosomes for my condition. Hugs. I'm a transgender male but I've decided not to have bottom surgery so I can carry if I chose to come off Testosterone for a period of time. I'm not in a rush right now: i am 25 now so I hope to at least had kids or tried by the time I'm 40 lol. Xx
I do believe some forms of bottom surgery allow for carrying & birthing naturally! Meta and vagina-preserving phallo, if I remember well? Worth asking your doc or check if you have a local queer org that could expland on this so you know all your options ♡
Surrogacy is not legal in many countries unfortunately. In Germany, we don't have that option
Ty for mentioning people who don't want kids cause they don't like them. Sometimes, it's not that deep.
My one comment on adoption is that you need to be aware of adoption trauma and what adoption might mean for your family. If you aren't prepared for therapy, mental health issues, or the like then I'd recommend looking into something else!
Omg Mom is trying to tell us where gaybies come from arrrrrrhhhhhhhggg.
Do you think artificial womb and cloning will make things easier?
Woah so crazy cool that got to see Rupert at 5 dpo!