I'd like to share a story with you and your viewers, if I may: I was the one who discovered my girlfriend after she had passed in her sleep. My initial reaction was shock, as you can imagine. But after calling 911, what I did next was to sweep the floor, then begin to wash the dishes. For the next week, I went into robot mode, while working with her sister on funeral arrangements, and cleaning out her apartment. I never shed a tear during that week. When all was done, I was driving back to my house, and suddenly felt nauseous. I was barely able to pull over and get out of the car before emptying my stomach. After that, the floodgates opened wide. A very kind and understanding police officer pulled up behind me, and after determining the reason I had pulled over, told me he would wait in his car to ensure my safety, and to let him know when I was alright to resume my drive. It took about 15 minutes, and he never left. I have never forgotten the kindness he showed to me. For me, this crying was cathartic.
Sorry for your loss. I think crying when grieving is part of the letting go. I think that not being able to cry during the grieving process can lead to incomplete grieving and other problems eg drinking to numb the pain etc and other destructive coping strategies. Personally, I have always grieved alone and would not want to do this in front of another person.
@@sarasimm6668 Thank you. I also have borne my grief in solitude. I guess we all must grieve in our own way, but some will do so in a self-destructive manner.
@Ben Hackett My condolences. There can be no worse nightmare for any parent. Both of my sons are now in their 30's and quite healthy, but I'm still thankful for each day I have with them. My big pup, seen in my avatar, is now 11 years old, and I will most likely outlive him. I've no doubt that when he takes his last car ride, the tears will flow.
99% of the time I cry is when I am alone. My family is abusive. Narcissists and cruel. I am just figuring out how I feel so disconnected from them I am because I have figured all this out after it had loomed over me for years. Meaning I am alone because I am not married or have children. I cry because I am alone and don't have the sense of security of family. It's scary but so are they.
YES, I am right there. I know what you mean about the aloneness, no spouse or children. In this current society, isolation seems to have become even more widespread. Thank God I was at someone's home last night having dinner. We were discussing how people feel more isolated in this current framework of society. Yes, and if your family is known by you to be cruel, of course you will keep your tears to yourself.
Maybe you should stop blaming your family and finding fault with others? Why do you feel so entitled to the energy, attention, and others trying to understand you? You sound like the classic borderline who probably should be on an involuntary psychiatric treatment order, receiving high doses of antipsychotics. No rational individual would ever want to be even in a casual relationship with you, much less be deluded enough to marry or breed with you.
@@j.h.miretskay3430 Why do some people like you attack bpd's I mean I dont get it.. If someone has a family that is disordered, then of course they would want and wish for more caring and understanding..its known that this first environment is the cause of most disorders. Did you have a single BPD person who hurt you..? Because you should know that they're not all the same.
My boyfriend has BPD and the poor guy cries so easily, I feel so bad but I will always love him unconditionally. He's amazing and I hope he can get better. I hope you all do. Bpd is so sad to witness in someone.
@@lapofranceschini9584 as someone who had a friend with bpd, people with it as any other person can break their own hearts easily, you shouldn't force another human to be with you (theoretically) just because you have a diagnosis.
Obviously he's a tad bit on the sensitive side did he lack a father figure does he cry to get attention does he know how to act accordingly when he wants something
@@ryanreagan6073 men with BPD still have emotions, the PD is about emotional instability/ hyper reactive even if helped in many cases. Also many cases high percentage of trauma and abuse. Not a gender issue and how it presents in different expressions of the range of emotions
Thank you for speaking to that aspect of depression where you can't cry. It's a terrible thing to go through and, it's hard to explain, but makes me feel a little bit more seen which is rare with this stuff.
I take care of a 44 year old woman with BPD comorbid with bipolar disorder who says she doesn't ever cry. But she really cries all of the time - she chokes it back. I've seen it a thousand times and always wonder who taught her that that was strong. I think it's a weakness. Thank you Dr Grande! 🌹👍
BPD with hyper reactivity - Until I found about BPD, I thought everybody has the same level of emotional distress as me and I'm just not strong enough to process it. You can't know what you never had such as more stable state of mind. BPD with crying - I usually cry alone. Whenever I cried, I was severely belittled, mocked and reprimanded by my mom so I greeted my teeth not to cry in front of others since I was 7. For almost two decades after that, it was one of my toughest struggle not showing my tears to other people. Well, I cried quite a bit in front of my ex-boyfriends though but I still cried alone a lot more. When I was a teenager, I almost cried alone every night after being badgered verbally by my mother and brother. I usually find crying alone helps me feel better. Without crying, I might not be here any more.
Growing up, I cried a lot for "stupid" reasons, even though I knew they were stupid reasons, for the most part. I felt so weak and pathetic before I got the help I needed. This continued well into my 20s, and it makes me wonder if I'd been misdiagnosed with depression rather than BPD. These days, my antidepressants make me rather numb, and I find it difficult to cry, even when I actually try to.
I grew up in the day of ‘stop crying or I will give you something to Really cry about era’ so I am glad more people are feeling their feelings and crying. Maybe we will finally move into a more empathic and healthy society 🌸
Me too. I cried when I was 4. Then forced myself as my dad got lowered in the hole. About 30. Then my moms ugly death at 44. Maybe 5-7 days a week for 2 years for my mom surviving real death. Family everyone there. Fake and real thanksgiving. Ect. + 4 hard hits in same month. Aunt friend dog ect death. Wife gone temp. lost house. Ect. Now I’m better but constantly accuse wife and feel I have no purpose. The aggressiveness just like he said. My center knuckle is swollen big right now at least a week from accidental reinjury, work related. Original injury is from hurting my tormentors. I’ve always been told by close friends, mother and wife all my life. I even let things go just to prove it’s not me, when Ghandi, Mr. Rogers, Mother Teresa and Jesus would of KO’d that assho. Then I feel guild and less than a man.
Same. It's so damaging for a child to associate their sadness with their parents getting aggressive and yelling at them for crying. Then when you experience the same from an abusive partner later in life
Sure, my mom used that phrase on us but then she would walk around the house sniffling w a red nose from crying about whatever perceived slight we did to her as kids. I would go in my room and feel HORRIBLE for "making" her cry. Yes, I turned into a ppl pleasing doormat who went to therapy for 30 years and finally diagnosed myself.
Because the large things are too overwhelming. The moment we can actually cry the body is already in an energetic flow state. When we are overwhelmed we shut down.
Crying is a release of powerful emotions so when a actual tough time happens you may not be ready to let it go while crying right away... important issues take more time to get to the point where you can let yourself release the emotions thru tears
that's a huge sign of BPD I think! My ex who has BPD used to cry about the smallest things! No one would cry about those! So I thought this girl would never breakup with me coz she's so soft hearted! But boy I was wrong! She ghosted me for no apparent reason! Apparently, she was leaving her abusive parents for me. But then I got ghosted out of nowhere! She changed her address and disappeared. I thought her parents did something awful to her. But luckily I know a person who saw her the very next day after she ghosted me. She seemed happy and she told them that she was going for a vacation! BPDs are insane I feel like. She left me 8 months ago! Thankfully I am regaining my sanity. I almost lost my career, goals and ambitions because of her. But gladly she left!
I prefer to cry alone because when I cry in public I feel vulnerable. And I also don't like to draw much attention to myself. I feel like people are silently judging me as I express strong emotions of any kind.
I am okay with the tears; people intuitively pick up on how genuine we are. It's the rage that scares me. And it isn't a selfish rage, it's a rage at injustice of any kind towards us and others. It doesn't take a leap of imagination to understand where that desire for fairness came from. I will take my tears of suffering and joy any day over the cold, emptiness of the narcissist.
I worked at a therapist office and certain therapists seemed to diagnose people with BPD more than others and sometimes it seemed to be more of a reflection of the therapist than it was of the clients (although I could obviously be wrong because I’m not a therapist and I wasn’t in session with them) but one lady in particular couldn’t get along with like half of her caseload and diagnosed about half of her clients with BPD and even accused me of somehow purposefully giving her the harder clients and giving the therapist across the hall the good ones . . . Good times . . . I don’t know how I would have possibly done that to her on purpose. The people would only talk to me on the phone for two seconds and I would fit them in the schedule where there was room . . .
@@tdmccoy1211 And yet when you bring this up with a good therapist the tendency is to focus on your own sh*t and not report them. Patients apparently are not to be trusted when in fact we are likely the best judges of what's a good therapist. Mayb not of anything else, LOL, but therapists, yes.
This is far too common! I I'ive in the British isles. Don't get me started, I always say " their still just human beings " Oh & yeah they sure do flock together! Keep ya mouth shut & smile or else... Seen it & dealt with it many times, too many. After near 20 years & I'm now only now starting the required help due to the push of 1 health care workers. It drained me so bad, number 1 rule guys, never call ya Dr \_key workers out... Your life is in their hands an they know it!
I’m a BPD victim, I cry on a daily basis some days are regular crying others are uncontrollable crying and they sometimes come out of no where. I just get this overwhelming emotion to cry.
You're not a victim, you being here today makes you a *survivor!* Keep fighting the good fight, I cry on a regular if not daily basis as well and it's not easy.
PAIN! It's the PAIN, Dr. Grande. I just hurt sooo much sometimes. And feel so low to the ground, like flat. Also, I tend to just seem to need to cry, like, if it's been a couple/three/four weeks and I have not cried, I will probably have a massive cry at somepoint soon, over a commercial or animals going extinct, but bawling even though I might not feel depressed. But on the BPD, if I am subclinical on it, then, I'm calling it, that it's the PAIN OF BEING.
I experience a lot of pain too, which causes me to cry and also it's lead me to self harm too, just to try to turn the pain physical so it wouldn't b so bad in my head
Exactly or to happiness so fast from cryin/angry...but my ex gf had both bipolar and Borderline personality disorder...i only gave her positive support...i only wish i didn't become so attached to her well being that i didn't get blindsided when she cutt me off and got someone new so quick that was the male version of me
@@moarroz My Codependency was definitely part of her attraction to me. Fortunately I've learned more about myself after our relationship than I ever would have otherwise.
@@ella17734 BPD is a severe mental health illness so I can't imagine how painful it is; Sadly my EX-girlfriend didn't want to seek treatment so it made everything else more difficult. Comorbidity is common with BPD so finding the right balance of treatment can be tricky too. My entire experience with her was beyond toxic yet I will always wish the best for her.
My mother is diagnosed with BPD, I found some of what you said to be true. In regards to crying, my mother can not handle ANY kind of distress, Distress with cause her to break down in hysterical crying. She also has no perception of how her crying affects others, growing with her as an adolescent and adult, I got so used to and numb to her Crying outbursts, I eventually just ignored it, she would often call me cold and ask me why I never cry....I do cry, I just do it in private. As I've gotten older and learned more about BPD, I can see that her perception of the world and expectation of other people's reactions is not "Normal" at all...Great Video, Dr. Grande. Thank You
🎶Everyday I have to cry some, everyday I have to cry some, dry the water from my eye some. Everyday I have to cry.🎶 I never clicked on a notification so quick, this is relatable and relevant to me.
When I think about my ex telling his 4 year old son to "stop crying, we don't cry", I want to fucking scream. If I couldn't cry I would break things and hurt people. Crying is an amazing release of tension. I feel flooded with calm after a good sob session. It's essential.
Tears release stress hormones from the body. I've learned that tears actually have stress hormones in them. If not released they can be harmful to the body.
I have a complicated relationship with crying. I call myself "a crier" and I am very forthcoming with this in new relationships (of any kind, not just romantic). I have always been empathetic, and have cried at movies, tv, and books since I was a small child. I also cry when a friend is hurting, or when I hear of something awful on the news. When I was pregnant, anything remotely sentimental would make me cry. That being said, I absolutely hate having people see me cry. There are 3 reasons for this. 1) when I was a child, literally every time I cried in front of my father, he would threaten me. "Stop crying, or I'll give you something to cry about." Every. Single. Time. 2) My mother was a teacher, but directed church choirs and was slowly getting her master's at night, so my grandparents would watch me at least one evening a week. When I was very small, I would start to miss my mom, and I would cry. My grandparents would never comfort me. Instead, the would laugh and mock me, saying, "awww waaaah, i want my mommyyyyy". Incredibly immature for two people in their 60s. 3) in my first serious relationship, my boyfriend accused me of trying to manipulate him when I started crying during a fight. Because of my family's reactions to my crying, I had never even considered using tears to manipulate a situation. I was so shocked by the accusation. So, as a sort of preemptive measure, I announce my tendency to cry early on, and treat it almost as a personality quirk. "Hi, I'm laura, and I'm a crier. Everything makes me cry, so don't be alarmed. I've cried at sandwich commercials!" That being said, I do my best to not cry in front of anyone, unless I'm in such a distressed state that I can't help it (I have major depression and generalized anxiety disorder with panic attacks). Most of the time, i cry alone. And if I'm around people, I try to never "sob" and quickly wipe away tears. When i am very depressed, I do have periods where I can't cry. It is an indication to me that my depression has gotten very bad. As I'm never fully symptom free, even with medication, this indicator can be helpful, because it means i need to see a professional. The inability to cry is one of the most emotionally frustrating feelings I've ever experienced. Because I'm used to frequent crying, not being able to do so feels like a system failure. The desire to just let loose is overwhelming at times, and it can become physically painful. This has only happened a few times in my life, and the first, and longest period was followed by a total meltdown and serious suicide attempt. I can also control crying, to a certain extent. I am a classically trained singer, and I have sung at the funerals of all of my grandparents and my parents. I also gave the eulogy at both of my parents' funerals. I was able to keep from crying during those points. Well, thanks for letting me overshare! I hope some people who may read this can relate to some of my experience in crying
I have been diognosed with BPD. I do all i can to not display emotions. Crying and getting angry was severely punish when i was growing up. I will still not cry in front of people and especially do all i can to not display anger and even punish myself for feeling angry. I was relentlessly bullied at school and even as an adult and if i couldnt prevent myself from crying it proved to the bully that they had won. I do experience emotions strongly. But battle really hard to not show or say how i feel. In fact my self harm behaviours, also kept hidden, are done to reduce the strength of the emotions.
oof giving flashbacks of 13-15 year old me I'm 17 now I honestly cant tell what's wrong with me genuinely but ig ill find out but I probably either a HSP, or have ADHD or BPD idk and this made me think of how I cried in class in 9th grade for like the beginning to middle then how I wiped my tears and resumed my happy mode as if I was never sad like I genuinely know that the whole class will forever think wow she's crazy smh...and I cried because a random teacher yelled at me(Adults/Authority instantly remind me of being yelled at by parents idk plus it was about something so dumb he didn't yell it was more like speaking in a stern voice it just felt like he was) I more so cried because I was mad I couldn't react and instant sadness that I had done what ig was wrong smh and def cut when I had anger issues from I think 10-13 I only stopped because it wasn't helping and left scars plus I knew if anyone found out especially family they would think I'm crazy or bad just instant guilt (lol actually they found out 2020 and still not in therapy my mom even asked if my brain worked normally with a worried face almost as if she never saw the signs(I remember when I was younger I would cry a lot and yell and tell her I wanted to die when I said that I was crying on my knees I completely remember how I had yanked my mouth open using both hands scratching my gums and yelling I wanna kill myself in tears I was I think 10-13 she was very different then now that she gave birth to her third child shes more open minded and generally more there for me but it just feels a bit too late and nobody remembers or even thinks about what they said in the past to make me the way I am I sorta speak in a metaphor kinda way so its like everything I say is a red flag but their not paying attention or understanding all I get is whats and questions smh)and then proceeds to say ive never known anyone who actually do this woww and tries to push a why out of me to this day idk ig I was mad and wanted a distraction from it idk I just cry and be mad on the inside and sometimes will be passive agressive ig I also did overeating from time to time hmm 10-15 was a crazy time for me honestly now im 17 soon to be 18 and cant wait to get away from everyone and everything like get in a car to a desert and just chill and think abt life there and comeback when I feel like it(I know life isn't like this but imagine if you could be anywhere in peace without any worries and nobody to hurt or stress out or disappoint it would be really nice)It's not their fault they think its just teenage hormones and stress but it genuinely feels deeper than that and its almost as if i'm filtering for them how much I show to them i'm sooooo sorry to overshare lol this'll probably be the only time i'll type my feelings out anyways~
Dr.Grande someone gave you a thumbs down for making them cry 😢. I however found your analysis spot on. My wish is they consider your feedback in the next DSM.
G๏dWᎥη IRTEHMOFO - hmmmm Maybe some people in their childhood have been hit hard for crying. So there are thoughts of self unworthiness for crying. I noticed there are people who degrade other people who cry publicly. Why would it make an observer angry or frustrated simply seeing a stranger cry? Are people afraid of looking at grief? I wonder if it hooks into their sadism.
Yes I would love to here tht one too ! As I am one ,but doc I think would just say it was a highly sensitive thing from alot of truma ,with PTSD and depression it's really hard to tell ..
I have BPD and found this interesting. I’ve struggled my entire life with this in addition to some other issues. I am definitely a cryer. Listening to you speak about how others may react to someone crying, I thought about my own experiences. I don’t notice other people’s reactions to it. I’m crying so I just cry and go about my way. I truly couldn’t control or stop crying. It just happens. I may try to disguise it, but I don’t really care what someone thinks about it. No one has ever been unkind or judgmental.
"Lachrymal apparatus" is an interesting and amusing term, unique in my experience. Once again, you've expanded my vocabulary. It should be fun trying to introduce that one into the conversation. Let's see: This beautiful music is stimulating my lachrymal apparatus. --I'll work on it. Edit: Watching the news these days can send my lachrymal apparatus into overdrive. -Who among us truly understands her or his lachrymal apparatus? -The sad truth is that parental, familial, and societal responses, negative or even nonexistent, can cause small children to deactivate their lachrymal apparatus, which often distorts their perceptions for decades. -This actress was well known for having easy access to her lachrymal apparatus; in other words, she can cry on cue (or, should the movie express a bourgeois sensibility, she can weep at will). -Imagine a world in which people feel free to make responsible use of their lachrymal apparatus.
I have BPD and rarely cry... at times I feel the need to force myself to cry to release certain emotions and I do it alone, you would have to do something extreme to actually make me legitimately make me cry or the death of a loved one.
I’m borderline and bipolar too and I feel like I am angry about something or at someone everyday as well. I swear I don’t go a day without raging in my head. But I also cry a lot.
@@reigndelacore2060 Ah. This is very interesting. I cry in similar circumstances. As I can best explain, it is almost a ritualistic process. It cannot be something cliche. It has to be something I haven't felt any thoughts towards in a long amount of time. I also have no facial expressions when I cry. It is a forced process. My Therapist related it to a Shallow Affect. I wouldn't say sensation seeking is an aspect of it, but that does occur on occasion.
Really? I have both kinda (BPD and schizoaffective disorder) and I'm rarely angry. Occassionally in my manic/mixed phases I'll get a little irritated, but that's it. I wonder why the discrepancy.
Oh am I second?? haha. Great video Dr. Grande! My friend has BPD and she cries a lot. Shed admitted to me that she does it to keep people from leaving and to make them feel sorry for her.
Also have a friend with bpd and he cries to manupilate and when he is angry or because he his sad but never did see him cry out of compassion... for others or himself. Self pity is why i did see him crying when not manupilating or angry.
Person with bpd here. I cry often and when I feel it coming on and another person is present I try everything in my mental,emotional and physical power to NOT cry and not let anyone know I’m crying or upset, especially my boyfriend. I cry bc I’m overwhelmed, confused, feel helpless,feel threatened, feel abandoned, hurt, angry, etc. I understand you didn’t mean to say that every person with bpd cries to manipulate but I’m just here to tell you that I would give anything for the crying to stop. I can’t stand it. I wish my emotions didn’t overwhelm me. I would give anything to go a whole week without crying.
In 2003 I cried everyday for 10 months, I had 3 dIssociative identity for 3 days in a row, never again. I was hospitalized for a week and diagnosed with major depressive disorder. It took me 6 months after I got out of hospital to stop shaking inside!! Love your channel!!!!😊
Crying is *also* a symptom of certain (typically untreated) seizure disorders. And there often is *no* catharsis. Thank you for another excellent video, Dr. Grande! 🐯
I was diagnosed with BPD. I literally never cry. But, I used to when I was younger. I do not do well in romantic relationships so, I stay alone a lot. It is possible to correct your behavior with any personality disorder.
I would love to see a video about lying/deception. Specifically, the different reasons for lying a lot, what makes someone a good liar and some info about what lies are i.e. the what happens in a person's body/mind when they are lying.
All my ex did was lie..even when they promised they would try harder. Or even lie..they were 'Better' Anything to draw you back in..just to Abandon you. I see similarities to Narcissism.
I’d like this too. I have heard some really crazy things that indicate lying. Things that almost sound magical or fantastical, but apparently they’re legitimate tells. That’s such an astonishing thing to me. Like you’re in the presence of a soothsayer or something.
i've been diagnosed as "Uni-polar" and PTSD. after years of therapy, the best healing was done while crying..deep crying...a LOT of crying...it's a way of letting go and it feels wonderful. i haven't watched your video..i'm responding to your title.
What about Empathic types who 'Feel Alot?' They could be 'Cryers' too,being extra-aware and 'Feeling' or 'Understanding more' situations,whether watching films,reading well-written literature,or just empathising with other people's experiences?
I agree with being empathetic- I am to the point it’s crippling. Manipulation and lying I’m not understanding, maybe because that doesn’t resonate with me?
I have BPD and it always feels like there’s a huge body of water supported by a weak dam that cracks and floods at the slightest pressure. I cry at least once a week, usually multiple times. Crying of sadness, laughter, joy, anything really. I can’t control it whatsoever and the amount of times it has happened in public is embarrassing. I feel like a baby.
Im a diagnosed borderline about 2 months into treatment. Im a dude, and yes I well up all the time but usually bottle it up (less with my treatment). The feelings, anger and anxiety, including sadness, are intense and lead to yelling, panic, and yes crying...Including a mixed feeling as mentioned.
I think I'm borderline personality disorder, but I put it down being a boxer, and then an actor - both jobs that demand a lot of persona creation. At drama school they tell you to speak with a posh accent so you don't get typecast; in boxing they tell you to keep a poker face, to never give away you're hurt or scared. In acting you explore your inner emotions, in boxing you don't show emotion. Not during the fight anyway. So I had all these contradictions going on, I kind of lost my core identity. my base persona. And in the end I really had no idea who or what I really was. The whole notion of identity became nebulous, without moorings as it were, I think my core identity is shy and withdrawn, but I've acted up so much to overcome shyness, I appear gregarious, even over-confident. Then other times deeply anxious and depressed. Sometimes feeling like a fraud, never being the real me, or not even knowing what the real me is. Any kind of profession that demands you to get out of your comfort zone, to find the 'real you' can ironically lose the real you in a myriad of personas. Or any background that spans identities, can soon leave you in an identity crisis. We like to think human beings are complex, are made to handle contradictions, but we're not really. Most people have a set, uncomplicated identity that they never question, never put to the test. Are not so confident in who they are, but have never put themselves in a situation to question who they are. And well they might, because in spite the modern insistence that getting out of your comfort zone is a great thing to do, it probably isn't. You are probably as well accepting the box that society has made for you. You're suffer less mental illness as a result.
My old psychiatrist really struggled with giving me a BPD diagnosis. I was so ooo reactive and cried so easily. He ended up deciding it was PTSD, generalized anxiety disorder, panic disorder, and substance use disorder.
Dr Grande, your video is very interesting. A few months ago I was diagnosed with Aspergers, My doctor turned and said I’m probably BPD to because I cry so easily. I thought that was weird until watching your video. Thank you for all that you do Dr Grande
Much like my experience. Although I self DX Aspergers because therapists missed it. All symptoms apply. Every tool helps. Words are always minutes behind thoughts, thoughts fast but must explore every possible avenue of probability before choosing the best one. By the time I speak, the right moment has passed. Crying is a response to frustration and overwhelm when my body feels profound pain that may or may not be my own. Never think that empaths raised by narcissists had more fun.
The Balance of Parent (order), Child (play), ego( confidence. ) To create a healthy whole Any one in excess makes issues ? . I have cried lot and the need to meditate and learn the why’s here is essential for me ! Thank you!
Wow. Another great video. Over time, I realize more and more that the timeliness of your messages is astonishing. My history in spiritual fellowships suggests that when a Speaker is right on point for me that week, it's a sign that "when the student is ready, the teacher will appear." And when I express the timeliness of the message to another attendee, they'll often agree that it was amazing for them, too. Ditto for what I've witnessed in Codependents in Recovery meetings ... everyone's situation may be different but the core feelings/issues are always the same on a basic level. With those two thoughts in mind, THANK YOU for being such a great teacher to me and countless others right when we need it. 👌😙👍 I am so grateful! If it weren't for your darned timeliness 😣and my blind trust in a family member 😖 while straddling the line between self-care and trying to steer my loved one in the right direction before it's too late, I'd be forking over cash. Right now, please accept my sincere thanks for helping me to try to look out for both she and I. Being a true empath, your logical thoughts make what she's feeling, while she's expressing it differently, easier for me to understand. THANK YOU, Dr. Grande!
Thank you for shedding some light on crying and Borderline. I was diagnosed with BPD, at 36, and am now, 67. I cry very easily. It's, definitely, not manipulative. Tears well up, especially, when I am remembering something distressing, sad, etc, from the past, or when I'm experiencing remorse for something I did that I feel badly about. I also cry when I see suffering, in others, that I do or don't relate to. Suffering, in general, upsets me. It can get embarrassing to just start crying for no apparent reason. It just bubbles out of me like an artesian well, with no effort, on my part. It's quite automatic. I admit to feeling better after I cry. Perhaps, I cry to release the pressure of past trauma that still feels like it's happening in the here and now. I can't seem to let go if the past. Someone can say something, or I'm watching something, and I'm transported to another time and place, where I experienced something similar. Just a thought.
Dr Grande, I suffered a brain injury at age 6. A subdural hematoma that included swelling in my brain and surgery to remove the blood clot. My parents said I went from a care free little girl to in intensely emotional issues with anger among many other problems. My issues mimicked borderline tendencies although it was something I have learned to recognize and control. My anger issues have become so small it seems like a small Miracle. My question is why do you think there is so little study into brain injury and the personality issues it causes because the pain it caused my family causes me to feel guilt now. There is a guilt and shame pattern now that seems to have replaced my anger. I feel there is not near enough studies into brain injury and I’m ur opinion would u say the a personality disorder can be caused by brain trauma and is recovery a realistic outcome?
Living and especially getting older with a brain injury seems to have serious mental health complications. Yes I would like to know more about that too.
Thank you for this info. My 19 year old son cried a lot when he was in elementary school. He doesn't cry easily anymore. This info helps a lot in understanding what is and what was going on. He is in therapy and I think it has helped a lot. Ty you again for an excellent video Dr Grande! Your videos are definitely up there among my favorites. The are very informative in a logical way.
I know this is going to sound strange but i thought everybody cried (not trolling). Amazing that having a shoulder to cry on (sort of say) is more therapeutic than crying alone.
I thought that too until I had some traumatic events and fell into a major depression. One feature of this time period was being unable to cry despite knowing it might even help. Depression is a powerful illness not to let go untreated. Fortunately I did get treated, had another small trauma and dealt with it, it started the tears flowing after about 8 dry years.
I rarely cry, but I don't mind crying alone; what really bothers me is crying when others are around. I'm not talking about being choked up over something touching or sad, I'm talking about breaking down and sobbing. For me, the idea of crying in the presence of others is a nightmare.
16:25 > "BPD creates emotional situations that lead to crying" 17:35 > "crying, designed to be manipulative " Agree with the above two findings. My neighbour & also one of my three sisters (now deceased) fabricated crisis situations that force group attention to the supposed distress of the BPD person. Seems that low empathy on the effect of the whole group effect is missing. The BPD distress seems to me to be a learned response to poor parenting. Cluster B & C is taught by parental inadequacies to all the children. When funeral arrangements for either parent are done, the return to childhood pathologies happens to all family members. This is a very deep emotional process that later adulthood re-conditioning cannot avoid. My neighbour's family shows also clear nuclear family pathologies. Strict "tiger parenting" has created very anxious family systems. Any uncertainties will be created artificially, to generate an emergency system, where the goodies & baddies are clearly visible. If these extreme persons do not exist, every effort is made, until clear extreme polarity has been created. In this state of permanent anxiety & warfare, the hyper-stressed families then reach their stability of "coping", as they best know it. These BPD emotional states seem not able to be removed by any cognitive process. Much more research into social engineering is needed for these highly anxious families & communities.
Majority of my life, it was rare for me to cry. I felt like a rock, paralyzed, frozen…i had a lot that had accumulated in my psyche that I had no idea how to compartmentalize .all these weird things things had been normalized in my life and I tried to ignore how bad it all really was. I truly had no idea…borderlines are often very gullible, very loyal, very loving, and usually have specific areas where they’re very gifted /talented. They just need to tap into their body, feel the vibe happening, learn what you gotta do to get to a calm or neutral baseline, and the start tackling the next level of life.
crying for me is actually a very productive release, although I refuse to cry in front of other people. I will sometimes be overrun with feelings of hopelessness, self hatred, or thoughts that I am hated by everyone around me throughout the day, so just a lot of anxiety. Having a good cry in the shower after work or in my room after getting home will nearly always relieve these feelings. I’m not sure how or why this works but yanno
I sooo appreciate the diversity in topics discussed in your videos! You do a great job at keeping your content fresh and valuable for all kinds of viewers. I hope you’re ready for 100k subs... you deserve it!! I’ll try to contribute a topic suggestion: “how to make holding eye contact easier and natural”?
As a young professional, I cried a lot when criticized or when I didn't achieve my high standards. I was always mortified by my behavior, as emotion at work was viewed as a weakness in my mostly male-dominated field. I tried everything to stop the tears when I could feel them coming, yet nothing worked. I learned to cope by heading to a private space where no one could see me. Through the years, I became more confident in my abilities and the crying lessened. Dr. Grande, do you have any recommendations on how to stop the crying behavior (especially when its inappropriate, like at work)?
U identified it, don't take the criticisms or perceived failures as personal which leads to tears. Think of it as feedback, a mental exercise to solve. Keep it as head level, not heart level.
My father I believe has BPD. He's consistently used crying as a manipulation tactic to circumvent accountability for his abusive actions. I cut contact with him 10 years ago and life immediately and dramatically improved for me.
Diagnosed with BPD, on the assessment I started to cry in from of the lady who I never met before, since I’m in DBT now I got to know that it was out of shame and guilt at the same time and yes I have difficulty telling what I feel at the moment, most of the time I feel many emotions at the same time, which makes it so hard when it comes to observing my emotions...and describing...so DBT is extremely tough for me. And also I cry much more when I’m at that building, I know they don’t judge me, they don’t feel pity, they just accept me for who I am. I consider myself a high-functioning BPD, so outside that building nobody can see the “real” me, only the person I let close to me, which goes always as a disaster or tornado or hurricane after a while...
Thanks for another very informative video! I have a question: I noticed a potential tension between the two conclusions concerning research about cognitive and behavioral strategies in recovering from trauma and depressive episodes. On the one hand, it seems that rumination has negative effects on mood disorders, so this motivates the idea that one shouldn't 'dwell' on the worries one has. On the other hand, the notion of 'emotional processing' of trauma seems to be taken as an important part of recovery, and (if I understood correctly) it involves spontaneous and repeated thinking about the worry (so after a break up one commonly finds himself spending time getting through details of what happen many times in one's thoughts). Now, I read somewhere that one way to differentiate between rumination and the processing with positive effects is that the former is unproductive while the latter is oriented toward deriving useful conclusions for the future. This difference, even though it is clear in principle, seems to me a bit vague when applied to concrete experiences. My suspicion is that the two are actually hard to differentiate if they are two distinct phenomena at all. The idea that rumination is bad seems to work well with the overall philosophy of CB approaches (focus on the productive, don't dwell on the negative), while the idea that emotional processing is natural and important part of recovery seems to me as something more in line with psychoanalytic and folk psychological idea that 'suppressing emotions' is bad and you should 'cry it out', 'let it all out' etc. I would be very interested to hear your thoughts on this.
I was crying everyday like this before I was diagnosed with depression and put on Celexa. I've always had difficulty identifying my emotions and I got frustrated when trying to express them. When I forget a few days of my medication, I can definitely tell a difference. No body wants to be around me when I can't control my emotions.
I think perception and intensity are very key. I have bpd and I feel things very intensely and I also think I don’t perceive people’s reactions and emotions properly.
Thanks for sharing this research info, it's very interesting. My mom had Borderline PD, and would cry all the time, sometimes "binge crying", in her room for long hours, or even days. She had absolutely no awareness of how her crying affected others, other than noticing that it caused her romantic partners to avoid her, which made her cry more because she was anxious/fearful that they would leave, which they usually did... Aaand an inevitable mobius of emotional instability was put into action.
I heard that some animals cry as well like apes, giraffes, elephants and whales. Dogs cry and feel grief probably without the tear ducts triggered. But the same emotions.
Oh yes my dog cries inhis dreams and barks with feet running lying on his side...dreaming of chasing something? Wish I could see what he is seeing in his dreams...maybe not the crying ones though.
I'd like to see a comparison between borderline personality disorder and PTSD, particularly in young people emerging from extremely abusive family situations. My layperson observation is it's hard to tell from their actions if they're one or the other (or both).
I used to cry so much. I was misdiagnosed with BPD but actually have PTSD and bipolar disorder. I do have very unstable emotions but not the interpersonal problems.
If I am right , the way I understand BPD is often formed very early on in a particular stage of early development when there were some emotional needs unmet - and NOT necessarily bc or neglect or abuse either - it could be that a high needs toddler needed mama, and say during that high stakes development period, mama had a high risk infant B sibling to nurture, and as a result , this set the stage for the disorder- obviously the tendency would have had to be there , this toddler was always prone , but then If things fell into place so that the needs were withdrawn during that exact stage - it’s absolutely births the disorder , that set prone , from there- I am unsure the effects nurture/nature plays, but I do for sure know the symptoms are on a spectrum of severity - out of the 9 symptoms in the DSM - a score of 5’or more indicates a DX - but these 5’traits may be mild- where another BPD with say 7 traits , have hard core marked traits
I didn’t cry when my mother died. Rather, I went completely numb and possibly dissociative. But when I had to give up our cats to the shelter a few weeks later, I bawled like a baby all the way (which is unusual because I rarely cry in front of others, and here I was crying in front of a bunch strangers.)
I think that theory of being left without tears as an indicator for a more severe form of depression is very true for me. I've had MDD twice in my life, and in both instances, things have gone worse once I couldn't cry any longer.
How does CEN (Childhood emotional neglect) fit in here? One of the signs listed is frequent crying. I know you're covering personality disorders here. Aren't there also mental illnesses which have crying as a prominent feature? Not encouraging self diagnosis.
I've run across a few people who appear to use crying as a manipulative tactic. I can tell, because if you give them what they want, the crying abruptly ends and their mood brightens right up. Then I know I've been had.
Thank you I needed to read this. Very true I have forgotten about this because there is sooo much to remember when we interact. It's like I have to be my own therapist to manage my own mental health.
Great shirt. Very interesting about crying. Everyone is different in what makes them cry. It’s fascinating how each and every person is so different. Have a great night!!!! Well done Dr.Grande.
very interesting! thanks for the video :) This makes me want to look into other disorders like anxiety and ADHD to see how emotional hypersensitivity and crying relate to them as well.
The best movie quote I’ll never forget is from Conan the Barbarian “when the mage says to Conan’s friend…why do you cry? And his reply is “ I cry for Conan..he does not cry” you are the Conan of Doctors…What I mean is that you’re a Barbarian.
In recent dealings with a borderline client I came across this video. It makes me wonder if it is possible that borderline clients under report crying. Perhaps and interesting topic for further study.
They weren't "qualified" to misdiagnose my friend's son, saying he "didn't have BPD because only women can get it" and now her son is dead (from a suicide he committed while he was on the phone with his mom, so she would hear the gunshot in her mind every day for the rest of her life) because a "Licensed Counselor" treated the mother like she didn't know anything. I was present when a murder of my loved one occurred in Tower 1; I saw it crumble in flames on national TV, as if he were dying "in front of my face." To this day I can't get that last image out of my mind & he wasn't my own child. I think they should sue the Licensed Counselor for doing that.
At 67 years old, if I have BPD, I think this started as Aspergers female who was abused mentally and sexually from infancy, had no words for complex emotions. “She cries at EVERYTHING.” my mother wrote in my baby book. Parents treated me like I was purposely manipulating them, “blackmailing” rather than unable to express profound frustration, loneliness, grief, and physical pain when my physical systems shut down in overload.
I think 'hyperractive' response has everything to do with if it's in response to someone/something that is important or hurtful to a person. Not at all 'just in general' over reaction to everything.
I don't cry daily, not even. close. Other people assume I will cry easily and some try to make me do it just for fun. I don't though. did cry a lot as a kid. 1 no: I like being alone and kept healthy contacts, am making new ones 2 not really: recently unstable relationships in response to cultural changes and a move across hundreds of miles - but this isn't a regular pattern 3 not identity challenged: I am clear on who I am 4 not impulsive 5 not really: suicidal ideation in the past - during a life crisis - no longer an issue 6 labile: I sublimate instead of regulating, though I don't outburst, people can still tell - I say histrionic fits better (most likely to come out as very quirky humor) 7 not empty 8 not anger ridden, especially not in terms of outbursts 9 paranoid and dissociation - yes both of these a lot but it could be something other than borderline I say 2 of 9 Maybe it was worse at that crisis point in life but that was a temporary reaction and not an historic personality trend. I did cry a lot as a kid but again, that could be histrionic which is more what I was like as a kid if anything. Crying could be a lot of things - not just borderline. I think meltdowns in autism also could involve crying.
I am an HSP, I observe and internalize a lot of things around me. Even at the peak of feeling sad, stressed, frustrated or enraged, I feel like there is a system in me that tries to bring me to the state of balance/calm. I might have a storm inside, I would get quiet, isolate myself, be lost in deep thoughts, but I don't cry easily. If I cry, it means I am feeling something really really deep. That sometimes happens when I can deeply empathize with someone. And that's how I have been since childhood. On the other hand, my brother was a crier and I would see him manipulate my mother time and time again with crying spells. My mother would consider tears as remorse and genuinity. Growing up, she used to taunt me sometimes that I am heartless because I don't shed tears that often and can have a difficult conversation without raising voice or shedding tears or showing extreme emotional fluctuations. I felt very belittled, just because I don't shed tears that easily, does not mean I don't feel things. I have had many conversations stolen from me because the person on the other side started crying and as a people pleaser, I had to agree to them no matter how wrong they were. I was FP to a friend with BPD and her crying at the smallest of the inconveniences had me keep her in my life for 5 years and get emotionally abused by her over and over again. I cared for her and only wanted the best for her, but had to almost give up living my own life to meet her needs and demands, sometimes the most irrational and malicious ones. Crying is healthy, but crying for the simplist of the things can be manipulative and unhealthy.
I can't defend myself when my bf gets angry at the most trivial things - such as a suggestion to have what's at home instead of making me order in. If I try to hold my case in an argument his brain ramps up at such an intensity he goes into a nervous breakdown, sob uncontrollably and feel like committing suicide. I feel like a hostage and am trying to figure out what are his mental issues
Dr. Grande, Could you please explain the difference between sadness and depression? are they the same? I have this feeling of sadness from childhood abuse and early adult abuse and betrayed from my family and close ones. I know I am traumatized and I must have some mental disorder, but this feeling of "chronic" sadness is equivalent to depression? Thank you so much
Very interesting information. A person I am in contact with has many crying spells during our visit. I don't see tears. I don't want to minimilize what their going through. Thank you for your insights. If this person is relieved when I show empathy that might be a reason they do it. I find myself asking why. Feeling frustraited at times in this relationship.
Dr. Grande, This is another great analysis. Many interesting topics come to mind as offshoots of this. For those of us who have worked with borderlines, we may remember how the various patients presented and we may have wondered at times how to interpret these varied states we observed. Then there are those of us, ourselves, who have not cried in years who may have at points had a cry and felt different and lighter afterward. We may have felt a letting go of the past hurts through that. Thank you for this analysis. It is helpful for much reflection.
Dr Grande, Perhaps you could review a recent paper by Maja Zandersen and Josef Parnas published in the Schizophrenia Bulletin January 2019 "Identity Disturbance, Feelings of Emptiness, and the Boundaries of the Schizophrenia Spectrum". Although from the the title of the paper it would appear to deal only with Schizophrenia, it really discusses the connection of Schizophrenia with Borderline Personality Disorder, particularly related to “identity disturbance” and “feelings of emptiness". The paper also discusses concepts of "Core Self" which you have discussed previously. The paper made a lot of sense to me with respect to my own relationship with a person suffering from BPD.
I feel I do not have control of my crying. But I always cry because something negative happened even if it is something little or something I am worrying about it It is going to happen. I try to hold the crying but can not stop my tears from falling like rain. I do hate having that weakness of constantly crying.
I know someone with BPD who cries when there is really no reason for the crying such as when she is tired. Her behaviour is strange and she tries to hide the crying by leaving the room.
Don’t fall for it, it’s manipulation. She “leaves” for you or others to see and take notice that she is gone. If you ask, she will say she it doing it trying to be discrete. It’s not true, it’s for you guys to think it’s more believable. Save yourself the headache. Ignore the behaviors and don’t mention them and notice how they will either stop or become more dramatic and angry for more attention
I have BPD, I don't cry especially in front of other people... anger is my go-to emotional response publically. But I have this strange emotional response to TV, videos, even tiktoks when I'm alone... someone's dog dies and I am flooded with emotions may be a few tears and I wonder why I keep watching such heartwrenching content... it's relaxing, it allows me to feel emotions that I don't allow myself to feel around other people. I don't get that kind of relaxation from comedy or other types of content and I really wished I knew what that was called and if it's a healthy or unhealthy thing. Does anyone one else with BPD kind of compartmentalize their emotions like this? It's something I've done since I was young. It's like binge eating but with emotions, maybe it's how I was raised but it definitely never came from therapy. It seems like all BPD videos are about how people manipulate to get their way but I don't go around wearing a freaking sign, I try to keep that as far away from others as humanly possible which leads to a lot of isolation which I don't mind. Are there different types of BPD or am I just a freak that would rather be hit by a bus than cry in front of others?
I'm binch watching all these borderline videos to understand myself better so I can work on my trail of destruction and make my life and relationships healthier.
These are getting way too technical for me 😢. It's very comprensive and thorough for a scientific review and I believe it is top rate and accurate but I'm just a regular Joe and wanted just what is related to the BPD person... not the other options or possibilities. You've gotten so good at these that it's becoming so simple for you to add all that. Maybe other Joe's are looking for less to be more. Love you, your effort and what you do for all of us lay people. Thanks Doc.
Having been just dx with this disorder and I am 73 years old my fear of dying alone scares the hell out of me. I am a kind caring person. Always taking care of others. When I need help no one comes to help me. I had 3 major surgeries alone. One where I needed help and I had no one. My children found something else to do or they were too busy to come and help their mother. This dx has devastated me.
My ex-wife cries on demand. She also struggles with emotional regulation, but she does cry to manipulate/avoid accountability and lay down a "red hearing". She was diognosed with BPD and ADHD.
I'd like to share a story with you and your viewers, if I may:
I was the one who discovered my girlfriend after she had passed in her sleep. My initial reaction was shock, as you can imagine. But after calling 911, what I did next was to sweep the floor, then begin to wash the dishes. For the next week, I went into robot mode, while working with her sister on funeral arrangements, and cleaning out her apartment. I never shed a tear during that week.
When all was done, I was driving back to my house, and suddenly felt nauseous. I was barely able to pull over and get out of the car before emptying my stomach. After that, the floodgates opened wide. A very kind and understanding police officer pulled up behind me, and after determining the reason I had pulled over, told me he would wait in his car to ensure my safety, and to let him know when I was alright to resume my drive. It took about 15 minutes, and he never left. I have never forgotten the kindness he showed to me.
For me, this crying was cathartic.
Sorry for your loss. I think crying when grieving is part of the letting go. I think that not being able to cry during the grieving process can lead to incomplete grieving and other problems eg drinking to numb the pain etc and other destructive coping strategies. Personally, I have always grieved alone and would not want to do this in front of another person.
@@sarasimm6668 Thank you. I also have borne my grief in solitude. I guess we all must grieve in our own way, but some will do so in a self-destructive manner.
@Ben Hackett My condolences. There can be no worse nightmare for any parent. Both of my sons are now in their 30's and quite healthy, but I'm still thankful for each day I have with them.
My big pup, seen in my avatar, is now 11 years old, and I will most likely outlive him. I've no doubt that when he takes his last car ride, the tears will flow.
@M Z They really get into our hearts! Dogs are truly part of the family.
♥🎈♥
99% of the time I cry is when I am alone. My family is abusive. Narcissists and cruel. I am just figuring out how I feel so disconnected from them I am because I have figured all this out after it had loomed over me for years. Meaning I am alone because I am not married or have children. I cry because I am alone and don't have the sense of security of family. It's scary but so are they.
You may be alone physically but theres a lot of us right here with you...may God bless you in your time of struggle.
YES, I am right there. I know what you mean about the aloneness, no spouse or children. In this current society, isolation seems to have become even more widespread. Thank God I was at someone's home last night having dinner. We were discussing how people feel more isolated in this current framework of society. Yes, and if your family is known by you to be cruel, of course you will keep your tears to yourself.
I'm in the same boat
Maybe you should stop blaming your family and finding fault with others? Why do you feel so entitled to the energy, attention, and others trying to understand you? You sound like the classic borderline who probably should be on an involuntary psychiatric treatment order, receiving high doses of antipsychotics. No rational individual would ever want to be even in a casual relationship with you, much less be deluded enough to marry or breed with you.
@@j.h.miretskay3430 Why do some people like you attack bpd's I mean I dont get it.. If someone has a family that is disordered, then of course they would want and wish for more caring and understanding..its known that this first environment is the cause of most disorders. Did you have a single BPD person who hurt you..? Because you should know that they're not all the same.
My boyfriend has BPD and the poor guy cries so easily, I feel so bad but I will always love him unconditionally. He's amazing and I hope he can get better. I hope you all do. Bpd is so sad to witness in someone.
You're an amazing person for this. Remember not to break his heart (easier than what it seems)
@@lapofranceschini9584 as someond with BPD, I find that statement a bit manipulative
@@lapofranceschini9584 as someone who had a friend with bpd, people with it as any other person can break their own hearts easily, you shouldn't force another human to be with you (theoretically) just because you have a diagnosis.
Obviously he's a tad bit on the sensitive side did he lack a father figure does he cry to get attention does he know how to act accordingly when he wants something
@@ryanreagan6073 men with BPD still have emotions, the PD is about emotional instability/ hyper reactive even if helped in many cases. Also many cases high percentage of trauma and abuse. Not a gender issue and how it presents in different expressions of the range of emotions
Thank you for speaking to that aspect of depression where you can't cry. It's a terrible thing to go through and, it's hard to explain, but makes me feel a little bit more seen which is rare with this stuff.
I take care of a 44 year old woman with BPD comorbid with bipolar disorder who says she doesn't ever cry. But she really cries all of the time - she chokes it back. I've seen it a thousand times and always wonder who taught her that that was strong. I think it's a weakness.
Thank you Dr Grande! 🌹👍
BPD with hyper reactivity - Until I found about BPD, I thought everybody has the same level of emotional distress as me and I'm just not strong enough to process it. You can't know what you never had such as more stable state of mind.
BPD with crying - I usually cry alone. Whenever I cried, I was severely belittled, mocked and reprimanded by my mom so I greeted my teeth not to cry in front of others since I was 7. For almost two decades after that, it was one of my toughest struggle not showing my tears to other people. Well, I cried quite a bit in front of my ex-boyfriends though but I still cried alone a lot more. When I was a teenager, I almost cried alone every night after being badgered verbally by my mother and brother.
I usually find crying alone helps me feel better. Without crying, I might not be here any more.
Thank you for your vulnerability.
I totally understand. Me too.
Same story here, only not long started gritting my teeth at 40 yo, its not easy...
Growing up, I cried a lot for "stupid" reasons, even though I knew they were stupid reasons, for the most part. I felt so weak and pathetic before I got the help I needed. This continued well into my 20s, and it makes me wonder if I'd been misdiagnosed with depression rather than BPD. These days, my antidepressants make me rather numb, and I find it difficult to cry, even when I actually try to.
Me too… I was 5 years old and already knew not to cry in front of someone…me, a little 5year old kid
Sweetie your strong and brave and loved.
I grew up in the day of ‘stop crying or I will give you something to Really cry about era’ so I am glad more people are feeling their feelings and crying. Maybe we will finally move into a more empathic and healthy society 🌸
Me too. I cried when I was 4. Then forced myself as my dad got lowered in the hole. About 30. Then my moms ugly death at 44. Maybe 5-7 days a week for 2 years for my mom surviving real death. Family everyone there. Fake and real thanksgiving. Ect. + 4 hard hits in same month. Aunt friend dog ect death. Wife gone temp. lost house. Ect. Now I’m better but constantly accuse wife and feel I have no purpose. The aggressiveness just like he said. My center knuckle is swollen big right now at least a week from accidental reinjury, work related. Original injury is from hurting my tormentors. I’ve always been told by close friends, mother and wife all my life. I even let things go just to prove it’s not me, when Ghandi, Mr. Rogers, Mother Teresa and Jesus would of KO’d that assho. Then I feel guild and less than a man.
Same. It's so damaging for a child to associate their sadness with their parents getting aggressive and yelling at them for crying. Then when you experience the same from an abusive partner later in life
Sure, my mom used that phrase on us but then she would walk around the house sniffling w a red nose from crying about whatever perceived slight we did to her as kids. I would go in my room and feel HORRIBLE for "making" her cry. Yes, I turned into a ppl pleasing doormat who went to therapy for 30 years and finally diagnosed myself.
What if i find it hard to cry? I seem to cry over very small things but really tough things I sort of go numb instead of crying.
this
Because the large things are too overwhelming. The moment we can actually cry the body is already in an energetic flow state. When we are overwhelmed we shut down.
Crying is a release of powerful emotions so when a actual tough time happens you may not be ready to let it go while crying right away... important issues take more time to get to the point where you can let yourself release the emotions thru tears
that's a huge sign of BPD I think! My ex who has BPD used to cry about the smallest things! No one would cry about those! So I thought this girl would never breakup with me coz she's so soft hearted! But boy I was wrong! She ghosted me for no apparent reason! Apparently, she was leaving her abusive parents for me. But then I got ghosted out of nowhere! She changed her address and disappeared. I thought her parents did something awful to her. But luckily I know a person who saw her the very next day after she ghosted me. She seemed happy and she told them that she was going for a vacation! BPDs are insane I feel like. She left me 8 months ago! Thankfully I am regaining my sanity. I almost lost my career, goals and ambitions because of her. But gladly she left!
Dissociation
I prefer to cry alone because when I cry in public I feel vulnerable. And I also don't like to draw much attention to myself. I feel like people are silently judging me as I express strong emotions of any kind.
I am okay with the tears; people intuitively pick up on how genuine we are. It's the rage that scares me. And it isn't a selfish rage, it's a rage at injustice of any kind towards us and others. It doesn't take a leap of imagination to understand where that desire for fairness came from. I will take my tears of suffering and joy any day over the cold, emptiness of the narcissist.
Yeah I want to not cry in public but there's no stopping it
I worked at a therapist office and certain therapists seemed to diagnose people with BPD more than others and sometimes it seemed to be more of a reflection of the therapist than it was of the clients (although I could obviously be wrong because I’m not a therapist and I wasn’t in session with them) but one lady in particular couldn’t get along with like half of her caseload and diagnosed about half of her clients with BPD and even accused me of somehow purposefully giving her the harder clients and giving the therapist across the hall the good ones . . . Good times . . . I don’t know how I would have possibly done that to her on purpose. The people would only talk to me on the phone for two seconds and I would fit them in the schedule where there was room . . .
@@MachinaGirlRobots bad therapist are SO damaging.
@@tdmccoy1211 And yet when you bring this up with a good therapist the tendency is to focus on your own sh*t and not report them. Patients apparently are not to be trusted when in fact we are likely the best judges of what's a good therapist. Mayb not of anything else, LOL, but therapists, yes.
That is troubling...Sybil Francis PhD clinical.psychologist and professor retired
This is far too common! I I'ive in the British isles. Don't get me started, I always say " their still just human beings " Oh & yeah they sure do flock together! Keep ya mouth shut & smile or else... Seen it & dealt with it many times, too many. After near 20 years & I'm now only now starting the required help due to the push of 1 health care workers. It drained me so bad, number 1 rule guys, never call ya Dr \_key workers out... Your life is in their hands an they know it!
She triggered her clients
Whenever I want to cry but am afraid others will think I am manipulating, I have learned to stop and shut myself down.
I’m a BPD victim, I cry on a daily basis some days are regular crying others are uncontrollable crying and they sometimes come out of no where. I just get this overwhelming emotion to cry.
Me too.. IT keeps me from working and doing the things that i have to do in everyday life. :(
All of my emotions are overwhelming.
Me too
You're not a victim, you being here today makes you a *survivor!* Keep fighting the good fight, I cry on a regular if not daily basis as well and it's not easy.
PAIN! It's the PAIN, Dr. Grande. I just hurt sooo much sometimes. And feel so low to the ground, like flat.
Also, I tend to just seem to need to cry, like, if it's been a couple/three/four weeks and I have not cried, I will probably have a massive cry at somepoint soon, over a commercial or animals going extinct, but bawling even though I might not feel depressed. But on the BPD, if I am subclinical on it, then, I'm calling it, that it's the PAIN OF BEING.
I experience a lot of pain too, which causes me to cry and also it's lead me to self harm too, just to try to turn the pain physical so it wouldn't b so bad in my head
My ex gf had BPD. I never saw someone go from crying to angry so fast. Almost in the blink of an eye.
Exactly or to happiness so fast from cryin/angry...but my ex gf had both bipolar and Borderline personality disorder...i only gave her positive support...i only wish i didn't become so attached to her well being that i didn't get blindsided when she cutt me off and got someone new so quick that was the male version of me
@@moarroz My Codependency was definitely part of her attraction to me. Fortunately I've learned more about myself after our relationship than I ever would have otherwise.
I second that!! The extreme mood swing is truly intense!!
@@TCGTales Try experiencing it first hand... it sucks. It's extremely exhausting. Sorry you had negative experiences with a woman with BPD.✌️
@@ella17734 BPD is a severe mental health illness so I can't imagine how painful it is; Sadly my EX-girlfriend didn't want to seek treatment so it made everything else more difficult. Comorbidity is common with BPD so finding the right balance of treatment can be tricky too. My entire experience with her was beyond toxic yet I will always wish the best for her.
My mother is diagnosed with BPD, I found some of what you said to be true. In regards to crying, my mother can not handle ANY kind of distress, Distress with cause her to break down in hysterical crying. She also has no perception of how her crying affects others, growing with her as an adolescent and adult, I got so used to and numb to her Crying outbursts, I eventually just ignored it, she would often call me cold and ask me why I never cry....I do cry, I just do it in private.
As I've gotten older and learned more about BPD, I can see that her perception of the world and expectation of other people's reactions is not "Normal" at all...Great Video, Dr. Grande. Thank You
My ex would say that to me. I also would cry alone not wanting to burden people with that pain. My crying has always been cathartic for me.
Blessings
🎶Everyday I have to cry some, everyday I have to cry some, dry the water from my eye some. Everyday I have to cry.🎶
I never clicked on a notification so quick, this is relatable and relevant to me.
When I think about my ex telling his 4 year old son to "stop crying, we don't cry", I want to fucking scream. If I couldn't cry I would break things and hurt people. Crying is an amazing release of tension. I feel flooded with calm after a good sob session. It's essential.
Tears release stress hormones from the body. I've learned that tears actually have stress hormones in them. If not released they can be harmful to the body.
100% needed! Wonder what adult problems will come with that... Poor baba
Yes that is terrible to do to a child
I cry often the pain I feel during it is emense
Dr. Grande, this video was so accurate that it actually brought tears to my eyes.
Thank you once again for helping so many people.
I have a complicated relationship with crying. I call myself "a crier" and I am very forthcoming with this in new relationships (of any kind, not just romantic). I have always been empathetic, and have cried at movies, tv, and books since I was a small child. I also cry when a friend is hurting, or when I hear of something awful on the news. When I was pregnant, anything remotely sentimental would make me cry.
That being said, I absolutely hate having people see me cry. There are 3 reasons for this. 1) when I was a child, literally every time I cried in front of my father, he would threaten me. "Stop crying, or I'll give you something to cry about." Every. Single. Time. 2) My mother was a teacher, but directed church choirs and was slowly getting her master's at night, so my grandparents would watch me at least one evening a week. When I was very small, I would start to miss my mom, and I would cry. My grandparents would never comfort me. Instead, the would laugh and mock me, saying, "awww waaaah, i want my mommyyyyy". Incredibly immature for two people in their 60s. 3) in my first serious relationship, my boyfriend accused me of trying to manipulate him when I started crying during a fight. Because of my family's reactions to my crying, I had never even considered using tears to manipulate a situation. I was so shocked by the accusation.
So, as a sort of preemptive measure, I announce my tendency to cry early on, and treat it almost as a personality quirk. "Hi, I'm laura, and I'm a crier. Everything makes me cry, so don't be alarmed. I've cried at sandwich commercials!"
That being said, I do my best to not cry in front of anyone, unless I'm in such a distressed state that I can't help it (I have major depression and generalized anxiety disorder with panic attacks). Most of the time, i cry alone. And if I'm around people, I try to never "sob" and quickly wipe away tears.
When i am very depressed, I do have periods where I can't cry. It is an indication to me that my depression has gotten very bad. As I'm never fully symptom free, even with medication, this indicator can be helpful, because it means i need to see a professional.
The inability to cry is one of the most emotionally frustrating feelings I've ever experienced. Because I'm used to frequent crying, not being able to do so feels like a system failure. The desire to just let loose is overwhelming at times, and it can become physically painful. This has only happened a few times in my life, and the first, and longest period was followed by a total meltdown and serious suicide attempt.
I can also control crying, to a certain extent. I am a classically trained singer, and I have sung at the funerals of all of my grandparents and my parents. I also gave the eulogy at both of my parents' funerals. I was able to keep from crying during those points.
Well, thanks for letting me overshare! I hope some people who may read this can relate to some of my experience in crying
I used to cry A LOT. I would try to hide it. I was not trying to be manipulative either.
I have been diognosed with BPD. I do all i can to not display emotions. Crying and getting angry was severely punish when i was growing up. I will still not cry in front of people and especially do all i can to not display anger and even punish myself for feeling angry. I was relentlessly bullied at school and even as an adult and if i couldnt prevent myself from crying it proved to the bully that they had won. I do experience emotions strongly. But battle really hard to not show or say how i feel. In fact my self harm behaviours, also kept hidden, are done to reduce the strength of the emotions.
oof giving flashbacks of 13-15 year old me I'm 17 now I honestly cant tell what's wrong with me genuinely but ig ill find out but I probably either a HSP, or have ADHD or BPD idk and this made me think of how I cried in class in 9th grade for like the beginning to middle then how I wiped my tears and resumed my happy mode as if I was never sad like I genuinely know that the whole class will forever think wow she's crazy smh...and I cried because a random teacher yelled at me(Adults/Authority instantly remind me of being yelled at by parents idk plus it was about something so dumb he didn't yell it was more like speaking in a stern voice it just felt like he was) I more so cried because I was mad I couldn't react and instant sadness that I had done what ig was wrong smh and def cut when I had anger issues from I think 10-13 I only stopped because it wasn't helping and left scars plus I knew if anyone found out especially family they would think I'm crazy or bad just instant guilt (lol actually they found out 2020 and still not in therapy my mom even asked if my brain worked normally with a worried face almost as if she never saw the signs(I remember when I was younger I would cry a lot and yell and tell her I wanted to die when I said that I was crying on my knees I completely remember how I had yanked my mouth open using both hands scratching my gums and yelling I wanna kill myself in tears I was I think 10-13 she was very different then now that she gave birth to her third child shes more open minded and generally more there for me but it just feels a bit too late and nobody remembers or even thinks about what they said in the past to make me the way I am I sorta speak in a metaphor kinda way so its like everything I say is a red flag but their not paying attention or understanding all I get is whats and questions smh)and then proceeds to say ive never known anyone who actually do this woww and tries to push a why out of me to this day idk ig I was mad and wanted a distraction from it idk I just cry and be mad on the inside and sometimes will be passive agressive ig I also did overeating from time to time hmm 10-15 was a crazy time for me honestly now im 17 soon to be 18 and cant wait to get away from everyone and everything like get in a car to a desert and just chill and think abt life there and comeback when I feel like it(I know life isn't like this but imagine if you could be anywhere in peace without any worries and nobody to hurt or stress out or disappoint it would be really nice)It's not their fault they think its just teenage hormones and stress but it genuinely feels deeper than that and its almost as if i'm filtering for them how much I show to them i'm sooooo sorry to overshare lol this'll probably be the only time i'll type my feelings out anyways~
Dr.Grande someone gave you a thumbs down for making them cry 😢.
I however found your analysis spot on.
My wish is they consider your feedback in the next DSM.
G๏dWᎥη IRTEHMOFO - hmmmm Maybe some people in their childhood have been hit hard for crying. So there are thoughts of self unworthiness for crying. I noticed there are people who degrade other people who cry publicly. Why would it make an observer angry or frustrated simply seeing a stranger cry? Are people afraid of looking at grief? I wonder if it hooks into their sadism.
Teal swans cult followers have probably taken it upon themselves to downvote grande becuse he said her real name was Mary bosworth
I'm still waiting for a Video on Empaths or Highly Sensitive People. With Respect, It would really help not just myself, but many others. Thank You
Yes please!!
Yes I would love to here tht one too ! As I am one ,but doc I think would just say it was a highly sensitive thing from alot of truma ,with PTSD and depression it's really hard to tell ..
@JamesGames 11176 really wow I'll look too
Please, Dr. Grande!
Empath is just fake pseudoscience..
'Empaths' are really just Covert Narcissists.
I have BPD and found this interesting.
I’ve struggled my entire life with this in addition to some other issues.
I am definitely a cryer. Listening to you speak about how others may react to someone crying, I thought about my own experiences.
I don’t notice other people’s reactions to it.
I’m crying so I just cry and go about my way. I truly couldn’t control or stop crying. It just happens.
I may try to disguise it, but I don’t really care what someone thinks about it. No one has ever been unkind or judgmental.
"Lachrymal apparatus" is an interesting and amusing term, unique in my experience. Once again, you've expanded my vocabulary. It should be fun trying to introduce that one into the conversation. Let's see: This beautiful music is stimulating my lachrymal apparatus.
--I'll work on it.
Edit: Watching the news these days can send my lachrymal apparatus into overdrive.
-Who among us truly understands her or his lachrymal apparatus?
-The sad truth is that parental, familial, and societal responses, negative or even nonexistent, can cause small children to deactivate their lachrymal apparatus, which often distorts their perceptions for decades.
-This actress was well known for having easy access to her lachrymal apparatus; in other words, she can cry on cue (or, should the movie express a bourgeois sensibility, she can weep at will).
-Imagine a world in which people feel free to make responsible use of their lachrymal apparatus.
I was diagnosed with BPD comorbid with Bipolar Disorder....I hardly ever cry, but I find myself angry at something everyday.
I have BPD and rarely cry... at times I feel the need to force myself to cry to release certain emotions and I do it alone, you would have to do something extreme to actually make me legitimately make me cry or the death of a loved one.
I’m borderline and bipolar too and I feel like I am angry about something or at someone everyday as well. I swear I don’t go a day without raging in my head. But I also cry a lot.
@@reigndelacore2060 Ah. This is very interesting. I cry in similar circumstances. As I can best explain, it is almost a ritualistic process. It cannot be something cliche. It has to be something I haven't felt any thoughts towards in a long amount of time. I also have no facial expressions when I cry. It is a forced process. My Therapist related it to a Shallow Affect. I wouldn't say sensation seeking is an aspect of it, but that does occur on occasion.
Really? I have both kinda (BPD and schizoaffective disorder) and I'm rarely angry. Occassionally in my manic/mixed phases I'll get a little irritated, but that's it. I wonder why the discrepancy.
Oh am I second?? haha. Great video Dr. Grande! My friend has BPD and she cries a lot. Shed admitted to me that she does it to keep people from leaving and to make them feel sorry for her.
Ok I know someone who cry's to themselves so.... They hide it from everyone
Well I caught them and they begged me not to tell
Well most people with bpd cry because they're genuinely sad.
@@nicorizzo5402 i never said they werent. Just what my friend does.
Also have a friend with bpd and he cries to manupilate and when he is angry or because he his sad but never did see him cry out of compassion... for others or himself. Self pity is why i did see him crying when not manupilating or angry.
Person with bpd here. I cry often and when I feel it coming on and another person is present I try everything in my mental,emotional and physical power to NOT cry and not let anyone know I’m crying or upset, especially my boyfriend. I cry bc I’m overwhelmed, confused, feel helpless,feel threatened, feel abandoned, hurt, angry, etc. I understand you didn’t mean to say that every person with bpd cries to manipulate but I’m just here to tell you that I would give anything for the crying to stop. I can’t stand it. I wish my emotions didn’t overwhelm me. I would give anything to go a whole week without crying.
I can't believe I just found this little 'gem' among your videos. Fascinating stuff Dr. Grande!
In 2003 I cried everyday for 10 months, I had 3 dIssociative identity for
3 days in a row, never again. I was hospitalized for a week and
diagnosed with major depressive disorder. It took me 6 months after
I got out of hospital to stop shaking inside!! Love your channel!!!!😊
Crying is *also* a symptom of certain (typically untreated) seizure disorders. And there often is *no* catharsis. Thank you for another excellent video, Dr. Grande! 🐯
I was diagnosed with BPD. I literally never cry. But, I used to when I was younger. I do not do well in romantic relationships so, I stay alone a lot. It is possible to correct your behavior with any personality disorder.
I would love to see a video about lying/deception. Specifically, the different reasons for lying a lot, what makes someone a good liar and some info about what lies are i.e. the what happens in a person's body/mind when they are lying.
So would I.
All my ex did was lie..even when they promised they would try harder. Or even lie..they were 'Better' Anything to draw you back in..just to Abandon you. I see similarities to Narcissism.
may be due to fear of abandonment? may rather lie, thinking that will keep someone closer or more liked than if they were being truthful
@@evag8716 That's true.
I’d like this too. I have heard some really crazy things that indicate lying. Things that almost sound magical or fantastical, but apparently they’re legitimate tells. That’s such an astonishing thing to me. Like you’re in the presence of a soothsayer or something.
i've been diagnosed as "Uni-polar" and PTSD. after years of therapy, the best healing was done while crying..deep crying...a LOT of crying...it's a way of letting go and it feels wonderful. i haven't watched your video..i'm responding to your title.
What about Empathic types who 'Feel Alot?' They could be 'Cryers' too,being extra-aware and 'Feeling' or 'Understanding more' situations,whether watching films,reading well-written literature,or just empathising with other people's experiences?
I agree with being empathetic- I am to the point it’s crippling. Manipulation and lying I’m not understanding, maybe because that doesn’t resonate with me?
I have BPD and it always feels like there’s a huge body of water supported by a weak dam that cracks and floods at the slightest pressure.
I cry at least once a week, usually multiple times. Crying of sadness, laughter, joy, anything really. I can’t control it whatsoever and the amount of times it has happened in public is embarrassing. I feel like a baby.
Im a diagnosed borderline about 2 months into treatment. Im a dude, and yes I well up all the time but usually bottle it up (less with my treatment). The feelings, anger and anxiety, including sadness, are intense and lead to yelling, panic, and yes crying...Including a mixed feeling as mentioned.
How did your treatment go friend?
I think I'm borderline personality disorder, but I put it down being a boxer, and then an actor - both jobs that demand a lot of persona creation.
At drama school they tell you to speak with a posh accent so you don't get typecast; in boxing they tell you to keep a poker face, to never give away you're hurt or scared. In acting you explore your inner emotions, in boxing you don't show emotion. Not during the fight anyway.
So I had all these contradictions going on, I kind of lost my core identity. my base persona. And in the end I really had no idea who or what I really was. The whole notion of identity became nebulous, without moorings as it were,
I think my core identity is shy and withdrawn, but I've acted up so much to overcome shyness, I appear gregarious, even over-confident. Then other times deeply anxious and depressed. Sometimes feeling like a fraud, never being the real me, or not even knowing what the real me is.
Any kind of profession that demands you to get out of your comfort zone, to find the 'real you' can ironically lose the real you in a myriad of personas.
Or any background that spans identities, can soon leave you in an identity crisis.
We like to think human beings are complex, are made to handle contradictions, but we're not really. Most people have a set, uncomplicated identity that they never question, never put to the test. Are not so confident in who they are, but have never put themselves in a situation to question who they are.
And well they might, because in spite the modern insistence that getting out of your comfort zone is a great thing to do, it probably isn't. You are probably as well accepting the box that society has made for you. You're suffer less mental illness as a result.
My old psychiatrist really struggled with giving me a BPD diagnosis. I was so ooo reactive and cried so easily. He ended up deciding it was PTSD, generalized anxiety disorder, panic disorder, and substance use disorder.
Dr Grande, your video is very interesting. A few months ago I was diagnosed with Aspergers, My doctor turned and said I’m probably BPD to because I cry so easily. I thought that was weird until watching your video. Thank you for all that you do Dr Grande
Much like my experience. Although I self DX Aspergers because therapists missed it. All symptoms apply. Every tool helps.
Words are always minutes behind thoughts, thoughts fast but must explore every possible avenue of probability before choosing the best one.
By the time I speak, the right moment has passed. Crying is a response to frustration and overwhelm when my body feels profound pain that may or may not be my own.
Never think that empaths raised by narcissists had more fun.
The Balance of Parent (order), Child (play), ego( confidence. ) To create a healthy whole
Any one in excess makes issues ? .
I have cried lot and the need to meditate and learn the why’s here is essential for me ! Thank you!
Wow. Another great video. Over time, I realize more and more that the timeliness of your messages is astonishing.
My history in spiritual fellowships suggests that when a Speaker is right on point for me that week, it's a sign that "when the student is ready, the teacher will appear."
And when I express the timeliness of the message to another attendee, they'll often agree that it was amazing for them, too.
Ditto for what I've witnessed in Codependents in Recovery meetings ... everyone's situation may be different but the core feelings/issues are always the same on a basic level.
With those two thoughts in mind, THANK YOU for being such a great teacher to me and countless others right when we need it.
👌😙👍 I am so grateful!
If it weren't for your darned timeliness 😣and my blind trust in a family member 😖 while straddling the line between self-care and trying to steer my loved one in the right direction before it's too late, I'd be forking over cash.
Right now, please accept my sincere thanks for helping me to try to look out for both she and I. Being a true empath, your logical thoughts make what she's feeling, while she's expressing it differently, easier for me to understand.
THANK YOU, Dr. Grande!
Interesting Dr. Grande. 👍🏻. When you mentioned perception differences and lack of insight it made said sense to me. 💗
Thank you for shedding some light on crying and Borderline.
I was diagnosed with BPD, at 36, and am now, 67. I cry very easily. It's, definitely, not manipulative. Tears well up, especially, when I am remembering something distressing, sad, etc, from the past, or when I'm experiencing remorse for something I did that I feel badly about. I also cry when I see suffering, in others, that I do or don't relate to. Suffering, in general, upsets me.
It can get embarrassing to just start crying for no apparent reason. It just bubbles out of me like an artesian well, with no effort, on my part. It's quite automatic.
I admit to feeling better after I cry. Perhaps, I cry to release the pressure of past trauma that still feels like it's happening in the here and now. I can't seem to let go if the past. Someone can say something, or I'm watching something, and I'm transported to another time and place, where I experienced something similar.
Just a thought.
Dr Grande, I suffered a brain injury at age 6. A subdural hematoma that included swelling in my brain and surgery to remove the blood clot. My parents said I went from a care free little girl to in intensely emotional issues with anger among many other problems. My issues mimicked borderline tendencies although it was something I have learned to recognize and control. My anger issues have become so small it seems like a small Miracle. My question is why do you think there is so little study into brain injury and the personality issues it causes because the pain it caused my family causes me to feel guilt now. There is a guilt and shame pattern now that seems to have replaced my anger. I feel there is not near enough studies into brain injury and I’m ur opinion would u say the a personality disorder can be caused by brain trauma and is recovery a realistic outcome?
Living and especially getting older with a brain injury seems to have serious mental health complications. Yes I would like to know more about that too.
Thank you for this info. My 19 year old son cried a lot when he was in elementary school. He doesn't cry easily anymore. This info helps a lot in understanding what is and what was going on. He is in therapy and I think it has helped a lot. Ty you again for an excellent video Dr Grande! Your videos are definitely up there among my favorites. The are very informative in a logical way.
I know this is going to sound strange but i thought everybody cried (not trolling). Amazing that having a shoulder to cry on (sort of say) is more therapeutic than crying alone.
I thought that too until I had some traumatic events and fell into a major depression. One feature of this time period was being unable to cry despite knowing it might even help. Depression is a powerful illness not to let go untreated. Fortunately I did get treated, had another small trauma and dealt with it, it started the tears flowing after about 8 dry years.
I rarely cry, but I don't mind crying alone; what really bothers me is crying when others are around. I'm not talking about being choked up over something touching or sad, I'm talking about breaking down and sobbing. For me, the idea of crying in the presence of others is a nightmare.
The most informative therapist on TH-cam. Thank you for all you do.
As I person with bpd I can confirm I cry at least once a day lmao
Me too. But I am not laughing at you
Me, too. Also, I have bpd, too. It seems like alot of people with bpd are also interested in psychology, like me. Anyone else notice that?
@Ben Hackett Thanks
Same here.
Same
16:25 > "BPD creates emotional situations that lead to crying"
17:35 > "crying, designed to be manipulative
"
Agree with the above two findings. My neighbour & also one of my three sisters (now deceased) fabricated crisis situations that force group attention to the supposed distress of the BPD person. Seems that low empathy on the effect of the whole group effect is missing.
The BPD distress seems to me to be a learned response to poor parenting. Cluster B & C is taught by parental inadequacies to all the children. When funeral arrangements for either parent are done, the return to childhood pathologies happens to all family members. This is a very deep emotional process that later adulthood re-conditioning cannot avoid.
My neighbour's family shows also clear nuclear family pathologies. Strict "tiger parenting" has created very anxious family systems. Any uncertainties will be created artificially, to generate an emergency system, where the goodies & baddies are clearly visible. If these extreme persons do not exist, every effort is made, until clear extreme polarity has been created. In this state of permanent anxiety & warfare, the hyper-stressed families then reach their stability of "coping", as they best know it.
These BPD emotional states seem not able to be removed by any cognitive process. Much more research into social engineering is needed for these highly anxious families & communities.
Majority of my life, it was rare for me to cry. I felt like a rock, paralyzed, frozen…i had a lot that had accumulated in my psyche that I had no idea how to compartmentalize .all these weird things things had been normalized in my life and I tried to ignore how bad it all really was. I truly had no idea…borderlines are often very gullible, very loyal, very loving, and usually have specific areas where they’re very gifted /talented. They just need to tap into their body, feel the vibe happening, learn what you gotta do to get to a calm or neutral baseline, and the start tackling the next level of life.
crying for me is actually a very productive release, although I refuse to cry in front of other people. I will sometimes be overrun with feelings of hopelessness, self hatred, or thoughts that I am hated by everyone around me throughout the day, so just a lot of anxiety. Having a good cry in the shower after work or in my room after getting home will nearly always relieve these feelings. I’m not sure how or why this works but yanno
I sooo appreciate the diversity in topics discussed in your videos! You do a great job at keeping your content fresh and valuable for all kinds of viewers. I hope you’re ready for 100k subs... you deserve it!! I’ll try to contribute a topic suggestion: “how to make holding eye contact easier and natural”?
As a young professional, I cried a lot when criticized or when I didn't achieve my high standards. I was always mortified by my behavior, as emotion at work was viewed as a weakness in my mostly male-dominated field. I tried everything to stop the tears when I could feel them coming, yet nothing worked. I learned to cope by heading to a private space where no one could see me. Through the years, I became more confident in my abilities and the crying lessened. Dr. Grande, do you have any recommendations on how to stop the crying behavior (especially when its inappropriate, like at work)?
stress
U identified it, don't take the criticisms or perceived failures as personal which leads to tears. Think of it as feedback, a mental exercise to solve. Keep it as head level, not heart level.
I pretend I need to use the bathroom. Then I cry in there.
My father I believe has BPD. He's consistently used crying as a manipulation tactic to circumvent accountability for his abusive actions. I cut contact with him 10 years ago and life immediately and dramatically improved for me.
YES!!! And at the drop of a hat.
Diagnosed with BPD, on the assessment I started to cry in from of the lady who I never met before, since I’m in DBT now I got to know that it was out of shame and guilt at the same time and yes I have difficulty telling what I feel at the moment, most of the time I feel many emotions at the same time, which makes it so hard when it comes to observing my emotions...and describing...so DBT is extremely tough for me. And also I cry much more when I’m at that building, I know they don’t judge me, they don’t feel pity, they just accept me for who I am. I consider myself a high-functioning BPD, so outside that building nobody can see the “real” me, only the person I let close to me, which goes always as a disaster or tornado or hurricane after a while...
Both my parents and my ex husband became angry when I cried. I cry when I am stressed. I'll ask my psychologist about it today.
Thanks for another very informative video! I have a question: I noticed a potential tension between the two conclusions concerning research about cognitive and behavioral strategies in recovering from trauma and depressive episodes. On the one hand, it seems that rumination has negative effects on mood disorders, so this motivates the idea that one shouldn't 'dwell' on the worries one has. On the other hand, the notion of 'emotional processing' of trauma seems to be taken as an important part of recovery, and (if I understood correctly) it involves spontaneous and repeated thinking about the worry (so after a break up one commonly finds himself spending time getting through details of what happen many times in one's thoughts). Now, I read somewhere that one way to differentiate between rumination and the processing with positive effects is that the former is unproductive while the latter is oriented toward deriving useful conclusions for the future. This difference, even though it is clear in principle, seems to me a bit vague when applied to concrete experiences. My suspicion is that the two are actually hard to differentiate if they are two distinct phenomena at all. The idea that rumination is bad seems to work well with the overall philosophy of CB approaches (focus on the productive, don't dwell on the negative), while the idea that emotional processing is natural and important part of recovery seems to me as something more in line with psychoanalytic and folk psychological idea that 'suppressing emotions' is bad and you should 'cry it out', 'let it all out' etc. I would be very interested to hear your thoughts on this.
Could you talk about dysfunctional families? What is a dysfunctional family? What is funtional/healthy family?
I'll second that.
....the addage " all dysfunctional families are different all happy families are the same..." springs to mind...
Unconditional love.
I was crying everyday like this before I was diagnosed with depression and put on Celexa. I've always had difficulty identifying my emotions and I got frustrated when trying to express them. When I forget a few days of my medication, I can definitely tell a difference. No body wants to be around me when I can't control my emotions.
I think perception and intensity are very key. I have bpd and I feel things very intensely and I also think I don’t perceive people’s reactions and emotions properly.
Tell us more about when others never cry
Thank you for sharing
Well it all started wen I was 6....
Long story short, Im dead Inside
Thanks for sharing this research info, it's very interesting. My mom had Borderline PD, and would cry all the time, sometimes "binge crying", in her room for long hours, or even days. She had absolutely no awareness of how her crying affected others, other than noticing that it caused her romantic partners to avoid her, which made her cry more because she was anxious/fearful that they would leave, which they usually did... Aaand an inevitable mobius of emotional instability was put into action.
So sorry. Understand the binge crying thing big time but my mom was well aware of the affect on others and used it intentionally.
I heard that some animals cry as well like apes, giraffes, elephants and whales. Dogs cry and feel grief probably without the tear ducts triggered. But the same emotions.
Oh yes my dog cries inhis dreams and barks with feet running lying on his side...dreaming of chasing something? Wish I could see what he is seeing in his dreams...maybe not the crying ones though.
I'd like to see a comparison between borderline personality disorder and PTSD, particularly in young people emerging from extremely abusive family situations. My layperson observation is it's hard to tell from their actions if they're one or the other (or both).
I used to cry so much. I was misdiagnosed with BPD but actually have PTSD and bipolar disorder. I do have very unstable emotions but not the interpersonal problems.
I was asking myself this too. I live in a country where I have the impression doctors hardly diagnose PTSD unless you are from a war area.
@@Catlily5 I remember Fauci crying in the documentary about him. He calls it PTSD.
@@noahifiv Why do you care about Fauci if you are not from the USA? What does he have to do with PTSD?
If I am right , the way I understand BPD is often formed very early on in a particular stage of early development when there were some emotional needs unmet - and NOT necessarily bc or neglect or abuse either - it could be that a high needs toddler needed mama, and say during that high stakes development period, mama had a high risk infant B sibling to nurture, and as a result , this set the stage for the disorder- obviously the tendency would have had to be there , this toddler was always prone , but then If things fell into place so that the needs were withdrawn during that exact stage - it’s absolutely births the disorder , that set prone , from there- I am unsure the effects nurture/nature plays, but I do for sure know the symptoms are on a spectrum of severity - out of the 9 symptoms in the DSM - a score of 5’or more indicates a DX - but these 5’traits may be mild- where another BPD with say 7 traits , have hard core marked traits
I didn’t cry when my mother died. Rather, I went completely numb and possibly dissociative. But when I had to give up our cats to the shelter a few weeks later, I bawled like a baby all the way (which is unusual because I rarely cry in front of others, and here I was crying in front of a bunch strangers.)
I think that theory of being left without tears as an indicator for a more severe form of depression is very true for me. I've had MDD twice in my life, and in both instances, things have gone worse once I couldn't cry any longer.
How does CEN (Childhood emotional neglect) fit in here? One of the signs listed is frequent crying. I know you're covering personality disorders here. Aren't there also mental illnesses which have crying as a prominent feature? Not encouraging self diagnosis.
I cry everyday Dr Grande i think we do because we are more emotional . And i cry because i have this dreaded BPD severe.
I've run across a few people who appear to use crying as a manipulative tactic. I can tell, because if you give them what they want, the crying abruptly ends and their mood brightens right up. Then I know I've been had.
Thank you I needed to read this. Very true I have forgotten about this because there is sooo much to remember when we interact. It's like I have to be my own therapist to manage my own mental health.
I love all of your videos. They're so informative and well-researched! Also, you have a very soothing voice :P
Thank you!
Great shirt. Very interesting about crying. Everyone is different in what makes them cry. It’s fascinating how each and every person is so different. Have a great night!!!! Well done Dr.Grande.
very interesting! thanks for the video :)
This makes me want to look into other disorders like anxiety and ADHD to see how emotional hypersensitivity and crying relate to them as well.
Your videos are awesome. Thank you very much for time, energy, and expertise!
The best movie quote I’ll never forget is from Conan the Barbarian “when the mage says to Conan’s friend…why do you cry? And his reply is “ I cry for Conan..he does not cry” you are the Conan of Doctors…What I mean is that you’re a Barbarian.
In recent dealings with a borderline client I came across this video. It makes me wonder if it is possible that borderline clients under report crying. Perhaps and interesting topic for further study.
They weren't "qualified" to misdiagnose my friend's son, saying he "didn't have BPD because only women can get it" and now her son is dead (from a suicide he committed while he was on the phone with his mom, so she would hear the gunshot in her mind every day for the rest of her life) because a "Licensed Counselor" treated the mother like she didn't know anything.
I was present when a murder of my loved one occurred in Tower 1; I saw it crumble in flames on national TV, as if he were dying "in front of my face." To this day I can't get that last image out of my mind & he wasn't my own child.
I think they should sue the Licensed Counselor for doing that.
😔
Men can certainly have BPD.
At 67 years old, if I have BPD, I think this started as Aspergers female who was abused mentally and sexually from infancy, had no words for complex emotions.
“She cries at EVERYTHING.” my mother wrote in my baby book.
Parents treated me like I was purposely manipulating them, “blackmailing” rather than unable to express profound frustration, loneliness, grief, and physical pain when my physical systems shut down in overload.
nice- like virtual journal club. It was thoughtful for someone to take this on as a real study. I appreciate it.....
Observing someone crying tends to make narcissists angry and aggressive.
I think 'hyperractive' response has everything to do with if it's in response to someone/something that is important or hurtful to a person. Not at all 'just in general' over reaction to everything.
I don't cry daily, not even. close. Other people assume I will cry easily and some try to make me do it just for fun. I don't though. did cry a lot as a kid.
1 no: I like being alone and kept healthy contacts, am making new ones
2 not really: recently unstable relationships in response to cultural changes and a move across hundreds of miles - but this isn't a regular pattern
3 not identity challenged: I am clear on who I am
4 not impulsive
5 not really: suicidal ideation in the past - during a life crisis - no longer an issue
6 labile: I sublimate instead of regulating, though I don't outburst, people can still tell - I say histrionic fits better (most likely to come out as very quirky humor)
7 not empty
8 not anger ridden, especially not in terms of outbursts
9 paranoid and dissociation - yes both of these a lot but it could be something other than borderline
I say 2 of 9
Maybe it was worse at that crisis point in life but that was a temporary reaction and not an historic personality trend.
I did cry a lot as a kid but again, that could be histrionic which is more what I was like as a kid if anything.
Crying could be a lot of things - not just borderline. I think meltdowns in autism also could involve crying.
I am an HSP, I observe and internalize a lot of things around me. Even at the peak of feeling sad, stressed, frustrated or enraged, I feel like there is a system in me that tries to bring me to the state of balance/calm. I might have a storm inside, I would get quiet, isolate myself, be lost in deep thoughts, but I don't cry easily. If I cry, it means I am feeling something really really deep. That sometimes happens when I can deeply empathize with someone. And that's how I have been since childhood.
On the other hand, my brother was a crier and I would see him manipulate my mother time and time again with crying spells. My mother would consider tears as remorse and genuinity. Growing up, she used to taunt me sometimes that I am heartless because I don't shed tears that often and can have a difficult conversation without raising voice or shedding tears or showing extreme emotional fluctuations. I felt very belittled, just because I don't shed tears that easily, does not mean I don't feel things.
I have had many conversations stolen from me because the person on the other side started crying and as a people pleaser, I had to agree to them no matter how wrong they were. I was FP to a friend with BPD and her crying at the smallest of the inconveniences had me keep her in my life for 5 years and get emotionally abused by her over and over again. I cared for her and only wanted the best for her, but had to almost give up living my own life to meet her needs and demands, sometimes the most irrational and malicious ones.
Crying is healthy, but crying for the simplist of the things can be manipulative and unhealthy.
I can't defend myself when my bf gets angry at the most trivial things - such as a suggestion to have what's at home instead of making me order in. If I try to hold my case in an argument his brain ramps up at such an intensity he goes into a nervous breakdown, sob uncontrollably and feel like committing suicide. I feel like a hostage and am trying to figure out what are his mental issues
Dr. Grande, Could you please explain the difference between sadness and depression? are they the same? I have this feeling of sadness from childhood abuse and early adult abuse and betrayed from my family and close ones. I know I am traumatized and I must have some mental disorder, but this feeling of "chronic" sadness is equivalent to depression? Thank you so much
Very interesting information. A person I am in contact with has many crying spells during our visit. I don't see tears. I don't want to minimilize what their going through. Thank you for your insights. If this person is relieved when I show empathy that might be a reason they do it. I find myself asking why. Feeling frustraited at times in this relationship.
Dr. Grande, This is another great analysis. Many interesting topics come to mind as offshoots of this. For those of us who have worked with borderlines, we may remember how the various patients presented and we may have wondered at times how to interpret these varied states we observed. Then there are those of us, ourselves, who have not cried in years who may have at points had a cry and felt different and lighter afterward. We may have felt a letting go of the past hurts through that. Thank you for this analysis. It is helpful for much reflection.
Dr Grande, Perhaps you could review a recent paper by Maja Zandersen and Josef Parnas published in the Schizophrenia Bulletin January 2019 "Identity Disturbance, Feelings of Emptiness, and the Boundaries of the
Schizophrenia Spectrum".
Although from the the title of the paper it would appear to deal only with Schizophrenia, it really discusses the connection of Schizophrenia with Borderline Personality Disorder, particularly related to “identity disturbance” and “feelings
of emptiness". The paper also discusses concepts of "Core Self" which you have discussed previously.
The paper made a lot of sense to me with respect to my own relationship with a person suffering from BPD.
Very interesting. academic.oup.com/schizophreniabulletin/article/45/1/106/4823553
I feel I do not have control of my crying. But I always cry because something negative happened even if it is something little or something I am worrying about it
It is going to happen. I try to hold the crying but can not stop my tears from falling like rain. I do hate having that weakness of constantly crying.
I have BPD and I can’t cry at all. I feel dead most of the time. I’d feel better if I could cry.
I know someone with BPD who cries when there is really no reason for the crying such as when she is tired. Her behaviour is strange and she tries to hide the crying by leaving the room.
Don’t fall for it, it’s manipulation. She “leaves” for you or others to see and take notice that she is gone. If you ask, she will say she it doing it trying to be discrete. It’s not true, it’s for you guys to think it’s more believable. Save yourself the headache. Ignore the behaviors and don’t mention them and notice how they will either stop or become more dramatic and angry for more attention
Thank you for sharing our wisdom in a way I can understand
This is the best recently I've been going through it with female that is not diagnosed with bpd we have children so pray for me and my family
I have BPD, I don't cry especially in front of other people... anger is my go-to emotional response publically. But I have this strange emotional response to TV, videos, even tiktoks when I'm alone... someone's dog dies and I am flooded with emotions may be a few tears and I wonder why I keep watching such heartwrenching content... it's relaxing, it allows me to feel emotions that I don't allow myself to feel around other people. I don't get that kind of relaxation from comedy or other types of content and I really wished I knew what that was called and if it's a healthy or unhealthy thing.
Does anyone one else with BPD kind of compartmentalize their emotions like this? It's something I've done since I was young. It's like binge eating but with emotions, maybe it's how I was raised but it definitely never came from therapy. It seems like all BPD videos are about how people manipulate to get their way but I don't go around wearing a freaking sign, I try to keep that as far away from others as humanly possible which leads to a lot of isolation which I don't mind. Are there different types of BPD or am I just a freak that would rather be hit by a bus than cry in front of others?
interesting...edit: plus, I'm sure you are not freak...maybe superfreaky though, you look cool :)
I'm binch watching all these borderline videos to understand myself better so I can work on my trail of destruction and make my life and relationships healthier.
Same
These are getting way too technical for me 😢. It's very comprensive and thorough for a scientific review and I believe it is top rate and accurate but I'm just a regular Joe and wanted just what is related to the BPD person... not the other options or possibilities.
You've gotten so good at these that it's becoming so simple for you to add all that.
Maybe other Joe's are looking for less to be more.
Love you, your effort and what you do for all of us lay people.
Thanks Doc.
It would have been nice if you had offered some advice on how to respond to borderline abuse.
Geez, I had know idea my despair and tears were seen as conniving and controling. Relieved I mostly do it alone.
Having been just dx with this disorder and I am 73 years old my fear of dying alone scares the hell out of me. I am a kind caring person. Always taking care of others. When I need help no one comes to help me. I had 3 major surgeries alone. One where I needed help and I had no one. My children found something else to do or they were too busy to come and help their mother. This dx has devastated me.
Dr, Grande. U Da Man. Always a great education without posturing. Tx
My ex-wife cries on demand. She also struggles with emotional regulation, but she does cry to manipulate/avoid accountability and lay down a "red hearing". She was diognosed with BPD and ADHD.
BPDs are the absolute worst. All will deny it of course, but it’s entirely manipulative.