My aunt died 6 days ago. I was outraged that they made her sign a DNR form....she passed at home with her loved ones. ..thank you. .now I understand how important the DNR is...she was able to die hearing nothing but love..at home. Thank you
Thank you for this TedTalk. I have experienced the most blessed experience of death and dying with my grandmother and wrote a self published 50 page book about it. Thank you
Hospice care is the care we give to the sick and dying. Traditionally it starts when someone is given a diagnosis that says they have 6 months or less to live. Hospice care has many myths surrounding it, with most of them not being true. However, what Hospice care does provide can be a super important service, and can the end of someone’s life better. What I think people need to do is have the difficult conversations about end of life care before you or someone you love is at that point. These conversations are difficult and can be borderline awkward. Talking to your parents about how they want to die is not something I imagine anyone wants to do, but it is super important for us to have these conversations. They are important to have, because if we wait until a physician comes in the room and says he recommends hospice care, that is a big scary moment, and you will feel ill prepared if you haven’t talked with your loved ones before hand how to proceed. Hospice care is an interesting place as far as medicine goes, mainly because the physicians are no longer trying to save life, but rather make people comfortable and comforted. The emphasis is one making sure people aren’t alone, that their wishes are respected, that their dignity is maintained, and that people are free from pain. These goals are noble, but undeniable different from the normal care patients receive in other settings. That is part of why I think it is so important to have conversations with your loved ones about hospice care beforehand, because it is a different type of care in a different scenario than you are probably familiar with. Also, it is possible when someone is finally in need of hospice care, they may not be able to make decisions for themselves. In that case, they physician will need their family to make these important decisions. Imagine a doctor telling you your mother needs hospice care, but she is unresponsive and you have never talked to her about this. How are you going to know what she wants, or what she would choose in that scenario if you haven’t talked to her first about it? That is why I think we need to be better have having these tough conversations and starting these dialogues. We need to know what our loved ones want before we are in the scenario, so we can be better prepared ourselves, and so we can make the decisions that honor their wishes.
I have had the best care from Hospice for my family members. They come do the best treatment possible. They have doctors that come whenever you call,even in the middle of the night.
My mom died 12 years ago from a very rare disease none of really knew that she was dying, but we did know she was getting sicker. I went in at least one day a week to take care of her. Rub her feet, run all over town to find something she’d eat and just try to help in any way I could. We never talked about what was really happening, or about what she might want in the end. If she had maybe her death would have been less traumatic for her, maybe she could have died at home. It was only a few days after her death that we found out she’d been talking all along to her best friend and neighbor about her disease, her approaching death and her final wishes. That hurt. Her I was, her daughter, the one sacrificing one to two days a week for months to take care of her. To this day I am hurt and saddened by it. If she’d only spoken to me....* That was wonderful. You showed that there can beauty in the messiness, and laughter in the sadness. Importance in communication. I will be watching this over and over again. *Sorry to ramble.
This was a unique and touching way to discuss a difficult subject matter. With many difficult topics, I agree that the best way to tackle them is to have open and honest communication. As you stated, there are so many classes and people to speak to with matters about bringing life into this world but end of life is a more sensitive subject. Hospice is difficult for everyone involved but I believe trying to normalize and bring more supportive conversation by allowing loved ones to be as involved as they can be shifts perspectives for those are left on this earth, especially from a healing point of view. This video reminded me of a major point of how end of life care should be centered around giving the person whose life is ending dignity and autonomy but also a sense of closure to the family. Death should not be an “elephant in the room” because it makes it taxing on everyone involved. Emotions need to be expressed and conversations need to be had as much as possible while you still can with your loved ones. Everyone battles with hardships differently so I can see this being harder to implement because the idea of finality is a difficult one to fathom. However, I think easing into the conversation as well as making those final moments for a loved one would bring more peace and comfort in the end to the family. From a pragmatic standpoint, having a plan for the funeral arrangements would also take a sense of stress off those involved when the time came. Hospice and palliative care are meant to make those final moments easier and not more difficult and while it may be jarring to discuss sad moments when one may want to preserve good memories, these steps may help us normalize the process by making the end-of-life process better for those going through it.
This is a unique look at an obviously very difficult topic to address. I personally have met many people near the end of their lives in my work as a nursing assistant, and each day was a very humbling experience. I was struck when the speaker said, "when someone is told they are dying, they will have thought about it. But they might not have talked about it." I guess on the other side of it, you never know what a person is really going through when they are told they are dying. You can't know if they have really discussed what they are feeling with their loved ones. So providers and friends or families should be looking out for opportunities to have open dialogue with them, given they are ready to talk about it. It's important to take into account a person's autonomy, and fully understand what their wishes as regarding end of life care. Otherwise, how will we know what a person truly wants if we never have these open conversations with people? The field of epistemology within philosophy can helps elucidate many difficult end of life decisions, as drawing knowledge from various fields I believe can best help us make the best decision for ourselves. If you think about it, we naturally use this tactic when we make difficult decisions. Whenever we are unsure, we can draw on all the knowledge that we have, related either to our own social constructs, religious beliefs, or emotionally related. Again, I'm grateful for this talk and for the speaker bring up such important information about end of life! And how we can make end of life matter both for the patient and for ourselves if we are the ones involved in helping a loved one going through this type of situation!
This is an absolutely amazing perspective on what can be a very challenging topic. It’s difficult to think about situations when our loved ones are dying, but it’s important to have that conversation. Being able to give our loved ones autonomy in their choices by having those hard conversations before it’s too late can be very freeing. In my past, after losing loved ones, it is challenging to know what to do because we hadn’t discussed expectations or wishes. When my grandma passed away, she was in a nursing home and we all took turns “saying our goodbyes” and that was kind of it. The funeral was where we talked about her life and our thoughts of her, but looking back, I think she would have appreciated all of us in the room talking about all the good times, instead of feeling like we had to be ‘hush hush’. I have discussed with friends that have had similar experiences with grandparents/parents where the series of events surrounding death felt very stuffy and directed by someone else. I am glad to have this perspective as I see my parents age and am able to have these conversations with them and ensure they have what they want and no one is left guessing or arguing. Although the conversation may feel sad, I know that in the long run this is the best course of action and more people should participate in these conversations with their loved ones so they are able to abide by their wishes so they have the end-of-life care that allows that transition to be comfortable for them.
This is a very moving talk. While I was listening to Ms. Wilkes talk about end of life care and the variety of places a patient can die, a question occurred to me. Are hospitals exploiting the passing of patients by keeping them at a hospital? These patients can acquire a large hospital bill by spending the last few weeks of life at a hospital, rather than dying at home. Are finances discussed with patients and their family when making the decision for end-of-life care?
My aunt died 6 days ago. I was outraged that they made her sign a DNR form....she passed at home with her loved ones. ..thank you. .now I understand how important the DNR is...she was able to die hearing nothing but love..at home. Thank you
Thank you for this TedTalk. I have experienced the most blessed experience of death and dying with my grandmother and wrote a self published 50 page book about it. Thank you
Thankyou for your strength
Hospice care is the care we give to the sick and dying. Traditionally it starts when someone is given a diagnosis that says they have 6 months or less to live. Hospice care has many myths surrounding it, with most of them not being true. However, what Hospice care does provide can be a super important service, and can the end of someone’s life better.
What I think people need to do is have the difficult conversations about end of life care before you or someone you love is at that point. These conversations are difficult and can be borderline awkward. Talking to your parents about how they want to die is not something I imagine anyone wants to do, but it is super important for us to have these conversations. They are important to have, because if we wait until a physician comes in the room and says he recommends hospice care, that is a big scary moment, and you will feel ill prepared if you haven’t talked with your loved ones before hand how to proceed.
Hospice care is an interesting place as far as medicine goes, mainly because the physicians are no longer trying to save life, but rather make people comfortable and comforted. The emphasis is one making sure people aren’t alone, that their wishes are respected, that their dignity is maintained, and that people are free from pain. These goals are noble, but undeniable different from the normal care patients receive in other settings. That is part of why I think it is so important to have conversations with your loved ones about hospice care beforehand, because it is a different type of care in a different scenario than you are probably familiar with. Also, it is possible when someone is finally in need of hospice care, they may not be able to make decisions for themselves. In that case, they physician will need their family to make these important decisions. Imagine a doctor telling you your mother needs hospice care, but she is unresponsive and you have never talked to her about this. How are you going to know what she wants, or what she would choose in that scenario if you haven’t talked to her first about it? That is why I think we need to be better have having these tough conversations and starting these dialogues. We need to know what our loved ones want before we are in the scenario, so we can be better prepared ourselves, and so we can make the decisions that honor their wishes.
I have had the best care from Hospice for my family members. They come do the best treatment possible. They have doctors that come whenever you call,even in the middle of the night.
What a wonderful compassionate wise communicator and nurse you are Deb. Proud to know you xx
Awww much love to this beautiful woman
My mom died 12 years ago from a very rare disease none of really knew that she was dying, but we did know she was getting sicker. I went in at least one day a week to take care of her. Rub her feet, run all over town to find something she’d eat and just try to help in any way I could. We never talked about what was really happening, or about what she might want in the end. If she had maybe her death would have been less traumatic for her, maybe she could have died at home.
It was only a few days after her death that we found out she’d been talking all along to her best friend and neighbor about her disease, her approaching death and her final wishes. That hurt. Her I was, her daughter, the one sacrificing one to two days a week for months to take care of her. To this day I am hurt and saddened by it. If she’d only spoken to me....*
That was wonderful. You showed that there can beauty in the messiness, and laughter in the sadness. Importance in communication. I will be watching this over and over again.
*Sorry to ramble.
This was a unique and touching way to discuss a difficult subject matter. With many difficult topics, I agree that the best way to tackle them is to have open and honest communication. As you stated, there are so many classes and people to speak to with matters about bringing life into this world but end of life is a more sensitive subject. Hospice is difficult for everyone involved but I believe trying to normalize and bring more supportive conversation by allowing loved ones to be as involved as they can be shifts perspectives for those are left on this earth, especially from a healing point of view. This video reminded me of a major point of how end of life care should be centered around giving the person whose life is ending dignity and autonomy but also a sense of closure to the family. Death should not be an “elephant in the room” because it makes it taxing on everyone involved. Emotions need to be expressed and conversations need to be had as much as possible while you still can with your loved ones. Everyone battles with hardships differently so I can see this being harder to implement because the idea of finality is a difficult one to fathom. However, I think easing into the conversation as well as making those final moments for a loved one would bring more peace and comfort in the end to the family. From a pragmatic standpoint, having a plan for the funeral arrangements would also take a sense of stress off those involved when the time came. Hospice and palliative care are meant to make those final moments easier and not more difficult and while it may be jarring to discuss sad moments when one may want to preserve good memories, these steps may help us normalize the process by making the end-of-life process better for those going through it.
This is a unique look at an obviously very difficult topic to address. I personally have met many people near the end of their lives in my work as a nursing assistant, and each day was a very humbling experience. I was struck when the speaker said, "when someone is told they are dying, they will have thought about it. But they might not have talked about it." I guess on the other side of it, you never know what a person is really going through when they are told they are dying. You can't know if they have really discussed what they are feeling with their loved ones. So providers and friends or families should be looking out for opportunities to have open dialogue with them, given they are ready to talk about it. It's important to take into account a person's autonomy, and fully understand what their wishes as regarding end of life care. Otherwise, how will we know what a person truly wants if we never have these open conversations with people? The field of epistemology within philosophy can helps elucidate many difficult end of life decisions, as drawing knowledge from various fields I believe can best help us make the best decision for ourselves. If you think about it, we naturally use this tactic when we make difficult decisions. Whenever we are unsure, we can draw on all the knowledge that we have, related either to our own social constructs, religious beliefs, or emotionally related. Again, I'm grateful for this talk and for the speaker bring up such important information about end of life! And how we can make end of life matter both for the patient and for ourselves if we are the ones involved in helping a loved one going through this type of situation!
This is an absolutely amazing perspective on what can be a very challenging topic. It’s difficult to think about situations when our loved ones are dying, but it’s important to have that conversation. Being able to give our loved ones autonomy in their choices by having those hard conversations before it’s too late can be very freeing. In my past, after losing loved ones, it is challenging to know what to do because we hadn’t discussed expectations or wishes. When my grandma passed away, she was in a nursing home and we all took turns “saying our goodbyes” and that was kind of it. The funeral was where we talked about her life and our thoughts of her, but looking back, I think she would have appreciated all of us in the room talking about all the good times, instead of feeling like we had to be ‘hush hush’. I have discussed with friends that have had similar experiences with grandparents/parents where the series of events surrounding death felt very stuffy and directed by someone else. I am glad to have this perspective as I see my parents age and am able to have these conversations with them and ensure they have what they want and no one is left guessing or arguing. Although the conversation may feel sad, I know that in the long run this is the best course of action and more people should participate in these conversations with their loved ones so they are able to abide by their wishes so they have the end-of-life care that allows that transition to be comfortable for them.
“I ain’t dying in no fuckin’ holiday inn” 😂😂 - great talk Debs
Great talk - inspiring, practical, compassionate, humorous - respect and love to you Deb.
This is a very moving talk. While I was listening to Ms. Wilkes talk about end of life care and the variety of places a patient can die, a question occurred to me. Are hospitals exploiting the passing of patients by keeping them at a hospital? These patients can acquire a large hospital bill by spending the last few weeks of life at a hospital, rather than dying at home. Are finances discussed with patients and their family when making the decision for end-of-life care?
Wow Deb you're amazing. You're such an inspiration. Keep up the good work.
Welcome God bless u take care.... You are not bound You are free to make your decision anytime
My heart rate is over 100. I can’t I can’t I can’t if my mom dies I die I die I die a thousand times I can’t live without her
Thqnk you for this amazing story
Love her
Good talk!
Week 7 preclass questions at chamberlain lol