Sometimes they can praise or more often speak about your accomplishments to other people… but only really because it helps build their self esteem. They don’t really see you.
It took me 46 years to realize there was no peace, no grace, no approval, no genuine love to be expressed by our mother. Effort and success on her behalf were reliably met with denial, marginalization, envy, rage, physical or emotional abuse. No matter how much effort I put into comforting, loving, spending time with Mom, she would ultimately reciprocate with backbiting, mockery, ridicule, and misconstruing to her "friends" and flying monkeys. There was no "winning". So, as a middle-aged man, I finally walked away. To her dying day, she continued to project her problems onto us scapegoats. So pathetic! It's a fool's errand to attempt to correct her lies, to prove the truth to the narcissist's enablers and codependents. The best route is the one that leads away to new opportunities, to people who know how to love and accept.
It won't matter what you do to prove your worth, and show they were wrong about you. It will still not be good enough, or if you outshine them, they will be angry and act even worse toward you.
That's exactly what I observe. I've realized in life I've attracted people who treated me the same as my relatives. I've felt I have to "prove" that I am worthy of somebody attention. That I am trustworthy, etc. That I am NOT anything wrong. But their feedback was always: "no matter what you do, you will never be good enough". "No matter what you do, you will never get what you deserve to get". The same exact treatment from: multiple relatives, schoolmates, teachers, work etc. No matter how much work you do, you won't be paid for it. It's crazy to me, how those patterns repeat. I am still healing from it, I am learning I can call someone without feeling guilty that I waste their precious time. It's terrible to feel that you have to "prove" someone, that you are worthy of their breadcrumbs.
These days I always stand up for myself or quietly withdraw from the relationship in varying degrees. Nevertheless I still get tagged as a possible recipient of manipulations, etc. I have concluded this is not only because of my open mindeded but because of how that of reflected in my body language together with my stooped shoulders (from cringing during my childhood) that mark me as a possible compliant victim.
Yes I can understand and reflect the identical feelings. It seems the people on the recovery journey are self aware. Competent. Trustworthy. Accountable. Moral. Etc... I've found far too many are insulted by these virtues and ethics. It stifles my soul and spirit. Everyone seems so defensive. Ya can't say anything remotely logical or neutral without attack. I fully innerstand the aspects that society is kind of a mess and all. I certainly accept not all people are good people. I can agree to disagree. But man...I don't take personal criticism when someone disagrees w me. Or someone has a different perspective. And as much as I do understand psychopathy, I'll never get used to people being pissed off at morals or ethics or rationality. Personally, I experience this from the majority, and it's disheartening. I'm also seeing a group think tribal gaslighting phenomenon when only one person can get so angry at morality n logic, then witness an entire group partake in gaslighting or victimizing that truth speaker. It's apparent... The scape goat will always be that scapegoat role. However, we dont EVER have to accept the lies or brutality as our fault. I certainly won't. Scapegoats are beautiful black stallions n the tribe I wanna herd with. I hope to eventually meet others who stand in their values n moral code. I know they're out there somewhere.
I keep finding myself in the same "pattern" as well, yet I wonder how much of the pattern is attributable to me, as opposed to it being a pattern that runs through large segments of society. Maybe narcissists simply don't get along very well, seeing as they are all takers. They can only have pretend, zero nutritional value type of interractions among eachother. And so they "get along" with you. I think they just might find your authenticity unacceptable, because it reflects their own weakness back to them. Very much like in a game where you're getting ahead and winning, the other participants can collude in an unspoken, tacit pact to take you down, even at the same table and in your presence, no official conspiracy need to established. But of course, in a one versus one setting, you'd be whooping their ass. This is increasingly my understanding of the situation, unfortunately... So I would say, take it as a sign that you're winning, the criticism you're receiving is a trick of reverse psychology. They are desperate to eliminate everything that reflects back poorly at them and will often go to any lengths to do so.
I’m so sorry you’ve had those experiences. You point out something not often addressed in discussions of narcissistic abuse in childhood. Somehow, I’ve found other people to make me feel the way my parents made me feel, because I believed their narrative about me. That I was useless, helpless, and disgustingly flawed. That’s how we are groomed to be narcissist magnets, and they will stand in line to destroy us. I hope you’ve found ways to distance and protect yourself. I know I feel like I’ve spent my life picking my way through minefields, but it’s getting easier to spot them and disarm them, now.
The old adage that 'the best revenge is living well' must have been invented by abused kids of narcissistic parents - nothing seems to get under their skin more than seeing their own kids do well in life after a childhood of being told how worthless they are . Really something to strive for for scapegoats . I was my covert narc mother's lifelong scapegoat and eventually also my overt narc father's target for abuse . The most memorable thing I was called almost daily was a 'rotten good for nothing' . Dozens of other names , insults , putdowns and threats of physical harm and death constantly. . NO CONTACT was the only way for me to deal with this later . It is criminal that parents get away with treating young minds and bodies in these most abusive ways . These same wicked people actually believe their beaten down victims owe them care and support in their old age . Whenever I hear someone being criticized for not being involved in their parents' care in later years I will always say that there was probably a lot more going on in that home during earlier years than you know about .
THIS^^ BOMB ASS COMMENT YASSS 🖤❤️🔥❤️🔥 “The Best Revenge is Living Well” is so freaking good! I literally think that every day in relation to people who have abused me horrifically in the past and now are pissed that I’ve blocked them from my life 🙌🎸
This video is about letting go of that entire endeavor, to strive for outward displays of success to impress or prove the narc family wrong. Do it for yourself after going no contact.
Excellent comment. Your story sounds familiar to mine. I am now at that point with both of my parents needing/expecting care in their late years. I have recently gone very very grey rock with my Mom. I can't stomach being near her, but at the same time feel guilt. I know she is a product of her abusive childhood and is stuck in her internal hell. Which she seems to love. But I still feel bad not talking to her. Keeping my distance to protect myself and take care of me.
I was genuinely excited to be a part of a “start up” company and I was bubbling with ideas. They stole my ideas, copied my LinkedIn profile word for word and posted a job posting for the position I pitched with my LinkedIn profile content. Then when they went from hot to cold in our correspondence, I figured they had other more urgent priorities in a high-caliber start-up. So I paused, but then tried a sales pitch strategy for the job I wanted, and they needed. Hindsight, they already were unprofessional. And I overlooked that abuse. Why? I was genuinely excited. I was trying to escape an abusive situation in my personal life, and contract work is a grind and I wanted to make a more steady contribution to a growing company. But hindsight- I overlooked a yellow and red flag. Big Mistake. I regret not trusting Steve Job’s opinion of this individual. I just didn’t value myself in that kind of league. I didn’t think that applied to me or my situation. Then they perjured charges, presumably they were scared I was coming after them, for stealing my ideas and work. Or they thought it was funny. They over-reacted and intentionally committed ongoing abusive harassment to trigger me, in a legal strategy to discredit and harm me. It sort of worked. Because initially I didn’t expect they were so disrespectful and unprofessional. They stole my ideas and harassed me. I got over that fairly quickly. It was the continued sadistic legal perjury and aggressive harassment including weekly b&e, theft, perjury in court, and destruction of my personal property. The list goes on. It showed me who I don’t want to deal with.
Somewhere along the line I got the idea that this whole situation was actually a complex existential test that I had to pass because God wouldn't grant me happy afterlife if I didn't prove some kind of "soul competence" and be as clever as a protagonist in a fairy tale. Like I had to fix my dad's continuously evolving wrong opinions and literally get him to admit he'd been wrong up til now...if I didn't do that, God would be ashamed of me, and that meant never experiencing Heaven someday. Long time later in therapy I realized that the very, very young me had identified my caregivers with the Biblical God and that was who I'd been trying to be a magically clever, worthy storybook heroine to. At first that was one of the most painful realizations of my life, that I'd spent decades feeling so worthless that God would discard me into the burn barrel for being such a disappointment. I felt very sad that I'd been set up to see my loser a-hoke father as godlike. Later, I got blistering angry. I still am. And if I'm not really diligent, I fall right back into proving "god" wrong.
HEAVY mate. Perceptive. Just going to dangle this word and see what you think.. “Perfectionist” Your parents? You? Your journey? Ok then what about “Critic”? Or, was it more about “claiming your right to be you?” Seen Heard Felt Understood Honored
My mother was an insidious covert narcissist, and I know exactly why. She lost her mother at the age of four, and a year later, her father married a woman who abused her and her sister. She was told that, if she were good, she could see her mother again in heaven. She was so good, she could never admit to any flaw, or error. She funneled all that stuff to me. Generational trauma really sucks.
Since I have realised the ‘game’ that has been played on me, by all the narcissistic people in my life - I’ve lost that anxious need to prove myself. Instead of my lifelong inward questioning of ‘how can I change/improve’? I’ve started some outward questioning ‘why is this person treating me this way? What’s their agenda?’ This process was delayed massively by the philosophy that we can’t change other people, only ourselves. That may be true, but sometimes the only thing we need to change in ourselves is our toleration and openness to others. But if you’ve endured a lot of abuse, first you have to build a structure of ‘self’ in order to differentiate yourself and build an identity other than the one projected on you.
Yes, we have compromised our self so much to fit what the narc wanted, to get a few love crumbs and survive our shitty confusing childhood while striving not to be completely shunned. So then, at some point in our healing we have to ask "Who Am I?" Well, for me after being saturated in suffering for 48 years, Ive come to realize, through deep meditation, I Am Consciousness Itself, and so is every "thing" and every one "else". Who would ever have thought I would see the immense heart-aching pain I have endured as a blessing? Because it would drive me to one-pointedly seek and find the Truth of existence, like my life depended on it. I not only found the truth behind my shitty upbringing, but the entire ball game itself. P.S It has nothing to do with the Bible or organized religion.
@consciousnessitself I’m so happy for you! Yes that is a benefit, though I spent years exploring spirituality, non-duality not realising how totally traumatised I was & the spiritual teachers were as a whole totally by-passing those realities to terrible effect for their followers. But yes absolutely the best way of looking at it all, is the strengths we have developed because if the challenges we have survived. I like to think of myself as a trauma-athlete albeit not on a sports track, but in bed and falling apart and suffering, but eventually breaking through..
@@annastone5624 Yes very good, trauma athletes, a mega marathon of trauma endured. On Xmas eve this year my car broke down, I have avoidant personality disorder, but I was forced to go into the main house (I live in a caravan) and ask my landlord to borrow 1 of his 2 cars. We ended up talking for a long while. Although I have lived there for 5 years I hardly knew him. I spontaneously went into relationship with my Guru Adi Da Samraj, I started channeling helpful guidance for my landlords suffering. He revealed he had a suppressive childhood, it seems he was also a scapegoat, his sister was treated better than him, and he felt he had no voice and had retreated into his inner world as a child. A Fijian women who was living with us that I hadnt met yet (because of my avoidance) came into the room and sat down to listen to what I was saying. After a while my landlord left the room and it was just her and I talking. I asked her if she had heard of the Island of Naitaumba in the outer Islands of Fiji (where my Guru has His Ashram), she looked shocked and said yes! My village directly faces Naitaumba! Within an hour of talking she understood she had been having a spiritual relationship with Adi Da her entire life and on this day He had made Himself known to her. Then she revealed she was a trauma specialist and would be my therapist (I have never sought professional help because of my avoidant personality). We are truly Blessed and the Divine knows our pain, in detail.
Jay is one of the most intelligent sensitive pople on here. He tackles deep emotional issues of the abused child in such a way that it goes much deeper than the everyday cliched speak about narcissism that has started to just go over my head. I had a very complex childhood. I was unknowingly the product of my mothers affair a third child who was to become part of the original family with my 'step' dad knowing about the affair but deciding to stay with my mum and his two other daughters. What followed over the years I can only describe as a nightmare! I was subjected to narcissism by all family members I believe. The dynamic was a rageful victim type mum who suffered from depression and despondency coupled with bouts of kindness A distant father who actively favouritised his two birth daughters leaving me out of trips games and holidays and two sisters who conspired on a regular basis to trick me leave me out and aggressively push me away.As the youngest i was gaslighted into believing that i was spoilt and strong willed as i fought to be accepted at other times i tried to play the victim to get my own way. I knew nothing about my real dad My mum had confided in my middle sister who was the ' Golden' child and she ended up being the one who actually met my real father and felt so justified in this she told me how 'nice` he was! I was not able to tell anyone about my dad until i was in my 30s i had found out through a christmas card whrn i was 14! We were brought up strictly to present as a `normal` family. I am in my third narcissitic adult partnership ( i have married two of them! ) Two of my children that i poured so much of my unconditional love into( in that small child way of wanting acceptance at any cost) have become narcissitic! My early years have had such an impact on my adult life my family have stubbornly refused to ever understand or even concede that there was anything wrong my mum has even gone as far as to suggest i had the best of both worlds even though i never met my father and half of my family is missing from my life! I am so glad i found Jay and i cannot wait to do the course. Todays video reduced me to tears because that small child when you do manage to finally get some distance is such a beautiful child worthy of love and blameless in a situation where there was no control.
Gosh you are strong Lisa! That really shines out of your words 🌟. Not only that, you sound wise and like a really great person. I wish for you, myself and everybody else who has suffered here that we may BELIEVE the TRUTH that we CAN have GREAT PEOPLE in OUR LIVES 😲💕😀
I’m glad you’re able to finally see yourself! Courage, wisdom, and endurance are not easy to come by, but you have them, you’ve come through a winner! It is such a victory when you realize you’re not who they say you are. I know you still struggle, and I hope your life gets better and better, until you have no emotional response to your family’s bs. And I hope you have some joy and beauty in your day!
@@estereatlikeyagranny9752 i was in shock for a long time but detachmrnt with no engagement concerning ongoing accusations Checking my own reality with myself and other non narcissitic people and focussing on my own recovery without bearing malice or trying to score points ❤
When I asked my dad for help with math, he always yelled and got mad at me!! English was his best subject so he helped me sometimes. For some reason, my dad meant the world to me, but I couldn’t get him to connect with me. Instead, he wanted to shut down my voice and make me invisible to him!!
Jay, your channel is a "ONE STOP SHOP" for explaining all of the madness we experienced! Thank you so much for your wisdom, knowledge, insight and enlightenment! 🙏💜💚
So easy to not care what they think now that I know the inner workings of how they became a narcissist. Learning that deep down on the inside the narcissist is nothing more than a cowardly scared pathetic clown constantly on the verge of pooping their pants was the most enlightening part of letting all of that go, made it so easy. It's like oh, this is who is intimidating me or oh this is that gorgeous hunk of man who it's supposed to love me. Oh okay nah😜
This definitely hits home! Intertwined with previous "human being vs human doing". These type of people never appreciate your human being, so no need to bother with human doing. They will never be happy and delighted in you just being you. They don't deserve your precious time, your precious emotions and your precious efforts. They are just thieves and liars.
Yes, thieves and liars who are pathologically envious and full of rage seeking to "punish" anyone who doesn't think the way they want them to. That is their human doing.
My narc father knows absolutely nothing about me. He has never asked me any personal questions ever, and is fully occupied talking about himself, his life, how the world should function and how people should think and behave.....Definitely in line with they never appreciate you as a human being.
My mother treated me like the scapegoat entire life. Silent treatment started at early age. I am now 60. Finally started no contact 2015. Gave them (mother sister another chance 2019) but went down hill after one year! All I did was jump hoops to prove myself again. Taking care of all my mother appts etc meanwhile sister golden child did nothing and got all the kudos. Done. Now I’m back to no contact with sister and low low grey contact with 88 year old mother. Trust/Will held over my head … unfortunately only reason I’m grey rock. Got nothing whole life and can’t let my sister flying monkey get it all to the end. Sounds bad I know but anger always there for me. Joanne
My sit. almost identical to yours scapegoated from before birth mum hoovered me back to my home town when I had 3 small children and my own relationship was failing badly, when I had burnt my boats she started back with the outrageous unnecessary nastiness but with 4 viable targets now. My golden sister piled on and her own brat was (and still is) idolized by my mother she was actually trained by both of them and is now even worse than both. When my sister's husbands constant stress levels gave him a massive stroke mum became afraid that this would be her fate ( he was abandoned first in a bare house then an apu whilst my sister spent his pensions and the house revenue),which mum tacitly approved of as she got the attention while he was being so pointedly ignored. Anyway mum made me lasting power of attorney and executor cos when sis had spent that she started in on how mum should take equity release to ' give us a better start ' basically that was just a put off so as not to be bothered by sis pestering her about it every day. Then mum had a stroke and I have been blanked, gaslit smeared, attacked threatened and discarded. My personal space sifted through molecule by molecule once they had managed to manoeuvre me out of the house, looking for the will. Mischief following me around when the hoover didn't work,so much that I can not tell even people I trust where I live in case it gets back. Mum has enabled sis and niece in everything and couldn't stop if she tried but it is much worse now they are putting ALL the words into her mouth, cos it seems like the only neural pathway that is functioning normally with her now is the massive 10 lane autobahn of dislike that she has had for me since my conception. Tricky eh?
This helps me so much with my in-laws using me as scapegoate to cover for all the dysfunction in the family. They were so covert... passive aggressive... Maddening! Thank you Jay!! I am ordering the book.
In my retirement at mid 60s I've finally learned to stop trying to earn my worth. I've probably gone the other way and am under-performing on a regular basis. (Though not making promises I won't keep!) It feels gloriously decadent and freeing to finally be at peace with myself. The idea of finding and speaking to my younger self is amazing and will be next on my healing work list. Thank you so much Jay, you're in a class of your own 💖
I remember at eight years old, my dad said, how dare you make breakfast for yourself and not make breakfast for your brother! I realized that my father was not a good person and that he wanted me to be his mother instead of his daughter.
I have been conditioned to believe that I am only worthy of consideration through my association with my family and other people. I have organized my life through the viewpoint of others and how much they approve of me and approve of how I live my life. Now that I am trying not to live for anyone else, I am feeling like I don't have a right to exist just for myself. I'm having to learn how to perceive my life in a whole new way, living life based on what I am feeling, and what I need and want. To shift my perspective, I have to keep asking myself how I am feeling and what I need, then giving my self time and space to figure it out.
I have the same problem. Conditioned to believe that I'm valuable only when I help others, furthermore - that I have the right to exist only when I help others and I am the first one to sacrifice for the wellbeing of "normal" people. Religious abuse also took it part in conditioning.
@@goldieh7121 thank you! This guilt is really harder to combat than guilt pushed down from another human being with personality disorder. No amount of safe people can outweigh this type of guilt. I left organized religion, but I'm not an atheist also. It's a tricky place to be - I left for myself a chance that some higher power really exists and I feel my prayers heard and answered when I reach out for help, but at the same time I feel like reinforcing the destructive (necessary for survival in childhood) pattern of reaching out to unsafe person, hoping narcissistic parental figure will change and fulfill my longing for unconditional love.
@@RK-qs5dy Yes, getting out of the habits that we developed to survive feels impossible. I have moments where I consider the possibility of letting myself be saved, but then I remember that with the comfort comes the eventual lack of free will and I will have lost any chance to grow. And, I have finally come to terms with the fact that comfort does not equal true safety. Maybe religious control can be so much more damaging because it threatens our spiritual survival, not just physical. I believe that people who using fear, obligation and guilt, do not have good intentions. I think excessive guilt is a sign that we've been emotionally manipulated, not that we're bad. Anyone can interpret religious teachings to control others. I believe that we can only trust our own interpretation of religion.
@@goldieh7121 I returned to this comment section to thank you 🌸 TH-cam shows it has been only 2-3 weeks ago, but I feel now like miles or ages away from that mental/emotional/physical state reflected in my first reply. It helped a lot to be able to even write it to someone, I had a tangible sense of relief. Thank you for being safe, compassionate and understanding. Being able to tell the truth about my struggle made tremendous difference.
You described my father = the covert narcissist. He was the altruistic narcissist who focused on others with church missions and humanitarian initiatives. As a child in the 90s I would often joke that one day they would invent a device to permanently attach the phone to someone’s head since my father was always on the phone. So I now joke that I’m the inventor of Bluetooth technology. My father, along with me, was my borderline (narcissistic) mom’s primary target. He often would lean on me to vent his feelings about my mom and how she mistreated him. He was never interested in my experiences and would cut me off when I attempted to share them. So this became the dynamic from childhood and into adulthood. Never once did my father offer any sort of protection from my mom. He used my mom’s borderline personality disorder as an excuse to play victim and do whatever he wanted. She gave him this cover and he milked it. I found it difficult to reconcile why he advocated for strangers but would challenge my mom on the grocery bill and back to school clothes for me and my four siblings. Despite my mom’s failings she provided for our necessities with home cooked meals, back to school clothes and regular dental checkups. Me and my siblings were regularly caught in the middle because both parents had valid arguments sometimes. The only one who offered anyone protection was me as child attempting to defend my dad. Likewise, I did the same for my mom and took on the role of protecting her from herself with her constant threats of suicide. My mom convinced me and my siblings she would die young from from heart failure or some disease. I have news for you, she turns 65 next week and has never had significant health issues despite claims to the otherwise. I was always waiting for the day my dad would “show up”. Meaning, be the father I knew he was capable of. This was because I saw it exhibited with his altruism. But his “kindness” and “empathy” were always directed at strangers and their children. My role was relegated to be his audience and applaud him for his work. It was a liberating and sad day in my mid 30s when I finally realized my dad was never going to show up for me. Despite me explicitly asking him with specificity of what I needed from him. He played dumb and acted confused when I shared some of the abuse I experienced at the hands of my mom. I knew I was going no contact. I made a failed attempt a few years ago. In my second attempt, when I included my dad in the pool of people I broke contact with is when I was finally able to do it successfully. What I didn’t know until just before no contact was that my dad was in on it with my mom, playing both sides. The person who has hoovered me and has been relentless in attempting to draw me back in has been my father. I was his little confidant for so long, the good and dutiful daughter. His arrogance gave him the false conclusion that he had me for life, because I had accepted his crumbs for decades.
I feel like social media, "social justice", performative activism (including church activities) gave this good-doing competition a whole new level of narcissistic abuse, where sincere kindness and sincere empathy pales in comparison with relentless pr campaign of good-doers. Because there will be emotional burnout, if someone tries to measure up and to do such amount of work sincerely. I still feel like I'm failing to care about others because I don't check all the boxes of activities and attitude to "look" caring. It's such a strange feeling.
That's exactly the relationship I had with my dad. He was also in on it with my mom. He financially exploited and abused me. All these years he acted to empathize with me wrt the abuse I endured from my dark triad personality mother. She is a psychopathic machiavelistic covert narcissist. Once I started standing up for myself, without needing the validation from my father, he took her side when I called the police. Started to be overtly abusive towards me, sent flying monkeys and the works. That's when I realized he too is a narcissist.
I agree social media is a new vehicle for grandiose and altruistic narcissists to showcase the manufactured image they want to present. I don't take any stock or measure myself against them because I know their charity is inorganic. This is because I know some of them in real life. This includes my father. Despite being in his kid 60s he's a vlogger on TH-cam. He's talented in many areas. Expect it's all for his benefit. He made himself available to strangers and created superficial bonds with them. But never took the time create bonds with his kids. I remember sitting quietly listening him talk about how great his friends children were. I wanted to tell him "you have great kids too".
I'm glad your father exposed who is really is. I think I felt far more betrayed by my father because he pretended to be my friend. I had listened to so many stories of people who had gone no contact and I did not envision my parents would follow the same playbook. I had to call the police too. My mom broke into my house pretending she was concerned for me. I panicked, I begged her to leave and she was coming toward me. So I called the police. I had no one to call for help, not my dad, not my brothers, not my sisters. No one has ever helped so it was not an option to call them. I still have mixed feelings about that day. But I have never been able to diffuse things with my mom, it always led to her being violent. I didn't want a violent altercation in my home. None of my family called afterwards. My mom called everyone to get sympathy. I didn't mention it for months thinking maybe she said nothing. But then I told my brother what happened and he told me he knew all about it. There was a long pause.... I asked him and "you didn't call me to find out what happened". I learned a lot about my family during the six months in the run up to no contact. I hope your father has no access to you. I cut everyone off. Including my two brothers which I attempted to keep a relationship with. But they cowered to my parents and would share information about me. They didn't protect me, regardless if I was no contact.
@@taniabluebell3099 I am so sorry about the violence from your mother. Good call for calling police on her for intruding into your personal home. It seems your brothers liked that you were the one taking on the abuse and not them. I have 3 other siblings, they definitely liked the hierarchy. They loved being the "favorite" children. When my mom escalated her abuse towards me, she also escalated the love bombing towards my sisters. They loved being cooked for traditional food. And being the only ones asked if they need food. I have been no contact for almost 10 months now. My dad still sends flying monkeys, using machiavelism to try to still have access to me. I have been physically abused, financially abused and emotionally and psychologically abused by every single member of the family. No contact with everyone now is the only option I had.
I am 70. My narc mom is still alive and she still has pow er over me. I've been in therapy for bipolar since age of 20. My father was bipolar narc. Today I heard something hopeful in ur video. I realized I still try to prove my worth to my mother, even though I have financially supported her all my life. Thank u for ur important work.
I know you don't know me personally but you just read me. And that's exactly the relationship I had with my father. I once asked my father if he thought I was a smart person. I mean I worked hard my entire life to gain his validation, I didn't socialize enough as a teen in order to get good grades so I can get into the best University. And I graduated, got my degree. My dad still didn't think I was smart. He still talked down on me. Belittled my business and just treated me badly despite spending years to gain his validation. Also I stopped expecting bread crumbs from him. He didn't spend a single day with me, and when I demanded more, he became more overtly abusive. I called the police on him and my mother. They lied on me and gaslit me and the police. He said he won't change. 2 days later, I went No contact with him. He has been trying to hover me back.
Wow. That sucks. I never expected to get any validation from either parent. Idk why, I suspect I tested them (craving this) when I was 7 and 8 years of age and realized it just wasn’t in their emotional range. Your experience sounds traumatic. Like you really just needed some show of support from your parents and you didn’t get it. I’m sorry 😢 I have experienced it in other ways. It’s very painful. Journaling, music, finding healthy creative passions so you can give yourself the validation and support you need and deserve.
From my experience, it’s possible your Father is overly rigid. Like he believes there are only two roles, two positions. It sounds competitive and dogmatic. I feel people were brainwashed in previous generations to behave this way.
I felt like it took any shade the person felt like they needed in the moment. Prove them: right that im good, wrong that im bad, right that im bad and wrong that im good.
This reminds me of my narcissistic crazy mother. On day after I've cleaned up the house I was al sweaty and we she said to me "Your face is so sweaty" I dared say "yes I've just cleaned up all the rooms". She responded "Aaaw poor thing you are soooo tired after cleaning, poor little star"
Thanks again for this. ❤ I was carrying around alot of heaviness and not sure why until I realized It was multiple narcissists in my life. Friends, strangers, family. I lost myself. I didnt know what was happening to me... I have talent but yet I don't feel motivated because nobody seems to Value me and shows ruthless demeaning devaluing behaviours. These videos help me save my mental health when I have another resources and no support. I felt so invisible
I can’t even with this video. I mean. Seriously Dr Reid. MIND BLOWN 🤯 thank you. My jaw dropped a few minutes into this one and …. Just Thank you. So much. ❤️
My covert enabler dad never connected to me. I tried to invite him jogging an activity we shared but he would never connect. He never protected me from mom’s depression and constant cruelty. He raged and terrorized me for nothing I could have done to deserve it. As an adult i see he was taking his personal anger for unrelated things out on me! I always thought I did or said something wrong or that he only had enough love for mom not me. It is eye opening to think He chose to be this because he thought highly if himself. That makes a lot more sense.
This really struck a chord. I will work on bringing the angry acheiver child into the light and give her the credit and love she is long overdue. Thank you
This resonated. Dad died when I was 5. Mom went to work. Caregivers were older sibs who abuse the two youngest. They still do. They dont know it, but they do. For my 16th birthday, they gave me luggage. It was not subtle
Jay your content is crazy good. I guess when I have need to recovery from crazy bad, I’m gonna when a solution that’s crazy good. Thank you! You’re work is helping change my life for the better.
I believe that I can heal my trauma bond and childhood wounds with many long years of therapy. I wish that Dr. Reid was my therapist back in 1990 when I first started my journey for healing. My first therapist didn’t have my back and she told me to send my dad a 25 page letter. However, she wasn’t well versed on subhuman narcissistic behavior at all. Back in the nineties people were living like cavemen without technology or modern psychology. Of course, my dad called me and asked, what’s up with the empty envelope? When I tried to hold him accountable, he yelled “I was in the Military!!” My mother has issues with depression, Bpd, and she took my dad’s side against me to be scathing and cruel!!!
I so relate to this the quest. The grades even had anorexia nervosa to try to show my “ father” that i was good. Sometimes i still feel this urge professionaly or in my life but i dont act on it when i know where its coming from
Thanks for highlighting IFS, Jay. I did a year of work daily with my parts. I would have conversations with my younger parts, listen to what they had to say, give them love, support and compassion. I feel that work helped me become more integrated and whole as a person.
This is the experience I had. A covert narcist mother and a father who only like me when I needed his help. Thanks for this video, its very insightful.
Proving to mother I am good, proving to father I am capable of taking on responsibility. I prove to the myself I can keep my parents together. Proving to siblings I can help them or I am nice. Proving I am not mean just because I'm upset. Proving I am thin like mom, I can stop eating. Proving I have no feelings. Proving I am funny to cover my pain. Honestly, it didn't work. It wore me out. And, i was capable, smart and successful, but I end up destroying my own life- to prove they were right.
I remember when I was a young kid, my mom was putting cream on her face looking into the mirror. She looked depressed and my narcissistic father also looked strange and upset.
Thank you Thank you for helping me to see these patterns. It is so soul killing to grow up in these environments. I am really struggling to show people my value that I get used and exploited. I am also beginning to see what toxic shame is - an unconscious and sometimes conscious belief of inherantly bad, ugly, worthless, poor character. Therefore, I need to prove that I am not. It has led me to share my internal wealth with others and then I attract users who take advantage of my good nature and then when they have what they want they discard me. This then triggers the belief that I did or said something wrong or that I am annoying. This is a terrible way to feel. Can you do a video on toxic shame?
So helpful Jay, from the other side of the world ur powerful explanations are a deep well in a desert of understanding. “Accurate hopelessness 🙌🏾 Thank u 🙏🏾
Very Relevant To My Life Story. Learning To Grieve The Father I Never Had. Noticing Something In Me Fixated From Getting Validation From Just That Source. I Guess Thats Just The Childs Way Of Relating To The World Doesn't Know Any Better.
Thank you, you're so right about everything. It's so true. I got C-Ptsd from the abuse. I am 47 female who is the oldest out of five children my parents had. I always been the black sheep in my family. I went to Jesus cause of the abuse. Jesus is our hope. God is Love. I know my worth and values. My peace comes from God. God is great all the time. I have support from friends from church. I been a Christian for over ten years. Both of my parents are Narcissists so is my grandmother. My brothers and sisters are Narcissists Enablers. Narcissists never loved us at all Narcissists care about us at all. Narcissists are broken people Narcissists are liars Narcissists are insecure people Narcissists are evil souls from the Devil Narcissists are fake and phony people
I want to plead my case to the subhuman who used me as an emotional dumpster and was unworthy of my presence. I remember when he complained about how the government could take children away that were getting severely abused.
ifs is really complicated. ive been 3 years in my healing journey almost. yes, i was taught i needed to earn love or stuff work really hard for it. The narc parent kept moving the goal post. I struggle with perfectionism at times. I am a vulnerable and authentic person, who shares his feelings, and has worked a lot on boundaries as i was the scapegoat and knowing that i have a right to take my space in the world. To express myself and opinion and feelings. I guess understanding that i just deserve love as i am, or i am worthy. Ive done a lot of healing and changed a lot of the feelings of unworthiness, or "inadequacy" that the narc projected at me. I can be articulate, i process things a lot , as an empath, i guess. I like to share the insights i have about my recovery, i like to share my views and thoughts. I like to take my space in the world, and advocate for my needs. All of these are things ive picked up in my recovery... At times though, just relaxing, just being and chilling, letting my guard down a little, can be difficult, also specially if the people that are around me in that moment dont have much love to give anyway. Nice healing process it has been, i know which people are more emotionally available. I guess the narc parent always projected that i wasnt good enough. Ive worked hard to heal, ive attuned a lot, ive taken care of myself , ive spoken up for myself and my inner child. Ive learnt to listen to myself, and give voice to my inner child. I come from an authentic place when i expressmyslef, and not a survival mechanism of fawning. Maybe becoming aware, that i am enough , or that if i have to make too much of an effort to be seen and take my space, those arent my people. Perhaps work on continuing healing in myself, the belief, that i must be in "top performance" so to speak at all times, to be able to be seen or heard. The healing began 3 years ago. And i am a person with a lot more self-respect, a lot more self-compassion, able to speak up for myself a lot more. Able to leave narcisistic people in my family, or in other parts, quickly that have nothing to give . Abble to communicate in his relationships, etc.
perfect!. both my parents hated me... this what i went thru with both narc parents... they are both dead now and doing better and still working on being the power that i am.
I get triggered every time I watch a video. I believe I have healed and am working on it daily, it's just Jay's words are so true and can relate 100 percent.
Thank you so much putting out these videos, Jay🙏 This one may be the most pivotal one for me so far. It feels that you put yourself unsparingly, intensely into imparting your insights to us so that we could benefit from them. So they wouldn't become only head-level knowledge. One can sense that you know from personal experience the suffering narcissistic abuse inflicts on one and that your insights are rooted in that ground. You connect the dots in a more detailed and sensitive way than other therapists and coaches I've watched on TH-cam... filling in the blanks.
This one really hit home for me. Thank you Jay, for making these important videos. I feel like you are a compassionate, caring person that truly wants to provide good, detailed information to help people heal.
Dr. Reid, I'm not sure where to put this request, and I'm not sure if I should be contacting a grief specialist instead, but I would love if you did a video on 1) grieving the death of a narcissistic parent, and 2) grieving the loss of a living relative that one had to go no contact with. I know there are specialists in complicated grief, but I love your videos and your straight forward manner in talking about these things. I still find myself grieving the death of my narc father after almost ten years, and also my sister who is in denial that he was a narcissist. Thank you.
You know, I've done about 18 months of EMDR in the past, and I've been in therapy for most of my adult life, and I only recently realized I had to start thinking of what happened to me as narcissistic abuse. I've spent the last year sussing out what relationships in the past were toxic in that way, but I've really been stuck in that period of arguing with my abusers internally. I've also aspired to really high achievement, but I struggle to see basically any form of self-care as worth doing, unless I have to be out in the world and social, in which case I'll at least make sure my body, clothes, and teeth are clean. I really appreciate your words of wisdom on this--I've only recently begun to understand how empty and ghost-like I've been feeling for most of my life, and after watching this, I feel like this relentless self-recrimination and torment can finally undergo some meaningful interrogation.
Love this spot on video!! When you do write a book I can only hope that it reads like your videos. Relating to the examples you provide is everything. Sad that no matter how many times I try I cannot get access to your e-books, suggestions?
Jay, I appreciate this video and can relate to similarities to my own children and my ex. I would love to know the same information as it relates to the other parent trying to prove to their children that they are worthy. My ex is covert narcissist and looks put together and charms the outside world. My kids unfortunately witnessed the bad behavior between us. I ended up leaving to save myself from the mental and physical abuse. But for whatever reason they remain loyal to the ex and I was trash the day I left. They are adults and they all treat me with disrespect of a certain level. I have worked hard to be able to maintain a normal life as a single person and feel I am always trying to prove myself to three people who could care less. I am insignificant in their world. At least that is how I feel.
Same. I have two adult sons. As males they have more in common with their Dad - watching sports, hunting, drinking, etc and I get that. But as far as me, they have treated me like I'm so far down on the list of important things that I'm not really on the list - just like my ex did the last 10 years of our marriage. My more empathetic son is coming around, but my other, not so much. We'll see as time goes on.
I feel so sad and desperate. Grew up with a father with mental illness. I learned early on to walk on eggshells around him. Due to his mood swings.Was terrified.My mother is a co-dependent love addict. My mother then met another man when I was 9 years old. A covert narc that was in my life for 18 years. Living with that stress has taken so much beating on me physically. Have since adulthood. Am 48 years now chosen the same type of men. Either as my father or as my mother's other husband. When I meet these I get a strange feeling in my stomach. I also get pain in the body. I have this feeling associated with love. I also become addicted to this feeling. I met other men without this feeling but then I did not feel in love. I have no role models when it comes to healthy love. I managed to get some help here and there. But many I have met have not understood what I am talking about. I am handicapped when it comes to relationships. But friends and work work well. But here it is wrong. I know it is due to my background. I want to be able to put everything behind me. Still looking ahead .But tough.Recognizes exactly me in this video. Becomes an over achiever and pleaser. But I can not take it anymore.
If we live in defiance of the narcissist rules, it’s still in reference to those rules. I prefer to look at it as living in alignment with my own core values and ethics. Also do you ever talk the abandonment that happens by the partner of the narcissistic parent. That’s even harder to grasp as a kid because the pathological parent can be explained, but why would your “normal “ parent enable and not interject at the sight of the abuse.
Sometimes they can praise or more often speak about your accomplishments to other people… but only really because it helps build their self esteem. They don’t really see you.
It took me 46 years to realize there was no peace, no grace, no approval, no genuine love to be expressed by our mother. Effort and success on her behalf were reliably met with denial, marginalization, envy, rage, physical or emotional abuse.
No matter how much effort I put into comforting, loving, spending time with Mom, she would ultimately reciprocate with backbiting, mockery, ridicule, and misconstruing to her "friends" and flying monkeys. There was no "winning". So, as a middle-aged man, I finally walked away. To her dying day, she continued to project her problems onto us scapegoats. So pathetic!
It's a fool's errand to attempt to correct her lies, to prove the truth to the narcissist's enablers and codependents. The best route is the one that leads away to new opportunities, to people who know how to love and accept.
It won't matter what you do to prove your worth, and show they were wrong about you. It will still not be good enough, or if you outshine them, they will be angry and act even worse toward you.
That's exactly what I observe. I've realized in life I've attracted people who treated me the same as my relatives. I've felt I have to "prove" that I am worthy of somebody attention. That I am trustworthy, etc. That I am NOT anything wrong. But their feedback was always: "no matter what you do, you will never be good enough". "No matter what you do, you will never get what you deserve to get". The same exact treatment from: multiple relatives, schoolmates, teachers, work etc. No matter how much work you do, you won't be paid for it. It's crazy to me, how those patterns repeat. I am still healing from it, I am learning I can call someone without feeling guilty that I waste their precious time. It's terrible to feel that you have to "prove" someone, that you are worthy of their breadcrumbs.
These days I always stand up for myself or quietly withdraw from the relationship in varying degrees. Nevertheless I still get tagged as a possible recipient of manipulations, etc. I have concluded this is not only because of my open mindeded but because of how that of reflected in my body language together with my stooped shoulders (from cringing during my childhood) that mark me as a possible compliant victim.
Yes I can understand and reflect the identical feelings. It seems the people on the recovery journey are self aware. Competent. Trustworthy. Accountable. Moral. Etc...
I've found far too many are insulted by these virtues and ethics. It stifles my soul and spirit. Everyone seems so defensive. Ya can't say anything remotely logical or neutral without attack.
I fully innerstand the aspects that society is kind of a mess and all. I certainly accept not all people are good people. I can agree to disagree.
But man...I don't take personal criticism when someone disagrees w me. Or someone has a different perspective.
And as much as I do understand psychopathy, I'll never get used to people being pissed off at morals or ethics or rationality. Personally, I experience this from the majority, and it's disheartening. I'm also seeing a group think tribal gaslighting phenomenon when only one person can get so angry at morality n logic, then witness an entire group partake in gaslighting or victimizing that truth speaker. It's apparent... The scape goat will always be that scapegoat role. However, we dont EVER have to accept the lies or brutality as our fault. I certainly won't.
Scapegoats are beautiful black stallions n the tribe I wanna herd with.
I hope to eventually meet others who stand in their values n moral code. I know they're out there somewhere.
I keep finding myself in the same "pattern" as well, yet I wonder how much of the pattern is attributable to me, as opposed to it being a pattern that runs through large segments of society. Maybe narcissists simply don't get along very well, seeing as they are all takers. They can only have pretend, zero nutritional value type of interractions among eachother. And so they "get along" with you. I think they just might find your authenticity unacceptable, because it reflects their own weakness back to them. Very much like in a game where you're getting ahead and winning, the other participants can collude in an unspoken, tacit pact to take you down, even at the same table and in your presence, no official conspiracy need to established. But of course, in a one versus one setting, you'd be whooping their ass. This is increasingly my understanding of the situation, unfortunately...
So I would say, take it as a sign that you're winning, the criticism you're receiving is a trick of reverse psychology. They are desperate to eliminate everything that reflects back poorly at them and will often go to any lengths to do so.
@@Emile-philia Makes lot lot of sense!
I’m so sorry you’ve had those experiences. You point out something not often addressed in discussions of narcissistic abuse in childhood. Somehow, I’ve found other people to make me feel the way my parents made me feel, because I believed their narrative about me. That I was useless, helpless, and disgustingly flawed. That’s how we are groomed to be narcissist magnets, and they will stand in line to destroy us. I hope you’ve found ways to distance and protect yourself. I know I feel like I’ve spent my life picking my way through minefields, but it’s getting easier to spot them and disarm them, now.
***SENSE OF BEING IMPORTANT*** that is nailing it on the head. We were not ever given the idea that we were important.
The old adage that 'the best revenge is living well' must have been invented by abused kids of narcissistic parents - nothing seems to get under their skin more than seeing their own kids do well in life after a childhood of being told how worthless they are . Really something to strive for for scapegoats . I was my covert narc mother's lifelong scapegoat and eventually also my overt narc father's target for abuse . The most memorable thing I was called almost daily was a 'rotten good for nothing' . Dozens of other names , insults , putdowns and threats of physical harm and death constantly. . NO CONTACT was the only way for me to deal with this later . It is criminal that parents get away with treating young minds and bodies in these most abusive ways . These same wicked people actually believe their beaten down victims owe them care and support in their old age . Whenever I hear someone being criticized for not being involved in their parents' care in later years I will always say that there was probably a lot more going on in that home during earlier years than you know about .
👏 I couldn't have said this better 💕💕
THIS^^ BOMB ASS COMMENT YASSS 🖤❤️🔥❤️🔥 “The Best Revenge is Living Well” is so freaking good! I literally think that every day in relation to people who have abused me horrifically in the past and now are pissed that I’ve blocked them from my life 🙌🎸
This video is about letting go of that entire endeavor, to strive for outward displays of success to impress or prove the narc family wrong. Do it for yourself after going no contact.
Excellent comment. Your story sounds familiar to mine. I am now at that point with both of my parents needing/expecting care in their late years. I have recently gone very very grey rock with my Mom. I can't stomach being near her, but at the same time feel guilt. I know she is a product of her abusive childhood and is stuck in her internal hell. Which she seems to love. But I still feel bad not talking to her. Keeping my distance to protect myself and take care of me.
I am telling you, NO ONE understands our scapegoat experience the way Jay does.
I was always on the fool's errand of proving myself.
me too, so much that it still is the automatic thing I catch myself doing!
Me too
I was genuinely excited to be a part of a “start up” company and I was bubbling with ideas.
They stole my ideas, copied my LinkedIn profile word for word and posted a job posting for the position I pitched with my LinkedIn profile content.
Then when they went from hot to cold in our correspondence, I figured they had other more urgent priorities in a high-caliber start-up. So I paused, but then tried a sales pitch strategy for the job I wanted, and they needed.
Hindsight, they already were unprofessional. And I overlooked that abuse. Why? I was genuinely excited. I was trying to escape an abusive situation in my personal life, and contract work is a grind and I wanted to make a more steady contribution to a growing company. But hindsight- I overlooked a yellow and red flag.
Big Mistake.
I regret not trusting Steve Job’s opinion of this individual. I just didn’t value myself in that kind of league. I didn’t think that applied to me or my situation.
Then they perjured charges, presumably they were scared I was coming after them, for stealing my ideas and work. Or they thought it was funny.
They over-reacted and intentionally committed ongoing abusive harassment to trigger me, in a legal strategy to discredit and harm me.
It sort of worked. Because initially I didn’t expect they were so disrespectful and unprofessional. They stole my ideas and harassed me. I got over that fairly quickly. It was the continued sadistic legal perjury and aggressive harassment including weekly b&e, theft, perjury in court, and destruction of my personal property. The list goes on. It showed me who I don’t want to deal with.
Somewhere along the line I got the idea that this whole situation was actually a complex existential test that I had to pass because God wouldn't grant me happy afterlife if I didn't prove some kind of "soul competence" and be as clever as a protagonist in a fairy tale. Like I had to fix my dad's continuously evolving wrong opinions and literally get him to admit he'd been wrong up til now...if I didn't do that, God would be ashamed of me, and that meant never experiencing Heaven someday. Long time later in therapy I realized that the very, very young me had identified my caregivers with the Biblical God and that was who I'd been trying to be a magically clever, worthy storybook heroine to. At first that was one of the most painful realizations of my life, that I'd spent decades feeling so worthless that God would discard me into the burn barrel for being such a disappointment. I felt very sad that I'd been set up to see my loser a-hoke father as godlike. Later, I got blistering angry. I still am. And if I'm not really diligent, I fall right back into proving "god" wrong.
HEAVY mate.
Perceptive.
Just going to dangle this word and see what you think..
“Perfectionist”
Your parents?
You?
Your journey?
Ok then what about “Critic”?
Or, was it more about “claiming your right to be you?”
Seen Heard Felt Understood Honored
My mother was an insidious covert narcissist, and I know exactly why. She lost her mother at the age of four, and a year later, her father married a woman who abused her and her sister. She was told that, if she were good, she could see her mother again in heaven. She was so good, she could never admit to any flaw, or error. She funneled all that stuff to me. Generational trauma really sucks.
I’m so
Sorry to hear this. 💫
Since I have realised the ‘game’ that has been played on me, by all the narcissistic people in my life - I’ve lost that anxious need to prove myself.
Instead of my lifelong inward questioning of ‘how can I change/improve’? I’ve started some outward questioning ‘why is this person treating me this way? What’s their agenda?’
This process was delayed massively by the philosophy that we can’t change other people, only ourselves. That may be true, but sometimes the only thing we need to change in ourselves is our toleration and openness to others.
But if you’ve endured a lot of abuse, first you have to build a structure of ‘self’ in order to differentiate yourself and build an identity other than the one projected on you.
Yes, we have compromised our self so much to fit what the narc wanted, to get a few love crumbs and survive our shitty confusing childhood while striving not to be completely shunned. So then, at some point in our healing we have to ask "Who Am I?" Well, for me after being saturated in suffering for 48 years, Ive come to realize, through deep meditation, I Am Consciousness Itself, and so is every "thing" and every one "else". Who would ever have thought I would see the immense heart-aching pain I have endured as a blessing? Because it would drive me to one-pointedly seek and find the Truth of existence, like my life depended on it. I not only found the truth behind my shitty upbringing, but the entire ball game itself.
P.S It has nothing to do with the Bible or organized religion.
@consciousnessitself
I’m so happy for you!
Yes that is a benefit, though I spent years exploring spirituality, non-duality not realising how totally traumatised I was & the spiritual teachers were as a whole totally by-passing those realities to terrible effect for their followers.
But yes absolutely the best way of looking at it all, is the strengths we have developed because if the challenges we have survived. I like to think of myself as a trauma-athlete albeit not on a sports track, but in bed and falling apart and suffering, but eventually breaking through..
@@annastone5624 Yes very good, trauma athletes, a mega marathon of trauma endured. On Xmas eve this year my car broke down, I have avoidant personality disorder, but I was forced to go into the main house (I live in a caravan) and ask my landlord to borrow 1 of his 2 cars. We ended up talking for a long while. Although I have lived there for 5 years I hardly knew him. I spontaneously went into relationship with my Guru Adi Da Samraj, I started channeling helpful guidance for my landlords suffering. He revealed he had a suppressive childhood, it seems he was also a scapegoat, his sister was treated better than him, and he felt he had no voice and had retreated into his inner world as a child. A Fijian women who was living with us that I hadnt met yet (because of my avoidance) came into the room and sat down to listen to what I was saying. After a while my landlord left the room and it was just her and I talking. I asked her if she had heard of the Island of Naitaumba in the outer Islands of Fiji (where my Guru has His Ashram), she looked shocked and said yes!
My village directly faces Naitaumba!
Within an hour of talking she understood she had been having a spiritual relationship with Adi Da her entire life and on this day He had made Himself known to her.
Then she revealed she was a trauma specialist and would be my therapist (I have never sought professional help because of my avoidant personality).
We are truly Blessed and the Divine knows our pain, in detail.
Great comment!!
🤍🌬️🎼
JAY. It is INSANE how many times you PERFECTLY describe my experience. Starting life 50 yards back from the starting line is spot on.
Jay is one of the most intelligent sensitive pople on here. He tackles deep emotional issues of the abused child in such a way that it goes much deeper than the everyday cliched speak about narcissism that has started to just go over my head. I had a very complex childhood. I was unknowingly the product of my mothers affair a third child who was to become part of the original family with my 'step' dad knowing about the affair but deciding to stay with my mum and his two other daughters. What followed over the years I can only describe as a nightmare! I was subjected to narcissism by all family members I believe. The dynamic was a rageful victim type mum who suffered from depression and despondency coupled with bouts of kindness A distant father who actively favouritised his two birth daughters leaving me out of trips games and holidays and two sisters who conspired on a regular basis to trick me leave me out and aggressively push me away.As the youngest i was gaslighted into believing that i was spoilt and strong willed as i fought to be accepted at other times i tried to play the victim to get my own way. I knew nothing about my real dad My mum had confided in my middle sister who was the ' Golden' child and she ended up being the one who actually met my real father and felt so justified in this she told me how 'nice` he was! I was not able to tell anyone about my dad until i was in my 30s i had found out through a christmas card whrn i was 14! We were brought up strictly to present as a `normal` family. I am in my third narcissitic adult partnership ( i have married two of them! ) Two of my children that i poured so much of my unconditional love into( in that small child way of wanting acceptance at any cost) have become narcissitic! My early years have had such an impact on my adult life my family have stubbornly refused to ever understand or even concede that there was anything wrong my mum has even gone as far as to suggest i had the best of both worlds even though i never met my father and half of my family is missing from my life! I am so glad i found Jay and i cannot wait to do the course. Todays video reduced me to tears because that small child when you do manage to finally get some distance is such a beautiful child worthy of love and blameless in a situation where there was no control.
Stuff becomes clear when you discover what's missing, huh?
Gosh you are strong Lisa! That really shines out of your words 🌟. Not only that, you sound wise and like a really great person. I wish for you, myself and everybody else who has suffered here that we may BELIEVE the TRUTH that we CAN have GREAT PEOPLE in OUR LIVES 😲💕😀
So sorry-how do you handle 2 of your children being npd? Do you emotionally detatch???
I’m glad you’re able to finally see yourself! Courage, wisdom, and endurance are not easy to come by, but you have them, you’ve come through a winner! It is such a victory when you realize you’re not who they say you are. I know you still struggle, and I hope your life gets better and better, until you have no emotional response to your family’s bs. And I hope you have some joy and beauty in your day!
@@estereatlikeyagranny9752 i was in shock for a long time but detachmrnt with no engagement concerning ongoing accusations Checking my own reality with myself and other non narcissitic people and focussing on my own recovery without bearing malice or trying to score points ❤
When I asked my dad for help with math, he always yelled and got mad at me!! English was his best subject so he helped me sometimes. For some reason, my dad meant the world to me, but I couldn’t get him to connect with me. Instead, he wanted to shut down my voice and make me invisible to him!!
Jay, your channel is a "ONE STOP SHOP" for explaining all of the madness we experienced!
Thank you so much for your wisdom, knowledge, insight and enlightenment! 🙏💜💚
So easy to not care what they think now that I know the inner workings of how they became a narcissist.
Learning that deep down on the inside the narcissist is nothing more than a cowardly scared pathetic clown constantly on the verge of pooping their pants was the most enlightening part of letting all of that go, made it so easy.
It's like oh, this is who is intimidating me or oh this is that gorgeous hunk of man who it's supposed to love me. Oh okay nah😜
This really helped me. Who were they to look down on me?
This definitely hits home! Intertwined with previous "human being vs human doing". These type of people never appreciate your human being, so no need to bother with human doing.
They will never be happy and delighted in you just being you. They don't deserve your precious time, your precious emotions and your precious efforts. They are just thieves and liars.
Yes, thieves and liars who are pathologically envious and full of rage seeking to "punish" anyone who doesn't think the way they want them to. That is their human doing.
@@pelletier4432 that was good!
My narc father knows absolutely nothing about me. He has never asked me any personal questions ever, and is fully occupied talking about himself, his life, how the world should function and how people should think and behave.....Definitely in line with they never appreciate you as a human being.
My mother treated me like the scapegoat entire life. Silent treatment started at early age. I am now 60. Finally started no contact 2015. Gave them (mother sister another chance 2019) but went down hill after one year! All I did was jump hoops to prove myself again. Taking care of all my mother appts etc meanwhile sister golden child did nothing and got all the kudos. Done. Now I’m back to no contact with sister and low low grey contact with 88 year old mother. Trust/Will held over my head … unfortunately only reason I’m grey rock. Got nothing whole life and can’t let my sister flying monkey get it all to the end. Sounds bad I know but anger always there for me. Joanne
My sit. almost identical to yours scapegoated from before birth mum hoovered me back to my home town when I had 3 small children and my own relationship was failing badly, when I had burnt my boats she started back with the outrageous unnecessary nastiness but with 4 viable targets now.
My golden sister piled on and her own brat was (and still is) idolized by my mother she was actually trained by both of them and is now even worse than both.
When my sister's husbands constant stress levels gave him a massive stroke mum became afraid that this would be her fate ( he was abandoned first in a bare house then an apu whilst my sister spent his pensions and the house revenue),which mum tacitly approved of as she got the attention while he was being so pointedly ignored.
Anyway mum made me lasting power of attorney and executor cos when sis had spent that she started in on how mum should take equity release to ' give us a better start ' basically that was just a put off so as not to be bothered by sis pestering her about it every day.
Then mum had a stroke and I have been blanked, gaslit smeared, attacked threatened and discarded. My personal space sifted through molecule by molecule once they had managed to manoeuvre me out of the house, looking for the will. Mischief following me around when the hoover didn't work,so much that I can not tell even people I trust where I live in case it gets back. Mum has enabled sis and niece in everything and couldn't stop if she tried but it is much worse now they are putting ALL the words into her mouth, cos it seems like the only neural pathway that is functioning normally with her now is the massive 10 lane autobahn of dislike that she has had for me since my conception. Tricky eh?
This helps me so much with my in-laws using me as scapegoate to cover for all the dysfunction in the family. They were so covert... passive aggressive... Maddening! Thank you Jay!! I am ordering the book.
In my retirement at mid 60s I've finally learned to stop trying to earn my worth. I've probably gone the other way and am under-performing on a regular basis. (Though not making promises I won't keep!) It feels gloriously decadent and freeing to finally be at peace with myself.
The idea of finding and speaking to my younger self is amazing and will be next on my healing work list. Thank you so much Jay, you're in a class of your own 💖
Can we talk about what happens with the child who does live that experience of being nothing to nobody?
I remember at eight years old, my dad said, how dare you make breakfast for yourself and not make breakfast for your brother! I realized that my father was not a good person and that he wanted me to be his mother instead of his daughter.
Genius eight year old. That insight sounds like a much older kid.
I have been conditioned to believe that I am only worthy of consideration through my association with my family and other people. I have organized my life through the viewpoint of others and how much they approve of me and approve of how I live my life. Now that I am trying not to live for anyone else, I am feeling like I don't have a right to exist just for myself. I'm having to learn how to perceive my life in a whole new way, living life based on what I am feeling, and what I need and want. To shift my perspective, I have to keep asking myself how I am feeling and what I need, then giving my self time and space to figure it out.
I have the same problem. Conditioned to believe that I'm valuable only when I help others, furthermore - that I have the right to exist only when I help others and I am the first one to sacrifice for the wellbeing of "normal" people. Religious abuse also took it part in conditioning.
@@RK-qs5dy So sorry you had to experience the religious abuse also. I can only imagine the additional guilt associated with that form of abuse.
@@goldieh7121 thank you!
This guilt is really harder to combat than guilt pushed down from another human being with personality disorder. No amount of safe people can outweigh this type of guilt. I left organized religion, but I'm not an atheist also. It's a tricky place to be - I left for myself a chance that some higher power really exists and I feel my prayers heard and answered when I reach out for help, but at the same time I feel like reinforcing the destructive (necessary for survival in childhood) pattern of reaching out to unsafe person, hoping narcissistic parental figure will change and fulfill my longing for unconditional love.
@@RK-qs5dy Yes, getting out of the habits that we developed to survive feels impossible. I have moments where I consider the possibility of letting myself be saved, but then I remember that with the comfort comes the eventual lack of free will and I will have lost any chance to grow. And, I have finally come to terms with the fact that comfort does not equal true safety.
Maybe religious control can be so much more damaging because it threatens our spiritual survival, not just physical. I believe that people who using fear, obligation and guilt, do not have good intentions. I think excessive guilt is a sign that we've been emotionally manipulated, not that we're bad. Anyone can interpret religious teachings to control others. I believe that we can only trust our own interpretation of religion.
@@goldieh7121 I returned to this comment section to thank you 🌸 TH-cam shows it has been only 2-3 weeks ago, but I feel now like miles or ages away from that mental/emotional/physical state reflected in my first reply. It helped a lot to be able to even write it to someone, I had a tangible sense of relief. Thank you for being safe, compassionate and understanding. Being able to tell the truth about my struggle made tremendous difference.
You described my father = the covert narcissist. He was the altruistic narcissist who focused on others with church missions and humanitarian initiatives. As a child in the 90s I would often joke that one day they would invent a device to permanently attach the phone to someone’s head since my father was always on the phone. So I now joke that I’m the inventor of Bluetooth technology.
My father, along with me, was my borderline (narcissistic) mom’s primary target. He often would lean on me to vent his feelings about my mom and how she mistreated him. He was never interested in my experiences and would cut me off when I attempted to share them.
So this became the dynamic from childhood and into adulthood. Never once did my father offer any sort of protection from my mom. He used my mom’s borderline personality disorder as an excuse to play victim and do whatever he wanted. She gave him this cover and he milked it. I found it difficult to reconcile why he advocated for strangers but would challenge my mom on the grocery bill and back to school clothes for me and my four siblings. Despite my mom’s failings she provided for our necessities with home cooked meals, back to school clothes and regular dental checkups. Me and my siblings were regularly caught in the middle because both parents had valid arguments sometimes. The only one who offered anyone protection was me as child attempting to defend my dad. Likewise, I did the same for my mom and took on the role of protecting her from herself with her constant threats of suicide. My mom convinced me and my siblings she would die young from from heart failure or some disease. I have news for you, she turns 65 next week and has never had significant health issues despite claims to the otherwise.
I was always waiting for the day my dad would “show up”. Meaning, be the father I knew he was capable of. This was because I saw it exhibited with his altruism. But his “kindness” and “empathy” were always directed at strangers and their children. My role was relegated to be his audience and applaud him for his work.
It was a liberating and sad day in my mid 30s when I finally realized my dad was never going to show up for me. Despite me explicitly asking him with specificity of what I needed from him. He played dumb and acted confused when I shared some of the abuse I experienced at the hands of my mom.
I knew I was going no contact. I made a failed attempt a few years ago. In my second attempt, when I included my dad in the pool of people I broke contact with is when I was finally able to do it successfully. What I didn’t know until just before no contact was that my dad was in on it with my mom, playing both sides. The person who has hoovered me and has been relentless in attempting to draw me back in has been my father. I was his little confidant for so long, the good and dutiful daughter. His arrogance gave him the false conclusion that he had me for life, because I had accepted his crumbs for decades.
I feel like social media, "social justice", performative activism (including church activities) gave this good-doing competition a whole new level of narcissistic abuse, where sincere kindness and sincere empathy pales in comparison with relentless pr campaign of good-doers. Because there will be emotional burnout, if someone tries to measure up and to do such amount of work sincerely.
I still feel like I'm failing to care about others because I don't check all the boxes of activities and attitude to "look" caring. It's such a strange feeling.
That's exactly the relationship I had with my dad.
He was also in on it with my mom.
He financially exploited and abused me. All these years he acted to empathize with me wrt the abuse I endured from my dark triad personality mother. She is a psychopathic machiavelistic covert narcissist.
Once I started standing up for myself, without needing the validation from my father, he took her side when I called the police. Started to be overtly abusive towards me, sent flying monkeys and the works.
That's when I realized he too is a narcissist.
I agree social media is a new vehicle for grandiose and altruistic narcissists to showcase the manufactured image they want to present. I don't take any stock or measure myself against them because I know their charity is inorganic. This is because I know some of them in real life.
This includes my father. Despite being in his kid 60s he's a vlogger on TH-cam. He's talented in many areas. Expect it's all for his benefit. He made himself available to strangers and created superficial bonds with them. But never took the time create bonds with his kids. I remember sitting quietly listening him talk about how great his friends children were. I wanted to tell him "you have great kids too".
I'm glad your father exposed who is really is. I think I felt far more betrayed by my father because he pretended to be my friend.
I had listened to so many stories of people who had gone no contact and I did not envision my parents would follow the same playbook. I had to call the police too. My mom broke into my house pretending she was concerned for me. I panicked, I begged her to leave and she was coming toward me. So I called the police. I had no one to call for help, not my dad, not my brothers, not my sisters. No one has ever helped so it was not an option to call them. I still have mixed feelings about that day. But I have never been able to diffuse things with my mom, it always led to her being violent. I didn't want a violent altercation in my home. None of my family called afterwards. My mom called everyone to get sympathy. I didn't mention it for months thinking maybe she said nothing. But then I told my brother what happened and he told me he knew all about it. There was a long pause.... I asked him and "you didn't call me to find out what happened". I learned a lot about my family during the six months in the run up to no contact.
I hope your father has no access to you. I cut everyone off. Including my two brothers which I attempted to keep a relationship with. But they cowered to my parents and would share information about me. They didn't protect me, regardless if I was no contact.
@@taniabluebell3099 I am so sorry about the violence from your mother. Good call for calling police on her for intruding into your personal home.
It seems your brothers liked that you were the one taking on the abuse and not them. I have 3 other siblings, they definitely liked the hierarchy. They loved being the "favorite" children.
When my mom escalated her abuse towards me, she also escalated the love bombing towards my sisters.
They loved being cooked for traditional food. And being the only ones asked if they need food.
I have been no contact for almost 10 months now. My dad still sends flying monkeys, using machiavelism to try to still have access to me.
I have been physically abused, financially abused and emotionally and psychologically abused by every single member of the family.
No contact with everyone now is the only option I had.
I am 70. My narc mom is still alive and she still has pow er over me. I've been in therapy for bipolar since age of 20. My father was bipolar narc. Today I heard something hopeful in ur video. I realized I still try to prove my worth to my mother, even though I have financially supported her all my life. Thank u for ur important work.
I know you don't know me personally but you just read me.
And that's exactly the relationship I had with my father.
I once asked my father if he thought I was a smart person.
I mean I worked hard my entire life to gain his validation, I didn't socialize enough as a teen in order to get good grades so I can get into the best University. And I graduated, got my degree.
My dad still didn't think I was smart. He still talked down on me. Belittled my business and just treated me badly despite spending years to gain his validation.
Also I stopped expecting bread crumbs from him. He didn't spend a single day with me, and when I demanded more, he became more overtly abusive.
I called the police on him and my mother. They lied on me and gaslit me and the police. He said he won't change. 2 days later, I went No contact with him.
He has been trying to hover me back.
Wow. That sucks.
I never expected to get any validation from either parent. Idk why, I suspect I tested them (craving this) when I was 7 and 8 years of age and realized it just wasn’t in their emotional range.
Your experience sounds traumatic. Like you really just needed some show of support from your parents and you didn’t get it. I’m sorry 😢 I have experienced it in other ways. It’s very painful.
Journaling, music, finding healthy creative passions so you can give yourself the validation and support you need and deserve.
From my experience, it’s possible your Father is overly rigid. Like he believes there are only two roles, two positions. It sounds competitive and dogmatic.
I feel people were brainwashed in previous generations to behave this way.
I felt like it took any shade the person felt like they needed in the moment. Prove them: right that im good, wrong that im bad, right that im bad and wrong that im good.
This reminds me of my narcissistic crazy mother. On day after I've cleaned up the house I was al sweaty and we she said to me "Your face is so sweaty" I dared say "yes I've just cleaned up all the rooms". She responded "Aaaw poor thing you are soooo tired after cleaning, poor little star"
What a psychopath. Please react with vinegar, she won’t do it again.
Your face is so sweaty
You: better than being wrinkly and oily when you cook.
She felt like shit, so she had to cut you down to size.
Thanks again for this. ❤
I was carrying around alot of heaviness and not sure why until I realized It was multiple narcissists in my life. Friends, strangers, family. I lost myself. I didnt know what was happening to me...
I have talent but yet I don't feel motivated because nobody seems to Value me and shows ruthless demeaning devaluing behaviours.
These videos help me save my mental health when I have another resources and no support.
I felt so invisible
I can’t even with this video. I mean. Seriously Dr Reid. MIND BLOWN 🤯 thank you.
My jaw dropped a few minutes into this one and …. Just Thank you. So much. ❤️
Successful covert parent narcissist do not want their own children to succeed. This is a weird dynamic.
Oh Dear Jay, this video is so right on target! God bless you🧡🧡🧡
My covert enabler dad never connected to me. I tried to invite him jogging an activity we shared but he would never connect. He never protected me from mom’s depression and constant cruelty. He raged and terrorized me for nothing I could have done to deserve it. As an adult i see he was taking his personal anger for unrelated things out on me! I always thought I did or said something wrong or that he only had enough love for mom not me. It is eye opening to think He chose to be this because he thought highly if himself. That makes a lot more sense.
This really struck a chord. I will work on bringing the angry acheiver child into the light and give her the credit and love she is long overdue. Thank you
This resonated. Dad died when I was 5. Mom went to work. Caregivers were older sibs who abuse the two youngest. They still do. They dont know it, but they do.
For my 16th birthday, they gave me luggage. It was not subtle
Ouch, that's just heartless.
He's describing Claire's relationship to her father!!!
The parents were incapable. Therefore they cannot be blamed. But we can acknowledge the harm.
Jay your content is crazy good. I guess when I have need to recovery from crazy bad, I’m gonna when a solution that’s crazy good. Thank you! You’re work is helping change my life for the better.
Thank you for your help and support Jay. God bless you❤
I appreciate that, thank you
this man is talented. I have never heard anyone speak on my experience with such preciseness....
Jay is ultimate level in Narc recovery. He is undisputed GOAT.
I believe that I can heal my trauma bond and childhood wounds with many long years of therapy. I wish that Dr. Reid was my therapist back in 1990 when I first started my journey for healing. My first therapist didn’t have my back and she told me to send my dad a 25 page letter. However, she wasn’t well versed on subhuman narcissistic behavior at all. Back in the nineties people were living like cavemen without technology or modern psychology. Of course, my dad called me and asked, what’s up with the empty envelope? When I tried to hold him accountable, he yelled “I was in the Military!!” My mother has issues with depression, Bpd, and she took my dad’s side against me to be scathing and cruel!!!
I so relate to this the quest. The grades even had anorexia nervosa to try to show my “ father” that i was good. Sometimes i still feel this urge professionaly or in my life but i dont act on it when i know where its coming from
Thanks for highlighting IFS, Jay. I did a year of work daily with my parts. I would have conversations with my younger parts, listen to what they had to say, give them love, support and compassion. I feel that work helped me become more integrated and whole as a person.
This is the experience I had. A covert narcist mother and a father who only like me when I needed his help. Thanks for this video, its very insightful.
Proving to mother I am good, proving to father I am capable of taking on responsibility. I prove to the myself I can keep my parents together. Proving to siblings I can help them or I am nice. Proving I am not mean just because I'm upset. Proving I am thin like mom, I can stop eating. Proving I have no feelings. Proving I am funny to cover my pain. Honestly, it didn't work. It wore me out. And, i was capable, smart and successful, but I end up destroying my own life- to prove they were right.
I remember when I was a young kid, my mom was putting cream on her face looking into the mirror. She looked depressed and my narcissistic father also looked strange and upset.
My parents switched up their psychological war fare to get me to be their butler.
Thank you Thank you for helping me to see these patterns. It is so soul killing to grow up in these environments. I am really struggling to show people my value that I get used and exploited. I am also beginning to see what toxic shame is - an unconscious and sometimes conscious belief of inherantly bad, ugly, worthless, poor character. Therefore, I need to prove that I am not. It has led me to share my internal wealth with others and then I attract users who take advantage of my good nature and then when they have what they want they discard me. This then triggers the belief that I did or said something wrong or that I am annoying. This is a terrible way to feel. Can you do a video on toxic shame?
So helpful Jay, from the other side of the world ur powerful explanations are a deep well in a desert of understanding. “Accurate hopelessness 🙌🏾 Thank u 🙏🏾
Slowly but SURELY these help! We are so fortunate that people like yourself put this OUT THERE!
Thank You, for sharing this information and your support to live a fuller life.
You are a light in this world, thank you!
Life does feel rigged against me no matter what I do to help myself but that could be a false perception.
This was my childhood!! Thank you for the invaluable information.
Haliluyah! Yes! Go where your treated best! Thats a healthy environment
Very Relevant To My Life Story. Learning To Grieve The Father I Never Had. Noticing Something In Me Fixated From Getting Validation From Just That Source. I Guess Thats Just The Childs Way Of Relating To The World Doesn't Know Any Better.
I'm so extremely grateful for this channel
This is so right on. Wow.
Thank you, you're so right about everything. It's so true. I got C-Ptsd from the abuse. I am 47 female who is the oldest out of five children my parents had. I always been the black sheep in my family. I went to Jesus cause of the abuse. Jesus is our hope. God is Love. I know my worth and values. My peace comes from God. God is great all the time. I have support from friends from church. I been a Christian for over ten years. Both of my parents are Narcissists so is my grandmother. My brothers and sisters are Narcissists Enablers.
Narcissists never loved us at all
Narcissists care about us at all.
Narcissists are broken people
Narcissists are liars
Narcissists are insecure people
Narcissists are evil souls from the Devil
Narcissists are fake and phony people
I AM A SURVIVOR 💔❤️🔥🖤
Not just unfulfilling, Jay, but downright dangerous!
I just discovered your channel and subscribed. Thank you.
Thanks for subbing!
So true,need healing
Again, a super helpful video. I am having just one revelation after another. Thank you so much!
I want to plead my case to the subhuman who used me as an emotional dumpster and was unworthy of my presence. I remember when he complained about how the government could take children away that were getting severely abused.
I definitely feel aware that that is how I feel about my Dad.
ifs is really complicated. ive been 3 years in my healing journey almost.
yes, i was taught i needed to earn love or stuff work really hard for it. The narc parent kept moving the goal post. I struggle with perfectionism at times. I am a vulnerable and authentic person, who shares his feelings, and has worked a lot on boundaries as i was the scapegoat and knowing that i have a right to take my space in the world. To express myself and opinion and feelings. I guess understanding that i just deserve love as i am, or i am worthy. Ive done a lot of healing and changed a lot of the feelings of unworthiness, or "inadequacy" that the narc projected at me. I can be articulate, i process things a lot , as an empath, i guess. I like to share the insights i have about my recovery, i like to share my views and thoughts. I like to take my space in the world, and advocate for my needs. All of these are things ive picked up in my recovery... At times though, just relaxing, just being and chilling, letting my guard down a little, can be difficult, also specially if the people that are around me in that moment dont have much love to give anyway. Nice healing process it has been, i know which people are more emotionally available. I guess the narc parent always projected that i wasnt good enough. Ive worked hard to heal, ive attuned a lot, ive taken care of myself , ive spoken up for myself and my inner child. Ive learnt to listen to myself, and give voice to my inner child. I come from an authentic place when i expressmyslef, and not a survival mechanism of fawning. Maybe becoming aware, that i am enough , or that if i have to make too much of an effort to be seen and take my space, those arent my people. Perhaps work on continuing healing in myself, the belief, that i must be in "top performance" so to speak at all times, to be able to be seen or heard. The healing began 3 years ago. And i am a person with a lot more self-respect, a lot more self-compassion, able to speak up for myself a lot more. Able to leave narcisistic people in my family, or in other parts, quickly that have nothing to give . Abble to communicate in his relationships, etc.
I admire all the work you’ve done in your healing. Thank you for sharing.
perfect!. both my parents hated me... this what i went thru with both narc parents... they are both dead now and doing better and still working on being the power that i am.
Thank you so much for this video. I've been feeling unworthy and undeserving of anything good lately. It's soul crushing.
This information is very special. Thank you, Jay :).
Thank you so much for this video 🙏
I get triggered every time I watch a video. I believe I have healed and am working on it daily, it's just Jay's words are so true and can relate 100 percent.
Thank you so much putting out these videos, Jay🙏 This one may be the most pivotal one for me so far. It feels that you put yourself unsparingly, intensely into imparting your insights to us so that we could benefit from them. So they wouldn't become only head-level knowledge. One can sense that you know from personal experience the suffering narcissistic abuse inflicts on one and that your insights are rooted in that ground. You connect the dots in a more detailed and sensitive way than other therapists and coaches I've watched on TH-cam... filling in the blanks.
Thank you Jay for your great posts. They are very helpful.
This one really hit home for me.
Thank you Jay, for making these important videos. I feel like you are a compassionate, caring person that truly wants to provide good, detailed information to help people heal.
Very timely, thank you Jay !
Thank YOUTHANKYOUTHANKYOU 😊💌
Hi Jay, I just came to say that I love how You understand what it is all about. Really helpful. Greetings
Thank you for everything you're doing on this channel.
Dr. Reid, I'm not sure where to put this request, and I'm not sure if I should be contacting a grief specialist instead, but I would love if you did a video on 1) grieving the death of a narcissistic parent, and 2) grieving the loss of a living relative that one had to go no contact with. I know there are specialists in complicated grief, but I love your videos and your straight forward manner in talking about these things. I still find myself grieving the death of my narc father after almost ten years, and also my sister who is in denial that he was a narcissist. Thank you.
what fabulous vid, thnx!
My God... this is a lot like how my own father was. And my mother to a degree.
You know, I've done about 18 months of EMDR in the past, and I've been in therapy for most of my adult life, and I only recently realized I had to start thinking of what happened to me as narcissistic abuse. I've spent the last year sussing out what relationships in the past were toxic in that way, but I've really been stuck in that period of arguing with my abusers internally. I've also aspired to really high achievement, but I struggle to see basically any form of self-care as worth doing, unless I have to be out in the world and social, in which case I'll at least make sure my body, clothes, and teeth are clean. I really appreciate your words of wisdom on this--I've only recently begun to understand how empty and ghost-like I've been feeling for most of my life, and after watching this, I feel like this relentless self-recrimination and torment can finally undergo some meaningful interrogation.
These videos are so good!
This father son relationship dynamic was probably pasted down through the generations. Now Dale will break the cycle.
Love this spot on video!! When you do write a book I can only hope that it reads like your videos. Relating to the examples you provide is everything. Sad that no matter how many times I try I cannot get access to your e-books, suggestions?
This is so well delineated and applicable to encounters outside of personal relationships.
Great talk Jay. Thank you!
These videos are so good. Thank you.
Thank you for great observations and advice.
You are so soothing thank you so much :)
Thanks Jay. Your vids are helpful
Beautiful, that's good
Ooooo more exercises, please! That was really helpful!
Jay, I appreciate this video and can relate to similarities to my own children and my ex. I would love to know the same information as it relates to the other parent trying to prove to their children that they are worthy. My ex is covert narcissist and looks put together and charms the outside world. My kids unfortunately witnessed the bad behavior between us. I ended up leaving to save myself from the mental and physical abuse. But for whatever reason they remain loyal to the ex and I was trash the day I left. They are adults and they all treat me with disrespect of a certain level. I have worked hard to be able to maintain a normal life as a single person and feel I am always trying to prove myself to three people who could care less. I am insignificant in their world. At least that is how I feel.
Same. I have two adult sons. As males they have more in common with their Dad - watching sports, hunting, drinking, etc and I get that. But as far as me, they have treated me like I'm so far down on the list of important things that I'm not really on the list - just like my ex did the last 10 years of our marriage. My more empathetic son is coming around, but my other, not so much. We'll see as time goes on.
You have helped me so much
This hits home so hard
I love you so much and you’re so handsome!!!
Good info Thanks
I feel so sad and desperate. Grew up with a father with mental illness. I learned early on to walk on eggshells around him. Due to his mood swings.Was terrified.My mother is a co-dependent love addict. My mother then met another man when I was 9 years old. A covert narc that was in my life for 18 years. Living with that stress has taken so much beating on me physically. Have since adulthood. Am 48 years now chosen the same type of men. Either as my father or as my mother's other husband. When I meet these I get a strange feeling in my stomach. I also get pain in the body. I have this feeling associated with love. I also become addicted to this feeling. I met other men without this feeling but then I did not feel in love. I have no role models when it comes to healthy love. I managed to get some help here and there. But many I have met have not understood what I am talking about. I am handicapped when it comes to relationships. But friends and work work well. But here it is wrong. I know it is due to my background. I want to be able to put everything behind me. Still looking ahead .But tough.Recognizes exactly me in this video. Becomes an over achiever and pleaser. But I can not take it anymore.
If we live in defiance of the narcissist rules, it’s still in reference to those rules.
I prefer to look at it as living in alignment with my own core values and ethics.
Also do you ever talk the abandonment that happens by the partner of the narcissistic parent. That’s even harder to grasp as a kid because the pathological parent can be explained, but why would your “normal “ parent enable and not interject at the sight of the abuse.