Why the 'Cry it Out' Method Harms Babies | Erica Komisar, LCSW
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- เผยแพร่เมื่อ 28 ก.ย. 2024
- Often times, we as parents just want a little peace and quiet, especially at night. However, our babies aren't programmed to take this into account.
Although we are tempted (and told) to let them "cry it out", we shouldn't.
In this video, I explain why soothing a crying baby, especially at night, is especially important and why not all silence is good silence.
For more videos like this, subscribe to Erica Komisar here bit.ly/2hC2Vla.
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The book, Being There: Why Prioritizing Motherhood In The First Three Years Matters, has received utmost praise, especially by those in the field. Thomas McInerny MD, FAAP, Past-President of the American Academy of Pediatrics called it "Timely and much needed and should be read not only by current and prospective mothers, but also current and prospective fathers, those who care for young children in a variety of settings, including child care workers, pediatricians, nurse practitioners, psychiatrists, psychologists and social workers, policy makers, and elected officials.”
Babies are not small adults. It’s important to have realistic expectations of them.
They need an adult to meet their needs. Not to neglect them.
Unfortunately we have a culture that has neglected and in the case of this video overly imagined, what it means to show consistency and teach a safe structured environment. Indulging impulses completely mindlessly isn't the case only when you are able to describe the mechanics of impulse control. Offer nothing constructive towards the unavoidable reality of children needing conditioning... touchy-feely nonsense which amounts to pretty much a coping mechanism facing continuous ignorant behavior
Yes, but they are also very smart, and can learn.
@@FirstNameLastName-okayyoutube Some troll who thinks hes an intellectual.
@@gelatinouseaterofswirls8010You realize how foolish your logic is, correct?
I am astounded that mothers leave their babies to cry, when all they want is warmth and attachment.
And yet these same mums dont sleep alone ?? So if you can't sleep alone as an adult how is a dependent developing baby suppose to?? They need warmth and a sense of safety for these early years so much more than an adult.
Weak parents, weak childrens.
You can’t be attached to anything in this work this life is borrowed
@@ScienceInMedicinewhat you mean?
I'm a Pakistani & this would be considered extreme form of child abuse in our society if anyone got to know people do this to their infants. There's literally no concept of putting infants to sleep in separate room. Let alone let them cry. We never let infants cry.
My mother is indonesian and she's the same way. My son just makes a little squeak and she says "what's wrong?!"
@msmissy6888very funny sir
It has nothing to do with the subject here. You’re pressed about different opinions
You’re joking, right? There’s literally a video here on YT entitled, “Why is child abuse so rampant in Pakistan?” In 2022, you had over 4,200 cases of child abuse, and those were only the cases that were actually reported, with half of them being sexual crimes, especially in Punjab. If you consider letting a baby cry itself to sleep to be, “extreme child abuse,” then what do you consider all of the crimes committed in your country, where children are physically injured and sexually abused?
And before anyone says it, yes, unfortunately, child abuse occurs everywhere. No one is denying that. But we’re also not trying to morally grandstand by saying that, despite all of the evidence to the contrary, we care so much about children, we won’t even let babies cry. The website Al Jazeera said in 2023, a child was sexually abused in Pakistan every 2 hours, and 12 specific children in Pakistan were sexually abused every single day for the first half of 2023, according to the, Sahil report. You can fact check all of this if you feel compelled, it took less than 2 minutes of searching to find.
@@BrabbitHabit sorry bro but Ur long essay is not relevant to the topic here. But keep writing, May be one day you'll bcm shakespeare. Good luck
What? Isn’t Pakistan known for its rate of infanticide? Isn’t it common for parents to leave unwanted baby girls alone to die in dumpsters?
Now we know why this generation has so much depression and anxiety
I agree, it's surely one factor.
I think the food we eat has to do with this.
What you think the people before us had better methods ? You really think people had better tools and knowledge and studies back hundreds and thousands of years ago. The cry out method is the oldest and very first method and yet here we are still alive as a race
@Ssp ssp depression and anxiety are not anything new. People used to cover it up more with drugs and alcohol and silence.
@@emir0324 the cry out method only really took off since the 1980s and suicide rates have boomed since the mid 1990s.
I dont let my baby cry and i respond to her cues right away. Shes almost 6 months old and sleeps from 7-8 pm all through the night til 6-8 am
Brittany Calhoun how do you manage? My wife and I are going through this. Our 7m old son is super super active and we get him to bed at 7:30-8, then dream bottle feed around 11:30 then he’ll wake again around 3-4 and we feed him again hopefully before he cries too much and becomes too awake. Sometimes like this morning he is then too awake at 4:30 and hard to get him back to sleep. We are all for the CIO method but then stumbled across this video. It doesn’t seem practical too keep reacting to them each and every time which is why sleep training looks encouraging
Well, you just got lucky lol
Radwa Saleem not every baby is the same. if you don’t practice the CIO, you’re child will run all over you and scream at you when they’re 3-5 years old.
@Mira M unfortunately that’s reality sometimes
@@damarimoland1613 no they will not
And my mom wondered why I never told her when I was sick and instead cried silently in my room.
Oh this is heartbreaking 💔
@@beth90 It actually is, I feel sorry for my old self. But I'm happy now and learning about how to communicate my problems and pains ☺️
Same.
I dnt agree.... i was raised where my mother would never let us cry. She extra overbearing... and i still sat in my room and cried silently... ths crying it out has very little to do with it. Im sure theres many other factors that go into it.
That seems like a completely different issue
I have always felt crying it out was wrong since I was a kid and every adult around me told me it was fine for my younger cousins to be crying. I knew my intuition was correct. I hated the feeling that I was not cared about and I never knew where it came from. this mentality goes beyond just sleep and it hits deep in the emotional psychology of the child. They might seem fine now... But as they grow there will be things they might not ever tell you were wrong.
Thank you so much for making this video. It really breaks my heart when I hear neighbor's "sleep training" their babies. I once heard a baby cry for hours just across the street in another house (that's how loud it was!) I'm not sure it was sleep training, but I suspected it was because that's a common practice where I am. I hate to think of any infant having to suffer that. I was actually advised to let my baby CIO by a doctor; thank goodness my maternal instincts told me otherwise.
Vanessa T doctors think they know everything, but they don’t. About sleep training, starting foods at four months, or vaccines
@@hayleybickers6882 You had me there until vaccines.
Hayley Bickers I was all on board until you said shit about vaccines... smh you shouldn’t have kids
Hayley Bickers idiot
@@hayleybickers6882 you’re right about vaccines. No one even knows what’s on them and yet they blindly get injected with them because it’s recommended. There are large amounts of harmful metals in them that can even cause an adult to suffer from sleep issues let alone a baby. Don’t listen to these sheeple in the comments that tell you other wise. Clearly they rely on mainstream media and information from corrupt pharmaceutical companies 😊
Here’s my 2 cents as a proud dad of 3. No 2 kids are the same. Every single kid has different needs. Trust your instincts and the instincts of the kids mom, you both love your kids and want the best for them, even if you don’t see eye to eye on how to get there. Fundamentally, love is the most important thing. If you let them cry it out because you love them, or if you comfort them because you love them, it’ll be good for all. Loving them is what’s important. If you let them cry it out because you’re annoyed, or if you comfort them because you’re annoyed, it’ll end up badly for all. Your heart and your instincts will guide you to do what’s right, just listen to them.
Thank you, thank you, thank you. I’m so glad I didn’t listen to my family members advising me to let my baby cry and not mollie cuddle him. But my heart never allows me to let him cry, as I know his only way of communication is through crying. They don’t cry out of spite, but because they have no choice.
From University of Michigan Mott Children's Hospital, one of the most reputable children's hospitals in the world:
"Letting a baby cry itself to sleep has been viewed as cruel or even dangerous by some parents due to fears that such nighttime turmoil could raise an infant’s stress levels and provoke future behavioral problems.
But moms and dads needn’t lose sleep with worry, according to a study published this week in Pediatrics.
Conducted by researchers at Flinders University in Adelaide, Australia, a recent survey of 43 babies found that those who soothed themselves to slumber saw no greater signs of attachment or emotional issues one year later when parental surveys were completed.
And their levels of cortisol, a stress hormone, were lower than measurements taken in babies from the study’s control group (whose caretakers were given informational literature, but no actual directive).
Perhaps more encouraging, the babies left to cope via a method known as graduated extinction - aka the cry-it-out approach - fell asleep 15 minutes more quickly. That benchmark came three months into the study, but better sleep often occurred within the first week.
It is why Heba Abu-Isa, M.D., supports the concept. About half of the parents she sees, she adds, use it.
“Most babies have to learn how to help themselves fall asleep,” says Abu-Isa, a pediatrician for the University of Michigan C.S. Mott Children’s Hospital - and a mother of three young children who has used the method in her own home. “You’re going to have a happier baby if they’re well-rested. It benefits them indefinitely in the long run.”
You might have a couple of rough nights, but once it’s mastered, it’s typically mastered.
Heba Abu-Isa, M.D."
But sometimes you have no choice but to let them cry, plus when you done spent a whole hour trying to get baby to sleep or stop crying.
@@doordye6503 that I agree with, when you've done everything you needed to, and they're still crying; there's nothing you could do but let them cry.
@@doordye6503 they could be colic at that point !
"His only way of communication is through crying" yes! So important
I believe this to be partly true, however families need a balance. An adult's and baby's mental health are equally as important, not one more than the other. The baby needs to be calmed to avoid negative psychological impact. The adult may sometimes need to step away, to keep from becoming frustrated and angry with the baby. And taking care of yourself does not, in anyway mean you are causing detachment issues in your child. As a mom myself in the past 3 months, I have come learn balance is of utter importance to not our the adult, but the baby. The more calm and collected I am, the better and more efficiently I can soothe my baby.
That's why the nuclear family is unnatural. In a joint family, no one is too exhausted at any point of time
This is why parenting is so hard - often needs of parents are in direct competition with needs of a child. So taking care of yourself still means neglecting the child. But if time away helps parent to self-regulate, then that's the best that can be done.
This is probably the best comment I've read on here
How was the testing for the emotional Detachment made?
If they are fed, dry, and warm, it doesn't hurt to let them cry, as long as you check on them and reassure them they are fine, but I wouldn't try this until they are close to a year, but they do not need to be held 24/7
Agreed
Read the Continuum Concept.
Agreed! Better rest for the mom equals better care for the child.
@@schmellen88 the what concept
My baby boy is 4 months old & he sleeps in my arms... My whole body is in pain & I dnt know what to do to make him sleep in bed & still I can't let him cry it out because I feel guilty & bad... HELP
Sou Ghandi same here almost 4 months now... I’m desperate! He won’t go off my hands! My back hurts so much! How are you doing now?
Have you tried putting his bed right next to your bed? I have a pack in play that has see through mesh and she can look at me while shes falling asleep or ill play with her hand
Oh you posted this a year ago lol
I still swaddle my baby to make her feel more comfortable and of course the pacifier. She is 4 months old
Crying isn't going to kill him. If he had the chance to realize that screaming for no good reason won't get an award he would actually be allowed to learn to self soothe. Parents these days think they have to be baby slaves and each generation is more useless than the last.
Letting a baby cry for hours on end is ridiculous, but I do think we need to set the foundations for independent sleep habits from early on.
If you set your baby up for success such as feeding very well throughout the day, giving them appropriate nap opportunities throughout the day, setting a consistent bedtime routine (bath, breast/bottle, book and then bed) you will very likely not need to have a baby screaming at bedtime. If they are, review what's going on. Did they get enough naps that day? Did their last nap finish too close to bedtime? Did they not eat enough during the day? Are they unwell?
Another big problem is sleep associations such as rocking to sleep or pacifiers. When baby wakes up and these aren't there they don't think they can get themselves back to sleep on their own.
Also the sleeping environment needs to be good too. Firm mattress, no toys or loose blankets, no mobiles or pictures near the crib, a very dark room and a white noise machine.
It's all about setting the baby up for success and setting realistic expectations. We can't have a baby screaming for hours on end but it's also not great for a baby to not know how to put themselves to sleep and get back to sleep should they wake up during the night.
I do all these things and my 6 month old still wakes every 40 min -2hrs at night. How do you propose they teach themselves to sleep?
I myself have two kids and with both of them i had to walk and comfort them to sleep from the day they were born i used to wake up 2 3 times a night maybe more . I believe this is what it means to be a parent you need to take care of your child i could not stand it watching my baby cry to sleep it hurt me .
I agree with everything she says in this video .
Good on ya! As for me, my kids are getting the "cry it out" method once they turn 2 years old, lol. Maybe I'm a horrible parent, but Im sure after the nighttime routine of teeth, pajamas, and bedtime story they will be able to overcome the traumatic experience of learning to sleep through the night ;)
I think any child who has parents who love him and are doing their best is very lucky and will have a great start in life. So many kids suffer from actual neglect (not having basic needs met, being left to cry on a regular basis by parents who feel nothing for the child), are sold into slavery around the world, are beaten or sexually abused, or live in war-torn countries.
As parents we need to realize we will make mistakes and there will always be someone there to tell you you’re doing it wrong. As mothers especially, there will always be someone like this lady who will prey on your postpartum anxiety to make you feel like ONE MISSTEP AND YOUR CHILD IS SCREWED FOR LIFE SO GIVE ME MONEY AND I’LL TELL YOU HOW TO DO IT RIGHT.
There are selfish parents who sleep train (I just want my sleep so I can have more energy to YOLO the night away), and there are abusive parents who cosleep and babywear (my child is an extension of me and I’ll never allow them to be their own person). But most parents just love their child and are doing what they believe will be best for the child and for their relationship
I appreciate your response. I am honestly trying to figure out if you are right. It bothered me that she said "the research shows" but I was waiting the whole video for her to cite any research.
Baby is going on 6 months, every time he has cried at night my wife or I have picked him up or she’ll feed him if need be. We can’t set him down without him crying, he has to be held constantly. We can’t get any sleep bc he wakes up 5-10 times per night. Which once held he instantly falls asleep. We tried the cry method and it was rough but after crying for an hour or so he slept all through the night!
What about sleeping w the baby? Maybe baby has indigestion. See Ayurveda, they teach how to help this.
Sparkle Lee what about killing your baby by crushing them ?
I am having similar experiences with my son(3 months). He cries and screams until I come and pick him up and IMMEDIATELY falls asleep. Then the second I place him in his crib he starts screaming. I may just be sensitive, as a mother hearing my baby cry... But I can't imagine a person that wouldn't have a hard time with that struggle
JDM Life did you continue and did he just start sleeping through the night after that?
@Deanna Andrade thank you for your comment. After looking at this video and reading some comments I started to feel horrible for letting my baby cry it was for maybe 10 minutes and he went back to sleep. My baby is 4 months BF and falls asleep while nursing mostly. He wakes up almost every time I put him down but he is so sleepy.
I didn't even know about this til I saw a movie about it. We never practice it here in Asia and the families here have a stronger bond.
You said more so for less than 6 months old. My son is 1 and he will not sleep unless rocked/bounced with a bottle. He must be fully asleep before I put him down otherwise he stands up and screams. He wakes up 5 to 10 times a night. Nothing will stop his crying except being rocked and sometimes may need another bottle. How do I break this? How can I put him down awake? There is no soothing him and putting him down he just screams if I leave him awake.
I've got a girl same age and character you described. Did anything change for you in the 2 months since this comment?
@@GodmanBG a few weeks after this post, my wife and just couldn't take it anymore. We decided to do the cry it method. And thank the lord we did it. We rocked him to sleep like normal. And put him in his crib. As usual, after about an hour, he woke crying. This time we didnt go in. He cried for about 45 minutes and then laid down and went to sleep. He sleeped about 4 hours before waking up. And we went in and changed him and had a small amount of milk to rock him back to sleep until morning.( we put him down at 8pmand he is usually up for good around 630-730am. We did this for a few nights. make sure no bottles or blankets are in the crib because it bothers them and wakes them up and of course safety reasons. After the few nights of doing that. He practically sleeps through the night now. He might wake up once through the night. We can tell when he actually needs us now. Because he will wake up and go back to sleep within 5-10 minutes. If its reaching 20-30 minutes, then we will go in and check his diaper and rock him back to sleep. It's like a night and day difference in our energy and our son's because all 3 of us arent tossing and turning and waking up so often. And at the end of the day. The baby will cry no matter what sleep training you decide. You arent neglecting your child. 30 minutes to an hour for a few nights will not ruin your child's brain.
@@zzjus10zz85 I agree 100%. Everyone will have to use the "Cry it out" method eventually unless they want a 5 year old screaming and crying on the grocery store because he didn't get the toy or candy he wanted.
I have been saying this for years , nice to see I am not the only one. Too many new parents read these books by psychologist's telling them to ignore their crying babies. They forget the infant cannot speak and that in the womb everything was there for them. The only way to get fed , cleaned and warmed is to cry.( Unless a parent is caring very closely for the baby). Babies cannot feed , change or soothe themselves. They are not spoiled or mannipulative . I have had five children all cared for , loved and well adjusted. Never had a screamer or any temper tantrums.
The same freinds that told me to ignore my babies , all have children with behavioral problems . Coincidence , i think not.
Can I ask what your sources are? I know many families who have used sleep training with great success and whose children are by no means anxious or detached. I would say the opposite is true in their case - they show less of these behaviours since sleep training . They were also told by their pediatricians that sleep training is evidence based and that research has failed to show any negative long term effects on attachment - in fact, sleep trainied children perform better on several measures. So I'm just wondering what studies your beliefs are based on?
Thank you for the video. What about the methods when you stay by your baby while she cries in the crib and pat her rather than picking her up to rock?
where are the studies though to prove this has a lasting negative effect?
This is so frustrating. I coslept and do a floor bed with my first, but I'm on my second and getting so many mixed signals from "experts" saying that they are referencing science. So which is it?
What's the goal? Maybe we can't have it all. Maybe we have to choose what our priorities are. We will have to trade some things off. What if the decision is between parents who have energy to parent and enjoy their childREN or depressed, exhausted, detatched, unmotivated parents who will convince themselves, others, and their own children that there can be no more children without the complete sacrifice of their own well-being?
All I can say is that I'm at a huge turning point and I feel like messages like this imprison mother's in a nightmare of constantly taking on their child's pain, fear, and sadness for fear of creating a difficulty dealing with others later in life (likely just the human condition). We don't need to take it on. We can teach them to manage it without it killing us, can't we?
Experts need to stop fear mongering and stick to the legitimate science.
Here's a final question:
Is there strong enough evidence that we should assist our babies, toddlers, and children to sleep that it negates the abundant evidence of the damage lack of sleep does to everyone involved?
CIO/Ferber and related methods are for people who have lives outside of their children plain and simple. If mom and dad both work full time jobs, we need sleep to function properly during the day, be healthy and be available and attentive to our children when we are with them during the day. Is there any conclusive evidence one way or the other that CIO/Ferber even has a long term impact? The answer is no. Until there is scientific evidence via studies then we should all feel free to continue to do what works best for our individual families.
I am a FTM and I cannot stress how many comments I have gotten to just let my baby cry it out and self sooth! Hell no! My baby is barely 3 months old it really boggles my mind that many people think like this and think that it’s good advice to just let a baby cry it out. I freak out even hearing my baby cry for a second.
So why do lost or abandoned baby animals learn to love humans or other animals later when they are adopted??
Help my baby wont stop crying to put her down for bed and its tearing me apart i have to just her cry at times she's getting so heavy she wants to be help to sleep not to mention im on my own with her
What i can say is when I left for work in the evenings, my husband only can make baby sleep in rocking chair! Because baby go sleep with my breast usually.. how he cries! omg!!!!
When I came back home I heard how baby struggled with breathing after crying for 30 minutes! But then he learn how to sleep with his dad
And now he go to sleep in seconds when daddy goes to rocking chair with him....
now I’m thinking how to make him sleep in a crib! Because literally it was CIO method for him, when I wasn’t near and there was only daddy
From University of Michigan Mott Children's Hospital, one of the most reputable children's hospitals in the world:
"Letting a baby cry itself to sleep has been viewed as cruel or even dangerous by some parents due to fears that such nighttime turmoil could raise an infant’s stress levels and provoke future behavioral problems.
But moms and dads needn’t lose sleep with worry, according to a study published this week in Pediatrics.
Conducted by researchers at Flinders University in Adelaide, Australia, a recent survey of 43 babies found that those who soothed themselves to slumber saw no greater signs of attachment or emotional issues one year later when parental surveys were completed.
And their levels of cortisol, a stress hormone, were lower than measurements taken in babies from the study’s control group (whose caretakers were given informational literature, but no actual directive).
Perhaps more encouraging, the babies left to cope via a method known as graduated extinction - aka the cry-it-out approach - fell asleep 15 minutes more quickly. That benchmark came three months into the study, but better sleep often occurred within the first week.
It is why Heba Abu-Isa, M.D., supports the concept. About half of the parents she sees, she adds, use it.
“Most babies have to learn how to help themselves fall asleep,” says Abu-Isa, a pediatrician for the University of Michigan C.S. Mott Children’s Hospital - and a mother of three young children who has used the method in her own home. “You’re going to have a happier baby if they’re well-rested. It benefits them indefinitely in the long run.”
You might have a couple of rough nights, but once it’s mastered, it’s typically mastered.
Heba Abu-Isa, M.D."
Thank you! I agree with the method and I worked with kids. The babies that had the cry it out method were emotionally stronger than the ones who were soothed all the time. And I saw multiple type of approaches. The cry it out method is what turned out to have better babies in the future.
@@Raquelzinha404 what about the babies in orphanages in Romania left in cots with just enough care to prevent them dieing of hunger I watched documentary on this most were stunted emotionally as adults closed off and would show the same to their own offspring if they ever had any.
@Helena Howard That situation is totally different. Those children were never shown any love at all. They were never given any emotional support or comfort. They were never held and soothed even outside of bedtime. The whole situation was dysfunctional. That is totally different than loving and emotionally supportive parents, who doesn’t pick up their baby at bedtime.
Today's youth are more aggressive/depressed/anxious/suicidal/in and out of prison, and yet you have these parents who advise to have babies cry it out. I was even talking to a woman who advised to let babies cry it out. She tried to pull the "have you had children", to try and make me look stupid, but I was raised by a good mom who didn't ignore me all of the time. Cry it out is just another version of just how today's generation doesn't care nor is loving to others
Everyone seems to say "research shows".... and that's on both sides of this debate. My question is why on earth has no one shown the article or a link to the (HOPEFULLY) peer-reviewed article. Please if you are gonna say "research shows" then cite that research.
The reason why parents from developed/commonwealth countries are in favour of this practice is that it makes their life "convenient" for them so that they don't have to attend to the babies every little minute and sacrifice their personal needs and desires.
Which is why there are so many couples today who opt to be childfree since they are ready to be parents physically, mentally and emotionally.
No point in wanting to be a parent but also set your own standards or right and wrong to make life convenient for you and it's unfair to your child.
I know of tons of parents who went into deep depression because they didn't let the baby cry so the baby would see that and cry and scream eveytime when put down or left and that because the moms would alway tend to the babies eveytime they cried. So in these cases the baby would cry all the time when not in the moms hands. These were the same advise given to these parents. But as soon as the parents would not tend to the babies for every second they cried thing became alot better and the other family member in the house were able to bond with the babies because of the mother's not rushing to the babies and let them cry it out sometimes they were able to bond with other family and not just the mother and the mothers were able to get some time some rest and peace because the baby was not spoiled with the crying eveytime for the mother and her picking them up now other family could help and the baby didn't cry as much. MOST IMPORTANTLY the babies was very happy and healthy and played more with their brothers and sisters instead of only crying for mom.
So you say that they can become emotionally detached and then show a clip of a ***Toddler*** screaming. "The mother is not there and no one and nothing in their environment will be there" is such a play on parents emotions it's disgusting. A newborn is not going to be thinking these depressing things. The moment it falls asleep and wakes up to you being loving and caring it's right back to being fine. Cry-it-out isn't the same as neglect. You can read to your baby at sleep time, even regularly come in and check on them and give them love, reassurance, and affection. Crying is communication whether you like it or not. If the only thing that gets a child to STOP CRYING is an unhealthy habit such as sleeping in the same bed as you every night then crying is the better alternative to developing poor habits. I don't recommend just neglecting your kid, obviously. Who sincerely would? But in a situation where you have to show your child that they are not in control of you, you need to stop being afraid of hurting their feelings. Regardless of intent, your baby is going to feel negative emotions. So pushing an agenda against "cry-it-out" by saying it's harmful to this extent is absolutely ridiculous.
This is something I know internally. Although i love this video! I feel mothers today have become so alienated from their own primal instincts to comfort their child, that they let them cry it out. I never did with my daughter now 22 mths old and never will. I still have vivid memories of being left to cry it out which has long term implications on my mental health and generalized anxiety disorder that I have to continue to treat and work on for the rest of my life. Comfort your children, a child's cry is their way of communicating that they need you, don't let them grow up feeling unsafe in this world that is already so chaotic and unresponsive. You are their constant source of reassurance, love and protection. :)
I have a friend with grown male children. She is in her 50's. She did not do the cry it out with her first, but she did with her second child. Now the first, is still attentive to her and sympathetic, the second distant and emotionally detached. She blames it on the cry-it-out she used on him. It took him 4 nights of crying most of the night to finally stop it. She reports it was the hardest thing she ever did. Now she regrets it.
This cry it out is such a western thing. In India you’d be crucified by society for letting your baby cry and for good reason too! People shouldn’t have babies if they can’t comfort them. A parent’s need for rest is not greater than a baby’s need for comfort yet in the western world, the adult always gets prioritised. I am glad that you are trying to make a change and helping people do the right thing by educating them with this video. Have just sent this to my hubby too.
Well, I know whose kids will be working for my kids in the future.
What to do to help baby nap in day… not always on you and how to increase 30-45 min naps to 1-2hrs, especially if noticing more tired and grouchy?
I have believed cry it out is harmful since my brother was born 13 years ago my parents were so set on the cry it out method but I couldn’t let him cry so I would go comfort him without my family knowing
Now years later it’s starting to come to light just how awful this treatment is
My husband was a cry it out baby he’s 25 and he attributes a lot of his mental health and attachment problems to this method
I see a lot of folks saying “they detected from their parents as an adult because of this” uhm are y’all sure it’s from this and not them ignoring your cry in the future as well ? My mom did the cry it out method on me and guess what ? If anything is wrong with me till this day, she’s the first person I run to so I totally disagree
In other words: if you want "a little peace and quiet" DON'T HAVE KIDS, it is soooooooo simple.
My sleep trainer adivsed to let haby cry for 10 min bekfre coming in as long as she sounds finickey and not blatantly screaming. I hope im not doing the wronf thing
Where's the research though? There's been plenty of research as to why Cry It Out doesn't actually harm children. I was hoping for actual research behind this, rather than an opinion.
Do not let them in the bed with you. You’ll never get them into their own beds without trauma.
Thank God I saw this video - I was gonna start the CIO method tonight 🤦🏻♀️
Thank you so much!
Where’s your evidence? Because there has been research that shows that sleep training (CIO) does not harm attachment. So the science shows the opposite of what you’re saying.
This is why our society is soooo sensitive nowadays, Soft parenting!
Super agree
They also talk about a similar thing when babies don't have their hunger cues met
I used cry it out with my daughter she’sperfectly fine🤷🏽♀️
For now
Probably not
Yeah, no. Because she doesn't talk about it with you, doesn't mean she is fine. You ignored her needs when she communicated it through crying. That will always have a longlasting affect on their mental health.
How do you know she’s fine? She will always carry that trauma deep within her. You will see as she gets older. It’s not to make you feel guilty but the reality is that the trauma has shaped her brain.
My mom is proud of letting me cry it out when I was a baby and I was never very close with her. She would also say that I turned out perfectly fine.
How does she know what the babies feel and think like get real.
Ok but I’m depressed from sleep deprivation
There's a difference between training a kid on how to sleep or how not to be spoiled and there is neglect.
Ignoring a hungry baby...neglect
Letting a baby cry it out during sleepy time...training
Letting a baby cry it out for over an hour...neglect
Letting a toddler cry it out in a play pen because he/she hitting things...discipline
For a kid to get emotionally damage takes a very long time. And these kids suffer from Neglect.
This is no different with many ills..such has pampering a baby til adulthood. Giving constant sweets to kids to hush them up...and later deal with obesity. And trauma. Such as abuse.
Learn the differences
Yeah I don’t believe this at all. What do you remember from when you were an infant ? Nothing. If a baby who’s 5 months or older and still staying up all night and won’t be put down at all it can be dangerous for that parent who’s not getting any sleep.
The cry it out method actually helps them learn to self soothe, it's far worse to encourage them to wake up and stimulate them every few hours.
Say whatever you want. Everyone knows this is a torture.
I dont agree. My parents used that method with me and im not emotionally detached at all. However, i do agree that if the baby is too youn then it isnt a good idea to do so. All i can say to everyone who doesnt agree letting their children cry it out occasionally is ok: good luck with having a needy and greedy toddler who has no idea how to fall asleep on their own and has no back bone🤣🤣🤣
This video is specifically about babies - especially those 10 months and under so yes, this is about making sure that we as parents are attentive to their needs when they are most vulnerable. This doesn't mean your child can never cry, but knowing when is enough and how to help them become resilient slowly and not teaching them that their needs will never be met from day one.
@@ericakomisarlcsw1018 Oh! I didnt knoe this was only about 10 months and younger! In that case, I definitly agree. "Baby" is such a generic term that it's hard to know what age group is being refferred to, lol.
I could see this lady also telling parents to force their kids to pick their pronouns
I love how you give no solution, but my niece is a perfect example of being too baby, and she is five. Still sleeps with my sister smh, start sleep training after four months your doing them a favor not harming them
She is five you said, that's no baby,that's a kid,not even a toddler, it is totally different story to sleep training a 2 3 4 5 yo vs a 2 3 4 5 months old
I loved your book "Being There" and I loved this video - you helped to confirm my decisions not to sleep train either of our children. With both of them we tried 1-2 nights of it and then realized we just couldn't justify it to ourselves - we ended up bed sharing with both of them and while our sleep certainly doesn't look anything like what it did before kids we do find that we get more rest overall and we know that our babies needs are being met and they know they are loved and safe. Our 2 year old daughter transitioned to her own bed in her own room when her brother was born without any issue and I think she was able to do that because we had met her night needs until the point where she was independent.
How and what age did you cosleep ? I have a 6 month old who has regressed and now waking up every 2 hrs max and my husband and I take shifts. We are exhausted. But safe sleep guidelines forbid cosleeping at this age due to the suffocation risk and I know someone who’s 8 month old fell out of the bed and died.
@@r.dennison5042😢this is scary! My baby is 14 weeks old and is going through the 4 month regression. It’s impossible to make him fall asleep. My previous methods don’t work anymore 😢and now I have given up and started to give him the breast in bed. 😢😢
@@danielaballesteros3264 that’s why we don’t co sleep, my husband and I take 5 hour shifts so we each get 5 hours of sleep. My baby’s 4 month regression has taken almost 3 months now. She’s finally only waking twice. So far. I won’t co sleep until she’s 18 months. I was on an infant loss group after my first baby died and there were too many women on there whose babies died from it. I would take shifts with your husband. One person can’t do it all alone all night.
@@r.dennison5042take a look to the book “safe infant sleep” with guide to safety cosleep at this age by doctor james mclennan
@@r.dennison5042Hey ❤️please look up ‘safe sleep 7’, these are the guidelines for safe cosleeping and can be done safely from birth onwards. If you follow these there is absolutely no increased risk than if they were in a cot. And actually can be better as your body will be in tune with baby and you’ll notice very quickly if in distress. Love from a happy cosleeping mum x
Many, many parents I know use CIO, and I think that adults think of it from a mature adult's POV and apply it to the infant's situation. An infant is not capable of understanding why the parent isn't coming to comfort them, so it makes perfect sense why going silent means they are "giving up" rather than thinking "oh, my manipulative crying is not working so I'd better be mature and go to sleep like I've been told to do." An infant isn't capable of logically thinking like that. An older child can understand why they can't get out of their room at night 10 times, but a baby is still learning about the world and cause-and-effect. Thank you for sharing this important information and going against cultural norms even when it is not popular!
This makes no sense. It's like you're agreeing with both sides
Yeah they’re crying isn’t working soo the give up and sleep well wake up and everything is fine they gotta learn some day that life isn’t all sunshine and rainbows. Pressure makes diamonds they will grow stronger soo toughen up and don’t spoil your baby.
@@Danigxxiii
Not spoil, but baby need secure attachment at least until three years old...
In some country baby sleep with their mother until they are sleep alone...can still grow up as independent individual...
@@Danigxxiiibabies don't need to be pressured.
@@Discordia5 I never said to pressure baby. I said pressure makes diamonds as in, tough situations cause you to grow. Baby will learn after a week of exposure, ok it’s time to sleep when I feel tired and crying. You need rest as a parent too.
Always a very sensitive topic. I don't know the "right" answer and it's really hard to know for sure. What I know is everyone in the family - my husband, me and my CHILD are much happier after the so called sleep training that shown its effectiveness in 3 days... Changing from waking every hour (even with co-sleeping) to waking twice overnight (at 4 months-ish old) due to hunger (I assumed) which he was attended to, fed and put back to sleep. He weaned himself off night-feeding (fully EBF baby) at 8 months old. The huge change was that we were all getting the minimal rest we need to function - my child was much more playful and engaging during the day (instead of being cranky and in constant battle of catching up with sleep), and I have more energy and capacity to be available to play with him too (instead of being cranky and irritable myself due to the lack of sleep), so were my husband. It improved our family relationship in a whole, the result was very clear. My son is 2+ now and has always been attended to on those special nights (separation anxiety/nightmares/sickness), we co-sleep with him in his room if needed. Knowing our child's pretty well now, there are times we know he would go back to sleep based on the way he cries/his body posture from what we observed from the camera which we will then wait and indeed he falls back to sleep and if he doesn't after a short-period of waiting we go in to comfort him. I am not saying all families should do the same but I genuinely believe what we decided to do benefited our family - that we are a much happier family. I also believe parent-child relationship is an accumulative experience and a feeling of the parent as a whole, not solely based on the moment going to sleep. In my perspective, those who claimed CIO has mentally injured them in long-run may have a mother/parent who is also generally emotionally not available most of the time during the day, so it's not the CIO that has harmed them but a mother who struggles to be emotionally available in general. I may have different perspectives in the future, who knows, but these are my current 2 cents...
Hey, I agree. I have sleep trained all four of my babies starting around 5 months and they take to it very well. They cry for about 45 minutes the first night (yes it is heart breaking) 30 minutes the second night, 15 the third, and by the fourth night they fall asleep within a few minutes, and from then on sleep through the night. I know not everyone has it this easy with sleep training, but it has worked wonderfully for my babies. They are so happy and well adjusted. I’ve been a stay at home mom for 13 years, and I’m a very attentive mom. I’m not convinced for one second that my kids are damaged from those few nights of crying. It’s a blip in time compared to the cumulative days, months, and years that I have attended to their every emotional and physical need. Sleep is very important to mental and physical health for mothers and children.
@@s.a.6082 well they fall asleep within a few minutes not because they've been taught to soothe themselves but because you've taught them that when they're alone in a dark and empty room, their caregivers aren't going to care for them and they have to manage that problem on their own. when they're older, guess who they're not going to approach when they are stressed or have a problem? i know parents try to do what's best for their kids, and you obviously don't want to damage your children but empathize with what they're feeling when they're crying:))
@@samantamendoza1620I agree
Wow.... And you qre so proud of yourself.. So selfish!! How can a mom not be empathetic with her own baby? That's so sick. How can you just leave your child to cry when he needs you the most? I will never understand this level of selfishness and ignorance and cruelty. I will never be able to do thia to any baby, child and even adult. If someone cries..they need love and understanding. They need comfort.. especially a baby. From their own mom. For me...that just cruel.
@@samantamendoza1620The baby must learn that they don’t need to be rocked to sleep and coddled. Otherwise they’ll never be able to sleep on their own.
Kinda of late to the show here, but: I often try to look at what is best based on evolution. As in, what method did we evolve using? In this case cribs and separate rooms for the baby to sleep in are relatively new. I believe the first crib came around in the 19th century? Before recent times families were not wealthy enough or had the space for the baby to sleep separate from them. It would seem we evolved having our babies close to us at all times, even during sleep. Hell, there was a long stretch of time where having a baby cry for extended periods was downright dangerous to attracting predators (both animal and human). Now that we have the wealth and square footage to allow babies to sleep by themselves, is that right? A question I don't know the answer to but I tend to favor the method we evolved using.
Jesus Christ LMAO
yeah ppl didn't live for long back than either
@@djjones7039 your comment is irrelevant. The man is just stating facts. He is reasonable with good observation.
Lol, there is literally zero evidence to support this claim
Zero!!
As a matter of fact I think if proper research was to be done, it would be found that the benefits of sleep training go beyond just parents and baby getting better sleep. One mom noted that her baby was happier, more engaged during the day and he was learning and grasping new things mich quicker... obviously due to the fact that good sleep promotes brain development and all that.
LOL, that's some high fantasy. You have research that shows that babies that stop crying think that there's nothing in the world that will help them huh? Oooook... This woman has cats. She'll spend hours telling you about their personalities and what they "think" about things...
I try to sleep train my 7 month old and I don’t let him cry because it breaks my heart. A little noise is alright. I think we all know when they need us. A few times he was upset when he didn’t get to fall asleep in my arms being breastfed but then a little singing and cuddling or bouncing helped him. Usually I have to go back and comfort him 3-4 times or more before he falls asleep. Obviously it’s not working every single time because babies have bad days too. So I also don’t think I mustn’t breastfeed him to sleep at certain times. I don’t care if these methods advise me to be consistent. My baby had a routine since he was born and now I want him to have another one. It’s not going to happen as soon as I decided to change it. They don’t come with the ability to fall asleep independently so we have to help and teach them with lots of patience. My baby is happy and I can see he improved a lot so I keep using my own method.
You are an inspiration ❤
Lol. Fast forward to present generation. Entitled young adults who don't want to work...leading a massive drop in gdp...leading to inflation...leading to recession, and finally the US losing reserve currency status. Hope you're ready for hyperinflation like Venezuela
This is a pathetic video. FYI no pediatrician will agree with this woman. Also, babies are not happy to be left alone because they aren’t used to it -“at first so they complain and the only way to do so is to cry. How could you tell parents that their baby is afraid? What the hell kind of degree do you have? Babies need to learn and when you visit them in time intervals you are reassuring them that you are there for them. My baby was sleep trained and although it was a difficult process at first he slept much better in the long run and so did I. How dare you shame parents who are burned out and choose to sleep train? Shame on you.
I sleep trained my 1st born at 8months when I was literally at my most desperate. I couldn't manage at work, I was so sleep deprived I cried at the drop of a hat over anythingand everything. I even ended up getting disciplinary meetings at work due to me forgetting to carry our client's instructions and stuff. Mind you, up to that point I had been a top achiever always getting awards for doing well in my job.
Sleep training was a game changer. My now 3yr old is smarter than most her peers, very secure, happy and thriving. After that experience I decided to start the process at 6 months with my second born. So far so good.
Women who don't want to sleep train shouldn't but they mustn't bash those of us who must.
“Why I believe and the research shows that that [cry out method] is harmful to your baby.” Please links to these studying that you’re referring to on your description. 0:29
she can't because it would show she is full of baloney
Do sleep trained babies have a higher chance of sudden infant death syndrome?
Of course not.
Okay, but please think about the parents like me who have tried literally EVERYTHING except CIO.
Every time I go into the room, he cries harder because I have to leave. Nurturing him does not work, he gets angrier when I leave. He's also gotten SO dependent on me coming into the room to feed and coddle him, now he's waking up every 1.5 hours at night.
So what the hell am I supposed to do now??! I CANT keep waking up every hour I'm losing my damn mind.
This is literally me.
how did you do it in the end. I feel the frustration in your writing
@@mainanawacho5322 He eventually grew out of it. We forced him to cry it out but eventually we fed him more. He is now 15 months old (at the time, 6 months old), and he still wakes up once in the middle of the night but at least it's a simple bottle-and-change fix.
@@thunderallstars that's great... I'm glad you didn't get discouraged! 😌
What a strange way to talk about your baby. They are born fully dependent on you. You haven't tried everything, because you haven't tried cosleeping. Such a weird western concept that babies should be independent from birth, going as far as keeping them to sleep alone in a separate room. Obviously he gets angrier when you leave because he's trying to communicate to you the only way he knows how, which is by crying that he needs you. Anyway, glad for the poor child that he got used to it and stopped relying on you as much knowing there's no point in it.
@Erica Komisar what research? A bibliography wont cut it.
My mum did the CIO method. We have a wonderful relationship. She shows me every day how much she loves me. I get the safest feeling around her. I know that nothing will ever change her immense love towards me.
That's because this person and everyone agreeing with her are full of shit and are doing their babies a great disservice by constantly coddling them.
From University of Michigan Mott Children's Hospital, one of the most reputable children's hospitals in the world:
"Letting a baby cry itself to sleep has been viewed as cruel or even dangerous by some parents due to fears that such nighttime turmoil could raise an infant’s stress levels and provoke future behavioral problems.
But moms and dads needn’t lose sleep with worry, according to a study published this week in Pediatrics.
Conducted by researchers at Flinders University in Adelaide, Australia, a recent survey of 43 babies found that those who soothed themselves to slumber saw no greater signs of attachment or emotional issues one year later when parental surveys were completed.
And their levels of cortisol, a stress hormone, were lower than measurements taken in babies from the study’s control group (whose caretakers were given informational literature, but no actual directive).
Perhaps more encouraging, the babies left to cope via a method known as graduated extinction - aka the cry-it-out approach - fell asleep 15 minutes more quickly. That benchmark came three months into the study, but better sleep often occurred within the first week.
It is why Heba Abu-Isa, M.D., supports the concept. About half of the parents she sees, she adds, use it.
“Most babies have to learn how to help themselves fall asleep,” says Abu-Isa, a pediatrician for the University of Michigan C.S. Mott Children’s Hospital - and a mother of three young children who has used the method in her own home. “You’re going to have a happier baby if they’re well-rested. It benefits them indefinitely in the long run.”
You might have a couple of rough nights, but once it’s mastered, it’s typically mastered.
Heba Abu-Isa, M.D."
@@DW94576 43 is nowhere near a decent sample size. And there is zero account for how these kids will develop emotionally as a result. Also, could you tell me why no other mammal neglects to attend to their offspring wailing and crying? No time in human history have mothers just let their baby cry alone. It's fucking sick.
Thank you I had the same thing me and my brother and we are just fine I know that doesn't amount for all people but I don't see it from any of my cousins and friends in my general age group
@@DW94576 i bet you think infants can manipulate you to.
Plenty of kids grow up to have wonderful relationships with their parents inspite of earlier abuse. Having a good relationship with your parents as an adult is not an argument in favor of the crying out method. What about depression and other mental issues that may develop later in life or autoimmune disorders due to stress as a child?
My baby was waking every(!) hour at night since 4 months. I was desperate at the point of 13 months and used CIO as a last chance for all of us (including my LO) to have rest. In our case it worked magically - since night number 2 my child felt asleep in 5 minutes and slept through the night almost not waking. Can’t even compare to what it was, she started to sleep long stretches and was happier during the day as she rested good. Can’t agree with this video as I regret it kept me from trying it for a long time, the time we all could sleep better. CIO worked for us and I know many cases like that, I don’t see any difference in my kid, but I feel the difference in quality of the life of our family and it got soooo much better.
Same but we used it at 12 weeks since I had to go back to work. Within 2 days his sleep has improved so much! Before he would be overtired from not getting enough sleep cause I’d pick him up everytime he cried
You won’t see any difference in your kid until it’s too late even personality disorders like narcissism psychopathy, don’t present until teenage years I was someone whose parent did this to them and I can tell you now, it doesn’t help after much research, I even learned that babies and children that are exposed to Heightened stress when they r young
Have permanently Heightened stress later on in life and several other mental problems like abandonment issues problems talking about feelings ect it just takes 10 seconds to Google how controlled crying affects people later on in life then maybe you will understand how ur methods will only negatively impact ur kid later on in life
Please cite your (evidence-based) sources to back up the claims you are making. I am doing research to help me make a decision whether to try the cry it out method and I would appreciate some proof from both sides as both are making opposing claims. Thanks in advance
Hello! It's difficult to get into the nitty gritty in a 3 minute video, but I have a full bibliography in my book, Being There: Why Prioritizing Motherhood In the First Three Years Matters as well as in resources on my website.
mariachristina55 he said she said... I say do what works for you. It’s not good to constantly hold your baby at night even feeding them at night isn’t good bc they’ll always expect that. Always want to sleep with you.
mariachristina55 why are you ‘doing research’. Use your brain, your intuition, and nature as a guide. Just love your baby and have a routine when possible. They are only babies for a short time. The sleeptraining/cryitout crowd are just impatient and selfish people who prioritise money and status over their babies. Your baby won’t even want to speak to you when they are teenagers so enjoy the neediness while it lasts. If you sleeptrain/cryitout your child will be screwed for the rest of their lives and it will effect you in the long run.
@@ML-wb5pj Just don't give your teen a cellphone, and they wont be so socially distant.
What did you decide
Wrong, babies need to cry it out. Get over yourselves, scientifically it is perfectly safe to let them cry it out. And it is FAR healthier for them in the long run PERIOD.
I dont get the whole cortisol because crying thing. CIO method will usually work within 3-4 days with everyday approximately 45 min of crying. Well that is not something that is cronical in any means?
Yup never let my kids cry it out as babies! My mom always told me I’d spoil them sooo she must have used it with me and I’m all kinds of messed up lol
Wow! Horrible. I tried the "cry it out" thing and lasted all of about 2 min. before I went back to my instinct. I had six children who co-slept and breast fed. They are grown now. They have issues from the bad marriage, not from me attending to their cries, or sleeping with me.
From University of Michigan Mott Children's Hospital, one of the most reputable children's hospitals in the world:
"Letting a baby cry itself to sleep has been viewed as cruel or even dangerous by some parents due to fears that such nighttime turmoil could raise an infant’s stress levels and provoke future behavioral problems.
But moms and dads needn’t lose sleep with worry, according to a study published this week in Pediatrics.
Conducted by researchers at Flinders University in Adelaide, Australia, a recent survey of 43 babies found that those who soothed themselves to slumber saw no greater signs of attachment or emotional issues one year later when parental surveys were completed.
And their levels of cortisol, a stress hormone, were lower than measurements taken in babies from the study’s control group (whose caretakers were given informational literature, but no actual directive).
Perhaps more encouraging, the babies left to cope via a method known as graduated extinction - aka the cry-it-out approach - fell asleep 15 minutes more quickly. That benchmark came three months into the study, but better sleep often occurred within the first week.
It is why Heba Abu-Isa, M.D., supports the concept. About half of the parents she sees, she adds, use it.
“Most babies have to learn how to help themselves fall asleep,” says Abu-Isa, a pediatrician for the University of Michigan C.S. Mott Children’s Hospital - and a mother of three young children who has used the method in her own home. “You’re going to have a happier baby if they’re well-rested. It benefits them indefinitely in the long run.”
You might have a couple of rough nights, but once it’s mastered, it’s typically mastered.
Heba Abu-Isa, M.D."
@@DW94576 How bout babies fall asleep 15 min faster cuz they learned to GIVE UP!
Any parent that has a baby and needs to torture an infant so they can sleep needs to NOT be a parent! I've had six children and allowed them to co-sleep and nurse with great success.
Why do we have a need to have babies, then expect they be "independent", and "self soothing"?
It's bizarre to me!
@@withfootnotes same!! And ya that's just crazy and inaccurate what @DW is saying!! Babies communicate with us by crying it isn't just oh hey I'm crying just to cry!!!!! smh!! and ppl like DW really make me sick! My niece who is a first time mom told me her pedi told her to let her 2 month old cry it out and if she didn't she would regret it! I am like are you kidding me ?! I had her change pedis! That is insane as a medical professional to hear a pedi telling a young first time mom to let her baby cry! smh! And what about the study's the nazis did on babies with this method and the babies all passed away!! ugh I would never ever let my babies cry it out! And my older kids are perfect and never did I let them cry!
How do we know the babies assume no one will ever come to them? How can we assume we know how they’re thinking? Wondering because I’m getting to the point where we might have to sleep train if my baby doesn’t start sleeping more than 2 hours overnight 😵💫😵💫
If they’re 2 months or under they’ll literally almost never sleep two or more hours straight.
After raising my daughter to 12, I would’ve never thought I’d have the opportunity to have another baby in my care since I made the choice to not have any more.
A family member is going through a lot at the moment and she had a newborn baby the month prior, so long story short here I am fostering this baby… it is super tough! He doesn’t really settle on his own and needs a lot of attention. I’m kinda used to it now, but the first month was about the roughest thing I’ve endured in a very long time.
There have been studies that show that even if babies stop crying after some time of going through this method, their stress levels remain just as high and show they feel in distress. They stop crying not because they have healthily adjusted, but because crying was just no longer effective.
@@giannarose6503these studies are looking at actual neglect, not one or two nights of brief crying. That said, we don’t have any evidence that CIO doesn’t have any negative effects so it’s probably best to try starting with gentler sleep training methods and escalate to CIO if nothing else is working.
If the amount of crying involved in most sleep training amounted to neglect and then attachment, then none of us would have secure attachment because responding perfectly 100 percent of the time is just not realistic.
They don’t it’s usually internalised because their brain is so underdeveloped that they cannot make sense of it and later when they are usually a teenager the mental health problems caused by their childhood quite often present just like how personality disorders only show up later after childhood mental problems caused by controlled crying only show up when it’s too late so stop now or don’t knowing that it will affect your child later on in life
My youngest brother got this type of attention… he’s 38 with his mom still.. I think I’m going to follow the doctors recommendation of trying the cry it out method from 4-6 months as my parents did us and we came out fine lol
My daughter is just 7 months and I don't want to harm her, psychologically, long term by following methods that have been deemed socially correct. I want what's best for my daughter, long term, and this video has given me reason to believe that crying it out is NOT the best method. My wife and I will nurture and comfort our daughter, not ignore her.
Crying out is not a social method is a science proving method It's how I trained my kid... He's extremely smart at now 5 years old and sleeps by himself and even acts really chill.
Meanwhile my cousin did the opposite w her now 6 year old kid and for comforting her and giving her attention all the time, It's funny how that kid turned out... She's currently in Special ED and recieves therapies even after comforting her and treating her well all the time as a baby and never ignoring.
My 5 year old trained kid has no academic problem no social problem and is very well behaved for his age, He even told me there's this girl he likes...
Crying it out at times can help
I think, each baby is an individual and mesuring diferent outcomes with different babies its not accurate. You can be a confortong parent bur discipline is a virtue you have to teach at the right way for every age. I dont think i am teaching anything to my imature brained baby with cry it out. I do think i am teaching alot to a 3 year old when we have routines, schedules, rules, home obligations and not rewarding everything.
You sound like a good dad x
@@mrnacho2218I was smart as a kid my mum did this it had psychological effect that were detrimental to me All you need to do is just google how it affects people later on doing this.
For example because I was exposed to extra stress as an infant, I now have permanently heightened stress, hormones due to controlled crying I also have a crippling fear of abandonment that I have carried with me since I was a child I was unaware of why and in fact resented my mum for putting me through this, don’t make the same mistake or do, but just know that when your kid find out later on in life they will probably resent you to
Because it dosnt actually matter if ur kid seems good at 5 because even most mental health issues personality disorders things like psychopathy don’t show up until you’re a teenager and no one’s brain is fully developed until they are 25 but the beginning years of the most important for B and caring, and showing that your child can talk to you and express their emotions without being left
Over caring for your child does not cause them to be in special education, but it can cause narcissism. If all you do is praise or insult, your child. But one thing that will never ever benefit your child in the long run is controlled, crying. The only thing it teaches your child to do is not to cry when they need help comfort ect from you.
My mom tells me that she let me cry as a baby and i cant bring myself to tell her this might be a part of the reason i have emotional issues and issues showing love...
I also have high anxiety and struggle a lot with stress!!! Its awful
What a breath of fresh air to have someone educated who uses information from tangible studies. Sleep training is a massive money maker guaranteed to get results, so people generally side with it. They get defensive because it goes against what they did and to accept that it is a negative thing is to admit something was done terribly wrong - which no parent wants to do.
Or parents are so exhausted from having little to no sleep that they have to sleep train!
@@AnniK243 - Another comment from you! It seems as though you are suffering from feeling guilty so feel the need to troll and abuse others to make yourself feel better. Just because you haven’t got it in you to soothe your child to sleep don’t go around slamming people that can do it
@@Ryan-bh9jp that didnt really look like trolling to me. just a comment of disagreement. See Reddit for actual trolling :P
@@NathanSStorey - - This message isn’t trolling you are very right. But I’ve seen this person comment on other posts trolling the shit out of people. I was just letting her know I have spotted her again and was calling her out on her nasty comments she keeps dishing out elsewhere. She attacks people who soothe there babies to sleep. She says people who soothe there children to sleep are torturing them. She try’s making you feel bad for being a good parent. She is the ultimate 🧌
@@Ryan-bh9jp 'troll and abuse'? Exactly which part of my sentence embodies that? 😂
You should try not making assumptions, since I have never sleep trained my child but I fully support parents who do wish to do that, especially since some parents sleep only a couple of hours every day for years which is extremely unhealthy for both the baby and the parent. I think you should learn empathy and kindness, is that something you didn't get from your parents? Have a good day!
As soon as she said "I'm a psychoanalyst" I knew I didn't need to listen any further to this drivel. If you are a parent, do yourself a favor, and read Parenting By The Book by John Rosemond. He tells you how to protect yourself from deceptive people like this.
Crying out method worked for all of my 5 babies. My family is closer than anyone I know so I disagree with you.
Did it with my first. Busy with the process with my 2nd and if I have a third baby you can bet I will do the same with that child as well!
How many adults here that support the CIO methods for babies actually sleeps for 12 hours straight , solid, no waking up or know someone that does???
Isolating a human or even an animal in the dark for 12 hours is punitive in nature. Attempts to recreate the womb environment puts the baby at a disadvantage as it takes away opportunities for them to learn how to be a human in this environment.
The old school way is to allow the baby to cry it out. I use to hate when older people would tell me to let my babies cry it out. I stopped listening to them because it didn’t feel right to let my babies cry for long periods of time. Thanks for the video!
From University of Michigan Mott Children's Hospital, one of the most reputable children's hospitals in the world:
"Letting a baby cry itself to sleep has been viewed as cruel or even dangerous by some parents due to fears that such nighttime turmoil could raise an infant’s stress levels and provoke future behavioral problems.
But moms and dads needn’t lose sleep with worry, according to a study published this week in Pediatrics.
Conducted by researchers at Flinders University in Adelaide, Australia, a recent survey of 43 babies found that those who soothed themselves to slumber saw no greater signs of attachment or emotional issues one year later when parental surveys were completed.
And their levels of cortisol, a stress hormone, were lower than measurements taken in babies from the study’s control group (whose caretakers were given informational literature, but no actual directive).
Perhaps more encouraging, the babies left to cope via a method known as graduated extinction - aka the cry-it-out approach - fell asleep 15 minutes more quickly. That benchmark came three months into the study, but better sleep often occurred within the first week.
It is why Heba Abu-Isa, M.D., supports the concept. About half of the parents she sees, she adds, use it.
“Most babies have to learn how to help themselves fall asleep,” says Abu-Isa, a pediatrician for the University of Michigan C.S. Mott Children’s Hospital - and a mother of three young children who has used the method in her own home. “You’re going to have a happier baby if they’re well-rested. It benefits them indefinitely in the long run.”
You might have a couple of rough nights, but once it’s mastered, it’s typically mastered.
Heba Abu-Isa, M.D."
I’m the same way as a mom of 3..I don’t expect a baby to self-smoothe..adults have a hard time sleeping at night too! Smh. But now I’m a nanny and I’m having a hard time “nap training” because the mom and I are kind of different with parenting styles. Lol. I feel so bad for the baby too.
Not really the old school method. I think in older generations/ancient customs, it's always taught to soothe the child. Some experts later came in and introduced this, and thankfully latest research debunks all of this nonsense.
Oh and all babies are so diferent mine is a low sleeper 12 hours a day max even 10. But what did i expect? If i thrive on 6 hours a night or 5 🤷🏻♀️ i think babies are more like watch observe and learn, and come up with a particular alternative for your own baby.
@@thehopefulbudgeterNot all adults have trouble sleeping. Only the ones who can’t get manage a proper diet and who aren’t fat.
This lady probably doesn’t even have any children. This is incorrect information, there is a way to sleep train your baby with the cry out method and checking and comforting every few minutes without picking them up.
It is simple, babies are programmed for caveman nomadic lifestyles with lots of adults around to take care of them. In modern especially western societies we don't do as much manual labouring carrying babies around and there's usually only mom and dad, therefore, mom and dad get tired because there is no other adult around. Also we have a fast paced life, we work a lot and don't have a lot of time off. We are unable to take our babies to work either. I'm starting to feel terrible for having a baby in the first place now.
Omg, do what works for you! All these people blaming their mothers for their anxiety in the comments need to grow up and deal with their misogyny 🙄
This method works Better with older children who are use to being comforted and now need to learn to control their emotions, i didn let my daughter cry it out as an infant or until she was 3 now I will tell her go collect her feelings ma then come talk to me using words. And she comes back and says “mommy you making me angry cause I want you to lay and cuddle with me so I can sleep” she’s been in my bed her whole life now struggles with sleeping alone. She is 3 and express her emotions effectively and better than most adults but she does cry and get frustrated which is fine but it’s not harming her at this point after she explains her feeling so comfort her and speak to her and let her know I understand but she getting older and sleeping in her own bed has to happen. And what ever other reasoning I may have she might cry again and I let her go be alone to figure it out and come back when she’s ready to talk. My child adores me tho am picking her up from school she always happy to see me and she use to being held 24/7 or on my boob she just let it go at 3. I let her be a kid but I’ve found when you see the able to manipulate to get there way boundaries need to be set and they have to understand and she apologizes without me asking when she feels she wrong and corrects others and makes them apologize very affectionate will kiss my head and hands and do what I do to her on the regular basis. But she also knows crying doesn’t get her her way anymore asking for what you want and compromise does but even then not always. At only 3 I get so many compliments on how verbal she is and how she learns fast and she is such a sweetheart and doesn’t like people arguing and fighting, she use to a calm environment and doing yoga with me working out with me and having big girl convos with me. I think I did a great job as a parent but you have to know your child to know what type of parent they need you to be because not all are the same.
Don’t let them sleep in your bed from the beginning.
For the parents saying their kids are fine from crying it out, I wonder if that's only on the surface? I worry when my son cries too long for any long term psychological effects that's might have and only because I've worked with mentally disabled folks for nearly 10 years and seen cases where these individuals are dealing with psychological handicaps because during infancy and those core developmental stages after birth their parents didn't tend to their needs with urgency. Of course that's usually just in severe cases of emotional neglect. When I say neglect I don't mean necessarily abuse but their parents just didn't take it as seriously as they should've and it causing deep rooted emotional or mental difficulties that generally may people don't talk about with their parents or even understand well enough to be aware they should be talking about it. People see other act out in anger or a severe case of depression and don't tend to make the connection with how methods such as crying it out may have played a key role in creating within these individuals. Behavioral issues aren't just people being assholes or acting out, it's how their brain have wired them in their development. Little do you know maybe when you're child is acting it, maybe it could stem from there brain being trained to react in ways that aren't healthy for them. Or if you have adult children, I have plenty of behavioral tendencies and ways of thinking and reacting that I know stem from my early development. I've attempted suicide 4 times. Issues I haven't/can't talk to my parents with, and that they don't understand well enough to even understand recognize they might want to ask me what's going with me, internally that causes me to act or think one way or the other. That's what counseling is for as unless you have trained eye, you're gonna probably think everything is fine and little did you know deep under the surface they've been battling some demons you didn't know about.
@Erica Komisar
What about a modified CIO where the mother stays next to the crib and conmforts the baby by patting, singing but baby has to put himself to sleep instead of being rocked or nursed? Is this harmful because baby is still crying for a prolonged period? Asking for my 17 month old who still wakes half-hourly and is totally dependent on nursing between every sleep cycle!
Periodically checking in on your baby is not harmful because they know you’re not leaving them!! You’re simply telling them it’s bedtime and they need to go to sleep. This process can take days to weeks for the baby to get used depending on the child
I believe this is called the chair method where you take a chair and sit next to the crib and soothe without picking them up, which takes longer, but is still effective for many
I know it's easy to say soothe your baby but I still have problems with calming him he's 4 months, I feel hopeless sometimes because a lot of times he doesn't sleep properly, I don't know what to do to comfort him, the only thing I know is to pick him up and rock him but picking him up too much will spoil him and I don't want to do that too much.
you can't spoil a baby. it's okay be there for him as you would want someone to be there for you.
Im born 1981..my parents did this to me..every night from when I was born. Im traumatised by this..Ive struggeld with anxiaty, suezide thought, isolation, self harm, drug addiction.. as a 39 year old I woke up..started the jurney of healing, what I find is that the cry out method seriously damaged me. I would call it abuse..take care , love light and hugs❤
Wife an I have 3 daughters,2 1/2 18months and 6 months old.Did cry it out method and worked amazingly with all them..They cry intensely sometimes but they know were there, they all have the same routine every single night at the same exact times.They all know when its bedtime and try to run from us when it is lol, but they cried for about 4or5 nights less and less each evening than 4th or 5th night they went straight to sleep in a minute or less.I find it as a crock of crap that it hurts their brains and they get depressed later on etc etc.My daughters cling on to me and their Mom aka my wife and they smile every single time they see us and we love them so dearly and I think they recognize that more when their awake all day.I dont approve of what shes saying..Comfort your baby too much is when you cant get him or her to detach from you.We didnt do the cry it out method bc we needed sleep, we did it bc they needed to learn to sleep and when without continously needing us by their sides every night for the next 5 years.
My parents used the 'Cry it out Method' on the 3 of us, as children. I can tell you that what she says is absolutely true.
My mother, now in her 80's wonders what she did to her children that they are so 'independent'. She would like much more from them that what she gets.
I myself see that compared to some other adults, we do leave her much more on her own that other grown children do with their parents. There is a detachment.
It is very true, the emotions kind of shut down. Sure, we still did as we were growing up, just as you describe your daughters doing, smiles and love, but there is something, that shuts off. You will see this later in life when the children are no longer dependent on the parents.
According to AyurVeda, much of a child's sleep issues can have to do with indigestion. That system of care suggests a much different method of feeding the child than is at all common.
Erica says they find the child is afraid also. Most mothers, it breaks their heart to hear the child continue to cry.
Sparkle Lee I think this is probably just your personalities. I have 6 older siblings and they were all allowed to cry it out and 5/6 of them are still very attached to my parents and still call and visit them frequently. We are all independent adults, but we are also very attached to our parents and spend a lot of time with them.
@@emilythompson7279 Hi dear, so glad to hear it.
Erica Komisar, says this due to studies that have been done. There are always exceptions. But your parents are not really very old yet and are completely more or less independent. A tiny baby is completely dependent on the parents. Many studies have been done on this, that she sites. The parent is the child's nervous system and soothing system, read her book and studies she mentions and see what you think.
The more a parent lets a child 'cry' and not come to its assistance, the more that will happen to the parent when they are old-the children will let them 'cry' when the parents are no longer independent.
It can be that maybe the parent made up for it somehow, and changed their ways, as the child grew. Americans tend to be detached. Is it due to the child's upbringing? Other countries, and cultures can be very much more attentive. What do you think?
Sparkle Lee Well I mean I’m Canadian and if you want a better example I can go up to my grandmother on my fathers side. Her and her husband were farmers and had 8 children and let all their children cry it our. Now my grandfather has passed, but my grandmother goes house to house all year round and is constantly around her children and is being helped with her blindness and deafness by them. She doesn’t even travel alone, as she is always accompanied by one of her children. I don’t think the cry it out method creates trauma that separates the child from the parent. It’s the parenting and care that happens when they’re awake that matters. I think that circumstantial evidence doesn’t provide much help, and it is most important to go on a child by child basis. The cry it out method works for some children, such as my father, aunts, uncles, and my siblings, but perhaps not for others. That simply boils down to personality however. I am very independent personality wise, but the same cannot be said for some of my siblings though we all had the same treatment from birth.
Sparkle Lee I think the way you say “change their ways” makes it sound like the method is cruel and unusual. The cry it out method is painful for parents too, but after a few days when the child learns to self soothe at bedtime it makes both parties more comfortable. That does not mean that every time the child cries they ignore it. Nor does it mean that they are generally inattentive to their children. I am very independent and I actually got a lot more attention than the rest of my siblings because I had a cleft lip and therefore there was more of a risk of something happening to me, especially after surgery. So I was super attached to my parents when I was very young but now I am probably the most distanced from my parents of all my siblings. Not for lack of love, but just because of my personality. I was always soothed as a baby but it has not made me more attached as I got older. I can’t blame it for making me less attached, because correlation does not equal causation
Thank you for your work, I think it is a very important topic. We tried a "cry-it-out" method at 6mo, but gave up after the 6 hardest nights of our lives. My wife still rocks our 14mo old to sleep but it's a grueling practice that results in a lack of sleep, frustration, and desperation. How can we get our little one to sleep on her own without having to always be there and spend an hour each time to put her to sleep? Is there a time or method we can use the cry-it-out method that isn't so harmful?
@Amy how many nights did he cry before he got the hang of it? Ours would stand, then sit all the while wailing. She would rock back and forth from exhaustion, but sometimes would hit the crib wall and startle and the wailing would resume. This would last for hours every night. We couldn't keep going...
@Amy yea, my wife went in and comforted every 5 then 7 then 10 eventually 20min. She'd come in and comfort but not pick up. Didn't help. Soon as she left the wailing resumed. This went on for 6 days without any improvement. Our kid is very determined and persistent.