A Narcissist's Dread Of The Loser Label
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- เผยแพร่เมื่อ 8 ก.ค. 2024
- Naturally each person wants to be accepted. Dr. Les Carter describes how narcissists have such a hunger to be admired and such a competitive mindset that they develop a dread of being deemed a loser. What is worse, they will not admit such a dread, but will project much of their inner chaos onto you.
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Dr. Les Carter is a best selling author and therapist who has semi-retired to Waco, TX. For 40+ years he maintained a counseling practice in Dallas, conducting more than 65,000 therapy sessions and many workshops and seminars. He specializes in anger management and narcissistic personality disorder. Since creating his TH-cam channel, his videos have received more than 100 million views.
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You always learn if someone is a narcissist as soon as you disagree with them.
Yes, it's like the Narc thinks he is GOD. It really is ..
100%
They don't accept the difference of opinions. If you are against them, they see you as a rebel against them. 😮
Little do they know, that the label they "wear" is inside them.
Brilliant 🌟🌟🌟🌟🌟👏👏👏
they hate themSELF, the most but project it on me( meet my ToxicCousin+ Stooge Sibling)!!
Amen!
So true. Instead of them admitting their lose, they project their inner chaos onto you. 📽 They make you feel like a loser. 😦
I accept the projection of that inner chaos. It has become inescapable.😢😢😧😧
I think I was broken by a broken person before I knew how I could be broken. After decades of lack of self acceptance because of the messages I received I have consigned myself to unrepairable. Now it is just a waiting game and passing time.
I know it sounds bitter, but I am. Thanks for saying I'm not garbage. That can feel good.@@1windyoldbird
NOW, no one can make me feel "Less Than""!!!!
👍🏼👍🏼@@carolnahigian9518
@@carolnahigian9518 💯💯💯💯💯 carol!!!
And yet they are total losers
The narcissist is the real loser but they project the loser identity onto their empath targets of supply - hence that toxic codependency- the narcissist subconsciously doesn’t want to self reflect and realize they are the actual loser after all
Perfect description perfectly stated.
Totally agree. Also, empaths are really covert narcs in that codependent relationship.
@@joeytosi Nice projection, LOSER!
@@joeytosi "empaths" are not covert narcs. They may have picked up some narcissitic tendencies but you can't be an "empath" and a narc at the same time... they're opposites. On a last note there is no such thing as an empath... it's hyper-vigilance developed as a means of survival in an abusive environment.
We lose some we win some, it’s called life, narcissists want to defy life!
Why is it that I take on the loser shame. It is well defined in my head after decades of repetion. I am now the loser no matter what I think.
Mine is 97 and she wants to defy mortality.
Bullseye
@@rahrahrobbbieeeYou have to work out of that mindset. 🫂🌹
This 100% describes the loser I was with, absolutely spot on. He totally knew he was a loser but could never admit it. He use to come at me with “you think I’m a pos don’t you?” Each time he’d verbally attack me with that I’d be bewildered cause I never used the phrase pos to describe anyone. I realized it was what he knew himself to be. What a loser.
He gave it to himself. You weren't involved in that
@catimonster: I have had the same thing happen to me. Like you, I was taken back every time he used that same phrase. I, too, came to the realization that he was speaking about how he felt *about himself!*
I don't know if I would've come to that realization if not for Dr. C!
Interesting, my ex BF used to say the same thing, over and over. And I don't talk to people that way, so this accusation really caught me by surprise.
The only thing that matters to a narcissist is projecting an image of perfection to untainted supply. They cannot believe in their false self unless others do.
So well stated!
Thank you. I really enjoy your content doctor.
Yes, they can only believe what others believe. So, they try to set up what others believe.
They believe in their own hype.
Their projection tactics really do fade with time and become ineffectual and as irrelevant as they themselves are, there is hope!
The narcissists don't seem to realize that you don't enjoy their company. They are in a sort of delusion. The more you try to get away from them at the workplace, the more aggressive and insulting they become. It's exhausting always being followed around or monitored by them. They call me robotic because I give simple answers to their intrusive questions. I just want them to leave me alone, so I can enjoy my day!
I just encountered a covert narcissist that ironically wanted to spend time with me. They will speak about how mistreated they have been and how people took advantage of them. Then act in the same way themselves, it's a paradox they are stuck in. The best response to being mistreated is do the opposite, treat people with kindness, consideration, and courteous respect. It's quite strange someone would turn around and repeat the same negative pattern.
The narcissist and the victim can be hard to tell apart sometimes. The narcissist actually tries to turn the victim into them so the poor victim may take on some traits as a result of being abused by these narcs. It's almost like brainwashing. If the victim can get away from the narc they actually have the potential to heal. On the other hand the malignant narc is rarely able to change.
Exactly and I think this is the path that most victims of narc abuse choose. It's almost easy because you just have to do the opposite of what they're doing.
@@maxsiehierYes. I *choose* to do & be the opposite of what they do/are. I will *never* let them change me!
@@llhannah9297 I agree with you. The proper term for that would be Narcissistic fleas.
The narc I've been complaining and praying about is now sitting in jail. He threatened and assaulted me for the last time. Thank you for helping me realize I don't deserve to be treated like that! 13 years of abuse is too much.❤
@Ark-ys2up thank you friend
When we build a strong foundation, we aren't easily knocked off.
Stay strong, Team Healthy! 💜🐾
By being unable to learn from their mistakes, they ensure a self-fulfilling prophecy - losing at life.
Well stated.
That’s why they try to project shame onto others 💯
I was given some very valuable advice a few years ago. "They" can't make you "feel" anything of what they are saying, no matter what it is. It's us who have a choice to allow the feeling of hurt or inadequacy from what they said or did. We have a choice. When that was pointed out to me, it was a light bulb moment. I don't choose to own what they are dishing out. That's their opinion, not mine, and they have issues, not me.
That's exactly right. I learned this idea years ago from the book A New Earth by Eckhart Tolle that explained how "I think therefore I am" is false because the fact we know we can think means there's an underlying level of who's really in control of what we think. The ego wants to tell us all the bad. It's like you can't be hypnotized when you know it happening or don't allow it, right? You Control You, don't let anyone touch ur thermostat of anger or pain tolerance.
That's a nice thought, but a lot of us have trouble with that because the narcs in our lives were our parents, who were also parented by narcs. The indoctrination of self-hatred and self-doubt starts in infancy, ironically by people who are supposed to love us. In that case self-hatred is so deeply ingrained, internalized, more like brainwashing, so it's not so easy to get rid of it. Narcissism in professional therapy has only recently become something that's getting the attention it needs, and still only by too few therapists.
@@waywardstitch8604 do you agree that now that you have read what I and the good info that the other commenter said, that it is possible and that only you can make the decision to either accept or not accept the opinions of others?
I, too, was raised in a home with a parent that belittled me and one of my siblings is a narc. I went from the pan in to the fire by marrying a narc right out of high school to escape the parent that treated me terrible. It only got worse when I became an adult. We all have our not so great experiences. We make a choice to accept and believe others' opinion of us or we don't. I finally was able, and it has taken many years, to love myself for who I am, the way I am. I am perfectly and wonderfully made in God's eyes and for me, that's all that matters.
Do I still struggle with it once in a while? Absolutely!!
Do an experiment for yourself the next time you are put in a narc's cross hairs. Smile like you have a secret...because you do. Without emotion, thank them for their opinion and say in response, "fortunately we don't share the same view". Then just walk away. If they pursue you, turn, put your hand up to stop them, still smiling say "end of conversation, I have better things to do than to listen to you", then don't engage with them any longer. If you are able to go in to another room and close the door behind you, then do so. If you can get in your car and drive off, even better
It's very important to depersonalize their behavior. Unfortunately, the way narcissism often propagates is because narcs themselves were narcissistically abused and developed toxic defense mechanisms to cope with it.
That's great advice & I use it with anyone NEW that I meet. No prob. But...can we acknowledge that in long-term, close relationship with a covert narci, it is often not a matter of choosing freely anymore, as they have beat you down a little at a time for many years & often isolate you from truth-tellers, so that you BELIEVE what they say...& that takes away your choice, as you no longer believe you are NOT what they say?
They go absolutely ballistic while trying not to be seen as a loser and by that lose everything and everyone.
Also, they feel labeled as one as soon as something isn't 'perfect'. And they blame you for it, you try to explain to them it isn't like that and *tadaaa*, thus goes the traumabond .
That sums it up
My narcissistic husband moved out 13 days ago and I am so so so happy. Everybody keeps telling me how much happier I am!!! ❤🎉❤🎉❤🎉 Thank you Dr C. You help me so much! Hey Gus!🙏🏼🥰‼️💯💘
Good luck…stay strong!
@@sallybrady1074 thank you!🙏🏼🥰‼️
Congratulations! 🙏
@@MEL2theJ thank you! Dr C and all his listeners have helped me so much! I’m the happiest I have ever been‼️🥰🙏🏼🫶🏻
@@mollycote1021 I was married to my ex-narc for over 25 years. I couldn't believe how happy I was once I left him. Dr. Carter helped me tremendously. I also received a lot of aftercare through NARCDAILY here on TH-cam. Keep smiling Sister. I'm so happy for you!
They don't even want to be considered normal, or standard. They're far too special for that. To be considered a looser, whether it be in life or a simple discussion about any given subject. Don't do that. Don't be a part of it. It's not worth it.
😂 their inability to realize that we are all winners and we are all losers…it is truly heartbreaking but also frustrating
A narcissist's greatest fear is not being seen as a winner, as the mere suggestion of inadequacy threatens their fragile ego. The dread of the loser label propels them to extreme lengths to maintain an illusion of superiority, often at the expense of authentic connections. Behind their grandiose facade lies a profound insecurity tied to the terror of being perceived as anything less than exceptional.
Many narcissists may not want to be labeled a loser, but they do so many things that honestly make them look and act like one. Such as refusing to start from the bottom to accomplish their goals and being stuck there. Many are lazy. Many think they are more talented than they actually are, especially if you compare their work to the experts or pros who clearly took the time to study.
On the other hand, I've seen some narcissists get some success, even if it's somewhat negative and I question how they manage to get to where they are. It looks unfair, they appear to have cheated or manipulated people to get to their position. Some of these people have no talent and have no business being successful. And sometimes people are rightly jealous of them.
I generally avoid groups because I know its highly likely the group is led by a narcissist. The narcissist is always surrounded by flying monkeys too. The entire group is usually hostile to anyone who doesn't get in line with the narcissist. I stick to one good friend and that's enough for me.
So the narc's constant worry about being in the "down" position makes them constantly put others in the down position. And their constant worry about being in the down position also makes them need to constantly ask others to verify that they're NOT in the down position. But by constantly putting others in the down position and also checking with others to ask "am i ok?" makes the obvious answer, "NO. You're definitely NOT okay."
All my life my mom has needed verification from me that she's a good and wonderful person, while always being a most horrible and mean-spirited and fault-finding and non-charitable and abusive person. (I was only 4yo when I was fully aware that my mom was NOT okay. I'm now 67.) IOW mom was constantly putting her not-okayness on full display, aggressively pushing her not-okayness in my face, AND demanding that I demonstrate my own okayness by verifying her okayness. I've always been an honest person, not wired for lying, so it never went well. 🙄
My narc of 9 years could not ever be wrong. I was always the one who was wrong. He spent all those years making me think I was the weak one and yet when we parted ways, he’s the one who completely went off the deep end
The core and in my opinion the worst part of growing up in a narcissistic family system : the search for the loser, inside and outside the clan. Where was the point of it ? The result: mistrust, alienation, shame, bitterness and illness.
Growing, learning and perseverance 🌹are the fruits to help others.
they HAVE TO FIND A SCAPE GOat!when mom died 2020 brother Drama screamed at me inChurch ""carol your horrible!" ny the WAY - I CARED FOR HER SINCE AGE 3- lived with her age 70-90! i KEPT HER SAFE!!!
The projecting of the 'loser' position, by the head narcissist(s), which doesn't even exist, it's just their own unhealed (or never grew) inability to self love.
@@t_nelsyes, I agree and in all modesty we can also be proud to be survivors.
@@carolnahigian9518, your brother deserves his name.
They project the word 'loser' around when they are stuck for anything constructive to say!
I've noticed that it's one of their favourite words to call people though, which is to be expected! 🙁
When in reality they are making themselves the loser
I feel like we are all given a test in life. When you feel down and defeated, do you honestly assess yourself, find your faults and work to improve yourself, or do you cut down and abuse others to feel better about your shortcomings? We all feel that slight temptation, and if normal people do abuse others, it is from weakness, and there is genuine remorse and a desire to correct whatever harm was done. Narcissists don't care, they don't acknowledge others pain or trauma and have made a habit of abuse where they've learned to benefit from harming others. What they can't understand is they've made themselves the lowest and most pathetic losers of all because of this (even if they are very high status). The only thing that keeps them from having to accept that is their false self image they've created.
Amazing how many people believe the image even when the man may be trying to destroy our democracy
In some ways I think they want to be seen as losers - so they can then DARVO style flip that loser role from them onto someone else/onto you. It's something they cultivate in others perceptions so they can then do the uno reverse card of doom.
@jangcarangers4919: Very well stated!
They are so frustrating that when you can't take it anymore, you might lose it and then look like a loser which then reinforces them. It's really a challenge to always be calm around them.
No. Not EVERYONE feels the temptation to hurt someone else to make themselves feel better. Seriously?
Our narcissistic mother does not let any of us, her offsprings, embrace being losers Not because she wants us to be winners but because it will make her look bad as she does not want to be seen as a loser herself. She always thought of us losers, she just does not want us to know and damage her image for it. I follow the "be a loser" philosophy as I do want to care others think of me for having do what I to do. Hopefully, my younger brothers will follow suit when they "wake up" to the hellhole we been in this whole time one day.
That really explains a lot, thank you. They just have to win at all costs, whatever the consequences.
I have a covert narc friend who has never been told anything in his life that he didn’t already know. Also, never tell him something bothers you or that becomes his “go to” when he covertly assaults you when he punishes you indirectly. He never goes directly into conflict-he just gets quiet and waits it out, then gets back covertly. I told him his coughing hurt my ears so his coughing got 10x louder until I can’t be around him anymore. His explanation to other people is that I’m outrageous and he can’t understand what my problem is.
Yep, you can't share any information with them because they weaponize it against you. Almost all narcs are know-it-alls.
When they project onto you that label they fear so much, Be a Proud Loser then. It's nothing to dread.
Send them to the Philosophy of Epictetus and Henry David Thoreau and be at peace like GUS.
I only wish I hadn't internalized all of this for so long.
We can all learn a lot from GUS. ♥
@@rahrahrobbbieeeyou and me both 👍
I hate to whine but I feel so cheated. I want real relationships but my fears make it impossible. I always feel I'm protecting myself or escaping. It is no way to live yet it has become my existence. I just want relief.
🌹🌹🫂🫂@@amandaliverpool3374
😂 the designated loser and expression of DRC, i love it
I like Dr. C's presentation. I can imagine if he encountered a narc he'd have that look like "Nope, see right through all your bullsh--, buddy. Not dealing with this today or ever...."
You're on it!
I am so thankful for you, Dr. C!
Thank you
They experience feelings of being a looser, due to their shame and guilt, but to redeem themselves they act out in narcissistic ways to transfer it on to you. To transfer their shame and guilt. Their adequacy. But, again when this happens it is still not enough and they continue to hold onto their bitterness and hate against you as you can not remove it and their feelings of being inadequate.
"Loser" is the exact word my old BF used! And he was everything you have described. This is so very confirming and affirming for me as I have just broken up with him, and I needed this so much ❤ Very stuck for 10 years. Whew!
I am the most non=competitive person, and, yet, narc boss competes on all things great and small. Not One Single Thing gets a pass.
Great video. I’d like to add to the conversation if I may. According to the “bad object” theory of narcissism. It’s not the the fear of being “labeled” a loser, but being found out for the loser they know that they are. They know that they are a “bad object” or for this conversation a “loser” this is where “ the fantasy defense” comes from. They know deep down they are a bad object, so they live in a fantasy world and only interact with everyone,everything and themselves through that fantasy that is the exact opposite of that core wound in it projections and it’s extremities. Interesting thought on the whole thing I think.
You make sense.
I hope the narcissists meet someone just like them!😊
Exactly as you say. Thank you again for a nice, supporting video. That was the constant vexing puzzle to us, and it still is to me concerning our family narcissist: If you don't want to be thought of as a "loser," why in blazes do you do things that make you look like one?
Although his elder siblings and cousins followed the traditional path of education or training towards a career, full-time employment, as well as marriage and family life for most of them, our youngest brother chose to stay living with parents and working on "hobbies." That was his life and "occupation," and it was good enough for him.
At family reunions, however, folks of course visit with each other and ask each other about their lives and occupations. These questions became embarrassing for him, so he took to hiding behind a camera and avoiding conversation with extended family as much as possible. In the car on the way home he would complain to Mom about how he knew that people were talking about him and thinking he was a "loser." What else could be expected, right? Yet he still did nothing to rectify that. Sadly, in his 40's he just ramped up the manipulation and abuse towards our poor parents.
Any attempt at advising him would be met with, "I'm way ahead of you" or "I've already been there; I know all about it," etc. Many times I wished that I could bundle him off to a big mental research center somewhere and have his head examined.
Now he's in his 50's, living in a car (last I heard), with many relatives and acquaintances wanting to help and advise; but no... he knows it all and wants no help unless it's cash with no conditions attached.
Dr. C. I appreciate what you’re saying. How do you get a chance to stop and get your breath when all of these things keep coming after you faster and faster? It gets really overwhelming at times. I suppose I need to learn how to dis appear to a hiding place from these narcissists.
I think you just answered your own question. Find some "away" time.
I work with lots of narcissists people, during my first department, I was called stupid and everyone of that department ignored me and they would call names of which I am not included. And to my newest department, as I was transferred, one person that I worked with knows what I had experienced from my previous department, because they gossips about it to some of their co-workers in the company. And now, that person is trying to convince other people to make me look the stupid one as I had experienced. That person also is bullying my other co worker, where she keeps mentioning that person to our group chats and always look for the tiniest mistake. What advised you could do about this?
At work things are in routine if you’ve work there for long, my first two weeks of training, I would ask questions, and people would think that, it’s a basic question or common sense, but that’s just because they’ve routinely done it, and for me I wanna know the flow, so people made me think I am stupid in that sense. That’s how I learned they are all narcissists. Those people also, intentionally doesn’t want me to know how things work there, so I won’t know things.
And I am sad to know these type of situations are intentionally created.
I was given the advice from a boss to not ask a boss a question because it puts them on the spot. Don't ask questions. Just watch learn and make lots of mistakes. Sounds stupid but the narc work world would rather you not care than care
Now you see how they "play the game" at your expense....
Make arrangements to try and leave that work environment and go and get work elsewhere where you are valued and respected.
Leave the losers to their own devices of losing. Otherwise they will tear you apart a little at a time and your health will eventually suffer.
They are Not worth it.
Spot on. My father tried to coheres me into sharing a beer with him and I refused so he tried to convince me that beef is healthier then water. Of course I am wrong and he is right
Why is it so hard to please a narcissist 😢
One of the things that allowed me to heal, & let go of my anger & bitterness after my relationship was that my ex had ruined her own life LONG before I ever met her. I'll spare everyone the details, but at its core, it all boils down to her own selfish, self destructive, and short sighted decisions without even the slightest regard for the consequences. A few months ago, I got an update from someone who knows her, and her life 9mos. after I ghosted her is still a trainwreck, and the only major change is she's deeper in debt. Oh well, I'm just grateful that I got away without any obligations that would allow her to stay in my life. Thank You Dr. Carter, The insight from Your videos have helped me heal.
they're toddlers
Thank you Dr. Carter and Gus.....Gus always has his kind calm presence with us !!
Good morning beloved Dr. C and Team Healthy! Happy MLK Day! 🌍❤️🕊️☺️
Happy MLK to you!
As someone who's had to walk with a cane for a long time (decades), I've noticed that people I've come to know as typical narcissists like to put me down for it. They do it either by saying or implying that they think my disability is not a "real" disability (you're not in a wheelchair!), saying I just want to attract attention and that's why I use a cane or belittling me for it in different ways, including the "are you still walking with that thing" question that sounds like a dig. Several people have told me to shut up when I disagreed with things because "as a cripple" I shouldn't think I get to speak like I'm worth the same as them. I had to think about that right now because you mentioned how they see everybody as better or worse. It's something I think I noticed over the years and I think it might be related to narcissism, but I don't know if I'm right. So I wonder if any research was done on this type of thing and if maybe that if it is indeed a thing, that you could maybe do a video about this? Thank you for all your videos, Dr. C.
I totally appreciate your knowledge on the narcissistic disorder. Thank You!
So many "masks", so little time...what a life they lead! It's like a full time job just keeping track of what "face", or lie, they've told to whom. Stay Blessed, Stay Healthy!!
Yep!
Bara, you had it imposed on you and you don't think you will experience it from your own. By the time to understand how deep the wounds it blows your mind. You question yourself because the things you wanted most where subverted. It really is starting over with a new mindset.
@@t_nels Yes, a paradigm shift is part of the recovery. One moving part of many pieces. I just marvel at the barrage of lies and false selves a narc deals with. Their whole life. We (thrivers) move in knowledge, they are blind to it. Quite a dichotomy.
Sadly, and worse, there is no issue or moment too small or brief for their power-over dynamic to manifest.
If I haven’t said it directly already. Thank you for your videos. You’re awesome….. Gus too!
When I cut off contact with my narcissistic father (and entire family as result ) it was amazing how many people from outside the family who saw right through his grandiose entitled personality, I didn't have to validate myself with them ,they knew my character and the type of
person I am . Its refreshing to know that its the narcissist who has a delusional sense of self, not you, who everyone in the toxic family blamed
Adopted and hurtful sisters, turns one into a beast. Now passing pain onto willing caring husband who is now saying wtf 😬 have I got myself into
If I fully get this correctly, because I am a victim of her narcissistic abuse I am also a loser in her eyes.
If so, that short statement explains everything.
Yep!
Right on! Thanks, Dr. C and Team Healthy. I am very good at recognizing projection now. And saying no or walking away. I am passionate for phenomoninology. We ALL project. What's in our hearts matters.
Thanks Dr. C for helping me develop an awareness that is helping me to make better decisions now. Am close to your age, retired, caregiver to and co-habitate with elderly narcissistic mother and am seeing the very same behavior that used to traumatize me as a child and realizing that I am still at least slightly impacted but able to care for myself now and make empowered choices. I now realize that my career and love life choices were very much impacted and that I would choose narcissistic lovers and bosses, perhaps because they were familiar or because I didn't realize I deserved any better. Recently made really good job choice, skipping narcissistic boss and going with people who seem rather nice; Today I know I deserve nice.
I think they target people pleasers until we learn to set proper healthy boundaries, which is a challenge that goes against our nature and but eventually becomes a necessary evil for self preservation.
Absolutely true. Am learning to love boundaries now.@@THRASHMETALFUNRIFFS
Yes you deserve nice!
@SurvivingNarcissism Damn Skippy I deserve nice and thanks for helping me to realize it.
Very true! @@THRASHMETALFUNRIFFS
It's unbearable sometimes
I cannot possibly explain how helpful you have been to me and my daughter the past few years as we watch my soon to be ex husband implode causing us to lose almost everything. I see it for what it is, but seeing what it has done to our child is heartbreaking. Especially since he packed up and left us holding the bag of mess he created.
Mine did that to us 10 years ago this coming May. What a journey you have ahead of you! I hope you can get financial, legal, and emotional support!
Stay warm! I hear it's a little chilly in TX today. Where's Gus' parka?
I't's 17F here in Tx. Gus has a nice jacket when he has to go out...although he's motivated to be quick!
I love what you said about significance through character, not accolades or achievements. That hit a home run with me!
Let's lean into that!!
BINGO: "SIGNIFICANCE COMES FROM CHARACTER". . .
.
Master class on NPD. So succinct and on point!❤
Thank you, Dr. Carter, for what you share. I always learn so much about what was happening in my family.
The annoying narcissist neighbor moved out recently. I caught him out so many times with his lies, poor behavior and all the host of typical narcissist acts. His rage was recorded. His threats of violence reported to the police. I was on the phone to a friend and talking loud enough to know he could he could hear me. After talking about a loser and referring to no one in particular, but I guess my neighbor thought it was him, I found my doormat had been stolen during the night. He was so childish that his only recourse to gain back his control was to steal a door mat. 😂. Your talks have been very helpful and given me confidence. I've fallen back on the skills learned studying anthropology ans come to many conclusions which have been backed up with your talks. This has been so reassuring that I am not an idiot. I have valid insights. Being put down when I voice new opinions wasn't because I was dumb, it was because people wanted control. My mother is now my next issue to deal with but I've cut contact with her.
Thank you so much dr Carter❤ I am going to live with self- love and peace, dignity and civility. God bless you❤
Dr. Carter I had to learn how important it is for us to not offer our opinions most of the time whenever there is an imbalance of power present. I started to realize that when in a classroom long ago. I cannot remember the name of that course since it was so long ago. The question being discussed went something like this - What is the most common characteristic of losers? Instead of offering an opinion to further define what the word loser meant in that context I said, "This journey called life involves loss for all of us from time to time sooner or later; When making any decision we must decide what we are willing to sacrifice or give up as the path we are not going to take" The person leading that class at the time way back then misunderstood the personal to me psychological significance of that opinion of mine when then launching into instruction for me on how I could become a more positive person according to her definition of the same. I didn't argue. I hold no grudge about the same. That was only just the Zeitgeist of that decade which everyone had to cope with at the time while often feeling like none of us could be guaranteed to be seen innocent until proven guilty when it comes to that label called loser.
Thanks as always Dr. C.
I'm seeing a health counsellor and in between you are my 'top up' reinforcement.
I'm doing well, thanks very much to you.
So pleased, Elinor.
Accepting/understanding nuance, aka giving grace--yes!
This is sooooooooooo SAAAAD….. I believe a demonic spirit has to do with this narcissist behavior. This is just horrible horrible.
From JANESVILLE, WISCONSIN USA
Great video describing the sad, pathetic, weak narcissist. Hi to Gus!
Thanks, Judy...and Gus thanks you too!
Amazing and informative video as usual ! Much gratitude 🙏💫😇🫶🏼
Sometimes narcissists call others narcissists too, particularly people they don't know at all. That's when you've caught on them. They just lack understanding of others. And narcissists tend to dislike other narcissists but also people they envy. Most normal people could care less about gossiping about a narcissist or other person. It's in a way hypocritical...
I don't like the term 'loser'. I find it very cruel and victim blaming. Sometimes people just have bad luck.
Dignity Respect Civility = Dr C.........
Did anybody else clock on 😊
You get it!
I have far more education than him; which, even from the start, I've never lauded over him or made fun of him for requiring an extra year to graduate from high school. Yet, whenever I'd offer an opinion on something, especially in my field of study, ( which was not His opinion) he'd say " I hate when you think you know it all!! I hate how you question everything I say!!! " ( Which I do not)
I used to try and calm him down, fawn over his opinion ( which wasn't right, from a facts perspective) and smooth things over. In response to his statements of " I hate when you _______!" feeling hurt, I'd ask " Is there ANYTHING you like about me?". This video clarifies So much as to why he'd say/think the way he does. Now, on the infrequent times we spend time together, if he makes those same statements, I just look at him, tilt my head as if I'm pondering the statement he's just made, and subtly shrug my shoulders and end the conversation.
❤Thank you Dr. C and team healthy!😊
Thank you Dr. C., many Blessings
Thank you again Dr. C 🙏
Thanks Dr C😊
That was awesome. Great topic and very illuminating...
Yep, THIS IS AWFUL 🧐💯😇
Is there such a thing as a loser since each person claims not to be one, and each person claims the other person is the loser?
God bless you and Gus
Happy New Year to Gus and Dr. C.!!
Same to you!
Thanks for the video. That really helps..
Glad it helped!
What a very nice explanation of breaking things down.
Glad it was helpful!
My Dad called it the theory of 21. There are 21’s in this world and 20’s. 20’s try to pull 21’s down because they have low self esteem so they put other people down.
But what do I do when the narcissist is badmouthing and lying about me to our condo board (i resigned from the condo board because of this person 1.5 years ago)? It traumatized me this week to know that they have been doing this after 1.5 years. I set the record straight but I cannot deal with this without a lot of anxiety and frankly, fear.
I once had anxiety/fear so severe it felt like the roof of my home was constantly crashing down on me. It wasn't, but I couldn't convince my nervous system to stop feeling that way, pumping out intense adrenaline non-stop for decades. It was making me a neurotic mess, which made something simple, like getting a drink of water, a tortuous chore. Agoraphobia, claustrophobia, acrophobia, gephyrophobia, phonophobia, all set in and got worse and worse. The acrophobia (fear of heights) was so bad I couldn't even stand on a chair without getting dangerously dizzy, risking a fall.
Then I started just sitting with the anxiety, examining why I felt so unsafe, even when nothing dangerous was actually happening to me. I found the source of it, i.e., what others were saying about me, and thinking about me. This was confusing because I remembered when it didn't bother me when others had unflattering opinions about me. I counted those memories as helpful because I had the concrete previous experience of feeling content within myself, like a handle I could grab onto again, something I knew was a real possibility.
If your physical safety is in jeopardy you need to try to calm down the anxiety/fear enough to make the right moves to put yourself in a safer situation. If the fear/anxiety are only feelings with no real danger, you'll need to delve within to examine your relationship with yourself. But either way you'll still need to look within for the source. For me I realized that I had gradually lost the ability to trust in my own truths, lost the ability to advocate for myself, lost the ability to care about myself as a priority, and lost the ability to say a simple "no" without fear of repercussions.
I also realized that I had been emotionally self-abusing and self-hating at every opportunity, compulsively, like a drug addict. Digging even deeper I found that fear of my own negative thoughts about myself was the REAL source of the anxiety. I started practicing self-compassion as much as possible. Reading books by the Buddhist nun Pema Chodron helped a lot with self-compassion. (If interested, The Places That Scare You, Start Where You Are and When Things Fall Apart are particularly good.)
I also examined my companions and realized they were toxic, liars, manipulators and reinforcing all my negative assessments of myself. I used to be surrounded with lovely people! So I started seeking out better companions who would consistently treat me with kindness and respect.
I'm better now but in truth it was a long and difficult journey, 2 steps forward and 1 step back. But I persevered and gradually got better. Your own healing journey will likely look different than mine, because of course we're not the same. But I hope something I've written here will help you also find your own way out of your pain.
Best wishes! 💞
Keep watching these videos, even try a search with a key word or phrase that matches what you are feeling. I really, really recommend getting paired up with a counsellor.
You sound just like I was three years ago. Completely bewildered by what had and was happening. I'd never come across these kind of people before! I came to the realization that a covert had been jerking my chain for 7, yes, seven years, and there were at least two others of slightly different stripe right along there with him. I had thought he was my friend, I felt deeply betrayed.
I sought out a counselor through a service provided by my volunteer organization and she helped me immensely! Helped me see that the only thing I can control is ME, and that by the standards of proper behaviour, I WAS on the right path.
Dr Carter and Dr Ramini are my 'top up' counselors in between sessions.
I have arrived at the point now that I am secure in my worth and who I am, still working on how to 'buffer' myself when having to be in the presence of these troubled people.
Good Luck, you CAN get through this!!!
When I hear a critical voice in my head, I tell myself, "You're safe now!" It helps so much. My father introduced me to my sister's Nobel prize professor at her graduation, as, "This is the unsuccessful one." I'm glad God has different values!
Oops! This is from Laurie. ♥️
We like the grape toned cardigan. 🍇 Great color on ya and warm during winter cold snaps.
Could easily give an example featuring a very grandiose narcissistic guy we know..this may simply be redundant in theme and outcome in terms of narcissism.
Will say nothing seems ever to change in how this individual operates. Really, it's kinda tragic bcuz he keeps changing partners believing its the other's oronlem when ot is he who is the common denominator. For this ,the love he wants and needs remains elusive.
Good morning Dr.C and Team Healthy. Something I'm trying to figure out: what if someone challenge/crosses a boundary in a healthy way, and you realize something or see something new about yourself. And you like it...
Can that not be a good thing...?
Siri
Yes it can. Unhealthy people try to set boundaries too, and if it seems too stifling or unrealistic to you, it can be healthy to counter it by going your own way.
@@SurvivingNarcissism hmm. Interesting...I'm trying to explore some more. Happy Monday.
Thank you🎀
Siri
Condescending mind, wow. Book. Dr. 100 pg❤
Dr. Carter, how do I deal with the loneliness
I have auntie, my father Sister, until the last day before no contact day, she would say I got their or your dossier.
Glad you see it, Fred!
Trump sums it up. When he loses at golf, he reportedly says " yes, but I am richer than you and I am married to a supermodel. " classic!
It's so juvenile.
They also don’t like us being a “loser” I have pluses and I have minuses, one minus is I’m not just uneducated I also struggle with spelling and basic math. Oh man if I acknowledge this
“I can’t believe I struggled to add those numbers! Ha ha ha” They get so upset saying
“Why would you call yourself dumb? Why would you draw attention to that?!”
I’m as charming as I’m plenty attractive life’s not hard but god forbid I say
“I’m 160 lbs so if I show up as 168 I know it’s all these Stromboli I love”
Why insult yourself like that?
Uh..? I do weigh 160 😆