Estrangement can be complicated. I was a fixer, designated support source for my older GC sibling, and sometime scapegoat in my family of origin. Am now living geographically closer to family after recovering from a toxic marriage, and am finding that because I do not fit into expectations anymore, estrangement is required unless I want to get in my time machine and go back to abandoning myself the way I used to and worked so hard to unlearn. The estrangement is sad, and it is also very clear the lack of love, rigid roles, and fragile structure. Turning my back on them, and grieving. Dreading the upcoming holidays.
Ive been thru this many holidays sometimes even whileuvibg in my car, it does become easier... not easy just easier. In the first few years i really had to do the mental projection n id say to myself if something is worth working out there are 360 plus other days to do so. You have to focus on the long game. Is a few days of sadness n longing worth a year of regret. I would envision myself a day or so after the holiday is over and ask "Am I really going to feel worse about not seeing family?" (for those who even have the choice of course) The answer was always no. Dont let sadness about the situation be the reason you reach out again etc. That said i think its vitally important and fair to have given people every opportunity to self correct n be clear about why you've made the decision to estrange. Then you you have no regrets. You will still have sadness n rumination but at least it wont be about something you did. Sure you dont want to waste too much emotional energy but id rather give more opportunity than they deserve than less especially if their are others involved such as nieces n nephew's. I think we owe it to them even if their own parents n grandparents arent healthy n emotionally mature enough to do so. And even if they'll never know.
The only regret I have is that I didn't estrange myself years ago. I feel that I wasted too much of my precious life energy.
Thank you for this. Ive bought myself some books, as Christmas présents, on sibling estrangement to read when things get hard over Christmastime.
Estrangement can be complicated. I was a fixer, designated support source for my older GC sibling, and sometime scapegoat in my family of origin. Am now living geographically closer to family after recovering from a toxic marriage, and am finding that because I do not fit into expectations anymore, estrangement is required unless I want to get in my time machine and go back to abandoning myself the way I used to and worked so hard to unlearn. The estrangement is sad, and it is also very clear the lack of love, rigid roles, and fragile structure. Turning my back on them, and grieving. Dreading the upcoming holidays.
I'm in deep grieving too bro - twinning!
I am not alone!??! Thanks guys!
Yay! I'm in the KNOW
Ive been thru this many holidays sometimes even whileuvibg in my car, it does become easier... not easy just easier. In the first few years i really had to do the mental projection n id say to myself if something is worth working out there are 360 plus other days to do so. You have to focus on the long game. Is a few days of sadness n longing worth a year of regret. I would envision myself a day or so after the holiday is over and ask "Am I really going to feel worse about not seeing family?" (for those who even have the choice of course) The answer was always no. Dont let sadness about the situation be the reason you reach out again etc. That said i think its vitally important and fair to have given people every opportunity to self correct n be clear about why you've made the decision to estrange. Then you you have no regrets. You will still have sadness n rumination but at least it wont be about something you did. Sure you dont want to waste too much emotional energy but id rather give more opportunity than they deserve than less especially if their are others involved such as nieces n nephew's. I think we owe it to them even if their own parents n grandparents arent healthy n emotionally mature enough to do so. And even if they'll never know.
Thanks