I’m so interested to hear your perspective on Danielle’s behaviour in some of the later episodes. It’s difficult to work out because it’s so heavily edited, and a lot of things happen off camera, but I get the impression that Danielle has some extremely deep insecurities which are playing out.
Sometimes in reacting to these reality shows Dr. Honda points out that he feels voyeuristic in watching people go through these intense emotions on TV. I feel that way with Danielle. Nick is not perfect but Danielle's low self-esteem seems SO debilitating that if they end up breaking up I fear real damage to her. It feels like we might learn a lot from when Dr. Honda sees how Danielle and her mother interact.
Yes, I feel like she really needs therapy in order to stop overreacting. Nick seems very patient with her but so many instances in such a short period would cause me to put the brakes on.
@@ksref She has made a few posts on instagram about her experience and portrayal in the show and in one of them, she says that she has been in therapy for years. I was so happy to hear that, I wish her nothing but the best 💛
When I was 14 years old, my mom told me that I looked “wide” in my comfy, slouchy track pants. We were out in public, which seemed to make it even worse. It was a horrible thing to hear, especially as I had been grappling with an eating disorder around that time. Edit: 25 years later, I still remember where we were and what I was wearing when it happened. This stuff lingers on.
I'm sorry that happened to you :( and also yes you're totally right, the fact that it was in public, I completely understand why that'd feel worse for anyone, especially someone struggling w body image. Glad u got through it and ur hear today but that stuff does stick with you for sure.
When I was 16-17 my mom wrote her ex bf (who she remained friends with) a letter apologizing to him for not giving him the heads up before he saw me because of how much weight I had gained since he had seen me last. I saw the letter in her room & I will never forget it. It hurt me so bad. Her ex bf was a huge guy himself, so that just really didn’t make sense to me. That’s just one of the many things I remember like it was yesterday. I’m almost 37 now.
I love how Dr Kirk will impressively spell out with accurate precision these amazing insights and then trail off saying "but yeah well what do i know". Makes me chuckle every time
This couple seems to me to talk past each other, rather than to one another. Both seem to have anxieties and feelings of rejection that they project onto the other. So many of their arguments could be avoided if they just slowed down and genuinely inquired into each other’s thought process imo.
"they talk past each other" Yes! That's it! I was trying to figure out how to explain it, and that's it! So curious to hear the Doc's take on them later.
Yes! They seem to not actually explore and talk about where they were coming from after an argument, so they get right back into the same argument days later, still misunderstanding each other.
I do love wearing masks. They keep my face warm on windy days, I haven't had a cold in years, I don't have to smile when I'm not in the mood to, and there's just another cozy layer between my self and the world and I love it.
Same! Where I live they're debating to lift the mask mandate. I say go right ahead but I'm keeping my mask on! For all your reasons, too and obviously covid.
1:20 Body image hangups 4:30 Over analyzing, preoccupied attachment, kids guilt about divorce 7:45 The impact of divorce and not witnessing successful marriages 9:10 Not getting enough attunement as a child and insecure attachment styles 12:22 Authenticity about pain, self awareness, using your empathy in preoccupied attachments to enhance the relationship 15:20 Not having distractions and vulnerability 17:40 Hypervigilance around other people's emotions, preoccupied attachment, empathy 19:26 Preoccupied attachment and love bombing 21:31 Preoccupied attachment and inapprpriate boundaries, enmeshment 26:10 Preoccupied attachment and amped up feelings 27:35 Schema of being unlovable 30:00 Schema of not trysting people, self awareness, corrective experiences
I loved her initially but then her insecurities began to drown out everything else. Nick's feelings are often not taken into account because her insecurity must be catered to. That's tough. He's working hard on bringing her past that point.
I've watched videos on attachment styles before and couldn't really identify with one in particular, but somehow watching you break down Danielle's anxious attachment style finally made things click for me. Pretty sure that's my attachment style, too. I'm pretty self-aware of a lot of my behaviors, but I've always felt a deep shame and sense of unworthiness. I guess it's because I was taught (maybe indirectly) that love is conditional.
I think her own mother is a huge reason why she is struggling so much. My family is a huge reason I have always been very insecure due to being a bit over weight as a kid/teen etc. They made it worse. I’m morbidly obese now, but had lost 120 lbs a few years ago. Unfortunately, getting down to my lowest weight since high school was even tougher on mentally. People treated me differently, which was nice but also eye opening.
Absolutely. Both my parents are the main reason I’m so deeply insecure. I remember hitting puberty and growing a little pot belly and my mom poking it and saying it’s disgusting. Her #1 name calling go-to would be: you’re a fat pig. She’d have my brother join her and they’d both call me names together.
I felt that way after losing weight also. It was eery to be suddenly having such a different experience in the world. Made me second guess everything, especially new friendships or relationships.
@@thisanonymous5956 I’m sorry 😞 people suck & it’s even worse when they are your own family. I also wanted to add that my dad was even worse than my mom. He only wanted to see me as a kid when he was showing off to his new girlfriend. I went to visit him when I was a teenager to help him at his insurance business. After helping him the first day, we got home & he wanted me to workout because he hated that I was fat. Well I didn’t get on the treadmill as soon as we got to his house, so he went off on me. He drove me to the next town over & stopped in a parking lot where he called a taxi to pick me up & drive me back to my mom’s 2+ hrs away. He literally paid $100+ to a random guy to take his teenage daughter back to her mom’s. Luckily the guy was so nice. He had a baby girl on the way, so I told him to never let her question his love for her & to always be there for her no matter what.
I agree, you can see the dynamic in the later episodes, both when Nick is meeting the family and later when Danielle is choosing her wedding dress. The mom appears SO controlling, she keeps repeating how Danielle is insecure, how she might “react”, how all her previous relationships have gone wrong, and all these bad things… She flat out tells her that the first dress she chose and tried on “is not for her”. Funny enough, that’s one she ended up wearing, and it looked great. I can’t put my finger on what is it about the mom, but it makes me really uncomfortable and I think would make anyone flip.
Wow this was mind blowing! This was exactly in a nutshell what I have been experiencing most of my 26 years here on earth. He breaks it down so effortlessly where I couldn’t help but, nod constantly. I could relate to everything he mentioned. It feels good to know that I’m not the only one coping with that anxious attachment style. I am very self-aware and I love my vulnerability. I see it as a strength where in a world it is perceived as a weakness. From one empath to another love you all!
Your explanation of preoccupied attachment and how it happens made me tear up. It gave me a lightbulb moment about my childhood and how it has affected me. Thank you for that.
I feel so sad for Danielle. In almost every episode, you see her struggling with her insecurities. It seemed like she generally made an effort to explain how she was feeling and why she was feeling that way. A lot of times, even communicating that she knew her perception wasn't true. But I noticed Nick would always get super defensive right away - even in moments where Danielle seemed pretty differentiated when explaining her feelings. I get that he felt attacked, but it didn't seem like there was an effort to sympathize, listen, or communicate. In the end, it seems like both Danielle and Nick are placing the majority of the blame on her. I'm not sure how the show is going to end, but I hope she's okay!
Yeah I'm on board with your perspective , he even seems to be holding back potentially, I wonder if it's due to image management ( awareness of the cameras watching ). The way he got so upset about his sister mentioning that he showered twice a day felt like he suppressed the nature of his feelings , along with the situations with Danielle, like he is holding back the nature of how much so he really is annoyed or upset It's unfortunate , but I feel like if he stayed differentiated he could have easily soothed her in many situations , but then again she could have done the same for him , conversation around emotions are tuff !
@@thinlion01 yeah but if she brings up an issue it's best to address it then move on to him or vise versa , both at the same time is a recipe for disaster... I understand this and still do it in my relationship.. Functional conversations around emotions are hard !!!
This really resonated with me and moved me to tears. I’m so happy you are creating this content. It’s so important. Seeing these *potential* examples and having you unpack this all can change lives. Thank you and keep up the good work 🙏🏼
I used to have preoccupied attachment and somehow along the way it's become more of an avoidant attachment. I still very much feel similar on the inside, but i guess i've taught myself it's better to avoid, disappear, and run away rather than run towards. It's much less scary and there's much less opportunity to be rejected. At least this way i can trick myself into believing it's my choice.
Thank you so much for this episode! I learn so much from these videos and they’ve helped me tremendously. I’m a Patreon only to show you some kind of gratitude for all the free content you put on TH-cam ❤️
@@kristinrodier2217 “they fight about fighting” - seemed like that to me too. Based on my knowledge of attachment theory, I would think that both of them have attachment insecurity.. she would be more anxious preoccupied and he would be more secure anxious preoccupied..but then I’m curious as to why he appears to me to be also weirdly avoidant (can’t put my finger on it tho, maybe he also has fearful avoidant/ disorganized tendencies..?)
In my opinion, this couple in particular, both parties really want a relationship but neither of them are really ready for one. She is way too insecure and needs to do some personal work and healing, and he gets really upset and takes everything as an attack when sometimes she really is just expressing how she feels! (Which yes it’s good she knows what she’s feeling and expresses it but those feelings are overwhelming her and affecting her to not trust him, and he in turn gets really upset and loses patience when she does this)
They mentioned I believe in the reunion episode (or maybe this detail was in an interview?) that they do go to therapy and that was actually one of the things they learned and realized (that sometimes she needed to just express how she felt and have him hear and understand that rather than try to fix it). And I DO feel this SO much - sometimes I just want to express how I feel and not necessarily have it be solved.
I remember watching them the first time and having a vivid memory of a college speech class discussing communication styles. While they don't necessarily apply to men and women respectively, "masculine" style hears a complaint or strong emotion of some sort and seeks to identify the issue and fix it, whereas "feminine" speakers are essentially seeking to vent and often neither want nor need a solution, they just need to be able to express how they're feeling. Time and time again I would see Danielle trying to "vent" and just tell him how she felt, knowing full well it was irrational and not expecting him to fix anything, while he heard someone crying out for help and looking for a way to fix it only to get frustrated because there was no fix...often because the "problem" itself was her own anxieties/insecurities causing her to come to assumptions that he knew were wrong about him, but that she internally just felt to be true. There's no way to change someone's gut feeling fueled by their own traumas except time and proving them wrong, but to Nick who wanted to identify the issue and fix it, in his mind it seemed like he should just be able to say "Hey, I know you feel that way but that wasn't actually what I was doing/thinking/saying so it's not really an issue. And if there's no issue to fix, why are you still upset and can't we just move on?" Heartbreaking to watch bc neither meant the other harm, but to borrow an adage it's a chicken and duck trying to talk to each other and just getting nowhere.
Throughout this season you will really see just how much Danielle’s insecurities really takes a toll on their relationship. I think Nick tries really hard to support her and comfort her but they can never get on the same page of understanding. And it’s sad to see her insecurities are self-sabotaging the relationship
Honestly, I don't think Nick was being very understanding. As soon as she says that something made her upset he immediately goes on defense mode and tries to prove her wrong. Idk if she has experienced gaslighting in her past, but for someone who has, the immediate defensive reaction and trying to prove the other person's feelings are invalid can trigger memories and responses from gaslighting experiences in their past, even if that isn't what the current partner is doing. Growing up with a narcissistic step dad this continues to be something I struggle with. My step dad constantly told me I was "faking" things and that mental illness was made up and that the feelings I had were "all in my head" or I was being dramatic or whatever other excuse he could find to invalidate me. So now, when I open up to someone and they get defensive and try to play down my emotions or invalidate them completely, it's very triggering for me because I feel the need to prove myself and really dig in deep to what they are saying and analyze it to the point an argument breaks out. Honestly, I empathize with Danielle. As much as Nick says he is supportive and will always be there and will always understand, he really doesn't give himself time to put himself in her shoes and validate the way she is feeling and admit that something he did upset her, or even vice versa...there have been times where she points out that he was a little upset with her and she owns WHY he had a reason to be upset with her, and then he immediately tells her that she was wrong....as if he hadn't already admitted in the moment that he was upset. She seems to just bring up interesting, honest points, and he often turns it into an argument that she feels compelled to argue back. Just my thoughts though. Could be wrong. Total speculation.
Nick looked like his whole life flashed before his eyes at the altar. Several times he had those calculating eyes when she spoke and it seemed like he figured he shouldn't be venturing into it but surprisingly he did. I was pretty sure until the end he was gonna say no but somehow he accepted the challenge and set out to prove his mom wrong. I think other than insecurity Danielle also had a lot of me me myself going on. She seemed to be overly concerned with how she looked, how she felt, how she would feel..whilst ignoring the feelings of the other person in the equation.
@@wheathusk2499 Omg i expected him to say no too! Even before seeing his expressions, I thought this bc they're incompatible and all they do is fight. Danielle needs a lot of therapy to work on her issues. I think it's the pressure of the show and how their friends and family showed up to their wedding that made him say yes. Marriage is so serious though! They could've said no and still dated after (like Natalie and Shayne did and they decided it didn't work out). It's much better to keep dating until you're 100% sure.
This video has helped me so much to give a definition and diagnosis of how I have felt and what I have done in my relationships since I was a child- always empathetic and in tune with other emotions, fear of abandonment/rejections in past relationships and I have always crossed boundaries with people easily. These are things I have always struggled with and this has been so enlightening to watch, thank you!
As a child I was constantly called ugly/humiliated by kids at school and by my mother. Thank you for this video and your advice as this is a constant struggle for me.
I live with that schema and it's very difficult. I am grateful for your channel I have not had any success in finding a therapist and your channel is really the only source of help I have for understanding these things
Noticing I probably have preoccupied attachment, and that seeing Dr Honda have such a benign smile when these two are having happy moments makes me feel happy and a ton of relief! It's almost like I feel physically lighter seeing a smile that doesn't have contempt behind it. I'm also very glad to hear strong emotional attunement talked about without the term empath thrown around like a badge of honor.
Woah. I never knew that being attuned to the emotions of others is a characteristic of preoccupied attachment…wow. I’ve always referred to myself as an empath, but I guess that trait is just a product of my attachment style. That’s depressing, but it explains a lot.
Pretty much what I just came here to say 😅 explains so much. I will say though I came to a healthier place a lot faster than Danielle... Maybe because I got away from my parents 😅 Danielle needs to get away from her mom! Put some distance between them.
Actually not always. There is a personality trait known as sensory processing sensitivity that makes people more sensitive and more attuned in general. So a lot of times people with this trait consider themselves empaths when really they're just sensitive so that means they pick up on little things that the average person doesn't. Just saying that could be your issue ( I am also a hsp) and not necessarily preoccupied attachment. Personally I have identified myself to have fearful preoccupied attachment also known as anxious avoidant so that can exist even as a highly sensitive person.
It's amazing how the change of lifestyle with covid has helped me feel more acceptable in my body and skin. So much of my anxiety is connected to feeling like others are looking at me and judging me. So there was a pressure to present myself in a certain way. Some people might say the last 2 years I let my self go but in reality I am just more comfortable with myself. It's still a struggle but I'm so much happier prioritizing myself over what other people think.
14:40 so true! I am a preoccupied attachment individual and this holds so true! I will toot my own horn that friends over time have often noticed my observant nature, insightfulness, and ability to more frequently accurately predict people's inner moods / motivations for behavior / future actions that come from wanting and being really attuned to your close friends and loved ones. I can't (or maybe won't) turn it off, it's how I have always walked through the world. I have always loved this ability to intimately connect with and understand my friends and family (and honestly as you said, game the system to get better outcomes for everyone's needs in the relationship getting met). While counselors have emphasized with me that not everyone defaults to thinking the way I do and not everyone is capable of being emotionally attuned or insightful back (what a soul crushing disappointment 😭), no professional has ever outright connected this strength of mine to my pesky attachment style. Usually preoccupied attachment comes from and causes a lot of pain and that's the main focus to reduce that suffering... which can pile on to the feeling of wow, there is really something wrong with me. It is nice to hear you, a professional, say that something good and pleasant actually came out of this style of being. 😊 Made my day.
I just want to thank you for doing this video. You have no idea how much it resonated with me and helped me. I watched this video out of curiosity of what you thought about these cast members, but I ended up relating to many of your descriptions of people with preoccupied attachment. My case might not be to the extent of hers but there are definitely a lot of similarities. I even took down notes especially about how you guide your clients and the pillars to change. I am near the end of my journey (or at least halfway there). So thank you for this. I really appreciate your work!
From this clip it appears she has a lot of insecurity and anxiety, she needs a good dose of therapy and not rely on a partner to provide ALL the support. He seems like he would be a good support for her but constantly reassuring her would be tiring.
I agree. She’s obviously done a lot of work, but it doesn’t seem like she’s ready to be in a relationship - I could definitely be wrong, but having your partner’s insecurities take up a big part of your time and energy would be very taxing, IMO.
Wow Dr. Thank you so much for this video. I’ve been watching your content for 2 years now, I’ve learned so much about myself with this video! You talked about preoccupied attachment and for the first time today, I feel like I fit in the description, at least 50-70%
I think Nick has empathy and he obviously had a hard childhood but I wish that he was more aware of himself. Danielle is very aware of herself but super traumatized, it really takes a lot of work and in the US money to really heal that. Before I started healing I never talked about my childhood or things that happened to me up till about 25. Now at 32 and trying to heal, I talk about every feeling that comes up for me and any bit of my history that may be related. It may take me a while and I am sure I sound like a broken record of trauma to my closest friends but yeah, sometimes when you see someone acting like Danielle they are in an active healing process and bring up any feeling they may have about a situation and it may seem bizarre that they are worried about this or that but they are just trying to process that feeling and trying to heal from whatever hurt them in the past. Healing is not linear.
I identify myself with Danielle, I used to sabotage my relationships with a lot of bickering over tiny things. I hope to see your update about the last episodes especially this couple..
Thank you for talking about vulnerability and the way the show is set up. Seems that the vulnerability can come from being alone and somewhat talking to yourself. It is so much harder to have the same conversation looking in somebody's eyes, the risk of somebody actually seeing you when you might be scared of anyone really seeing you!! Makes me wonder about the role this plays in long distance relationships. Could that be a factor that we do not get to see on 90 days fiance?
Thank you Dr Honda for sharing! As I was watching, I started realizing that I might have preoccupied attachment. When Danielle shared that she cried when she was happy or sad, you shared that some children with preoccupied attachment unconsciously make their emotions bigger so they can get their needs met. I cried a lot as a child and was labeled “overly sensitive.” I always thought that this was due to my inherent sensitive nature, but maybe it was due to my emotional needs not being met as a child. 🤔
As someone who probably has pre occupied attachment, it’s kinda crazy to think if I didn’t recognise this, 10 years later Danielle could be me. Which is so much harder to unlearn at 30 than at 20. My heart goes out for her in that aspect. Cause trust me, even when we hurt others we’re hurting so much more inside…
I cannot wait for Dr. Honda to get to the episodes with Danielle's mom!!! She made me so uncomfortable, and I have a theory that she's responsible for a lot of Danielle's insecurity. I can't wait to hear what a qualified professional has to say.
I sincerely appreciate your discussion about kids and their perception about parents, especially in the case of divorce. You unlocked memories I forgot I had 🥺 and you’re absolutely right on your take. Thank you Dr. Honda 🙏🏼 I know you say NOT to use this mess videos as therapy but you are sincerely healing my heart and teaching me SO much
Danielle and I are SO similar, it's scary and really enlightening. Growing up with minimal good examples of relationships, being formerly heavy and still maintains that "I'm fat and no one will love me" ideology, being very emotional, getting more afraid the more into a relationship I am, being painfully and self-depracatingly self-aware.... It's so good to see this from an outside perspective & with feedback from a professional. Being in similar situations in the past, I would be skeptical of someone who is being so attentive and loving. And I can't say that I've changed. I still feel all this. It makes me want to cry for myself while I'm crying with her about herself!
I really enjoyed this, especially your commentary on Danielle's fat-shaming experience and in general about public shame. Particularly, the story you shared about your friend perfectly describes my own delimma, as I have crippling social anxiety and found a lot of comfort in my face being covered when i talk to people or have to present for school, so naturally I dread the day mandate will no longer be in effect 😔😪
It's difficult to try and believe i'm acceptable the way i am since, like most of us, i want to be acceptable _within the society_ . And it's the society that tells me i look wrong. :/
I really resonate with Danielle, even in the later episodes where she starts to spiral. She's always aware of what she's doing(for better or worse) and she's often verbalizing what she's doing, which isn't usually common for people that are having a mental/emotional breakdown. It takes a special kind of person to see past that and work with you while you come back up for air. Sometimes when we spiral we say really dumb things, things that most people say in their heads and not out loud. And I feel for her with that. It's tough.
I identified with Danielle in the beginning and then she started putting words in nicks mouth and cause fights and that really made me mad . As Nick is such a gossip lol
At 17:47 when you described how preoccupied attachment people use how people feel to get their needs met, I felt really seen. I always felt guilty for being that way, like as if I’m manipulating them but the way you said it, it makes me feel more validated and less villian-ish
Honestly, I hate the way I had to grow up, I have a lot of trauma from it, but one of the things I'm glad I came away with is my sensitivity towards other people's emotions and being able to read people. It has come back to bite me because I can come off very judgy at times, and it's also hard for me to relate to a lot of people because a lot of people just seem really fake to me. BUT it has kept me safe and the connections I do make are incredibly strong. Growing up my mom and dad divorced when I was 4 and then about a year later my mom started dating my step dad. He has never gotten an official diagnosis but I would say he is a narcissist and he is abusive. My dad wasn't really around, he moved to another state for work and I only saw him every 3 months or so....and then I learned that he came back into town about every weekend but spent that time going to poker tournaments or hanging out with his friends instead of seeing me, and that really hurt. I feel like that contributed a lot to my attachment issues because I was such a daddy's girl, always hyped him up and told everyone what a great guy he was, but he couldn't even be bothered to see me when he had the chance. But also, with my step dad being the way he is and all the abuse he put me through, that played a big role in me being able to read people. I had to instinctively learn how to read people to know if what I was about to say would cause an argument, are they in a good mood or bad mood, what are the things they aren't saying out loud but I can tell through their body language, is this person about to snap, who acts as a good buffer to keep things civilized, etc... I'm a very empathetic person and I really feed off of people's emotions because it says so much more about them. On the flip side, I also over analyze a lot and read too far into things that really aren't that deep. Someone can say something to me and it will trigger a memory of my step dad doing something similar, and it's hard for me to differentiate what they meant from the way my step dad meant it or his motivations for doing things. Sometimes I think people intentionally set out to hurt me, when really it was something small, they didn't mean it, but because my step dad would have meant it in a malicious way, I assume they did as well. It's hard for me to keep in mind that people aren't as vindictive or cruel as he is, and that these methods of reading people and the deeper meaning behind things are a coping mechanism from childhood and that I'm not in that environment anymore and theoretically shouldn't need to be ready for the other shoe to drop every moment of every day.
A few years ago I was struggling with eating (I've never been diagnosed with an eating disorder but that's most likely the case). I think I was around 18 or 19 and I had been skipping meals for three days straight and I managed to contact my mum and ask for help. Then, when I arrived at her apartment, my brother was there and she had told him that information without me knowing or saying it was okay. Then he looked at me and said "you don't look like you haven't eaten for 3 days" and I will never forget that moment. He never apologized or even understood how hurtful those comments are for people. And he's much older than me, so he was almost 30 years old at the point that this happened. I'm still struggling today and I still skip meals and sometimes I don't have an appetite for 2 days. People really need to learn to think before they speak, because words truly hurt sometimes.
I blush soooo easily. Red head and fair skinned. I worry 100% less at work because when my skin is flushed I'm not at all anxious about it like i would be in the past because I have a mask on. I hope I can always wear it too
Has anyone else been watching Dr. Honda for months and then watched this show and picked up on Danielle’s signs of preoccupied attachment immediately and got to feel like a psychology genius??
As a child my grandparents kept overfeeding me so I got a little chubby and my mother is a picky eater an fitness obsessed so she was constantly shaming me for not being thin. So did my grandparents... My grandpa refused to go to the doctor with me because the physician shamed him because I was overweight so he felt embarrassed by me. Since i was a kid i didn't know it wasn't my fault I was overweight so I felt incredibly worthless. I'm still to this day struggling with body image issues but realizing my worth is not dependent on how my body is helped a lot.
Dr Honda, im curious about the demonstration of emotions, for example, i only cry when im really mad, and when im sad either i get angry or just shut down. There are people that cry when they're happy rather easily (like danielle) or people that never show emotions (like mike)... maybe u could do a deep dive about this
As a teenager my mom would ask me to lose weight all the time. She body-shamed me hard, she even bought me pills to lose weight, took me to the gym, and would buy me clothes that she knew were way too small for me to "encourage me" to lose weight. Im 30 years old and until today I'm still struggling with my weight. lately, for some reason, I've been really bad (binge eating, eating junk food no stop) is really bad and it's affecting my life. I've gained 25lbs since New Year. My recent weight gain is preventing me even from having sex with my future husband. I explained to him that I don't feel attracted at all, but he doesn't seem to understand since he always says how beautiful I am. the problem is not his perspective about me, is my perspective about myself. I don't know what to do, I can tell im getting depressed as the day goes by. i don't want summer to come over since im so fat I cant fit on my clothes. im also getting married in June and im extra worried that my dress won't fit.
I think she is a covert narcissistic person. Everything was about her and her securities and "how dare Nick to have his own thing going on" I think she is manipulating and that marriage won't last
And so now I understand why I have these skills - preoccupied attachment. Parents divorced by age 2 and my mother didn’t show physical affection and has enormous low self esteem (emotional affection, yes) and my father is a narcissist that was sexually abusive to my sisters and in a lesser form to me (his son). I’ve always been very observant. Then, as an adult, I realized I was very manipulative. I went to a therapist in my 40’s and she made me realize that I shouldn’t feel shame for my sense of being manipulative. She pointed out to me that I manipulated situations for good (I.e., how I got raises for the teams I managed, and creating situations in which everyone felt like it was a win win situation). I realize I have a hard time with boundaries, more as I get older because I think as I lose old relationships to distance and deaths that I want to accelerate new friendships. But those things can take enormous amount of time. I spent the last 10 years of my work life balancing my boundaries. I was in sales and relationships with clients were key so this was an ongoing challenge but fortunately I seemed to manage it well in those scenarios.
I love your heart and your comments! I'm learning a lot by watching relationships unfold on this show. *Spoiler alert do not continue reading this if you haven't seen all the love is blind up until 2-19*. I would love to hear your comments on Shayne and Natalie's relationships through the Feb 19th shows because I really found myself taking sides with Natalie and thinking something is wrong with Shayne's behavior. I feel like he doesn't express his emotions, such as disappointment but instead lashes out in anger over and over. And he is always walking out on her. It seems so disrespectful. I do see he was asking her for validation and then I saw her provide it so that was nice that she responded to him. So I thought they could be okay but then Shayne doesn't like her sense of humor, its mean or whatever. I don't know but from my perspective he is impulsive, disrespectful, and throws in the towel when things get the slightest bit hard. Ouch! Doesn't sound like someone I would want to date or depend on. I am kinda hoping they don't get engaged now and they were my favorite couple before because of the joy they seemed to feel with each other. I can see early on his bad behavior is keeping things exciting for her but ugh, just hard to watch him invalidate her over and over and be so self centered. I find myself wondering what is wrong with this guy? So yah, those are my thoughts and I would love to hear a more knowledgeable explanation from you.
Oof this hit close to home. I would add that we shouldn't talk about 'correcting' and 'deformity' etc. In front of the infant patient who is about to undergo surgery for cosmetic reasons on their face. I didn't need 'correcting', being born with a droopy eyelid wasn't a mistake I made that I should have known better about.
When I was 12 I remember my dad commenting that I looked like I had a belly because I slouched and had poor posture. I learned at a young age that if I have children I will do my absolute best not to comment on their appearance AT ALL.
I have a friend with a slightly larger than average sized nose, little acne scars and over crowded teeth and he also enjoys wearing a mask! He’s a bartender and the ladies are nicer to him now apparently… crazy!
This guy gives me the creeps. He seems like a rabble rouser stirring up drama between the other couples. Most of the men this season have a thin veneer of friendliness that's easily shattered with a criticism or two.
I agree. I think he's being super nice now but he's going to lower the boom on her later. He showed a glimmer of it when she admitted to feeling jealous later on... I don't trust him.
Omg yes! I noticed he constantly was starting drama or stirring the pot with other couples. He’s got some negative characteristics I’d say - or the show wanted him to stir things up? Who knows? Lol
I’m so interested to hear your perspective on Danielle’s behaviour in some of the later episodes. It’s difficult to work out because it’s so heavily edited, and a lot of things happen off camera, but I get the impression that Danielle has some extremely deep insecurities which are playing out.
Right! She is also manipulative maybe? I had no idea!
Sometimes in reacting to these reality shows Dr. Honda points out that he feels voyeuristic in watching people go through these intense emotions on TV. I feel that way with Danielle. Nick is not perfect but Danielle's low self-esteem seems SO debilitating that if they end up breaking up I fear real damage to her. It feels like we might learn a lot from when Dr. Honda sees how Danielle and her mother interact.
Yes, I feel like she really needs therapy in order to stop overreacting. Nick seems very patient with her but so many instances in such a short period would cause me to put the brakes on.
Nick does escalate. He is highly defensive.
@@ksref She has made a few posts on instagram about her experience and portrayal in the show and in one of them, she says that she has been in therapy for years. I was so happy to hear that, I wish her nothing but the best 💛
I like the dude who says "walk me thru that." It's a good conversational opener, IMHO.
When I was 14 years old, my mom told me that I looked “wide” in my comfy, slouchy track pants. We were out in public, which seemed to make it even worse. It was a horrible thing to hear, especially as I had been grappling with an eating disorder around that time. Edit: 25 years later, I still remember where we were and what I was wearing when it happened. This stuff lingers on.
I'm sorry that happened to you :( and also yes you're totally right, the fact that it was in public, I completely understand why that'd feel worse for anyone, especially someone struggling w body image. Glad u got through it and ur hear today but that stuff does stick with you for sure.
When I was 16-17 my mom wrote her ex bf (who she remained friends with) a letter apologizing to him for not giving him the heads up before he saw me because of how much weight I had gained since he had seen me last. I saw the letter in her room & I will never forget it. It hurt me so bad. Her ex bf was a huge guy himself, so that just really didn’t make sense to me. That’s just one of the many things I remember like it was yesterday. I’m almost 37 now.
I'm sorry you had to go through that. I have similar experiences with my own mom. It really does cut deep 💔
I wish i knew why that is, if there’s a psychological explanation to why those moments stick with us forever
@@crazylicious85 oh my god, that is so so sad. I’m so sorry that happened
I love how Dr Kirk will impressively spell out with accurate precision these amazing insights and then trail off saying "but yeah well what do i know". Makes me chuckle every time
I look forward to your analysis of their relationship in later episodes. I hope you do an update. I'm learning a lot so thanks for your videos.
This couple seems to me to talk past each other, rather than to one another. Both seem to have anxieties and feelings of rejection that they project onto the other. So many of their arguments could be avoided if they just slowed down and genuinely inquired into each other’s thought process imo.
"they talk past each other" Yes! That's it! I was trying to figure out how to explain it, and that's it! So curious to hear the Doc's take on them later.
It will be interesting to see his take on them arguing.
I agree. Lots of trauma bonding with this conversation.
preach
Yes! They seem to not actually explore and talk about where they were coming from after an argument, so they get right back into the same argument days later, still misunderstanding each other.
18:26 Dr. Honda’s smile at their healthy conversation is so heartwarming. I truly appreciate how he genuinely wants to see others happy.
wholesome af :)
I do love wearing masks. They keep my face warm on windy days, I haven't had a cold in years, I don't have to smile when I'm not in the mood to, and there's just another cozy layer between my self and the world and I love it.
Same! Where I live they're debating to lift the mask mandate. I say go right ahead but I'm keeping my mask on! For all your reasons, too and obviously covid.
I don't like wearing masks. I get headaches from not being able to breathe properly. :(
Same! I also don't like how the bottom half of my face is aging, and my big nose, so I think I get treated better with a mask on.
As a glasses user, yes! Except on cold days 🙈🥸
@@s.melonita4454 obviously. 🤣
1:20 Body image hangups
4:30 Over analyzing, preoccupied attachment, kids guilt about divorce
7:45 The impact of divorce and not witnessing successful marriages
9:10 Not getting enough attunement as a child and insecure attachment styles
12:22 Authenticity about pain, self awareness, using your empathy in preoccupied attachments to enhance the relationship
15:20 Not having distractions and vulnerability
17:40 Hypervigilance around other people's emotions, preoccupied attachment, empathy
19:26 Preoccupied attachment and love bombing
21:31 Preoccupied attachment and inapprpriate boundaries, enmeshment
26:10 Preoccupied attachment and amped up feelings
27:35 Schema of being unlovable
30:00 Schema of not trysting people, self awareness, corrective experiences
I loved her initially but then her insecurities began to drown out everything else. Nick's feelings are often not taken into account because her insecurity must be catered to. That's tough. He's working hard on bringing her past that point.
I've watched videos on attachment styles before and couldn't really identify with one in particular, but somehow watching you break down Danielle's anxious attachment style finally made things click for me. Pretty sure that's my attachment style, too. I'm pretty self-aware of a lot of my behaviors, but I've always felt a deep shame and sense of unworthiness. I guess it's because I was taught (maybe indirectly) that love is conditional.
I had no idea I was preoccupied but watching this resonated so much that I had to have a good cry and watch it again! Thank you!
I think her own mother is a huge reason why she is struggling so much. My family is a huge reason I have always been very insecure due to being a bit over weight as a kid/teen etc. They made it worse. I’m morbidly obese now, but had lost 120 lbs a few years ago. Unfortunately, getting down to my lowest weight since high school was even tougher on mentally. People treated me differently, which was nice but also eye opening.
A lot of people have your sentiments that the mother is a real factor in her struggles .
Absolutely. Both my parents are the main reason I’m so deeply insecure. I remember hitting puberty and growing a little pot belly and my mom poking it and saying it’s disgusting. Her #1 name calling go-to would be: you’re a fat pig. She’d have my brother join her and they’d both call me names together.
I felt that way after losing weight also. It was eery to be suddenly having such a different experience in the world. Made me second guess everything, especially new friendships or relationships.
@@thisanonymous5956 I’m sorry 😞 people suck & it’s even worse when they are your own family.
I also wanted to add that my dad was even worse than my mom. He only wanted to see me as a kid when he was showing off to his new girlfriend. I went to visit him when I was a teenager to help him at his insurance business. After helping him the first day, we got home & he wanted me to workout because he hated that I was fat. Well I didn’t get on the treadmill as soon as we got to his house, so he went off on me. He drove me to the next town over & stopped in a parking lot where he called a taxi to pick me up & drive me back to my mom’s 2+ hrs away. He literally paid $100+ to a random guy to take his teenage daughter back to her mom’s. Luckily the guy was so nice. He had a baby girl on the way, so I told him to never let her question his love for her & to always be there for her no matter what.
I agree, you can see the dynamic in the later episodes, both when Nick is meeting the family and later when Danielle is choosing her wedding dress. The mom appears SO controlling, she keeps repeating how Danielle is insecure, how she might “react”, how all her previous relationships have gone wrong, and all these bad things… She flat out tells her that the first dress she chose and tried on “is not for her”. Funny enough, that’s one she ended up wearing, and it looked great.
I can’t put my finger on what is it about the mom, but it makes me really uncomfortable and I think would make anyone flip.
I have been waiting for this!!! Their conflicts can be so frustrating to watch from the viewers perspective
Their arguments are very cringy and triggering 🤦🏽♀️ too toxic.
Wow this was mind blowing! This was exactly in a nutshell what I have been experiencing most of my 26 years here on earth. He breaks it down so effortlessly where I couldn’t help but, nod constantly. I could relate to everything he mentioned. It feels good to know that I’m not the only one coping with that anxious attachment style. I am very self-aware and I love my vulnerability. I see it as a strength where in a world it is perceived as a weakness. From one empath to another love you all!
Your explanation of preoccupied attachment and how it happens made me tear up. It gave me a lightbulb moment about my childhood and how it has affected me. Thank you for that.
I feel so sad for Danielle. In almost every episode, you see her struggling with her insecurities. It seemed like she generally made an effort to explain how she was feeling and why she was feeling that way. A lot of times, even communicating that she knew her perception wasn't true. But I noticed Nick would always get super defensive right away - even in moments where Danielle seemed pretty differentiated when explaining her feelings. I get that he felt attacked, but it didn't seem like there was an effort to sympathize, listen, or communicate. In the end, it seems like both Danielle and Nick are placing the majority of the blame on her. I'm not sure how the show is going to end, but I hope she's okay!
Totally agree.
I agree! He doesn’t really acknowledge or soothe her feelings when she is feeling that way which seems to amplify her
Yeah I'm on board with your perspective , he even seems to be holding back potentially, I wonder if it's due to image management ( awareness of the cameras watching ). The way he got so upset about his sister mentioning that he showered twice a day felt like he suppressed the nature of his feelings , along with the situations with Danielle, like he is holding back the nature of how much so he really is annoyed or upset
It's unfortunate , but I feel like if he stayed differentiated he could have easily soothed her in many situations , but then again she could have done the same for him , conversation around emotions are tuff !
Nick's a saint dealing with her lol. It's always about her and never what he's feeling.
@@thinlion01 yeah but if she brings up an issue it's best to address it then move on to him or vise versa , both at the same time is a recipe for disaster...
I understand this and still do it in my relationship..
Functional conversations around emotions are hard !!!
This really resonated with me and moved me to tears. I’m so happy you are creating this content. It’s so important. Seeing these *potential* examples and having you unpack this all can change lives. Thank you and keep up the good work 🙏🏼
This is such a great comment! I wish I’d been the one to write it 😁
I used to have preoccupied attachment and somehow along the way it's become more of an avoidant attachment. I still very much feel similar on the inside, but i guess i've taught myself it's better to avoid, disappear, and run away rather than run towards. It's much less scary and there's much less opportunity to be rejected. At least this way i can trick myself into believing it's my choice.
This is me. A lot of the things he was saying in this was hitting me
I cried reading your comment. It’s so me 😩
@@crazylicious85 😔
I feel like I do this too when its gets tough. Thank you for sharing.
Same
Thank you so much for this episode! I learn so much from these videos and they’ve helped me tremendously. I’m a Patreon only to show you some kind of gratitude for all the free content you put on TH-cam ❤️
I’ve literally had the same feelings about masks I like to cover my face because I feel ugly. And I can avoid eye contact without feeling guilty.
I understand what it's like to feel insecure, but hope you can someday see the beauty of yourself
Same here 😓
me too!
when dr. honda says "to review" i feel like I'm in therapy/class and should be taking notes like the next video is going to be a quiz lol
I’m also making notes 😅
I can’t wait until he watches the later episodes of Danielle and Nick, and the way they argue and attack eachother
They escalate very quickly. They fight about fighting. The Gottman signs are there. Plus nick’s family seems very closed off and avoidant.
@@kristinrodier2217 “they fight about fighting” - seemed like that to me too. Based on my knowledge of attachment theory, I would think that both of them have attachment insecurity.. she would be more anxious preoccupied and he would be more secure anxious preoccupied..but then I’m curious as to why he appears to me to be also weirdly avoidant (can’t put my finger on it tho, maybe he also has fearful avoidant/ disorganized tendencies..?)
Omg fr it’s so bad!!! like a headache
In my opinion, this couple in particular, both parties really want a relationship but neither of them are really ready for one. She is way too insecure and needs to do some personal work and healing, and he gets really upset and takes everything as an attack when sometimes she really is just expressing how she feels! (Which yes it’s good she knows what she’s feeling and expresses it but those feelings are overwhelming her and affecting her to not trust him, and he in turn gets really upset and loses patience when she does this)
👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻
They mentioned I believe in the reunion episode (or maybe this detail was in an interview?) that they do go to therapy and that was actually one of the things they learned and realized (that sometimes she needed to just express how she felt and have him hear and understand that rather than try to fix it). And I DO feel this SO much - sometimes I just want to express how I feel and not necessarily have it be solved.
I remember watching them the first time and having a vivid memory of a college speech class discussing communication styles. While they don't necessarily apply to men and women respectively, "masculine" style hears a complaint or strong emotion of some sort and seeks to identify the issue and fix it, whereas "feminine" speakers are essentially seeking to vent and often neither want nor need a solution, they just need to be able to express how they're feeling. Time and time again I would see Danielle trying to "vent" and just tell him how she felt, knowing full well it was irrational and not expecting him to fix anything, while he heard someone crying out for help and looking for a way to fix it only to get frustrated because there was no fix...often because the "problem" itself was her own anxieties/insecurities causing her to come to assumptions that he knew were wrong about him, but that she internally just felt to be true. There's no way to change someone's gut feeling fueled by their own traumas except time and proving them wrong, but to Nick who wanted to identify the issue and fix it, in his mind it seemed like he should just be able to say "Hey, I know you feel that way but that wasn't actually what I was doing/thinking/saying so it's not really an issue. And if there's no issue to fix, why are you still upset and can't we just move on?" Heartbreaking to watch bc neither meant the other harm, but to borrow an adage it's a chicken and duck trying to talk to each other and just getting nowhere.
Its crazy how your videos can unexpectedly speak to me. It's great to have a source of entertainment when also being personally helped in awesome ways
Throughout this season you will really see just how much Danielle’s insecurities really takes a toll on their relationship. I think Nick tries really hard to support her and comfort her but they can never get on the same page of understanding. And it’s sad to see her insecurities are self-sabotaging the relationship
Honestly, I don't think Nick was being very understanding. As soon as she says that something made her upset he immediately goes on defense mode and tries to prove her wrong. Idk if she has experienced gaslighting in her past, but for someone who has, the immediate defensive reaction and trying to prove the other person's feelings are invalid can trigger memories and responses from gaslighting experiences in their past, even if that isn't what the current partner is doing. Growing up with a narcissistic step dad this continues to be something I struggle with. My step dad constantly told me I was "faking" things and that mental illness was made up and that the feelings I had were "all in my head" or I was being dramatic or whatever other excuse he could find to invalidate me. So now, when I open up to someone and they get defensive and try to play down my emotions or invalidate them completely, it's very triggering for me because I feel the need to prove myself and really dig in deep to what they are saying and analyze it to the point an argument breaks out. Honestly, I empathize with Danielle. As much as Nick says he is supportive and will always be there and will always understand, he really doesn't give himself time to put himself in her shoes and validate the way she is feeling and admit that something he did upset her, or even vice versa...there have been times where she points out that he was a little upset with her and she owns WHY he had a reason to be upset with her, and then he immediately tells her that she was wrong....as if he hadn't already admitted in the moment that he was upset. She seems to just bring up interesting, honest points, and he often turns it into an argument that she feels compelled to argue back. Just my thoughts though. Could be wrong. Total speculation.
@@meganwoehl5277 💯
Nick looked like his whole life flashed before his eyes at the altar. Several times he had those calculating eyes when she spoke and it seemed like he figured he shouldn't be venturing into it but surprisingly he did. I was pretty sure until the end he was gonna say no but somehow he accepted the challenge and set out to prove his mom wrong. I think other than insecurity Danielle also had a lot of me me myself going on. She seemed to be overly concerned with how she looked, how she felt, how she would feel..whilst ignoring the feelings of the other person in the equation.
@@wheathusk2499 Omg i expected him to say no too! Even before seeing his expressions, I thought this bc they're incompatible and all they do is fight. Danielle needs a lot of therapy to work on her issues. I think it's the pressure of the show and how their friends and family showed up to their wedding that made him say yes. Marriage is so serious though! They could've said no and still dated after (like Natalie and Shayne did and they decided it didn't work out). It's much better to keep dating until you're 100% sure.
I get so excited when I see a new upload on Dr Honda reacts to Love is Blind!!!
This video has helped me so much to give a definition and diagnosis of how I have felt and what I have done in my relationships since I was a child- always empathetic and in tune with other emotions, fear of abandonment/rejections in past relationships and I have always crossed boundaries with people easily. These are things I have always struggled with and this has been so enlightening to watch, thank you!
As a child I was constantly called ugly/humiliated by kids at school and by my mother. Thank you for this video and your advice as this is a constant struggle for me.
I’m very sorry that happened to you :’(
I’m so sorry
I live with that schema and it's very difficult. I am grateful for your channel I have not had any success in finding a therapist and your channel is really the only source of help I have for understanding these things
Noticing I probably have preoccupied attachment, and that seeing Dr Honda have such a benign smile when these two are having happy moments makes me feel happy and a ton of relief! It's almost like I feel physically lighter seeing a smile that doesn't have contempt behind it. I'm also very glad to hear strong emotional attunement talked about without the term empath thrown around like a badge of honor.
Woah. I never knew that being attuned to the emotions of others is a characteristic of preoccupied attachment…wow. I’ve always referred to myself as an empath, but I guess that trait is just a product of my attachment style. That’s depressing, but it explains a lot.
Pretty much what I just came here to say 😅 explains so much. I will say though I came to a healthier place a lot faster than Danielle... Maybe because I got away from my parents 😅 Danielle needs to get away from her mom! Put some distance between them.
Adding that I'm in a healthier place in terms of relationships. I'm still riddled with anxiety 😂
I think that when you heal a wounded piece of you, it becomes a superpower.
Actually not always. There is a personality trait known as sensory processing sensitivity that makes people more sensitive and more attuned in general. So a lot of times people with this trait consider themselves empaths when really they're just sensitive so that means they pick up on little things that the average person doesn't. Just saying that could be your issue ( I am also a hsp) and not necessarily preoccupied attachment. Personally I have identified myself to have fearful preoccupied attachment also known as anxious avoidant so that can exist even as a highly sensitive person.
I'm so glad that you're reacting to season 2 of this show! There's a lot more to unpack with this couple in later episodes.
It's amazing how the change of lifestyle with covid has helped me feel more acceptable in my body and skin. So much of my anxiety is connected to feeling like others are looking at me and judging me. So there was a pressure to present myself in a certain way. Some people might say the last 2 years I let my self go but in reality I am just more comfortable with myself. It's still a struggle but I'm so much happier prioritizing myself over what other people think.
Yesssss! Samesies
Love to see it
“We also live in a society..” He said the words!
14:40 so true! I am a preoccupied attachment individual and this holds so true! I will toot my own horn that friends over time have often noticed my observant nature, insightfulness, and ability to more frequently accurately predict people's inner moods / motivations for behavior / future actions that come from wanting and being really attuned to your close friends and loved ones. I can't (or maybe won't) turn it off, it's how I have always walked through the world. I have always loved this ability to intimately connect with and understand my friends and family (and honestly as you said, game the system to get better outcomes for everyone's needs in the relationship getting met). While counselors have emphasized with me that not everyone defaults to thinking the way I do and not everyone is capable of being emotionally attuned or insightful back (what a soul crushing disappointment 😭), no professional has ever outright connected this strength of mine to my pesky attachment style. Usually preoccupied attachment comes from and causes a lot of pain and that's the main focus to reduce that suffering... which can pile on to the feeling of wow, there is really something wrong with me. It is nice to hear you, a professional, say that something good and pleasant actually came out of this style of being. 😊 Made my day.
I love your comment - I feel the same way 💛
I just want to thank you for doing this video. You have no idea how much it resonated with me and helped me. I watched this video out of curiosity of what you thought about these cast members, but I ended up relating to many of your descriptions of people with preoccupied attachment. My case might not be to the extent of hers but there are definitely a lot of similarities. I even took down notes especially about how you guide your clients and the pillars to change. I am near the end of my journey (or at least halfway there). So thank you for this. I really appreciate your work!
From this clip it appears she has a lot of insecurity and anxiety, she needs a good dose of therapy and not rely on a partner to provide ALL the support. He seems like he would be a good support for her but constantly reassuring her would be tiring.
You have no idea 😭 they're a hot mess once they meet and going forward
She is in therapy
I agree. She’s obviously done a lot of work, but it doesn’t seem like she’s ready to be in a relationship - I could definitely be wrong, but having your partner’s insecurities take up a big part of your time and energy would be very taxing, IMO.
Wow Dr. Thank you so much for this video. I’ve been watching your content for 2 years now, I’ve learned so much about myself with this video! You talked about preoccupied attachment and for the first time today, I feel like I fit in the description, at least 50-70%
Watching Dr. Honda react to this show is so much less stressful than watching this with my family who are very uneducated and judgmental
I agree. He looks past some of the heavy edits. Your family is likely falling for the editors manipulation.
I think Nick has empathy and he obviously had a hard childhood but I wish that he was more aware of himself. Danielle is very aware of herself but super traumatized, it really takes a lot of work and in the US money to really heal that. Before I started healing I never talked about my childhood or things that happened to me up till about 25. Now at 32 and trying to heal, I talk about every feeling that comes up for me and any bit of my history that may be related. It may take me a while and I am sure I sound like a broken record of trauma to my closest friends but yeah, sometimes when you see someone acting like Danielle they are in an active healing process and bring up any feeling they may have about a situation and it may seem bizarre that they are worried about this or that but they are just trying to process that feeling and trying to heal from whatever hurt them in the past. Healing is not linear.
I identify myself with Danielle, I used to sabotage my relationships with a lot of bickering over tiny things. I hope to see your update about the last episodes especially this couple..
Me too!
Me too!
when i hear him talking about pre-occupied individual im thinking omg it’s ME
Thank you for talking about vulnerability and the way the show is set up. Seems that the vulnerability can come from being alone and somewhat talking to yourself. It is so much harder to have the same conversation looking in somebody's eyes, the risk of somebody actually seeing you when you might be scared of anyone really seeing you!!
Makes me wonder about the role this plays in long distance relationships. Could that be a factor that we do not get to see on 90 days fiance?
also i want to say thank you DR Kirk! im literally crying when you are talking about this, just hits me so hard!
Thank you Dr Honda for sharing! As I was watching, I started realizing that I might have preoccupied attachment. When Danielle shared that she cried when she was happy or sad, you shared that some children with preoccupied attachment unconsciously make their emotions bigger so they can get their needs met. I cried a lot as a child and was labeled “overly sensitive.” I always thought that this was due to my inherent sensitive nature, but maybe it was due to my emotional needs not being met as a child. 🤔
As someone who probably has pre occupied attachment, it’s kinda crazy to think if I didn’t recognise this, 10 years later Danielle could be me. Which is so much harder to unlearn at 30 than at 20. My heart goes out for her in that aspect. Cause trust me, even when we hurt others we’re hurting so much more inside…
I cannot wait for Dr. Honda to get to the episodes with Danielle's mom!!! She made me so uncomfortable, and I have a theory that she's responsible for a lot of Danielle's insecurity. I can't wait to hear what a qualified professional has to say.
I sincerely appreciate your discussion about kids and their perception about parents, especially in the case of divorce. You unlocked memories I forgot I had 🥺 and you’re absolutely right on your take. Thank you Dr. Honda 🙏🏼 I know you say NOT to use this mess videos as therapy but you are sincerely healing my heart and teaching me SO much
As an ambivalent preoccupied attachment this really warms my heart ♥️
You are so wholesome, I’m living for this series 😭💛
That was a good self-love affirmation set
Dr. Honda is spoiling us!
Danielle and I are SO similar, it's scary and really enlightening. Growing up with minimal good examples of relationships, being formerly heavy and still maintains that "I'm fat and no one will love me" ideology, being very emotional, getting more afraid the more into a relationship I am, being painfully and self-depracatingly self-aware.... It's so good to see this from an outside perspective & with feedback from a professional. Being in similar situations in the past, I would be skeptical of someone who is being so attentive and loving. And I can't say that I've changed. I still feel all this. It makes me want to cry for myself while I'm crying with her about herself!
I really enjoyed this, especially your commentary on Danielle's fat-shaming experience and in general about public shame. Particularly, the story you shared about your friend perfectly describes my own delimma, as I have crippling social anxiety and found a lot of comfort in my face being covered when i talk to people or have to present for school, so naturally I dread the day mandate will no longer be in effect 😔😪
This video got way too real 🤣🤣 it felt like I was reliving my trauma by hearing you talk about preoccupied attachment lol
That last line about corrective experiences is why I think friendships are so important
She's just like me. I'm so happy for her. I am also trying to work on myself. And your channel has helped me so much. Thanku 🥺 ❤️
amazing episode. thanks again dr kirk!
It's difficult to try and believe i'm acceptable the way i am since, like most of us, i want to be acceptable _within the society_ . And it's the society that tells me i look wrong. :/
yea.
I really resonate with Danielle, even in the later episodes where she starts to spiral. She's always aware of what she's doing(for better or worse) and she's often verbalizing what she's doing, which isn't usually common for people that are having a mental/emotional breakdown. It takes a special kind of person to see past that and work with you while you come back up for air. Sometimes when we spiral we say really dumb things, things that most people say in their heads and not out loud. And I feel for her with that. It's tough.
Your a narc. Seek help
Oh dear, sweet naive Dr. Kirk lol. Relish the time before watching the rest of these two.
I identified with Danielle in the beginning and then she started putting words in nicks mouth and cause fights and that really made me mad . As Nick is such a gossip lol
At 17:47 when you described how preoccupied attachment people use how people feel to get their needs met, I felt really seen. I always felt guilty for being that way, like as if I’m manipulating them but the way you said it, it makes me feel more validated and less villian-ish
Honestly, I hate the way I had to grow up, I have a lot of trauma from it, but one of the things I'm glad I came away with is my sensitivity towards other people's emotions and being able to read people. It has come back to bite me because I can come off very judgy at times, and it's also hard for me to relate to a lot of people because a lot of people just seem really fake to me. BUT it has kept me safe and the connections I do make are incredibly strong. Growing up my mom and dad divorced when I was 4 and then about a year later my mom started dating my step dad. He has never gotten an official diagnosis but I would say he is a narcissist and he is abusive. My dad wasn't really around, he moved to another state for work and I only saw him every 3 months or so....and then I learned that he came back into town about every weekend but spent that time going to poker tournaments or hanging out with his friends instead of seeing me, and that really hurt. I feel like that contributed a lot to my attachment issues because I was such a daddy's girl, always hyped him up and told everyone what a great guy he was, but he couldn't even be bothered to see me when he had the chance. But also, with my step dad being the way he is and all the abuse he put me through, that played a big role in me being able to read people. I had to instinctively learn how to read people to know if what I was about to say would cause an argument, are they in a good mood or bad mood, what are the things they aren't saying out loud but I can tell through their body language, is this person about to snap, who acts as a good buffer to keep things civilized, etc... I'm a very empathetic person and I really feed off of people's emotions because it says so much more about them. On the flip side, I also over analyze a lot and read too far into things that really aren't that deep. Someone can say something to me and it will trigger a memory of my step dad doing something similar, and it's hard for me to differentiate what they meant from the way my step dad meant it or his motivations for doing things. Sometimes I think people intentionally set out to hurt me, when really it was something small, they didn't mean it, but because my step dad would have meant it in a malicious way, I assume they did as well. It's hard for me to keep in mind that people aren't as vindictive or cruel as he is, and that these methods of reading people and the deeper meaning behind things are a coping mechanism from childhood and that I'm not in that environment anymore and theoretically shouldn't need to be ready for the other shoe to drop every moment of every day.
A few years ago I was struggling with eating (I've never been diagnosed with an eating disorder but that's most likely the case). I think I was around 18 or 19 and I had been skipping meals for three days straight and I managed to contact my mum and ask for help. Then, when I arrived at her apartment, my brother was there and she had told him that information without me knowing or saying it was okay. Then he looked at me and said "you don't look like you haven't eaten for 3 days" and I will never forget that moment. He never apologized or even understood how hurtful those comments are for people. And he's much older than me, so he was almost 30 years old at the point that this happened. I'm still struggling today and I still skip meals and sometimes I don't have an appetite for 2 days. People really need to learn to think before they speak, because words truly hurt sometimes.
That sounds horrible. I hope you're ok!
Loving your videos! Very insightful 👏
I can't wait for more of your reactions to love is blind
the way she said "I don't deserve you" broke my heart
Nurse here and instructor.....I love your channel and expertise.
I honestly feel the same way about wearing a mask. I feel way more relaxed when I can cover my face in public lol
I blush soooo easily. Red head and fair skinned. I worry 100% less at work because when my skin is flushed I'm not at all anxious about it like i would be in the past because I have a mask on. I hope I can always wear it too
Has anyone else been watching Dr. Honda for months and then watched this show and picked up on Danielle’s signs of preoccupied attachment immediately and got to feel like a psychology genius??
As a child my grandparents kept overfeeding me so I got a little chubby and my mother is a picky eater an fitness obsessed so she was constantly shaming me for not being thin. So did my grandparents... My grandpa refused to go to the doctor with me because the physician shamed him because I was overweight so he felt embarrassed by me. Since i was a kid i didn't know it wasn't my fault I was overweight so I felt incredibly worthless. I'm still to this day struggling with body image issues but realizing my worth is not dependent on how my body is helped a lot.
Dr Honda, im curious about the demonstration of emotions, for example, i only cry when im really mad, and when im sad either i get angry or just shut down. There are people that cry when they're happy rather easily (like danielle) or people that never show emotions (like mike)... maybe u could do a deep dive about this
This was very insightful. I learned a lot. 🥰
i recently broke up with my bf, and literally i fit every single data point of the pre-occupied attachment style. glad i am in therapy.
As a teenager my mom would ask me to lose weight all the time. She body-shamed me hard, she even bought me pills to lose weight, took me to the gym, and would buy me clothes that she knew were way too small for me to "encourage me" to lose weight. Im 30 years old and until today I'm still struggling with my weight. lately, for some reason, I've been really bad (binge eating, eating junk food no stop) is really bad and it's affecting my life. I've gained 25lbs since New Year. My recent weight gain is preventing me even from having sex with my future husband. I explained to him that I don't feel attracted at all, but he doesn't seem to understand since he always says how beautiful I am. the problem is not his perspective about me, is my perspective about myself. I don't know what to do, I can tell im getting depressed as the day goes by. i don't want summer to come over since im so fat I cant fit on my clothes. im also getting married in June and im extra worried that my dress won't fit.
Dr Honda saved the day again ♥️
I think she is a covert narcissistic person. Everything was about her and her securities and "how dare Nick to have his own thing going on" I think she is manipulating and that marriage won't last
This is so helpful! Esp for parenting
I’ve never been so early 🤣
Anyone else notice suddenly in the good docs pause that the room set up and even couch style is different for the men vs women?
And so now I understand why I have these skills - preoccupied attachment. Parents divorced by age 2 and my mother didn’t show physical affection and has enormous low self esteem (emotional affection, yes) and my father is a narcissist that was sexually abusive to my sisters and in a lesser form to me (his son).
I’ve always been very observant. Then, as an adult, I realized I was very manipulative. I went to a therapist in my 40’s and she made me realize that I shouldn’t feel shame for my sense of being manipulative. She pointed out to me that I manipulated situations for good (I.e., how I got raises for the teams I managed, and creating situations in which everyone felt like it was a win win situation).
I realize I have a hard time with boundaries, more as I get older because I think as I lose old relationships to distance and deaths that I want to accelerate new friendships. But those things can take enormous amount of time. I spent the last 10 years of my work life balancing my boundaries. I was in sales and relationships with clients were key so this was an ongoing challenge but fortunately I seemed to manage it well in those scenarios.
Ugh why does this have to be so relatable
I love your heart and your comments! I'm learning a lot by watching relationships unfold on this show. *Spoiler alert do not continue reading this if you haven't seen all the love is blind up until 2-19*. I would love to hear your comments on Shayne and Natalie's relationships through the Feb 19th shows because I really found myself taking sides with Natalie and thinking something is wrong with Shayne's behavior. I feel like he doesn't express his emotions, such as disappointment but instead lashes out in anger over and over. And he is always walking out on her. It seems so disrespectful. I do see he was asking her for validation and then I saw her provide it so that was nice that she responded to him. So I thought they could be okay but then Shayne doesn't like her sense of humor, its mean or whatever. I don't know but from my perspective he is impulsive, disrespectful, and throws in the towel when things get the slightest bit hard. Ouch! Doesn't sound like someone I would want to date or depend on. I am kinda hoping they don't get engaged now and they were my favorite couple before because of the joy they seemed to feel with each other. I can see early on his bad behavior is keeping things exciting for her but ugh, just hard to watch him invalidate her over and over and be so self centered. I find myself wondering what is wrong with this guy? So yah, those are my thoughts and I would love to hear a more knowledgeable explanation from you.
Dr. Honda. You a wizard.
What we've all been waiting for
Oof this hit close to home. I would add that we shouldn't talk about 'correcting' and 'deformity' etc. In front of the infant patient who is about to undergo surgery for cosmetic reasons on their face. I didn't need 'correcting', being born with a droopy eyelid wasn't a mistake I made that I should have known better about.
When I was 12 I remember my dad commenting that I looked like I had a belly because I slouched and had poor posture. I learned at a young age that if I have children I will do my absolute best not to comment on their appearance AT ALL.
Please react to this couple first. It accelerates from here.
When are we going to see Dr Kirk do love is blind japan??
Not me watching this and realizing I have preoccupied attachment lol
I learned so much about myself from this
plz do the whole episode 10 i am really relating and learning from it .u r really helpfull God bless u and ur family
I have a friend with a slightly larger than average sized nose, little acne scars and over crowded teeth and he also enjoys wearing a mask! He’s a bartender and the ladies are nicer to him now apparently… crazy!
This guy gives me the creeps. He seems like a rabble rouser stirring up drama between the other couples.
Most of the men this season have a thin veneer of friendliness that's easily shattered with a criticism or two.
I agree. I think he's being super nice now but he's going to lower the boom on her later. He showed a glimmer of it when she admitted to feeling jealous later on... I don't trust him.
YES. Almost like he feels good about breaking up other couples. At first I thought he was such a peaceful, calm soul. Glad you pointed that out.
Omg yes! I noticed he constantly was starting drama or stirring the pot with other couples. He’s got some negative characteristics I’d say - or the show wanted him to stir things up? Who knows? Lol
@@sarahsfairytale he could totally be a plant
@@princesstelevision67 I wondered it he was a plant.
is there gonna be a Japan one? Could be fun to have them in parralel
Oh, and I’d love to hear Dr. Honda on Love Is Blind Brazil. That was a novela (soap opera).
Im just going to add this - I don't think I'm ugly but wearing a mask really helps with my anxiety?
I don't watch this show at all, so I'm confused about the whole thing.
How are they already engaged in episode 1?!
Wait till you see the next few episodes of Danielle ! Lol