The Long Suffering Wife & her equally toxic partner | Khadija Mbowe
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- เผยแพร่เมื่อ 3 ก.ค. 2024
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0:00 Play
2:10 deleteme...pls
4:02 who is she?
11:39 the glorification of 'struggle love'
22:59 a lesson from love is blind
29:52 y'all
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The fact that he had such a big smile on his face the whole time knowing he was about to humiliate her in front of her friends and family is so f’d up. He could have told her the night before like Jimmy did. He really seemed like he was enjoying humiliating her.
Yes!!! That was so creepy.
Clay has deep deep issues.
This part! Everyone saying that AD should've been left on her own, but love bombing is a real thing and is super confusing for people who don't have an immunity for it.
@@Roros404tbh nothing he did was love bombing. Didn't compliment her, didn't buy things for her dude couldn't even do the bare minimum and come home when needed. She was just blinded by his looks, probably was dickmatized. She also projected her idea of him onto him
And I couldn't believe he looked into their friends and family at the altar and asked "do I look like a husband" knowing full well he was gonna say no
Let’s be real. Many women were raised to expect men to be horrible to them and that it is their responsibility to show him the light. That’s why red flags seem like part of the journey and not an issue.
“He hits you because he likes you”
Girl bye 🙄
That part!!!
I remember rejecting my Mom’s statement of, “If he makes fun of you he likes you.”
I got a beating afterwards because I was “being defiant” 🙄
Yup
My mom. And she says she’ll leave and never does. Suffering in silence or just suffering period is a thing and many don’t leave because they don’t know life without their man.
society has conditioned women to endure this type of suffering and created a sense of fear amongst women that being single is just not okay.
Back that yes but now women choose to endure...
It's the women enduring looking down at the women that opted out..
@@sufi8903 they look down on women like that partly because they are afraid to be alone
@@shaynacameron4530 I think things have definitely changed, I see more women opting out of the societal norms..
@@sufi8903 yeah that's true, which is good and makes for better healthy relationships
@@shaynacameron4530 It will take time for our male counterparts to accept...the old sociatal norms made them lazy partners..
Notice how Clay's father suggested he get a woman like his mother. The same kind of woman he mistreated and dogged out. It's as if these men refuse to see the dysfunction, confusion, and mistreatment they perpetuate down throughout the generations they help create. It's unbelievably upsetting and disappointing that men like this who have proven time and time again that they dont deserve access to a woman's body, time and energy, create nothing but a legacy of confusion and hurt at the expense of the women they claim to love and their children who like Clay, grow up confused. It's a cycle that feeds off of the desperation of women who put a man before themselves. Watching AD look at the other girl like she was crazy for "buying the car without test driving it." Only to be turned down at the altar was ironic and heartbreaking, to say the least
This
🎯🤦🏽♀️
These are the guys they like tho? Takes two hands to clap.
@@armchaireconexactly. They allow it, so it continues
@@peacejoylove8542’They allow it’;…. Why is that always women’s fault. These men are perpetually looking for mommies who regulate their behavior, “allow” or “forbid” whatever bs they want to put women through. Grow tf up and be responsible for your own choices for once.
I just don't understand the people (men) who come on the show and act surprised that when they're expected to get married. That's the whole point. Why come on the show if you're still trying to figure out if marriage is for you? You are not only robbing people of an opportunity but also putting other individuals in harms way and using them for your own personal character development, which is so narcissistic well. It's a waste of time, but of course, they'll continue to get casted for entertainment purposes.
Almost every time Clay word vomited all over us, I'd scream back "WHYYYYYY ARRRREE YOUUUU HEREEEE?!"
None of these people are there to get married. They're there to get famous. It's TV...
@@FunkyLittlePoptart Well, there HAVE been several successful (for now) marriages to come out of this show. But I think the longer the show is on air, the more it will be all fame hungry folks.
One can hope and do the work to THINK they are ready. I believe that's what Clay did/wants to continue to do. Doesn't mean they will be though.
tbh, a lot of them come for the clout the show gives them that then gives them access to more women, or even worse, to enter the netflix cinematic universe of reality tv shows e.g trevor
The scariest thing about struggle love is when asked what they love about you all that comes up is what you do for them or how you make them feel. Like you can't even lie and say my eyes or something !
Or your big white teeth
But isn't acts of service a love language? Did you want him to lie??
@@sainttrai It’s an issue when that’s the ONLY reason you say you love someone. That’s not love because once you’re able to get the same things from someone else, what would keep you from leaving your current partner and moving on to someone else who you feel can do more for you? Or when you feel like you finally got enough to move on to someone new whom you really wanted to be with. That’s what happens all the time to the “come up” woman.
I agree. It doesn't feel right. It sort of gives you foresight of what will happen to the relationship if you stop giving them whatever it is that they need. It also makes you subconsciously uphold their perspective of you and pushes you into a corner of being whatever it is that they require.
Eh I don't know. One can express their personal qualities through deed. I don't know how some passive quality somehow is more worth loving than complimenting, say, generosity based on how you have expressed it to others. My eyes are just my eyes, I was born with them, I didn't earn them or learn them, I got them from my mommy, they just sit in my skull and roll a lot. We love people because of how they express their qualities, not because of what they are or have. Even parent-offspring love is transactional. Yiu love this baby of yours because of how they love you, you'd love a baby a little less if it was just a random, inert lump of flesh that didn't interact with you in any way. One can argue that you love that child in your belly already, but you don't love that kid for who they are. You love the idea of them, what they represent to you, how they make yiu feel. All human relationships are transactional. All of them. It's not a bad thing. For love to happen, there must be active communication and expression, it is all based on how this or that trait of someone affects YOU. Again, it's not a bad thing. Loving something for existing without expression is not love, it's infatuation based on an idea, not action and expression.
I noticed a long time ago that men seem interested only in attracting women and not how to maintain a healthy relationship. But they also hate getting dumped. It makes no sense.
Attraction doesn't mean intention. Man are hunters, especially avoidant types, it's all about the hunting. If they have the girl it's boring and these guys move on. On the other side, it's about having a plan b. So the girl is good enough for some action until the right girl comes up for him. So they won't like to be dumped... I'm happy married by the way but I know these guys aswell. Unconsciously girls choose them like AD because of missing self-love... I have been there too in the past.
@@ireefree2024 Men love blaming “biological nature” on shit lol men if ya’ll are that unevolved just say so
The blonde EAT DOWN! ✨😍
Yassssss and the eyebrows are everything‼️
No crumbs, plate cleared 👏👏
MHMMM was just getting ready to comment this!!
Facts
Stunning ❤
I don't think "boring" is the correct word to describe a long-term relationship. I think it is comfortable; you become at ease, and securely settled. With this, the need for the "every two day adventures" is not needed because you feel comfort in the presence of your partner; not bored.
I like this one 🥰
Totally agree ❤️
I agree. In a healthy long-term relationship, the opposite of exciting isn't boring, it's comfortable. If I'm bored I'm going to be looking for something else, if I'm comfortable I stay.
It just won't seem that way in the current generation of dopamine addicts with supercomputers in every jean pocket.
I conquer. Unfortunately, this is why some people cheat - seeking constant excitement. Relationships should be fun but you can’t chase an everlasting high because it doesn’t exist (in ANY part of life).
I wanna feel bad for AD but she literally said she would follow him off a bridge whilst he self-fulfilled prophecied his way through their relationship. These are the consequences 🤷🏽♀️ god bless her though
It's like she was so self aware but then decided to basically say nah f*** that
it's such an odd cognitive dissonance.... there must be a reason... trauma probably. I hope that she & all women struggling like that... learns from here on out 😮💨😞
It was AD saying that there was nothing Clay could have said or done that would made her change her mind of saying yes to him….was when my empathy for her went out the door.
Amanda Seale described it best: smart woman, dumb girl
she just doesn’t know her worth
I was the long suffering girlfriend and broke up with him last October. His family hated me and I was convinced that he hated me at times. It was hard, and I had to start my life all over again, but I’m much better now. Love doesn’t have to mean struggling and suffering and arguing in between the good times. NEVER again.
Fucking well DONE. I'm happy for you!!
How did you do it? I got close with his family, it was at a vulnerable time but I already got side eyed cause I stopped showing up as much and just really go to work or home. I don’t even go out, I let him use my car to help his family cause they were in need but now… it seems like just grocery store runs and bullshit as to why they are “in need”. But at the end of the day, I know I’m not the bad guy but they make your life hard when you do choose to leave (I’ve seen it happen) and idk, I need help.
@@user-ui2lf3tk8l What are your standards, boundaries, ad expectations? What are you getting out of the relationship? What do you want out of the relationship? If the relationship doesn't align with your standards etc, maybe its not the best thing for you. I'm not asking you those questions but I think those are questions that you should ask yourself. Men will use you up for as long as you allow it
Literally me rn and he won't accept the errors in his ways or the fact that we broke up fr
❤❤
AD has to return to therapy unfortunately. Clay always talked about her in terms of what she was offering, but nothing about what she was as a person. Unfortunately, she was a reflection of many of us who still struggle with codependency
clays reaction when he first met AD where he stuck his face in her chest and called himself a baby and didnt want to disappoint her was such a clear sign of his intentions and attitude coming into the "expirement"
Standard bm looking for a mom and not a wife.
Yeah but she was only concerned with how handsome he was so that’s really on her. She wasn’t focused on character
People will always tell you who they are and what they want.
Literally saw a yt shirt where a husband upgraded his wife’s wedding ring because they almost divorced during a rough period but managed through and literally all of the comments were about how god wants to bless their marriage and stuff and I feels like we don’t talk often enough about how struggle love is upheld especially in church and the connection with using the words “we’ve had some really rough times we nearly broke up but you’re my go to” because that’s not a good thing
Agreed, I've heard so many Christian couples talk about rough patches they've been through and it's literally just the husband cheating
@@Rosa5311 right like youd think its financial
Chile yes!!!!
Struggle love isn’t upheld by the church. Church women keep choosing men that don’t love and respect them, who are not truly saved and delivered, yet they keep getting upset that the church don’t let them divorce even though they knew that the choice of a husband was one and done. From the start you know you can’t divorce, so why be hasty in marriage? In fact, why get married at all? It’s not like you are going to go to hell if you never marry, and it’s better than being stuck in a miserable marriage for the rest of your life. Please stop blaming men or the church for a choice you willingly made. There was no need to rush into marriage and ignore red flags; you could have fasted and prayed, went for deliverance services, been upfront about yourself and what you want, interviewed his family and friends, so many things. These women did not have to get married when they know they can never leave once they say “ I do.” Please take some accountability.
@gazelleh5880 so from what I'm hearing it's the churches fault
Black women: Finances are important. I noticed how the pastor that presided over AD and Clay's wedding mentioned money isn't important. 🙄
What I truly don’t like are people falling for Clay’s antics. I was NOT shocked at all, he objectified her from the front and told her it wasn’t gonna happen. AD paints her nails red as she said, too desperate cause she should’ve been left.
She doesn’t see it, Clay blessed her with that no, unfortunately she didn’t learn her lesson.
I’m shocked that people are shocked he said no
@@lilyxo6914 those shocked are suffering from the same thing AD is...
I am so glad to see this comment. Like who did not see that plot play out after watching this dude. He spewed bs in a way that would make any politician proud.
What do you mean by “she puddings her nails red” ? is that a euphemism? Did I miss something?? Are you slut shaming?? I don’t get it it’s so specific 😭
I was gonna comment on patreon but Khadijah was far too kind at acknowledging "flashes" of Clays 'maturity' . Clay did everything to communicate that he was NOT a husband and had no intention on being one . I mean, he didn’t even know he got a wedding band at the wedding..😳 hes a 30Yr old Entrepreneur who doesnt understand that ? Although i feel bad for AD, i do remember her saying “when I see a red flag , I paint my nails red” . So there’s that . I truly believe she was really attracted to Clay and he appeared to have his “life” together; and all of the things that were cautionary signs, she put it on herself to be patient with. I believe AD has dated several Clay’s , but this one she was just attracted too more . I’m more shocked that people wanted to see a ‘yes’ just because they wanted AD to be happy ,but the NO was the result I was rooting for . The man said “I know you’ll fight for me” seconds after saying no to marriage seconds earlier . He’s a delusional sociopath . And that’s from a straight black male who’s about to be married .. I’ve seen “Clay”my whole life and they always get the girl they want and don’t won’t . The results are the same.
He wanted AD to dump him so he could look like a good guy.. that’s why he kept letting her know he’s not the one.. and even though he wanted AD to dump him, he still wanted access to have sex with her.. smh just gross to watch him play that game in her face
This is it!! I’m so shocked at Khadija’s reaction to Clay and Ad’s relationship, and at the hundreds of people who either wanted Clay to say yes or were convinced they were endgame. I’m trying to decipher the psychology of it all. In the Black community, is it the result of the popular ‘struggle love’? For non-Black people, I’d it because they don’t uphold the same standards of love for their Black peers than their own?? I can’t help but wonder how people would have reacted if Clay or AD were yt? Idk…
Honestly, i am glad someone is saying it. Rooting for AD and Clay is rooting for struggle love. AD needs to be held to account just to much as Clay. Her tearful ending could have been very much avoided 😅
@@eniola5088 Absolutely ! He gave her every opportunity to be ALARMED. I recall her saying she had gone to therapy for being in this constant dating loop of doing the same thing over and over . It’s no shot to AD but I think considering her being a former NFL Cheerleader and working in nightlife , it’s exposing her to a certain “type” that feeds into the very cycle she would like to break .
Anyone with sense/ experience knew this wasn't going to work out. Clay is a walking red flag who clearly has some deep trauma around relationships to work out, and AD, has a terrible picker. When her two picks were between Matt and Clay I knew it was a wrap for her.
The platinum blonde hair against your skin is just gorgeous ✨
Agree totally!! Cool tone hair and lights are making your skin look so rich and warm in contrast.
This whole look is 💥
Right, this is her color
manic pixie dream girl
being used by someone as a stepping stone towards their growth and betterment but it leaves you empty / near death
Very real women are supporting actresses to these unstable men
Yep, priming him for the girl next door
Him allowing her to be humiliated in that way is a major devaluation event. It’s traumatic for AD, but the sad thing is that it will probably cement her resolve to prove her value to Clay to prevent that sort of event happening to her again. It wouldn’t surprise me if they stay together and he continues to do this sort of thing to her in more subtle ways, and this keeps her on the hook trying to prove her worth and questioning her own intuition. Happens too often.
She allowed herself to be humiliated...It's not all on him, she is not stuck, she is a willing participant...
She has power too in this situation..
@@sufi8903 she didn't "allow" herself to be humiliated. She had her trust violated. He had every opportunity prior to the wedding to say he was not ready. But he had her believing that his growth through her was enough for him to marry her. She definitely SHOULD have seen the signs that he would treat her a certain way if they DID get married. But to say she "allowed" him to humiliate her absolves him of the responsibility to respect her enough to have such a serious conversation BEFORE making it to that point in front of both their families and national TV. I definitely think BOTH his parents enabled and encouraged this complete lack in accountability and respect towards AD (and probably any romantic partner in his life), just because he went through some ish. He's too old to be let off the hook like that, as is AD. But she didn't "allow" him to do anything.
@@teasharp "trust violated" how?? These people knew each other for less than two months...she's a grown smart woman, and too had a choice to make on whom to settle down with...
Why would any woman want to cajole a man they've know for a few weeks to marry them...
She kept volunteering to sacrifice herself, "I'm strong for the both of us, etc"...how is he to blame for her over performing in that short space of time..
As a woman, I can't blame a Clay for being a Clay...it's on us women to see things as they are and not what we want then play victim...
Even she said if it wasn't for her efforts, it wouldn't have worked...
She too could have left. @@teasharp
@@sufi8903omg bless you. This is the first sane comment I’ve seen related to this whole thing. I don’t know how anyone takes this seriously they’ve only known each other for a matter of weeks. How is everyone so emotionally invested is it all about a dress and a tv ceremony? Marriage is a big deal I wish people would respect it more
I agree with everything you're saying! But I'd like to add that domestic abuse does extend to emotional/psychological/verbal abuse.
I mean that’s the point of it
The most hurtful part of watching this was my friends’ reactions. They were looking for every opportunity to defend this dude throughout. Made me realize what that they accept and was so depressing. The bar is in hell in more ways and for more people than I thought.
💯
I think people want to think someone can change. That someone can be the best version of theirself because of them. With their help. Nobody is perfect and you won't find someone perfect but then going too far and putting up with someone who is constantly afraid they might cheat...
I mean.. that was sad. I felt bad for AD
"She has an esteemed position in the man's eyes. But that doesn't stop him from disrespecting her."
That about sums up my last relationship. I miss the good times, but I'm glad I'm out.
on top of men wanting to trade up when women age, if a woman becomes disabled in any way in the majority of straight relationships the man will leave her once she becomes disabled. if the man becomes disabled the woman is more likely to stick around.
The statistic of the how more likely men are to divorce their terminal cancer patient wives kills me inside a little - sooo sad, not all men but these numbers don't exist for no reason.
He was smiling, but there were instances when his face seemed to scream he was disgusted. He even shook his head no during the ceremony when they said their long path together and talked about her in the past tense. He knew he would not say yes; he never planned to.
My mom is a long-suffering wife and talks shit about him behind his back, yet still takes control of things, yet still refuses to leave because she “loves him”. This is despite how horrible he’s been and then acts as if doing the bare minimum is reason to be in my life. I won’t tolerate that kind of bs from ANYONE… man, woman, or anyone in between. Fck that long-suffering wife mess smh and afab enbies like us are affected by this type of misogyny and disrespect too.
As an aroace person I really appreciate the last part of the video because it touches on something that I/other aroace people have been talking about for a long time: romantic relationships are placed on a pedestal above other types of love to the detriment of those other types of love. I've seen it happen several times where former friends of mine will start dating someone and completely neglect the rest of the friend group, only to come back if the romantic relationship ends. It's really sad tbh, especially since that "tunnel vision" ends up hurting the romantic relationship too; it's just not healthy in general.
I think also because of that pedestal asexuality/aromanticism are unfairly viewed as "lonely" and I've had allosexual friends say that my lifestyle is isolating when it's not; I love my friends and I nurture that sense of community, it just looks different because our lives are decentered from romantic love.
this also goes hand-in-hand with hookup culture!!
@@krustomerExactly!
I love this comment, I finally feel understood somewhere. Literally all of my friends ditched me for their boyfriends when I've been in their lives for such a long time (and probably will be longer than their current boyfriends). I wouldn't feel as "lonely" as someone who's asexual if I wouldn't get ignored every time the people in my life find new romantic love.
Thank you. I’m demi/acearo flux and that’s always been my greatest fear if I ever get into a romantic relationship is getting isolated from my friends and family, especially when we make one of our own. It’s not about about one kind of love overtaking another. I need all kinds of love to thrive - take away one and I’m a shell of myself.
The worst part about this culture is it’s almost expected and practically endorsed (mostly for the woman/AFAB partner) that the social sphere’s gonna get reduced down to the nuclear family once you’re married/partnered/have a family. That’s the last thing I want in my life. I love my friends, my family, and my community and a future partner needs to understand that otherwise it’s not gonna work.
@@JuriAmariThanks for the perspective. It's scary to think about how women/AFABs are encouraged to center their lives around men, but it's also weird when I think about my personal experience. Growing up I spent a lot of time around my mom's social circle, and my mom was the one in charge of planning/organizing major events with extended family. It's a duality where women simultaneously maintain the family socially while also being told to neglect their other relationships.
“I am for women’s rights and women’s wrongs!!”
KHADIJA!! 🤣🤣🤣
That statement had me WEAK!!
Exactly....REJECTION IS A PROTECTION SOMETIMES
I think what’s interesting about this issue for me is the way that, as a lesbian, this is something I’m still constantly having to deconstruct from my being raised in this society. Society assumed I would be the long suffering wife to a man so many of my instincts and vibes around relationships come right back here every time.
Having this same struggle as a gay trans man
Another queer woman checking in here to say same, sis.
same here babes… it’s definitely been a long journey of deconstruction for me as a queer ex Mormon 🫶🏼
"The husband looks up, baldheaded and confused " paints SUCH a vivid picture😂😂
Majority of these Women go on these dating shows genuinely hoping for a love story. Men go on there to get more women & clout, never expecting a relationship to materialize. Producers are aware of this , the men are too. Women need to wise tf up.
I think AD went for the fame too but that’s just my opinion.
These women don’t get cast on the show if they do. The producers have to audition a lot of women who fit a very narrow bill, and being a hopeless romantic is on that list. This isn’t that compelling of a reality show if everyone on the cast doesn’t really believe in love.
Longsuffering wives stay because the pain of being alone and being seen without a man is far more horrific than enduring lies, cheating, total disrespect, disregard, lack of peace and being alone in a team of two. They need the man's presence to be validated as a living, breathing human.
Omg...this
This very much ignores the way many women get stuck in those situations due to financial and medical abuse. :/
I know a few women who have tried four and five times to leave -- and were threatened, sabotaged, and coerced (both by him, and by family members) into staying -- despite absolutely hating him -- because there is _literally_ no other place for the wife to go.
Not to mention, that, while the number of attempts to leave an abuser averages out at ten statistically; a STARTLING percentage of women... ESPECIALLY Black women... are just outright killed... either in the process of, or shortly after, leaving.
but...but hollywood movies taught me that if there is no STRUGGLE then it's not true love. 😭
Disney and Hollywood need to be sued for brainwashing 😭😭😭
Girl, that's Taylor Perry.
The Cardi B sped up rant is top tier 😂
“Can I get a hug” was SO CRAZY. What the hell bro???????
RIGHT 😭😭😭 i would’ve vomited right then and there. LMAO i can’t believe that happened
AD's grief was really bumming him out. He needed some support to get through it.
The AUDACITY
Listen, the “think of Clay as a baby” during their vows part took me OUT cuz I thought the sameeee thing! 💀 It was this way from the very beginning of them really dating, her always having to validate his ego 🥴
I’ve never understood the concept of struggle love. I’ve met quite a few women who have gone through this and it about kills their ability to be in healthy relationships. Giving a sense that a relationship isn’t “real” if there isn’t some sort of drama or suffering involved.
it’s a trauma response from a past wound…they only knew love through hardship so an easy love doesn’t seem “natural” to them. That’s why one needs therapy if stuck in this destructive cycle.
This is exactly it. I have friends who say that it "doesn't feel like falling in love" if the other person is emotionally available and open, actively invested in their wellbeing, honest, reliable, etc. Y'know. All the things a healthy relationship is SUPPOSED to be.
This is why I just cannot befriend male-centered women. Like do NOT come to me complaining about the same man more than once because if I say "leave him" and you make me the bad guy, I'm dropping you. Immediately.
They’re not searching for ways to end the relationship, if they were then “leave him” would be adequate (but obvious) advice. Which is probably why they dont take that advice, it’s obvious they know they can do that but it’s not what they want. They’re looking for how to make the relationship work. Obviously thats not always possible so thats when the person in the relationship needs to be honest with themselves. Im not sure why people are shocked that this isnt taken well when they give this advice.
@@Blub2coolEventually I’m just going to tell homegirl to let that man cheat in peace. My cousin gets cheated on regularly and comes back like shocked pikachu every time. I’m over the storyline because it’s repetitive at this point. Like how many times are we going to be shocked by the same behavior? I understand them not wanting to leave immediately, but I will never understand the repetitive dragging everyone into your bubble of misery. You got maybe 2-3x with before I start changing the subject.
@@sj3969 It takes someone in a bad relationship about 7 times to leave. I tried to break up with my ex 5 time before I actually left, and yes, I kept telling my friends the same things he did over and over again.
I didn't know how to leave. In the end my ex admitted to gaslighting me. Everytime I would break up with him he would react in such a way to make me stay on purpose (including pretending I never broke up with him and just keeeping the relationship going as it was).
I understand that this is really tiring for people who are from the outside looking in, but these situations are so complicated and if you're dealing with the wrong person they know exactly what to do and say to make you stay. I also started suffering from low self esteem throughout the relationship and I have no family members (if anything my family members had only taught me to endure abuse growing up, so my relationship was already "better" as I wasn't being abused)
Saaaaaame.
An element that is important to this discussion is colourism she’s a dark skin black woman who has been further marginalised by her light skinned counterparts so not only does societal pressure regarding marriage plays it part but culturally the struggle love narrative cuts that bit deeper.
It just hit me that LSW stands for Long Suffering Wife and not Licensed Social Worker 😂 I mean, that's essentially what the long suffering wife does for their partner lol
This is hilarious 🤣 and true
😂😂
My mother literally did all my dad’s paperwork, booked his appointments, balanced the financials and when he shook his empty cup - she would come to fill it! Literally his accountant, chef, social worker, bartender and waitress.
(She is now in her late 50’s and acts like a total teenager)
Facts! 😭🤣
I do love that you address the momma’s boy, because his mother forgave her husband and called him out in the end BUT did not address Clay’s actions and how he had a chance before hand to say something. How he had time before all those people came out and she walked sown that aisle to him. I do not want to bash her but she needs to hold him accountable and acknowledge that he is just as problematic as his father.
I think we need to just specify dv, verbal, mental, physical, or cheating instead of leaving out infidelity. That's definitely a form of abuse. How many of y'all are in therapy, taking sti meds, or actively not healing because you don't think a relationship where you got played left you with major issues?
I was raised in a Christian fundamentalist cult (the Independent Fundamental Baptist church). I am an AFAB enby, so I was required to wear skirts and dresses that went past my knees and shirts and dresses that covered my shoulders and any cleavage (which I had none because my abusive parents low-key starved my siblings and I).
I was low-key arrange-married when I was 19, to a man that I eventually did want to marry, but I didn't want to be in a relationship with him in the first place but felt pressured to because of my parents and fundamentalist society (anyway, it's a long story).
I was his "long suffering wife" for almost 3 years. He was abusive as well, though not as much as my parents. He treated me like all I was good for was being a pretty trophy on his arm and an obedient little wife in the kitchen (and eventually, mother, which fortunately never happened).
This man literally made me tie his shoelaces, so if that gives you any idea as to the type of person he is. He'd compare to "other women" and I'd try not to be jealous (honestly, I was more sad than anything) because I was like "oh he's just struggling/going through a hard time" -- looking back, he *totally* wanted me to be jealous.
Almost 3 years into our marriage, on his birthday, I called his mom and asked her how to make their home pizza recipe. I baked his family's homemade pizza and a peach pie for him because it was his birthday, and I wanted to do something nice for him (and in my family, it was a tradition to either take the birthday person out to eat their favorite meal or to make the birthday person's favorite meal that night for dinner).
Also, it took me like 5 hours to make all of this. By the end of it, I was so proud of myself.
Another thing, he had this whole "I don't like surprises" mindset which I realized later meant that he didn't like not being the one in control at all times.
So he gets home, and I show him what I did. And I am so excited and happy, and a teensy bit smug that I actually *did* surprise him for once (because he was very proud that I had "never managed to surprise (or impress) him," he was an entitled, unappreciative pos is what I'm saying).
But I thought it'd be fine because it was a *good* surprise, (it was not fine).
He said that because I "surprised him" and he "didn't like surprises," he threatened to take the keys to my car and go celebrate his birthday with his brothers while leaving me stranded at our place.
And I just broke down and started bawling because *I did all this for him because I just wanted him to have a nice birthday.*
And when I was really upset and explained this to him, he tried to backpedal and be like "oh I was just joking."
I left him 3 months later.
Girlies and AFABs of all genders: *know* 👏 *your* 👏 *worth.* 👏
(Edit: Oh my God, *YES,* my ex was a momma's boy.)
Holy SHIT!!! Glad you're out of that!
I'm so proud of you, stranger on the internet. So so glad u got out. Truly hope things are better now🙏🏻💞
@lemonline3719 *thanks!!!* Me too!
@mcgc93 thank you so much! Things *are* much better now, I have my bestie and my partner, and I was in therapy for a little while (had to stop because of trouble with insurance), but I'm *stable* now. 💜
Wow!! I’m so proud of you for getting out & look how far you’ve come 🫶🏻🤍
I don't have much sympathy for the "long suffering wife" toxic dynamic.. as someone who was raised by a woman fluent in this, and have aunts and cousins who have also chosen this path. You try to gently suggest they could move on, leave, find someone else, have boundaries, go to therapy... and all that endless complaining will become an impenetrable WALL of defensiveness of their (apparently wonderful all a sudden) partner.
Yeah, I'm having trouble with this one. My mom finally got out of that dynamic but my sister and my friend are both in it. I finally told both of them I'm not listening to their complaints anymore. If they want to make a better choice and need my support, I'm here. But I'm not gonna hear them bitch and moan and then watch them go do it all over again.
I had to go low contact with a friend because of this. The constant complaining but lack of action stressed me out.
I know this all too well, these women will complain non stop about their partners and when you come with solutions, they don't wanna hear it, I'm over it!
I'm not trying to victim blame but I feel like there comes a point when you have to take responsibility for yourself and those that have been forced to bear witness to and be part of your toxicity.
Well said
Giving sympathy at a certain point is just soothing their hurt enough for them to go back for more. I had a friend who became a completely different person, just fell into her man baby boyfriend and was only ever talking about how horrible he was. But then got mad at me when I agreed he was horrible and she should leave.
Then she finally left him and had the audacity to say "why did yall enable that, why didn't anyone say something?" I DID AND YOU GOT MAD BESTIE they do not hear it.
Ladies! If you could not see the obvious red flags in clay from the beginning and the deliberate bob the builder mentality that AD had/was ok with then I’m sorry you have more healing and evolution to do.
Exactly this!!! How could you miss that? 😅
AD strikes me as more of a Martyr. She said in the beginning she was willing to have men learn through being with her, or something like that. A weird, but deeply telling statement.
Facts!!!!
The saying "believe people when they tell you who they are" is true for AD,as well. She told us who she is. The nail painter, the red flag embracer, mother of all man babies ...
What did AD call herself? Fix-A-Ho? She knew what kind of trash she was buying.
Hunny 😂he was definitely NOT going to say yes. He been telling her and hinting for a min
That’s what I’m saying 😂 it’s not a shock at all and this is all for the best
🎯🎯🎯
I’m going to give the same advice I’d give myself, a best friend or my future daughter: stop positioning yourself as a puppy dog while dating.
You make yourself an easy target for predators when you have no boundaries and are too eager to please at the expensive of your well being
Men like this will always exist, it’s up to you to disengage immediately when you see it
my own mom is a lone suffering wife and omg. i'm breaking tf out of that cycle. i love my dad and all he's done for me, but he's not a good husband and it ruins the vibes for everyone, esp now that i'm older and see things clearly and my parents just don't gaf anymore. i'd rather be single
i really liked what you said about the nuclear family cutting us off from our community, I've had a similar thought for a while, in imagining my future, as a 20 year old, because what I don't like about the thought getting older, 30s/40s ish, is the idea that friends get so busy with their kids and partners that you rarely get to see them, I don't want to lose the close friendships that I have because I truly value them, yet it seems like an inevitability in the culture that we live in and what I have seen once people really form their own nuclear family.
I know that there are ways around this but it seems like a common reality for many people.
It really is a thing. I'm 42, have a child and I don't feel that should end your life. My original friends are largely unavailable. I survive by having a bunch of younger friends so I can continue LIFE.
You can refuse it.
We get to choose.
Sort of.
I'm hopeful that more people will begin to see all that's wrong with these dynamics.
This is bizarre thing about U.S.A. culture. In Mexico the idea that you’re too busy with your husband and kids that you don’t see your friends and other relatives as much, is just not really a concept in Mexico. You’re friends, siblings, cousins, and other relatives are so integral to raising your kids.
I’m also in my early 40s. I don’t have kids, but I love spending time with my friends who have kids. I enjoy celebrating those times with them, even as we age. Don’t worry so much about how your friendships will change 20 years from now. Instead focus on keeping and maintaining the friendships you’re creating now. Not everyone will be around, but you can work on maintaining relationships with the people that make it easy.
I just broke up with my partner and dealing with a lot of emotions. words can't say how much I needed to hear this. I see I was headed directly towards being the long suffering wife.
Maybe it's not DV from the jump, but that emotional abuse?? Puts the "sufferin" in "long-suffering" for sure. Both society and men are aware of their benefit in that relational power imbalance-- women as Madonas and martyrs for their families no matter the disrespect. She can start off a queen keen to pour into a committed partnership, but as she ages and attaches, and he neglects and cheats, he whittles her to nothing. And then maybe he hits her, or locks up her finances, or not. But she's at the mercy of his benevolence because society affords her no other thriving foothold.
Good thing I'm planning to stay single, there is no way I'd ever go through with this
Same❤️🩹 the amount of emotional labour some men expect from women in relationships is insane.. being able to have genuine peace in a comitted relationship as a woman seems like a luxury
I'm afraid of ending up on either side of a relationship like this, having seen examples of it from my own family. I'm aroace, so at most it would be a QPP, but my disability complicates matters and I don't want to be a burden on someone else.
lol same I have a literal fear of marriage because of this, it’s literally like once you’re ‘locked in’ it’s necessary and expected to endure anything and everything that happens even if it’s clearly wrong.. 😟
I remember my ex told me, when talking about his dad, “my mother says she’s the only woman who can deal with him”. Yet, he was somehow lost on the negative effects of patriarchy. YOU SAID IT THEN AND THERE, FRIEND! I think he rejected a lot of the ways men were painted because he didn’t want to believe that his father wasn’t that great of a man outside of what he provided. That whole family was a mess.
I watched “Damsel” on Netflix and the movie talks to the concepts discussed here.
The Sacrifice. Betrayal. Deception.
Omg the hubby and I are watching that later today. I'm so ready. It looks like a fever dream but those themes are evident and I'm excited to see how the movie explores them.
Yes! It was a bit triggering but so important.
I watched it too. It was just the girlboss movie I needed.
Oh let me go watch it then!
GORGEOUS makeup and hair, always but today the glow is breath-taking. In front of that harsh red and black painting with the stark white wall, the blonde hair and the black shirt. Chef's kiss.
This!!! For a moment all I focused on was how gorgeous Khadija looked!!!❤
I’m a first time subscriber and I couldn’t stop staring at the platinum blonde against her skin and I hate platinum blonde but she so pretty with it
We’re often taught that nothing worth getting comes easy. We’ve often been told about Grandma & grandpa dealing with stuff like cheating, alcoholism, secret families, and domestic violence. Hell in our community; destruction sells, whether it be conflict or romance. We have so many songs glorifying toxic romance. Mostly because both parties are young and attractive, and the sex is said to be so good. Basically, struggle love has been sold to us as the bees knees for decades. Afterall, what’s life without conflict? It’s boring, right? And in relationships, who wants to be bored?
They don’t respect the women suffering. If you invest in yourself you have nothing to lose.
It's alarming how people put up with a dysfunctional, toxic, unhealthy relationship like some badge of honor or hoping to be rewarded with their partner's love and loyalty. That is scares me.
I don’t know how AD took this man seriously after he said he WITNESSED his father cheating all the time. The man literally only ever taught him how to cheat! I would’ve ran off that. I never got the feeling she understood how serious that was.
The nails 💅🏾& the hair! 👩🏾🦳 this is a look, this is a VIBE 🔥
Oh hell no there’s no man who’s gonna be baby when I’m in the picture. I don’t think I’m chill with men being “the baby” in patriarchy.
Agreed. it seems to suggest that if we're gonna have that hetero split, women get the emotionally mature half and men can just not deal with that, ever. Just make money.
It's become too normalized. I'm reminded of those Daily Whiner clips where the men practically brag about being unable to feed themselves, clean up after themselves, or do anything else around the household. It wouldn't surprise me if they also call their wives to wipe them when they're done in the bathroom.
@@FrozEnbyWolf150 yes, it’s giving ✨adult toddler✨
I just think that because we are all socialized in patriarchy, there are some things I just won’t do as a woman because I know my programming will have me exploited. It doesn’t matter how much work I do on myself because in a relationship you have a whole other person with their expectations and needs.
But I'm kind of a baby all the time, in or out of a relationship. I don't clean or cook for myself; my apartment is a mess and I pretty much only eat fast food. My ex complained about the "adult baby" thing but that's just who I am lol
@@sainttrai it’s great that you have that self awareness, I hope you also understand that it would be unhealthy for another adult to partner with you though, unless you never cohabitate
I don’t say this with judgement; my mental illness has me living the same way a lot of the time. I don’t cook but I have learned to keep my space clean. I spend my grocery money on healthy snacks like fruit and mixed nuts instead of ingredients that will go bad and junk food. I’m learning to be self sufficient. At the age of 35.
Tia Mowry and Cory Hardrict definitely came to my mind in this conversation.
Part of me is afraid Tamera also is but I'm praying I'm wrong 😪
both clay and his dad are insanely self-absorbed. i noticed that throughout this process, he barely asked anything about her and all of their conversations were about how clay thinks that cheating is hereditary and that he needs therapy. their conversations are never about her because he doesn't value her and she doesn't even want to realize that!
same thing with his dad, he made clay's wedding ABOUT HIM. clay needs to want to break the cycle of trauma or it will be passed down his bloodline.
for a long time my boyfriend and i needed to work past certain discomforts, since i'd been in a cycle of repetitive, awful, abusive relationships for the prior four years. it took us a month or so to actually kiss on the lips. and there's still so much more i can't do, and stuff he can't do, due to our separate previous traumatic experiences. despite all of this, we make it work, and we love each other more than anything.
“Im for women’s rights and for women’s wrongs, ok?” 😮 it’s in my pocket for later
there’s this Alanis Morissette lyric
“i don’t want to be your mother - i didn’t carry you in my womb for 9 months”
that came to mind with a lot of scenes with Clay.
clearly he is actually seeking a nurturing guide, rather than an actual romantic loving relationship. - that’s what therapy is for lol. he’s so chronically insecure it was almost painful watching AD seemingly wilfully suffer through it all.
It was so sad seeing the broken and defeated look on AD’s face when he came to her dressing room after. i hope she’s learnt she doesn’t need to be someone’s mother or a shoulder to cry on.
Fences is such a good movie of a long suffering wife. Viola Davis’s monologue when they were standing outside behind there house. Ughhhhh omg
I think the reason I liked AD and Clay the most out of the relationships, was because of how sweet and genuine AD is.
The other girls made jokes with their partners sexualising AD, and she was so patient with it - even though they never apologised. She even spoke to Ann Marie to hear her side as a human being and Ann Marie was so rude to her.
AD deserves so much better, she gives and she gives and I hope she finds someone who gives as much as she does 😢
AD took love is blind literally. I wasnt rooting for any of the couples. Most, probably all were there for clout.
i thought johnny and amy were sweet. hope they work out (he really needs to learn more sex ed tho)
@@farquaadsbestie2977 yea they seem genuine or at least a normal couple. Also I hope Amy doesn't concede to birth control tho. But it's their relationship 🤷🏿♀️.
AD needed love to be blind...if you walk around feeling undeserving of love, never been picked, always over performing...you need to rush someone to the alter asap to overlook whatever the rest have been rejecting..
Idk about yall but struggle love is all I've ever seen. So it's hardwired to be attracted to it. The goal is for me is to unlearn that unhealthy attraction.
Love this video. I thought all love was struggle love, even after I met someone where things were peaceful and good the majority of the time. For a long time I actually questioned if what we had was real, literally because we weren't fighting constantly.
Real love is the love you're willing to fight for but doesn't force you to ❤️
GIRL lmao How did you thought clay would say yes? That man was saying the entire time "I'm not ready for marriage. I'm a cheater". Even when he was excited, was always about the show or her body. Even his damn vows were about himself
No way he full out said im a cheater 😂😂😂
A man doesn't have to be poor to have a poor wife.
It doesn't get talked about nearly enough. But a lot of the "stable" and even "rich" men that women are encouraged to seek out, will buy gifts and show out BEFORE the marriage, and then deeply restrict household spending -- even to the point of closing you out of accounts or cutting off your access to healthcare or other services that he has on lock, under HIS name -- AFTER the marriage.
There are many women I've commiserated with who literally wind up physically disabled due to the *purposeful* long-term medical neglect of these men. And hell: my father, despite enjoying himself with daily steaks and new car after new car; still had my mother so financially shut down, that she was compelled to sew curtains in order to keep me clothed throughout elementary school.
What this teaches us is that even if you do everything you can, even if you try to please the man and the patriarchy, you're still not gonna win. Might as well drop it and do what you want I guess...
When you said "you're the best boy" I came to two stark realizations in a jarringly short amount of time:
It was really nice, and.
I need therapy.
Beyoncé is also long suffering 😂
Khadija, I’m only 13 minutes into this video but I just have to say you are so eloquent. I am consistently impressed by (and a little envious of😅) your ability to express your complex ideas and opinions with concise and digestible language. Seriously, you’re one of the best video essayists on the platform, so glad I found your channel
Girl what da hell you ate with expressing yourself in this comment as well ❤ As you can tell I have trouble eloquently expressing myself 🤣
I think humans are capable of long term "in love" that isn't boring. It's just that most people are too dysfunctional, don't understand healthy relationship dynamics, and many don't wind up with the right person partly because many people put on an act when dating.
I can think of two couples who had been married 20 years or more who still acted like they were infatuated. With one couple the man and wife stared into each others eyes a lot lol.
Rage is sacred and validddd but YES BOUNDARIES
The things he described about what he liked about AD was always the things she did for him rather than who she was as a person :/
Watch them come out at the reunion as a couple
Argh! I know! I would hate that, and yet I'm totally expecting it. Don't do it, AD!
28:19
And a LOT of people actually want struggle love. To be the provider or the recipient. And they don't be knowing but the moment a man asks me to do something I really don't want to do with the implied "but I did xyz for you..." I kno he on some bs
my boyfriend's mom was the long suffering wife for about 26 years. He cheated on her even when she was pregnant with my boyfriend, their first son. Literally had children in other countries, multiple women at the same time. They have broken up, but she... needs a lot of therapy which she is not willing to get. She has somewhat turned her situation around, now being the aggressor in her new relationship (literally to a point of DV), her teenage daughter being forced to protect her boyfriend from her and call the cops... it's just so sad how much TRAUMA this type of relationship, this type of abuse, causes for the entire family unit.
Can we really about the parents constantly bringing up their 25 year TRASH marriage? Shit was mind boggling! Like, what’s 25 years if faithfulness was never part of the equation? Their marriage literally meant nothing.
You look stunning Khadija omg i love this look
I’m questioning your judgement fr if you thought AD and Clay were in a nourishing and loving relationship 😂 it was so one sided and performative
21:55 the sad part about AD’s speech, is that the pouring into that she was doing for Clay will never be reciprocated. It’s really a sad state of affairs to see somebody acting in good faith in a relationship and the other person involved is disconnected or disinterested in fully immersing themselves in the relationship or being committed. I personally think that LIB and other shows like it are inherently unethical because people are thrown into a pressure cooker with a lot of emotions, and they are also cut off from their support group and put in precarious situations and then expected to “ choose their person”. I personally do not believe that Clay has demonstrated anything so miraculous to warrant the kind of speech that AD provided him with.
Why is it that a healthy long term romantic relationship always gets boring, but this doesn't automatically happen to other healthy long term relationships?
Desire doesn’t stay the same but somehow it’s expected but a lot of ppl fail to transform when the desire isn’t there anymore and then they feel like something is missing
I think they mean the romantic chemistry fades, and becomes more like friendship. which isn't what you want in a relationship, otherwise you'd marry your friends. a lot of romantic desire is based on novelty, excitement, exploration, spark and just being enchanted with another person. for most people that spark isn't bright enough, so it burns out, especially with increased familiarity. there are a lot of couples who've managed to retain to romantic spark, they just made sure the chemistry was deep enough I think.
For me, when I was looking at what I wanted in a relationship, I wanted consistency, I wanted something stable. My life is constantly moving, and I wanted that to be the area of my life that was constant. And that’s exactly what I got, I’m almost a year into my current relationship and things are just chill. They’re not boring in the slightest, and just being around them excites me but it’s a constant, I know they’ll always be there and that’s very comforting. I think it’s reassurance and comfort more than it is ever boring. And I think if you find the right person it will never be boring because honestly, with my partner, my favourite moments with them are the mundane, where it’s just us alone being our most authentic selves. From the outside it might look boring but inside, that deep unmovable connection is never boring. Plus I have raging adhd so there is never a boring moment lmao. Also we were friends for 3 and a half years before we got together so that definitely helped.
I'm through menopause. The forums and sites are full of present and former long-suffering wives now unable to continue pushing their feelings aside. Turns out all that dysregulation we can enter into around perimenopause stirs up a lot. Glad I spent time in therapy when I was younger, because this phase of life is forcing me to look very closely at my relationships, and I'm having a relatively easy time of it.
I didn’t watch the show but I’m glad to see you talking about this, I feel like it’s a sister problem to toxic masculinity. I want a woman who keeps me accountable and feels loved not one who is there because she feels like she has an obligation to be.
I will say that while I agree that the nuclear family ends up isolating couples from their social support, I don't think that's an issue with romantic relationships at all! I think it's an issue with people defining their romantic relationships in accordance with societal expectations, instead of what they want and feels right.
As someone who is not straight, not cis, not religious but from a religious family, what's societally expected feels so wrong that I basically have to re-examine every societal expectations relating to love and family and then re-define it to be something that nourishes me.
On top of that, the fact that my family is not accepting of LGBT people in the slightest means that I found my own family in my closest friends.
And so, when I meet people, with or without the intention to date them, I'm always upfront that my goal has always been to move in with my best friend, and to move in with my future romantic partner if possible. My best friend, of course, was also welcome to do the same and to have a partner that could live with me and mine. And ideally, because we have gay friends who may one day come out to their families and end up estranged, I've always been inclined to getting a home with spare rooms so that any of our friends can always have a bed to sleep in for as long as they want or need.
And now with my boyfriend of 5 years (and my bestie has been with their partner for 4 years), we're planning our future and lives together around that. We are so enamored by the idea of cohabiting and surrounding ourselves with people that we want to be around and choose to nurture everyday, and people that we have been choosing to nurture for years now.
Our romantic relationships have just added new people to this circle, and are an additional support for us, the same way we try to be for them. We're all friends with each other and all love each other to varying degrees. And I think that our romantic relationships have grown our community instead of isolating us because we choose to let it, instead of following societal expectations for a nuclear family living alone in a home
I am someone with very strong boundaries because in the past I had dangerously weak ones (granted I was quite young ~18y/o). My now boyfriend and I have been together for 10 months. When we started dating he had just gotten out of a ~6 year relationship and he and his ex were very immeshed and he was not practicing any intention of self actualization or really intentional relationship building with anybody in his life at that time. Was sort of just going through the motions. We have developed a deeply intentional, patient and loving bond even though I was much more head strong at the start (which came with its own obstacles for both of us). Through my example I have taught him a lot about how to establish and communicate boundaries. Through his example I have learned patience and to be calm. He has taught me how to pause. It’s been beautiful, for us both.
2:37 cackling at “Taurus.” “Aw, never mind.” *click 😂😂😂😂
The problem here is that it's not necessarily bad to hold your partner down, lift them up, be committed to them with your SOUL, but you have to find someone who does that exact same thing for YOU. That's wherein the trouble lies.
Any time I heard Clay and AD talk about why they loved each other it was all about him. She would say she trusts him and that he's an amazing man and he would say that he grew so much and that she was there for that. I mean, come on! The way I kept screaming "but what does he do for YOU! What does he pour into YOU!"
You can't give and give to someone who never gives back and expect to not come up empty. You have to find someone who pours into you as much as you pour into them, that creates an infinite loop where you will never run out.
I definitely read LSW as licensed social worker but 😭😭
Im for womens rights and womens wrongs❤ Thank you algorith. New sub
Clay was never going to commit. He was saying the ‘right things’ along the way because he was concerned with his personal branding
I truly appreciated your commentary. I especially enjoyed the part about the intentionality of nurturing relationships. Relationships whether they are personal professional or platonic require reciproity.
Relationships require effort and consistency. Thank you so much for making that clear because so many people go into relationships thinking about only what they can get out of the relationship instead of seeing the person as a whole individual to be cared for and supported.