Tips for NTs in a relationship with a spouse or partner with ASD Level 1... ASD+NT Couples resources: --- Living with ASD - eBook and Audio Instruction for Neurodiverse Couples: www.livingwithaspergerspartner.com/ --- One-on-One Skype Counseling for Struggling Individuals & Couples Affected by ASD: www.adultaspergerschat.com/2019/07/skype-counseling-for-struggling-couples.html --- Group for ASD Men Struggling in Their Relationship with an NT Spouse: www.adultaspergerschat.com/2020/11/group-for-asd-men-struggling-in-their.html --- Group for Neurotypical Women Struggling in Their Relationship with an ASD Spouse: www.adultaspergerschat.com/2020/11/group-for-nt-women-struggling-in-their.html --- Online Group Therapy for Neurodiverse Couples Affected by Autism Spectrum Disorder: www.adultaspergerschat.com/2020/10/mark-hutten-m.html --- Recovery from Cassandra Syndrome - Counseling for Neurotypical Spouses: www.cassandrasyndromerecovery.com/2021/08/recovery-from-emotional-deprivation-for.html --- ASD Men’s MasterClass: www.asdmasterclass.com/2022/02/asd-mens-masterclass.html Parenting resources: --- Preventing Meltdowns and Tantrums in Children with Autism Spectrum Disorder: www.autism-meltdowns.com/ --- Discipline for Defiant Teens on the Autism Spectrum: www.myaspergersteen.com/ --- Launching Adult Children with ASD Level 1: How to Promote Self-Reliance: www.launchingadultchildren.com/ --- Teaching Social Skills and Emotion Management to Kids on the Spectrum: www.social-skills-emotion-management.com/ --- Unraveling The Mystery Behind Asperger's and High-Functioning Autism: aspergers-mystery.blogspot.com/ --- Parenting Children and Teens with High-Functioning Autism: www.high-functioningautism.com/ --- Parenting System that Reduces Problematic Behavior in Children and Teens with ASD Level 1: www.myaspergerschild.com/2019/07/parenting-system-that-reduces.html
As a person who’s autistic, but has also learned to put themself in others shoes, all I have to say is that autism is NEVER an excuse for abuse. Period. It doesn’t matter what the excuse is. There are too many people who are hurt in relationships because their asd spouses meltdowns are too violent and they won’t seek help. It can also be frustrating when an asd spouse only ever talks about themselves, but never asks their partner questions, or reciprocates. I feel like there should be relationship skills classes offered for autistic students in school so that they have a chance to learn early. I had to learn through harsh criticism, but I listened, and it helped me become a better person who can treat family and friends right.
Very well put. I taught myself skills before I even knew that I was autistic (am 47 now, diagnosed at 46). Taught myself emotional regulation. Techniques, and (I have never ever put my hands on anybody) exited a room to meltdown in my room with the door closed if one was going to happen. I also taught my self ways to improve my relationship skills (especially with my boyfriend.) We recently found out that he is autistic too and we work on our relationship together. When we need to we explain something, not make an excuse.
That is beautiful. Unfortunately, most men . Aspies or not, have a tendency towards selfishness.. if by any chance they also have low self-esteem , being an aspie without deep therapy is a bad bad combination
I did too and I need to say this. I'm great with emotions now but it burns me out. It's draining. So I'm way more connected to my family as a friends AND I need a lot of time away from them. Our brains are our brains and doing something that goes against our physical makeup takes a lot out of us.
I'm a high functioning Autistic female and these anxious moments are constant and apply to me too, I am 37 and never had a relationship because I don't know how too, even in everyday life this happens always. It also hurts for us neuro-diverse people, we are utterly saddened by this too. We absolutely wish to be better, we really do.
My god, I am listening to my life with my husband dictated back to me. I am being reminded of incidents that have happened that I have suppressed because they were to difficult to understand or deal with at the time. But yeah, this is my life with my husband. Just listening to this makes me feel less crazy.
Even when I am clear, concise, direct and concrete, my male AS husband cannot seem to understand at all what I am saying to him. It is crazy-making. I don't think I will ever succeed in having effective communication with him. I have anxiety, too, not just him. It doesn't seem fair that I am supposed to learn, grow and change in order to try to improve our relationship while at the same time accepting that he cannot change any of his behaviour. The work is all one-sided, and it's exhausting, and it's hard to get anywhere with it. It's beyond frustrating and it feels unfair. We don't have children, and I certainly don't want to have to play Mommy to him for the rest of our lives together.
Wow this is sooooo my situation ( except I do have children )....I've just accepted that I'm alone it's easier than hoping for change that can never happen.
Agreed.. my NT ex of 8 years can't deal with it because her law of affection is by acts of service.. I lack that the most and she doesn't understand why or even how someone can't show empathy.. I have lots of empathy.. I just don't know how to express it.. I was never shown empathy as I had an introverted sociopathic mother and an extroverted narcissistic father. I was diagnosed ADHD when I was 8 and now I realized I also have Aspergers.
unfortunely I have same problem with an AS. I speak as clear and simple as even possible but there is no understanding anyway, its like talking to a closed box. Putting hours into explaining the logic over and over repeatedly, sometimes works, but is extremely exhausting for something that takes 5 min to understand by a NT.
@@naad2647 That's where your problem lies.. you dont understand him as much as he doesn't understand you.. frustrating for the AS man as much as it is for an NT woman.. try this.. explain with FACTS rather than FEELINGS.. and you'll see a bigger difference.. funny you say you explain with logic.. AS people are ALL ABOUT LOGIC.. if it doesn't make sense we will refute until we are red in the eyes.. just because it's exhausting to you doesn't mean he's dumb for not understanding.. goes both ways.. NT understands NT as much as AS understands other AS people.. autism is a trait.. not a disorder.
I have autism, and the right therapist helped me sooo much. My relationships, and my ability to see from different perspectives, have improved so much. I worry less, and I stopped over-analyzing so much, most of the time. I've even gotten better at handling social overstimulation and overwhelm. People with autism NEED therapy to function in a neurotypical world. Finding the right therapist took years, but it was so worth it.
It is a very difficult relationship. They can act “normal” in the beginning, but as time goes on, you will deal with a lot of hard times. I’m all alone with nobody to talk to that doesn’t want to only talk about himself. With this stay at home Coronavirus stuff, it is exceptionally hard.
My husband and I have been together for 7.5 years. No issues, not one conflict or fight, happy relationship. We had our first conflict and he completely shut down, melted down, and now insists on divorce. I had no idea that autism was so difficult for relationships, but it is absolutely mind boggling.
This explains SO MUCH. Oh my god. No wonder he's forever talking about the worst things. It drives me crazy because he brings up the same things over and over and over again. And he'll explode at something innocuous I say or do and I'm totally blindsided. It makes me feel better to know where it's coming from, but it also makes me want to cry because I feel like it will never end.
Yay, sounds so fun for us. Ironically, the after affects of having to maneuver a relationship with an Asperger‘s partner when you are a neurotypical woman tends to lead to the same outcome that maneuvering a relationship with a narcissistic partner does. Gaslighting, and extremely troubling mental health issues. Cassandra syndrome is very real. Regardless as to whether or the not this behavior is intentional, the result it has on the NT partner is the same.
I’m sure there’s an overlap between narcissism and autism. I’ve read papers saying that often you’ll find both disorders running in the same family. Everyone is an individual though and maybe people with autism who come from more nurturing, healthy families end up appearing less narcissistic in their own adult romantic relationships. I think temperament of individuals varies a great deal too and will dictate how severely the ‘selfish’ traits are apparent in those with autism. Remember, autism literally means ‘self’.
@@deborah8788 every guy Ive been with have been very arrogant mixed with super insecure and have shown traits of autism..this cant be a mistake. Those docs are right.
Lol "Cassandra Syndrome" is pseudo-scientific nonsense that basically describes a possible result of being with someone who doesn't emotionally reciprocate very well which can happen BOTH WAYS in any relationship, it doesn't compare to a narcissist who actively, sadistically and cognitively hollows you out to convert you to secondary narcissist supply, it's like comparing a mosquito bite to getting your armed chopped off. All of the people who make this comparison sound like they themselves are incredibly narcissistic or, at best, ignorant bigots.
I'm an Aspergian who suffers from severe relationship anxiety and relationship OCD. Understanding all this research makes me feel very hopeless. So even if I feel genuine love for somebody in the beginning, my whole being will eventually turn them into a task and get bored with them. I have no intention to be like this. And I don't want to stay like this. However the feelings are too strong and cannot be hidden when they do come. They show themselves beyond my control. If there is ever a way to stay in love and present with somebody, I choose that. I just don't know the solution for now. It seems like a fairy tale. The thoughts of this stir anxiety, self hatred, and depression. Seeing everyone's testimonies, I know I don't want to do that or become that for somebody. We are out of touch with our emotions and out of control of our own behaviors and thoughts.
Thank you for this. I was just ghosted by my partner of 2 years seemingly overnight when he got bored. The change in him has left me with the equivalent of a psychological traumatic brain injury. I now have severe anxiety and trust issues and feel emotionally raped even though I still love him. I almost committed suicide just last week as it has ripped open all of my childhood wounds and nothing is helping the pain lessen. Your compassion, which he doesn’t have, is a breath of fresh air. Your caring for others not to suffer and you validating the experience on the other side in such a kind way is the hug I really needed right now. 🙏🏻
@@katsigal I'm sorry for what you've been through. It's sad to say asperger relationships go from one person needing therapy to two. My last relationship taught how bad I can unknowingly hurt somebody when I'm just being and not even intending to communicate negativity. It also taught me my own boundaries that i need to set to prevent high stress breakdowns. Frustration with myself and lack of understanding of myself triggered my partner. She received my Frustration with myself upon herself and took it personally. I'm not looking for anything else until I can get some therapeutic help and self reflection.
@@katsigal I'm so sorry for your pain, that is an awful thing to go through 😥Please know you are so valuable & loved. I understand the pain of childhood wounds and abandonment/rejection... it's incredibly painful. Prayers for Jesus' peace over your hurting heart ♡ He can heal all wounds.
@@kylieg787 Look, I know you mean no harm but the illogical Jesus stuff is exactly what we DON'T need. It makes no sense at all. We need solid tactics, directions, steps. The Jesus love business is meaningless to me, and to my Aspberger's boyfriend too. Keep it to yourself.
@@ShakepearesDaughter You're right, we do need all that as well. I respect your view and ask that you please be respectful of mine. We do not have to try and shut each other down when we disagree on something. It is fine to let others share their beliefs. My belief is that there is nothing our hearts need more than Jesus' love and I hope everyone gets to experience it. It is not illogical... in fact I would likely be dead right now had God not given me logical steps to take when I was seriously ill several years ago and the doctors weren't sure what to do. He saved my life... and He helps me in all areas of my life. I won't stop sharing Jesus' love, that would be selfish of me to keep something so wonderful to myself. Bless you and I sincerely wish you all the best 🌼🌼
My partner and I are both neuro divergent, I just want to say there is a difference between dealing with autism and dealing with abuse. There had to be concessions made, but it has to be made together, from both sides. Autism isn't an excuse for abuse, a diagnosis should be a tool to help understand yourself or your partner understand you. My partner and I talk about communication before emotional things come up. We discuss how we're going to talk about things while we're calm and we don't have an immediate problem staring us in the face. We have made a deal that if I need to talk, I'll pick one issue, we'll come up with a time to talk about it, and I'll keep my time to 10 minutes to explain my point. He has made the deal that he will give me his attention for that entire 10 minutes, and if he needs time to think about what I've said he will set a time in the next few days to talk about his side. If he needs to talk to me, his concession is that he will bring it up right away before he is upset. He has a tendency to try to supress his emotions so he'll stew on things until it's too much and he explodes. So as soon as something bothers him, no matter how small, he will bring it up to me and I will respect that and take it seriously. It takes effort from both people
As a high-functioning autist, I have been watching and reading a lot on the topic, rarely the mental health professional captured the autistic experience this well! Thanks!
The video narrates my life. Because of him I have anxiety, and sometimes feel desperate for a hug or deep conversation. I wish I knew about this earlier. Now I realized he would never change. Specially because he has no intention to change or get any sort of help.
@@maybesomedayperhaps1 hi, I left my ex husband and I just saw my comment Is from 2 years and a half ago. It was hard but I started going to church, took therapy and made christian friends. It took me over two years to heal but I am happy today. I am now ready to start dating. I was married for 9 years and we didnt have kids. I left the house after an argument and he went away on Vacation so I went home and got my stuff. After a month he came back to my new place and acted like if everything was normal but I asked questions that he did not bother to answer and I didnt want to reconcile without talking about our issues. He never bothered to reconcile again and moved on with his life traveling, women, weed, etc. I detached from him and didnt bother finding out what was going on in his life. I am sorry you are going through this but you need to take care of your mental health and remove yourself from situations and people that are harmful to you
@@maybesomedayperhaps1hi, I left my ex husband more than 2 years ago and this video helped to understand what I was dealing with. It was a tough decision and I still love him but learning to live without him. My happy days now last longer and nobody out of nowhere disrupt my peace. 4 months ago is when I was able to get my own place after living with my parents for a year and everything was going well but I was worried that something bad will happens because I got used go the caos with him. It took me a while to understand that the danger was over. I havent date yet. It takes a while to heal and find yourself after being abused and neglected for so many years. We were married for over 9 years. Luckily we didnt have kids. Wish you the best
@@maybesomedayperhaps1 I totally feel the same way, it's been nearly 2 years and I don't think I can do it anymore. I feel starved of affection and attention. No reciprocity at all! He is so quick to say how he feels and he needs and wants and when I try and voice mine he shuts me down, he tells me it's BS. what I don't understand is it wasn't like this in the beginning at all it's like night and day. He says this is the longest relationship he has been in. I love him but its really not enough. He does try to be fair but hey I think I'm done
The HFA mate gets along well with everyone but his spouse. I thought my ex-husband was the most secretive person on the planet and then I dated another man who also ended up being on the spectrum. I couldn't understand why we had such a difficult time enjoying conversations until you explained their anxiety and fear of being made wrong. You have helped me on my journey to forgive them. Thank you for saving my life.
Wow, this is my marriage to a tee. We've been married 3 years and it wasn't until he got back into his special interest after Covid, that I realized that something was wrong. Any conversation about spending more time together is seen as a personal attack. His solution is that I should stop talking about my feelings. He isn't a mean person, which is why this has been so confusing. It's good to know what I'm dealing with at least.
Oh my God I'll make sense. Not trying to be mean just might be easier to be single. Now I know why it is feeling like I'm just raising my children by myself and raising my husband at the same time
Me too. I was physically abused by my NT ex partner for years. Bizarrely, even though my now partner (with ASD) has never hit me, I feel equally as traumatised by emotional abuse from as I did my physically abusive ex.
@@helenarichard but your boyfriend can train to be better able to negotiate and feel your nonsexual affection needs though. He might not always be able to accurately express his intentions via his face but he can learn to read yours.
Many of these tips I use with my seventeen year old son. I agree that anxiety is the most detrimental trait of hfa. We know when he is anxious and feeling "attacked" , we have to give him a moment (usually a few hours; maybe a couple days), to decompress and sort through information overload. Many times he has cried because his anxiety has gets the better of him. As his mother, I understand how to communicate with him and that the hurtful things he might say are because he speaks in the moment and it's not necessarily personal. But, I also won't lie that I don't wish that on a sweet girl he might one day want to have a relationship with.
Exceptionally true. Conversation is about them, their work, their special interests or interests at that moment. My ND spouse will ask me how my day was then wander the kitchen to get a snack. Whether I said “fine” or “awful”, he isn’t listening.
Aspie here. A big issue for some of us is that we are told our reaction to whatever people tell us is not good enough so we learn that it makes no sence to even try to care.
I respect and understand but honestly it truly seems hopless. Mine verbally abuses me when I cry and ask for a hug etc. I absolutely can understand their brains are wired differently but for the NT to basically have to carry the entire relationship and cater to the aspies triggers and the way they think isn't ok. It needs to be a team effort. It's a sad and lonely relationship but hard when you truly love them and honestly the child like quarks they have is what made me fall in love with mine. So innocent and fun loving at times but then vicious and callous the next min.
I’m just getting out of a 2.5 year off-and-on relationship with someone who this video describes perfectly. This relationship brought out the best and worst in me.. I never felt like he was fully “in it”. He never introduced me to family, never said he loved me back when I said it to him, never made time for me.. the simplest things I needed were regarded as being “too much”. He had other women in his life that he had been with sexually and talked to them daily.. he’d get mad at me for buying him things or doing things for him. Finally after him blowing me off after not seeing each other for 6 weeks, I flipped out and ended things. All the patience I had and putting my needs/feelings on the back burner just exploded. He agreed and said it was best if we called it off, which made it worse. I can’t ever live like this again..
Thank goodness you didn't have kids with him. I was engaged to an autistic male for 5 years and we had two kids and when I was pregnant with each one of them he cheated on me with the same girl. He would message every single girl that he has ever dated or had sex with all the way back to high school on the daily. It was so exhausting. And then he like left me overnight. I didn't even know we had a problem. Things were getting better. We were doing good and then he went and moved in with his brother. I told him being autistic doesn't give him the excuse to be a cheating piece of s***.
@@sds6303 I don't know and I feel guilty calling him a narcissist if he's autistic. I don't like to shame anybody for how they were born and I always just thought that maybe the reason he acts this way was because of his spectrum. I don't know. My son was totally worth it though. I do it all over again even with the heartbreak
It doesn't sound like asperger...sorry asperger men are usually never Promiscuous. They are actually very reliable and loyal one of the things that make us fall in love with them. . They like routine and consistency. Talking to other women would be Torture to an aspie. Sorry yours just sounds like a jerk ( consciously) . A realjerk . Not an asperger what makes aspies so difficult not to love is because you know they are clueless . You will also know an asperger because they can't hold eye contact for too long they hqve a hard time with hugs and touch. So having multiple women??? No not an aspie
Note for myself ☺️ 18:18 Amygdala and fight or flight. Always anxious and scanning for negativity... Goes on to talk about remembering past incidents but also feeling those negative feelings while doing so.
What a comfort hearing you lay it all out so clearly. Makes me feel sane and human again. It's been so painful for more than 2 decades and I reached the end of my rope this weekend. Your other video on the cycles of an NT wife was also very helpful. Thank you!
I need to re-listen to your this clip, so many nuggets here. I wish he would listen to you too, but he thinks there's nothing wrong with him and does not need to change.
@@SandraWade666 I won't leave because of my religious beliefs. So I became as stubborn about staying as he is about everything else. And I choose my battles, not everything is worth fighting over. Learned to major on the major and not let the tail wag the dog. Many times he also returns to peaceful calm once he doesn't feel backed into a corner, which means I had to change my tone and manner of communication with him. (All easier said than done. *roll eyes*)
@@SweetoesMay Not to sound unsympathetic, but you really want to stay in a marriage you're unhappy with, because of religion? Makes me glad I'm an atheist, frankly. No way would I stay in a miserable situation because I believe in some imaginary sky daddy. Or some arbitrary rules imposed on you by an outdated societal institution. In any case, he's not doing any of that to hurt you. Are you guys in counseling? I suspect my current bf is Aspie. I broke up with him because he was very blunt and rude to me, and I have PTSD, and it was triggering. However, I know he didn't mean to hurt. When I did some research on how to communicate with an Aspie, I changed my way of communicating with him, and it was very effective. I helped him come around to seeing my side, with logic, rather than with feelings. If your spouse was in a wheelchair, would you not adapt the house so he could get along better? I look at it that way.
@@SandraWade666 Thanks for your input, Sandra. Yes, I've adapted and changed the way I communicate with my husband, and the situation has improved over the years and the meltdowns occur less frequently now. Yes, understanding that he doesn't mean to hurt helps. Not always, but it does. And definitely I would not leave him if he ends up in a wheelchair, hence I can't leave him because he is an Aspie. Best wishes to you.
After 30 years of marriage to an aspie, and only recently realizing that he’s and aspie, I no longer view myself as a wife. In order to cope with the unbearable difficulties I now view myself as someone’s caretaker and its just a job. I cannot leave, it’s too late for that, we are seniors. If he didn’t have me around he’s going to be helpless, much like a child.
I don't understand how they can act like a regular guy when dating and also first couple of years of marriage but as he gets older, have come to realize he is just a roomer in my house. Very lonely.
32 years of frustration, leaving for 5 years and being guilt tripped into coming back and just now realizing what the problem is. He is undiagnosed and doesn't even know that he is on the spectrum. Our son was recently diagnosed at 26 but my husband refuses to believe this. Thank God my son doesn't possess the level of arrogance that his Dad has. God, where do I go from here. He has made me feel like I was crazy all these years. I thought he was just a controlling narcissist.
Sounds exactly like my situation. After 25 years or marriage, 4 years of in and off again, thinking I had serious mental health issues but they only showed up in the relationship now finally learning about this!!! I’m not crazy! Not sure what’s next but at least whatever I decide, it’s with full knowledge. Finally. Finally. The mystery has been solved.
I went through this for 12 years, even lived in a different country with our 2 children away from my friends and family. The mental and verbal abuse I endured has me so traumatized I haven’t dated in years. My son was diagnosed at an early age and I’m starting to see the same rude, antagonistic, gaslighting patterns as his father. I’m having a hard time with this because I don’t want to hate my own child as I do his father & if I was still living overseas with both my children and spouse behaving this way I would’ve offed myself or left the entire family there and never looked back!
@@a.graham3160 It sounds like your ex is a malignant narcissist. I had one like that. I also believe my one child is a narcissist. NOW I have an "aspie" and he's not mean, verbally abusive nor does he use gaslighting abuse. There are also many videos about how to heal from the trauma of a malignant narcissist. Take care of yourself.
I have really suffered,cried,felt empty for 33 years in marriage,I didn't know he suffered from this, until when I listened to this,I have persevered all forms of abuses n mental torture...my God where do I start. ,,,,oh God help me
@@marygraber825 he is definitely a narcissist. Arrogant and never wrong. We divorced in August. He blames me because our adult children want nothing to do with him. Every time they are around him he starts talking bad about me. I am finally free and the happiest I have ever been.
I feel like a line needs to be drawn between the AS/Autism and abusive behavior. I'm on the spectrum, so is my husband, so is my father. My father is exactly who is described in these videos. My husband started off very similar, but has gone to therapy and is changing. I am a little like this too sometimes, but I would never do the things that y'all describe spouses doing and I empathize heavily with having to mother a grown man. But the autism isn't what did this to them, a lack of expectations that they should have emotional intelligence did. We don't expect as much from men and boys as a society and it exacerbates the issues present in AS men/boys. Change is possible though and kudos to that mom/those moms in the comments who is/are teaching her/their son(s) to be better.
I feel this so much. I'm still a student but my boyfriend is on the spectrum. I have ADHD and I've also shown some symptoms of autism but never been diagnosed. My boyfriend and I are in a long distance relationship and I constantly have to mother him and give him this motherly patience. Every time I try to talk about issues in the relationship he shuts it down or says he's busy. I'm so exhausted and cry every day because I want to make the relationship work. I deeply love him but I don't even know if he feels the same for me.
Thank you! I'm reading some of these comments and I'm thinking wow, that's not a symptom of autism, that's abuse. My partner and I are both neuro divergent, and it takes a lot of communication and communication about communication. Talking about how we're going to talk about things when they come up. I have dealt with so many men especially that use a diagnosis as an excuse instead of a tool to better understand themselves. I have a little better understanding than an NT person, but it is still tough. But also it is no excuse for abuse
Yes, autists can learn emotional and behavioral skills development! The diagnosis is not an excuse for them to preserve their unlearned, unregulated behavior!
yes, I have a friend with asperger's who says there are two types of ASD people: nice people and jerks. The nice ones will listen when you point out their awful behavior and try to improve it because they don't want to be mean or rude, it just happens. The other ones (my two ASD parents included) will double down, project it back to you and try to accuse you of being the rude one. Kinda like narcissism.
@@cometasporelcielo The jerks does not always know that other people are not just too sensitive. Because that is the thought that comes to some of us. We think it makes no sense to be emotional about this?
But he doesnt learn no matter how many good strategies are practiced. I’m getting full of anxiety too because now I have to write down the problems and tackle them one at a time now I have to separate the one subject I have a list of problems that may take several months just to talk about but that doesn’t guarantee he is absorbing the info and working on making the change, cause it’s an attack to him, it never ends! Make an appointment? Is like walking in eggshells and yes the past never got resolved and this husband has been married before he told me “the first wife” was always attacking him then I hear him telling me that!!! Adding alcohol doesn’t make him easy to be around with. Drinking alcohol gives him relief but it makes things worst. Ugh I’m so frustrated! I want to walk away! I’m so glad I found this video thank you!
He doesn’t learn from experience, he blames others (ex-wife, now you…), alcohol makes him relaxed but also more talkative and thus even harder to deal with… you just described a typical ASD person. Painful 😓
Dated a person with high function autistic, it went from love gestures and bonding to "im sorry I don't feel nothing for you" in 8 hours, mind blowing it seems as they also mask a lot and its difficult to know anything, really exhausting even though i was really patient. I'm just glad we were not on something serious
The same thing happened to me. Sadly, i was in love by then. So I spend most days missing him and wishing he would be the way he was in the beginning, especially because we still keep in touch. It's really hard for NTs as well.
My son is on the spectrum- I talk to him EVERYDAY about social emotional intelligence.. I do not want his future girlfriend or wife not being able to navigate his spectrum. It’s easier to start teaching him as he’s young ( he’s now 14) then having to talk to his girlfriend 10 Yrs down the road.
Is your son seeing a professional therapist, one who specializes in autism? Is he involved in groups for autistic teens? Has he taken part in conferences, many of which are online?
Whaaaat? Helpful education intervention?? Nah, we should just electroshock torture them instead when they do something we don't like. (Just kidding of course, you are an awesome human for treating your son as a real human rather than cattle like so many others on the spectrum are subjected to)
Wow You’re a better Person than me. I wouldn’t wish at ND relationship on Satan at this point. I love my sons but I don’t want them to get married and don’t see myself being able to sit by and watch a DIL lose her life and dreams and spark like I have.
@@julieburck9613 Thats an extremely onesided opinion. Not everyone has an issue with autistic behavior and to assume that a relationship would ruin their SOs life is straight up insulting. I suggest watching some videos from "Autism on the Inside", While I can't speak for its factuality on all fronts, he talks about his perspective on many topics, including relationships.
I went to school, someone I met was working with a neurologist in a lab dealing with autism and one thing they saw a lot in autistic/aspergers was an issue with the regulatory mechanism for synapses connections between neurons. Typically there is a single connection between each neuron but something that happens in autism is you may have several repeat connections between individual neurons and that this does cause exaggerated signal amplification. They were working on trying to find a difference between low and high functioning autism by trying to see if it was the number of connections being too large to be functional or if intelligence affected/mitigated the effects of exaggerated signal amplification. What she and some people in the lab theorized was this issue with neuronal connection regulation is what causes issues with hyperfocus and anger issues in high functioning autism. External information has 10x the sensory overload causing lights to be brighter, sounds to be louder. The signal amplification overrides the typical regulatory mechanisms for things like filtering white noise. Usually the brain filters white noise because the signal sent from the ear is so low the lower end signals are intentionally filtered out because the signal isn't loud enough. When there is too much signal amplification this makes even white noise loud enough however if the person is focusing the signals for causing sensory mitigation also get over exaggerated. The effects of intelligence on this is something like one part of IQ is more related to how fast someone can absorb or sort new information. This intelligence is used supeisingly effectively on sorting over exaggerated signals allowing for a highly functional obsessive observational behavior (in otherwords a phenomenal scientific mindset and awful humanitarian mindset). The information gain on obsessions can be extraordinary but there is an intense anxiety and hostility to surprises and external forces. One interesting thing she said was there is a moderate correlation with high functioning autism and both sides of the brain activating when trying to solve a problem when having their brain scanned. If you ask someone with autism to for example come up with as many uses for a rubber tire both sides of their brains light up on a scan (sometimes no favoritism for one hemisphere or another but very little activity comparatively in the amygdala). They often give fewer responses then neuro typical but there is a very odd propensity for all uses to be more "practical" that is neuro typical does not stick to rules and trys to get creative even when the suggestion is absurd but the high functioning autistic person always has a very utilitarian response. Often extremely creative utilitarian responses. Now this doesn't mean the amygdala is never active. The amygdala is just as capable of signal amplification. What she thinks happens is integration of the "logical brain" and "emotional brain" would cause the brain to be constantly overheating in a sense so the division of emotion and logic is something like a necessary adaptive response to poorly regulated signal amplification. If everything had emotional weight including logical processes the brain would never turn off and even cause positive feedback loops in signal amplification. These moments from what she has seen under neurological scans is the moment you have an autistic meltdown. When both emotions and logical thoughts are motivating each other (mostly out of desperation) which is to say pushing an autistic person to desperation causes the positive feedback of emotional and logical responses which with poor signal regulation means the brain breaks all filters and all the information hits them all at once 10x worse then a typical person ever experiences. This is when you get the desperation in the fight or flight response because it's actually at the point where senses and thought are all akin to white noise and all the matters is it stops. Low functioning autism seems to be a permanent inability to divide the emotions and logic and low IQ is related to this inability.
Thank you for this amazing insight, as a NT wife this makes so much sense. I have never seen the emotional side to my husband where it concerns, me. I have seen him cry over comic book characters but never over myself or our son. It is still hard to believe that this could actually be because his emotional response would be,” too great” for him to handle or control. Wow. Thanks again. Once again, however it is always up to me to educate myself about his condition( for years) so I can try to not only survive our marriage but try to make it a happy one. Hard to understand when “ our “high functioning spouse’s “ are such super geniuses in so many other categories. I had a hopeless crush on Mr. Spock when I was growing up, and then I married him. Now I know Spock’s Mom had a great friend group and probably took a lot of trips on her own.
@@kristywarren3904 they actually call this double empathy. It's not so much autistic people do not have emotions and never cry pr do not concern themselves with others. The necessary reorganization of what classifies something of notable emotional concern is shifted such that what someone can afford to be emotional about shifts because the consequences of being emotional about certain things holds a different stress. As a result autistic people tend to have tons of empathy for other autistic people where they have far less for NT. If they allowed their emotions to be as common as NT's it's would result in catastrophic disfunction. This is why an autistic persons emotions tend to be more in the abstract. It's in the extensiveness of how they like their hobbies but also any actual problem which is emotional is only easier to deal with when the thing the NT person mentions is something of equal complexity to they complexity of their hobbies. If every little thing mattered to would be pushing someone at max capacity 24/7. When only the few highly complicated things matter their pbsessiveness with complexity keeps the negative consequences of the emotional weight at bay Turing it into something like an interest. I get very frustrated at highly petty things because petty things lasting more then a couple days leaves me completely fried because the brain runs overtime trying to comprehend how something petty can be so important. At work I am a scientist but I also know that when I wall into my building it's not a lab it's a buisness. If I run into a scientist who misunderstand that so they complain about many small things because they think a scientist needs infinite concientiousness the irony the the person who is doing the complaining does not understand the extent of the problem whoch they demand tons of tiny considerations. My brain will then try to accommodate the tiny stuff of the scientists, the tiny stuff of the logostician, tiny stuff of the buisnessman etc and suddenly someone insisting a piece of tape is an existential crisis can cause an existential crisis way beyond their expectations in the form of rage because what was just a simple series of abstract steps became a mess of a minefield of infinite complexity in order not to get peoples ire. This is sort of what I mean for double empathy. I can empathize with someone who is abstract about something complicated to get through the day, I cannot empathize the ther person mad about tape. It's something like there is a bare minimum amount of emotion that has to be expressed before its noticeable. A regular person has a range of 1% to 40% emotion and a high functioning person is 0% then 50% to 110%. Small things can never be 1% they jump to 50% and this appears as someone snapping. If someone wants the tiny think included it basically has to be automated into the person's considerations (organization of the household which is why autism can has some obsessive compulsiveness to it since this is a structured attempt at stopping small things from becoming a 50% of emotions problem). Basically small things are organized in such a way the subconscious effectively manages it so no emotional consideration is necessary. Accommodating the difficulty in the emotional gap of an autistic person and an NT is a logistics game of perspective. One is motivated to minimizing what they are conscious of because more often then not the emotional price of small things is too high to pay constantly. Your husband probably cries at a comic book because the comic book is discussing he sees as a 50% emotions concern in an appropriate way so its the 50% in relation to a positive thing. Unless an individual issue is of sufficient complexity as to use that 50% emotion in a functional way it will just become a frustrating experience. There is the term internet autist. Some time ago the shi la bouf guy was trying to place a flag different places and a bunch of people were trolling him. Some people enjoyed this so much that the term internet autist refers to that person who runs on that high level of emotion such that they perform incredible feats with their emotional energy. Someone heard a frog that only existed in a few lakes in one state, saw a plane moving a direction at a specific time and used flight data and trigonometry to pinpoint the exact lake where the flag was located just so they could deface the flag because it was funny to them. That is funny at autistic 50% to 110% emotional run time placed towards entertainment. And the reason for it being entertaining they would probably type up in a summary deserving of a PhD thesis.
25 years married. Believe I have ADHD and hubby ASD (both undiagnosed). Interesting and I believe common combination. All the things you are saying make so much sense. He is so anxious about being criticised, especially as dad to our 5 kids. He is trying so hard but is totally in denial. He said that it is an insult for people who really have ASD for me to think he has it. I will try to learn to talk in terms of needs not emotions. I will try to give him warning of needing to talk. I will try and keep it short and simple. I often get it wrong but I got it right this morning - I told him when I first met him part of what attracted me to him was that he was able to meet my need for hugs/physical touch - please give me hugs more often. He got this and hugged me. You are right about me imploding and him exploding. However, he has agreed to come to counselling with me which is huge - took 2 years for him to get to this point. Asking permission to bring up the past is good advice. He always wants to keep the past in the past. I don't think I appreciate the problem his anxiety causes him. He has only recently begun to be willing to talk about being hurt or stressed. The other day I told him one thing he could do differently and he exploded saying I had been telling him off for 45min! He is definitely sensitised to negativity. His special interest is cows and regenerative agriculture! I have always said he is negative. He says he is realistic and I am too optomistic. ASD often grows up with ASD parents and therefore they are seen as normal in their family too.
I have been walking on eggshells for 2 years and I became so avoidant, just hoping we would reconnect. Came home from work 4 weeks ago and he had left a note; gone. He will not speak to me at all since he left. I think my husband has autism but didn't recognise this when we were together. These videos are really helping me as I am totally identifying with all the content. For years I thought I was going crazy and my own health has suffered.
@@rpmcmurphey927 I completely agree as soon as I read "left a note and was gone, wouldn't speak to me " I was like yeah sounds like a nasty discard. I'm sorry this happened to you!
My boyfriend has Asperger’s and I often feel alone in the relationship and his sex drive is low. I love him but am also left feeling unsatisfied and alone.
My husband has ASD and OCPD. I have tried to maximize him, helping in any way I can for his career and personal relationships. He has minimized me, I’m a shadow of who I used to be. He literally missed the birth of our son by choice, and then pretended it was out of his control. The depression has been numbing and painful all at once. It’s becoming very obvious that he is not capable of changing. I have no hope he will stop micromanaging me, or controlling every detail of our lives. If I didn’t have my baby boy, I would be suicidal.
@@soulsciencewithgia5915 I'm an extrovert who lost a lot of my friends because he couldn't stand hearing them. Couldn't like them. He called me a whore in a group of friends. When I have ever been faithful to him. He has made my friends not like him and I'm stuck in the between. And now through covid it's even worse. I drop my son off at school and make an Amazon drop off at Whole Foods and he facetimes me...followed 3 text throughout the day that I'm taking too long in traffic. I'm with my kids all the time. I would never cheat. But this has been going on for years. My kids notice. I want to not live sometimes. But I have to be strong and know that it isn't me. It isn't my kids. It's him. He's stuck on my past relationships years before I ever met him. I told him about these "neutral" history before I knew he was ASD. It isn't fair. It is every conversation nearly. It's so weird. I can't share. I can't speak. It's all about how he reacts and his world. His mind. It's his world...I don't know what roll I play in it.
@@soulsciencewithgia5915 No. I use to have friends. But now they won't talk to me because I chose to stay in this relationship. I don't believe in talking bad about spouses to friends because then they will just always have that. But he did this all his own. I don't have friends...if we weren't together I would. I was a socialite in Houston. I just need this relationship to work. But if you're talking about a therapist...yes, I can do that.
Wow, did this hit home as a NT spouse. Didn’t know about the overdeveloped amygdala but that so makes sense with the anxiety levels of an AS person. Everything you described I have experienced with my AS husband.
This is all so fascinating - overdeveloped amygdala… fight or flight, seeing both sides and analysing the negatives to try to fix avoid learn how to get around next time… worrying about the next step because you have to prepare for possible negative outcomes. So in the home should feel safe /don’t have to ‘perform’ or worry.
My husband IMO has undiagnosed ADHD and Autism. We will have been together 20 years May 6, 2022. Literally half of our lives together. We r 40 and got married when we where 20. This video is a play by play of my life 😢. It’s incredibly lonely and very isolating.
Living all of this. Thank you for the useful tips on how to minimize anxiety for the high function husband. How we approach them is critical for both parties to attempt to resolve problems.
I finally feel like I have shed light on what my dad has, he is over 65, but from years of difficult behaviors to deal with it makes A LOT of sense. Counselors have wondered if it was just narcissism but I think high functioning autism/Asperger’s. This will probably help me heal from childhood traumas of feeling insignificant and less than because he couldn’t connect with me and acted irritated at me, so I tried so hard to appease.
I was relieved when I found out my older brother was aspie. Explained a lot. He did scar me for life, very similar to narcissistic abuse. And, my mother was badly affected by him too. I feel for anyone married to someone like him.
It’s like the want to be in a bubble. But when Aspie is feeling alone and sad he seeks closeness and comfort. But I’m fed up with the high & low. And ready to end all. Nice decent man but the symptoms are too much for long term
Omg it’s like you know myself and my partner, it’s SO SO HARD to be with a partner with AS!! At times I think all people on the spectrum should just date others on the spectrum as the total damage they can do (though no fault of their own) to NT’s is phenomenal.
@@llarmstrong783 aspi can end up being vulnerable to exploitation as they commonly become co dependent within attachment disorders to an NT. I had this with my ex aspi. I made sure I never exploited his vulnerability. They tend to need an emotional tow through life from the NT. Someone to break the world down for them.
Yes, yes, and yes, in your description of my husb. This video is on point. I feel like I need a Phd. to learn how to maneuver around him.🤣🤣🤣 However, we get along well. Your videos are helping me a great deal. Many thanks, Mark. ❤❤
Thank you for you video. I am currently on a break with my bf (one year relationship). When I read all your comments and listen to this video, I see him. He is not diagnosed but I am convinced now that he has AS. We always have arguments about the fact that I don’t understand him while I am just expressing my feelings and He lose all control at this time. I feel like a narcissic monster because he said that I don’t listen to him (while I’m currently always trying my best to make him feel confortable) but it’s never enough. I don’t what to do, it makes me go crazy and I never cried or doubt myself this much since I am with him. But I don’t want to let him alone in this ‘cause I love him so much… but not being supported or understood is really hard everyday. What should I do ?…
If you’ve grown up with someone who ignores you, criticizes everything you do, basically a malignant narcissist plus have ASD how do you ever move forward. I’m stuck at some point.
My last boyfriend had both ASD and narcissism. Half my friends are ASD so that's never an issue. It's just that sometimes someone can be ASD and also abusive. It's hard because there comes a point where you want to go "no no it's the ASD!" when no, it's just them. And it's not just you, they're the same type of narcissist or abusive to everyone. (Tricking children to draw your fetish, for example, isn't ASD, it's being trash. Yes this happened.)
I have done a deep dive into attachment styles and the description for Aspergers sounds pretty much identical to a Dismissive Avoidant attachment style. Right down to the smallest nuances. I learned a lot about this from TH-cam videos put out by the Personal Development School (Thais Gibson) Life changing information.
What about the NT's anxiety. Even if I ask him, can we discuss so & so, it's always no. He acts worse than a defiant child. Don't know how much more i can deal with this. He acted like someone else in the beginning, I dont even know who he is anymore. One day he's saying hes sorry, he doesn't realize how evil he sounds. Then couple weeks later, he justifies himself & say I bring him to that point. He's concerned about how he doesn't want to sound like an jerk to others but hes an jerk to me.
This is straight up abuse and autism or not I would leave. My bf has Asperger's and does not act this dismissive and cruel as what you are describing it's not an excuse. Abuse is abuse.
I’m 14 min in giving this another listen and many of these hit home. I’m in a relationship and have suspected for awhile if he is on the spectrum. The more time spent and interactions we have, all of this makes perfect sense. When you said “She wants to seek a connection during a crisis and he seeks solitude” he told me that almost verbatim. He says I need to be clear and tell him exactly what I am feeling in the moment so he can understand. The anxiety too is also very present.
If you want to stay and make it work, the both of you need to stay educated on what works and what doesn’t. Create structure. Compromise. Speak in terms of needs instead of feelings and expectations. Get a therapist. Stop having expectations because the ASD partner may see it as demands
I'm an Aspie, diagnosed 5 years ago in my sixties. The diagnosis was a huge relief and I've since become much more comfortable in my own skin. While over the last 5 years I've had to reframe my entire life, watching your video made me realise something I hadn't thought about before. In the past I've become very irritated with people for their illogical behaviour, not understanding how they can be so stupid. (Illogical Captain!) I can often see straight through their attempts to deceive. On the other hand I can be very dry-eyed for example when people die. Crying after someone has died doesn't achieve anything. We have to look after those we love while they're here with us.
Autistic myself but I have recently been "undiagnosed" at age 40. However my partner has been diagnosed this year and for some reason their symptoms have become so much worse. Conversations constantly go like this: Me: "I have a problem with X behavior" Them: "Oh so you mean to say I am a Y kind of person?" Me: "That's not what I said and it's also not what I meant." Them: "Well that's what I'm taking from it." Me: "I am standing here in front of you, specifically choosing the right words and trying to be as clear as possible about X so there's no room for ambiguity." Them: "So you mean to say I'm Y?" I really recognized the part about them just filling in the blanks with the most negative doomthink possible and overreact to it. Personally I'm about done with this relationship after almost 8 years.
What a brilliant informative channel, id ike to say however this also applies to the ASD wife and the NT husband, literally everything spoken in this applies visa versa, thank you for the breakdown, this is really helpful i have shared with my NT husband as we are battling with the same issues with me being the ASD wife and him the NT.
Without an actual diagnosis it's very hard to believe that this behaviour isn't evil. I say that because when they unveil themselves it's like a trap was set. It's like a theft. Its corrupt and insidious. NT wives would not have married the finally unveiled person.
This presentation makes my boyfriend so much easier to understand. I've known him for 9 years now, and I recently realized he HAS to be Aspberger's. Listening to this, examining the ideas point by point, I recognize much better now who he is and WHY he is that way. To add to the fun, I have sleepy ADD and many Aspberger's traits too, apparently inherited from my engineer father, who I did not grow up with. After many years of seeking answers to endless questions of "why" I now understand myself so much better too...the main feeling I can relate to and share so well with my boyfriend, who is so much more intelligent than most people would take him for (I have realized he deliberately hides it) is the never-ending frustration with everyday life's smallest challenges (the illogic that is all around) and other people and their strange motives. Also, to people who stress the love of Jesus and suchlike as a refuge for autistic despair: that idea is so infuriatingly clueless and illogical I can't even convey it to you. It's another massive frustration wall that other people throw up. (My other favorite is: try meditation! I'm in my head all day already. If I really did the stuff recommended I'd just fall asleep.) We need practical solutions, not metaphysical woo. If we had a decent capacity for managing emotion usefully and engaging fantasy figures to help out, we'd've gone there already, we're not stupid. Seriously. We need to process it out, not give it to the celestial cloud. Takes time; you have to get to know yourself.
@@kristenfloodkerby5429 yes one broke my legs, fútsa if rage, cheated on me with one particular loser of a sleeze ball, flirt with him in front of my face, lie all the time. When i asked her dad about her behaviour...i was apparently gossiping and a bád partner for wants to know why they had first of dangerous rage, talking to themselves and bád behaviour
Sure, but here's the thing. You have to keep in mind their intentions. I suspect my current bf is an aspie. Now, I've dated a man who was a sociopathic narcissist, and it was quite clear he MEANT to hurt me. He meant to manipulate and control me. And I don't get that sense from my current bf at all. He kind of comes across as robotic and cold at times, but he thinks he's simply being direct. Also, because he has that thing where he simply refuses to discuss relationship problems, I get very frustrated because i'm a talker. Unfortunately, his coldness and his habit of interrupting me if he doesn't like what I'm talking abotu and trying to shut me down, triggers me because my NPD ex used to do that. So to me, it feels abusive. What's also difficult is I've asked him not to do that. But he seems incapable of stopping. When I get on a tear and talk passionately about politics, it overwhelms him for some reason, I think. I take it personally when he tries to get me to stop.
@@CarolineViolinMusic what you are describing is a narcissistic personality disorder. These people are chronic cheaters and pathological liars. My ex was always explaining himself, the only thing is common is that ASD and NPD both lack empathy but the difference is the intention. ASD doesnt understand they are doing wrong and their behavious will hurt you. NPD understands that, hurting you is byproduct of their selfishness
Great insights into common habits of man with Asperger's.. Stuck in Logical analysis hinders decision and action. EMOTIONS have gotten in the way for the logical ND man so they are locked up in a closet
This is very much my husband and I. To a “T”. But he would never accept that fact that he is high functioning autistic. Anytime the idea of autism or ADHD is mentioned in conversation he dismisses it. Thinks they are unnecessary labels. But it getting to the point that it is a major strain on our marriage. I’m aware that I am ADHD- inattentive. He dismisses it, of course. But over the years my issues have gotten a lot better as my brains has matured. But it seems that his symptoms (of what I believe is Asperger’s) is getting worse with age. How do I go about trying to convey this idea to my husband..?
act out treating him like he has x thing without saying he has to acknowledge that about himself and over time then point out the connections between x thing and how you treat him and his reactions thereto cause if a fish needs water just give it water you dont need to fight about if its air or water and then after that you can point out the difference between air and water
20 years with mine. I only figured it out around year 12. It is very lonely at times. I’ve had to build my own life as a single-but-married person. I guess I’ve come to terms with having a special needs partner. I’m 82 and he is 40 going on 14.
Two years later we are divorced. He’s now working and going to the state university nearby, has his own apartment, a good car, full bank account and a hefty annuity if he leaves it alone until he is sixty. It was painful for both but absolutely the best for him as I’m turning eighty five this year and am now living with old friends. My loved one is doing just fine.
Excellent advice. I have a good friend who fits this description and I strive to be patient with him. We are the ones who must show the empathy more, just as we would have loving patience with a person who is born with a shorter leg and you both decide to go for a walk...
Fairly sure we have 2 ASD folks in our household (Me+wife, self diagnosed only) and yea, we have struggles, but it's never like this. This sounds terrible, haha. We struggle with her expecting me to have emotions that I have never given her any reason to think I will display already, but the difference is that she is willing to work with me and me with her in return to we do well and get through conflicts. Seems to me that 90% of these angry NTs have very little conflict resolution skills and I wonder if they've relied on just getting really mad or sad and their family has solved conflicts for them or they participated in that age-old, monkey brain tradition of "yell it out"... but that's none of my business now is it.
A lot of this sounds like my ex. It’s so confusing bc there were times she would empathize with me, hear me out, hear my concerns about our relationship. She’d promise me she’d change, things would be better & she’d promise she’d get into therapy but then she’d never follow through. There were times where she’d completely understand why I’m feeling the way I am, but then so many other times she would dismiss me, give me the silent treatment, deflect, call me overdramatic. Then after the silent treatment ended, she’d apologize, reassure me, validate my feelings, etc. Super confusing. I used to think she was a narcissist. I know she also has an OCD diagnosis which I think was misdiagnosed. She’s very afraid of abandonment, thinks in black & white, has a long history of lying going back to when she was a kid. She had a history of lying to me especially lying by omission. She has obsessive/compulsive thoughts & rituals, sensory issues especially with chimes & ceiling fans, high anxiety, struggles in interpersonal relationships, trouble with eye contact. She struggles with life transitions & will stay with people out of comfort & familiarity even if she isn’t happy with them. She told me it took her a year to drive her new car bc it was a tough transition for her.
Can you do a deepdive coverage of the struggles of being a NT husband to a ND wife? We've had some infidelity issues and the emotional changes have been a challenge. I don't see many videos sympathizing with this specific combo on the web and it would be very helpful
Aspie here. I learned something new. That amygdala information is so usefull and new and yes I am always looking for bad news. and yes I do get stuck on bad news.
I've always wondered why I can have feelings, but then I have to wear an empathetic mask when others talk about their emotions. I've thought something is wrong with me, I'm cold, but as long as I have a minute to think about appropriate responses, then I can appear nurturing. That and a million other things like the above leads me to self-diagnose ASD 1 at 58. Talk about epiphanies.
@TH-camUzername People have different reasons why they stay. My husb is on the spectrum. He is a laid-back type of guy. He's an introvert and doesn't show a lot of emotions but will give me the moon if he could. If he was controlling, and verbally abusive I would plan my exit.
I am finally leaving my husband of 4+ years as he refuses to understand Asperger's and I simply cannot take any more (especially the rages aimed towards me) Good Luck to all who are willing though.
@@TH-camUzername - I moved out 1.5 years ago. We are legally separated for financial reasons. I love my life and am so happy, and my life is peaceful and wonderful in every way. We are friends. I help him when he needs help. But because I don't "belong" to him anymore, he can't aim those rages at me. Happy ending to a difficult story. I researched Asperger's myself though, so I can recognize different aspects of it in him.
It's practically impossible to have a relationship with this kind of man, just save yourself and get out of the relationship, the only thing a relationship with a man like this will do it ruin you and your health. GET OUT!
The emotional turbulence will 90 percent of the time be sourced from the NT spouse or s.o. A.S. people don't lie often, don't play mind games, rarely cheat if ever.
It's not that every turbulence always needs handholding it's more like how to navigate difficult situations better, or how to have better communication and relationships on a daily basis, and how to make sure both partners feel loved. It's rare that any one individual is going to be completely like all this all the time, this is just a boot camp on common problems. I think one reason my wife is attracted to me is because I'm stable: I'm not like her abusive stepdad at all. But that stability comes at the cost of not being very emotional: when I let my emotions get the best of me I end up getting in trouble, so I keep them in check out of habit. That's good for some things, not so good for other things. It's also on me to get more in touch with my positive emotions which isn't really part of this video.
Pretty sure my husband has asbergers. One of his many diagnoses I was blissfully unaware of before we married. I plan to find a therapist who specializes in helping a spouse dealing with asbergers male.
Not only spouses behaving like this. There are guys who behave exactly like this. You repeat yourself 3000 times and sometimes they don’t get it and you as a woman learn in hard way to shut your mouth and keep working on yourself. Trying to no more misunderstanding or a big foolishness argument. It’s so exhausting
It is possible the NT spouse also has traits that would make any relationship problematic. I accept as someone on the spectrum I may not be easy to live with but it's not helped when the wife dishes out constant criticism, put downs, name calling and expletive laden abuse. She never apologises for anything as she is never at fault and cannot take any criticism herself. Explaining anything is beneath her. I'm expected to just do as she says without question and know her every emotion automatically. Discussing our problems has proved impossible, however I try. We tried marriage guidance, twice. Both times she fell out with the councillor. Add in some OCD and a germ obsession (made worse by Covid 19) and it can only end in tears. I still love her but I cannot see any end to this. After 6 years, I've filed for divorce.
Absolutely, as an NT, I know I have tons of traits that make relationships problematic. I have an anxiety disorder I've struggled with for years. I have PTSD. Been cheated on multiple times, so I have problems trusting. It makes relationships with ANYONE a huge challenge for me. I just broke up with someone I love like crazy, but we have huge communication issues, and I think he may have Aspergers. Imagine two people with out of control anxiety trying to have a conversation about relationship problems. ugh
Many non autistic people are crazy or mean or have previous trauma that messes up relationships. Of course. These videos are made to help NT people understand and act appropriate to AS people and not misinterpret them, because if we apply NT intent to AS people it will end badly. NT people are manipulative in their relationships with each other, so sometimes well think AS people are manipulating us. But we should recognise that generally AS people aren't doing that. This is a misunderstanding we can have we don't need to be having.
Good for you! Some abusive partners will think they are doing you a favor by being in a relationship with someone on the spectrum. Know your worth! The time you spend with yourself after the divorce might end up being some of the best times of your life. When you date again, though, remember the warning signs so you don't end up with that kind of person again.
It’s because she doesn’t understand what the fuck is going on and then when she figures it out sometime, she fucking forgets that he’s not an asshole he just has Asperger’s
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Tips for NTs in a relationship with a spouse or partner with ASD Level 1...
ASD+NT Couples resources:
--- Living with ASD - eBook and Audio Instruction for Neurodiverse Couples: www.livingwithaspergerspartner.com/
--- One-on-One Skype Counseling for Struggling Individuals & Couples Affected by ASD: www.adultaspergerschat.com/2019/07/skype-counseling-for-struggling-couples.html
--- Group for ASD Men Struggling in Their Relationship with an NT Spouse: www.adultaspergerschat.com/2020/11/group-for-asd-men-struggling-in-their.html
--- Group for Neurotypical Women Struggling in Their Relationship with an ASD Spouse: www.adultaspergerschat.com/2020/11/group-for-nt-women-struggling-in-their.html
--- Online Group Therapy for Neurodiverse Couples Affected by Autism Spectrum Disorder: www.adultaspergerschat.com/2020/10/mark-hutten-m.html
--- Recovery from Cassandra Syndrome - Counseling for Neurotypical Spouses: www.cassandrasyndromerecovery.com/2021/08/recovery-from-emotional-deprivation-for.html
--- ASD Men’s MasterClass: www.asdmasterclass.com/2022/02/asd-mens-masterclass.html
Parenting resources:
--- Preventing Meltdowns and Tantrums in Children with Autism Spectrum Disorder: www.autism-meltdowns.com/
--- Discipline for Defiant Teens on the Autism Spectrum: www.myaspergersteen.com/
--- Launching Adult Children with ASD Level 1: How to Promote Self-Reliance: www.launchingadultchildren.com/
--- Teaching Social Skills and Emotion Management to Kids on the Spectrum: www.social-skills-emotion-management.com/
--- Unraveling The Mystery Behind Asperger's and High-Functioning Autism: aspergers-mystery.blogspot.com/
--- Parenting Children and Teens with High-Functioning Autism: www.high-functioningautism.com/
--- Parenting System that Reduces Problematic Behavior in Children and Teens with ASD Level 1: www.myaspergerschild.com/2019/07/parenting-system-that-reduces.html
I thank God for your gift of sharing the truth about our NT/ND relationships.
As a person who’s autistic, but has also learned to put themself in others shoes, all I have to say is that autism is NEVER an excuse for abuse. Period. It doesn’t matter what the excuse is. There are too many people who are hurt in relationships because their asd spouses meltdowns are too violent and they won’t seek help. It can also be frustrating when an asd spouse only ever talks about themselves, but never asks their partner questions, or reciprocates. I feel like there should be relationship skills classes offered for autistic students in school so that they have a chance to learn early. I had to learn through harsh criticism, but I listened, and it helped me become a better person who can treat family and friends right.
Very well put.
I taught myself skills before I even knew that I was autistic (am 47 now, diagnosed at 46). Taught myself emotional regulation. Techniques, and (I have never ever put my hands on anybody) exited a room to meltdown in my room with the door closed if one was going to happen.
I also taught my self ways to improve my relationship skills (especially with my boyfriend.)
We recently found out that he is autistic too and we work on our relationship together.
When we need to we explain something, not make an excuse.
Keep it up folks. I’m glad you’re doing great.
That is beautiful.
Unfortunately, most men . Aspies or not, have a tendency towards selfishness.. if by any chance they also have low self-esteem , being an aspie without deep therapy is a bad bad combination
That makes you a better person than the vast majority of folks on the spectrum. Good on you
I did too and I need to say this. I'm great with emotions now but it burns me out. It's draining. So I'm way more connected to my family as a friends AND I need a lot of time away from them. Our brains are our brains and doing something that goes against our physical makeup takes a lot out of us.
I'm a high functioning Autistic female and these anxious moments are constant and apply to me too, I am 37 and never had a relationship because I don't know how too, even in everyday life this happens always. It also hurts for us neuro-diverse people, we are utterly saddened by this too. We absolutely wish to be better, we really do.
I go through this and agree 100%.
My god, I am listening to my life with my husband dictated back to me. I am being reminded of incidents that have happened that I have suppressed because they were to difficult to understand or deal with at the time. But yeah, this is my life with my husband. Just listening to this makes me feel less crazy.
I have Loyalty and Love for my Husband,
Same. wow.
@@MaCherieMcAli , good for you.
Same. I'm so glad I'm not completely nuts. Relief after 31 years of this. I'm not nuts.
@@jpanicacci 31 years 😢
My Aspie tends to hear the 1 negative comment and not hear 10’ good compliments
@@riarosemarimoto5591 I do this. Idk why :(
Even when I am clear, concise, direct and concrete, my male AS husband cannot seem to understand at all what I am saying to him. It is crazy-making. I don't think I will ever succeed in having effective communication with him. I have anxiety, too, not just him. It doesn't seem fair that I am supposed to learn, grow and change in order to try to improve our relationship while at the same time accepting that he cannot change any of his behaviour. The work is all one-sided, and it's exhausting, and it's hard to get anywhere with it. It's beyond frustrating and it feels unfair. We don't have children, and I certainly don't want to have to play Mommy to him for the rest of our lives together.
Wow this is sooooo my situation ( except I do have children )....I've just accepted that I'm alone it's easier than hoping for change that can never happen.
Maybe He needs a professional
Agreed.. my NT ex of 8 years can't deal with it because her law of affection is by acts of service.. I lack that the most and she doesn't understand why or even how someone can't show empathy.. I have lots of empathy.. I just don't know how to express it.. I was never shown empathy as I had an introverted sociopathic mother and an extroverted narcissistic father. I was diagnosed ADHD when I was 8 and now I realized I also have Aspergers.
unfortunely I have same problem with an AS. I speak as clear and simple as even possible but there is no understanding anyway, its like talking to a closed box. Putting hours into explaining the logic over and over repeatedly, sometimes works, but is extremely exhausting for something that takes 5 min to understand by a NT.
@@naad2647 That's where your problem lies.. you dont understand him as much as he doesn't understand you.. frustrating for the AS man as much as it is for an NT woman.. try this.. explain with FACTS rather than FEELINGS.. and you'll see a bigger difference.. funny you say you explain with logic.. AS people are ALL ABOUT LOGIC.. if it doesn't make sense we will refute until we are red in the eyes.. just because it's exhausting to you doesn't mean he's dumb for not understanding.. goes both ways.. NT understands NT as much as AS understands other AS people.. autism is a trait.. not a disorder.
I have autism, and the right therapist helped me sooo much. My relationships, and my ability to see from different perspectives, have improved so much. I worry less, and I stopped over-analyzing so much, most of the time. I've even gotten better at handling social overstimulation and overwhelm. People with autism NEED therapy to function in a neurotypical world. Finding the right therapist took years, but it was so worth it.
It is a very difficult relationship. They can act “normal” in the beginning, but as time goes on, you will deal with a lot of hard times. I’m all alone with nobody to talk to that doesn’t want to only talk about himself. With this stay at home Coronavirus stuff, it is exceptionally hard.
N Shaw, I would be glad to talk. I don’t know how to send a private msg on here.
I’m not sure myself Susan
Maybe we can not send private msgs
Susan, do you have Instagram? Here’s mine, cocodream37
Same.
My husband and I have been together for 7.5 years. No issues, not one conflict or fight, happy relationship. We had our first conflict and he completely shut down, melted down, and now insists on divorce. I had no idea that autism was so difficult for relationships, but it is absolutely mind boggling.
No conflict, no fight? How did you resolve differences - or did you agree on everything for 7 years?!?
@@TinycadancerI can relate to some of that. Gotta sound the Snake Alarm when You see it.
Wow
@@MR-cm9vssome times communication is divine and everything (almost) is agreed upon
This explains SO MUCH. Oh my god. No wonder he's forever talking about the worst things. It drives me crazy because he brings up the same things over and over and over again. And he'll explode at something innocuous I say or do and I'm totally blindsided. It makes me feel better to know where it's coming from, but it also makes me want to cry because I feel like it will never end.
Yay, sounds so fun for us. Ironically, the after affects of having to maneuver a relationship with an Asperger‘s partner when you are a neurotypical woman tends to lead to the same outcome that maneuvering a relationship with a narcissistic partner does. Gaslighting, and extremely troubling mental health issues. Cassandra syndrome is very real.
Regardless as to whether or the not this behavior is intentional, the result it has on the NT partner is the same.
I was saying the same just now. bc of an autistic mother Ive been drawn to autistic guys my whoe life and people think theyre narcissists.
I’m sure there’s an overlap between narcissism and autism. I’ve read papers saying that often you’ll find both disorders running in the same family. Everyone is an individual though and maybe people with autism who come from more nurturing, healthy families end up appearing less narcissistic in their own adult romantic relationships. I think temperament of individuals varies a great deal too and will dictate how severely the ‘selfish’ traits are apparent in those with autism. Remember, autism literally means ‘self’.
@@deborah8788 every guy Ive been with have been very arrogant mixed with super insecure and have shown traits of autism..this cant be a mistake. Those docs are right.
Lol "Cassandra Syndrome" is pseudo-scientific nonsense that basically describes a possible result of being with someone who doesn't emotionally reciprocate very well which can happen BOTH WAYS in any relationship, it doesn't compare to a narcissist who actively, sadistically and cognitively hollows you out to convert you to secondary narcissist supply, it's like comparing a mosquito bite to getting your armed chopped off. All of the people who make this comparison sound like they themselves are incredibly narcissistic or, at best, ignorant bigots.
@Daniel Smith Don't bother, the "Cassandra community" are ignorant morons who don't know what NPD is and instead blame autism.
I'm an Aspergian who suffers from severe relationship anxiety and relationship OCD. Understanding all this research makes me feel very hopeless. So even if I feel genuine love for somebody in the beginning, my whole being will eventually turn them into a task and get bored with them. I have no intention to be like this. And I don't want to stay like this. However the feelings are too strong and cannot be hidden when they do come. They show themselves beyond my control. If there is ever a way to stay in love and present with somebody, I choose that. I just don't know the solution for now. It seems like a fairy tale. The thoughts of this stir anxiety, self hatred, and depression. Seeing everyone's testimonies, I know I don't want to do that or become that for somebody. We are out of touch with our emotions and out of control of our own behaviors and thoughts.
Thank you for this. I was just ghosted by my partner of 2 years seemingly overnight when he got bored. The change in him has left me with the equivalent of a psychological traumatic brain injury. I now have severe anxiety and trust issues and feel emotionally raped even though I still love him. I almost committed suicide just last week as it has ripped open all of my childhood wounds and nothing is helping the pain lessen.
Your compassion, which he doesn’t have, is a breath of fresh air. Your caring for others not to suffer and you validating the experience on the other side in such a kind way is the hug I really needed right now. 🙏🏻
@@katsigal I'm sorry for what you've been through. It's sad to say asperger relationships go from one person needing therapy to two. My last relationship taught how bad I can unknowingly hurt somebody when I'm just being and not even intending to communicate negativity. It also taught me my own boundaries that i need to set to prevent high stress breakdowns. Frustration with myself and lack of understanding of myself triggered my partner. She received my Frustration with myself upon herself and took it personally. I'm not looking for anything else until I can get some therapeutic help and self reflection.
@@katsigal I'm so sorry for your pain, that is an awful thing to go through 😥Please know you are so valuable & loved. I understand the pain of childhood wounds and abandonment/rejection... it's incredibly painful. Prayers for Jesus' peace over your hurting heart ♡ He can heal all wounds.
@@kylieg787 Look, I know you mean no harm but the illogical Jesus stuff is exactly what we DON'T need. It makes no sense at all. We need solid tactics, directions, steps. The Jesus love business is meaningless to me, and to my Aspberger's boyfriend too. Keep it to yourself.
@@ShakepearesDaughter You're right, we do need all that as well. I respect your view and ask that you please be respectful of mine. We do not have to try and shut each other down when we disagree on something. It is fine to let others share their beliefs. My belief is that there is nothing our hearts need more than Jesus' love and I hope everyone gets to experience it. It is not illogical... in fact I would likely be dead right now had God not given me logical steps to take when I was seriously ill several years ago and the doctors weren't sure what to do. He saved my life... and He helps me in all areas of my life. I won't stop sharing Jesus' love, that would be selfish of me to keep something so wonderful to myself. Bless you and I sincerely wish you all the best 🌼🌼
My partner and I are both neuro divergent, I just want to say there is a difference between dealing with autism and dealing with abuse. There had to be concessions made, but it has to be made together, from both sides. Autism isn't an excuse for abuse, a diagnosis should be a tool to help understand yourself or your partner understand you.
My partner and I talk about communication before emotional things come up. We discuss how we're going to talk about things while we're calm and we don't have an immediate problem staring us in the face. We have made a deal that if I need to talk, I'll pick one issue, we'll come up with a time to talk about it, and I'll keep my time to 10 minutes to explain my point. He has made the deal that he will give me his attention for that entire 10 minutes, and if he needs time to think about what I've said he will set a time in the next few days to talk about his side. If he needs to talk to me, his concession is that he will bring it up right away before he is upset. He has a tendency to try to supress his emotions so he'll stew on things until it's too much and he explodes. So as soon as something bothers him, no matter how small, he will bring it up to me and I will respect that and take it seriously. It takes effort from both people
It's good to hear that a relationship with TWO neurodiverse people can be mutually satisfying when adjustments are made. Thank you for sharing.
Great ideas, thanks.
As a high-functioning autist, I have been watching and reading a lot on the topic, rarely the mental health professional captured the autistic experience this well! Thanks!
The video narrates my life. Because of him I have anxiety, and sometimes feel desperate for a hug or deep conversation. I wish I knew about this earlier. Now I realized he would never change. Specially because he has no intention to change or get any sort of help.
@@mayelync5094 Same here!!! It's draining me
I am at the end if my rope. Ty for ur comment. I have tried and tried. He will never understand.
@@maybesomedayperhaps1 hi, I left my ex husband and I just saw my comment Is from 2 years and a half ago. It was hard but I started going to church, took therapy and made christian friends. It took me over two years to heal but I am happy today. I am now ready to start dating.
I was married for 9 years and we didnt have kids. I left the house after an argument and he went away on Vacation so I went home and got my stuff. After a month he came back to my new place and acted like if everything was normal but I asked questions that he did not bother to answer and I didnt want to reconcile without talking about our issues.
He never bothered to reconcile again and moved on with his life traveling, women, weed, etc. I detached from him and didnt bother finding out what was going on in his life.
I am sorry you are going through this but you need to take care of your mental health and remove yourself from situations and people that are harmful to you
@@maybesomedayperhaps1hi, I left my ex husband more than 2 years ago and this video helped to understand what I was dealing with.
It was a tough decision and I still love him but learning to live without him. My happy days now last longer and nobody out of nowhere disrupt my peace.
4 months ago is when I was able to get my own place after living with my parents for a year and everything was going well but I was worried that something bad will happens because I got used go the caos with him. It took me a while to understand that the danger was over.
I havent date yet. It takes a while to heal and find yourself after being abused and neglected for so many years. We were married for over 9 years. Luckily we didnt have kids.
Wish you the best
@@maybesomedayperhaps1 I totally feel the same way, it's been nearly 2 years and I don't think I can do it anymore. I feel starved of affection and attention. No reciprocity at all! He is so quick to say how he feels and he needs and wants and when I try and voice mine he shuts me down, he tells me it's BS. what I don't understand is it wasn't like this in the beginning at all it's like night and day. He says this is the longest relationship he has been in. I love him but its really not enough. He does try to be fair but hey I think I'm done
The HFA mate gets along well with everyone but his spouse. I thought my ex-husband was the most secretive person on the planet and then I dated another man who also ended up being on the spectrum. I couldn't understand why we had such a difficult time enjoying conversations until you explained their anxiety and fear of being made wrong. You have helped me on my journey to forgive them. Thank you for saving my life.
My then HFA partner was the most secretive partner I’ve ever had. It almost felt like a dream or nightmare.
Wow, this is my marriage to a tee. We've been married 3 years and it wasn't until he got back into his special interest after Covid, that I realized that something was wrong. Any conversation about spending more time together is seen as a personal attack. His solution is that I should stop talking about my feelings. He isn't a mean person, which is why this has been so confusing. It's good to know what I'm dealing with at least.
Oh my God I'll make sense. Not trying to be mean just might be easier to be single. Now I know why it is feeling like I'm just raising my children by myself and raising my husband at the same time
At times it feels as if my Aspie is emotionally abusive - I've seen a lot, and never been hurt by someone this badly.
Laura Hadden Hello Laura I've experienced the same as you, but I left him for my peace of mind and safety.
They are noxious. Let them seek their own “kind.”
Me too. I was physically abused by my NT ex partner for years. Bizarrely, even though my now partner (with ASD) has never hit me, I feel equally as traumatised by emotional abuse from as I did my physically abusive ex.
@@helenarichard but your boyfriend can train to be better able to negotiate and feel your nonsexual affection needs though. He might not always be able to accurately express his intentions via his face but he can learn to read yours.
It helps if you realize he isn't doing it to intentionally hurt you
Many of these tips I use with my seventeen year old son. I agree that anxiety is the most detrimental trait of hfa. We know when he is anxious and feeling "attacked" , we have to give him a moment (usually a few hours; maybe a couple days), to decompress and sort through information overload.
Many times he has cried because his anxiety has gets the better of him.
As his mother, I understand how to communicate with him and that the hurtful things he might say are because he speaks in the moment and it's not necessarily personal. But, I also won't lie that I don't wish that on a sweet girl he might one day want to have a relationship with.
You’re speaking the truth
I'm not even Aspie and I said horrible things to my mom when I was 17 LOL So maybe part of it is just him being a hormonal teen
I get that about the gf. She has to be emotionally strong understanding
Look up professor Chris exley. Your son can get well.
Exceptionally true. Conversation is about them, their work, their special interests or interests at that moment.
My ND spouse will ask me how my day was then wander the kitchen to get a snack. Whether I said “fine” or “awful”, he isn’t listening.
Aspie here. A big issue for some of us is that we are told our reaction to whatever people tell us is not good enough so we learn that it makes no sence to even try to care.
Same. I have never felt so small as I have in the past 2 years and I am almost 51.
I respect and understand but honestly it truly seems hopless. Mine verbally abuses me when I cry and ask for a hug etc. I absolutely can understand their brains are wired differently but for the NT to basically have to carry the entire relationship and cater to the aspies triggers and the way they think isn't ok. It needs to be a team effort. It's a sad and lonely relationship but hard when you truly love them and honestly the child like quarks they have is what made me fall in love with mine. So innocent and fun loving at times but then vicious and callous the next min.
I'd hug you when you cry... Just sayin
I understand you 💯
I’m just getting out of a 2.5 year off-and-on relationship with someone who this video describes perfectly. This relationship brought out the best and worst in me.. I never felt like he was fully “in it”. He never introduced me to family, never said he loved me back when I said it to him, never made time for me.. the simplest things I needed were regarded as being “too much”. He had other women in his life that he had been with sexually and talked to them daily.. he’d get mad at me for buying him things or doing things for him. Finally after him blowing me off after not seeing each other for 6 weeks, I flipped out and ended things. All the patience I had and putting my needs/feelings on the back burner just exploded. He agreed and said it was best if we called it off, which made it worse. I can’t ever live like this again..
Thank goodness you didn't have kids with him. I was engaged to an autistic male for 5 years and we had two kids and when I was pregnant with each one of them he cheated on me with the same girl. He would message every single girl that he has ever dated or had sex with all the way back to high school on the daily. It was so exhausting. And then he like left me overnight. I didn't even know we had a problem. Things were getting better. We were doing good and then he went and moved in with his brother. I told him being autistic doesn't give him the excuse to be a cheating piece of s***.
@@novawallenda7848 Are you sure he wasn’t just a narcissist?
@@sds6303 I don't know and I feel guilty calling him a narcissist if he's autistic. I don't like to shame anybody for how they were born and I always just thought that maybe the reason he acts this way was because of his spectrum. I don't know. My son was totally worth it though. I do it all over again even with the heartbreak
It doesn't sound like asperger...sorry asperger men are usually never Promiscuous. They are actually very reliable and loyal one of the things that make us fall in love with them. . They like routine and consistency. Talking to other women would be Torture to an aspie.
Sorry yours just sounds like a jerk ( consciously) .
A realjerk . Not an asperger what makes aspies so difficult not to love is because you know they are clueless .
You will also know an asperger because they can't hold eye contact for too long they hqve a hard time with hugs and touch.
So having multiple women??? No not an aspie
Same. I'm so sorry for both of us.
I HAVE to leave him. The toll on my mental health cannot even be measured at this point.
This has been awful.
Note for myself ☺️ 18:18 Amygdala and fight or flight. Always anxious and scanning for negativity... Goes on to talk about remembering past incidents but also feeling those negative feelings while doing so.
What a comfort hearing you lay it all out so clearly. Makes me feel sane and human again. It's been so painful for more than 2 decades and I reached the end of my rope this weekend. Your other video on the cycles of an NT wife was also very helpful. Thank you!
I need to re-listen to your this clip, so many nuggets here. I wish he would listen to you too, but he thinks there's nothing wrong with him and does not need to change.
@@SweetoesMay Wow. So, how do you handle that?
@@SandraWade666 I won't leave because of my religious beliefs. So I became as stubborn about staying as he is about everything else. And I choose my battles, not everything is worth fighting over. Learned to major on the major and not let the tail wag the dog. Many times he also returns to peaceful calm once he doesn't feel backed into a corner, which means I had to change my tone and manner of communication with him. (All easier said than done. *roll eyes*)
@@SweetoesMay Not to sound unsympathetic, but you really want to stay in a marriage you're unhappy with, because of religion? Makes me glad I'm an atheist, frankly. No way would I stay in a miserable situation because I believe in some imaginary sky daddy. Or some arbitrary rules imposed on you by an outdated societal institution. In any case, he's not doing any of that to hurt you. Are you guys in counseling? I suspect my current bf is Aspie. I broke up with him because he was very blunt and rude to me, and I have PTSD, and it was triggering. However, I know he didn't mean to hurt. When I did some research on how to communicate with an Aspie, I changed my way of communicating with him, and it was very effective. I helped him come around to seeing my side, with logic, rather than with feelings. If your spouse was in a wheelchair, would you not adapt the house so he could get along better? I look at it that way.
@@SandraWade666 Thanks for your input, Sandra. Yes, I've adapted and changed the way I communicate with my husband, and the situation has improved over the years and the meltdowns occur less frequently now. Yes, understanding that he doesn't mean to hurt helps. Not always, but it does. And definitely I would not leave him if he ends up in a wheelchair, hence I can't leave him because he is an Aspie. Best wishes to you.
After 30 years of marriage to an aspie, and only recently realizing that he’s and aspie, I no longer view myself as a wife. In order to cope with the unbearable difficulties I now view myself as someone’s caretaker and its just a job. I cannot leave, it’s too late for that, we are seniors. If he didn’t have me around he’s going to be helpless, much like a child.
I don't understand how they can act like a regular guy when dating and also first couple of years of marriage but as he gets older, have come to realize he is just a roomer in my house. Very lonely.
@@susanhays5994 , THAT!!!
Wow! I don’t feel so alone anymore...I thought it was only me.
Same. Best we can be is sister/brother. Incredibly annoying brother, sister who does everything. Bye-bye Hollywood romance.
I think it is because getting married was a 'task' and once it was done there is no need to try any more.
amazing explanation about what autism actually is and the struggles, and not sugar coating it.
32 years of frustration, leaving for 5 years and being guilt tripped into coming back and just now realizing what the problem is. He is undiagnosed and doesn't even know that he is on the spectrum. Our son was recently diagnosed at 26 but my husband refuses to believe this. Thank God my son doesn't possess the level of arrogance that his Dad has. God, where do I go from here. He has made me feel like I was crazy all these years. I thought he was just a controlling narcissist.
Sounds exactly like my situation. After 25 years or marriage, 4 years of in and off again, thinking I had serious mental health issues but they only showed up in the relationship now finally learning about this!!! I’m not crazy! Not sure what’s next but at least whatever I decide, it’s with full knowledge. Finally. Finally. The mystery has been solved.
I went through this for 12 years, even lived in a different country with our 2 children away from my friends and family. The mental and verbal abuse I endured has me so traumatized I haven’t dated in years. My son was diagnosed at an early age and I’m starting to see the same rude, antagonistic, gaslighting patterns as his father. I’m having a hard time with this because I don’t want to hate my own child as I do his father & if I was still living overseas with both my children and spouse behaving this way I would’ve offed myself or left the entire family there and never looked back!
@@a.graham3160 It sounds like your ex is a malignant narcissist. I had one like that. I also believe my one child is a narcissist. NOW I have an "aspie" and he's not mean, verbally abusive nor does he use gaslighting abuse. There are also many videos about how to heal from the trauma of a malignant narcissist. Take care of yourself.
I have really suffered,cried,felt empty for 33 years in marriage,I didn't know he suffered from this, until when I listened to this,I have persevered all forms of abuses n mental torture...my God where do I start. ,,,,oh God help me
@@marygraber825 he is definitely a narcissist. Arrogant and never wrong. We divorced in August. He blames me because our adult children want nothing to do with him. Every time they are around him he starts talking bad about me. I am finally free and the happiest I have ever been.
I feel like a line needs to be drawn between the AS/Autism and abusive behavior. I'm on the spectrum, so is my husband, so is my father. My father is exactly who is described in these videos. My husband started off very similar, but has gone to therapy and is changing. I am a little like this too sometimes, but I would never do the things that y'all describe spouses doing and I empathize heavily with having to mother a grown man. But the autism isn't what did this to them, a lack of expectations that they should have emotional intelligence did. We don't expect as much from men and boys as a society and it exacerbates the issues present in AS men/boys. Change is possible though and kudos to that mom/those moms in the comments who is/are teaching her/their son(s) to be better.
I feel this so much. I'm still a student but my boyfriend is on the spectrum. I have ADHD and I've also shown some symptoms of autism but never been diagnosed. My boyfriend and I are in a long distance relationship and I constantly have to mother him and give him this motherly patience. Every time I try to talk about issues in the relationship he shuts it down or says he's busy. I'm so exhausted and cry every day because I want to make the relationship work. I deeply love him but I don't even know if he feels the same for me.
Thank you! I'm reading some of these comments and I'm thinking wow, that's not a symptom of autism, that's abuse. My partner and I are both neuro divergent, and it takes a lot of communication and communication about communication. Talking about how we're going to talk about things when they come up. I have dealt with so many men especially that use a diagnosis as an excuse instead of a tool to better understand themselves. I have a little better understanding than an NT person, but it is still tough. But also it is no excuse for abuse
Yes, autists can learn emotional and behavioral skills development! The diagnosis is not an excuse for them to preserve their unlearned, unregulated behavior!
yes, I have a friend with asperger's who says there are two types of ASD people: nice people and jerks. The nice ones will listen when you point out their awful behavior and try to improve it because they don't want to be mean or rude, it just happens. The other ones (my two ASD parents included) will double down, project it back to you and try to accuse you of being the rude one. Kinda like narcissism.
@@cometasporelcielo The jerks does not always know that other people are not just too sensitive. Because that is the thought that comes to some of us. We think it makes no sense to be emotional about this?
But he doesnt learn no matter how many good strategies are practiced. I’m getting full of anxiety too because now I have to write down the problems and tackle them one at a time now I have to separate the one subject I have a list of problems that may take several months just to talk about but that doesn’t guarantee he is absorbing the info and working on making the change, cause it’s an attack to him, it never ends!
Make an appointment? Is like walking in eggshells and yes the past never got resolved and this husband has been married before he told me “the first wife” was always attacking him then I hear him telling me that!!! Adding alcohol doesn’t make him easy to be around with. Drinking alcohol gives him relief but it makes things worst. Ugh I’m so frustrated! I want to walk away! I’m so glad I found this video thank you!
He doesn’t learn from experience, he blames others (ex-wife, now you…), alcohol makes him relaxed but also more talkative and thus even harder to deal with… you just described a typical ASD person. Painful 😓
Dated a person with high function autistic, it went from love gestures and bonding to "im sorry I don't feel nothing for you" in 8 hours, mind blowing it seems as they also mask a lot and its difficult to know anything, really exhausting even though i was really patient. I'm just glad we were not on something serious
@@FM-zg5hz jaja went to therapy and I'm moving on 😀
The same thing happened to me. Sadly, i was in love by then. So I spend most days missing him and wishing he would be the way he was in the beginning, especially because we still keep in touch. It's really hard for NTs as well.
Happened exactly the same thing to me😢
My son is on the spectrum- I talk to him EVERYDAY about social emotional intelligence.. I do not want his future girlfriend or wife not being able to navigate his spectrum.
It’s easier to start teaching him as he’s young ( he’s now 14) then having to talk to his girlfriend 10 Yrs down the road.
Is your son seeing a professional therapist, one who specializes in autism? Is he involved in groups for autistic teens? Has he taken part in conferences, many of which are online?
Whaaaat? Helpful education intervention?? Nah, we should just electroshock torture them instead when they do something we don't like.
(Just kidding of course, you are an awesome human for treating your son as a real human rather than cattle like so many others on the spectrum are subjected to)
Wow You’re a better Person than me. I wouldn’t wish at ND relationship on Satan at this point. I love my sons but I don’t want them to get married and don’t see myself being able to sit by and watch a DIL lose her life and dreams and spark like I have.
@@julieburck9613 Maybe autistic wives will work out...
@@julieburck9613 Thats an extremely onesided opinion. Not everyone has an issue with autistic behavior and to assume that a relationship would ruin their SOs life is straight up insulting.
I suggest watching some videos from "Autism on the Inside", While I can't speak for its factuality on all fronts, he talks about his perspective on many topics, including relationships.
I went to school, someone I met was working with a neurologist in a lab dealing with autism and one thing they saw a lot in autistic/aspergers was an issue with the regulatory mechanism for synapses connections between neurons. Typically there is a single connection between each neuron but something that happens in autism is you may have several repeat connections between individual neurons and that this does cause exaggerated signal amplification. They were working on trying to find a difference between low and high functioning autism by trying to see if it was the number of connections being too large to be functional or if intelligence affected/mitigated the effects of exaggerated signal amplification.
What she and some people in the lab theorized was this issue with neuronal connection regulation is what causes issues with hyperfocus and anger issues in high functioning autism. External information has 10x the sensory overload causing lights to be brighter, sounds to be louder. The signal amplification overrides the typical regulatory mechanisms for things like filtering white noise. Usually the brain filters white noise because the signal sent from the ear is so low the lower end signals are intentionally filtered out because the signal isn't loud enough. When there is too much signal amplification this makes even white noise loud enough however if the person is focusing the signals for causing sensory mitigation also get over exaggerated.
The effects of intelligence on this is something like one part of IQ is more related to how fast someone can absorb or sort new information. This intelligence is used supeisingly effectively on sorting over exaggerated signals allowing for a highly functional obsessive observational behavior (in otherwords a phenomenal scientific mindset and awful humanitarian mindset). The information gain on obsessions can be extraordinary but there is an intense anxiety and hostility to surprises and external forces. One interesting thing she said was there is a moderate correlation with high functioning autism and both sides of the brain activating when trying to solve a problem when having their brain scanned. If you ask someone with autism to for example come up with as many uses for a rubber tire both sides of their brains light up on a scan (sometimes no favoritism for one hemisphere or another but very little activity comparatively in the amygdala). They often give fewer responses then neuro typical but there is a very odd propensity for all uses to be more "practical" that is neuro typical does not stick to rules and trys to get creative even when the suggestion is absurd but the high functioning autistic person always has a very utilitarian response. Often extremely creative utilitarian responses.
Now this doesn't mean the amygdala is never active. The amygdala is just as capable of signal amplification. What she thinks happens is integration of the "logical brain" and "emotional brain" would cause the brain to be constantly overheating in a sense so the division of emotion and logic is something like a necessary adaptive response to poorly regulated signal amplification. If everything had emotional weight including logical processes the brain would never turn off and even cause positive feedback loops in signal amplification. These moments from what she has seen under neurological scans is the moment you have an autistic meltdown. When both emotions and logical thoughts are motivating each other (mostly out of desperation) which is to say pushing an autistic person to desperation causes the positive feedback of emotional and logical responses which with poor signal regulation means the brain breaks all filters and all the information hits them all at once 10x worse then a typical person ever experiences. This is when you get the desperation in the fight or flight response because it's actually at the point where senses and thought are all akin to white noise and all the matters is it stops.
Low functioning autism seems to be a permanent inability to divide the emotions and logic and low IQ is related to this inability.
Thank you for this amazing insight, as a NT wife this makes so much sense.
I have never seen the emotional side to my husband where it concerns, me.
I have seen him cry over comic book characters but never over myself or our son.
It is still hard to believe that this could actually be because his emotional response would be,” too great” for him to handle or control.
Wow. Thanks again. Once again, however it is always up to me to educate myself about his condition( for years) so I can try to not only survive our marriage but try to make it a happy one. Hard to understand when “ our “high functioning spouse’s “ are such super geniuses in so many other categories.
I had a hopeless crush on Mr. Spock when I was growing up, and then I married him. Now I know Spock’s Mom had a great friend group and probably took a lot of trips on her own.
@@kristywarren3904 they actually call this double empathy. It's not so much autistic people do not have emotions and never cry pr do not concern themselves with others. The necessary reorganization of what classifies something of notable emotional concern is shifted such that what someone can afford to be emotional about shifts because the consequences of being emotional about certain things holds a different stress. As a result autistic people tend to have tons of empathy for other autistic people where they have far less for NT. If they allowed their emotions to be as common as NT's it's would result in catastrophic disfunction. This is why an autistic persons emotions tend to be more in the abstract. It's in the extensiveness of how they like their hobbies but also any actual problem which is emotional is only easier to deal with when the thing the NT person mentions is something of equal complexity to they complexity of their hobbies. If every little thing mattered to would be pushing someone at max capacity 24/7. When only the few highly complicated things matter their pbsessiveness with complexity keeps the negative consequences of the emotional weight at bay Turing it into something like an interest. I get very frustrated at highly petty things because petty things lasting more then a couple days leaves me completely fried because the brain runs overtime trying to comprehend how something petty can be so important. At work I am a scientist but I also know that when I wall into my building it's not a lab it's a buisness. If I run into a scientist who misunderstand that so they complain about many small things because they think a scientist needs infinite concientiousness the irony the the person who is doing the complaining does not understand the extent of the problem whoch they demand tons of tiny considerations. My brain will then try to accommodate the tiny stuff of the scientists, the tiny stuff of the logostician, tiny stuff of the buisnessman etc and suddenly someone insisting a piece of tape is an existential crisis can cause an existential crisis way beyond their expectations in the form of rage because what was just a simple series of abstract steps became a mess of a minefield of infinite complexity in order not to get peoples ire. This is sort of what I mean for double empathy. I can empathize with someone who is abstract about something complicated to get through the day, I cannot empathize the ther person mad about tape.
It's something like there is a bare minimum amount of emotion that has to be expressed before its noticeable. A regular person has a range of 1% to 40% emotion and a high functioning person is 0% then 50% to 110%. Small things can never be 1% they jump to 50% and this appears as someone snapping. If someone wants the tiny think included it basically has to be automated into the person's considerations (organization of the household which is why autism can has some obsessive compulsiveness to it since this is a structured attempt at stopping small things from becoming a 50% of emotions problem). Basically small things are organized in such a way the subconscious effectively manages it so no emotional consideration is necessary. Accommodating the difficulty in the emotional gap of an autistic person and an NT is a logistics game of perspective. One is motivated to minimizing what they are conscious of because more often then not the emotional price of small things is too high to pay constantly.
Your husband probably cries at a comic book because the comic book is discussing he sees as a 50% emotions concern in an appropriate way so its the 50% in relation to a positive thing. Unless an individual issue is of sufficient complexity as to use that 50% emotion in a functional way it will just become a frustrating experience.
There is the term internet autist. Some time ago the shi la bouf guy was trying to place a flag different places and a bunch of people were trolling him. Some people enjoyed this so much that the term internet autist refers to that person who runs on that high level of emotion such that they perform incredible feats with their emotional energy. Someone heard a frog that only existed in a few lakes in one state, saw a plane moving a direction at a specific time and used flight data and trigonometry to pinpoint the exact lake where the flag was located just so they could deface the flag because it was funny to them. That is funny at autistic 50% to 110% emotional run time placed towards entertainment. And the reason for it being entertaining they would probably type up in a summary deserving of a PhD thesis.
I have ASD and always stuck in analysis is so true. I believe that is why we turn to fantasy to get out of analyzing.
Its scary how accurate you are. Its like you know my situation exactly.
25 years married. Believe I have ADHD and hubby ASD (both undiagnosed). Interesting and I believe common combination. All the things you are saying make so much sense. He is so anxious about being criticised, especially as dad to our 5 kids. He is trying so hard but is totally in denial. He said that it is an insult for people who really have ASD for me to think he has it. I will try to learn to talk in terms of needs not emotions. I will try to give him warning of needing to talk. I will try and keep it short and simple. I often get it wrong but I got it right this morning - I told him when I first met him part of what attracted me to him was that he was able to meet my need for hugs/physical touch - please give me hugs more often. He got this and hugged me.
You are right about me imploding and him exploding. However, he has agreed to come to counselling with me which is huge - took 2 years for him to get to this point.
Asking permission to bring up the past is good advice. He always wants to keep the past in the past. I don't think I appreciate the problem his anxiety causes him. He has only recently begun to be willing to talk about being hurt or stressed. The other day I told him one thing he could do differently and he exploded saying I had been telling him off for 45min! He is definitely sensitised to negativity.
His special interest is cows and regenerative agriculture!
I have always said he is negative. He says he is realistic and I am too optomistic.
ASD often grows up with ASD parents and therefore they are seen as normal in their family too.
You’re really good at this, you have an actual understanding.
I have been walking on eggshells for 2 years and I became so avoidant, just hoping we would reconnect. Came home from work 4 weeks ago and he had left a note; gone. He will not speak to me at all since he left. I think my husband has autism but didn't recognise this when we were together. These videos are really helping me as I am totally identifying with all the content. For years I thought I was going crazy and my own health has suffered.
THAT IS NPD. YOU JUST GOT DISCARDED. HE IS WITH NEW SUPPLY. PLEASE STOP TRYING TO JUSTIFY HIS ABUSE.
@@rpmcmurphey927 I completely agree as soon as I read "left a note and was gone, wouldn't speak to me " I was like yeah sounds like a nasty discard. I'm sorry this happened to you!
Any update?
feel your pain. same here..
Thank your lucky stars, he left you know when should live this life
My boyfriend has Asperger’s and I often feel alone in the relationship and his sex drive is low. I love him but am also left feeling unsatisfied and alone.
My husband has ASD and OCPD. I have tried to maximize him, helping in any way I can for his career and personal relationships. He has minimized me, I’m a shadow of who I used to be. He literally missed the birth of our son by choice, and then pretended it was out of his control.
The depression has been numbing and painful all at once. It’s becoming very obvious that he is not capable of changing. I have no hope he will stop micromanaging me, or controlling every detail of our lives. If I didn’t have my baby boy, I would be suicidal.
@@soulsciencewithgia5915 I'm an extrovert who lost a lot of my friends because he couldn't stand hearing them. Couldn't like them. He called me a whore in a group of friends. When I have ever been faithful to him. He has made my friends not like him and I'm stuck in the between. And now through covid it's even worse. I drop my son off at school and make an Amazon drop off at Whole Foods and he facetimes me...followed 3 text throughout the day that I'm taking too long in traffic. I'm with my kids all the time. I would never cheat. But this has been going on for years. My kids notice. I want to not live sometimes. But I have to be strong and know that it isn't me. It isn't my kids. It's him. He's stuck on my past relationships years before I ever met him. I told him about these "neutral" history before I knew he was ASD. It isn't fair. It is every conversation nearly. It's so weird. I can't share. I can't speak. It's all about how he reacts and his world. His mind. It's his world...I don't know what roll I play in it.
@@soulsciencewithgia5915 No. I use to have friends. But now they won't talk to me because I chose to stay in this relationship. I don't believe in talking bad about spouses to friends because then they will just always have that. But he did this all his own. I don't have friends...if we weren't together I would. I was a socialite in Houston. I just need this relationship to work. But if you're talking about a therapist...yes, I can do that.
@@soulsciencewithgia5915 sure. send to my email?
@@HOUSTONSTUDIO can u send me plz the therapist name and contact
@@HOUSTONSTUDIO You should see a therapist who has experience with neurodivergent relationships.
Wow, did this hit home as a NT spouse. Didn’t know about the overdeveloped amygdala but that so makes sense with the anxiety levels of an AS person. Everything you described I have experienced with my AS husband.
This is all so fascinating - overdeveloped amygdala… fight or flight, seeing both sides and analysing the negatives to try to fix avoid learn how to get around next time… worrying about the next step because you have to prepare for possible negative outcomes. So in the home should feel safe /don’t have to ‘perform’ or worry.
My husband IMO has undiagnosed ADHD and Autism. We will have been together 20 years May 6, 2022. Literally half of our lives together. We r 40 and got married when we where 20. This video is a play by play of my life 😢. It’s incredibly lonely and very isolating.
Living all of this. Thank you for the useful tips on how to minimize anxiety for the high function husband. How we approach them is critical for both parties to attempt to resolve problems.
I’m a 39 female with ASD recently diagnosed and I learned so much about myself from watching this video. 🤯
Thank you so very much for these wonderful videos! Your explanations are so very accurate as to what has been happenning in our relationship.
I finally feel like I have shed light on what my dad has, he is over 65, but from years of difficult behaviors to deal with it makes A LOT of sense. Counselors have wondered if it was just narcissism but I think high functioning autism/Asperger’s. This will probably help me heal from childhood traumas of feeling insignificant and less than because he couldn’t connect with me and acted irritated at me, so I tried so hard to appease.
Thank you so much for making this video.
My pleasure!
@@markhutten You will not have any idea, how much you have helped me by sharing this video. I am very very very thankful!!!
I was relieved when I found out my older brother was aspie. Explained a lot. He did scar me for life, very similar to narcissistic abuse. And, my mother was badly affected by him too.
I feel for anyone married to someone like him.
It’s like the want to be in a bubble. But when Aspie is feeling alone and sad he seeks closeness and comfort. But I’m fed up with the high & low. And ready to end all. Nice decent man but the symptoms are too much for long term
Omg it’s like you know myself and my partner, it’s SO SO HARD to be with a partner with AS!! At times I think all people on the spectrum should just date others on the spectrum as the total damage they can do (though no fault of their own) to NT’s is phenomenal.
Im an Aspie and NTs have hurt me more times than I can count
Typical aspie response always the NTs fault
@@roowah33 Didnt say it was always the NTs fault. Just that Ive been hurt by them
@@llarmstrong783 aspi can end up being vulnerable to exploitation as they commonly become co dependent within attachment disorders to an NT. I had this with my ex aspi. I made sure I never exploited his vulnerability. They tend to need an emotional tow through life from the NT. Someone to break the world down for them.
@@moggy992 thank you. I wish people could understand how Aspies are often exploited and mistreated and born into a world not designed for them
Life is short. We only get one go around. Just get out. I am.
Update?
@@skoog5600 did you get out?
🤯 this is my situation 100% this has been amazingly helpful & insightful
I've been unhappily married for 31 years and at last know why!!!!
Thank you so much for the info!
Why do people spend DECADES of their lives in an awful situation???? This is so confusing!
Thanks Mark for all your wisdom regarding Asperger’s. 🥺
Any time
What a God sent this is, you have a gift in this area and you are very generous with it. Thank you!
Yes, yes, and yes, in your description of my husb. This video is on point. I feel like I need a Phd. to learn how to maneuver around him.🤣🤣🤣 However, we get along well.
Your videos are helping me a great deal. Many thanks, Mark. ❤❤
Thank you for you video. I am currently on a break with my bf (one year relationship). When I read all your comments and listen to this video, I see him. He is not diagnosed but I am convinced now that he has AS. We always have arguments about the fact that I don’t understand him while I am just expressing my feelings and He lose all control at this time. I feel like a narcissic monster because he said that I don’t listen to him (while I’m currently always trying my best to make him feel confortable) but it’s never enough. I don’t what to do, it makes me go crazy and I never cried or doubt myself this much since I am with him. But I don’t want to let him alone in this ‘cause I love him so much… but not being supported or understood is really hard everyday. What should I do ?…
SAME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Update?
If you’ve grown up with someone who ignores you, criticizes everything you do, basically a malignant narcissist plus have ASD how do you ever move forward. I’m stuck at some point.
That's me too. I have Aspie traits and severe PTSD from parents
Aspies are criticized and ignored a lot
You should try participating in a bukkake-group.
My last boyfriend had both ASD and narcissism. Half my friends are ASD so that's never an issue. It's just that sometimes someone can be ASD and also abusive.
It's hard because there comes a point where you want to go "no no it's the ASD!" when no, it's just them. And it's not just you, they're the same type of narcissist or abusive to everyone.
(Tricking children to draw your fetish, for example, isn't ASD, it's being trash. Yes this happened.)
@@Alexis-vv5bkmost men are selfish without asperger...
I have done a deep dive into attachment styles and the description for Aspergers sounds pretty much identical to a Dismissive Avoidant attachment style. Right down to the smallest nuances. I learned a lot about this from TH-cam videos put out by the Personal Development School (Thais Gibson) Life changing information.
Yep, gold material she got
As soon as you said ‘deep dive’ I thought, ahh, she must listen to Thais :)
What about the NT's anxiety. Even if I ask him, can we discuss so & so, it's always no. He acts worse than a defiant child. Don't know how much more i can deal with this. He acted like someone else in the beginning, I dont even know who he is anymore. One day he's saying hes sorry, he doesn't realize how evil he sounds. Then couple weeks later, he justifies himself & say I bring him to that point. He's concerned about how he doesn't want to sound like an jerk to others but hes an jerk to me.
This is straight up abuse and autism or not I would leave. My bf has Asperger's and does not act this dismissive and cruel as what you are describing it's not an excuse. Abuse is abuse.
Wow this most certainly explains a lot!!!
I’m 14 min in giving this another listen and many of these hit home. I’m in a relationship and have suspected for awhile if he is on the spectrum. The more time spent and interactions we have, all of this makes perfect sense. When you said “She wants to seek a connection during a crisis and he seeks solitude” he told me that almost verbatim. He says I need to be clear and tell him exactly what I am feeling in the moment so he can understand. The anxiety too is also very present.
Wow thank you so much for this explanation I've been looking for for soooooo long.
You're very welcome!
So how do I make it work! I'm getting mentally exhausted! Feel like I'm alone in a 6 year relationship. Am I wasting my time???
If you want to stay and make it work, the both of you need to stay educated on what works and what doesn’t. Create structure. Compromise. Speak in terms of needs instead of feelings and expectations. Get a therapist. Stop having expectations because the ASD partner may see it as demands
@@Polyrhythmic9-1 we have discussed the difference between wants and need and my needs definitely are not being met in the relationship.
@@susanhuber3658update?
I'm an Aspie, diagnosed 5 years ago in my sixties. The diagnosis was a huge relief and I've since become much more comfortable in my own skin. While over the last 5 years I've had to reframe my entire life, watching your video made me realise something I hadn't thought about before. In the past I've become very irritated with people for their illogical behaviour, not understanding how they can be so stupid. (Illogical Captain!) I can often see straight through their attempts to deceive. On the other hand I can be very dry-eyed for example when people die. Crying after someone has died doesn't achieve anything. We have to look after those we love while they're here with us.
Autistic myself but I have recently been "undiagnosed" at age 40. However my partner has been diagnosed this year and for some reason their symptoms have become so much worse. Conversations constantly go like this:
Me: "I have a problem with X behavior"
Them: "Oh so you mean to say I am a Y kind of person?"
Me: "That's not what I said and it's also not what I meant."
Them: "Well that's what I'm taking from it."
Me: "I am standing here in front of you, specifically choosing the right words and trying to be as clear as possible about X so there's no room for ambiguity."
Them: "So you mean to say I'm Y?"
I really recognized the part about them just filling in the blanks with the most negative doomthink possible and overreact to it.
Personally I'm about done with this relationship after almost 8 years.
This is helpful. Thanks
Glad it was helpful!
What a brilliant informative channel, id ike to say however this also applies to the ASD wife and the NT husband, literally everything spoken in this applies visa versa, thank you for the breakdown, this is really helpful i have shared with my NT husband as we are battling with the same issues with me being the ASD wife and him the NT.
Absolutely
Without an actual diagnosis it's very hard to believe that this behaviour isn't evil. I say that because when they unveil themselves it's like a trap was set. It's like a theft. Its corrupt and insidious. NT wives would not have married the finally unveiled person.
This is the real deal!
@@georginadoll6372 If his behavior "goes away" the second he wants something he's very likely a cluster B, not an autist.
At 40 I just learned I have ASD1.
All throughout my life I would refer to emotions as useless things.
Now it makes sense
3:15 Made me smirk happily.
This is good, thank you for uploading.
Very very good . Thank you so so much this has saved me years of therapy!
Thank you.
I am asberger and I feel very understood now or catched and understand myself better
You're very welcome
This presentation makes my boyfriend so much easier to understand. I've known him for 9 years now, and I recently realized he HAS to be Aspberger's. Listening to this, examining the ideas point by point, I recognize much better now who he is and WHY he is that way. To add to the fun, I have sleepy ADD and many Aspberger's traits too, apparently inherited from my engineer father, who I did not grow up with. After many years of seeking answers to endless questions of "why" I now understand myself so much better too...the main feeling I can relate to and share so well with my boyfriend, who is so much more intelligent than most people would take him for (I have realized he deliberately hides it) is the never-ending frustration with everyday life's smallest challenges (the illogic that is all around) and other people and their strange motives.
Also, to people who stress the love of Jesus and suchlike as a refuge for autistic despair: that idea is so infuriatingly clueless and illogical I can't even convey it to you. It's another massive frustration wall that other people throw up. (My other favorite is: try meditation! I'm in my head all day already. If I really did the stuff recommended I'd just fall asleep.) We need practical solutions, not metaphysical woo. If we had a decent capacity for managing emotion usefully and engaging fantasy figures to help out, we'd've gone there already, we're not stupid. Seriously. We need to process it out, not give it to the celestial cloud. Takes time; you have to get to know yourself.
Doesn't some of the ASD behavior in a relationship could be defined as emotionally, verbally, and mentally abusive? Not asking for a friend.
I'm wondering the same thing 😥
@@kristenfloodkerby5429 yes one broke my legs, fútsa if rage, cheated on me with one particular loser of a sleeze ball, flirt with him in front of my face, lie all the time. When i asked her dad about her behaviour...i was apparently gossiping and a bád partner for wants to know why they had first of dangerous rage, talking to themselves and bád behaviour
Sure, but here's the thing. You have to keep in mind their intentions. I suspect my current bf is an aspie. Now, I've dated a man who was a sociopathic narcissist, and it was quite clear he MEANT to hurt me. He meant to manipulate and control me. And I don't get that sense from my current bf at all. He kind of comes across as robotic and cold at times, but he thinks he's simply being direct. Also, because he has that thing where he simply refuses to discuss relationship problems, I get very frustrated because i'm a talker. Unfortunately, his coldness and his habit of interrupting me if he doesn't like what I'm talking abotu and trying to shut me down, triggers me because my NPD ex used to do that. So to me, it feels abusive. What's also difficult is I've asked him not to do that. But he seems incapable of stopping. When I get on a tear and talk passionately about politics, it overwhelms him for some reason, I think. I take it personally when he tries to get me to stop.
Very very abusive because they have an excuse
@@CarolineViolinMusic what you are describing is a narcissistic personality disorder. These people are chronic cheaters and pathological liars. My ex was always explaining himself, the only thing is common is that ASD and NPD both lack empathy but the difference is the intention. ASD doesnt understand they are doing wrong and their behavious will hurt you. NPD understands that, hurting you is byproduct of their selfishness
Great insights into common habits of man with Asperger's.. Stuck in Logical analysis hinders decision and action. EMOTIONS have gotten in the way for the logical ND man so they are locked up in a closet
Thank you Mr. Hutten!! Thank you!!
You bet!
This is very much my husband and I. To a “T”. But he would never accept that fact that he is high functioning autistic. Anytime the idea of autism or ADHD is mentioned in conversation he dismisses it. Thinks they are unnecessary labels. But it getting to the point that it is a major strain on our marriage. I’m aware that I am ADHD- inattentive. He dismisses it, of course. But over the years my issues have gotten a lot better as my brains has matured. But it seems that his symptoms (of what I believe is Asperger’s) is getting worse with age. How do I go about trying to convey this idea to my husband..?
act out treating him like he has x thing without saying he has to acknowledge that about himself and over time then point out the connections between x thing and how you treat him and his reactions thereto
cause if a fish needs water just give it water you dont need to fight about if its air or water and then after that you can point out the difference between air and water
25 years loneliness with my husband
20 years with mine. I only figured it out around year 12. It is very lonely at times. I’ve had to build my own life as a single-but-married person. I guess I’ve come to terms with having a special needs partner. I’m 82 and he is 40 going on 14.
@@kenneth3813are you really more than 40 years older than your spouse?
Two years later we are divorced. He’s now working and going to the state university nearby, has his own apartment, a good car, full bank account and a hefty annuity if he leaves it alone until he is sixty. It was painful for both but absolutely the best for him as I’m turning eighty five this year and am now living with old friends.
My loved one is doing just fine.
Thank you
Welcome!
Excellent advice. I have a good friend who fits this description and I strive to be patient with him. We are the ones who must show the empathy more, just as we would have loving patience with a person who is born with a shorter leg and you both decide to go for a walk...
I think this mostly applies to ASD husband and NT wife and not vice-versa. Women react slightly different.
Fairly sure we have 2 ASD folks in our household (Me+wife, self diagnosed only) and yea, we have struggles, but it's never like this. This sounds terrible, haha. We struggle with her expecting me to have emotions that I have never given her any reason to think I will display already, but the difference is that she is willing to work with me and me with her in return to we do well and get through conflicts.
Seems to me that 90% of these angry NTs have very little conflict resolution skills and I wonder if they've relied on just getting really mad or sad and their family has solved conflicts for them or they participated in that age-old, monkey brain tradition of "yell it out"... but that's none of my business now is it.
A lot of this sounds like my ex. It’s so confusing bc there were times she would empathize with me, hear me out, hear my concerns about our relationship. She’d promise me she’d change, things would be better & she’d promise she’d get into therapy but then she’d never follow through. There were times where she’d completely understand why I’m feeling the way I am, but then so many other times she would dismiss me, give me the silent treatment, deflect, call me overdramatic. Then after the silent treatment ended, she’d apologize, reassure me, validate my feelings, etc. Super confusing. I used to think she was a narcissist. I know she also has an OCD diagnosis which I think was misdiagnosed. She’s very afraid of abandonment, thinks in black & white, has a long history of lying going back to when she was a kid.
She had a history of lying to me especially lying by omission. She has obsessive/compulsive thoughts & rituals, sensory issues especially with chimes & ceiling fans, high anxiety, struggles in interpersonal relationships, trouble with eye contact. She struggles with life transitions & will stay with people out of comfort & familiarity even if she isn’t happy with them. She told me it took her a year to drive her new car bc it was a tough transition for her.
Can you do a deepdive coverage of the struggles of being a NT husband to a ND wife? We've had some infidelity issues and the emotional changes have been a challenge. I don't see many videos sympathizing with this specific combo on the web and it would be very helpful
I've been through EXACTLY the same thing! Would like to connect with you. Husbands of ASD females are very overlooked
Aspie here. I learned something new. That amygdala information is so usefull and new and yes I am always looking for bad news. and yes I do get stuck on bad news.
True that he disconnects and brush it off when try to discuss relationships concerns. He things things all okay.
I've always wondered why I can have feelings, but then I have to wear an empathetic mask when others talk about their emotions. I've thought something is wrong with me, I'm cold, but as long as I have a minute to think about appropriate responses, then I can appear nurturing. That and a million other things like the above leads me to self-diagnose ASD 1 at 58. Talk about epiphanies.
No offense..but that is how Narcissists and Sociopaths are .
They are also pretending to give a $hit but they really do NOT give a $hit.
Just learning that our child as Asperger’s. And wow this describes my relationship with his dad to a t. 🤦🏽♀️
I see all these comments, and I ask:
Why are you still with your AS partner?
Exactly, these people are insane.
@TH-camUzername People have different reasons why they stay. My husb is on the spectrum. He is a laid-back type of guy. He's an introvert and doesn't show a lot of emotions but will give me the moon if he could. If he was controlling, and verbally abusive I would plan my exit.
This is like selling your entire soul to the devil for a bag of.boiled peanuts.
It's more exhausting than simply selling your soul 😄
Exactly
I am finally leaving my husband of 4+ years as he refuses to understand Asperger's and I simply cannot take any more (especially the rages aimed towards me) Good Luck to all who are willing though.
Sorry to hear that
Update?
@@TH-camUzername - I moved out 1.5 years ago. We are legally separated for financial reasons. I love my life and am so happy, and my life is peaceful and wonderful in every way. We are friends. I help him when he needs help. But because I don't "belong" to him anymore, he can't aim those rages at me. Happy ending to a difficult story. I researched Asperger's myself though, so I can recognize different aspects of it in him.
@@karencarty6530 Wow! What an amazing update! Congratulations on getting your life back, much success in your future!
It's practically impossible to have a relationship with this kind of man, just save yourself and get out of the relationship, the only thing a relationship with a man like this will do it ruin you and your health. GET OUT!
One has to wonder if 98% of men have AS. (sigh)
If you have to practically hold his hand through any emotional turbulence, how is this even considered a relationship?
@@flawedplan sounds like an even worse bet
Because relationships are more than emotions. Now remove Tab A from Slot B and go about your day.
The emotional turbulence will 90 percent of the time be sourced from the NT spouse or s.o. A.S. people don't lie often, don't play mind games, rarely cheat if ever.
It's not that every turbulence always needs handholding it's more like how to navigate difficult situations better, or how to have better communication and relationships on a daily basis, and how to make sure both partners feel loved. It's rare that any one individual is going to be completely like all this all the time, this is just a boot camp on common problems.
I think one reason my wife is attracted to me is because I'm stable: I'm not like her abusive stepdad at all. But that stability comes at the cost of not being very emotional: when I let my emotions get the best of me I end up getting in trouble, so I keep them in check out of habit. That's good for some things, not so good for other things. It's also on me to get more in touch with my positive emotions which isn't really part of this video.
Pretty sure my husband has asbergers. One of his many diagnoses I was blissfully unaware of before we married. I plan to find a therapist who specializes in helping a spouse dealing with asbergers male.
I disagree with none of this. Bravo!
Not only spouses behaving like this. There are guys who behave exactly like this. You repeat yourself 3000 times and sometimes they don’t get it and you as a woman learn in hard way to shut your mouth and keep working on yourself. Trying to no more misunderstanding or a big foolishness argument. It’s so exhausting
SO INFORMATIVE!!! THANK YOU X 1000!!!
It is possible the NT spouse also has traits that would make any relationship problematic. I accept as someone on the spectrum I may not be easy to live with but it's not helped when the wife dishes out constant criticism, put downs, name calling and expletive laden abuse. She never apologises for anything as she is never at fault and cannot take any criticism herself. Explaining anything is beneath her. I'm expected to just do as she says without question and know her every emotion automatically. Discussing our problems has proved impossible, however I try. We tried marriage guidance, twice. Both times she fell out with the councillor. Add in some OCD and a germ obsession (made worse by Covid 19) and it can only end in tears. I still love her but I cannot see any end to this. After 6 years, I've filed for divorce.
Absolutely, as an NT, I know I have tons of traits that make relationships problematic. I have an anxiety disorder I've struggled with for years. I have PTSD. Been cheated on multiple times, so I have problems trusting. It makes relationships with ANYONE a huge challenge for me. I just broke up with someone I love like crazy, but we have huge communication issues, and I think he may have Aspergers. Imagine two people with out of control anxiety trying to have a conversation about relationship problems. ugh
Many non autistic people are crazy or mean or have previous trauma that messes up relationships. Of course. These videos are made to help NT people understand and act appropriate to AS people and not misinterpret them, because if we apply NT intent to AS people it will end badly. NT people are manipulative in their relationships with each other, so sometimes well think AS people are manipulating us. But we should recognise that generally AS people aren't doing that. This is a misunderstanding we can have we don't need to be having.
Good for you! Some abusive partners will think they are doing you a favor by being in a relationship with someone on the spectrum. Know your worth! The time you spend with yourself after the divorce might end up being some of the best times of your life. When you date again, though, remember the warning signs so you don't end up with that kind of person again.
It’s because she doesn’t understand what the fuck is going on and then when she figures it out sometime, she fucking forgets that he’s not an asshole he just has Asperger’s
This is so illuminating. Has anyone experienced Christian healing from Asperger's?
I don’t know about healing, but a Christian who follows Jesus and puts His teachings into practice will develop valuable social and emotional skills.