One of the main ways my mother doesn't (and didn't) see/hear me is through her compulsive advice-giving. When I share a problem with her or literally any feelings of discontent whatsoever, her immediate response is always to always try to "fix" my problem for me by giving me advice (she's a DA with poor emotional boundaries so my emotional pain is her emotional pain and she doesn't know how to hear her own emotional pain in a nonjudgmental way). I've realised recently that, 99% of the time, when I share my feelings or any sort of situation with a problem or conflict in it, what I'm looking for is my feelings to be understood and validated first and foremost. My mother is trying to stop giving me advice when I share something, but then she simply doesn't say anything at all after I've shared something. She doesn't realise that there's any other way of 'hearing' someone other than judging what they've said and giving advice. I have tried the approach of asking for what I need by breaking down what I'd like her responses to be like in a methodical way (surely this would be helpful for people with DA attachment style). 1) check understanding by repeating what I said back to me/summarise: "what I'm hearing you say is..." 2) validate: "yeah, that must be really hard" 3) empathise: "if I were you, I'd probably feel that way too" 4) ask questions from a place of open-ended curiosity; this shows me that she cares about my experience and me opening up is not a burden on her and 5) express her belief in my strength and her willingness to support me "I believe in you/you can do this and please let me know if there's anything I can do to support you". I'm not holding my breath that she'll actually be able to change though, but it is important for me to learn to ask for what I need. There's a good Ted talk called 'how to tame your advice monster" that I'd recommend (I need to work on not giving unsolicited advice myself!)
I think the difference is you take talking as a form of bonding experience. Your mother takes it as simple communication. So you may get something out of just talking (i.e. bonding), but to her there has to be a point to talking. So she gives advice or says nothing and let's you vent.
Wow soo insightful I'm at a loss for words. Such powerful words create a domino of aha moments .."CHOOSE to ALLOW yourself the RIGHT to hold SPACE to VALIDATE yourself in order to RESET your preconditioned BELIEFS in your own SELF WORTH This way you become WORTHY ENOUGH to be you." Thank you🙏🏽
So being completely IGNORED explains why I've had pressure pains behind my eyes and nose for 40 YEARS. I've had to leave jobs due to the facial pain, it's been unbearable. Also, I've got Hypoglycemia, low blood sugars, I wonder if this was also due to ongoing childhood abuse (neglect/exploitation/emotional abuse) & my unheard rage back towards my parents ? Most physical illnesses are caused by stress/trauma/pent-up triggers and emotions.
What happens when you’ve done all those actions to family members but still feel unseen/unheard. In other words they disregard your feelings? I even feel this way with my kids. No one listens to me. Even though I’ve used these recommendations, esp communicating desire for empathy.
my family are the people that don't see or hear me and taught me that I am not deserving of it. As I did more of this work, i ended up cutting them off. You do not have to carry your family or anyone if they don't see hear or love you. with kids you can change that anytime. unless they are adults and then - you don't have to be with them either.
@@TravelMamaAnnaVon I am unfortunately coming o this realization now and it saddens me that I can’t have a relationship with my family but I can’t take this anymore
@@Dlovesyou1 you are allowed to grieve. if yu keep doing the work, you will let them go with love. espeially inside. they will not have that power anymore. i finally let both my parents go this year and it totally liberated me and I havve the best group around me now. everything improved, even my relationship with my daughter once I let them go. But I had to do it from inside me first. you can do this. I believe in you and you deserve love
I share sometimes in fb groups and although I state my needs and question very clear, people still not hear me and comment all kinds of mean irrelevant stuff. Its only logical that I withdrawl, because I will not beg for someone to hear and respect me. It sucks because I go to these fb groups because I reach out for help (which is already scary in itself) and to then be treated in this way is very retraumatizing...
@@Katrica670 yhup, they get angry and start to say I'm disrespectful and should be an obedient child, etc. I'm still young and I am dependent on them. My needs may also be denied if I try to create a boundary.
@@kendinjeru2516 Oh okay I get that. Thanks. I have a question though, will the belief of being unsafe to be enforced if my needs are being unmet by my caretakers, despite taking steps to be heard and seen by probably my friends and S.O (I can't really get out of this relationship with my caretakers, at least not yet). Will it make my reprogramming work futile?
Well I found out a lot about myself and me dismissive ex What do I do to talk to her after she’s gone into her passive aggressive stage? I emailed and told Her figured us and understand everything and I don’t want to give up and I know why your being silent and don’t want to cross you boundary but ready to talk I loved tooout and now I’m trying to learn how to reprogram. How are the courses? I want to beable to change and hopefully show her one day I’m a fearful avoidant. And I k ow why I did the things I did now lol I’m like Dr Jekyll and me hide in a relationship
Honestly, the courses really do help. If the inner work not done and the wounds not healed the same subconscious behaviors, thoughts and patterns will emerge. For you the intro FA course and emotional mastery course will help you understand your patterns and behaviors and also your triggers. Tools to help you identify and clear core beliefs that can really effect how we show up not just in relationships but all areas of life. I wish you well Michael - PDS team member
The courses and videos help. But FYI, if she doesn't do the same... Show up and do the work, well, you can't save a relationship on your own. Lead by example. Heal yourself. She'll notice. And then maybe she'll listen and do her half of the healing. Good luck.
@@IronX77 well we talked a little today she is mad about a bill but deep down I think it’s more I try to explain and sent her some of the videos. Not sure if she knows what’s wrong but I did tell her somethings to think about like the cheating how. It felt as in compared on the relationship. Think of the reason she did it. I told her my reason because I felt like the one I cheated with was giving me what she wasn’t. Told her I believe she did the things to push away but she felt uncomfortable on our relationship she doesn’t know I know a lot what she did. But it was like a escape for here
feeling like and your thoughts, ideas and opinions don't matter and when you express them you feel like you're dismissed or not considered. - PDS team member
@@ThePersonalDevelopmentSchool thank you so that's the heard part. So what about the seen part pertaining to friends and close relatives. What would that 👀 like?
Jesus is the way the truth and the life, No one gets to the Father but by him. Jesus died so that you can have everlasting life. Place your faith on Jesus. Trust Jesus. Jesus saves. God bless you all
Intro ends at 2:28
After 48 years, im starting to have a relationship with myself...thanks to YOU!!! 💗
One of the main ways my mother doesn't (and didn't) see/hear me is through her compulsive advice-giving. When I share a problem with her or literally any feelings of discontent whatsoever, her immediate response is always to always try to "fix" my problem for me by giving me advice (she's a DA with poor emotional boundaries so my emotional pain is her emotional pain and she doesn't know how to hear her own emotional pain in a nonjudgmental way). I've realised recently that, 99% of the time, when I share my feelings or any sort of situation with a problem or conflict in it, what I'm looking for is my feelings to be understood and validated first and foremost. My mother is trying to stop giving me advice when I share something, but then she simply doesn't say anything at all after I've shared something. She doesn't realise that there's any other way of 'hearing' someone other than judging what they've said and giving advice. I have tried the approach of asking for what I need by breaking down what I'd like her responses to be like in a methodical way (surely this would be helpful for people with DA attachment style). 1) check understanding by repeating what I said back to me/summarise: "what I'm hearing you say is..." 2) validate: "yeah, that must be really hard" 3) empathise: "if I were you, I'd probably feel that way too" 4) ask questions from a place of open-ended curiosity; this shows me that she cares about my experience and me opening up is not a burden on her and 5) express her belief in my strength and her willingness to support me "I believe in you/you can do this and please let me know if there's anything I can do to support you". I'm not holding my breath that she'll actually be able to change though, but it is important for me to learn to ask for what I need. There's a good Ted talk called 'how to tame your advice monster" that I'd recommend (I need to work on not giving unsolicited advice myself!)
I think the difference is you take talking as a form of bonding experience. Your mother takes it as simple communication. So you may get something out of just talking (i.e. bonding), but to her there has to be a point to talking. So she gives advice or says nothing and let's you vent.
Wow soo insightful I'm at a loss for words. Such powerful words create a domino of aha moments .."CHOOSE to ALLOW yourself the RIGHT to hold SPACE to VALIDATE yourself in order to RESET your preconditioned BELIEFS in your own SELF WORTH This way you become WORTHY ENOUGH to be you." Thank you🙏🏽
What you describe here, especially at the end, is beautiful. I can't wait to start practicing.
wow! may be the most thorough reprogramming video i have seen on this channel.
Conversely, in accepting your invisibility as a super power you can strike unseen!
So being completely IGNORED explains why I've had pressure pains behind my eyes and nose for 40 YEARS. I've had to leave jobs due to the facial pain, it's been unbearable. Also, I've got Hypoglycemia, low blood sugars, I wonder if this was also due to ongoing childhood abuse (neglect/exploitation/emotional abuse) & my unheard rage back towards my parents ? Most physical illnesses are caused by stress/trauma/pent-up triggers and emotions.
Thais you're helping me change my life! I have no words to express my gratitude! ❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️
Thais, you are my idol! I really admire what you do!
This is so helpful and makes so much sense!!
Thais, I love your new look and your suit!
Thank you for this! 😍😍❤️❤️☺️☺️
What happens when you’ve done all those actions to family members but still feel unseen/unheard. In other words they disregard your feelings? I even feel this way with my kids. No one listens to me. Even though I’ve used these recommendations, esp communicating desire for empathy.
my family are the people that don't see or hear me and taught me that I am not deserving of it. As I did more of this work, i ended up cutting them off. You do not have to carry your family or anyone if they don't see hear or love you. with kids you can change that anytime. unless they are adults and then - you don't have to be with them either.
@@TravelMamaAnnaVon I am unfortunately coming o this realization now and it saddens me that I can’t have a relationship with my family but I can’t take this anymore
@@Dlovesyou1 you are allowed to grieve. if yu keep doing the work, you will let them go with love. espeially inside. they will not have that power anymore. i finally let both my parents go this year and it totally liberated me and I havve the best group around me now. everything improved, even my relationship with my daughter once I let them go. But I had to do it from inside me first. you can do this. I believe in you and you deserve love
@@Alphacentauri819 thanks so so much for taking the time to write this. Makes a lot of sense ♥️ I appreciate you. Blessings and love 🤗♥️
@@TravelMamaAnnaVon thanks so much ♥️
Thank you. This is helpful ❤
I share sometimes in fb groups and although I state my needs and question very clear, people still not hear me and comment all kinds of mean irrelevant stuff.
Its only logical that I withdrawl, because I will not beg for someone to hear and respect me.
It sucks because I go to these fb groups because I reach out for help (which is already scary in itself) and to then be treated in this way is very retraumatizing...
Wow. Thank you 🙌🏾❤
How do I practice been seen and heard with a strict parent?
Whoa that's tricky!
6:19
@@Katrica670 yhup, they get angry and start to say I'm disrespectful and should be an obedient child, etc. I'm still young and I am dependent on them. My needs may also be denied if I try to create a boundary.
@@florenceofori7930 yep they totally deny your ways of feeling! 😢😥😓😰
@@kendinjeru2516 Oh okay I get that. Thanks. I have a question though, will the belief of being unsafe to be enforced if my needs are being unmet by my caretakers, despite taking steps to be heard and seen by probably my friends and S.O (I can't really get out of this relationship with my caretakers, at least not yet). Will it make my reprogramming work futile?
Well I found out a lot about myself and me dismissive ex What do I do to talk to her after she’s gone into her passive aggressive stage? I emailed and told Her figured us and understand everything and I don’t want to give up and I know why your being silent and don’t want to cross you boundary but ready to talk I loved tooout and now I’m trying to learn how to reprogram. How are the courses? I want to beable to change and hopefully show her one day I’m a fearful avoidant. And I k ow why I did the things I did now lol I’m like Dr Jekyll and me hide in a relationship
Honestly, the courses really do help. If the inner work not done and the wounds not healed the same subconscious behaviors, thoughts and patterns will emerge. For you the intro FA course and emotional mastery course will help you understand your patterns and behaviors and also your triggers. Tools to help you identify and clear core beliefs that can really effect how we show up not just in relationships but all areas of life. I wish you well Michael - PDS team member
The courses and videos help. But FYI, if she doesn't do the same... Show up and do the work, well, you can't save a relationship on your own. Lead by example. Heal yourself. She'll notice. And then maybe she'll listen and do her half of the healing. Good luck.
@@IronX77 well we talked a little today she is mad about a bill but deep down I think it’s more I try to explain and sent her some of the videos. Not sure if she knows what’s wrong but I did tell her somethings to think about like the cheating how. It felt as in compared on the relationship. Think of the reason she did it. I told her my reason because I felt like the one I cheated with was giving me what she wasn’t. Told her I believe she did the things to push away but she felt uncomfortable on our relationship she doesn’t know I know a lot what she did. But it was like a escape for here
I know what being seen or heard means per se but what does it mean precisely?🤔🤔
feeling like and your thoughts, ideas and opinions don't matter and when you express them you feel like you're dismissed or not considered. - PDS team member
@@ThePersonalDevelopmentSchool thank you so that's the heard part. So what about the seen part pertaining to friends and close relatives. What would that 👀 like?
@Globe Lights oh thank you. That's a great way to 👀 being 👀!
@Globe Lights amazing response - PDS team member
@@Alphacentauri819 oh wow that was very profound! Thank you!
This is totally brilliant
NICE
Are love avoidant narcissist? I’ve see she I was that with me and addict outside relationship
Hi. How do I make my DA boyfriend spend more time with me without putting any pressure on him ?
Find a boyfriend who isn't a DA.
Its been 2 years already i hope u had broken up with him, da is horrible
Jesus is the way the truth and the life, No one gets to the Father but by him. Jesus died so that you can have everlasting life. Place your faith on Jesus. Trust Jesus. Jesus saves.
God bless you all