Can You TRUST Your Partner After They CHEATED? | Esther Perel
ฝัง
- เผยแพร่เมื่อ 16 ต.ค. 2020
- Psychotherapist and New York Times bestselling author Esther Perel is recognized as one of today’s most insightful and original voices on modern relationships. Her celebrated TED talks have garnered more than 20 million views, and she travels the world to speak about love, sex, intimacy, and infidelity. She is the host of the popular podcast Where Should We Begin? in which she conducts therapy sessions with real couples.
Recently Esther just came out with a new podcast called How’s Work?. In this podcast, Esther addresses workplace relationships, conflicts, and business negotiations via therapy sessions with coworkers and colleagues. How’s Work? is available on Spotify and wherever you get your podcasts!
The first time Esther Perel came on the podcast, she blew me away with her insights about love and intimacy. (A few hundred thousand downloads of that episode later and I know I’m not the only one!). When I had her at the Summit of Greatness, people booed me as I had to wrap up our Q&A - they wanted to hear more.
She truly is an expert on modern relationships, and I was so excited to learn about what she had to say about relationships in the workplace.
If you want to learn more about creating healthy workplace relationships, resolving conflict, and more about fostering intimate relationships with your partner, then tune into Episode 929 to hear from the queen of relationships herself, Esther Perel.
You can follow Esther at:
Instagram: / estherperel. .
Facebook: / esther.perel
Twitter: / estherperel
TH-cam: / perelesther
Website: estherperel.com/
You can follow Lewis at:
Website: lewishowes.com/
Instagram: / lewishowes
Facebook: / lewishowes
Twitter: / lewishowes
-----
Lewis Howes' New Book - The Mask of Masculinity
lewishowes.com/man
-----
Lewis Howes is NY Times Bestselling author, entrepreneur, and former professional Arena League football player. He hosts The School of Greatness, a talk show distributed as a podcast. Learn and hear the stories of various successful people around the world, become inspired, motivated and educated with the SCHOOL OF GREATNESS. lewishowes.com/book
It hurts so much when someone cheats on you within a relationship and they act like nothing is going on and it's all in your imagination. I think staying single is less stress!! I don't think I will ever trust anyone ever again.
Yeah it hurts especially if they completely deny the cheating just because it wasn’t physical. Pursuing/flirting/validating/seeking attention/emotionally supporting another person on a daily consistent basis while being in a committed relationship with another is considered CHEATING. You are not respecting your partner.
I'm sorry but I have to tell you to grow up. This is life, ppl are not responsible for how we feel. You are responsible for how you feel. I used to judge ppl who cheated until I myself made the same mistake I never thought I would. Now I know both sides. Trust me, being the one who did the wrong is the worst nightmare. I spent 7 years depressed and guilty, no self esteem at all. I would give everything to be on the other side, I would rather be cheated than to cheat. In the end we're just ppl acting according to our NATURE. No one is the victim or the perpetrator. The ONLY way to stop suffering is to get knowledge and mature. It is easy to judge ppl until you are the one who makes a mistake. I wish everybody would make that mistake so they would understand what happens to the other side.
@@Unconditional---love I disagree a bit with you. I didn't deserve to be cheated on and it was bad behaviour. I told my BF in month 3, that if he wanted to play the field, as I was suspecting he was, then please let me go. I know he was lying from early on. The dishonesty that's what hurts. I am done with trusting men and I am happier alone. I have no desire to go back into any more relationships.
@@newworldlove7031 Your decision on whether or not you should continue seeking a relationship should not be because you were cheated on. Instead realize that the person who cheated on you isn't worth your time, move on and find different people.
@@newworldlove7031 The fact that he cheated speaks volumes about him and means nothing about you. When someone cheats, that's a reflection of their internal world. He doesn't love and respect himself, so he's not ready to provide any real love to anybody. However, its really important for you to think about what role you play in your relationships as well. 99% Of the time, we play a role in the chaos and its SO important to take accountability for that so that you can learn.
What role did you play in the chaos of your relationship? What happened within yourself that your intuition told you that your bf was cheating but you chose to ignore it? Do you trust yourself and your judgement? Do you often play the victim in situations in your life? Does being a victim mean you are always the one who is right and others in your life are always wrong? How does it feel for you to be wrong? What does it mean about yourself if you are wrong?
I used to always be the victim in every single relationship/situation/etc. My partners were always "evil" "manipulative" etc etc the list goes on. I started looking deeper into what role I played in the disfunction and why being the "innocent" or "good partner" was so important to me. To me, being wrong meant that I'm not perfect, and my relationship with perfection has always been a tough one for me. When I started looking within, I became more *accountable* for my own actions and stopped trying to blame others for hurting me, only realizing I was in a way hurting myself with my lack of boundaries, invisibility and not caring to get to know myself more.
Cheating is not a mistake it's a choice and obviously the person who cheating make the choice to cheat
@@operationmockingbird216 the pragmatic tactic is to leave the person
If cheating is a choice like you say. Then why do so many treat Chester's like it's the only choice? When they cheat it's like they never loved the one they were with first. I know a lot girls always say "you gave me no choice, but to cheat. So it's you're fault. You're mistake." I never made the mistake of cheating. When the choice arrived. I declined every time. The mistake and choice seems true on both sides.
Cheating is a choice made by the cheater and has nothing to do with anyone.
@@Tj_edin Just the people who do make the choice to cheat.
yes, but its not black and white , theres grey yellow
blue and green
Once it's done it's done no more trust
Never ever deal with a cheater again, just walk away, there tons of billions people on this beautiful planet earth, someone out there waiting a matter of time.
@@leticiadreyes6724I have to agree. It's not easy walking away but to stay often only breeds resentment and toxicity to all parties involved.
The people who have betrayed my trust have been banished from my eternal journey.
IMPOSSIBILE! Everytime you see him talking to a Woman or when he comes home late...your thinking he may be cheating. What kind of life is that??
Exactement !
@Ava Isabella You can ALWAYS find out. They start treating you like SHIT!! Don't make excuses for BAD treatment!
@avai sabella how much does this guy charge
infidelity is always a possibility there is no guarantee depending upon the person it is just a lot less likely but never impossible it is not a question of stabbing someone in the back you translate someone else's actions upon how that may affect you emotionally , men and women do this because of how they feel towards the other person it is not necessarily about how you feel or how they feel about you
Excellent point. The price to pay for enduring and Infidelity is a life sentence of doubts and insecurities. No life at all.
My ex wife's cheating destroyed my entire life.
Am in that situation now.its heating me alot
How do you heal
@@zeearif7381 with time. its been 4 years since i found out, 1 since my divorce. My situation included someone who constantly gaslit during the reconciliation, refused to not blame me for her choices, and was consistently complaining to people about how I don't care about her enough (none of those people knowing what she did). If you partner or spouse is doing this, do not stay. leave. Healing will come, but you can't heal with someone who doesn't care about you to that extent. take walks, get fit, learn a new skill. Take all your inadequacies and ask yourself if they are true or not. Be honest about it with yourself. If you're overweight, accept it and fix it. If you have a weakness that bothers you, work on it and be diligent. You have to create a new life for yourself, its hard and it takes work. It is doable though.
my wfie cheated for 7 years and when confronted.. she said he is no one and just a good friend. I asked 100 of times and she made me cried, degraded me level with all mean words and finally when I caught she stopped shouting. Now she is like foret this topic.. there is nothing wrong. We are not talking any more and worst part is that she is in another country. #communication gap and height of ignorance.
I’m so sorry for your pain. My husband’s cheating destroyed my life as well.
I don't ever think I could ever trust again after being betrayed like that. Infidelity is a dealbreaker for me.
I would never look at him the same way again.
Exactly. You see them in a new negative light and this is the issue. The love has gone.
Amazingly wise person! Thank you, Esther🙏❤
So very, very well balanced view on life. I am greatful!
ESTER YOU ARE BRILLIANT!!! AMAZING!!
I really enjoyed listening to her 🥰🥰🥰
I love this brilliant woman!! 🥰
Why would you ever try to trust someone who proves they are a liar? Never again.
It’s not you who have trust issues, it’s them who have trustworthiness issues.
I agree.
You don’t have to trust! You can move on. Life is short so he shouldn’t care. Why do people even care
So you have never ever lied about anything in your whole life? In my eyes expecting a partner to be superhuman is the safest recipe for a failing relationship. I want my partner to be human and I love his fallibility.
@@timm.8729 I agree lol too much pressure around here but it's good to open up for discussion
BIG DIFFERENT BETWEEN SHAME AND GUILT! The cheaters feel more sorry for themselves than for you!
I just recently caught my husband cheating and it is devastating. I’m questioning everything now. I feel so broken and warm down.
Move on. You deserve better. It's not your fault.
I understand….I am 71; my husband is 76. Found out in December, he has been in an affair with a woman 15 years younger than him for 15 months. His health is fragile; I am a retired nurse….have been through SO much with/for him, including a lung transplant, in the past 6 years. This GUTTED me, in ways not too many people can understand. YET, I was advised, by an attorney, to “stick it out”. Because, everything “we” have….all in a Trust, will be taken from me. Sixteen years, 7 of those being his “nurse”, will mean NOTHING in a California court. I could VERY possibly, be left with NOTHING!!……What choice do I have, but to TRY to forgive him, and move “forward”??!!!……NOT for the weak….I promise you!!! 🥺💔
@@katetucker9992 wow! I’m sorry you are going through this. How does someone live a double life for soooo long. It boggles my mind
Stay Strong I’m on year 2 and I don’t trust him 90% still! I will Never trust him or his Spiritual Mistress again!
@@katetucker9992 Oh Kate, that SUCKS!
When he gets sick again, do as little as humanly possible and make him have his paramour take over many of the menial tasks such as feeding him and butt wiping. Let’s see how long that will last.
You, after all, are much more medically informed than she, therefore your invaluable talents are needed for his recovery.
I’m so saddened by your discovery and know the feeling of that gut punch. Please surround yourself with supportive people and keep looking forward.
Aragh, always reasons people cheat.. had it done though to me..
He said he was sorry and was messed up.. that was his excuse" I was messed up." I loved him and though I tried to move on from it, I was still grieving , what I thought.
This is such good information here. Wow! Very clever
Glad you enjoyed it!
Cheating is another form of disrespect towards your partner . They don’t know what it does to the person who is being cheated to the emotion and self value , you starts questioning yourself worth .
I say once a cheater is always a cheater period ! You better off alone than be with someone who cheats.. no trust no foundation relationship is going to fail 💯💯
we as humans are capable of more feelings than just lust or love and for more than just the one person , the disrespect even when out of fear lies in dishonesty not infidelity by definition what if your girlfriend also is in love with another , she doesn't deserve a judgement of being a bad person
@@youtubefans510bullshit. Pick one. Don’t make a fool and ruin someone’s life for your selfishness.
Ok the whole once a cheater always a cheater I combat that. I had cheated in one of my relationships, I was mortified when I realized what I was doing. I told my girlfriend at that time I confessed to her. She was willing to forgive me but I couldn't forgive myself, I packed my stuff and left. I was disgusted with myself, for the next 3 years I was punishing myself. I never wanted to do that ever again I resolved myself to never cheat again. My next relationship I married her and she cheated on me -_-.
@@therai300Welp. At least you learned your lesson.
Once a cheater always a cheater is 1000% a myth.
Thank you for this, really appreciate it
So glad you enjoyed it! Appreciate you for watching!
In order to move on and trust again you must put all that pain and hurt, the act of the affair, all of it... put it behind a door and lock it then toss the key. Dont talk about it again. If you leep the affair in your mind, think about now and again, wonder what the person is doing if they are late from work or dont respond immediately to calls and texts, you will be consumed with the fear and pain of being cheated on again. Forgiveness is not easy
Forgiveness does not mean you will stay together
Forgiveness is not a crutch
Forgiveness is tough
I've tried this after my Mrs cheated on me.
She to this day has never admitted it.
It is obvious it happened.
Story changes every time etc and just simply know it happened.
99%of the time I forget it.
1% of the time it kills me (usually after an argument)
Me being stupid stayed with her.
That 99% of our relationship is amazing so it's hard to leave her over that 1% but it's that 1% that breaks me.
@@ws8668
If 99% is great then the 1% could be bearable. Thats how I would weigh it out. Hell, My relationship isn't 99% great all the time! 🤣
Just think, people that are unhappy 99% of the time and only happy 1% of the time stay together forever.
no way id stay with someone of things aint 100%. i would NOT tolerate 1% of anyone's bs cos if she really wanted ya she would be all in 100%. the fact someone would cheat shows they arent bothered about you or the concequwnces and that its an acceptable loss to get someone else.
@@ws8668mental gymnastics bro. She broke the promises and vows you took on your wedding day. She destroyed the marital covenant by defiling your marriage bed. She consciously and with malice, made hundreds of decisions to lie, abuse, and disrespect you. She chose to trade body fluids with another person outside your marriage, and come home and kiss you with that same mouth. Where is the 99%? The truth is that 1% of a metric tonne of shit, is a whole lot of shit! You are afraid of being alone, and you may have kids. Many of us feel that same pressure, but if you stay, everyone dies from this poisonous thing that you call reconciliation with a cheater. You can't save anyone or anything until you save yourself from your abuser. Seeking comfort from her is simply pathological.
Thank you @src3360. I will try.
Her words make so much sense. Amazing woman
I have a 0 tolerance policy for cheating. I talked to her but she had to know that it was it. I walk away for good. It's not worth it in the long run. Sometimes cheating results in the fault of both. I worked on my mistakes that allowed me to be cheated on and better for it.
THE TRUTH ABOUT DISHONESTY IN A RELATIONSHIP :
A relationship expert says this : Dishonesty is often a sign of a deeper problem in the relationship. “If someone can’t be honest, it’s because they’re frightened of telling the truth,” says Norris. “It’s very easy to lay the blame at the feet of the one who’s being dishonest, but YOU SHOULD LOOK AT WHY THIS PERSON CAN'T BE HONEST WITH YOU !!!
If I engage in infidelity, it couldn't be helped! Forces beyond my control...! But if you engage in infidelity, there is something fundamentally bad about you.
An experts opinion : A man is by nature polygamous , monogamy and fidelity are unnatural situations propagated by religious beliefs and social pressures A man is visual and logical in nature for him it’s just a physical release that’s got nothing to do with love (thats why monogamy and fidelity creates so many problems because it is unnatural ) another expert's opinion : The probability of cheating in monogamy is high. Most of the times the relationship becomes a lie and lose it's complete meaning, because of the imposed restrictions and limitations.
Procreation is such a strong biological drive that only few people can resist the temptation to cheat even most women People cheat on who they love all the time. Monogamy is just not a natural thing. Even if you are faithful you still have to fight the urge to cheat. We’d do better as a culture if we could exercise a little more tolerance, acceptance and honest discussions around sex, desire and marriage, and try to be less rigid in our idealistic views of monogamy.
a survey has revealed that 74% of men and 68% of women would have sex with someone else if it were guaranteed that their spouse would not find out !!! Whatever you opinion is about this : this means : your friends, your family, your brother, your sister, your cousin, your sister in law or your neighbour etc. That’s not just considering it they would actually be unfaithful !!! Its not just considering it they would actually do it The same people who judge and condemn others for their infidelity and
this means that people are either faithful out of fear of potential discovery and the consequences thereof or are unfaithful listen to youtube clip :
women hate to hearing the hard truth
“Monogamy is just not a natural thing” is complete bullshit. Monogamy has been the preferred mating arrangement among humans for the past 3 million to 7 million years. Ya know, back before religions and churches and husbands and wives existed.
It is not difficult to fight the urge to cheat. I have a fairly high body count for my age with most originating while being single. Throughout my four long term relationships I’ve entered into however, not once did I have to fight the urge to cheat. In fact I don’t even remember cheating being an option, even when the opportunity to do so presented itself so blatantly. Apparently, I’m not a self absorbed person. Geez….
Remaining with the person who hurt you and cheated on you is not easy. But also for the wayward spouse remaining with the person you hurt and see their pain YOU caused is not easy. It is a long and painful road to recovery and I understand it is not for everybody. It is a possibility for those who really want to give each other a chance. It did work for us.🥰
sadly that way you potentially increase the possibility of secrets and lies if you lay down the law on her
it is only unconditional love that is real love , the more away from that the less genuine or deep
You don’t cheat on someone you love because you don’t want to. Simple
sadly the last part of that sentence after because appears not to be true ,
my late uncle cheated , he liked the other woman , but he still loved his wife , precisely that is very possible , don;t jump to conclusions to quickly but don;t rule it out either
I agree, when you love someone you will not hurt them intentionally. And cheating is hurting that other person.
I still may piss off my wife from time to time...But I am not going to hurt her intentionally.
We definitely don't want to hurt the people we love.
hard to say you know sometimes it isn't easy to let it go and trust him immediately . anyway, luckily it didn't happen to me so i have no experience with this . but i do have experience with natural drops Spanish fly which my parter gave me as a birthday gift. I mean damn why i didn't hear oft hem earlier... he loves me more now, really
actually thx to your comment my relationship w my girlfriend still exists . i bought for myslef and even for her those natural drops and i have to say great results
Where did you get it?
When my 1st wife cheated I moved out 10 minutes after I found out & moved on quickly. When my 2nd wife cheated I stayed because we had kids & multiple properties so it was cheaper to keep her. 17 years later & living a sexless marriage I learned the other man is the one that dumped my wife & I am nothing but her 2nd choice. Without trust she has been nothing but a burden & in 12 months the youngest finishes college & my wife is getting divorce papers.
Sorry 😢
Damn, that's the hardest thing I've read in a while ;/ Sorry for u bro.
Sorry to hear that but cheating is a deal breaker you cheat I'm gone period.
Good grief. If your youngest is already like 22 yrs old, why wait?
Sorry to hear that buddy. Why did you choose to stay in this marriage anyway? You know it's not about the kids nor about the properties. It is time for you to recognise and love yourself. Be happy and live with someone who actually wants you, loves you, misses you when you are gone and always respects you. You are worth it!
WOW, Thank you Both for this interview….Incredibly Profound❤️ She is Brilliant, I’ve been falling her for awhile, I want her in my Life and I pray others do too, Grateful for all I’ve, and will continue to Learn from Esther-is a “GIFT” her Wisdom and knowledge is POWERFUL and Heartfelt the way she conveys and articulates I certainly comprehend and find compassion and more Love from with in doing do so , I’m not ashamed to say I’ve seen many therapist, She is by far Absolutely Number “1” a “BEAUTIFUL GIFT” to all of Us…..Grateful for this interview Lewis… I hope this reaches many as we Learn through Life it’s a Gift, to Become your Best self, never done growing. Esther you’re Incredible a Beautiful Blessing♥️Thank you 🌷
You're welcome,thank you for tuning in 🧡
wow, excellent!
I had these friends. I thought they were the best friends I'd ever had. But when I had a life-changing surgery, they were not there. They'd just keep hurting me, and now I'm afraid to let people in.
expression a friend in need is a friend indeed or no one wants you when you are down and out, thats when you find out who your true friends are
I know exactly how you feel, I'm going through the same
When I found out my ex wife cheated, I came home packed a bag and filed for divorce the next day. Once trust is gone, forget it. Move on
Did you have kids? Was it emotional or physical?
@@banderson5676 Both of those questions are irrelevant and the answers to them are meaningless. Cheaters should always be promptly dumped regardless of circumstances. Some of you all tolerate cheating and let cheaters thrive because you refuse to accept they prefer someone else but you prefer to keep them around. That’s is sad!
@standground7956 I agree if you are dating or even married with no kids. In my case, we have 3 kids, married for 16 years and it was strictly an out of state emotional affair my wife had. It'd be just as sad to throw that away if things can be reconciled. Divorce is ugly for kids, that's why I have to at least give a shot to save the marriage.
@@banderson5676 I wish you luck. I do. You’re a better man than I am. I had two kids. 12/10. It wasn’t until they were about 25 that they told me they were glad we got divorced. They found out from my ex about the affair. They both have great relationships w me, but their mom not so much. Once that trust is gone, you maybe put 99.9% out of your thoughts, but for me that .01% was always there. Before the affair I took her word on everything. After, it was always with a kernel of doubt. Best of luck to you. I truly hope it works out for you
@@banderson5676 ps: it happened in my 16th year of marriage also
When the wayward partner (WP) cheats, he or she has decided to IGNORE the significant other at that moment, regardless if the WP pays the bills or does any act of service prior. To annihilate a person, it suffices to IGNORE him or her. Indifference kills. It is like telling the other person: ‘you are dead to me’, because you have killed him or her in your heart. That's what makes cheating emotionally traumatic for the significant other.
After the Betrayal of being cheated on I will stay single and never trust that person again!
It hurt so bad is because sometimes you have given your self even when you didn't feel like it.
You will never fully trust them again, You will not thrive in your relationship, but rather survive, Once that bind is broken, It shall not be mended, Should you throw the relationship away, who knows, I guess if you can live without them, If you love them unconditionally though, You are in for a very long ride.
That’s not true at all. I fully trust my partner again. They did so much work on themself in therapy and have been rock solid for 15 years now. The important part is that they actually want to change and do.
@@joshuaamoroso4809 Keep telling yourself that, The first time something seems amiss, remember your statement, Maybe you can be the One in a Million, However, I can tell you with all certainty, If it is true for you, It's Not the Norm. Wish you the best.
@@joshuaamoroso4809i hate to be that person but you don’t know that they never cheated again, however, you do know that they’ve cheated before and are always capable of doing it again. it seems like your relationship runs on wishful thinking.
You should not trust them walk away, save yourself time and pain xx
Everyone talking about leaving and no second chances; things are very difficult if you have children together.
Very true comment. I think a lot of the people posting here don't have kids, and have no idea of the difference that that makes.
Do you want to teach your kids that they should stay with cheaters, lyers, abusers, dishonest people? Don't they deserve to see that good faithful people exist?
@@pist251 your kids don’t have to know. Also, if they do know and they see that a orient can change for the better, that may mean more to them than anything. You must not have kids. Things change when you create life with someone
@@pist251 I cheated on my wife a couple years ago. We have two kids. We’re still together and actually are better than before the affair. People can change and we still have our family
@@officialkoolwag5996 yh that will also teach them that they can destroy lives and still get away with anything but hey I ve repented and regretted it lol I would want my kids to be responsible adults that don't lack empathy to the point of betraying their supposedly loved one
She's awesome
🙌
woow she is the best
I will be watching this again 👍
Thanks!
Guilt is proof that your conscience is still in tact. 💕 #OwnIt
now that is a very true statement in all cases a sense of guilt means that you are conscientious indeed
indeed , even those who cheat
Remorse and guilt are emotions that arise after the events of infidelity and betrayal. Closing the gate after the horse has bolted?
She's really good
🙌
11:54 contempt! With one look, you can literally reduce somebody to Nothing. This brought me to tears! So Powerful & True. Unfortunately I experience this often with my Husband. He doesn’t like to talk to me, or open up and tell me his feelings. I get Stonewalled “silent treatment” & that Contempt “the look”. Every time!! I don’t know what to do anymore.
Maybe you should try being vulnerable and tell him that's how it makes you feel.. You could say "I feel it hurts my feelings when you look at me with contempt. " And see if he is quick to defensiveness.
Perhaps write it out in a short letter and have someone else give it to him and talk to him about it?
Someone who really has your husband's ear.
Wishing you two well. :)
He’s not opening up because he doesn’t think you have the solution to his problems. Ultimately it takes money to fix most issues.
Me too!!!!!
I think you can more vulnerable while using "I" language.... Like "I feel unloved when you don't talk to me" "I feel unwanted when you avoid me and that makes ME feel moving away from you...
13:50 what was that video when she says she was in a relationship that when she did one thing bad it was so overblown. Can you give the name of that one, please.
I really love listening to her 😍 💓
Glad you enjoyed it!
She is very good with relationships helping people with marriage.
Agreed!
@@GreatnessClips I am going through this time 14 years partener and having 3 children , he had a child with other lady who cheated me , i felt sorry for my children i cant forgiveness for him to stay
@@GreatnessClips i cheated on my girlfriend i told her the truth she is 45 and i am 35 i kissed my ex girlfriend i live with her how win back her trust she told me she in love with me but hard trusting ,me how win back her trust ???.
The key is saying sorry that u hurt someone. it’s about the perpetrator not the victim. Acknowledge that u hurt someone. If u are ashamed its more about the perpetrator. If u feel guilty it’s about the victim. It should be about the victim
Your out-of-the-box thinking and unique perspective turned an otherwise mediocre presentation into a fantastic one *johnsonspy* . You did a good job of catching the mistakes and keeping us from wasting time and by taking the wrong path. Your attention to detail really sets you apart from the crowd. Great work! Jack, Your great work has resulted in tangible, beneficial results to me. You’re a force to be reckoned
Yes but it’s not easy. Time is needed to heal
with temptation just around the corner it may be difficult to remain faithful
If people truly had a consciousness of abundance, I don't think they'd put up with cheating. Yes you can forgive a person, but a relationship is a mutually benefitial agreement. If it's not working for you in any way....no matter how big or small the thing.......you are allowed to break it up. There are other fishes in the sea.
If you want a loyal, committed relationship it's only natural you want to do it with someone who PROVES to you their character on a regular basis. People who can't control their sex drive are usually people with weak moral or philosophical convictions anyway - the stuff that is important for loyalty.
What do you think about emotional affairs, rather than a sexual or physical affair. Any reconcile?
@@banderson5676 *It’s the same, If I’m unable to meet your needs after you’ve attempted many times to address it with me then you should promptly dump or divorce me. It shouldn’t matter if we’ve been together for 20+ weeks or 20+ years. If you have to seek emotional or physical intimacy elsewhere, don’t sneak, just end the relationship that you no longer want to be a part of and then go shopping for your needs as a single person. Why is that a hard challenge for some people to initiate? it should be fairly easy but people love making excuses. *Every relationship I no longer wanted to be a part of it always ended with a sit down face to face conversation. 100% of the time the women asked me did I meet someone else?* Nope never, because I’ll never cheat. I’d rather be single than be in a relationship I no longer wanted to be a part, I don’t need to meet someone else to discover that. Women I dated always knew my whereabouts, my location is always shared, I allowed them to answer my phone when it ranged or read my texts out if they were closer to my phone if they wanted and they all knew my phone password. *Men or women with no self control are always going to be a liability.*
1:32 is incredibly insightful
Glad you enjoyed it!
Often the difference between whether a person is identified as a hacktivist (or Batman vigilante as described here) or a terrorist is whether the person describing the hacker agrees with their ideology or not. One of the reasons why doing real harm with hacking is not a good idea. *Brian hacks online* all the way. No worries about breaking the law, and you're actually building value for someone by ensuring they know of all their system's vulnerabilities. A great place to start practicing is on your own devices and networks.
Lewis, Esther published an amazing video on death and life couple of days ago. Please speak to her about this subject in your next interview🙏❤️selfhelpchampion
Yep... to all this.
I think when this happens multiple times during ones life, whether it's a past marriage or a once close friend, and you meet someone you think is someone you can trust with your heart and most things in your world, you make clear to that person you finally feel you can trust again, and they too break the trust...where can you go with this?
Got go home
go to a hardware store and buy a shovel...
@@jcresmond1653 😂😂😂😂😂😂
you can realise and accept that people will do what they want and that if your not bringing more to their table than anyone else they will walk. so you can be the best version of you and put in the work on yiuraelf and a relationship or ya can walk away from it all and do ya own thing. doing the same thing iver and over will yeild the same reaults.
@@punisher007ishso true
Yes you can.
How do I trust after being lied to several times and used?
The only reason he’s remorseful is because he’s been caught- I ain’t gonna to sit around and hear his BS and see his crocodile tears . Girl bye🤷♀️
So he is a girl?
When the cheater is a narcissist who doesn’t have any conscience, there’s nothing that can save the relationship. By Amelia
My X
My ex also
Yup, here too
@@carolwilkinsonthetruth7817 Just SO horrible, isn’t it?….It’s SO hard to figure out “their” thinking, because it is SO far from “normal/logical”…..100% SELFISH!! I am finally FREE to live MY life….on MY TERMS!!! 🙌🏻👊🏻😁
Arthurbalcita: You can’t have a relationship with a narcissist. Nothing about them is real or honest or trustworthy. You are simply a supply to their egos. They are users. You are there to be used. Nothing more. There is no relationship to save. It never existed for them. RUN!
Esther I dont think you have ever suffered the pain of infidelity.
Don’t make rash decisions. Very true. Lesson learned….but it cost me additional hurt.
🧡
I just can’t get over cheating. I can never drop it. Even after years, I cannot. I want my ex to spontaneously combust.
I’m the complete opposite of you. I discovered it, deliberated for about 15 minutes and disappeared without a trace. I didn’t even block her, just went no contact. Moved the next town over looking for a fresh new start. She tracked me down a little over a year, approached me at my job. She was angry crying about me walking out, we’ve known each other for 7 years. I then presented her video footage of her “encounter”. She asked why I didn’t confront her. I told her it wasn’t necessary since she didn’t inform me of her plan to cheat.
@@standground7956that's so good, I think the same, why I got to give you explanation about anything. .. should have known all loves are fake af
@@standground7956Brilliant and sensible.
@@DR-gg4zp Thanks! I think all cheaters deserve not closure. I prefer them not to have the benefit of knowing that their betrayal negatively impacts you. Her parents tried to blame me for her suicide attempt, blaming me for abandoning her abruptly for no reason. I sent the video of her getting smashed to her parents and told them that her suicide attempt and decision to hookup with this other guy was her choice, that she didn’t consult with me about the cheating or the suicide attempt. I’m the guy who simply walked away, which allowed her the opportunity to hookup with the other guy without the guilty conscience, burden of sneaking around or misleading me. Her mom replied with an angry face emoji calling me a pos and her dad replied with a laugh hysterical emoji saying “damn, that’s legendary savagery!” He said well played, she left out the her cheating part. Her dad and I are cool and play golf weekly.
How mature of you...
I've been "cheated" on once, and when she told me I burst out laughing.
She was clearly sooooo sorry that I didn't even have to ask whether she liked me more than him.
It didn't change our relationship.
Because we didn't let it mean anything.
6:16 “ my whole realty has just been shattered”. 😢
So many people saying “leave” “throw the person away”.... why? I am fully aware cheating is wrong and absolutely horrible but where is the dedication to making the relationship work? If you have cheated either emotionally or physically (not sure which on is worse) in a 2 year relationship but you have a lifetime together, can’t there be progress and true love to come out of it?
Nope
Depends on the people in the relationship
ABSOLUTELY NOT! When people show you who they are...Believe them. A Cheater remains a Cheater. #mayaangelou
Yes. It takes both parties to fully commit to the process though and it's not easy. I cheated on my girlfriend and were still together. Like esther said, sometimes cheating makes you realize what you truly have in front of you that you weren't grateful for before. It can be something that strengthens your relationship, just like with any other challenges a couple faces. Cheaters aren't bad people, and especially if they are willing to do the work.
@@sammywildflower1617 Would you feel like this if your "girlfriend" cheated on you?? Would you forgive her??
how you move away from
indifference avoidance n conflict on everything
But it’s hard to forgive someone who hurts you!!! They don’t even admit to there mistake!!! They just dismiss you!!!
Then they don’t want to be forgiven, move on
I hope you're long gone from there
So why are you with them?
that rather depends on the person , did he she particularly like and feel attracted to that one specific person or is it a personality trait , I wouldn't think the latter as a rule
Cheating disqualifies them for your time. Never need to trust anyone but yourself to leave when bounderies are crossed, family or not, leave. Still your choice though.
What a great attitude. I applaud you!
Easy. You don't. Throw the whole person away😂🤨
What to do when the person breaks the promise every time for the same reason. He doesn't want to leave his family.... But his explanation is that he is doing so to maintain his sanity.... Because I was so much involved in the daily routine of the family.
Why are you still in that relationship?
Would you have the same option to "maintain your sanity" like he does?
The ex tried to use your information to explain his cheating. I bought in. Purchased your book. Purchased your course about relationships for us as an anniversary gift to move forward. After a few weeks he told me it was too much. Really? I never heard any remorse or honesty regarding his behaviors. I was blamed for not appreciating him, enough. I have been left feeling less of a woman because even after 5 years he has never been truthful about his relationships outside of our marriage. Obviously his actions were such that he couldn’t be honest. He told lies, and continued to see someone else. After 5 years I am just beginning to feel like myself. The question why does not go away, especially when you really loved your spouse.
He sounds like a leo
Why is simple. Human psychology. There's nothing mysterious about human behaviour, you just need to be open to understand it. Emotionally immature people will never make good partners.......so if that's him, and you think there were no red flags...now you know you are not apprehending human psychology FULLY. If you can't accept there are other people NOT like him...then of course you are not going to understand why. See the differences. Ask yourself why would you not cheat, whereas he did? It's all very simple.
So sorry. Hugs
In case the Why still hasn't gone away, Esther Perel has some great interviews about polyamory.
She discusses a lot of the psychology that leads to cheating - both what a cheater is missing from their partner, but also how it's about human nature needing certain things that are really hard to get from stable relationships.
I'd definitely recommend one she did solo, one with Dan Savage at Google, and one with a poly couple.
@@MrNicoJac cheaters cheat because they are entitled assholes. It has nothing to do with needs not being met. You're welcome.
4 relationship killers
Contempt -
Defensiveness
Stonewalling
Criticism
CHEATING
Stonewalling is necessary when your partner cannot resolve conflict without anger.
@@CrystalDatingCoach Clearly didn't listen to the end. It's the contempt that can be shown/perceived thru cheating. That was the whole point of the middle part of the discussion around do you feel bad that you hurt your partner because you cheated. If you don't, it's over, nothing to salvage.
@@wlmorgan I did CLEARLY understand. The point is who CARES if they feel bad AFTER! When your in love you don't CHEAT!
Hi everyone. Can anybody here tell me what the name of the next eposide is ? I have been searching for it
You may check out the full episode here th-cam.com/video/_n75rgpXzuo/w-d-xo.htmlsi=m8jYS157GZjoNQpl
To me, a marriage is where you trust each other with your very lives. If that trust is broken and my spouse would want to somehow reconcile he/she would have to be comfortable with my indifference to their feelings and emotions from that point on. No one gets a second chance when my life is at stake.
Are half the comments missing the points...
It irritates me that everyone talks about trust. It's not about trust - it's about how to re-pledge holy loyalty to someone who has shown you contempt. How to see your way around all that.
My husband cheated on me and i was devastated. He was my everything and he tried to make it up to me and the kids. But slowly everything he did disgusted me, i realised that i was never important to him, he never loved me. I loved him and could have never hurt him. Id say its not worth it to stick around.
1. infidelity does not mean that you do not love your main partner any more or any less although that may be the case
2. people's expectation of absolute fidelity is far too high an expectation in the long term although striving towards that is not a bad thing
3. there is no guarantee
4. with temptation just around the corner it may be difficult to remain faithful
5. without empathy it is not likely for your partner to be open and honest , especially if you have a zero tolerance attitude
that's why a lot of marriages and relationships fail especially because most of them are built upon the idea of monogamy ,
" It hurts so much when someone cheats on you within a relationship and they act like nothing is going on and it's all in your imagination. I think staying single is less stress!! I don't think I will ever trust anyone ever again." sounds like a bit of a drama queen , depending on the person it may well be very very unlikely but not impossible
for a lot of men , sex is just sex , a enjoyable way to pass your time , I personally cannot relate to that even though I am a man but I know everyone is different , some men they like and feel attracted to another woman she pretty and they just want to """"" her, not nothing but certainly not the end of the world, people men and women don't do it to hurt the other person , that's why they lie well, one of the reasons , the question is: is it a moment with one particular person they like and felt attracted to or a personality trait ?
women tend to think emotionally men tend NOT to , for men sex and love are two very diffrent things
Would you forgive someone who physically cheated and stopped on their own but continued to chat with the person until the chatting expose everything and they now delete the contact
It is a long process, we were together for close to 30yrs and he had an affair and blamed it on me , are we together now yes and it’s a lot of hard work still
Is this the ONLY affair he’s had??? If he is blaming this on you he’s:
Showing signs of narcissism (think Donald Trump)
The above statement alone gives me reason to believe this may not be the only one.
If your marriage is going well congratulations! Getting married is easy, getting divorced is hard, staying married is extremely hard.
Now that you know after 30 years that he’s taken this option prepare yourself for YOUR options just in case it happens again.
I'm happy for you that you've managed to keep your marriage together. A lot of people would have taken the easy way out and walked away rather than do the hard work. Good for you both.
@@adamhall7720 Are you kidding? Leaving my serial cheating husband was harder than staying with him. You're welcome.
His words are always ‘ it doesn’t mean anything, it just the way he is’ that he will never do anything to hurt me’ like telling someone else you love her and miss her and all those things you tell me , same way you tell me, isn’t hurting me. My heart is just broken and don’t even know where to go from here…cheating during your wife’s pregnancy, not once but twice.
I hate that you're going through this but sis, you MUST love yourself (and your little one) more than this. If it didn't mean anything he wouldn't have done it. He is clearly telling her that the affair means something to him. He has no love nor respect for you nor his kid. Some men would literally die for their family. Yours would rather sacrifice your heart and hurt you and possibly see his kid grow up and a broken home, than not have sex with someone else. He doesn't love you, he doesn't love his kid, and he doesn't love the other woman; he only loves himself. 💔
Wishing you the best, sis. 🤎
@@TomikaKelly.
.
Ll,,llppllo
I'm single 20 years now, think thats me for the rest of my life at this stage.
I wish she'll address where one partner repeatedly cheats on the other and wants to be forgiven each time.
She would probably say to leave that relationship.
You leave...
Yes, I would like to hear that too. No one addresses the unfaithful who continues to cheat and promises it will never happen again..,until the next time.
I got betrayed after 23 years of marriage, we built life together from the scratch raised two beautiful boys and she gave up on me, I'm 45 and it fills like life is over, I feel so empty and broken, just don't know what to do anymore
Move on and look forward to living life with optimism. You always encourage them to leave as you should never want to remain with a cheater.
So sorry to hear this!
👍
It is time to focus your attention on yourself and what you want out of life. I know it hurts but your life is not over. This could be the best thing to happen to you. Don't give up on yourself.
Try finding out that your wife had you removed by the police for no reason. That she's sleeping with her son-in-law while her daughter and he moved in my house. Tell me? How much could you trust her after that? I never would again. The pain ripped my heart out. But wait! There's more. 😢
Be thankful that your son in law showed you who she really is and what she’s capable of. Why are you disappointed at the opportunity to divorce a cheating?
Selfish assholes! Those are the people that cheat. All they can ever think about is themselves. There is nothing anyone can say that will make me believe otherwise. If there is something wrong, talk to your partner. But that is maybe harder than finding something new and exciting. Cheaters do not ever deserve happiness after the damage they have done.
They haven’t earned your trust. It’s not a question if you regaining trust, it’s up to them to earn your trust. They haven’t earned it. Full stop.
Thanks your amazing video, really help me and answer me lots question, I am the one is cheater, I am work on my husband now, I have been through in sexless marriage 9 years , after my mummy pass away I start feeling cold and lonely, we locked communicate, I start doubt he still love me or not, I keep ask him and keep get his attention, but there was nothing change, I were looking for friend talk try to bring myself back normal but that day I made a mistake, after that I realize I made mistake then I cut off everything but he still caught me, how many times I asked myself do you want stay or leave, I decide stay and work on him I still love this family and him, I let guiltily kill myself every minute because I can feeling hiring, I don't know when this will be end but I still wait for he come back, every night I had dream he come back and make me cry.....
You got what you deserve, move on . Infidelity is inexcusable
I am going through now my partener 14 year , we have 3 kids he cheated on me and he had child middle of cheating for my children i felt sorry for the it hard to forgive him and to stay with him , he ask me forgiveness but it bet me inside
You should be divorced. Just as easily as he came back with a side baby, he could brought HIV/AIDS back to you and wouldn't have given a 2md thought about how it would impact you nor the kids. Sis, your husband HATES you and HATES his family. THAT is why he was determined to destroy it.
What after we know the answer? What is he says that he did not think of me while he was doing this and that he did this for no reason but to do harmless flirtation and feel like he can get away with this. He is sorry now but how do people move on knowing this? In the begining Esther said to know the answers then what after the answers
If you already know the answer then you should be filing for divorce.
Coming from a relationship with infidelity- 3 years later. The scar is still there.
I was able to put my husband to nothing. Absolutely nothing. He was nothing to me. This resulted into a suicide attempt that ended up turning my hatred into love. the reverb of the infidelity still awakens in our intimacy.
Not to mention I humiliated him for his actions. I made sure everyone knew what a fraud he was. This by far was the hardest thing I have ever done- coming back from these emotions to a loving space.
@@laurayarbrough8165how did you let go and go back to him? How did you build trust? How do you deal with the bad memories?
Yall do NOT belong together. This is a train wreck waiting to happen.
I’m so sorry.
Omg l do relate it is such a personal experience and it depends on each one’s mental state . It’s not a one size fits all reaction. Every one copes uniquely. It is one day at a time process .
Hello
I rather spend my life creating new memories with new people instead of being anxious. But first, i would have let him meet my new lover 😎
No trust with that person is gone
I've been told infidelity is to be expected from men who are well-off and if you want to have that lavish lifestyle, you have to put up with it.
Not all men are the same but i can see the perspective u have on this, almost all do the same almost but its a sea men that dont care about it , but when u ask them if your wife or girlfriend fucka around do u accept that and all answers i got from them is"i would never accept that and its over right away " its a sad world but dont give up there are good ones outhere .
Have a great weekend Fulana 👍
Did ya laugh?😂🤭
yea a man with money has multiple options and there is no insentive for him to settle with one woman. if a woman starts being a pain in the ass he can dump her and have 20 more all eager to show that they wont be. this is life women will have with that kind of man. they will never be number one they will just be a replaceable option for him. if women liwered their standards and got with an average guy she would be number one for him and he wouldnt have the options to go elsewhere so he would be more committed to her. but women dont go for this kind if man they would rather share the man 10 other women are with and cry about it.
Lol, no, this isn't always the case. Many men who are wll off want loyal relationships. Many men who are broke want, and think they're entitled to, a variety of women.
@@punisher007ish Tell me you have NO experience with men with money without telling me? 😂
3:35 "you are choosing to be with me again"
I did alot of wrong early in my marriage. I never got caught or confronted. At some point I grew up. I have no desire to cheat. Cheating was never all fun. It was exhausting mentally emotionally and physically. The guilt got so bad I ended up in therapy. I seen other people get caught and how bad it hurt their partners. I'd never ever want to hurt my wife like that.
You're hurting your partner by staying and living a lie more than the truth. You're worried about YOU getting caught and the pain YOU will have to deal with knowing THEY KNOW you hurt them. Not being truthful is cowardice. If you mess up, own it and have enough respect for your partner for them to know the real you so they can make the best decision for them. I believe in forgiveness, understanding and a willingness to make anything work but only with the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth. Otherwise the entire relationship is a lie.
She deserves so much better than you. I hope she realises whatba disgusting human you once were and leave you and find a good man that actually deserves her
What do you mean? You have hurt her. Your marriage is a lie. Oneday she will know. The truth finds its way even after years
I just miss how she used to look at me now she looks at me like I’m just a POs or looks down on me we was besties but she been unfaithful multiple times n still I stay cuz I’ve always loved her but I’m close to putting a bullet in my head fr fr I just can’t stand the thought of losing my family. But I’m so lonely and idk if I can take much more I think one day I’m a eat a bullet for breakfast n i don’t want that at all … help me
Stay strong love. If u stay or of u leave never harm yourself if not for u then for your family..
How's things now? Never hurt yourself over other people's actions. The best thing you can do is work on being your best self. Hang in there for you family.
I am unable to trust a cheat or believe in a liar, even if they've only done it once, bc I believe if they have done it once, they will do it again. I know I would be a better human being if I believed in giving (and getting) second chances, unfortunately I'm not there yet!
Ditto
An experts opinion : A man is by nature polygamous , monogamy and fidelity are unnatural situations propagated by religious beliefs and social pressures A man is visual and logical in nature for him it’s just a physical release that’s got nothing to do with love (thats why monogamy and fidelity creates so many problems because it is unnatural ) another expert's opinion : The probability of cheating in monogamy is high. Most of the times the relationship becomes a lie and lose it's complete meaning, because of the imposed restrictions and limitations.
Procreation is such a strong biological drive that only few people can resist the temptation to cheat even most women People cheat on who they love all the time. Monogamy is just not a natural thing. Even if you are faithful you still have to fight the urge to cheat. We’d do better as a culture if we could exercise a little more tolerance, acceptance and honest discussions around sex, desire and marriage, and try to be less rigid in our idealistic views of monogamy.
a survey has revealed that 74% of men and 68% of women would have sex with someone else if it were guaranteed that their spouse would not find out !!! Whatever you opinion is about this : this means : your friends, your family, your brother, your sister, your cousin, your sister in law or your neighbour etc. That’s not just considering it they would actually be unfaithful !!! Its not just considering it they would actually do it The same people who judge and condemn others for their infidelity and
this means that people are either faithful out of fear of potential discovery and the consequences thereof or are unfaithful listen to youtube clip :
women hate to hearing the hard truth THE TRUTH ABOUT DISHONESTY IN A RELATIONSHIP :
A relationship expert says this : Dishonesty is often a sign of a deeper problem in the relationship. “If someone can’t be honest, it’s because they’re frightened of telling the truth,” says Norris. “It’s very easy to lay the blame at the feet of the one who’s being dishonest, but YOU SHOULD LOOK AT WHY THIS PERSON CAN'T BE HONEST WITH YOU !!!
@@youtubefans510 People would be helped so much if they didn't live by the same stupid social norms and rules from generation to generation without thoroughly questioning who actually set them up and why they should be right.
So the same dramas just keep repeating themselves.
And for what? That doesn't get anyone any further.
@@bittehiereinfugen7723 people are not born monogamous morality is a human invention which may have been introduced with good intentions but it is not genetic and it is like a code of conduct but also places a judgement on people and people judge others as being right or wrong on that basis and as trustworthy or untrustworthy because of that and it is that which is wrong , polyamarous people accept human nature and value honesty more than infidelity , I agree with polyamory in theory not the practice of it , we are as human being capable to like , lust, fancy , be fond of and even love more than just the one and I am not placing judgement on that either way , for that am sure some people may call me immoral but what are morals anyway there is no cosmic law for it
I’m sorry is not words. It’s behavior.
Well...For anyone with a BPD ex, the problems she describes here, are like playing the game on easy mode...
You know my ex Jennifer
I lost a son and was able to come to acceptance after eight years. My wife cheated and I never looked at her the same. Don't waste time lying to yourself it's not possible.