One of the scariest moments of my life: using a tooth brush to purge bc my gag reflex was so shot after purging so often...but I accidentally swallowed my tooth brush and had to literally reach down my throat to grab it while my eyes were watering, while I was gasping for air, and all I could think was: “I’m not dying like this, they don’t even know I’m going through this and this is not how they will find out”
Holy shit, were you on RGP/Misu? Seriously I remember the same thing happening to one of the forum members there, and how distressed and terrified they were when the toothbrush they were using to purge had slipped down their throat and started choking them. I remember them also saying they had to stick their fingers down their throat to try and grab the end and pull the toothbrush back out of their throat before they passed out. I'd forgotten about this, until you just reminded me. Hope you're doing better now.
@@claireeyles7560 such a scary and intense thought. Genuinely wish the best for everyone going through an ED. It’s rough and physically as well as mentally draining. It’s so hard to function
when you referenced your self harm scar that said "fat" but now looks more like "eat" I didn't know whether to laugh or cry because I have the same thing on my thigh.
I have the same on my thigh... it's kind of surreal to find that other people have had such similar experiences, especially when you think you're the only one.
That isnt the way addiction works either, just for the record. “The faces of meth/heroin mugshots” that they showed us in D.A.R.E. & whatnot did not give me cause for concern because I didnt look like that. I never did. In fact, I had nearly straight A’s and/or a job most of my addiction. So I must be fine, right? Wrong. Those scare tactic campaigns do as much harm as good by creating a stereotype for what an addict looks like- and apparently what an anorexic look like.
I fully agree. Until I got to rehab I never thought I had an alcohol problem bc the only thing I associated alcoholics with were the homelessand bums on skid row. I didn't consider myself a drug addict either bc my pills were from a Dr.... perspective is EVERY.THING.
I never knew I had an ED until recently when my doctor told me my heart was giving out from starvation and threatened to send me to hospital. I thought I had to look a certain way, like those people where you can see their ribs all the way around. Looking back now, I was almost like that. But not quite, which is why I never even noticed I had a problem. Crazy. I wish they didn't use visual stereotypes to show what addicts and ED sufferers look like. It's harmful.
Agreed. The first thing so many people said to me after telling my friends that I was a heroin addict was "No way? I would have never guessed." People expect you to be nodding off 24/7, hollow cheeks, baggy eyes, grungy, and over all unhealthy looking. I was fully functioning until I tried to stop lol.
They are literally my comfort place when it comes to my ED. I don’t feel judged or competitive, everytime I leave one of their videos I want to recover.
Same here... This video helped my mental health today. I'm cutting out a toxic friend I've had for 10+ years and these little distractions are so helpful
Agreed. Dorian is about 11 years older then I am so it's like having an older sibling to look up to. Our minds think so much alike, I've never met someone who thought so much like me like Dorian does. It's so great.
"We weren't hopeless adults with servere mental health issues; we were the 2000's chic of troubled teens." This one slapped me in the face with nostalgia.
Newbie here. It just slapped me in the face when you mentioned your user name. I remember you, or at least the online you. Now so many memories are coming back, things I thought I’d forgotten years ago. It’s a sad nostalgia, but also a reminder of how far I’ve come. I’m glad to have found you again after so many years. You are beautiful, thank you for being so outspoken in a way I could never.
Not about an ED, but my current experience is that, all nostalgia is sad nostalgia, even silly tv shows. After all, nortalgia is the bittersweet fondness for something that is not anymore, that we don't have anymore.
The term "pro ana" has fucked me up for years. I thought I couldn't possibly have an eating disorder because I wanted an eating disorder. It's finally finding your videos that have allowed me to come to term with years of disordered eating.
Me too, I always beat my past self up for being a wannarexic and faking being sick because I always looked for tips in pro ana forums. But now I realise thanks to Dorian that I truly was sick and I should look at my past self with kindness and pity instead of hatred. She was sick, not attention seeking and narcissistic.
I thought I probably knew it already but wanted to know if it was a common thing. TW I'm a 10yr hands-free bulimic, it's like admitting a prison sentence..
"...wasn't that me? I'd failed for years at anorexia..." and THAT'S where i start crying. dorian, you took the words straight from my head, not even my mouth! this disease is horrific in so many ways, but it's especially insidious in how it makes you feel as if you've failed at "even that". i cannot wait to purchase this book.
@newjackcity7862 Dorian is not a woman. And even in recovery, you are still ED, you are still an addict. It's like AA... 20 years without a drop, you're still an alcoholic
Recovering bulimic here. I’d forgotten that moment of discovering purging, and seeing a whole new world of magical calories with a crashing weight open up. Fast forward 12 years and it turned into bloody noses, an embarrassingly weak voice and a heart arrhythmia
@@ApatheticAndPathetic I’m glad you asked. My teeth are remarkably in good shape because I was devious enough to research how to protect them early on in my behaviors
@@ironically7561 I didn’t brush my teeth immediately afterward, and I rinsed really well with water and baking soda, then just water; my dentist said he wouldn’t have known my illness if I wasn’t honest. That said, to anyone who’s having problems with purging please get help!!!
Even down to the "wannabe rexic". Being ashamed that I couldn't control myself but desperately wanting to. Damn. Your channel makes me feel so much better, so much less alone
@@Littlemissdirtbag ok do you want an award? Congratulations you made a pointless correction you truly are the queen of eating disorder knowledge you corrected a year old comment
"It tastes as good coming back up as it did going down" is definitely an ED thing!! I had a list of foods that stayed tasting "good" the longest before purging. Bulimia is something else.
The fact that this has no adverts, to me, validates this work as transcending the cage of YT’s algorithms to something that delivers the great hope of communicating stories that matter. I imagine that this will reach so many at the crux of crisis and make them feel less alone. Balanced, authentic and original.
Agreed. As a teacher, I need to know these things and you really don't learn things like this in school. I'm so glad Dorian has this channel and is using it for the greater good. Dorian is an amazing storyteller and I hope that the book goes well... and quickly! ❤️
@@Andrewmarkbaker Actually, these aren't monetized because they would have to be "cleaned up" to meet YTs standards. Dorian has a patreon account in some of her other videos.
I was in group therapy with a bunch of other girls and we would be asked to leave for the day if we said anything triggering. One time almost everyone missed group so it was just me and one other girl. She mentioned how she liked to trigger herself by finding really disturbing videos and images online. I got a little excited because I used to do that too. The counselor shut the session down and dismissed us both and we argued that it should be allowed to slide that time because neither of us were traumatized by the discussion. I hated group only because I was always so censored. This was in the early 2000s. Now that mentality is all over the internet and I think it makes us disconnected
Heroine chic generation girl here. My disordered eating has stayed with me like a weird private hug. Something bad happens and I get to disappear. I didn't have the forums. Just the magazines. I smoked, drank coffee and took Chesties ephedrine and whatever else would help me control the food. I didn't know other people did it too. No purging for me. It was all about control. I could control myself in a world I couldn't control.
@@Mewoomoo oh my God! I'm shocked at both comments. The unrealistic expectations. The mean and cruel things the others said and did. Snoring? How do they expect anyone to control that? I find I snore more in recovery than not. I think it's because I gain weight back in my face and neck fast but I'm not sure. And joint popping? Any time I've restricted for a good while eventually that's not even something I have control over. My jaw specifically. It would just pop every time I moved my mouth at all. I thought I was the only one who could hear that. Until one day I lifted my face up to kiss my boyfriend and he commented that my jaw popped a lot. I asked other people if they noticed that and they said that most of my movements had audible popping. Knees, fingers, back, hips. I can't imagine being called out on that all the time for triggering someone else.
I feel like therapy should be the one place you should be allowed to discuss triggering topics. im of the opinion that at some point, you have to face your triggers. the world is full of triggers and you can't avoid them forever, avoiding pain is exactly what got us into therapy in the first place. you should never force someone to confront their triggers, but you should also not force someone to censor themselves in therapy. therapy should be about dealing with triggers, not avoiding them completely. my triggers for various illnesses are so mundane and commonplace the only way I could avoid them is to lock myself in an empty room with nothing around me. that's no way to live - believe me, ive tried. its what turned me into an agoraphobic, being so scared of getting triggered i refused to go outside and interact with the world. Ive only just started to venture out in to the world because my therapist helps me confront my triggers, understand them and cope with them. you can't live in a hugbox forever and it was so negligent of your therapists to force you to leave the room if you wanted to discuss something a little unpalatable. mental illnesses are unpalatable. im so sorry you were forced to censor yourself like that, I cant imagine the damage it did to your recovery.
@@Mewoomoo I hate that you went somewhere in the hopes you could finally be open and you were shut down like that, im so angry for you. this disorder is deadly enough without having professionals force you to hide aspects of it. I really hope you're doing better these days, and if not, I hope you find someone who will not make you censor yourself again. and yeah exactly. if someone triggers me, that's my responsibility to deal with, not theirs. its not anyones fault I got triggered, my mental illness is my responsibility. not my fault, but definitely my responsibility. I tend not to get angry or lash out when I'm triggered anyway, I shut down mentally and go a bit robotic, im also semi mute and I go mute when triggered.
Prepare yourself, if you publish this you'll be the next Marya. You're that good. You've got the keen eye and the relatable voice. You're incredible at portraying this community, for giving it reason and understanding and validity and helping all of us feel less gross.
If I recall correctly, Dorian didn’t like Marya’s book and felt that it actually triggered disordered behavior, I can’t remember when they said it or which video but I distinctly remember it. As a person who has not experienced an ED, I had never heard of the book Wasted before Dorian mentioned how they actually didn’t like it, and now I’m reading the book to see how I feel about it.
"Ive overtaken her... now that you're not coming back, every rainbow I see is black." I just cried when you said that. There's something so bittersweet about that line. You're an incredible writer
im currently in the early stages of anorexia recovery. it hasnt been easy whatsoever, and the option of slipping back into old habits is super tempting. however, your content has helped me SIGNIFICANTLY. it feels oddly comforting to see someone so much older than me talk about things ive personally experienced as well. these videos really make me feel seen :).
Cheers! Proud of you for being in recovery 🗣🕺🏼🕺🏼🕺🏼 I find these videos comforting as well. And good on u for trying to avoid slipping back into those unhealthy habits. Wishing u well
Wishing you all the best!!! Recovery is so worth it - there is so much more to life. Said by someone who used to be 100% consumed by an ED and wish someone had told them when they were younger!
The way you talk about Gretchen made me cry, you can really feel how much she meant to people. You have such a gift for writing really empathetically, thanks so much for this project!
thank u for not sharing the tip, im attempting recovery but i was so disappointed when u didnt reveal it lmao. i love how u go so in-depth about ur struggles with mental illness yet still know which details to hold back, ur videos on the subject always make me feel seen without being triggering. ive been really loving these nostalgia project videos, i love the way u write and i am so excited to buy the book!
dorian, i’m not sure you’ll ever see this, but i’ve been having a pretty rough relapse on my eating disorder and i feel like my relationship is going to end because of it. despite going as far as joining forums (which, like you, i used to be completely against) and browsing through them to see if anyone’s talked about this in their relationships, i think the newer ones don’t really expose that, everyone else seems to be perfectly fine dating whilst eating disordered and i’ve been feeling like a freak and the feeling of loneliness has still been so persistent. no one’s described it as well as you did. thank you so much for this video.
I had a relapse of depression last year, about two months into my relationship (my first relationship ever), I tried to hide it for a couple of months later but eventually it got worse and I ghosted my bf for 3 months. I felt awful, ashamed that I couldn't admit my issues and that I was such an awful girlfriend for leaving him without a word. After that I got a little better and we met again but eventually broke up because of that. I still can't forgive myself for that. If I could turn back time I would tell him and leave the decision up to him, whether he wants to stick with me through this or break up. I thought I'd just silently get better and wouldn't have to tell him anything but day after day my mood got worse, I couldn't talk or laugh or enjoy our relationship because I was so absorbed into my depression. From my experience hiding such problems won't bring anything good
I have just experienced a horrible tear in my first relationship ever with my best friend of several years due to my eating disorder. I feel more alone than ever.
@@X_m19ehhh not everyone can handle or is supposed to handle the emotional problems that come with people with problems like that. It doesnt even just come down to love. If shes neglecting herself, then that means her partner is most likely than not being or feeling neglected too. Or they just dont know what to do. No one is forced to be with or stay with someone just because of their issues. That's not a gateway to force someone to be with you lol
I turn 40 this year. I joined a pro-Ana/Mia board (it was bird themed but sounds *so* much like what Dorian has described here, enough that I’ve gotten goosebumps) in 99 & was on the board til 2003. Listening to this story just feels surreal because I intimately connect with all of it & it all feels so familiar. It was such a different world back then. Edited: I posted this before I waited all the way to the end. As Dorian listed the names of the different rooms, I recognized that this was the same place. We have to have been on the same board.
Hello, Dorian. As a med school student, I want to thank you for providing me insight into EDs. I really want to be able to be empathetic towards my future patients, which is quite hard if it relates to something I have never personally experienced, but thanks to your remarkable storytelling I feel like I can at least provide some level of understanding. Thank you very much for sharing your stories. Also, your makeup is always fire and I love it
Dorian you have a great podcasting / storytelling voice(and knack for it), you should think about that medium if you ever wanna try something new in the future. love the long form stuff! cheers.
Prior to the 90's, we only had TV, advertisements, fiction and non-fiction stories about it. We had to do most of our pro-ana IRL. Yes it was about sharing tips and inches, not recovery. Treatment was almost impossible to find and usually a psych ward, with psychotic people, violent teens. I spent a summer living on regular doses of coffee, no-doz, and sudafed and the whole experience was similarly gross. I was working 4 jobs for my first year of college, so there was at least a goal in view! What they don't tell you, is that you (or others) will move the goalposts when you reach them, over and over, ready or not.
Same, I am currently working out and eating the right amount of calories for muscles and to be fit. But there are times that I get the thought of doing it all over again.. it sucks honestly.
Dorian, you inspire me to share my story: I have an almost identical experience but instead of eating disorders, our chat revolved around suicide. Methods/tips/tricks were highly discouraged but no one used trigger warnings and we talked about thoughts most people never share with another person. I met people ranging from 12 to 65, humans from around the world coming together sharing life experiences and struggles we discovered we weren't alone in. Almost 10 years later and I'm still in contact with some of the amazing souls I had the pleasure to meet all those many years ago in the darkest depths of my depression. Due to the nature of the chat, I always got a sinking feeling when someone wouldn't log on for some time. I lost 2 really good friends of mine from the chat a few years ago and they have and will forever continue to live in my memory and heart. They have permanently changed the way I view the world and will never be forgotten for as long as I live. I met my partner lf now 6 years on that chat and so did many others. That was a really special time in my life because for the first time in my life, I felt people cared and like I belonged somewhere. I'll stop rambling but thank you for sharing your story, Dorian, and I hope others can find a community of their own one day. 💕
I was just a twelve-year-old girl from Bosnia when I "stumbled" upon pro-anorexia forums. Before that, I didn't have anyone to talk to about my ED. I also didn't have access to the internet, so there is that. At first, I was shocked tbh. After some time, it felt nice to be a part of a community.
I remember logging onto a chat room called anorexicqueen or something like that, forgive my memory it's been a long time, and getting advice on how to starve myself when I was maybe 13. It was horrible and I got completely sucked in. Wish my parents cared more about what was going on in my life. No one noticed I never ate. Still not allowed to talk about it because "it makes them look bad". I'm almost 30 🤦🏻♀️
My mother said something similar when she brought up my suicide attempt a few days ago. She said, imagine if you had just fried your brain cells. I couldn't take care of you. You would be in an asylum for the rest of your life just like you always feared! Maybe next time, you won't be so stupid! Those words gutted me more than anything else cruel she's said before or since.
@@loki1456oh god, it's so sad that you had experienced this.... I personally heard something similar. It was in my teens, when the mood swings were bad af. Can't really remember what had pissed my mother, she replied "well if you don't care about money, we can spend them on psychologists, are we?" with such an annoyance that made me feel like an ungrateful daughter which only care about herself. This situation brings me thoughts that she never really cared about me, my personality, i was like some other chore in her dailylife
As a recovered bulimic, I got an overactive AF gag reflex instead of none. Any gross smells will make me gag and shots are impossible for me. Even leaning near a toilet makes me gag heavily and the scent of trash bags make me gag too. It's so annoying, I had a strong stomach before I started purging and now I can't work in animal care (as ive always dreamed) because even seeing a cat throw up makes my body vomit too.
I really like how you made something so horrible seem so exciting and glorious. It really gave an insight to the mindset of those who engage in that kind of thing.
I'm Not gonna lie, it was a bit triggering to Hear the "revelation" after the experience with the pills. Because those same fears you had were what stopped me from putting into actions my thoughts and urges a while ago. I am significantly better now, and I'm not really considering actually doing anything...but I hate that there's always a part of me, deep in the back of my mind, that goes "well you could you know". What I know is there's no such thing as "just once". The knowledge of the consequences of doing it "Just once" are and effettive deterrent for now while I build myself other strategies, possibly leaning more towards acceptance and less towards fear
Yeah...i hate throwing up so much i just cant do it,,, all the shaking and quivering,, but then a small part of wants too even tho once i do it and if i feel ok i know I'll get almost addicted...
@@loverboy6149 its better to stop while you feel ok. For me I was forced to stop as if i even did it once my heart would start to go really slowly and i couldnt hardly breathe the whole night after. Believe me it is absolute hell and you NEVER want to get to that place. For me its a blessing really as i now no longer have the option i really really dont. Every bulimic or ex bulimic knows the devil that is the choice… believe me you will always feel better not doing it. As for weight when you stop it mostly settles to a normal level. It is suprisingly easy. A lot stays in from binges it turns out!!
the ‘skinny place house’ thread mention immediately made me remember this particular site. i spent so long on there and honestly sometimes i still check in on the regular users. we all had a weird bond on there; not always toxic, just mostly, but always understanding and ready to help
Not finished watching yet, but I’m so glad you’re writing this. I just stumbled upon your channel a few days ago and thought, “I think that’s n0thing.” It was a really, really, complex time and place. I can’t wait to read the book. ~Cascade~
Before the internet as we know it now, in the 80's I was going through this. But no community, no tips, no idea that anyone else self-harmed. I studied the medical section of the encyclopedia. I was chubby so no one questioned that all my high school term papers were on anorexia. I never went to bulimia due to the same fears you had at the beginning. I wanted to be anorexic, so I don't know if I really was or not. This brings back that time in my life.
@@gorefieldluvr6921 I have it on my stomach too, but only the first line of the F was deep enough to still show up darkly after all this time. I also did ‘die’ on my thigh which is thankfully no longer legible. I’m pretty much trying to get through it, but there’s sometimes relapses
Normally, I dont buy TH-camrs books or anything, even if they intrigue me. But I'll most DEFINITELY buy your book once it comes out! I love your stories 💛💛💛💛
“wannarexic” god. that word will never not hit home for me as someone who’s been browsing proana communities since the 5th grade, desperately writing down tips on how to “become an anorexic”. still haven’t succeeded, probably for the best.
I think what sucks the hardest is that even when my scared mother brought me into a doctor for help with my ED, he told her that I wasn't underweight enough to have one. All I registered that as, was him saying that I was too fat. I starved further. It's a real punch to the gut when even *doctors* won't help you. Even as you're clearly losing weight whilst already being underweight. Having to "look the part" just makes the entire thing much worse. Yet, people will tell me that it's my fault for not receiving help.
I’ve been suggesting your channel (with TW) to so many people. You’re so responsible and wise. Honest and caring. Thank you for talking about this. You’ve helped me and many others. I’m sending you all the positivity and love in the world 🖤🖤🖤 Also, I’m loving your look today! You’re gorgeous!
Thank you Dorian! I have struggled with anorexia for 16 years of my life and these videos make me feel so comforted and understood. Please keep making more about this topic!
So much of everything that you say is so dynamic, so compassionate, so understanding, so genuine, so real, so emotional, so calm, so hopeful- and still is so “simple” I mean your prose and structure is so ... universal... so good, so good, as in loving and it’s so needed.
I've never known Gretchen but your descriptions alone make me miss her. The world would be a better place with her in it, spreading her joy and kindness. Rest in power.
TW: I remember so many times that I would purge and start choking then shoving my fingers down trying to get the lump that was stuck in my throat out. The most intense instance of this was when everyone though I had recovered and I all I could think about was how much of a disappointment I was and that if anyone had come to the door I would have been screwed. Thank you for sharing your story, I don't feel as alone. 2 years of recovery even with multiple relapses.
I didn’t directly experience pro-ana communities but I was DEEP into mental illness forums as a young teen and I relate to a lot of the kinds of things you talk about...the isolation, the sudden sense of community, the weird mix of helping and harming each other, the secrecy...it’s like nothing else. I’m younger than you but we didn’t get the internet for a long time (and even when we did it was more for my older siblings than me) so I ended up quite far behind my peers, so I feel what you mean when you talk about your 90’s childhood. Anyway, fantastic video as always, I find you so comforting to listen to - gives me that same feeling of community, but in a much healthier way!
you describe this in a way that no one can, i remember things that id forgotten just from your descriptions, including that picture of you but on tumblr
I haven't watched all this yet but I pray you mention that you can actually split your stomach lining when purging. It happens in a second. I'm so glad you're free of it, or maybe just practised with the will to stop. Love you Dorian, do as many posts as possible, more please! Love Shar on Sams phone. P.s. I hope you're reading your comments again now xxx
My Ed was between late 80s and early to mid 90s. There was no pro Ana , no net! However myself and 2 other friends in college all become anorexic together . Our one friend was the worst and was so ill, I was next and my other friend lost weight but got mad because no one was worried. It was so competitive and sick really . The one who was the sickest had to leave and then it was me. I don’t even remember much other than it’s a big blur . I recently reconnected with my college roommate who was so happy to see I was recovered and ok. She said Laura we were all so scared. You were obsessed and so unhappy and so thin. I literally have no memory of anyone being worried except one guy who liked me and was worried . I must have been in lala land . I don’t know how common that was at the time to have found other friends in person to be Ed with. Certainly a lot harder than finding millions on net. I think it normalized what I was doing as I wasn’t doing it in isolation . Later on though I was as I got more sucked in. I do remember feeling lonely and trying to hide it from people later on. I will say that I almost relapsed ( did partially ) in 2016 after going through loads of stress. Restricting and exercise helped me cope . Mj life felt so out of control and me deciding I was healthy enough to read books and blogs on it and watch videos on TH-cam helped fuel it. I can’t believe how much more dangerous it is to be influenced now that it’s a click away all day long ! I try to only watch people who are fighting the fight and doing positive things now . Some of the mindset and thoughts still there.
It's always hard because it's like living in a parallel reality. You can't get out of yours and that's why no one knows. Or they know but don't tell you for whatever reason they have. But that's what makes mental illness so so difficult.
Kinda makes me think of the ladies from the 60s and 70s .. house wife type... idk If calories were a thing back then but the house wife's were SUPER into there weight what they ate ect. I wonder what ED was back then or if there was even a label then. Makes me think of my grandmother's tips.. the living on grape fruit and cabbage.. my thoughts are wondering just thought I'd share lol. I can't wait for your book.. my heart broke listening to you talk about your Gretchen and Ash.. truly sorry
Those days were special, now it’s different having the internet on demand. Gretchen was unlike any other person such a joyful spirit who suffered terribly. RIP angel 👼🏻
I miss the old days of the internet soooo much. Everything felt subversive but also somehow innocent. The corporate sterility of today’s internet is so boring in comparison, even while there’s so much functionality.
I sincerely hope you’ll release your book on audiobook with you narrating. We are probably more opposite than any two people could be but I find you so fascinating and hang out for new videos. You’re an amazing person
it sounds so weird to me when you say you wanted to be "cool like one of the purg girls" because as someone who has bulimia I've always wanted to be anorexic lmao
Thank you Dorian. I so relate. Ive been in recovery for 11 years, but it still lives in the depths of my soul like a demon threatening me all the time. I am able to push it down..But it will never been totally gone. Your stories help so much. And yes, we all love Ash along with you ❤
I can relate a lot to the part about Ash, about letting people go because you think that you're unworthy. I have had similar incidences that when I think back I feel so full of regret and guilt it physically hurts. The what ifs. Thank you for sharing your story, it has truly touched me. Some of the things you mentioned, I've never heard anyone else say before. I feel less alone
This scared me to the core. Because, if I was born just a half-decade earlier, this would be the spiral I'd have fallen into. Much love, Dorian. You may not be out of the mess, never will be, but your presence here is a blessing. Thanks for sharing your stories.
You can still get that feeling of a dark, hidden community in real pro-ana places, mostly on discord. The issue is that most of them label themselves that when they are more like simply “not forcing recovery”. I’m in a few real proana/promia places because we don’t share tips but we truly fall into each other like a community, hands linked and hearts tied to each other. We love each other truly and deeply and when someone expresses fear of their path or a want for recovery they are happily offered the ability to stay in general chats but barred from any triggering chats, we really do love each other deeply. A kiss of safety in a very forceful world that makes you seek therapy before you are truly ready to try.
the first time i learned what "anorexia" meant it felt like the sky opened, i related to every word, every anorexic habit that was described. until, they got to the core of the definition which was "underweight". i wasn't underweight. and so i thought, i have nothing to do with it. oh, god, years later i realized i was too young to even have that word in my vocabulary. however, in 2013, at the age of 13, i made my tumblr blog. it was a miraculous world where i could put all of my, yet to be discovered depression. i discovered marilyn manson, nine inch nails, all the alternative aesthetics. and i discovered a girl, a model & blogger, i am not sure if i want to mention her name, but she was big on the early alternative tumblr aesthetic. an alt-tumblr girl. and i wanted to be just like her. turned out i wasn't the only one. i saw a short tag under one of her pictures and i clicked on it. BOOM! it was the holy grail. i've been bullied for years and years about my weight, and i continue fighting it up to today. but right then my 13 years old brain knew it found a cheat code. i didn't lose weight, in fact, i gained some, not because of my eating habits but because i was growing up and transforming into an adult human being. disgusting, right? once i turned 16, i knew i couldn't handle it anymore. years passed by and the numbers dropped. people congratulated me. they say i look great. but i am never satisfied, never planned to maintain my weight. it's a deep dark secret that i keep at the darkest place possible. sick undercover. i know every tip, i have personally tested it. nobody suspects that i have such knowledge. sometimes it makes me sad that if i ever dare to speak, they will look at me with concern and ask me "why?" "oh, sweethearts, i bet none of you would handle the truth', i'd say as distant and snarky as i've always been. and no. it wasn't because i wanted to look like somebody else.
@@MK-gm2mq maybe you do. The internet can be a small place. I'm in the process of recovering. I think it's a life long process. Hoping the same for you friend
That line about Gretchen's love being like a box of sharp teethed puppies spoke to me so much. May she Rest In Peace 💜 And you are not a cockroach person. I admire you so much. I hope you have a good weekend. Looking forward to the next! Take care 💜
I'll never forget how I had initially found you through 'goth diy' in the TH-cam search bar...a zillion hours of relatable aspie waffles and goffik adventures later, I can't imagine my IG feed nor my YT subscriptions without your face! I love you to the moon and back. You've brought a lot of joy into my life.
you ARE an unbelievable story teller. I can feel your pain and joy, your fear and anger. your heartbreak. I hope that going through these memories is more helpful than hurtful. it can be so cleansing for our souls to tell our story. I have watched so many of your videos and I love that you keep it so real. you don't sugar coat anything with sparkles and glitter. you say your highs and you say your lows. its beautiful and so are you. Also we are all just fucked up messes walking around trying to figure shit out don't feel alone. sending some serious love your way.
The wording in this video was very very beautiful and poetic. Especially the part about gretchen. I know youve talked about her before in a lot of videos but this time it hit very different, different and hard. Even i cried and i never cry at art. Very beautiful🙌
As a fellow goth, aspie, and genderqueer trans guy, I very much enjoy your videos and enjoy hearing about your life. Of course I can only know as much about you as you wish to share, but of what you have shared about yourself, I relate to a good bit of it. Especially the pieces about growing up undiagnosed, and all the feelings that come with getting diagnosed as an adult. And the Gender Waffles. I adore the gender waffles and feel that you put into words what I struggle to explain. Seeing how brutally honest you are about the realities of ED and addiction and self-farm recovery is very helpful. You are very wise and insightful. Like an older sibling, I suppose. If you have tips on cheap goth room decor, that would be fascinating and a great deal of fun, if you are interested in sharing about that. My current setup is a fuckton of 3D bat wall stickers. And dollar store glittery halloween trinkets.
hey, i don't capitalize my i's either! i like the aesthetic of them, the little dots are cute. i've had folks tell me i must be depreciating myself as well but i really just like the way they look ❤️
i'm 43. Thank you for this. When the red bracelets started I can remember being jealous. I never ever spoke of my ED, the guilt I would feel was violent and I tried to avoid even touching it with my thoughts. The echoe was so loud back then when the doors would close. Your explanation of the need for a sense of belonging in the years of pre-internet community healed a little of that whisper stuck in my soul.
I avoided ur channel for ages cause I thought it would be super triggering, but honestly I find a lot of peace in ur vids as I recover. It’s like listening to my big sister who actually understands me ❤️💕
first time i've heard anyone describe the usage of lowercase exactly the way i felt of it (if i worded that correctly) pfha kind of scared me for some reason anyway, as always- thank you for giving us another glimpse of your life story, dorian ♡
![กิโลเมตรที่ 0 เดินทางรอบโลกไม่ใช้เครื่องบิน [Around The World Ep. 1]](http://i.ytimg.com/vi/toJG9oofLFY/mqdefault.jpg)
One of the scariest moments of my life: using a tooth brush to purge bc my gag reflex was so shot after purging so often...but I accidentally swallowed my tooth brush and had to literally reach down my throat to grab it while my eyes were watering, while I was gasping for air, and all I could think was: “I’m not dying like this, they don’t even know I’m going through this and this is not how they will find out”
Fuck man im so sorry to hear this that sounds really fucking scary!!! Glad you are ok.
the world is a better place with you here 💕
Holy shit, were you on RGP/Misu? Seriously I remember the same thing happening to one of the forum members there, and how distressed and terrified they were when the toothbrush they were using to purge had slipped down their throat and started choking them. I remember them also saying they had to stick their fingers down their throat to try and grab the end and pull the toothbrush back out of their throat before they passed out. I'd forgotten about this, until you just reminded me. Hope you're doing better now.
@@claireeyles7560 such a scary and intense thought. Genuinely wish the best for everyone going through an ED.
It’s rough and physically as well as mentally draining. It’s so hard to function
Holy shit, this brought tears to my eyes. I’m glad you’re okay and hope you’re doing well 🖤
when you referenced your self harm scar that said "fat" but now looks more like "eat" I didn't know whether to laugh or cry because I have the same thing on my thigh.
Teenage me seemed to think "trash" was a better alternative for some reason lol
I have the same on my thigh... it's kind of surreal to find that other people have had such similar experiences, especially when you think you're the only one.
Heh me too
Aw you guyyyys 🥺😭❤️ sending all love
If mine did that, I would rescratch the F lol lol
Sorry for parasocial vibes, but you're like a friend I catch up with a couple times a month and we can talk about darker things that I can't with most
same! I listen to them to calm down
I'm parasocially in platonic love with Dorian and I'm not ashamed 😅
I feel you. Dorian transcends the typical TH-camr aura. They’re a genuine human being who draws lots of rad people to them.
Til you seek reciprocity, & it all falls apart.
Yesssss!!
That isnt the way addiction works either, just for the record. “The faces of meth/heroin mugshots” that they showed us in D.A.R.E. & whatnot did not give me cause for concern because I didnt look like that. I never did. In fact, I had nearly straight A’s and/or a job most of my addiction. So I must be fine, right? Wrong. Those scare tactic campaigns do as much harm as good by creating a stereotype for what an addict looks like- and apparently what an anorexic look like.
I fully agree. Until I got to rehab I never thought I had an alcohol problem bc the only thing I associated alcoholics with were the homelessand bums on skid row. I didn't consider myself a drug addict either bc my pills were from a Dr.... perspective is EVERY.THING.
Yeah but to be fair most drug addicts don't tend to do drugs just so they can look like that.
@@Gingersnaps_the_pumpkin_kitty Nobody said they did...
I never knew I had an ED until recently when my doctor told me my heart was giving out from starvation and threatened to send me to hospital.
I thought I had to look a certain way, like those people where you can see their ribs all the way around.
Looking back now, I was almost like that. But not quite, which is why I never even noticed I had a problem. Crazy. I wish they didn't use visual stereotypes to show what addicts and ED sufferers look like. It's harmful.
Agreed. The first thing so many people said to me after telling my friends that I was a heroin addict was "No way? I would have never guessed." People expect you to be nodding off 24/7, hollow cheeks, baggy eyes, grungy, and over all unhealthy looking. I was fully functioning until I tried to stop lol.
These videos are so comforting to me for some reason. Dorian feels like a wise older sibling 🤧
Wow this is exactly how I feel!!
They are literally my comfort place when it comes to my ED. I don’t feel judged or competitive, everytime I leave one of their videos I want to recover.
Same here... This video helped my mental health today. I'm cutting out a toxic friend I've had for 10+ years and these little distractions are so helpful
Agreed. Dorian is about 11 years older then I am so it's like having an older sibling to look up to. Our minds think so much alike, I've never met someone who thought so much like me like Dorian does. It's so great.
She’s amazing ❤️ I’m so happy I found her channe
"We weren't hopeless adults with servere mental health issues; we were the 2000's chic of troubled teens." This one slapped me in the face with nostalgia.
it's completely come back now. I'm an anorexic woman and it's the exact same now
Newbie here. It just slapped me in the face when you mentioned your user name. I remember you, or at least the online you. Now so many memories are coming back, things I thought I’d forgotten years ago. It’s a sad nostalgia, but also a reminder of how far I’ve come. I’m glad to have found you again after so many years. You are beautiful, thank you for being so outspoken in a way I could never.
Hey if you don't mind me asking, was the forum she's referring to blue dragonfly?
@@charlessmoczynska7270I think BD was shut down
it was “Thin Pages”.
Blue dragonfly, thin pages and live journal (being the one that’s still around)
Not about an ED, but my current experience is that, all nostalgia is sad nostalgia, even silly tv shows. After all, nortalgia is the bittersweet fondness for something that is not anymore, that we don't have anymore.
The term "pro ana" has fucked me up for years. I thought I couldn't possibly have an eating disorder because I wanted an eating disorder. It's finally finding your videos that have allowed me to come to term with years of disordered eating.
Me too, I always beat my past self up for being a wannarexic and faking being sick because I always looked for tips in pro ana forums. But now I realise thanks to Dorian that I truly was sick and I should look at my past self with kindness and pity instead of hatred. She was sick, not attention seeking and narcissistic.
Me becoming agitated af from you not telling me the purge secret: Realizing I'm not free from my ED at all, after being "healthy" for almost 8 years.
I am looking in the comments for the tip , youre not alone
@@hunlee6801 Same.
Yessss! same.
I almost started crying because I wanted to hear what was that secret-
I thought I probably knew it already but wanted to know if it was a common thing. TW I'm a 10yr hands-free bulimic, it's like admitting a prison sentence..
"...wasn't that me? I'd failed for years at anorexia..." and THAT'S where i start crying. dorian, you took the words straight from my head, not even my mouth! this disease is horrific in so many ways, but it's especially insidious in how it makes you feel as if you've failed at "even that". i cannot wait to purchase this book.
@newjackcity7862 Dorian is not a woman. And even in recovery, you are still ED, you are still an addict. It's like AA... 20 years without a drop, you're still an alcoholic
Please release the book as an audiobook as well.
Yeah I dunno how to read
Yes please dorian is a god at reading their own biography
omg yes. I’ve always thought Dorian should narrate audiobooks, he’s got such a great voice
I'd buy that so fcking fast
@@staunja5435 I’m blind… is that an acceptable reason to ask for an audiobook?
What a stupid comment.
Recovering bulimic here. I’d forgotten that moment of discovering purging, and seeing a whole new world of magical calories with a crashing weight open up. Fast forward 12 years and it turned into bloody noses, an embarrassingly weak voice and a heart arrhythmia
How are your teeth???
@@ApatheticAndPathetic I’m glad you asked. My teeth are remarkably in good shape because I was devious enough to research how to protect them early on in my behaviors
I feel you. It was a rush discovering it. Awful though… 20 years later i finally recovered.
@@schneewitschen101 can I know what measures you took to protect your teeth? I didn’t really but Im lucky i got away with it
@@ironically7561 I didn’t brush my teeth immediately afterward, and I rinsed really well with water and baking soda, then just water; my dentist said he wouldn’t have known my illness if I wasn’t honest. That said, to anyone who’s having problems with purging please get help!!!
"Now that you're never coming back, every rainbow I see - it ends in black."
Chills. Wow.
🖤
It's from Dorian's song "Gretchen's song"
Crying 😢
I want to like your comment but you are on 444 and i have ocd lol
beautiful poetic sentence
"When you stop paying in sex, you go into debt." I've been looking for the words to describe that feeling for so long.
Even down to the "wannabe rexic". Being ashamed that I couldn't control myself but desperately wanting to. Damn. Your channel makes me feel so much better, so much less alone
@@Littlemissdirtbag ok do you want an award? Congratulations you made a pointless correction you truly are the queen of eating disorder knowledge you corrected a year old comment
@@Littlemissdirtbag and its actually wannarexic. One word.
Yes yes exactly same here
"It tastes as good coming back up as it did going down" is definitely an ED thing!! I had a list of foods that stayed tasting "good" the longest before purging.
Bulimia is something else.
Oh yes. Planned binges were something else. Much more fun than the accidental ones.
Ice cream amirite
@@daveandthesmithmoons5934 my go to used to be icecream with cold cocoa. So good, and easy after 🙈
@@daveandthesmithmoons5934 yes you are
@@lealauridsen3548 that's a tip. I wish you didnt share this :/
The fact that this has no adverts, to me, validates this work as transcending the cage of YT’s algorithms to something that delivers the great hope of communicating stories that matter. I imagine that this will reach so many at the crux of crisis and make them feel less alone. Balanced, authentic and original.
Agreed. As a teacher, I need to know these things and you really don't learn things like this in school. I'm so glad Dorian has this channel and is using it for the greater good. Dorian is an amazing storyteller and I hope that the book goes well... and quickly! ❤️
@@SlpBeauty333 totally agree. I was a special needs specialist teacher and play therapist and these themes are v important to share.
@@Andrewmarkbaker Actually, these aren't monetized because they would have to be "cleaned up" to meet YTs standards. Dorian has a patreon account in some of her other videos.
right. i feel like dorian casted a spell haha
@@E彡-u4y I believe they did! Excellent storytelling is a gift and Dorian's great at it. ❤️
I was in group therapy with a bunch of other girls and we would be asked to leave for the day if we said anything triggering. One time almost everyone missed group so it was just me and one other girl. She mentioned how she liked to trigger herself by finding really disturbing videos and images online. I got a little excited because I used to do that too. The counselor shut the session down and dismissed us both and we argued that it should be allowed to slide that time because neither of us were traumatized by the discussion. I hated group only because I was always so censored. This was in the early 2000s. Now that mentality is all over the internet and I think it makes us disconnected
Heroine chic generation girl here. My disordered eating has stayed with me like a weird private hug. Something bad happens and I get to disappear. I didn't have the forums. Just the magazines. I smoked, drank coffee and took Chesties ephedrine and whatever else would help me control the food. I didn't know other people did it too. No purging for me. It was all about control. I could control myself in a world I couldn't control.
@@AimeeBingham It's crazy how much people with EDs are alike. In ways we never would have thought.
@@Mewoomoo oh my God! I'm shocked at both comments. The unrealistic expectations. The mean and cruel things the others said and did. Snoring? How do they expect anyone to control that? I find I snore more in recovery than not. I think it's because I gain weight back in my face and neck fast but I'm not sure. And joint popping? Any time I've restricted for a good while eventually that's not even something I have control over. My jaw specifically. It would just pop every time I moved my mouth at all. I thought I was the only one who could hear that. Until one day I lifted my face up to kiss my boyfriend and he commented that my jaw popped a lot. I asked other people if they noticed that and they said that most of my movements had audible popping. Knees, fingers, back, hips. I can't imagine being called out on that all the time for triggering someone else.
I feel like therapy should be the one place you should be allowed to discuss triggering topics. im of the opinion that at some point, you have to face your triggers. the world is full of triggers and you can't avoid them forever, avoiding pain is exactly what got us into therapy in the first place. you should never force someone to confront their triggers, but you should also not force someone to censor themselves in therapy. therapy should be about dealing with triggers, not avoiding them completely.
my triggers for various illnesses are so mundane and commonplace the only way I could avoid them is to lock myself in an empty room with nothing around me. that's no way to live - believe me, ive tried. its what turned me into an agoraphobic, being so scared of getting triggered i refused to go outside and interact with the world. Ive only just started to venture out in to the world because my therapist helps me confront my triggers, understand them and cope with them.
you can't live in a hugbox forever and it was so negligent of your therapists to force you to leave the room if you wanted to discuss something a little unpalatable. mental illnesses are unpalatable. im so sorry you were forced to censor yourself like that, I cant imagine the damage it did to your recovery.
@@Mewoomoo I hate that you went somewhere in the hopes you could finally be open and you were shut down like that, im so angry for you. this disorder is deadly enough without having professionals force you to hide aspects of it. I really hope you're doing better these days, and if not, I hope you find someone who will not make you censor yourself again.
and yeah exactly. if someone triggers me, that's my responsibility to deal with, not theirs. its not anyones fault I got triggered, my mental illness is my responsibility. not my fault, but definitely my responsibility. I tend not to get angry or lash out when I'm triggered anyway, I shut down mentally and go a bit robotic, im also semi mute and I go mute when triggered.
Prepare yourself, if you publish this you'll be the next Marya. You're that good. You've got the keen eye and the relatable voice. You're incredible at portraying this community, for giving it reason and understanding and validity and helping all of us feel less gross.
For sure!!!
Agreed 👍
100%
If I recall correctly, Dorian didn’t like Marya’s book and felt that it actually triggered disordered behavior, I can’t remember when they said it or which video but I distinctly remember it. As a person who has not experienced an ED, I had never heard of the book Wasted before Dorian mentioned how they actually didn’t like it, and now I’m reading the book to see how I feel about it.
Who is Marya?
That “wannarexic” really hit home for me🥺
Omg same....
Right in the chest.
Same, I was always in the “wannabe” section, never sick enough, never thin enough.
it's so invalidating
Litterally was crying this morning over it this morning 😭
Why is 1 hour and 5 minutes not enough.. I could listen to you for so long. It gives me comfort somehow
"Ive overtaken her... now that you're not coming back, every rainbow I see is black." I just cried when you said that. There's something so bittersweet about that line. You're an incredible writer
im currently in the early stages of anorexia recovery. it hasnt been easy whatsoever, and the option of slipping back into old habits is super tempting. however, your content has helped me SIGNIFICANTLY. it feels oddly comforting to see someone so much older than me talk about things ive personally experienced as well. these videos really make me feel seen :).
You deserve love and help. The world has more color with you in it. ❤️
Cheers! Proud of you for being in recovery 🗣🕺🏼🕺🏼🕺🏼 I find these videos comforting as well. And good on u for trying to avoid slipping back into those unhealthy habits. Wishing u well
Wishing you all the best!!! Recovery is so worth it - there is so much more to life. Said by someone who used to be 100% consumed by an ED and wish someone had told them when they were younger!
Hugs s2
You will make it through just like dorian❤️
The way you talk about Gretchen made me cry, you can really feel how much she meant to people. You have such a gift for writing really empathetically, thanks so much for this project!
I cried too… so beautiful and empathetic
thank u for not sharing the tip, im attempting recovery but i was so disappointed when u didnt reveal it lmao. i love how u go so in-depth about ur struggles with mental illness yet still know which details to hold back, ur videos on the subject always make me feel seen without being triggering. ive been really loving these nostalgia project videos, i love the way u write and i am so excited to buy the book!
In my case I just discovered that tip a couple weeks ago OMG it has become a really horrible addiction 🤦🏼♂️🤡
@@alejandroaragoncanadillas8890 PLEASE PLEASE I probally won't even use it but I need it.
@@leylapineda8712 babe ur definitely going to use it 🤡
@@Aibhae that was a low point of mine
@@leylapineda8712 I’m sorry for what you’re going through. I wish you happiness and recovery.
dorian, i’m not sure you’ll ever see this, but i’ve been having a pretty rough relapse on my eating disorder and i feel like my relationship is going to end because of it. despite going as far as joining forums (which, like you, i used to be completely against) and browsing through them to see if anyone’s talked about this in their relationships, i think the newer ones don’t really expose that, everyone else seems to be perfectly fine dating whilst eating disordered and i’ve been feeling like a freak and the feeling of loneliness has still been so persistent. no one’s described it as well as you did. thank you so much for this video.
I had a relapse of depression last year, about two months into my relationship (my first relationship ever), I tried to hide it for a couple of months later but eventually it got worse and I ghosted my bf for 3 months. I felt awful, ashamed that I couldn't admit my issues and that I was such an awful girlfriend for leaving him without a word. After that I got a little better and we met again but eventually broke up because of that. I still can't forgive myself for that. If I could turn back time I would tell him and leave the decision up to him, whether he wants to stick with me through this or break up. I thought I'd just silently get better and wouldn't have to tell him anything but day after day my mood got worse, I couldn't talk or laugh or enjoy our relationship because I was so absorbed into my depression. From my experience hiding such problems won't bring anything good
Sending love to you ❤️
I have just experienced a horrible tear in my first relationship ever with my best friend of several years due to my eating disorder. I feel more alone than ever.
I wish you the best ❤️
I think. If he /she really loves you he/she would try to help you or even just let you be “you”, if you know what I mean. 🤍
@@X_m19ehhh not everyone can handle or is supposed to handle the emotional problems that come with people with problems like that. It doesnt even just come down to love. If shes neglecting herself, then that means her partner is most likely than not being or feeling neglected too. Or they just dont know what to do. No one is forced to be with or stay with someone just because of their issues. That's not a gateway to force someone to be with you lol
dorian is about to LAY INTO THIS and i'm so excited
I turn 40 this year.
I joined a pro-Ana/Mia board (it was bird themed but sounds *so* much like what Dorian has described here, enough that I’ve gotten goosebumps) in 99 & was on the board til 2003.
Listening to this story just feels surreal because I intimately connect with all of it & it all feels so familiar. It was such a different world back then.
Edited: I posted this before I waited all the way to the end. As Dorian listed the names of the different rooms, I recognized that this was the same place. We have to have been on the same board.
I definitely was 👍
thiin pages
Hello, Dorian. As a med school student, I want to thank you for providing me insight into EDs. I really want to be able to be empathetic towards my future patients, which is quite hard if it relates to something I have never personally experienced, but thanks to your remarkable storytelling I feel like I can at least provide some level of understanding. Thank you very much for sharing your stories. Also, your makeup is always fire and I love it
Dorian you have a great podcasting / storytelling voice(and knack for it), you should think about that medium if you ever wanna try something new in the future. love the long form stuff! cheers.
Yes!
Super hard AGREE. Dorian has a gift for honest storytelling.
Prior to the 90's, we only had TV, advertisements, fiction and non-fiction stories about it. We had to do most of our pro-ana IRL. Yes it was about sharing tips and inches, not recovery. Treatment was almost impossible to find and usually a psych ward, with psychotic people, violent teens.
I spent a summer living on regular doses of coffee, no-doz, and sudafed and the whole experience was similarly gross. I was working 4 jobs for my first year of college, so there was at least a goal in view! What they don't tell you, is that you (or others) will move the goalposts when you reach them, over and over, ready or not.
well said. I also have those sorts of queasy memories
Same, I am currently working out and eating the right amount of calories for muscles and to be fit. But there are times that I get the thought of doing it all over again.. it sucks honestly.
One of the first testimonies I read about eating disorders was in those Chicken Soup For The Soul books. I liked reading the sad stories.
This is not relevant but one of my foster kittens loves your voice
This is so pure, omg 🐱
@@loki1456 Or purr?😄
Dorian, you inspire me to share my story:
I have an almost identical experience but instead of eating disorders, our chat revolved around suicide. Methods/tips/tricks were highly discouraged but no one used trigger warnings and we talked about thoughts most people never share with another person. I met people ranging from 12 to 65, humans from around the world coming together sharing life experiences and struggles we discovered we weren't alone in. Almost 10 years later and I'm still in contact with some of the amazing souls I had the pleasure to meet all those many years ago in the darkest depths of my depression. Due to the nature of the chat, I always got a sinking feeling when someone wouldn't log on for some time. I lost 2 really good friends of mine from the chat a few years ago and they have and will forever continue to live in my memory and heart. They have permanently changed the way I view the world and will never be forgotten for as long as I live. I met my partner lf now 6 years on that chat and so did many others. That was a really special time in my life because for the first time in my life, I felt people cared and like I belonged somewhere.
I'll stop rambling but thank you for sharing your story, Dorian, and I hope others can find a community of their own one day. 💕
I was just a twelve-year-old girl from Bosnia when I "stumbled" upon pro-anorexia forums. Before that, I didn't have anyone to talk to about my ED. I also didn't have access to the internet, so there is that. At first, I was shocked tbh. After some time, it felt nice to be a part of a community.
Half-Bosnian sending you hugs from a neighboring country ❤
Sending you love from Croatia!!
Sending love from Serbia🖤
sending lots of love from a fellow bosnian 🥺❤️
Sending love from Canada !
I remember logging onto a chat room called anorexicqueen or something like that, forgive my memory it's been a long time, and getting advice on how to starve myself when I was maybe 13. It was horrible and I got completely sucked in. Wish my parents cared more about what was going on in my life. No one noticed I never ate. Still not allowed to talk about it because "it makes them look bad". I'm almost 30 🤦🏻♀️
My mother said something similar when she brought up my suicide attempt a few days ago. She said, imagine if you had just fried your brain cells. I couldn't take care of you. You would be in an asylum for the rest of your life just like you always feared! Maybe next time, you won't be so stupid! Those words gutted me more than anything else cruel she's said before or since.
@@loki1456oh god, it's so sad that you had experienced this.... I personally heard something similar. It was in my teens, when the mood swings were bad af. Can't really remember what had pissed my mother, she replied "well if you don't care about money, we can spend them on psychologists, are we?" with such an annoyance that made me feel like an ungrateful daughter which only care about herself. This situation brings me thoughts that she never really cared about me, my personality, i was like some other chore in her dailylife
As a recovered bulimic, I got an overactive AF gag reflex instead of none. Any gross smells will make me gag and shots are impossible for me. Even leaning near a toilet makes me gag heavily and the scent of trash bags make me gag too. It's so annoying, I had a strong stomach before I started purging and now I can't work in animal care (as ive always dreamed) because even seeing a cat throw up makes my body vomit too.
The scent of trashbags... this hit me.
I really like how you made something so horrible seem so exciting and glorious. It really gave an insight to the mindset of those who engage in that kind of thing.
I'm Not gonna lie, it was a bit triggering to Hear the "revelation" after the experience with the pills. Because those same fears you had were what stopped me from putting into actions my thoughts and urges a while ago. I am significantly better now, and I'm not really considering actually doing anything...but I hate that there's always a part of me, deep in the back of my mind, that goes "well you could you know".
What I know is there's no such thing as "just once". The knowledge of the consequences of doing it "Just once" are and effettive deterrent for now while I build myself other strategies, possibly leaning more towards acceptance and less towards fear
my brain went to the same place, I always avoided purging for the same reasons and it was an odd temptation that I've not felt in a while
I wish you alll the best ❤️❤️
Yeah...i hate throwing up so much i just cant do it,,, all the shaking and quivering,, but then a small part of wants too even tho once i do it and if i feel ok i know I'll get almost addicted...
@@loverboy6149 it's not worth it. it never is. you know within yourself that if you start, you won't stop. I wish you the best, much love ❤
@@loverboy6149 its better to stop while you feel ok. For me I was forced to stop as if i even did it once my heart would start to go really slowly and i couldnt hardly breathe the whole night after. Believe me it is absolute hell and you NEVER want to get to that place. For me its a blessing really as i now no longer have the option i really really dont. Every bulimic or ex bulimic knows the devil that is the choice… believe me you will always feel better not doing it. As for weight when you stop it mostly settles to a normal level. It is suprisingly easy. A lot stays in from binges it turns out!!
the ‘skinny place house’ thread mention immediately made me remember this particular site. i spent so long on there and honestly sometimes i still check in on the regular users. we all had a weird bond on there; not always toxic, just mostly, but always understanding and ready to help
Can you link me the forum. I cannot find it on google
@@politecat4236 don’t go there. You really dont want this. I think its a fake name anyway.
@@ironically7561 I already have an ED
Ueminimura absolutely not.
@@popcat2439 thank you
Not finished watching yet, but I’m so glad you’re writing this. I just stumbled upon your channel a few days ago and thought, “I think that’s n0thing.” It was a really, really, complex time and place. I can’t wait to read the book. ~Cascade~
Before the internet as we know it now, in the 80's I was going through this. But no community, no tips, no idea that anyone else self-harmed.
I studied the medical section of the encyclopedia.
I was chubby so no one questioned that all my high school term papers were on anorexia. I never went to bulimia due to the same fears you had at the beginning.
I wanted to be anorexic, so I don't know if I really was or not. This brings back that time in my life.
The thing about carving "fat" into your upper arm was too relatable. It was the thigh for me, but it too looks more like the word "eat" at this point.
For me it was stomach. I think a lot of pictures like that circle around the Web
omg I’m only 5 mins into the video so I haven’t heard this bit yet but I’ve never felt less alone - never met/heard anyone who did the same as me
Holy shit. I did the same on my wrist. It’s still there. I’m sad you guys have had to experience it too 🥺
@@gorefieldluvr6921 I have it on my stomach too, but only the first line of the F was deep enough to still show up darkly after all this time. I also did ‘die’ on my thigh which is thankfully no longer legible. I’m pretty much trying to get through it, but there’s sometimes relapses
Normally, I dont buy TH-camrs books or anything, even if they intrigue me. But I'll most DEFINITELY buy your book once it comes out! I love your stories 💛💛💛💛
“wannarexic”
god. that word will never not hit home for me as someone who’s been browsing proana communities since the 5th grade, desperately writing down tips on how to “become an anorexic”. still haven’t succeeded, probably for the best.
Thank goodness you didn’t
RIP Gretchen. she sounded like such a good friend.
I think what sucks the hardest is that even when my scared mother brought me into a doctor for help with my ED, he told her that I wasn't underweight enough to have one. All I registered that as, was him saying that I was too fat. I starved further.
It's a real punch to the gut when even *doctors* won't help you. Even as you're clearly losing weight whilst already being underweight.
Having to "look the part" just makes the entire thing much worse. Yet, people will tell me that it's my fault for not receiving help.
This chapter really made me sad, but it’s so important.
I’ve been suggesting your channel (with TW) to so many people. You’re so responsible and wise. Honest and caring. Thank you for talking about this. You’ve helped me and many others. I’m sending you all the positivity and love in the world 🖤🖤🖤
Also, I’m loving your look today! You’re gorgeous!
Thank you Dorian! I have struggled with anorexia for 16 years of my life and these videos make me feel so comforted and understood. Please keep making more about this topic!
Discovering your channel is definitely one of the best things that have happened to me in a while. Love you Dorian.
So much of everything that you say is so dynamic, so compassionate, so understanding, so genuine, so real, so emotional, so calm, so hopeful- and still is so “simple” I mean your prose and structure is so ... universal... so good, so good, as in loving and it’s so needed.
Oh I can’t even express how much I love 💕 these stories.
i’m also a former emetophobic turned bulimic. i didn’t know that was so common. your videos never fail to make me feel less alone
Off topic but this matrix/blade runner look has got me HYPED
I've never known Gretchen but your descriptions alone make me miss her. The world would be a better place with her in it, spreading her joy and kindness. Rest in power.
relapsing again, your content comforts me so much. please never stop writing.
TW:
I remember so many times that I would purge and start choking then shoving my fingers down trying to get the lump that was stuck in my throat out. The most intense instance of this was when everyone though I had recovered and I all I could think about was how much of a disappointment I was and that if anyone had come to the door I would have been screwed.
Thank you for sharing your story, I don't feel as alone. 2 years of recovery even with multiple relapses.
I didn’t directly experience pro-ana communities but I was DEEP into mental illness forums as a young teen and I relate to a lot of the kinds of things you talk about...the isolation, the sudden sense of community, the weird mix of helping and harming each other, the secrecy...it’s like nothing else. I’m younger than you but we didn’t get the internet for a long time (and even when we did it was more for my older siblings than me) so I ended up quite far behind my peers, so I feel what you mean when you talk about your 90’s childhood. Anyway, fantastic video as always, I find you so comforting to listen to - gives me that same feeling of community, but in a much healthier way!
"There was one food I couldn't avoid eating that day, and it was humble pie" well said...well said
I was part of the pro Ana community on XANGA and was schooled by older anas. I remember one woman mailing me diet pills. Wild times.
you describe this in a way that no one can, i remember things that id forgotten just from your descriptions, including that picture of you but on tumblr
You're so beautiful. Please take care of yourself. I know reliving hard times puts me in a dark mental space. Thank you for sharing your stories.
I haven't watched all this yet but I pray you mention that you can actually split your stomach lining when purging. It happens in a second. I'm so glad you're free of it, or maybe just practised with the will to stop. Love you Dorian, do as many posts as possible, more please! Love Shar on Sams phone. P.s. I hope you're reading your comments again now xxx
My Ed was between late 80s and early to mid 90s. There was no pro Ana , no net! However myself and 2 other friends in college all become anorexic together . Our one friend was the worst and was so ill, I was next and my other friend lost weight but got mad because no one was worried. It was so competitive and sick really . The one who was the sickest had to leave and then it was me. I don’t even remember much other than it’s a big blur . I recently reconnected with my college roommate who was so happy to see I was recovered and ok. She said Laura we were all so scared. You were obsessed and so unhappy and so thin. I literally have no memory of anyone being worried except one guy who liked me and was worried . I must have been in lala land . I don’t know how common that was at the time to have found other friends in person to be Ed with. Certainly a lot harder than finding millions on net. I think it normalized what I was doing as I wasn’t doing it in isolation . Later on though I was as I got more sucked in. I do remember feeling lonely and trying to hide it from people later on. I will say that I almost relapsed ( did partially ) in 2016 after going through loads of stress. Restricting and exercise helped me cope . Mj life felt so out of control and me deciding I was healthy enough to read books and blogs on it and watch videos on TH-cam helped fuel it. I can’t believe how much more dangerous it is to be influenced now that it’s a click away all day long ! I try to only watch people who are fighting the fight and doing positive things now . Some of the mindset and thoughts still there.
It's always hard because it's like living in a parallel reality. You can't get out of yours and that's why no one knows. Or they know but don't tell you for whatever reason they have. But that's what makes mental illness so so difficult.
Kinda makes me think of the ladies from the 60s and 70s .. house wife type... idk If calories were a thing back then but the house wife's were SUPER into there weight what they ate ect. I wonder what ED was back then or if there was even a label then. Makes me think of my grandmother's tips.. the living on grape fruit and cabbage.. my thoughts are wondering just thought I'd share lol. I can't wait for your book.. my heart broke listening to you talk about your Gretchen and Ash.. truly sorry
Wow I never thought about that, ed's were a thing way before 90s, imagine the amount of isolation those people felt 😢
Yea Calories weren’t invented in the 60s. You could eat whatever you wanted without worrying
Hahah
god i love how raw u are, i think all the ana girls have experienced that envy of the mia girls
I honestly started crying when you talked about Gretchen...
Those days were special, now it’s different having the internet on demand. Gretchen was unlike any other person such a joyful spirit who suffered terribly. RIP angel 👼🏻
I miss the old days of the internet soooo much. Everything felt subversive but also somehow innocent. The corporate sterility of today’s internet is so boring in comparison, even while there’s so much functionality.
How are you doing?
I sincerely hope you’ll release your book on audiobook with you narrating.
We are probably more opposite than any two people could be but I find you so fascinating and hang out for new videos. You’re an amazing person
it sounds so weird to me when you say you wanted to be "cool like one of the purg girls" because as someone who has bulimia I've always wanted to be anorexic lmao
well i can say as someone who has anorexia i've always wanted to be bulimic lmaooo
@@justjude2037 the grass is always greener on the other side uh?
Why?
@@essaly7969 ana wouldn't require them to purge and bidge, however with ana you wish you could eat and still lose weight.
I think I win this one (no I do not, I'm an imbecile) I have both now.
Thank you Dorian. I so relate. Ive been in recovery for 11 years, but it still lives in the depths of my soul like a demon threatening me all the time. I am able to push it down..But it will never been totally gone. Your stories help so much. And yes, we all love Ash along with you ❤
i’m literally never happier than when i’m about to have a bath and clean my room then see a dorian upload :)
This but when I'm going to bed lmao
@@yallIdunno yes haha it’s 4am and i came back to finish watching
I can relate a lot to the part about Ash, about letting people go because you think that you're unworthy. I have had similar incidences that when I think back I feel so full of regret and guilt it physically hurts. The what ifs. Thank you for sharing your story, it has truly touched me. Some of the things you mentioned, I've never heard anyone else say before. I feel less alone
This scared me to the core. Because, if I was born just a half-decade earlier, this would be the spiral I'd have fallen into.
Much love, Dorian. You may not be out of the mess, never will be, but your presence here is a blessing. Thanks for sharing your stories.
You can still get that feeling of a dark, hidden community in real pro-ana places, mostly on discord. The issue is that most of them label themselves that when they are more like simply “not forcing recovery”. I’m in a few real proana/promia places because we don’t share tips but we truly fall into each other like a community, hands linked and hearts tied to each other. We love each other truly and deeply and when someone expresses fear of their path or a want for recovery they are happily offered the ability to stay in general chats but barred from any triggering chats, we really do love each other deeply. A kiss of safety in a very forceful world that makes you seek therapy before you are truly ready to try.
I'm really struggling with loneliness atm
the first time i learned what "anorexia" meant it felt like the sky opened, i related to every word, every anorexic habit that was described. until, they got to the core of the definition which was "underweight". i wasn't underweight. and so i thought, i have nothing to do with it. oh, god, years later i realized i was too young to even have that word in my vocabulary. however, in 2013, at the age of 13, i made my tumblr blog. it was a miraculous world where i could put all of my, yet to be discovered depression. i discovered marilyn manson, nine inch nails, all the alternative aesthetics. and i discovered a girl, a model & blogger, i am not sure if i want to mention her name, but she was big on the early alternative tumblr aesthetic. an alt-tumblr girl. and i wanted to be just like her. turned out i wasn't the only one. i saw a short tag under one of her pictures and i clicked on it. BOOM! it was the holy grail. i've been bullied for years and years about my weight, and i continue fighting it up to today. but right then my 13 years old brain knew it found a cheat code. i didn't lose weight, in fact, i gained some, not because of my eating habits but because i was growing up and transforming into an adult human being. disgusting, right? once i turned 16, i knew i couldn't handle it anymore. years passed by and the numbers dropped. people congratulated me. they say i look great. but i am never satisfied, never planned to maintain my weight. it's a deep dark secret that i keep at the darkest place possible. sick undercover. i know every tip, i have personally tested it. nobody suspects that i have such knowledge. sometimes it makes me sad that if i ever dare to speak, they will look at me with concern and ask me "why?" "oh, sweethearts, i bet none of you would handle the truth', i'd say as distant and snarky as i've always been. and no. it wasn't because i wanted to look like somebody else.
Wow what a story, what is the truth you mean?
Yay! The only thing better than a new video popping up is that it’s an hour long! 🤍🖤💙
I feel like this video is the only place that old feeling still exists, and I rewatch it all the time lol
I have fallen in love with Ash hearing your stories, and the end of this one broke my heart :(
Old member of the purgatorium on LJ. Thank you for this. I am going through a tough time rn.
I feel like I know you for some reason...regardless I hope you find peace 🙏 my prayers are with you
@@MK-gm2mq maybe you do. The internet can be a small place. I'm in the process of recovering. I think it's a life long process.
Hoping the same for you friend
I was a member there too.
Very exited to have something to listen to while I get ready.
That line about Gretchen's love being like a box of sharp teethed puppies spoke to me so much. May she Rest In Peace 💜
And you are not a cockroach person. I admire you so much. I hope you have a good weekend. Looking forward to the next! Take care 💜
Hearing you talk about Gretchin made me cry, it was so beautiful and sad. She sounded so lovely, rip Gretchin x
I'll never forget how I had initially found you through 'goth diy' in the TH-cam search bar...a zillion hours of relatable aspie waffles and goffik adventures later, I can't imagine my IG feed nor my YT subscriptions without your face! I love you to the moon and back. You've brought a lot of joy into my life.
you ARE an unbelievable story teller. I can feel your pain and joy, your fear and anger. your heartbreak. I hope that going through these memories is more helpful than hurtful. it can be so cleansing for our souls to tell our story. I have watched so many of your videos and I love that you keep it so real. you don't sugar coat anything with sparkles and glitter. you say your highs and you say your lows. its beautiful and so are you. Also we are all just fucked up messes walking around trying to figure shit out don't feel alone. sending some serious love your way.
I needed to hear all of this today. Thank you for speaking on things that many of us struggle(d) with EDs Dorian love. 💜
The wording in this video was very very beautiful and poetic. Especially the part about gretchen. I know youve talked about her before in a lot of videos but this time it hit very different, different and hard. Even i cried and i never cry at art. Very beautiful🙌
It’s inspiring how openly you share your experiences and I love the way you tell stories... It makes me want to share my own!
He has mentioned it in another video, the meet ups one I think.
Yes I’ve watched those too, Dorian has a way with words
Beautifully written and powerful. Your voice adds the emotion and umpf to it, if an audiobook ever happens you must record it.
DORIAN I'M SO GLAD YOU UPLOADED!!! I'M CURRENTLY RECOVERING FROM SURGERY AND AM VERY MUCH ENJOYING YOUR VIDEOS RIGHT NOW!!! YOU ROCK, DUDE!
As a fellow goth, aspie, and genderqueer trans guy, I very much enjoy your videos and enjoy hearing about your life. Of course I can only know as much about you as you wish to share, but of what you have shared about yourself, I relate to a good bit of it. Especially the pieces about growing up undiagnosed, and all the feelings that come with getting diagnosed as an adult. And the Gender Waffles. I adore the gender waffles and feel that you put into words what I struggle to explain.
Seeing how brutally honest you are about the realities of ED and addiction and self-farm recovery is very helpful. You are very wise and insightful. Like an older sibling, I suppose.
If you have tips on cheap goth room decor, that would be fascinating and a great deal of fun, if you are interested in sharing about that. My current setup is a fuckton of 3D bat wall stickers. And dollar store glittery halloween trinkets.
Also btw your outfit looks so so good.
hey, i don't capitalize my i's either! i like the aesthetic of them, the little dots are cute. i've had folks tell me i must be depreciating myself as well but i really just like the way they look ❤️
Aghh wow, this is actually one of my favorites. The way you told this one, that thing i saw in your eyes.
This video is giving me chills. So perfectly written, and sadly, relatable.
i'm 43. Thank you for this. When the red bracelets started I can remember being jealous. I never ever spoke of my ED, the guilt I would feel was violent and I tried to avoid even touching it with my thoughts. The echoe was so loud back then when the doors would close. Your explanation of the need for a sense of belonging in the years of pre-internet community healed a little of that whisper stuck in my soul.
I avoided ur channel for ages cause I thought it would be super triggering, but honestly I find a lot of peace in ur vids as I recover. It’s like listening to my big sister who actually understands me ❤️💕
Really struggling with my ED today so this video is very appreciated. Love you ❤️
wish you better days!
♡♡♡
Thank you for sharing Gretchen with us! Also my condolences!
first time i've heard anyone describe the usage of lowercase exactly the way i felt of it (if i worded that correctly) pfha kind of scared me for some reason
anyway, as always- thank you for giving us another glimpse of your life story, dorian ♡
I am completely distracted from my life when I watch this and I love it. Thank you for sharing your story. I can’t thank you enough.
I'm binging your videos and they really help me with staying alive and making it all more bearable. Thank you for making them.