my love for that song has caused me to exhale greatly whilst reading this... congratulations! Do you have Twitter/Insta I can follow and DM you on and sort out making your Monday £250 better?
A man attends a funeral and asks the widow if he can say a word, she agrees. He steps up clears his throat and says “Plethora”, then sits back down. The widow replies “Thanks, that means a lot”.
A pair of cows were talking in the field. One says, “Have you heard about the mad cow disease that’s going around?” “Yeah,” the other cow says, “makes me glad I’m a penguin.”
Great video - here's the best joke I could think of off the top of of my head: I walked in a butchers and the guy said that he bet me 20 quid I couldn't reach those two bits of meat up there. But I said I'm not betting. The steaks were too high.
Don’t know if anyone has said this but I’m pretty sure the reason it’s called pencil lead is because it used to be lead but when they found out about the side effects of lead they switched to graphite
A grasshopper walks into a bar. The bartender looks at him and says, “Hey, they named a drink after you!” “Really?” replies the grasshopper. “There’s a drink named Stan?”
There was once a farmer who loved his tractors, he had posters and models and a tractor of his own The only thing he loved more was his darling wife One day a horrible accident occurred and his wife was flattened by a tractor Upon hearing the news the farmer tears down his posters, bins his models and sells his tractor A few years later he is on a date with a woman, trying to move on after his wifes death Suddenly the restaurant fills with smoke from the kitchen, his date screams but he tells her not to worry He stands up and sucks in the smoke, rushes outside, and blows it out He does this a few times until all the smoke had gone The date said “wow, how did u do that?” The farmer replied “im an ex-tractor fan”
Apparently the English language is one of the hardest to learn. For example, ‘knight’ has a silent K, ‘Knick knack’ has 4 silent Ks and ‘republican’ has 3 silent Ks
I was working as a barman and a bloke walked in and put a 1 foot tall man on the bar and a small piano, in no time the bar was filled with amazing piano music. I asked the bloke 'thats amazing, where did you get him from?' He took a lamp from his pocket and said 'if you rub this a genie will appear and grant you 1 wish' I grabbed the lamp and the genie appeared in all his glory and asked me what my wish was. 'I wish I had a million bucks' As soon as I finished my wish the genie disappeared and 1 by 1 a million ducks started walking into the bar. I said 'what's happened here? I think that genie is hard of hearing, I asked for a million bucks not a million ducks' The bloke looked at me with a weary expression and said 'do you really think I wished for a 12 inch pianist?'
Two nuns are driving on a dark and stormy night, through the winding back roads of Transelvainia. Wind lashes and lightning flashes in the distance. All of a sudden a vampire slams himself onto their window terrifying the poor nuns. As he hisses and violently shakes the car, one nun screams “show him your cross” The other nun yells “Get off the fucking Window!”
3 kids were asking their mother about their names. Leafy asked:- Mama, why is my name Leafy? The Mother answered:- Cause when you were born a Leaf fell on your head Then Rainy asked:- Mama, why is my name Rainy? The mother said:- Because when your were born, the water from the rain fell on your head Then Bricky Asked:- SANMAM,,, EHYWY DISIIS HJHHTMHMGM AMENMA BFIJCKCY¿
A lost dog strays into a jungle. A lion sees this from a distance and says with caution "this guy looks edible, never seen his kind before". So the lion starts rushing towards the dog with menace. The dog notices and starts to panic but as he's about to run he sees some bones next to him and gets an idea and says loudly "mmm...that was some good lion meat!". The lion abruptly stops and says " woah! This guy seems tougher then he looks, I better leave while I can". Over by the tree top, a monkey witnessed everything. Evidently, the monkey realizes the he can benefit from this situation by telling the lion and getting something in return. So the monkey proceeds to tell the lion what really happened and the lion says angrily "get on my back, we'll get him together". So they start rushing back to the dog. The dog sees them and realized what happened and starts to panic even more. He then gets another idea and shouts "where the hell is that monkey! I told him to bring me another lion an hour ago..."
A bear walks into a bar and says, “Give me a whiskey and … cola.” “Why the big pause?” asks the bartender. The bear shrugged. “I’m not sure; I was born with them.”
Two cows stood in a field, one says to the other "you heard about this mad cow disease?" The other cow says back looking confused.. "Don't know what you're on about Nigel, I'm a dog"
My wife left a note on the fridge that said, "This isn't working." I'm not sure what she's talking about. I opened the fridge door and it's working fine!
Ok Ciaran, you ever heard the one about the wooden car? Yeah I know how amazing, it’s a car made completely out of wood! Yep that’s right all wood, wooden seats, wooden steering wheel, wooden wheels…………… IT WOODEN’T WORK ahahahahahaha Also lost my shit when Zac goes “A verb is a doing word” 😂😂😂
joke time: a man walks into his doctors office the doctor looks at his results asks him to pick a star sign any star sign the man thinks and says...dunno Capricorn? and the doctor says, close but no...you have cancer...
A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Amal". The other goes to a family in Spain, who name him "Juan". Years later Juan sends a picture of himself to his mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wished she also had a picture of Amal. Her husband responds: "They're twins. If you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal
So when I was growing up, we had this family friend who was a farmer, and this guy was absolutely obsessed with tractors. He had posters all over his walls, he bought all the tractor magazines every week, he spent all his free time talking about tractors online etc. The only thing in his life that could compare to his love of tractors was his wife. They were childhood sweethearts, had been married for 20-odd years, never argued about anything, a proper love story for the ages. Anyway, one night the farmer was out tending to his fields in one of his many, many tractors, as he did every day and night, and after he had finished his work and was reversing his tractor back into the barn where he kept it, he hit something. The farmer simply just assumed he had accidentally gone too far back and hit the hay bales he kept at the back of the barn. Either way, he got out and checked just to be sure, and to his absolute horror he found he had actually reversed straight into his wife. She had come out to look for him to tell him she was headed to bed early that night, and in the dark he hadn't seen her behind the tractor, and the tractors engine covered up the noise of her shouting for the farmer to stop. The wife was rushed into an ambulance but was unfortunately pronounced dead on the way to the hospital from her injuries. This, understandably, absolutely broke the farmer. One of his favourite things in the world had just killed his other favourite thing. This lead to the farmer questioning whether he could still love tractors after one had just killed his wife, and after much deliberation, he got rid of the posters, stopped buying the magazines, and he stopped going online to talk about tractors. He fell out of love with them. Very slowly over time, the farmer started meeting people again and started going on some dates, as him and his late wife had always promised they'd do if the other one died. At one of these dates, the farmer noticed smoke started coming out of the kitchen of the restaurant the date was at. At first it was only a small amount, but over time more and more smoke came bellowing out of this kitchen, at which point a chef ran out screaming "FIRE!" with the rest of the kitchen staff following him. This led to a massive scramble of everyone trying to rush out the door, everyone except the farmer. He simply just walked towards the kitchen, stood tall, put his shoulders back and took the deepest breath that he could, somehow breathing in every bit of smoke in the restaurant whilst also cutting the oxygen supply of the fire and putting it out. He then walked outside and breathed all the smoke out of his lungs into the air. Obviously everyone was shocked and began asking him how the hell he did that, to which he simply replied "I'm an ex-tractor fan".
Two friends are at a party and one of the friends passes out. The other immediately calls 999 (911 in the US). This is how the call went: Friend 2: I think my friend is dead! Operator: Sir, stay calm. Make sure he's dead first. **A gunshot is heard.** Friend 2: Okay, now what?
Two nurses work in an abortion clinic on their lunch break Nurse 1: what are you having for lunch? Nurse 2: baby back ribs Nurse 1: ohh from Arby's? Nurse 2: no, my last patient
A granny is driving her car along the high way knitting, a police car come up beside her and notices what she is doing. Police: “Oi…Pullover!” Granny: “No it’s a sweater”
So a new cake shop opened up in my hometown the other day, the gimmick being that all the cakes were small and £1 each. I decided to check the place out and while perusing I came across a cake in the back of the store that cost £5, what was so special about it to cost 5x the amount of any other cake in the store? I walked up to the cashier and asked: “why is that cake in the back so expensive?” He replied: “that’s Madeira cake” How do you lure a bear out of a cave with only some cheese? Camembert How long does it take to set up a PayPal account? This one isn’t a joke I just need to know
Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one - and let the other off. Also, sick video. I’m quite disappointed that you lost to Zac though..🤣
The world's leading expert on wasps walks into a record shop. As he’s flicking through the records he comes across one titled “101 wasp sounds”, the expert grabs the record and buys it instantly. He takes home his new record excited to play it, but to not read any of the track list and to challenge himself to spot which species of wasp each track is a recording of. He listens to track one but can’t for the life of him seem to work out what it is. “Hmm that’s strange” thought the expert, so he skips to track 2 and once again is completely stumped. This goes on and on until he’s listened to all 101 tracks and couldn’t name a single one. The following day the expert storms back to the record shop, goes to the counter and says "This is outrageous false advertising! I am the words leading wasp expert and no specimen of wasp that I know of has ever made a sound like the ones on this!” The shop assistant calms the man down, then explains to him that he had actually been listening to the Bee side.
I rang work and I said "I can't come in today, I have a wee cough" The boss said "You have a wee cough?" I said "Wow, thanks boss, see you next Wednesday!"
Recently there has been a lot of property damage in the area, specifically to washing machines. The police couldn't find the culprit, but yesterday they found a dead body and linked the fingerprints to the damaged property, the man's name was Callum, all the locals are so happy because washing machines live longer with cal gone
A piece of string walks into a bar and asks for a drink, the bartender says "no we don't serve your kind in here". So the piece of string walks out of the bar, ties himself together and messes his hair up. The piece of string walks back into the bar and says "ill have that drink now". The bartender says "aren't you that piece of string I refused earlier". The piece of string says " No, I'm A Freyed knot"
A group of nuns all go for a bike ride, and they're giggling the whole way. The mother superior calls to them "stop giggling or I'll put the saddles back on"
A woman who just went into Labor suddenly shouted “Shouldn’t, wouldn’t, couldn’t, didn’t, can’t”. “Don’t worry” said the doctor. “Those are just contractions”
I was gonna make a joke about my existence but, that would take an biography. So I figured my team was hilarious enough. Portsmouth fc are have an astounding season. Wouldn't you agree?
Went into a shop the other day and all the cakes were £1 apart from one which was £1.50 I asked the shop keeper why and they replied “it’s medira cake “
I don’t remember many jokes unless I specifically relate to them, many I know are MH related, this one gave me a chuckle when I first heard it - “Dating with mental health is a little different - third base is when they see you having an anxiety attack.”
A priest, a minister, and a rabbi want to see who’s best at his job. So they each go into the woods, find a bear, and attempt to convert it. Later they get together. The priest begins: “When I found the bear, I read to him from the Catechism and sprinkled him with holy water. Next week is his First Communion.” “I found a bear by the stream,” says the minister, “and preached God’s holy word. The bear was so mesmerized that he let me baptize him.” They both look down at the rabbi, who is lying on a gurney in a body cast. “Looking back,” he says, “maybe I shouldn’t have started with the circumcision.”
I went into the bakery the other day, and all of the cakes were 5 pence. I thought: "How odd". But then right at the very end of the counter there was one cake for "£45", again, "How strange" So I asked the baker "Excuse me, how come all these cakes are so cheap but this one here is so expensive?" To which he replied, "Oh! That's Madeira cake".
Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He’s not breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls 911. “I think my friend is dead!” he yells. “What can I do?” The operator says, “Calm down. First, let’s make sure he’s dead.” There’s a silence, then a shot. Back on the phone, the guy says, “OK, now what?”
Micky and Mini Mouse is at court. The judge says: So, you want to divorce Mini because she's extremely silly? Micky: No its because she's F*king Goofy. This is my favourite joke of all times
![ILLSLICK X YOUNGOHM - We're The same [Official Video]](http://i.ytimg.com/vi/yUJNkobYR0E/mqdefault.jpg)
Managed to get a picture with REM, that’s me in the corner.
Very good
You win
You win
my love for that song has caused me to exhale greatly whilst reading this... congratulations! Do you have Twitter/Insta I can follow and DM you on and sort out making your Monday £250 better?
omg!!! yes its lauraaliily!! thank you so much 💖
I think it's time we make Zac take an IQ test.
that time was years ago
Agreed
Indeed
Yes
Best joke! Treat yourself 😂 xx
A man attends a funeral and asks the widow if he can say a word, she agrees. He steps up clears his throat and says “Plethora”, then sits back down. The widow replies “Thanks, that means a lot”.
am i stupid i don’t get it
ohhhh
Ha
2.5 isn't a mixed fraction, it's a decimal. 2 1/2 is a mixed fraction, ergo the game is wrong, and there's no shame for you Ciarán.
That's exactly what I thought
Just about to comment upon the same statement. Game is wrong thus their needs to be a rematch
@@matthewamosvlogs936 there*
Thank you! 😂
Except he thought it was 1 2/5...
I was applying for an Australian citizenship and the interviewer asked "do you have a criminal record?" I said "no, is that still required?"
A priest, a minister, and a rabbit walk in to donate blood.
The rabbit says "I think I might be a type-O."
A pair of cows were talking in the field.
One says, “Have you heard about the mad cow disease that’s going around?”
“Yeah,” the other cow says, “makes me glad I’m a penguin.”
My grief counsellor died, but he was so good that I don’t even care.
Hehe
Gary Delaney
Damn
YIKES
Horse walks into a bar
Bartender: Hey
Horse: Yes please
Great video - here's the best joke I could think of off the top of of my head:
I walked in a butchers and the guy said that he bet me 20 quid I couldn't reach those two bits of meat up there. But I said I'm not betting.
The steaks were too high.
I will never forget my granddad’s final words
“Are you still holding the fucking ladder?”
Before you criticise someone, walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you do criticise them, you're a mile away and have their shoes.
Who's the nicest guy in a hospital?
The ultrasound guy.
And who covers for him when he's away?
The hip replacement guy
“My girlfriend told me to stop acting like a flamingo, so I had to put my foot down” - love you Ciaran
Ciaran is criminally underrated, that’s not the joke btw
Ciarán looks like a proud dad every time Zac gets a question right :)
I went into the pet shop the other day to buy a goldfish. The bloke asked if I wanted an aquarium. I said “I don’t care what star sign it is”
I always take my wife morning coffee in my pyjamas. But is she grateful? No. She says she'd rather have it in a cup
Its tea not coffee lol
@@matthewlemaistre2614 it couldn’t matter less
@@jackvickers8816 have you seen the video?
Why did the chicken cross the road? - to get to your house
Knock knock - who’s there? - the chicken
Don’t know if anyone has said this but I’m pretty sure the reason it’s called pencil lead is because it used to be lead but when they found out about the side effects of lead they switched to graphite
There are 7 dwarves in a bath feeling happy. Happy gets out so they all feel grumpy.
I gave my daughter a fridge for her birthday. It was great seeing her face light up when she opened it
5:18 that's not a mixed fraction though, that's a decimal. the answer is 2 1/2
how does Zac get the easiest questions but still not know them 😂
Well…he did
A grasshopper walks into a bar. The bartender looks at him and says, “Hey, they named a drink after you!”
“Really?” replies the grasshopper. “There’s a drink named Stan?”
There was once a farmer who loved his tractors, he had posters and models and a tractor of his own
The only thing he loved more was his darling wife
One day a horrible accident occurred and his wife was flattened by a tractor
Upon hearing the news the farmer tears down his posters, bins his models and sells his tractor
A few years later he is on a date with a woman, trying to move on after his wifes death
Suddenly the restaurant fills with smoke from the kitchen, his date screams but he tells her not to worry
He stands up and sucks in the smoke, rushes outside, and blows it out
He does this a few times until all the smoke had gone
The date said “wow, how did u do that?”
The farmer replied “im an ex-tractor fan”
Apparently the English language is one of the hardest to learn.
For example, ‘knight’ has a silent K, ‘Knick knack’ has 4 silent Ks and ‘republican’ has 3 silent Ks
I was working as a barman and a bloke walked in and put a 1 foot tall man on the bar and a small piano, in no time the bar was filled with amazing piano music.
I asked the bloke 'thats amazing, where did you get him from?'
He took a lamp from his pocket and said 'if you rub this a genie will appear and grant you 1 wish'
I grabbed the lamp and the genie appeared in all his glory and asked me what my wish was.
'I wish I had a million bucks'
As soon as I finished my wish the genie disappeared and 1 by 1 a million ducks started walking into the bar. I said 'what's happened here? I think that genie is hard of hearing, I asked for a million bucks not a million ducks'
The bloke looked at me with a weary expression and said 'do you really think I wished for a 12 inch pianist?'
- What do you call a deer with no eyes?
- No idea
…
- What do you call a dead deer with no eyes?
- Still no idea
Two nuns are driving on a dark and stormy night, through the winding back roads of Transelvainia. Wind lashes and lightning flashes in the distance. All of a sudden a vampire slams himself onto their window terrifying the poor nuns. As he hisses and violently shakes the car, one nun screams “show him your cross”
The other nun yells “Get off the fucking Window!”
I sent my hearing aid off for repairs but something must be wrong because I haven’t heard anything since
why do swedish boats have barcodes on them?
so they can Scandinavian.
went to a great new christian restaurant last night called 'The Lord Giveth'. They also do takeaways
Zac with one of the greatest character arcs of modern media
I used to have a job at a bowling alley, it wasn't permanent though, just TenPin
What’s starts with M and ends with Arriage.
Miscarriage
That joke never gets old, and neither does the baby.
3 kids were asking their mother about their names.
Leafy asked:- Mama, why is my name Leafy?
The Mother answered:- Cause when you were born a Leaf fell on your head
Then Rainy asked:- Mama, why is my name Rainy?
The mother said:- Because when your were born, the water from the rain fell on your head
Then Bricky Asked:- SANMAM,,, EHYWY DISIIS HJHHTMHMGM AMENMA BFIJCKCY¿
To the guy who stole my antidepressants: I hope you’re happy now.
A lost dog strays into a jungle. A lion sees this from a distance and says with caution "this guy looks edible, never seen his kind before". So the lion starts rushing towards the dog with menace. The dog notices and starts to panic but as he's about to run he sees some bones next to him and gets an idea and says loudly "mmm...that was some good lion meat!".
The lion abruptly stops and says " woah! This guy seems tougher then he looks, I better leave while I can". Over by the tree top, a monkey witnessed everything. Evidently, the monkey realizes the he can benefit from this situation by telling the lion and getting something in return. So the monkey proceeds to tell the lion what really happened and the lion says angrily "get on my back, we'll get him together". So they start rushing back to the dog. The dog sees them and realized what happened and starts to panic even more.
He then gets another idea and shouts "where the hell is that monkey! I told him to bring me another lion an hour ago..."
Knock knock 🚪
Who’s there?
Smellip
Smellip-who?
…💩
£250 thank you very much
(Sorry, had to go for the most childish joke I know)
A bear walks into a bar and says, “Give me a whiskey and … cola.”
“Why the big pause?” asks the bartender. The bear shrugged. “I’m not sure; I was born with them.”
What’s the difference between people from Dubai and people from Abu Dhabi?
People from Dubai don’t like the Flinstones but people from Abu Dhabi Do
The past, the present and the future walked into a bar
It was tense
Two cows stood in a field, one says to the other
"you heard about this mad cow disease?"
The other cow says back looking confused..
"Don't know what you're on about Nigel, I'm a dog"
My wife left a note on the fridge that said, "This isn't working." I'm not sure what she's talking about. I opened the fridge door and it's working fine!
A horse walk's into a bar. The bar tender says 'Why the long face?'
The horse reply's 'My alcoholism is destroying my family'
My dad used to always say, “You should fight fire with fire!” Which is probably why he got thrown out of the fire department.
A Freudian slip is when you say one thing but you mean your mother
Prediction:
- Ciarán: Definitely
- Will: Probably
- Zac: Nah
Pretty much the opposite lmao
Ok Ciaran, you ever heard the one about the wooden car? Yeah I know how amazing, it’s a car made completely out of wood! Yep that’s right all wood, wooden seats, wooden steering wheel, wooden wheels……………
IT WOODEN’T WORK ahahahahahaha
Also lost my shit when Zac goes “A verb is a doing word” 😂😂😂
I bought a TV in the sale, dead cheap but the volume was stuck on full.
I thought, "I can't turn that down."
Janice: What do you call a chicken
Me: I don’t know what do you call a chicken
Janice: a chicken (pause waiting for hysterical laughter)
joke time:
a man walks into his doctors office
the doctor looks at his results
asks him to pick a star sign any star sign
the man thinks and says...dunno Capricorn?
and the doctor says, close but no...you have cancer...
A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Amal". The other goes to a family in Spain, who name him "Juan". Years later Juan sends a picture of himself to his mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wished she also had a picture of Amal. Her husband responds: "They're twins. If you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal
What do you call a man with a car on his head?
An Ambulance
What do a puppy and a near-sighted gynaecologist have in common? A wet nose
thought you’d appreciate a harry potter joke:
Why is Mad-Eye Moody such a bad professor?
Because he can’t control his pupils
A man in a wheelchair stole my camouflage jacket. I called out after him “You can hide, but you can’t run!” .
So when I was growing up, we had this family friend who was a farmer, and this guy was absolutely obsessed with tractors. He had posters all over his walls, he bought all the tractor magazines every week, he spent all his free time talking about tractors online etc. The only thing in his life that could compare to his love of tractors was his wife. They were childhood sweethearts, had been married for 20-odd years, never argued about anything, a proper love story for the ages. Anyway, one night the farmer was out tending to his fields in one of his many, many tractors, as he did every day and night, and after he had finished his work and was reversing his tractor back into the barn where he kept it, he hit something. The farmer simply just assumed he had accidentally gone too far back and hit the hay bales he kept at the back of the barn. Either way, he got out and checked just to be sure, and to his absolute horror he found he had actually reversed straight into his wife. She had come out to look for him to tell him she was headed to bed early that night, and in the dark he hadn't seen her behind the tractor, and the tractors engine covered up the noise of her shouting for the farmer to stop. The wife was rushed into an ambulance but was unfortunately pronounced dead on the way to the hospital from her injuries. This, understandably, absolutely broke the farmer. One of his favourite things in the world had just killed his other favourite thing. This lead to the farmer questioning whether he could still love tractors after one had just killed his wife, and after much deliberation, he got rid of the posters, stopped buying the magazines, and he stopped going online to talk about tractors. He fell out of love with them. Very slowly over time, the farmer started meeting people again and started going on some dates, as him and his late wife had always promised they'd do if the other one died. At one of these dates, the farmer noticed smoke started coming out of the kitchen of the restaurant the date was at. At first it was only a small amount, but over time more and more smoke came bellowing out of this kitchen, at which point a chef ran out screaming "FIRE!" with the rest of the kitchen staff following him. This led to a massive scramble of everyone trying to rush out the door, everyone except the farmer. He simply just walked towards the kitchen, stood tall, put his shoulders back and took the deepest breath that he could, somehow breathing in every bit of smoke in the restaurant whilst also cutting the oxygen supply of the fire and putting it out. He then walked outside and breathed all the smoke out of his lungs into the air. Obviously everyone was shocked and began asking him how the hell he did that, to which he simply replied "I'm an ex-tractor fan".
Two friends are at a party and one of the friends passes out. The other immediately calls 999 (911 in the US). This is how the call went:
Friend 2: I think my friend is dead!
Operator: Sir, stay calm. Make sure he's dead first.
**A gunshot is heard.**
Friend 2: Okay, now what?
Two fish are in a tank,
One fish turns to the other and asks;
“How do we drive this thing”
Two nurses work in an abortion clinic on their lunch break
Nurse 1: what are you having for lunch?
Nurse 2: baby back ribs
Nurse 1: ohh from Arby's?
Nurse 2: no, my last patient
Great video!
Joke - I got my wife a bionic leg for Christmas last year.
It wasn't her main present though, it was more of a stocking filler.
Freud walks into a bar.
The bartender says “sorry, we can’t serve you”.
Freud walks out, shouting, “mother fucker”
Two sausages sizzling in a pan,
One sausage says to the other “Jesus it’s hot in here”
The other sausage replies
“ FUCKIN HELL A TALKING SAUSAGE”
A granny is driving her car along the high way knitting, a police car come up beside her and notices what she is doing.
Police: “Oi…Pullover!”
Granny: “No it’s a sweater”
“Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?”-George Carlin
So a new cake shop opened up in my hometown the other day, the gimmick being that all the cakes were small and £1 each. I decided to check the place out and while perusing I came across a cake in the back of the store that cost £5, what was so special about it to cost 5x the amount of any other cake in the store? I walked up to the cashier and asked: “why is that cake in the back so expensive?”
He replied: “that’s Madeira cake”
How do you lure a bear out of a cave with only some cheese?
Camembert
How long does it take to set up a PayPal account?
This one isn’t a joke I just need to know
And the Lord said unto John, “Come forth and you will receive eternal life.” But John came fifth - and won a toaster.
Stole this of w2s 😳
@@seanog3488 W2S didn't invent this joke
@@Dylzhaar I know but he prob seen it there
Local advertisement: Broken guitar for sale; no strings attached
ciarán: let's use a ds emulator to play are you smarter than a 10 year old?
me, an intellectual: let's use a ds emulator to play pokémon games
You aren’t an intellectual
@@InfinityTornado i was just making a joke lmao
What is the opposite of a croissant? A happy uncle.
Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one - and let the other off.
Also, sick video. I’m quite disappointed that you lost to Zac though..🤣
What do you call a rooster staring at a piece of lettuce?
A chicken sees a salad
The world's leading expert on wasps walks into a record shop. As he’s flicking through the records he comes across one titled “101 wasp sounds”, the expert grabs the record and buys it instantly.
He takes home his new record excited to play it, but to not read any of the track list and to challenge himself to spot which species of wasp each track is a recording of. He listens to track one but can’t for the life of him seem to work out what it is. “Hmm that’s strange” thought the expert, so he skips to track 2 and once again is completely stumped. This goes on and on until he’s listened to all 101 tracks and couldn’t name a single one.
The following day the expert storms back to the record shop, goes to the counter and says "This is outrageous false advertising! I am the words leading wasp expert and no specimen of wasp that I know of has ever made a sound like the ones on this!” The shop assistant calms the man down, then explains to him that he had actually been listening to the Bee side.
This is class, thank you
As a vinyl DJ this made me laugh way more than I should have 😆
Dan Behenna. Jokes don't usually make me laugh but this is one of the few that did 😂very good thanks! ✌
I rang work and I said "I can't come in today, I have a wee cough" The boss said "You have a wee cough?" I said "Wow, thanks boss, see you next Wednesday!"
Recently there has been a lot of property damage in the area, specifically to washing machines. The police couldn't find the culprit, but yesterday they found a dead body and linked the fingerprints to the damaged property, the man's name was Callum, all the locals are so happy because washing machines live longer with cal gone
Two fish are in a tank. One turns to the other and says
"Do you know how to drive this thing?"
A piece of string walks into a bar and asks for a drink, the bartender says "no we don't serve your kind in here". So the piece of string walks out of the bar, ties himself together and messes his hair up. The piece of string walks back into the bar and says "ill have that drink now". The bartender says "aren't you that piece of string I refused earlier". The piece of string says " No, I'm A Freyed knot"
A group of nuns all go for a bike ride, and they're giggling the whole way. The mother superior calls to them "stop giggling or I'll put the saddles back on"
A woman who just went into Labor suddenly shouted “Shouldn’t, wouldn’t, couldn’t, didn’t, can’t”.
“Don’t worry” said the doctor. “Those are just contractions”
I liked this
What did they call Postman Pat when he got fired?
Pat :/
How do you turn a duck into a soul singer?
Put it in a microwave and it’s Bill Withers…
a man goes to a library and asks the librarian if she has any books on turtles. 'hard back?' she asks. 'aye and the tiny heads'
Ask me what I’m doing tomorrow
What are you doing tomorrow Andy?
Well first I’m collecting my glasses and then I’ll see…
what
Two muffins were sitting in an oven.
One turned to the other and said, “Wow, it’s pretty hot in here.”
The other one shouted, “Wow, a talking muffin!”
Joke-
Dentist: “This will hurt a little.”
Patient: “OK.”
Dentist: “I’m having an affair with your wife.”
Ha
What is a complete waste of time?
Telling a hair-raising story to a bald man.
dont have to watch to know ill love this!
Me: Hi
Me: What’s your name?
Me: Gobble
Me: Gobble who?
Me: Gobble on these bollocks.
Me: Ok.
I was gonna make a joke about my existence but, that would take an biography.
So I figured my team was hilarious enough.
Portsmouth fc are have an astounding season. Wouldn't you agree?
Went into a shop the other day and all the cakes were £1 apart from one which was £1.50
I asked the shop keeper why and they replied “it’s medira cake “
When I see the names of lovers engraved on a tree, I don't find it cute or romantic. I find it weird how many people take knives with them on dates
I don’t remember many jokes unless I specifically relate to them, many I know are MH related, this one gave me a chuckle when I first heard it - “Dating with mental health is a little different - third base is when they see you having an anxiety attack.”
A priest, a minister, and a rabbi want to see who’s best at his job. So they each go into the woods, find a bear, and attempt to convert it. Later they get together. The priest begins: “When I found the bear, I read to him from the Catechism and sprinkled him with holy water. Next week is his First Communion.”
“I found a bear by the stream,” says the minister, “and preached God’s holy word. The bear was so mesmerized that he let me baptize him.”
They both look down at the rabbi, who is lying on a gurney in a body cast. “Looking back,” he says, “maybe I shouldn’t have started with the circumcision.”
What do Pink Floyd and Princess Diana have in common?
Their last big hit was the wall.
I went into the bakery the other day, and all of the cakes were 5 pence. I thought: "How odd".
But then right at the very end of the counter there was one cake for "£45", again, "How strange"
So I asked the baker "Excuse me, how come all these cakes are so cheap but this one here is so expensive?"
To which he replied, "Oh! That's Madeira cake".
Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He’s not breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls 911.
“I think my friend is dead!” he yells. “What can I do?”
The operator says, “Calm down. First, let’s make sure he’s dead.”
There’s a silence, then a shot. Back on the phone, the guy says, “OK, now what?”
Micky and Mini Mouse is at court.
The judge says: So, you want to divorce Mini because she's extremely silly?
Micky: No its because she's F*king Goofy.
This is my favourite joke of all times
To the person that stole my Microsoft Office Licence:
I’m going to find you. You have my word.