I was in a marriage with someone who was working up to this level of controlling, and I'm sure worse. I asked my friends when they confessed to the things they didn't like before we'd married why they didn't speek up sooner and they said they'd wanted too but they knew I'd only make excuses for him, sadly they were right. It took him mistreating my puppy (that he'd got for me) to make me see him for who he really was. Fortunately, I have zero tolerance for mistreating animals. My sweet Hades baby turns 3 tomorrow 😊
I was married to this as well, however, it escalated to physical, mental and emotional abuse, he had everyone thinking he was a great guy even if they saw him abusing me in front of them.
@@SmallTownAngel86 Yeah, I eventually managed to get out. What really shocked me was that strangers online were the ones who stepped up to help, while people I had called friends and family for years refused to believe me. It was pretty surprising how willing complete strangers were to offer support without hesitation.
Her friends handled this so well. I have seen, so many times, friends being direct resulting in separation of their friendship instead of the toxic dangerous relationship.
I can see why the friends were so apprehensive about giving specific examples. 1) In that situation they're battling against a manipulator and all they have to fight with is the truth while he has lots of tools he uses specifically to obscure or manipulate the truth. The more information you give a manipulator, the more they have to use against you. 2) Its understandable they'd want to be really delicate about the situation to not make it a confrontation that could've put her in a position to feel a need to defend/justify him and his actions; they could've ended up inadvertently helping to reinforce his ideas of "love" in her.
I have been the friend that tried to help. They won't leave until they're ready. I tried several times. I finally gave up and I told her I only wanted to be her friend, but I didn't want to hear anything about her partner. She was with him off and on for too many years. Now, out of that abusive relationship, thankfully.
Everyone who says "you need to quit your job" even tho you stated that you like your job - girl, run 🤣 it's controling freak 101, like, how can you not see this bs?
As someone who has been in a abusive relationship and someone who tried to help a friend get out of a abusive relationship I can see both sides. No one helped me when I was in my marriage being abused. No one was there for me at all, even if they saw him abuse me in front of them. I couldn't ask for help for my own safety but if someone had offered it I would have been able to get out sooner. On the other hand I stepped up for a friend and I was burned from it. I was ostracized from our friend group when she went back to her husband. I was blamed for it all, called jealous among other things when all I wanted to do was help her when no one would help me. She was my best friend and one of the people who turned a blind eye to the abuse I went through. So, I know the pain of no one caring enough to help and being hurt for carting enough to help.
You have no idea how important this information is. This could save hundreds of lives. Please post this as a PSA or just in as many places as you can please. This is essentially a playbook for early removal of victims from abusive partners. This is OMG This information is gold.
I agree with what Candy said about OP needing to see it on her own. One of my younger sisters was in a relationship like this for a loooong time; they were engaged and trying to plan the wedding. We didn't want to tell her flat out we didn't like him/that he was controlling because we were scared she would think we were telling her what to do and elope or something. When we talked to her about this later (like, a few days ago; she's been broken up with him for years) she asked, "Why didn't you tell me?" and we gave her our reasoning. So I can see why OP's friends were trying to be careful.
OP really scared me when she said she confronted him on her own. If you are in OP's situation, and you need to talk to your abuser for some reason, talk to them over the phone, in public, and/or with someone who can protect you near by.
this was my marriage for 24 years, and I lost many of my friends who spoke up for/to me. I waited until the kids were adults before I left because I didn’t want him to hurt them, and my kids were very affected by what we went through as a family. It’s better to get out sooner than later. So if you start to see these signs, or your friends are saying things like this, get out. It’s not worth staying.
Also, not having a healthy idea of what love looks like is a bigger danger for the victims. Someone who grew up in an abusive controlling household is more likely to confuse these actions with love since that's what they were told was love since they were born. It affects some of us so deeply that we almost seek out relationships like this because this is "normal" and healthy relationships always seem like a trap. 😢
Yeah that’s red flags central. He’s seeing how far he can violate her boundaries. Been there done that. I mean typing that out should be a wake up call. You really don’t see it sometimes until you’re the outside of it. Trauma bond is a thing.
Also, abusers often have this technique of "love bombing", when at first they're the most attentive, romantic and dotting bf, but gradually they cut you from friends and family and establish control, so that when they get a abusive their victim is confused, has no one to go to and starts blaming herself since surely, if he was good before, then it's my fault he's not anymore. By the time, victim realize their reality, they are already trapped in circle of abuse->love bombing->victim blaming->forgivness->stabbls couple of days when victim tries to be good->abuse and it's really hard to get out of it and not consider it be your new normal...
My ex best friend was in a toxic and controlling relationship and our friendship shattered over it. I refused to have anything to do with the toxic person and she managed to turn my friend into a toxic person to me as well. And oftentimes telling the person outright that they're in a toxic and abusive relationship will just turn them away from you further or result in their partner convincing them to cut you off. So the friends made the best decision they could in their position. They could stay within her support network by hinting at her to think more about her relationship without actually calling it out. She did eventually reach her breaking point and get out, but our relationship will never be repaired after everything she said to me during that time. She never learned how to take accountability for her own actions and I just can't be involved anymore.
I had a controlling ex. I saw the red flags but felt lost in my life to do anything about it. Thankfully it only took me a couple of months to walk away. My favorite part was when I told him he was controlling he told me, “no, when I was younger I was but not now.” I wanted to laugh because a leopard does not change their spots.
Oof I was so confused at the beginning by the friends actions. But after hearing what the boyfriend did I was like “yea that’s abuse.” I hope OP is ok and has gotten a restraining order against the boyfriend. He is not stable.
Thank you so much for your take and advice on this story! My family is currently dealing w an issue regarding 1 kid, and your advice & comments apply perfectly to what is happening! It rly helped me realize how to best handle the situation.
I went through something like this, although it was with my mom. She's an alcoholic, & we had a very unhealthy, codependent relationship. My sister was already estranged from her (she was the scapegoat), & she pointed out the unhealthy dynamics for a while. I listened, but I made excuse after excuse for our mom. I just wasn't ready to cut the cord. I couldn't accept that it was the healthiest & best choice for myself. I eventually went NC with my mom for two years until she got treatment & quit drinking, & it was the best thing I could've done for myself. But I had to come to that conclusion on my own.
Situations like this make me think of a quote from bojack horseman, when you're looking at red flags through rose colored glasses, they just look like flags.She needed to get out yesterday
I prefer the previous version. I feel like it was much neater. I don't hate this newer style, don't get me wrong. Just something about it I don't like. Maybe the framed box you put the text in. Doesn't look so neat and tidy. Idk. I used to do graphic design as a hobby (and to make a bit of cash) so something is off but I can't put my finger on it. But like I said, I don't hate it. I especially love the colors you use.
I was in a relationship like this when I was 19. It wasn't as far advances as this story, but it was enough for people to tell me that they didn't like the guy, they didn't like who I was when I was with him, that something was off about him, but I couldn't see it until he let his mask slip on me. And just because youcan recognize it Ballenger to someone else doesn't mean that you can recognize when it's happening to you. My sister saw everything that this guy did to me and then she ended up with one herself. Thankfully we're both out of those situations and neither dude can contact us without major consequences but not everyone is that lucky. I'm glad OP took her friends' message to heart and got herself out.
My boyfriend is amazing and we have a great relationship other than he is extremely controlling and puts me down but I don't understand what anyone is seeing wrong with our relationship...
Ok, girl, sure, be with your man, just keep him away from anyone else 🙄 I mean, typing it all out didn't like get her going "huh... so that's why..."????
She sees what they see but doesn't want to acknowledge it. How can she say all these things that "might" be issues and think it's ok...she obviously knows if she's pointing it out. I feel like this post is rage bait.
For someone who was in that and have both ends of your best friend letting you find out or scream it at you it's better in two different ways in the different situations at first its better to let us find out in the end because we definitely don't hear you but I definitely appreciated my best friend being there for me
My ex is this bad. Don’t have kids with him. I’m in hell bc we have a child together. It’s been 11 years and he’s still doing it. Calls police on me for no reason.
i thought her friends should have been more explicit, but i understand if they tried before and she wasn’t receptive to it. she needs to make sure her location is no longer shared on her phone and bring back up to get her things. i hope she’s safe ❤️
I’m always the friend who is willing to be yelled at for the sake of getting them out. Although I don’t suggest my approach unless you’re really willing to stick out the hurricane. I have been the last friend standing more than once in the isolation storm it’s a fucked up place to be
You are a person, not a possession! A relationship is a mutual agreement not a contract of ownership. I hope OP finds a safe way out of this relationship and doesn't end up with a psycho stalker!
He sounds like your typical narcissistic abuser with that list. He’s already trying to isolate her from her friends and that’s probably why they’re afraid to just come out and say what they’re thinking. They use any of the nice, love bombing things against their victims later to excuse any bad behavior.
This the most unbelievably naive poster I have ever read/heard. Nobody could possibly lay out all this controlling behavior, step-by-step, and not see the truth as they type it out...
![[Full Story] My Ex & Ex-Best Friend Invited Me to Their Wedding… After Betraying Me!](http://i.ytimg.com/vi/7_sI-TKHInM/mqdefault.jpg)
I was in a marriage with someone who was working up to this level of controlling, and I'm sure worse. I asked my friends when they confessed to the things they didn't like before we'd married why they didn't speek up sooner and they said they'd wanted too but they knew I'd only make excuses for him, sadly they were right. It took him mistreating my puppy (that he'd got for me) to make me see him for who he really was. Fortunately, I have zero tolerance for mistreating animals. My sweet Hades baby turns 3 tomorrow 😊
I was married to this as well, however, it escalated to physical, mental and emotional abuse, he had everyone thinking he was a great guy even if they saw him abusing me in front of them.
@shadowkissed2370 I'm so sorry, you went through that. I hope you're safe now.
@@SmallTownAngel86 Yeah, I eventually managed to get out. What really shocked me was that strangers online were the ones who stepped up to help, while people I had called friends and family for years refused to believe me. It was pretty surprising how willing complete strangers were to offer support without hesitation.
@@RayneZaleskawild how strangers online can make all the difference!
Her friends handled this so well. I have seen, so many times, friends being direct resulting in separation of their friendship instead of the toxic dangerous relationship.
I can see why the friends were so apprehensive about giving specific examples.
1) In that situation they're battling against a manipulator and all they have to fight with is the truth while he has lots of tools he uses specifically to obscure or manipulate the truth. The more information you give a manipulator, the more they have to use against you.
2) Its understandable they'd want to be really delicate about the situation to not make it a confrontation that could've put her in a position to feel a need to defend/justify him and his actions; they could've ended up inadvertently helping to reinforce his ideas of "love" in her.
He is trying to isolate her!! So many red flags that they can’t be counted!!! Run, girl!
As a survivor of DV I can empathize with this op and can fully support the friend’s actions
I have been the friend that tried to help. They won't leave until they're ready. I tried several times. I finally gave up and I told her I only wanted to be her friend, but I didn't want to hear anything about her partner. She was with him off and on for too many years. Now, out of that abusive relationship, thankfully.
Everyone who says "you need to quit your job" even tho you stated that you like your job - girl, run 🤣 it's controling freak 101, like, how can you not see this bs?
Omg I started screaming when Dusty read that part! Glad OP saw him for what he was before she left her job, and that she's getting out
As someone who has been in a abusive relationship and someone who tried to help a friend get out of a abusive relationship I can see both sides. No one helped me when I was in my marriage being abused. No one was there for me at all, even if they saw him abuse me in front of them. I couldn't ask for help for my own safety but if someone had offered it I would have been able to get out sooner. On the other hand I stepped up for a friend and I was burned from it. I was ostracized from our friend group when she went back to her husband. I was blamed for it all, called jealous among other things when all I wanted to do was help her when no one would help me. She was my best friend and one of the people who turned a blind eye to the abuse I went through. So, I know the pain of no one caring enough to help and being hurt for carting enough to help.
Oh no. The friends are probably scared to explain the problem because they think she will ignore them. And oh good lord is there a problem.
Ignore them or allow him to isolate her because he doesn’t like them speaking up for her.
You have no idea how important this information is. This could save hundreds of lives. Please post this as a PSA or just in as many places as you can please. This is essentially a playbook for early removal of victims from abusive partners. This is OMG This information is gold.
I agree with what Candy said about OP needing to see it on her own. One of my younger sisters was in a relationship like this for a loooong time; they were engaged and trying to plan the wedding. We didn't want to tell her flat out we didn't like him/that he was controlling because we were scared she would think we were telling her what to do and elope or something. When we talked to her about this later (like, a few days ago; she's been broken up with him for years) she asked, "Why didn't you tell me?" and we gave her our reasoning. So I can see why OP's friends were trying to be careful.
She wouldn't have listened. I'm so glad she's ok now.
OP really scared me when she said she confronted him on her own. If you are in OP's situation, and you need to talk to your abuser for some reason, talk to them over the phone, in public, and/or with someone who can protect you near by.
Yes. Friends on standby outside.
She doesn't think he's abusing her.
Someone has never seen Fatal Atraction. Glad she decided to leave.
this was my marriage for 24 years, and I lost many of my friends who spoke up for/to me. I waited until the kids were adults before I left because I didn’t want him to hurt them, and my kids were very affected by what we went through as a family. It’s better to get out sooner than later. So if you start to see these signs, or your friends are saying things like this, get out. It’s not worth staying.
Also, not having a healthy idea of what love looks like is a bigger danger for the victims. Someone who grew up in an abusive controlling household is more likely to confuse these actions with love since that's what they were told was love since they were born. It affects some of us so deeply that we almost seek out relationships like this because this is "normal" and healthy relationships always seem like a trap. 😢
Yeah that’s red flags central. He’s seeing how far he can violate her boundaries. Been there done that. I mean typing that out should be a wake up call. You really don’t see it sometimes until you’re the outside of it. Trauma bond is a thing.
Also, abusers often have this technique of "love bombing", when at first they're the most attentive, romantic and dotting bf, but gradually they cut you from friends and family and establish control, so that when they get a abusive their victim is confused, has no one to go to and starts blaming herself since surely, if he was good before, then it's my fault he's not anymore. By the time, victim realize their reality, they are already trapped in circle of abuse->love bombing->victim blaming->forgivness->stabbls couple of days when victim tries to be good->abuse and it's really hard to get out of it and not consider it be your new normal...
My ex best friend was in a toxic and controlling relationship and our friendship shattered over it. I refused to have anything to do with the toxic person and she managed to turn my friend into a toxic person to me as well. And oftentimes telling the person outright that they're in a toxic and abusive relationship will just turn them away from you further or result in their partner convincing them to cut you off. So the friends made the best decision they could in their position. They could stay within her support network by hinting at her to think more about her relationship without actually calling it out.
She did eventually reach her breaking point and get out, but our relationship will never be repaired after everything she said to me during that time. She never learned how to take accountability for her own actions and I just can't be involved anymore.
Been in that position, dont see it coming and messes you up.
I had a controlling ex. I saw the red flags but felt lost in my life to do anything about it. Thankfully it only took me a couple of months to walk away. My favorite part was when I told him he was controlling he told me, “no, when I was younger I was but not now.” I wanted to laugh because a leopard does not change their spots.
How is OP nit seeing the red flags as she types this out...
She's very young still, and we don't know what kind of love she saw as a child.
Oof I was so confused at the beginning by the friends actions. But after hearing what the boyfriend did I was like “yea that’s abuse.” I hope OP is ok and has gotten a restraining order against the boyfriend. He is not stable.
Thank you so much for your take and advice on this story! My family is currently dealing w an issue regarding 1 kid, and your advice & comments apply perfectly to what is happening! It rly helped me realize how to best handle the situation.
I'm glad to help! Thanks for watching!
As someone who has been in a controlling and abusive relationship, RUN!!! GET OUT NOW!!!!
He throw out her clothes??? Why she didn't start with it??? What kinda person would think it was normal bf behaviour????
The thing Candy said about “love bombing” in the beginning til you fall hard and look past things is exactly the truth of it.
At first, I thought they might be overstepping or jealous. Two minutes in ooooohhhh I see the problem.
Public education needs to include dynamics of healthy and unhealthy relationships.
It really should!
I went through something like this, although it was with my mom. She's an alcoholic, & we had a very unhealthy, codependent relationship. My sister was already estranged from her (she was the scapegoat), & she pointed out the unhealthy dynamics for a while. I listened, but I made excuse after excuse for our mom. I just wasn't ready to cut the cord. I couldn't accept that it was the healthiest & best choice for myself. I eventually went NC with my mom for two years until she got treatment & quit drinking, & it was the best thing I could've done for myself. But I had to come to that conclusion on my own.
Can we all agree Dusty is so handsome and him and his wife just look so damn cute together❤
Situations like this make me think of a quote from bojack horseman, when you're looking at red flags through rose colored glasses, they just look like flags.She needed to get out yesterday
Love Bojack Horseman!
Hey there! What do you guys think of the new thumbnail style?
I like it!
I love it! 😊
I prefer the previous version. I feel like it was much neater. I don't hate this newer style, don't get me wrong. Just something about it I don't like. Maybe the framed box you put the text in. Doesn't look so neat and tidy. Idk. I used to do graphic design as a hobby (and to make a bit of cash) so something is off but I can't put my finger on it. But like I said, I don't hate it. I especially love the colors you use.
(imagine Jim Carrey) " I like it A lot" 😂😂😂❤
I like it. It's the new year; new change!
Dusty and Candy really are just too cute together! Love watching your videos and seeing your live streams when possible. Yall are great! ❤
I'm trying to get out of a similar situation.
Dr. Ramani has some great TH-cam videos about this subject that are informative and helpful.
Wish you the absolute best!
I was in a relationship like this when I was 19. It wasn't as far advances as this story, but it was enough for people to tell me that they didn't like the guy, they didn't like who I was when I was with him, that something was off about him, but I couldn't see it until he let his mask slip on me. And just because youcan recognize it Ballenger to someone else doesn't mean that you can recognize when it's happening to you. My sister saw everything that this guy did to me and then she ended up with one herself. Thankfully we're both out of those situations and neither dude can contact us without major consequences but not everyone is that lucky. I'm glad OP took her friends' message to heart and got herself out.
OP needs to run. Red flags galore. Her friends should have told her why though instead of just saying to leave.
She already knows ...GET OUT!!!!
The red flags aren't a big deal until they are!
My boyfriend is amazing and we have a great relationship other than he is extremely controlling and puts me down but I don't understand what anyone is seeing wrong with our relationship...
The friends need to help her join the dots.Being cryptic doesn't help as she either can't or won't do this for herself. 😢
Run Op, run!
Ok, girl, sure, be with your man, just keep him away from anyone else 🙄
I mean, typing it all out didn't like get her going "huh... so that's why..."????
She sees what they see but doesn't want to acknowledge it. How can she say all these things that "might" be issues and think it's ok...she obviously knows if she's pointing it out. I feel like this post is rage bait.
13:35 totally agree!
Op is in denial she needs to trust her friends and leave the person
For someone who was in that and have both ends of your best friend letting you find out or scream it at you it's better in two different ways in the different situations at first its better to let us find out in the end because we definitely don't hear you but I definitely appreciated my best friend being there for me
I love Dustys red flag!😊
Thank you! Happy New Years!
My ex is this bad. Don’t have kids with him. I’m in hell bc we have a child together. It’s been 11 years and he’s still doing it. Calls police on me for no reason.
That sounds horrible!
My sister-in-law clears her throat constantly even when she is 100%. Can't stand it lol.
OMG! We should put this guy in the dictionary next to narcissist because he fits the description so perfectly.
Ong even I would shout RUN now.
i thought her friends should have been more explicit, but i understand if they tried before and she wasn’t receptive to it. she needs to make sure her location is no longer shared on her phone and bring back up to get her things. i hope she’s safe ❤️
Op saying "I don't know what they are saying..." op also telling everyone how controlling her boyfriend is.... 🤦♀️🤦♀️🤦♀️🤦♀️🤦♀️🤦♀️🤦♀️🤦♀️
I think you need to make a new emoji called "Thunderstruck" 😊
I love it!
I’m always the friend who is willing to be yelled at for the sake of getting them out. Although I don’t suggest my approach unless you’re really willing to stick out the hurricane. I have been the last friend standing more than once in the isolation storm it’s a fucked up place to be
Girl is blind if she doesn't see it
You are a person, not a possession! A relationship is a mutual agreement not a contract of ownership. I hope OP finds a safe way out of this relationship and doesn't end up with a psycho stalker!
2:30 abd Im already begging OP to leave. 😱
He sounds like your typical narcissistic abuser with that list. He’s already trying to isolate her from her friends and that’s probably why they’re afraid to just come out and say what they’re thinking. They use any of the nice, love bombing things against their victims later to excuse any bad behavior.
Controlling narcissist. Run woman run fast and far
Is OP blind!? this guy is a nightmare that will only get worse
❤️
This the most unbelievably naive poster I have ever read/heard. Nobody could possibly lay out all this controlling behavior, step-by-step, and not see the truth as they type it out...
Wait... It was posted less than hour ago, but there's comments from 7 days ago??
The older comments are probably from members that watched it live before it was uploaded it here
Members have early access to videos as soon as they're done being edited, so that's why some comments are from before the video was officially posted!