I think OP in the credit card story would still be NTA without the backstory. Calling the police on a parent who has stolen money from you is maybe a harsh course of action, but not a wrong one.
As someone with a nurse as a mom and who has worked in medical research, I have to disagree with you a little bit on the 2nd one. 1. Allergies aren't always genetic; my mom is allergic to cats, but I have 3 cats, no problem, and my fraternal twin sister has dealt with many food allergies or sensitivities while I have no dietary restrictions. 2. A headache and constipation aren't an allergic reaction, they're side effects; the reason doctors ask you if you're allergic to certain drugs is because they want to avoid anaphylactic shock. While mom may have had good intentions, OP is right in that they've been lying to healthcare workers and placing a bit of a burden on them needlessly for years. The better way the mom could've handled it would've been asking "I dealt with these negative side effects with these drugs; how likely are my children going to experience that, and could that become an allergy?"
Yes, ENVIRONMENTAL allergies are not genetic & are related to lack of allergen exposure (cats, hay, dust mites, etc) within the first 6 months of life. However, DRUG intolerance/allergies ARE genetically based as the mutations that cause poor/excessive metabolism/effectiveness & toxicity is passed on from parents. Someday, maybe newborns will be tested for drug metabolism (see pharmacogenetics) since many patients will go through decades of drug trials, many causing potentially life threatening or traumatic events, with medical providers gaslighting their "rarely reported" side effects as drug seeking, hypochondriatic (even if that label is no longer supported), &/or overdramatic/manipulative, especially if the patient is a woman &/or POC!
I just don't think your comment is accurate. I have mentioned that my mom is allergic to a specific drug many times in my life, despite not knowing if I'm allergic to it myself, and the doctors were receptive to that information. Had I absolutely needed those drugs (if there hadn't been a workaround) we would have tested, but just knowing there was a risk and avoiding it within reason was enough. There are examples of allergic reactions in this video - nausea, headaches, fainting, and the such are definitely "allergic" reactions to drugs. Anaphylactic shock and being very sick for a few days are just different allergic reactions and we're not really comparing them here. (If I may add a detail to what I mean - I feel like the reaction exhibited here and by the OP is quite strong for something so innocent. Communication with both the mom and doctors is going well. It's okay to ask questions, be confused, misuse vocabulary, be overly careful with your doctor. Maybe it's because I live in a different country with a different system, but my experience has been completely welcomed by medical professionals. In fact, I have many times been encouraged to be very precise even if I'm not sure what things mean, so they can figure it out themselves with their expertise.)
So I agree with you, my mom and my son both have a mild Penicillin allergy but I don’t. Everyone isn’t going to immediately have the same reaction so while it is good to let your health care provider know there is a potential higher risk depending on the situation genetics may or may not be a factor. Withholding accurate information from the health care providers makes things so much harder. Just letting them know you had an allergy and there might be a potential allergy for your kid would have been so much better. Then they could have taken it into account and figured out if it was warranted or if extra precautions were needed if they did require the drug until they knew how she reacted.
I would also add that we don’t have endless alternatives of antibiotics. When people say they have an allergy, it can often mean they will be getting a less effective antibiotic for their type of bacterial infection. Less effective treatments can lead to incomplete treatment (recurrence of the infection) but now only the bacteria with antibiotic resistance. It’s worse for our patients and worse for the future.
@@undefinederror40404 *An* answer doesn't mean the whole truthful answer. There are obviously some things that are not appropriate for a young child to be told. But children are curious by nature. Once a question is in their mind, if you don't provide some kind of answer, it will bother at them and not go away. They will ask other people. They will try to find out by themselves. At the very least, they will constantly pester you. There are always ways to find a child-friendly version of the truth that you can tell them. And provide them with some kind of answer so that they know that you are taking them seriously.
Maybe a summarized version of the events if some aspects are not age appropriate. (For example if one partner had an affair, then some censoring might be needed)
I don’t understand why there should be a difference between credit card fraud by a stranger (which you clearly would report to the police) and credit card fraud by a family member. 🤷♀️
I'm betting that is cus either ppl believe you should trust your family more to pay it back (but like they still stole it so idk how much I'd trust their word), or to try and keep the peace and not make things awkward (but tbh that's really on them for committing a crime). So both not great reasons but since when do people think logically.
Yeah I certainly think it's fine she called the police. Good for her!! She was very clear to the mom. Borrowing money was a no. It's even more of a betrayal from family🤷
THIS!!! It is WILD to me how prevalent this attitude seems to be, like my parents have never asked for a DIME from me. Once I had gotten a job in my teens they might insist I pay for things that I *wanted* that were outside the bounds of necessity but never ever ever treated my money like their money. I can't imagine what it's like growing up in a household where this type of disrespect is normalized. Also.. isn't the adage "never loan Money if you can't afford to not get it back" I live by that and it has served me well (in that, sometimes I do get it back and sometimes I don't but it never screws with my ability to be financially stable) Also also, if my mom asked me for 500$ I would just.. give it to her, so I think OPs reluctance speaks to either 1. Her not having extra to spare or 2. The state of her relationship with mom .. or heck maybe both.. Oof
I disagree with the sulphur drugs one. 1. From what we were told even the mother doesn't know if she herself is allergic. Allergy against those medicine is mostly skin and rash related, bowel disfunction is a sideeffect (not only from sulphur drugs, but many, many antibiotics). Sure, the mother should avoid medicine that causes her sideeffects, but she shows that she neither understood what happened to her nor did she really talk to any health provider. Like... what did her doctor say about the sideeffects? Did she talk to them about her children, too? Or did she just demonise the medicine and because mother knows best? 2. My mother is lightly allergic against penicillin and she made sure that on my info penicillin allergy was added, too. I am not allergic at all, I was tested, but since it was in my data, it made getting antibiotics for my tooth pain extremely difficult, because many bone penetrating antibiotics are based on penicillin. So getting adequate healthcare was a hassle for me, while I was in one of the worst pains in my life. And from that perspective, I cannot really take what the mother said as something it was for the wellbeing of her child, but instead as something inherently distrustful of medicine as a whole.
Your point is right, still for me there is not enough information about the mother to judge her. Maybe she really didn't understand and it really was not with second thoughts. I believed a lot of things to be true and only found out years later, that child me got it wrong. But my parents would not go and rendomly correct my childhood assumptions. Because they often even didn't know that I remembered it in a quite different way.
I still don't think the mother was not that much of an AH because not everyone is that knowledgeable about medicine and this seems like a fair mistake to be made
For the sulfa drugs, I do not agree with your verdict. Sulfa drugs are not a "brand" of drugs - it is a type of antibiotics. For some infections (especially some bacteria, with resistance to other common antibiotics), there is not a good alternative to sulfa drugs, if you don't want to use a really "potent" type of antibiotic. Why does this matter? Because those "potent" antibiotics should ONLY be used when no other options are possible , as the use of them promote development of more multi-resistent bacteria in the world. So yes, it is a VERY bad thing to lie about - Mom was putting her child at risk, and potentially contributing to antibiotic-resistance.
Totally agree. I’m also kind of horrified that her mum would lie about a medical condition like that. It’s a terrible thing to do to a child, moreso to let her continue believing the lie as an adult, and I don’t get how anyone could be so flippant about it.
I’m also wondering why the mom never brought this up with a doctor over the course of the kids’ childhood. Surely at some point she took the kids to the doctor for whatever reason. That would have been a good opportunity to verify with a medical professional whether there would’ve been an issue.
I've honestly never gasped in disbelief before at a verdict until this one. Medical neglect is no joke. If OP was given less effective drugs and thus sustained permanent damage because their illness was not treated effectively, this could leave OP with permanent damage. And all because the mom had some bad bowel movements one time. I can't even. That mom is something else.
Absolutely, and I understand that maybe the mom could have had bad side effects from it but the symptoms she listed are KNOWN AND COMMON side effects from most antibiotics, and are definitely not an allergy. It would have been so much more beneficial for the mom to have told the doctors that she had bad side effects from sulfa drugs, because then they could have taken that into account, without having to disregard that type of medication completely. In my world, as someone who has been on many many different medications in my life for various medical issues, drug side effects like a headache and constipation (even if they are bad) are much preferable to getting very sick from a preventable infection :///
This is exactly why many health care providers ask followup questions when discussing potential drug allergies. There's one drug in my chart under allergies that causes me significant side effects (sedation, vomiting, headaches), but not an allergic reaction. There's another drug I've had an allergic reaction to once (throat closed up, couldn't swallow, skin began itching). I haven't taken it again since then, as allergic reactions to drugs (or food) typically get worse each time.
With the 6 year old, I think (in a typically normative scenario) the moment a child is old enough to ask questions, they are old enough to be given answers. It doesn't need to be the whole story, but they should should be told something.
Re 6yo with questions: I taught sex ed for 6 years, if a kid is old enough to ask the question, they are old enough for an (age appropriate) answer. Most confusion about relationships comes from being dismissed/told a falsehood/told is doesn't matter. Kids will keep asking and if you don't answer, someone else will and they may get misinformation.
Agreed, if I get an opportunity to give an age appropriate answer I will, because someone else might fumble that up. Better for them to know things so they can better understand when to alert an adult to something going on.
Yep! When I was a kid I asked my parents what [some crude words I'd heard on TV] meant, and they just told me not to say it because they're grownup words I don't need to know yet. I was tempted to anyway, but even back then I wanted to know what things mean so I know I could get the use right. Then I found out from my friends what the swears were talking about... I was seriously grossed out. If I'd just KNOWN, I would never have brought the subject up ever again.
Oops. You mean, "the Easter Bunny says keep a nickel between your legs while you're kissing a boy" doesn't cut it? (Ann Landers actually gave that advice in the early 1970's. My 12-year-old self didn't believe in Ann Landers after that. Problem solved.)
From the sound of it the mother didn't have an allergic reaction, she had common side effects from antibiotics. My mother is allergic to penicillin and related antibiotics, she has ended in intensive care for weeks when given them. It means she often has to take different antibiotics that are less effective over longer periods of time or stronger antibiotics that can have more severe side effects or are more expensive. It's really important to know your allergies. OP does need to make sure she has a conversation with her mother to make sure she has an accurate medical history.
I have a penicillin allergy also, but there degrees to allergies and there are also people who have degrees of intolerances. Not everyone with an allergy will end up in the hospital, though you ofcourse could- but that isn’t the qualifying factor weither you have or have not an allergy. Problems with you intestines can absolutely be symptoom a of allergies or intolerances , just like rashes are, but also swelling of tongue or throat , etc … and any mixture of theses things. To say that someone doesn’t have an allergy without ever meeting them, seeing their medical files and being a doctor… is quite audacious to me
also with allergies it is very common that the more you are subjected to it, the stronger you allergy becomes and that you then will intact end up in hospital (happened with an other allergy of mine, a type of painkiller) so, if you show symptoms and there are adequate alternatives and you can be tested … it would be wise to avoid that stuff , just so you don’t get it worse
@dr.Einstein_von_Brainstorm but OP didn't say the mother definitely didn't have a reaction, they said "from the sound of it". The mother didn't actually say she had an allergy either, only a bad reaction. Whilst very specific allergies can result in a range of gastro symptoms (like gluten in coeliac disease), typically an allergy would specifically lead to diarrhea and vomiting and one would also expect to see breathing difficulties, itching, a rash, swelling. The mother describes none of these symptoms. Her issues sound more like a medication side effect, which whilst important, is not the same thing as an allergy.
My parents divorced when I was a very small child, and I was that little girl whose mother wouldn't say much while her father said everything he could. My mother was taking the moral high ground, because she didn't want my relationship with my father to be impacted by how their marriage had ended. Instead, my father used my mother's dignity to try to drive a wedge between she and I. At that young age, I wasn't ready to hear the details, but looking back I think I should have been told, at least, that my father's actions had been the reason for the divorce.
Divorce one: dad is the a$$h@le. Not just driving a wedge between child and mum but child and baby. If he had a new relationship months after OP's breakup, why I'd the baby (5 years later) the reason the parents can't get back together? I doubt the dad wants to reunite with OP, so he's just being a jerk.
Dealing with this right now and trying to walk the line between not saying anything bad about the other parent and not shutting out my kid. There's at least a guideline if not actual law, depending on the state, prohibiting parents from "denigrating" each other, aka telling the child anything negative that might impact the relationship. It's not often enforced unfortunately, but I've definitely run up against it and so far I've been basically telling her that "I can't answer that question because the court says I can't. I suggest you talk to (another family member or trusted adult) about this because I'm not allowed to." It's definitely infuriating when the other parent is doing the opposite and telling all sorts of lies to your child. All I want is to tell her the truth but I know that will just make it worse.
@@aprildawnsunshine4326 I'm a single dad, and my ex left when our kids were 4mo old. Things ended because she was emotionally/mentally abusive and cheated and I needed to protect my kids from that sort of house. She died when they were 2 (unknown circumstances, but she was an addict, so i chalk it up to choices catching up), but the most they ever knew was "mom was sick" because that's all they needed to know. they are 11 now and i've given them more context, let them know some more details about the abuse and addiction. I was "fortunate" enough that her side of the family hasn't had contact with the kids, but I'm not sure how i would have reacted if someone else had told them "the other side" especially since my ex never saw her actions as being wrong and the family fed into it (her mom was also manipulative and cheated). If possible, I would suggest getting in touch with a counselor or someone that could mediate and you and your ex sit down and figure out a version of the story that represents the truth that you both agree on. avoid anything that points blame even though it sounds like there is definitely someone at fault in your situation. Also, if there isn't something written in a court order signed by the judge, you can talk to your kids about things from your side, or answer the questions they ask. Something else to keep in mind is eventually your child will grow up and remember that you tried not to say anything negative about their dad, but he had no issue dragging you, and they will also see how he treats other people and talks about the things "they did to him" and sort things out. Love your kid and do everything to be there for them cause ultimately that's what matters.
@@aprildawnsunshine4326 it is a tricky line. Idk about laws. But you don't have to be neutral. You can say "dad did something that made it impossible for us to be together and happy." Idk about such laws. Do you think you're ex would pursue the law and courts if you told your baby the truth? I guess it also depends, do you think the deed the husband did or didn't do makes them a bad parent? Like without the marriage failing, would they still be a good parent but bad romantic partner? Is your ex saying crude stuff about you, that would automatically show that they are a bad parent. If you aren't harmful to your child and they still make lies, then that is a selfish move and not at the best interest of the child. You should learn more about the laws and see what you can and can't say. Get a lawyer if you can. I just hope that it works out in a way where your kid doesn't get a rough upbringing.
I disagree with you on the allergy one. I think OP is NTA and mom is. Constipation and headaches can be side effects of any antibiotic and/or the reason mom needed the antibiotic in the first place. As someone who is allergic to sulfa drugs, I've had times when I've had to wait longer to get a non-sulfa option and/or the non-sulfa was more expensive. Also, bacteria can be resistant to certain antibiotics, and limiting the ones you can take can add unneeded complexity. There are also several drugs related to sulfa antibiotics that aren't an option for someone with a sulfa allergy.
As someone with actual allergies - shellfish and lidocane (which apparently come from a related protein) - I'm angry on second OP's behalf. Sulfa antibiotics are an entirely common class of drugs, and it's wild to hold them back from two healthy children for no reason besides vague stomach symptoms in a parent. I'm guessing OP is from the States, as this kind of medical neglect is usually only allowed to fly here for "religious reasons", and tends to come from anti-vaccination families. Yes, she's entitled to be upset for being lied to and missing access to proper healthcare. And I can only imagine how stressful it would be to discover this during pregnancy.
I have an allergy to ibuprofen and for me the allergy one made me angry. Most people assume there's viable alternatives, but there have been several times when I've had to get some really unusual medical interventions because of the allergy. If I found out the allergy was made up I'd be pissed!
I am 19 entire years old and the divorce is still treated as something to discuss when I'm older I mean, it's clear they're far from compatible, but there's always this Unspeakable Evil that happened that I'll be told "when I'm older" From that perspective, hearing that kid was 6 was a shock lol
about the medical mother: I would be pissed about something like that as well and thought a little about why that is... I think it's 1. just being lied to about something kinda unimportant - how about the important stuff? 2. being lied to about medical stuff generally feels like a bad idea, because you never know how it might affect another person in a specific situation - and raises some red flags about quacky stuff, tbh 3. there's an easy way around it; just say what the commenters mother said ("I had an allergic reaction (or in this case: bad side effects) and I am worried it might be the same for my child") and there is no harm done, doctors can react acordingly and maybe test if there is a need so it seems just wrong and needless to lie about it, I guess.
The mom only has herself to blame in the case of the divorce and being seen as the villian. They've been divorced for 5 years meaning that the daughter was one when they split so bringing up that he was in a relationship when she was 1 vs you being in a long term relationship when she's 4 to 6 and much more aware are not the same thing. Also the fact that she's given ZERO details in the story as to the reason and she wants desperately for her daughter not to know leads me to believe that she's not innocent in the split. The fact that she won't even sit down the with daughter and make it clear that there is zero chance of mom and dad getting back together is the reason that her relationship with potential step dad is suffering.
with the parents having differing opinions on what should be communicated about their separation, I have to say I don't understand why people feel the need to withhold things from their kids as long as it's put in an age appropriate context. Growing up, i absolutely hated hearing, "Because I said so." or "I'll tell you when you're older." as it only served to make me anxious about situations being left in the dark or I simply didn't understand why things had to be the way they were. I can't tell you how many times I heard "Because I said so." when I asked why I couldn't do something and my tiny child mind went, "That's not a reason so I'm going to do the thing when no one's looking." I also asked at a very young age why my parents had divorced and appreciated that both of my parents were able to tell me that they just couldn't get along anymore. That they stopped loving one another and that it was never my fault. (The truth of it was far more complicated, but those were terms I could understand and accept.) There were no unrealistic expectations that my parents would get back together and it was easier for me to accept the partners of both of my parents when each moved on. When I became a parent, I was very conscious to openly communicate with my children. If they ask questions, they get age appropriate answers to allow them to understand what's going on in the world around them. If I correct a behavior, I explain why the behavior is being corrected. "This is dangerous. You could get hurt and I'd like to keep you safe." for example. I've fostered open and honest communication from the time verbal communication was possible. They've grown into well adjusted and well behaved teenagers because they understand that when I tell them something, there's a reason for it and they can ask that reason and get an honest answer. When they're in trouble, I'm safe to talk to and I'll help them. They also know that if they're honest when they make mistakes, the consequences are lighter than if they lie or try to hide it. And they know that if they have questions about our family dynamics, they will be told the truth in a measured and easy to understand manner. Good communication and honesty are valuable tools for building good relationships with your kids both when they're small and as they get older. I can't fathom why some people feel like these principals should be disregarded in the name of sheltering their kids from truths, even if those truths aren't always pleasant. As a parent, I like to think that I can own my mistakes and learn from them and use them as teachable moments if my kids ask about them.
I agree with everything you said. This is probably off topic but I wanted to say that I felt really safe and good while reading your comment. My parents were/are severely abusive and sometimes I forget that there are kind, mature, emotionally intelligent and loving parents like you, and reading your comment reminded me that there is more outside of my own bubble of hurt and trauma and that there are children out there whose needs are met, physical and emotional. I'm in my late twenties and I've decided that I don't want to have children, but if there was a version of me that decided otherwise, I would hope to be a parent like you are. I'm really glad that I stumbled upon your comment, and you should know that your children are incredibly lucky to have you as their parent. Keep doing what you're doing and I hope you and your family have a great day! 💜
You're the best kind of parent, then. At first, both my parents said they just didn't love each other anymore and it wasn't my fault. But then my mother got a new husband almost immediately while my dad wasn't even really dating. And from there, the story changed. My mother tried pulling the "it was all your dad's fault" card whilst my dad calmly explained that they just couldn't get along anymore. As I got older, he opened up about more details while my mother decided to start insulting and slandering him right in front of me with the help of my stepfather. As a pre-teen, I then found one of her diaries (By accident! She used the same spiral notebooks that I used for school. I was going through them deciding if I wanted to keep each and apparently hers got mixed in with mine somehow) and found out from her own words that my dad was telling the truth the entire time. And even worse, the reasons he cited were even more awful and petty than he had been telling me at that point. Not only that, but just one diary entry revealed that my mother was super fake, her personality a complete facade meant to make people like her because she felt like she didn't deserve to live if she didn't have a man in her life and a ring of devoted friends. I think you can probably guess which parent I still talk to and visit and love and with which one I've gone no-contact with no regrets. Communication is extremely important, but so is honesty. I could tell even as a young kid that divorce wasn't usually one-sided. My birthgiver was never really truthful, and I was never happy with her trying to foist all the blame onto my dad.
Totally agree with you! I grew up with a mom that always told me the truth, even about dark topics and troubling things that not everyone would tell their child, and as a child it didn't even phase me, so I got used to the reality I lived in pretty progressively. Not only did this not traumatize me, but it also helped create a climate of complete trust where I never felt the need to lie about important things. Treating kids as unprepared only makes them less prepared for when they eventually learn the truth, and hinders trust.
100% agree. this is how my parents parented me and actually me and my grandparents have issues whenever im at their house because they're from the "because i said so" generation and i need to be told why. one time my granddad wanted me to close the curtains in the bedroom i sleep in while im visiting. i asked why and he said "because i said so" and this repeated for like 2 minutes until he stomped off downstairs to get my dad to tell me off, upon which my dad told me grandad wanted me to close the curtains to keep the heat in (it was night). and i was just like WHY COULDNT HE HAVE TOLD ME THAT 😭😭😭 like jesus if he'd just explained i'd have closed them in 5 seconds. honestly the most ludicrous situation ive ever been in
I agree with you on the 3rd one, and I like that you shared your personal experience. When you were reading the scenario, I could hear the OB/GYN TH-camr Mama Dr. Jones in my head when talking about sex ed: "If they're old enough to ask, they're old enough to understand."
That last one with the thief druggie mom needs to go no contact with her mom. She'll do it again and next time might take something else of value and even steal any medication she finds. Don't let her in your house. Tell her "You STOLE from me.I said no and you took MY property and STOLE from me. You don't get to do that". Don't put up with that.
The last one blows my mind, my mum doesn’t even like using my card when I’ve asked her to get me a few things from the shop when I’m sick let alone stealing my card 😱
On the 3rd on YTA, I was a child of divorce and one side didn't tell me what was going on while my mom was moving, I felt hurt, in the dark, and like my mom didn't love me. If you don't tell a kid why their parents split I feel like most will feel like they were the reason. The argument of "this is a conversation for adults, not a child" doesn't work because the child is involved in this situation and leaving them in the dark is unfair. If the reason for splitting is a topic not suitable for children (an abusive relationship or cheating and the such) give a child friendly version. (For example if it's an abusive relationship say they were mean to me/didn't treat me kindly) Multiple times OP used wording that blamed their child for being upset which isn't fair because it's a problem OP created, It also didn't sound like Ex husband said anything to ruin OP's image, they did that to themselves by keeping information from their kid.
I feel sorry for the 6-year-old whose mother doesn’t view her as human enough to be given information about the circumstances in her own life (if she is old enough to ASK, she IS old enough to KNOW) and the father who (if OP is not embellishing, since we only have 1 side) does at least view her as worthy of the information but is providing it with secondary motive. My biggest pet peeve in the world is a parent who views their child as a child first and a person second; that is how you get parents like OP who think they are doing the right thing but are just damaging their child in their own arrogance. As for the mother who stole money, throw the book at her. I do not believe in leniency on the basis of family; you do not choose whom you’re born to, so there is nothing special about them over someone you HAVE chosen actively to be in your life. If you would call the cops on an acquaintance for something, you should be willing to call the cops on a relative for the same thing, point blank.
19:20 this pisses me off. My mother told me some things & didn't tell me others, but from her perspective she was being abused There's *no* reason to assume the man here is using abuse tactics *just because he's a man* in my mom's case, she was not using abuse tactics & yes, my dad didn't tell me why they were breaking up. Assuming the woman is always in the right in divorce is a really effed up "benign" sexist argument
I label my boxes and when I want to know what I put in the boxes without digging them out and opening them I have a list made of what is in each box. Those lists are stored on my bookshelf in a binder. So if I need to find something I put away so long ago I just pull out the binder and look at the lists, find the box label, then go find the box (most of my personal storage boxes are in my bedroom. House storage boxes are in places like the closets and laundry room storage area). So for me the worst part of finding something is finding the box in the closets but I always know what's in each box.
I feel the mom made an okay choice for when they were kids, BUT by the time the op and her brother were teenagers, she should have cleared it up that it was a maybe.
People need to stop saying they have an allergy when it is actually an adverse reaction or intolerance. Severe allergies are life threatening and having constipation and a headache, whilst unpleasant, is not the same as not being able to breathe!
Let's not assume that the dad in situation #3 is being manipulative. I am not divorced, but my kids do ask me questions about sticky things, and when they ask I answer to the best of my ability. It wouldn't occur to me to not answer a question and check in with my wife before answering to discuss how to answer. I don't think anyone sucks in that situation. The parents obviously have different boundaries about sharing info and that's caused some friction, but I think everyone is trying to do right by the kid, and that matters a lot.
I was reluctant to judge the dad as well since we don't know what he said to the daughter and especially since both parents have moved on. But definitely think they should've had a conversation about how they would communicate with their kid. Considering the fact that they are divorced and that the questions/answers directly involve OP, it makes more sense to discuss how to answer.
I don’t think we need to assume, because he’s telling his child that mommy’s boyfriend is the reason they’re divorced, even though that isn’t true. Based on that, yeah, op is NTA but she does need to explain to her child a basic why before daddy dearest spews more lies.
@@tabathaalshalhoub1653 oh shoot I must've missed that part. Yeah, that's sketchy and nasty, I'm not a fan of that at all. Thanks for pointing that out!
Gotta love ADHD safe. It’s so safe you don’t even remember where you put it. The ex must not know about this part of ADHD. I have done proper searchers for something just to get frustrated because I couldn’t find it. Later when not looking I found it in a spot I’d already looked. The only thing OP could have done is told him where the safe spot is just in case.
(for the daughter not telling about the divorce one) I just strongly feel like there are ways to elaborate on difficult or mature topics without getting into the gorey details. We dont know what happened between them but like you said you cant stop outside influences from weighing in and I feel like it breaks down the trust after a while when parents push the "until your older" conversation *too* far. Kids are way smarter than people give credit for and are more aware of their surroundings and environment than we think. Like keeping that conversation open so your kid isnt afraid to come to you to ask questions is important.
For the second one, the mom's reaction wasn't even an allergy, it was just a side effect. Everyone reacts to drugs differently, so there was no reason to assume that her kids would be the same. Still, I understand that the mom was coming from a good place, so I agree, NDH. For Shaaba's information, sulfas are a class of drug, not a brand. No big deal, but now you know.
What the credit card mom did was theft. It's clear from the post that there are previous issues between the OP and mom, even if we don't get to know about all of it. OP was in the right to protect herself (because now mom will think twice before doing such a thing again). At first I thought you were being too easy on the mom, but I'm glad you came around to the realization that all the problems were coming from her.
I liked the change to "drama" but i feel it has become a bit too literal. In the allergy story nothing particularly dramatic happened, but OP is asking if they're in the right to feel annoyed. NDH doesn't do anything to address that. And in the credit card story, going to the police may be "dramatic", but their mom broke the law and stole from them. Maybe in an ideal world they could resolve things outside of the criminal justice system, but OP is still the victim. Are we really going to say they are wrong to report it and take steps to prevent it from happening again?
This is true. Am I the drama doesn't really have the same meaning. It would make more sense for it to be "Am I the one in the wrong?" or "am I being unreasonable?"
@@Louisyed I have seen it written as "am I being unreasonable". I think drama is unique and good branding for the podcast, but it's important to remember that we're trying to identify who is acting inappropriately and not who is the most dramatic.
idk I feel there's a difference between doing something dramatic (calling the police) and being THE drama (ie, calling the police without good reason). You can replace dramatic and drama with AH-ish and AH in my previous statement, and it still stands. Not always the drama for doing something dramatic, not always the AH for doing something AH-ish.
@@blaireshoe8738 yeah, and I agree. I just felt like the video was failing to make that distinction. The verdict for the allergy story was NDH specifically because nothing dramatic happened, not because both people were in the right.
@@alex_blue5802i get what you mean but from what Shaaba meant it felt more in line with how the sub worked, “no one here had bad intentions in this story so they weren’t in the wrong. It was just poor medical communication.”
Just a little food for thought! You tend to talk about whether or not people have the right to feel some type of way about something. I think that, given your approach is very empathetic otherwise, you are not communicating what you're hoping to communicate with this language. People may have any feeling about anything at any time. All emotional responses come from a place in the brain and body. So I think that the question of if the emotion is justified is inherently a little shaming and invalidating. I do think that asking if an emotional response is reasonable, gets us closer to an empathetic space. If I stub my toe and get so angry that I punch my fist through the wall, that emotion came from somewhere in my brain and body and was a real thing that I felt, but my reaction to having the emotion was very unreasonable. This shift centers the reaction instead of something deep or inherent within the human. I don't know, maybe this is just an issue of semantics, but I figured I'd throw it out there..
I made a big stink when you started saying drama instead of A hole but I've since come around on it and would like to apologize for caring. My brain doesnt work right and I am very embarassed that I even cared enough to comment on it. I just needed to get that out, even if no one remembers or cares. Wishing you the best, love your insight. ❤
As a medical student, it’s super common for patients to not understand the difference between medication side effects vs allergies, so I wouldn’t be surprised if the mom genuinely didn’t know any better. It’s unfortunate though bc having an allergy to sulfa drugs eliminates a lot of first-line meds that are commonly used for many conditions/situations, so it’s very possible that OP has at some point unnecessarily received suboptimal treatment
11:01 OH my god absolutely TA, I have had this happen (not with allergies) but I have an issue, go to the doctor to figure it out, then after everything my mom is like "Oh yeah there was this thing when I was younger...." and it's always very frustrating. Especially since my mother had a baby pretty young so with things that involve hormones or puberty she can't give a timeline of when something will stop happening. Super annoying and wastes everyone's time and money, OP is right to be upset over something as serious as an allergy
About the allergy one. What OP's mum is describing is not allegry symptoms, but most likely either an intolerance OR very normal and common side effects. If you look at the info of any drug, it almost always lists headaches and constipation as some of the most common side effects. Mum should have told OP's doctor(when she was little and needed antibiotics) about her own experience and her concerns and the doctor would have told her this info. But because she listed it as an allergy, there was a whole category of meds that OP couldn't take, eventhough she could have needed them which could have potentially been very dangerous.
I think if a child is old enough to ask a question, they are old enough to get some kind of an answer. It doesn't have to include every detail, and parts can be simplified for a simpler understanding of the world. If the parent doesn't want to talk about it for emotional reasons, they should be honest about that at the very least. Telling them "you're not old enough" will sound more and more like an excuse and the child will look elsewhere for answers.
i disagree on the second one, yes the mom was trying to protect her kids but she didn't have to lie to them to do that, she could've told them, "i don't want you taking sulfa drugs because i had a negative reaction" there was no reason to lie, and i honestly hate the narrative that lying to kids because you don't think they'll understand the truth is "protecting them" and I would be mad too if i learned something i thought was true my whole life turned out to be a lie even if it wasn't a huge lie
So many of these stories involve adults telling their parents/families about interpersonal struggles and then the parents/family jump in on the situation texting or calling the partner/ex if their adult family member - am I the only one who finds this weird? I would be so angry and mortified if I told my mom or brother or friend something bothering me and they called up my partner!! I doubt I’d ever tell them anything again.
imo, op #2 is being ridculous. From a medical pov, if there is a SLIGHTEST chance you could be allergic to something, you avoid it. Fyi, sulfa drugs are antibiotics with added sulfur, which leaves plenty of viable antibiotics for the doc to chose from. op #3-- when my son asked me the "why'd you break up" question, I just said "we couldn't get along and we loved you too much to want you grow up with us fighting all of the time." Easy to understand, truthful and age appropriate.
For #2, the mom had unpleasant side effects, not an allergic reaction. Constipation isn't fun (I have ibs. I know.) But telling your child they have a full blown allergy because you have side effects that aren't fun isn't okay.
@@cexilady3333 some side effects can be initially benign but intensify over time. Constipation could signify an intolerance that increases every time. EG, I'm allergic to mangos. 1st time, it caused a slight tinglingling on my tongue. 3rd time, I had a horrible rash all over my face and my tongue and throat swelled. There's no reason to chance it
@@traciechakraborty3829allergies and intolerance aren't the same thing. Allergies can get worse over time and are important to know because they can be life-threatening. But they also have very specific symptoms (like the ones you describe) which do not match what the mother described. Intolerances can be very uncomfortable sure, but they don't necessarily get worse and they are not life-threatening. What mother describes does not fit with the symptoms of an allergy so there is no reason to think that that's what it was. Nor does it seem like she checked that with a medical professional. Nor would her child necessarily have the same reaction. Yes allergies should be taken seriously, but this is very different.
For the sulfa drugs, I agree NDH. However, there have been 18-22 years in which the OP was definitely old enough to get the more specific information about what the concern with sulfa drugs was (somewhere between 14-18 yo would have been the time that I would have expected to have more detail about that), speaks mostly to the two of them needing to have more conversations, and maybe OP needs to check in with their parent about some other things if they feel there is a lot of things they weren't given the full story about. Appreciate that isn't often easy, but we don't have enough detail know what else are going on.
I feel like this has come up before with Shaaba not understanding how big of a deal allergies are. Don't lie to doctors about a potentially very serious medical condition and don't make your kid lie to doctors abut them either. Mother is absolutely TA
What my allergist told me is that predisposition for allergies in general is very much genetic, but the individual allergies themselves are not. So for really common allergies like dust, pollen, some meds, some foods, etc, it can seem much more genetically specific than it really is. Basically, if a parent has a significant allergy, it is worth the effort to use caution when introducing new things to their children, but it's not necessary to avoid those things completely unless the child has also demonstrated a reaction.
I have the opposite story to the allergy story. I ended up in the ER once because of an allergic reaction to a painkiller. My mom's reaction was : "Ah, so you've inherited that allergy." I wanted to donate my blood, discovered I had a health issue, came back home to tell her about it, and she went : "Well of course, we've known for 10 years." She just didn't think I needed to know, apparently x)
Sulfa drugs are a subcategory of antibiotics. My husband actually had a similar experience to OP (although my MIL didn’t intentionally lie about it as far as we know, she just got confused.) So hubby went to the allergist and did the exposure challenge like OP described, and had no reaction whatsoever. As far as we can figure, he developed a rash the first time he was given amoxicillin as a child (which 90% of people do, and then it never happens again) and his mother somehow turned that into a sulfa allergy in her mind.
On the credit card one, I would have done the same thing. Theft is theft, if you don't report it, they will do it again. Family or not. Lessons need to be learned. The mother did this to herself, no one else is responsible for her actions.
15:46 OP, you ARE keeping secrets from your daughter! She's not an idiot, she's a child, and if she's old enough to ask, she's old enough to get an answer. Seriously, what OP here is doing is making her daughter resent her more, and favor her father. Because guess what, children like adults to take them seriously, who answer their questions instead of shutting the door on them. Children don't like it when adults treat them as lesser-than, and they also don't forget it. So if OP doesn't trust her daughter with this info, and isn't honest, she's gonna remember, and later in life not trust her mother.
re: sulfa drugs/antibiotics: I don't know about sulfa drugs specifically, but I've been told before that antibiotics can cause digestive issues as a fairly common side effect. Essentially the reasoning i was given was that the antibiotics aren't targeted, so while they kill the bacteria causing you issues, they also kill ALL the bacteria in your body. This includes the useful bacteria innvarious parts of your body, including your gut (intestines mostly i think). Those bacteria help you digest, so suddenly removing them can cause issues like constipation. Thankfully, taking probiotics or eating yogurt with live cultures can help alleviate these symptoms by replenishing those gut bacteria while the infection bacteria are being killed.
I developed an allergy to amoxicillin and that makes it so that if I do have some kind of infection, I might end up with an antibiotic that is not as effective as something in the cylin family. I don't know what sulfur drugs do or how the sulfur affects drugs. But she could have been using less effective medications. Then she possibly could have been using if the quote unquote regular ones would have been better.
Re: Story 3. My mom always said, “When you’re 35, I’ll write you a book about _____” whenever I asked about tricky family matters. She died when I was 22 and now those questions will never be answered. Do it im an age appropriate way, yes, but talk to your children (especially as they grow into adults).
Literally in the same boat with the Sulfa-Drugs allergy. My mom has always said to list Sulfa and Benzodiazepines, but whenever they ask "what happens" I have no idea what to say because I've avoided them for years! 😂
Just throwing it out there, as an IBS C girlie I do constantly make jokes about poop despite the condition lol. Of course it's all individual, but for me, I can still appreciate that it's something I can have a sense of humour about without it taking away from the pain, discomfort and very real impact on my day to day!
oh, boy. the mom with the credit card absolutely is the drama. wow... back in jail? yeah, no. I would keep those boundaries firmly. You can always drop charges later if she comes around and admits that she was in the wrong.
On the sulfa drugs: There are medical conditions that come with a negative reaction to sulfa drugs but are not actually allergies. I have one of them, so I know a bit about this. Many of them are genetic, so I would encourage both OP and her mother to speak to a medical professional and be open and honest about the entirety of the mother's reaction, and get tested to be sure they're not mistaking a more serious medical condition for a gastro allergy.
Just a s a note: sulfa is an ingredient. It also includes anything sort of sulfates. My Mom had a sulfa allergy and when her allergy got worse she had to use special sulfate free shampoos. A lot of foods that use sulfer as a preservative could make her super ill. She also couldn't take iron sulfate supplements. A Dr once prescribed her a med that contained sulfa and she nearly died.
With the allergies one, from what we're told, the mother ONLY told her child sulfur drugs. Not the ragweed or the dust mites, according to how the story went. Just because there's sometimes a genetic component doesn't mean you give false info. I've experienced stuff like this with my own family, and it's caused harm. From the end where OP implied how this isn't the first time her mother did something like this, I don't blame her frustration and would consider going LC at least temporarily while she's pregnant and emotional, and she should get full panels of all tests done as an adult so she has info she can trust and not keep running to an unreliable source. While the mom wasn't (likely) intending harm, harm could've been done and OP was lucky nothing bad occurred. Sure, there were alternative drugs, but saying someone isn't the drama because "no harm, no foul" isn't something I can personally jive with.
A sulfa allergy is usually pretty significant. I have one child with a sulfa allergy. Unfortunately it’s a type of antibiotics that is very effective against some stubborn bugs so if you can’t use it it’s pretty significant.
Both my parents were allergic to penicillin. My father had an anaphylactic reaction. We were told to say that we’re allergic to penicillin, and I did, until I saw an otolaryngologist for chronic sinus infection who questioned me. He sent me an allergist who prescribed penicillin. I was terrified, but took it. No problem. This was hugely beneficial for me, as I’m actually allergic to Sulfa drugs (which is a category of antibiotics).
I totally relate to the “I put this somewhere safe but I don’t remember where that is” thing. Also I once changed my rings to another finger in my sleep, lol. For story 2, I am allergic to sulfa drugs. I got hives from one as a kid. No doctor has ever suggested I may have outgrown them. I think they are easy enough to avoid.
Regarding the ring, I actually think he had a family dinner or something, and realizes someone was going to ask about the ring, perhaps to see it. So he panicked, then when he had to see them sans ring, concocted a lie about her stealing it.
hihi this is probably the most early i have ever been :D also about the divorce thing and the child asking about it, i'm 17 and my parents divorced when i was 2, i still have not been told basically anything about the reasonings, idk if i ever will, tho i havent really asked either
Secrets mom is the drama. If the child has questions, she should get answers appropriate for her age. Mom is openly inviting mistrust from her daughter by staying quiet. Also, who says dad isn't providing child-friendly answers? There's no proof that he's sharing adult information with her. At least he's saying something! Idk, there's a lot of outcomes based on the circumstances of the divorce, but ultimately, mom should figure out how to answer her child's questions in an appropriate way. Based on what was said in the post when OP said that after a while her daughter revealed what she learned from her dad, she probably asked dad specifically because mom refused to answer. Children want answers and they're going to ask around until one is given. Mom brought this on herself. You're the drama, mom!
I think the piece about calling a reaction an allergy in a medical context is a really challenging and nuanced question. I think it depends on the drug and the reaction, and I don’t know enough about the drug class OP is describing to form an opinions. But, I have requested a specific drug (compazine) be listed as an allergy on my medical records, even though my reaction to it is not technically an allergy, nor is it life threatening. Compazine is an anti-nausea drug that I was given in the ER when I came in severely dehydrated with a stomach bug. Note that I was fully an adult, and my mom was there with me. Within five minutes of the receiving IV compazine, I felt the most intense panic of my entire life-and I get panic attacks. Something felt extremely wrong, and I started trying to get out of bed and was trying to pull my IVs out. The nurse came rushing back in, and my mom had to hold me down while they gave me a bunch of Benadryl to calm me down. Apparently, it’s a known possible side effect of the drug in certain people. First of all, I absolutely never want to feel that way again, it was horrific. And also, it definitely was more work for the nurses, who would have had to restrain me and put a new IV in before I tore off my clothes and ran into the parking garage if my mom hadn’t been there. But the thing that really sealed it for me that I would put it down as an allergy was when my mother remarked a few days later that my great-aunt, who currently has late stage Alzheimer’s, also has compazine as an allergy on her medical record. Probably she has had a similar reaction, not an allergy. But if it wasn’t on her medical record as an allergy, she easily would have been given it multiple times in the nursing home-and she wouldn’t be capable of telling them why not to. Her pain and irrational behavior would probably be written off as symptoms of the disease. So, compazine will definitely remain on my allergy list!
My son’s medical history lists allergies to dairy and soy- but he’s not allergic, just intolerant, and his GI doctor entered them that way so there would be no chance that he would accidentally be served a meal containing either ingredient during an inpatient stay. Every new doctor he sees, I explain this, and they all want his chart to stay the way it is. Just because something won’t kill you doesn’t mean there aren’t reasons to never expose yourself to it. It’s absolutely fair to have an “allergy” listed to something that will do more harm than good for you.
I'm older, plus being a care giver to someone who has adult ADHD, and other issues, so it's very easy for me to get distracted about where I put things. Whenever I have to put something "in a safe place" I will say it out loud where I'm putting it. Then I hear it back, and so does the other person. Since i started doing that, there has been no stress about where the safe thing is. Maybe you could try that.
I don't really think the allergy one is no drama... While negative symptoms can be similar to allergies and vice versa in some ways, there is a huge difference between the two, and one can have significantly worse outcomes. Headache and constipation/tummy issues are listed on 90% of all medicine as side effects (Source: trust me - I don't actually know the correct number, so feel free to correct me) even stuff you don't even think about like nasal spray for a common cold has headache and tummy issues as side effects. I think it's perfectly fine to avoid specific drugs if you have bad experiences with them but calling it an allergy is far from right and causes a burden on OP because it's really important that she tells everyone about it as the outcome could be really severe compared to etc. constipation...
ADHD Chaos here too. I am off my meds for a while now due to ongoing shortage in UK and I find my stuff in the most ridicules places. After searching for my mobile for the whole day, I noticed that I had left the cheese out this morning and when I put it away just now, I found my phone in the fridge. I'm definitely phoning my pharmacy again tomorrow (if I remember).
I can understand why the person in the second story felt angry at their mother. If I found out I was telling a lie to my doctors about a fake allergy (That the mom doesn't even have, just an adverse side effect) I'd be also pretty mad. The mom could have gotten her or her child tested instead of instructing them to lie to medical professionals. It's not harmless considering she is now pregnant and unsure which drugs she can take, that might have benefited her.
For the last story, if OP had waited very long to press charges on their mother... I'm pretty sure the mom could use that as a defense for the charges? Talking her way into sounding like OP had consented at first then changed their mind? I think considering the context info we were given OP did exactly the right thing.
10:29 yeah, my mum is allergic to latex and bees, so my sister and I have always said we have a latex allergy when in a medical setting because allergies are genetic and it’s better to just not test it, idk what op is upset about
As a child from divorced parents, I do think the mom not telling her child something about the divorce is dramaish. You should never underestimate your kids. I do understand not going into the creepy, strange, painful details, but it is possible to explain the intricacies and difficulties of relationships while offering safety and reassurance to their kid. Of course, I wouldn't trust my mom if she hadn't believed I could handle a little truth. I've always been grateful I got a somewhat clear picture of how things went wrong with my parents (I was 7). The dad of course seems manipulative, but the fact that the child's mother is not taking the time to show she considers their child as still affected and as its own person will be completely detrimental to her growth and confidence.
Lolz "helping" her would require a conversation that was "taking advantage of". which is the same issue in the borrowing situation "borrowing" absent of any interaction/notice is...just stealing
What I am worried about with the last one is if OP hadn't pressed charges or spoken to the bank, and it was found that the mum was money washing. Would OP get into trouble?
The thing is, while the tendency to develop allergies is genetic, precisely WHAT one may be allergic to is generally not. It would have been more responsible for your mother to tell the doctors, "I had a reaction to [insert specific drug here], so I would prefer to avoid sulfa drugs if at all possible, at least until they are older." There are very few infections that can be treated ONLY with sulfa drugs. And then, when you DO try sulfa drugs, you talk to the doctor about having benadryl ready when taking it so you can slow any reaction while you get to the ER.
I have a severe GI reaction to azithromycin. I tell every one of my doctors, "If it is the only thing that will be effective against the infection I have, give it to me, but you will need to check me into the hospital, put me on an IV drip to keep me hydrated with adequate electrolytes, and give me anti-nausea medicine. GI intolerances are serious, but not the same as an allergy that produces asthma or hives or anaphylaxis.
23:02 OPs actions may have been harsh, and I agree that maybe waiting the day is best. But then those charges were like clothes and fast food. That couldn’t wait the day or however long till payday? That and the backstory makes it hard to trust the mom.
The sulfa based medication hits close to home. I have a twin sister allergic to the same thing. My mom would always say to me to say we both had it because she was worried I would have it too. We a fraternal twins and the chances I have the allergy is slim but because there is alternatives its never been a factor in my life to say I have that allergy. I even explain all that to my doctors and they understand. I agree NDH
I lost my engagement ring for awhile when I was cooking and doing dishes. My husband ended up finding it a few days later in our veggie drawer in the fridge. Lol. Didn't think to check there!
Only 2 1/2 mins in, and I'm already pausing the video to post this, because when I saw "AITA for losing my wedding ring" I felt uncomfortably seen. I won't be insulted if folks are skeptical...either that NONE OF THIS WAS INTENTIONAL or that it happened at all...I can only offer my very pained assurance that both those things are true. A few years after my husband and I were married we went to a music event we were wildly excited about--bands we really liked that didn't tour the US much at all were all gathering for a special festival. Anyway, festival happened and was amazing, and the first show we went to I applauded so much my fingers started swelling and I had to take off my wedding and engagement rings and put them in my flannel shirt pocket (yes, it was the '90s, how'd you guess). After the show I went to put my rings back on, but only my wedding ring was in my pocket--my engagement ring was nowhere to be found. Not caught in the shirt, not on the floor, not on the chair, not ANYWHERE. We looked and looked and looked and left our information with the venue manager in case anyone turned it in...but long story short, I never found it again. About a year after that, preparing to take a shower, I took off my wedding ring and put it on the shelf over our toilet as I'd done hundreds of times before. (I just did, OK?) And...when I came out of the shower, it was gone. Wasn't on the shelf, wasn't on the floor, wasn't on any of the other shelves, wasn't even in the toilet bowl (yeah, I looked :P). Never saw it again. Years later, for our 25th anniversary, my husband got me a beautiful silver and emerald ring that I loved, and I immediately started wearing it in place of the rings I'd lost. It was a trifle big on my finger, and I meant to get it resized, but kept not getting around to it. Around that same time, though I didn't know what it was yet, I was developing a herniated disc in my upper spine that made the outermost two fingers on my left hand go numb. And one day, refilling my coffee in the middle of the afternoon at work, I realized the ring was gone. Just gone. I retraced ALL my steps all over my office building, the post office and cafe where I'd stopped over my lunch hour, ALL over my car--it was just *gone*, slipped off my finger and vanished. My husband, it must be said, has been positively angelic in the face of all this. He never once got angry or blamed me, especially that last time. But I strongly suspect I won't be getting any more rings in the future.
Yeah I don't have IBS but I have a decade long eating disorder that's played absolute havoc on my guts, constipation can be a lot more severe than a lot of people assume, like days of debilitating stomach cramps and chugging coffee to try and get it out 🙄
No, I'm sorry, even treating the credit card one as an isolated incident - someone steals my card, I'm going to the police. I don't care if I know them or not.
For the third story, I just want to point out that if someone is asking to borrow money, or if I ever needed to borrow money from someone it would be an exact amount to pay an unexpected expense. Ie. If I got a puncture and needed a new tyre for my car... They're expensive, hey can you heelp kind of thing. What the mum did here was ask for $500, and then spent it on fast food and clothes (according to OP who saw where it was being spent). That really doesn't warrent a need to put someone out by a large sum... She's obviously been in jail before, the mum ignored the boundaries being set by OP, trust was broken, yep, call the cops. No need for it to be in relation to a previous crime or a 'one time thing' if my mum did that I'd be distraught.
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Ah yes, the fastest way to lose something: Putting it in a safe place so you won't lose it😂
😂😂
In my house, this happens so often that we just say something is in "a very sensible place" - which means we have no idea where it is lol
I think OP in the credit card story would still be NTA without the backstory. Calling the police on a parent who has stolen money from you is maybe a harsh course of action, but not a wrong one.
As someone with a nurse as a mom and who has worked in medical research, I have to disagree with you a little bit on the 2nd one. 1. Allergies aren't always genetic; my mom is allergic to cats, but I have 3 cats, no problem, and my fraternal twin sister has dealt with many food allergies or sensitivities while I have no dietary restrictions. 2. A headache and constipation aren't an allergic reaction, they're side effects; the reason doctors ask you if you're allergic to certain drugs is because they want to avoid anaphylactic shock. While mom may have had good intentions, OP is right in that they've been lying to healthcare workers and placing a bit of a burden on them needlessly for years. The better way the mom could've handled it would've been asking "I dealt with these negative side effects with these drugs; how likely are my children going to experience that, and could that become an allergy?"
Yes, ENVIRONMENTAL allergies are not genetic & are related to lack of allergen exposure (cats, hay, dust mites, etc) within the first 6 months of life.
However, DRUG intolerance/allergies ARE genetically based as the mutations that cause poor/excessive metabolism/effectiveness & toxicity is passed on from parents. Someday, maybe newborns will be tested for drug metabolism (see pharmacogenetics) since many patients will go through decades of drug trials, many causing potentially life threatening or traumatic events, with medical providers gaslighting their "rarely reported" side effects as drug seeking, hypochondriatic (even if that label is no longer supported), &/or overdramatic/manipulative, especially if the patient is a woman &/or POC!
I just don't think your comment is accurate. I have mentioned that my mom is allergic to a specific drug many times in my life, despite not knowing if I'm allergic to it myself, and the doctors were receptive to that information. Had I absolutely needed those drugs (if there hadn't been a workaround) we would have tested, but just knowing there was a risk and avoiding it within reason was enough. There are examples of allergic reactions in this video - nausea, headaches, fainting, and the such are definitely "allergic" reactions to drugs. Anaphylactic shock and being very sick for a few days are just different allergic reactions and we're not really comparing them here.
(If I may add a detail to what I mean - I feel like the reaction exhibited here and by the OP is quite strong for something so innocent. Communication with both the mom and doctors is going well. It's okay to ask questions, be confused, misuse vocabulary, be overly careful with your doctor. Maybe it's because I live in a different country with a different system, but my experience has been completely welcomed by medical professionals. In fact, I have many times been encouraged to be very precise even if I'm not sure what things mean, so they can figure it out themselves with their expertise.)
So I agree with you, my mom and my son both have a mild Penicillin allergy but I don’t. Everyone isn’t going to immediately have the same reaction so while it is good to let your health care provider know there is a potential higher risk depending on the situation genetics may or may not be a factor. Withholding accurate information from the health care providers makes things so much harder. Just letting them know you had an allergy and there might be a potential allergy for your kid would have been so much better. Then they could have taken it into account and figured out if it was warranted or if extra precautions were needed if they did require the drug until they knew how she reacted.
I would also add that we don’t have endless alternatives of antibiotics. When people say they have an allergy, it can often mean they will be getting a less effective antibiotic for their type of bacterial infection. Less effective treatments can lead to incomplete treatment (recurrence of the infection) but now only the bacteria with antibiotic resistance. It’s worse for our patients and worse for the future.
This!!! My mom is deathly allergic to penicillin but none of her children are!
14:00 im not a parent but my rule of thumb and my parents was always “if they are old enough to ask, they are old enough to get an answer”
Uuuuuum I can think of many contexts in which that would be very incorrect, but in this context I can kinda see where you're coming from.
@@undefinederror40404 *An* answer doesn't mean the whole truthful answer. There are obviously some things that are not appropriate for a young child to be told. But children are curious by nature. Once a question is in their mind, if you don't provide some kind of answer, it will bother at them and not go away. They will ask other people. They will try to find out by themselves. At the very least, they will constantly pester you. There are always ways to find a child-friendly version of the truth that you can tell them. And provide them with some kind of answer so that they know that you are taking them seriously.
@@undefinederror40404 i mean. “An answer” is not necessarily “The *full* answer” tho
@@asthejayfliesYa. Saying "You are too young" or "You shouldn't know that" simply makes them seek an answer more.
Maybe a summarized version of the events if some aspects are not age appropriate. (For example if one partner had an affair, then some censoring might be needed)
I don’t understand why there should be a difference between credit card fraud by a stranger (which you clearly would report to the police) and credit card fraud by a family member. 🤷♀️
I'm betting that is cus either ppl believe you should trust your family more to pay it back (but like they still stole it so idk how much I'd trust their word), or to try and keep the peace and not make things awkward (but tbh that's really on them for committing a crime). So both not great reasons but since when do people think logically.
Yeah I certainly think it's fine she called the police. Good for her!! She was very clear to the mom. Borrowing money was a no. It's even more of a betrayal from family🤷
THIS!!! It is WILD to me how prevalent this attitude seems to be, like my parents have never asked for a DIME from me.
Once I had gotten a job in my teens they might insist I pay for things that I *wanted* that were outside the bounds of necessity but never ever ever treated my money like their money. I can't imagine what it's like growing up in a household where this type of disrespect is normalized.
Also.. isn't the adage "never loan Money if you can't afford to not get it back" I live by that and it has served me well (in that, sometimes I do get it back and sometimes I don't but it never screws with my ability to be financially stable)
Also also, if my mom asked me for 500$ I would just.. give it to her, so I think OPs reluctance speaks to either 1. Her not having extra to spare or 2. The state of her relationship with mom .. or heck maybe both..
Oof
@@macgirl1234That's how I see it too. And family is usually more entitled and think they won't have consequences
Exactly! This is financial abuse and bullying. Stealing wasn't enough the mum then went on to harass and defame her to people openly on social media.
I disagree with the sulphur drugs one.
1. From what we were told even the mother doesn't know if she herself is allergic. Allergy against those medicine is mostly skin and rash related, bowel disfunction is a sideeffect (not only from sulphur drugs, but many, many antibiotics). Sure, the mother should avoid medicine that causes her sideeffects, but she shows that she neither understood what happened to her nor did she really talk to any health provider. Like... what did her doctor say about the sideeffects? Did she talk to them about her children, too? Or did she just demonise the medicine and because mother knows best?
2. My mother is lightly allergic against penicillin and she made sure that on my info penicillin allergy was added, too. I am not allergic at all, I was tested, but since it was in my data, it made getting antibiotics for my tooth pain extremely difficult, because many bone penetrating antibiotics are based on penicillin. So getting adequate healthcare was a hassle for me, while I was in one of the worst pains in my life.
And from that perspective, I cannot really take what the mother said as something it was for the wellbeing of her child, but instead as something inherently distrustful of medicine as a whole.
I wish I could up vote this 100 times
Your point is right, still for me there is not enough information about the mother to judge her. Maybe she really didn't understand and it really was not with second thoughts. I believed a lot of things to be true and only found out years later, that child me got it wrong. But my parents would not go and rendomly correct my childhood assumptions. Because they often even didn't know that I remembered it in a quite different way.
"Sulfa" drug.
Why the hell is my reply from a different video in here??? Wth! You Tube, get your shit together!
I still don't think the mother was not that much of an AH because not everyone is that knowledgeable about medicine and this seems like a fair mistake to be made
For the sulfa drugs, I do not agree with your verdict. Sulfa drugs are not a "brand" of drugs - it is a type of antibiotics. For some infections (especially some bacteria, with resistance to other common antibiotics), there is not a good alternative to sulfa drugs, if you don't want to use a really "potent" type of antibiotic. Why does this matter? Because those "potent" antibiotics should ONLY be used when no other options are possible , as the use of them promote development of more multi-resistent bacteria in the world. So yes, it is a VERY bad thing to lie about - Mom was putting her child at risk, and potentially contributing to antibiotic-resistance.
Totally agree. I’m also kind of horrified that her mum would lie about a medical condition like that. It’s a terrible thing to do to a child, moreso to let her continue believing the lie as an adult, and I don’t get how anyone could be so flippant about it.
I’m also wondering why the mom never brought this up with a doctor over the course of the kids’ childhood. Surely at some point she took the kids to the doctor for whatever reason. That would have been a good opportunity to verify with a medical professional whether there would’ve been an issue.
Yeah I'm actually allergic to Sulfa drugs. I got high fever and trouble breathing from it... so we don't mess around with that...
I've honestly never gasped in disbelief before at a verdict until this one. Medical neglect is no joke. If OP was given less effective drugs and thus sustained permanent damage because their illness was not treated effectively, this could leave OP with permanent damage. And all because the mom had some bad bowel movements one time. I can't even. That mom is something else.
Absolutely, and I understand that maybe the mom could have had bad side effects from it but the symptoms she listed are KNOWN AND COMMON side effects from most antibiotics, and are definitely not an allergy. It would have been so much more beneficial for the mom to have told the doctors that she had bad side effects from sulfa drugs, because then they could have taken that into account, without having to disregard that type of medication completely. In my world, as someone who has been on many many different medications in my life for various medical issues, drug side effects like a headache and constipation (even if they are bad) are much preferable to getting very sick from a preventable infection :///
Teachable moment: there is a difference between an allergy and a side effect/adverse reaction. Its important to make the distinction. 😊
This is exactly why many health care providers ask followup questions when discussing potential drug allergies. There's one drug in my chart under allergies that causes me significant side effects (sedation, vomiting, headaches), but not an allergic reaction. There's another drug I've had an allergic reaction to once (throat closed up, couldn't swallow, skin began itching). I haven't taken it again since then, as allergic reactions to drugs (or food) typically get worse each time.
What I forgot to mention is that I'm often asked, "what happens when you take [medication x]?"
With the 6 year old, I think (in a typically normative scenario) the moment a child is old enough to ask questions, they are old enough to be given answers. It doesn't need to be the whole story, but they should should be told something.
Re 6yo with questions: I taught sex ed for 6 years, if a kid is old enough to ask the question, they are old enough for an (age appropriate) answer. Most confusion about relationships comes from being dismissed/told a falsehood/told is doesn't matter. Kids will keep asking and if you don't answer, someone else will and they may get misinformation.
Agreed, if I get an opportunity to give an age appropriate answer I will, because someone else might fumble that up. Better for them to know things so they can better understand when to alert an adult to something going on.
Yep! When I was a kid I asked my parents what [some crude words I'd heard on TV] meant, and they just told me not to say it because they're grownup words I don't need to know yet. I was tempted to anyway, but even back then I wanted to know what things mean so I know I could get the use right. Then I found out from my friends what the swears were talking about... I was seriously grossed out. If I'd just KNOWN, I would never have brought the subject up ever again.
Oops. You mean, "the Easter Bunny says keep a nickel between your legs while you're kissing a boy" doesn't cut it? (Ann Landers actually gave that advice in the early 1970's. My 12-year-old self didn't believe in Ann Landers after that. Problem solved.)
From the sound of it the mother didn't have an allergic reaction, she had common side effects from antibiotics. My mother is allergic to penicillin and related antibiotics, she has ended in intensive care for weeks when given them. It means she often has to take different antibiotics that are less effective over longer periods of time or stronger antibiotics that can have more severe side effects or are more expensive. It's really important to know your allergies. OP does need to make sure she has a conversation with her mother to make sure she has an accurate medical history.
I have a penicillin allergy also, but there degrees to allergies and there are also people who have degrees of intolerances. Not everyone with an allergy will end up in the hospital, though you ofcourse could- but that isn’t the qualifying factor weither you have or have not an allergy. Problems with you intestines can absolutely be symptoom a of allergies or intolerances , just like rashes are, but also swelling of tongue or throat , etc … and any mixture of theses things.
To say that someone doesn’t have an allergy without ever meeting them, seeing their medical files and being a doctor… is quite audacious to me
also with allergies it is very common that the more you are subjected to it, the stronger you allergy becomes and that you then will intact end up in hospital (happened with an other allergy of mine, a type of painkiller) so, if you show symptoms and there are adequate alternatives and you can be tested … it would be wise to avoid that stuff , just so you don’t get it worse
@dr.Einstein_von_Brainstorm but OP didn't say the mother definitely didn't have a reaction, they said "from the sound of it". The mother didn't actually say she had an allergy either, only a bad reaction. Whilst very specific allergies can result in a range of gastro symptoms (like gluten in coeliac disease), typically an allergy would specifically lead to diarrhea and vomiting and one would also expect to see breathing difficulties, itching, a rash, swelling. The mother describes none of these symptoms. Her issues sound more like a medication side effect, which whilst important, is not the same thing as an allergy.
My parents divorced when I was a very small child, and I was that little girl whose mother wouldn't say much while her father said everything he could. My mother was taking the moral high ground, because she didn't want my relationship with my father to be impacted by how their marriage had ended. Instead, my father used my mother's dignity to try to drive a wedge between she and I. At that young age, I wasn't ready to hear the details, but looking back I think I should have been told, at least, that my father's actions had been the reason for the divorce.
Divorce one: dad is the a$$h@le. Not just driving a wedge between child and mum but child and baby. If he had a new relationship months after OP's breakup, why I'd the baby (5 years later) the reason the parents can't get back together? I doubt the dad wants to reunite with OP, so he's just being a jerk.
Dealing with this right now and trying to walk the line between not saying anything bad about the other parent and not shutting out my kid. There's at least a guideline if not actual law, depending on the state, prohibiting parents from "denigrating" each other, aka telling the child anything negative that might impact the relationship. It's not often enforced unfortunately, but I've definitely run up against it and so far I've been basically telling her that "I can't answer that question because the court says I can't. I suggest you talk to (another family member or trusted adult) about this because I'm not allowed to." It's definitely infuriating when the other parent is doing the opposite and telling all sorts of lies to your child. All I want is to tell her the truth but I know that will just make it worse.
@@aprildawnsunshine4326 I'm a single dad, and my ex left when our kids were 4mo old. Things ended because she was emotionally/mentally abusive and cheated and I needed to protect my kids from that sort of house. She died when they were 2 (unknown circumstances, but she was an addict, so i chalk it up to choices catching up), but the most they ever knew was "mom was sick" because that's all they needed to know. they are 11 now and i've given them more context, let them know some more details about the abuse and addiction. I was "fortunate" enough that her side of the family hasn't had contact with the kids, but I'm not sure how i would have reacted if someone else had told them "the other side" especially since my ex never saw her actions as being wrong and the family fed into it (her mom was also manipulative and cheated).
If possible, I would suggest getting in touch with a counselor or someone that could mediate and you and your ex sit down and figure out a version of the story that represents the truth that you both agree on. avoid anything that points blame even though it sounds like there is definitely someone at fault in your situation. Also, if there isn't something written in a court order signed by the judge, you can talk to your kids about things from your side, or answer the questions they ask. Something else to keep in mind is eventually your child will grow up and remember that you tried not to say anything negative about their dad, but he had no issue dragging you, and they will also see how he treats other people and talks about the things "they did to him" and sort things out. Love your kid and do everything to be there for them cause ultimately that's what matters.
@@aprildawnsunshine4326 it is a tricky line. Idk about laws. But you don't have to be neutral. You can say "dad did something that made it impossible for us to be together and happy."
Idk about such laws. Do you think you're ex would pursue the law and courts if you told your baby the truth?
I guess it also depends, do you think the deed the husband did or didn't do makes them a bad parent? Like without the marriage failing, would they still be a good parent but bad romantic partner?
Is your ex saying crude stuff about you, that would automatically show that they are a bad parent. If you aren't harmful to your child and they still make lies, then that is a selfish move and not at the best interest of the child.
You should learn more about the laws and see what you can and can't say. Get a lawyer if you can. I just hope that it works out in a way where your kid doesn't get a rough upbringing.
Thank you for sharing your perspective! It's great to hear from someone who went through things from the child's pov
I disagree with you on the allergy one. I think OP is NTA and mom is. Constipation and headaches can be side effects of any antibiotic and/or the reason mom needed the antibiotic in the first place.
As someone who is allergic to sulfa drugs, I've had times when I've had to wait longer to get a non-sulfa option and/or the non-sulfa was more expensive. Also, bacteria can be resistant to certain antibiotics, and limiting the ones you can take can add unneeded complexity. There are also several drugs related to sulfa antibiotics that aren't an option for someone with a sulfa allergy.
As someone with actual allergies - shellfish and lidocane (which apparently come from a related protein) - I'm angry on second OP's behalf. Sulfa antibiotics are an entirely common class of drugs, and it's wild to hold them back from two healthy children for no reason besides vague stomach symptoms in a parent. I'm guessing OP is from the States, as this kind of medical neglect is usually only allowed to fly here for "religious reasons", and tends to come from anti-vaccination families. Yes, she's entitled to be upset for being lied to and missing access to proper healthcare. And I can only imagine how stressful it would be to discover this during pregnancy.
Good to know about lidocaine!! (I also have a shellfish allergy)
Yeah I also got the vibe of the mum distrusting medicine which is so annoying
I have an allergy to ibuprofen and for me the allergy one made me angry. Most people assume there's viable alternatives, but there have been several times when I've had to get some really unusual medical interventions because of the allergy. If I found out the allergy was made up I'd be pissed!
The OP in the last one was absolutely not the drama! There is no way thats the first time mum has treated OP in that way.
I was just about to watch an old video, happened to refresh my homepage, and saw this 34 seconds after it uploaded…
Same! I was just listening to Shaaba’s music and I wanted to watch a video but I’d already watched them all, and then I remembered it’s Monday!
I am 19 entire years old and the divorce is still treated as something to discuss when I'm older
I mean, it's clear they're far from compatible, but there's always this Unspeakable Evil that happened that I'll be told "when I'm older"
From that perspective, hearing that kid was 6 was a shock lol
When a child is old enough to ask the question, they are old enough to get some kind of answer.
about the medical mother: I would be pissed about something like that as well and thought a little about why that is... I think it's
1. just being lied to about something kinda unimportant - how about the important stuff?
2. being lied to about medical stuff generally feels like a bad idea, because you never know how it might affect another person in a specific situation - and raises some red flags about quacky stuff, tbh
3. there's an easy way around it; just say what the commenters mother said ("I had an allergic reaction (or in this case: bad side effects) and I am worried it might be the same for my child") and there is no harm done, doctors can react acordingly and maybe test if there is a need
so it seems just wrong and needless to lie about it, I guess.
The mom only has herself to blame in the case of the divorce and being seen as the villian. They've been divorced for 5 years meaning that the daughter was one when they split so bringing up that he was in a relationship when she was 1 vs you being in a long term relationship when she's 4 to 6 and much more aware are not the same thing. Also the fact that she's given ZERO details in the story as to the reason and she wants desperately for her daughter not to know leads me to believe that she's not innocent in the split. The fact that she won't even sit down the with daughter and make it clear that there is zero chance of mom and dad getting back together is the reason that her relationship with potential step dad is suffering.
with the parents having differing opinions on what should be communicated about their separation, I have to say I don't understand why people feel the need to withhold things from their kids as long as it's put in an age appropriate context. Growing up, i absolutely hated hearing, "Because I said so." or "I'll tell you when you're older." as it only served to make me anxious about situations being left in the dark or I simply didn't understand why things had to be the way they were. I can't tell you how many times I heard "Because I said so." when I asked why I couldn't do something and my tiny child mind went, "That's not a reason so I'm going to do the thing when no one's looking." I also asked at a very young age why my parents had divorced and appreciated that both of my parents were able to tell me that they just couldn't get along anymore. That they stopped loving one another and that it was never my fault. (The truth of it was far more complicated, but those were terms I could understand and accept.) There were no unrealistic expectations that my parents would get back together and it was easier for me to accept the partners of both of my parents when each moved on.
When I became a parent, I was very conscious to openly communicate with my children. If they ask questions, they get age appropriate answers to allow them to understand what's going on in the world around them. If I correct a behavior, I explain why the behavior is being corrected. "This is dangerous. You could get hurt and I'd like to keep you safe." for example. I've fostered open and honest communication from the time verbal communication was possible. They've grown into well adjusted and well behaved teenagers because they understand that when I tell them something, there's a reason for it and they can ask that reason and get an honest answer. When they're in trouble, I'm safe to talk to and I'll help them. They also know that if they're honest when they make mistakes, the consequences are lighter than if they lie or try to hide it. And they know that if they have questions about our family dynamics, they will be told the truth in a measured and easy to understand manner. Good communication and honesty are valuable tools for building good relationships with your kids both when they're small and as they get older. I can't fathom why some people feel like these principals should be disregarded in the name of sheltering their kids from truths, even if those truths aren't always pleasant. As a parent, I like to think that I can own my mistakes and learn from them and use them as teachable moments if my kids ask about them.
I agree with everything you said. This is probably off topic but I wanted to say that I felt really safe and good while reading your comment. My parents were/are severely abusive and sometimes I forget that there are kind, mature, emotionally intelligent and loving parents like you, and reading your comment reminded me that there is more outside of my own bubble of hurt and trauma and that there are children out there whose needs are met, physical and emotional. I'm in my late twenties and I've decided that I don't want to have children, but if there was a version of me that decided otherwise, I would hope to be a parent like you are. I'm really glad that I stumbled upon your comment, and you should know that your children are incredibly lucky to have you as their parent. Keep doing what you're doing and I hope you and your family have a great day! 💜
You're the best kind of parent, then. At first, both my parents said they just didn't love each other anymore and it wasn't my fault. But then my mother got a new husband almost immediately while my dad wasn't even really dating. And from there, the story changed. My mother tried pulling the "it was all your dad's fault" card whilst my dad calmly explained that they just couldn't get along anymore. As I got older, he opened up about more details while my mother decided to start insulting and slandering him right in front of me with the help of my stepfather. As a pre-teen, I then found one of her diaries (By accident! She used the same spiral notebooks that I used for school. I was going through them deciding if I wanted to keep each and apparently hers got mixed in with mine somehow) and found out from her own words that my dad was telling the truth the entire time. And even worse, the reasons he cited were even more awful and petty than he had been telling me at that point. Not only that, but just one diary entry revealed that my mother was super fake, her personality a complete facade meant to make people like her because she felt like she didn't deserve to live if she didn't have a man in her life and a ring of devoted friends.
I think you can probably guess which parent I still talk to and visit and love and with which one I've gone no-contact with no regrets. Communication is extremely important, but so is honesty. I could tell even as a young kid that divorce wasn't usually one-sided. My birthgiver was never really truthful, and I was never happy with her trying to foist all the blame onto my dad.
Totally agree with you! I grew up with a mom that always told me the truth, even about dark topics and troubling things that not everyone would tell their child, and as a child it didn't even phase me, so I got used to the reality I lived in pretty progressively.
Not only did this not traumatize me, but it also helped create a climate of complete trust where I never felt the need to lie about important things. Treating kids as unprepared only makes them less prepared for when they eventually learn the truth, and hinders trust.
100% agree. this is how my parents parented me and actually me and my grandparents have issues whenever im at their house because they're from the "because i said so" generation and i need to be told why. one time my granddad wanted me to close the curtains in the bedroom i sleep in while im visiting. i asked why and he said "because i said so" and this repeated for like 2 minutes until he stomped off downstairs to get my dad to tell me off, upon which my dad told me grandad wanted me to close the curtains to keep the heat in (it was night). and i was just like WHY COULDNT HE HAVE TOLD ME THAT 😭😭😭 like jesus if he'd just explained i'd have closed them in 5 seconds. honestly the most ludicrous situation ive ever been in
@@MayaMickaMicak thank you so much for your reply. Your words are touching and very much appreciated.
I agree with you on the 3rd one, and I like that you shared your personal experience. When you were reading the scenario, I could hear the OB/GYN TH-camr Mama Dr. Jones in my head when talking about sex ed: "If they're old enough to ask, they're old enough to understand."
That last one with the thief druggie mom needs to go no contact with her mom. She'll do it again and next time might take something else of value and even steal any medication she finds. Don't let her in your house. Tell her "You STOLE from me.I said no and you took MY property and STOLE from me. You don't get to do that". Don't put up with that.
The last one blows my mind, my mum doesn’t even like using my card when I’ve asked her to get me a few things from the shop when I’m sick let alone stealing my card 😱
On the 3rd on YTA, I was a child of divorce and one side didn't tell me what was going on while my mom was moving, I felt hurt, in the dark, and like my mom didn't love me. If you don't tell a kid why their parents split I feel like most will feel like they were the reason. The argument of "this is a conversation for adults, not a child" doesn't work because the child is involved in this situation and leaving them in the dark is unfair. If the reason for splitting is a topic not suitable for children (an abusive relationship or cheating and the such) give a child friendly version. (For example if it's an abusive relationship say they were mean to me/didn't treat me kindly) Multiple times OP used wording that blamed their child for being upset which isn't fair because it's a problem OP created, It also didn't sound like Ex husband said anything to ruin OP's image, they did that to themselves by keeping information from their kid.
I feel sorry for the 6-year-old whose mother doesn’t view her as human enough to be given information about the circumstances in her own life (if she is old enough to ASK, she IS old enough to KNOW) and the father who (if OP is not embellishing, since we only have 1 side) does at least view her as worthy of the information but is providing it with secondary motive. My biggest pet peeve in the world is a parent who views their child as a child first and a person second; that is how you get parents like OP who think they are doing the right thing but are just damaging their child in their own arrogance.
As for the mother who stole money, throw the book at her. I do not believe in leniency on the basis of family; you do not choose whom you’re born to, so there is nothing special about them over someone you HAVE chosen actively to be in your life. If you would call the cops on an acquaintance for something, you should be willing to call the cops on a relative for the same thing, point blank.
19:20 this pisses me off.
My mother told me some things & didn't tell me others, but from her perspective she was being abused
There's *no* reason to assume the man here is using abuse tactics *just because he's a man* in my mom's case, she was not using abuse tactics & yes, my dad didn't tell me why they were breaking up.
Assuming the woman is always in the right in divorce is a really effed up "benign" sexist argument
I label my boxes and when I want to know what I put in the boxes without digging them out and opening them I have a list made of what is in each box. Those lists are stored on my bookshelf in a binder.
So if I need to find something I put away so long ago I just pull out the binder and look at the lists, find the box label, then go find the box (most of my personal storage boxes are in my bedroom. House storage boxes are in places like the closets and laundry room storage area).
So for me the worst part of finding something is finding the box in the closets but I always know what's in each box.
This is so extra!! I love it! I may end up stealing it 😊
This is gonna be a Life saver! Thanks for sharing!
I feel the mom made an okay choice for when they were kids, BUT by the time the op and her brother were teenagers, she should have cleared it up that it was a maybe.
People need to stop saying they have an allergy when it is actually an adverse reaction or intolerance. Severe allergies are life threatening and having constipation and a headache, whilst unpleasant, is not the same as not being able to breathe!
Let's not assume that the dad in situation #3 is being manipulative. I am not divorced, but my kids do ask me questions about sticky things, and when they ask I answer to the best of my ability. It wouldn't occur to me to not answer a question and check in with my wife before answering to discuss how to answer. I don't think anyone sucks in that situation. The parents obviously have different boundaries about sharing info and that's caused some friction, but I think everyone is trying to do right by the kid, and that matters a lot.
I was reluctant to judge the dad as well since we don't know what he said to the daughter and especially since both parents have moved on. But definitely think they should've had a conversation about how they would communicate with their kid. Considering the fact that they are divorced and that the questions/answers directly involve OP, it makes more sense to discuss how to answer.
I don’t think we need to assume, because he’s telling his child that mommy’s boyfriend is the reason they’re divorced, even though that isn’t true.
Based on that, yeah, op is NTA but she does need to explain to her child a basic why before daddy dearest spews more lies.
@@tabathaalshalhoub1653 oh shoot I must've missed that part. Yeah, that's sketchy and nasty, I'm not a fan of that at all. Thanks for pointing that out!
Gotta love ADHD safe. It’s so safe you don’t even remember where you put it. The ex must not know about this part of ADHD. I have done proper searchers for something just to get frustrated because I couldn’t find it. Later when not looking I found it in a spot I’d already looked. The only thing OP could have done is told him where the safe spot is just in case.
(for the daughter not telling about the divorce one) I just strongly feel like there are ways to elaborate on difficult or mature topics without getting into the gorey details. We dont know what happened between them but like you said you cant stop outside influences from weighing in and I feel like it breaks down the trust after a while when parents push the "until your older" conversation *too* far. Kids are way smarter than people give credit for and are more aware of their surroundings and environment than we think. Like keeping that conversation open so your kid isnt afraid to come to you to ask questions is important.
For the second one, the mom's reaction wasn't even an allergy, it was just a side effect. Everyone reacts to drugs differently, so there was no reason to assume that her kids would be the same. Still, I understand that the mom was coming from a good place, so I agree, NDH.
For Shaaba's information, sulfas are a class of drug, not a brand. No big deal, but now you know.
What the credit card mom did was theft. It's clear from the post that there are previous issues between the OP and mom, even if we don't get to know about all of it. OP was in the right to protect herself (because now mom will think twice before doing such a thing again). At first I thought you were being too easy on the mom, but I'm glad you came around to the realization that all the problems were coming from her.
I liked the change to "drama" but i feel it has become a bit too literal. In the allergy story nothing particularly dramatic happened, but OP is asking if they're in the right to feel annoyed. NDH doesn't do anything to address that. And in the credit card story, going to the police may be "dramatic", but their mom broke the law and stole from them. Maybe in an ideal world they could resolve things outside of the criminal justice system, but OP is still the victim. Are we really going to say they are wrong to report it and take steps to prevent it from happening again?
This is true. Am I the drama doesn't really have the same meaning. It would make more sense for it to be "Am I the one in the wrong?" or "am I being unreasonable?"
@@Louisyed I have seen it written as "am I being unreasonable". I think drama is unique and good branding for the podcast, but it's important to remember that we're trying to identify who is acting inappropriately and not who is the most dramatic.
idk I feel there's a difference between doing something dramatic (calling the police) and being THE drama (ie, calling the police without good reason). You can replace dramatic and drama with AH-ish and AH in my previous statement, and it still stands. Not always the drama for doing something dramatic, not always the AH for doing something AH-ish.
@@blaireshoe8738 yeah, and I agree. I just felt like the video was failing to make that distinction. The verdict for the allergy story was NDH specifically because nothing dramatic happened, not because both people were in the right.
@@alex_blue5802i get what you mean but from what Shaaba meant it felt more in line with how the sub worked, “no one here had bad intentions in this story so they weren’t in the wrong. It was just poor medical communication.”
Just a little food for thought! You tend to talk about whether or not people have the right to feel some type of way about something. I think that, given your approach is very empathetic otherwise, you are not communicating what you're hoping to communicate with this language.
People may have any feeling about anything at any time. All emotional responses come from a place in the brain and body. So I think that the question of if the emotion is justified is inherently a little shaming and invalidating.
I do think that asking if an emotional response is reasonable, gets us closer to an empathetic space. If I stub my toe and get so angry that I punch my fist through the wall, that emotion came from somewhere in my brain and body and was a real thing that I felt, but my reaction to having the emotion was very unreasonable.
This shift centers the reaction instead of something deep or inherent within the human.
I don't know, maybe this is just an issue of semantics, but I figured I'd throw it out there..
As a pedantic autistic human, I agree. We have seen her grow a lot over these videos though so I give Shaaba props for that!
Very much agreed. Emotions are always justified. It's our way of handling and responding to those emotions that is open to judgement.
I made a big stink when you started saying drama instead of A hole but I've since come around on it and would like to apologize for caring. My brain doesnt work right and I am very embarassed that I even cared enough to comment on it. I just needed to get that out, even if no one remembers or cares. Wishing you the best, love your insight. ❤
As a medical student, it’s super common for patients to not understand the difference between medication side effects vs allergies, so I wouldn’t be surprised if the mom genuinely didn’t know any better. It’s unfortunate though bc having an allergy to sulfa drugs eliminates a lot of first-line meds that are commonly used for many conditions/situations, so it’s very possible that OP has at some point unnecessarily received suboptimal treatment
Nice ad read. Caught me out for a sec. 👏
11:01 OH my god absolutely TA, I have had this happen (not with allergies) but I have an issue, go to the doctor to figure it out, then after everything my mom is like "Oh yeah there was this thing when I was younger...." and it's always very frustrating. Especially since my mother had a baby pretty young so with things that involve hormones or puberty she can't give a timeline of when something will stop happening. Super annoying and wastes everyone's time and money, OP is right to be upset over something as serious as an allergy
About the allergy one. What OP's mum is describing is not allegry symptoms, but most likely either an intolerance OR very normal and common side effects. If you look at the info of any drug, it almost always lists headaches and constipation as some of the most common side effects. Mum should have told OP's doctor(when she was little and needed antibiotics) about her own experience and her concerns and the doctor would have told her this info. But because she listed it as an allergy, there was a whole category of meds that OP couldn't take, eventhough she could have needed them which could have potentially been very dangerous.
I think if a child is old enough to ask a question, they are old enough to get some kind of an answer. It doesn't have to include every detail, and parts can be simplified for a simpler understanding of the world. If the parent doesn't want to talk about it for emotional reasons, they should be honest about that at the very least. Telling them "you're not old enough" will sound more and more like an excuse and the child will look elsewhere for answers.
omg how have I caught this so early?? I'm excited!
Twinsesss
i disagree on the second one, yes the mom was trying to protect her kids but she didn't have to lie to them to do that, she could've told them, "i don't want you taking sulfa drugs because i had a negative reaction" there was no reason to lie, and i honestly hate the narrative that lying to kids because you don't think they'll understand the truth is "protecting them" and I would be mad too if i learned something i thought was true my whole life turned out to be a lie even if it wasn't a huge lie
So many of these stories involve adults telling their parents/families about interpersonal struggles and then the parents/family jump in on the situation texting or calling the partner/ex if their adult family member - am I the only one who finds this weird?
I would be so angry and mortified if I told my mom or brother or friend something bothering me and they called up my partner!! I doubt I’d ever tell them anything again.
imo, op #2 is being ridculous. From a medical pov, if there is a SLIGHTEST chance you could be allergic to something, you avoid it. Fyi, sulfa drugs are antibiotics with added sulfur, which leaves plenty of viable antibiotics for the doc to chose from. op #3-- when my son asked me the "why'd you break up" question, I just said "we couldn't get along and we loved you too much to want you grow up with us fighting all of the time." Easy to understand, truthful and age appropriate.
For #2, the mom had unpleasant side effects, not an allergic reaction. Constipation isn't fun (I have ibs. I know.) But telling your child they have a full blown allergy because you have side effects that aren't fun isn't okay.
@@cexilady3333 some side effects can be initially benign but intensify over time. Constipation could signify an intolerance that increases every time. EG, I'm allergic to mangos. 1st time, it caused a slight tinglingling on my tongue. 3rd time, I had a horrible rash all over my face and my tongue and throat swelled. There's no reason to chance it
@@traciechakraborty3829allergies and intolerance aren't the same thing. Allergies can get worse over time and are important to know because they can be life-threatening. But they also have very specific symptoms (like the ones you describe) which do not match what the mother described. Intolerances can be very uncomfortable sure, but they don't necessarily get worse and they are not life-threatening. What mother describes does not fit with the symptoms of an allergy so there is no reason to think that that's what it was. Nor does it seem like she checked that with a medical professional. Nor would her child necessarily have the same reaction. Yes allergies should be taken seriously, but this is very different.
Being prone to allergies is genetic but specific allergies are not.
The mum also wasn’t even allergic, she was experiencing mild, common side effects
Ngl, the intro to that ad read was clean
Yeah, you're never the drama for reporting a crime that you're a victim of.
Does not matter who committed the crime, or what the crime is.
For the sulfa drugs, I agree NDH. However, there have been 18-22 years in which the OP was definitely old enough to get the more specific information about what the concern with sulfa drugs was (somewhere between 14-18 yo would have been the time that I would have expected to have more detail about that), speaks mostly to the two of them needing to have more conversations, and maybe OP needs to check in with their parent about some other things if they feel there is a lot of things they weren't given the full story about. Appreciate that isn't often easy, but we don't have enough detail know what else are going on.
I feel like this has come up before with Shaaba not understanding how big of a deal allergies are. Don't lie to doctors about a potentially very serious medical condition and don't make your kid lie to doctors abut them either. Mother is absolutely TA
What my allergist told me is that predisposition for allergies in general is very much genetic, but the individual allergies themselves are not. So for really common allergies like dust, pollen, some meds, some foods, etc, it can seem much more genetically specific than it really is. Basically, if a parent has a significant allergy, it is worth the effort to use caution when introducing new things to their children, but it's not necessary to avoid those things completely unless the child has also demonstrated a reaction.
I have the opposite story to the allergy story. I ended up in the ER once because of an allergic reaction to a painkiller. My mom's reaction was : "Ah, so you've inherited that allergy." I wanted to donate my blood, discovered I had a health issue, came back home to tell her about it, and she went : "Well of course, we've known for 10 years." She just didn't think I needed to know, apparently x)
Sulfa drugs are a subcategory of antibiotics. My husband actually had a similar experience to OP (although my MIL didn’t intentionally lie about it as far as we know, she just got confused.) So hubby went to the allergist and did the exposure challenge like OP described, and had no reaction whatsoever. As far as we can figure, he developed a rash the first time he was given amoxicillin as a child (which 90% of people do, and then it never happens again) and his mother somehow turned that into a sulfa allergy in her mind.
I had an ex-friend steal money from her child (then a teenager). Ex-friend for a good reason, and the now adult child is low contact.
On the credit card one, I would have done the same thing. Theft is theft, if you don't report it, they will do it again. Family or not. Lessons need to be learned. The mother did this to herself, no one else is responsible for her actions.
15:46 OP, you ARE keeping secrets from your daughter! She's not an idiot, she's a child, and if she's old enough to ask, she's old enough to get an answer.
Seriously, what OP here is doing is making her daughter resent her more, and favor her father. Because guess what, children like adults to take them seriously, who answer their questions instead of shutting the door on them. Children don't like it when adults treat them as lesser-than, and they also don't forget it. So if OP doesn't trust her daughter with this info, and isn't honest, she's gonna remember, and later in life not trust her mother.
I’m sure to lose something if I decide to put it somewhere ‘safe’!
why is this so relatable 🥲
re: sulfa drugs/antibiotics: I don't know about sulfa drugs specifically, but I've been told before that antibiotics can cause digestive issues as a fairly common side effect. Essentially the reasoning i was given was that the antibiotics aren't targeted, so while they kill the bacteria causing you issues, they also kill ALL the bacteria in your body. This includes the useful bacteria innvarious parts of your body, including your gut (intestines mostly i think). Those bacteria help you digest, so suddenly removing them can cause issues like constipation. Thankfully, taking probiotics or eating yogurt with live cultures can help alleviate these symptoms by replenishing those gut bacteria while the infection bacteria are being killed.
I developed an allergy to amoxicillin and that makes it so that if I do have some kind of infection, I might end up with an antibiotic that is not as effective as something in the cylin family. I don't know what sulfur drugs do or how the sulfur affects drugs. But she could have been using less effective medications. Then she possibly could have been using if the quote unquote regular ones would have been better.
Re: Story 3. My mom always said, “When you’re 35, I’ll write you a book about _____” whenever I asked about tricky family matters. She died when I was 22 and now those questions will never be answered. Do it im an age appropriate way, yes, but talk to your children (especially as they grow into adults).
Literally in the same boat with the Sulfa-Drugs allergy. My mom has always said to list Sulfa and Benzodiazepines, but whenever they ask "what happens" I have no idea what to say because I've avoided them for years! 😂
Just throwing it out there, as an IBS C girlie I do constantly make jokes about poop despite the condition lol. Of course it's all individual, but for me, I can still appreciate that it's something I can have a sense of humour about without it taking away from the pain, discomfort and very real impact on my day to day!
oh, boy. the mom with the credit card absolutely is the drama. wow... back in jail? yeah, no. I would keep those boundaries firmly. You can always drop charges later if she comes around and admits that she was in the wrong.
On the sulfa drugs: There are medical conditions that come with a negative reaction to sulfa drugs but are not actually allergies. I have one of them, so I know a bit about this. Many of them are genetic, so I would encourage both OP and her mother to speak to a medical professional and be open and honest about the entirety of the mother's reaction, and get tested to be sure they're not mistaking a more serious medical condition for a gastro allergy.
Just a s a note: sulfa is an ingredient. It also includes anything sort of sulfates. My Mom had a sulfa allergy and when her allergy got worse she had to use special sulfate free shampoos. A lot of foods that use sulfer as a preservative could make her super ill. She also couldn't take iron sulfate supplements. A Dr once prescribed her a med that contained sulfa and she nearly died.
With the allergies one, from what we're told, the mother ONLY told her child sulfur drugs. Not the ragweed or the dust mites, according to how the story went.
Just because there's sometimes a genetic component doesn't mean you give false info. I've experienced stuff like this with my own family, and it's caused harm. From the end where OP implied how this isn't the first time her mother did something like this, I don't blame her frustration and would consider going LC at least temporarily while she's pregnant and emotional, and she should get full panels of all tests done as an adult so she has info she can trust and not keep running to an unreliable source.
While the mom wasn't (likely) intending harm, harm could've been done and OP was lucky nothing bad occurred. Sure, there were alternative drugs, but saying someone isn't the drama because "no harm, no foul" isn't something I can personally jive with.
A sulfa allergy is usually pretty significant. I have one child with a sulfa allergy. Unfortunately it’s a type of antibiotics that is very effective against some stubborn bugs so if you can’t use it it’s pretty significant.
Both my parents were allergic to penicillin. My father had an anaphylactic reaction. We were told to say that we’re allergic to penicillin, and I did, until I saw an otolaryngologist for chronic sinus infection who questioned me. He sent me an allergist who prescribed penicillin. I was terrified, but took it. No problem. This was hugely beneficial for me, as I’m actually allergic to Sulfa drugs (which is a category of antibiotics).
I thought “lost” was going to be “i pretended to lose.” That was way more chill
I totally relate to the “I put this somewhere safe but I don’t remember where that is” thing. Also I once changed my rings to another finger in my sleep, lol.
For story 2, I am allergic to sulfa drugs. I got hives from one as a kid. No doctor has ever suggested I may have outgrown them. I think they are easy enough to avoid.
i’m so used to these that the ad did not surprise me bc the title of the aita post wasn’t in the video; i had to skip back to check i didn’t miss it😂😂
Regarding the ring, I actually think he had a family dinner or something, and realizes someone was going to ask about the ring, perhaps to see it. So he panicked, then when he had to see them sans ring, concocted a lie about her stealing it.
hihi this is probably the most early i have ever been :D
also about the divorce thing and the child asking about it,
i'm 17 and my parents divorced when i was 2, i still have not been told basically anything about the reasonings, idk if i ever will, tho i havent really asked either
Secrets mom is the drama. If the child has questions, she should get answers appropriate for her age. Mom is openly inviting mistrust from her daughter by staying quiet. Also, who says dad isn't providing child-friendly answers? There's no proof that he's sharing adult information with her. At least he's saying something!
Idk, there's a lot of outcomes based on the circumstances of the divorce, but ultimately, mom should figure out how to answer her child's questions in an appropriate way. Based on what was said in the post when OP said that after a while her daughter revealed what she learned from her dad, she probably asked dad specifically because mom refused to answer. Children want answers and they're going to ask around until one is given. Mom brought this on herself. You're the drama, mom!
Its not over dramatic to press charges on someone who has LITERALLY stolen from you, family or not
I think the piece about calling a reaction an allergy in a medical context is a really challenging and nuanced question. I think it depends on the drug and the reaction, and I don’t know enough about the drug class OP is describing to form an opinions. But, I have requested a specific drug (compazine) be listed as an allergy on my medical records, even though my reaction to it is not technically an allergy, nor is it life threatening. Compazine is an anti-nausea drug that I was given in the ER when I came in severely dehydrated with a stomach bug. Note that I was fully an adult, and my mom was there with me. Within five minutes of the receiving IV compazine, I felt the most intense panic of my entire life-and I get panic attacks. Something felt extremely wrong, and I started trying to get out of bed and was trying to pull my IVs out. The nurse came rushing back in, and my mom had to hold me down while they gave me a bunch of Benadryl to calm me down. Apparently, it’s a known possible side effect of the drug in certain people. First of all, I absolutely never want to feel that way again, it was horrific. And also, it definitely was more work for the nurses, who would have had to restrain me and put a new IV in before I tore off my clothes and ran into the parking garage if my mom hadn’t been there. But the thing that really sealed it for me that I would put it down as an allergy was when my mother remarked a few days later that my great-aunt, who currently has late stage Alzheimer’s, also has compazine as an allergy on her medical record. Probably she has had a similar reaction, not an allergy. But if it wasn’t on her medical record as an allergy, she easily would have been given it multiple times in the nursing home-and she wouldn’t be capable of telling them why not to. Her pain and irrational behavior would probably be written off as symptoms of the disease. So, compazine will definitely remain on my allergy list!
My son’s medical history lists allergies to dairy and soy- but he’s not allergic, just intolerant, and his GI doctor entered them that way so there would be no chance that he would accidentally be served a meal containing either ingredient during an inpatient stay.
Every new doctor he sees, I explain this, and they all want his chart to stay the way it is.
Just because something won’t kill you doesn’t mean there aren’t reasons to never expose yourself to it. It’s absolutely fair to have an “allergy” listed to something that will do more harm than good for you.
I'm older, plus being a care giver to someone who has adult ADHD, and other issues, so it's very easy for me to get distracted about where I put things. Whenever I have to put something "in a safe place" I will say it out loud where I'm putting it. Then I hear it back, and so does the other person. Since i started doing that, there has been no stress about where the safe thing is. Maybe you could try that.
I don't really think the allergy one is no drama... While negative symptoms can be similar to allergies and vice versa in some ways, there is a huge difference between the two, and one can have significantly worse outcomes. Headache and constipation/tummy issues are listed on 90% of all medicine as side effects (Source: trust me - I don't actually know the correct number, so feel free to correct me) even stuff you don't even think about like nasal spray for a common cold has headache and tummy issues as side effects. I think it's perfectly fine to avoid specific drugs if you have bad experiences with them but calling it an allergy is far from right and causes a burden on OP because it's really important that she tells everyone about it as the outcome could be really severe compared to etc. constipation...
ADHD Chaos here too. I am off my meds for a while now due to ongoing shortage in UK and I find my stuff in the most ridicules places. After searching for my mobile for the whole day, I noticed that I had left the cheese out this morning and when I put it away just now, I found my phone in the fridge. I'm definitely phoning my pharmacy again tomorrow (if I remember).
I can understand why the person in the second story felt angry at their mother. If I found out I was telling a lie to my doctors about a fake allergy (That the mom doesn't even have, just an adverse side effect) I'd be also pretty mad. The mom could have gotten her or her child tested instead of instructing them to lie to medical professionals. It's not harmless considering she is now pregnant and unsure which drugs she can take, that might have benefited her.
First OP could be me, what with ADHD and putting stuff "somewhere safe" and then forgetting where I've put it.
My mum always held the ideal of 'if they're old enough to ask, they're old enough to get an age-appropriate answer' with us kids.
this feels like a good rule of thumb!
For the last story, if OP had waited very long to press charges on their mother... I'm pretty sure the mom could use that as a defense for the charges? Talking her way into sounding like OP had consented at first then changed their mind? I think considering the context info we were given OP did exactly the right thing.
10:29 yeah, my mum is allergic to latex and bees, so my sister and I have always said we have a latex allergy when in a medical setting because allergies are genetic and it’s better to just not test it, idk what op is upset about
As a child from divorced parents, I do think the mom not telling her child something about the divorce is dramaish. You should never underestimate your kids. I do understand not going into the creepy, strange, painful details, but it is possible to explain the intricacies and difficulties of relationships while offering safety and reassurance to their kid. Of course, I wouldn't trust my mom if she hadn't believed I could handle a little truth. I've always been grateful I got a somewhat clear picture of how things went wrong with my parents (I was 7). The dad of course seems manipulative, but the fact that the child's mother is not taking the time to show she considers their child as still affected and as its own person will be completely detrimental to her growth and confidence.
Lolz "helping" her would require a conversation that was "taking advantage of". which is the same issue in the borrowing situation "borrowing" absent of any interaction/notice is...just stealing
What I am worried about with the last one is if OP hadn't pressed charges or spoken to the bank, and it was found that the mum was money washing. Would OP get into trouble?
The thing is, while the tendency to develop allergies is genetic, precisely WHAT one may be allergic to is generally not. It would have been more responsible for your mother to tell the doctors, "I had a reaction to [insert specific drug here], so I would prefer to avoid sulfa drugs if at all possible, at least until they are older." There are very few infections that can be treated ONLY with sulfa drugs. And then, when you DO try sulfa drugs, you talk to the doctor about having benadryl ready when taking it so you can slow any reaction while you get to the ER.
I have a severe GI reaction to azithromycin. I tell every one of my doctors, "If it is the only thing that will be effective against the infection I have, give it to me, but you will need to check me into the hospital, put me on an IV drip to keep me hydrated with adequate electrolytes, and give me anti-nausea medicine. GI intolerances are serious, but not the same as an allergy that produces asthma or hives or anaphylaxis.
23:02 OPs actions may have been harsh, and I agree that maybe waiting the day is best. But then those charges were like clothes and fast food. That couldn’t wait the day or however long till payday? That and the backstory makes it hard to trust the mom.
The sulfa based medication hits close to home. I have a twin sister allergic to the same thing. My mom would always say to me to say we both had it because she was worried I would have it too. We a fraternal twins and the chances I have the allergy is slim but because there is alternatives its never been a factor in my life to say I have that allergy. I even explain all that to my doctors and they understand. I agree NDH
Sulpher drugs are not a brand, but a type, like antibiotics, or antihistameans
I lost my engagement ring for awhile when I was cooking and doing dishes. My husband ended up finding it a few days later in our veggie drawer in the fridge. Lol. Didn't think to check there!
Only 2 1/2 mins in, and I'm already pausing the video to post this, because when I saw "AITA for losing my wedding ring" I felt uncomfortably seen.
I won't be insulted if folks are skeptical...either that NONE OF THIS WAS INTENTIONAL or that it happened at all...I can only offer my very pained assurance that both those things are true.
A few years after my husband and I were married we went to a music event we were wildly excited about--bands we really liked that didn't tour the US much at all were all gathering for a special festival. Anyway, festival happened and was amazing, and the first show we went to I applauded so much my fingers started swelling and I had to take off my wedding and engagement rings and put them in my flannel shirt pocket (yes, it was the '90s, how'd you guess).
After the show I went to put my rings back on, but only my wedding ring was in my pocket--my engagement ring was nowhere to be found. Not caught in the shirt, not on the floor, not on the chair, not ANYWHERE. We looked and looked and looked and left our information with the venue manager in case anyone turned it in...but long story short, I never found it again.
About a year after that, preparing to take a shower, I took off my wedding ring and put it on the shelf over our toilet as I'd done hundreds of times before. (I just did, OK?) And...when I came out of the shower, it was gone. Wasn't on the shelf, wasn't on the floor, wasn't on any of the other shelves, wasn't even in the toilet bowl (yeah, I looked :P). Never saw it again.
Years later, for our 25th anniversary, my husband got me a beautiful silver and emerald ring that I loved, and I immediately started wearing it in place of the rings I'd lost. It was a trifle big on my finger, and I meant to get it resized, but kept not getting around to it.
Around that same time, though I didn't know what it was yet, I was developing a herniated disc in my upper spine that made the outermost two fingers on my left hand go numb. And one day, refilling my coffee in the middle of the afternoon at work, I realized the ring was gone. Just gone. I retraced ALL my steps all over my office building, the post office and cafe where I'd stopped over my lunch hour, ALL over my car--it was just *gone*, slipped off my finger and vanished.
My husband, it must be said, has been positively angelic in the face of all this. He never once got angry or blamed me, especially that last time. But I strongly suspect I won't be getting any more rings in the future.
Yeah I don't have IBS but I have a decade long eating disorder that's played absolute havoc on my guts, constipation can be a lot more severe than a lot of people assume, like days of debilitating stomach cramps and chugging coffee to try and get it out 🙄
No, I'm sorry, even treating the credit card one as an isolated incident - someone steals my card, I'm going to the police. I don't care if I know them or not.
For the third story, I just want to point out that if someone is asking to borrow money, or if I ever needed to borrow money from someone it would be an exact amount to pay an unexpected expense. Ie. If I got a puncture and needed a new tyre for my car... They're expensive, hey can you heelp kind of thing. What the mum did here was ask for $500, and then spent it on fast food and clothes (according to OP who saw where it was being spent). That really doesn't warrent a need to put someone out by a large sum... She's obviously been in jail before, the mum ignored the boundaries being set by OP, trust was broken, yep, call the cops. No need for it to be in relation to a previous crime or a 'one time thing' if my mum did that I'd be distraught.