Key Principles of Self Assertiveness and Overcoming "People Pleaser" Syndrome
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- เผยแพร่เมื่อ 6 ต.ค. 2013
- Sam Vaknin Richard Grannon Seminar Liverpool March 2019 "How to Manipulate the Narcissist or Psychopath"
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I used to think "If i'm nice they'll like me", how naïve of me. It was a weak mindset and it's bait for toxic people; they see an easy prey on you.
You have nailed it; thanks for writing so succinctly. Absolute truth.
***** I don't like these conforming
types of people. I like real people, & they are rare
Qonita Badeges when I worked with children with special needs in the general school system I watched again and again how the authentic child, whether in my classroom or in the general school population was punished by peers AND adults for being "real." Our culture has no interest in "real" people. It was a lot of work to go against the grain and stand up for our kids or call other teachers out when this happened.
I am real in the world and it means whenever I am in a mainstream environment (not artists, techies, and academics where I normally hang out) I am an outsider. Adults in those environments (my brother's suburban community for example) use every non-verbal communication method they have at their disposal to make sure I understand that I am NOT welcome, that they find me objectionable. I remain friendly and positive and concentrate on the children who may be present, until they get over it, but authenticity is rare because it is relentlessly punished.
tahiyamarome this is so true - and the "others" (not the toxics and not the people pleasers) what are they? And why do they feel insecure toward real? Adults are same as those children too - I really agree - great point.
tahiyamarome Very true. A lot of so called "teachers" leave a lot to be desired. Read "The Empathy Trap" wher it identifies the Sociopaths: The Apaths. 60% of people are Apaths. Most people are Indifferent: They don't give a damn about themselves never mind you!! Yes Apaths are largely Flaming Titheads especially the ones who undermine you.
"Their opinion of me is really not any of my business. And about 90 percent about them anyways" That is very, very true and well put.
Where is this People pleaser Syndrome course please??
This course is one of the best!!!!
Being naive can be a sign of a pure heart and that is a good thing, but when you live in a world of sheep and some sheep are wolves in sheeps clothing you need to be more smart instead of naive. I want to live in a world of people that are naive with a pure heart but I'm also a realist and know that is a pipe dream. Don't stop caring and loving others, but know that when you see evil make sure you stay far away from it !!!
Nick Bargas "Behold, I send you out as sheep in the midst of wolves; so be shrewd as serpents and innocent as doves."
Nick Begas....DITTO!!!!
Wolves? They serve the shepherds. Some even know there are 3 sorts, sheep, wolves and sheepdogs. No one says there are four, and presents it like you can choose to be a shepherd too.
If people pleasers continue to allow themselves to be used by others, their anger, bitterness and resentment will eventually come out in negative ways. It is like a pressure cooker. The codependent person should just get out of all caregiving relationships with people that are capable of taking care of themselves and set themselves free.
We are not designed to be the welfare office or a bank.
Absolutely!! Emily Liberty
WORD
Amen
I'm researching the theory that most people in jail are there after responding to narcissistic (narstie) abuse of some sort or origin. Narsties are good at not getting caught, and or painting a more flattering picture of themselves in court. The victims are mostly just confused at what's happening. It's time to out narsties as the abusive anti-social criminals they are. Unfortunately, narsties are a popular breed in America.
I was not put on this earth to be a life support system for another able bodied human.
Agree. I think that the core hallmark of CPTSD-people pleaser syndrom is a deep and overwhelming emotion of unworthiness. That unworthiness comes from the fact that in a (c)overt narcissistic environment your authenticity is openly blamed or worse systematically ignored. This forces you to reject your authentic self in order to be accepted by your parents and/or siblings (who by the way employ also double-bind communication to confuse you even more). This is the context in which emotional codependence comes into existence. You reject yourself and you develop an attachment to that self-rejection because from that self-rejection depended your emotional survival. That is the reason why these emotions of unworthiness are so strongly ingrained and so difficult to disentangle from.
That is incredibly insightful and it feels so true for me. What is the antidote to the attachment to the self rejection? To love ones's self?
Any solutions?
Thank you. This is exactly how it has been. Very calming to read this.
Wow...I have literally spent the last 6 ish hours watching your various videos...Thank you so much for spending your time helping people.
thankyou for taking the time Andrea
in case my email is failing me again like last time I wanted to let you know through a different way that I need to set up a session with you for Tuesday if I could. ... please
You really like self-help. You're my kind of person!
Me too, very informative indeed.
martin beale yep
I hate pissing people off, I am overly agreeable, and I use 'being-nice' as a defence mechanism. When in conflict, I show visible signs of nerves, which makes me even more vulnerable, my mind goes blank, and I let people boss me around. I feel a surge of embarrassment when I try to stand up for myself, I don't know where this comes from. This little video really struck a chord with me, in an almost uncanny way.
same
Me too. I also use being nice to keep people at a distance. I hate confrontation, I always end up crying and shaking when I'm angry
You just described me to a tee.
I'm 6'4 and big, but my single parent npd mother was my first bully, and taught me to just accept irrational and unjust behavior towards me.
I turned into a massive people pleaser, and verbal confrontation just did something to my brain, Now I understand the fight or flight feeling I would get in those situations reminded me of the angst I felt with my mother.
I even developed two voices, my natural deep voice, and my "no mother i have zero aggression in my soul" soft voice.
I have been so locked into showing no assertion, and not being labeled as "throwing my weight around" that even though I no longer care what people think about me, and getting used to doing what I want, when I want.
I still get the massive anxiety of not correcting people, feeding exploitative narcissists, and just not standing up for my self.
I am working on my breathing and control and just saying no, or manifesting my will into the universe.
and in regards to the physical violence, If needed I could totally decimate people. However I don't enjoy hurting people, I prefer logical arguments, but i think I have built a machine into my head where it is okay to harm someone if they push me too far, and I have given then 2 or 3 warnings, or chances to drop the issue, a switch turns off and I just break bones. I just need to incorporate the monster, like hey monster hang out on my shoulder everything is cool. instead of locking him in a cage, letting people piss him off, for an unreasonable amount of time, then swinging open the doors to deal with the situation in a brutal manner
I understand. I wish I could meet you
Hell ye
Self love requires you to prefer dying for your own happiness over any one else's, more than sacrificing your happiness out of fear in exchange for the "privilege" of being a good validated tool or dog for complying to the needs of the narcissist and putting their needs and happiness ahead of their own.
OMG....the way this is worded....HIT IT THE nail in the head....that is it...its like they make you feel its a privilege...for being good ( good being compliant)
That's it! but for myself it's easier said than done.
yes!
Ring ring ring you win.
God helps
Every time I listen to your talks I feel like this drainage system in my brain activated. Good job!
Agreed
One of the few people on youtube addressing problems with personality disorders who actually comes off as having a healthy psychology himself imo.
Gama Isora And mine, too. He's the best!
My only problem after taking your course is I can't stop running the song "It's my life" by Bon Jovi through my head. :)
"This is for the people who stood their ground..." Yeah!!!!
I kick but now... Thank you, Richard Gannon! YES!!!!!!
Yes, that one and I Don't Care Anymore by Phil Collins.
I took the self-assertiveness course about 6 months ago and must say that it changed my life!! I did follow the affirmations instructions and it did sink in!! It took me a lot of strength but the result was massively positive!! Thank you!!!
Jefferson Lerias, nice
yoo what course did you take?
Rahim spartanlifecoach . Com
I need this help to be assertive
What's the cost of the course?
Hands down the greatest find on TH-cam. I'm in overwhelm of how much all your videos have already enlightened me and helped me through what I have dealt with and am now trying to get through. I've just begun on watching your videos. I look forward to your tutorial courses as well, once I get there. I have a feeling I will be forever grateful for this information. LIFE CHANGING!!!!! Thank you
AGREE AND AM STUNNED EXCITED!!!
Kirst I Could not agree more. How fortunate we are!
I'm 74 years old worked my ass off all my life I was raised by a loving totalitarian my dad he was a good man do you have to go back and its history and see Horry came from. I am a recovering people pleaser and I was a journeyman people-pleaser and it's cost me everything in life that you work for and I attracted people like a moth to fire and I was always helping them doing things for them unconsciously and now I live in a van with my dog my new rule of thumb is less is more Open Country and sunshine and I wished I had a found these conversations 40 years ago I grew up functionally illiterate unable to read right meaning spell xcetera. My head to this day is this stuff full of shit but I'm still a strong old bastard but it's refreshing to have this stuff in front of me and I understand I'm still able. Thanks for letting me rant I am a recovering self-confessed people pleaser could totally exist and it hides from you blurs the lines of right and wrong giving and helping horribly.
I was so programmed into learned helplessness and being controlled that when I finally got my own home, I'm looking around like a child; who upon doing something thinks," Omg! Wait, I'm not going to get in trouble?!" My brain's still acclimating.
I'm single and 50 I still catch myself thinking that way sometimes. For example, like if I buy 6 pack of beer every once in awhile I'll catch myself opening the fridge and then about to open the produce drawer to hide it under the lettuce and I'm like, wait a minute why do I feel the need to hide this? I'm not going to get into trouble by my parents.
So I finanlly found someone out there who perfectly puts together my childhood experiences, frames them in an intellectual AND emotional meaning and helps me to no longer suffer with fragments. Because some of these fragments became meaningful parts for me now. Thank you.
+Mara Sa Ditto only you put it in a more eloquent way than I could articulate.
Dear lad , I would like to thank you so much , for the first time in 15 years I stood up for myself
And told my oldest child I'm not your doormat and you will no longer hit me or yell at me or call all the nasty words in the book .
She had borderline NPD . And I will no longer allows her to hurt me or our other kids at home 🏡.
It's not my job to take her abuse .
I'm a nice and kind mummy I know who I'm and what I do for the kids . Now I know what Is my value. Thank you sweet boy . From a strong mummy 🦋Lilly
I want to thank you from the bottom of my heart. You and Sam Vaknin have opened my eyes to a whole new world/ME. That I DO and CAN live outside of the narc's life.....and go on STRONGER. I have been put down and ignored for almost an 8 year marriage to realize it was all a lie.
This is my goal for 2014, to work on assertiveness and overcome the "doormat syndrome". Your videos are really good, thanks for making them and please keep sharing your insights.
any update? :)
Like a cool drink of water after traversing the desert alone. So grateful for the gifts you bring here. So grateful to see others as well and not feel so lonely in this.
Georgia Heard Agree 100+%
Just listening to you makes me more assertive. Fortunately I discovered my people-pleasing tendencies a while ago and have been working on it since. However, your way of talking about it is giving me good energy and understanding to continue this incredibly important work. Without integrity we cannot live our lives fully and that what this is about...
I'm a people pleaser. Well until last year, and I actively sought to understand and started speaking up for myself, and saying what I won't accept, and here's my boundaries, I lost most people who where in my life, they didn't like me being assertive,one even called me a narcissist, first time I've been called it in my life, so I took an online test, and realised, I have zero boundaries, I scored so low in narcissism I'm a complete whoose. So now I'm trying to understand myself, and by doing so seeing what I have to change in not only myself, but what I will not accept from anyone else. You're really helping. Thank you
This is sooo true. I was raised by a very rigorous and strict father, and my mother is a bit tactless making her insulting at times. Consequently, I see the truths here. I just recently found myself apologising to my boss for my obvious fever and bronchitis. I asked for a day off. Sure enough...the shark circled and he just made me feel worse and even more guilty. So in turn, I must have apologised 10 times - just for being sick.
This is intention from society.
I have scorpio moon = abusive , neglectful, erratic mother
And pisces rising = very sensitive and hates critism and moody and need more sleep than other people and suffer from Bronchitis because has frail health and very sensitive to high and low temperature.
-> i become neurotic and pisces rising is very naive and impressionable under the influence scorpio moon.
Because of that I am only a people pleaser.
I am the scapegoat of my family. Where you can work now ??
Because of my horoscope I have to be a teacher -> people pleaser.
When I am sick or I get late -> not so bad, because I am an official and I get my money.
Any man who tries to be good all the time is bound to come to ruin among the great number who are not good. Hence a prince who wants to keep his authority must learn how not to be good, and use that knowledge, or refrain from using it, as necessity requires.
Niccoló Machiavelli
+Антон Ануфриев
You might like this:
"Mankind's dishonest; if you think it fair
Among known cheats to play upon the square,
You'll be undone.
Nor can weak truth your reputation save:
The knaves will all agree to call you knave.
Wronged shall he live, insulted o'er, oppressed,
Who dares be less a villain than the rest."
Earl of Rochester
+Антон Ануфриев If only I learned this in childhood
+RICHARD GRANNON SPARTANLIFECOACH basically dont be afraid to speak your mind , but not out of hate , but honesty, and to increase awareness, because if somebody hates you for speaking the truth, who's the real villian ? , but on the other hand nobody's perfect ,so what right do i have to pick holes in other peoples flaws
+fshfrghedht64 and also isit even truth that we speak, or isit simply just an arbitrary assumption that we've made?
fshfrghedht64
Wow that one was a triumph! I had to keep stopping the video because huge enormous realizations came to pass! God...thank you so much ...I struggled with this for years. Your knowledge was bracing and brilliant, both ..bit of alliteration for you as well.
Cheryl Graham Yes. He cannot be topped in my opinion. A true warrior ! So lucky.
Cheryl Graham Love me some aliteration. - from a fellow..Graham
I'm the Scapegoat and I'm going thru hell and it all started setting boundaries. Being an EMPATH / HIGHLY SENSITIVE I'm pissed they rehuse to understand how bad they have hurt me. I just will not take it
We have to get over it..to have peace and move on..they will never get it..they're in denial
You don't have to take it. Good for you. They will never get it. F*** them!!!
Richard, as someone who got into martial arts myself for the very (subconscious) reasons as you reveal in this video I can't thank you enough for you talking of this and other issues. I often asked the same question to myself: what good is it that I can (potentially) tear someone apart if I still can't ask for a different dish in a restaurant. Still, MA are good for many aspects of life, but real change must happen within, where it really hurts to change. And as a divorced father I deal with many things you mention daily, parenting the self as much as the child. But yeah, it works, as long as you stay really alert to your pitfalls (especially when physically tired.)
If I had money I would give some to you, sadly I lived as the outcast shaman for long and am only now recovering balance and sanity at 38, and riches are not to be found on that path ;). But thank you, you are spot on in your insights, your approach and your attitude. Thumbs up!
To hear someone articulate questions I have had for the past year and answer them so insightfully is life changing. I always go "I cant believe this person did this?". hahaha thanks
Me too. I think it's one of the most common phrases that I frequently repeat. It's hard to reconcile and actualize the stunning degree to which my naiveté is dysfunctionally askew.
THIS VIDEO CHANGED MY LIFE. THANK YOU RICHIE. U RULE. 😉☺
ARE YOU:
1...NAIVE?
2...EXCESSIVELY CONSCIOUSNESS?
3...ADDICTED TO THE APPROVAL OF OTHERS?
IF U R A CONSTANT, REPEATED TARGET FOR ABUSE AND EXPLOTATION, YOU ARE A PEOPLE PLEASER SYNDROME. (ALSO PROBABLY CO DEPENDENCY) 1. reality is: people are mean, not everyone is good. sometimes being a "good girl" is being able to judge people who are bad. As a healthy adult, you have to judge. 2. reality is it is ok to break a unconscious rule and your body will fight the unconscious rule.reality is you get the same assertive right to have my time and my full day in court. your point is just as valuable as the other point. justice is your right. reality is people don't care of fairness or explotation, taking you for granted. the same rules should apply to them as they are applied to you.
3. reality is to teach yourself to self approve. I don't have to foster everyone else's feelings; it's not realistic to give your whole self to make everyone approve of your behaviors. others opinion of you are none of your business and you will not care about others opinions of you. the only approval you need is from yourself. you are leaving youself open to explotation.
reality is: Identify you have a problem. Hypnosis, Affirmations. you must negotiate with your inner child. Learn to say NO, NO, AND NO. I DO NOT CONSENT TO YOUR BEHAVIOR. I DID NOT CONSENT TO YOUR NASTY BEHAVIOR AND YOU WILL NOT DO THIS TO ME AGAIN. As a healthy adult, you must be able to deal with verbal conflict; it is a part of life to stop people taking advantage of you, abusing you, etc. You are still worthy if you never help anyone ever again. You must alter your negative thoughts and immediately replace them with positive. You need to learn to feel good about self assertive. you have a right to live a happy, healthy life!! It is your right to be free. All emotions should be felt; good and bad. All emotions good and bad are going to be felt ....I am sorry that it makes you feel uncomfortable, but that's your problem/feelings, not mine. Because I am I and you are you. I have boundaries and if you cross those boundaries, I will fight for my rights. BE AWARE OF WHAT BEHAVIOR IS GOING ON. BE AWARE OF YOUR ACTIONS. Are you doing something just to please others and ensure everyone else is happy?
Thanks for this video. Discovering my right to want what I want and not be responsible for the problems of others was life changing for me.
this guy is my new hero!!!
#truestory ✨🌟✨💖✨😊✨🙌✨👊✨
Such a perfect clip, thankyou. The saying 'the truth hurts, but it also sets you free' is something I use always. Reality is reality is reality etc we can't fix everything in life and the world isn't a disney movie. And I don't mean to sound like a downer however there are so many fantastic things we miss withing ourselves when we live in a world of 'what if's', 'the right one', 'one day' ingrained thought patterns we miss what's right in front of us in the moment. And honestly it makes me feel sad watching people not live in the moment and forget what really makes your heart and soul full.
This video, like your channel, is fantastic. I had a thought when you brought up being able to easily say no to people at work. I have found it very easy to assert myself if I'm doing it on behalf of someone else, like an employer or a landlord. I'm fulfilling my duty towards another, rather than asserting any kind of need for myself, ergo, I'm "blameless."
Albert einstien once said :"graete spirits have always encountered violent oppositions from mediocore minds".(and thats why your videos are so important ).
I finished the whole course, and did it all on my iPhone. It's the best money I've ever spent. Ever.
what an awesome testimonial, thanks so much, glad you enjoyed the material and that it helped. Now I need to look up that Bon Jovi track to get it out of MY head ;)
My narcissist ex even devalued my kindness towards his flaws. He said, "sometimes I think you are some kind of Jesus" with a mocking tone. I said, "not my style of sandal".
That made him dissolve into giggles
Alex Parry Journalist and Dancer hahahaha that is funny
I think from a personal point of view that confrontation/ conflict can stir up such fear relating to consequences of past experiences with abusers and narcissists that we tend to freeze. That's my own personal experience from growing up with a violent narcissistic father. I often look for ways and strategies to overcome this but it seems that the fear in the situation just blanks my thoughts. I wish I could have a little internal data base of sentences that I could use in certain situations where I feel verbally inept rather thank just saying nothing and then thinking afterwards what I could and should have said! I really need to have a little book that I could refer to and memorise for certain situations to effectively cut them down or shut them up! Any suggestions as this troubles me greatly. I also think you are amazing.🌻🌞
Yes, I've often said I wish I had a little rolodex for certain situations and conflicts. I totally get what you're saying.
Thank you for this. The Bible verses and prayers didnt help this. It just made me feel worse and it didnt help to issue on a practical level. I have been labeled and exploited by some people in the church to be their "church school project" and I just fell right into this position and answered their selective intrusive questions that was used to fit their label. They were'nt interested in getting to know me. I held back my instinct to say "none of your business" and answered almost uncontrollably. And now I'm angry that I did this and want to undo it but its too late. I also dont want my assertiveness to be in a rage, but matter of fact. And you answered this. I need this kind of help. I will be looking into your teachings on this! Maybe this was an answer to prayer. Lol.
I finally told my mother to stop ridiculing me in front of my husband.
Me: mom, please stop doing that it makes me feel bad.
Mom: you poor girl. Oh poor you!
Me: VERY FIRMLY SAID: NO. Mom, please stop it. Just stop.
Her jaw dropped and conversation over. One of the best days of my life. Sounds pathetic, but my narcissistic parents are hard for ANYONE to be around.
I'm the one outsider in my family. Everyone else adores my parent. Very confusing and crazy making
Cognitive dissonance are the words that keep coming up in my head as I listen to you talk about these unspoken rules, the confusion, and the visceral reactions that accompany running up against all of it. Thank you for encapsulating this!! Very helpful!
Simply an incredible Listen! Hits the bullseye for me my friend! Thank you ever so much for Posting!
I’m always being made fun of from being naive .Struggle with saying no , and dislike confrontation to stand up for myself . Recently realized Mum a narcissist . You know ... I think deep down honestly even now at my age 48 yrs and just being woken up to this information its fantastic !,, very painful and brave to take the road less travelled
No one will ever know or feel your own personal struggle but bless you Richard for your passion and knowledge,I can feel your connection to your your great work
I'm 39 . Im ready to live..yes it is scary..I'm completely alone and healing
This was the first video of yours that I watched a few years ago, and I keep coming back to it. I was really discouraged and now I am a very different person...I am much happier and I am very grateful to you and your hard work of getting this great information out to those of us who need it. xxoo
I've been listening to your videos most evenings for the past 3 or 4 weeks. I no longer recognise myself! I'm saying no to people, I'm calling a spade a spade. I'm so going to buy your full course. And I'm going to use the Christmas money I'm guaranteed to get from my covert narc mother to buy it. Love, love, love the irony! Thank you for so many laughs as I listen to you. Fantastic stuff!!!
Spartan life coach! Spartan life coach! You are delightful and insightful! Going where no man have gone before!
Gratitude for your work and channel is all your getting!
I have been tragically ignorant to the amount of time that these situations have controlled my life! Your videos have been my strength coupled with counseling & my children in growing & moving forward from my abusive relationship. Thank you so much for doing this!
Over the last couple of years, your perspective and wisdom is astonishing, particularly from a Freudian sense, I can relate to many things you say. Thank you for helping me and helping others. More power to you!
I'm excellent at using agreeableness to avoid conflicts and make people like me so that I am not targetted. However, I may have attracted as closer companions folks who are dreadfully scared of being confronted as a consequence. Still evolving out of it.
I'm blown away by how much of the content of your videos describes me. You've helped me realize some very important issues I struggle with. My whole life has been adversely affected by a psychological stunting; an inability to mature and be a self confident, interactively social person.
I'm trying to grow from these ailments; recognize the false beliefs and improper wiring, as they happen. At 51 years of age, I still hold tight to adolescent mantras and childish reactionisms.
WOW - You are spot on! These videos are so therapeutic. I sincerely thank you for the topics you cover.
i can't get enough of your videos, just not enough time to view them all....but you are spot on about a lot of things, my psychologist doesn't help me as much as you do...you help me see things and believe in new & good things...keep posting...
The piece of the healing puzzle I'd been needing was understanding more about my experiences in relation to attracting current bullies and becoming more self assertive. Your channel is like "Woah! Here's all that stuff you've been looking for! And wait, a whole lot more!" Thank you so much! So grateful for this week! It's been incredible to sit in my front seat, parked under a tree, enjoying the Southern California summer, listening to your channel and realizing those blocks I feel are real, and they're not me procrastinating my success. Cause I kept trying to dig out of myself the real fucking reason I feel like I build things and stop before completion. I get mad at myself for procrastinating, but not really feeling like I was procrastinating. Whenever your next seminar is I hope I get to be there! #healer
You have a brilliant way of communicating. Thank you for this excellent channel on YT. All the best
Hahah..."learn to palm the pads even harder than ever before!" you really are a modern angel, thank you sharing your knowledge and lucidity so freely.
I think I should watch this one 3 times. Thanks you for your amazing talks. Just discovered them.
WOW!!!!! I just turned 60, and you have nailed some of my story. Walking on egg shells, so maybe my abusive parent wouldn't notice me. During my life, so many people have told me how very sweet and kind I am. It hasn't been until the last few years, that I have taken a stand for myself for the most part. thank you.!!!!!! (And I always worked so very hard at my jobs, in my home, etc., so I realize now, it goes back to not wanting to make a mistake that my parent would have yelled at me for not doing it right. Then my other parent would get up very early on Sat. mornings and leave the 3 of us at home (Sneak away) to my grandparents' home because I learned in my 40's that she was not loved like her pretty sister was. So, instead of spending her off time with us on Sats., she was off to get the love from her parents that she didn't when she was growing up. Can't wait to hear more. The icing on the cake was I had the mother in law from hell!!!!!!!
Just for the record I went to bed listening to you walk up listening to you .something changed in me . Thank you so much for helping people. Thank you 🦋Lilly
I'm definitely going to buy this course- your information has been very helpful for me x
Thanks so much for this video. I've watched many of your videos and they are all so helpful. I really appreciate your down to earth 'real' approach. Thank you.
So spot on with what is going on in my life right now! Really comforting to get the right advice and encouragement.
For some reason, this video gave me a revelation that seems unrelated. I realize that people pleasing could come from being trained by the abuse family dynamic to be hyper vigilant about "others" and their moods, feelings, and well-being. Also, we are often taught in these circumstances that it is improper, to not help the family tiptoe around the head abuser. I found that I often felt intense sadness at the thought of anything bad happening to my abuser. I think abusers and their enablers or what have you, transmit that you should feel sympathy for the poor abuser. I was the stand up to it person, but also extremely compassionate to the point that it causes me a lot of annoyance in my life to this day. To the point that I can tell when certain neighbors I have get high because I get a funny taste in my mouth, a bad smell around my nose, and an unpleasant dizziness. The point is that I think we are trained to take on other people's emotions.
I haven't watched your videos for about a year, and thanks to the change in TH-cam's algorithms it doesn't suggest your videos. I searched this one specifically, and you are right about the potential to change people's lives completely that this work holds. I want to thank you specifically for talking about Pete Walker's CPTSD book (in another video), because I then bought it, and it has taken me quite far. The 'therapeutic flashbacks' he says occur (and DO occur) when you challenge the people-pleasing scripts in your psyche are really horrific to experience, but I think they are worth it. Thank you for your work.
I could listen to you all day
missFindlesticks I know the feeling!
after my breakdown, this is one of the videos that changed my breakdown to my breakthrough...LIFE CHANGING!!!!
Nailed it 👍🏼 very helpful as always. If we are conscious of our own traits relative to being exploited, once we are self aware of it is that particular trait then not irrelevant because we have recognised it it would now become a self defensive trait. The continual problem is that people use many Tricks to exploit us, so can never overcome - always on alert - more self aware of another's methods and intentions.
Great Video Richard, had several lightbulb moments as I was watching, especially how family argues with each other. Thanks for all the work you do. Your videos have helped me so much.xx
I am happy to found your channel! Thank you for the awesome information!
thank you so much man. You can't imagine how much help I got from your videos. Thanks and keep up the good work!!!
I want to thank you for making this video. I have thoroughly enjoyed and been enlightened with your narc videos. This video represents the next step in regards to recognizing a narc and trying to figure out how to stop the verbal abuse and mind games he hooks me in with.
Thank you for pointing on all kinds of tendencies that need to be observed and controlled. Many thanks for sharing!
Thank you for being you and sharing such good information with people to make this world a better place!!
I just found this video.. It was on time for what I was looking for now.. It was relevant in explaining core wounds.. Thank you!
Thank you for your work. I have alot of problems I want to sort out and I was emotionally and sexually absued as a child, so this means alot to me when I hear a positive, strengthening attitude towards improving my mental health. I feel like this is the time to put real work in feeling compassionate for myself and do what needs to be to heal, and be ready to pay if I see something I might have good use for.
thank you so much for this video. I learned a lot of things about myself in just 30 minutes.. Ill probably watch this over and over !!!
Thanks mate. Ive had anger management issues over the years I always try to remember the maxim "youre never angrier than when you are angry with yourself" - it lets me get down to the root cause. Got to start protecting yourself effectively.
I've learned SO much from listening to you for the past 3 months! Thank you for explaining things so well. Keep it up. I'm in therapy and using what I am learning and becoming aware of in my sessions.
My therapist is not doing much in the way of helping me assert myself. This is great
This "conscientiousness" conditioning really resonated with me- thank you- I learned a lot!
This is an old video but I broke down crying because you put words to everything I feel! This is so me!
Wow, I love this...thanks. I would love to see you do something on Narcissist discard and abandonment.
A very helpful analogy to becoming more self aware, self reflect and avoid such red flags. Thankyou
Loved this video. I have watched this followed by the "15 Traits of People Pleaser Syndrome (in 15 minutes)" It was great looking at the two. Will definitely watch more videos.
Truly brilliant! Thank you for one more enlightened speech!
I have to say I recently visited your website and was scared away by a video teaching street fight techniques with eye gouging and so on. I only came back because the first three videos I had watched ("Why Your Family Hates You - 8 Steps", "Why Your Family Hates You - Follow Up" and "The Samurai Strategy of Musashi") were incredibly good and helpful. So now I see that you have developed a new approach and also have built some perspective about the old one. Congratulations! I am very glad about that. But also curious about why you still have those posts online -- as they do not seem to me consistent at all with the heathy self-assertive way of coping with abuse, that you now further.
Streetfightsecrets is now a 9 year old online project making it possible for normal, everyday people to protect themselves from criminal predators and violent assault. It is entirely congruent with the philosophy of self assertiveness and the assertion of boundaries that should someone try to mug, rob, rape or murder you that you assert your sovereignity with appropriate force. This may include a very high level of violent, injury inducing response. If it wasnt absolutely necessary, I wouldnt teach it. But it is and so I do.
Awesome video!!! Thank you so much for making it for all of us!!!!
Thank you so much for this video. I am a people pleaser-- love how you identify the fake aspect of this. Hope your course is still available in 2017.Must apologise to the other excellent people who do work on narcissism but I seriously don't have the time to watch anyone but you. You are someone who can seriously change lives- love your style, humour, presentation, passion. Wow!
You have no idea how much you are helping me. I am soaking up your valuable advice like a sponge. Seriously, THANK YOU!
You are a being of light, your info has such positive and profound effect on my broken spirit. much love and gratitude, thank you
Self assertiveness is the best mental and emotional self defense, if very effective you won't have to fight as much
You will never know how much you helped me in my darkest hour. Thank you.
Great vid! YOu are so practical and down to earth...very real and wise. Thanks for this vid!
I'm very excited about this training. Thank you.
Great, just came across this video. You're very confident and articulate in a non-irritating way, plus you are talking about interesting and important things. Agree about former experiences in childhood and teens having a massive effect us later in life. Hopefully, by becoming aware of how certain feelings and self perceptions are rooted in the past, we can be more equipped to get out of this conditioned mindset that is holding us back.
it's the accent. lol ;)
Yep totally agree with what you're saying Andrew-
-and I strongly believe that it all starts with acknowledging & recognizing the impact of past experiences; acknowledging and then choosing to accept 'what is'.
Because it is not really possible to change something through denial, is it ..?
However some people including a few who I know well, insist on doing the same thing over and over, repeatedly 'banging their heads against a brick wall' by passionately holding onto denial.. and it can be so frustrating watching people close to you doing this to themselves ..!? :-\
Some people seem so keen to avoid being truthful with themselves.
Personally I think life's too short to forever be running from yourself so to speak. I say just get on with it and do what needs to be done.
Do it for yourselves peoples, so you can then allow for a better more fulfilling life- and to really get to develop stronger, healthier relationships with self and others. ^_^
Running from the truth is an uphill battle
Melissa Jackson WHen the acknowledging and awakening happens, it makes me more sad and overwhelmed by it all. I am over 50 so that plays into this too. The detrimental habits of decades.
Yes it's a bit of a catch 22 isn't it Hugo411
But I think it's more of a necessary process- well I can't speak from anyone else's perspective other than my own, but I do see how a recovery concept I've heard of 'Feel to Heal' can be good.. might not feel so good at the time but it really can be great to help take some of the weight off the shoulders ;-)
It's a new thing for me as I grew up in a family where crying and openly expessing emotions and anything related to being 'vulnerable' or emotionally open/intimate just wasn't done.
When you start doing things that almost seem to have been avoided like the plague, it can make a person more aware of the habits developed from childhood and the family environment- and can encourage questioning around the reasons for why certain things were or are done a certain way.. I like making sense of things and understanding why.
It can take guts and more courage than sticking to familiarity of sameness even if not facing change would mean continuing to put up with pain and hurt.
But I believe that it can be great to allow for the opportunity for yourself, to possibly get to have a better proper understanding and big picture perspective on family stuff; it's fantastic to look back on it all and have a chance to see that the way you were treated might not have had anything to do with us at all, it was out of our hands and determined before we were probably even born .? :-)
Yet another good video.
On your point about over-conscientiousness and the feeling of being about to cry coming on quick in some confrontations -- that resonates with me. What you said about expecting arguments to be conducted justly and fairly precisely hits it on the head for me -- that totally sparks my indignation and can lead to drama.
Where you reference naivete sounds like what I refer to as bewilderment, which sticks around despite fully recognizing how many major assholes are out and about.
Anyway, I'm looking into the course you're offering and considering making a purchase. Thanks.
oh my god - you're describing issues I, my son and husband have! Will listen to more and work on what you've said.
inspiring stuff, I am going to start watching more of your vids and see how i can implement this advice in my life. great info well presented mate.
I needed this video...I didnt realize what I was doing... Until I started saying, No a little more often.
I learned quickly.. as much as I hate conflict, I will stand up for myself and others...
You are speaking to ME!!! I knew this for long time yet couldn't put it to words. No getting help but live with what is an awful feeling of hopelessness. Like you said it is about in what context am I in, work is one thing while home real life finds me falling apart. I loved this video for forcing that mirror in my face and guess what? Good Boy here!!!
Thank God for you Richard Grannon, I love it how you talk plainly and on the level about difficult issue for so many. I don't know who or what is responsible for this subtle form of social programming but it really sucks for anyone who has bought into "People Pleaser" Syndrome
On a self-assertiveness course one module was 'How to say NO nicely', certain useful phrases to say. Helpful stuff.
Thank you! Thank you for your honesty and your analysis and your optimism. Your 15 traits of people pleasers especially have been an eye opener. However, I feel a bit like I have to jump to the defense of the martial arts here (or rather self defense) as a tool for starting to overcome that. For me just the simple act of saying "You are not allowed to hurt me, and I am not going to let you" was new and pivotal and that epiphany has followed me out of the gym and into my life.
Now, I am not saying physical self defense training magically solves everything and when you can do the one inch punch you'll be all better. It is a process and it takes time and mental work (and mine is far from done), but punching stuff does help sometimes when the going gets tough :)