Another double standard: not being allowed time and space to analyse feelings of anger towards the person when it's okay for them to walk away and come back whenever it suits them.
Elizaharp I noticed that too. Couple weeks ago he said, “I just wanted to give you a heads up bc I’m going to Atlanta for a few days.” Without realizing it the expression on my face and body language changed instantly. I was obviously over the moon and told authentically told him “that’s great! Have a great time.” Then as he walked out the door I shot him the bird without even looking in his direction. I just kept watching narc videos that he could clearly hear the audio. Lol
Yes!! He would give silent treatment as punishment until he's satisfied but we're not allowed to do the same thing when we're mad at him, and he would terrorize us with endless messages and calls and practically force us to stop ignoring him like a fucking 5 year old. Thankfully I'm a feminist so that kind of shit doesn't work on me and I left the relationship. Narcissist more like nazissist. Never again.
Narcissists live by and survive on double standards. Don't expect anything other than double standards when dealing with narcissists. Good luck trying to get them to treat you as an equal.
One thing I find odd is that after being married to a covert narcissist for 14 years, I've taken on some of these characteristics as a defensive measure to protect myself against their tactics. They're so self-centered that you have to start forcing yourself to value your own opinions and thoughts and feelings just to survive.
That's actually not fair to the brick wall. I can bounce ideas off of it and tell it about my day without it actively ignoring me until it wants to tell me all about its day.
Joe c - They have their own internal calculators- you earned nothing no matter how hard you worked and they deserve everything. They suck whatever someone else deserved right out of that person’s lungs.
Except that brick wall insists on controlling everything about you, and will get the shits and take it out on you in a multitude of ways if it doesn't get its way haha
These double standards really hit the mark. It took me the longest time to figure that I wasn't having a genuine emotional exchange with the narcissist.
@@takyiyakvsi Fantasy is right!!! 🙄🙄🙄 💖💖💖 I've been through all this for decades ago, B4 all this was defined. When I watch Dr. C., he clarifies my life!! I've been there, & through that! Amazingly, I'm Still Here!! We will live & not die. AND! I never believed it back then, when people told me, "Some day, you'll look back & Laugh!!". But today, I'm 68, & I tell younger people that ! 💗💗💗
They have insane capability of playing dumb. Of pretending to not know what you're talking about when you expose their wrong doing and double(or even multiple) standards.
Number 4 always astounds me. He can instantly rage with his invisible megaphone, waking the dead with his shouting, but if I ever get loud or mismanage myself with him, I have 'anger issues and need serious help'. I have point blank asked him: " so let me get this straight. When I react too intensely with you it's my fault and when you react too intensely with me it's also my fault." Him "yep. I simply wouldn't have those reactions if you weren't here." Don't they realize anyone who lives in a vacuum will never react to anyone else?
Here is one of my favorite sayings: "I walked away because you were too busy finding faults in me while I was too busy overlooking yours." Truth! What a relief it is to not have to deal with all of the head and heart games anymore. Sad but true. I feel more at peace than I have in many years and I actually sleep at night now. It has only been a month so I still have the angry and tearful days but that's OK because I KNOW I am healing and getting stronger. I know it is the grief process. No more double standards, or ANY of the craziness, for me!
so true, i'm going through the healing process right now,, I already feel better, although it still hurts, no more head and heart games, what an awful woman she is,,, bless all of us who survived the insanity!
Kat Lat: I really like that saying! I'll have to remember that one. This is rather mean, but I'll share it. My ex-husband always made me feel unattractive and unloved. One day, he made an ugly comment about my hair...."I don't like your hair...how you "poufed it."(It wasn't "poufy"). So, I replied..."I didn't have you in mind when I styled it this way."
@@valeriegriner5644 That doesn't sound "rather mean" as you put it. It sounds defensive...maybe....but they ask for it and push us to a point where we say and do things that we normally wouldn't do. Sometimes when I made that kind of comment I actually felt I was giving him some of his own medicine and it felt good! There is only so much you can take before you start giving it back in MUCH smaller ways than they have been handing it out. At least that is the conclusion I came to for myself. Part of why I left is because I didn't like the person I was becoming, I wanted to be me again and not need to have "come backs" for his abuse.
@@kathasfaith7643 Actually, I didn't like the person that I was becoming either. My ex-husband loved to provoke me, and I'm usually pretty calm and easygoing. I wish that I had caught onto "the game" before I spent over half my life in a very toxic situation. He was an alcoholic, too, and that added fuel to his narcissistic abuse. I'm not saying that I don't have flaws, but I didn't deserve what he dished out for 28 years. Anyway, I'm better now, and I pray for him and hope he finds his way, too.
Here’s one: “I can chat to anyone I like on Facebook or like whomever’s photos, but if you do it, you must be cheating with whomever you’re chatting to / liking”
Revisionist history. It's the worst. Your once labeled perfect date can now be a story riddled with how everyone from the cab driver to the waiter to the friends you met up with to the dog greeting you at the door when you got home all hated you. Revisionist history will get you worked up and defending yourself more than anything. Watch out for it
I was married to a narcissist for 33 years. They lie, steal, gaslight, have unwritten rules and cheat. Everytime I caught her in a lie she blamed it on me.
Awhile back, at age 27, I felt like an 80 year old. This was 7 years into the marriage with a narc. I knew if I stayed, it would literally kill me. Got free 3 years later, and felt and looked like a new person ever since.
Regarding " alternate reality", one of my spouse's favorite remarks is , "Let me tell you the way things are"- as if he is the keeper of truth. And of course, his " truth" is ALWAYS distorted and slanted so that he is always blameless and a victim.
I've never owned a dog, only a cat. However, I'm prepared to forgive him his narcissistic tendencies because he's good company. This is unlike the true narcissist in the house, who bites and scratches (verbally) far worse than the cat ever would, and at least the cat pretends he loves you 😁
Number 8 was the one that messed with my head the most. He was soo defensive I had to be so careful of anything even slightly negative but when I'd try to defend myself (especially when I hadn't actually done anything), he say things like 'you always make excuses' or 'you think you're so right' or 'do you hear yourself?'. It made me wonder if I did make excuses and lacked personal responsibility. I don't. But I thought that.
Thank you Dr. Les. 🙏 I am from India. These videos are helping me keep myself mentally strong, sane and healthy. It is helping my physical health too. Because of narcissist abuse, I suffered severe depression. It affected my physical health very badly, that I got high fever and severe tonsillitis plus even worse depression. I am getting myself back up with your videos. Thank you for your knowledge Dr. Les. I wait for these videos, my source of healing.🙏
I had no idea what was going on in my marriage until I found Dr Les. I didn't even recognize my own depression. Dr, you're videos have saved me. I have implemented boundaries and with your help, I now understand what I'm dealing with and your tools have made all the difference. I know I'm in the middle of life changing decisions. I am learning and practicing how to take care of myself and to put myself first as well as identifying when my narc is trying to manipulate. Dealing with this is all about having the knowledge and tools. Thank you!
Kavita Yadav Bless you. I identify with your story. My narcissist walked out when I stopped owning his emotions, talking then into my body, trying to calm the storm and make it better. I let him complain and didn't try to fix it or another him with sympathy. I simply offered to make him a cup a tea or draw a bath with it taking his state on my shoulders. He blew up into a rage and walked out because he wasn't getting to kick the dog in order to feel better. Been gone ever since.
These narcissists love to get into positions of power over seniors especially--control, fear and confusion makes them so dangerous in these sorts of employment and they get away with it until they get overconfident and sloppy. I can't thank you enough for your continued insights.
Oh my Lord --- yes. I'm attempting to care for my 96 year old Dad in his home. The family narcissist is making this 1000% more difficult than it normally would have to be. "Dangerous" is the word for it. I finally sought legal assistance. Fingers crossed.
@@kesmarn all the best to you and your Dad. I am taking care of my adopted father. I am lucky that he made sure that he protected me legally over two decades ago. He has two biological daughters that only come around looking for money. But are no where to be found unless they want something. He and my late biological mother did it in such away, that it is more ironclad than a last will and testament. Before my mother passed away, he told his biological daughters of the decision he had made and why. The oldest daughter called me six months after my mother's passing. Insisting that she was going to talk to her dad about some much needed changes. Wanting to know if I would sign the paperwork necessary to change his deed. At which time, I reminded her that half of the estate belonged to my biological mother. For which she and her sister had no legal claim. I then told her if they were involved in our dad's life, they would know that he had been diagnosed with dementia. That I could prove it by means of his medical records. That with the diagnosis of dementia, our dad was considered by law mentally incapacitated and unable to legally make such changes. She got her nickers in a bunch. That was three and a half years ago. Nothing has been changed. I haven't heard another word from her. Sometimes you just have to be stern and stand your ground with a narcissist. The trash will find away to take itself out.
@@sarahcrain8083 Your adopted father is so fortunate to have you in his life. I can only imagine what his life would be like now if he were left to the "tender mercies" of his biological children!
@@kesmarn I stopped and said a prayer over your post yesterday. May the vortex being created in your life by a narcissist flee from your life. May peace and happiness soon reside where the storm of the narcissist's negative emotions brew. Thank you for your kind words. I make a lot of mistakes as my Dad's caregiver. I do my best to protect and keep him safe. I know without a ounce of doubt that God will bless your journey as you love and care for your Dad. May the light of the Lord reveal the stones laying in your path. So that you may be able to kick them to the side, as you walk by faith. ❤️
@@sarahcrain8083 I'm so touched by your kind and thoughtful prayer. Thank you very much. And you were very intuitive when you mentioned those "stones in the path." It's amazing how many times I was alerted to some malicious activity planned by this person just in time to avert it. Well, maybe not so amazing after all -- when you consider Who is really in charge. Wishing you also all the very best on a difficult journey. May God reward you for all the good you've done.
I am not Neil , You are brilliant , you make sense of the nonsense , much appreciated . I have survived at least six narcissists who are also sadists, they will outright lie to your face , and steel from you , they have no conscience , they enjoy the suffering of others , they have no respect for others , they can not be trusted . Those I survive from were - 1. my oldest sister , 2. my first serious relationship ex , 3. my younger sisters boyfriend , 4. head of the building dept , 5. his lawyer , 6 .ex roommate , each one is vicious . Caught each one in serous lies . They will do anything to harm you in any way they can , financially and emotionally . Life is sooooo much better without them . When trust has been violated there isn't a relationship anymore . They can really mess with you and they will go out of there way to cause harm . I definitely recommend getting away from sadists even if it costs you financially , cost you friends and family relationships . There is no working things out with them because they do not care about facts or want your opinion is , they desire and thrive on chaos . My belief in judgement day helped me survive them and keeps me sane . thank you for your excellent videos
Narcissist are always double standard & one sided about everything & anything . Everything you're saying is true . These narcs are such drama queens & kings and they love instigating & creating double standards .
I love the sarcasm in his voice towards narcissists. It really makes me feel like he 'gets it' and he totally understands how crazy and ridiculous they are. I also love when Gus is in the video!
This is really wonderful! My mother was and is the queen of double standards. She would actually say, “Don’t do as I do, do what I say do” followed by a threat of physical violence (on her underweight daughter) if I didn’t obey. Even into adulthood. So glad I’m no contact. The eggshell floors I always walked on with her disappeared when I went silent. Sweet relief.
“Do as I say, Not as I do”, was also my mother’s mantra. As a youth, I had my face ground into the carpet, bones broken, and uncountable yard sticks and switches broken over my back. 59 years of “stupid” before videos like this tipped the scale. Over 2 years of blissful silence since then. Peace be with you Staci. Thank you Doc for giving us our lives back.
Victor Kroud I’m sorry you had to go through all that, and applaud the fact that you were able to go and stay no contact. It takes a huge amount of strength and resolve no matter the circumstance, but, as you know, necessary when enough is enough.
Victor Kroud , I identify with your experiences only some of the relief didn’t come for me until the death of some of the narcissists. Yes, I did get some relief during periods of no contact or what was euphemistically referred to as times when the narcissist “disowned” me (a sweet time) but they didn’t last because I was always worried about the safety of my younger siblings.
@@lindabermudez-hafer5440 same here. Ive been disinherited, disowned, hung up on, silent treatment-ed, yanked financially not even to mention emotionally, etcetc, (even physically hit-- that was less frequent but did occur), COUNTLESS times. And these responses ALWAYS happened when i stood my ground and refused to bend over for their abuse. No contact. Cut them out of your life. Its ur life or theirs, gotta choose urs.
@@rebekahmoore6818 : I married a narc and after hearing these videos and reading comments, and in answer to yours, I wouldn't of known what I was getting into. The narc behavior started after we were married. At first I thought I'd try to change him and of course I was totally in love. Then after having children I started getting sick with deep depression and severe asthma. After 17 years, left him, moved far away, eventually healed (both physically and emotionally) and have lived a very peaceful life. Stay well and safe.
My mother took full advantage of the parent/child relationship to enforce most of these double standards. After all, when you're so insecure, isn't it so much easier to make yourself feel more powerful by pushing your thoughts and opinions onto a child? The younger you start on them the easier it is, because they accept your treatment of them and they believe what you say. The weird thing is that despite the way I was spoken to, the beliefs instilled in me, the refusal to acknowledge my feelings, I always had some kind of feeling that her behaviour wasn't right. Now, of course, I know it wasn't me!! The hardest thing I struggle with is letting go of the fact that she can never change and that somehow I need to accept her self-destructive ways. Even after my recent major surgery she tried avoiding asking me how I was, and spent at least the first 5 minutes telling me about her ailments and how busy she was. In fact, the cat got a mention before, grudgingly, she slipped in a, "are you ok then?" before going back to telling me about her day! It's a good job there was still enough anaesthetic stuck in my brain to numb her inability to show any warmth or empathy towards me. If it had been the other way round, and she had been the one having surgery, she would have expected all the fuss imaginable and everyone giving her all their attention. Definitely a fine example of her double standards. Oh, in case anyone is interested, I am 55 and she is 83, so I'm pretty sure she's not going to change now!
So true , they are so DELUSIONAL an sickening , evil creatures!!!! Tks so much for all your vidoes an helping us victims !!!!You're a God sent , NO DOUBT !!!!!
They have demons...seriously, they do(at least the two in my life are demonic). Otherwise, why would they stalk, lie, gossip, plot and hurt others all the time? I pray for them...because they are actually pretty pitiful.
@@all-in-onegamerhd2076 trust me, u r right...my abusive covert narc mother is 92, yup u read that right 92 years old and is STILL the same abusive narc she has been all her life. Zero insight in herself; zero personal responsibility for her devastating narc ways that fractured and ruined the family over the course of approx. 55-60 yrs; zero remorse for the horrific fallout from her nonstop narc abuse, and on and on and on...they never, ever, ever change. No contact is the only way to" interact" with them.
Every time I'm struggling to deal with my narc (my babys dad), I just need to watch few of your vids and it brings me back my strength. I remember again who I'm dealing with. Thank you!
I love how you described the narcissist interactions with other people as a PR campaign. It captures the essence of what they are doing, the only thing that matters to them, and that is making themselves look good. Great reminder. Thank you.
I called a narcissist Narc Vader and he acted like I shot him in the heart 😂 Even after all the mean things he's said to other people how dare I call him Narc Vader. But it's true, I keep picturing the Darth Vader theme every time he walks in the room.
HA! That's funny Tamara 🤣 I think of my Ex- Narc as the "Dormentor" in Harry Potter that sucks the life & energy out of us Empaths.....or " Rasputin" the evil monk that took down the entire Russian Royal Family with his Narsisist ways
This is hilarious. After putting up with one vicious insult after another in an exchange with my narcissistic cousin, I observed that he seemed to have the same regard for humanity as the Nazis had. He pouted, then said, "You have verbally abused me."
I turn everything back on the sicko narcissist as much and often as I possibly can. It's EXHAUSTING and affects my health in EVERY single way but I REFUSE to allow them to win. I just can't do it.
Thank you. I feel like I'm communicating in a foreign language. I try and try to communicate but I am always the one who's wrong and I get the anger and silent treatment every time I try to speak up for myself. I am always wrong. It happened again today. They don't listen to me or respect me. They talk behind my back. I am not even allowed to visit my little sister and her family. I have been so sick for over twenty years. I have gotten worse the last few years. I don't leave the house much I have so little energy and so much physical pain. I am always home alone. They don't even believe or recognize how sick I am or how hard I've been fighting for so long. My second husband and I are separated. He was terribly verbally abusive. I have no one. I have lost all hope. I feel so desperate.
Sounds like you are a scapegoat. You must be willing to let go your family and NC with them all. They suck your energy, that's why you are sick. When you seek for support & positive energy, negative and toxic energy is what you receive. No family is better than toxic family. You have to cut no contact, and be a supply no more. God is your only hope. Have you turn to Him? When you lost all hope, you can only turn to God.
Once you're healed and dont get triggered anymore, it is almost laughable... because they can't manipulate you anymore. Oh, and to make it more confusing, they'll tell YOU that you are the one with double standards 😂🙄🙄 most frustrating people in the entire world.
Loose with money on themselves. My in-laws would hate it if I got something new. Even at Christmas, even on something as basic as shoes. But they deserve whatever they want, whenever they want. None of your business. Horrible, controlling, unhappy people.
Every time I watch one of these videos I feel a burden lifted. I realize I'm not who or what he said I was. I am more in touch with my desired and undesired characteristics, and realize I'm not this monster he made me out to be. Thank you for the knowledge that validates and liberates.
Thank you. This video is so enlightening and helps process the craziness to which I've been submitting in my marriage. It's like I'm waking from feeling deflated and defeated. My blood boils with the desire to say that I've been a victim of this kind of treatment for 19 years... but I have to admit (albeit reluctantly) that ultimately I'm not a victim: I'm a volunteer. I volunteered for this. Happily, yesterday we announced to the kids that we are divorcing. Good-bye double standards. Good-bye crazy-making. Good-bye. Good-bye. Good-bye. (And good riddance.)
ALLLLLL but a couple of these. Wow. I knew these things were happening. I made the mistake of making excuses and not telling my supports about any of it. Once I did, they were all on the same page and pointed out how wrong this all was. All of them said “Maybe it’s good he’s leaving….” “Are you sure you want this relationship” “This is all really concerning and extremely manipulative “. Eye opening. Finally talking about it led me to all these videos and wow I didn’t realize the nuances of a narcissist person and relationship. Incredible how easily one can get sucked into all this and take the blame, even though there’s that underlying feeling of “this isn’t right” 😢
Yes, I used to think that. Life was full of double standards. Accountable, secrets, lying by omission, going into a rage, spend all the time with his family...ugh! I used to think possessive = controlling = abusive, but never new about narcissism. When I got out of the relationship (which I lost my job and 2 weeks later he kicked me out on the spot with no where to go at 62 like a piece of discusting trash never to talk agin after 4 1/2 yrs) I felt I got rid of a big thumb pushing me down. I was so broken, but I'm getting better. I cried everyday for 3 months that I gave my heart to a cold hearted soulless not even human. If I ever have to look in his eyes again I will see the devil.
43 years. Need I say more? He gets worse by the day. Is this disease inherited? His whole family are narcissists. Especially his mother. Omgosh I don’t go near her. I can’t even stand to hear her voice. I’ve learned how to handle him but his mom is not my problem. They get along great. Sad but true. Birds of a feather flock together. The two of them together almost kills me. I can’t. I just can’t. I’m not the only family member that avoids her. I see it very clearly now. Thank you doctor. 🙏🏻
These people are TOXIC and best avoided at all cost. Your going to get told you can’t do it and they will get angry when losing perceived control. So do EXACTLY WHAT YOU WANT as the end result is they will be angry either way.
My ex-wife was this way. She eventually backed herself into a corner because every rule or behavior she wanted me to follow, I also held her feet to the same fire and standard and insisted she live by the same rules she was applying to me. Eventually she had so many rules that neither one of us was allowed to even breath air.
Quick Overview for those who are visually oriented like me! : 1. My opinions are of extreme importance... but your opinions don't matter 2. I get to criticize you whenever I want...but you can't criticize me at all 3. You have to stay accountable to me...but I don't have to stay accountable to you 4. I can yell and curse at you...but you'd better not yell and curse at me 5. It's desirable to invest time in my people...but it's not desirable to invest time in your people 6. You need to understand me thoroughly...but I don't need to be understanding towards you 7. I can label your character anyway I want...but you had better not label me 8. When I defend myself, it makes sense...but yours is whiney and thin-skinned 9. I can speak about you to others anyway I want...but you can't speak negatively to anyone about me 10. I don't need counseling...but you need counseling because you are so messed up Narcissists 2 basic Rules: 1. I'm always right 2. Always remember rule #1 Realizations non-narcissists need to understand when dealing with Narcissist 1. You'll have very low levels of cooperation (not very conscientious and no empathy) 2. Narcissists don't want input 3. High entitlement leads to double standards 4. Don't let the Narcissist do the thinking for you (they are just one person and your opinion matters)--think about what is right/makes sense to you, no need to argue 5. Boundaries: staying within the definition of you (Jewish proverb- "Fools despise wisdom and instruction) * Also a proverb in the Bible, too (Proverbs 23:9 -this is added by me, not by this author) 6. A good life is anchored in an open-mindedness, attitude of blendedness, coordination and cooperation 7. Narcissists are foolish! Blessings
THANK YOU MORE THAN I CAN SAY FOR TYPING THE NOTES. IM SO VISUAL. was scrolling comments hopeful someone had done this bc its 4am and I've cried for days. this video was so validating. and I sure need the notes. huge help!
Gus is a love bug. I love animals, books. Music and indie/foreign films. And Paris. Am I an HSP, introvert, empath, child of abuse? Well yes. Yes I am. Thank you for your kindness, Dr. Carter. You remind us traumatized souls that not everyone is a garbage person.
Doctor Carter my ex did all that. It was so abusive and so frustrating even when she tries to control who I told what was going on trying to shame me telling me I had a big mouth besides all the other games and lies and gaslighting and projection etc
yes,yes,yes.that checklist sounds like my narcissistic relatives.One standard for us,and another for you.Its enraging.And of course, if i point this out,no one wants to hear it.I have panic attacks from the narcissistic abuse i have endured at family gatherings.thank you dr.carter.DJIgnatin ,philadelphia,pa.
Privacy. This is not mention enough. Narcissist will cross so many boundaries to get all the 411 in your life and are double standard when it comes to privacy. They can have the right to privacy, but God forbid you have a private life or they will make your life hell for it.
Dr Carter, I love your wise and dignified videos. The narcissist in my life is nasty to me, but charming and caring with others.... he's actually betraying me so he wants to break me, and show me in a bad light and make his new friend look saintly
I’ve only just realised from watching this video, the differences between my family and my in-laws. Whenever I speak with or visit my in-laws, they always enquire about the well being of my family. They remember my family’s names and what I’ve told them about what is happening with them. I don’t have much contact with my family these days, but in the early days of my marriage I had more contact. The only contact I have now is via an aunt who recently went though some serious health issues, she suffered a number of heart attacks and was in hospital for a while. My late husband’s family called me to see that my aunt was ok and asked me to send her their best wishes for a speedy recovery. But with my family, they make no attempt to know my late husband’s family. They don’t even remember their names. It’s as if they are of no significance to them. I told my aunt that Kevin’s cousin sent her best wishes for a speedy recovery and my aunt said, who? I had to remind her that they were introduced to one another at my wedding and that this cousin always asks after my aunt because my aunt had made a good impression on this cousin. But all my aunt could say was, well that’s Kevin’s family, not yours. After I lost my husband just over 4 years ago. My late husband’s family wrapped themselves around me and gave me all the support and love I needed to pick myself back up again. My aunt and her two sons (my cousins), were the only attendees from my family to come to the funeral. Not a single member of my family stayed to help me or support me. After the funeral I didn’t receive one phone call from my family to see how I was coping. And yet my husband’s family were and still are a major part of my life. It’s like you say in this video Dr Carter, my relationships with others is of no importance to them but to the narcissist’s, their relationships as they see it is everything. They have my pity because I can see how there responses limits the quality of their lives. Thank you 🙏 for this video.
The Biblical story of Ruth and Naomi comes to mind. You were so blessed to marry into a functional family; and I'm sure you were a blessing to them too. I imagine it helped a lot to make up for a lack of closeness in your family of origin. Unfortunately I married into a cold and rejecting family (which -- apparently -- at the time was what I thought I deserved). If only I could have known then what I've learned since... And a fair amount of that learning has happened thanks to Dr. C!
I’m sorry to hear your you had those experiences with your husband’s family, and notwithstanding my own positive experiences of my in-laws, I still firmly believe that when we marry, we marry our spouses and not their family. It’s great 👍 if we can get along with them but our main relationship is with the person we chose as our partner. I’m glad you’ve found Dr Carter’s videos. I find them so helpful. I only wish this kind of resource had been available when I was growing up. ❤️
When I was a kid we had an older kid in the neighborhood who would only play games with younger kids who didnt know the rules of the game. He would alter and change them to his benefit. Eventually you would pick up on it and not play with him anymore. All the neighborhood kids eventually called it playing by"Johnny Rules" and it became a substitute phrase for saying someone was cheating or being unethical in general ("Hey! I know youre playing by Johnny Rules!") Narcs play by Johnny Rules, Period. Dont play with them cause their just setting you up for the loose.
Whenever I have attempted to defend myself (big mistake) to my spouse, he always accuses me of "making excuses". He doesn't accept logical, rational explanations for anything because he always had to be right. And conversely, he tries to defend his completely indefensible behaviors by making the lamest excuses, and I'm supposed to accept that without any reservation- even when he lies.
Unfairness as a lifestyle. If you play chess with a narcissist, you play with the peasents only. Huh? If you ask where your other pieces are, you are rude, mean, ungrateful etc It's also madness as a lifestyle.
Well said ! my mother was a nars, she taught my daughter to be one, she's 58 yrs old and still not grown up. They do all they can to destroy you, there's not one ounce of love in these kind of people, all you have was put there for them to take. 👹!!!!
If a lot of people were more like Gus, we'd all get along so much better. When I'm feeling down and crushed by my extremely selfish, narcisstic husband, whom I can't afford to leave, watching your videos are so uplifting. Seeing Gus at the end of this video, is like the icing on the cake. I love dogs. In fact, I love all animals. I find my little terrier, Teddy, very comforting. He and Gus would get along very well, I think.
Oh number 4!! Yes if I raised my voice well that’s not allowed. But he could yell, curse and insult. And yes you cannot defend yourself and my feelings would be dismissed.
I’ve been 1 year NARC FREE....I’ve been so happy this year but I’m still kicking myself for wasting 21 years of my life with him, still having those out of the blue moments of “ how will he react” moments (even though I’ve had no contact since the minute he left).....but I am getting better every day and am so grateful to God for getting me out.
One of your best videos. They keep getting better, more succinct, and more understandable. I love Gus! You are lifting me from depression day by day. Thank you. I now know what is going on. THANKS!
Dr. Carter, I was late to this particular party but it's spot on! You have no idea how much you're helping me. Thank you! Thank you!💜 Gus is adorable but just like my Shih Tzu, he really doesn't seem thrilled to be in front of the camera. So cute!😆👍
The clear descriptions provide such reluef from the crazymaking! It makes it so much easier to just accept them like accepting bad weather. It helps me not get mad, but just get out of the way!
Typical, the double standards! My friend has so many. She told me recently she was diagnosed having a burnout. It was caused because I had spoken with her about my problems all the time. I feel guilty though it is not true. I tell her I understand she cannot have other people's trouble now, suffering from a burnout. How dare I say that? She replies that she is still the strong, wonderful and positive person she always is (without flaws or issues...). She only mentioned the burnout to make me feel bad and insecure, it does not mean she is weak or out of balance. She will deal with the burnout herself, she definitely does not need counselling or advise from me. That is only for weak people like me.
When in grad school, I was working, and we were going out to eat more than usual as a family. I was in charge of the housework and cooking (no surprise there when married to a narc) and was too exhausted to cook some nights. I suggested when we did go out to eat, I, my daughter, and then husband would take turns choosing restaurants. My then narc husband said something like "You are so selfish because you just want to eat where you want to eat." I responded, yes, a third of the time since there are three people on our family. In his mind, if I ever got to choose the restaurant, I was being selfish. What restaurant you eat at is not a big deal, but this example shows the mindset of a narc.
I used to ask myself what's wrong with me? What can I do to make him happy? Why doesn't he love me? I'm ashamed to say that I tried so hard to make him happy that as time went by I was wondering what about me? Then I thought maybe he never cared about me? It took our daughter to say; "mom it's not you! I don't think dad is capable of loving anyone but himself!"
I'm overwhelmed every time I listen to one of your videos. I WISH I could have seen these years ago! Every video describes the life I lived with my ex-husband for 23 years. EVERYTHING that you say will come out of the narcissists mouth, came out of his! Thank you for confirming what I knew in my heart wasn't right.
My narcissistic mom always says end of story after she barks her orders. She says I need your help because I can't do for myself because I'm old. She's only 64. If I need her to help me she'll tell me no one owes you shit in this world. Double standard all way around! Thx for everything that you do. It's definitely making a impact!
Thank you, Dr. Carter, for describing my Mother PERFECTLY It helps immensely to know I'm not the crazy one for thinking she has double standards with me
Exactly as Dr Les said, they won't even listen to themselves. If I could tell my mother today about these double standards she would surely say: "of course it doesn't apply to me, I've been living for longer than you, OF COURSE I know better. So you better listen and shut up"
Secretive, they can curse you, you're not allowed to say anything, you have to follow their rules, they tell you that you are crazy, they have extreme anger and it's all directed at you. Dr C you are right on. They wear you out physically and mentally. They ate childish in their behavior. It's a daily battle. We have to be very strong or they will take over your home and your peace. Bless you Dr Carter.
Nice clear simple presentation defining those double standards. Right on target. What understandably is not emphasized in this particular video, because it requires a video of its own, is the abusiveness of how these hypocrisies are enforced. The insults, guilting, shaming, gaslighting, and physical attacks when the narcs partner does not fall into line. This abuse creates fear and self doubt. The victim may need intervention to know how to set boundaries and think clearly for himself. Very often the narc makes it unsafe for the victim to attempt to defend himself or be resistant to the narcs games. They control and withhold things important to the partner, threaten, start smear campaigns, and generally make life even more miserable. Which they are able to do with great precision since they know all the partners vulnerabilities. And often no one else is able to see what is going on, so any complaints by the victim makes him look foolish or crazy. He receives no support which increases his self doubt, emotionally crippling him further. It’s a terrible trap.
Another double standard: not being allowed time and space to analyse feelings of anger towards the person when it's okay for them to walk away and come back whenever it suits them.
Elizaharp I noticed that too. Couple weeks ago he said, “I just wanted to give you a heads up bc I’m going to Atlanta for a few days.” Without realizing it the expression on my face and body language changed instantly. I was obviously over the moon and told authentically told him “that’s great! Have a great time.” Then as he walked out the door I shot him the bird without even looking in his direction. I just kept watching narc videos that he could clearly hear the audio. Lol
Ohh yes, this is so infuriating 🙄
Yes!! He would give silent treatment as punishment until he's satisfied but we're not allowed to do the same thing when we're mad at him, and he would terrorize us with endless messages and calls and practically force us to stop ignoring him like a fucking 5 year old. Thankfully I'm a feminist so that kind of shit doesn't work on me and I left the relationship. Narcissist more like nazissist. Never again.
The CLASSIC narc tactic!!
My wife does this to me all the time. But she usually doesn’t come back to finish the conversation. Just sweeps it under the rug
My favorite of his double standards is “I can be with other women but you can only be with me”
Uh, no! Dr. C
"It's crazy-making, isn't it?" Perfect summary statement.
Narcissists live by and survive on double standards.
Don't expect anything other than double standards
when dealing with narcissists.
Good luck trying to get them to treat you as an equal.
Trying to get them to treat you as an equal may unfortunately be impossible.
They have brain damage, frontal lobe.
It's a sickness they're not aware of.
One thing I find odd is that after being married to a covert narcissist for 14 years, I've taken on some of these characteristics as a defensive measure to protect myself against their tactics. They're so self-centered that you have to start forcing yourself to value your own opinions and thoughts and feelings just to survive.
This is what I mean when I say narcissists are thieves who rob you of your identity. Your task is to get the authentic you back. Dr. C
It's funny because you can tell how hard it is dealing with these people on the regular. It's like talking to a brick wall.
That's actually not fair to the brick wall. I can bounce ideas off of it and tell it about my day without it actively ignoring me until it wants to tell me all about its day.
INDEED IT IS POINTLESS TRYING TO EXPRESS TO THEM, HOW THEY AFFECT YOU NEGATIVELY
Joe c - They have their own internal calculators- you earned nothing no matter how hard you worked and they deserve everything. They suck whatever someone else deserved right out of that person’s lungs.
Actually brick walls are easier to talk to because they don't manipulate you
Except that brick wall insists on controlling everything about you, and will get the shits and take it out on you in a multitude of ways if it doesn't get its way haha
These double standards really hit the mark. It took me the longest time to figure that I wasn't having a genuine emotional exchange with the narcissist.
I guess it is the hardest for me too. To let go of the fantasy that I can relate with a narcissist on a vulnerable and genuine level.
Is the damage to their brains such that they have no genuine emotional responses??
@@takyiyakvsi Fantasy is right!!! 🙄🙄🙄 💖💖💖
I've been through all this for decades ago, B4 all this was defined. When I watch Dr. C., he clarifies my life!! I've been there, & through that! Amazingly, I'm Still Here!! We will live & not die. AND! I never believed it back then, when people told me, "Some day, you'll look back & Laugh!!". But today, I'm 68, & I tell younger people that ! 💗💗💗
Hello, my name is Kat. The torturous narcissist & I ended it literally yesterday. This video is him 100%
They are world-class hypocrites. Thank you for the work you do.
☝️👍World-class...perfect adjective for the scope of the narcissists' influence and hypocrisy. 🙏☠
EXACTLY! When Dr. Carter started with #1....the word "hypocrite" popped into my mind, too.
They have insane capability of playing dumb.
Of pretending to not know what you're talking
about when you expose their wrong doing and
double(or even multiple) standards.
@@stevenli3034 Yes! And they even say exactly so "I have no idea what you are talking about!" I stopped counting how often I heard that line.
For sure!!!
Number 4 always astounds me.
He can instantly rage with his invisible megaphone, waking the dead with his shouting, but if I ever get loud or mismanage myself with him, I have 'anger issues and need serious help'.
I have point blank asked him:
" so let me get this straight. When I react too intensely with you it's my fault and when you react too intensely with me it's also my fault."
Him "yep. I simply wouldn't have those reactions if you weren't here."
Don't they realize anyone who lives in a vacuum will never react to anyone else?
managra I’m going to have to steal that line “rages loud enough to wake the dead” sorry not sorry
Here is one of my favorite sayings: "I walked away because you were too busy finding faults in me while I was too busy overlooking yours." Truth! What a relief it is to not have to deal with all of the head and heart games anymore. Sad but true. I feel more at peace than I have in many years and I actually sleep at night now. It has only been a month so I still have the angry and tearful days but that's OK because I KNOW I am healing and getting stronger. I know it is the grief process. No more double standards, or ANY of the craziness, for me!
so true, i'm going through the healing process right now,, I already feel better, although it still hurts, no more head and heart games, what an awful woman she is,,, bless all of us who survived the insanity!
God, yeah. Being able to sleep with being harassed and abused. Blessings.
Kat Lat: I really like that saying! I'll have to remember that one. This is rather mean, but I'll share it. My ex-husband always made me feel unattractive and unloved. One day, he made an ugly comment about my hair...."I don't like your hair...how you "poufed it."(It wasn't "poufy"). So, I replied..."I didn't have you in mind when I styled it this way."
@@valeriegriner5644 That doesn't sound "rather mean" as you put it. It sounds defensive...maybe....but they ask for it and push us to a point where we say and do things that we normally wouldn't do. Sometimes when I made that kind of comment I actually felt I was giving him some of his own medicine and it felt good! There is only so much you can take before you start giving it back in MUCH smaller ways than they have been handing it out. At least that is the conclusion I came to for myself. Part of why I left is because I didn't like the person I was becoming, I wanted to be me again and not need to have "come backs" for his abuse.
@@kathasfaith7643 Actually, I didn't like the person that I was becoming either. My ex-husband loved to provoke me, and I'm usually pretty calm and easygoing. I wish that I had caught onto "the game" before I spent over half my life in a very toxic situation. He was an alcoholic, too, and that added fuel to his narcissistic abuse. I'm not saying that I don't have flaws, but I didn't deserve what he dished out for 28 years. Anyway, I'm better now, and I pray for him and hope he finds his way, too.
Here’s one: “I can chat to anyone I like on Facebook or like whomever’s photos, but if you do it, you must be cheating with whomever you’re chatting to / liking”
Girrrrrrl, you said it. Lol
Projection!
Narcissists playground.
@Maja Haugen I've been dealing with this for decades, it's rather exhausting and its importance is nill. Just walk away
My experiences have always ended up being called crazy while they rewrite history.
Painfully true!
Revisionist history. It's the worst. Your once labeled perfect date can now be a story riddled with how everyone from the cab driver to the waiter to the friends you met up with to the dog greeting you at the door when you got home all hated you.
Revisionist history will get you worked up and defending yourself more than anything. Watch out for it
Jamie yes!! That's classic.
They sure do! The question is...is it a defense mechanism or do they truly believe it?
THIS!!!!!💯💯💯
I was married to a narcissist for 33 years. They lie, steal, gaslight, have unwritten rules and cheat. Everytime I caught her in a lie she blamed it on me.
Awhile back, at age 27, I felt like an 80 year old. This was 7 years into the marriage with a narc. I knew if I stayed, it would literally kill me. Got free 3 years later, and felt and looked like a new person ever since.
Pleased for you! Dr. C
Omg this exactly how I feel now, I was thinking about this yesterday why I feel old living with him, meanwhile he is enjoying his life without me
Regarding " alternate reality", one of my spouse's favorite remarks is , "Let me tell you the way things are"- as if he is the keeper of truth. And of course, his " truth" is ALWAYS distorted and slanted so that he is always blameless and a victim.
Gus: "Let's all be nice with each other". Is it any wonder I prefer being with my dogs than with people?
I've never owned a dog, only a cat. However, I'm prepared to forgive him his narcissistic tendencies because he's good company. This is unlike the true narcissist in the house, who bites and scratches (verbally) far worse than the cat ever would, and at least the cat pretends he loves you 😁
Edna B Mode you’re hilarious. I’m so glad you were able to keep a sense of humor!
Exactly why I prefer cats and dogs over people! I totally agree!
I understand. Indeed I do.
Great video, you just can't reason with them, you can't state your case, you simply can't be heard on this one way street.
So true. In fact that is an understatement!
It’s scary to me.
Number 8 was the one that messed with my head the most. He was soo defensive I had to be so careful of anything even slightly negative but when I'd try to defend myself (especially when I hadn't actually done anything), he say things like 'you always make excuses' or 'you think you're so right' or 'do you hear yourself?'. It made me wonder if I did make excuses and lacked personal responsibility. I don't. But I thought that.
Thank you Dr. Les. 🙏 I am from India. These videos are helping me keep myself mentally strong, sane and healthy. It is helping my physical health too. Because of narcissist abuse, I suffered severe depression. It affected my physical health very badly, that I got high fever and severe tonsillitis plus even worse depression. I am getting myself back up with your videos. Thank you for your knowledge Dr. Les. I wait for these videos, my source of healing.🙏
I had no idea what was going on in my marriage until I found Dr Les. I didn't even recognize my own depression. Dr, you're videos have saved me. I have implemented boundaries and with your help, I now understand what I'm dealing with and your tools have made all the difference. I know I'm in the middle of life changing decisions. I am learning and practicing how to take care of myself and to put myself first as well as identifying when my narc is trying to manipulate. Dealing with this is all about having the knowledge and tools. Thank you!
Kavita Yadav Bless you. I identify with your story. My narcissist walked out when I stopped owning his emotions, talking then into my body, trying to calm the storm and make it better. I let him complain and didn't try to fix it or another him with sympathy. I simply offered to make him a cup a tea or draw a bath with it taking his state on my shoulders. He blew up into a rage and walked out because he wasn't getting to kick the dog in order to feel better. Been gone ever since.
Sounds like you had a strep infection.
Kavita Yadav -prayers for you my friend.
Jamie wise reactions
These narcissists love to get into positions of power over seniors especially--control, fear and confusion makes them so dangerous in these sorts of employment and they get away with it until they get overconfident and sloppy. I can't thank you enough for your continued insights.
Oh my Lord --- yes. I'm attempting to care for my 96 year old Dad in his home. The family narcissist is making this 1000% more difficult than it normally would have to be. "Dangerous" is the word for it. I finally sought legal assistance. Fingers crossed.
@@kesmarn all the best to you and your Dad. I am taking care of my adopted father. I am lucky that he made sure that he protected me legally over two decades ago. He has two biological daughters that only come around looking for money. But are no where to be found unless they want something. He and my late biological mother did it in such away, that it is more ironclad than a last will and testament.
Before my mother passed away, he told his biological daughters of the decision he had made and why. The oldest daughter called me six months after my mother's passing. Insisting that she was going to talk to her dad about some much needed changes. Wanting to know if I would sign the paperwork necessary to change his deed. At which time, I reminded her that half of the estate belonged to my biological mother. For which she and her sister had no legal claim. I then told her if they were involved in our dad's life, they would know that he had been diagnosed with dementia. That I could prove it by means of his medical records. That with the diagnosis of dementia, our dad was considered by law mentally incapacitated and unable to legally make such changes.
She got her nickers in a bunch. That was three and a half years ago. Nothing has been changed. I haven't heard another word from her. Sometimes you just have to be stern and stand your ground with a narcissist. The trash will find away to take itself out.
@@sarahcrain8083 Your adopted father is so fortunate to have you in his life. I can only imagine what his life would be like now if he were left to the "tender mercies" of his biological children!
@@kesmarn I stopped and said a prayer over your post yesterday. May the vortex being created in your life by a narcissist flee from your life. May peace and happiness soon reside where the storm of the narcissist's negative emotions brew.
Thank you for your kind words. I make a lot of mistakes as my Dad's caregiver. I do my best to protect and keep him safe.
I know without a ounce of doubt that God will bless your journey as you love and care for your Dad. May the light of the Lord reveal the stones laying in your path. So that you may be able to kick them to the side, as you walk by faith. ❤️
@@sarahcrain8083 I'm so touched by your kind and thoughtful prayer. Thank you very much. And you were very intuitive when you mentioned those "stones in the path." It's amazing how many times I was alerted to some malicious activity planned by this person just in time to avert it. Well, maybe not so amazing after all -- when you consider Who is really in charge. Wishing you also all the very best on a difficult journey. May God reward you for all the good you've done.
I am not Neil , You are brilliant , you make sense of the nonsense , much appreciated . I have survived at least six narcissists who are also sadists, they will outright lie to your face , and steel from you , they have no conscience , they enjoy the suffering of others , they have no respect for others , they can not be trusted . Those I survive from were - 1. my oldest sister , 2. my first serious relationship ex , 3. my younger sisters boyfriend , 4. head of the building dept , 5. his lawyer , 6 .ex roommate , each one is vicious . Caught each one in serous lies . They will do anything to harm you in any way they can , financially and emotionally . Life is sooooo much better without them . When trust has been violated there isn't a relationship anymore . They can really mess with you and they will go out of there way to cause harm . I definitely recommend getting away from sadists even if it costs you financially , cost you friends and family relationships . There is no working things out with them because they do not care about facts or want your opinion is , they desire and thrive on chaos . My belief in judgement day helped me survive them and keeps me sane . thank you for your excellent videos
With them it’s, “Do as I say, not as I do.” Thank you for helping the narcissism survivor community.
Narcissist's boundaries: "That never happened", "you're insane, and no one needs to listen to you".
Narcissist are always double standard & one sided about everything & anything . Everything you're saying is true . These narcs are such drama queens & kings and they love instigating & creating double standards .
I love the sarcasm in his voice towards narcissists. It really makes me feel like he 'gets it' and he totally understands how crazy and ridiculous they are. I also love when Gus is in the video!
This is really wonderful! My mother was and is the queen of double standards. She would actually say, “Don’t do as I do, do what I say do” followed by a threat of physical violence (on her underweight daughter) if I didn’t obey. Even into adulthood. So glad I’m no contact. The eggshell floors I always walked on with her disappeared when I went silent. Sweet relief.
“Do as I say, Not as I do”, was also my mother’s mantra. As a youth, I had my face ground into the carpet, bones broken, and uncountable yard sticks and switches broken over my back. 59 years of “stupid” before videos like this tipped the scale. Over 2 years of blissful silence since then. Peace be with you Staci. Thank you Doc for giving us our lives back.
Victor Kroud I’m sorry you had to go through all that, and applaud the fact that you were able to go and stay no contact. It takes a huge amount of strength and resolve no matter the circumstance, but, as you know, necessary when enough is enough.
Victor Kroud , I identify with your experiences only some of the relief didn’t come for me until the death of some of the narcissists. Yes, I did get some relief during periods of no contact or what was euphemistically referred to as times when the narcissist “disowned” me (a sweet time) but they didn’t last because I was always worried about the safety of my younger siblings.
@@lindabermudez-hafer5440 same here. Ive been disinherited, disowned, hung up on, silent treatment-ed, yanked financially not even to mention emotionally, etcetc, (even physically hit-- that was less frequent but did occur), COUNTLESS times. And these responses ALWAYS happened when i stood my ground and refused to bend over for their abuse. No contact. Cut them out of your life. Its ur life or theirs, gotta choose urs.
TheHotCoffeeHouse yep. Standing your ground has dire consequences.
Thank you so much .....wish I had this understanding fifty years ago
Same here...needed this 50+ yrs ago, so little time left to live narc free but im gonna go for it.
Brenda Serwa me too!! I wish I had these videos before I married my narc
@@rebekahmoore6818 : I married a narc and after hearing these videos and reading comments, and in answer to yours, I wouldn't of known what I was getting into. The narc behavior started after we were married. At first I thought I'd try to change him and of course I was totally in love. Then after having children I started getting sick with deep depression and severe asthma. After 17 years, left him, moved far away, eventually healed (both physically and emotionally) and have lived a very peaceful life. Stay well and safe.
My narc silently demands that I read his mind and predict his needs. I consider that part of his games.
100% True. Guarding your boundaries = breakup with narcissist. The don't tolerate boundaries. Ever.
I am really fed up of living with my narc husband he is spiteful to me daily. I never thought that I could hate so much, I could cry.
Get your own place and live in peace. I was in your shoes.
Leave. Get out as soon as you are able. Make plans quietly if you have to. They are cancer that need to be removed.
My mother took full advantage of the parent/child relationship to enforce most of these double standards. After all, when you're so insecure, isn't it so much easier to make yourself feel more powerful by pushing your thoughts and opinions onto a child? The younger you start on them the easier it is, because they accept your treatment of them and they believe what you say. The weird thing is that despite the way I was spoken to, the beliefs instilled in me, the refusal to acknowledge my feelings, I always had some kind of feeling that her behaviour wasn't right. Now, of course, I know it wasn't me!!
The hardest thing I struggle with is letting go of the fact that she can never change and that somehow I need to accept her self-destructive ways. Even after my recent major surgery she tried avoiding asking me how I was, and spent at least the first 5 minutes telling me about her ailments and how busy she was. In fact, the cat got a mention before, grudgingly, she slipped in a, "are you ok then?" before going back to telling me about her day! It's a good job there was still enough anaesthetic stuck in my brain to numb her inability to show any warmth or empathy towards me. If it had been the other way round, and she had been the one having surgery, she would have expected all the fuss imaginable and everyone giving her all their attention. Definitely a fine example of her double standards. Oh, in case anyone is interested, I am 55 and she is 83, so I'm pretty sure she's not going to change now!
So true , they are so DELUSIONAL an sickening , evil creatures!!!! Tks so much for all your vidoes an helping us victims !!!!You're a God sent , NO DOUBT !!!!!
Exactly. I hate having to dea l with my narcissistic father nearly everyday. They'll never get better only worse.
They have demons...seriously, they do(at least the two in my life are demonic). Otherwise, why would they stalk, lie, gossip, plot and hurt others all the time? I pray for them...because they are actually pretty pitiful.
Agreed. To me he is the worst person i ever been with. Nobody deserves to be with a narcissist.
@@all-in-onegamerhd2076 trust me, u r right...my abusive covert narc mother is 92, yup u read that right 92 years old and is STILL the same abusive narc she has been all her life. Zero insight in herself; zero personal responsibility for her devastating narc ways that fractured and ruined the family over the course of approx. 55-60 yrs; zero remorse for the horrific fallout from her nonstop narc abuse, and on and on and on...they never, ever, ever change. No contact is the only way to" interact" with them.
Thats pretty sad to have a parent who dosent give a damn and simply wont change even at 92 yrs old. No child deserves narcissistic abuse.
Very informative! Comical too! Thank you Dr. Carter!
Every time I'm struggling to deal with my narc (my babys dad), I just need to watch few of your vids and it brings me back my strength. I remember again who I'm dealing with.
Thank you!
Why do you call them “ my narc”.
Never heard anyone say it better!
I love how you described the narcissist interactions with other people as a PR campaign. It captures the essence of what they are doing, the only thing that matters to them, and that is making themselves look good. Great reminder. Thank you.
Yes!! Its exactly what it is, calculated marketing to sell you something you don't want or need.
Yes! I never thought of it in terms of a PR campaign. That really gave me new insight on the whole thing,
I know a person that does that but he’s not a narcissist. What it could be? PR is good for him and bad for her girlfriend.
Took notes and memorized them all !
I called a narcissist Narc Vader and he acted like I shot him in the heart 😂 Even after all the mean things he's said to other people how dare I call him Narc Vader. But it's true, I keep picturing the Darth Vader theme every time he walks in the room.
HA! That's funny Tamara 🤣 I think of my Ex- Narc as the "Dormentor" in Harry Potter that sucks the life & energy out of us Empaths.....or " Rasputin" the evil monk that took down the entire Russian Royal Family with his Narsisist ways
NARC VADER. GOOD NAME
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
Narc Vader! I love it!
This is hilarious. After putting up with one vicious insult after another in an exchange with my narcissistic cousin, I observed that he seemed to have the same regard for humanity as the Nazis had.
He pouted, then said, "You have verbally abused me."
I turn everything back on the sicko narcissist as much and often as I possibly can. It's EXHAUSTING and affects my health in EVERY single way but I REFUSE to allow them to win. I just can't do it.
Thank you. I feel like I'm communicating in a foreign language. I try and try to communicate but I am always the one who's wrong and I get the anger and silent treatment every time I try to speak up for myself. I am always wrong. It happened again today. They don't listen to me or respect me. They talk behind my back. I am not even allowed to visit my little sister and her family. I have been so sick for over twenty years. I have gotten worse the last few years. I don't leave the house much I have so little energy and so much physical pain. I am always home alone. They don't even believe or recognize how sick I am or how hard I've been fighting for so long. My second husband and I are separated. He was terribly verbally abusive. I have no one. I have lost all hope. I feel so desperate.
Sounds like you are a scapegoat. You must be willing to let go your family and NC with them all. They suck your energy, that's why you are sick. When you seek for support & positive energy, negative and toxic energy is what you receive. No family is better than toxic family. You have to cut no contact, and be a supply no more.
God is your only hope. Have you turn to Him? When you lost all hope, you can only turn to God.
I cannot count the number of times I have been called TOO SENSITIVE.
This is SOOOO common... all day, everyday they do this... I'm so glad you made this video, very helpful 🙏❤
So true: *all day, every day*
Best wishes!!
Once you're healed and dont get triggered anymore, it is almost laughable... because they can't manipulate you anymore. Oh, and to make it more confusing, they'll tell YOU that you are the one with double standards 😂🙄🙄 most frustrating people in the entire world.
Loose with money on themselves. My in-laws would hate it if I got something new. Even at Christmas, even on something as basic as shoes. But they deserve whatever they want, whenever they want. None of your business. Horrible, controlling, unhappy people.
Every time I watch one of these videos I feel a burden lifted. I realize I'm not who or what he said I was. I am more in touch with my desired and undesired characteristics, and realize I'm not this monster he made me out to be. Thank you for the knowledge that validates and liberates.
Thank you. This video is so enlightening and helps process the craziness to which I've been submitting in my marriage. It's like I'm waking from feeling deflated and defeated. My blood boils with the desire to say that I've been a victim of this kind of treatment for 19 years... but I have to admit (albeit reluctantly) that ultimately I'm not a victim: I'm a volunteer. I volunteered for this. Happily, yesterday we announced to the kids that we are divorcing. Good-bye double standards. Good-bye crazy-making. Good-bye. Good-bye. Good-bye. (And good riddance.)
the comments people here make are so interesting and many are sad. But some are uplifting.
I love when Gus comes 😁 He is so adorable! ❤ Thank you Dr. Les. You're helping me a great deal.
Love Gus!
Agreed. I hope Gus is getting residuals.
ALLLLLL but a couple of these. Wow. I knew these things were happening. I made the mistake of making excuses and not telling my supports about any of it. Once I did, they were all on the same page and pointed out how wrong this all was.
All of them said “Maybe it’s good he’s leaving….” “Are you sure you want this relationship” “This is all really concerning and extremely manipulative “. Eye opening. Finally talking about it led me to all these videos and wow I didn’t realize the nuances of a narcissist person and relationship. Incredible how easily one can get sucked into all this and take the blame, even though there’s that underlying feeling of “this isn’t right” 😢
This isn't right....listen to yourself!
Yes, I used to think that. Life was full of double standards. Accountable, secrets, lying by omission, going into a rage, spend all the time with his family...ugh! I used to think possessive = controlling = abusive, but never new about narcissism. When I got out of the relationship (which I lost my job and 2 weeks later he kicked me out on the spot with no where to go at 62 like a piece of discusting trash never to talk agin after 4 1/2 yrs) I felt I got rid of a big thumb pushing me down. I was so broken, but I'm getting better. I cried everyday for 3 months that I gave my heart to a cold hearted soulless not even human. If I ever have to look in his eyes again I will see the devil.
43 years. Need I say more? He gets worse by the day. Is this disease inherited? His whole family are narcissists. Especially his mother. Omgosh I don’t go near her. I can’t even stand to hear her voice. I’ve learned how to handle him but his mom is not my problem. They get along great. Sad but true. Birds of a feather flock together. The two of them together almost kills me. I can’t. I just can’t. I’m not the only family member that avoids her. I see it very clearly now. Thank you doctor. 🙏🏻
These people are TOXIC and best avoided at all cost.
Your going to get told you can’t do it and they will get angry when losing perceived control.
So do EXACTLY WHAT YOU WANT as the end result is they will be angry either way.
My ex-wife was this way. She eventually backed herself into a corner because every rule or behavior she wanted me to follow, I also held her feet to the same fire and standard and insisted she live by the same rules she was applying to me. Eventually she had so many rules that neither one of us was allowed to even breath air.
Oh boy, have I heard that many times in a passive aggressive way ~ "It's desirable to invest time in ME, it's selfish to invest time in YOURSELF "
That's captures the essence of it. Dr. C
A man who gets moral info from a good dog is a man with something to say!
The Son of Sam got some terrible advice from his dog.
You have described my son in this so well, your video's are life changing for desperate people
They gossip about everybody else's business but you better not say anything about theirs
Quick Overview for those who are visually oriented like me! :
1. My opinions are of extreme importance... but your opinions don't matter
2. I get to criticize you whenever I want...but you can't criticize me at all
3. You have to stay accountable to me...but I don't have to stay accountable to you
4. I can yell and curse at you...but you'd better not yell and curse at me
5. It's desirable to invest time in my people...but it's not desirable to invest time in your people
6. You need to understand me thoroughly...but I don't need to be understanding towards you
7. I can label your character anyway I want...but you had better not label me
8. When I defend myself, it makes sense...but yours is whiney and thin-skinned
9. I can speak about you to others anyway I want...but you can't speak negatively to anyone
about me
10. I don't need counseling...but you need counseling because you are so messed up
Narcissists 2 basic Rules:
1. I'm always right
2. Always remember rule #1
Realizations non-narcissists need to understand when dealing with Narcissist
1. You'll have very low levels of cooperation (not very conscientious and no empathy)
2. Narcissists don't want input
3. High entitlement leads to double standards
4. Don't let the Narcissist do the thinking for you (they are just one person and your opinion
matters)--think about what is right/makes sense to you, no need to argue
5. Boundaries: staying within the definition of you (Jewish proverb- "Fools despise wisdom
and instruction) * Also a proverb in the Bible, too (Proverbs 23:9 -this is added by me, not by this
author)
6. A good life is anchored in an open-mindedness, attitude of blendedness, coordination and
cooperation
7. Narcissists are foolish!
Blessings
THANK YOU MORE THAN I CAN SAY FOR TYPING THE NOTES. IM SO VISUAL. was scrolling comments hopeful someone had done this bc its 4am and I've cried for days. this video was so validating. and I sure need the notes. huge help!
Thanks so much. You deserve a special place in heaven.
Thank you so much. This is so helpful!
Gus is a love bug. I love animals, books. Music and indie/foreign films. And Paris. Am I an HSP, introvert, empath, child of abuse? Well yes. Yes I am.
Thank you for your kindness, Dr. Carter. You remind us traumatized souls that not everyone is a garbage person.
Doctor Carter my ex did all that. It was so abusive and so frustrating even when she tries to control who I told what was going on trying to shame me telling me I had a big mouth besides all the other games and lies and gaslighting and projection etc
yes my former, is alll about his gossip drama , and expects me to stay quiet
yes,yes,yes.that checklist sounds like my narcissistic relatives.One standard for us,and another for you.Its enraging.And of course, if i point this out,no one wants to hear it.I have panic attacks from the narcissistic abuse i have endured at family gatherings.thank you dr.carter.DJIgnatin ,philadelphia,pa.
Privacy. This is not mention enough. Narcissist will cross so many boundaries to get all the 411 in your life and are double standard when it comes to privacy.
They can have the right to privacy, but God forbid you have a private life or they will make your life hell for it.
Thanks Doc. My situation only improved when I kept way from them 🤘🏼😎
So simple yet so difficult before we accept the truth.
I found that out the hard way.
Dr Carter, I love your wise and dignified videos. The narcissist in my life is nasty to me, but charming and caring with others.... he's actually betraying me so he wants to break me, and show me in a bad light and make his new friend look saintly
Painfully accurate, Dr. Carter. Thanks for this video!
100% accurate. They are such hypocrites .
yes doc I'm with you..survivor soon to be thriver
I’ve only just realised from watching this video, the differences between my family and my in-laws. Whenever I speak with or visit my in-laws, they always enquire about the well being of my family. They remember my family’s names and what I’ve told them about what is happening with them.
I don’t have much contact with my family these days, but in the early days of my marriage I had more contact. The only contact I have now is via an aunt who recently went though some serious health issues, she suffered a number of heart attacks and was in hospital for a while. My late husband’s family called me to see that my aunt was ok and asked me to send her their best wishes for a speedy recovery.
But with my family, they make no attempt to know my late husband’s family. They don’t even remember their names. It’s as if they are of no significance to them. I told my aunt that Kevin’s cousin sent her best wishes for a speedy recovery and my aunt said, who? I had to remind her that they were introduced to one another at my wedding and that this cousin always asks after my aunt because my aunt had made a good impression on this cousin. But all my aunt could say was, well that’s Kevin’s family, not yours.
After I lost my husband just over 4 years ago. My late husband’s family wrapped themselves around me and gave me all the support and love I needed to pick myself back up again. My aunt and her two sons (my cousins), were the only attendees from my family to come to the funeral. Not a single member of my family stayed to help me or support me. After the funeral I didn’t receive one phone call from my family to see how I was coping. And yet my husband’s family were and still are a major part of my life.
It’s like you say in this video Dr Carter, my relationships with others is of no importance to them but to the narcissist’s, their relationships as they see it is everything.
They have my pity because I can see how there responses limits the quality of their lives.
Thank you 🙏 for this video.
The Biblical story of Ruth and Naomi comes to mind. You were so blessed to marry into a functional family; and I'm sure you were a blessing to them too. I imagine it helped a lot to make up for a lack of closeness in your family of origin. Unfortunately I married into a cold and rejecting family (which -- apparently -- at the time was what I thought I deserved). If only I could have known then what I've learned since... And a fair amount of that learning has happened thanks to Dr. C!
I’m sorry to hear your you had those experiences with your husband’s family, and notwithstanding my own positive experiences of my in-laws, I still firmly believe that when we marry, we marry our spouses and not their family. It’s great 👍 if we can get along with them but our main relationship is with the person we chose as our partner.
I’m glad you’ve found Dr Carter’s videos. I find them so helpful. I only wish this kind of resource had been available when I was growing up.
❤️
@@REJ5557 I'm totally with you on that.
@@REJ5557 same here ....wish i knew this stuff decades ago.
I’m sorry for your loss.
When I was a kid we had an older kid in the neighborhood who would only play games with younger kids who didnt know the rules of the game. He would alter and change them to his benefit. Eventually you would pick up on it and not play with him anymore. All the neighborhood kids eventually called it playing by"Johnny Rules" and it became a substitute phrase for saying someone was cheating or being unethical in general ("Hey! I know youre playing by Johnny Rules!") Narcs play by Johnny Rules, Period. Dont play with them cause their just setting you up for the loose.
Whenever I have attempted to defend myself (big mistake) to my spouse, he always accuses me of "making excuses". He doesn't accept logical, rational explanations for anything because he always had to be right. And conversely, he tries to defend his completely indefensible behaviors by making the lamest excuses, and I'm supposed to accept that without any reservation- even when he lies.
Unfairness as a lifestyle.
If you play chess with a narcissist, you play with the peasents only. Huh?
If you ask where your other pieces are, you are rude, mean, ungrateful etc
It's also madness as a lifestyle.
Gus is the very model of loving behavior for us all! Good job, Dr C - thanks for a thorough inventory of narc behaviors. Bless your heart!
Well said ! my mother was a nars, she taught my daughter to be one, she's 58 yrs old and still not grown up. They do all they can to destroy you, there's not one ounce of love in these kind of people, all you have was put there for them to take. 👹!!!!
If a lot of people were more like Gus, we'd all get along so much better. When I'm feeling down and crushed by my extremely selfish, narcisstic husband, whom I can't afford to leave, watching your videos are so uplifting. Seeing Gus at the end of this video, is like the icing on the cake. I love dogs. In fact, I love all animals. I find my little terrier, Teddy, very comforting. He and Gus would get along very well, I think.
Oh number 4!! Yes if I raised my voice well that’s not allowed. But he could yell, curse and insult. And yes you cannot defend yourself and my feelings would be dismissed.
Holy cow! That is exactly the relationship with my narc brother!!! Every single one! 😱. What an eye opener.
I’ve been 1 year NARC FREE....I’ve been so happy this year but I’m still kicking myself for wasting 21 years of my life with him, still having those out of the blue moments of “ how will he react” moments (even though I’ve had no contact since the minute he left).....but I am getting better every day and am so grateful to God for getting me out.
Free! And BTW as long as your learning continues, those 21 years weren't completely wasted. Thanks for sharing. Dr. C
Man this stuff is good for the soul. I finally have my self-esteem back since I cut off all contact with my narcissist.
Keep leaning forward! Dr. C
Oh my gosh...you couldn't even know how much you just explained someone fully to me...
One of your best videos. They keep getting better, more succinct, and more understandable. I love Gus! You are lifting me from depression day by day. Thank you. I now know what is going on. THANKS!
Amazing video.... thank you Dr Carter!!..... Happy Holidays!🌲🙏🌲🙏🌲
Hi Gus 🖐️ 🖐️
Thank you, Dr. Les. It is a privilege to listen to your posts. I look forward to seeing Gus too!
Same here! Life saving videos and Gus is the icing on the cake!
I agree!
Wrote it all down , read, reread, again and again. Remind yourself of where you’ve been, may be still and keep perspective, the hardest part.
Dr. Carter, I was late to this particular party but it's spot on! You have no idea how much you're helping me. Thank you! Thank you!💜
Gus is adorable but just like my Shih Tzu, he really doesn't seem thrilled to be in front of the camera. So cute!😆👍
My father ticked all 10 boxes
The clear descriptions provide such reluef from the crazymaking! It makes it so much easier to just accept them like accepting bad weather. It helps me not get mad, but just get out of the way!
Typical, the double standards! My friend has so many. She told me recently she was diagnosed having a burnout. It was caused because I had spoken with her about my problems all the time. I feel guilty though it is not true. I tell her I understand she cannot have other people's trouble now, suffering from a burnout. How dare I say that? She replies that she is still the strong, wonderful and positive person she always is (without flaws or issues...). She only mentioned the burnout to make me feel bad and insecure, it does not mean she is weak or out of balance. She will deal with the burnout herself, she definitely does not need counselling or advise from me. That is only for weak people like me.
When in grad school, I was working, and we were going out to eat more than usual as a family. I was in charge of the housework and cooking (no surprise there when married to a narc) and was too exhausted to cook some nights. I suggested when we did go out to eat, I, my daughter, and then husband would take turns choosing restaurants. My then narc husband said something like "You are so selfish because you just want to eat where you want to eat." I responded, yes, a third of the time since there are three people on our family. In his mind, if I ever got to choose the restaurant, I was being selfish. What restaurant you eat at is not a big deal, but this example shows the mindset of a narc.
I used to ask myself what's wrong with me? What can I do to make him happy? Why doesn't he love me? I'm ashamed to say that I tried so hard to make him happy that as time went by I was wondering what about me? Then I thought maybe he never cared about me? It took our daughter to say; "mom it's not you! I don't think dad is capable of loving anyone but himself!"
I'm overwhelmed every time I listen to one of your videos. I WISH I could have seen these years ago! Every video describes the life I lived with my ex-husband for 23 years. EVERYTHING that you say will come out of the narcissists mouth, came out of his! Thank you for confirming what I knew in my heart wasn't right.
Spot-on.
My narcissistic mom always says end of story after she barks her orders. She says I need your help because I can't do for myself because I'm old. She's only 64. If I need her to help me she'll tell me no one owes you shit in this world. Double standard all way around! Thx for everything that you do. It's definitely making a impact!
I have/had that mother. Sad isn't it
Thank you, Dr. Carter, for describing my Mother PERFECTLY
It helps immensely to know I'm not the crazy one for thinking she has double standards with me
Exactly as Dr Les said, they won't even listen to themselves. If I could tell my mother today about these double standards she would surely say: "of course it doesn't apply to me, I've been living for longer than you, OF COURSE I know better. So you better listen and shut up"
Tatiana de Campos oh yeah I’ve heard that saying before
Secretive, they can curse you, you're not allowed to say anything, you have to follow their rules, they tell you that you are crazy, they have extreme anger and it's all directed at you. Dr C you are right on. They wear you out physically and mentally. They ate childish in their behavior. It's a daily battle. We have to be very strong or they will take over your home and your peace. Bless you Dr Carter.
“I can have double standards... you can’t”
Thank you for helping me to understand that I was raised by narcissists and continue to be subject to their toxicity.
Nice clear simple presentation defining those double standards. Right on target.
What understandably is not emphasized in this particular video, because it requires a video of its own, is the abusiveness of how these hypocrisies are enforced.
The insults, guilting, shaming, gaslighting, and physical attacks when the narcs partner does not fall into line. This abuse creates fear and self doubt. The victim may need intervention to know how to set boundaries and think clearly for himself. Very often the narc makes it unsafe for the victim to attempt to defend himself or be resistant to the narcs games. They control and withhold
things important to the partner, threaten, start smear campaigns, and generally make life even more miserable. Which they are able to do with great precision since they know all the partners vulnerabilities.
And often no one else is able to see what is going on, so any complaints by the victim makes him look foolish or crazy. He receives no support which increases his self doubt, emotionally crippling him further.
It’s a terrible trap.
You're right. That will be addressed elsewhere. Dr. C
We should all be more like Gus!
"Do what I say, not what I do."