"Don't forget about the grief in transitions. Even when those transitions are objectively good, we're always leaving something behind. Be careful that you don't confuse your grief as an indicator that the transition is wrong."- Vienna Pharaon
I did this today before watching this . Thank you ! I finally gained the strength to remove the person from my life. It feels so much better than the fear and anxiety that became the norm.
I can validate that you’re SO on point on this. I’ve noticed (after a lot of pain, trial and error) that when I start to feel anxiety there is something very wrong and I need to step back and asses what I need to change. It’s usually a relationship or job. I
I’m getting a HUGE lesson now in boundaries, not getting drawn into strong emotions from a family member. Trying to be there for them, without losing sight of my own well-being (healthissues). And making choices, for which I alone take responsibility, as the other person isn’t taking any. This is a recurrent theme. I find it heavy to carry. As this persons life is coming to an end, I can’t express myself authentically (I rarely have anyway in this case), so the question comes in: what can I do?I tend to feel trapped. But today I can make different choices, taking myself also I to account.The only way out that I see, is staying close to myself through whatever we have to go through, validate myself and in the inner knowing that there is no right or wrong in (difficult) choices. Only life lessons to be learned.. This looks like an ultimate lesson to stop looking for validation and love out there.........A tough one. But absolutely very important... I note the absence of emotional support in my surroundings. That is...my difficulty to express, ask... luckily there are therapists, like yourself. Helping us to get a clearer understanding of how it, and we, work. Thank you for what you do!🙏🏻
Prior to watching your videos I have struggled with such self blame and felt inability to deal with my emotions most of the time. I grew up with so much violence and trauma around me but I was never allowed to express the emotions they evoked and ended up internalized most of this as my fault. I did something to cause that. I consistently found myself working harder to do things better and for these situations to change. I abandoned everything about myself to please these people and still ended up being rejected and put down. Through it all the one thing that I came to realize that although I had lost my hope in believing in God, he did not lose hope in me. I was praying like I never prayed before about truly feeling emotional and mental anguish daily because of anxiety that I struggle with but has never been supported by people around me, mainly my mom and my ex. I did get to the point recently where I truly wanted to dig deeper and heal. I wanted to feel joy and not be afraid that it will only last less than a day. I awoke in the middle of the night to find your video on attachment trauma and it is changing my life. Thank you. I need to follow up with a therapist who understands these wounds very well, do you have resources? I have done traditional therapy and it felt like it mainly taught me to take more of the blame, which I felt I did but ended up with the same results of abandonment and rejection.
Someone who I really started to care for became cold and detached and broke commitments with me. It was so hard to give up. I gave quite a bit of my ideal self and then my real self.. the hooks were deep. But today I ceased communication entirely for the kid inside who needs to heal and know he deserves better. Your videos and lots of support from amazing people in my life helped me with that. Thank you.
JUST KNOWING there is someone like you in this world really kickstarts that validation process. (Not to minimize your work. You have helped me and I thank you, angel)
Wow... I’ve typed many replies to this post...deleted them all and still stand in amazement of your candour, intelligence, and depth of material knowledge... thank you... I saved this video to watch again... and as many times as needed..
They might not have had tools but a dog can learn new tricks. If your child is telling you they are hurt and you still don't listen or they set boundaries and you still try to manipulate them to benefit themselves, that's when you know they're not trying. Parents aren't to blame because everyone is trying their best but there is a fine line
You are perfect. Beautiful on the inside and outside. I have been looking for answers all over the place and felt as if I was narcissistic. Thank you for showing me that I’m not crazy and my feelings are valid.
I can’t blame anyone for not being attentive to my highly sensitive nature and I try not to become attached to others because I usually deal with the idea of not being treated equally on an emotional level. This is prevalent in work/romantic/friendship relationships. I’ve found that separating myself and my emotional world from these places helps me maneuver through situations easier but I don’t like the notion of having to water down my emotions in order to feel like a functioning member of society. It’s draining and I can only do it for so long but I don’t want to give up on myself. But I’ve learned to trust myself and it’s really empowering to hear you speak abt things that I’ve already began to believe and makes me feel like I’m on my right path. 🌱🖤
I love all your videos and wish I could afford to take one of your courses or programs but in the meantime I keep watching your videos and feel so validated. Could you make a video on the struggles of dating again after abuse/narcissistic relationships? I keep having emotional flashbacks, triggers, and bad dreams about the new person I'm dating. I'm pretty sure he isn't a toxic manipulative person, but I am so hyper vigilant and literally look at every single thing and analyze it as a red flag or not. I can't discern whether its intuition or I'm projecting my hyper vigilance and emotional flashbacks onto him.
@@brit331 isnt it just so paralyzing? The fear is holding me back and causing self sabotaging behaviours. I told him a little bit about me and how I can be triggered but he was completely understanding and held space for me without judgement. If I accuse him of something he never gas lights me or tells I'm crazy. He encourages me to speak up. So based on how well be communicates when I set boundaries it doesnt seem like he is a narcissist but my mind keeps going back to that the minute I get triggered or over think.
I've been through these exact steps...I am at the last one, trying to figure it out myself and I need, who I am. Thank you so much, Candace. You really really help me with your videos.
Love what you said about not blaming parents, so often parents are used as a reason for all the badstuff, because sadly there is horrible parents out there, but me for example, I had good parents, but they lacked emotional and stable tools because of their childhood.
I can't thank you enough for putting all of these videos out on YT. I could write a book on the lessons learned since starting this new chapter in my independent life. Yes, I agree, there should be more universities offering this field for graduates. Absofriggin tootley
Seriously, in an out of AA all of my 20s. Always try n latch onto women and when they leave every aspect of my life crumbles. Highly sensitive Male, terribly distant with my mom and sister. This resonates more than anything I have ever heard
.... Ma'am you are calling me out. lol I just cut off my boyfriend a few weeks ago because of these same qualities. I am proud of myself for doing it, but I am watching these videos for reassurance that what I did was right. Thank you. ❤
You know I was in a long distance relationship with a boy who stopped texting me, stopped asking me how I was, stopped everything Now, thanks to this I won't be in another ldr anymore cause it destroyed me from inside But well, sadly I realized how narcissist he is. I told him I wanted him to be more present and that I was hurt and he said: "what can I do about it? If you're hurt it's your choice, cause I'm not doing anything to you" and this shocked me, really. Whenever I wanted to talk about us (cause he was sending one single message per day, and it was only to answer me randomly) he basically said that I was obsessed and dependent and blamed me for having feelings for him I've never cried so much in my entire life, he made me feel bad about myself and even more insecure, I thought and still think he walked away from me because of me I asked him one million times what happened, cause I swear, one month before disappearing and treating me like a carpet he said he was happy about having me in his life. And I believed him oh god. Well he said that it wasn't about me, I was good, it was just something inside of him that made him lose his feelings for me. Tbh I don't really believe him but that's what he said many times I can't believe he made me think I'm twisted when the crazy one is him. Tbh I need to learn how to recognize toxic people and remember to never lower my standards when it comes to love and tell myself that I deserve love Thanks for this video, it made me feel better ☺️
Hope you're feeling better now. When I read your comment, what comes to my mind is that your ex actually said one true thing maybe and that being "It's not about you, you are good, it is just sth inside of me". You should go with that... that's it. My ex boyfriend did the same. He wasn't interested in what I thought, wanted or needed. When I wanted to express myself he said the exact same thing:" What can I do about it, I don't have anything to do with your feelings...if you're hurt it is your choice.." he made me feel so disconnected from him, myself, everything. My world turned grey and sad. He was blame shifting and gaslighting and I couldn't believe that he would actually do all this to me and because I still believed in him I held on to this "relationship" for years. :/ We deserve better. Have a good life:-)
Thanks Candace💕 I love the part stop sharing your motional-being with the wrong people. Maybe not sharing it at all for a while is the right choice ...amen 🙏
What Can I do ? Raised by narrasists mother Married narrasist man! Now divorced But because of mental abuse from both for years I've totally messed my life up to the extent No one Speaks to me NOW Totally abandoned by everyone in my family Trying To do 12 step program to get MYSELF back In meantime family doesn't like me standing on my own to get MYSELF straight! Everyone has totally gotten angry and have disowned me!! Hurts my heart 💔 TRULY Knowing your completely ALONE No family at all to talk to or to support you 😭😭😭😭😭 Hurts my heart to the core 💔💔💔
Hi Candace. Thank you you first of all for all the insightful videos you have on YT - have helped me heal greatly - And this one rung more insight bells and listening to it a second time increased that. However, it's not true that all parents have the best intentions for their children. That's just simply not true. I understand there are parents who inadvertently cause trauma to their offspring But then there are also parents who are abusive.. and there were certainly healthy families and healthy parents before TH-cam ( In general, I consider the internet a very Pro/con thing in terms of human interaction I think it also has negatively impacted the way humans treat each other.) On a personal note my own father who has a presumptive diagnosis of bipolar disorder comorbid with narcissism and antisocial seemingly w/ no self-awareness. And it wouldn't have mattered what insightful or emotionally healingTH-cam video he had watched.. He has had therapy in the past when I was little. And would make up things and manipulate the psychologist. In a way, I feel like I've struggled to understand he's not really fullly human. Abuse that continues - He was kind enough to send me an abusive letter and make sure it arrived exactly on my birthday last November, ga. I just had to speak up about those points that hit me as untrue in this video because I appreciate so much of your the videos, and was moved by the one where you talk about how the fact we were originally wounded is not our fault and when you talk about best intentions in this way I feel it could be harmful to the healing of those of us who had caretakers where that was tragically not the case. unfortunately, there are truly bad people out there and they are allowed to have children that are trapped in their vulnerable formative years with them.
I stopped contact with a very toxic partner, it was a long term relationship that last for over 8 years. In that relationship I completely lost myself that I don’t remember who I really am.. it’s been almost 2 months since I stopped talking to him, and I feel anxious and scared most of the time..
I think the opposite is true. If, as you say, one or more parents were emotionally absent from a childs life as mine were, I think we seek out those who will pay attention to us. If someone puts their hand on your leg while talking to you, or takes extra time to assure you are satisfied, or seems concerned with your wellbeing, we fall in love. Thats why we are so vulnerable to those who recognize and exploit that through manipulation. However, because we are "missing that big piece," we also recognize relationships that resemble the one we grew up with as being bad for us. When someone doesnt ever have time, they dont listen when you talk, or otherwise shows no respect, consideration or empathy for you, we know to run far and fast.
This not sharing is a good idea but it is often hard. It can lead to isolation and makes things seem worse for me. I do have some people that do not invalidate me but it is rather rare experience for me. It is also odd that I feel I am rather good at understanding what is going on for others. Have you ever done a video about unrequited love ? I have a sense this is common for HSP/empaths. The idea that we have easily activated attachment systems. It doesn't happen often but when it does it is significant and very challenging for myself to simply put aside.
@Melissa Lee Thank you for replying. I also keep a journal and have on and off for years. My wonderful people are far and in between. I am quite extroverted and tend to enjoy the company of others however I am also HSP (actually I feel I am in the empath zone which I am still trying to understand) which means often my heart is wide open. I have had what I thought were trustworthy people only to be hurt by them suddenly with little to no forewarning. I wish sometimes I had the right friend to discuss things with, a person with whom I could process, to feel understood, who didn't try to rescue me, judge me. They just accepted how I felt and provided reflection. Validation and empathy are the best healing tools I am aware of. The only people that seem to be able to do this are qualified therapists. I even told mine, I wish you could be my friend, which of course cannot be.
@Melissa Lee I wish I had the kind of people you have. I did tell some people today that I feel safe with them or words to that effect. I am not friends with any of them yet but it is a start. I saw your site by the way. You certainly aren't shy !!
Always wonder if we could actually post it up and let them watch how they are affecting us and they have their mistake as well besides us being the codependent.
I have a question I’ve lived in a home surrounded by mental health siblings. They have bipolar and all sort of issues. Me I’ve had HIV my whole life and I’m just feeling really shity
But even without youtube, some people who were abused ended up as good people even though they were damaged, they didn't want to destroy people whereas others became mean.... there's always been this difference... something is happening at a deeper level otherwise all abused people in the past would have become abusive
Could you give me some advice ?? I was in a 2 year toxic relationship with the first guy I ever loved. I am an empath and have codependency issues. 7 months ago I had to cut things off with him due to a DV case I had to file against him. I’m still in so much pain though every day and it’s been 7 whole months....my head makes me feel like it’s because we are meant for each other...what is wrong with me????
It's a mental tie. Stop thinking about them. Think about your life goals and happiness. Watch sheraseven1 channel. She's helpful about being a high value woman and weeding out bad men.
OMG I'm so living this right now. I've finally mustered the courage to leave my marriage for all of these reasons & more. We are the perfect couple in the eyes of many but OMG such an unfulfilling, empty and superficial relationship in reality. Part of it is obviously my fault, as I was a mess. A COMPLETE MESS and he took advantage of that. He made me feel safe but in the process I lost myself, family, friends. And the more I've grown, the more my husband wants to control me. The more I open up, the more he shuts me down. Soul Sisters, Candace has got some SOUL FOOD cooking here. DIG IN
Sarah Bowling well funny enough, my new podcast is called SOUL FOOD with Candace van Dell hahaha!! This man sounds very text book “covert” narcissistic. They can sniff out the vulnerability at the beginning and when you become strong they grow scared you will leave and elevate the control. This is why it’s called 1. Love bombing 2. Devaluing 3. Discarding. They love bomb you so you make your whole life about them, then you feel safe and start to grow and they don’t feel safe so they start to knock you down and devalue you and eventually discard all your feelings and maybe even you. Stay on your path of awareness. You are doing great and your inner guidance will make boundaries and bold moves as you need. I am always here to support!!
I am a very sensitive person with a narcissistic adult daughter .she is using her children who live with me as weapons against me do I use the same practice you advice for other situations , ?
"Don't forget about the grief in transitions. Even when those transitions are objectively good, we're always leaving something behind. Be careful that you don't confuse your grief as an indicator that the transition is wrong."- Vienna Pharaon
Brady ❤️❤️
Yes, someday soon, I hope this will be taught in every school -in the world!
yes please!!!
Thank God I came across this channel.
He was toxic and narrassict.
He only blame me for everything.
All I felt was anxiety.
I did this today before watching this . Thank you ! I finally gained the strength to remove the person from my life. It feels so much better than the fear and anxiety that became the norm.
I can validate that you’re SO on point on this. I’ve noticed (after a lot of pain, trial and error) that when I start to feel anxiety there is something very wrong and I need to step back and asses what I need to change. It’s usually a relationship or job. I
I’m getting a HUGE lesson now in boundaries, not getting drawn into strong emotions from a family member. Trying to be there for them, without losing sight of my own well-being (healthissues). And making choices, for which I alone take responsibility, as the other person isn’t taking any. This is a recurrent theme. I find it heavy to carry. As this persons life is coming to an end, I can’t express myself authentically (I rarely have anyway in this case), so the question comes in: what can I do?I tend to feel trapped. But today I can make different choices, taking myself also I to account.The only way out that I see, is staying close to myself through whatever we have to go through, validate myself and in the inner knowing that there is no right or wrong in (difficult) choices. Only life lessons to be learned.. This looks like an ultimate lesson to stop looking for validation and love out there.........A tough one. But absolutely very important... I note the absence of emotional support in my surroundings. That is...my difficulty to express, ask... luckily there are therapists, like yourself. Helping us to get a clearer understanding of how it, and we, work. Thank you for what you do!🙏🏻
Your videos are taught in my class. I've shown your videos to my students. We learned so much from you. Thank you. Stay Amazing
I cannot like this enough times!! Thank you so much!!
Valorie xoxo!!
Prior to watching your videos I have struggled with such self blame and felt inability to deal with my emotions most of the time. I grew up with so much violence and trauma around me but I was never allowed to express the emotions they evoked and ended up internalized most of this as my fault. I did something to cause that. I consistently found myself working harder to do things better and for these situations to change. I abandoned everything about myself to please these people and still ended up being rejected and put down. Through it all the one thing that I came to realize that although I had lost my hope in believing in God, he did not lose hope in me. I was praying like I never prayed before about truly feeling emotional and mental anguish daily because of anxiety that I struggle with but has never been supported by people around me, mainly my mom and my ex. I did get to the point recently where I truly wanted to dig deeper and heal. I wanted to feel joy and not be afraid that it will only last less than a day. I awoke in the middle of the night to find your video on attachment trauma and it is changing my life. Thank you. I need to follow up with a therapist who understands these wounds very well, do you have resources? I have done traditional therapy and it felt like it mainly taught me to take more of the blame, which I felt I did but ended up with the same results of abandonment and rejection.
I am staying away from Men I Am Loving Myself I am done with Men and Relationships
U ain't done lil mama just do u for now in the meantime things will be in motion
Mary Ann Knox I’ve said this before and somehow attracted toxic people still...invite positive relationships only
@@MaryPaulCo very true! it's not just romantic relationships but also attracting toxic friendships.
Someone who I really started to care for became cold and detached and broke commitments with me. It was so hard to give up. I gave quite a bit of my ideal self and then my real self.. the hooks were deep. But today I ceased communication entirely for the kid inside who needs to heal and know he deserves better. Your videos and lots of support from amazing people in my life helped me with that. Thank you.
JUST KNOWING there is someone like you in this world really kickstarts that validation process. (Not to minimize your work. You have helped me and I thank you, angel)
I really liked your work. Its helping me to get attuned with my thoughts, actions and feelings. Highly appreciated.
Wow... I’ve typed many replies to this post...deleted them all and still stand in amazement of your candour, intelligence, and depth of material knowledge... thank you...
I saved this video to watch again... and as many times as needed..
More people need to watch your videos. So much wisdom and insight. Thank you for your content 🙏
You are such a beautiful person and not only your apparence.... Wow!
They might not have had tools but a dog can learn new tricks. If your child is telling you they are hurt and you still don't listen or they set boundaries and you still try to manipulate them to benefit themselves, that's when you know they're not trying. Parents aren't to blame because everyone is trying their best but there is a fine line
You are perfect. Beautiful on the inside and outside. I have been looking for answers all over the place and felt as if I was narcissistic. Thank you for showing me that I’m not crazy and my feelings are valid.
Again very true and clearly explained you are an inspiring coach, take great care, all the Best !
I can’t blame anyone for not being attentive to my highly sensitive nature and I try not to become attached to others because I usually deal with the idea of not being treated equally on an emotional level. This is prevalent in work/romantic/friendship relationships. I’ve found that separating myself and my emotional world from these places helps me maneuver through situations easier but I don’t like the notion of having to water down my emotions in order to feel like a functioning member of society. It’s draining and I can only do it for so long but I don’t want to give up on myself. But I’ve learned to trust myself and it’s really empowering to hear you speak abt things that I’ve already began to believe and makes me feel like I’m on my right path. 🌱🖤
I love all your videos and wish I could afford to take one of your courses or programs but in the meantime I keep watching your videos and feel so validated. Could you make a video on the struggles of dating again after abuse/narcissistic relationships? I keep having emotional flashbacks, triggers, and bad dreams about the new person I'm dating. I'm pretty sure he isn't a toxic manipulative person, but I am so hyper vigilant and literally look at every single thing and analyze it as a red flag or not. I can't discern whether its intuition or I'm projecting my hyper vigilance and emotional flashbacks onto him.
YES THIS. EXACTLY THIS. I’m going through the exact same thinf
YES I sure will! This is a very important subject ✨✨
@@CandacevanDell thank you SO much!! I will keep an eye on your channel :)
@@brit331 isnt it just so paralyzing? The fear is holding me back and causing self sabotaging behaviours. I told him a little bit about me and how I can be triggered but he was completely understanding and held space for me without judgement. If I accuse him of something he never gas lights me or tells I'm crazy. He encourages me to speak up. So based on how well be communicates when I set boundaries it doesnt seem like he is a narcissist but my mind keeps going back to that the minute I get triggered or over think.
I've been through these exact steps...I am at the last one, trying to figure it out myself and I need, who I am. Thank you so much, Candace. You really really help me with your videos.
Amen I have watched 4 of your videos . I've watched many videos and I'm definteky trying to address the root of my issues
Thank you that you are doing this.
Love what you said about not blaming parents, so often parents are used as a reason for all the badstuff, because sadly there is horrible parents out there, but me for example, I had good parents, but they lacked emotional and stable tools because of their childhood.
i hope and wish they will be played in our South African schools. thank you for your advice😘
I think this is one of your best video you’ve made up so far 🙏it explains clearly and in detail the matter
This is gold!
Wow 🙏🏽 Thank you, truly from the bottom of my heart
Thank you Candace 🙏😇✨💖 God bless you 🙏✨
Shawna Xhori 🙏🏻💓✨🙏🏻
You are giving me so much hope. Thank you from the bottom of my heart ❤️
I can't thank you enough for putting all of these videos out on YT. I could write a book on the lessons learned since starting this new chapter in my independent life. Yes, I agree, there should be more universities offering this field for graduates. Absofriggin tootley
I needed this tonight
Perfect!! Just what I’ve been yearning to learn!! 🙌🏻
Thank u so much. Bless u, thank u for helping me free myself.
Thank you, I’m learning this now
Kesha Amazing!
So utterly succinct and beautifully spoken. I love you and I’m so grateful for the lessons you’ve helped me learn 💜💜💜
Thank you for sharing your wisdom. I learned so much!!!!! Now I need to apply those principles to my life.
Seriously, in an out of AA all of my 20s. Always try n latch onto women and when they leave every aspect of my life crumbles. Highly sensitive Male, terribly distant with my mom and sister. This resonates more than anything I have ever heard
.... Ma'am you are calling me out. lol
I just cut off my boyfriend a few weeks ago because of these same qualities. I am proud of myself for doing it, but I am watching these videos for reassurance that what I did was right. Thank you. ❤
Another great video. You give me hope.
Attachment Trauma
Is what I unfortunately subconsciously was attached to!
I was 1.uncertain
2.conditional of people never being there
3.insecure
I will never thank you enough
I love your videos. Thank you for your work
You know I was in a long distance relationship with a boy who stopped texting me, stopped asking me how I was, stopped everything
Now, thanks to this I won't be in another ldr anymore cause it destroyed me from inside
But well, sadly I realized how narcissist he is. I told him I wanted him to be more present and that I was hurt and he said: "what can I do about it? If you're hurt it's your choice, cause I'm not doing anything to you" and this shocked me, really. Whenever I wanted to talk about us (cause he was sending one single message per day, and it was only to answer me randomly) he basically said that I was obsessed and dependent and blamed me for having feelings for him
I've never cried so much in my entire life, he made me feel bad about myself and even more insecure, I thought and still think he walked away from me because of me
I asked him one million times what happened, cause I swear, one month before disappearing and treating me like a carpet he said he was happy about having me in his life. And I believed him oh god. Well he said that it wasn't about me, I was good, it was just something inside of him that made him lose his feelings for me. Tbh I don't really believe him but that's what he said many times
I can't believe he made me think I'm twisted when the crazy one is him. Tbh I need to learn how to recognize toxic people and remember to never lower my standards when it comes to love and tell myself that I deserve love
Thanks for this video, it made me feel better ☺️
Hope you're feeling better now. When I read your comment, what comes to my mind is that your ex actually said one true thing maybe and that being "It's not about you, you are good, it is just sth inside of me".
You should go with that... that's it.
My ex boyfriend did the same. He wasn't interested in what I thought, wanted or needed. When I wanted to express myself he said the exact same thing:" What can I do about it, I don't have anything to do with your feelings...if you're hurt it is your choice.."
he made me feel so disconnected from him, myself, everything. My world turned grey and sad. He was blame shifting and gaslighting and I couldn't believe that he would actually do all this to me and because I still believed in him I held on to this "relationship" for years. :/
We deserve better. Have a good life:-)
Sandromeda yes, it's sad but it's also reassuring that we're not alone on this. We truly deserve better
Thanks Candace💕 I love the part stop sharing your motional-being with the wrong people.
Maybe not sharing it at all for a while is
the right choice ...amen 🙏
Clare Pierce we need to build emotional independence 🙏🏻✨then it’s safe because we are loyal to our own soul.
@@CandacevanDell How do we successfully connect with others while we are on our journey to building emotional independence?
I love your darker warm hair. Just had to say it.
What
Can I do ? Raised by narrasists mother
Married narrasist man! Now divorced
But because of mental abuse from both for years I've totally messed my life up to the extent
No one
Speaks to me NOW
Totally abandoned by everyone in my family
Trying
To do 12 step program to get MYSELF back
In meantime family doesn't like me standing on my own to get MYSELF straight!
Everyone has totally gotten angry and have disowned me!!
Hurts my heart 💔
TRULY
Knowing your completely ALONE
No family at all to talk to or to support you
😭😭😭😭😭
Hurts my heart to the core 💔💔💔
🥰🤗🌻🦋🤍🙏🏽
Hi Candace. Thank you you first of all for all the insightful videos you have on YT - have helped me heal greatly - And this one rung more insight bells and listening to it a second time increased that. However, it's not true that all parents have the best intentions for their children. That's just simply not true. I understand there are parents who inadvertently cause trauma to their offspring But then there are also parents who are abusive.. and there were certainly healthy families and healthy parents before TH-cam ( In general, I consider the internet a very Pro/con thing in terms of human interaction I think it also has negatively impacted the way humans treat each other.) On a personal note my own father who has a presumptive diagnosis of bipolar disorder comorbid with narcissism and antisocial seemingly w/ no self-awareness. And it wouldn't have mattered what insightful or emotionally healingTH-cam video he had watched.. He has had therapy in the past when I was little. And would make up things and manipulate the psychologist. In a way, I feel like I've struggled to understand he's not really fullly human. Abuse that continues - He was kind enough to send me an abusive letter and make sure it arrived exactly on my birthday last November, ga. I just had to speak up about those points that hit me as untrue in this video because I appreciate so much of your the videos, and was moved by the one where you talk about how the fact we were originally wounded is not our fault and when you talk about best intentions in this way I feel it could be harmful to the healing of those of us who had caretakers where that was tragically not the case. unfortunately, there are truly bad people out there and they are allowed to have children that are trapped in their vulnerable formative years with them.
Thanks for this! Love it❤️!!!
Daniella Tan 💜✨
I stopped contact with a very toxic partner, it was a long term relationship that last for over 8 years. In that relationship I completely lost myself that I don’t remember who I really am.. it’s been almost 2 months since I stopped talking to him, and I feel anxious and scared most of the time..
Thank you 🧡
Chelsea W 💙
Oh wow I need this!!
Jazmyn Rachel Love 💚
I think the opposite is true. If, as you say, one or more parents were emotionally absent from a childs life as mine were, I think we seek out those who will pay attention to us. If someone puts their hand on your leg while talking to you, or takes extra time to assure you are satisfied, or seems concerned with your wellbeing, we fall in love. Thats why we are so vulnerable to those who recognize and exploit that through manipulation. However, because we are "missing that big piece," we also recognize relationships that resemble the one we grew up with as being bad for us. When someone doesnt ever have time, they dont listen when you talk, or otherwise shows no respect, consideration or empathy for you, we know to run far and fast.
James Gerboc sounds like exactly what I was explaining.
I been though that with my ex love it candace💛❤
Thank you
What about parents who intentionally and with full awareness manipulate, and destroy their children's lives?
This is SOOO true. Ur brilliant. Thanku ❤❤❤
you’re a gem❤️
Thank you.🙏
Libran Way Tarot 💜
4:10 5:10 8:15 8:45 9:10
Thankx so much so true 👌
Excellent video
Thank you
Thank u
This not sharing is a good idea but it is often hard. It can lead to isolation and makes things seem worse for me. I do have some people that do not invalidate me but it is rather rare experience for me. It is also odd that I feel I am rather good at understanding what is going on for others.
Have you ever done a video about unrequited love ? I have a sense this is common for HSP/empaths. The idea that we have easily activated attachment systems. It doesn't happen often but when it does it is significant and very challenging for myself to simply put aside.
@Melissa Lee Thank you for replying. I also keep a journal and have on and off for years. My wonderful people are far and in between. I am quite extroverted and tend to enjoy the company of others however I am also HSP (actually I feel I am in the empath zone which I am still trying to understand) which means often my heart is wide open. I have had what I thought were trustworthy people only to be hurt by them suddenly with little to no forewarning. I wish sometimes I had the right friend to discuss things with, a person with whom I could process, to feel understood, who didn't try to rescue me, judge me. They just accepted how I felt and provided reflection. Validation and empathy are the best healing tools I am aware of. The only people that seem to be able to do this are qualified therapists. I even told mine, I wish you could be my friend, which of course cannot be.
Silent Grove sounds like Attachment Trauma. Check out my video called “Highly Sensitive People, Relationships & Attachment Trauma”
Melissa Lee you should both consider joining my monthly membership. We meet each Friday 10am and talk as a community over zoom.
@Melissa Lee I wish I had the kind of people you have. I did tell some people today that I feel safe with them or words to that effect. I am not friends with any of them yet but it is a start.
I saw your site by the way. You certainly aren't shy !!
Always wonder if we could actually post it up and let them watch how they are affecting us and they have their mistake as well besides us being the codependent.
I think it would be great to actually have some content on how to solve relationship problems!!! I know a psychic who can help with that!
8:01 this is so true. That I started laughing. Cause we do hit the head against the wall 🤣🤣😂
Hey
I have a question I’ve lived in a home surrounded by mental health siblings. They have bipolar and all sort of issues. Me I’ve had HIV my whole life and I’m just feeling really shity
Thank you! Is there a video about low self-esteem?
Teens&Twins I will make one specifically about that! I have many that talk about it but I don’t think I have ever made one specially about the subject
But even without youtube, some people who were abused ended up as good people even though they were damaged, they didn't want to destroy people whereas others became mean.... there's always been this difference... something is happening at a deeper level otherwise all abused people in the past would have become abusive
I disagree with half of what she says cause I still love myself. I know when I'm majorly wronged....like most of my life!
What about toxic family? Are we supposed to love those who hurt who hurt Us I’m confused
Could you give me some advice ?? I was in a 2 year toxic relationship with the first guy I ever loved. I am an empath and have codependency issues. 7 months ago I had to cut things off with him due to a DV case I had to file against him. I’m still in so much pain though every day and it’s been 7 whole months....my head makes me feel like it’s because we are meant for each other...what is wrong with me????
It's a mental tie. Stop thinking about them. Think about your life goals and happiness. Watch sheraseven1 channel. She's helpful about being a high value woman and weeding out bad men.
AS Thank you so much !!!!!
😘😘😘
Putting up w too much shit
I really need this kind of advice because of my situation now
Yez, thank u so much!
OMG I'm so living this right now. I've finally mustered the courage to leave my marriage for all of these reasons & more. We are the perfect couple in the eyes of many but OMG such an unfulfilling, empty and superficial relationship in reality. Part of it is obviously my fault, as I was a mess. A COMPLETE MESS and he took advantage of that. He made me feel safe but in the process I lost myself, family, friends. And the more I've grown, the more my husband wants to control me. The more I open up, the more he shuts me down. Soul Sisters, Candace has got some SOUL FOOD cooking here. DIG IN
Sarah Bowling well funny enough, my new podcast is called SOUL FOOD with Candace van Dell hahaha!! This man sounds very text book “covert” narcissistic. They can sniff out the vulnerability at the beginning and when you become strong they grow scared you will leave and elevate the control. This is why it’s called 1. Love bombing 2. Devaluing 3. Discarding. They love bomb you so you make your whole life about them, then you feel safe and start to grow and they don’t feel safe so they start to knock you down and devalue you and eventually discard all your feelings and maybe even you. Stay on your path of awareness. You are doing great and your inner guidance will make boundaries and bold moves as you need. I am always here to support!!
I feel like my boss is toxic😖. Problem is that I need a paycheck.
If you feel like they are toxic they probably are.
April B. I understand!
Just left a job because of this. I couldn't handle the toxicity one more day. Get your resume out there and get out!!
I am a very sensitive person with a narcissistic adult daughter .she is using her children who live with me as weapons against me do I use the same practice you advice for other situations , ?
Amazing video