Eleven Reasons Why Adult Children Cut Off (Not Just Toxic)
ฝัง
- เผยแพร่เมื่อ 31 พ.ค. 2024
- Are you wondering why adult children cut ties with family? In this video, we are going to discover 11 reasons why adult children cut off (and it's not just toxic parenting).
It is generally accepted that if an adult child chooses estrangement, it is 100% the fault of the parents' toxicity or abuse. However, researchers find that this explanation is more complex. The complexities of each family, such as genetics, personalities, and culture, play a large part in what may lead to estrangement. In this video, we discuss 11 possible contributors to why your adult child chose estrangement.
*NEW PROGRAM*
Embracing Renewal After Estrangement.. morinholistictherapy.mykajabi...
*******************************************************************************
○ Need someone to talk to? → morinholistictherapy.com/stra...
SHOW NOTES / RESOURCES:
○ Feeling Heartbroken and Alone? How to Pick up the Pieces When You are Estranged:
I'm giving away a copy of my eBook on the topic here → morinholistictherapy.com/find...
○ Eleven Reasons Why Adult Children Cut Ties (article) → morinholistictherapy.com/elev...
RECOMMENDED READING:
○ Rules of Estrangement: Why Adult Children Cut Ties and How to Heal the Conflict by Joshua Coleman →amzn.to/3EpK44k
○ Fault Lines: Fractured Families and How to Mend Them by Karl A. Pillmer → amzn.to/3xLtatc
○ Family Estrangement: A matter of perspective by Kylies Agllias → amzn.to/3ZeGxhd
WATCH NEXT:
○ How to Cope with Family Estrangement (video series) → • How to Cope with Famil...
○ Gratitude Journal Benefits + 5 Tips to Help you Start → • GRATITUDE JOURNAL Bene...
MORE WAYS TO CONNECT:
○ facebook → / morinholistictherapy
○ Subscribe on TH-cam → / @youtubemariemorinestr...
○ Need someone to talk to? → morinholistictherapy.com/stra...
#estrangement #morinholistictherapy
LINK TO VIDEO: • Eleven Reasons Why Adu...
DISCLAIMERS:
ESTRANGEMENT AND ABUSE: When considering the possibility of reconciling with an emotionally and or physically abusive great care is required. Reconciling may only be possible if the abuser is willing to work with a family therapist. When there is abuse, individuals estrange out of necessity and self-preservation. Consider if it is safe to resume a relationship with an abusive family member without evidence that the abuser has changed or takes responsibility for their harmful actions.
RESOURCES BY STATE ON VIOLENCE AGAINST WOMEN:
www.womenshealth.gov/relation...
ncadv.org/resources
National Domestic Violence Hotline - www.thehotline.org/
AFFILIATE: You should assume that I have an affiliate relationship and/or another material connection to any suppliers of goods and services that may be discussed here, and may be compensated for showing ads or recommending products or services, or linking to the supplier's website.
Morin Holistic Therapy is also a participant in the Amazon Services LLC Associates Program, an affiliate advertising program designed to provide a means for sites to earn advertising fees by advertising and linking to Amazon.com. *Amazon and the Amazon logo are trademarks of Amazon.com, Inc., or its affiliates.
More info about the Amazon Associates Program can be found here: amzn.to/37WfHjR
No matter what, my children are grown now &, by their actions, make their own decisions. It is agonizingly heart twisting to be estranged yet, there is no choice, I simply must love them from afar. I cannot let it decimate me.
😢 you’re correct. But it’s a challenge.
No, we must get on with our lives. That is the only useful thing to do.
Thank you for this...x
DIVORCE IS HORRIBLE. And I do believe this is why my kids went against me
@@americafirst6628 same here!!!
My mom was never emotionally present and always had fun with everyone else but me. She also made me feel responsible for my sisters and raised me so independent that I have very little empathy towards others. I feel stress when I am around her and feel that my relationship with her is toxic and fake. I walked away from her and didnt look back and frontally feel peace.
A parent can apologize all they want. After a while, they usually go back to the same thing they apologized for… it’s a bandaid, and they don’t understand why “they” have to keep apologizing.
So plz don’t think an apology along, or even several times, will fix things.
What parents don't do is apologize. They SAY they did but any apology they offer is, as you said, a bandaid. They almost all claim they did apologize for "anything and everything" but ask them the question, "What specifically did you apologize for?" and you'll get anger and or silence. They don't say things like, "I'm sorry I hit you. I was an adult and you were a child and that was wrong." or "I'm sorry I kept dropping you off at gran and grandad's even tho you begged me not to. I should have known there was a reason and taken action against abuse happening there." etc. They want to ACT like they have apologized so to make their victim errr off-spring seem unreasonable. I mean, who doesn't forgive a sincere apology? My answer is - "People who haven't received one."
Some attitudes are not worth working with
Apologies are Step 1. Then you have to change your behavior. You have to acknowledge that your child is in pain. You have to have a plan for no further abuse.
(This is rare because the abuse is the whole point. If they really love, they really behave in a loving manner.)
I never got an apology because they did things on purpose.
Will the offer of money shut you up about it? Perhaps a fee schedule for accepting apologies for various degrees of wrongs? These are cynical rhetorical questions.
@@stephenvanwoert2447 u have some unresolved issues I see lol Hope u get those figures out one day
If you push them away hard enough, they might eventually “abandon” you.
After decades of snarky disrespect, I could no longer believe that I was loved.
I thought she’d be happier without me.
thank you for sharing here Diana, I am sorry that was your experience with your mom.
I think for me is as I aged and got healthier I realized there was no stage in my life where my mother seemed happy with me. She was always horrible about some 'behavior' of mine. Then I learned she was just a miserable person and the only thing changing was "What about Elly today is making me so unhappy." I realized I didn't need to be present for her to Scapegoat and blame me for her unhappiness. Better for me and now she has estrangement - more 'bad' behavior from me - to blame it on. Toxic dysfunctional garbage ends up at the curb. Cause and effect.
@@youtubemariemorinestrangementnothing is ever said about parental abuse. I admit my shortcomings, also was juggling a husband with multi addictions. I have learned about this process of estrangement and shocked by the adult children who do not want any part of self accountability. Nobody (decent ) wants their child to suffer. But I see situations where the kid took the ball and ran with it, giving themselves the easy way out. I love my daughter but don't want to be a doormat either.
And if adult children are abusive enough they will eventually push their parents away. Parents are troopers and will survive.
Here's another reason. My father refuses to stop being abusive and disrespectful. So it doesn't matter how many times I forgive him because he won't stop. I shouldn't have to continue forever taking his disrespect, abuse, lack of empathy, meanness, etc. At some point, enough is enough.
My father was the same. When I set boundaries on his behavior, he crossed the line time and again. I refused to ever respond to him. I was so relieved when he died. I no longer have to hear his voice again. He was an emotional vampire.
I was so happy to be on my own as a college student. As a young adult I loved having my own house and family. I tried for about 25y as an adult to have a relationship w my parents. I wanted them to be proud of me. I finally realized they’re chaotic selfish people and honestly they made my childhood very sad. As an adult I was always sad whenever I interacted with them. I’m not deliberately no contact. I just don’t make the effort anymore. I love my husband, kids and grandkids and they love me. Do I wish I had parents like me? Sure. Do I wish my kids had grandparents like my husband and I? Sure. But it is what it is and they are who they are.
Come back to you later
My favorite (not) was my dad telling everyone he was a loving, involved parent. He was the opposite. As Dr Seuss said “oh, the stories I could tell.” He was a good grandfather but I learned to late that when I wasn’t around he told inappropriate stories about his wild misspent 20’s, 30, and 40’s. He definitely didn’t impart good values. It seems every time I work through a betrayal by his behavior, I learn of another thing he did. One rocked my self-identity. It was extremely difficult. Its sad that his legacy is one of abuse, neglect and narcissism.
@@hasinahmasud3808 Nope. My kids are adults with kids of their own. They love me. My grandkids love me. I’m in their lives on the daily, helping where I can. Did we make mistakes as a parents? Of course. We’re human. But there are mistakes and there’s my parents’ style of parenting. No comparison.
@@hasinahmasud3808 Of course it will! Good grief.
@@hasinahmasud3808 That’s probably true for some people. I’m not sure what kind of bad communication looks like hate on the surface but people are people and everyone is different. For me my parents were objectively pretty awful. Having now been a parent and grandparent I consider myself a fair judge. Even now I haven’t cut off communication. I just don’t make the effort anymore because it was like punching myself in the face. I have the same phone, email and address that I’ve been communicating with them all these years. Ball is in their court. I’m enjoying my family without the intermittent clobberings 🤷♀️
It's extremely hard being a parent.
I hate to say it but having children is overrated. I know women who were on fertility medication for years just to be parents. Now, they hardly, if ever, spend any time with their adult children. And, when they do spend time with their adult children, there is always an argument about something.
@@malkaz9167 True.
@malkaz9167 yeah, but which party is responsible for the arguments? Maybe one party is responsible or both the parent and child are at fault
@@Owwitsmuggyoutside Unfortunately society wants to have more people to prop up the economy.
@@alessandrac1940 I agree. Some parents are at fault and some children change when they became adults.
How about being criticized and told that you are a loser (with nothing to substantiate it) your whole life? My mother's greatest joy was to hurt me. It made her feel powerful.
One always sees what’s wrong in others but once you dare to look within yourself then you would really understand…. May be your behavior was toxic and reckless??
@@rajendrakotturi4327Victim blaming is not appropriate to such a painful share.
My mother was a Narcissistic sociopath and used to talk to me about self-ending and how it might solve your problems but it left such hurt to those left behind. There was a weirdness in her eye that made me feel like she wanted me to do it. I was bullied everywhere while she watched on and I realized the goal was to get me to 'hurt' her that way. As you said, the power and 'fix' they get out of the intentional infliction of emotional distress/confusion. That all ended when I watched her reaction to the death of a teenaged child of a co-worker of my Dad. My mom seemed genuinely jealous of all the attention this woman was getting over the loss of her 17 year old daughter. Healthy people do not make something like that about them and after therapy those types of things just jump out as dysfunction. It's like, "OMG Look at all that attention she's getting! Why can't I have that happen to me!?!?" Me - "Mom. I'm standing right here." Yes - like the only thing holding that attention back from her is me not being dead. No one would suppose she'd consider my Golden sister for that job so I knew who needed to go. And this is why you're called a Scapegoat and deep down the goat knows.
@@rajendrakotturi4327 Alternate theory - this person had an abusive parent who never found an ounce of good in their child and took pleasure in stomping their spirit and then blamed the child and their 'badness' to mask the abuse that was being dealt... Like you just did.
@@ellyk8834AMEN!!!
I am 60 years old and was a latchkey neglect child and sustained nothing but physical, mental and emotional abuse from my parents and my dad died at 16. I was thrown out at 19 and still today, my mother never calls or does anything. She doesn't actually talk to me and I tried for years to have a relationship with her. It caused a horrible jealousy relationship with my siblings and I was very rejected by the family and scapegoated. I've never been invited to their gatherings and celebrations. I had to cut ties because of their toxic behavior. I still give money to my mother on holidays and birthdays and I'm literally the only successful person in the family.
I had to go no contact for my own emotional health. I recently had one of my nieces who is 23 years old call me saying she wants to leave the family too because her mother (my sister) mistreats her but I didn't really advise her other than to let her know she's and adult and if she is financially prepared to take care of herself, she doesn't have to live with her mother if the environment is unsafe.
I'm so at peace and don't regret my decision
Congratulations on successfully surviving a miserable situation. Life is too short to put up with mean, cruel emotionally and mentally unstable people. You deserve a happy life, free of chaos. I wish you the best.
I can totally relate
So many of these adult children demand respect but don't give respect
As the child of a narcissistic and very abusive controlling father, I have learned over the years that it is OK to distance. Moved out when I was 17 and now as a 47 year old I can clearly say that it was best for my own mental health... as well as the well being of my own family - child.
I survived my childhood. At the age of 23, I cut my Mother out of my life. It was the best decision I ever made. Decades later, I'm only now learning the vocabulary (from TH-cam) to describe what was done to me.
I should have cut mine off sooner but was so codependant. So now my daughter was fed a steady diet that would turn her against me. It's made for tv stuff.
@@grogweedwalker
I might not have cut mine out of my life if I hadn't had the help of another person. My Chiropractor understood the conundrum. He helped me compose a letter to my Mother, one that was carefully worded so that it wouldn't make matters worse for me. I ended my short letter by saying that I would see her in the "new system". Mailing that letter was a huge decision and gave me huge relief. I hope you will be able to get free from your current entrapment.
@@hasinahmasud3808you sound abusive. I hope your children have escaped far away from you. My God you probably tortured them mentally. Invalidating a stranger... Imagine what you do to your children.
I think that we are talking about parents not abusive and yet estranged by an adult child. Its a big difference.
Therapists don’t jump straight to “cut them off”. Usually they go over boundaries and books to read, they talk about “grey rocking”, things like that.
If u are worried about a therapist taking ur adult kid away, ask if u can go to therapy with them. Tell them u will go because u don’t want this. Promise to familiarize urself with boundaries etc.
U DO have choices. Most of the time u are not helpless, therapists are not the bad guys, and ur kids aren’t making this up.
These people need to fix the relationships they have with themselves before they can understand why their relationship with their off-spring is broken. They want to deny that which is why they end up estranged. You're trying to get them acting healthy without addressing why they were behaving unhealthy in the first place and doing that while using their child as a distraction is unlikely to have long term success.
Some do. I heard this from young couples.
Because grandfather says wildly inappropriate things, often in front of the grandchildren, and grandma covers for (enables) him...
My family was very close, my son married a woman whom felt threatened no matter how well we welcomed her, I believe she pressured my son to estrange the family, been 9 yrs now, still heartbreaking to all of us, we don’t understand. Been researching and now realize we aren’t the only ones. Decided to take care of me, was on death’s doorstep, not ready for that. Let it go to God, am now on road to recovery and trying to live again.
I’m so sorry.😢My dad became estranged from me when he remarried a narcissist after my mom died.(I’m the only daughter) He died 4 months ago and I feel like he already died 7 years ago. I have forgiven him Praying for your healing. It is agonizing to deal with; knowing you can’t change a person. It’s not your fault❤
My mother-n- law felt the same way about me but my wife mother is such a pathological liar, very manipulative and trying to control her my wife every move..She is also is delusional liar, she creates lies out of head...my wife discovered more of her mom behavior before she even met me, so my understanding of knowing who she was as a person, Not healthy at all..
Same thing here- it's all in the hands of my daughter in law whose the devil. It's going on 1 1/2 years I'm done. I've done everything I could to get him back just to see us and bring my grandchild, now it's up to him.
Spouses who have their own baggage can come in & cause all kinds of heartaches if they're not healthy. Of course, they'll influence other family members. So many families also have addicts know they're that are like a bomb & can create so much strife where there was once Peace. It's sad & wearing...especially if on e tries to "keep the peace"...but it's like the fly in the ointment. A clean glass of water can get ruined by only a few drops of poison.
This is the situation that my son is in right now. We were estranged for a few months. But,We aren’t anymore. I had to come to terms with that’s who he is with but I will not let her keep him separated from our family. And he realized that as well. GOD is good!
..some parents gossip about their kids, all the time, in front of them. Then they wonder why the children grow up and dont call them.
@@hasinahmasud3808 I didn't see anything from her about getting revenge but I heard a lot of nasty out of you. Honestly most of us get along just fine without parents who gave us the mental and physical abuse and that is exactly what she is talking about. Maybe if the parents had not been so hateful when their children were young they would still have that relationship now. But lets be clear here. It's not about being vindictive, it's about ending the toxic abuse with us and moving on. Some people can not be along for that ride. Not all parents are a blessing. A hell of a lot of you were monsters and a curse.
@hasinahmasud3808 Oh my goodness. I suspect your children do not speak to you & if your post is any reflection as to your state of mind, it's easy to see why! I commend your children for staying away, you have a toxic and nasty heart.
Good grief. 🙄
@@hasinahmasud3808you sound like an abusive parent. You'll see why when your kids estrange from you. Good luck
@@hasinahmasud3808 I now understand why you children don't talk to you anymore and this was a very good choice from them
@djotchuiangela9955 lol 😂 😂😂😂😂 you don’t have a clue. You are talking about your own parents. My children are mixed up with the Jehovah’s Witness cult and they teach them to shun family members who are non Jehovah’s Witness. Go educate yourself about the Jehovah’s Witness cult. I don’t pay attention to foolishness and ignorance. 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂.
If a family member cuts you off, move on and use time and energy making new friends. It's a win-win.
You have to grieve the loss first . It's not just a magic wand cure.
You get what you give. If my mom had shown any interest in me or my children, then I’d have interest in knowing her.
That’s not entirely true. You don’t always get what you give.
My son married a horrible spouse. That’s why I stay away.
I am the father of two incredible women, my cherished daughters, both of whom are now in their mid-30s. They made the heart-wrenching choice to distance themselves from me due to my absence during their teenage years. Over the years, I've extended countless apologies and shed numerous tears, yet they have not reached out to wish me a Happy Birthday, acknowledge Father's Day, or connect during major holidays. Consequently, earlier this year, after significant reflection, I made the challenging decision to unfriend them on social media. The constant reminders and the inability to communicate had become overwhelmingly distressing. With the support and advice of many friends and family, I have decided to heed their counsel and shift my focus towards living my own life.
Hi Mark Anthony: Thank you for sharing here. I certainly understand your actions and am grateful that you continue to be supported by your many friends and family.
Life goes on. I wish you comfort and peace.
Good. What goes around comes around, and unfortunately if you were absent to them when they needed it then they will be absent for you eventually. You can only wait for them to reach out. Seems like you pushed them further away by begging and wheedling. You deserve your own healing but YOU ARE NOT ENTITLED to them being in your life.
@@pollyfisher-johnson3091 Life does go on. That’s for sure.
Well said. I am so very sorry. You are not the sum of past decisions. Make the absolute best of your life.
A parenting "style" that doesnt include expression of love is NOT a parenting style! It's actually abusive to the emotional wellbeing of a young life. It is a parental mental illness and indicative they should never have had a child.
Lots of signals of love without demonstrative.
Thank you for this video! It is very hurtful that my youngest daughter treats me like Im someone she just met. When she celebrated her 21st Birthday without me, I was devastated. When she only FaceTimed me for my 50th Birthday, I was devastated. My oldest two kids talks to me. My youngest daughter and I only talk maybe every 3-4 months. I am truly heartbroken by this. Your video has helped me tremendously! Thank you!
It just seems like even if you were absolutely perfect as a parent they still blame us.
Hi Annmarie, yes it feels like that. It is common for people to blame each
other. Parents seem to get blamed at times unfairly.
This was SO comprehensive and validating. I’m working hard to improve my communication and let my children have their space. I’ve been too close to the point of enmeshment.
❤thanks I’m somewhat going through this now ( just found out how they really feel today) and I’m struggling my heart is broken I try to be supportive but I guess it’s too much. This is tough
@@Three721Yes, it's tremendously tough! Sending you hugz! ❣️
Thank you!!! Adult children are grown and need space to live their lives!!!! A smothering and suffocating parent is emotionally draining and a burden to already stressed out adult grown kids!! Demanding your kid's times!! Policing their times and schedules smfh
Kind of you to leave them alone
Well Done!!!
For every adult child, there's probably a different reason for cutting ties, maybe more reasons than we think possible. I'm not looking for the reason(s). It's the child's reason he/she gives which may not be accurate, but it's their perception just the same. They are entitled to any misperception, and it may be futile to convince them of anything different than what their minds made up as their story or their beliefs. It's rough feeling rejected for something you don't know, and that children are not willing to communicate. Good luck as we try to mend. Everyone needs to heal.
OMG you hit the nail on the head for me , I can’t go into much other than the fact that my son is distant, honestly I have been an exemplary mom, not perfect but pretty great…. But my son has never been the same since his dad walked out on our marriage (I’ve got to say though, his dad stayed in his life and is helpful to him as n many ways, he loves our son, but still damaged was done) my son was incredibly hurt and confused, I tried a few times to take us to counselling but my son at that time was sixteen and absolutely refused….
He is now 21 and gonna away for college , he does call me alright, at least return my calls, he is respectful and I know he loves me. Many times though I feel he’s hurting but he won’t talk about it so I leave him and remind him. I’m always here for him. I think my pain and my hurt is sometimes so deep because I get a sense that he blames me for his world falling apart, but I tried very hard to keep it all together for us, but when someone wants to leave you just can’t make them stay. My son is my only son and sometimes I feel that I lost him and I can’t help but to feel so angry with his dad…… i’ll stop right there, I suppose what I was trying to say is that I agree with what you said I’m sure that somehow I have contributed to his distance from me I just don’t know what it is and I wish that he would be willing to talk about it😢
Thank you guys will uphold each other in prayer and hope for a better tomorrow with our children
As an estranged parent, the way I found peace is through my belief in G-D. He has told me that my grown children are not mine and I don’t need to worry about them anymore. He showed me the beauty of life and opened many doors I didn’t think were possible for me… I enjoy other people’s children, and nieces nephews’s children who are eager that I’ll be part of their lives.
I learned that this was an enormous opportunity for growth. I’m filled with gratitude.
YES THEY HAVE "FREE WILL" JUST HAVE TO PICK OURSELF...SHAKE OURSELVES OFF AND GO FORWARD......VERY HEARTBREAKING. BUT WHAT CAN U DO....LET THEM GO
Parenting is the hardest job, my 2 sons don't want children and good for them, I certainly don't want them having kids just to make me a grandmother, I love and respect their choices. My heart goes out for children and parents going through emotional painful relationships 😢
sounds like the trash taking itself out 😂
What about parents who cut off their adult children? More needs to be covered on this topic.
They are not going to allow you to talk about that. This woman deletes what parents say if she doesn’t like it, she is bias.
@@hasinahmasud3808 that’s too bad! :/
I only want my grown children to visit me...if they WANT to. There's nothing worse than a " forced " visit.
My son does come....my daughter not so much. Its been 3 1/2 years since she's been here. She was fine until she moved in with her in-laws.
I just hope she never has to feel the hole in her chest if, and when her daughter grows up to follow suit.
Praying for sanity in Indianapolis
No other worse heartbreak 💔 than when your daughter cuts you off from your only grand baby! 😢 I am having a hard time letting go!
@@Owwitsmuggyoutsideshe's probably upset by both...double disrespect.
@@Owwitsmuggyoutside surely that is explained
You may have legal rights. Certainly the case in Canada.
It finally added up why my son had not spoken to me since 2019. Found out his wife is narcissistic from a troubled childhood. Looking back it all makes sense now. Nothing I can do to fix that.
Thanks for sharing Dave, agreed you can’t fix the issues with DIL and their relationship. What parents can do is move forward with their lives.
Our daughter is married to a narcissist 💔
Children are children Remember Who is the Parent.Just lov your child Always and let them know it.
My 42 year old married with two teenage children is NOT a CHILD. immature? Absolutely.
How about 11 reasons a parent goes no contact with their adult child(ren)!! They play gaslighting games with you! Making you a scapegoat! My heart is to build our relationship and not tear it down! Every time they spew out false accusations it puts me in a downward spiral!! I need to remain strong!
If the accusations are false and cause that much distress are you really very emotionally stable? Or is the problem the 'accusations' aren't false and being confronted by your actions/choices and behavior creates unbearable shame to you? Instead of remaining strong (I'm guessing that's code for staying in denial) perhaps listening, addressing and accepting reality will be a path to healing and less downward spirals...
I’m not estranged from my 3 daughters, I got divorced when the youngest was in college. At first they all depended on me for help financially. Now, all in their 30’s, they have their own lives and do what they want. 2 of them have moved to another state. We don’t see each other often, and when we do it’s very short, but fun. They all seem to just do there own thing and I wish there was more contact but I’m trying to accept it. My mom, grandma and I were very close. It baffles me. I don’t put ‘things ‘ on them. To be honest I think many of these kids are just plain selfish.
This is the first video I've watched that encompasses ALL the possible reasons why an adult child cuts off their parents, and I am so grateful that it included some aspects of my situation.
My oldest child has completely disengaged with the occasional text. I feel he is punishing me for a life altering decision I was forced to make for my health and welfare as well as theirs. I separated from their abusive father, my youngest son was 9 at the time and he made it clear he didn’t want his father back, “Mom I don’t ever want him to ever come back here” and we were divorced. He maintains contact and visits his dad. Their relationship has been a work in progress, but I do not believe in slander or teach them to hate. That is a burden that is too much for children to bear, no matter the age. My relationship with my youngest, who is now an adult is a good one. However, his brother has cut me out of his life. He is engaged and I’ve never met her. He currently lives 12 hrs away, we don’t see each other often and that’s ok, I get it. He and his fiancé purchased a home 17.5 hrs away 2 months ago and have not shared this with me. He has chosen to have only 1 parent, his dad, and I don’t see why it has to be that way. Part of the abusive relationship in my marriage was to slander and smear me to everyone and I can’t help but think he is doing that with our oldest son now. That’s a dark place I dare not enter. I am hurt by this and I miss my son, but I can’t control it. I am so grateful for your post, thank you very much for this video, it was very helpful and I feel better.
Since my son has moved in with his father and step mother I have bern completely cut out of his life. He doesnt even respond to my messages. This is the first year I havent gotten to celebrate his birthday with him. I have to learn to accept that I will never spend another holiday with him as he has a new family and I am just not part of it.
You can't change anyone but yourself. After years of trying, realized I was only going in circles of pain, hurt and being in toxicity. Life is now happy, joyous and have friends who are like family. It's difficult to leave the circle of the past relationships but honestly more difficult to stay there in that negativity. I wouldn't trade today for yesterday for anything. God bless you.
Our children were almost 50 years old and they just disappeared from my life once my husband left and filed for divorce. He died suddenly before the divorce was final. Talk about trauma for us all. They were not there for me as I was recovering from all the shocks. I suppose they were dealing with their own trauma. It has now been almost five years. Still we are estranged.
I’m so very sorry for what you are going through.
@@bford6644 thank you. The Bible tells me God is a god of love and He has purpose in all that He allows to touch our lives. Rom 8:28 I love and trust my heavenly father.
I am so sorry Teresa.❤That is so sad.
At least you can say your a widow not a divorcee.
@@glendacastillo6504 that was God's grace, protection, and provision. A divorce would have meant poverty. As it is I have a VA pension. I am not glad my children's father is dead, but I am so grateful for God's intervention.
My son went no contact and we didn’t realize it. -this is VERY recent. We thought he was busy, med school. I suspected something was up. I will live with this. It stings, but I will live with it. He took the time to let my husband know. Hubby not taking it well at all. They were just together in May. I am so grateful for this community. I’m ok. Not sure how to support hubby. Son only speaks to my mom. Has cut off everyone, sibling, cousins, aunts, uncles, other grandparents. I respect his choice. I don’t have to like it. Sorry for the rambling.
I love everything you are saying. Protecting one's mental health is paramount.
Absolutely. Regardless of who is who, if someone is toxic and hurting you? Walk away and heal.
You will forever be missing complete adulthood if all you thing about is YOUR needs.
Yes, now that my toxic child has removed themselves, I have peace. The relationship was overwhelming and boundaries should of been set years ago. For instance...do unto others as they do unto you.
My daughter after 40 years of her biological father and my divorce doesn't understand that I hate her dad (who was always drunk and spent his paycheck the day he got paid!!
I worked and paid ALL the bills. Clothes food and his beer!! Yes!! So he would shut up and go to sleep. And she hates me for that! No.
I'm done. She can go live with her alchi dad. They're the same.
Sounds like you could never do enough, so they're right, you're not good enough, she wants to visit, be polite, won't acknowledge your sacrifices, at least she's alive and safe, women are martyrs, imagine where they'd of been without you!
I hope you come back here in about 6 months and read this comment. Perhaps by then, you will understand
You’re codependent, which is also an addiction. No one respects enablers, and they shouldn’t. Get help for your codependency and she may come back. If she doesn’t then at least you will feel better about taking care of you instead of everyone else.
Whatever happened in the past, apologize, just love them, let go of expectations, guilt, etc…& BE the change! How I changed was meditation & learning to heal & love myself. They’ll either notice & learn from you & feel relief, joy or maybe peace, or not. Either way we just love them. After all, that’s why we’re all here. 💖
Love someone who never loved you, isn't gonna make them start loving you.
This video takes the side of the parents and totally dismisses adult children who were abused and neglected as children.
Hi Vanessa: thank you for writing. Yes, abuse is not in this video but in many others. As the title notes, not toxic, these are noted reasons mentioned in the book by Kylie Agilliad A Matter of Perspective.
@@youtubemariemorinestrangement What folks need to understand is that everyone is way beyond fed up with the antiquated “Authoritarian” parenting style, which very closely resembles narcissistic personality disorder. I mean, that may have served its purpose when your child was an infant… or maybe if you own a dog. But it’s no longer acceptable to treat a grown ass adult like that, regardless of if you’re their parent(s) or not.
The delusions of superiority, infallibility with the whole “I can’t be wrong!” thing, along with the controlling behavior are simply no longer going to be tolerated by most.
Also, keep in mind that there is a huge movement today of folks educating theirselves on NPD abuse and most every mental health person out there says to go “no contact” with them.
Authoritarian parenting styles looks almost exactly like NPD.
So, go ahead and play the “victim” role, but that for sure won’t change your situation as it’s also precisely what a textbook, true NPD case does as well when their unacceptable behavior is called out.
Good luck!
I really appreciate your videos…They make me feel much less alone. I haven’t spoken to my parents for almost four years, and it has been really difficult but necessary for my mental health.
I haven't spoken to my family since 2018. I couldn't be married and have them in my life. I chose my husband and kids. I often ask myself if I did the right thing. I did. I understand. ♥️
@@ginac895So why cut off grandkids from grandparents? You may very well be cutting off your parents from being wonderful grandparents! So many wounds can and do heal when grandparents can makeup for their mistakes by being truly wonderful grandparents!
@@livinglife4835 not what happened in my case, I’ve apologized to my adult son’s repeatedly for allowing my mother in their lives, they now have emotional scars from her too, please don’t question someone keeping their kids from anyone who is already known to be toxic regardless of who they are, you are requesting for the grandchildren to have scars too, shameful
maybe those parents are the ones that dont speak here... the narcs@@livinglife4835
No 2. Son in law, definitely felt threatened by the close relationship between me and my daughter, so from the day.he came in her life she became a diffirent person. I knew what was.going on from the beginning so I stepped away. I could not allow my daughter to disrespect me and become rude to me so I stepped back. Every time there was a problem between her and her husband she came running back to me, just to go no contact again. I could not allow this, I also had to set my own boundaries. So you either respect me or you stay away.
Same
Oh my god, same. For years. Decades. I'm exhausted. They even re-married. His family is drama. So gross. I'm finally free of their toxic choices.
I’m scrolling through the comments reading all you narcissistic parents lie and act like you don’t know why your child stopped talking to you. As if they just randomly said F you one day. It’s truly insane. “OMG im jUsT sO coNfUsEd, WhY WoNt tHey tALk To mE”
IKR it's ridiculous, no self reflection or accountability at all..
When they see their dysfunction as normalcy and equate that to healthy is where the problems start. We can clearly see them adding 2 + 2 and getting 5 but when we try to get them to the real/healthy answer of 4... Well, they like their flat-earth/5 mentality and who are you to tell them it's 4 and round. They need to get to "round Earth" on their own and if they can't then it's a big part of the why they're estranged. It's only unclear if denial of reality is present.
Yeah scary these folks procreated at all😢
They are a different species 👹
Really like " i am a victim and i blame everyone and call them narcissistic"
Thank you for mentioning therapists bc I was one and am estranged. I never told a client to walk away from a parent. You go by what the client tells you.
I hope you therapists are happy with yourselves. My daughter 57 and I talked on the phone for an hour 3 times a week. She had one session of therapy and now doesn't speak to me.
Sounds like you feel you had no part in the estrangement.
Shame on those therapists for exposing the truth! What are they thinking?!
I feel you,lousy therapists like lousy doctors or anything else.$$#@ em.
Imagine how disappointed the parents are sometimes too. We don’t always get the families we want often we get the families we deserve.
Positive communication on both sides is the key.
The first reason is why my oldest cut me off. I'm not saying I was perfect, but she and her sister were/are my world. Everything I did was with them in mind. From the beginning I was determined to give them the affection that I didn't have from my own mother (not my mom's fault, she has always dealt with major mental health issues).
How about when a parent cuts ties with an adult child? Toxicity isn't only due to a parent. Psychology would like adult children to believe that though.
True. Toxic parents often have toxic children they need to stay away from. I've seen it in my own family. In my experiences there is either a toxic parent that got walked away from by a healthier adult (their child) or there is a toxic parent AND their off-spring is toxic as well. These things predominately originate with who reached adult age first...
Anomalous but they cld be used up???? By the kid?
@ellyk8834 This is what I'm talking about. You just added "toxic" to "parent" in both cases. How about tempering your use of the word "toxic" in the first place? How many good parents have had that word attached to them because they were strict? In a world gone crazy, any parenting that includes discipline is described as toxic! How dumb do you have to be to lump the two together?
And how many families have been destroyed because psychologists convinced young adults that their parents were "toxic"?
Young adults who just graduated childhood 5 minutes ago do not understand the value of parental discipline. But all it takes is some educated psychologist to validate their teenage-minded complaints, and they'll cut their parents out of their lives for the next 20 years! This is what you're proud of? You should be ashamed. The damage done to good families is astronomical!
I thank God that my abusive childhood made me choose not to have children myself. Sounds like an effing nightmare 😱
I appreciate the straightforward way you present this information. In terms of the "trendiness" of family estrangement or blaming parents, I think it's more about normalizing. Compare this to divorce. In years past, it was expected that you remain married to someone, no matter how unhappy the marriage became. It wasn't socially acceptable to leave a marriage except in cases of extreme abuse (and sometimes not even then). Now people divorce simply because they no longer feel in love or have grown apart. I think in the past, it was expected that children remain in relationship with and devoted to their parents even when the relationship was harmful. Our society is moving away from that norm, and now it's acceptable to end a relationship with a family member when it is unpleasant.
Very well stated!
Well said. If it's unpleasant. Wow. That's all it takes now
My parents split when I was 2. I spent my life ping ponging between them, usually 2k miles at a time. At 42, it’s hard to have relationships with either of them. I realized, I’m still the reminder of the failed relationship, and therefore, neither is ever going to open up and be honest and real with me. I thought as an adult, we’d get along better, but it really just becomes more difficult for me to get along with them, as they’re so stiff and pretentious with me. Hmm, thanks for the session, I’m feeling much better now.
I’m sorry
Very excellent Marie
Thank you for all you do
I’m awaiting your book in my
Inbox !
#2 is my situation ..My daughter's , In laws is controlling my daughter , which make her frustrated and take it out on is , now she make her cut ties form us . Nearly 3 years no contact .
It hurt so much for us .
Thats Terrible
It's such betrayal
Very helpful tips! Thank you so much!
They demand respect for such superficial ideologies! Social media is a cancer.
I submit. Therapists and their rationales can be very dangerous. Beware.
As an adult child who was raised in a narcissist family, I’m glad I left my family and moved to Ohio, best decision I’ve ever made! I have no desire to reconnect with my family either because “the love” was never there… it was conditional and fake and my family only supported me when it benefited them but they were verbally abusive and criticized me a lot growing up… my biological family are just strangers at me and my Ohio friends are my “new family”
Thankyou for this Very useful information.
My son sided with his narcissistic evil step father who was my deceased husband’s best childhood friend. We were together for 16 long hard years where he controlled everything, put me down, called me ever name in the book, threw things at me, punched holes in walls. Once he almost threw a TV on me and our daughter in a fit of rage. The list goes on….. I was widowed at age 35 with 2 sons under 5. For a long time, I was in love with him and worked so hard to make our relationship work. He picked on my younger son relentlessly. When I went to therapy my therapist told me I was in an abusive relationship, I was shocked. I thought it was normal because his treatment of me was similar to how my mother treated me. When I left the narcissist after realizing he was never going to change, he told my oldest son that his birth father may not be his real dad and that I stole his college money. Both a complete lie. It’s been almost 3 years since I’ve seen my son. I’m heart broken. All I ever wanted was to be a mom. In 2019, my son shattered his knee and was without health insurance. He would have been disabled for life without surgery which was very expensive and I would do anything for my children. I asked my son to ask his dad to split the surgery with me and he said, “I can’t get involved with that because I pay your mom child support for your sister.” I can’t understand why my son idolizes this evil man who didn’t help one bit when he was injured. I pray one day me and my son heal. I am a kind, gentle loving mom and have beautiful relationships with my daughter and other son.
I have searched information on this topic, and I hear you say the adult child wants the paret take accountability for what they have done and apologise... But what to do when the child wants you apologising for something you know in your heart never happened. I have always showed my daughter genuin respect and I own my mistakes. But this made my so sad... I don't know what to do. I can't just say something happened and be regretful about it when it hasn't. I'm heartbroken about this, feeling manipulated. At the same time, I love her so much, words can't describe
Hi Kattie:
Thank you for writing. Being falsely accused is a whole different category. Just as there are parents who insist they have nothing to apologize for there are those who have been falsely accused and in a horrible spot. Kattie, please do get support, keep moving forward with your life. If your daughter is manipulating you and you know in your heart of hearts you did not do what she accused you of, then it's important to move forward towards acceptance. I know this is terrible. I'm so sorry you are going through this. Warmly, Marie
Having parents apologize and beg these children is not good advice. All these therapist say the same thing and it's NOT working.
I have the same dilemma. There are distortions and re-writings of history and if I just go along and try to apologize, I feel like I'm enabling her distorted thinking, and at great expense to myself. It feels like I'm supposed to own a bunch of lies.
@Darlin' after you apologize they will find another fault. They don't want a resolution . Nothing you say will ever be good enough.
@@lisac8509 thanks Lisa. I have come to that realization over and over, then time passes and I try again and again get repelled. It's so hard to give up on your child. Then again, I guess it's not giving up, it's letting go. Accepting that I am powerless in this situation, unless and until her perceptions and thinking change.
At 58 years old, I have connected the "Dots" as being the designated Scapegoat of the Family. My parents and a few other family members have been actively involved in Direct Felony Criminal Harassment towards myself for over 30 Years. I have decided only one outcome for myself therefore the "Irish Goodbye" will prevail in a desperate attempt to live a normal life. Good Luck to All.
Divorce is like setting a grenade off in your child's ear. Don't be surprised if those people that let off the grenade are treated a little differently later on.
The most balanced perspective on the subject I've heard. Thank you so much!! 👏👏👏
Glad it was helpful!
This is very SPOT ON EXCELLENT CONTRIBUTION TO THE PLETHORA OF ISSUES WITHIN A FAMILY DYNAMIC
Thank you. This is helpful. I appreciate that you didn't just say "these young people are entitled."
My daughter went no contact on me. Very cruel and void of any empathy. Sorry but there’s no justification for this. I gave her my life.
I have been shocked into oblivion this month by my only child 31 yr old daughter. She has always been the most spoiled person alive. Now all of a sudden after she's been with these idiot friends who took her to this therapist? All of a sudden I'm a narcissistic abusive mom. I've read all of this crap on here now fir a week. You grown women who encourage this crap will live to reapbwhat you sow. My daughter doesn't have to worry about keeping up with this trend. I see it's a popular thing they are all doing. Plus it keeps them from having to worry about being there for us as we age. No worries. I woukd never have lived with her in a million yrs. She can do her Grey rocking. No contact. What ever else the hell she wants to do. But here's the thing she isn't considering. My will is getting changed to be in step with her new found joy of treating her parents worse than dirt. I sure as hell wouldn't want to ever bother her with properties money. Jewelry. Omg. The horror. If you parents can't see this is a trend all these 30to 50 yr Olds are doing. You need to smarten up. The first thing I did when she had this raging fit on me right after we came back from her birthday dinner , ,
No less was to think what the hell?? So I Googled adult children disrespecting older parents. Jackpot. How many thousands of these idiot things popped up. 2nd thing I did was go look at her Facebook page to see what ungodly influences she was associating with. And there SHE WAS. THIS little trashy gal she has started working with. All of this crap was coming from her.. abused by parents, therapists who they quote like these people actually know anything.. it was SO my daughter. She is like a camellion. Who ever she's around thats how she behaves. Ok. Just trying to save some of you moms from this vast stupidity . Trust me. When you cut them off right back it won't seem so FUN anymore. I've HAD IT
@@nicolawyatt2837 I’m so sorry you’re going through this. I know how painful it is. Feels like bereavement and worse. I agree with you, it seems that they need an escape goat to hang their must have ‘trauma’ on. Sadly this generation has no respect for parents ( not all). It’s so heartbreaking.
Yes it's like all these younger people and even up to 50 yrs old need to fit in with whatever the latest trend is on social media. Seems they think turning on their parents is a game. It's so unbelievable. I had my daughter at 39. I was unable to have children until then . I was so happy to finally have a child and a daughter at that. I doted on her along with my husband, my parents and my brother and his 3 kids who were all on their teens when she came along. She was given everything and put upon a pedestal. So why she's doing this, its a lie but she is running with people who are from bad families and she is trying to do what they do although she knows it isn't true. I turned 70 yesterday on mothers day. Didn't even get a text from her. It's like I'm in a bad dream. The only help I can get is to look to Jesus and I know he will help me thru. And praying everyday for her soul
@@nicolawyatt2837 "She has always been the most spoiled person alive." Sounds like you are reaping what you sowed.
Same it hurts she is 22 did not call me for Mother’s Day iam broken having panic attacks iam isolated she was my life now iam alone what was the point of raising a child for so long and be discarded it hard breaking it’s horrible terrifying
Wow! Excellent, consise, cleanly delivered helpful content for parents who love and want a healthy, respectful relationship with their adult child(ren.) This video, along with your Stages of Child Estrangement Grief are treasures! Thank you for addressing this heart-shattering problem.
Hi Amy: Thank you for sharing. I'm so sorry it's been so long. I hope you have been getting support. Please take care of yourself. Warmly, Marie
SO GOOD. Thank you...
My sister is a toxic narcissist who abused her family. She then divorced her husband, forced her grown children to abandon their father, and then family on both sides of their families. Both children have gotten married, had children and the only person in their lives from their father or mother’s family was my sister. We are better off without her, but her children will suffer having no family. My sister is a monster and has been an abusive person since she was a child.
It actually sounds like your sister is a Scapegoat. Your story has some gaps of logic that point to her not being the only person with issues.
@@ellyk8834dayyyyummm aha I love that you point that out
I just don’t understand this whole situation. I thought I was the only one going through this. I’m not perfect nor were my parents and I made mistakes, that is life. I also reached out and sought therapy and attended many parenting classes because my parents and grandparents raised me with the generation trauma that they experienced. I still would never cut them out of my life but did have boundaries. Maybe I didn’t visit as often or for a shorter period of time. Some empathy and compassion. Everything wasn’t horrible all the time but I did experience many hurtful moments. I grew to realize that although I couldn’t have the loving connection I needed, I could still have a relationship with them because they are human and it is not up to me to be judging, God takes care of that. However to be having to walk on eggshells and be accepting all the blame isn’t how it should go. I don’t even know what the problem is with two of them. Life is so short and if you don’t make peace with family before they pass it will eat you up alive. It takes so little energy to be kind and loving and so much energy to be mean and spiteful. I would love to have a new relationship with them but they won’t communicate what the problem is and have no interest to have me in their children or their lives. The hurt has led me to think at one point of ending my life. People both make mistakes in all relationships. I don’t understand this.
Enjoy what God can show you. Go back to what you enjoyed in 7th grade or high school. Piano, crafts etc. These kids r spoiled. Imo...a mess w new dtr in law can be hell!!! Yikes!
Don t hurt yourself, be good to you. Contemplate, pray and know God is near.
I am right there with you - nearly the same story. I will never understand this.
I am so pleased you mentiioned kindness.
Some people grow up in terrible abusive relatiinships with abusive parents. But I think that kindness, love and smothering as means of control.are not talked about enough..
Some of it seems like immaturity and entitlement.
You’re referring to the behavior of the parents who are being cut off I assume. It’s all over this page. None of them can take accountability for what they did to create the situation and they are all innocent victims. How odd!
From the parents? You bet. That's why they got cut off.
Some of it is. People on here being hostile to anyone suggesting it isn't one size fits all are showing their own toxic traits.
Alanon Adult Children of Alcoholics-has helped millions around the world for many decades recover from resentments with parents, even when parents aren’t alcoholics
Thank you for pointing this out. I agree, the organization is extremely helpful in helping people heal through forgiveness and taking responsibility.
Yes great help 💖
Great thanks 🎉!!
Thank you sooo much!! I feel relieved ❤ bcuz my now adult children is all I've really ever had but I now take accountability and respect my adult children not to say I agree with everything or will tolerate any disrespect but I just want you to know you've helped me in a major way GOD BLESS ✨🙌🏾
Thank you for writing. I am so glad you were helped!! Can you tell me what was most helpful please?
In my family system, my mother was an alienating force in order to stay at the center to dominate and control. Because I took care of my sisters as an older child, I became a kind of threat to my mother. She was never around and so I became a surrogate parent. This upset my mother and so she began heightening her false negative narrative about me being sick and immoral. She projected every last negative thing she felt about herself onto me -- including being mentally ill. She began a smear campaign of me with my sisters and totally destroyed how they saw me. She used me as an example of what she'd do to them if they didn't cooperate. She also did this to my dad. He died and it took us girls 15 years to get him a headstone we cared so little for him as a result of her alienating us. We were totally brainwashed. She is still highly effective at doing so.
I didn't have a mind of my own for years. So was very codependent. Terrified of life. So I allowed her to be around my children. Guess what she did. Yup, continued to dominate and control by smearing me to them. She used my sisters as flying monkeys. Today my daughter has drank the Kool-Aid and treats me like we did our dad. Alienation is serious mental abuse. My younger children have not been exposed to my mother as much. Because of the horrific things my daughter told my younger ones about me -- a narrative that grew in exaggerated facts all the time, they felt terribly hurt and now are mad at her. I encourage them to see her because I certainly do not want to be a part of division. But they felt objectified my son says and used as pawns to my mother. They felt like their older sister abused them with the smear campaign because for a while it confused them about who their mother is. They began to not trust me and rebelled for a while. I have been through years of therapy.
I have always allowed my kids to tell me what they have issues with me about. Always. It was important to me because of my own experiences with my mother. Another influence on my daughter is that when I had to leave my ex who was abusive, we left wealth behind. My sisters have wealthy husbands and so she is attracted to what she lost at age 12. Her lifestyle changed when I had to leave.
There is loads more, but too much for her. But off can become a family pattern according to Bowen's theory. That means if a child cuts off, it can happen to them also with their kids. Or it can happen to their kids. That is because it has a tendency to preserve rather than resolve the issues. So the next generation adopts them and must deal with them. Even if we are really happy with our kids, what is in our shadows comes out unconsciously. So it is not a decision to be taken lightly. There are vast consequences. It also tends to keep people in a victim's mindset and sometimes emotionally immature. I have experienced my own set of flaws, so I'm not criticizing. Just warning.
@MarieMorin, I appreciate your transparency and how you explain the adult child's perspective to help parents struggling to understand. Could you do a video session about going no-contact between adult children and their parents, and what that looks like, and tips for managing the no-contact mode?. This is greatly needed. Adult children are going no-contact like wildfire, but there is not a lot of guidance on how to handle the daily issues that come up during this mode. For example, if I am an adult child in no contact mode with my parents, but I get an invitation to a family dinner where my parents will be there. I want to go to the dinner and see the rest of my family but I'm still in no contact mode with tmy parents, how should I handle that? As for the parent, I am in no contact mode but weekly, the adult child unleashes their emotions on me through text or phone calls. How should I respond? Also, an adult child has gone no contact with me but low key expects me to help financially they need it. Do I continue to help this adult child? What are the guidelines or parameters for no contact? What are some tips for both the adult child and parent? Also, do you recommend group therapy with parents and their adult children? What are tips for parents who struggle to understand, maybe even accept that they have done or not done some things the children needed which is causing the disconnection in the adult child?
Thank you for this video. I realized I was #5 - too close of a relationship, even tho it didn’t match exactly the reasons in the letter they (22 yo) left when they moved from living with us to 2,000 miles away and went no contact a little over a month ago. I’d come to the realization that it was more to grow, than to heal (I acknowledge it was both).
It still hurt and angers me. I’m working thru the anger. Just not sure if they’ll be willing to rebuild the trust between the 2 of us.
very helpful
My parents never apologised for anything.
And they never supported me or took interest in me. They didn't even bother to teach me basic life skills.
Oh no !! I’m so sorry this happened to you.
@@youtubemariemorinestrangement Thanks for your comment. I have to remind myself everyday that I have to love, care and support myself. I'm in my 30s and I'm still not fully healed.
On the issue of money, you presented it as solely being the adult child expecting or feeling entitled to money from the parents. My own experience, and I think the experience of many first or second generation children of immigrants, is that it is the parents who expect to be financially supported by the child despite toxic upbringings (which the parent doesn't usually view as toxic in the first place as maybe that's the culture or how they were raised).
I remember coming back from three months out West and all of my friends remarking on how relaxed I seemed. That was before my father started in on me. I would have been better off staying there and never coming back.
Parents smother their children… it gives them a sense of purpose and value in life because they don’t have any self esteem without the adult child validating them and confirming their love on a daily basis. As parents, it’s YOUR responsibility to take responsibility for YOUR OWN self validation instead of expecting someone else (or your spouse) to do it for you. The baby boomer mothers have a problem with enmeshment!!!
My parents had zero boundaries. They said horrible things to my husband in front of my kids. I know they were shocked I chose my husband. Dahh I love him and our family ❤
❤I am so glad I came across this. I can resonate with a lot of what you've said. I am a mom of 2 adult daughters that has recently lost their father (my husband of nearly 40 years). The oldest daughter I have not seen or spoken to since way before Xmas last year 2023. We are all grieving in our own way, unique to only us. She was very close to her father and the pain of his passing must be unbearable, for her, I respect that. She to sees a therapist ( before her father died) I believe, I may be incorrect, that what she has probably discussed with her therapist about me etc. That she has been advised to keep her distance from me, because I suffer with depression and have done so for many years. In view of the grief we are all experiencing and the issues she has with me. I am leaving the door open and keeping a connection via occasional message, to let her know that I respect how she must be feeling, I respect her boundaries, I love her and will be happy to reconnect when she feels she is ready to do so. I cannot do anymore than this, but I am also heartbroken at the loss of my husband and the distance that exists between us at this difficult time. Thankyou once again for helping me see things from a different perspective.
Thank you for sharing here.
I am sorry for the loss of your husband. It is so difficult to lose the relationship status with our kids. Be compassionate with yourself. I’m glad the video was helpful.
I was estranged by my adult child 3 and a half years ago. I’ve been to hell and back since then.
It’s become a real trend nowadays. All part of the cancel culture unfortunately. People cannot say anything nowadays without the fear of being cut out.
I’m 63 so I’ve experienced a bit of life.
Most of the parents like me who are normal human beings are being made ill by their own flesh and blood.
I trained as a therapist too, but frankly you don’t need to be a therapist to know if you’re a healthy snd stable person.
Being human means being flawed. We all are. Everyone.
We need to be far more accepting of others snd of ourselves.
These young adults will find out after we have long gone, that life is tough and people are not perfect.
Social media has given young people a false perspective of life. And they have unrealistic demands in everyone but themselves.
I feel sorry for them.
They're not called snowflakes for nothing.
grow up stop blaming cancell culture. You may have been toxic and your child needed to leave for their own mental well being.
@@valeriehutchinson863 you should be ashamed of yourself for that comment.
At 63 years old, and having trained in psychodynamic therapy as well as having a degree (at 40 years of age) in psychology, I can tell you that I am insightful, aware and and extremely emotionally intelligent woman.
Our daughter had a very healthy childhood and we were always close.
Don’t speculate because it is that very behaviour that causes the most trouble in the world.
That was complete projection. Clearly based on your on personal experience.
@@valeriehutchinson863 Guess who LOVES to tell others to "grow up"? NARCISSISTS!!
@@elizabethy2912 That's a Narc line for sure. And, "I'm not a perfect parent and my child wasn't a perfect kid either." And the old, "I said I was sorry for anything that hurt them." or said, "Sorry you feel that way." - if they even said that and call it a real apology that they expect should fix everything like they did before their child became an adult who said "I've had enough of your toxic BS."
It helped alot.
Self preservation.
I mean, a lot of parents refuse to take accountability and behave as though they are perfect parents who never did anything wrong. This is the case with my parents, who I haven’t spoken to in years. My mother was highly reactive and sometimes violent towards me, she would slap me around and one time even beat me with her fists, and her favorite thing to do was to kick me out and then coerce “forgiveness” out of me before she would allow me to have a roof over my head again. Then she put me in a shed in the backyard with no heat or air and no plumbing and would lock the door on the house at night, and acted like that was doing me a favor.
I went no contact in 2019 after she demanded I travel across the country to come see her for Thanksgiving. I explained that I would lose my job, as those were blackout dates. It’s like it went through one ear and out the other. What she wanted was more important than my ability to support myself, so I cut her off. I’ve been told that she now posts on FB about how “God has removed people from her table”…girl, I removed myself, God didn’t do that, and it’s quite obvious that she will NEVER wake up and take accountability.
Adult children do not just up and cut off parents. There are always reasons. Some of y’all are acting so baffled and innocent, and it’s the same song and dance my parents do.
Hi
@auggiet8380 : Thank you for writing and sharing your story here.
I am so sorry this happened to you. To your point, some parents do not take responsibility and have accountability for their actions, and then there are many who do. I agree with you that adult children put a lot of thought into removing themselves from the relationship. Do you think if a parent does take accountability and does the work to change, that reconciliation is possible?
I could never cut ties with my kids, and they could never cut ties with me, I see themmeveryday
This is a super-valuable video. I appreciate the way you explained that a therapist might be the reason for an adult child going no-contact. I can imagine an adult child telling their parents that they want to go no-contact, and giving the parents a list of reasons that put certain responsibility on the parents.
In this case, a normal parent would give their child space and respect boundaries, and ask the child what they can do to work on themselves to take personal accountability as parents, thereby showing the child respect and demonstrate that they honour the child’s individuality. It makes sense that the child would need to go no contact for a long time (5 years is absolutely reasonable) without any attempt of the parents to make contact to make sure the parents truly respected the child’s boundaries, and to make sure that the parents use that time to take accountability for their part in damaging their relationship. Perhaps the parents go to therapy. It’s also imperative that the parents put a sincere effort into making changes within themselves in response to their child’s reasons for going no-contact.
The question I have is, how do you explain to toxic and narcissistic parents who don’t respect their child’s terms of no-contact, call their child “too sensitive”, accuse their child of not caring about them, wallow in their pity-party of feeling rejected, call themselves victims, persist in their fantasy that “they were good parents” or “did the best they could”, take zero accountability, refuse to make any introspective changes, and persist in explaining away the reason for the estrangement on “changes in society” and “entitled generations”; how do you explain to these toxic and narcissistic parents that if they truly cared about fostering a relationship with their estranged children that it would be wise to behave like normal parents and take steps themselves to repair any damage that they inadvertently caused?
Thank you
My uncle went no contact with my mom’s family when I was young. I knew him and his wife and kids as we lived near them while the others were down south. But it’s always been sad to me because since I’ve been 12 I haven’t seen him or his kids. I loved my cousins. But he is a toxic man and I don’t care about him anymore. I just wish I knew my cousins so my daughter would know that side of our family. She’s our only. I understand the reasoning behind this trend but ultimately I feel like it’s the uninvolved children that suffer consequences.
I am 8 years estranged from a parent.
Any questions?
Which parent? Why are you estranged? And do you still feel content with your decision to do so?
@@jmatthews5685 Father deceased, estranged from mother because she hates me. I was conceived against her will and she'll never forgive me; she treats me badly and I have multiple associated issues, like fibromyalgia and Complex PTSD, thanks to my dysfunctional upbringing.
No contact with her for almost 8 years. I only wish I'd left sooner.
I did not abandon her; she shoved me away consistently and hard from the beginning.
@@jmatthews5685 I’m estranged from my mother because I have Complex PTSD, and she still hates me. Really wish I had cut ties sooner; it’s humiliating to know you’re unwanted.
10/11 reasons are present in my situation. A divine miracle is the only solution. 🙏
My daughter changed so many Therapists but from the beginning they always bad mouth the parents! From my experience it made things much worse! They are generally not that good and she went through enough of them for me to have figured it out!
What rubbish
Therapists only get one side of story causing a person to be encouraged to remove themselves from the parent. Before the therapist does this perhaps that Dr should have a session with the parent.
let them go and be strong. Enjoy your time. They come back when they need you.