Which of these comments have you heard? How would you respond if you wanted to tell someone why they should probably not say it again? And what else would you add to this list? Let us know ⤵ - and thanks for being here 😊
i got the "you're just depressed" treatment from actual psychiatrists. first rolled with it but it got soooo much worse with that approach (including every single antidepressant and other medication backfiring horribly) essentially cost me 15 years of my life.
@@ChrisandDebby I think I have heard most of them in the short time that I auto diagnosed @ 74 about a year ago after suspecting for a really long time. The worst was when I told my grown daughter: “Who told you that? No you’re not!” The awful thing is that I expected a negative remark, (bc she knows it all! ) but after explaining that I recognized a lot of traits in her 25 y/o ADHD (diagnosed) son it got worse with her telling me it was enough for me to say that I am but to also diagnose my grandson was a different thing and not to go on. Sad, to say the least. Why would loved ones react like that.
@@fariesz6786I hear you…..they just gave me loads of different anti-depressants. They didn’t work, or made me feel worse. Mind you this was before I became aware that I was on the spectrum (just thought I was weird, strange, different). At the moment I’m self-diagnosed, but on the adult adhd waiting list). They also put me on CBT courses and I just didn’t get it at all (felt stupid unintelligent). I’ve put a comment in the main section about my new keyworker and what she gave me on our 2nd session (after a 2 week gap and now there will be a 3 week gap til I see her again). Hope you are getting the help and you are being listened to now, you deserve it. Take care, best wishes 🙂💪
@@jbr84tx a label is just that, a descriptor. You were always this way, label or not. "Autistic" describes a set of symptoms, it's not in itself a manifestation. That is to say, if you meet the criteria, you are automatically labelled, no matter what you or anyone else wishes.
A very good friend of mine said "you can't be autistic, you have empathy", then really tried to convince my my diagnosis wasn't accurate. I found it both nice that she thought I have high empathy, and really offensive and kind of scary that people think autistic people don't.
@@ddsbread5673 Media has definitely disseminated the idea that autistic people are robotic and emotionless. I’ve been told I’m very empathetic because I sit and listen and console. I also have ZERO idea why they’re so upset but I listen. 🤷🏽♀️ I was 40 before I understood grief and crying when someone dies. It was my cat passing that it finally made sense.
Yeah, I kept hearing "autistic people lack empathy" that's one reason I didn't seek a diagnosis earlier in spite of all the other things I do. I'm very empathetic, sometimes too much. It physically hurts me sometimes.
I had that misconception up until 3 years ago. then I fell into the neurospicy bubble. now I know so much more (I knew shit... really) and am working on my own official diagnosis. I think especially "rainman" has really shaped the idea of what autism looks like for a lot of people... and then sheldon... it's not exactly helpfull.
I am 45. I can't tell you the number of times growing up I was told "you're not autistic" or "I'd never know you're autistic" or "I don't believe you're autistic" ...which you'd think would make me proud of how well I mask... but it doesn't. It just makes me feel even more invisible. In fact, I wasn't even formally diagnosed until I was 30... and even then, It was basically impossible, even with expert review... to convince my own family that I was autistic. Nobody wanted to believe it, and my parents have always treated disability like a weakness to overcome. So glad I am an adult and can make my own choices... my youth was a hellscape of abuse and mistreatment... from home to school. I am not alone. I know what i am describing is a common thread among Autistic people. Just know you're not alone either. We all share common experiences as masking autistic adults. We are here for each other... there are many communities to vent your frustrations and have your voice heard by people who understand you. Stay strong!
I just turned 45. I share your feelings and experiences. Coming up in a pretty conservative family, struggling in public school environment, etc..I get it 💯 %.
There are hundreds of video about how to limit your interaction with toxic families, and how to recover. Put the blame where it belongs: on THEM, not you and take responsibility for you own life by setting healthy boundaries. You don't have to convince anyone that you are a worthy individual, if they don't value you, move on. I moved to a faraway country, parents should realize that mistreating their children is just depriving them of grandchildren and support in old age.
I would like to tell you it gets better, it did for me, but not the way you think. I out lived them. My parents told my sister, that I would NEVER be able to live on my own. I have, I did, I am. I hope to out live my sister, too, so I never have to hear "Mom and dad put me in charge." I haven't talked to her in over 2 years. Hang in there Super, you are loved, you are not alone, and most important you are respected.
@@RemizZ Yeah! I have all my report cards from elementary to high school where that was the teachers comments. I was so distracted etc., etc. But the thing is that I wasn’t in the Honor Roll but I got very good grades all while struggling in competition with kids one and two years older than me. Being the OOPS! daughter of 39 y/o parents (my sister was fifteen and my brother ten when I came along) I guess they wanted to get rid of me and put me in 1st grade @ five y/o without having gone to pre K or K. I went to school with a stomachache every single day! At that time I had never seen a nun in my life (parroquial school) and was so afraid of them! I could say I was one of those girls who fell through the cracks in school with ADD (no H in my case) bc I learned to mask really early with an A in conduct all my life, but totally miserable and with few friends. So, so miserable, I was so quiet and well behaved sometimes I wanted to be invisible!
This video is so well timed. I just had someone close to me say this a couple of days ago. They didn't mean to hurt me but have no idea how frustrating and hard it is to feel so unsupported when I can no longer do all I have to keep up with the charades of our lives while masking. I am so freaking thankful for the actually autistic community for reaching my daughter and myself, the validation is literally life saving.
Yes!! That is where this video began - real interactions with people who were usually well intentioned but had no idea what they were actually saying. I’m so glad that you’re finding support with this content - hope you’ll enjoy the video!! And then have a way to respond to some of those comments too 😅
I was bouncing my leg and my mother said "can you stop doing that?". I just looked at her and I think my face must have been completely exhausted and I said 'let me have this' and she just said "ok" and let me be.
"You don't look/act autistic" angers me so much because when I was a kid, I was always told to "stop pretended to be [r-word]ed for attention" and would be punished very severely for displaying autistic traits. Instead of being sent to the doctor, I was sent to my room. And as a child who felt completely normal, I did not think to tell my parents that maybe if my natural behaviors mimicked that of a disabled person, maybe we should see a doctor? As a child, all I knew was that I was told what I was doing was mean and I needed to stop.
Feel this the most of all the comments. I sat down with my mum and I asked if I had any behaviours. I had noise/climate triggered major meltdowns and was on barbiturates for 2 years, I was a loner, had total recall memory, hated being touched and could stare down adults by age five. She then said she thought I was a normal easy child after then..... (That's when I shut myself off pretty much) She now has guilt 30 years later now I'm diagnosed. School, college and life would have been so much easier if ASD was taken more seriously back then.
oh heeeeeeeeeeey my dad loves to tell a story which he describes as me "doing my best [r-word] impression" at an interview to be spiteful because i didn't want to be there i was anxious, and the interview was the end of a long chain of events because my teachers said i should get tested for neurodivergence (i think we only ever ended up testing my IQ)
My friend, I am so sorry this happened to you. What the actual hell.... That's legit so fcked though??? What was the thought process there? "Hmm, my child is displaying all the signs that they are disabled, as they behave and act and move just like people with this one disability..... it must be that my child is an asshole and is being mean and making fun of disabled people!" HUH??? Could you imagine if that was anything else? "Stop acting like you're out of breath for attention, you're being mean and making fun of people with asthma." "Stop pretending to faint for attention, you're belittling people who have disorder that make them faint!" "You don't NEED glasses, you just want them because they're trendy. There are people who need them and you're taking away their frames."
@@Star_Rattler People can't handle cognitive dissonance so they lash out at the kid, which is easier than going to the doctor about the signs which might not be that clear.
@@yverose8355 I have the opposite... my mum wanted me to get diagnosed when i was like 13 and apparently I refused... I really wish I hadn't I am 31 and things have improved but no way there as much as I thought they would. I am on waiting list now for both ADHD and ASD... fingers crossed
when i revealed to my best friend that i think im autistic she hit me with “but you like hugs. autistic people hate hugs.” and “that’s okay. everyone is a little autistic”. and my grandma called autism a disease when i told her. my grandpa said i can’t be autistic because i can walk and talk. my sister said “no you’re just weird” my dad said im not autistic because i don’t have a “robotic” voice..
That sucks, when you try to share something you feel is rather core to your being, and it's just reduced or dismissed. Then again, they're not the ones living with it, and usually a word doesn't change how they think/feel about you.
I'm so sorry that everyone invalidated your diagnosis, you really don't deserve it. They clearly have it all wrong about autism, and you shouldn't let that let you down. You are yourself and no one can take that away from you
I'm high masking, and my doctor said I'm very polished. I liked that, because it fits. After all, I've been playing this character for 30+ years, so I know how my character is supposed to react to things. I've got the mannerisms down, like any other performer who's been working on their craft since childhood.
Great video! Just the other week, I was told by my friend's wife that "oh, we're all a little bit autistic!" and that "we all have sensitivities and quirky habits", etc. when I disclosed that I was being tested for autism. I understand she was speaking from a place of ignorance and inner projection rather than true malice, but was still very frustrating and invalidating to hear. I've chosen to no longer speak to her about it, which suits us both just fine. Also, I have a vision now in my head of someone asking me what my "autistic superpower" is and me just narrowing my eyes at them and responding, "...patience. Lots of patience." Lol. Thanks for all your content - it's videos like these that have really been helping me come home to myself in these recent months. Wishing you and Debby the best! 😊
I haven’t been given the “we’re all a little autistic” since my diagnosis, but I’m a little worried about it. I know I’m not going to be able to stop myself from saying, “No, we aren’t”, and then going onto a deep info dump on autism and neurology. “So tell me now about how we all have neuronal migration as neurons grow into layers of the brain they shouldn’t, how we all have had less than expected synaptic pruning, or how we all have increased intra-region neuronal communication and decreased cross-brain communication.”
@@asaldanapr OMG 😳 I am so sorry that you had to go through that. What a horrible thing to say, and at the worst time too. I sincerely hope you have been able to heal from that comment and obvious misunderstanding of you and your daily struggles. Truthfully I feel like maybe some neurotypical people just don't have any clue what we go through and deal with as autistics and AuDHDers. Just literally can't begin to understand why we are the way we are and why we sometimes behave a little bit differently etc. Basically I think maybe they have as hard a time understanding us as we do them......or maybe not.... either way, hurtful words are still hurtful words.
Ugh. That's uncalled for, mom. Dang! I would've been hurt by that, too. I struggle with internalized thoughts that I'm lazy. Even though after listening to folks like KC Davis, I firmly believe now that laziness isn't real. It's a perception or a symptom of something else. It's gonna take me a long time to internalize the replacement beliefs on laziness. I'm currently reading "how to keep house while drowning," and I def recommend it. 🫶🏻
As an autistic and adhd person who was raised in an ableist family by an autistic father and adhd mother who don’t get along, this video was eye opening about the ways you rationalize against those viewpoints. I’ve long applied these very statements to myself when I wasn’t happy with my own conduct and performance, because both of them would use some of those statements on me. They believed I was autistic, since they took me to the doc, but they always believed I could act not autistic by just applying myself more. They were right that I could do anything that other people could do, but they were wrong about whether it had the same toll on me or whether I could accomplish it in the same way. I appreciate you talking about stuff like this because it exposes me to other ways people think about things. It helps me love myself more and not hate my autism as much.
6:08 I got a commercial pilots license, engineering degree, built a lovely six-string electric bass guitar, worked as a consulting engineer (may be going into private practice in the new year), and got diaged with the nosis. And oh man do I now realise I have executive function issues, often very and easily irritated, and that feeling that I am somehow a ‘late bloomer’ even at age 37. Environmental stimuli exhausting me when it gets too much and I can’t seem to regulate myself. Emotions - lots going on in here but ask me to articulate it and I have people suggesting to me how I feel and yet they don’t quite get it right. Best I begin to embrace it and accept myself as I am, and put people-pleasing behind me for good. Thanks for the videos Chris.
@@missoats8731 and yet I still feel that way compared to my wife, my friends and peers. And good for getting the diagnosis…it’s been a rather confusing experience figuring myself out and hope it would be a little less ‘rough’ your side.
I am not overwhelmed by environmental stimuli. I think the adrenaline or whatever I get from leaving the house numbs me to this. However it comes at the cost of my ability to concentrate in the school setting.
I am so tired of people misinterpreting me and thinking they know my thoughts or how I feel. It has caused me to lose my job and be socially smeared in my town to the point of not getting hired!
Just being told flat out "no you're not" is most annoying and common for me. Like they get on at me for never making eye contact or stimming but when i say its autism they say it can't be. Many don't even really know me too. So frustrating.
What about when someone says "You can't be autistic you don't have a special interest" when actually I have so many I can't pick one and get so overwhelmed that i just don't do anything lol.
@@TheBanana93 Hey same. I just try to group interests together so it looks like less but it never works. I kinda have one dominant one in my life so if i have to i go with that.
"You're not that autistic" I walked away because I was angry/discouraged and nothing good would have come from the malformed reply I was sure to make in my state. I'm still learning about how I relate to my diagnosis. It's been 8 months of learning, and there's a lot of nuance to consider. TH-cam has been the best resource and channels such as these have immensely helpful, so thanks!
Exactly! I grew up with such self loathing because the message was always how useless and lazy I was. This was back in the 70s, early 80s, when along with everything else, nobody from Good families ever had any mental disorders. It took a long time and a gifted counselor to help me dig through all that to see my actual self.
I was part of a therapy group with a bunch of NT ladies around my age. I said I was autistic. MISTAKE!! I heard at least 4 of these things from different ladies, one after the other. One lady felt the need to "put me in my place" as not autistic because her cousin's son was autistic and I "was nothing like him. " So there." she implied with her know it all glare. Ugh! I got so mad. I quit the group a few sessions later. I'm socially awkward to the point of it being nearly a phobia, so I was really surprised how quickly the group tried to downplay and belittle my autism, and deeply hurt. Lesson learned. Individual therapy from then on.
@@higherground337 That's why as soon as I start making friends with somebody I tend to be quick with disclosing delicate information such as this, so I don't waste time befriending someone who won't respect and accept me for who I am
I am BPD. While I do not have autism, I've had similar questions, and a hole opinions. I understand masking, and burnout. I do sometimes get overwhelmed with sensory info. But sometimes I dont get enough stimulation. I dont know your struggles, but I have empathy. Stigma is real. Im glad you are helping people get over stigma. You have wonderful comebacks.
Comments that upset me include: ‘You’re not listening to me’ (when I don’t make eye contact when speaking). ‘You’re mad at me’ (when I find the quantity of momentary input too much). Even worse, ‘You’re mad at me because ……’. ‘Speak to me’ after a question has been ask, and it takes a second to think about the answer.
THIS. Oh my gods! I understand that I was a kid in the 80's, but holy smokes! Maybe if I had known why it was all so hard for me, it wouldn't have been. Y'know? 😭
@@Mamabat666 That's exactly how I feel. I've always been alone, no friends, my friends became books, I still can't hold a job longer than 3 months, I still don't understand people. I think if I'd gotten help when my mom had to take me out of school at age 7 because I couldn't keep up, or in 7th grade when i wouldn't have passed if my math teacher hadn't stayed behind on his own dime to help me pass, or in high school where I dropped out after a year and a half because I couldn't keep up... maybe, just maybe, I would have had the help to figure out how to make friends and how to get through school and how to keep a job. I really feel like my whole life could have been SO DIFFERENT. But my mom wanted to believe I was just being a difficult child.
I was told I can't be Autistic because I'm an artist and Autistic people have no imagination, I was diagnosed at five years old, I have been artistic my entire life, I even drew my PFP.
My favorite is "you didn't act like that before you found out that you are autistic" or "you didn't seem to have as much trouble or you didn't seem to be as sensitive etc.....before you found out that you are autistic.....!" I've literally been told that I am acting more autistic than I used to..... WTF? I don't even know how to respond to that one, but I have been told that more than once. I feel like maybe 🤔 I should say something like "or maybe you are just not as observant as you think you are"....or "maybe I seem more autistic because I am NOT MASKING as much as I used to around you." Of course then I would probably just stop feeling comfortable with that individual and probably just go back to masking therefore I guess I would be reverting back to my pre-autistic realization and now my behavior will be more tolerable than when I dropped the mask, so good for you, you win....." Maybe not add that last part..... LoL! At least I can still laugh at the ridiculous things that we are told as autistic adults who are just doing the best we can!!
My response is, “No, I’m ACTING less neurotypical because the behavior you saw was not the behavior that was natural to me. It was, literally, acting.” The reality is that I do act “more autistic” now. If somebody is genuinely curious, I might explain that I have suppressed my natural inclinations for so long that I don’t even know what comes naturally anymore, so I’m also experimenting to see what does work for me, so that, too, might change over time.
I get that same reaction/comment all the time about being “more ADHD” since I was diagnosed late only 3 years ago. Not only am I in a completely different stage of life than I used to be, but understanding myself more lately has definitely helped me to recognize how OFTEN I was masking, and to STOP doing it as much as I used to!
I feel embarrassed when my husband mentions my social anxiety has gotten worse. Finding out more about my triggers, and being told through therapy I'm allowed to drop a mask and be affected. Square peg , round hole is more obvious nowadays.
Omg I’m so scared to get more of those infractions I swear and it’s also part of what makes me not want to get a diagnosis because like someone might think that 😭
Thank you for your work. Your videos are very validating for me. As a late diagnosed high masking autistic, I appreciate how you communicate so clearly about your experiences. Often I avoid even talking about this subject with others because it can be very challenging, but your videos are helping me understand how to better communicate my experiences to others in new and more effective ways. You are crushing it and I look forward to your next video
brought bhuddist prayer breads...108 beads to roll constantly through my fingers..went from wierd..to zen ...who knew...now ..not quite sure how...but now i am wise,serene and centred..sacred stim..ommmm
I am still undiagnosed but absolutely sure about my high masking ADHD and also kind of "very" sure about autism. Until i was 11, always when my parents and i were driving in the car, i all the time rolled my head from one side to the other, even for hours for stimming while i was mentally counting from 1 to 10,000 for more stimulation (i never felt comfortable with my dad). Then we moved to a new house. My parents told me, i should stop that behavior, if i don't want the new neighbors to think, that i'd be a monkey. They themselves obviously were embarrassed. That hurt. I also had to stop making strange sounds with my voice at the same time. They never accepted me to be not normal, so i began high masking long before that as a small child. Last Monday, i was at my new psychotherapist and told him, that i assume to have ADHD. He told me, that nowadays everyone wants that label, but for sure he didn't want to offend me (what he absolutely did). His voice sounded, as if he would find that ridiculous. That was our last session, because i now know, that he never will be even capable of understanding me just a little bit. We are from different planets obviously...
Glad you're not staying with the therapist. I stayed way too long with the one that asked me if I thought I had ADHD because I didn't want to do what I was supposed to be doing. It took me years and a better therapist to get my self esteem back out of the garbage.
@@jessv4444 This sounds really sad. One is searching for help and some therapists are abusive or at least absolutely incapable and that is what I got after one year searching and waiting, paying thousand bucks every month for insurance... But I was really lucky with the 3 therapists before. They were all great and very helpful. My last therapist, whom I mentioned, had no empathy, almost no expression of emotions and behaved like a robot. I felt gas lit twice in 4 sessions, masked excessively, was fearful before sessions etc. Reminded me of my creepy psychopathic father. No therapist is always better, than a really bad one.
You and I have an incredibly similar sense of humor😂. I'm also late diagnosed at the request/concern of my wife after one of our children was diagnosed. I enjoy your outlook and the fact you and your wife have a similar dynamic helps provide perspective for us.
Amazing video. It's a tough balance between trying to learn about your own condition and inform others. I have a lot of compassion and patience for people because the gap between general education about autism and the reality is still very wide. Yes, some people can be thoughtless jerks, but most are actually trying their best with the knowledge they have been given. So I can't be mad at them. Thankful for videos like this that help everyone get up to speed.
As a child, I understood literally and didn’t like using words I didn’t understand. So, labels were the worst, because it seemed like no one could explain them the same way-even supposedly smart adults would define them differently. I didn’t I was autistic until about 12 years ago. I’m in my late 50s and the diagnosis explains a lot, but the label gives me neither relief or discomfort-it’s just a characteristic of mine. Since I know that most people use words they don’t understand, it’s easy to hear what they say and I’m totally ok with it. I don’t correct them or even react, which throws them off more. My father told me when I was about six, “nobody wants to hear what you have to say.” It’s true! Most people only want to talk and not hear, and then only if it parrots their opinions and beliefs. It’s just a habit of not wanting to learn. 🤷♂️
I remember mom telling me that when I corrected people for using wrong grammar/language when I was a years old, I hurt their feelings. So I just don't.
Yep, the version of me that YOU see is, because it's not safe to unmask with you. Because of bonkers harmful concepts like "high functioning" which are rooted in harmful concepts like racism, capitalism, productivity defining our value... Geez. 😡 Okay, mini-rant complete. I know everyone here is on the same page. Thank you Chris and Debby and comment peeps. Today's a dumb day and this community helps a ton. 😂 🫶🏻 🛸 🙃
@@jmaessen3531 Ok sorry, if you don't make that distinction, if you are NOT high-functioning, how do you describe the different degrees of severity? Don't tell me someone on the mentally retarded end of the spectrum, who couldn't even mask if they wanted to, who can't wipe their own backsides or look after themselves in the most basic ways and will never live independently, is just like that 'because of society'.
Late diagnosis (over 60), only because helping someone raise their grandchild, who is definitely autistic. One of the breakthroughs is going to be those kids who turned out "normal" because their house of horrors abuse started before they were verbal. It was not just because it was before they were verbal. Their autism enabled them to go quiet and work out how to not trigger or escalate the perpetrator, or "disappear" so they weren't the punching bag when the perpetrator had a berserker frenzy. Then not go insane, tantrum out... It was the autism that enabled them to find the "safe paths" in insane circumstances. Appearing "normal" and "nothing going on here" was a survival skill. In part because masking is a form of "grey rock" so the perpetrator was not "fed" by your fear or defiance, not triggered by your stimming or miscommunicating. Some of that nonverbal stuff helped. You weren't talking to them or demanding their attention and were "happy" to live off whatever crumbs might have come your way. Another reason you could "disappear", you weren't attention seeking, so they didn't notice you had gone and hid somewhere...
I've had the "oh you're just overreacting" comment when I'm having an anxiety moment or over stimulating moment of feeling uncomfortable about (a noise or series of noises, too many people being rowdy, an ambulance went by blaring it's siren of ouch in my ear, etc) and it's so annoying to hear "why did you act like that? Stop it" or "I don't understand why you get so upset over something so little" ... little?? *goes banshee mode* and rightfully so. Being autistic (Aspergers as well), is so much more than what people think it is. The issue here is that, if you want to teach people about it, tell them "this is my story" of autism. No one else is like me.
I've never been told these statements myself but I definitely agree that it's annoying. As you've said and many autistic folks have said is that since it's a spectrum, when you've met one autistic person, you've met one autistic person. I personally get annoyed when people try to use autism to excuse scummy behavior that they do.
Thing is people who are absolutely and obviously NOT autistic, but think autism is some kind of quirky social badge to signal you're unique and oh-so-much-specialer than everybody else, use the 'spectrum' argument to stop anyone calling them out and challenging their self ID. 'I' m just so totally autistic everyone '. ' you don't show a single symptom. ' ' waaahh autism is a spectrum you can't tell me that I'm not autistic '
A thing that I'm not sure I've seen repeatedly emphasized enough is how far our traits can significantly change over time. So for example there are times when I can write words and sentences. And there are times when there is no possibility at all that I can. Same with speaking, listening, the temperature, the number of people I can cope with, handling. Everything swings from +1 (extreme) to -1 (opposite extreme). In whatever timeframe cycle it chooses. Hours, weeks, months, years. (There may also be some adhd in play for me in this, not sure) So I find people make assumptions about me, that have now changed, sometimes to the opposite of what they were. "I thought you liked the sun", "no, that's torture, I want to be in a dark room with the light on dim and never go outside ever again". That kind of stuff. Happy Days!
You bring up a really interesting point!! I completely understand what you mean about the +1 to -1. We have added it to our video list. Thank you very much for sharing!! 🙌🙌
Brilliantly done! Love the skit angle! I'm bedridden due to severe ME/CFS, and my ASD diagnosis came after that, so I haven't been able to tell many people I'm autistic. I told the doctor at the ER months ago, though, and he immediately came back with "no, you're not." No hesitation. He didn't even look at me. 🙄😡 I've come up with what to say if it happens again: "Which of the diagnostic criteria do you disagree with?"
“You know, it’s a licensing infraction to diagnosed autism without proper training. Can you give me your license information, so I can report this potential violation to DOPL?” “But I’m not diagnosing you.” “You are a medical professional in a clinical setting and have diagnosed me as not autistic. That means you have ruled out autism. That’s a diagnostic act.” Obviously, it isn’t going to go anywhere, but maybe if state licensing boards get inundated with complaints from autistic patients, doctors would stop that crap.
Hallo again CricketGirrl, I think I wrote to you on another channel a little while ago, as I also have ME and self-diagnosed ASD. That's a double whammy of conditions many people believe don.t exist. I feel for you, stuck in bed; I was there too once, but am now a lot better. All the very best, and hugs.
I had severe ME/CFS for years too(milder now). ADHD and Autism are a common combination. untreated ADHD can lead to severe fatigue. I’ve had CFS for over 20 years and the ADHD stimulants have made a massive difference. Finally started to be able to get out of the house with for the first time in 20 years. If you get a chance look into an ADHD assessment.
Today, at halfway to my 57th birthday, I finally sought either a dismissal of concerns or a diagnosis due to my new job of 6 months presenting mental and social challenges I have not been able to adjust to. AuDHD confirmed. Now what? I think I'll find some professional support and learn some new coping mechanisms.
Nailed it. Ive never disclosed my diagnosis for sympathy (or debate), but more so that they'd (hopefully) be more understanding when I fail to meet their expectations... As it's bound to happen. Also, I tend to ask a lot of questions and it's best if you dont 'read in-between the lines' with me,... Which is another one of those autistic things. Also, have had psychiatrists adamant it isn't autism. Those are the ones that scare me...
Thanks, Chris. I *so* enjoy your videos - solid information with a solid dose of humor. I'd like to add, don't ever say this to an autistic person: "I *knew* there was something wrong with you."
I've heard them all. I'm 54, and didn't realize I was autistic until I was 48, with ADHD at 50 (despite a family history of it, including my mom and my son). Add to that PMDD, CPTSD, sensory processing disorder, anxiety, and a stockpile of additional mobility and hormonal issues. When I was a kid it was "oh, they're just hyperactive. Cut back on sugar." Or, "you have so much potential if you'd only apply yourself / you're not living up to your potential." Or "you're just being over-sensitive / melodramatic / hormonal." Now that I'm older and well into menopause territory, we get dismissed further with "it's just menopause / you're just a hysterical female / it's the hormones / go lose 20 lbs & do some yoga and all your problems will be solved." Perpetually dismissed and invalidated, to the point that I haven't bothered to pursue a formal diagnosis, because a) I know what I've lived with my entire life, b) the American heath care system is a misogynistic dumpster fire - long wait lists, limited resources, high expense, and c) would it really do any good? Best case scenario, I'm believed and accepted, I get a piece of paper to confirm my lived experience. But at what cost on the way? Whenever people tried to tell my mom there might be something "off" about me as a kid, it was instantly shot down with "she's GIFTED. You just don't get it." So like so many other women of my generation we slip through the cracks, misdiagnosed (or never diagnosed), called crazy and hysterical and oversensitive and dramatic. Friends joke about needing to keep aerosol prozac around to spray you with because you didn't know you're dysregulated. I was creative, I seemed to be an extrovert (theater kid who is REALLY good at masking, because if they're laughing with me, it's not at me), I was hyperlexic and decent at practical math. I was into band and art, and did my best to be "good" so I wouldn't be a burden. Now I'm in my 50s and struggling to unravel decades of social conditioning, and it's exhausting. As for "why do you need a label?" I would rather be recognized and accept myself as a normal zebra instead of a broken horse. I'm more patient and understanding with myself, and unlearning perfectionism. Representation absolutely matters, and self-diagnosis in this case is just as valid. I don't need a DSM to tell me my everyday lived experience.
42 years old - similar deal: -“But you’re so gifted” - “You’re able to engage with people” - “You don’t have any problem with making eye contact” The last one is not actually true according to my neuropsychological evaluation - I’ll usually fixedly stare at a point off to the side or behind the person after visually scrutinizing the environment, or I make such intense eye contact that it makes the other person feel uncomfortable, awkward, or intimidated.
You know what kills me is that ive gotten so good at hiding the issues that when they do show i get told im faking it for attention. People don't understand the internal struggles we deal with. i know i have to deal with chronic fatigue from just trying to navigate and act the "normal" part to the point where its painful to go everyday. I love all of you and you are all unique no matter what people say to you. Thank you for the amazing content you put out.
I'm tired of all on the list. The one I hate the most is: "You are NOT! You're too normal." I've been bullied at various times all my life no matter how "normal" I tried to seem so I could be accepted. I failed. Now I'm not allowed to just be autistic? 🤬 Grrrrr If they don't accept my explanation of autistic masking, why we do it, and that I have challenges they don't see, they're never going to get another conversation out of me. Their loss.😊
Even if you are an extroverted aspie, you rarely get to show it over sensory overload. I would love to hear about those that are actually extroverted and don't suffer from overload in outside environment. Also, i personally support any question about my autism from the NPs. At least they are showing (or pretending), interest and i only stand to gain to clarify my limits around people. Well, it usually leads to loneliness.... but hey, better than a bad company.
I am a generally extroverted person but even I still can suffer from overload in outside environments. I wonder if there any extroverted autists who don’t experience that overload? Probably must be ones who don’t have any/a lot of sensory issues.
When someone says ”everyone is bit autistic” I say back that many autistic traits are human traits. Difference is in intensity,and how it affects in ones life. That means we all are humans, but not us all are eutistic. I have been told different versions of these.
This is great because once I get diagnosed I'm gonna use this video. It wasn't for videos I think I would have never figured it out. I relate It's the thought they counts
This was very validating to watch. I've had many unpleasant experiences, including working somewhere with other people who claimed to be autism professionals. The utter lack of compassion that often delves into outright cruelty gets incredibly frustrating and feels dehumanizing before long. I am deeply sad that others experience things like this too, but am also relieved I'm not alone in it. Thank you for making this video!
One of the first therapists I saw completely disregarded even the idea I could be having a lot of anxiety due to autism and burnout from masking because "you can make eye contact". Clearly she hasn't actually looked at the dsm5 because it's "abnormal eye contact or struggles with eye contact."
Yeah it took me years of freaking people out to nail the timing of eye contact. It's like a dance, and even a moment too long or short makes people react with so much rage. I still avoid it when I can. I once broke down all of the body language I was taking in from my therapist (who kept denying it) everything from her hands to her feet to her gestures, expression, tone and her level of blush, to her reaction to the news I was delivering. All without expression on my end. Then I started to mask again, while describing all the things I was going to do with my body and hands and feet and eyes and expression and tone and words. She was taken aback. Still don't quite know how she dealt with it later because she seemed quite shocked. But my mask is dozens of nuanced movements and observations used to mimic the person I'm talking to in order to keep myself safe. It's taken decades to get as good as I am, and I hate it.
I've definitely heard comments along the lines of "I wouldn't have known you're autistic!" when I've mentioned my diagnosis in the past. When I was younger, i took this to mean I was being "normal" or masking successfully and that that was a good thing. That probably wasn't what was meant to be communicated, but because my younger self interpreted these comments that way, I made "being normal"/masking a point of pride. Consequently, when I would fail to mask successfully, I'd often beat myself up over it. In hindsight, recognizing that my masking - or "being "normal" takes a toll has taught me to intentionally unmask more often. Moreover, understanding that I personally tend to mask the most when I'm uncomfortable, stressed or tired has helped me to give myself empathy. After all, if when I tend to mask the most is when I'm feeling overwhelmed and less mentally present, I'm also less likely in those situations to mask/socialize perfectly. Nowadays, if someone says "you don't seem autistic!" or something to that effect, I'm not offended by it per se; most of the time, the person means it as a compliment. However, I'll usually use their comment as a jumping off point to talk to them more about autism generally or my autism specifically so they can be a little bit more informed on the topic. Even if they know or remember just a little bit more about autism by the end of that conversation, I'll consider it a win.
I started wearing earplugs at home and it’s been the BEST thing to allow me to focus on sensitive days or when there’s noise outside or when I sleep at night - I can actually sleep now!! Such a game changer. Wish I new this years ago as it would have helped my stress/overwhelm levels so much! Loved #7...so true. Thank you for the analogy with the colour blindness. 👏🏼
I absolutely love all your videos! This one is also right on! Sad that I’m probably not the only one who’s heard these things coming from an actual doctor! (Not a psychologist… a general doctor)
I spent years in the mental health system -- misdiagnosed and being treated erroneously in ways that were more harmful than helpful -- as a result I hate being told that I must be depressed or I make mountains out of molehills as well that I need to "LET IT GO!" While I am still officially undiagnosed as being autistic, learning about autism has explained nearly every challenge I have faced since the day I was born ... (I am now nearly 70)! Your videos are explanatory and very helpful and I am grateful -- Thank you❣
I absolutely agree! Call me lazy and I WILL throw hands! You don’t know how much I’m telling myself that in my brain but can’t move sometimes out of overwhelm or it’s too cold or something. You think I like having to take so many breaks and procrastinate? I want to be working too, but I sometimes just can’t or I need some additional help. Like a heating blanket and noise canceling headphones playing the lowfi jams! And maybe people not looking at me or bothering me in any way. 😅
Late diagnosed trauDHD here, probably high masking, but mostly discovering myself in the spectrum. I'm learning a lot here and even didn't realize I was saying some of your examples. Thank you for sharing this!
"You could be outgoing and social if you just tried a bit harder." Told during my annual performance review at work after a year during which I tried so much harder than ever before to be outgoing and social that I was already bordering on autistic burnout.
This video is super helpful and affirming. I told 5 people that I'm very close to about my diagnosis. 1 reacted beautifully (the 1 I thought would be the worst). The rest were varying degrees of dismissal. I don't think any of it was malicious, but talk about shutting a person down. I was so nervous to tell my closest people and most of them responded with 'I don't see it' (duh cause I mask like it's a full-time career choice) or the real banger 'every one is a little autistic'. Oh I also had this doozey 'it feels like you're looking for something to be wrong with you'. That hurt, Im not ashamed of who I am and my sensitivities, I don't want attention ffs, I just want some simple accomodation to help me not freak out I will say, the thing that bugs me the most is that a flamed out of my 'very big deal job' spectacularly after having a meltdown and even with that evidence people 'don't see it' 🤦
Thumbs up at the very first one. I've had "Everyone is a little disabled, " too. My family, students and teachers all made so much fun of what they called my tics I stopped doing them. Well, I still sneak them a little when I'm sure I'm alone. But Shhh. This is the first time I've acknowledged them. I had to learn to sooth with acceptable things, for me that became music and I actually am a circus clown at it. But it's acceptable - sought after even. Lucky lucky lucky. I've heard #7 from my Dad and my doctor who won't have me tested because I make eye contact.
I haven't told many people yet so thankfully haven't had any comments like this yet but I am sure I will. It's just an oppurtunity to help people learn I guess, if they are willing. Saying that some people won't want to learn and will think they are right no matter how you try to teach them about autism. By the way , love the place you are in your video today, looks lovely. It looks like the UK. Thanks for sharing this video, they really help.
HAHAHAHA OMFG I just burst out laughing aloud at your clipping/editing/creativity at 3:25 with "what's your special talent?" ... "punching douchebags in the face" lmfao, BRILLIANT hahaha
#7 was recently said to me. Basically, that having the label of autism was wrong! Upset me, greatly! I like that a person having a color blindness “label” gives others an idea of another perspective in that person. “Autism” gives people another perspective about me.
Hey hey, Late Dx here aswell (@40, 41 atm) One of the worst things people so far said to me: "But you're so smart, you cant be authistic...." WTF, you're right, I dont have an intellectual disability,, far from it, but thats part of the reason Im diagnosed this late, I spend a lot of my capacity on masking for people like that, all the while attaining my chemistry and pharmaceutaical degrees, Its infuriating.. Keep up the good work!
My counsellor to me: "you're definitely not autistic, my autistic clients give off a different vibe. I can just tell. So we can discount that right now"
Great video, apart from being told not to stim, I’ve had everyone of these said to me, they are so annoying and show just how stupid some people are. It’s very wearing to have to constantly explain to people, my secret weapon is that Autism is one of my favourite subjects to talk about, so if you say one of these kinds of comments to me, you will get a very long explanation and long lecture on what Autism really is! That tends to such people up! Thank you for this video.
#1 my ex autism social worker. He also was offended that I called him neurotypical. Cause he connects so well with his clients and felt left out. LOL!!! He began wearing noice cancelling headphones and told me that really helps. I was like "Maybe you ARE autistic, too!" And adked why so I explained all the traits I see in him. He laught like naaaah like offended.
The stimming one is Hella relatable, when I try to sleep i put my hand in thr air, just straight up and look at the ceiling, I share a room with my older brother and he always calls me out on it
Indeed...I'm self-diagnosed and just when everything was starting to "click" through research and channels such as this I was expressing my revelation to someone who pulled that EXACT BS of #1-We'er ALL a little Au....NO WE are NOT! and THAT is OFFENSIVE! I cut this person off. It's through interactions like these I am now very careful about who I share this information with. Stepsister pulled the "Don't label yourself, my life hasn't been easy either yuh KNOW!" Coming from a mother of three with a great career and a LOT to show for it. Done explaining myself.
I ended up cutting off my ex because I told her that I suspected I am autistic (and this was not just something I 'decided' one day to be 'unique' either.) And she went on a rant about how I shouldn't 'say such things' about myself, and that she would never date an autistic man because 'they're scary' because her brother is... very very dependent autistic, and tends to get violent out of nowhere. She also said men couldn't get r×ped, so she was uhh... very red-flaggy.
"you need to be the one to correct your tone" . . That one has burned me so many times because dude, I can't hear myself at all. How can I correct my tone or volume without a gentle "oh hey, you are getting loud, just tone it down a smidge" which I admire that
I was diagnosed this year at 24. I’m extremely high masking and don’t know how not to be. Although my sensory and social issues do show occasionally. I’ve been told by my family I don’t “look autistic”
I hate when people say "everyone is a little autistic", it's straight up disrespectful to autistic people, I'm not autistic myself but I know many people who are.
I had to listen over and over several times because I kept focussing on that pink thingy you are holding, wondering how it feels like, eg. is it hard? Is it squishy? Is it soft? Is it satisfying to squeeze? Is it icky? 😂 Not a criticism at all; it’s a « me » thing I wanted to share. Hahah! I love the videos!! 🫶💖
When I was debriefing with my AuDHD stepdaughter after she had a meltdown what happened. Said to her “I know that was hard for you ….” Her response was “how do you know? You’re not Autistic.” I then thought - wow. Teachable moment. I was trying to be supportive and I wasn’t. I really learned that day to be careful on how I phrase things sometimes.
I’m completely blind, autistic and have CPTSD. I’ve been told a lot of these things, mainly about my blindness though. Not so much the autism and CPTSD. The only thing I remember hearing with those things is, “stop crying. Stop getting mad. You’re embarrassing. Just get over it.” Now, with the blindness, I’ve been told, “you don’t look blind. You’re not blind, you’re typing. How are you typing if you’re blind? Stop touching everything, sighted people don’t do that. It’s not normal for you to be touching everything. Watch where you’re going. You’re just using blindness as an excuse to not pay attention to your surroundings. Don’t get mad and kick or hit whatever you ran into, it’s not the object’s fault you ran into it.” The list goes on.
I suspected for several years that I was on the spectrum before I pursued a diagnosis, in my 50s, at the urging of my mother. She wanted reassurance that my “issues" were not due to her bad parenting. Even afterward, she still didn’t get it. She couldn’t understand how I could have a s*x life (I went from a four-year marriage to my current relationship of 30+ years with a wonderful, patient NT man I don’t live with) when “autistic people hate being touched.” She accused me of “holding onto the past” simply because I REMEMBERED the hurtful things said to me by her, my dad, siblings, teachers and peers for the first 25 years of my life. As if getting a diagnosis erases your memory. I’m not dwelling on them, harping on them or carrying resentment for them. I just remember them. Count me as one of those who wishes they hadn’t done away with the term Asperger’s. I still call myself Aspie, and so do many of my friends on the spectrum. When people hear “autistic,” they think Rain Man. When they hear “Asperger’s,” they think Sheldon. Yes, I know we’re not all Sheldon, but I think you know what I mean. Besides, I’d rather have a “syndrome” than a “disorder.”
I got the "You're not autistic, there's autistic people in my family and blablabla" and "I also have that, struggle with this" (from a probably neurotypical friend). There's nothing much you can say really, what can you say? Apart from waiting for the diagnosis and brandish it out, or educating people. I'll admit I was guilty of saying to a friend she's not autistic, before I knew much about autism, but we straightened the records since. :)
although only a week old diagnosed.... THE one that has always bugged me.. was "you have to take a step back and think before you speak....use your filters.." and I finally found the analogy for this during my Diagnostic assessment...." If my filter is the Door guy/bouncer at a night club or bar... and its quiet... yep I can perfectly control the drunk.. the aggressive, the underage .. from entering.. HOWEVER when the angry mob of 600 storm the door .. the fastest and loudest gets to the bar first ....leaving the doorman trampled underfoot" those 600 things that I THINK to say almost instantly and simultaneously mob my speech filter.. Now I know why...
"It sounds like you're just using it as an excuse..." - From my former close ND friend, because he couldn't understand why I was pulling back from things in the middle of a burnout...
OMG I love this video, it is so validating, I feel I've heard all of them and most of those were meant as a compliment but made me paranoic and I just fell more into the impostor syndrome. The one that I can't be autistic because I graduated from university I heard from a PSYCHOLOGIST and the one that I can't be autistic because have a boyfriend I heard from PSYCHIATRIST. They didn't have any more arguments, just this was enough for them..
I tapped the timestamp and got an ad for Chick-fil-A lol. Perfect timing. But yes i absolutely agree. Watching this made me want to punch my device and they weren’t even talking to me.
The one about “everyone is a little autistic” was actually said in a video by a neuropsychologist who were discussing if Bill Gates was autistic. He said everyone fits on the spectrum, because everyone has one or two signs/symptoms of autism.
Which of these comments have you heard? How would you respond if you wanted to tell someone why they should probably not say it again? And what else would you add to this list? Let us know ⤵ - and thanks for being here 😊
Thanks for the videos
i got the "you're just depressed" treatment from actual psychiatrists. first rolled with it but it got soooo much worse with that approach (including every single antidepressant and other medication backfiring horribly)
essentially cost me 15 years of my life.
@@ChrisandDebby I think I have heard most of them in the short time that I auto diagnosed @ 74 about a year ago after suspecting for a really long time. The worst was when I told my grown daughter: “Who told you that? No you’re not!” The awful thing is that I expected a negative remark, (bc she knows it all! ) but after explaining that I recognized a lot of traits in her 25 y/o ADHD (diagnosed) son it got worse with her telling me it was enough for me to say that I am but to also diagnose my grandson was a different thing and not to go on. Sad, to say the least. Why would loved ones react like that.
I've hear them all, but some I hear weekly, from my own family who knows I'm Autistic and intentionally didn't get me diagnosed.
@@fariesz6786I hear you…..they just gave me loads of different anti-depressants. They didn’t work, or made me feel worse. Mind you this was before I became aware that I was on the spectrum (just thought I was weird, strange, different). At the moment I’m self-diagnosed, but on the adult adhd waiting list). They also put me on CBT courses and I just didn’t get it at all (felt stupid unintelligent). I’ve put a comment in the main section about my new keyworker and what she gave me on our 2nd session (after a 2 week gap and now there will be a 3 week gap til I see her again).
Hope you are getting the help and you are being listened to now, you deserve it. Take care, best wishes 🙂💪
"Why do you want a label?" "I don't want a label. I want a diagnosis. There's a difference."
„It’s just a label you want to hide behind.”
The diagnosis of autism gives you a label.
I want to be diagnosed so I can get the proper help needed.
Not to be labeled as one.
That what medical professionals told me when I suggested I might have Body Dysmorphic Disorder.
@@jbr84tx a label is just that, a descriptor. You were always this way, label or not. "Autistic" describes a set of symptoms, it's not in itself a manifestation.
That is to say, if you meet the criteria, you are automatically labelled, no matter what you or anyone else wishes.
"Oh, everyone's a little quadriplegic. Like... I know I can't get out of bed sometimes, right? Same thing!"
😂😂😂😂👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻
I've said "everybody forgets things sometimes, yet not everyone is a little bit demented, and not everyone has a little bit of Alzheimers."
Bahaha best reply ever!!
😂😂😂
"Oh, everyone's a little Idiotic." Or mostly.
A very good friend of mine said "you can't be autistic, you have empathy", then really tried to convince my my diagnosis wasn't accurate. I found it both nice that she thought I have high empathy, and really offensive and kind of scary that people think autistic people don't.
@@ddsbread5673 Media has definitely disseminated the idea that autistic people are robotic and emotionless. I’ve been told I’m very empathetic because I sit and listen and console. I also have ZERO idea why they’re so upset but I listen. 🤷🏽♀️ I was 40 before I understood grief and crying when someone dies. It was my cat passing that it finally made sense.
Yeah, I kept hearing "autistic people lack empathy" that's one reason I didn't seek a diagnosis earlier in spite of all the other things I do. I'm very empathetic, sometimes too much. It physically hurts me sometimes.
I had that misconception up until 3 years ago. then I fell into the neurospicy bubble. now I know so much more (I knew shit... really) and am working on my own official diagnosis. I think especially "rainman" has really shaped the idea of what autism looks like for a lot of people... and then sheldon... it's not exactly helpfull.
We're sill expected to act like faulty robots.
O have far more empathy that neurotypicals that's why alot of us are carers etc trouble is I feel to many of peiplea emotions
I am 45. I can't tell you the number of times growing up I was told "you're not autistic" or "I'd never know you're autistic" or "I don't believe you're autistic" ...which you'd think would make me proud of how well I mask... but it doesn't. It just makes me feel even more invisible. In fact, I wasn't even formally diagnosed until I was 30... and even then, It was basically impossible, even with expert review... to convince my own family that I was autistic. Nobody wanted to believe it, and my parents have always treated disability like a weakness to overcome. So glad I am an adult and can make my own choices... my youth was a hellscape of abuse and mistreatment... from home to school. I am not alone. I know what i am describing is a common thread among Autistic people. Just know you're not alone either. We all share common experiences as masking autistic adults. We are here for each other... there are many communities to vent your frustrations and have your voice heard by people who understand you. Stay strong!
Thanks for being here and sharing your experience too! 🙌🙌🙌
I just turned 45. I share your feelings and experiences. Coming up in a pretty conservative family, struggling in public school environment, etc..I get it 💯 %.
I think "I'd never know you're autistic" is not so bad; it's admitting their own ignorance on the subject or of your experience. ♥️
There are hundreds of video about how to limit your interaction with toxic families, and how to recover. Put the blame where it belongs: on THEM, not you and take responsibility for you own life by setting healthy boundaries. You don't have to convince anyone that you are a worthy individual, if they don't value you, move on.
I moved to a faraway country, parents should realize that mistreating their children is just depriving them of grandchildren and support in old age.
I would like to tell you it gets better, it did for me, but not the way you think. I out lived them. My parents told my sister, that I would NEVER be able to live on my own. I have, I did, I am. I hope to out live my sister, too, so I never have to hear "Mom and dad put me in charge." I haven't talked to her in over 2 years. Hang in there Super, you are loved, you are not alone, and most important you are respected.
Yeah the lazy one hits hard. Right after "if he would only apply himself, he'd do so well"... AuDHD here, diagnosed at 38.
Heard it growing up all the time. Doesn’t apply himself, you’re being lazy…nauseating.
As a fellow AuDHD-er I jest that the Au in AuDHD stands for gold.
@@RemizZ Yeah! I have all my report cards from elementary to high school where that was the teachers comments. I was so distracted etc., etc. But the thing is that I wasn’t in the Honor Roll but I got very good grades all while struggling in competition with kids one and two years older than me. Being the OOPS! daughter of 39 y/o parents (my sister was fifteen and my brother ten when I came along) I guess they wanted to get rid of me and put me in 1st grade @ five y/o without having gone to pre K or K. I went to school with a stomachache every single day! At that time I had never seen a nun in my life (parroquial school) and was so afraid of them! I could say I was one of those girls who fell through the cracks in school with ADD (no H in my case) bc I learned to mask really early with an A in conduct all my life, but totally miserable and with few friends. So, so miserable, I was so quiet and well behaved sometimes I wanted to be invisible!
AuDHD with "potential" here. Well, it's somewhere around here.
Bane of my existence as a child. I hated it so much. Of course girls weren't allowed to be autistic in the 80's and 90's.
"It keeps my brain from exploding." Oh, I'm so going to start using that 😂
“So let me get this right. We’re forced to listen to this spa music so your head doesn’t explode and kill us all?”
@@SoundClaw09DETECTIVE PICACHU!!!
Same
This video is so well timed. I just had someone close to me say this a couple of days ago. They didn't mean to hurt me but have no idea how frustrating and hard it is to feel so unsupported when I can no longer do all I have to keep up with the charades of our lives while masking. I am so freaking thankful for the actually autistic community for reaching my daughter and myself, the validation is literally life saving.
Yes!! That is where this video began - real interactions with people who were usually well intentioned but had no idea what they were actually saying. I’m so glad that you’re finding support with this content - hope you’ll enjoy the video!! And then have a way to respond to some of those comments too 😅
@@777Amato I very much agree with what you have to say. Finally having a little bit of validation has been life altering and yes, even life saving! 🤗
I was bouncing my leg and my mother said "can you stop doing that?". I just looked at her and I think my face must have been completely exhausted and I said 'let me have this' and she just said "ok" and let me be.
"You don't look/act autistic" angers me so much because when I was a kid, I was always told to "stop pretended to be [r-word]ed for attention" and would be punished very severely for displaying autistic traits. Instead of being sent to the doctor, I was sent to my room.
And as a child who felt completely normal, I did not think to tell my parents that maybe if my natural behaviors mimicked that of a disabled person, maybe we should see a doctor? As a child, all I knew was that I was told what I was doing was mean and I needed to stop.
Feel this the most of all the comments. I sat down with my mum and I asked if I had any behaviours. I had noise/climate triggered major meltdowns and was on barbiturates for 2 years, I was a loner, had total recall memory, hated being touched and could stare down adults by age five. She then said she thought I was a normal easy child after then..... (That's when I shut myself off pretty much) She now has guilt 30 years later now I'm diagnosed. School, college and life would have been so much easier if ASD was taken more seriously back then.
oh heeeeeeeeeeey my dad loves to tell a story which he describes as me "doing my best [r-word] impression" at an interview to be spiteful because i didn't want to be there
i was anxious, and the interview was the end of a long chain of events because my teachers said i should get tested for neurodivergence (i think we only ever ended up testing my IQ)
My friend, I am so sorry this happened to you. What the actual hell....
That's legit so fcked though??? What was the thought process there? "Hmm, my child is displaying all the signs that they are disabled, as they behave and act and move just like people with this one disability..... it must be that my child is an asshole and is being mean and making fun of disabled people!" HUH???
Could you imagine if that was anything else? "Stop acting like you're out of breath for attention, you're being mean and making fun of people with asthma." "Stop pretending to faint for attention, you're belittling people who have disorder that make them faint!" "You don't NEED glasses, you just want them because they're trendy. There are people who need them and you're taking away their frames."
@@Star_Rattler People can't handle cognitive dissonance so they lash out at the kid, which is easier than going to the doctor about the signs which might not be that clear.
@@yverose8355 I have the opposite... my mum wanted me to get diagnosed when i was like 13 and apparently I refused... I really wish I hadn't I am 31 and things have improved but no way there as much as I thought they would. I am on waiting list now for both ADHD and ASD... fingers crossed
when i revealed to my best friend that i think im autistic she hit me with “but you like hugs. autistic people hate hugs.” and “that’s okay. everyone is a little autistic”. and my grandma called autism a disease when i told her. my grandpa said i can’t be autistic because i can walk and talk. my sister said “no you’re just weird” my dad said im not autistic because i don’t have a “robotic” voice..
That sucks, when you try to share something you feel is rather core to your being, and it's just reduced or dismissed.
Then again, they're not the ones living with it, and usually a word doesn't change how they think/feel about you.
I'm so sorry that everyone invalidated your diagnosis, you really don't deserve it. They clearly have it all wrong about autism, and you shouldn't let that let you down. You are yourself and no one can take that away from you
wow. you have as much support with your family as i do with mine. im sorry you have to deal with it too.
I was called weird too. I am weird, and I have no idea what’s wrong with me.
Ok, saying "You're weird" is the most sibling thing to say
I'm high masking, and my doctor said I'm very polished. I liked that, because it fits. After all, I've been playing this character for 30+ years, so I know how my character is supposed to react to things. I've got the mannerisms down, like any other performer who's been working on their craft since childhood.
Great video! Just the other week, I was told by my friend's wife that "oh, we're all a little bit autistic!" and that "we all have sensitivities and quirky habits", etc. when I disclosed that I was being tested for autism. I understand she was speaking from a place of ignorance and inner projection rather than true malice, but was still very frustrating and invalidating to hear. I've chosen to no longer speak to her about it, which suits us both just fine.
Also, I have a vision now in my head of someone asking me what my "autistic superpower" is and me just narrowing my eyes at them and responding, "...patience. Lots of patience." Lol.
Thanks for all your content - it's videos like these that have really been helping me come home to myself in these recent months. Wishing you and Debby the best! 😊
I haven’t been given the “we’re all a little autistic” since my diagnosis, but I’m a little worried about it. I know I’m not going to be able to stop myself from saying, “No, we aren’t”, and then going onto a deep info dump on autism and neurology.
“So tell me now about how we all have neuronal migration as neurons grow into layers of the brain they shouldn’t, how we all have had less than expected synaptic pruning, or how we all have increased intra-region neuronal communication and decreased cross-brain communication.”
Omg. Patience IS my autistic superpower. I was tutoring my little cousin. And my grandmother said I have the patience of Job. 😂
When at my second wedding, (I was 39) my mother told my husband: “Be patient with her, she’s lazy.” And that hurt.
Haha woah, that’s brutal. What a bitch.
@@asaldanapr OMG 😳 I am so sorry that you had to go through that. What a horrible thing to say, and at the worst time too. I sincerely hope you have been able to heal from that comment and obvious misunderstanding of you and your daily struggles. Truthfully I feel like maybe some neurotypical people just don't have any clue what we go through and deal with as autistics and AuDHDers. Just literally can't begin to understand why we are the way we are and why we sometimes behave a little bit differently etc. Basically I think maybe they have as hard a time understanding us as we do them......or maybe not.... either way, hurtful words are still hurtful words.
OMG!
Ugh. That's uncalled for, mom. Dang! I would've been hurt by that, too.
I struggle with internalized thoughts that I'm lazy. Even though after listening to folks like KC Davis, I firmly believe now that laziness isn't real. It's a perception or a symptom of something else. It's gonna take me a long time to internalize the replacement beliefs on laziness. I'm currently reading "how to keep house while drowning," and I def recommend it. 🫶🏻
@@jmaessen3531 Thanks!
As an autistic and adhd person who was raised in an ableist family by an autistic father and adhd mother who don’t get along, this video was eye opening about the ways you rationalize against those viewpoints. I’ve long applied these very statements to myself when I wasn’t happy with my own conduct and performance, because both of them would use some of those statements on me. They believed I was autistic, since they took me to the doc, but they always believed I could act not autistic by just applying myself more. They were right that I could do anything that other people could do, but they were wrong about whether it had the same toll on me or whether I could accomplish it in the same way.
I appreciate you talking about stuff like this because it exposes me to other ways people think about things. It helps me love myself more and not hate my autism as much.
Which ADHD
The shady jokes at the end of each conversation really made me laugh 😂
6:08 I got a commercial pilots license, engineering degree, built a lovely six-string electric bass guitar, worked as a consulting engineer (may be going into private practice in the new year), and got diaged with the nosis. And oh man do I now realise I have executive function issues, often very and easily irritated, and that feeling that I am somehow a ‘late bloomer’ even at age 37. Environmental stimuli exhausting me when it gets too much and I can’t seem to regulate myself. Emotions - lots going on in here but ask me to articulate it and I have people suggesting to me how I feel and yet they don’t quite get it right.
Best I begin to embrace it and accept myself as I am, and put people-pleasing behind me for good.
Thanks for the videos Chris.
Ha, that late bloomer feeling. I know it so well. I'm 38 and got diagnosed on Thursday.
@@missoats8731 and yet I still feel that way compared to my wife, my friends and peers. And good for getting the diagnosis…it’s been a rather confusing experience figuring myself out and hope it would be a little less ‘rough’ your side.
I am not overwhelmed by environmental stimuli. I think the adrenaline or whatever I get from leaving the house numbs me to this. However it comes at the cost of my ability to concentrate in the school setting.
I am so tired of people misinterpreting me and thinking they know my thoughts or how I feel. It has caused me to lose my job and be socially smeared in my town to the point of not getting hired!
Getting my IFR rating really brought me to my bandwidth limits, but I did it
Just being told flat out "no you're not" is most annoying and common for me. Like they get on at me for never making eye contact or stimming but when i say its autism they say it can't be. Many don't even really know me too. So frustrating.
My response to people who say “no you’re not” is “Ok, Dr. Google”
What about when someone says "You can't be autistic you don't have a special interest" when actually I have so many I can't pick one and get so overwhelmed that i just don't do anything lol.
@@TheBanana93 Hey same. I just try to group interests together so it looks like less but it never works. I kinda have one dominant one in my life so if i have to i go with that.
Every time you made a joke, I was waiting for "But you can't be autistic, autistic people don't understand sarcasm and are always 100% literal."
"You're not that autistic"
I walked away because I was angry/discouraged and nothing good would have come from the malformed reply I was sure to make in my state.
I'm still learning about how I relate to my diagnosis. It's been 8 months of learning, and there's a lot of nuance to consider. TH-cam has been the best resource and channels such as these have immensely helpful, so thanks!
Me too. God bless them!
I just thought I was a terrible person who couldn't live up to what everyone else was doing. Late diagnosis.
Exactly! I grew up with such self loathing because the message was always how useless and lazy I was. This was back in the 70s, early 80s, when along with everything else, nobody from Good families ever had any mental disorders. It took a long time and a gifted counselor to help me dig through all that to see my actual self.
I was part of a therapy group with a bunch of NT ladies around my age. I said I was autistic. MISTAKE!! I heard at least 4 of these things from different ladies, one after the other. One lady felt the need to "put me in my place" as not autistic because her cousin's son was autistic and I "was nothing like him. " So there." she implied with her know it all glare. Ugh! I got so mad. I quit the group a few sessions later. I'm socially awkward to the point of it being nearly a phobia, so I was really surprised how quickly the group tried to downplay and belittle my autism, and deeply hurt. Lesson learned. Individual therapy from then on.
Unfortunately I've learned that disclosing is usually a bad idea, even with people I thought I knew well and trusted. It's really sad.
@@higherground337 Yup lost my GF because of always being open about it...
@@higherground337 That's why as soon as I start making friends with somebody I tend to be quick with disclosing delicate information such as this, so I don't waste time befriending someone who won't respect and accept me for who I am
I am BPD. While I do not have autism, I've had similar questions, and a hole opinions.
I understand masking, and burnout. I do sometimes get overwhelmed with sensory info. But sometimes I dont get enough stimulation.
I dont know your struggles, but I have empathy. Stigma is real. Im glad you are helping people get over stigma. You have wonderful comebacks.
Comments that upset me include:
‘You’re not listening to me’ (when I don’t make eye contact when speaking).
‘You’re mad at me’ (when I find the quantity of momentary input too much).
Even worse, ‘You’re mad at me because ……’.
‘Speak to me’ after a question has been ask, and it takes a second to think about the answer.
Also diagnosed at 41. It feels like I've been cheated out of life.
THIS. Oh my gods! I understand that I was a kid in the 80's, but holy smokes! Maybe if I had known why it was all so hard for me, it wouldn't have been. Y'know? 😭
@@Mamabat666 That's exactly how I feel. I've always been alone, no friends, my friends became books, I still can't hold a job longer than 3 months, I still don't understand people. I think if I'd gotten help when my mom had to take me out of school at age 7 because I couldn't keep up, or in 7th grade when i wouldn't have passed if my math teacher hadn't stayed behind on his own dime to help me pass, or in high school where I dropped out after a year and a half because I couldn't keep up... maybe, just maybe, I would have had the help to figure out how to make friends and how to get through school and how to keep a job. I really feel like my whole life could have been SO DIFFERENT. But my mom wanted to believe I was just being a difficult child.
Diagnosed at age 42 and you just summed up my life.
Followed by all manner of grief.
I love Chris' humor in this one! Thank you for sharing! Take care! 😀
I was told I can't be Autistic because I'm an artist and Autistic people have no imagination, I was diagnosed at five years old, I have been artistic my entire life, I even drew my PFP.
I'm Autistic and Artistic too (I love your profile picture btw)
It’s funny how a lot of the time it’s the complete opposite
My favorite is "you didn't act like that before you found out that you are autistic" or "you didn't seem to have as much trouble or you didn't seem to be as sensitive etc.....before you found out that you are autistic.....!" I've literally been told that I am acting more autistic than I used to..... WTF? I don't even know how to respond to that one, but I have been told that more than once. I feel like maybe 🤔 I should say something like "or maybe you are just not as observant as you think you are"....or "maybe I seem more autistic because I am NOT MASKING as much as I used to around you." Of course then I would probably just stop feeling comfortable with that individual and probably just go back to masking therefore I guess I would be reverting back to my pre-autistic realization and now my behavior will be more tolerable than when I dropped the mask, so good for you, you win....." Maybe not add that last part..... LoL! At least I can still laugh at the ridiculous things that we are told as autistic adults who are just doing the best we can!!
My response is, “No, I’m ACTING less neurotypical because the behavior you saw was not the behavior that was natural to me. It was, literally, acting.”
The reality is that I do act “more autistic” now. If somebody is genuinely curious, I might explain that I have suppressed my natural inclinations for so long that I don’t even know what comes naturally anymore, so I’m also experimenting to see what does work for me, so that, too, might change over time.
I get that same reaction/comment all the time about being “more ADHD” since I was diagnosed late only 3 years ago. Not only am I in a completely different stage of life than I used to be, but understanding myself more lately has definitely helped me to recognize how OFTEN I was masking, and to STOP doing it as much as I used to!
I feel embarrassed when my husband mentions my social anxiety has gotten worse. Finding out more about my triggers, and being told through therapy I'm allowed to drop a mask and be affected. Square peg , round hole is more obvious nowadays.
Omg I’m so scared to get more of those infractions I swear and it’s also part of what makes me not want to get a diagnosis because like someone might think that 😭
Thank you for your work. Your videos are very validating for me. As a late diagnosed high masking autistic, I appreciate how you communicate so clearly about your experiences. Often I avoid even talking about this subject with others because it can be very challenging, but your videos are helping me understand how to better communicate my experiences to others in new and more effective ways. You are crushing it and I look forward to your next video
brought bhuddist prayer breads...108 beads to roll constantly through my fingers..went from wierd..to zen ...who knew...now ..not quite sure how...but now i am wise,serene and centred..sacred stim..ommmm
"I'm also a little dumber after listening to you" 😂😂
I am still undiagnosed but absolutely sure about my high masking ADHD and also kind of "very" sure about autism.
Until i was 11, always when my parents and i were driving in the car, i all the time rolled my head from one side to the other, even for hours for stimming while i was mentally counting from 1 to 10,000 for more stimulation (i never felt comfortable with my dad).
Then we moved to a new house. My parents told me, i should stop that behavior, if i don't want the new neighbors to think, that i'd be a monkey. They themselves obviously were embarrassed. That hurt. I also had to stop making strange sounds with my voice at the same time. They never accepted me to be not normal, so i began high masking long before that as a small child.
Last Monday, i was at my new psychotherapist and told him, that i assume to have ADHD. He told me, that nowadays everyone wants that label, but for sure he didn't want to offend me (what he absolutely did). His voice sounded, as if he would find that ridiculous. That was our last session, because i now know, that he never will be even capable of understanding me just a little bit. We are from different planets obviously...
Glad you're not staying with the therapist. I stayed way too long with the one that asked me if I thought I had ADHD because I didn't want to do what I was supposed to be doing. It took me years and a better therapist to get my self esteem back out of the garbage.
@@jessv4444 This sounds really sad. One is searching for help and some therapists are abusive or at least absolutely incapable and that is what I got after one year searching and waiting, paying thousand bucks every month for insurance... But I was really lucky with the 3 therapists before. They were all great and very helpful.
My last therapist, whom I mentioned, had no empathy, almost no expression of emotions and behaved like a robot. I felt gas lit twice in 4 sessions, masked excessively, was fearful before sessions etc.
Reminded me of my creepy psychopathic father.
No therapist is always better, than a really bad one.
You and I have an incredibly similar sense of humor😂.
I'm also late diagnosed at the request/concern of my wife after one of our children was diagnosed.
I enjoy your outlook and the fact you and your wife have a similar dynamic helps provide perspective for us.
3:53 “I’m autistic. Not Mozart” well said. 😂
Amazing video. It's a tough balance between trying to learn about your own condition and inform others. I have a lot of compassion and patience for people because the gap between general education about autism and the reality is still very wide. Yes, some people can be thoughtless jerks, but most are actually trying their best with the knowledge they have been given. So I can't be mad at them. Thankful for videos like this that help everyone get up to speed.
As a child, I understood literally and didn’t like using words I didn’t understand. So, labels were the worst, because it seemed like no one could explain them the same way-even supposedly smart adults would define them differently. I didn’t I was autistic until about 12 years ago. I’m in my late 50s and the diagnosis explains a lot, but the label gives me neither relief or discomfort-it’s just a characteristic of mine. Since I know that most people use words they don’t understand, it’s easy to hear what they say and I’m totally ok with it. I don’t correct them or even react, which throws them off more. My father told me when I was about six, “nobody wants to hear what you have to say.”
It’s true! Most people only want to talk and not hear, and then only if it parrots their opinions and beliefs. It’s just a habit of not wanting to learn. 🤷♂️
I remember mom telling me that when I corrected people for using wrong grammar/language when I was a years old, I hurt their feelings. So I just don't.
“Oh so you’re high functioning then?”
😑😑😑
I respond with I'm high masking.
Yep, the version of me that YOU see is, because it's not safe to unmask with you. Because of bonkers harmful concepts like "high functioning" which are rooted in harmful concepts like racism, capitalism, productivity defining our value... Geez. 😡
Okay, mini-rant complete. I know everyone here is on the same page. Thank you Chris and Debby and comment peeps. Today's a dumb day and this community helps a ton. 😂 🫶🏻 🛸 🙃
This LITERALLY happened to me today before surgery, i just said, thats offensive, dont say that.
@@jmaessen3531 Ok sorry, if you don't make that distinction, if you are NOT high-functioning, how do you describe the different degrees of severity? Don't tell me someone on the mentally retarded end of the spectrum, who couldn't even mask if they wanted to, who can't wipe their own backsides or look after themselves in the most basic ways and will never live independently, is just like that 'because of society'.
Late diagnosis (over 60), only because helping someone raise their grandchild, who is definitely autistic. One of the breakthroughs is going to be those kids who turned out "normal" because their house of horrors abuse started before they were verbal. It was not just because it was before they were verbal. Their autism enabled them to go quiet and work out how to not trigger or escalate the perpetrator, or "disappear" so they weren't the punching bag when the perpetrator had a berserker frenzy. Then not go insane, tantrum out... It was the autism that enabled them to find the "safe paths" in insane circumstances. Appearing "normal" and "nothing going on here" was a survival skill. In part because masking is a form of "grey rock" so the perpetrator was not "fed" by your fear or defiance, not triggered by your stimming or miscommunicating. Some of that nonverbal stuff helped. You weren't talking to them or demanding their attention and were "happy" to live off whatever crumbs might have come your way. Another reason you could "disappear", you weren't attention seeking, so they didn't notice you had gone and hid somewhere...
I've had the "oh you're just overreacting" comment when I'm having an anxiety moment or over stimulating moment of feeling uncomfortable about (a noise or series of noises, too many people being rowdy, an ambulance went by blaring it's siren of ouch in my ear, etc) and it's so annoying to hear "why did you act like that? Stop it" or "I don't understand why you get so upset over something so little" ... little?? *goes banshee mode* and rightfully so. Being autistic (Aspergers as well), is so much more than what people think it is. The issue here is that, if you want to teach people about it, tell them "this is my story" of autism. No one else is like me.
I've never been told these statements myself but I definitely agree that it's annoying. As you've said and many autistic folks have said is that since it's a spectrum, when you've met one autistic person, you've met one autistic person. I personally get annoyed when people try to use autism to excuse scummy behavior that they do.
Thing is people who are absolutely and obviously NOT autistic, but think autism is some kind of quirky social badge to signal you're unique and oh-so-much-specialer than everybody else, use the 'spectrum' argument to stop anyone calling them out and challenging their self ID. 'I' m just so totally autistic everyone '.
' you don't show a single symptom. '
' waaahh autism is a spectrum you can't tell me that I'm not autistic '
the second one I was told by doctor💀
"I've got a friend that has autistic son, and you're not like him"
I would ask at that point, “which of your text books on the presentation of autism did that nugget come out of. Might be time to ask for a refund.”
Noooooo!! 😱😱😱
"Oh yah? I have a neurotypical friend, and you're nothing like him! You must just be dumb!" 🙃
"Where exactly does the DSM-5 mention your friend's son?"
It's the ways doctors can be so stupid
A thing that I'm not sure I've seen repeatedly emphasized enough is how far our traits can significantly change over time. So for example there are times when I can write words and sentences. And there are times when there is no possibility at all that I can. Same with speaking, listening, the temperature, the number of people I can cope with, handling. Everything swings from +1 (extreme) to -1 (opposite extreme). In whatever timeframe cycle it chooses. Hours, weeks, months, years. (There may also be some adhd in play for me in this, not sure)
So I find people make assumptions about me, that have now changed, sometimes to the opposite of what they were. "I thought you liked the sun", "no, that's torture, I want to be in a dark room with the light on dim and never go outside ever again". That kind of stuff. Happy Days!
You bring up a really interesting point!! I completely understand what you mean about the +1 to -1. We have added it to our video list. Thank you very much for sharing!! 🙌🙌
this is such a great point!
Brilliantly done! Love the skit angle! I'm bedridden due to severe ME/CFS, and my ASD diagnosis came after that, so I haven't been able to tell many people I'm autistic. I told the doctor at the ER months ago, though, and he immediately came back with "no, you're not." No hesitation. He didn't even look at me. 🙄😡
I've come up with what to say if it happens again: "Which of the diagnostic criteria do you disagree with?"
“You know, it’s a licensing infraction to diagnosed autism without proper training. Can you give me your license information, so I can report this potential violation to DOPL?”
“But I’m not diagnosing you.”
“You are a medical professional in a clinical setting and have diagnosed me as not autistic. That means you have ruled out autism. That’s a diagnostic act.”
Obviously, it isn’t going to go anywhere, but maybe if state licensing boards get inundated with complaints from autistic patients, doctors would stop that crap.
What!!!???
Hallo again CricketGirrl, I think I wrote to you on another channel a little while ago, as I also have ME and self-diagnosed ASD. That's a double whammy of conditions many people believe don.t exist. I feel for you, stuck in bed; I was there too once, but am now a lot better. All the very best, and hugs.
I had severe ME/CFS for years too(milder now). ADHD and Autism are a common combination. untreated ADHD can lead to severe fatigue.
I’ve had CFS for over 20 years and the ADHD stimulants have made a massive difference. Finally started to be able to get out of the house with for the first time in 20 years.
If you get a chance look into an ADHD assessment.
Today, at halfway to my 57th birthday, I finally sought either a dismissal of concerns or a diagnosis due to my new job of 6 months presenting mental and social challenges I have not been able to adjust to. AuDHD confirmed. Now what? I think I'll find some professional support and learn some new coping mechanisms.
Nailed it. Ive never disclosed my diagnosis for sympathy (or debate), but more so that they'd (hopefully) be more understanding when I fail to meet their expectations... As it's bound to happen. Also, I tend to ask a lot of questions and it's best if you dont 'read in-between the lines' with me,... Which is another one of those autistic things.
Also, have had psychiatrists adamant it isn't autism. Those are the ones that scare me...
“You are just using your autism as a crutch!”
it is called knowing my boundaries and what I can and cannot do, Barbra.
Me using my Asperger's diagnosis as a crutch, so I can do whatever I want (I know I'm a shithead)
Thanks, Chris. I *so* enjoy your videos - solid information with a solid dose of humor. I'd like to add, don't ever say this to an autistic person: "I *knew* there was something wrong with you."
I've heard them all. I'm 54, and didn't realize I was autistic until I was 48, with ADHD at 50 (despite a family history of it, including my mom and my son). Add to that PMDD, CPTSD, sensory processing disorder, anxiety, and a stockpile of additional mobility and hormonal issues.
When I was a kid it was "oh, they're just hyperactive. Cut back on sugar." Or, "you have so much potential if you'd only apply yourself / you're not living up to your potential." Or "you're just being over-sensitive / melodramatic / hormonal."
Now that I'm older and well into menopause territory, we get dismissed further with "it's just menopause / you're just a hysterical female / it's the hormones / go lose 20 lbs & do some yoga and all your problems will be solved."
Perpetually dismissed and invalidated, to the point that I haven't bothered to pursue a formal diagnosis, because a) I know what I've lived with my entire life, b) the American heath care system is a misogynistic dumpster fire - long wait lists, limited resources, high expense, and c) would it really do any good? Best case scenario, I'm believed and accepted, I get a piece of paper to confirm my lived experience. But at what cost on the way?
Whenever people tried to tell my mom there might be something "off" about me as a kid, it was instantly shot down with "she's GIFTED. You just don't get it." So like so many other women of my generation we slip through the cracks, misdiagnosed (or never diagnosed), called crazy and hysterical and oversensitive and dramatic. Friends joke about needing to keep aerosol prozac around to spray you with because you didn't know you're dysregulated.
I was creative, I seemed to be an extrovert (theater kid who is REALLY good at masking, because if they're laughing with me, it's not at me), I was hyperlexic and decent at practical math. I was into band and art, and did my best to be "good" so I wouldn't be a burden. Now I'm in my 50s and struggling to unravel decades of social conditioning, and it's exhausting.
As for "why do you need a label?" I would rather be recognized and accept myself as a normal zebra instead of a broken horse. I'm more patient and understanding with myself, and unlearning perfectionism. Representation absolutely matters, and self-diagnosis in this case is just as valid. I don't need a DSM to tell me my everyday lived experience.
I'm a bit younger than you, but omg, same deal. So infuriating.
41, and share the same
I feel that, just went for assessment... and sometimes seemed like doctor wasn't paying attention or taking notes
42 years old - similar deal:
-“But you’re so gifted”
- “You’re able to engage with people”
- “You don’t have any problem with making eye contact”
The last one is not actually true according to my neuropsychological evaluation - I’ll usually fixedly stare at a point off to the side or behind the person after visually scrutinizing the environment, or I make such intense eye contact that it makes the other person feel uncomfortable, awkward, or intimidated.
You know what kills me is that ive gotten so good at hiding the issues that when they do show i get told im faking it for attention. People don't understand the internal struggles we deal with. i know i have to deal with chronic fatigue from just trying to navigate and act the "normal" part to the point where its painful to go everyday. I love all of you and you are all unique no matter what people say to you. Thank you for the amazing content you put out.
I'm tired of all on the list. The one I hate the most is: "You are NOT! You're too normal." I've been bullied at various times all my life no matter how "normal" I tried to seem so I could be accepted. I failed. Now I'm not allowed to just be autistic? 🤬 Grrrrr
If they don't accept my explanation of autistic masking, why we do it, and that I have challenges they don't see, they're never going to get another conversation out of me. Their loss.😊
Preachhhh
Even if you are an extroverted aspie, you rarely get to show it over sensory overload. I would love to hear about those that are actually extroverted and don't suffer from overload in outside environment.
Also, i personally support any question about my autism from the NPs. At least they are showing (or pretending), interest and i only stand to gain to clarify my limits around people. Well, it usually leads to loneliness.... but hey, better than a bad company.
I am a generally extroverted person but even I still can suffer from overload in outside environments. I wonder if there any extroverted autists who don’t experience that overload? Probably must be ones who don’t have any/a lot of sensory issues.
When someone says ”everyone is bit autistic” I say back that many autistic traits are human traits. Difference is in intensity,and how it affects in ones life. That means we all are humans, but not us all are eutistic.
I have been told different versions of these.
That's a great way to put it!
This is great because once I get diagnosed I'm gonna use this video.
It wasn't for videos I think I would have never figured it out. I relate It's the thought they counts
This was very validating to watch. I've had many unpleasant experiences, including working somewhere with other people who claimed to be autism professionals. The utter lack of compassion that often delves into outright cruelty gets incredibly frustrating and feels dehumanizing before long. I am deeply sad that others experience things like this too, but am also relieved I'm not alone in it. Thank you for making this video!
One of the first therapists I saw completely disregarded even the idea I could be having a lot of anxiety due to autism and burnout from masking because "you can make eye contact". Clearly she hasn't actually looked at the dsm5 because it's "abnormal eye contact or struggles with eye contact."
Yeah it took me years of freaking people out to nail the timing of eye contact. It's like a dance, and even a moment too long or short makes people react with so much rage. I still avoid it when I can.
I once broke down all of the body language I was taking in from my therapist (who kept denying it) everything from her hands to her feet to her gestures, expression, tone and her level of blush, to her reaction to the news I was delivering. All without expression on my end. Then I started to mask again, while describing all the things I was going to do with my body and hands and feet and eyes and expression and tone and words.
She was taken aback. Still don't quite know how she dealt with it later because she seemed quite shocked. But my mask is dozens of nuanced movements and observations used to mimic the person I'm talking to in order to keep myself safe.
It's taken decades to get as good as I am, and I hate it.
I've definitely heard comments along the lines of "I wouldn't have known you're autistic!" when I've mentioned my diagnosis in the past. When I was younger, i took this to mean I was being "normal" or masking successfully and that that was a good thing. That probably wasn't what was meant to be communicated, but because my younger self interpreted these comments that way, I made "being normal"/masking a point of pride. Consequently, when I would fail to mask successfully, I'd often beat myself up over it.
In hindsight, recognizing that my masking - or "being "normal" takes a toll has taught me to intentionally unmask more often. Moreover, understanding that I personally tend to mask the most when I'm uncomfortable, stressed or tired has helped me to give myself empathy. After all, if when I tend to mask the most is when I'm feeling overwhelmed and less mentally present, I'm also less likely in those situations to mask/socialize perfectly.
Nowadays, if someone says "you don't seem autistic!" or something to that effect, I'm not offended by it per se; most of the time, the person means it as a compliment. However, I'll usually use their comment as a jumping off point to talk to them more about autism generally or my autism specifically so they can be a little bit more informed on the topic. Even if they know or remember just a little bit more about autism by the end of that conversation, I'll consider it a win.
I started wearing earplugs at home and it’s been the BEST thing to allow me to focus on sensitive days or when there’s noise outside or when I sleep at night - I can actually sleep now!!
Such a game changer. Wish I new this years ago as it would have helped my stress/overwhelm levels so much!
Loved #7...so true. Thank you for the analogy with the colour blindness. 👏🏼
I absolutely love all your videos! This one is also right on! Sad that I’m probably not the only one who’s heard these things coming from an actual doctor! (Not a psychologist… a general doctor)
I spent years in the mental health system -- misdiagnosed and being treated erroneously in ways that were more harmful than helpful -- as a result I hate being told that I must be depressed or I make mountains out of molehills as well that I need to "LET IT GO!" While I am still officially undiagnosed as being autistic, learning about autism has explained nearly every challenge I have faced since the day I was born ... (I am now nearly 70)! Your videos are explanatory and very helpful and I am grateful -- Thank you❣
So true, especially number 4 and 7, feels like being judged and they only want to hear what they want to hear, not to understand
I absolutely agree! Call me lazy and I WILL throw hands! You don’t know how much I’m telling myself that in my brain but can’t move sometimes out of overwhelm or it’s too cold or something. You think I like having to take so many breaks and procrastinate? I want to be working too, but I sometimes just can’t or I need some additional help. Like a heating blanket and noise canceling headphones playing the lowfi jams! And maybe people not looking at me or bothering me in any way. 😅
goodness gracious... I have heard almost all of these at my workplace..... ugh. It drives me nuts.
I love how you made the video, especially with timestamps, it's not boring at all and it's easy to watch! subbed :)
Recently diagnosed and someone said I can't be because I'm "too smart" like, wtf? 😳🤦♀
Late diagnosed trauDHD here, probably high masking, but mostly discovering myself in the spectrum. I'm learning a lot here and even didn't realize I was saying some of your examples. Thank you for sharing this!
My son is autistic and I watch your videos to learn. I love them!!!!! You are hilarious!!!! Thank you!!!
"You could be outgoing and social if you just tried a bit harder."
Told during my annual performance review at work after a year during which I tried so much harder than ever before to be outgoing and social that I was already bordering on autistic burnout.
This video is super helpful and affirming. I told 5 people that I'm very close to about my diagnosis. 1 reacted beautifully (the 1 I thought would be the worst). The rest were varying degrees of dismissal. I don't think any of it was malicious, but talk about shutting a person down. I was so nervous to tell my closest people and most of them responded with 'I don't see it' (duh cause I mask like it's a full-time career choice) or the real banger 'every one is a little autistic'. Oh I also had this doozey 'it feels like you're looking for something to be wrong with you'. That hurt, Im not ashamed of who I am and my sensitivities, I don't want attention ffs, I just want some simple accomodation to help me not freak out
I will say, the thing that bugs me the most is that a flamed out of my 'very big deal job' spectacularly after having a meltdown and even with that evidence people 'don't see it' 🤦
I LOVE your role playing introduction to each comment of the list.
Thumbs up at the very first one. I've had "Everyone is a little disabled, " too.
My family, students and teachers all made so much fun of what they called my tics I stopped doing them. Well, I still sneak them a little when I'm sure I'm alone. But Shhh. This is the first time I've acknowledged them. I had to learn to sooth with acceptable things, for me that became music and I actually am a circus clown at it. But it's acceptable - sought after even. Lucky lucky lucky.
I've heard #7 from my Dad and my doctor who won't have me tested because I make eye contact.
I haven't told many people yet so thankfully haven't had any comments like this yet but I am sure I will. It's just an oppurtunity to help people learn I guess, if they are willing. Saying that some people won't want to learn and will think they are right no matter how you try to teach them about autism. By the way , love the place you are in your video today, looks lovely. It looks like the UK. Thanks for sharing this video, they really help.
HAHAHAHA OMFG I just burst out laughing aloud at your clipping/editing/creativity at 3:25 with "what's your special talent?"
... "punching douchebags in the face"
lmfao, BRILLIANT hahaha
#7 was recently said to me. Basically, that having the label of autism was wrong! Upset me, greatly!
I like that a person having a color blindness “label” gives others an idea of another perspective in that person. “Autism” gives people another perspective about me.
Thank you Chris! I get these all the time. I was diagnosed when I was 52.
Hey hey,
Late Dx here aswell (@40, 41 atm)
One of the worst things people so far said to me: "But you're so smart, you cant be authistic...." WTF, you're right, I dont have an intellectual disability,, far from it, but thats part of the reason Im diagnosed this late, I spend a lot of my capacity on masking for people like that, all the while attaining my chemistry and pharmaceutaical degrees,
Its infuriating..
Keep up the good work!
Very well articulated. May Abba [God] bless you, your family, and your ministry.
My counsellor to me: "you're definitely not autistic, my autistic clients give off a different vibe. I can just tell. So we can discount that right now"
“You’re quite senior for someone like you”, uttered by an NHS manager.
Jfc, as though it's not their fault we don't often make it to 40.
"I'm autistic not Mozart!" 😂 I should really say that to someone that would be funny! 😂
"I don't have problems... you have problems!" Had to hear this a couple of times.
Great video, apart from being told not to stim, I’ve had everyone of these said to me, they are so annoying and show just how stupid some people are. It’s very wearing to have to constantly explain to people, my secret weapon is that Autism is one of my favourite subjects to talk about, so if you say one of these kinds of comments to me, you will get a very long explanation and long lecture on what Autism really is! That tends to such people up! Thank you for this video.
You always get a smile from me. I thank you so much!!
You are very welcome 😛😛
#1 my ex autism social worker. He also was offended that I called him neurotypical. Cause he connects so well with his clients and felt left out. LOL!!! He began wearing noice cancelling headphones and told me that really helps. I was like "Maybe you ARE autistic, too!" And adked why so I explained all the traits I see in him. He laught like naaaah like offended.
The stimming one is Hella relatable, when I try to sleep i put my hand in thr air, just straight up and look at the ceiling, I share a room with my older brother and he always calls me out on it
Indeed...I'm self-diagnosed and just when everything was starting to "click" through research and channels such as this I was expressing my revelation to someone who pulled that EXACT BS of #1-We'er ALL a little Au....NO WE are NOT! and THAT is OFFENSIVE! I cut this person off. It's through interactions like these I am now very careful about who I share this information with. Stepsister pulled the "Don't label yourself, my life hasn't been easy either yuh KNOW!" Coming from a mother of three with a great career and a LOT to show for it. Done explaining myself.
I ended up cutting off my ex because I told her that I suspected I am autistic (and this was not just something I 'decided' one day to be 'unique' either.) And she went on a rant about how I shouldn't 'say such things' about myself, and that she would never date an autistic man because 'they're scary' because her brother is... very very dependent autistic, and tends to get violent out of nowhere.
She also said men couldn't get r×ped, so she was uhh... very red-flaggy.
Great video thanks! Here’s hoping you don’t have to hear those silly, ignorant/insensitive remarks too often in the future.
I LOVE this video! Thanks for making it!❤
"you need to be the one to correct your tone" . . That one has burned me so many times because dude, I can't hear myself at all. How can I correct my tone or volume without a gentle "oh hey, you are getting loud, just tone it down a smidge" which I admire that
I was diagnosed this year at 24. I’m extremely high masking and don’t know how not to be. Although my sensory and social issues do show occasionally. I’ve been told by my family I don’t “look autistic”
I hate when people say "everyone is a little autistic", it's straight up disrespectful to autistic people, I'm not autistic myself but I know many people who are.
I had to listen over and over several times because I kept focussing on that pink thingy you are holding, wondering how it feels like, eg. is it hard? Is it squishy? Is it soft? Is it satisfying to squeeze? Is it icky? 😂 Not a criticism at all; it’s a « me » thing I wanted to share. Hahah! I love the videos!! 🫶💖
When I was debriefing with my AuDHD stepdaughter after she had a meltdown what happened. Said to her “I know that was hard for you ….” Her response was “how do you know? You’re not Autistic.” I then thought - wow. Teachable moment. I was trying to be supportive and I wasn’t. I really learned that day to be careful on how I phrase things sometimes.
I’m completely blind, autistic and have CPTSD. I’ve been told a lot of these things, mainly about my blindness though. Not so much the autism and CPTSD. The only thing I remember hearing with those things is, “stop crying. Stop getting mad. You’re embarrassing. Just get over it.” Now, with the blindness, I’ve been told, “you don’t look blind. You’re not blind, you’re typing. How are you typing if you’re blind? Stop touching everything, sighted people don’t do that. It’s not normal for you to be touching everything. Watch where you’re going. You’re just using blindness as an excuse to not pay attention to your surroundings. Don’t get mad and kick or hit whatever you ran into, it’s not the object’s fault you ran into it.” The list goes on.
I suspected for several years that I was on the spectrum before I pursued a diagnosis, in my 50s, at the urging of my mother. She wanted reassurance that my “issues" were not due to her bad parenting.
Even afterward, she still didn’t get it. She couldn’t understand how I could have a s*x life (I went from a four-year marriage to my current relationship of 30+ years with a wonderful, patient NT man I don’t live with) when “autistic people hate being touched.”
She accused me of “holding onto the past” simply because I REMEMBERED the hurtful things said to me by her, my dad, siblings, teachers and peers for the first 25 years of my life. As if getting a diagnosis erases your memory. I’m not dwelling on them, harping on them or carrying resentment for them. I just remember them.
Count me as one of those who wishes they hadn’t done away with the term Asperger’s. I still call myself Aspie, and so do many of my friends on the spectrum. When people hear “autistic,” they think Rain Man. When they hear “Asperger’s,” they think Sheldon. Yes, I know we’re not all Sheldon, but I think you know what I mean. Besides, I’d rather have a “syndrome” than a “disorder.”
I got the "You're not autistic, there's autistic people in my family and blablabla" and "I also have that, struggle with this" (from a probably neurotypical friend). There's nothing much you can say really, what can you say? Apart from waiting for the diagnosis and brandish it out, or educating people. I'll admit I was guilty of saying to a friend she's not autistic, before I knew much about autism, but we straightened the records since. :)
although only a week old diagnosed.... THE one that has always bugged me.. was "you have to take a step back and think before you speak....use your filters.." and I finally found the analogy for this during my Diagnostic assessment...." If my filter is the Door guy/bouncer at a night club or bar... and its quiet... yep I can perfectly control the drunk.. the aggressive, the underage .. from entering.. HOWEVER when the angry mob of 600 storm the door .. the fastest and loudest gets to the bar first ....leaving the doorman trampled underfoot" those 600 things that I THINK to say almost instantly and simultaneously mob my speech filter..
Now I know why...
"It sounds like you're just using it as an excuse..." - From my former close ND friend, because he couldn't understand why I was pulling back from things in the middle of a burnout...
My dad uses that everytime im not reacting "normal/good" in his eyes
OMG I love this video, it is so validating, I feel I've heard all of them and most of those were meant as a compliment but made me paranoic and I just fell more into the impostor syndrome.
The one that I can't be autistic because I graduated from university I heard from a PSYCHOLOGIST and the one that I can't be autistic because have a boyfriend I heard from PSYCHIATRIST. They didn't have any more arguments, just this was enough for them..
2:35 I want that ball
Oh no. 1:11 and I am already mad xD
I tapped the timestamp and got an ad for Chick-fil-A lol. Perfect timing. But yes i absolutely agree. Watching this made me want to punch my device and they weren’t even talking to me.
The one about “everyone is a little autistic” was actually said in a video by a neuropsychologist who were discussing if Bill Gates was autistic. He said everyone fits on the spectrum, because everyone has one or two signs/symptoms of autism.