I’m a mom of two ASD teens and just recently realized that my husband is not a narcissist. He is ASD. Your videos also helped him understand and for the first time in 22 years, I feel hope.
Kacy …exactly the same here! I was convinced spouse had NPD but wasn’t 100% sure - ASD explains all his behavior and it runs in his family and now ours. It can be a gift to them and a curse.
@kacylatham is it bittersweet bc you practically "know" the romance difficulties your teens will encounter? (And in your case... know it all too well.) Or do you think you'll be in a good position to help them with good advice?
being ASD myself, I have to admit most of my people, incl my nearest - they all perceived me to be an narcissists at least once. its very frustrating and hurts, after I myself try to stay 100% sincere in my thinking and my behaviour... @Kacy: I wouldn't imagine how some ASD would get something out of mind games... we're not working like that
My situation also. Also found out that 2 years into our 30 yr marriage, my then hub decided that my homesickness after moving was a really a major psychological problem but he didn't tell anyone. After 2 kids he decided they had to be separated from me. So he worked for years to undermine me. A savvy counsellor finally figured it out but too late. He wanted her to fix me! Family kicked me out literally. Kept up with youngest NT for 2 years then she cut me off too. Parental alienation is very painful. Still better than living with him. We had many common interests. I miss the husband I thought I married- and my kids.
19 years married and wondered shortly into the first year what the hell is this. I never quite understood what was wrong in terms of a diagnosis until somebody asked me about 4 years ago if my spouse has Aspergers. I began reading books, papers, videos and today listened to Mark Hutten's video. My god, this is my husband despite not having a formal ASD level 1 diagnosis. This podcast is about us!
How does the NT wife gently get her Asperger husband to acknowledge his autism? If he won’t, then I have virtually no choice. It’s not the life I signed up for. And I can do nothing to get him to empathize with me. How can he stand to live with an argumentative harpy; who is wrong all the time, about everything? This is his image of me. It’s completely wrong, but he thinks it’s correct. I would have left me 20 years ago! I mean, I have the audacity to spend money on things not grocery related! That’s always wrong. 100% of the time. That’s beyond beating my head against a wall!
I have never felt so validated in my feelings. He made me feel I was just crazy and I felt like he never understood me. I wish he would have been willing to work on things. He never even admitted he was ASD, his mom told me.
At least his mom told you. They both never told me anything. It all came together when our first son was diagnosed with ASD & ADHD. And they are so similar.
I was suicidal. I told my dad, who I think is ASD, and he said don’t be silly and put the phone down. I’ve not called him for two years now and I’ve been trying to figure him out all this time. I’ve got a long list of strange interactions. My brother says he is a good person that doesn’t care about other peoples feelings. I’m not sure if he’s narcissistic or ASD. He’s 76, the chance of finding out is quickly vanishing.
Thank you for your clear and calm delivery🙏🏼. Being a highly sensitive neurotypical spouse of a ASD person married over 30 years I learned to live without connection or conversation except for the few topics of his hyper focus. Time to make real female friends!!
When you say “highly sensitive”, if you mean you’re an HSP, also known as having “sensory processing sensitivity”, that’s actually another form of neurodivergence.
This validates my feelings! The similarities are exactly the same as mine! He’s not always right! I new it! He often made me seriously doubt my sanity. In fact, I felt exactly like the Ingrid Bergman character, in Gaslight! It’s uncanny! We thought we were lonely freaks, who were always wrong! The truth is we aren’t! You all help me in too many ways to count! I am crying with relief! Bless everyone here! Know that you are a fascinating, worthy person, and you are not alone.
My husband thinks love is coming home everyday. He said if he didn’t love me, he wouldn’t come home. Yet he comes home and ignores us. But if he’s unhappy or he’s worried about something he wants to hug and kiss and make love. Otherwise he won’t even hug me. I can cry in front of him and he won’t touch me . Why can’t he be affectionate when he’s happy?
Every AS person is different. my husband is the reverse. When he's stressed or feels (mistakenly) that he's not making me perfectly happy, he avoids me. When he's happy and not stressed, then I get his good side. Most of the time he's apathetic, and trying not to be, and failing. I've learned alot from journaling and coming up with ideas that I try. I've noticed that he responds well to me constantly reminding him that I'm not mad at him, just trying to find out what he needs, and he can help me with that. When he gets upset in 2 minutes AGAIN, and says I have an "attitude" I ask him what my attitude is, he may say I don'tknow, and I say again, I'm not mad at you, I'm just trying to find out what you need, and you can help me. If he says something hurtful like I need you to stop being such a martyr or victim or whatever, I NO LONGER RESPOND TO THAT. I keep repeating that I'm not mad etc and I stay calm. The absolute worst thing about being in this NT/ AS marriage is that he can't remember anything good that I did. ANd even "remembers" things that weren't said or done by me. If worse comes to worse, sometimes I tell him that he doesn't know me because of this. He doesn't know who I am. THen I give him an hour or a day to regroup, he forgets evereything, including what the whole thing was about, and seems to go back to thinking I'm a good person. I think.
I can, and have, cried in front of my mate, and he doesn’t even see me! I’m not simply ignored; I have the unique ability to cease existing! I thought I was pretty dang special, until every one of my friends insisted that they could see me. And I wasn’t a vision, because Kelly actually pinched me! I admit, having my existence validated by a group of people, runs circles around invisibility any day!
I am exhausted. It feels abusive and punishing. My entire environment is constantly hostile. I am ending my 16 year marriage bc we do not have the ability to overcome…
Do not let him reel you back in. We separated at 15 yrs, he catfished me back in. I regret it. He masked for a while. Now at 25 yrs it only gotten exponentially worse.
@@TBC122901 I’ve come and gone so many times bc I love him so much. But even when I do everything the way he needs me to, and I willingly do it bc I love him so, he remains cruel and calls it humor. He has major women issues (partly due to the way his mother treated his ASD father and I totally get it), but I am the complete opposite of his Mom. Any wish, want or desire on my part is viewed as a “demand” ‘just like his mom treated his father.’ I think he hates me. No physical or emotional “anything.” He has his own bag of sex toys at his own place and has completely rejected me on every level. I’ve learned to ask for nothing. I am so lonely. He left for work after a weekend visit this past Monday (a job he took in another state where he got his own apt and just left us all), and never even said goodbye to us. We were all up getting ready for school and I think he is loading his car and will come in to say goodbye to us. Nope. Just drove away. It’s Wednesday evening and none of us have heard from him. He shows up every few weekends and acts like he’s coming home from war and deserves a heroes welcome when my children (and I) feel abandoned by him. If we don’t lockstep and watch gory snuff movies (only thing he watch and he gets to lick every show), then he becomes upset bc “he specifically took time off to come home and spend time w us.” :-/ He’ll call whatever we watch “stupid.” I can’t take much more. I pray for death; I pray for the bravery to pull the trigger. I want to die. My only “demands”: 1. Please love me. 2. Please don’t make constant remarks about how emotionally unstable and unreasonable women are in front of our son, w/o hyper fixating on toxic female traits in front of him. I do not act this way and I’m terrified my son, whom I suspect to also be high functioning, to loathe women. I want someone to marry and love my child and not have him treat his wife the way he’s seen his dad treat me. He is beginning to treat me the same way as his Dad does when his dad is home. My son is already terrified women want nothing more than money and control. Every TV show or movie he catches on TV, it’s constant feedback on how stupid females are how they’d “never be able to do those things in real life.” I tried so hard. Those 2 requests are just too much. Even though I’ve long ago set aside what I’d hoped a marriage would look like for me to be to accommodate his issues, there’s never any progress. I feel so unlovable. I’m not a victim, but I do feel stuck in my own mental prison. My own mother rejected me so I understand why I chose this dynamic (emotionally unavailable spouse). My self esteem is destroyed and I don’t wouldn’t even know what to do or how to end the marriage. He has control of all the money in his acct where I have no access. I feel trapped. I love him and respect the fact he has issues and wanted work around them, but not at the expense of poisoning my children and my own mental health. I am a shell of who i used to be. I don’t even know who I am anymore, tbh. I used to be a professional w a prestigious job w the DEA. Top Secret Clearance, am a war vet. Was a bad ass at one point. Now I can barely get out of bed and see anything objectively anymore. I carry it all - every last duty and he makes fun of me in front of the kids bc I sometimes watch cooking shows to relax and detach. He calls me “mindless” for watching “mindless tv.” I’ve given up everything and hoped it would be enough. I’m not a martyr, was so fully okay w readjusting and making due. But the constant insults about my femininity destroy me bc it’s something I can’t change. I’ve fought the urge not to blow my brains out for the last 3 days. Death would be easier at this point and I’ve not counted it out at this point. Sorry to verbal vomit. I have nobody. Thank you for caring enough to respond to me. This is all over the map bc I am in a state of shock. But your comment - thank you. Something so small means so much to me these days. So proud of you for finding the strength to get out.
He hugged me and said " I love you but I'm not sure what that means" together 9 yrs.. I Moved out in May to give him space and for us to find peace. I love him but can't live with him. We see each other but I have to go home, we talk on phone. I have to keep it distant.
We live separately too but it only makes it easier in some ways. In other ways it’s worse like housing instability from being in a shorter term shelter than he is at, plus never having intimacy.
I told my husband I just want to be loved and feel loved. He went on a big speech of how you have to earn love like you have to earn respect, which he doesn’t notice anything I do. So another words in order to get love I have to run around in circles trying to prove myself, impossible! I have to leave the abuse. I deserve love
True my marriage is exactly how you put it...n I've been married 6months.. he told me he was austic and didn't think it was a problem u till now ,I thot would change over time....but I'm sick and tired of adapting and getting know where.....I just want to operate his brain and rewire everything if not I'm outt here ,,,adios m.f --***
OMG, this just saved my marriage. I love my husband immensely and I feel so broken but I’m willing to keep trying because I know he loves me as much or more than I love him. Our relationship is very much worth the effort but it will take both of us together to make it happen.
Yes, it is worth it. My husband and I have been married 30 years, just found out 2 years ago about the autism 2 years ago. I was at my wits ends and my husband didn't know what was wrong with him...Now we know and understand, that's a blessing in itself...So after 30 years, I'm getting to know my husband all over again, for the first time. So, yes, marriage is worth it. Hang in there.
I think what you describe is exactly what I've gone through. I thought he was a dismissive avoidant, and I did suspect some form of autism (he was very bright, but emotionally stunted). But now I think autism might have been at the forefront of everything we went through. So difficult, so much pain and confusion.
I’m totally willing to leave my husband to his quiet, but when through hiss anxiety, he is under all the NT’s feet all damn day and trying to control us, that’s a problem. He’s always trying to make people do what he wants and how he wants to make HIM feel better. The rest of us feel controlled all the time.
@@jowen7866 I have withdrawn from him more, but when I’m with my kids, grandkids and co-workers, I’m a completely different person. He knows people like me because I’m friendly,and it’s what drew him to me, but I’m sad I can’t be that way around him.
If someone’s primary love language, the thing they can receive from another that most makes them feel most loved, is the absence of that other person …I don’t think we are talking about love anymore.
Its less about the absence of the person and more of the absence of potential issues that can come up. Its more of a "I may be quieter than normal but I enjoy you and want you around, up until the point you make me deal with something I would rather not. If thats your intention then please go away"
I will never forget my ex boyfriend telling me “not everyone is against you” “I’m not a mind reader”. I tend to assume malicious intent when I feel misunderstood. Also I would like to include that when you describe ND people believing social expectations as irrelevant- you are describing a low masking ND person. We highly masked individuals can become obsessed with keeping up with expectations. Its exhausting.
My experience w my AS husband , is that in defending himself, as you mention, he does lie. He MUST be right, so he exaggerates to prove his point and lies regularly. His brilliant sister with AS also does this- so that no one can compete with them. I love them both, but when dealing with lies, one starts to feel very discombobulated.
@kkhufnagle5735 I don't know which is more painful, the emotional deprivation or the lying, but I'm glad you brought this up. His chronic lying has been consistent for years, even lying about things there's no need to lie about! It's bizarre and has never made sense to me. He will lie about things with hard evidence sitting right in front of him.
@@HeartAliveTodayYou are on point 100%! I just ended my relationship for the final time 2 weeks ago. My ex would exaggerate & lie so much that it was almost funny. Even the look in his eyes gave it away. He was my first love as a teen & go forward 31 yrs & he’s brutal! He was loving, sweet & unique when we were kids. I was so in love with that boy but now I hate the man, I couldn’t stand it anymore & told him off. He did do much emotional damage, I now have to seek out a psychologist.
Yes He tries to twist the situation to be right. Oh you mis heard me I never said we'd actually do anything I said maybe and said I'd call you. Blatant lying and gaslighting. I know what you said. I believe he has pathological Demand Avoidance too. It's infuriating to sit around all night only to basically be stood up and told it was my own damn fault. I know its ASD but that is some Narcissistic behavior in there for sure.
Thank you all for talking about the lying!! I've heard him do it to others. It's bizarre there's no need for it. And he's totally in denial. I've only been in this relationship for 4 mths but been friends for years. I knew he was on the spectrum when I met him years ago. He puts on a great public face but what I have to endure is brutal! 😳 The gaslighting and projection is second to none. If I didn't love him the way I do I'd be done. He's a beautiful man and I try to leave but he just won't let me go. I feel guilty when I want to end it. If he was an asshole I could leave but it's so complex with these guys!! Everyone sharing is helping me from believing I'm crazy. This is crazy making stuff being with an Aspie. 😭
My husband wants freedom from the relationship, the marriage. He wants zero responsibility for me, my safety, my well being. He stopped answering his phone because it interrupted his hyper focus time. I had an emergency, he turned it around on me for being over the top angry when I finally came home & I had tried calling 17 times. “You KNEW I wouldn’t answer my phone, you aren’t allowed to be angry!” He said he’ll never empathize with me. He’ll never see my point of view and me expressing my frustration is me screaming “you’re broken!” at him. He won’t bathe but tells me I’m shallow if I don’t have physical intimacy with him. He refuses to get diagnosed. He’s a walking encyclopedia out in the world, but at home… I feel like I’m his silent caregiver. I had to leave, I couldn’t take it anymore. 23 years. Thank you for explaining this so well. I wish I had this information 5 years ago.
@@akferren1 I am so sorry. I know how you feel. Why did these men even pursue us? It seems like they never wanted to be married or they wanted a wife but never wanted to be a husband.
They don't have a clue how to be a husband! Mine said in his first marriage that his space was the garage and his wife's was the house, and he was responsible for taking care of the garage and she was responsible for taking care of the house.😅
I am exhausted and lonely, with having to be careful and pick my time for when he has least anxiety. Or come at it in a light hearted happy go lucky easy breezy way, just seems to back fire alot in explosions of anger and righteousness. I am tired of trying so hard. I want it to be easier.
My wife just discovered these videos today. She said they opened her eyes. Things I was trying to put to words for her for quite some time. Finding out I was ASD in 2018 saved our marriage but it wasn't easy for us to learn things together.
I believe my husband is ASD. I’m frightened to approach the subject as I’m almost 100% sure he’ll dismiss the subject just as I feel he’s done for me and my ADD. Although he does support me financially as is normal in a marriage and he is not judgemental.
@@oscarcat1231 I had suspected for well.over 10 years and had been seeking answers for longer than that. People need to be careful when self identifying people. Too many miss characterizations happen as people see what they want to see, vs what is actually happening. Furthermore the hypervigilance caused by trauma can cause a person to act in awkward ways, and not be autistic at all. Moral of the story is to be very black and white and honest in your observations and interpretations in your relationship and seek qualified expert advice moving forward.
I really can’t believe how much grief we are causing our NT partners, I’m only just beginning to realise the connection between being overprotected as a child and being late diagnosed with ASD at 51. My poor NT husband I don’t want to lose him but have been battling for 20yrs trying to understand what’s wrong with me and don’t know how to improve things for the both of us because he does not believe in asking for help like me I’m too scared too suggest counselling and don’t feel he really understands why it feels so impossible to me to give him what he needs. Any suggestions would be very much appreciated. Thank you Mark for sharing x
You are truly a lifesaver! After 15 yrs I finally get it. I know understand the what, why and how when it comes to living with and loving my husband. THANK YOU! I've researched a ton and tried therapy but nothing clicked and made total sense like your videos. So grateful for the work you do!
If things aren't working out, if the other person doesn't want to work on things, or if working just isn't working, there is no shame in just going your separate ways. It doesn't have to be someone's fault, a relationship doesn't have to last forever to be successful. Sometimes relationships run their course and end. Sometimes people grow apart. Sometimes people just aren't right for each other. ASD or not. Let's stop patholagizing the breakdown of a marriage.
I met Justin when I was 15 years old fast-forward 26 years later we’re still together and every video of yours is unlike all others. I’ve listened to when I try to find help for us because it has not been easy just last year our 14-year-old daughter Told me to look into autism and I did because she felt that she may be and I do believe that but most certainly with Justin it fits everything we have struggled through. I’m currently trying to get him to try and see that he could possibly be autistic and I think he’s starting to come around. He had had a diagnosis of ADHD about 15 years ago. It does run in his family doesn’t help that I am legally blind and have had to rely on him for these past 26 years but I know I love him more now than ever and still get excited every time he comes home from a 22 hour workday :-)thank you so much for these videos. I cannot express how important they are to me. Thank you.❤❤
THANKYOU SOOOOOOOOooooo MUCH MARK! NEW FRONTIER IN HEART & SANITY SAVER! THE WORD ' MARRIAGE' IS AN IMPOSSIBILTY HERE: IT HAS TO BE A NEW WORD FOR THIS TYPE OF NON RELATIONSHIP RELATIONSHIP. NO OFFENSE< JUST ENERGETICALLY TRUE. XXSS
Points to consider: • Acceptance doesn't mean you won't have conflict with your ASD spouse, but it will be easier to work through the conflict - because it will lack the negative judgment about who he is. • Learn how ASD minds work differently than yours, and accept these individuals for who they are. • Neurodiverse marriages are riddled with criticism, defensiveness, stonewalling, and contempt. • One European study estimated that 80% of Neurodivergent Marriages end in divorce (nearly double the divorce rate for neurotypical spouses). • The spouse in a neurodiverse marriage can often experience mental health issues (e.g., anxiety, depression) as a result of being in a relationship with someone who is "wired" very differently (i.e., the NT is highly emotional, while the ASD spouse is highly logical).
The NT spouse does learn and accept how the ASD person thinks, but they don’t do likewise. They show plenty of emotional reciprocity when dating, so they are capable of it. When it wanes, rather than being willing to return to those behaviors, we are supposed to just be fine without the very things that made us fall in love in the first place. Love needs nourishment. ASD brains are capable of it, obviously. They just exempt themselves from doing it, and blame the NT wife for “inappropriate” needs labeled demands… But like oxygen, food, water, and sex…they’re real needs. Decades of lack of nourishment to love makes love wither and die. Then, we’re told, don’t take it personally. Like if you don’t get air or water or food, don’t take it personally. Love is personal, for god’s sake. We have to do ALL THE CHANGING, ACCEPTING, DOING WITHOUT, AND ADAPTING. Brains are malleable…oh, that’s right…except for ASD ones.
@@ggrace1133 I am sorry that you are going through that. I would agree with your general comments re: needs not being met, and I'm sorry your spouse didn't work with you on that. Logically, an ASD should be able to see that both parties should work on the relationship in order for it to be successful. Another factor though that I've been seeing affect relationships is the Attachment Style theory, and the 3 non-secure attachments (descriptions vary on the internet, I'm just using one subset): Anxious-Avoidant, Anxious, Dismissive-Avoidant. Some of the ASD/non-ASD dynamics that Mark has described are very similar to an Anxious to Dismissive relationship dynamic.
@@ggrace1133 I’m crying reading your comment because I’m living this right now. I feel like I have had to carry the entire marriage. 20 plus years. When we were dating he was totally different once we married he didn’t even try anymore and he expects me to just deal with it. It’s so lonely.
I've been diagnosed for about 6 years with inattentive ADHD. But I see nearly all of the traits (and the harms to my wife) you describe in this video in me. And while it does "take two to tango," these qualities ended my first marriage, and I think may soon end my current (2nd) marriage to the most remarkable woman I've ever met. I do want to change these things, and to work constructively on me and our relationship. But i fear too little, too late. I'd like to find a therapist who has this understanding. I see the harm I do, but I seem to keep causing the same harm again and again. Really could use pointers to immediate and "radical" help.
Most women are pretty compassionate and forgiving and just hearing the words “I understand the harm I’ve caused you, I’m so sorry, I want to do better,” will give her so much hope and relief. So tell her!
One tip, if you’re one of your asd tendencies is to dive in to special interest topics/research, then mindfully choose to make her, her feelings, her needs, her experiences and interests your special interest for awhile. Study her and ask questions. All you will learn will contribute to an easier life. Then, use touch as much as possible to give her the feeling of love. Not just sex, more like very sweet hugs and kissing her forehead, etc. tell her what you said above, about wanting radical help and ask her for a time to tell her very bluntly exactly what she wants …write it down!! Practice giving it. Keep all the notes and set regular reminders for yourself, as if it were a task or work, to go and do those things. Eventually it will become easy, more habitual and your connection will grow.
I'm doing better, and so is she. We are not out of the woods, but we've found some serious childhood trauma I am dealing with. I'm in therapy, and I am doing what the "highlighted reply" to me said. This is parallel stuff. Must work on me, cannot work ONLY on me. The advice above is good advice. If you are reading this because you identify with my OP then consider the advice. Work on what you DO, but do not neglect how and why you did it. There will be reasons. And you can change. You can do and be better. But you will have to face some hard and scary things. It is worth it.
I feel totally insane from walking on eggshells but am exhausted from having my feelings hurt constantly. I have never seen a video that summed up my 17 year long marriage better.
I suspect my father has ASD but I’ve found it hard to find this sort of perspective. I feel he’s abusive. I was really struggling in my life and he didn’t seem to care. I had to cut him off because the pain of dealing with him was more than I could handle. He blames me now too but he’s just impossible to connect with. It’s deeply upsetting. He never once says what a normal person would say, something kind and understanding. He’s been described my whole life as being black and white but no one has suggested he go see someone. I’m not sure what to do next. He also has a narcissistic partner who has alienated everyone else in his life. It’s awful. Thanks for keeping it real.
Agreed! I turned into such a chameleon, I came to a point where I thought " wow, I can't keep spending all this energy adapting adapting adapting (plus parenting a neurodiverse kid) and loosing my sense of self! In the end, despite a lot of counselling, I chose to leave the marriage. As hard as divorce was, it was the best choice I could make
@@ShazmaThabusomMark is not ASD he's an NT. He's said it many times on here before. I think if he was ASD he would not be able to speak the way he does.
@@MsSeachell67of course he could if he was ASD. It would just mean he has insight and has learned skills and how to communicate. ASD people can acquire these skills, it’s just that they don’t come naturally to them.
I regularly lied to and even gaslighted by my ASD partner. I know he doesn't do it to hurt me and it does hurt a lot. I am so curious why most people say that ASD do not lie.
They definitely lie. Almost like a reflex. They lie to save themselves. However, When it comes to others they tell the truth like “that shirt is ugly”. Atleast thats what I observe to be true.
Learn to sit with your partner while they fix the sink or whatever they are doing. Time is currency but use it wisely. Don't just chase your passion. NT's need together time and you will learn why and it is rewarding for both. From an Aspie.
Mark your videos are answers to questions and frustrations to a marriage of 5 years. We're a young couple, I was aware of my husband's ASD but, naively underestimated how it would affect our lives and what my picture of a perfect marriage would look like. I'm okay that it won't happen how I thought it would, but I am so grateful for this information. I'm understanding why my husband is how he is. It changes everything. Thank you so much!
How come ASDs don't want sex? How do you keep from feeling like you want to put a gun to your head and you can't leave because divorce would be more excruciating than marriage? How do your kids grow to expect healthy relationships?
That’s just an individual’s personal sexual needs. It is not a trait of autism. Though I understand about trying to create a healthy environment for your children to grow up in. Providing a safe environment is one of a parent’s most important priorities!
@@willj1598 That’s just being realistic, people choose to stay in these situations just to constantly complain. Reading about your situation just proves my point. You have wasted close to four decades in a relationship that will never meet your needs. And for what? It’s truly mind boggling the way some humans can rationalize simple situations and make them much more difficult than they have to be when the solution is simple and as clear as day.
@@willj1598 It doesn’t matter if you wouldn’t call it a waste because it’s clear that you don’t have very good judgment. Any sane person would see the situation for what it is and call it what it is, which is a wasted life. I would much rather waste 40 than 40 years and a day. I would never just lie down and accept being miserable. Life is way too short.
This is really wonderful! I'm autistic and my boyfriend has OCD (but seems autistic to me as well). The anxiety/criticism link really helped us sort through our communication . Thank you for the great information!
This video is absolutely amazing and has helped me more than you could ever know to trying to understand neurodiverse relationships. I absolutely love and relish watching your videos they are massively educational and life changing. Thank you
It’s so destructive for me living in this negativity. I can’t do it anymore. He sees himself ASS but he doesn’t ever want a solution. He just wants to talk about poor him. How no one understands him. The whole world is against him. He’s in such a hole I can’t pull him out anymore. I’m done.
I have been married to a man for 11 years… found out once my son was diagnosed with ASD, I discovered the reason for all the turmoil I’ve had in my marriage. I fit every single symptom of the Cassandra syndrome. 4 kids later…. Where do I go? What do I do? Is this it for me?
This is exactly how I feel. Is this it for me? Except my husband is not interested in a diagnosis (nor does he believe he’s Level 1 Autistic). We have 13, nearly 14 children together (we’ve been married 25 years). Most of our children are neurodiverse (all undiagnosed). I’m the only one diagnosed (ADD at age 7 back in the mid eighties). So even if I showed my husband these videos, he would tell me how it’s not him and I just don’t understand (incidentally a psychiatrist once reported to my childhood GP, “thank you for referring this most insightful child”). I have felt at times like I’m not married. He seems enmeshed with his mum and ASD sister (who has never said a kind word to me). Life is such a struggle and his family blame me for everything.
I've learned that I had to empower myself more. And have support from friends. Get out my comfort zone! Most importantly, more time in the word. Not sure if you are a Christian but I can't tell you enough that my faith and time in prayer and drawing near to God where I learned how to respond to my husband. Discipline, Humility and learning so much by getting out my comfort zone.
I am 57, and have begun to grieve instead of be angry. My anger was because I’m hurt over and over again by the tone of voice, interrupting me, over talking me, “correcting” me, huffing when I ask for a need to be met, requiring justification that makes sense to him when I want something like a gym membership or regular hair appointments, replacing old things in the house, not taking care of things we own, always scratching denting or ruining them some how. I used to feel pretty, sexual, smart, witty, capable, and within a year of being married, those things began to quickly be challenged as I interpreted his reactions or lack there of to me as something wrong with me. I was committed to traditional roles and ended up doing everything to take care of every aspect our lives with the exception of finances. We started out “working together” but it became impossible to work with him. He would leave out large pieces of information at the table when we made plans and budgets, then say oh I forgot this… or you don’t understand how being paid every two weeks vs on the 15th and 30th works. I would grocery shop with a legal pad and write down prices and take a box of cereal in and out of my cart several times, or butter, etc. until one day I decided we aren’t going to plummet into the financial abyss over cereal. My stress level and anxiety were so high!!!! All I wanted was to be a pleasing wife and life partner and I was treated at every turn like I was an enemy, a threat. I have a masters degree. I think I do understand most things except for him. So now I grieve. Anger is useless. Hurt is pointless. I have fallen right in front of him and he keeps walking, I have been crying red faced on the sofa and he doesn’t notice. 26 years of marriage I decided he likes being an island and I will stop paddling out to greet him there. I retreated and there has been not one response from him, not question of why. All that energy and he doesn’t even notice I’ve left. There is no feeling precious to a person with ASD. And being married to one means I’ll never experience being precious to anyone. I am starting a new path of being whole, not relying on him for anything. I am looking for a job that a 30 year full time mother has skills for, which is hard. The world doesn’t think I’m useful either. But I will find work and I will make decisions that respect that I’m married, however will not require his understanding. I make thoughtful strategic decisions and if he doesn’t think so that is his stress to deal with. I have come to this place after 35 years. I am finished wanting something from him he cannot see understand fathom or feel. I will take care of him and will be a nice roommate, but I will never allow a developmental delay or disorder ever determine my worth or strengths ever again. I know what he’s got in a wife and partner, even though he doesn’t. Wish me well in finding a job that is purposeful, and peace with living this next chapter connecting in life with my dear friends and the new ones that are to come. I will be free and he won’t even know the difference. And I think that’s a win for us both.
I'm 34, been married 14 years, and have FIVE children with him. Swore he was a narcissist, but considering all 5 of our children are on the spectrum, I now realize he is ASD. I am now taking medication to cope and push down my feelings, but I feel them breaking thru the current dosage. I don't want to be a medicated zombie just to deal with my life. Send help..
OMG, I'm literally in tears listening to this. I wish I would've learned this 15 years ago 😯 thankfully, I've realized this is my husband, and I'm doing all this research now. One thing I haven't seen anything about yet is pettiness, have any info on that, or is that just my husband?
When does it become that he needs to also do the work to understand how his brain works? It's been years and I feel like I'm the one stuck doing all the work and it's began to create resentments and I don't want that but I'm not sure what to do at this point
Not registering his constant, never ending, insistence that you are wrong; is nothing but a hamster wheel. I simply refuse to 😢engage anymore. I treat his inevitable tantrum in the same way that I treated my 2 year old child’s; I ignore the child, and their tantrum. This is truly a fool proof method in good parenting. The problem comes in, when you realize that your child learned that bad behavior was wrong, because it never got him what he wanted. So, being neurotypical, he stops the unrewarding behavior, and I know that my parenting is working. Neurotypicals refer to this as an example of Good Parenting. And we NTs all agree on this. It never even occurs to us to debate this OBVIOUS fact. My grown ass, 50+ husband never changes his bad behavior. I continue to apply the same theory of just rewarding good behavior, while ignoring bad. He always fails to see his behavior as bad, AND fruitless! Instead, he mirrors the behavior back at me! My toddler never did that! How can he say, with a straight face. In his eyes, I am the defensive tantrum thrower! ARGUUUUUUUUHHHHHHHHHH! I successfully raised a toddler; 4 cats, and two dogs using the same logic, and it worked 100% of the time. This actually drives me close to begging for a nice, quiet padded cell. I know I’m right! I simply can no longer be his punching bag. It’s inadvertent, but it still hurts like he’s being purposefully venomous, vindictive and mean. And if that’s my constant reality, then it’s true. It’s also co-dependent, and it will eventually cause a blood vessel in my head to burst. And I will take good care of myself, with plenty of positive reinforcement. We seem doomed to act out the Ingrid Bergman-Charles Boyer roles indefinitely. I am correct, and I know that I am! It’s a solid fact; with receipt after receipt, yet his reasoning is the complete opposite of all of us living alone in a Sims marriage. He simply without flaw, 100% of the time! That’s not statistically possible!
I know this inner mental track is there but how can he see? Lol. This feels like the hang up/brick wall I KEEP running in to. I have let go of MANY in fact the majority of the “typical” relationship norms but some times I need some bread crumbs and when I do… none of what I have spent the last 15years sacrificing to keep the home kosher and not a battle zone at the cost of NOT talking about what I want to talk about and most of what needs to get talked about…. I am enemy number one… the one person who has been on the receiving end of the full weight of my responsibility AND his because he can’t deal with being a husband and a dad of 3 kids
For some reasons i watched tons of content on narcissism and the blindness to others perspective, the defensiveness, and apparent self centeredness would definitely look like narcissism from an outside perspective
I work for an ASD and it’s hard the lack of communication. I use to think he was a narcissist. Very short and hot tempered he yells a lot. If it wouldn’t be for my nice coworkers that say don’t take it personal. I would of quit!
I feel you.. We had a similar story in our family. My mom got seriously ill and didn't let my AS father go. She cooked for him and brought food to his house every weekend for 24 years, worked hard in his garden and was helping to renovate his house, with her own hands. He has never done anything similar for her. He kept hurting her troughout the years and didn't stop even when she was the most vulnerable due to her illness. He acted like a selfish robot, talking about stupid things, showing no empathy, not even trying to show some care.. He visited her 2x during 6 months she was fighting for her life. I did my best and I was there for her, nonstop. I wanted to show her she didn't need him. I'm sorry she didn't manage to get rid of him like 30y ago. He shows all the signs of autism plus is also an abusive alcoholic. We came through hell with him. What an irony, I'm dealing with an autistic boyfriend past few years. Long distance, short distance, bad communication, missuderstandings, me always adjusting myself, my needs not met so I compromised, now he has completely changed into a cold robot.. I know I cannot repeat the mistake mom made, I can't keep this going for too long, because it's bad for me. Breaking up really hurts, I love him, but... I understand to every woman, it is really painful to let them go, because we believed in that relationship once..and it feels they betrayed us at some point. But I think in a fact it is us betraying ourselves, our self love for long periods of time and not seing that, because we have some sort of a childhood trauma.
I have been watching your videos like crazy and the funny thing is that I was diagnosed with BPD and bipolar but I swear I seem to be more on the autistic spectrum rather than bpd ( maybe the bipolar as well ? ) Thanks , I appreciate channels like this because it really helps
So many women are misdiagnosed with BPD + or Bipolar when it's autism (although they can be comorbid). When I was finally diagnosed autistic quite a few diagnoses magically disappeared 😅
Seemely partners or spouses need something else to focus on to do in life. A special hobby , or something that can help another human being. I believe we as human expect too much from one another. We all have weakness or strength. Pray about it get someone else to do a expectation, join others for special occasions ❤
I never miss one of your teachings. I start my day with seeing if you post and listen. I have followed and listened and tried to follow what you tell us to do religiously for 2+ years. We have also done the couples counseling Skype with you. So here’s my question…when I follow your direction such as “have them repeat back what you said” I get , “ don’t talk to me like I’m a retard”. Hmmmmm he says he watches your videos and I suppose obviously he missed that one idk . Tough cookie tough man ….
My husband will take me out, wine and dine me, spend time with me, listen to me vent even (!) and when we come home he makes no advances on me at all… he is so passive behaving, I am constantly under the impression I am interacting with a 13 year old boy (emotionally speaking). So he doesnt make advances and neither do I, because I am not really feeling like being a mommy in this situation. So living in parallell realities 20+ years and counting. No I cannot leave. I hate people who say “you are not a tree, you can leave”. No, sometimes you are like a tree and you cannot leave. You got people depending on you. Thanks for listening to my venting…
I'm self-diagnosed ASD-1, I feel as though my love language is not "leave me alone and give me space" (or however it was phrased) - rather, my #1 love language is shared intellectual participation in a special interest, followed by physical touch. Yes, I have a very strong need for alone time, but I think that comes secondary to #1 and #2. That very well could be that we've been together for 12+ years now, and I get a considerable amount of alone time without objection already.
I disagree that the ND person “Always gets relief” from their anxiety/distress by taking part in their special interest. It may look as though we do, but unfortunately, there is NOTHING that completely relieves it.
Exactly it is just a distraction. Just a way to self soothe. And if you can’t even focus on your special interests anymore to self soothe, it’s a downward spiral.
This is how it feels being an Autistic women and speaking to Allistic people (I'm always wrong, my feelings are invalid), so its interesting hearing it as a generalisation for Autistic men's behaviour
It's how it feels for autistic guys to try to talk to allistic people too. They just need an easy target (autistic people) to blame for their own behavioral deficits.
Wow.. you are spot on and I'm halfway through, but 💯on that being my love language. I also have high empathy which I use to make sense of emotions on both side.. which usually causes me to cave.. I am sending this video to my parent and watching with my wife. I have such a hard time explaining things.. but once you mentioned what my love language really is.. that is all I complain about. I work so hard and try so hard.. and do things differently.. I just want it to be recognized. Also I have ehlers danlos, psoriatic, and Anklyosing Spondylitis.. so I'm in lots of pain and am distracted.. adhd doesn't help either. I make alot of mistakes and whoopses.. so many factors. But I can do so many amazing things. Carpentry, electrical, learning plumbing, I have 2 degrees.. my special interest... tropical shrimp breeding.. all I think about. Ok back to video. And thank you Mark for helping me see things.. it is helping immensely!!❤
Please remember: Most ppl with ASD1 do NOT have Pathological avoidance. My son with ASD1 is way too compassionate, and empathetic. He is a teen now & brilliant at math/science, however he is not wanting to go into those fields for he worries about not making enough of a direct difference.
It's also extremely hard to live with yourself having ASD, let alone the other 99% of society who constantly misunderstands you. What value do ASD people (lots of them are engineers) have in life? Perhaps they can focus on their special interests long enough to create the phones, computers you are watching this on, cars and most other modern inventions. Kind of ironic that so many people use the devices created in a large part by ASD people to criticise those same ASD people.
--- Group for ASD Men Struggling in Their Relationship with an NT Spouse: www.adultaspergerschat.com/2020/11/group-for-asd-men-struggling-in-their.html --- Online Group Therapy for Neurodiverse Couples Affected by Autism Spectrum Disorder: www.adultaspergerschat.com/2020/10/mark-hutten-m.html --- Group for Neurotypical Women Struggling in Their Relationship with an ASD Spouse: www.adultaspergerschat.com/2020/11/group-for-nt-women-struggling-in-their.html --- Living with ASD - eBook and Audio Instruction for Neurodiverse Couples: www.livingwithaspergerspartner.com/ --- One-on-One Skype Counseling for Struggling Individuals & Couples Affected by ASD: www.adultaspergerschat.com/2019/07/skype-counseling-for-struggling-couples.html --- Recovery from Cassandra Syndrome - Counseling for Neurotypical Spouses: www.cassandrasyndromerecovery.com/2021/08/recovery-from-emotional-deprivation-for.html
Emotional reciprocity IS vital in a committed relationship, isn't it😥? For me, an NT, it is why I looked for my last love. To share and grow these feelings. To discover that he, an ND, has such a low capacity to provide the actions and words that I need to thrive in love, is DEVISTATING. I worked w developmentally delayed adults for 17 years, providing care, support, etc. I feel like my relationship is an extension of that, and I am in a burnout situation. He can walk, talk, and act like a mature adult....he wanted a relationship and got one with me. And due to his asd, he has behaved like an unconscious bull in a china shop, with no thought of the consequences of his self-absorbed actions and what they have done to my heart. There is no way to have a natural, mutually nurturing love match unless I give up on what I wanted in love. It is the cruelest, most devastating thing to discover. I feel so tricked. If I only knew back then. I didn't know that I was going to be with an extension of my work with the developmentally delayed. This is too much for me to deal with.
@@melodiemartin438 I hear you. Where are you at in the learning timeline that you're in an ND relationship? It took me months to absorb what Mark was saying. It's all so true what he describes. I had to educate myself on all of this. At the start of this video Mark says that 80% of the time its due to the ASD man feeling anxious and or criticized. I think wives have to look at how does he treat you when he's not feeling anxious or criticized. Some men still won't connect ...but some will. Some men will learn from Mark how to connect. Some will want to learn and some won't. That's what I'm learning here. I agree with Mark, when someone feels criticized, you won't get much except their defensiveness or maybe a shut down or ASD meltdown. Which Mark has great videos on.
So I have been listening to this video and I guess the question I have is how does a NT/ND relationship ever improve unless the NT spouse just plain gives up on any of their own emotional needs from a relationship? And how is that fair to the NT spouse?
With all if that, i wonder how come they think they love someone? Why get in a relationship at all??. I can't imagine that they feel love if they don't feel anything else... they Full of bs with that love bla bla bla....i am getting angrier every Minute...gddmb😡
@@ADORABEL25 that could be the answer. He says he felt connected for a moment, hè said he noticed something like a jalouse feeling for a second.. Its only s moment hè feels something.
Thank you for this video. My ASD boyfriend of 3 years recently left me, and I couldn’t be more devastated. I have been crying for 5 months, and he was moved on within weeks. 😥 I have begged and pleaded. I have no hope that he will ever change his mind. I had to get a therapist just to be able to start functioning again.
Sorry to hear this Chelsea. I’m in a similar position to to you. My ex of just over 3yrs ended things with me 3.5mths ago. I can honestly say that I am finally starting to see that actually, my needs weren’t being met by him and it was a very one sided relationship I.e. me putting in all the work. I thought I was losing my mind for a good portion of the relationship, went to therapy etc. I now see that I am worth more and without serious input from therapy he will likely not be a good partner to anyone unless maybe they have ASD too. If one partner of the neurodiverse couple has ASD & one is NT, there has to be understanding and acceptance from both sides. You’re fighting a losing battle if he won’t even acknowledge it. You’ve actually escaped a likely lonely life. Your ex will just be repeating all the same patterns with this new person. I actually almost feel sorry for my ex’s new partner whenever he gets one because she will likely go through the same cycle as me. He might get farther as he’ll be able to mask better through certain situations but it’ll be a lonely life for her having to slot into his life, doing what he wants to do, very little compromise from him. Change your perception of the break up. His inability to acknowledge the ASD & I’m guessing unwillingness to work on things shows how you are different; rather than ‘I put so much effort into them & they didn’t do the same for me’, see it as ‘Their lack of effort shows me that we’re different. This is clearing the way for someone who is more aligned with me’. I’ve included some nuggets below that are helping me heal, maybe they’ll also help you heal: Nothing that is ever meant for you will pass you by. Rejection is redirection. You deserve someone who thinks you’re too important to lose. Your time is your greatest commodity in this life, it is a privilege to sit at your table. To spend time with people in this life is their greatest gift. If someone wants to let you go, let them; your time is precious, never forget your value. Focus on the people who want to be with you. The longer you entertain what’s not for you, the longer you postpone what is. Decide to never settle again for mixed messages, misaligned desires, dysfunctional behaviour, vagueness, coldness, indifference. I really hope you start to feel better soon. Be kind to yourself and have compassion for yourself. You did the best you could with the knowledge and awareness you had at the time.
"Not pointing out things he's doing wrong" - when typically it's HIS perception that she is criticizing, and she isn't. Because as You said @markhutton he Often thinks mere Comments or discussions are criticism! AND is geared up to assume conversations & questions are going to be criticizing 😢😮
Interesting how my generation says that ASD all of a sudden became a common thing. Nah, it was relatively common in the 1970’s and 1980’s also, it just wasn’t being diagnosed. I’m seeing so many comments of women saying they’ve been married 15+ years and finally have an explanation as to why their marriages seem to be failing.
I hate this. Better be a full-blown Narcissists, is more honest. I feel duped by my boyfriend. Im not a narcist,its Autism so don't be mad...bla bla bla... He is perfect for me but his mind blindness is poison.
Mind blindness is meant to keep him away from serious relationships...( I have mind blindness).😢 He is not perfect for you. The more that he is single, the more chance he will develop some insight into human relations, his feelings, his motivations, as well as those of his dog's. Feelings and motivations are non-verbally.... 😢 So, I suggest he get two compatible young dogs or puppies to live with him because dogs are extremely non-verbal but high in expression. If he learns this nonverbal communication from the dogs, then he can move on to becoming a volunteer at the local dog pound....this does wonders for learning to read animal faces, body language and vocalizations...then there is a chance for him, some hope that he can transfer this knowledge to humans 👍
@@ADORABEL25 thanks, you are right. Yesterday hè said a thing that helps me to detach. He said he was going to be egotistical and with that he cut of the phonecall. That he said he was going to be egotistic, made a coin drop in my mind. Could just be the thing I needed to understand.
She can also be logical. The problem is that she may be more logical because of higher intelligence. As autistic brain is affected what can seem perfectly logical to him, in reality not so
He gets terriblely upset when we have conflicting opinions. specially if I say no to his suggestion or offer, his anger can reach abnormal level to start threatning me. i am hurt.
@@sakuraninja9073i sometimes feel that way. last time he said he will spread rumor that i am a mental sick to abuse if i don't say yes. one day i think i will be litetally mental sick.
If they sound empty, cliche, or forced they're probably unnecessary. Make sure they seem like they're given at an appropriate time and not always for the same thing. Depending on past experiences, sometimes unprompted affirmations can be used for manipulation or have a transparently ulterior motive, so I would make sure they're not coming across like that. Especially don't follow them with some type of request!
@@dillchives yes these are the exact kind of affirmations he can't accept. He's getting into it with a therapist. Apparently it's linked to his own negative self talk and low self esteem. I guess that means I just try and be patient? He just started cognitive behavioral therapy. I'm hopeful it will give him more peace
@@kathleenherrmann436 I guess I would say to try to make sure they seem authentic and from the heart, and not as something you appear to feel obligated to do. Between my mother and ex wife, I knew that compliments and affirmations almost always came with strings attached later, so I was never able to trust they were sincere, and it was very difficult to never be able to truly believe the nice things the people close to you were saying. Sincerity from others is something autistic people are definitely not used to experiencing very often, so there's not much opportunity to practice being able to genuinely accept it.
I’ve been in a relationship with my ASD guy for 8 years now … he is lovely in every way . And is great to my 32 year olds non verbal autistic son. I’ve tried to finish the relationship 3 times over the years . I feel so guilty as he has done me no wrong. But with no social interaction and no deep conversations. I can’t take any more . Has anyone got any advice how I can end this with him , without hurting him ? As when I’ve tried before he just say I love you . But I say I don’t love . He doesn’t take it in. And keep repeating until I give in . And the cycle goes on until next time . I’ve lost my strength now . And I need it back as I am my sons carer. And I need my stenght back. 😢 x
I can relate to the lack of social interaction and lack of deep conversation. It is so lonely and feels so unnerving to our nervous system. I cant believe I finally understand exactly why this was happening. I always knew he was on the spectrum but I didn't know just how much it impacted our relationship struggles. Always felt out of synch. Like we were not in flow, not in tune. I was on FM channel and he was on AM channel. Pretty much all the time. When I realized how much the autism was a part of what I felt was lacking in our relationship (and what I know I need to be healthy and feel fulfilled in a partnership), I knew it was time to end it. The truth is, if you leave you will hurt them. But at the same time, you are freeing them up to be loved by someone who does get them and can love them and feel loved by them for who they are. With us, they would have to consistently mask to meet our needs.
What would happen if you asked for deep conversation and explain what it means and even come up with the subject matter, so he doesn't have to feel he will "do it wrong" and tell him you'll start, and he can follow your cue? If he said yes to this, and it went well, you'd have to tell him you need this to happen once per week every Sunday, or something like that. Try it. not all ASD will go along with it though. WHen he says no, stay completely calm and do not talk any more. Give him one hour to think. Then ask again, with a smile. THen wait. By the next day, he will either agree, or he'll just start trying to do it. Do not criticize the way he does it. Just try to lead the conversation in the right direction.
After getting engaged and welcoming our second son he has changed. He went from being obsessed to barely touching me. The birth of our first son he didn’t come visit me in the hospital and left for work while I was in labor. He could not understand why I was upset. And nearly lost his mind becoming mean and distant. I feel stuck and lonely. I just want to be free. Im so sad. Your videos have gave me clarity. Thank you Mark.
This was me except this was me in my marriage after the birth of my second child. This was a huge life transition for me (suspected ASD). Life changes and transitions are often a huge challenge. I was the one withholding intimacy and connection which ultimately led to him divorcing me. Now I have insight that I have issues with transitions and am learning coping skills. Maybe your husband needs someone to help him cope with the life changes.
My story as well. As life becomes complex and involves more people, social and emotional skills become more important. The ASD person tend to disconnect and shut down - and worse, blame the NT spouse. Because of mind blindness, only one point of view is accepted and no resolution is possible. Immensely painful and sad.
My ASD husband isn't doing tasks or working, loses all his jobs. He loves his kids. I am completely lost as I have 5 kids still in the home and homeschooling and can't, or have no clue how to work. I Airbnb two of the three bedrooms in my house. Help!
Hi there. I have been dating someone with asd for 10 months and so far it's good. We had some issues in the beginning but as Im learning more about it Im understanding him more and we have less problems. I thought he was narcissistic at first but he is capable of real empathy so I know its not that. All these things you have said here I can relate to and if I apply these basic rules of attitude towards him we get on amazingly. Im a Highly Sensitive Person and an also an Empath (so I can sense what he is feeling) so we seem to have some overlapping traits. I wonder if this is why we get on so well? Thoughts anyone?
Make and cherish friends who know what you’re experiencing with him and can support you - you will grow from this relationship but will need support to not feel alone in the relationship.
That's great to hear. If you go into a relationship knowing he has ASD and you are an HSP you are ahead of those of us who did not know this information going in. Personally I believe that NTs who value logic can have good relationships with pple on the spectrum. That doesn't mean not being HSP. HSPs value emotions and can also value logical approaches to problem solving especially problems that require completion of a task. As an HSP I value logic and strategic planning as well as appreciating the role of emotions in our relationships. What Mark has taught me is that sometimes we want an emotional experience and sometimes we want a strategy for success. For example I don't "feel" my way through doing laundry. I approach it strategically. Its a task not an emotional experience. I think some of us can make these ND relationships work well once we understand the role of emotions. When someone (with or without ASD) invalidates my emotions and tells me I am weak for being empathic that is where I part ways with that person. They need to see a value in the HSP traits I possess. I see value in empathy and in logic. They both have a role in getting through life. Sounds like you have found this as well!
@@musica4567 thank you! I agree on many things you've said here and yes I do value logic as an hsp because I need to feel comfortable and to be that I have to approach problem solving logically so Im less likely to feel overwhelmed. I also research everything to arm myself with knowledge and make sure I can handle the situation. I initially did not think I was equipped to be able to deal with his initial apparentlylack of empathy when I get emotional as he did say the right words but I didn't FEEL it. However now I feel because we have spent so much time together he has learned to be able to gauge my emotions a lot better. I also make sure I dont sound like Im criticising him or telling him what to do. I just express my needs and give him a task that I know he can confidently achieve, he likes paying for me to get a massage or taking me for a drive. This way I feel happier Im getting his attention and he can feel successful in keeping me happy, I believe he has come a long way since we first met too. He had extremely high levels of anxiety and low libido now he has a lot more confidence and seems to be a lot stronger. I do believe we are good for each other as he has stability and regular routines and that helps me to be a bit more grounded.
At least Mark warned you that dating phase and married responsibilities are a different ballgame. He is giving it his all right now, because he is truly interested . The pressures in marriage with less personal space will ramp his anxiety level and create issues to navigate. You have this videos to help. One thing I would tuck into your tool belt... " It is not personal." He is stressed and his brain has shut down. Enjoy the ride.
I'm falling apart. He calls me a narcissist etc and has had me cut my friends and family off who I spoke to very carefully explaining what we have both done to set each other off. And i only spoke about personal things to very few people but hes sure that word has spread to the whole world. They are so worried about me and some wished i would leave. I'm never going to leave because its not biblical. I just dont want to hit a nervous breakdown.
19 minutes in. Exactly what symptoms I have. I need to heal my condition with diet. I have all those symptoms I believe due to extreme stress from various causes over last few years. One main one being marriage crisis during the covid circus lunacy. I have ADD and I suspect he has ASD.
My biggest challenge is the catastrophising. It is like sitting in a little boat on a calm lake, and all of a sudden someone comes and tips the boat over, I swim back to the boat and the other person just watches, with no ability to understand what happened, and worse, says no when I ask them to pass me a towel
My husband decided to work in a different country in November. We were doing my IVF treatment in July. I asked him if he would go if I get pregnant and he said "yes I need to take care of myself." I stopped doing IVF and was so heartbroken. Who would do this, i thought. He is all the things mentioned in the video. I am now planning to study abroad as I am still young. I don't have the strength to divorce him. But I don't have the strength to live with him and make his babies either. Now he has started beating me too when he gets angry. He's a big man. I am scared.
Please seek help for yourself. ASD is never an excuse to abuse someone. It is wrong to abuse another person. Do some research indy trauma bonds and reach out to an abuse hotline. This will never get better and no one is coming to save you. You have to save yourself.
LEAVE do NOT tolerate physical abuse full stop. It could save your life-Violence tends to escalate. Call domestic abuse hotline if you need to. They have resources to help!
Mind blindness is meant to keep him away from serious relationships...( I have mind blindness).😢 Mind - blindness partners are not for anyone...no one enjoys the relationship... especially not the children. The more that a person with mind-blindness remains single, the more chance that person will develop some insight into human relations, their own feelings and motivations. Feelings and motivations are generally non-verbal.... 😢 So, I suggest someone with mind-blindness get two compatible young dogs or puppies to adopt. Dogs are generally non-verbal but they are high in expression. Learning nonverbal communication from the dogs, will help anyone become more visually alert and emotionally sensitive ....this does wonders for learning to read animal faces and human faces, body language and vocalizations. There is a chance for those of us to learn to communicate, some hope that this newly gained knowledge can transfer to our human relationships 👍
How can you say that she is only perceiving a distance from her partner as the relationship goes on and there in fact is more distance from the other partner? It's not really perception It's actual. If he gets more interested in hobbies, work etc then the distance is not only perceived, its actually happening.
@@amberm5626 not exactly... I said she is downloading his behavior in a certain way, but her download is still her truth... she's using the only filter she has to make sense of things. So...... "she is only perceiving a distance" ..... Yes in a sense, but her perception is real to her. He's not technically "creating" distance (although it may appear that way). If he were, he would be proactive with the forethought "How can I push her away and keep here away."
@markhutten Thank you. I understand the distance isn't necessarily intentional, and at the same time her perception is correct because there is an increase in distance. I do understand that both parties need to take care of there own business. Thanks again.
When I met my husband he told me all about the ex wife and how she treated him, the words she would “use against him” and now he used those same words he would yell to her now on me!! He says I’m out to get him I’m always criticizing him I want to stop on him! I feel like im in the twilight zone with him😡
Hello Mark, what happens if the ASD man is diagnosed, uses his diagnosis as an excuse to be cruel all the time, he is verbally abusive, emotionally abusive, psychologically abusive, financially abusing and physically abusive? Can this person change?
does anyone have a ND spouse who is on the spectrum but is super social as their main interest, out all the time with friends and has 20000 buddies, but clearly misses all emotional social cues, doesn't bond or respond emotionally, always with logic, draws their energy from the sensory experience and being liked and invited out. At home they kind of dial out like a dormant robot in front of the TV.
I'm afraid to comment bc i think he'd see it..😢.. I'm so paranoid. I pray God will let him see this. Btw besides all the other sickness you spoke of. Now I'm showing signs of having painful deformities in my hands ... my grandmother didn't show signs until like 80 yrs old I'm 53...
I’m a mom of two ASD teens and just recently realized that my husband is not a narcissist. He is ASD. Your videos also helped him understand and for the first time in 22 years, I feel hope.
Kacy …exactly the same here! I was convinced spouse had NPD but wasn’t 100% sure - ASD explains all his behavior and it runs in his family and now ours. It can be a gift to them and a curse.
@kacylatham is it bittersweet bc you practically "know" the romance difficulties your teens will encounter? (And in your case... know it all too well.) Or do you think you'll be in a good position to help them with good advice?
being ASD myself, I have to admit most of my people, incl my nearest - they all perceived me to be an narcissists at least once. its very frustrating and hurts, after I myself try to stay 100% sincere in my thinking and my behaviour...
@Kacy: I wouldn't imagine how some ASD would get something out of mind games... we're not working like that
Same! My son and now husband! Best of luck. Makes sense that they aren’t narcs!
My situation also. Also found out that 2 years into our 30 yr marriage, my then hub decided that my homesickness after moving was a really a major psychological problem but he didn't tell anyone. After 2 kids he decided they had to be separated from me. So he worked for years to undermine me. A savvy counsellor finally figured it out but too late. He wanted her to fix me! Family kicked me out literally. Kept up with youngest NT for 2 years then she cut me off too. Parental alienation is very painful. Still better than living with him. We had many common interests. I miss the husband I thought I married- and my kids.
19 years married and wondered shortly into the first year what the hell is this. I never quite understood what was wrong in terms of a diagnosis until somebody asked me about 4 years ago if my spouse has Aspergers. I began reading books, papers, videos and today listened to Mark Hutten's video. My god, this is my husband despite not having a formal ASD level 1 diagnosis. This podcast is about us!
I've just really realized this is my husband. Dealt with this for 15 years already 😢
What’s his main symptoms and ones that affect you the most?
@@jamiebilly2945 me too.. you aren’t alone…
How does the NT wife gently get her Asperger husband to acknowledge his autism? If he won’t, then I have virtually no choice. It’s not the life I signed up for. And I can do nothing to get him to empathize with me. How can he stand to live with an argumentative harpy; who is wrong all the time, about everything? This is his image of me. It’s completely wrong, but he thinks it’s correct. I would have left me 20 years ago! I mean, I have the audacity to spend money on things not grocery related! That’s always wrong. 100% of the time. That’s beyond beating my head against a wall!
I have never felt so validated in my feelings. He made me feel I was just crazy and I felt like he never understood me. I wish he would have been willing to work on things. He never even admitted he was ASD, his mom told me.
At least his mom told you. They both never told me anything. It all came together when our first son was diagnosed with ASD & ADHD. And they are so similar.
Relationships with these ppl suck the life out of you and cause suicidal thoughts.
@sadiekimmer3950
Just how I feel.
I have ASD.
Yes, on both sides.
I was suicidal. I told my dad, who I think is ASD, and he said don’t be silly and put the phone down.
I’ve not called him for two years now and I’ve been trying to figure him out all this time. I’ve got a long list of strange interactions. My brother says he is a good person that doesn’t care about other peoples feelings. I’m not sure if he’s narcissistic or ASD. He’s 76, the chance of finding out is quickly vanishing.
Autism and narcssist People should stay single, we are not good in marriage, i have autism and i know better, i stay single.
Hearlike me 81 him no get no listen😢 married what am going to do is rent a room to someone I can talk too😢
Mindblindness: she's disagreeing with me... therefore she is against me... therefore he has to prove himself right and that she is wrong
Yep; to disagree equates to "fighting" not just having an opinion.
Thank you for your clear and calm delivery🙏🏼. Being a highly sensitive neurotypical spouse of a ASD person married over 30 years I learned to live without connection or conversation except for the few topics of his hyper focus. Time to make real female friends!!
Thanks for sharing!!
I would love to be your friend, I too am at 30 years, but just figured this out about 2 years ago and he is in denial.
Me too please. Holy cow.
Could I join ? ❤
When you say “highly sensitive”, if you mean you’re an HSP, also known as having “sensory processing sensitivity”, that’s actually another form of neurodivergence.
This validates my feelings! The similarities are exactly the same as mine! He’s not always right! I new it! He often made me seriously doubt my sanity. In fact, I felt exactly like the Ingrid Bergman character, in Gaslight! It’s uncanny! We thought we were lonely freaks, who were always wrong! The truth is we aren’t! You all help me in too many ways to count! I am crying with relief! Bless everyone here! Know that you are a fascinating, worthy person, and you are not alone.
I have high cortisol, high ldl, pain in hands, exhausted raising two kids alone. He’s is just clueless but has a ver high paying job. I feel stuck.
My husband thinks love is coming home everyday. He said if he didn’t love me, he wouldn’t come home. Yet he comes home and ignores us. But if he’s unhappy or he’s worried about something he wants to hug and kiss and make love. Otherwise he won’t even hug me. I can cry in front of him and he won’t touch me . Why can’t he be affectionate when he’s happy?
Every AS person is different. my husband is the reverse. When he's stressed or feels (mistakenly) that he's not making me perfectly happy, he avoids me. When he's happy and not stressed, then I get his good side. Most of the time he's apathetic, and trying not to be, and failing. I've learned alot from journaling and coming up with ideas that I try. I've noticed that he responds well to me constantly reminding him that I'm not mad at him, just trying to find out what he needs, and he can help me with that. When he gets upset in 2 minutes AGAIN, and says I have an "attitude" I ask him what my attitude is, he may say I don'tknow, and I say again, I'm not mad at you, I'm just trying to find out what you need, and you can help me. If he says something hurtful like I need you to stop being such a martyr or victim or whatever, I NO LONGER RESPOND TO THAT. I keep repeating that I'm not mad etc and I stay calm. The absolute worst thing about being in this NT/ AS marriage is that he can't remember anything good that I did. ANd even "remembers" things that weren't said or done by me. If worse comes to worse, sometimes I tell him that he doesn't know me because of this. He doesn't know who I am. THen I give him an hour or a day to regroup, he forgets evereything, including what the whole thing was about, and seems to go back to thinking I'm a good person. I think.
I can, and have, cried in front of my mate, and he doesn’t even see me! I’m not simply ignored; I have the unique ability to cease existing! I thought I was pretty dang special, until every one of my friends insisted that they could see me. And I wasn’t a vision, because Kelly actually pinched me! I admit, having my existence validated by a group of people, runs circles around invisibility any day!
I am exhausted. It feels abusive and punishing. My entire environment is constantly hostile. I am ending my 16 year marriage bc we do not have the ability to overcome…
Do not let him reel you back in. We separated at 15 yrs, he catfished me back in. I regret it. He masked for a while. Now at 25 yrs it only gotten exponentially worse.
@@TBC122901 I’ve come and gone so many times bc I love him so much. But even when I do everything the way he needs me to, and I willingly do it bc I love him so, he remains cruel and calls it humor.
He has major women issues (partly due to the way his mother treated his ASD father and I totally get it), but I am the complete opposite of his Mom.
Any wish, want or desire on my part is viewed as a “demand” ‘just like his mom treated his father.’
I think he hates me.
No physical or emotional “anything.” He has his own bag of sex toys at his own place and has completely rejected me on every level.
I’ve learned to ask for nothing. I am so lonely. He left for work after a weekend visit this past Monday (a job he took in another state where he got his own apt and just left us all), and never even said goodbye to us. We were all up getting ready for school and I think he is loading his car and will come in to say goodbye to us.
Nope. Just drove away.
It’s Wednesday evening and none of us have heard from him.
He shows up every few weekends and acts like he’s coming home from war and deserves a heroes welcome when my children (and I) feel abandoned by him.
If we don’t lockstep and watch gory snuff movies (only thing he watch and he gets to lick every show), then he becomes upset bc “he specifically took time off to come home and spend time w us.” :-/
He’ll call whatever we watch “stupid.”
I can’t take much more. I pray for death; I pray for the bravery to pull the trigger. I want to die.
My only “demands”:
1. Please love me.
2. Please don’t make constant remarks about how emotionally unstable and unreasonable women are in front of our son, w/o hyper fixating on toxic female traits in front of him. I do not act this way and I’m terrified my son, whom I suspect to also be high functioning, to loathe women. I want someone to marry and love my child and not have him treat his wife the way he’s seen his dad treat me. He is beginning to treat me the same way as his Dad does when his dad is home.
My son is already terrified women want nothing more than money and control. Every TV show or movie he catches on TV, it’s constant feedback on how stupid females are how they’d “never be able to do those things in real life.”
I tried so hard. Those 2 requests are just too much.
Even though I’ve long ago set aside what I’d hoped a marriage would look like for me to be to accommodate his issues, there’s never any progress. I feel so unlovable. I’m not a victim, but I do feel stuck in my own mental prison. My own mother rejected me so I understand why I chose this dynamic (emotionally unavailable spouse). My self esteem is destroyed and I don’t wouldn’t even know what to do or how to end the marriage. He has control of all the money in his acct where I have no access.
I feel trapped.
I love him and respect the fact he has issues and wanted work around them, but not at the expense of poisoning my children and my own mental health. I am a shell of who i used to be. I don’t even know who I am anymore, tbh. I used to be a professional w a prestigious job w the DEA. Top Secret Clearance, am a war vet. Was a bad ass at one point. Now I can barely get out of bed and see anything objectively anymore.
I carry it all - every last duty and he makes fun of me in front of the kids bc I sometimes watch cooking shows to relax and detach.
He calls me “mindless” for watching “mindless tv.”
I’ve given up everything and hoped it would be enough. I’m not a martyr, was so fully okay w readjusting and making due. But the constant insults about my femininity destroy me bc it’s something I can’t change. I’ve fought the urge not to blow my brains out for the last 3 days. Death would be easier at this point and I’ve not counted it out at this point.
Sorry to verbal vomit. I have nobody. Thank you for caring enough to respond to me. This is all over the map bc I am in a state of shock.
But your comment - thank you. Something so small means so much to me these days.
So proud of you for finding the strength to get out.
*gets to “pick” every show
I’m so sorry! I’m in the same situation. Sending you love and hope!
He hugged me and said " I love you but I'm not sure what that means" together 9 yrs.. I Moved out in May to give him space and for us to find peace. I love him but can't live with him. We see each other but I have to go home, we talk on phone. I have to keep it distant.
Sadly, I am feeling like this might be the best option for us 😢
We live in separate homes on same property and it’s still not enough space
@@sadiekimmer3950 sad
We live separately too but it only makes it easier in some ways. In other ways it’s worse like housing instability from being in a shorter term shelter than he is at, plus never having intimacy.
I told my husband I just want to be loved and feel loved. He went on a big speech of how you have to earn love like you have to earn respect, which he doesn’t notice anything I do. So another words in order to get love I have to run around in circles trying to prove myself, impossible! I have to leave the abuse. I deserve love
True my marriage is exactly how you put it...n I've been married 6months.. he told me he was austic and didn't think it was a problem u till now ,I thot would change over time....but I'm sick and tired of adapting and getting know where.....I just want to operate his brain and rewire everything if not I'm outt here ,,,adios m.f --***
OMG, this just saved my marriage. I love my husband immensely and I feel so broken but I’m willing to keep trying because I know he loves me as much or more than I love him. Our relationship is very much worth the effort but it will take both of us together to make it happen.
Wonderful!
Yes, it is worth it. My husband and I have been married 30 years, just found out 2 years ago about the autism 2 years ago. I was at my wits ends and my husband didn't know what was wrong with him...Now we know and understand, that's a blessing in itself...So after 30 years, I'm getting to know my husband all over again, for the first time. So, yes, marriage is worth it. Hang in there.
I think what you describe is exactly what I've gone through. I thought he was a dismissive avoidant, and I did suspect some form of autism (he was very bright, but emotionally stunted). But now I think autism might have been at the forefront of everything we went through. So difficult, so much pain and confusion.
I’m totally willing to leave my husband to his quiet, but when through hiss anxiety, he is under all the NT’s feet all damn day and trying to control us, that’s a problem. He’s always trying to make people do what he wants and how he wants to make HIM feel better. The rest of us feel controlled all the time.
@@jannemclaughlin1039 sounds exactly like Narcissism
@@jowen7866 I have withdrawn from him more, but when I’m with my kids, grandkids and co-workers, I’m a completely different person. He knows people like me because I’m friendly,and it’s what drew him to me, but I’m sad I can’t be that way around him.
My husband is EXACTLY THE SAME WAY. I don't even know who I am anymore...
@@kellyrussell530 Same here.
@@kellyrussell530 Me too
If someone’s primary love language, the thing they can receive from another that most makes them feel most loved, is the absence of that other person …I don’t think we are talking about love anymore.
I have found the absence of my husband is usually when I feel most loved.
@@ericabuchanan7260 Same. My anxiety goes through the roof when he is at home or about to get home from work.
Its less about the absence of the person and more of the absence of potential issues that can come up. Its more of a "I may be quieter than normal but I enjoy you and want you around, up until the point you make me deal with something I would rather not. If thats your intention then please go away"
Of course it can still be love. Many ND people need alone time to be better partners and calm their own nervous systems.
I will never forget my ex boyfriend telling me “not everyone is against you” “I’m not a mind reader”. I tend to assume malicious intent when I feel misunderstood. Also I would like to include that when you describe ND people believing social expectations as irrelevant- you are describing a low masking ND person. We highly masked individuals can become obsessed with keeping up with expectations. Its exhausting.
My experience w my AS husband , is that in defending himself, as you mention, he does lie. He MUST be right, so he exaggerates to prove his point and lies regularly. His brilliant sister with AS also does this- so that no one can compete with them. I love them both, but when dealing with lies, one starts to feel very discombobulated.
Lying has been the most difficult issue to deal with. Yes, as you wrote: "...one starts to feel very discombobulated."
@kkhufnagle5735 I don't know which is more painful, the emotional deprivation or the lying, but I'm glad you brought this up. His chronic lying has been consistent for years, even lying about things there's no need to lie about! It's bizarre and has never made sense to me. He will lie about things with hard evidence sitting right in front of him.
@@HeartAliveTodayYou are on point 100%! I just ended my relationship for the final time 2 weeks ago. My ex would exaggerate & lie so much that it was almost funny. Even the look in his eyes gave it away. He was my first love as a teen & go forward 31 yrs & he’s brutal! He was loving, sweet & unique when we were kids. I was so in love with that boy but now I hate the man, I couldn’t stand it anymore & told him off. He did do much emotional damage, I now have to seek out a psychologist.
Yes He tries to twist the situation to be right. Oh you mis heard me I never said we'd actually do anything I said maybe and said I'd call you. Blatant lying and gaslighting. I know what you said. I believe he has pathological Demand Avoidance too. It's infuriating to sit around all night only to basically be stood up and told it was my own damn fault. I know its ASD but that is some Narcissistic behavior in there for sure.
Thank you all for talking about the lying!! I've heard him do it to others. It's bizarre there's no need for it. And he's totally in denial. I've only been in this relationship for 4 mths but been friends for years. I knew he was on the spectrum when I met him years ago. He puts on a great public face but what I have to endure is brutal! 😳 The gaslighting and projection is second to none. If I didn't love him the way I do I'd be done. He's a beautiful man and I try to leave but he just won't let me go. I feel guilty when I want to end it. If he was an asshole I could leave but it's so complex with these guys!! Everyone sharing is helping me from believing I'm crazy. This is crazy making stuff being with an Aspie. 😭
My husband wants freedom from the relationship, the marriage. He wants zero responsibility for me, my safety, my well being. He stopped answering his phone because it interrupted his hyper focus time. I had an emergency, he turned it around on me for being over the top angry when I finally came home & I had tried calling 17 times. “You KNEW I wouldn’t answer my phone, you aren’t allowed to be angry!” He said he’ll never empathize with me. He’ll never see my point of view and me expressing my frustration is me screaming “you’re broken!” at him. He won’t bathe but tells me I’m shallow if I don’t have physical intimacy with him. He refuses to get diagnosed. He’s a walking encyclopedia out in the world, but at home… I feel like I’m his silent caregiver. I had to leave, I couldn’t take it anymore. 23 years. Thank you for explaining this so well. I wish I had this information 5 years ago.
@@akferren1 I am so sorry. I know how you feel. Why did these men even pursue us? It seems like they never wanted to be married or they wanted a wife but never wanted to be a husband.
They don't have a clue how to be a husband! Mine said in his first marriage that his space was the garage and his wife's was the house, and he was responsible for taking care of the garage and she was responsible for taking care of the house.😅
@@roughroadstudio oh dear grief 💀
I am exhausted and lonely, with having to be careful and pick my time for when he has least anxiety. Or come at it in a light hearted happy go lucky easy breezy way, just seems to back fire alot in explosions of anger and righteousness. I am tired of trying so hard. I want it to be easier.
I know exactly how you feel. Look up Cassandra Syndrome. I feel so down and depressed being with my husband
Can't talk to them
My wife just discovered these videos today. She said they opened her eyes. Things I was trying to put to words for her for quite some time. Finding out I was ASD in 2018 saved our marriage but it wasn't easy for us to learn things together.
I believe my husband is ASD. I’m frightened to approach the subject as I’m almost 100% sure he’ll dismiss the subject just as I feel he’s done for me and my ADD. Although he does support me financially as is normal in a marriage and he is not judgemental.
@@oscarcat1231 I had suspected for well.over 10 years and had been seeking answers for longer than that.
People need to be careful when self identifying people. Too many miss characterizations happen as people see what they want to see, vs what is actually happening.
Furthermore the hypervigilance caused by trauma can cause a person to act in awkward ways, and not be autistic at all.
Moral of the story is to be very black and white and honest in your observations and interpretations in your relationship and seek qualified expert advice moving forward.
I really can’t believe how much grief we are causing our NT partners, I’m only just beginning to realise the connection between being overprotected as a child and being late diagnosed with ASD at 51. My poor NT husband I don’t want to lose him but have been battling for 20yrs trying to understand what’s wrong with me and don’t know how to improve things for the both of us because he does not believe in asking for help like me I’m too scared too suggest counselling and don’t feel he really understands why it feels so impossible to me to give him what he needs. Any suggestions would be very much appreciated. Thank you Mark for sharing x
You are truly a lifesaver! After 15 yrs I finally get it. I know understand the what, why and how when it comes to living with and loving my husband. THANK YOU! I've researched a ton and tried therapy but nothing clicked and made total sense like your videos. So grateful for the work you do!
If things aren't working out, if the other person doesn't want to work on things, or if working just isn't working, there is no shame in just going your separate ways. It doesn't have to be someone's fault, a relationship doesn't have to last forever to be successful. Sometimes relationships run their course and end. Sometimes people grow apart. Sometimes people just aren't right for each other. ASD or not. Let's stop patholagizing the breakdown of a marriage.
Relationships with these ppl sucks the life out of you and causes suicidal feelings.
I met Justin when I was 15 years old fast-forward 26 years later we’re still together and every video of yours is unlike all others. I’ve listened to when I try to find help for us because it has not been easy just last year our 14-year-old daughter Told me to look into autism and I did because she felt that she may be and I do believe that but most certainly with Justin it fits everything we have struggled through. I’m currently trying to get him to try and see that he could possibly be autistic and I think he’s starting to come around. He had had a diagnosis of ADHD about 15 years ago. It does run in his family doesn’t help that I am legally blind and have had to rely on him for these past 26 years but I know I love him more now than ever and still get excited every time he comes home from a 22 hour workday :-)thank you so much for these videos. I cannot express how important they are to me. Thank you.❤❤
THANKYOU SOOOOOOOOooooo MUCH MARK! NEW FRONTIER IN HEART & SANITY SAVER! THE WORD ' MARRIAGE' IS AN IMPOSSIBILTY HERE: IT HAS TO BE A NEW WORD FOR THIS TYPE OF NON RELATIONSHIP RELATIONSHIP. NO OFFENSE< JUST ENERGETICALLY TRUE. XXSS
Points to consider:
• Acceptance doesn't mean you won't have conflict with your ASD spouse, but it will be easier to work through the conflict - because it will lack the negative judgment about who he is.
• Learn how ASD minds work differently than yours, and accept these individuals for who they are.
• Neurodiverse marriages are riddled with criticism, defensiveness, stonewalling, and contempt.
• One European study estimated that 80% of Neurodivergent Marriages end in divorce (nearly double the divorce rate for neurotypical spouses).
• The spouse in a neurodiverse marriage can often experience mental health issues (e.g., anxiety, depression) as a result of being in a relationship with someone who is "wired" very differently (i.e., the NT is highly emotional, while the ASD spouse is highly logical).
Are you in favor of curing or eliminating autism?
Where were you 20 years ago😂!? Feels great to finally understand🙏🏼
The NT spouse does learn and accept how the ASD person thinks, but they don’t do likewise. They show plenty of emotional reciprocity when dating, so they are capable of it. When it wanes, rather than being willing to return to those behaviors, we are supposed to just be fine without the very things that made us fall in love in the first place. Love needs nourishment. ASD brains are capable of it, obviously. They just exempt themselves from doing it, and blame the NT wife for “inappropriate” needs labeled demands… But like oxygen, food, water, and sex…they’re real needs. Decades of lack of nourishment to love makes love wither and die. Then, we’re told, don’t take it personally. Like if you don’t get air or water or food, don’t take it personally. Love is personal, for god’s sake. We have to do ALL THE CHANGING, ACCEPTING, DOING WITHOUT, AND ADAPTING. Brains are malleable…oh, that’s right…except for ASD ones.
@@ggrace1133 I am sorry that you are going through that. I would agree with your general comments re: needs not being met, and I'm sorry your spouse didn't work with you on that.
Logically, an ASD should be able to see that both parties should work on the relationship in order for it to be successful.
Another factor though that I've been seeing affect relationships is the Attachment Style theory, and the 3 non-secure attachments (descriptions vary on the internet, I'm just using one subset): Anxious-Avoidant, Anxious, Dismissive-Avoidant. Some of the ASD/non-ASD dynamics that Mark has described are very similar to an Anxious to Dismissive relationship dynamic.
@@ggrace1133 I’m crying reading your comment because I’m living this right now. I feel like I have had to carry the entire marriage. 20 plus years. When we were dating he was totally different once we married he didn’t even try anymore and he expects me to just deal with it. It’s so lonely.
I've been diagnosed for about 6 years with inattentive ADHD. But I see nearly all of the traits (and the harms to my wife) you describe in this video in me. And while it does "take two to tango," these qualities ended my first marriage, and I think may soon end my current (2nd) marriage to the most remarkable woman I've ever met. I do want to change these things, and to work constructively on me and our relationship. But i fear too little, too late. I'd like to find a therapist who has this understanding. I see the harm I do, but I seem to keep causing the same harm again and again. Really could use pointers to immediate and "radical" help.
Most women are pretty compassionate and forgiving and just hearing the words “I understand the harm I’ve caused you, I’m so sorry, I want to do better,” will give her so much hope and relief. So tell her!
Hope you’re doing ok
One tip, if you’re one of your asd tendencies is to dive in to special interest topics/research, then mindfully choose to make her, her feelings, her needs, her experiences and interests your special interest for awhile. Study her and ask questions. All you will learn will contribute to an easier life. Then, use touch as much as possible to give her the feeling of love. Not just sex, more like very sweet hugs and kissing her forehead, etc. tell her what you said above, about wanting radical help and ask her for a time to tell her very bluntly exactly what she wants …write it down!! Practice giving it. Keep all the notes and set regular reminders for yourself, as if it were a task or work, to go and do those things. Eventually it will become easy, more habitual and your connection will grow.
I'm doing better, and so is she. We are not out of the woods, but we've found some serious childhood trauma I am dealing with. I'm in therapy, and I am doing what the "highlighted reply" to me said. This is parallel stuff. Must work on me, cannot work ONLY on me. The advice above is good advice. If you are reading this because you identify with my OP then consider the advice. Work on what you DO, but do not neglect how and why you did it. There will be reasons. And you can change. You can do and be better. But you will have to face some hard and scary things. It is worth it.
@@chooseaname1423 This is such good advice!
I feel totally insane from walking on eggshells but am exhausted from having my feelings hurt constantly. I have never seen a video that summed up my 17 year long marriage better.
I understand
@@markhutten thank you so much for this. We've been in therapy for years and this video provided so much clarity. Grateful for the bluntness!
I suspect my father has ASD but I’ve found it hard to find this sort of perspective. I feel he’s abusive. I was really struggling in my life and he didn’t seem to care. I had to cut him off because the pain of dealing with him was more than I could handle. He blames me now too but he’s just impossible to connect with. It’s deeply upsetting. He never once says what a normal person would say, something kind and understanding. He’s been described my whole life as being black and white but no one has suggested he go see someone. I’m not sure what to do next. He also has a narcissistic partner who has alienated everyone else in his life. It’s awful. Thanks for keeping it real.
Agreed! I turned into such a chameleon, I came to a point where I thought " wow, I can't keep spending all this energy adapting adapting adapting (plus parenting a neurodiverse kid) and loosing my sense of self! In the end, despite a lot of counselling, I chose to leave the marriage. As hard as divorce was, it was the best choice I could make
Good for you one of the lucky ones
This man knows his shit. First neurotypical that actually understands ASD absurdly impressive!
I know! I'm shocked - I've even learned something about myself bc I can see a bit more through the NT lens.
He is Asd not Nt
@@ShazmaThabusom oh thank you I was not aware!
@@ShazmaThabusomMark is not ASD he's an NT. He's said it many times on here before. I think if he was ASD he would not be able to speak the way he does.
@@MsSeachell67of course he could if he was ASD. It would just mean he has insight and has learned skills and how to communicate. ASD people can acquire these skills, it’s just that they don’t come naturally to them.
I'm so glad he doesn't sugar coat the truth about these relationships and how they affect the neurotypical partner.
I regularly lied to and even gaslighted by my ASD partner. I know he doesn't do it to hurt me and it does hurt a lot. I am so curious why most people say that ASD do not lie.
They definitely lie. Almost like a reflex. They lie to save themselves. However, When it comes to others they tell the truth like “that shirt is ugly”. Atleast thats what I observe to be true.
and very secretive....
I am sad and don’t lie. My husband is sad and lies a lot
@@tashiajaramillo9901that’s my husband too
The one I deal with does lie and gaslight, often.
and the secrets...
That sounds like narcissism..
@@xDHalcyonn They can also have narcissism at the same time.
Hello no listen too
I know that too I think both😢
Thanks, Mark! As always, best not to be unevenly yoked. This type relationship destroys mental psyche of a NT. Grievous, indeed. Best wishes everyone!
Learn to sit with your partner while they fix the sink or whatever they are doing. Time is currency but use it wisely. Don't just chase your passion. NT's need together time and you will learn why and it is rewarding for both. From an Aspie.
Mark your videos are answers to questions and frustrations to a marriage of 5 years. We're a young couple, I was aware of my husband's ASD but, naively underestimated how it would affect our lives and what my picture of a perfect marriage would look like. I'm okay that it won't happen how I thought it would, but I am so grateful for this information. I'm understanding why my husband is how he is. It changes everything. Thank you so much!
Thanks for sharing
How come ASDs don't want sex? How do you keep from feeling like you want to put a gun to your head and you can't leave because divorce would be more excruciating than marriage?
How do your kids grow to expect healthy relationships?
@@user-vs1tc3kj3z that’s an excuse because you want to stay, you’re free to leave if you want.
That’s just an individual’s personal sexual needs. It is not a trait of autism. Though I understand about trying to create a healthy environment for your children to grow up in. Providing a safe environment is one of a parent’s most important priorities!
@@willj1598 That’s just being realistic, people choose to stay in these situations just to constantly complain. Reading about your situation just proves my point. You have wasted close to four decades in a relationship that will never meet your needs. And for what? It’s truly mind boggling the way some humans can rationalize simple situations and make them much more difficult than they have to be when the solution is simple and as clear as day.
@@willj1598 It doesn’t matter if you wouldn’t call it a waste because it’s clear that you don’t have very good judgment. Any sane person would see the situation for what it is and call it what it is, which is a wasted life. I would much rather waste 40 than 40 years and a day. I would never just lie down and accept being miserable. Life is way too short.
@@willj1598 At least you are able to recognize and admit that much. Best of luck to you.
This is really wonderful! I'm autistic and my boyfriend has OCD (but seems autistic to me as well). The anxiety/criticism link really helped us sort through our communication . Thank you for the great information!
So sad. We just learned of his diagnosis last year. Incredible heartache, distance and hurt feelings after all these years...
This video is absolutely amazing and has helped me more than you could ever know to trying to understand neurodiverse relationships. I absolutely love and relish watching your videos they are massively educational and life changing. Thank you
It’s so destructive for me living in this negativity. I can’t do it anymore. He sees himself ASS but he doesn’t ever want a solution. He just wants to talk about poor him. How no one understands him. The whole world is against him. He’s in such a hole I can’t pull him out anymore. I’m done.
I have been married to a man for 11 years… found out once my son was diagnosed with ASD, I discovered the reason for all the turmoil I’ve had in my marriage. I fit every single symptom of the Cassandra syndrome.
4 kids later…. Where do I go? What do I do? Is this it for me?
This is exactly how I feel. Is this it for me? Except my husband is not interested in a diagnosis (nor does he believe he’s Level 1 Autistic). We have 13, nearly 14 children together (we’ve been married 25 years). Most of our children are neurodiverse (all undiagnosed). I’m the only one diagnosed (ADD at age 7 back in the mid eighties). So even if I showed my husband these videos, he would tell me how it’s not him and I just don’t understand (incidentally a psychiatrist once reported to my childhood GP, “thank you for referring this most insightful child”).
I have felt at times like I’m not married. He seems enmeshed with his mum and ASD sister (who has never said a kind word to me).
Life is such a struggle and his family blame me for everything.
I've learned that I had to empower myself more. And have support from friends. Get out my comfort zone! Most importantly, more time in the word. Not sure if you are a Christian but I can't tell you enough that my faith and time in prayer and drawing near to God where I learned how to respond to my husband. Discipline, Humility and learning so much by getting out my comfort zone.
I am 57, and have begun to grieve instead of be angry. My anger was because I’m hurt over and over again by the tone of voice, interrupting me, over talking me, “correcting” me, huffing when I ask for a need to be met, requiring justification that makes sense to him when I want something like a gym membership or regular hair appointments, replacing old things in the house, not taking care of things we own, always scratching denting or ruining them some how. I used to feel pretty, sexual, smart, witty, capable, and within a year of being married, those things began to quickly be challenged as I interpreted his reactions or lack there of to me as something wrong with me. I was committed to traditional roles and ended up doing everything to take care of every aspect our lives with the exception of finances. We started out “working together” but it became impossible to work with him. He would leave out large pieces of information at the table when we made plans and budgets, then say oh I forgot this… or you don’t understand how being paid every two weeks vs on the 15th and 30th works. I would grocery shop with a legal pad and write down prices and take a box of cereal in and out of my cart several times, or butter, etc. until one day I decided we aren’t going to plummet into the financial abyss over cereal. My stress level and anxiety were so high!!!! All I wanted was to be a pleasing wife and life partner and I was treated at every turn like I was an enemy, a threat. I have a masters degree. I think I do understand most things except for him. So now I grieve. Anger is useless. Hurt is pointless. I have fallen right in front of him and he keeps walking, I have been crying red faced on the sofa and he doesn’t notice. 26 years of marriage I decided he likes being an island and I will stop paddling out to greet him there. I retreated and there has been not one response from him, not question of why. All that energy and he doesn’t even notice I’ve left. There is no feeling precious to a person with ASD. And being married to one means I’ll never experience being precious to anyone. I am starting a new path of being whole, not relying on him for anything. I am looking for a job that a 30 year full time mother has skills for, which is hard. The world doesn’t think I’m useful either. But I will find work and I will make decisions that respect that I’m married, however will not require his understanding. I make thoughtful strategic decisions and if he doesn’t think so that is his stress to deal with. I have come to this place after 35 years. I am finished wanting something from him he cannot see understand fathom or feel. I will take care of him and will be a nice roommate, but I will never allow a developmental delay or disorder ever determine my worth or strengths ever again. I know what he’s got in a wife and partner, even though he doesn’t. Wish me well in finding a job that is purposeful, and peace with living this next chapter connecting in life with my dear friends and the new ones that are to come. I will be free and he won’t even know the difference. And I think that’s a win for us both.
I'm 34, been married 14 years, and have FIVE children with him. Swore he was a narcissist, but considering all 5 of our children are on the spectrum, I now realize he is ASD. I am now taking medication to cope and push down my feelings, but I feel them breaking thru the current dosage. I don't want to be a medicated zombie just to deal with my life. Send help..
@@hayleyferguson528414 kids??? Foster kids? Adopted? Sets of twins???
OMG, I'm literally in tears listening to this. I wish I would've learned this 15 years ago 😯 thankfully, I've realized this is my husband, and I'm doing all this research now. One thing I haven't seen anything about yet is pettiness, have any info on that, or is that just my husband?
When does it become that he needs to also do the work to understand how his brain works? It's been years and I feel like I'm the one stuck doing all the work and it's began to create resentments and I don't want that but I'm not sure what to do at this point
Not registering his constant, never ending, insistence that you are wrong; is nothing but a hamster wheel. I simply refuse to 😢engage anymore. I treat his inevitable tantrum in the same way that I treated my 2 year old child’s; I ignore the child, and their tantrum. This is truly a fool proof method in good parenting. The problem comes in, when you realize that your child learned that bad behavior was wrong, because it never got him what he wanted. So, being neurotypical, he stops the unrewarding behavior, and I know that my parenting is working. Neurotypicals refer to this as an example of Good Parenting. And we NTs all agree on this. It never even occurs to us to debate this OBVIOUS fact. My grown ass, 50+ husband never changes his bad behavior. I continue to apply the same theory of just rewarding good behavior, while ignoring bad. He always fails to see his behavior as bad, AND fruitless! Instead, he mirrors the behavior back at me! My toddler never did that! How can he say, with a straight face. In his eyes, I am the defensive tantrum thrower! ARGUUUUUUUUHHHHHHHHHH! I successfully raised a toddler; 4 cats, and two dogs using the same logic, and it worked 100% of the time. This actually drives me close to begging for a nice, quiet padded cell. I know I’m right! I simply can no longer be his punching bag. It’s inadvertent, but it still hurts like he’s being purposefully venomous, vindictive and mean. And if that’s my constant reality, then it’s true. It’s also co-dependent, and it will eventually cause a blood vessel in my head to burst. And I will take good care of myself, with plenty of positive reinforcement. We seem doomed to act out the Ingrid Bergman-Charles Boyer roles indefinitely. I am correct, and I know that I am! It’s a solid fact; with receipt after receipt, yet his reasoning is the complete opposite of all of us living alone in a Sims marriage. He simply without flaw, 100% of the time! That’s not statistically possible!
Perfect description of my marriage.
I know this inner mental track is there but how can he see? Lol. This feels like the hang up/brick wall I KEEP running in to. I have let go of MANY in fact the majority of the “typical” relationship norms but some times I need some bread crumbs and when I do… none of what I have spent the last 15years sacrificing to keep the home kosher and not a battle zone at the cost of NOT talking about what I want to talk about and most of what needs to get talked about…. I am enemy number one… the one person who has been on the receiving end of the full weight of my responsibility AND his because he can’t deal with being a husband and a dad of 3 kids
For some reasons i watched tons of content on narcissism and the blindness to others perspective, the defensiveness, and apparent self centeredness would definitely look like narcissism from an outside perspective
I work for an ASD and it’s hard the lack of communication. I use to think he was a narcissist. Very short and hot tempered he yells a lot. If it wouldn’t be for my nice coworkers that say don’t take it personal. I would of quit!
Mark, could you discuss neurodiverse couples who successfully practice LAT (living apart together)?
after 20 years I got cancer. The way he abandoned me then was and is so painful. I have a hard time letting go.
I feel you.. We had a similar story in our family. My mom got seriously ill and didn't let my AS father go. She cooked for him and brought food to his house every weekend for 24 years, worked hard in his garden and was helping to renovate his house, with her own hands. He has never done anything similar for her. He kept hurting her troughout the years and didn't stop even when she was the most vulnerable due to her illness. He acted like a selfish robot, talking about stupid things, showing no empathy, not even trying to show some care.. He visited her 2x during 6 months she was fighting for her life. I did my best and I was there for her, nonstop. I wanted to show her she didn't need him. I'm sorry she didn't manage to get rid of him like 30y ago. He shows all the signs of autism plus is also an abusive alcoholic. We came through hell with him.
What an irony, I'm dealing with an autistic boyfriend past few years. Long distance, short distance, bad communication, missuderstandings, me always adjusting myself, my needs not met so I compromised, now he has completely changed into a cold robot.. I know I cannot repeat the mistake mom made, I can't keep this going for too long, because it's bad for me. Breaking up really hurts, I love him, but... I understand to every woman, it is really painful to let them go, because we believed in that relationship once..and it feels they betrayed us at some point. But I think in a fact it is us betraying ourselves, our self love for long periods of time and not seing that, because we have some sort of a childhood trauma.
My love to you😢
I have been watching your videos like crazy and the funny thing is that I was diagnosed with BPD and bipolar but I swear I seem to be more on the autistic spectrum rather than bpd ( maybe the bipolar as well ? ) Thanks , I appreciate channels like this because it really helps
I said the same thing!
So many women are misdiagnosed with BPD + or Bipolar when it's autism (although they can be comorbid). When I was finally diagnosed autistic quite a few diagnoses magically disappeared 😅
You are doing a wonderful job, helping people in this situation/type of marriage… Thank you…❤
Seemely partners or spouses need something else to focus on to do in life. A special hobby , or something that can help another human being. I believe we as human expect too much from one another. We all have weakness or strength. Pray about it get someone else to do a expectation, join others for special occasions ❤
I never miss one of your teachings. I start my day with seeing if you post and listen. I have followed and listened and tried to follow what you tell us to do religiously for 2+ years. We have also done the couples counseling Skype with you. So here’s my question…when I follow your direction such as “have them repeat back what you said” I get , “ don’t talk to me like I’m a retard”. Hmmmmm he says he watches your videos and I suppose obviously he missed that one idk . Tough cookie tough man ….
You don't have his "buy-in" on paraphrasing... we talked about that in group!
My husband will take me out, wine and dine me, spend time with me, listen to me vent even (!) and when we come home he makes no advances on me at all… he is so passive behaving, I am constantly under the impression I am interacting with a 13 year old boy (emotionally speaking). So he doesnt make advances and neither do I, because I am not really feeling like being a mommy in this situation. So living in parallell realities 20+ years and counting. No I cannot leave. I hate people who say “you are not a tree, you can leave”. No, sometimes you are like a tree and you cannot leave. You got people depending on you. Thanks for listening to my venting…
I’m speechless everything you said is true marriage in 30 years I was confused thank you 🙏 you’re genius!!!
You are so welcome
I'm self-diagnosed ASD-1, I feel as though my love language is not "leave me alone and give me space" (or however it was phrased) - rather, my #1 love language is shared intellectual participation in a special interest, followed by physical touch. Yes, I have a very strong need for alone time, but I think that comes secondary to #1 and #2. That very well could be that we've been together for 12+ years now, and I get a considerable amount of alone time without objection already.
I disagree that the ND person “Always gets relief” from their anxiety/distress by taking part in their special interest. It may look as though we do, but unfortunately, there is NOTHING that completely relieves it.
Exactly it is just a distraction. Just a way to self soothe. And if you can’t even focus on your special interests anymore to self soothe, it’s a downward spiral.
I'm so lucky I found your channel. So informative
Welcome!
This is how it feels being an Autistic women and speaking to Allistic people (I'm always wrong, my feelings are invalid), so its interesting hearing it as a generalisation for Autistic men's behaviour
It's how it feels for autistic guys to try to talk to allistic people too. They just need an easy target (autistic people) to blame for their own behavioral deficits.
No listen also
Wow.. you are spot on and I'm halfway through, but 💯on that being my love language. I also have high empathy which I use to make sense of emotions on both side.. which usually causes me to cave.. I am sending this video to my parent and watching with my wife. I have such a hard time explaining things.. but once you mentioned what my love language really is.. that is all I complain about. I work so hard and try so hard.. and do things differently.. I just want it to be recognized. Also I have ehlers danlos, psoriatic, and Anklyosing Spondylitis.. so I'm in lots of pain and am distracted.. adhd doesn't help either. I make alot of mistakes and whoopses.. so many factors. But I can do so many amazing things. Carpentry, electrical, learning plumbing, I have 2 degrees.. my special interest... tropical shrimp breeding.. all I think about. Ok back to video.
And thank you Mark for helping me see things.. it is helping immensely!!❤
Please remember: Most ppl with ASD1 do NOT have Pathological avoidance. My son with ASD1 is way too compassionate, and empathetic. He is a teen now & brilliant at math/science, however he is not wanting to go into those fields for he worries about not making enough of a direct difference.
Most people are not capable of handling someone with ASD. As you can see from all the Women that have given up on their partner in the comments.
It's extremely HARD!
It's also extremely hard to live with yourself having ASD, let alone the other 99% of society who constantly misunderstands you.
What value do ASD people (lots of them are engineers) have in life? Perhaps they can focus on their special interests long enough to create the phones, computers you are watching this on, cars and most other modern inventions. Kind of ironic that so many people use the devices created in a large part by ASD people to criticise those same ASD people.
Don’t be unevenly yoked in your relationships. Friends, yes, but marriage, NO. Too stressful for both.
--- Group for ASD Men Struggling in Their Relationship with an NT Spouse: www.adultaspergerschat.com/2020/11/group-for-asd-men-struggling-in-their.html
--- Online Group Therapy for Neurodiverse Couples Affected by Autism Spectrum Disorder: www.adultaspergerschat.com/2020/10/mark-hutten-m.html
--- Group for Neurotypical Women Struggling in Their Relationship with an ASD Spouse: www.adultaspergerschat.com/2020/11/group-for-nt-women-struggling-in-their.html
--- Living with ASD - eBook and Audio Instruction for Neurodiverse Couples: www.livingwithaspergerspartner.com/
--- One-on-One Skype Counseling for Struggling Individuals & Couples Affected by ASD: www.adultaspergerschat.com/2019/07/skype-counseling-for-struggling-couples.html
--- Recovery from Cassandra Syndrome - Counseling for Neurotypical Spouses: www.cassandrasyndromerecovery.com/2021/08/recovery-from-emotional-deprivation-for.html
Emotional reciprocity IS vital in a committed relationship, isn't it😥? For me, an NT, it is why I looked for my last love. To share and grow these feelings. To discover that he, an ND, has such a low capacity to provide the actions and words that I need to thrive in love, is DEVISTATING.
I worked w developmentally delayed adults for 17 years, providing care, support, etc.
I feel like my relationship is an extension of that, and I am in a burnout situation. He can walk, talk, and act like a mature adult....he wanted a relationship and got one with me. And due to his asd, he has behaved like an unconscious bull in a china shop, with no thought of the consequences of his self-absorbed actions and what they have done to my heart.
There is no way to have a natural, mutually nurturing love match unless I give up on what I wanted in love.
It is the cruelest, most devastating thing to discover. I feel so tricked. If I only knew back then. I didn't know that I was going to be with an extension of my work with the developmentally delayed. This is too much for me to deal with.
@@melodiemartin438 I hear you. Where are you at in the learning timeline that you're in an ND relationship? It took me months to absorb what Mark was saying. It's all so true what he describes. I had to educate myself on all of this. At the start of this video Mark says that 80% of the time its due to the ASD man feeling anxious and or criticized. I think wives have to look at how does he treat you when he's not feeling anxious or criticized. Some men still won't connect ...but some will. Some men will learn from Mark how to connect. Some will want to learn and some won't. That's what I'm learning here. I agree with Mark, when someone feels criticized, you won't get much except their defensiveness or maybe a shut down or ASD meltdown. Which Mark has great videos on.
Wow I appreciate learning of you today because I hate head games and people want me to change and I’ve never been amazed by what people have.
I have been married for 55 years i just found out what is wrong way my husband s behavior is the way it is
40 years married and only now I understand the reason for my husband treating me like a friend and not a lover
I am asd myself, just found out, but my husband is too. Do you have content for the double asd marriage?
So I have been listening to this video and I guess the question I have is how does a NT/ND relationship ever improve unless the NT spouse just plain gives up on any of their own emotional needs from a relationship? And how is that fair to the NT spouse?
With all if that, i wonder how come they think they love someone? Why get in a relationship at all??.
I can't imagine that they feel love if they don't feel anything else... they Full of bs with that love bla bla bla....i am getting angrier every Minute...gddmb😡
I think they feel the hormones in their body that’s it.
@@ADORABEL25 that could be the answer. He says he felt connected for a moment, hè said he noticed something like a jalouse feeling for a second..
Its only s moment hè feels something.
Lack of Empathy. Masking. Blaming
Sounds a lot like
Narcissism.
@@aries4901 yup, ..if it walks like a chicken etc
After hearing these videos, I will run fro any ASD guy.
Thank you for this video. My ASD boyfriend of 3 years recently left me, and I couldn’t be more devastated. I have been crying for 5 months, and he was moved on within weeks. 😥 I have begged and pleaded. I have no hope that he will ever change his mind. I had to get a therapist just to be able to start functioning again.
Thanks for sharing!!
Sorry to hear this Chelsea. I’m in a similar position to to you. My ex of just over 3yrs ended things with me 3.5mths ago.
I can honestly say that I am finally starting to see that actually, my needs weren’t being met by him and it was a very one sided relationship I.e. me putting in all the work. I thought I was losing my mind for a good portion of the relationship, went to therapy etc.
I now see that I am worth more and without serious input from therapy he will likely not be a good partner to anyone unless maybe they have ASD too. If one partner of the neurodiverse couple has ASD & one is NT, there has to be understanding and acceptance from both sides. You’re fighting a losing battle if he won’t even acknowledge it. You’ve actually escaped a likely lonely life.
Your ex will just be repeating all the same patterns with this new person. I actually almost feel sorry for my ex’s new partner whenever he gets one because she will likely go through the same cycle as me. He might get farther as he’ll be able to mask better through certain situations but it’ll be a lonely life for her having to slot into his life, doing what he wants to do, very little compromise from him.
Change your perception of the break up. His inability to acknowledge the ASD & I’m guessing unwillingness to work on things shows how you are different; rather than ‘I put so much effort into them & they didn’t do the same for me’, see it as ‘Their lack of effort shows me that we’re different. This is clearing the way for someone who is more aligned with me’.
I’ve included some nuggets below that are helping me heal, maybe they’ll also help you heal:
Nothing that is ever meant for you will pass you by.
Rejection is redirection.
You deserve someone who thinks you’re too important to lose.
Your time is your greatest commodity in this life, it is a privilege to sit at your table. To spend time with people in this life is their greatest gift. If someone wants to let you go, let them; your time is precious, never forget your value. Focus on the people who want to be with you.
The longer you entertain what’s not for you, the longer you postpone what is.
Decide to never settle again for mixed messages, misaligned desires, dysfunctional behaviour, vagueness, coldness, indifference.
I really hope you start to feel better soon. Be kind to yourself and have compassion for yourself. You did the best you could with the knowledge and awareness you had at the time.
Am so sorry dear, take heart and take each day at a time, it shall be well
Thank god for you! You’ve been saved
Please listen carefully because Mike is 100%
"Not pointing out things he's doing wrong" - when typically it's HIS perception that she is criticizing, and she isn't. Because as You said @markhutton he Often thinks mere Comments or discussions are criticism! AND is geared up to assume conversations & questions are going to be criticizing 😢😮
Interesting how my generation says that ASD all of a sudden became a common thing. Nah, it was relatively common in the 1970’s and 1980’s also, it just wasn’t being diagnosed. I’m seeing so many comments of women saying they’ve been married 15+ years and finally have an explanation as to why their marriages seem to be failing.
I hate this.
Better be a full-blown Narcissists, is more honest.
I feel duped by my boyfriend.
Im not a narcist,its Autism so don't be mad...bla bla bla...
He is perfect for me but his mind blindness is poison.
Mind blindness is meant to keep him away from serious relationships...( I have mind blindness).😢 He is not perfect for you. The more that he is single, the more chance he will develop some insight into human relations, his feelings, his motivations, as well as those of his dog's. Feelings and motivations are non-verbally.... 😢 So, I suggest he get two compatible young dogs or puppies to live with him because dogs are extremely non-verbal but high in expression. If he learns this nonverbal communication from the dogs, then he can move on to becoming a volunteer at the local dog pound....this does wonders for learning to read animal faces, body language and vocalizations...then there is a chance for him, some hope that he can transfer this knowledge to humans 👍
Thank but not Gonna happen, he works 50 plus hour a week.
So he is not perfect for you. Leave now you still can
@@ADORABEL25 thanks, you are right. Yesterday hè said a thing that helps me to detach. He said he was going to be egotistical and with that he cut of the phonecall.
That he said he was going to be egotistic, made a coin drop in my mind. Could just be the thing I needed to understand.
She can also be logical. The problem is that she may be more logical because of higher intelligence. As autistic brain is affected what can seem perfectly logical to him, in reality not so
He gets terriblely upset when we have conflicting opinions. specially if I say no to his suggestion or offer, his anger can reach abnormal level to start threatning me. i am hurt.
Absolute misery is a good way to describe it.
That sounds like abuse. ASP is not excuse
@@ericabuchanan7260well said, so so so true. i wish i have no emotion to feel pain anymore.
@@sakuraninja9073i sometimes feel that way. last time he said he will spread rumor that i am a mental sick to abuse if i don't say yes. one day i think i will be litetally mental sick.
What do you do when you are a neurotypical partner who as a rule sees the good in your asd partner but the partner doesn't accept your affirmations?
I’d love the answer to this!
@@expresshonal I guess your partner struggles to accept affirmations but at the same time hears criticism even when it isn't there?
If they sound empty, cliche, or forced they're probably unnecessary. Make sure they seem like they're given at an appropriate time and not always for the same thing. Depending on past experiences, sometimes unprompted affirmations can be used for manipulation or have a transparently ulterior motive, so I would make sure they're not coming across like that. Especially don't follow them with some type of request!
@@dillchives yes these are the exact kind of affirmations he can't accept. He's getting into it with a therapist. Apparently it's linked to his own negative self talk and low self esteem. I guess that means I just try and be patient? He just started cognitive behavioral therapy. I'm hopeful it will give him more peace
@@kathleenherrmann436 I guess I would say to try to make sure they seem authentic and from the heart, and not as something you appear to feel obligated to do. Between my mother and ex wife, I knew that compliments and affirmations almost always came with strings attached later, so I was never able to trust they were sincere, and it was very difficult to never be able to truly believe the nice things the people close to you were saying. Sincerity from others is something autistic people are definitely not used to experiencing very often, so there's not much opportunity to practice being able to genuinely accept it.
Thank you for this channel🙏 Really great how your turn things from the different perspectives. Very hands on.
Welcome!
Your videos are spot on! Thank you!
Glad you like them!
I’ve been in a relationship with my ASD guy for 8 years now … he is lovely in every way . And is great to my 32 year olds non verbal autistic son.
I’ve tried to finish the relationship 3 times over the years . I feel so guilty as he has done me no wrong. But with no social interaction and no deep conversations. I can’t take any more .
Has anyone got any advice how I can end this with him , without hurting him ? As when I’ve tried before he just say I love you . But I say I don’t love . He doesn’t take it in. And keep repeating until I give in . And the cycle goes on until next time . I’ve lost my strength now . And I need it back as I am my sons carer. And I need my stenght back. 😢 x
Get out!
I can relate to the lack of social interaction and lack of deep conversation. It is so lonely and feels so unnerving to our nervous system. I cant believe I finally understand exactly why this was happening. I always knew he was on the spectrum but I didn't know just how much it impacted our relationship struggles. Always felt out of synch. Like we were not in flow, not in tune. I was on FM channel and he was on AM channel. Pretty much all the time. When I realized how much the autism was a part of what I felt was lacking in our relationship (and what I know I need to be healthy and feel fulfilled in a partnership), I knew it was time to end it. The truth is, if you leave you will hurt them. But at the same time, you are freeing them up to be loved by someone who does get them and can love them and feel loved by them for who they are. With us, they would have to consistently mask to meet our needs.
What would happen if you asked for deep conversation and explain what it means and even come up with the subject matter, so he doesn't have to feel he will "do it wrong" and tell him you'll start, and he can follow your cue? If he said yes to this, and it went well, you'd have to tell him you need this to happen once per week every Sunday, or something like that. Try it. not all ASD will go along with it though. WHen he says no, stay completely calm and do not talk any more. Give him one hour to think. Then ask again, with a smile. THen wait. By the next day, he will either agree, or he'll just start trying to do it. Do not criticize the way he does it. Just try to lead the conversation in the right direction.
After getting engaged and welcoming our second son he has changed. He went from being obsessed to barely touching me. The birth of our first son he didn’t come visit me in the hospital and left for work while I was in labor. He could not understand why I was upset. And nearly lost his mind becoming mean and distant. I feel stuck and lonely. I just want to be free. Im so sad. Your videos have gave me clarity. Thank you Mark.
This was me except this was me in my marriage after the birth of my second child. This was a huge life transition for me (suspected ASD). Life changes and transitions are often a huge challenge. I was the one withholding intimacy and connection which ultimately led to him divorcing me. Now I have insight that I have issues with transitions and am learning coping skills. Maybe your husband needs someone to help him cope with the life changes.
My story as well. As life becomes complex and involves more people, social and emotional skills become more important. The ASD person tend to disconnect and shut down - and worse, blame the NT spouse. Because of mind blindness, only one point of view is accepted and no resolution is possible. Immensely painful and sad.
"Stop speaking about what he is doing wrong" in ANY form is sooo spot on!!! It equates to complaints. Even if he says it. Don't agree with him!!!
My ASD husband isn't doing tasks or working, loses all his jobs. He loves his kids. I am completely lost as I have 5 kids still in the home and homeschooling and can't, or have no clue how to work. I Airbnb two of the three bedrooms in my house. Help!
Hi there. I have been dating someone with asd for 10 months and so far it's good. We had some issues in the beginning but as Im learning more about it Im understanding him more and we have less problems. I thought he was narcissistic at first but he is capable of real empathy so I know its not that. All these things you have said here I can relate to and if I apply these basic rules of attitude towards him we get on amazingly. Im a Highly Sensitive Person and an also an Empath (so I can sense what he is feeling) so we seem to have some overlapping traits. I wonder if this is why we get on so well?
Thoughts anyone?
Make and cherish friends who know what you’re experiencing with him and can support you - you will grow from this relationship but will need support to not feel alone in the relationship.
That's great to hear. If you go into a relationship knowing he has ASD and you are an HSP you are ahead of those of us who did not know this information going in. Personally I believe that NTs who value logic can have good relationships with pple on the spectrum. That doesn't mean not being HSP. HSPs value emotions and can also value logical approaches to problem solving especially problems that require completion of a task. As an HSP I value logic and strategic planning as well as appreciating the role of emotions in our relationships. What Mark has taught me is that sometimes we want an emotional experience and sometimes we want a strategy for success. For example I don't "feel" my way through doing laundry. I approach it strategically. Its a task not an emotional experience.
I think some of us can make these ND relationships work well once we understand the role of emotions. When someone (with or without ASD) invalidates my emotions and tells me I am weak for being empathic that is where I part ways with that person. They need to see a value in the HSP traits I possess. I see value in empathy and in logic. They both have a role in getting through life. Sounds like you have found this as well!
@@musica4567 thank you! I agree on many things you've said here and yes I do value logic as an hsp because I need to feel comfortable and to be that I have to approach problem solving logically so Im less likely to feel overwhelmed. I also research everything to arm myself with knowledge and make sure I can handle the situation. I initially did not think I was equipped to be able to deal with his initial apparentlylack of empathy when I get emotional as he did say the right words but I didn't FEEL it. However now I feel because we have spent so much time together he has learned to be able to gauge my emotions a lot better. I also make sure I dont sound like Im criticising him or telling him what to do. I just express my needs and give him a task that I know he can confidently achieve, he likes paying for me to get a massage or taking me for a drive. This way I feel happier Im getting his attention and he can feel successful in keeping me happy, I believe he has come a long way since we first met too. He had extremely high levels of anxiety and low libido now he has a lot more confidence and seems to be a lot stronger. I do believe we are good for each other as he has stability and regular routines and that helps me to be a bit more grounded.
At least Mark warned you that dating phase and married responsibilities are a different ballgame.
He is giving it his all right now, because he is truly interested .
The pressures in marriage with less personal space will ramp his anxiety level and create issues to navigate.
You have this videos to help.
One thing I would tuck into your tool belt...
" It is not personal."
He is stressed and his brain has shut down.
Enjoy the ride.
@@Raminakai will take all this info on board thank you!
What if you have a relationship where neither person is NT but the female is adept at and expected to mask?
I'm falling apart. He calls me a narcissist etc and has had me cut my friends and family off who I spoke to very carefully explaining what we have both done to set each other off. And i only spoke about personal things to very few people but hes sure that word has spread to the whole world. They are so worried about me and some wished i would leave. I'm never going to leave because its not biblical. I just dont want to hit a nervous breakdown.
People with personality disorders, at least some of them, actually enjoy hurting people on purpose. People with ASD don’t even know they’re doing it.
Different motives?
Same HURT.. bottom line.
19 minutes in. Exactly what symptoms I have. I need to heal my condition with diet. I have all those symptoms I believe due to extreme stress from various causes over last few years. One main one being marriage crisis during the covid circus lunacy. I have ADD and I suspect he has ASD.
life changing thank you so much. You are very wise and clearly an expert
So nice of you
My biggest challenge is the catastrophising. It is like sitting in a little boat on a calm lake, and all of a sudden someone comes and tips the boat over, I swim back to the boat and the other person just watches, with no ability to understand what happened, and worse, says no when I ask them to pass me a towel
My husband decided to work in a different country in November. We were doing my IVF treatment in July. I asked him if he would go if I get pregnant and he said "yes I need to take care of myself." I stopped doing IVF and was so heartbroken. Who would do this, i thought. He is all the things mentioned in the video. I am now planning to study abroad as I am still young. I don't have the strength to divorce him. But I don't have the strength to live with him and make his babies either. Now he has started beating me too when he gets angry. He's a big man. I am scared.
I am so sorry :(
Please seek help for yourself. ASD is never an excuse to abuse someone. It is wrong to abuse another person. Do some research indy trauma bonds and reach out to an abuse hotline. This will never get better and no one is coming to save you. You have to save yourself.
LEAVE do NOT tolerate physical abuse full stop. It could save your life-Violence tends to escalate. Call domestic abuse hotline if you need to. They have resources to help!
It's a trauma bond not love. Please save yourself. It's toxic. Honor yourself ❤
Leave please leave!!!! How are you today ?
Mind blindness is meant to keep him away from serious relationships...( I have mind blindness).😢 Mind - blindness partners are not for anyone...no one enjoys the relationship... especially not the children. The more that a person with mind-blindness remains single, the more chance that person will develop some insight into human relations, their own feelings and motivations. Feelings and motivations are generally non-verbal.... 😢 So, I suggest someone with mind-blindness get two compatible young dogs or puppies to adopt. Dogs are generally non-verbal but they are high in expression. Learning nonverbal communication from the dogs, will help anyone become more visually alert and emotionally sensitive ....this does wonders for learning to read animal faces and human faces, body language and vocalizations. There is a chance for those of us to learn to communicate, some hope that this newly gained knowledge can transfer to our human relationships 👍
How can you say that she is only perceiving a distance from her partner as the relationship goes on and there in fact is more distance from the other partner? It's not really perception It's actual. If he gets more interested in hobbies, work etc then the distance is not only perceived, its actually happening.
re: " she is only perceiving a distance" -- where did I say that?
12:40 to 12:46
@@amberm5626 not exactly... I said she is downloading his behavior in a certain way, but her download is still her truth... she's using the only filter she has to make sense of things. So...... "she is only perceiving a distance" ..... Yes in a sense, but her perception is real to her. He's not technically "creating" distance (although it may appear that way). If he were, he would be proactive with the forethought "How can I push her away and keep here away."
@markhutten Thank you. I understand the distance isn't necessarily intentional, and at the same time her perception is correct because there is an increase in distance. I do understand that both parties need to take care of there own business. Thanks again.
When I met my husband he told me all about the ex wife and how she treated him, the words she would “use against him” and now he used those same words he would yell to her now on me!! He says I’m out to get him I’m always criticizing him I want to stop on him! I feel like im in the twilight zone with him😡
Hello Mark, what happens if the ASD man is diagnosed, uses his diagnosis as an excuse to be cruel all the time, he is verbally abusive, emotionally abusive, psychologically abusive, financially abusing and physically abusive? Can this person change?
Abuse is abuse regardless of the motivation. ASD is neither reason nor excuse for you to put up with it.
It’s time to leave sweetie. Quickly if possible. Go while there is still life in you.
does anyone have a ND spouse who is on the spectrum but is super social as their main interest, out all the time with friends and has 20000 buddies, but clearly misses all emotional social cues, doesn't bond or respond emotionally, always with logic, draws their energy from the sensory experience and being liked and invited out. At home they kind of dial out like a dormant robot in front of the TV.
I'm afraid to comment bc i think he'd see it..😢.. I'm so paranoid. I pray God will let him see this. Btw besides all the other sickness you spoke of. Now I'm showing signs of having painful deformities in my hands ... my grandmother didn't show signs until like 80 yrs old I'm 53...