Living Together Before Marriage - Does It Help Or Hurt The Relationship?
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- เผยแพร่เมื่อ 11 ต.ค. 2022
- Will living together before marriage increase a couple's likelihood of divorce? We're excited to dive into it because we have research as well as experience that we have seen to help people navigate how to make the best decision in their relationship in order to have the strongest marriage, because that's what we care about.
Because of the fact that we work with marriages, maybe we should start with this.
Why would being married be better than cohabitating?
In the sense of what it does for society?
And for people?
Let's talk about whether or not living together before marriage will make the marriage stronger or weaker.
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There’s a difference with renters and buyers. Profound
But you would never buy a house you've only seen from the outside!
@@TJ-kk5zfEspecially if there were other renters before you, probably loved for free yet you must pay the full price for the house, no questions asked.
@@DJPapzin no. I ask questions
Fascinating!
I think I dodged a bullet. My husband and I were living together for 2years before we married.
We have been married legally for 18years now, and just last month we said 'yes' to each other for the sacrament of holy matrimony.
We're very much in love still!
But I guess our saving grace was that we were planning to get married before we moved in together. And for our autistic behinds, this already meant commitment!
Though it is very fascinating to see that we both are much more sure and relaxed of each other now that we said our vows before God. Now we have a covenant that nothing can distroy.
And we were not even aware we had something missing all those years!
Living together before marriage frequently does not lead to marriage, because there is no sense of obligation, commitment and trust
We often hear that by living together, they will learn more about each other, their habits, routine etc, but if we haven't learned that when dating, this is just an excuse. Love and marriage are not just a paper that means nothing, and if a couple lives together before marriage, deep inside they know that they are not made one for another. And cohabitation is just a more acceptable word for fornication. It is a great video. I agree with you. Greetings from an Orthodox Christian. God bless.
I totally agree with you Sister.
Well said from an Orthodox Christian as well.
Most people stay in bad relationships after cohabitating, and the reality that many people cohabitate and find themselves unhappy is proof society is building bad people. Not proof cohabitating is bad. If you’re unhappy cohabitating, you’re unhappy in marriage. Realizing your don’t like marriage before marriage, doesn’t stop people from getting married. And people being bad spouses, woman taught men won’t care for them so they need independence, and constant proof a woman can ruin your life after marriage, creates a large deficit between the trust of men and woman. That’s the problem. We are anti family and anti relationship in America. We get what we built.
Im glad you said it like it is..
Im not married yet but im saving myself for marriage..
I always had the idea that you live thogetter and then you get married,
but now I see it makes way more sense.. Its like after you are married, you give each other the gift to spend the rest of your life with only that person..
And so then it totally makes sense to move in with that other person after marriage. Its beautiful!
I love this guidance and content. Thank you guys
Thanks for posting this important discussion 💟
Asking someone to live with you is like telling them that they are good enough for now until someone better comes along. My now husband knew he'd marry two weeks into dating and made it known to our parents and our pastor. Be with a man who would boldly chooose you.
Thanks for standing up for God's plan.
Very true! I know more than one couple who lived together for many years (12 years in one case) and then got divorced shortly after getting married!
My sister did that too
Most likely cause they got married for the wrong reasons,this is why the divorce rate is up so high.
@@tinahuttner7280 Possibly. But I’m assuming that they would be the same reasons they got them to move in together in the first place. I can think of a few, like wanting to start a family, love, company (avoiding loneliness), financial, physical attraction, shared interests, etc. which one(s) could be classified as “wrong reasons”?
Who initiated the divorce
@@samuelrigaud6595it's obvious
Yes you're saying that it's something official and has to be recognized and supported by others
Great conversation!! Thank you for sharing your points. I am 100% on it. Would you mind share the sources of your researches? I would like to dig deep into it and bring that up to a couple friends. Thanks!
I am happy that you have this video.
Living together is serving me, myself and I, not the other person. This is not love.
Thank you for standing up for what
Living together definitely puts a false understanding on the relationship, which will have a negative effect after marriage
The main deciding factor on if people who cohabitate stay together after marriage is *if both parties have the same long term relationship goals and are committed*
People being on two different levels leads to asymmetry in commitment levels
VERY WELL SAID DR. JOE BEAM ! KUDOS TO YOU BOTH MS. KIM & MY FAVORITE DR. BEAM !
You both are wonderful
I agree! And the relationship between Goldie Hawn and Kurt and what most people don’t know is that there were several breakups between them over the years that they have been cohabitating and one of them moved out during the relationship so they always had that back door option to exit when things got rough. I don’t doubt that they care for each other BUT it’s not what it appears to be.
Cohabitation is likewise a "Trial and Error Method." No commitment because one of them is or both of them are not sure in their relationship.Easily come and easily go situation.😭
The rules that apply to dating/ whether living together or not, are a different set of rules, responsibilities and expectations than in a marriage
How do you express this to someone who tried doing things the right way and still got very hurt in the end? I see what you guys are saying, but what about people who have loved, married first and then lost?
Were you both equally yoked?
I get what your saying cause one of my girlfriends did every thing she dead supposed to do in the Christian way. Unfortunately though her husband ended up cheating on her not once but twice w the same chic. She’s now been married to a different guy for I don’t know how many years now, but they did move in together before they got married.
But I think it depends on if the gal makes marriage a requirement which a lot don’t now these days. This is a just a simple fact that I’m stating.
@@Faithfullfertilitytv I'm not talking about me, but I would say no they weren't. I'm trying my best to tell him that it won't be the same with me, but I'm not sure it's helping. Please pray for us.
Cohabitation is like trial and error method. If it is doesn't work, they can quit anytime because they have no commitment .Both of them are losers in that situations. Couple who are not sure in their relationship, should not cohabitate or don't get married to avoid regrets.
What about prenuptial agreements?
You just can't build with a renter, and I've learned thatvyou can pretty much distinguish within a couple of dates if you know what to look for and questions to ask.
Dr. Joe, I soo appreciate and admire the way you and Alice remarried... God's way. Both of you honoring God, and being humble in reconciliation. It's such a testimony to obeying God... to putting aside feelings and pride, and obeying God. The two f you are living a testimony to God.
Jesus said to her, “You are right when you say you have no husband. 18 The fact is, you have had five husbands, and the man you now have is not your husband. What you have just said is quite true.”
And Jesus said all of that while being single.
I disagree, I think the issue is more complex than just cohabitation. And marriage does not imply commitment. Also, the core reason for marriage as described is simply a form of self manipulation. Stating that you are getting married to force yourself into commitment, less you embarrass yourself, community, your partnet or have to deal with complications of divorce. Tbh, I think cohabitation is good thing, understanding how another person functions when your constantly in their space prior to making a serious commitment like marriage is smart. If the relationship fails at cohabitation, it would have failed in marriage. And if you jump in marriage with the commitment described in the video, you are in essence forcing yourself to deal with relationship, instead of wanting to deal with the relationship. Commitment is also a two way street, a big issue with marriage is increased expectations, and not having the maturity to properly navigate a relationship to being with.
People don't wanna get married these days that's the hurtful truth 💔
Think it’s mostly cause w a lot of women they want kids but they just want to make sure the guy takes his responsibilities for his kids, as long as they do that. A lot of women don’t want a guy to have to look after the guy to take care of her, it’s insulting to her,her attitude is mostly I can take care of myself.
Men dosen't want to because of the government
@@samuelrigaud6595 ya that’s another factor but also it’s how much your invested in the relationship on both sides.
Getting married nowadays is very expensive in that the cost of living is too high and men don't want to make that commitment
@@jeanjoseph7905 ya if you don’t budget it is. Spend thousands of $$ on a dress your only going to wear once,depending on the venue,have it catered in stead of buffet.
I noticed from the very beginning that not once did either one of them mention the marriage covenant includes God. Secondly, I noticed that from the beginning they both iterated "between two people" . Marriage according to the Scriptures are between a man and a woman. Joe, I was a little surprised on this one.
The government doesn't care about God
Yeah they are side stepping scripture for the woke
When you come between the renters and buyers of this division we become multiplied by this society” when adding to this teeny tiny discussion we against the world may seem small but it’s bigger than we all think. You may want to listen to the price is right or just simply understanding the couple in general. Which do you prefer?
And a difference between community and couples. Now if we are all apart of politics which we’re all voting for something right. Now if we think the price is right because of the economy for our families and our people where do we go after the outcome?
Some people get married multiple times and, yet, are renters during the marriage. Renters want easy... they don't want problems... they don't want accountability... they don't want responsibility... they don't want the work and maintainence requred for a happy, committed relationship. They like the benefits of a marriage as long as they don't have to make the sacrifices of accountability, responsibility, and maintainence. They will give and participate as long as it doesn't require sacrifice.
I've been renting with my partner for 10 years. We are more committed to each other than many married couples that we know. And we both have made tremendous sacrifices for each other.
How about instead of judging others for doing things differently than you, why don't you mind your own business?
How can you seriously make such a generalisation? Some couples have no financial option but to rent. Some couples prefer not to be tied down to one place and enjoy travelling the world. Some couples need to rent because their jobs require them to relocate often. Mortgage literally means ‘death pledge’ in French and some people don’t want that lifelong commitment and death pledge to the Bank to eventually own a house 30 years later.
@@worldmusictheory You misunderstand. They are not using the term “renting” in the usual way. They are not using the word in the literal meaning as in renting a house or apartment. What they are doing is equating “renting” to the concept of living together rather than getting married. In other words, living together “renting” requires less commitment than getting married “buying”. They are using these terms to explain the difference in the level of commitment when comparing living together versus marriage.
But WHY do we HAVE to marry to take on all of this hardship and work you laid out?? We don't have to. Jesus and God were never married, and they know more than me.
Instead of focusing on getting people to marry, get them to get in the mindset of why marriage is desirable. The western world has made marriage very undesirable for men and even some women.
For men*
Marriage is not that desirable. Alot of needless stress and we don't have to take on that hardship, just because society expects us to.
Ideally. a committed marriage is best. But family courts makes the risk of a marriage license too great. Many men end themselves from wrong commiting. Please talk about prenups next.
People here saying “why buy a car without test driving it” comparing that to living together, uhm you can get to know someone purely by dating 🙄 do you need to test drive a car 24/7 to know if it will work? No. Same with relationships, you dont need to live together first to know if it willl work. Afterall if you can test something for free 24/7, would you even want to commit to it? Cant build a relationship with renters.
What is living together before or outside of marriage? a) A selfish decision to use another person (in various ways) but keep open the possibility of abandoning that person if something difficult arises or something better comes along. b) A weak concession to the desires of another person in the hope of an honest commitment/decision in the future. (Usually there is one of each)
As opposed to getting married, where you secure another person as your property that you can then use whenever you like, and you can bully them into submission if they get the courage to stand up for themselves.
How about you mind your own business and other people will mind theirs???
@@LaughingStock55 Maybe that's how YOU would make a marriage, but that's not a recipe for a successful one.
@@LaughingStock55 well. Ok then. Why are you here? That isn’t what a real marriage is, “owning” somebody. To me you’ve been sold a bill of goods. By somebody. But I do wish you luck in your endeavors, however. ✌️
Did you know people are allowed to get divorces?
@@tilu3303 finally someome with a little more opened mind 👌
20 years unmarried lived together since the first month of dating will be together for 20 more and 20 more etc. Marriage doesn't matter what matters is finding a person who you can have a good relationship with and both working towards each other's happiness
You both are great and give some excellent advice but if I had an adult daughter and son, I could not recommend a state marriage license for the boy. Statistically, men get ruined in court if the women decides she isn’t happy and wants to leave for any reason.
Thanks for commenting. While we don't know the statistics you are referring to, we DO know that divorce hurts ALL parties involved. That's why it's our goal to PREVENT divorce and to make a marriage better than it was to begin with. Wouldn't it be great if marriage was viewed as something wonderful instead of avoiding it because of the possibility of getting divorced?
@@MarriageHelperit's a 50% of getting divorced, something to be extremely worried about.
As a long divorced woman, Iresent that comment. My ex was set up almost immediately and remarried within a year. Weh hada large family and I bore the brunt of most of th echildrearing Divorcess are not sought after in the dating pools. For the most part end up spending the rest of their lives searching in hopes of finding someone new, but rarely do. Few friends try to set us up, everyone assumes we're managing just fine, nobody asks if we're interested in meeting someone. More often than no t, nobody really thinks of us at all. Other women really detest men and claim they don't ever want another. Either way, we have to be really resilient and independent in an unsupportive society, which largely places women at fault for the divorce, regardless of what a louse the husband might have been, irresponsible or had an affair, etc..
awesome don't be used
Can't allow to make me rush my relationship
The Problem is when she did say yes to you and says yes to anyone ...,
😀
Living together couples have to use the term 'um-friend' whenever in a social setting. Yes, this is sally my 'um-friend'.
Commitment is a two way street, a big issue with marriage is increased expectations, and not having the maturity to properly navigate a relationship to begin with.
Your statistics doesn't tell us anything about all those protentional married couples, who didn't marry at all and split up before even moving in together because of their separate households being in the way and not understanding the need for building intimacy and independence and instead piling up negativity between the couple because of the lack of individual freedom, much easier to do when you don't live with your family VS family responsibility (like taking your mom's dog for a walk in the middle of your cuddling your significant other).
What you say about "do not try it out, if you don't think you can commit" sounds right in theory, but sometimes you really want to see what a relationship with this person will actually be like if you could use the kitchen and not feel like you offend their mother's rules by example using the wrong sponge for the dishes.
There will always be little things that pop up in a relationship. Living together before marriage will NEVER expose every little problem you will face. The marriage covenant can give someone the grit that comes with building a life with someone. The main thing people should do is pray about their decision to marry a given person. When couples have children, there are situations that will arise that you could never imagine would/could become problems. There is NO WAY around having some type of conflict (disagreement) in the marriage relationship. The primary position people need to have when approaching marriage is being willing to become self-less and make your spouse's needs your own needs. If each partner does this, conflict will be minimized.
He said that marriages the kids securities.... but to be honest I often wished it wasn't that secure as a child....
of course are married couples more comitted.... it costs a lot of money.
But how would you explain that there are Christians who would wait marriage before living together are splitting and divorcing while thousand of non-christian lived together and are still together after marriage?
Gods plan is ALWAYS the best
Why do you think that god has a plan for everybody?
that’s a great Drake song I agree
@@marquisdehoto1638 Because he is the one that made us, and He made us for a reason: to know Him and be with Him.
@@juanranger4214 And why did he make so many bad people?
@@marquisdehoto1638 He didn’t. He gave us free will and we deliberately denied Him. The evil that exists in this world comes from our disobedience to Him.
If am doing all my best to show a lady how deep I love her and care so much about her but she is being ungrateful by showing me telling me that am so desperate over her and also am so obsessed with her !!! Which type of advice are going to give me,so that I could solve my situation.
They will give you advice to make the situation worse...
Most people stay in bad relationships after cohabitating, and the reality that many people cohabitate and find themselves unhappy is proof society is building bad people. Not proof cohabitating is bad. If you’re unhappy cohabitating, you’re unhappy in marriage. Realizing your don’t like marriage before marriage, doesn’t stop people from getting married. And people being bad spouses, woman taught men won’t care for them so they need independence, and constant proof a woman can ruin your life after marriage as a man, creates a large deficit between the trust of men and woman. That’s the problem. We are anti family and anti relationship in America. We get what we built.
So how exactly is living together with a lease and combined lived and responsibilities easier to walk away from then say idk simply just dating someone and having your own place and having no sense of commitment other than a label? Personally I think marriage is a huge deal not to be taken lightly. So why just jump in when you don’t know everything you’re getting into? By this logic if you’re willing to commit to a relationship why date. There aren’t any real consequences of breaking up. Why not just marry when you decide you want to explore options so that you’re trapped and forced to make it work no matter what. Who wouldn’t want to be stuck in a loveless draining marriage?
Marriage is a commitment that brings stability and assurance.
Financial intertwine is in the western laws that are not very fair and make marriage bad.
Assurance for who, the woman
@@samuelrigaud6595
For husband, wife, and kids.
@@Agent.K. husband should be last on the list
@@samuelrigaud6595
I disagree. It might be true in the western world with their unjust laws.
Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free? 🥛
its a long time I heard that
Divorce proceedings are more expensive then moving companies. Go figure
Yes, I think fear is the reason most people can't marry. I know that's why I can't.
my wife also has this dress lol
The problem isn’t marriage , it’s having the State invited into your private life. Those are the laws that disadvantaged men in almost all circumstances and the state becomes the woman’s husband. Until this becomes fair and balanced for both genders, marriage has no place in modern relationships.
⚠️ Christian or not the state don't rule over the Bible
That's why cohabitation is increasing, the government is creating lonely women, broke men and setting up kids for failure
Don't fall for the religious claptrap. I've had both. Believe me, you want to know what you're getting into! The house analogy breaks down in that you would never buy a house that you'd only seen from the outside. And let's ask this dude how his first marriage went and how he met his second wife😂😂😂
How did he meet his second wife?
@@Xxpinkstars89xX affair
Depends on the maturity and intentions of the couple. There is no black and white answer to this. For me, it led to a very successful marriage living with each other prior to marriage. Marriage is a commitment and choice. If you are committed and have goals together, you're already on the step to marriage. I know just as many couples who have divorced after realizing they don't know how to live together with someone else, let alone someone they felt they loved, after marriage. The strain is difficult where one couple I knew stated it was hard to find compromise in their differences where they would normally seperate themselves when things got uncomfortable before. Rent is definitely better to do rather than own first together, but just because you're married doesn't mean your relationship is more successful when you decide into buying a home. It depends on the goals and maturity and commitment of the couple involved. Rushing into anything or depending on milestones when it comes to making a decision are the culprits of failure, not the choice of living with someone or not before marriage.
Do you buy shoes without trying them on?
SMH
Fun fact marriage is the leading cause of divorce once you get married then the dynamic changes in the power control then comes the abuse thinking that you have to tolerate it because you’re married living together before marriage usually is not a problem it’s only once that marriages involve that living together becomes a problem
I have been married for 25 years and just one marriage. Now that I’ve done it I can say there is literally no reason to get married. It is just a piece of paper. 5:09
Then there must not be any other kind...
It is not just a "piece of paper." If you think so, then you obviously didn't take your marriage vows and commitment seriously.
You couldn’t be more wrong.
Thanks for sharing
so youre basicly saying your marriage means nothing then,
its just a piece of paper.
Dont you love the man you married?
I thought that was the whole point, to love, respect and honor the other person, who cares about a paper
People are always more damaged than they know.
If co-habiting hurts or destroys the relationship, you dodged a bullet.
If you are practicing Muslim or Christian, its frowned upon to live together outside of marriage
According to who
@@samuelrigaud6595 according to God, your maker
@@osmanrayyan allah?
@@samuelrigaud6595 yes
consider that men now have little reason to get married. they take all the risks unless the women has equal or close to it income and or career. this debate has been going on for decades.
the problem with it as i see it is that it fails to take into account the culture change that has transpired over those decades. not to mention the data collected has limited ability to survey such large population. the key question is what is the marriage rate vs singles . less people may be not living together but not getting married as well
Marriage today has a divorce rate of 80 to 90 percent ! Issac Abraham's son cohabitated!
We can talk about statistics but not those ones, let's focus on the 10-20%
Unless things change 10 or 20 percent won't be worth it! People unfortunately aren't discipled! Selfish people marrying selfish people end badly! Instead of serving one another! Like it should be! Ideas have consequences! Poor parenting for sure!
What about jesus mother and father joseph, should he have lived with mary as he was doing before living together he treated her like wife etc, were they an exception
Is this religious based advice?
Is something wrong with the advice?
Is that why "fear" run rampant in black people because the families are destroyed by lacking in having that covenant of marriage and father figures in the home? Because we are so fearful in so many areas of our lives.
dont "play house" grow up and commit to another person first.
Fascinating thought.
Without a deep emotional commitment, playing house becomes an emotional fantasy.
Like a longer version of television. Escapism, almost.
Escapism is a large part of the problem these days.
Why do you have to pay the government for a license to get married? Is marriage illegal without a license?
I'd like to know more about that too
unfortunately no.. the government has stepped in so much. even if you "got married" without the license, the state/country wouldn't recognize you are married. it sucks.. but at the same time even in death nothing can be done legally without a death certificate. of all things governmenty.. i think a marriage license can slide.. one step to take to spend the rest of your lives together
Because we live under the illusion that government and liberty can coexist peacefully.
Think it has more to do w taxes cause once you get married,do you really think the government won’t take more money? It’s very much like the more a individual makes the more taxes they have to pay.
Perhaps the people in long term living together relationships might not be tempted to be mean to each other because the devil has already won. They should not live together without marriage. It is a win for the devil. So, why wouldn't the devil encourage them to stay together in a relationship that should not be?
Is this a Christian show or something? I get that if you're coming from a religious background that you would have a bias toward cohabitation before marriage. But just because you have a specific set of beliefs does not mean that everyone else operates the same way. I cohabitate with my fiancé on and off throughout the week because we are saving up for a venue. Does that mean our relationship is doomed to fail? Lol so close-minded.
stop trying to justify your immorality. If you do not like Christian shows, then why in the world are you here? Where you forced?
@@tonyebiere551 Where did you get the idea this is a Christian show?
You don’t buy a car without test driving it…
You don’t have to live together to get to know someone. Date often.
I agree with your premise with young people but find your premise somewhat off with older perhaps divorced individuals. As each of us were married before we couldn't meet your criteria. We also did a lot of sleeping together prior to being married. I suppose we messed that idea up also. I can say we have been married over 40 years so something went right, huh?
Marriage is committed covenant relationship between a man and a woman, as God defined it, not between two people.
Marriage is between a man and a woman. They say in the video that it’s “two people.” It’s like they’re scared of saying the “wrong thing.”
Marriage is for the women, divorce is for the women. Men always lose either way. Its financially better and less stressful for men to remain single.
yeah i was gonna say, this is all I've been hearing all over social media for the past few years... i dont know how to respond to that..
Marriage benefits both if you practice the iron sharpens iron approach of enriching each other. I for one advanced in my career much more quickly than I would've if I was only providing for myself and didn't have my spouse behind me.
@@tilu3303 pshh I always say that. If I didn't have a spouse I'd be chilling not pushing myself at all
How would you define marriage as a committed covenant relationship between two people, that is flawed and i expected better from this channel based on the work you have been doing over the period. With the bible as our manual and guide, we know that marriage is the exclusive committed covenant between a man and a woman. I don't think we should be afraid to say the truth just as it is, no matter what the world believes to be "their right". God is not an author of confusion, it takes a man and a woman to be joined together in marriage, period. You don't have to sugar coat it.
Two people “man & Woman”
Some good stuff, but..... you foolishly link biblical marriage with the government marriage PERMIT. It is way past time for the Church to separate marriage from the state.
foolishly? You have a way with words
For the life of me I can't understand you pro-marriage people. You almost act like we HAVE to get married. If you aren't compatible.....LEAVE.....life is short, and you don't get box seats in heaven for staying miserably married for 40 years. What you do get is a death bed filled with regret, because you stayed miserably married, because somebody told you, you HAVE to.
Listen - you are very very foolish if you think not living together would save your marriage, you are deluded. There is only one way to have a good marriage and it’s to focus on your marriage; regardless of cohabitation or not. This is silly advice that people want to hear rather than putting in work on marriage
You say covenant but can't bring yourself to say man and woman. 🤢 I'll show myself out.
Yup