Sexual Rejection
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Why did noone ever tell me that Rejection Sensitivity Dysphoria was a thing and that it's based in ADHD?!?!?!? That explains SO MANY THINGS for me...
I'm feeling the exact same thing lol
adhd groups yyyyyeeeaaaaaaaahhhhhhh
First time hearing about it. It's not only applicable to sexual situations is it? If not it would explain so much...
@@arrowinmygluteusmaximus yep, it’s not only applicable to sex.
Oof. likewise...
This needs to be a part of every teen sexual education course.
Many states barely allow any real education on sex. It needs to be changed but can't in our current system
@@ceoatcrystalsoft4942 you can also opt out
I agree and a reminder course should be mandatory between 25-27.
Most sexplanations videos fit that description
100%
Dr. Lindsey, this video couldn’t have come at a better time. I’ve been dealing with getting rejected by my partner lately and it was really painful. My response unfortunately lined up with some of the examples you demonstrated... but I feel a lot more equipped to handle it in the future. Thank you!
Same bro, I’m guilty of some of these things too but it was my first relationship. You apologize, learn, and improve. If and when you don’t get rejected it’ll feel amazing cause you’ll know they’ll actually want you rather than having the shame of trying to guilt em into something.
Good to find someone recovering, but you know psychic pain is kind of proportional to depth of commitment. If someone broke your heart, that was only possible because you gave that person said heart. There's always a choice -- even if it's not entirely a conscious one -- between loving and staying safe from disappointment.
I read a story very recently about how this guy asked a woman out on a date, but she said no. So, he didn't ask her again. She lamented to a friend she had wanted him to "try harder", but he took "no" to *mean* "no". Rejection hurts like bloody hell, and can make a person give up trying. But, it can also backfire.
That is such a weird phenomenon...
If some people indeed say "no" but mean "try harder", then they're muddling the waters for everyone and frankly setting people up to fail.
I've never observed it myself, but it feels like something a person would only do if they were very self-focused and possibly also simultaneously really needing ego validation...?
I feel like there's another factor that makes rejection so difficult to comprehend and handle. We as a society tend to over push the "everyone will get there win/day/moment" idea. You'll get that job that'll set you up. You'll make it as an artist that'll take off. And when it comes to relationships and sex, you will find someone who'll want you and you'll have a chance at a relationship. Trust me as an autistic, this set up for me one of the most difficult barriers to work around and once I did I was left with a very harsh reality. While I can't speak for other forms of thinking, autism a lot of the time tends to go the route of very literal, precise, almost robotic thinking. Emotions are still there, but it's ran through a very strong logic filter which in turn leads to thinking very bluntly as well as taking every comment as literal as possible.
The issues is that when you tell someone like me and others that "their time will come" for anything, that statement is very matter of fact and we stop thinking less of what it'll take to get there and more of when is this thing I was told that would absolutely get come into my life. The hard truth is there's a likely chance we won't have many of the things we're striving for or they turn out unsatisfactory. When it comes to sex, the rejection isn't just not getting your moment with someone you desire, it's the possibility that you might never succeed. I've had to wrestle with the possibility that I'll die alone. I've only had sex once in my entire life and I'm about to turn 35 in a few months. This doesn't distress me because not having sex is a sign I'm failing as a man or anything like that, it's distressing me because I just want to have life experiences. I want to explore and try things in my and say when I'm 91 about to pass that did all these things and I'm happy I did. It's very possible I turn 91 and I did hardly any of them, I'm more aware and a level of accepting of it but I can't necessarily find peace or be happy with the fact.
Sorry for this being long and rambly, I just felt this is another key element as to why rejection is so difficult for people beyond just the denial of a fun time.
I read what you wrote and I empathise.
This was a great read. Thank you for sharing and I’m glad you made this realization
Great perspective and articulation. I think people in general can relate to the bulk of what you said. Also I think the fullness of your life depends on you. Society tells you what's great and what's not. To add to what you said, you have to choose what's right for you. Depending on what kind of person you are having simple experiences is enough and vice versa.
I very much empathize with your situation and am in the same boat myself. However, I wouldn't draw such nihilistic conclusions. Keep fighting.
I am 26, cis female and still a virgin. I don't think I will ever be able to lose my virginity since I'm not able to form relationships with anyone. I just have to accept that.
I somewhat recently made advances on my BF. He said “I’m not in the mood right now.” I said oh okay ok so sorry! But I still felt very rejected and don’t feel comfortable initiating sex now. It is ALWAYS okay to say no! Can we talk about why I still feel like I can’t ask for what I need? Not blaming anyone at all! Literally just a serious question. Love you all.
I’ve struggled with this too! There are a few things I’ve found helpful. The first thing was to bring up how I was feeling to my partner, making sure to make it clear that I didn’t need a change in behavior from them, but I wanted to bring it up because so I knew I had them as support for working through this. For me, I found that just bringing it up and acknowledging it helped a lot. I’ve also found it really helpful to practice being rejected by being prepared when I went into the same situation the next few times and sitting with my feelings after and letting myself realize that even though I felt rejected and hurt in the moment, I knew my partner still loved me and that the rejection didn’t reflect on me in any way.
Something thats slightly different but still related to asking for what you need is something my partner and I do where we acknowledge and give positive reinforcement to the other when they state their boundaries. It really helped me to be able to express my needs, made me feel so much safer with my partner, and it let me look at rejection as it being a positive thing, seeing it as the communication between my partner and I being strong and showing that we’re both feeling safe and secure with each other.
I hope you find this helpful!
First and foremost, it's vital to ask yourself how do you feel about the situation. What kind of emotions do you experience? Are they strong, or just nagging somewhere at the back of your head?
As a guy I think that in a relationship talking is always healthy. So yes you should talk about your feelings, especially you should talk when your SO did something that make you hurt, even if he/she didn't mean to.
As a note of caution I would say not to bring it up immediately: in that case it could seems like you are trying to guilt tripping for having sex right now.
Honestly after getting rejected for weeks at a time I stopped even asking, hoping it would make him feel less pressured and he’d eventually initiate himself.
He didn’t.
We broke up and I found someone later who matches my libido.
(I did try communicating with him but he refused to talk about sex so there was really no other option)
No offense, but sometimes if a partner rejects your sexual advances, it could be that you’re just not “good at it”.... it’s a bleak but possible explanation.
I needed this in my teens and twenties.
I'm a better person now than I was then, but I'm still working on my self-awareness. This is one of the biggest reasons I still watch every new Sexplanations episode: my Sex Ed in school never talked about interpersonal and self care struggles like this.
i absolutely love that you wrote this from the first person.
Amazing how you raised the question of trying to make the other party feel guilty. I did mostly the last, milder options, in the past (like "okay I won't bring it up then"). I've since realized this isn't good, because after all, you do still want the other person to be okay.
i love how you approach difficult topics like this, still being super fun while being super informative.
I am glad she did this from a female perspective. Men get dogged out way too often.
As a dude we deserve it on this topic to be honest. But its seems to be getting a bit better except for certain internet communities.
@@allcitychessclub13 Speak for yourself, not all men. Bad form.
@@3ForceYoda never said all men. Stop getting defensive over calling out a systemic problem that's really hurting a large portion of men that stay in those communities.
@@allcitychessclub13 "as a dude we deserve" kinda implies "all men". You may not have said it explicitly, but you can't really blame anyone for not understanding your comment as "some men".
did she make this from a female perspective tho? I've seen people with every gender and orientation respond to rejection in all of these problematic ways
Thank you for everything you share with all of us. You help so many people, and teach so much that I was never taught.
Gosh, I needed this video so much. Growing up I was always told that it is important that you can say no to anything and anyone but I was never prepared for what rejections feels like. This is something they do not cover in sex education (which is actually quite good here in Germany). So when I got sexually rejected for the first time, I overstepped and I regret it until today.
I was recently diagnosed with ADHD at 25 and learned about RSD. I am also in my first long term relationship. I try so hard to not tear up when he rejects me and I make sure not to say anything to guilt him or manipulate him but ultimately I fail because the tears themselves are a manipulation, right? Like I do my best to just go to the other room or stop them from falling but I have never been able to control my crying in any situation. I feel like a horrible person. I try hard to say over and over that its all on me and that him saying no is not the problem and that I am. Even if he changes his mind I don't even want it anymore because I now feel like a monster and a predator. I'm working with my therapist and I'm trying my hardest to catch and challenge my RSD thoughts, but I just don't know what to do to stop the tears. He says he understands but I still feel bad for manipulating him even if its unintentional.
Wow did u take this from my journal???
Diagnosed at 33 here; I had an abusive partner in highschool who used my rejection sensitivity against me... I very much understand fearing the sense of being the predator, but being aware of it helps keep it from happening.
Later with my husband I had a long struggle with RSD from severe side effects of endometriosis, which ended up leading to us deciding to have an open marriage. Open relationships aren't for everybody, but it's helped me come to terms with my sexual needs and inabilities.
I was diagnosed at 32 and I recommend you and anyone else who feel curious about that spectrum to watch the "How to ADHD" channel if you aren't already!
Hi, also ADHD and in a long term relationship! The best way I've found to cope with the RSD from sexual rejection, is quickly follow up with a neutral activity they might want to do instead.
"Okay, that's fine, do you want to watch a movie or cuddle or play some Mario Kart?"
Redirecting the rejection into another activity makes it alot easier, and it helps separate "They're rejecting sexual activity" with "They're rejecting me, as a person"
@@BornAScout I second this. And I do this.
Oh god, when you said rejection hurts like physical pain my mind immediately went back to past rejection and I felt a tightness in my chest. Wow, I need to talk though this more.
Wow, I related to every single moment
Both voices?
@@sexplanations yes, well thankfully I heard the intervening voice after the rejection
I promise you this... your not alone
You are not alone.
In the olden times of Patriarchy, we men dealt with rejection by shrugging it off. You are not Adam, she is not Eve, you will very surely get rejected 10 to 100 times before getting lucky unless you look like Chris Evans or Henry Cavill. Part and parcel of being a man, younger brother. Just develop a tough hide and go forward.
@@pedrovargas2181 yes typically so but when dealing with long term relationships like marriage... it’s not that easy
I don't know what the rules are on double posting, but here we go!
I feel relief when I get rejected, like "ok, I am off the hook for feeling obligated to act in a certain way."
But when someone responds positively, instant performance anxiety. Like , "oh my god they have EXPECTATIONS! RUN! RUN!"
have u considered you might be ace?
Oh, when I was younger yes, but no I am just Autistic.....interpersonal interaction just takes more effort than most 🙂
Once I have a bond with someone it all flows, just takes time.
The only times I ever feel obligated to act any certain way is if/when we've negotiated something that specific.
Great video. I appreciated the RSD comment especially in relation to ADHD. It goes even beyond sex and I have gotten help for it. Thank you for mentioning it.
Dr. Doe, thank you so much for these informative videos. If I were to level a criticism, it would have nothing to do with the sex-ed itself but the calls for "seeking help". Professional psychological help is often a luxury for a majority of people in most parts of the world. What isn't a luxury, however, (at least for many of us) is talking to friends and family. I feel like delegating every single need to "professionals" further leads to the transactional nature of our human relationships and gives birth to sentiments like "it's not my job to educate you" or "I don't want to deal with the emotional labor". We don't need to come out of every interaction with something to gain. Sometimes it's ok to simply put in the effort in helping people without expecting a reward. Especially if that person is close to you.
Rejection happens, not fun but Oh well.
Repeated rejection from your long time partner, husband/ Wife is a whole new level of heartache.
I agree, you can handle rejection in normal situations but when it comes from the very person who chose to be with you for life knowing a) what a life with a partner would be like, b) knowing what my "healthy libido" is like and c) we were having a very healthy sex like prior to you getting what you wanted (a house and a child from me)...... is like, you feel totally destroyed, let down..like.." what are you with me for?" .. (I asked this question, still haven't got an answer...my answer is lifestyle, but she would never admit it).. so the video is saying that it's totally fine for her to impose chastity on me but I'm not allowed to look for someone who want's me sexually....I want everyone to remember that masturbating is nowhere near the same as having sex with someone who actually wants to do it with you because of YOU..... I'm almost at braking point.....
@@mariocornuto7501 I feel you, I wish I had a perfect answer, lol hell just an answer to help you. All I can suggest is work on YOU. find a GOOD therapist, try not to take responsibility for Their problems. I know that can be hard. I could go on. But know YOU ARE NOT ALONE. There are many of us out there who share your pain. I wish the best for you .
@@Kv-pk2st Thanks mate...
@@mariocornuto7501 Thank YOU Brother,
Stay strong, don't lose faith in you.
I'm right there with you, brother. The trite advice to just "turn toward plenty" is borderline insulting to men and women in our situation. Hang in there. You are not alone.
As an autistic person with RSD and a passion for sex positivity this is really helpful and valuable!
It’s great to have this as a resource for myself as well as to share with others
Thank you Dr Doe for all your amazing work and the resources and information you’ve shared freely over the years 😊
Dr. Doe, this is a really positive way of telling people that no means no. This topic is usually dealt with in a very judgmental way that is bound to miss the people who need to hear it the most. It really is a moral issue, but there's enough condemnation out there and it helps to balance it out with some straightforward explanation.
This really reminds me of how my husbands stolker reacted to him not being interested. She tried everything to get attention and connection form him. Sent him gifts via his colleges, showing up in front of our house, calling at all hours of the night and day, birthday dinner invitation with a little guilt trip to try to pressure him to go, faking an illness to get help going to the hospital....... She couldn't understand rejection and disinterest from him in a romantic way and it lead her to obsess and stolk him. Very unhealthy for her and traumatizing for us.
Linking this to attachment styles, this video really resonated as someone with an anxious preoccupied attachment style - the pain of rejection is so very real, especially when it manifests as anxiety in my body - sweaty, feeling sick, crying etc. But recognising it for what it is has been so useful and now trying to learn techniques for managing these experiences, sitting with my feelings without letting my reaction affect my relationships with others. It's really bloody tough though
I watched this, and went about my life. My SO said he didn't want to one night and I started to pout. I went home, cried, had a small fit, and then went to bed. The next day I thought and thought about how I was acting entitled. I messaged my SO and asked for honesty and they gave me the truth, that yes i haven't been hearing him when he isn't in the mood. I apologized and said I would do better. They also want to do better at communicating but I know it's important that I hear and ask. I'm trying to rewatch this a ton to help me remember that my pleasure is not their job but mine.
I was diagnosed ADHD at an early age. My rejection pains haven't come from romantic relationships as much as friendships; I used to have a debilitating fear of losing friends and being rejected by others that evolved into some pretty unhealthy behaviors. I've gotten to a place now where it doesn't bother me as much because I am more secure in myself as a person. We can get there.
Also, I know this isn't what the video means, but it seems like one could easily walk away from this thinking "The only appropriate response to rejection is complete silence."
Thank You for the info Dr. Doe!
Rejection Sensitivity can also manifest as a panic attack... Sometimes ADHD meds do help with RS if you have it too, but learning tylonel can make it easier is just amazing!
Dr. Doe has ingeniously worded her presentation so it is gender perspective neutral (unless speaking directly of herself). This is smart, very smart, as this can and is experienced from both directions. Thanks for addressing this issue and please be aware that this dynamic can exist within long term relationships as well (marriage does not trump choice or consent for either spouse).
I feel like there is another response to rejection that is very common, even (especially?) among the people who would never in a million years say the sort of obviously shitty/manipulative/butthurt things mentioned in this video. This type of response is outwardly very woke. Outwardly, you appear to accept the rejection and be cool with it, you might even continue to hang out with the person as friends, pretending to be over it. But inwardly you are not over it at all. Inwardly you are constantly scheming, thinking how you can still win them over or what you can change about yourself to make them want you. Maybe if they just spend more time with you, they’ll come around. Maybe if you start working out. Maybe if you get your teeth fixed. And so begins a cycle that can go on for a very long time, esp. if you continue to hang out with them. I’ve found myself in this cycle a couple times, and while it may not seem as bad as some of things in this video, in retrospect there is something very dishonest about it, and perhaps more insidious. It is not a healthy place to be. I think we need to have more conversations about things like this that fall into gray areas, because I would guess that it’s a far more common response for certain people.
Ooh yes this is familiar
I went through this during my high school and early 20s. My first girlfriend broke up with me, I was deeply in love with her (or at least that's how I saw it) but she wanted to remain friends and so every time she had a relationship go bad, she'd come to me to talk through it, say the usual "I wish I hadn't broken up with you" type of lines...she was very manipulative of my feelings. On my side, every time I was rejected by her, it would eat away at my self-esteem. I constantly questioned what was wrong with me that should wouldn't remain in a relationship with me, yet she would always tell me about how bad these other guys were. It was very damaging for me and affected my relationships after her. I finally just had to force myself to cut connections with her.
I would agree this can be destructive behavior, but I don't think there's anything wrong with engaging in self-improvement following rejection to rebuild your self esteem. You just have to avoid toxic attitudes - like predicating all of your relationship behavior on getting them to have sex with you.
I am a proud practicer of CBT and a personal boundary maker. A lot of what she is talking about is stuff that I work through because I have created illogical thoughts and expectations about sex and relationships.
Incredible that this should be posted on the 56th anniversary of my very first crush. It's truly been "a long, strange trip."
Your points here are all good ones, and I really do treasure your advice. Overall, however, it does seem to add up to, "just zip your lips, grit your teeth, and take it. Don't attempt any sort of communication, or you'll be a monster of one kind or another."
I guess I'm exaggerating a bit, and I know this can't be your intent, but I guess I just wish you'd focused more on how/when to communicate. There's almost nothing more important than that in a relationship. Maybe a companion video to this one, about that, would put all the good stuff in this one into perspective?
Fred
This helped quite a bit, especially the part about treating yourself like you were actually hurt & backing off to deal with that feeling. I have an extremely high sex drive & while my partner loves being touched in different ways, they aren't a fan of sex where they're the one penetrating, and sometimes I have a difficult time dealing with that. I do my best not to project that disappointment onto them because I don't want them to feel guilty for saying no (in fact, we're working on getting them more comfortable with saying no, and knowing that I'll not make a big deal of them telling me no), but there are some times where I still feel residual disappointment that I can't quite hide, and it's a bit stronger if I don't come at some point. This video will be really helpful in my navigation of the situation! Thank you!
Had a frustrated coworker tell me I could have it whenever. Couldn't stop talking about her husband used to do this, used to do that it was so much fun. Told her to unplug the TV and smack her husband. She came back wobbly in the knees with a goofy grin on her face. She said" good advice".
I learned that I have ADHD when I was 18, and I learned about RSD earlier this year. I have always felt it, and after I learned about my ADHD, I learned about "fear of rejection," which was later connected with RSD. Finding terms for these things is a very affirming thing, and I was completely caught off guard by you bringing RSD and ADHD up one after another. Great video!
This has made me want too sit down & have a hard think about myself which is good. I'm always looking to unlearn harmful behaviors or find trailheads for some serious therapeutic work. I didn't even consider the possibility of RSD as I have diagnosed ADHD & I'll definitely be looking into a treatment plan. Thanks for always being a fantastic educational source on a topic that we dearly need more education in.
This is a very helpful perspective! I have definitely been guilty of a lot of these things recently. I am curious though, and I should preface my questions with a little background. Also sorry about the book I’m writing here😂 I’ve been experiencing a tremendous amount of sexual frustration in my marriage recently. My wife has explained that the chaotic nature of our life (which is not necessarily bad chaos) can often times leave her unable to make space in her mind for sexual activity. She’s also shared that she deals with certain anxieties around sex, in large part due to being raised in a very conservative religious household. These anxieties didn’t present themselves until we started dating seriously, which is understandable. Don’t get me wrong when the sex is great its F’ing great (pun intended). In fact she’s the absolute best sexual partner I’ve ever had🥰
It also bears mentioning that I’ve experienced two major increases in libido. The first when I started Vyvanse for ADHD (surprise surprise) and the second a month after we quit our long term job at a salon we both loathed and open our own suite.
So, all that long winded, but still summarized backstory, being considered, I suppose my first question is, do you have any recommendations on literature regarding a non judgment approach to creating more understanding within long term relationships regarding sex? We are about to start couples counseling, which I’m looking forward to!
Second question, even without higher than normal levels of libido, I’ve always had a rather high sexual appetite. So, are there solo techniques/practices (physical or mental) that can help mitigate RSD, while satisfying such a sexual appetite?
Options I’m currently exploring: toys, mindless meditation, and therapy. Sorry for the egregiously long comment😅 Any input would be greatly appreciated!
As someone who has never had sex, you can recognize the need for sex (for non-asexual folks) while still recognizing that people's No's need to be respected outright.
I've personally found that a great way to handle rejection is to consider it as a possibility before even asking the question. There are some really good grounding exercises to reinforce that rejection is not the end of the world, and that there is victory in recognizing ways one can improve, as well as respecting and affirming the boundaries of others. There are net positives to gain, even if it may not be what you desire in the immediate moment.
Okay...totally agree with everything you've said here...but what if you are married? Is there anything owed to the horny (s..-deprived) spouse?
True story: Eight months...no s.. then I asked if she'd be interested and she said: "Good luck with that!" Meaning that we are religious and the only sexual contact I could ever receive was from her...even self-pleasuring is off the table (damn Mormons, I meant to say, damn monsters!)
After ten years of marriage we had officially become completely sexually dysfunctional. Needless to say it never improved and I told her in no uncertain terms that pornography is "Okay!" She tried to create 'conditions for my pornography viewing' and would interrogate me weekly to verify that I had kept the "agreement". Eventually I told her that I felt she had become my mother and that our 'marriage' lacked intimacy for one needs to be on equal footing, even peers, in order to experience true intimacy...as I'd never have intimacy with my daughter...nor with my mother. I only have intimacy with a wife so it felt really weird to be treated like her son and then try to sleep with her (how many different ways are there to say "icky"?).
We have since divorced and I will never put myself in a position in which a sexual terrorist is ordering me around...never again!
By the way...I followed all of these rules to a tee for 13 years while I was married so the problem wasn't me...
I don't believe she was ever told "no"
I bet she was! most people have been. it's all day everyday to have people say yes / and no. it's just life
Thank you for adding the bit about RSD. As a person with ADHD, I only learned about RSD a few months ago because its not widely talked about but I also didn't know that almost all people with ADHD experience it. Also thank you for this video
Thanks, I have been the one rejecting sex from my partner, and now I’m more sure that I wasn’t wrong about not wanting to have sex with the person I loved... he always made me feel guilty and ashamed of rejecting or postponing the event.
Ooh yes - no means no. That should always be respected
Just don't forget Bill Burr... NO means NO... NO.
th-cam.com/video/GZ3QHTpMZgQ/w-d-xo.html
At 75, I can vouch that I've 'suffered' a few of what you call 'rejections' in my life. Except I never thought of them as rejections; I always thought of them as 'refusals', which is of course the inalienable right of everybody...
Just found your channel and I'm obsessed. Your videos are so relatable and honest. I saved a few to show to my current and future partners. Thank you.
The thumbnail promised me Dr Doe in dope glasses.....I feel lied to. 😄
Great show as always! Your doin' god's work! 😁
"Shop for your crotch." Best line EVER! They should put it on their website.
"they're turned off by you. They're waiting for someone better. No one is ever going to want you." Dr. Doe with the mind games lolol.
How on earth did you manage to make this video uplifting? Amazing work guys. 👏👏👏
It makes me so mad that this video can't get properly viral because of YT being so damn ignorant. Very important one, one of your best ones.
i can't find myself being attracted to attractive women because consciously, I know they will reject me because they wont find me attractive.. and If there's no mutual attraction between both parties then I can't find them attractive, it's like an emotional block I have in place which has been caused by rejection in the past. I don't even look at attractive women as sexual beings anymore because I know there isn't a chance. It's a revolving door of poor self esteem in my case.
ill add that its not about the sex all the time. sometimes people just want to be wanted and playing cards by yourself does not quench that thirst nor being with someone who you know will accept you...you want the person who there is a doubt if they want you or not...to want you!
I can confirm, crushing people on card games really relieves the sense of rejection.
Wow. I engage in about 20 of the "rejection thought patterns" that are not helpful to me or my wife. Thank you Dr. Doe for helping me see and see better.
The problem is when people are repeatedly rejected across decades, from puberty through middle age. Permanent mental damage results.
Reason246 I grok this. Happened to me. I developed addictive personality disorder.
Thank you I needed this. I struggle a lot with rejection in general. I feel guilty because of this because I already have ppl in my life that don't reject me but one person rejects me and it's like the end of the world
Finally something I’m a pro at, rejection.
It sucks hearing the word 'no,' not many like it, but no is valid answer. The fact it isn't for some is shocking.
True enough... lover became dumbest hater caused by the word; no. That's why there is a saying: Hate is love that becoming mad. "He who knows enough is enough will always have enough." Is a better quotes to avoiding it.
My gf can't seem to handle being told no. I wish you could talk to her
Yeah, how DARE people want to know why after getting rejected time after time why they aren't considered "good enough" for a physical relationship.
I agree with you
this is the first time ive seen RSD be described in a non-ADHD setting (ie not a ADHD channel or forum) so great to see! It affects me daily and to see it discussed in a place that is so diverse is so great!
I'm so used to rejection, it's just normal. It sucked at first but I'm a lot better at moving on now. Keeps the person I'm interested in safe and keeps me safe.
✍️How to send this video ✍️ to someone without sending ✍️ this video ✍️ to them.
Srsly. My married friend told me it is not appropriate to change your mind in the middle of sex.
i think lindsey might have video(s) speCIFICALLy about that topic, changing mind during sex. if i recall correctly she said yes, of course a no is a no is a no “even” during sex, like cmon of course it is.
i think she even covers the topic of “people with 🍆 when they are past-the-point-of-no-return” and all that. if anything, THAT might be the video to send.... if im not just hallucinating that such a video exists? i dont think i am at least, but ive been known to be wrong on occasion, thats for sure!!!!
You could try posting it to a timeline thing on a shared media site, then @ the person with a different post either before/after and hope they click out of curiosity. Then it's not pointed, but it should be noticed.
You should point out to your married friend that if they don't accept that the other person withdraws their consent any time during sex, everything sexual your friend does to the other person after that point is a felony sexual assault.
@@AuntBibby Thanks! I will be exploring Dr. Doe a bit more.
@@ebonyblack4563 ...okay...I found one regret for taking down all my social media accounts except this one. :)
Doc, I feel like I was just dumped by every female in the world for every reason in the world.
It needs 101 times to said so. How many u got, now?
rough
You were
@@ivym3969 See? It never stops.
Maybe you are the problem.
Tip: ladies (gents too) can smell the stench of "I need a partner NOW!" from leagues away and get turned off alike. Some gents take the chance for an easy P&D&G (Pump, Dump, Ghost) and the ladies almost unvariably say no.
You go out just to relax and have a good time, specially with your bros, you get approached. The few times I went to a club or disco just to sit in a dark corner and enjoy a drink and the vibrations from the loud music (lone wolf here) I got many interested looks and one or two approached me. But first, you have to get rid of the needy mindset.
Ohso relatable... Being a mess of bipolar-add and insecurities that I did mostly get over after coming to terms with myself. My response to rejection now is "Ok, just let me collect myself for a split second" and go about my day.
Question of morality. If rejection causes pain, how much of this pain is it morally admissible to inflict on a person? Would your answer be different for a bodily injury? Does this stigmatize mental anguish? If the pain is meant to drive a person to change and persevere, wouldn't that also be obstinate pursuit? How would we draw corollary to say food hunger or sleep hunger, is there a psychological or biological limit. Does rejection connect with psycho/social disorders, to much physical pain can cause mental health issues. How many rejections constitutes he line between dysphoric and empirically accurate reality, if everyone actually rejects you are you dysphoric? I as as a student of ethics, some of the (greatly foreshortened) arguments here seem to have logic issues. And to be clear, I am asking Dr. Doe i an academic sense. I am not looking for vitriol for honest questions. I a wondering if perhaps this is a modified Violinist Scenario.
Honestly interested in hearing an academic discussion based on your questions. It's not my area of expertise, so I don't feel I could contribute any notable value to the discussion.
What I find interesting is if there is how this plays out in monogamous marriages over 15 years long when things suddenly change without apparent or given reason. The physical & psychological implications are interesting and coming to even a tentative hypothesis of harm would provide at least some path to search/employ a mechanism to safeguard one's self against harm to one degree or another from this source.
Even if it remains purely an academic exercise, it's an interesting ethics/morality discussion. Thanks for bringing these questions up!
@@TheMrMused As a student of ethics, her arguments here sound like the arguments of the Church as laid out here: th-cam.com/video/CU-zJCvhz4I/w-d-xo.html I find this truly ironic because the argument she is writing comes from St. Augustine from the 14th century that established the patriarchal society that feminists and the sexually awakened claim to so fervently despise. They just replace telling boys "go see a priest/preacher" with "go see a therapist" who have essentially become the same role. And they tell girls that "they ought to remain chaste" with "you are worth more than your sexual nature, and no one deserves your time". Both of these arguments link ones existential value with their relationship to their sexual drive. This is hypocritical in the root of the argument as if delineated to any other baser urge would sound absurd. Judge someone based on how they interact with their desire for food, and you are fat shaming, or body shaming. Even people who have serious clinical issues where they have crossed the boundary of self injury and injury to others. She mentions no limits in this discussion, no spectrum of acceptable limits, just absolutes. If I were to judge this I would say it is not only unethical to say these things under the guise of an expert opinion, but altogether unscientific and combative. What does healthy rejection look like from both sides, and where is the line between being neurotic and being aggressive land? Look, I am not saying there are no creeps in the world, or that some people don't have serious problems. I am saying construing social angst and awkwardness associated with meeting people under sexual drive as some how a problem brought on by assault intention is socially destructive. We need to find common ground, not throw barbs.
This was a very helpful video to watch. My sex drive is way higher than my boyfriends and because he has sleep apnoea and issues with his nerves, more often than not he is too tired or not in the mood. Admittedly i still struggle with low self-esteem because i worry that i'm not attractive enough, even though logically i know he probably would if he could and that he finds me attractive and loves me. I know i've dealt with that very poorly in the past and understanding his point of view is difficult but i always try my best to be respectful of his needs/choices so watching this has definitely helped me to understand further. Thankyou Lindsey
How I made my best opposite sex friend in college:
"Hey, you want to fool around?" Her: "No thanks." Me: "Cool. Want to watch Avatar, TLA?" Her: "Fucking yeah!"
Woh, thanks so much for telling us about RSD, it threw some light on my relationship with my girlfriend. She has ADD and is sensitive to rejection. We'll research more about it, it'll help her understand herself better! Thanks so much doc!!!!!!!! 💛💛
I mean you can also reject them and find who you are actually compatible with. I'd much rather be alone than rejected, rejection over time does erode self-esteem, and no one owes me sex, but neither do I owe anyone my emotional health.
You'll get used to rejection after a few dozen times. It's the same with eternal damnation; you get used to it after a while
As a 29-year old virgin, I can tell you I haven't got used to it yet; still hurts like hell every time even after thirteen years straight, give or take, of nothing but rejection. Maybe it gets easier to deal with if every now and again you don't get rejected; can't attest to what that's like.
i fear prison more than i fear rejection. if i ever get rejected, i try to walk out the door as silently as i can.
Having sex is like drinking tea. "I usually like tea but today I feel like coffee". "Yes, I like drinking tea but I don't feel like it right now." And the most useful: "If someone is no responding or passed out you don't pour hot tea into that person's throat"
add to that: "just because someone made me a cup of tea, doesn't mean i have to drink it"
Overall an excellent video! I had no idea that there was a physiological condition that can exacerbate the feelings of rejection. One thing I would definitely like to know is the relationship between the realm of non-sexual physical intimacy and RSD - if someone failed to get enough positive human interaction and the feelings of closeness, can these same effects occur as if they were simply rejected from sex? Also, since we are in times where radicalization is becoming far too common, is there any link between those who suffer from RSD and those who are more susceptible to becoming radicalized. In either case, we as a society definitely need to end the stigma surrounding mental health and seeking effective treatment for it so that people can get the help they need without shame or villainization. The tough reality is...especially when it comes to sexual rejection, you have to bottle up the symptoms of RSD until you can be alone - otherwise, you're the villain. However it happens, we need to get to a place where we can all respect the boundaries of others and mitigate the physical and mental effects of rejection for those who experience them.
I agree rejection is painful and after 10 years of rejections I stop trying. I no longer look for partners who reject me because I am over weight or I have a disability. It's easier to be lonely then be rejected.
couldnt agree more with this strategy tbh, being in a romantic/sexual relationship just sounds terrifying.... doesnt stop people from assuming i AM hitting on them when im NOT though, and the rejection hits just as hard because they act super disgusted over something i didnt even do.... and lindsey’s saying i need to “get help” rather than try to atone for causing harm by accident? yeah right cuz the mental/neurological health field hasnt been ruining my life & self since i was a little kid i cant get away from that stuff FAST enough
@@AuntBibby I agree more she put the problem on the shoulders of those with a mental health issue. It's their fault they have this issue and they need help. How about instead teaching people about how to reject people nicer. I mean most people don't just say no they react like your some kind of monster for showing interest in them.
Rosewater I grok this.
@@joshuafreedman7703 Thank you
I'm married 12 years, my wife suffers with endometriosis, I haven't had sex in 13 years, my wife wants a kids went for IVF didn't work, went for egg donation in Spain then covid happened, we are in Ireland now the consultants want her to have a hysterectomy to manage her pain. I was told by a therapist just to take a cold shower to deal with my feelings of rejection
I've had at least two (three?) women want to do it after they rejected me and I just moved on with my life. My reaction was like someone didn't want a gum I just offered them. And one of them told me that they loved my (non-)reaction and it was one of the reasons she then revised her decision.
Treat all "no's" like "no but I reserve the right to change my mind later" and you'll be in the right frame of mind to move on and leave the door open without cajoling or being needy. A chipper "OK" is perfect.
100% agree with this video. BUT how does this relate to a marriage that sex is shut down for years? Where 1 person still has a desire but the other does not care?
04:24 Wow 🤯 Generic painkiller being effective for both physical AND emotional pain! That blew my mind, even tho I guess it makes sense given effective chemical treatments for depression also exist?
The way body, mind & mood are intertwined and affect each other never ceases to amaze!
It's the lack of rejection I'm suffering from these days. I'm trying to leave the phone alone so I'm abstaining from social media and dating apps. Which, in a pandemic, makes the in flux of new people literally non-existent. Virtually, I could have my pick as everyone else but limiting screen time is more important to me. It's completely my choice. I really cannot complain.
However, I haven't even crossed paths with a mutually attracted woman in a situation that was appropriate to hit on for months.
When we all step back into the swing of things, a new normal, I'm kinda looking forward to getting shot down.
It’s stupid how accurate this is. ADHD, toys, feelings, and I’m therapy, and it all sucks. Lol
i love this video and i feel like this thought process will be super helpful in rejection from your partner in other aspects than just sexual. it's really hard for me to accept rejection because i feel like i have an idea of what my relationship should be like and i tend to force those expectations on my partner. i should try processing my thoughts more. thank you
But it's healthy to have reasonable expectations for a partner and relationship. If they are constantly not living up to reasonable expectations, the problem may not be with you.
Guys are quite lucky when it comes to rejection in that we've been trained to cope with it via dating apps on a level that women can't even imagine. Before apps we might have been rejected by one or two women on an evening out to a club or bar etc but now with apps we can be rejected by hundreds, and we don't even have to leave the house.
Thanks so much Dr.Doe. I recently hurt a close friend after she no longer wanted to do it anymore. I did some of these things and was wondering why i did some of these things. This clarifies things and that i need to see a professional. Thank you for your insight.
Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria is one of the reasons I have been single for more than five years. It's rough.
Great timing for Valentines, now can you just go back about 12 years and show this to 15yo me?
Please forgive the bad english, it is a secondary language. First and foremost: your work is in general appreciated a great deal, here. Have had issues with a partner in the past, due to which all interest in personal contact was lost, for about two decades now. And have recently, due to trying to get out of depression, been attempting to get more in contact with people. Although that is beside the point.
At roughly 0:47-0:55 it feels like you didn't hit the spot. The issue is the line "You're gonna say, that they'll like you raping them." That was not the way, it feels like, it was framed. As far as the limited knowledge is concerned rape is rarely, if ever, "liked" by the victim. So that may have just been unfortunately worded, or ill received on my part. At what point has flirting ever become an invitation to get raped?
Sorry for rambling, and bad englisch but that just sits uneasily.
Again: love your work, please go on, and teach more!
I wish I had realised sooner how my inability to get off on my own, and in general my lack of sexual inability, ruined the most beautiful relationship I could ever have.
Persistent & constant rejection by a spouse for the past 3+ years (23y married), with no infidelity and having your partner unwilling to talk like adults, go to therapy, or pretty much any other adult response?
Yeah, thanks .. I'll be pulling the divorce card. Done with being punted around and feeling complete undesired.
Time to get back to a mentally healthy me and then, maybe, find someone.
Half the population of the country goes thru this sooner or later. It's tough to find yourself single in your thirties, and realize you're too old to go to the club anymore and you're only attractive to the most desperate and dysfunctional . It's difficult to accept that personal intimacy and sex are over because the person you thought would always be there grew in a different direction. There's a kind of panic that grips you and can cause you to act desperately. However, the days become weeks, months and years and most people realize their life will go on without intimacy and sex. Even decades later I still miss the feeling of closeness and the intimacy of sex. But it's part of life. Sometimes you win but more times you lose. I can understand how much it could negatively affect your life and could drive some to consider suicide. However, should everybody be forced to play this game? Some may just choose to quit.
your hand or a toy works just as well, but keep in mind rejecting someone sexually too long and you very well may lose that partner to someone who will
Let’s say there has been a consistent lack of sex for about 6 months, like none at all. There has been no direct rejection because I never initiate, I always let him take the lead. Would it be appropriate to bring up my feelings of sadness and worry because of the change in frequency?
Idk if you'll read this but that change in frequency is most likely your fault. Who wants to constantly initiate sex? No one. Show him you actually care.
My outlook on sex isn't very much different from going out to eat or chill at the park, in that I don't see it as being "personal". Like, I could ask out a "date" to go to a restaurant with me. But the reality is that if I just go to that restaurant and eat, I am already having a shared experience eating with others there, because it's _public._ That's how my psyche processes the whole "abundance vs scarcity" conundrum. I don't even do friends because I don't like the favoritism of choosing a few specific people. I can consent to an act or a situation, but I don't think of that as being fixed to a personal identity.
"may develop a phobia of rejection in the future"
...well fuck i think i found the reason i never have the willpower to look for dates.
The comment at 1:01 really made me feel uneasy when I heard. Not sure I 100% understand why, but I think part of it is I'm not sure how to respond. Objectifying others is definitely wrong and you shouldn't let it go unchallenged when you see it happening, but what's an appropriate response to someone objectifying themself?
Context certainly matters but in general it feels like if I agree with the person I am now objectifying them (which feels wrong), disagreeing could easily be interpreted as an insult to the person's body, sexuality, etc and not responding turns it into a weird moment that could cause one or both of you to feel uneasy around each other.
That being said, I don't think the comment in the video requires a response. I guess it just reminded me of a few times when someone objectified themself and I wasn't sure how to respond and just froze.
Your advice helped me understand the pain in my heart. After my girlfriend broke up with me. Thank you!
I've had the issue in the past of being rejected, and being futher harrassed by the person afterwards. That time I actually felt I needed to leave my job in the end, because of the abuse.
Just saying that negative reactions can go both ways. In that the rejected party can move on (in my case I was a young lonely gay who miss read the flirting of a male co worker), while the person doing the rejecting has a need to punish them for daring ask in the first place.
I should have know what the final outcome would be...when my partner started rejecting me. And not initiated sex or even imtimacy...it is a far harsher way of rejecting. It is like totally being ignored. And I dreaded speaking about it...so I did not address the very fact why we were not making love anymore...for fear of losing her...But it did chip away at my confidence...what did I do wrong? Occasionally something would happen. And I made a note in my diary...Christmas was more often...And finally she did say, I do not see a future with you anymore...digging up stuff that happened over a decade ago...we are divorced now and before the ink was dry she had another partner...well I wish him all the best...but it did scar me...dammit I chose the wrong partner after all...but he I’am not alone in this...40% of marriage end in a divorce...the rate for the second marriag is even higher...why do we get married in the first place? And looking at the statistics about adultry....they say a higher percentage of women are up to that than men...I just don’t get it...uhhh no pun intended...Can’t really believe the figures...
Those glasses were ADORABLE! So, basically the point of this video is GIVE UP TRYING and pony up the cash to a sex toy vendor; because the only NO you get from them is "Card declined". Which I've already given up because .....aw screw it. ( no pun intended)
How can I help?
*shopping on Adam & Eve* Thanks Dr. Doe!
My God Dr Doe, you are STILL ADORABLE after 8 years!!! lol
Keep doing your wonderful thing here, and being your wonderful self! ; )
I don't mind being rejected, but it tends to get silly when the rejected person thinks I can't find anyone else, and so they ghost me and avoid me like the plague. Really? How smug to you have to be to think you're the only fish in the ocean? All this person has done is to lose a friend.