My complicated relationship with men.
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- เผยแพร่เมื่อ 28 ก.ย. 2024
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I stopped talking to my Dad 10 plus years ago. I have a son of my own now. A large part of my professional work and my entire personal pursuit has been to be more vulnerable in a public manner. As society continues to progress and we fight less wars. The only way to go forward is for men to raise emotionally healthy men. I'm so grateful for Nathaniel, his father, and to you the viewer as you scroll through these comments. We aren't alone, the world needs up, keep going and keep being vulnerable it is anything but weakness.
thats so soad, so is your dad basically dead to you?
@@tubbycustard8866 basically, if I saw him it would be like seeing a ghost or a demon.
that's good work with your son. the only way we can shift these toxic norms is by raising our kids different and changing it ourselves. hard to be emotionally healthy these days at all, it seems. but definitely boys need role models who don't shut out emotion as if it's deranged. vulnerability is just a way of being honest and allowing yourself to be part of a community that can ask for and give support. better more fulfilling rships, too.
thanks for doing this.
It’s kinda sad that you had to cut off your relationship with your dad. It’s great that your working on your relationship with your son, it would be amazing if that could be possible with your father, but i don’t know how your relationship is with your father. I would be great to also be vulnerable in your personal life as you have said your personal pursuit is to be vulnerable in a public manner. Practicing what you preach would suit this situation very well.
Y'know, the more I think about it the less crazy it sounds but here goes. My dad is the opposite case for me. My dad is actually the more emotional one in regards to my parent's marriage. My mom is a little more on the cold side but tender hearted all the same.
My dad used to be a rough guy but my mom actually melted this guy's heart. Bounced for a strip club, gotten into multiple fights throughout his life though he always made sure that he never started them because he didn't really want to ever actually fight. He just never backed down against shitty people.
Long story short, my dad would go on to serve his community by putting on a uniform and he would inspire me to do the same though to another level. The reason I even remotely followed in his foot steps was what he told me when I was a kid.
"You have to be strong so you can defend others who can't defend themselves."
Honestly, it felt like a line out of a movie. (Probably was knowing him)
His love for me and my family has always been on full display because he brims with pride when we make jumps in life or achieve things we've worked hard at. He inspired me to protect others. I did 7 years with the military and worked within the addiction treatment field for a time all because I just wanted to help others.
He really just taught me to love others and to always be kind and to leave the world a better place than I found it.
I have a group of male mates who compliment eachother and rejoice in each other's success kind of like a coalition. But each of us are the type of people who don't really care what people think.
love this
Where do I find people like that😢
Can i join
I’m lucky enough to have the same, it’s great. We shit talk each other too but it’s all understood to be jokes. At the end of the day we all have each others backs and support each others successes
@@POPDATA just compliment everyone constantly (only if its deserved). "jesus, Mike you're looking handsome af today lad" etc
Lately feeling the urge to just lay my cards out on the table. To be more vulnerable, and express myself more fully. Whoever stays stays and let whoever goes go.
Do it Tommy, it's incredibly liberating and opens your eyes up to what people are truly honest around you. I've done nothing but benefit from this change in my life
what the world needs. let's leave our unnecessary layers behind
you got this tommy! being vulnerable is the bravest thing a person can do!
Do it! It's the best things that us, men, can do. It's hard and uncomfortable at the beginning but once you get used to it feels great!
It really is good to do that. Having support is everything.
The problem is the 3rd type of people - the ones who stays, but rather than by your side, they take what they know about you and turn it against you. Your weaknesses aren't just bad and sad things to be acknowledged and treated and improved, these things are now used as a weapon. And the sad part is that those people were actually amongst the closest ones you had, like those who stay holding your hand. That can be a parent, a sibling, a SO, a long time friend, etc. People who were there to help you suddenly mocking you and spreading stuff about you and betraying you.
That hurts a lot when it happens. You were trying, you were willing to change, to grow, to heal, and then you're stabbed on your back. That makes a man never want to open up and trust people again, ever. You may heal eventually and move on, but the blow is hard to take.
I really hope you can open up and let healing come. Take your time, be patient to yourself, but choose carefully who is at your side. You'll be fine, internet stranger. You'll be fine.
It’s very fascinating and also scary when you become an adult and begin to see your parents in a whole different light. And that your parents begin to be more open and vulnerable with you. I remember my mom bawling when her mother died in my early twenties and I had never seen my mom cry before. To me she was this incredibly courageous and always happy person. But that was the first time I saw my mom just like everyone else, with real emotions and flaws. That was pretty earth shattering, to see her be vulnerable and to see her struggle like that. But as I’ve learned more and more about her while being an adult, I can now actually understand her and her life in a more meaningful way which has really brought us closer together.
They day you realise your parents are regular human beings too is the most humbling and scary moment. Because suddenly you see them for what they are, and their imperfections, and not just as the people who raised you.
@@skylarsa its very interesting to me to read that other people didn't already see their parents as regular flawed people with problems since children, i honestly don't ever remember idealizing them, maybe because they were very dysfunctional so it was always clear to me they were flawed even when i was little
I'm a gay man. While I do still feel the pressure from society to "be a man", I feel like straight men have it a lot harder in this regard. By default, us gay men don't already fit into this rigid definition of masculinity (being physically/mentally strong, unemotional... and straight), and in order to live openly as a gay man, a certain amount of not caring what people think of us is already a prerequisite, so we have the freedom to be "unmanly" and free ourselves from that rigid definition of masculinity.
It's funny, my straight brothers and straight male friends have told me they fear being emotionally vulnerable with their partners because they don't want to be seen as unmanly, and that they rarely express themselves openly with their guy friends. It must be tiring (and so limiting and lonely) to only have that opportunity in the world of sports.
It's never unmanly to have emotions, talk about them openly, and experience them fully. Give yourself the permission to do those things, and you might be surprised by the respect (instead of ridicule) you will get from other men.
Totally agree! Very well put, thank you
Gay and man dont really go together. Try male...
It is my personal belief that one of the reasons why women and gay men receive so much hate from straight men is for the exact reasons you described. We are supposed to hate anything feminine in a patriachy and we dont play by these rules. They hate us for it. Instead of hating the system who made up all these rules. It is incredibly sad that these men cant feel the full spectrum of their humanity. It really needs to change.
@@seaofsolace don't include gay and women in the same sentence to get the latter's sympathy.
Yes and no. Some gay men overcompensate their being innately gay/different by acting "more a man" than their straight counterparts. Toxic masculinity still affects everyone.
7:30 It’s very interesting to see that men feel like they can’t openly express through crying unless the situation is intense in the moment or traumatic/ shameful. Many times I felt the strong urge to cry for the men in my life when they couldn’t. I’m happy to see how that circumstance still touches your father’s heart and compels him to take it and grow forward from it. Although i can see clear personality differences, I understand how much love is between you both.
It's hard but we make do lol. When I found out my father died, I had a few quiet silent tears as I drove home and that was that. I'm working on it XD
its interesting for you to find that out ? imma be honest with you, youre very likely part of the problem
@@marvin2678 well what do you suggest I or *we* do better to change that 🤭
Nathaniel, man, you're really in top form right now with your filmmaking and storytelling. Loving the recent videos. Keep crushing it. From a longtime viewer.
NALF!
@NALF I totally agree
Same here! I totally agree with you
Same here 🤚
100%
As a woman who has complicated relationships with women, i really appreciate this video. I always wished as a woman we could just support, and champion each other… unfortunately that comes with a lot of competition, envy and pettiness and doesn’t always pan out how you expect it to… thanks to social media, these kinds of relationships have been sabotaged even more… i now prefer my own company to anything… but i wonder for how long is this kind of lifestyle sustainable..
Awful to read that your solution is to be by yourself because you kind find anyone with good enough values to be a supportive friend.
Know that good people are out there and that you just need to find them. You have just, it seems likely, been looking in the wrong places, or you aren’t recognising the people who are going to be supportive. Or your expectations of support are excessive and unreasonable. But a very healthy amount of support and care is definitely out there. Do not give up
My sister recently just stopped talking to all of her friends. These were 20 year relationship, she only works and stay in her room. I asked her tf happened and she told me when she needed them the MOST, they didn't even call. They didn't even check in, let alone SHOW UP! I have friends i can call at 3a.m. and say something is wrong, come grab me and they will. They have in the past and I would do the same for them.
I honestly would encourage you to be friends with more men, release this misandry you've been taught by modern day media because it is a lie. I had female friends (they're now married so i don't see them as much) and none of us guys tried to sleep with them, we were so close. That shows you right there, men's relationships are eternal, women's relationships are just situational. If things change, they're out.
Please don't close yourself off, find good dudes you can be friends with, communicate it from the beginning.
You may be one of a kind like myself. It’s not only that women bring those insecurities to the friendship but these women can’t feed you in any aspect, emotionally, spiritually, etc. Otherwise, you’d settle. But you won’t. You are enough, and that’s very unique that you haven’t settled for less than what you are worth it just to not be a loner. I personally became a loner for the stress that betrayal was bringing to my life. I do have relationships but I chose when I want to meet and I’m not that very invested. If I see there’s potential in those relationships, I’m willing to go the extra mile. But now they better prove to be that worthy. Otherwise, I’m good just for socializing, sharing our country’s food and culture and then off I go till I feel like repeating. But I’d rather give me all the time to do the things I enjoy and learn things my relationships aren’t interested in. That requires a lot of personality. And because of that, you don’t even care about those opinionated about your choices and making up conclusions. I appreciate your comment. I know there are more like us out there, lots actually.
This is always happening unfortunately but you can find good female people. Yeah, I have a few but I have them and they add value to my life because it took time to find them. But you will, you just have to wait and get to know other people.
I isolated myself, and it affected my mental health. I wouldn’t recommend it. Connection is tough, but achievable.
Well now I’m crying. It’s so beautiful to have a father that can express his feelings and acknowledge what he can and cannot do. Please know that you have a wonderful father; his willing to go to therapy has obviously helped him to grow. I wish you both the absolute best.
I feel the exact same way as you Nathaniel in groups of men. About the teasing and always acting in control, calm, and unemotional. Super important topic. I've had many vulnerable conversations with my dad as an adult that I never had as a kid. It is really tough to do but it has made us grow closer and understand each other's needs. I've seen sides of my dad I didn't know existed at times.
When your dad broke down, I did too 😭 I was a single mom for many years & my son had no real male role model. There were things I just couldn’t teach him about being a man. I know the feeling well of being a disappointment to my children & it sucks to lose the respect of people you love & takes much longer to gain it back than it did to lose it. I’m glad to see you & your dad’s relationship grow!
I am a woman, having a difficult relationship with my mother. In arts, psychology I read a lot abot relationship with parents, but I feel like a lot of books exploring the topic are only focused on one side of the trauma, of the trauma sometimes caused by parents. I am ready now to explore the topic further tho. In one book I read "in your teenage years, you start to realise your parents are also human, from your twenties you start your journey of accepting them and seeing them from a different angle".
I know now very well, how sometimes manipulation works, I want to see genuine ways how this conflict can be resolved. There is a conflict in me also, because I love my mother, but hate her for one side of her, and what she has done to me or said to me. I wonder if we'll ever be able to resolve our countless, unsaid confrontations. Sometimes we also ignored these confrontanions, because we didn't understand ourselves and neither the other, nonetheless did we know how to communicate it towards the other person.
It is not just like "you did something" and "I felt this way". It is a deep picture of my mother, how I wanted to be her like, how I wanted her to love me. And it didnt shed to pieces. Becasue it is still with me: 1. how I want to see my mother 2. How I want to connect with her 3. How she did behaved with me the way it hurt me 4. How I still love her because she is my mother and becasue she loves me too.
This video showed me a genuine expression of saying sorry from your father, but in a way that had a deeper layer, because he said he realised he he was also "failing" in a sense, while also having to let go of an idea of himself of "being special". He didn't "belittle himself", he said "its okay to fail". I dont think my mother would ever be able to forgive herself. So we just swallow our conflicts and try to forget.
There are also your eyes. Your eyes caught me, because you looked at your father the way I want to look at my mother. There was honesty about the situation. There was reckoning. But there was openness. COURAGE of standing by your feelings of loosing respect for him. Not changing your mind and saying 'it wasnt so bad' when he admitted his mistakes. But still giving him freedom to react, and giving him love.
Thank you for this video.
All relationships are hard but the journey you and your Dad have been through will endure forever.
i freaking admire his father. and the way his son came up to him and kissed him on the forehead to comfort🥺🥺🤧🤧
You (and your dad) are wise way beyond your years, Nathaniel. I’m so glad I found your channel!
It’s so beautiful to see your father in that vulnerable honesty, your videos are so amazing
Nathaniel, your dad seems to wear his heart on his sleeve and I love it. We need more men like that in the world right now.
Proud of your dad for embracing vulnerability and admitting his mistakes ✊🏽❤️
It's really great that you were able to see your father as the person that he is rather than just as a dad, that you thought you knew. Regarding vulnerability among men, we are cultured from an early age to appear strong for several reasons. I think at the most basic level, it's all about survival. When our peers see us as strong, and they know, we are a good ally personally, and socially. When we can embody strength, we know we can withstand the buffering we receive from others and that's good for our own survival. Unfortunately there is also an element of homophobia between men. Well part of that can be due to social rules and morality, there's a large element of fear of being rejected for being in any way, connected to homosexuality or femininity in others, or identified that way one's self because of a fear of rejection and threat to survival that just feeds on its self. As our society is currently shifting more and more towards acceptance of LGBTQ people and more and more are coming out about their actual gender and orientation, there is a second coming out and that is, among all the straight people who really don't care who you love or what you like sexually. And yet we still have the legacy fear of rejection, fear of being seen, as weak or feminine, and ultimately, the fear of being cut off, ostracized, helpless, friendless, and at risk for our own survival. We all need to expand our idea of what real strength is for genuine manhood, which can involve a spectrum of emotion and expression. Real strength isn't in manliness or womanliness. It's a matter of character, confidence, self-respect and self-definition.
Early men worked together to form the foundation of their society. Today men are isolated, alone, and have difficulty connecting with their brethren in any meaningful way.
@@loadishstone I’m talking about leadership in their communities, and a communal sense of responsibility and accountability. Foreign concepts, I know.
@@loadishstone
Men are the ones who built socites and civilizations, it's a proven fact, without strong men socites will crumble.
You're romanticising the past and glossing over the fact that the foundation of society is classism. a handful decide what is right and masses are usually oppressed into supporting and building
Didn't you mean early slaves worked together to form the foundation of their society? The foundation of any civilized society are the slaves.
@Gomeze While that's a fair assessment (of civilizational history), it does neglect the sense of community shared by even lower classes of particular periods. In Medieval Europe, one basically knew their lot in life. They were likely a part of a trades guild and were bound to a distinct iteration of Christianity and its associated lifestyle. What was needed was made, and not with gross financial excess as the motivator. The relative freedom generated by budding capitalism and protestantism severed ties that gave men a sense of place and purpose. All engagements became competitive and in service to a market economy. Friendship was networking. We became servants to wealth, rather than the opposite.
Control, dominance, and submission have been ubiquitous throughout time. But their flavors and pyschosocial outcomes certainly morph with the era and those changes are worthy of discussion. We definitely don't want to romanticize what came before us, but we also shouldn't write it off as pure subjugation.
This was so beautiful and insightful. I saw the other video, between yourself and your father, yesterday, and I was filled with some sudden understanding and insights about the men in my life. I really felt much respect for you both, too. But this video made me cry a little at the end, because it is so honest and heartfelt. 💖
I love your dad. I love his ability to be so transparent and vulnerable. I watch his channel too. I love his content and the evidence of the time he takes to pull it together. He’s eloquent and articulate and has such a great speaking voice. And I love that the two of you are so self aware of your relationship. And you hugging and kissing him in that moment. I’d give an appendage to have done the same to my dad before he left this earth but he was a guy who never shed that veneer. Sigh.
Just another multi-year subscriber commenting that this is probably my favorite video of yours I’ve ever seen, the relationship with your dad and how honestly you talk with him about a hard time is powerful and captivating to watch.
Intense words you said to your dad made me tear up. I love the storytelling.
As a queer man, I've been surrounded mainly by women (family and friends) for most of my life. Some years ago, I started hanging out with straight men more often and I still don't understand them completely. My male friends tease me and I began to do it too. However, I don't want to open up to them because I know they won't understand me. I know because I've done it before. I'm a very emotional guy but since I've also felt the pressure to "be a man" I ignore my feelings. Sometimes even women don't understand me because they want me to "be a man". Things are changing, fortunately. I wish straight guys good luck because I pretended to be straight for many years and I know it's not that easy.
You've describe my whole life. 😢😢
As a gay man, I too have experienced complicated relationships with men. I wasn't that close with my dad until my mom died suddenly and our own shared mourning pushed us closer together and we became good friends. Next, I began running full marathons and completed the Boston Marathon a few times and that brought my dad and me even closer. I was surprised by the number of men who were suddenly in awe of me and almost worshipful as I became a very strong long-distance runner. I then realized that there is still a primal side to the male brain that wants to be around physically strong men because they will be able to protect from adversaries, provide food, shelter and inspire others to do the same, which means life will go on. I think we men are very simple, primal beings in some ways. Most of us are deeply satisfied when we have ample food, shelter, work, sleep, play and sex.
This. Most men just dont need the emotional exchange as much. Just sleep, eat, laze about, and fuck
Thank you Nathaniel. I feel as though I haven't fit into the "masculine" stereotype as a man and that's been a point of shame for me. Watching this gives me a sense of relief that we can, as men, have close intimate relationships with other men. Amazing content
Really interesting insights here
Quite interesting
Your articulation + filming style has drawn out inspiration in me that I was searching for. I hope to see more content on this topic that could help me help other men.
This was really interesting. Thanks Nathaniel for being vulnerable enough to share such a profound message such as this one.
since I was a teenager I remember myself watching your videos, that's how I learned English. and that's how I found a lot of incredible things for my life.
I'm a real fan.
saludos desde colombia. 🤍🇨🇴
Bro, just watched this video. The moment you shared of your dad showing emotion was powerful. The way you embraced him in that moment was great. Thanks for you willingness to share.
Love this, feel like I've gone through a similar journey myself. So glad you and your father we're able to heal your relationship.
Nathaniel, your videos are simply a true art! You inspire me so much.
Thank you.
You know how to tell the story!
The relationship you have with your dad is special....but as you said, it wouldn't happen if not for the internal work on both of your sides...
I wish for you and your dad the best years ahead!
Greetings 👋
Beautiful Video. I've struggled with my relationship with masculinity due to my relationship with my father. Seeing yours be emotional and you giving him a kiss on the forehead is very touching. I hope I can have this sort of relationship with my son one day.
As a 23yo guy I appreciate these type of videos. Growing up I never felt man enough and I always find it extremely hard to be open and vulnerable in front of others, even though I've always been a very sensitive guy. But I got tired of trying to be a man I wasn't tired to be tough and manly and unemotional, little by little I embrace myself and I opened up to my male friends and other men around me. I'm now able to be vulnerable and emotional but it's been a long and hard process. Last week I gave a speech in class about my story with suicide and masculinity, I was capable of being vulnerable and I invited the men in my class to be vulnerable too. I love the podcast episode with your dad, I listened it while I was running a few days ago. I highly recommend to every guy out there the book 'Man Enough'by Justin Baldoni, literally (yes, literally) life changing for me! Much love guys! 💙
The sports part is so relatable. There is no place where I feel my friends open up more than at the gym or the football pitch. It's when we hit our personal record. When we score a goal. When we don't have enough energy. Sports is truly a discipline that brings out true manliness.
I do have a few man-to-man relationships in which I do have the space to be vulnerable and show my true self. Most however are exactly what you said: teasing and pushing around. I like that. But it's also truly important to be able to open up and be comfortable about your problems and weaknesses. I found that actually going through struggles together, facing problems that affect us all (my friends and myself) is what made us so open-minded.
@@loadishstone why does everything have to be intellectual? Sports for a lot of guys not only bring them together but teach a lot of life lessons that will take you much further in life than any intellectual pursuit ever could. Sport’s honestly is one of the biggest metaphors for life. It’s very similar to the caveman working hard with their tribe towards a goal
Incredible video on such an important topic. I love how you tackled it and developed it. Our chat was not easy but we were ready for it after many years of processing. Although that experience is still difficult to address, it is refreshing to know that we can talk about it so freely and be able to reflect on all the good it has done for our relationship. You simply never know how a dark period in your life can eventually unfold and the many gifts it can yield... if you're willing to put in the hard work. Yay for the two of us. ❤
I was just watching the conversation with your dad, a few videos on your travel to other countries, and some of languages- you’re awesome :) I love watching these
I have had these conversations with my son, always very emotional. Admitting mistakes and acknowledging areas of improvement are strategies to start healthy relationships with your loved ones. Thanks for sharing such a private story! ❤
I read Brene Brown's Daring Greatly and it helped me a lot so glad you are addressing this topic of vulnerability in such a personal and courageous way
Brené Brown is amazing.
AMAZING. Your dad is such a special man, I mean really! Such thoughtful and genuine expression.
I'm gay, and I've experienced this a lot. It's amazing to see a straight man talking so openly about it, thank you SO much.
Is Nathaniel gay or straight ?
@@aiolioi5027 he ido straight
@@aiolioi5027 He said that he's straight in the video - emotional vulnerability doesn't make a man gay, it just means he's human
Dude! Your conversation with your dad was truly inspiring. It takes immense courage and personal growth to have such introspective discussions with someone as close as a father. I deeply admire you for displaying this bravery, as well as for sharing it with the world on the internet. It's genuinely commendable.
The phenomenon of perceiving a father or parent as a "superhero" is a widely debated topic in the realm of psychodynamic theories. Heinz Kohut extensively discussed the concept of the "Idealizing self-object" - our innate inclination to idolize and admire others to develop a sense of self and experience a sense of safety and protection. When this idealization of our parents gradually diminishes, it allows the child to learn how to cultivate their own feelings of security and serenity, independent of relying on others. (These ideas are based on Kohut's theory, "The Psychology of the Self," for reference.)
I believe Kohut's theory resonates strongly with your situation, and I recommend delving into it further if this is a new concept for you.
Thank you so much for creating such stunning and mesmerizing videos. I eagerly anticipate everything you have in store for the future.
I will definitely be watching more of your incredible work.
Stay happy and fulfilled!
♥
Realizing that your parents are humans with flaws just like anyone else is a milestone of your 20s. Thank you for sharing how this experience was brought up for you. I'm sure many of us can relate. We should embrace our fathers as humans instead of hiding the truth and setting ridiculous standards for ourselves, our fathers, and our sons.
To love is to be vulnerable.
Fantastic work, you two.
This man never fails to make you think deeper about life…
This touched me so deeply as an individual who has struggled for a lifetime to connect with his father where things seem to become worse and worse with communication. The fact that you were able to have that conversation with yours is everything. All I have ever wanted was to be able to connect with mine. He’s hopped up on pharmaceuticals and comes from a line of stoic men who have zero emotional intellect. It’s our generation who is here to break the intergenerational trauma of toxicity and stigma against the demonstration emotion and sensitivity.
Damn.. is it ok to communicate with a Dad like this? 🥺
Im saying bro. He kissed his dad on the forehead and was very blunt about how he had “insanely poor communication”. Im shook yet intrigued
Thank you for sharing your personal and beautiful story with your dad. Parents and children have a very complex relationship that has it ups and downs, which you both navigate it amazingly. Keep pushing through the bad, welcome the good. And always remember we are all human who love each other.
7:27 --- I just saw a good dad! In many cases as men we should be more open with our families to talk things out!
I love this. Being in touch with your emotions is such a wonderful thing many people (especially men I think) are missing out of. But it's super important to grow and live a happy healthy life
wow, that video brought me a lot of emotions
I m usually not a sensitive man but your work, your story is just reminding me so much about my own relationship with my dad and my feelings about being a man
thanks
At 8:23 your dad talking about the ego part, that still wants to be special... ooft, I can so relate to this. I moved to NYC to be an actor, i went to an acting school, ended up working as an actor only to realise - i don't want this life. However, a part of me (that ego part of me) still sometimes has this desire to be special aka have the recognition and validation that an actor's life would have potentially brought. An old friend of mine, who was also an actor in NYC with me at the same time, became really big in the last year and got nominated even for an oscar. I am SO happy for her, but my god, the feelings that these news brought up for me... That I am nothing, that I am worthless, NOT special, just because she has X, and I don't. Despite the fact that's the dream I don't even want anymore. What a tricky, fascinating thing the ego + that shadow side of us is.... Thank you for another beautiful and vulnerable video, Nathaniel
I felt your father's pain really hard. My kids are only 10 and 5, but I've had moments where I failed as a father for both of them, where I felt that I was lacking, both because of ignorance and simply not being able to do better. Being a father, a good one or real one, is probably central to be "a real man", and when you mess up, which we all will at some point (we're only humans), you feel that that part of you is lacking.
I think a lot of what you're talking about is less about being a man or not, but about being human and acknowledging our own and others' shortcomings.
i hate sports, i honestly has a kid never cared about society's expectations of me, if i wanted to cry for mom i always would and i didn't even give a damn about others mocking me even my own dad.
So find something you don’t hate. He just used sports, cause sports and I’d say religion are the two easiest ways to see men bond in life
You just became my favorite creator. These are amazing!!
It's so weird that us (LGBTQIA+ folks and women) have been openly talking and being vulnerable for years now, in both real world and social media, and this is (I guess) the first time I come across content of a dude expressing himself about the lack of vulnerability among men. I can't help but wonder how does men cope living this way. The only thing that is not surprising though, is that this video is coming from a beautiful person like you Nathaniel, great job!
Lots of men are just fine, it's just some "masculine" groups who think stoicism is hating on your boys for crying. I don't have a hard time crying because of masculinity, I have a hard time crying because I grew up getting the very clear message that noone cared. If anything hanging with the boys is the one place you find brotherhood.
Most straight women are not emotionally sophisticated enough to accept men being vulnerable. 9/10 times it’s the end of the relationship.
Men commit the supermajority of suicides in virtually every society on earth. The reality is a lot of Men don't simply cope.
we got here without all that bs u people try to push lmao
@dolphin069 if you actually end up in a relationship with a stable woman then you'll realize this isn't true
I'm glad I watched today's episode, as I couldn't finish the conversation you had with your father yesterday. It hit a nerve, and I recoiled into myself as a parent who isn't perfect. I'm glad you two did the work - and I'm glad I'm no longer angry with you for being so harsh with your father. Again, I couldn't watch the whole conversation. I think I'll share this with my son...
So pure. From the heart ❤thanks for sharing this deep message with us Daniel
who is Daniel
@@PlaceboEllie Haha 😂
"Having to be strong all the time is fragile."
I can’t tell you how greatly well timed this video was for me. I needed to hear this.
Emotional intelligence puts a man in a whole other category. Men who are honest about their feelings are men you are more likely
to trust. If they can be open about their feelings, they’re more likely to be understanding and interested when a woman shares her feelings… which is what many women crave.
Thank you Nathaniel
I have submerged myself in sports culture for my whole life. I see it today, after your video, as a means to connect emotionally with my dad. And now that he is gone, I use it to connect with my 22 year son. I have always used it yo connect with my son.
I feel encouraged by your video. I have been working on myself for many years. Authenticity is a priority.
Again, thank you.
I respect your father because he changed to the better. Therapy, emotions, being upright to his son. Still a man. Maybe more than ever.
And on the side of the son, I can relate being pissed off at your father for being in this "underdeveloped" state and not being able to be the heroic leader you expect him to be. Suddenly he's a human and then you notice that everything is flying, nothing is secure. That's when you too, grow up once more.
This brought me to tears, reflecting on my own relationship with my latin mom. Soccer has also been part of our bonding at our household because unfortunately we have a laungague barrier (she only speaks Spanish) (my spanish sometime feels limiting) making Iit harder for us to connect via conversation.
It's inpiring to see your parent respect therapy and find growth within themselves to recconect with you.
I love the shots in the barbershop. It’s really the only time in everyday life where men become vulnerable to other men. there’s this man who has a tool to cut my hair, he can get near me, touch my head, tell me where to look. But that’s it. No other scenario in life will that happen.
Love the thoughts behind the B-Rolls
Love it dude. Thank you
This was such a touching video 🥺 I’m so happy you and your dad were able to reconnect and greatly improve your relationship ❤️
Dad and son disaster bonding filmmaking trip sounds like a good indie dramedy film, just saying
“angry at you, because my idea of you is falling apart. i want you to be the guy i look up to.”
“I wanted my dad to be superhuman, because i was scared of the alternative. Which is that all men are 3d creatures and we all have our personal shit to work out.”
those two parts hit home for me ♥️😭 I’m currently experiencing the same thing with my mother. The words you put is speaking out of my soul. I feel soooooo seen by this experience i’m currently having. through your share of your experience and insights.
Thank you so damn much for this vulnerable share ✨ I’m soo deeply moved and feel such deep gratitude for this nathan 💛
Nathaniel, thank you so much for this thoughtful and generous contribution. My father passed away five years ago, and it wasn't until the few years before that, when he was struggling with cancer, and facing his on mortality, that he allowed himself to expand emotionally, and become more vulnerable; (I'm originally from the Caribbean, and that culture comes with its own set of obstacles for this process.). My dad and I had a very difficult relationship before he was ill, and part of MY journey was similar to what you experienced with your father: I had to give up my idea of who I wanted him to be, who he failed to be (and seriously grieve for that), and embrace who he was. And that's when stuff shifted.
Again, thank you, and I'm happy for you both.
there is something very powerful here. thank you for sharing this Nathaniel.
Nathaniel, on minute 1:08 you included a photo of the Hillsborough disaster that happened in England in the 80s, where fans were crushed to death in the stadium because of poor management and overcrowding. That's one of the photos that documented the dozens of deaths, would be maybe wise to remove it from the video. Hope you consider it! Thank you
Yeah I agree , it’s not the best representation of what you’re saying in that clip
Jeeeeez calm down
@@andrealein157 It is a controversial image in the UK as it is also associated with corruption and the police's systematic failures.
Hi Goncalo! You are totally right that it's been inappropriate to use any images from this incident and we regret on not doing deeper research on the photos we've used for this piece while editing. Thanks for mentioning it!! Thanks for pointing this out!
@@nathanieldrew Sem problema Nathaniel, thanks for the reply and the thoughtfulness.
this is a beautiful video, and i love that you and your father have the type of relationship now where you can speak this freely. i'm not gonna lie, i was gagged by some of the things you said and how your father did not explode at you. "can he do anything?" "i quickly lost a lot of respect for you" 💀
It's difficult to be vulnerable and acknowledge one's faults, but to be able to live in this world, everyone needs to find their truth, faults, and opportunities to move forward.
Very touching video. You are such a thoughtful and inquisitive man. I'm always so impressed with your content. Your father IS a very special man. I enjoy watching his TH-cam channel as well since I'm around the same age and share interests. It's a great strength to be open and vulnerable, and it is ok to be emotional. The world would be a more loving place if more people shared and worked through their emotions. 😊 ~ Jen
BRAVO!!! Retired psychotherapist here. Bravo! Vulnerability and authenticity are so key to having health relationships. All relationships require these two things. We must be brave enough to have conversations that are uncomfortable. If we want to change, we must move in the direction that we want to go, and walk through that discomfort in order to forge a new path to wellness. Bravo!
Thank you for this video, Nathan. It helped me reorganize my feelings toward a relationship with my dad. I also feel happy for you, for having such a great relationship with your dad. It seems like people don't embrace the "it's never too late" mindset when it comes to relationships and changing, shaping, or re-shaping a relationship. You proved that it's possible as long as both parties are willing to put in the effort and that it's all well worth it. Thanks again, Pete.
Like you, I have struggled to fit into the very narrow paradigm of traditional masculinity being a sensitive / creative. Through men’s groups in the UK 🇬🇧 I have been able to connect with other self-aware men which has been such a great experience.
I relate to this so much. My pals are the type who like to tease themselves all the time, to the point where you don't even know anymore when they're being serious or when they're joking. So some of them sometimes feel uncomfortable being around me, even if I am relaxed and try to make conversation. I can take jokes being thrown at me, but most of the time I don't know what to say back.
I follow your parents on their channel and love your father's vibe. I appreciate the way your parents raised you. Well done them, and well done you for creating this video. You've got a lot of support here.
What's their channel?
@@munfurai8083 it is youtube.com/@BeneaththeSurfaceYT
@@JenShea thank you
@@munfurai8083 👍🏻
What an important conversation that I’ve never heard others speak about. Your showing how men complete let go during sports is eye opening and it does make you wonder why men can’t be more vulnerable outside of that context. I really love seeing you and your dad discuss a time when things weren’t so great between you two and the vulnerability that came with that conversation. Thank you for this beautiful and important video. ❤
Thanks for making this.. everything you say resonates with me. Always trying to fit in and be strong and emotionless. I've recently started being me and everyone around me that doesn't get it is left behind. Thank you
What a powerful video bro! I have been talking about a lot of what you said here for the last few weeks, could not believe when I saw the title of your video. As a Uruguayan, I grew up in a society where in order to be accepted as a man in your family or group of friends, you have to love soccer, be athletic, not be overweight, ALWAYS have a girlfriend, etc...my family moved to the US when I was a teenager so I made it out of that with enough trauma to miserably fail at being the typical American man in the south. I'm 36 now, a born again Christian, and healing from all the compounded self hatred. I did not grow up with my biological father, but when I finally met him at age 28, he also had a lot of expectations and was somewhat disappointed that I was not what he recognized as a Uruguayan man, I did not check a lot of the boxes. I don't like sports, I don't always feel like horsing around, making jokes and all that crap. God has showed me how he created me and how he sees me, his original design of a man after his own heart. I feel like I know your dad and I'm sure a lot of his struggles are because of what it meant to be a man in Argentina. I love how he's gone on this journey to redefine what it means to be a man and that in the process he's inspired and been a role model to you. That's what its all about. Uruguay and Argentina have practically the same culture, and I think we have a lot of work to do regarding the masculinity model that is forced on boys growing up in our countries.
this is [fire]! made me tear up thinking about my relationship with my dad. thx for putting this out into the world nate !
I absolutely loved this video. This topic is something I think about a lot. Everything you said resonated so deeply. Wonderful to see how you and your dad interact after ‘having done the work’.
This was just beautiful to watch, especially the part where your Dad broke down, I could feel the pain of being a disappointment just choke him. I'm so glad that you grew even closer after your relationship got tested. I also learnt a lot about struggles men face with masculinity. So enlightening. Your storytelling is next level.
Around 7:00, you told your father you "lost a lot of respect" for him. I can't think of a more hurtful thing to tell your father. Was there a reason you needed to be so cruel? Empathy seems lacking on your part.
true. too harsh and he couldn't put himself in his shoes. dads aren't perfect
Agreed. Or the part about “insanely poor communication on your (his fathers) side”. Just seems like a very non tactful choice of words. “Insane”
You are really one of the best modern day philosopher. I’ve been following you before you had a beard. And now you do look like those guys I see in history books. Your contents are really warm and genuine.
To give context I was born in 1970 and had my formative years in the 70s and 80s era with a dad who expressed himself very little unless he was mad. We didn't speak much and I had a closer relationship with my mom who was a very open, fun-loving person. It was only later in life, in his 80s, as he got sick and old, that he became more open, sensitive, vulnerable, and expressive with his love and emotions. That's a lifetime missed of knowing who my dad really was. How it shaped me was, despite having 3 brothers, I never really had strong bonds with boys/men in general, because what men portrayed didn't jibe with who I am. I'm an artist, designer, musician, creative, athlete, and now husband and dad. I played soccer all my life, since 2nd grade through my 40s and ice hockey from my teens to today. In high school I played football but hated the culture within the team, there was just too much muchismo for my liking. I stuck with soccer and hockey as even though those sports had a show of strength and competitiveness, there is more of a humbleness in players of those sports which fit my personality more. Now I am 53 and I have only a handful of male friends which I've kept since high school. These core few have similar personalities to me which is why I get along with them and I'm not afraid to share my emotions or problems with them. Even though we rib each other, I know these guys don't judge me and if I need them they would be there for me in any capacity, as would I for them. In general, I don't have a lot of guy friends and I probably have more female friends than guy friends and I think it's because I can be more open with them. Most of the guys I'm around daily, encounter, or grew up with all with have that same mentality of trying to be big, bad, strong, assertive, alpha, manly men that society has defined for us. And that just never clicked with my personality because it all seems like a front after seeing countless guys struggle to maintain those traits. I had a mom and sister who I was able to be very open with my emotions and having brothers that I had to compete against I think gave me a good balance of being strong while being able to express my feelings. But the question is why can't it be that way for everyone? Why do men have to maintain a facade of strength and not express emotion and why is it only okay for women to do that? As people we should just be able to portray all these things without boundaries, as to make a complete person. Like you said, I think it takes a stronger man to be able to go against the "norm" and be able to be vulnerable, show weakness, and not be scared of what others will think. That fear is what holds us back and that fear of what people think is what makes men put up this wall around our fragile selves. I think having supporting friends and family is all you need to be your true self. If you can not care what others feel about you then you're in better shape than most. But we all have feelings inside and it shouldn't be frowned upon or shown as weak if you express them. Why do you think women like a man who can do that, because that's their authentic self, not what society wants to see. We're all humans, we all have emotions, we're not robots. Nobody is perfect, we all have flaws and weaknesses, and we shouldn't be ashamed to show them. It's what makes you a real person.
OMG, I just realized I've watched your dad's videos of them moving abroad and I didn't know you were related.
It’s really not that hard, I think most men struggle to share because they are deep down insecure. Once you’ve got your shit together and respect yourself you stop giving AF, as such you can be open.
Also worth noting there is a big difference between being a weak little beta and being a strong guy who is in pain.
Most of men in society is the former. It is our responsibility to build ourselves to be strong in all realms and be stoic. Much of the challenges in life are simply based on how we look at things not the things we look at.
Peace.
Always at a loss words after watching your videos, so cinematic, so insightful, so authentic just absolutely amazing
Great video - as usual. One of my self-identifying "superpowers" is that I understood at a fairly young age (early adolescence) that my parents were people first, then parents. I know adults who still don't get this, and because of this, there are so many misunderstandings between children and parents that last all their lives. With me knowing this at such a young age, I was able to still feel secure in the general security they provided, but also understood there were things not in their control - and the even bigger one, that hey, they can make mistakes also. But through it all, I never doubted their unconditional love for me or my siblings. As I am fond of still saying (I'm 65), I've been blessed that I learned from my parents as much what NOT to do as to do, because again - they make mistakes like all people - and just as importantly, we are different, and what was right for each of them to do would not necessarily work for me to do. ♥
You’re helping us as men move forward. Thank you 😢.
The level of nuance and humanity in this video ❤
I went through a breakup a couple of months ago and I had to go through a massive self discovery phase as I let myself fall into a toxic situation and did not speak up about the things around me. I have watched a lot of things about being a man and how to be the best version of the man the alpha male side of youtube you could say. I feel like I fell into this phase because I know that I was not confident and assured enough in the relationship and I know this is something women strive to see in guys. Although there are some great points about motivation and not letting things get in the way of you acheiving things in life it is also easy to fall into a rabbit hole of isolating yourself and pushing people away. I think videos like this help with showing that being vulnerable is extremely important for growth just as much as soldiering through issues is. And having low moments and having low feelings is completely normal. It is hard to know exactly what the way forward should be but I know I have learnt some valuable lesson from videos like this and the videos on discipline and stoicism that are provided more from the alpha male side. In the end I think I also realised it doesn't matter what women are looking for it matters about improving yourself and your emotions. You will always be the most important thing in your life no matter what, like they say on planes you have to put your mask on before anyone elses.
Considered urself lucky to have had the opportunity w ur father. It's a must n a gift 🎁 of life. I did w my father. N what u learn from the experience is to value urself not only as a man but also as a human being. It's a powerful experience where it will transform ur humanity toward growth, spirituality, emotional intelligence, n love. U embrace both ur masculine n feminine energies n therefore u understand urself better n other men. Thank u 👍
7:37 this is what we need more of. Thanks for sharing your perspective
I love seeing moments like the one you had with your dad. I lost mine when I was 21 and my biggest regret comes from me never getting to really know him as like yourself I fell in love with the arts and I always had a quirky non masculine personality which he never understood. I wish I could have put those feelings aside and just talked to him and learned more about him. I hope more people see this and realize how unhealthy these standards and expectations are , thank you for your work 🙂.
Great video! You always hit such good topics really! It’s funny because I’m going through this same thing with my dad and seeing another side of him the less “manly’ part and more of the soft part but I only get it in small pieces. Thank you Nathaniel.