Long-Distance Relationships - The BRUTAL Truth About How to Make Them Work (Matthew Hussey)
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- เผยแพร่เมื่อ 28 ก.ย. 2024
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For a long time I thought it was crazy how many women asked me to talk about this topic.
But now, I realize the reason is obvious: In 2017, more of us are doing long-distance relationships than ever.
You meet a great guy on Instagram who doesn’t live in the same country...
You start dating the perfect man in your city, only to find out he’s been offered a new job 1000 miles away…
And suddenly, you find yourself having “Skype dates”, and you now spend half your work day sending silly photos to each other on Whatsapp.
You feel like you’re falling in love with this guy - but can it actually work long term??
Should you follow your heart and go for it, or should you listen to your head and call it quits? What’s the answer?
These are big questions, so I decided this it was time to be super honest about long-distance and my thoughts on it.
Here’s what you really need to know...
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A long distance relationship is a PROMISE, not a relationship. You promise to be in a relationship in real life. You promise to work it out and end the distance. You promise to have a future with the person. It's all promises, and it can be broken so easily. When you think about ldr, you literally have to say, "this will not and should not be permanent." If you truly like/love someone, ldr is temporary. It has to end somehow.
Panda Eyes 👏👏👏
Panda Eyes brilliantly said !!
Panda Eyes i disagree, to an extent. It IS a relationship. A real, true, relationship. Should you aim to be together in person? In most cases, yes... The only thing you are missing out on is physical touch in long distance relationship, and you can have an extremely healthy, happy relationship without that, in my opinion. Religious people do it all the time. :) Being together in person definitely adds to the relationship in a positive way but ultimately, a long distance RELATIONSHIP is just that. A relationship over a distance.
!!!! this
Interesting perspective!
LDR are very hard but can be worth it. My parents entered a LDR after a year of dating for 2 years. They sent a letter to each other every single day for 2 years. My dad still keeps all the letters my mom sent him in those 2 years in a box in their closet. They have been happily married for 30 or so years. If they could do it before skype , texting , snap chat and all the ways we have created to keep in touch with each other can too. I hope my parents story can give hope to those in LDR who are really trying to make it work.
Caroline Decker Thats so sweet! Thanks for sharing :)
Caroline Decker A letter is so special and meaningful. Thank you for sharing.
Caroline Decker That's sooo romantic
Yeah my Dad is quite the romanitc.
It’s easier for your parent generation to keep it, no phone no social media no anything
Just broke up with someone who I thought was the love of my life. We were in a long distance relationship for 8 months but we were involved long before that. It was the hardest thing in my life to accept the fact that this wouldn't be long term. He had way different priorities than I and it wouldn't be sustainable with me carrying the relationship on my back. To all the women (and men) out there in a similar situation. I promise it's better to be alone than with someone who makes you FEEL alone.
Very honest and truthful post ... I agree with you. especially about people's priorities.
I’m dealing the exact same situation and now I know what I should do :)
I agree! I was in a relationship with a guy that did actually live in my town. But he might as well have just lived 2 hours away!! He would see me 2 or 3 times a month for a "date" (where he would proceed to look at every other woman in the vicinity!!) Man, I am glad I broke up with him! lol. We would see each other a few minutes at other times during the month (a VERY few minutes and very few times, plus he was always upset about something (and it was a big drain and stressful)
I felt very alone.
We are better off alone and happy than in an unsatisfactory relationship with someone who will not put in the effort.
Nathalie Alma Thank you for this. I feel like a horrible person for breaking up. But I can’t live from holiday to holiday. I just want to build a real life. I have generalized anxiety disorder & a panic disorder and I said from the start that long distance is not for me. He is going through something really hard right now so I tried to hang in there. But the level of anxiety of trying to be in a relationship with someone who isn’t really willing to work on a realistic plan that could work out for both of us just makes me think he isn’t really ready. And I am just not capable of being in a long distance relationship. The anxiety that I am going through is making me physically ill and mentally drained. I lost 2 kilos in one week (which is rare for me), I constantly feel like I’m going to throw up and I don’t eat, I don’t sleep. Anxiety/panic disorders do not go well with long distance relationships , not for me at least. And he knows about my anxiety & about the fact that I don’t want long distance, but he just keeps saying: “I want to be with you.” But there’s no plan and he has other obligations right now that are really understandable circumstances ( his mom passed away), so I do want to be there for him, but I’m mentally drained because of my own anxiety. I feel so selfish for breaking up, but I’m just spiraling in anxiety Day in, day out. I was going to break up with him after one month of dating (of which 2 weeks were long distance), because I just knew: okey this long distance thing is not going to work for me. And then his mom passed away and then I felt like I needed to stay for him to support him and be there for him. There’s also an ex-girlfriend lingering in the background and this was also an issue. Tbh my mind is just overwhelmed and I tried to put him first, due to the obvious very very sad event of his moms passing. I told myself he and his needs are more important than me and my needs right now. It’s 18 days after her passing and I am just drained from my anxiety and depression that follows my anxiety. I can’t do it anymore. I don’t want to live from holiday to Skype conversation. The timing sucks and makes me feel like a monster for breaking up with him. I really like him, but I can just tell that it’s not going to move forward. Because he’s fine with not seeing each other even for two years. He rather not see me for two years than live with me because it’s too soon for him. I agree that living together would be too soon. But living in different countries is just not going to work for me. I tried everything to move to his city, but it’s very hard to find anything (job with housing). If I had the money, I would be there already but I don’t. And I am doing everything on my own because he’s having to deal with his moms passing of course. I offered him time and space, he said he didn’t want that. Now in a recent argument where I said that I am tired of trying on my own because it’s just not working, he said that it’s normal that he want time and space with his family. I am just drained from the stress and my anxiety you all. A relationship is not supposed to feel like this. Even is hard times. The relationship is just up in the air, nothing solid and he just expects me to stay. I can’t do this. If that makes me a horrible and weak person so be it. My anxiety has been there for years before I met him and it means that I cannot do everything in life. One of those things is long distance relationships. But he doesn’t seem to understand that 😔 and then he says: what is so wrong with me that you want to break up with me? 💔
😱 someone help me. I love him but I cannot mentally die for him and let myself slip back into a depression that I just started getting out of after 20 years of depression. And also the constant state of anxiety, I just can’t handle it anymore.
@@alicegoldenvalley
give him a deadline to come see you.
if he's committed, he'll step up.
My husband and I were in a 4 year LDR before we married. It was hard but we survived. Most relationships fail- so you can’t generalize that a LDR is bad because many of them fail. It wasn’t till we were married and saw other couples that we realized how much stronger being apart had made us. Communication skills are the only thing that keeps a LDR working.... and surprise surprise- it helps when your married too! LDR are not easy, but like a lot of hard things, they can be very rewarding.
I seriously think long distance really is all about the dedication of two people towards each other. It's not about how much time we spend with one another it's the time we give someone to make them feel that they have someone there for them.
Am I the only one who doesn't have to much problem with LDR? I kind a like it. I have enough time to concentrate on study, college and work. Of course we talk everyday, have videocalls regularly. Is not perfect but is not that bad either
it is good when you are a student that's true, but be careful when you are done studying and you will want an irl relationship mine was good when I was a student but then when I finished my studies it just ended because it was going nowhere, and as he said you should have a plan but be careful honey, I had a plan with him but you know when the whole relationship is based on talk that plan can be as well just talk, and talk is cheap but time is very valuable, I really wish yours end up happily, but just be careful, and I am telling you this because I wish someone had told me this, I missed so much opportunities on being in a real life relationship with amazing guys just because I was in ldr that didnt end up as we planed, ponder this over honey and best of luck, and I wish you all the happiness in you life.
Jule Sparkle so thank you, yes we already talked about it and if things goes right I moving with him when I finished. We will see each other lindo of once a month and half so I’m optimistic. Like you said I hope everything go well, time is gold :)
Maria Alejandra Calderón ikr! Not that bad, also gives me more time to miss each other.
@@ahlambeyoud1709 re
I see your point, but in my case this is not too much the case. I like going out with my boyfriend and meeting friends with him, but now I would be talking with him on the phone, and THEN go and meet friends in my city, so actually I have less time.
I'm currently in a long distance relationship, and have been since December 2013. It takes so much trust, patience, and understanding. We have met 4 times, the most recent meeting ending just 2.5 weeks ago. Being together felt like a dream. However, we have no idea when we will close the distance, as our situation is very complicated even though he is willing to move to be with me. In the meantime, we Skype hours every single day, and do our best to keep out spirits up even when we're missing each other. Just thought I'd share my experience. Here's to LDR couples staying strong.
hypergiggles14 that is amazing! wish u guys luck and sending you all the positive energy!! keep on loving each other 💕
+ Bonn Dell aww thank you so much! :)
hypergiggles14 blessing to you I understand what you going through
hypergiggles14 keep on going Em! cheers
Any plans on moving together in the future? Good luck.
Many people saying that long distance relationships allow us to know one's soul more deeply. It's definitely not like that. I truly believe that it doesn't matter how much time you're in a relationship with someone, you don't know them as deeply as you would if you were actually nearby. We have characteristics that people can only see when they're with us daily, during the good, bad and boring moments of our days. I've been in a LDR for a year and, whenever I meet my boyfriend during my trips, I discover something (and not always pleasant) about him. It doesn't mean he's fake or that he hides his flaws, but just that, as I said, there're many things we can only see when we're with our partner.
I met my husband 10 years ago. He was in the Navy and deployed to Australia to work with our Army. We reconnected through social media a year and a half ago, and did long distance for 6 months until I could visit him in the US. We’re lucky I’m a dual citizen and after a few months of selling and packing my life up, now we’re together and couldn’t be happier!! It can work as long as you have a clear plan, communicate well and commit to your relationship.
Tara King good for you I’m also in a military LDR and he is currently deployed. It’s been hard but we’re both committed to each other and open and honest about our feelings. We’ve been together a year now and I don’t see anyone else I’d rather spend my life with and him with me.
I am in a long distance relationship yeah my boyfriend lives in the future ...how about that lol #IamOut
O_miss_T 😂😂😂😂
So like you live in Mexico and he in the usa
😂😂👌
😂👍
That was a good one 😅
So this maybe will help someone. After almost 3 years of long-distance, my fiance broke up with me, we were getting married in February. Now, I do not understand the real reasons, but I never got to travel 11 000 km to find out. My heart is shattered to pieces, and it's been almost three months. This is kind of why I got to this channel, to seek advice, but may I give you one. If he is not willing to see you through these extraordinary circumstances and make effort to make you a priority, he isn't worth it. I almost worshipped him, yes, I still love, love isn't something that ends after a breakup. But, it hurts so much and I know, women leave everything for men more ofthen. Guard your hearts guys.
J K It's heartbreaking to hear your story :(. I'm so sorry it didn't work out for you guys. I hope you will come out of this situation stronger than ever before :). Stay positive!!
Yes, with self-knowledge from this in the future you can be protected. Wishing you swift heart-healing, and I’m so sorry for your experience. I just had to separate from someone who was assuming I’d move to be with him, when I’m the one with aging family nearby. I never looked for this situation, and now I remember - oh yeah! I don’t have to do this again! Hard to let go but it was the best thing. If he wants to be near, he can uproot *his* life. As women we’re often so accommodating, it can sneak up on us. I completely get it! Hugs...
Same here 😕 but he left me for someone else and he keeps claiming how we both agreed to move on which is false, I had no choice while he was falling for his coworkers. A guy who isn’t committed to you or has no respect for you isn’t worth the distance. I’m sorry this happened to you. I know how bad it feels.
Amazing words, I'm in a long distance relationship for 1 year and he is really younger than me, and we had to broke up 3 days ago, it's the begining of the hell world for me, I'm dying slowly
I feel you. But remember it, someone new come to take again. Ganbatte :)
6 years and in the end I realized I fell in love with what I thought we were, not actually what was truth. You do miss out a lot, unfortunately you never get to know their real self unless you see them in real life and interact with them. That taught me the reality that I wasn't happy with him, as much I as I loved him, he wasn't for me as I panned out in my mind about him.
I wish I watched this video earlier... I spent 5 years to be with someone far away, it finally ended 2 years ago... it was really sad... I finally realized that if someone wants to be with u, they will make the effort...
I like Jonathan's comment. That's what it all boils down to-is one willing to move to where the other one lives. I met my now husband while in the military while stationed overseas in Japan. He was from Massachusetts and I was originally from Ohio. Before he ever proposed to me, we talked about where we would settle down and live and raise a family. I would have liked to have moved back to Ohio, but my husband had a dream of going back to the Boston area and practicing law. Not only that, but his bar license was from Massachusetts and he wouldn't be able to get reciprocity in any other state without taking the bar exam again. I agreed to move to Massachusetts with him and my mom was so broken hearted because I didn't move back to Ohio. She described it to people that it seemed like she "lost" me, as if I were dead. She resented me for it. She passed away a couple of years ago. I wasn't there when she was sick, but I was there with her for her final days. I feel guilty that I wasn't there more for her, but I had my own life in Massachusetts with raising kids and a full time job. It's definitely something to think about. Yeah, I missed my family. My mom had 7 siblings, and only 2 of them are left. My dad had 3 siblings and only 2 of them are left. He passed away when I was 15. It's been hard hearing about your aunts and uncles slowly all dying away. I haven't lived in Ohio for 26 years, but I go back to visit often. But what do you do when someone you have fallen in love with has a goal of being a lawyer at a firm in Boston which is far away from where your family is in Ohio. It's like I had to choose my husband over my family. A day hardly goes by without me thinking about how much my mom would call me and tell me how much she missed me and wished that I would move back to Ohio. I have been happily married for 19 years and I don't regret the decision I made, but everyday, I have this guilty feeling lurking over me. I've learned that you have to go where life takes you.
Eva Volkin my SO is also military and has been deployed overseas for the last year. It’s hard being in a LDR but I also know he is the one I am meant to spend my life with. Even though the physical intimacy isn’t there right now doesn’t mean it won’t be. It just means that all other aspects of our relationship have grown and matured over this last year. There needs to be trust on both sides to make it work and we both have talked about the future and where we see our relationship going. He feels as strongly for me as I do for him so after we do the dating/ courting part when he gets back I believe there may be a proposal in the future for me and let’s just say he wouldn’t have to wait for an answer. Lol.
I’m in the same boat, my girlfriend doesnt want to move here but it will be very hard for me to move and leave my all time friends and family, i feel like i have to choose so i dont know what to do
I was in a long distance relationship for 2 years… then I moved when we bought a house together 🙂❤️ we have been together 8 years together 6 of them living together.
That is how my marriage started and that is how military marriages have to work when the man goes out to war. The key is all in commitment.
COMPLETELY AGREE!!!
My ex was too damn lazy to move with me after I found out I got into graduate school; he wanted to stay at home to live with his parents, work only part time (when he could be working full time and making 60k/yr enough to live and move with me).... def not committed enough.
I definitely think money and finances has a huge role to play in maintaining a serious committed exclusive relationship.
My current partner wants to do long distance without even a plan as to when he's gonna move in with me, as he barely even makes enough money in his blue collar service job AND lives with his parents and can't really support himself independently.
I think people need to be able to support themselves fully and independently before supporting someone else!! I really do feel that money is very important, especially when you know what it's like to not have any.
My gf of two years and I have been long distance the entire time and are doing great! It's the healthiest relationship either of us have had. She's close enough to drive and visit about once a month. We take turns seeing each other, and plan as many trips as possible. She's stayed with me for up to ten days at a time. We know each other so well, and have supported each other through very difficult things. We've made plans to move in together, get married, and start a family in a couple years. I'm very excited about it!
Did you guys got married? After how long living together?
@@irislama4695 hi there! We did move in together! We will have been living together a year next month. It's been wonderful!
This video just hit home. My LDR partner has traveled all over the place, but everytime he is suppose to visit me....something comes up. Everytime I try to visit him, its not a good time. Red flags started popping up everywhere. There are only so many excuses that can be said before you realize the truth and trust is gone. I started blaming myself for his lack of effort, but then I realized....if I'm not important enough for a text or call daily, then how will a relationship work in person. So, I removed myself from it. I had to start thinking about myself and my well being and I'm actually happy now. I'm single, and I get lonely, but right now....I'm focusing on myself and improving me before I try to love again.
I'm from Portugal, he is from Africa. We met when he went to my college in Portugal to do his last year of degree. We started dating and we were together for 7 months. He had to go back to his country (Africa and Portugal is more complicated because of passports and stuff :( and we made 2 months LDR. He visited me for 11 days back in October and it was amazing. The goodbye part is the worst part and now we don't see each other for 4 months, it really hurts. Only 2 months left for us to be together, I can't wait. We really love each other and plan one day to get married.
I’m in a long distance relationship and i know it’s difficult but if the efforts made are from both the sides then things make sense. You both should appreciate each other and invest some time together every day. Also be smart in understanding the person, if he or she is showing signs of not being in the same mindset as your then stop the relationship instead of dragging it.
This video came up at the exact perfect time. It left me with a bit of sadness because I've just jumped into a long distance relationship that I know it's gonna be log distance for at least two years.
Hi. So it's been 2 Yeats after you wrote this comment and jumped into LDR. How is(was) it going? What advices can you give? Maybe shortly tell your story? 😅
How did it go?
Wow, a lot of comments...we had a long distance relationship, but we talked a lot, probably more than some couples living in the same place. After 5 years (we lived in different European countries) I moved to be together and I don't regret it. I now realise proximity is essential and enjoying every minute of it. This relationship was constructed step by step (monthly visits, holidays and a lot of communication and commitment from both of us), we are not perfect, but we are enjoying and evolving together. Matthew is right, assess the relationship, have a plan that you build together. Make sure you are in it for the right reasons, not just for the sake of being in a relationship. A big kind hug for everyone out there in a distant relationship...I know it's not easy.
Long distance relationship is not for everyone. I met my boyfriend online, starting dating but later find out he was dating other women online. Lucky are those who found the right one.
Same!! It was terrible...
Long distance relationships are hard!
Wow! A video that wasnt just an ad for his retreat!
Such a discouraging video really 😩 You don’t immediately have to know for sure about moving in, you can do a couple visits, take your time. And moving in is different than wanting to live in the same city!
There is a distinction between a long distance relationship and a long distance flirtation. A relationship implies both parties are committed to each other and doing what it takes to make it work. That includes moving.
It depends on how honest you are and blunt. I met my husband online (he's 6,000 miles away in Serbia) We met in person in June for the first time and found we were exactly who we said we were and knew our love was real. Got married three weeks later. I had to return stateside and we are now long distance again until he can come to states in 6+ months.
Great video Matthew! I've been in a long distance relationships before and didn't work out and I'm sick and tired of it. I believe this has wasted a lot of my precious time, energy & money and now I'm above 30 and not sure if I'll ever be with a real someone after those unsuccessful long distance relationships.
I've been in a LDR for a month. He is coming to see me for the weekend. We are in different sides of the country. He is working, I am finishing school and saving up money. As soon as my school is done, I'm moving to him and I am more than willing to follow him wherever his work takes him. Our ldr is temporary with marriage as our end goal once I'm done with school. I love having him in my life and it is difficult but in the end, it will be worth it.
Firstly, Happy New Year Everyone.
Amazing video Matthew.
I can relate to every point you made. I have actually been in a long distance relationship for 4years now. Created my channel on TH-cam to share my experiences with people.
Here's my opinion. Like you said, a fixed date to see eachother is primary for the survival of the relationship. Sacrifice is also indispensable. In my case, I'm the one to move in 4months ...yeeeeaaah!
However, i have come to learn a whole lot and i repeat, a lot, about myself and my partner thanks to the distance. We have also grown a certain indescribable level of connection that sometimes all I do is close my eyes, speak and he hears me. I don't know if there's a scientific research that backs that up. lol. Point is, LDR does work when both parties are deeply dedicated. We give away our desire for physical intimacy for that one person we believe is worth it. And everyday, since the last time I saw my partner (2years now) I have never regretted committing to him. Every decision we have taken in these 4years have been geared towards one goal "reuniting'. This is why TEAMWORK is more than vital. I cannot stress it enough. If one person alone is pushing for the relationship, if one person alone is willing to make the sacrifice- it won't work.
The story may be different though for those who met online and have never seen eachother.
If readers do not mind, they can visit my very small youtube channel for different tips on how to survive LD relationships.
God bless.
I've been in a long distance relationship for over two years now, and there are time when it gets soooo difficult, ofc the thought of breaking up has crossed my mind, but if you love your partner enough and believe that there is a future together waiting for you, then I think it is worth the wait 'cuz every time you see each other is so rewarding and amazing.
basically it all depends on an individual, in my opinion
I've been in a LDR since February (2019) and we'll be together this summer. He sees a future and I agree. I believe he's my flame twin.
I was in a relationship that after 2 years turned into a long distance relationship because he moved to another country ...I resisted one other year, basically for all the promises he made but as soon as he started to let me down, I started to open up to new people and have physical attraction for someone else...I still feel connected to him in a kind of way because our story didn't not end for lack of love but for the circumstances but I still think that long distance relationships are self destroying!
Something just awesome came up to my mind about LDR. So, if you are in ldr you can get an item(like a bracelet,necklasse,ring) that you can both wear(thats not to feminine or masculine) and you can swap it every time you meet. When you come to your partner you give him/her that item. Than he/she has a memory of you. Than next time you meet he/she gives you it and than you have a memory. Isn't that cool and romantic?!
It can work. It worked for me almost 20 years ago, when I was a 15 years old teenager living in Brazil who met over the internet a Brazilian guy 3 years my senior living in Japan. Despite him living in the other side of the world, we couldn't stop talking to each other everyday, even when he didn't have internet anymore. It was like we always knew each other, and it hurt to not be together fiscally to the point that he came here to meet me in person one year later. The next year he came back so we could marry, and after 3 years, I went to Japan to live with my husband for good. So, if you talk and listen to each other and both respect the relationship you're in, it will be worth all the pain the distance have caused to you, because you'll know it was a hurdle that was there to strengthen what you have. True love is meant to cause suffer and pain sometimes, and if you're able to survive, it will be worth it in the end. Trust me, 3 years of pain were worth it, since I've been married for 17 years with the love my life.
I've met my special someone in a coffee shop in the Philippines, spent 3 weeks with him everyday and we decided not to get intimate until marriage. I went back to hongkong then he visited me just last week. Now he's in Ukraine, then Philippines again for work. Next week I will be in USA for work as well. He'a Ukrainian, Im Filipina. I guess the constant travelling is our common ground and realized no matter who we get into a relationship with, it will always be LDR. Before we decided to be in this relationship, we know we both wanted it. We made rules and sticked with it. He would always encourage me to talk and communicate with him for a better foundation. So far so good 😊
My long distance boyfriend just broke up with me because he said he was done. He couldn't do it anymore not being able to see me and be together the way we used to before I had to move away. I'm heartbroken now because I planned on marrying him someday. I thought it was working out well enough. We each had our own lives and I guess we didn't communicate enough like we should have. Before it happened i was happy. I had made everything I thought about to be somehow about him. I even quit watching these videos. I figured I wasn't going to ever need to find another guy again. That fantasy emploded in my face cuz here i am again unloading my heart out to the internet and just back to square one. I really don't want to start over. I feel like I am getting too old for this and the dating pool is shallow. My heart can't take anymore after 40 plus break ups since puberty. I've exhausted my heart to its limits to where I feel like there are no more chances for me at love.
Joycelyn Porter it's OK.. He doesn't deserve you life is good without him
Three years of never seeing each other has taken a toll on our relationship. We always argue and he always dumps me almost every week. Its crazy painful when youre seriously invested in something virtual lol.
I tried to stop it from becoming more than a friendship but all his attentions made feel safe to trust him and brave enough to want him in spite of distance. Before anything could ever happen he realised he didn't want to fall for me to just have a long distance relationship and decided we could no longer keep in touch. He then changed his mind and asked for more time because he was confused, but so was I and I respected his doubts. I've waited but one day he stumbled and I found out the hard way he was on a relationship already. The best explanation he gave was that it was an on and off thing but as I asked for more he disappeared. After all the time lost what hurt the most was not the lies but the way he didn't care enough to say the truth at last.
To be almost lovers feels like giving up on something you never had and overwhelming like waking up from a dream to reality.
I am married and its still we are in long distance relationship..due to situations we cant be together always seeing each other every 3 months for a,few weeks
Fareena Hanes I'm in a long distance relationship with my bf. We see each other for a week every four months and plan on getting married soon.
Fareena Hanes i am too 😕
And after marriage will it be the same ?
No. We are currently going through his visa process. It takes 12 months apparently. Then he will live with me in Australia.
@fareena hanes how far apart are you all?
I became friends with someone who lives on another continent on a film page nearly a year ago. We talk for hours, and touch base nearly every day. After months of chatting by text we finally talked on the phone (I was too shy) and we eventually became intimate. I've not met a man this stimulating for decades. I'm grateful for this sweet, wise, intelligent man who I hope to meet most likely early next year. I'm game, the risk is worth it.
I've been in a long distance relationship for 1,5 years....turns out I was just a replacement for for one of his best female friends that lived in his city and he couldn't get her to be his girlfriend. He shattered my heart. I'll never invest in long distance relationships ever again.
I've had a long distance relationship for a year n a half.. we see each other every 5-6 months for a whole month.. :") yesterday he broke up with me cause he thought he was missing on a lot.. yet he keeps telling me he loves me and it's for the best of us.. I was going to wait for him forever and I never thought of distance cause I loved him more than I loved myself.. my heart broke and I feel like shit this is exactly what I need thank you Matthew.. thank you :")
Im in a long distance relationship for almosr 2 years
And it is hard, i feel lonely most of the time
I love her, i realy do, but sometimes it feels like im the only one investing in this relationship and it hurts, a lot
I just need someone to hold me, someone to talk to, someone who is there when i need them
You still together?
Long distance works until it doesn't. The fact of the matter is that you are apart, growing separately. In my situation, I loved the man, and he didn't know how he felt (after nearly five years). The bottom line was that he didn't/wouldn't go the distance to be together; I was the one who was always winding up on his doorstep. Which is never a good sign. If you are going to brave this kind of relationship, make sure the other person is willing to tow the mark. If not, walk on by.
"Cant have him? We ll see about that. O.o o.O" lmao
I had my doubts today... This video helps... You just showed me what everyone is saying, she wasnt fit for me... I was supposed to move to her across the Atlantic... She didnt want to help me with the paperwork but before she wanted to brake up with me because 'i didnt want to move to her' as soon as i said i will... She stopped... Thank you Mathew and everyone... Proving me right... I have to stop looking for the mistakes in myself
I was in a long distance relationship, was worth it because now we are married, after a year and 5 months together. It's hard to keep it alive but it's totally possible.
How did they do it, that is how did that conversation get married?
We ended up getting divorced, I’m sorry to give this reply.
I think it works, if you have a common goal. It worked for me, because we knew that we would move in together after one year of being together. :)
I love him enough to move in with the other person, but I am afraid that he will not appreciate my sacrifice and he will take me for granted.
If he will not appreciate that or take you for granted then save yourself from that relationship. He’s def not worth your sacrifice if that’s the case. But the problem is you have to make the sacrifice first then find out how things gonna turn out with him. Good luck 👍🏼
sitting here and can't relate because I'm totally and completely single AF 😄. Luckily for me I LOVE it. I really don't want a relationship. So I don't know why anyone would want a long distance relationship because I don't even want one where I could see him everyday 😝
emma Woods agreed! I don't know how LDR's are even successful. The majority of men in LDR will eventually end up being physically intimate with someone else who is in close proximity anyway meanwhile still telling their LDR woman how much they love her. I agree that being single is a wise choice, especially in these times. I ended my last relationship 5 years ago and I've been much more peaceful remaining single.
This is by far the most accurate video on LDR I have ever seen! Won't lie I too am in a LDR and this Was something I always worried about.
Thank u for sharing this
I have been in several long distance relationships. Not all have been the right choice. However I just got into a LDR with one of my best friends. We have known each other for about 14 years. I am very confident that this relationship will work . I have already been down to his hometown to visit him. Relationships take work . Put in the effort people!
YOUR VIDEO TOPICS ARE ALWAYS RIGHT IN TIME!!!!
WOOOOOOOOOooow! I just got out of a possible LDR situation and I think the term Jameson came up with "cognative distonance" is SO REAL!!! I think if he was in the same area as me we wouldn't have made it as far as we did. All the points you made in this video were valid. All the way to the sex/intimacy part. I think I possibly fell in "lust" and got caught up in the fantasy of our situation. Which sounds crazy& like a fetish maybe?¿😬 but I think ultimately I knew it couldn't work, even though there was a part of me that hoped it would, but maybe more for the fantasy of it all. "Be honest with yourself," "Know thy self," and I'll add one..."Trust yourself," can this really work? If the answer is no, it'll be hard at first(I'm currently going through that hard part, but slowly working my way out), but you can do it.
My husband of 2 years has been across the country from me for 1 year now. We of course were together for 6 years before he moved for work. We decided that it was best for our daughter to stay in one place to keep her in a stable environment and have him come to visit or vise versa. This is because, it was only a year. We both had a date where all my stuff had to be packed up and ready for movers to take it away to go be with him. Physical was soo important to both of us. However, the time apart helped us grow more intimate emotionally and learn how to have hard conversations that we were struggling to have before, when we had sex to silence them. We really found so much value in our relationship. We were definitely felt tested. And it really caused us to question our feelings for one another and our trust. But, I felt so ready to move to him when I did because we worked out all of that stuff before I got there. And when we were finally reunited, I felt like he learned to appreciate me being there more. But, we did not indefinitely stay apart AND we were both already committed to eavhother. We knew we were sexually attracted to each other, we knew what the others strengths and weaknesses were ahead of time. I don't think it's a good idea to start a relationship long distance
This definitely struck a chord with me. I've been in a long distance relationship for 3 years but still don't feel like I have been with this person long enough to take the next step. The horrible thing is that he's ready but I'm not so I keep hurting him by saying I'm still not ready :(
This is exactly my situation, just the other way around. My boyfriend of two years keeps telling me that he's not ready, that he needs more time but I am and for me two years is more than enough to know if you want to give the next step with someone. Did you feel ready at some point? Or your doubts were about him being the one? Hope everything is going well for you.
Are you now together?
I met someone on my travels and been talking to him exclusively for some time now. He's coming to visit me in about a month and this hit me hard....
I am in a LDR for about one and a half year, we live in different country, but we managed to meet each other 2-3 times a year, i've met his parents, and he has met mine. until recently, i asked him about what he thinks about our future, he said it's complicated, one is that we live in 2 countries, second is that the time we spent together were "vacation" time, and it's not easy to find out if the other person is the right one. I agree with what he said, he has always been rational, plus his brother married a woman, which they met online too, and apparently they aren't having the best time, he even said if not the procedure of getting a divorce was so complicated, he would have divorced her already ....
Well, I agree with Matt that we need to have a plan to make this LDR works and make our times worth, but i believe we will work out! cause love conquers all.
What started as a long distance relationship, turned into a happy life with my man. :) Never regret it!
I think if you schedule frequent get togethers in each others spaces it builds a bridge that fills in the gap of physical intimacy. You also get to see them in their environment..warts and all.
The problem comes when neither of you want to move out of your environment..to make the sacrifice of leaving behind your family and friends. Stale mate, and then there is no end insight. The decision to let go is tough. Unless you eventually grow apart and it runs its course.
COGNITIVE DISTONANCE! Yes! Thank you :)
It's so hard but it's so worth it when we're together and I can't wait to move and be closer to him. I guess coming from conservative societies, being in the same country is very similar to being in a LDR. So, we're used to these types of relationships. I just wish we could have more calls but most free calling apps are blocked where he is so we send voice notes and call when we have free minutes to use up. I'm sorry I just miss him so much right now
I'm in the UK, studying, originally from Malaysia. I just graduated and will need to move back home. I've been dating this guy for 3 months now, by the time I go back, it will be 4 months. We are considering on if it's a good idea to go into LDR. We both admitted that we feel more about each other now than when we first met 3 months ago. He travels a lot so we can always meet halfway on wherever he is. And he is willing to travel to see me. And I am willing to move closer to him, I've been trying to get a job here in the UK, but it's not easy, and I'm still trying. But at the same time he had a LDR before that ended badly because of the distance and worried about going through it again. But at the same time I had a LDR before that ended not because of the distance, but on something different completely. So, we never know unless we give it a shot. I guess what we are both struggling with right now is how do we decide, and it's bugging me because time is now our enemy, I'm going back to Malaysia in about 3 weeks.
I'm currently in an ldr with my best friend turned boyfriend. But right now, we took a break because he had been going through some really rough shit in his life and he says he can't be with me if he can't be with himself. And I've been way too selfless and I realized I wasn't taking good care of myself. We do have plans to meet next year and I hope that we'll get past through this.
I love this tangy dose of reality! Ldr has not worked for me in the past because it was a crutch for my being too shy and I need lots of physical intimacy. At this point in my life, however, I've accepted that I may never meet the one in my current country, and it'll be a good 2-3 years before I'm out of college and can travel. There's a guy I've been talking to who blows everyone else out of the water - I could date him and not worry about finding someone better for me, so I feel like I have all the time in the world for him. But we've never met and I make sure to give myself a reality check every now and then: "What if our scents aren't compatible? What if he finds me too odd? etc." One of the hardest things to consider is when to discuss and when to initiate sex, since you'll only be seeing the person maybe for a week once a year.
I personally need a lot of physical intimacy so another difficult conversation to have is whether we want to be intimate with other people until we can close that gap. I'm monogamous but if allowing for each other to have that extra freedom for a time is the difference between making it work and falling apart from the restraint, I'd take the former. Relationships are complicated and rarely cut and dry.
I moved countries for a man when I was 19 years old, we were in LDR for 3 years beforehand. Now I'm 25 and it's been the best thing I've done. Nope, we're *not* together haha I broke up with him after a year but STILL, it made my future so much better! Just make sure you've got something else going on in that country you can fall back on in case it won't work out! I had uni- and look at me now with Honours in Economics! All because of the guy I moved for and broke up with, and I'm happy I did all of it, learned A LOT of things about myself and mostly, things I definitely do and don't want in my man! Good luck either way to anyone thinking about moving! Xx
I am in a distance relationship and its been 2 and a half years now .. we meet only once a year which is like when I come home from vacation from college, for a total it won't be even a seven days a year but the little time I had I spent it with her. LDR does works, it's just about trust and commitment.
I had a cross country relationship with my ex. In the end one of us moved. It was the right decision and ended after several years for different reasons.
My new boyfriend again is a cross country relationship. And in 3 weeks I am moving to England.
Distance relationships are hard, but they can work if you share a goal :)
It worked?
When I think back about my long distance ex I realise I have a whole lot of memories of missing him and sitting alone in my room talking to him about how we wished we could be together and not a whole lot of memories of actually being with him.
I like this one. Matthew really makes sense here. I don't think LDR work. They just don't for all the reasons mentioned.
An LDR? How? I cant even get someone to like me back for more than a few dates 😂😭😢🙁
Perfect timing! I was just getting to know someone far away. I was interested... and he found someone else. It seems to me that I felt safer knowing it was 99% doomed, it still hurt. Honeymoon phase was over. He showed some traits of his real self: saying half truths or lying, megalomania. I learnt I am still scared to open up and need to work on me quite some more.
I've been in a Long Distance Relationship for almost 4 years, and I tell you, it sucks! Really, a waste of time!
It sucks when you don't think the same, when you don't have future plans to get together, when you don't trust your partner enough... You need to be moral, to assume clearly what you need... To not lie to yourself that you can handle it if you can't :))
Vince S. Then why are you in it?
Same!
Me 8 years and now I am 34
Right now I'm in a relationship of 18 months with a guy that is only here for his studies.. Next year he has to go back to Korea to serve in the army for 2 years. This guy has shown me what true love feels like and I've never been with someone that has shown me this level of affection, attention and just only good days even when shit goes down. He is kind and attractive and attentive and funny and sexy, we never fight and if the situation would allow I'd spend the rest of my life with him... But that's not the case.. So we will be together as long as time will allow and love each other unconditionally...
I did a long distance relationship but because we both work remotely we ended up with more physical intimacy than if he had lived in the same city. We lived together in 2 cities which was very strange.
And that's the problem with online dating! Most people there don't take it seriously because they feel it's not real if they are not physically with the other person. I totally agree with Jonathan but most people online won't even take the opportunity to get to know someone if they're not in their area. I'm so done with online dating.
This hit home, I fell into the trap of attempting 1 this year. When I met him it just wasn't there, compared to when we would skype. It went nowhere after that and I realized long distance is not for me. It really does take so much of your time, skyping, texing, being on your phone and not living your actual life. It is something to consider if it's the right fit for you and it's okay if it's not.
"What started as harmless and fun..." That's why you avoid doing that. If you date haphazardly, why would you expect a clean outcome. And Matthew, if sex is the top priority in your relationship, you're going to constantly fail; regardless of distance, characteristics, commonalities, etc. You're building a house on sand.
My boyfriend and I are in a long distance relationship. We met online and were best friends for 3years. I literally knew him better than the people around him. I know his flaws, the bad, the good, etc. I met him in person finally and I was right about who he is and he was right about who I am. When we met we were 2 broken people who had a ton of stuff on our plate. We helped each other cope and learn about ourselves that we didnt realize. Yes, some people dont actually know who they're dating while some do. I think it just depends on the person and how the relationship is. Every relationship is different. From being a past psychology major I realized how much the info is on the average statistic and not everybody is the average statistic. I watched this video since it's recommended to me to see what's it about out of curiosity. Also, we have a plan for what we're doing for the future. It's a secret but we're both committing to it.
This is the best advice I've ever heard on long distance relationships.
Hey Matthew! I really find your videos to be very helpful and this is actually my first time to leave a comment. So, I spent two months in a different country for a summer course and I would go to a cafe every few days where my soon-to-be crush works. Whenever I would go we would constantly smile at each other, but there is one problem...he doesn't speak English, or my native language, and I also don't speak his language. So, we basically spent it on smiles and me pointing at what I want to order from the menu, which was very funny. On the day before I left, I finally gathered up the courage and I spoke to him through google translate! He got out his phone to also use google translate and he wrote "We will miss you." We exchanged phone numbers and we made a deal that we would learn each others languages until we meet again. We've spoken a couple of times since I left, but I noticed that I get attached too quickly and my day-dreams of the future are not intact with what's happening in reality. So, what do you think I should do? Also, what do you think about language barriers and long-distance relationships together? Thanks a lot! :)
This vid about to break so many relationships out there.......
Im so glad you made this video, my boyfriend is moving away to another country soon and I truly don't know how to handle things. I think it would be nice if you made more videos around this subject!
The only thing I can say is that I miss him so much.. ldr sucks! :(
I’ve dated on & off a year now. I’d either fall for someone who wasn’t into me, or the guy would fall for me, and I wasn’t into him. It was getting old. Then I met someone and everything felt “right”. My time with him felt easy and relaxed. We had so much in common...except our area code. I live in the northwest and he’s down south. He travels up here a lot, and I thought it could work. But I was naive. He has kids down where he lives, I have kids up here. There’s no way to make this work, and but I’m so crazy about him. We talked and decided we should move on and find respective partners in our own cities. It’s heartbreaking, because I’m 43 and feel like I had found the missing piece to my puzzle..and had to throw it away. Man, life can be cruel. 😢 I wish him so much happiness, though...he’s a wonderful dad and deserves a wonderful partner.
I think long distance relationships can last although in saying that I've never been in one. If it works for the couple than I don't see what the issue is. I know it would be hard to trust each other living in different cities and there is that concern of being cheated on. But hey do what works for you!
I have been in a LDR for one year and I was ready to move to him and when things became serious, he decided to quit.
Great
I can relate to that. Mine just ended less than 2 months ago. Out of nowhere he started complaining about the distance and boom, it was done. Took me by surprise.
My last girlfriend was a long distance relationship and I don't regret it at all. It was really fun! I wish she wasn't so crazy. The distance wasn't the crazy part, she was!
Yep, I totally agree. I don't mind meeting someone a bit of a distance away from me, but i'm set on where I live and if they wanted me to move out of the beach city i live in the answer would be a firm no. They would have to move to where I live if it was ever going to work, so I focus more on people who are already in my area than those that aren't.
Yes they worth it because you have someone that loves you and at end we will be together 💋
We see each other on weekends and we are just an hour and a half apart ,on the week, which actually is not that bad. We have time to work on our personal projects, which we have many, and then on the weekends we get to share all that happened over the week and I think it gives us personal space. We do have plans of moving together when we both finish uni, and we are working our asses off on the week to achive that. Also I think we don't argue that often now because we don't want to waste our time together fighting. When we were together every day of the week, fights were very regular and we didn't had much time for ouselves. Now we are learning that we can actually be appart and that that doesn't mean we are hurting each others feelings, we are learning a lot this way and we really want to move together when the right time comes, and with all the personal space we have now, we know now that it is totally necessary, we are both creators (I paint and he makes music and cinema), and space is vital. So we are learnning a lot this way.
Hi, we are a LDR couple (Brazil Italy) and.. Is obviously that when you don't have something with you, you desire even more.
Doesn't mean that if you are everyday together you don't love your partner.. But you know is there, so you appreciate less that you have him with you.
When you are so far, paradoxically you know better the other person, cause you speak more then a normal couple, that maybe speak less (even speak should be important in every relationship!) and concentrate more on daily life, hobbies, ecc..
Most important things in my opinion are four:
1) keep in touch everyday (messages, videocall, etc..)
2) trust the other person
3) meet each other everytime is possible
4) have a plan for the future
these are the keys..
Now long distance is more challenging because this will test how much they want this relation how much they want to be with their spouse ( any lengths of distance ) it takes dedication , patience and how much you love and spiritually connected with that person and if the he/she puts the effort to make it work and theirs a lot of trust involve to one another 200% ❤❤ things will go to distance and it has pros and cons but won't be a big problem if it's you and your partner know what to do and what's needed to be done in your relationship ik it's hard but rewarding and before anybody say what's very rewarding about it if the other isn't doing what's needed to be done and here's my answer for you if the person isn't doing anything in your relationship then he/she ain't worth and might as well break it off rather then put more effort but the effort you already putted that your ex partner couldn't do give yourself a pat on the shoulder and tell yourself you did good and my other answer is that if both spouses put the effort and do what needed to be done to make it work it will feel good ( in a emotional and spiritual way ik I might sound like a idiot ) and sorry for bad English I hope this helps in anyway 😊.
Romeo and Juliet were teenagers that were rebels
My Persian Boyfriend knew I was considering moving to a city 1 hour to his current city when we were still just talking and getting to know eachother. He is originally from England. He told me he has a job in that city close now to see me more often. That's commitment I never knew and I have been taking it for granted.
We are currently in a LDR for approx. 2 months now. We live just 4 hours away (Germany) but I am a biotech student and he is a freelance musician, now cook in a restaurant. Sometimes we only talk 30 mins a day because our lives are so busy. And we went through some hardships. I hope things go better from now on
I'm from Bulgaria, he's from Jamaica. We've been in a LDR for over 8 months now. We met in Alaska and lived and worked there together for 3 months. There are a little more than 2 months and we'll hopefully see each other again this summer (2018). Nobody knows what the future holds but our plans for now is for us both to move to Canada after couple of years (I still have 2 years of university) and start our family together. Wish us luck 😁
Maya Koleva Good luck! Sending positive vibes your way :)
When I watch your videos, it literally punches me out of my thoughts and doubts! You are brilliant Matthews .
LDRs are interesting because they can really vary -- my bf of 5 years was in the military for the bulk of it, went through 3 deployments together -- first deployment was genuine hell. Didn't get married because my father was diagnosed with cancer and I needed to spend as much time as possible with him or I'd forever regret it. He passed away and I marvel at how we survived it because it affects me daily even still. Now my bf is out of the military and it's really the first time since we started dating where we see each other daily. It feels like he's on leave and as he's preparing to move to LA, about 40 minutes away, for his new job in a few months, it kind of is in a way. We're planning on saving up and getting more established before getting married (thinking age 30) but this LDR was something we chose -- really I chose -- and would only recommend that you pursue one if, like any choice, you acknowledge that each day you have the choice to find joy in your relationship.