Does Marriage Put More Pressure on a Relationship? | S2 E18
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- เผยแพร่เมื่อ 21 ส.ค. 2024
- This week we address a question one of our viewers had for our Helpful Homo series, but we decided to talk about it as a main episode, and that is: does marriage put an unneccessary pressure on a relationship?
Welcome to Season 2 of Happy Healthy Homo hosted by Keegan Hirst and Joel Wood. Please rate and review us on Apple Podcasts, it'd really help us out: podcasts.apple...
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My husband and I have been married for about eight and a half years now (ever since it became legal here in the USA). We were together for about four years before he popped the question. I don’t feel like it changed a whole lot about our relationship, but I will say that it changed the way we viewed things. It makes everything seem just a little more permanent, more secure. Marriage is also something that the straight people in our lives can understand and respect. We own a house, have our own small business, and our very much in love. For some reason, that marriage ceremony and certificate seems to have lent weight to our relationship in other people’s eyes as well. Saying “my husband” rather than “my boyfriend” also feels a bit more grown up and I kind of love it. I happen to have found my person though and I know that not everyone can say that. I’m grateful to be married to him and I wish that kind of happiness for everyone.
Aww, I hope and pray for such kind of happiness and peace❤
I think that’s the key. I hear ppl say marriage is hard or it’s hard work and I’ve observed that more times than not, they aren’t with the right person. More of the battle is waiting and not settling for someone just because. You have to be with the right person for it to work
Probably marriage is a little more pressure, but when you find someone who you really love, marriage becomes something really beautiful. I wish to all my dear Gay mates, that all Gay marriages can be beautiful and that they can always be full of love ❤️🧡💛💚💙💜 Gay men together forever ❤️🧡💛💚💙💜
Marriage between 2men is a beautiful thing, true love
@@KevinOConnor-ms1fd Yes ❤️🧡💛💚💙💜
Have to find the right person for it not to feel burdensome. I believe a relationship is work, but when you’re with the right one it should not feel like a labor
It's surprising how the perception of marriage alters a person's mindset about a relationship.
I would like to get married. As I personally feel, it provides a sense of security to the relationship.
I understand that it's purely emotional and that there are no certainties in life. But, I appreciate the ideals around marriage.
That said, if I end up with someone who is all for a committed relationship but no marriage, fine.
That said, it's interesting how some people perceive marriage as a power shift in a relationship or a prison. As if by legally tying yourself to another person, it alters your connection or limits your freedom. Or sets you down a path of "exspectations." It's just a legal process to grant your and your partner certain rights and privileges, i.e., medical decisions if one partner is incapacitated.
Extreme example, but you get the point.
Nothing should change between you and your SO before and after the marriage. Because you're still the same people.
Excellent topic and back & forth discussion. Keegan seems to have a pragmatic approach to life while Joel seems to have a systematic approach. One is not better than the other. They’re just different. Isn’t that what makes life so interesting? The best to you both. 🙋🏼♀️
I can tell you as a 45 year old man that was abandoned by his mother at a hospital waiting room in Grand Forks North Dakota about the age of 7. I have actual attachment to nobody at all. however, it goes deeper than that, as my father died in a ranching accident in Montana when I was 3 years old. As a ward of the state I was treated like crap tortured, tortured, bullied, raped, mutilated and surgeried on as well, having to have heart surgery from take down trauma. I was also severely abused by a step father, beatings, drownings, stranglings and such, from 3-7 years of age. which lead to psychological problems and the abandonment. It was so bad the "state" had me undergo hypnosis. some things in life, you never truly recover from as I still have problems, just less so. I have a son and a great foster father that I get along with. however no feeling of attachment. one reason my marriage failed. that and I have always been at least bi, if not gay since I could remember.
I hope you find happiness.
It's expected that people change over the course of time, but people need to have conversations about expectations and not just once or twice but every time you make a change in your life that effects your relationship, changing your job, having children or not, moving and why you are moving, expectations regarding who does what with in the house. Communication is extremely important, you need to set a side couple time to do that on a regular basis, so that you stay on track in your relationship.
Marriage is so much more than the wedding day. It is hard work to maintain a relationship with someone. Sometimes it’s easy and you’re on the same page; other times you wonder why you bother. Aside from the legalities that come with marriage and give some security, marriage is a relationship that needs to be nurtured. You have to recognize that people change and grow and you have to be willing to accept that change because you, too, will change. That’s the reality of marriage and for some people, due to the nature of the change or growth, it’s too much to handle. This month I will celebrate my 40th wedding anniversary so I feel I know a little about marriage. However, I’m straight and have had different experiences and expectations. But, regardless of genders involved, marriage is hard work! Having said all that, I love you two and really enjoy listening to your perspectives on whatever the topic you’ve chosen for the podcast. Keep up the good work!
*Marriage is a long, dull meal with dessert served at the beginning.* Oscar Wilde
We make our own traditions, imho.
That end bit was the🔥 We often bring our parental influenced attachment styles into our partnerships and marriages. Makes sense.
Two key perfect moments! You’re in the mix 😉 and Yes babe, it’s psychology! I enjoy watching and listening to the points both of you make on subjects such as this.
This has been a great episode to listen to and I couldn't help but weigh in on this topic. I'm a 42-yr old happy, healthy homo and I've been married to my husband of 10 years (but we've been together for 22 yrs).
I think that marriage can be the most amazing blessing that any couple can experience...however, it's not for everyone. Same thing applies to having kids. I wanted to be married to my husband because he's my best friend, he's my forever companion, and he's the man I want to grow old with. But marriage, like any relationship, comes with sacrifices, struggle and dedication towards something bigger than yourself.
My advice to any LGBTQ+ folks who are thinking about marriage is simply this:
When you decide to get married to your partner, it should be on your own terms and not based on what you think society expects (or says) of you. Know that when you are married, nothing will magically ✨ change about your relationship nor will it make everything better or worse. Any relationship takes work, it takes communication, it takes love, selflessness and understanding everyday! And marriage does not make a relationship better nor worse than any other loving relationship out there. Marriage is recognized in the eyes of the law that you two are bound as one. So be certain and very careful that this is what you both are signing up for.
One of the most popular reasons I hear people say they want to get married is because "we want the world to know how much we love each other." That is probably the worst reason to want to be married because you are already placing an overemphasis on what you want society to think about you as a couple.
And, what happens if your marriage fails? Do you want the world to know that you're getting a divorce because of XYZ reasons? I don't think so. Don't overly broadcast the details of your marriage like a TV Show for everyone to see, because the world will see your ups and downs whether you want them to or not.
Just to be clear, if and when you decide to get married, make sure the reasons are for you and your spouse to decide. Yes, you should want to share this news with friends and family and celebrate with them, but don't make your marriage about them and their reaction to it.
Lastly, marriage is not a one-size fits all. You and your partner don't have to be married to share a commitment towards each other. But if you both decide that you want to share in a marriage together, the first thing you'll want to do is discuss how this could possibly change the dynamics of your relationship. For most committed couples, nothing changes. But for some, they feed into the idea of marriage feeling like a sentence term, which it is not. People will and do change throughout the many years of being married and you can prepare for those twists and turns by always staying in open communication. Therapy will be your best friend in this situation.
Hope this helps! Loving your podcast and keep up the great work my homos! 🌈👨🏻❤👨🏼🏡
This attachment talk really pinpoints to a large group of people on dating apps on a specific type (from my experience). Deciding to leave online dating was a great decision.
Ive been with my partner for 8 years. We don’t feel the need to sign a paper to say we are married. We have homes together, a life together and honestly get more pressure from our family to get married every time we go to a family wedding. I’m Mexican, so it’s a big family haha. But I can understand that most people feel they do want to get married. But there should never be pressure, it should be a choice between two people. Not influenced by family, friends or trends. We are moving to Puerto Vallarta, maybe I’ll marry him so he can have his residency there! Hahahaha love the podcast guys!
OMG I love you two, and when Keegen gets in his soap box!
Also, this year will be my 20 year marriage anniversary and I don't see why things would be different before and after marriage. But again I'm really relaxed and groovy...
“Meyers Briggs is
Not scientifically backed” - it is one of the most statistically reliable and valid psychological assessment tools.
Great episode! Of course there are so many specific cultural, familial, personal, and other, most likely subconscious, expectations that come with marriage. Some of those maybe could be found in digging into the why did they choose to get married after 17 years happily together without it? And what was each of them assuming that marriage would be, but turned out not to be, that ultimately led to the breakup? After my divorce, I learned that I had a lot of my own expectations of what marriage meant and what roles we would play, and expectations of how I'd be treated and connected with, that I don't think we're necessarily unreasonable, but my partner didn't share those at all, so we weren't gonna work. And a lot of folks act very differently once there's that level of commitment, because they feel like they don't need to try anymore, since they've already secured the deal. Everyone's definition of what a marriage is, what it means about them and their relationships with others, status, etc, and what it requires of them, or their partner and how someone is going to be, is very different.
Very happy in our relationship for 23 years. We got married 8 years ago. Getting married changed us in a good way, it felt so right and made us proud, can’t describe it, but made us feel more real!?
Oh my gosh Keegan, yes!!! When folks use any label, applicable or not, as an excuse for their choices, as of they cannot do otherwise or change, especially to justify behavior that impacts others poorly.... "Oh, that's cuz of my adhd, ocd, enneagram, Myers Briggs, attachment style, birth order, birth sign.. I can't help it. " that stuff Grinds ALL my gears! It just makes it less likely that folks are willing to even look into let alone give credence to the real versions of those things. Especially when something like attachment style is really helpful to know as a " where " I am, not who I am. Cuz, like Joel said, they definitely can change and the goal is to be much more securely attached, especially in your key relationships, not stay insecurely attatched and just expect the world to bend to your comfort. And I feel ya on the years of therapy maybe weren't wasted. 😂😂😂
The making of a declaration of commitment to one person in front of family and friends changed me for the better.
After being with my partner for 3 years, we got married mostly so that he would have health insurance. We both felt that we wanted to be with each other for a long time, so it was no big deal, and it wouldn't change anything. But I think that being married made it easier to take the relationship for granted, and not work to maintain it like we had prior to marriage.
In Mexico City, I believe that their is a law that allows a marriage to be limited to 2 to 5 years. I like that idea because it forces people to continue to maintain the relationship and check back in periodically to be certain that the relationship is still what they want. As I understand it, the marriage can be renewed if both partners desire or allowed to dissolve.
keegan is a typical Yorkshire man a spade is a spade not a manual earth moving device lol
Marriage does put some pressure as expectations are leveraged not always but it may vary. I'm married 4 years not much has changed.
I have been to weddings that the meal was covered but had a "cash bar". Water & non-alcoholic drinks were provided but Alcoholic drinks the wedding attendees had to pay. On another note, a few friends, both gay & straight, got married at the registry office. One did it on there lunch break & then went back to work.
My first podcast with you two....having followed Keegan on Instagram for a while. Firstly, I love your dynamic together....so authentic. As for the topic...i agree that the expectation of something, marriage or otherwise can change the experience so it all depends on what you carry into that next experince.
I am engaged to my partner...and plan to get married in the next year. I believe we both want this next step to deepen our connection with each other and strengthen our partnership...and to have a great party!!
Another great podcast, Keegan & HRH Prince Joel (& Behind the Scenes Harry)! The topic is beyond my wheelhouse as I'm just at the stage of trying to secure a proper first date. However, I did find the discussion very interesting with you both offering thoughtful insights.
I can actually see a (for the public) venue in London, pub, bar, etc.
You’d both show up and be congratulated and leave. However, prior that day(s) you’d already been married and had reception, etc.
I think that would be worth considering. Of course, everyone would pay their own way.
Guinness please!
We’re dying for a trip to England & Scotland.
(At this point we’re dying to get away from Florida). Cheers boys!
Greg from Tallahassee
MBTI is a well researched tool that should not be used to excuse behaviors. My husband and i use it to build on our relationship.
I have performed a lot of weddings for others, but I've never been married myself. I like the idea of commitment ceremonies done with family and friends, but I'm not a big fan of contracts with the government's approval or disapproval. I agree that weddings do not have to be big expensive affairs. I was the "Man of Honor" for my younger sister's wedding. It was held in a beautiful park (for free) and those who attended each brought some prepared dish to share (potluck). Many attendees commented that it was one of the best weddings/receptions they had ever been to and the young couple didn't have to pay a fortune or put themselves in debt to have it. Yes, Keegan, there was a study done on dependency/attachment in monkeys. Baby monkeys were taken away from their mothers at an early age and nursed by wire or cloth "mothers." It's sad to me to see what researchers do to the monkeys in these kinds of studies. You can observe the monkeys rocking and keening for self-comfort. The lack of healthy nurturing led to psychological/emotional damage. th-cam.com/video/znBa3lap5jQ/w-d-xo.html
Ooooof I wish I’d been in the room for this one lol. Yes attachment styles are a thing. They can help to explain the way people handle connections, especially when forming new connections or when something changes in an existing connection. However, the theory behind it is not without its critics and a lot of work has been done exploring the limitations of the original research and the political motivations behind it (eg the need to get women back in the home as full time mothers after the new found freedoms of doing men’s jobs in the Second World War). Keegan is right in that knowing your attachment style is not an excuse for bad behaviour, it is merely your default mode which you can learn to change.
Several thoughts =several comments. I've studied this a lot while trying to heal from my own marriage. I do know a lot of relationships definitely change once the wedding is over, often due to ownership or possession mentality. Like "now you belong to me", which can really destroy what originally was a healthy dynamic between the two. Or "once we are married, he won't be quite as flirty or engaged with other attractive people because he'll be committed to me" . And when that doesn't happen it's just a downward spiral on both sides. Or like Joel said, "I don't like being tied down because I feel trapped, because my beliefs about divorce are so strong. So, the way that I interact has completely shifted because I feel trapped. " but loads of folks aren't emotionally or mentally self aware enough to recognize these underlying causes.
Regarding attachment styles, I just bought a book on it, or regarding Myers Briggs. Whether it's actual science or pseudoscience, while I fully agree with Keegan utilizing these tools as a justification for your toxic personality or explaining why this is who you are and will never change, is very immature.
But, when these tools are utalized to help you better understand yourself, family, friends, or SO so that you can grow or better manage relationships in your life. You're using the tools the way their meant to be used.
Hi guys, my husband and I have been married for 8 years, however we’ve been together for over 41 years. We got married because we now have all the same protective rights afforded to us, and because financially (taxes) it made sense. We both grew up in organized religion, but left the church many years ago. We found, after in depth studying, that all religion is controlling and manipulative! Not to mention all the wars and mass killings they have caused. I don’t for a minute believe that’s ok with God! ( Sorry for the tangent). That being said, our marriage was not religious based. Marriage gave us the rights that the gay community has fought so hard for. Marriage hasn’t changed who we are or our commitment to each other. Our love and respect for each other continues to grow and we are so blessed that we have each other as we age. A marriage certificate is just a piece of paper, and shouldn’t change a relationship,but just make it stronger. Sorry for the preaching, I guess that’s my religious background. ❤
they used to say consort
you guys make a cute couple ❤
I have seen many a couple, gay and straight, who have been together for a long time and suddenly get married. I am sure the actual marriage was trying to save the relationship. It is not the a problem appeared after the marriage, it was a hopeful remedy. My husband and I have been together a long time and got legally married about 10 years ago. We got married for legal reasons. Nothing changed after we married, nor did we expect it to change. I would say we are "lucky" as our relationship is now and has always been great. No, do not charge your guests; that, indeed, is tacky.
Haven't heard all yet, however wondering if perhaps the couple you referenced in the beginning got married to "fix" their relationship. I know that sounds odd, however it does happen more often than one would think. I do think the topic of inviting people to your house was relevant to the topic. It's the things you can't handle about another person that breaks up a marriage. You obviously know and have talked about this between the two of you. My advice to anyone is don't dwell on the things you like about a person. Ask yourself what you don't like and see if you can handle it for the duration.
17:11 - Literally the same 😂😂😂
You start acting out your parents' marriage roles, without realizing it-that's what changes expectations.
Over here, marriage gives a couple about legal 1,500 rights and privileges. Marriage is a legal contract between two people.
Iove your channel guys 🌈🏳️🌈
Omg thanks for calling out the MBTI, it's the new astrology
The Supreme Court of India was a major letdown last year.
It puts absolutely no extra pressure on anything. It changes nothing but your debt and your last name (potentially).
Relationships have their own pressures and each one is different. But that’s because of the people, or the term. Marriage is just nonsense. And that’s coming from someone almost 11 years married. Our relationship is just as good and just as bumpy as it was before, and being husbands hasn’t changed any of the reasons why. In fact it hasn’t changed anything but my last name, and I can now pretend more easily that I don’t belong to my own blood relations. But still not be able to scrape them off
I have little thoughts on marriage. I’ll be an old hag for the rest of my days. Which I hope is shorter than the doctor says.
But it seems to me that it can make two people feel more like a real family member to the partner and relatives. People always like to equate marriage with feelings of being tied down. It doesn’t have to be that way. It can be a tax break. 😊
However, it may feel like a great thing to one partner and something entirely different to the other. We only know when it’s talked about.
When a couple is planning to have kids, unlike you two, being married gives that child, or children, a real sense of security. Something every parent doesn’t get. No worries for you two, however. Joel will never be carting around an infant. It would drive him mad not being able to put all his focus elsewhere. He might adjust, small chance. Keegan is 2 and done, no worries there.
You two, get married, pay for a wedding, and invite people. Keegan’s mom might even show. Just no rainbow decorations, please. It doesn’t have to have drag queens for entertainment either. Besides, anything too gay, Joel’s face would turn red as ever. Keegan is always so laid back. I really dig that.
Loved this talk. Got to mess with Joel, and it was a great topic.
I think the discussion got a bit off track. Marriage is legal protection we worked very hard for and certainly isn’t necessary for some, but is essential for many.
You should invite a lawyer who works extensively with queer people.
Ive been with my partner for 8 years. We don’t feel the need to sign a paper to say we are married. We have homes together, a life together and honestly get more pressure from our family to get married every time we go to a family wedding. I’m Mexican, so it’s a big family haha. But I can understand that most people feel they do want to get married. But there should never be pressure, it should be a choice between two people. Not influenced by family, friends or trends. We are moving to Puerto Vallarta, maybe I’ll marry him so he can have his residency there! Hahahaha love the podcast guys!
Ive been with my partner for 8 years. We don’t feel the need to sign a paper to say we are married. We have homes together, a life together and honestly get more pressure from our family to get married every time we go to a family wedding. I’m Mexican, so it’s a big family haha. But I can understand that most people feel they do want to get married. But there should never be pressure, it should be a choice between two people. Not influenced by family, friends or trends. We are moving to Puerto Vallarta, maybe I’ll marry him so he can have his residency there! Hahahaha love the podcast guys!
Ive been with my partner for 8 years. We don’t feel the need to sign a paper to say we are married. We have homes together, a life together and honestly get more pressure from our family to get married every time we go to a family wedding. I’m Mexican, so it’s a big family haha. But I can understand that most people feel they do want to get married. But there should never be pressure, it should be a choice between two people. Not influenced by family, friends or trends. We are moving to Puerto Vallarta, maybe I’ll marry him so he can have his residency there! Hahahaha love the podcast guys!
Ive been with my partner for 8 years. We don’t feel the need to sign a paper to say we are married. We have homes together, a life together and honestly get more pressure from our family to get married every time we go to a family wedding. I’m Mexican, so it’s a big family haha. But I can understand that most people feel they do want to get married. But there should never be pressure, it should be a choice between two people. Not influenced by family, friends or trends. We are moving to Puerto Vallarta, maybe I’ll marry him so he can have his residency there! Hahahaha love the podcast guys!