The Fawn "Please & Appease" Stress/Trauma Response
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- เผยแพร่เมื่อ 28 ก.ย. 2024
- Kristin M, Snowden, MA, LMFT, CDWF is a seasoned therapist who specializes in betrayal trauma, addiction recovery, and helping individuals/couples navigate relationship crises. Kristin educates on WHAT IS TRAUMA and How your brain and body experience trauma and stress in your life. Kristin discusses the most common human responses to stress and trauma: Fight, Flight, Freeze, and Fawn, paying extra attention to the last response. The Fawn Stress Response (also known as the Please and Appease response) is a neurobiological adaptive survival skill one learns (usually in childhood) how to survive extreme threat, stress, and anything happening thats unpredictable where the person "aligns" themself with the "aggressor" (or whoever is causing the stress, pain, and holds power over the "victim") and using "please, appeasing, and fawning" methods to deescalate the conflict, make the aggressor believe that the victim is aligned with him/her. The problem with this tactic is that it is manipulative, based in fear/stress rather than authenticity, and usually leads to the the victim subverting his/her true feelings, concerns, resentments, etc.
These tools are helpful for betrayed partners, people struggling in their life and relationships, recovering addicts, and trauma survivors.
(THIS IS EDUCATIONAL ONLY, THIS IS NOT THERAPY)
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Timestamps
16:00--The Please and Appease "fawn" trauma response
45:26--Setting boundaries chart (link to boundaries chart: www.kristinsno... )
47:50--Exploring fears of vulnerability and shame
Great work! 👍💚
Described how I survived with my mother. No contact now for years.
I've spent my whole life in fawn response.... I would like to say that is an exaggeration but I haven't had a single relationship that wasn't based on that. I make myself feel like I'm "helping" or this is the caring or supportive and loyal thing to do. When I think of the times I put my foot down and didn't do it, the person didn't stick around for even a second. The relationship immediately ended. One of them was my father. Another my best friend. Lots of people have told me I'm overly critical, but I think it's really been hypervigilance this whole time.
Recently I became the betrayed partner. It's so long and convoluted and the way I dealt with everything was to fawn. All of my boundaries were crossed and I was severely emotionally neglected. I don't know how to get over it. Because he was the first person I'd been able to relax or not feel I need to do that with. I already had trust issues and now I don't know what to do.
You saved my life. I'm not exaggerating. Thank you Kristin so very much for taking the time to provide this free help. So many of us are so scared to go to a therapy, to get out of the house, to even pick up the phone, to even speak up to our very own parents, who are very concerned and never hear from us, perhaps to even admit that something's wrong or maybe some of us don't even know things are wrong or who we even are anymore because that's how far lost we've become and how little by little, this is very insidious manipulation, subtle enough to feel petty bringing it up, because guaranteed we are shamed when we do, but harmful enough to destroy a life overtime.
Your videos shade light it has been years and years and years of the lights actually being dimmed (ironic), into blindness, to the truth and the facts that we all deep inside know to be correct. I am so devastated but at least, i now have a path and a name to call this horrific misery.
Thank you so much for such a vulnerable, honest, generous share. I am so happy my content has been helpful to you and it’s provided in a way that’s accessible to those who might feel paralyzed or more isolated because of their trauma. Thank you for sharing some of your story with the community. I’m sure many can relate to what you’re saying.
The one of the very important topic now! Thanks for the video
I don't mind please and appease, although turning it into a rhyme is a bit trite, but I find the word 'fawn' offensive. People just wanted an 'f' word to match fight, flight and it doesn't really capture the reality of how it feels. 'Fawn' has a very negative connotation in this context, but actually what happens when someone gets in a habit of appeasement and does that very careful dance, isn't necessarily fawning, which is more actively disingenuous and exaggerated type of flattery and attention...rather it can be a very careful kind of genuine and subtle negotiation for your own survival and a learning how not to trigger landmines and indeed neglecting your own real needs and boundaries. This is not Kristin's fault and she's good - you hear the word a lot now - but I think worth letting people know that as a survivor of trauma it may be reductive and offensive to use the word 'fawn'. People shouldn't favour alliteration over accuracy when talking about something so important.
I appreciate you sharing your thoughts on the term “fawning” survival response. I can understand how one would interpret that as pejorative. I like how you explained the experience as “negotiating”. I’m guessing many can relate to the definition you provided. Thank you for watching and sharing.
Thank you for the video!!!!
It is SO HARD to find a licensed therapist who knows about sex addiction and infidelity betrayal! Even just standard marriage and family therapists are few and far between. I'm in the Philadelphia area, and I've called several offices seeking treatment, but none of their therapists have availability for weeks. One place told me to call back next month. The best I could get was a certified life coach, whatever that means. It ended up being barely a step above talking to one of my sisters. The only practitioners in this area who seem to be taking on new clients are the ones that don't accept insurance, and I, for one, don't have hundreds or even thousands of dollars just sitting around. I need HELP.
Hi. I’m guessing your comment resonated with hundreds, if not thousands of people. I have several free resources on my website KristinSnowden.com and I’ll be posting new dates for my upcoming betrayed parents groups soon. There are FREE support and resources on SexandRelationshipHealing.com and WeTonglen. I’d also encourage you to check out free 12-step support groups for betrayed partners such as Prodependence Anonymous, AlAnon, SANON, and more. Many are still meeting online. Those are all free. I’m sorry you’re struggling to find the help you need. I hope these resources are helpful to you.
Wow the fawn response is what I’ve been stuck in for years now. I need to stop and change this. 🤯🤯🤯🤯🤯🤯 it is not serving me and just creates more problems
You're the Best Kristin💛 Thankyou🧡💜
So glad you find the videos helpful!!
You are literally the best!
I’m glad you’re enjoying the videos.
Bit confused on some points. If one of the survival threat responses is fawn, then it's not autonomic/involuntary/ reflexive, like the fight,flight,freeze. This is because you need your prefrontal lobe ( executive functions) to verbally please and appease someone. In other words, you need cognition. So I think it's a learnt behaviour. Also, the Stockholm syndrome is not about fawning. It's about hostages identifying and empathsising with their captives, even becoming friends or mates.One more, where does tonic-immobility fit into the four threat responses. It is not freeze because the muscles are flacid, not tight. Please see below;
th-cam.com/users/shortssfPwI1_GXHM?si=1qH7fKGiipNfoTbj
Same I was thinking. It’s kind of combination of instinct survival but with new cortex control.
Steven Porges, the author of Polivagal theory, says fawn and appeasing they’re different responses.
I experienced freeze, that has tight muscles, and faint ( they also call it collapse, submit) - body is very without any power at all, so after being hyper vigilant by fawn, ultimately “read” by body sensors everything around, I go to faint, especially when I’m in the crowded place, because I’m overwhelmed.
So I see that my main response is fawn, then depends on the case I go through all the states - fight, flight, freeze, faint.
TH-cam has good videos also about people in the combined states like fight-fawn, flight-freeze etc.
I think it’s interesting development of the theory, that’s really helps in peace actually.
She is comparing us to dogs?😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
That's a bit woof😂
Thank you! 😊