This is such an important conversation to have, especially with young people. I literally had a conversation with my partner (he's 25) about the fact that many people (mostly men) our age (20-25) think that most women like to be choked during sex and therefore you don't need to ask for consent for choking. I was so surprised. I told him no choking is definitely not a thing "everyone is okay with."
this has happened the other way as well, in my experience. A lot of young women have been exposed to porn way too early (of course men as well), and they seem to think they almost HAVE to enjoy hard sex to be desirable which is obviously not the case. So a few of my male friends have been taken aback by asks like "choke me till I'm blue", which...I mean...yeah. Or "suffocate me" which is even worse lmao. I'm personally into a lot of that stuff, but consent should be taught. Because kink, or hardcore fetishes are not the norm, as you said. Cheers
I don't think there is an assumption that all women like choking. At least I've never heard of it. Seems weird to me people would. I'm not disagreeing with you. I'm just saying my experience is different and trying to remain open minded.
@@jwec9867 Well, I hope you've now adjusted your assessment, because you've now heard of it! ;) That said, it is nice to imagine that Emma's experience may only be some people, instead of many? That said, I think Emma is correct that _many_ people (and most _of them_ men) do think this way. I _think_ that _most_ folks don't, but _many_ do. Sadly. :-/
@@DavidLindes Yeah, we don't have any research so it's hard to say is definitively true. So, it's important to be open to others experiences and not deny people's experience. Since we don't know for sure and everyone's experience is different.
My boyfriend and I have a thing where we’ll say if we are in the mood for hot sex (which is rougher) and making love sex (which is way softer) to let each other know what we are in the mood for. Also we luckily have a really healthy relationship where I can say I’m not in the mood for that action today
TW assault I thought i love rough sex after my ex girlfriend assaulted me. She always was very rough, and after every sex i was bleeding and bruised. She told me it's just how sex works, and i believed her, being seventeen and inexperienced. And even if i said no, she just didn't listen. So i get used to it. With my next partners i always asked them to be rough, because i thought i loved it. Even though i experienced discomfort and cried after. And only with my current boyfriend, i understanded, that i can enjoy "vanilla" sex and lovemaking. That it's doesn't make me boring. I still love some kinky things, but they brings me pleasure. Consent is very important. And experience like this leave a serious trauma. Thanks you for bringing this topic! Sorry for any mistakes, english is not my first language.
I wish I could have learned sooner that it's totally possible to negotiate sex (not just bdsm stuff but like, all of sex) without 'killing the mood'. I used to have this idea that you were just supposed to sense what she wanted and if you had to ask you'd show how inexperienced you were. In fact the complete opposite is true. It takes confidence to ask plainly if, and how, someone wants to fuck you. It shows you're perfectly happy to accept a 'no'. And, particularly with people you're less familiar with, it relaxes them and lets them (and by extension, you) enjoy the experience way more. Wordless movie sex scenes have a lot to answer for.
Right?! And tv/movies/books have no excuse bc the negotiation bit can be so hot! You're basically saying, "I'm interested in you as an individual and want to give you pleasure," can't think of a better way to address it.
If the person you're with can't negotiate what they like/dislike in your relation and think it's "unnecessary", "ridiculous" or "moodkilling", then either tell them how and why it's important or just dump them. It'll save you a lot of time and effort that would not be worth going through in the long run. Everyone has the right to be free, honest and happy about their interests, and that's what will allow a relationship to work. Don't ever deny yourself that, always remember you're worth it.
ooohhh this was a GOOD one. Honestly… i’ve asked this question myself. I even found myself wondering why Vanilla shaming was so prevalent now. Kink shaming goes BOTH WAYS! Some days are different than others, and that’s okay! the only thing that needs to stay the absolute same is consent and communication!
Thanks again Hannah for covering a topic that people avoid because they are afraid of being shamed. The Fifty Shades of Grey books and films don't properly cover the topic. Porn is also a great deceiver when it comes to this topic. So thanks again.
An ex that had been in abusive relations couldn't even have her neck lightly touched due to having been choked. Wisely she told me that as soon as our relation turned intimate. Took a long time to build up the trust but one day she asked me to please touch her neck - was the first time she felt any pleasure from being touched there. Personally I can't grasp how hurting or threatening someone can be turn on's - to me they are direct turn off's.
emotionally and spiritually damaged people are turned on by violence. BDSM ( as a whole has a LOT to answer for. i don't believe BDSM is the origin of violence in sex but i am absolutely starting to realize that it serves to normalize a lot of really fucked up shit because "consent". as if people don't consent to harming themselves everyday.
My last boyfriend wanted to have rough sex, but did not want to have proper comunication about it, which made me very confused. I kept trying to comunicate, but he felt uncomfortable talking about it, he just wanted to do. I just told him thats not how that works, especially since I have trauma from abuse.
TW Sexual assault: As someone who was sexually assaulted I cannot stress this enough. My current partner is SO GREAT when it comes to consent. He knows what my triggers are and actively avoids them, and even during a scene he asks for my consent in a sexy way to make sure I'm okay. I hope that this will be the case for everyone!
I needed to see this. I have in the past had a hard time saying no to people I was interested in. It is nice to hear that I am allowed to set boundaries towards people I am interested in dating. And if they leave because I say no then it's probably better to find someone I am more compatible with.
This is such an important topic. I've just written my dissertation on domestic violence in individuals with learning disabilities. An often defense plea in court for death is the 'rough sex' and it so devalues the individuals. Informing and consenting is vital ! Great educational video as always! ❤️
This was such a good video. I have been so frustrated trying to discuss this topic in some groups bc some have had abusers use kink to excuse their abusive actions and we do need to discuss that but we have to be able to do that without kinkshaming those that do use BDSM responsibly. And that has broken up some groups, we didn't need to discuss the kink itself, just be able to mention it without shaming.
kinkshaming is good actually. i think this problem resulted from lack of kinkshaming. kinkshaming aims to call into question human behaviors that may be harmful. people can and do consent to harming themselves and i believe BDSM is one way people with self hatred and power fantasies consent to harm eachother.
This is really important and I hope it reaches a lot of people who can benefit from it. When you started talking about how a desire for rough sex can be used as a defense in assault cases, it reminded me of a big legal case that happened here in Canada some years ago. It wasn't the same situation you described, but it did put BDSM, as well as discussions of sexual assault, in the news and public conversation. This man who was a well-known radio host was charged with sexual assault and when he wrote a post online defending himself, he said that he was into BDSM, including choking. For someone like my mom, who isn't familiar with BDSM or how it works, figured that the assault happened because of his idea of a good time. I knew that you could have consent in BDSM, but I don't think I was very well equipped to explain to her even though I might have briefly tried. I think it speaks to the misunderstanding about kink, and how it's associated with harm and violence in the mainstream, even though it's not supposed to be inherently harmful and can be practiced safely.
kink IS inherently harmful! slapping, spitting, spanking is all INHERENTLY HARMFUL. people use BDSM to play out their desire to harm or be harmed, it's that simple. the desire itself needs to be called into question.
I was in a relationship like this with someone before. We agreed that first and foremost we were NOT dating and had no commitments or arrangements to keep doing what we were doing and either one of us could stop at any time. Second we also agreed on the only two words that meant anything "No and Stop". If either of those two words were used, we stopped immediately and discussed the boundaries or terms of moving forward with any acts, or stopping it completely.
TW sexual assault Once I hooked up with a guy that I might at a bar and with no prior discussion, he choked me until my vision started to black out. I immediately was like, wtf, but he seemed genuinely surprised that I was not into it. It was shocking, I felt like I was going insane, when had chocking become a “normal” sex act that was just “part” of sex. I’m not trying to make excuses for the guy, but I feel like he was a symptom of a larger problem. :/
“Does every video I make about sex come down to communication?” This is a question I ask myself every time my partner and I make a video about BDSM. 😂 Also, I love love love this topic and video and will definitely check out that book!
I'm on the side of things where I feel like I should be into these things because everyone else is. All my friends want to be handcuffed and whatever in bed and I can't fathom how anyone could be into that (not shaming anyone, just not interested) and I've been shamed for being boring. Well...? I'm not aroused by that idea? I like the sex I do have. I feel like vanilla shaming is becoming more prevalent than BDSM shaming. Even the word vanilla...
Gold. All your videos are pure gold. S.Ed. is so so lacking as a result of being restricted by cultural conceptions. You are successful one who frees it of those boundaries into an endlessly objective & truly honest reality, both traits nearly impossible to find with regards to S. Ed. elsewhere.
Thank you for another really important video again highlighting the need for communication and consent for everything. The BDSM community is very much built on trust, communication and consent which is often misunderstood or misrepresented in the main stream media and Hollywood. I hope your channel with all the great advice and info go some way to balance this. Another educator channel with a lot of detailed niche info you are probably aware of is Evie Lupine.
So glad to hear the bit about getting the consent of the slapper as well as the slappee: I feel like a lot of discussions of consent in BDSM leave out the dominant partner, assuming that they're instigating and in charge. Not always true! It's good to have videos like this as a resource for people navigating these kinds of relationships, to recognize what's new and scary because it's stigmatized in the broader culture and what's raising red flags because it's abusive.
This is actually such an interesting conversation. I'm writing my masters thesis on the normalisation of BDSM, and how it affects our autonomy this year, so I really enjoyed this video
Unfortunately a lot of people think that every man and every woman wants the same things. A lot of sex advice relies on believable stereotypes rather than actually good advice. Stereotypes that validate what they have already internalized are more believable than anything that challenges them. Also, it is a lot easier to come up with specific advice when you start making specific assumptions. For a lot of men their teacher is pornography, which is often obsessed with male dominance and only calls it BDSM if there is bondage too.
Agree on the strange view upon BDSM. In a sense, most of porn is incorporating some sort of BDSM. Bondage is only B, while dominance can be any of the four letters. And doesn't have to include any props at all.
That's so interesting and should be more broadly discussed, thank you for talking about it ☺️. I'm a total people pleaser when it comes to sex and that led me to say yes to a lot of unwanted things. What really helped me is to practice my "no". Telling no to small things first (no I don't want to eat/drink this) and then to sex-related stuff (no I don't want to switch position/try this/do that). It's not perfect already but I'm getting better at saying no. And, on the other hand, that helped me to welcome the no of my partners by saying "thank you for setting your boundaries with me/thank you for allowing me to know what you dislike). It's something we should do in every relationships of our lives to stop taking the no of people for a personal offense
A third of British women under 40 have experienced unwanted slapping, spitting, choking or gagging in bed, according to research carried out for the pressure group We Can’t Consent to This, which campaigns to limit the so-called “rough sex” defence for murder (used by men who killed their partners to argue that the women died accidentally, in consensual sex games).
A very important conversation!!! 👏 Communication about what you're into is definitely something that should be discussed in sex Ed and something i wish I knew sooner.
This year researcher Dr Helen Bichard of North Wales Brain Injury Service and The Walton Centre NHS Foundation Trust set out the appalling harms of strangulation[14]. She says of this new trend of online ‘advice’ for safe strangulation: "I am extremely concerned by the cultural normalisation of strangulation. Erotic asphyxiation should be as much of an oxymoron as erotic brain damage, because brain damage is the potential result. Much of the online advice is misguided; some of it is fatally wrong. When you compress the carotid artery you cut off oxygenated blood flow to the brain, and the brain therefore cannot function properly. Consciousness can be lost in as little as four seconds - a sign that the brain is being compromised. Any pressure to the artery can lead to dissection, in which blood clots can form and cause stroke, sometimes delayed by weeks. The law MUST send a strong signal that this is simply unacceptable. "
It's pretty sad because in BDSM circles choking is known to be one of the riskiest activities but outside of them it's oddly normalised. I wish the education would catch up.
Longtime BDSM practitioner here. I absolutely agree that the normalization of rough sex is concerning. You don't just go and choke your partner because you're assuming that they'll be into it. I love choking, but would never perform or allow choking without discussing it first.
I'd also like to add if you are someone looking into BDSM you will see SSC around which stands for Safe Sane and Consensual. Although in recent years there has been some debate over this term, but it is still used, and is the term you will most likely see when starting out.
In the UK at least, SSC has largely been replaced by RACK and it's something I don't often see/hear now. SSC does not really acknockledge the fact that the vast majority of BDSM acts are never totally safe, even if the risk profile is acceptable to most.
this video is so well done and educational and seeing it just reminds me how grateful i was/am to have found your sex education in my formative years. thank you!
I would really like to know what you think of the representation of BDSM in the film Love and Leashes. I really liked it but I don't feel like I know enough about the community to judge its portrayal of the BDSM community, so I would love to hear your thoughts about it :)
Poeple are free to do what they want but I still have the feeling that there is something wrong with violence during sex. Even if consensual , Something is unsettling to me. especially because I sometime feel these urges. is having an urge a reason to act on it? not sure how healthy it is for a society to normalize this.
I absolutely love that we are having this conversation ! I think we should go further and question the gender dynamics at stake behind rough sex. I don't mean to oversimplify the issue but when statistically speaking i think women tend to be on the receiveing end of rough sex acts and we should definitely ask ourselves why. I am in no way sex negative or kink shaming but it is not a simple coincidence that (some/most) men tend to have fantasies where they are inflicting pain/domination and (some/most) women tend to have fantasies when they are being subjected to it. I also think we should question rough sex as a coping mechanism for victims of sexual violence, and aknowledge that the reenactment of the violent sexual act can be healthy but can also be very detrimental to victims of SA, if it's not "done well".
A lot of dominatix I heard talking about this say it is the opposite Men come to be dominated (sometimes they struggle to remain in the sub position) But I agree this is a greater discussion
@@pegaseg70 aha yes sure but the work of dominatrix is to be dominating so it makes sense that men would come to them for this. But you're right, i think a lot of men love to be submissive because they are otherwise always expected to be in charge. But when we talk about non-paid-for sexual practises i think it is different! I have no actual data to back that up though aha
I want to share this video because this is so important for people to hear (but yeah generally a sfw person so I sadly wont) I have experienced some unpleasent things due to the lack of education on this. Pls, if anybody has the guts to share content like this please do!
Have you seen Anatomy of a Scandal on Netflix? I finished it yesterday and this video could have been written about the show. It opened up conversations between me and my husband and it's just such an important show. Not an easy watch but I'd love to hear your thoughts on it.
This was a good and important video ❤️. I'm gonna recommend my mom show this in one of her classes bc her students didn't have great sex ed in high school and, from what they've told her, quite a few of them regularly engage in more rough sex thinking it's the standard. Also, is it possible to add subtitles to a video that's not your own? I wanna add Dutch subtitles (cause my mom's students don't all have great English)
i wanna recommend the film love and leashes on netflix, it's a BDSM romcom which i didn't think i'd like as much as i did but i really love it, i've already seen it twice also the book the feminist and the sex offender: confronting sexual harm, ending state violence
Another great educational video Hannah :) But the little camera zoom in/out every few seconds was super distracting, made it hard to concentrate on what you were saying
In a vlog she explained she is very quickly out of breath so she has to cut a lot of footage of her catching her breath (She is currently pregnant, close to delivery)
Hello good evening Mis. I hope you are doing well, it's a good explanation, because you always try to inform everything very clearly and you explain everything very nicely. Have a good time.
You should generally decline any offer of actions that might put your health or your life at risk. That's called rational thinking... And it's of course totally amoral to even offer such actions...
there is a new movie about bdsm on netflix called love and leashes. idk if its good representation for the bdsm community but i thought it was quite fun and charming
TW: Sexual Violence Amazing video! Thank you! This helped me so much! I recently had a first date encounter with a BDSM sex crazed fetish man with a full 50 shades of grey sex dungeon when he gave me his house tour. I communicated all my boundaries that I need to be safe, didn’t like sexual violence of any kind, and had to build trust to be intimate. I’ve had past experiences when people got rough on me without consent, like strangling, so I want to avoid those experiences again. I feel like with sex you need trust and to discover those things safely with your partner. He tried to bulldoze all my boundaries, tried to jump right into foreplay when I only consented to kissing, pulled my hair when I previously said I didn’t like that, pinched my breasts so hard they bruised, and only cared for himself and his own kinks. In order to leave his home, I made up a kink that I loved denial and needed multiple dates to build up to sex. 😂 He thought it was hot and let me go. I was lucky I wasn’t forced into sex with the guy, or tied up and murdered so I have to be really careful now. I learned that even if you set boundaries, they mean nothing if you don’t back them up by saying no when they’re crossed. It scared me so bad that I viewed the BDSM community extremely negatively. I’ve been researching it the past couple days and now I know that the community is actually pretty cool because a respectable person will care for the needs of their partner. Communication, respect, and care for all parties are needed. Knowing the difference between sexual violence and BDSM from this video helped me heal and I greatly thank you for it. I discovered I am a very vanilla girl and there is nothing wrong with that. I hope one day I will find someone that doesn’t try to hurt me when I’m vulnerable and listens to my needs.
Great video, Hannah. Thanks! One small quibble, re 8:23 - I believe this statement is accurate in a legal framework, but philosophically, is it true? I've imagined contexts in the past where I believe I'd consent to being killed... and... I think it could be fairly genuine. If I knew you personally, I'd say let's discuss. :)
I have a question! How do you feel about teens (under 18) watching your videos to learn about sex education? I find in a lot of situations minors don't get properly taught about things like this and so they turn to the internet but a lot of things are still held behind the rule of 18+ even though its very common for people under 18 to be having sex and participating in things like BDSM
The number of high schoolers I knew when I was that age who needed this exact video... It's bizarre that people put 18+ age restrictions on videos that discuss sexual consent.
Hi blessings I now this is not what you talk about but please help me I have a stoma like you can you please tell me how to avoid Leaks on my bag because I changed it last night and I wake up at 2:30 in the morning with a huge leak and I don’t know what to do with this thank you for your help
I love six and I always try to do it nicely, but I don't have a good chance of doing it. What will be your suggestion to me for doing it? Please show me a good way of doing it. Good luck, and have a good time.
I'm a heterosexual female whose experienced sexual assault and rape. In the list of resources, I can't find one that is for me. It mentions LGBTQ+ and men, which is brilliant but what about heterosexual females?
The National Domestic Abuse Helpline, listed in the resources section, is for women experiencing domestic abuse or intimate partner violence. They also have a website. They're mostly focused on the legal aspects, housing, and overall navigating the logistics side of it, though. The Survivors Trust is another UK-based group that leans more into counseling and emotional support-though I'm in the US, so I can't vouch for them.
I feel that sometimes people treat consent like its some sort of magic wand thst erases all possible harm. Obviously consent is fundamental to healthy s3xual relationships but its not everything. If a person consents to a harmful act being done to them the act is still harmful. To give an analogy if I had a friend who claimed to enthusiastically consent to being shot, would that make it OK to shoot them? Obviously no. So why is it suddenly Ok to strangle, beat or cut someone in a s3xual encounter just because they consented? Their bodies will still be harmed. And quite frankly I dont buy that certain things can be done "safely". If there is a risk of death it does not belong in the bedroom. People should not be risking death during sex.
NGL, I really did not like the book Rough. I felt like it's very invested in constructing or referencing the idea of some kind of 'normal' sex. Rough sex is bad when it's non-consensual, not because it's not 'normal sex', and framing that heavily relies on 'x is not a normal way of having sex' a) involves logic that leads to 'kinksters like abnormal sex, and it's less bad/ok/etc to do acts to them non-consensual because of it' and/or b) people who don't want to have 'normal' kinds of sex (e.g. penetrative vaginal sex) have less grounds to complain/are less harmed. Other kinds of sex (cunnilingus, PiV sex, etc) are also shown on tube sites without the context that they can/should be negotiated and had consent for-- should they be? If not, why do we draw the line where we do, and how can we not say that our idea of what crosses over that line isn't influenced by cisheteronormative ideas about what sex should be.
Unfortunately many people women and men alike are getting their sexual education through porn. Even the most "boring" porn clips I would find horrific in a real life scenario.
I'm not really sure how its ok for someone to enjoy inflicting pain or humiliation on their partner, especially considering its usually the man who is the one who's inflicting the pain and humiliation on their female partner. a lot of women in the BDSM community love to talk about they like being dominated and I'm sure they do, but isn't a bit fucked that there are significant numbers of men wandering about in the world who get off on choking, spitting on, hitting women etc. OK, maybe they only do it to women who are consenting, but why do they like it? what's sexy about degrading your partner? or am I supposed to believe that all the male doms in the BDSM community are long-suffering, ever-giving people who force themselves to spit on women and slap them in face solely for the women's enjoyment? some of the creepiest men I've ever met have been in the BDSM community. no doubt I'll get "no true scotsman" replies, but, in my experience, men who get off on "pain play", "breath play" "impact play" or whatever other euphemism you want to use, tend to be pretty gross people in general.
I know a large number of people into bdsm of varying genders and sexual orientations and I find the amount of "gross people" is about the same or lower as an average slice of the population. I'm sorry you've met so many gross ones, but I hope you will also meet nice people that can balance your view.
I haven't come to the same conclusion as you, from my own experience. One of my previous sexual partners was into bdsm but he would ask me abut what I was into. if we could try some stuff that he likes etc, talking about what he wanted to do before he did them, if I consented to it. pretty respectful in that regard. Something to consider as well is that the women or men who likes to be dominated, they get pleasure from it and some people get pleasure from giving someone else pleasure. so doesn't mean that the dominate people just wanna see their partner suffer. It's a different between people who are violent just to see someone suffer. they don't care about consent, and people who want to dominate someone but know that their partner get pleasure from that.
I think to a lot of people, there are inherent power dynamics in sexual interactions that can be appealing. To many people in the BDSM community, it's the act of domination or submission via these actions that's appealing, rather than the actions themselves. It should also be noted that there are many female dominants and male submissives and this is becoming more and more normalised in mainstream culture - hell, even the new drake song has a lyric "whips and chains like a dominatrix". Many people of all genders also identify as a "switch" so enjoy both being dominant and submissive, and may enjoy either to varying extremes. Its just something people enjoy both giving and receiving. Essentially, don't just paint submissive and dominant into any gender, and don't assume all dominants are callous people - anything done in the framework of love and consent with one's partner in a safe manner shouldn't be shunned. There absolutely are bad actors, and that is what this video covers.
A lot of people like bdsm, because in a way its often seen as taboo. People often like to participate in taboo sex in a hopefully safe and consentual way. I would say humans in general like to participate in dangerous acts in a safe way generally. Sky diving comes to mind, danger is often thrilling especially when the death aspect is greatly reduced. Also in the book Come as You are, the author states that when someone is in a sexual state of mind almost all stimuli can be interrupted by the brain as sexual. So pain during sex, doesn't actually "hurt". At least no in the same way normal pain is processed. There is a conversation to be had about bdsm and society, pressure to participate ext... But I also think a lot of bdsm, is also just curiosity and wanting to see how different sensory information plays out in a sexual context. I think the way our brain can interpret pain during sex also follows with mental pain as well. Its not interpreted as pain, or something negative.
The language is wierd. It Is violence and it is sexual. It is sexual violence. Like Boxing match is violence. Its fine and good type of violence but it still is violence. Maybe assault would be better stand in for non consentual rough "play"
This is such an important conversation to have, especially with young people. I literally had a conversation with my partner (he's 25) about the fact that many people (mostly men) our age (20-25) think that most women like to be choked during sex and therefore you don't need to ask for consent for choking. I was so surprised. I told him no choking is definitely not a thing "everyone is okay with."
this has happened the other way as well, in my experience. A lot of young women have been exposed to porn way too early (of course men as well), and they seem to think they almost HAVE to enjoy hard sex to be desirable which is obviously not the case. So a few of my male friends have been taken aback by asks like "choke me till I'm blue", which...I mean...yeah. Or "suffocate me" which is even worse lmao. I'm personally into a lot of that stuff, but consent should be taught. Because kink, or hardcore fetishes are not the norm, as you said. Cheers
Really ? Also I'm 18 in this year and still in my final tests week and still single just to give some context
I don't think there is an assumption that all women like choking. At least I've never heard of it. Seems weird to me people would. I'm not disagreeing with you. I'm just saying my experience is different and trying to remain open minded.
@@jwec9867 Well, I hope you've now adjusted your assessment, because you've now heard of it! ;) That said, it is nice to imagine that Emma's experience may only be some people, instead of many? That said, I think Emma is correct that _many_ people (and most _of them_ men) do think this way. I _think_ that _most_ folks don't, but _many_ do. Sadly. :-/
@@DavidLindes Yeah, we don't have any research so it's hard to say is definitively true. So, it's important to be open to others experiences and not deny people's experience. Since we don't know for sure and everyone's experience is different.
suuuuch a great vid han!! thank u for opening this up ♥
Homies supporting homies
Love your music!♥️
My boyfriend and I have a thing where we’ll say if we are in the mood for hot sex (which is rougher) and making love sex (which is way softer) to let each other know what we are in the mood for. Also we luckily have a really healthy relationship where I can say I’m not in the mood for that action today
@@amario5549 nah it's about fantasy
@@amario5549Sometime the sexual energy can be a lot so this is the best way to release
This video should be shown to every college student, I know so many people my age or a few years younger that dont really understand this difference.
TW assault
I thought i love rough sex after my ex girlfriend assaulted me. She always was very rough, and after every sex i was bleeding and bruised. She told me it's just how sex works, and i believed her, being seventeen and inexperienced. And even if i said no, she just didn't listen. So i get used to it.
With my next partners i always asked them to be rough, because i thought i loved it. Even though i experienced discomfort and cried after. And only with my current boyfriend, i understanded, that i can enjoy "vanilla" sex and lovemaking. That it's doesn't make me boring. I still love some kinky things, but they brings me pleasure.
Consent is very important. And experience like this leave a serious trauma. Thanks you for bringing this topic!
Sorry for any mistakes, english is not my first language.
I'm sorry to hear that happened to you. Glad to see things have worked out.
🤣🤣🤣
Wish I’d had this video as a teen, could have saved myself a lot of hurt and therapy 💗 Thank you so much for raising awareness & education x
I wish stuff like this was shown in schools. it is SOOOO important. almost made me cry
I wish I could have learned sooner that it's totally possible to negotiate sex (not just bdsm stuff but like, all of sex) without 'killing the mood'. I used to have this idea that you were just supposed to sense what she wanted and if you had to ask you'd show how inexperienced you were. In fact the complete opposite is true. It takes confidence to ask plainly if, and how, someone wants to fuck you. It shows you're perfectly happy to accept a 'no'. And, particularly with people you're less familiar with, it relaxes them and lets them (and by extension, you) enjoy the experience way more. Wordless movie sex scenes have a lot to answer for.
Right?! And tv/movies/books have no excuse bc the negotiation bit can be so hot! You're basically saying, "I'm interested in you as an individual and want to give you pleasure," can't think of a better way to address it.
If the person you're with can't negotiate what they like/dislike in your relation and think it's "unnecessary", "ridiculous" or "moodkilling", then either tell them how and why it's important or just dump them. It'll save you a lot of time and effort that would not be worth going through in the long run. Everyone has the right to be free, honest and happy about their interests, and that's what will allow a relationship to work. Don't ever deny yourself that, always remember you're worth it.
ooohhh this was a GOOD one.
Honestly… i’ve asked this question myself. I even found myself wondering why Vanilla shaming was so prevalent now. Kink shaming goes BOTH WAYS! Some days are different than others, and that’s okay! the only thing that needs to stay the absolute same is consent and communication!
Thanks again Hannah for covering a topic that people avoid because they are afraid of being shamed. The Fifty Shades of Grey books and films don't properly cover the topic. Porn is also a great deceiver when it comes to this topic. So thanks again.
The best bdsm film I've seen is Love in leashes in case you havent heard of it!
An ex that had been in abusive relations couldn't even have her neck lightly touched due to having been choked.
Wisely she told me that as soon as our relation turned intimate.
Took a long time to build up the trust but one day she asked me to please touch her neck - was the first time she felt any pleasure from being touched there.
Personally I can't grasp how hurting or threatening someone can be turn on's - to me they are direct turn off's.
emotionally and spiritually damaged people are turned on by violence. BDSM ( as a whole has a LOT to answer for. i don't believe BDSM is the origin of violence in sex but i am absolutely starting to realize that it serves to normalize a lot of really fucked up shit because "consent". as if people don't consent to harming themselves everyday.
My last boyfriend wanted to have rough sex, but did not want to have proper comunication about it, which made me very confused. I kept trying to comunicate, but he felt uncomfortable talking about it, he just wanted to do. I just told him thats not how that works, especially since I have trauma from abuse.
TW Sexual assault:
As someone who was sexually assaulted I cannot stress this enough. My current partner is SO GREAT when it comes to consent. He knows what my triggers are and actively avoids them, and even during a scene he asks for my consent in a sexy way to make sure I'm okay. I hope that this will be the case for everyone!
awe
I needed to see this. I have in the past had a hard time saying no to people I was interested in. It is nice to hear that I am allowed to set boundaries towards people I am interested in dating. And if they leave because I say no then it's probably better to find someone I am more compatible with.
This is such an important topic. I've just written my dissertation on domestic violence in individuals with learning disabilities. An often defense plea in court for death is the 'rough sex' and it so devalues the individuals. Informing and consenting is vital ! Great educational video as always! ❤️
Hello
This was such a good video. I have been so frustrated trying to discuss this topic in some groups bc some have had abusers use kink to excuse their abusive actions and we do need to discuss that but we have to be able to do that without kinkshaming those that do use BDSM responsibly. And that has broken up some groups, we didn't need to discuss the kink itself, just be able to mention it without shaming.
kinkshaming is good actually. i think this problem resulted from lack of kinkshaming.
kinkshaming aims to call into question human behaviors that may be harmful. people can and do consent to harming themselves and i believe BDSM is one way people with self hatred and power fantasies consent to harm eachother.
Hello
you have no idea how divinely timed this video is for me, thank you
This is really important and I hope it reaches a lot of people who can benefit from it. When you started talking about how a desire for rough sex can be used as a defense in assault cases, it reminded me of a big legal case that happened here in Canada some years ago. It wasn't the same situation you described, but it did put BDSM, as well as discussions of sexual assault, in the news and public conversation.
This man who was a well-known radio host was charged with sexual assault and when he wrote a post online defending himself, he said that he was into BDSM, including choking. For someone like my mom, who isn't familiar with BDSM or how it works, figured that the assault happened because of his idea of a good time. I knew that you could have consent in BDSM, but I don't think I was very well equipped to explain to her even though I might have briefly tried. I think it speaks to the misunderstanding about kink, and how it's associated with harm and violence in the mainstream, even though it's not supposed to be inherently harmful and can be practiced safely.
kink IS inherently harmful! slapping, spitting, spanking is all INHERENTLY HARMFUL. people use BDSM to play out their desire to harm or be harmed, it's that simple. the desire itself needs to be called into question.
It is all about consent and communication, people!
Dr.Mike: Chest Compressions, Chest Compressions, Chest Compressions!
Hannah Witton: Communication, Communication, Communication.
All sex, nay all relationships need communication, negotiation, and aftercare 💜💜💜
And informed consent!
47 seconds in and I can already tell this is a video I really needed today. Thank you so much ❤️
I was in a relationship like this with someone before. We agreed that first and foremost we were NOT dating and had no commitments or arrangements to keep doing what we were doing and either one of us could stop at any time. Second we also agreed on the only two words that meant anything "No and Stop". If either of those two words were used, we stopped immediately and discussed the boundaries or terms of moving forward with any acts, or stopping it completely.
TW sexual assault
Once I hooked up with a guy that I might at a bar and with no prior discussion, he choked me until my vision started to black out. I immediately was like, wtf, but he seemed genuinely surprised that I was not into it. It was shocking, I felt like I was going insane, when had chocking become a “normal” sex act that was just “part” of sex. I’m not trying to make excuses for the guy, but I feel like he was a symptom of a larger problem. :/
“Does every video I make about sex come down to communication?” This is a question I ask myself every time my partner and I make a video about BDSM. 😂
Also, I love love love this topic and video and will definitely check out that book!
I'm on the side of things where I feel like I should be into these things because everyone else is. All my friends want to be handcuffed and whatever in bed and I can't fathom how anyone could be into that (not shaming anyone, just not interested) and I've been shamed for being boring. Well...? I'm not aroused by that idea? I like the sex I do have. I feel like vanilla shaming is becoming more prevalent than BDSM shaming. Even the word vanilla...
I agree...I am on the same page ,embrace yourself honey and you are far from boring...Ignore the toxicity and pressure that people put on you
Gold. All your videos are pure gold. S.Ed. is so so lacking as a result of being restricted by cultural conceptions. You are successful one who frees it of those boundaries into an endlessly objective & truly honest reality, both traits nearly impossible to find with regards to S. Ed. elsewhere.
Thank you for another really important video again highlighting the need for communication and consent for everything. The BDSM community is very much built on trust, communication and consent which is often misunderstood or misrepresented in the main stream media and Hollywood. I hope your channel with all the great advice and info go some way to balance this. Another educator channel with a lot of detailed niche info you are probably aware of is Evie Lupine.
So glad to hear the bit about getting the consent of the slapper as well as the slappee: I feel like a lot of discussions of consent in BDSM leave out the dominant partner, assuming that they're instigating and in charge. Not always true! It's good to have videos like this as a resource for people navigating these kinds of relationships, to recognize what's new and scary because it's stigmatized in the broader culture and what's raising red flags because it's abusive.
This is actually such an interesting conversation. I'm writing my masters thesis on the normalisation of BDSM, and how it affects our autonomy this year, so I really enjoyed this video
Your content is fantastic, Hannah. So important for people to understand the difference. Thank you.
Unfortunately a lot of people think that every man and every woman wants the same things. A lot of sex advice relies on believable stereotypes rather than actually good advice. Stereotypes that validate what they have already internalized are more believable than anything that challenges them. Also, it is a lot easier to come up with specific advice when you start making specific assumptions. For a lot of men their teacher is pornography, which is often obsessed with male dominance and only calls it BDSM if there is bondage too.
Agree on the strange view upon BDSM. In a sense, most of porn is incorporating some sort of BDSM. Bondage is only B, while dominance can be any of the four letters. And doesn't have to include any props at all.
Thanks so much for making this. I think this is vastly misunderstood.
God Hannah just doesn't miss with these videos. Hope you're doing great these days!
Great vid. Important to be reminded to ask consent for certain acts _every time_ you have sex (with the same person).
That's so interesting and should be more broadly discussed, thank you for talking about it ☺️. I'm a total people pleaser when it comes to sex and that led me to say yes to a lot of unwanted things. What really helped me is to practice my "no". Telling no to small things first (no I don't want to eat/drink this) and then to sex-related stuff (no I don't want to switch position/try this/do that). It's not perfect already but I'm getting better at saying no.
And, on the other hand, that helped me to welcome the no of my partners by saying "thank you for setting your boundaries with me/thank you for allowing me to know what you dislike). It's something we should do in every relationships of our lives to stop taking the no of people for a personal offense
A third of British women under 40 have experienced unwanted slapping, spitting, choking or gagging in bed, according to research carried out for the pressure group We Can’t Consent to This, which campaigns to limit the so-called “rough sex” defence for murder (used by men who killed their partners to argue that the women died accidentally, in consensual sex games).
A very important conversation!!! 👏
Communication about what you're into is definitely something that should be discussed in sex Ed and something i wish I knew sooner.
This year researcher Dr Helen Bichard of North Wales Brain Injury Service and The Walton Centre NHS Foundation Trust set out the appalling harms of strangulation[14]. She says of this new trend of online ‘advice’ for safe strangulation:
"I am extremely concerned by the cultural normalisation of strangulation. Erotic asphyxiation should be as much of an oxymoron as erotic brain damage, because brain damage is the potential result. Much of the online advice is misguided; some of it is fatally wrong. When you compress the carotid artery you cut off oxygenated blood flow to the brain, and the brain therefore cannot function properly. Consciousness can be lost in as little as four seconds - a sign that the brain is being compromised. Any pressure to the artery can lead to dissection, in which blood clots can form and cause stroke, sometimes delayed by weeks. The law MUST send a strong signal that this is simply unacceptable. "
It's pretty sad because in BDSM circles choking is known to be one of the riskiest activities but outside of them it's oddly normalised. I wish the education would catch up.
Longtime BDSM practitioner here. I absolutely agree that the normalization of rough sex is concerning. You don't just go and choke your partner because you're assuming that they'll be into it. I love choking, but would never perform or allow choking without discussing it first.
I'd also like to add if you are someone looking into BDSM you will see SSC around which stands for Safe Sane and Consensual. Although in recent years there has been some debate over this term, but it is still used, and is the term you will most likely see when starting out.
In the UK at least, SSC has largely been replaced by RACK and it's something I don't often see/hear now. SSC does not really acknockledge the fact that the vast majority of BDSM acts are never totally safe, even if the risk profile is acceptable to most.
@@92Pyromaniac I live in the UK and SSC is still the norm in my location. And hence why my original comment mentioned it has had some debate over it.
this video is so well done and educational and seeing it just reminds me how grateful i was/am to have found your sex education in my formative years. thank you!
Thank you so much for this video, Hannah. 💛
I would really like to know what you think of the representation of BDSM in the film Love and Leashes. I really liked it but I don't feel like I know enough about the community to judge its portrayal of the BDSM community, so I would love to hear your thoughts about it :)
Awesome and necessary video! It gets me thinking about CNC and how we navigate that too,
Poeple are free to do what they want but I still have the feeling that there is something wrong with violence during sex. Even if consensual , Something is unsettling to me. especially because I sometime feel these urges. is having an urge a reason to act on it? not sure how healthy it is for a society to normalize this.
I absolutely love that we are having this conversation !
I think we should go further and question the gender dynamics at stake behind rough sex. I don't mean to oversimplify the issue but when statistically speaking i think women tend to be on the receiveing end of rough sex acts and we should definitely ask ourselves why. I am in no way sex negative or kink shaming but it is not a simple coincidence that (some/most) men tend to have fantasies where they are inflicting pain/domination and (some/most) women tend to have fantasies when they are being subjected to it.
I also think we should question rough sex as a coping mechanism for victims of sexual violence, and aknowledge that the reenactment of the violent sexual act can be healthy but can also be very detrimental to victims of SA, if it's not "done well".
A lot of dominatix I heard talking about this say it is the opposite
Men come to be dominated (sometimes they struggle to remain in the sub position)
But I agree this is a greater discussion
@@pegaseg70 aha yes sure but the work of dominatrix is to be dominating so it makes sense that men would come to them for this. But you're right, i think a lot of men love to be submissive because they are otherwise always expected to be in charge.
But when we talk about non-paid-for sexual practises i think it is different! I have no actual data to back that up though aha
I want to share this video because this is so important for people to hear (but yeah generally a sfw person so I sadly wont) I have experienced some unpleasent things due to the lack of education on this. Pls, if anybody has the guts to share content like this please do!
This is such an important conversation 👏
Really?
Have you seen Anatomy of a Scandal on Netflix? I finished it yesterday and this video could have been written about the show. It opened up conversations between me and my husband and it's just such an important show. Not an easy watch but I'd love to hear your thoughts on it.
I just clicked on the video, but I assume the answer to the title is "consent."
This was a good and important video ❤️. I'm gonna recommend my mom show this in one of her classes bc her students didn't have great sex ed in high school and, from what they've told her, quite a few of them regularly engage in more rough sex thinking it's the standard.
Also, is it possible to add subtitles to a video that's not your own? I wanna add Dutch subtitles (cause my mom's students don't all have great English)
i wanna recommend the film love and leashes on netflix, it's a BDSM romcom which i didn't think i'd like as much as i did but i really love it, i've already seen it twice
also the book the feminist and the sex offender: confronting sexual harm, ending state violence
Love that you talked about this topic, so important
Another great educational video Hannah :) But the little camera zoom in/out every few seconds was super distracting, made it hard to concentrate on what you were saying
In a vlog she explained she is very quickly out of breath so she has to cut a lot of footage of her catching her breath
(She is currently pregnant, close to delivery)
Hello good evening Mis. I hope you are doing well, it's a good explanation, because you always try to inform everything very clearly and you explain everything very nicely. Have a good time.
You wouldn't punch someone to start a boxing match! So always ask before doing rougher acts 😊
This os very important! Thank you for your job❤
You should generally decline any offer of actions that might put your health or your life at risk. That's called rational thinking... And it's of course totally amoral to even offer such actions...
Wish I knew all this when I was a teenager
oh hannah
so good ! thank u for this
there is a new movie about bdsm on netflix called love and leashes. idk if its good representation for the bdsm community but i thought it was quite fun and charming
i just posted a comment recommending this. i didn't expect to enjoy it so much but it was actually quite lovely and wholesome lmao
Kat Blaque did a review (shes kinky and has reviewed 4 films about bdsm this one was the best so far
Hannah, what a great video!
I got so much from this video, thank you.
This is a video worth making a remark about.
so important, thank you !
Awesome!!!
I feel like you can use this info in many other situations, sexual or not. I love it! Definitely will share with my partner :)
Rough sex is beautiful
I think sexual violence is evil.
TW: Sexual Violence
Amazing video! Thank you! This helped me so much! I recently had a first date encounter with a BDSM sex crazed fetish man with a full 50 shades of grey sex dungeon when he gave me his house tour. I communicated all my boundaries that I need to be safe, didn’t like sexual violence of any kind, and had to build trust to be intimate. I’ve had past experiences when people got rough on me without consent, like strangling, so I want to avoid those experiences again. I feel like with sex you need trust and to discover those things safely with your partner. He tried to bulldoze all my boundaries, tried to jump right into foreplay when I only consented to kissing, pulled my hair when I previously said I didn’t like that, pinched my breasts so hard they bruised, and only cared for himself and his own kinks. In order to leave his home, I made up a kink that I loved denial and needed multiple dates to build up to sex. 😂 He thought it was hot and let me go. I was lucky I wasn’t forced into sex with the guy, or tied up and murdered so I have to be really careful now. I learned that even if you set boundaries, they mean nothing if you don’t back them up by saying no when they’re crossed.
It scared me so bad that I viewed the BDSM community extremely negatively. I’ve been researching it the past couple days and now I know that the community is actually pretty cool because a respectable person will care for the needs of their partner. Communication, respect, and care for all parties are needed. Knowing the difference between sexual violence and BDSM from this video helped me heal and I greatly thank you for it. I discovered I am a very vanilla girl and there is nothing wrong with that. I hope one day I will find someone that doesn’t try to hurt me when I’m vulnerable and listens to my needs.
Yes! Thank you my queen!
Great video, Hannah. Thanks!
One small quibble, re 8:23 - I believe this statement is accurate in a legal framework, but philosophically, is it true? I've imagined contexts in the past where I believe I'd consent to being killed... and... I think it could be fairly genuine. If I knew you personally, I'd say let's discuss. :)
Leaving this one running with the sound off and commenting for the algorithm. Great topic, too triggering for me at this point.
Someone should make a yes, no maybe list into a tinder style app
I have a question! How do you feel about teens (under 18) watching your videos to learn about sex education? I find in a lot of situations minors don't get properly taught about things like this and so they turn to the internet but a lot of things are still held behind the rule of 18+ even though its very common for people under 18 to be having sex and participating in things like BDSM
That's why mandatory, unbiased sex education in school is so important - education always need to be one step ahead of practise.
The number of high schoolers I knew when I was that age who needed this exact video... It's bizarre that people put 18+ age restrictions on videos that discuss sexual consent.
Hi blessings I now this is not what you talk about but please help me I have a stoma like you can you please tell me how to avoid Leaks on my bag because I changed it last night and I wake up at 2:30 in the morning with a huge leak and I don’t know what to do with this thank you for your help
So important
Without watching the video, it's consent, right?
great video!
Bravo!!👏 👏
I love six and I always try to do it nicely, but I don't have a good chance of doing it. What will be your suggestion to me for doing it?
Please show me a good way of doing it.
Good luck, and have a good time.
good video!
2:16 Well someone's been having fun with acronyms
i hadnt heard of 50 shades of grey actually
Umm is that your mold on the book shelf 🤔
I'm a heterosexual female whose experienced sexual assault and rape. In the list of resources, I can't find one that is for me. It mentions LGBTQ+ and men, which is brilliant but what about heterosexual females?
The National Domestic Abuse Helpline, listed in the resources section, is for women experiencing domestic abuse or intimate partner violence. They also have a website. They're mostly focused on the legal aspects, housing, and overall navigating the logistics side of it, though. The Survivors Trust is another UK-based group that leans more into counseling and emotional support-though I'm in the US, so I can't vouch for them.
I feel that sometimes people treat consent like its some sort of magic wand thst erases all possible harm.
Obviously consent is fundamental to healthy s3xual relationships but its not everything.
If a person consents to a harmful act being done to them the act is still harmful. To give an analogy if I had a friend who claimed to enthusiastically consent to being shot, would that make it OK to shoot them?
Obviously no.
So why is it suddenly Ok to strangle, beat or cut someone in a s3xual encounter just because they consented? Their bodies will still be harmed.
And quite frankly I dont buy that certain things can be done "safely". If there is a risk of death it does not belong in the bedroom. People should not be risking death during sex.
Amen.... Perfect video.
NGL, I really did not like the book Rough. I felt like it's very invested in constructing or referencing the idea of some kind of 'normal' sex. Rough sex is bad when it's non-consensual, not because it's not 'normal sex', and framing that heavily relies on 'x is not a normal way of having sex' a) involves logic that leads to 'kinksters like abnormal sex, and it's less bad/ok/etc to do acts to them non-consensual because of it' and/or b) people who don't want to have 'normal' kinds of sex (e.g. penetrative vaginal sex) have less grounds to complain/are less harmed. Other kinds of sex (cunnilingus, PiV sex, etc) are also shown on tube sites without the context that they can/should be negotiated and had consent for-- should they be? If not, why do we draw the line where we do, and how can we not say that our idea of what crosses over that line isn't influenced by cisheteronormative ideas about what sex should be.
As a French YT channel says : l'important, c'est de commuNiquer
Unfortunately many people women and men alike are getting their sexual education through porn. Even the most "boring" porn clips I would find horrific in a real life scenario.
Minute 8:48 has something worth its salt. 😂
Should write a reverse 50 shades 😮 huh 🤔 help write ✍🏻 is fine tho but my psychiatrist 😂 Never seen hers .
I'm not really sure how its ok for someone to enjoy inflicting pain or humiliation on their partner, especially considering its usually the man who is the one who's inflicting the pain and humiliation on their female partner. a lot of women in the BDSM community love to talk about they like being dominated and I'm sure they do, but isn't a bit fucked that there are significant numbers of men wandering about in the world who get off on choking, spitting on, hitting women etc. OK, maybe they only do it to women who are consenting, but why do they like it? what's sexy about degrading your partner? or am I supposed to believe that all the male doms in the BDSM community are long-suffering, ever-giving people who force themselves to spit on women and slap them in face solely for the women's enjoyment? some of the creepiest men I've ever met have been in the BDSM community. no doubt I'll get "no true scotsman" replies, but, in my experience, men who get off on "pain play", "breath play" "impact play" or whatever other euphemism you want to use, tend to be pretty gross people in general.
I know a large number of people into bdsm of varying genders and sexual orientations and I find the amount of "gross people" is about the same or lower as an average slice of the population. I'm sorry you've met so many gross ones, but I hope you will also meet nice people that can balance your view.
I haven't come to the same conclusion as you, from my own experience. One of my previous sexual partners was into bdsm but he would ask me abut what I was into. if we could try some stuff that he likes etc, talking about what he wanted to do before he did them, if I consented to it. pretty respectful in that regard.
Something to consider as well is that the women or men who likes to be dominated, they get pleasure from it and some people get pleasure from giving someone else pleasure. so doesn't mean that the dominate people just wanna see their partner suffer. It's a different between people who are violent just to see someone suffer. they don't care about consent, and people who want to dominate someone but know that their partner get pleasure from that.
Not the place for this. Kink-shame elsewhere
I think to a lot of people, there are inherent power dynamics in sexual interactions that can be appealing. To many people in the BDSM community, it's the act of domination or submission via these actions that's appealing, rather than the actions themselves. It should also be noted that there are many female dominants and male submissives and this is becoming more and more normalised in mainstream culture - hell, even the new drake song has a lyric "whips and chains like a dominatrix".
Many people of all genders also identify as a "switch" so enjoy both being dominant and submissive, and may enjoy either to varying extremes. Its just something people enjoy both giving and receiving.
Essentially, don't just paint submissive and dominant into any gender, and don't assume all dominants are callous people - anything done in the framework of love and consent with one's partner in a safe manner shouldn't be shunned. There absolutely are bad actors, and that is what this video covers.
A lot of people like bdsm, because in a way its often seen as taboo. People often like to participate in taboo sex in a hopefully safe and consentual way. I would say humans in general like to participate in dangerous acts in a safe way generally. Sky diving comes to mind, danger is often thrilling especially when the death aspect is greatly reduced. Also in the book Come as You are, the author states that when someone is in a sexual state of mind almost all stimuli can be interrupted by the brain as sexual. So pain during sex, doesn't actually "hurt". At least no in the same way normal pain is processed. There is a conversation to be had about bdsm and society, pressure to participate ext... But I also think a lot of bdsm, is also just curiosity and wanting to see how different sensory information plays out in a sexual context. I think the way our brain can interpret pain during sex also follows with mental pain as well. Its not interpreted as pain, or something negative.
Spanking?what does spanking mean to you
💖
Iam so embarrassed 😳
why?
The language is wierd. It Is violence and it is sexual. It is sexual violence. Like Boxing match is violence. Its fine and good type of violence but it still is violence. Maybe assault would be better stand in for non consentual rough "play"
Beautiful
Im kearning from hervscary but 😮😂❤