wow. for the first case, I don't even understand, why the father needed proof of the daughter's actions before having a conversation with everyone about it, in the first place. he really did basically tell his wife that she should get the proof in some way
Can you imagine what it would be like to tell your partner something happened and have them say without proof they're not doing anything? Oh so you think I'm lying?? Wtf? He obviously just doesn't want to act cause it's not bothering him. What a useless partner.
If I were a stepmom and dealing with this kind of behaviour from a teenager, without support from my partner / the child’s biological parent, I would be so mad. I don’t love the idea of using a camera within the house, but I can understand the stepmom not knowing what else to do to give proof. The father was not willing to do anything to solve the situation and discipline his daughter, which also shows the daughter that she can misbehave without consequences.
Tbh “You ruined your birthday cake, now you don’t get one,” is about the most reasonable and proportionate punishment I’ve seen on this sub. Maybe she could offer that they make a new one together once step-daughter apologizes.
Yup, consequence for her actions. Stepmom made her a cake as a nice surprise, but she ruined it deliberately, so now there is no cake anymore. I wouldn’t even offer to remake it, the girl is 17 years old and not a small child anymore and cake ingredients also cost money, if the ingredients are used up they are used up.
Also without recording how else will there be proof. She isn’t going to do it with dad there. Even if the step mum saw the event with her eyes didn’t it feels like it wouldn’t be enough to prove it.
I agree with this, but I wouldn't really call that "punishment." As the stepmom, she shouldn't be punishing the kid anyway. But refusing to make a whole new cake after the first one got ruined is just a reasonable reaction. It's not really punishment, it's just valuing your own time. Personally, in OP's shoes I would have served it, salt and all. Frost it and serve it. The daughter "modified" it, she can deal with the results.
I mean without the recording she wouldnt have know before the occasion and served it anyway... I still don't like the recording part though But I also don't know his to solve this if no ones believed me...
As someone who suffered severe gaslighting in my abusive family ("This never happened, you just imagine things, you are crazy, you lie, ...." just 5 minutes after something happened) , I am just so happy people can record things now. When I was a child/teen, the technic wasn´t that far jet, I could not use my phone to record things. Always record abusive behavior when gaslighting is involved. It saves your soul. The constant twisting of the truth makes you doubting your own eyes and ears. I experienced it. I thought my reality was different from what the real reality is. No, my family was just gaslighting me. The cameras don´t lie. I can just say, there are family scenarios, where I am just so happy children can now record abusive dynamics and get help only because this camera footages exists. This was not a thing when I was a teen and no one believed or helped me.
The sisters’ family didn’t thought that if she went to the wedding all the guests would’ve been surprised to see the sister sitting with the “extras”, if they care so much about other people opinions this is worse than not going to the wedding!
Right but in that case people are likely to think, "I wonder what the sister did to get put over there." If the sister turns down the invitation then people might think, "Oooo, I wonder what the bride did that her own sister wouldn't attend."
It's going to cause way more rumors to see the sister excluded from the photos and sitting at another table. If she just doesn't show up people might talk for a minute, but will ultimately forget about it.
@@alex_blue5802 Agreed. If she doesn't show up, people will assume, "Oh, poor dear, she must not have been able to get the time off work," or some such. If she's there, but excluded? Ooooooh, tongues WILL wag.
Yeah, if she doesn't go, the other guests will just assume she couldn't make it. Busy with something that couldn't be rescheduled or whatever. Or they might not even realize that she's not there. If she's there, but separated from the family, that looks so much weirder and more conspicuous.
I feel bad for the step mom in the first one. She was stuck between a rock and a hard place and she did try to communicate but the husband kept shutting her down. Major NTA for her
Theirs an update in another comment and basically the dad apologized and said he was scared of losing her the ex is the one hounding her daughter to do this to her step mom. The daughter was sending her mom pictures to avoid that argument.
Families, or perhaps I should "groups of closely genetically related persons", of my generation and older, have covered up a lot of very dark trauma for the sake of "keeping up appearances". It has to stop.
So there's some extra detail in the first one. Apparently the bio mom is a total bitch who's been telling the girl to act out cuz she hates stepmom cuz she's younger if I remember correctly by like 5 years or something(no infidelity), and the reason the dad won't talk to the daughter is because he's afraid that the bio mom will take away rights from him. He apologized to his wife for getting mad at her later on and then made his daughter apologize too. He's going to talk to his ex and deal with it.
This goes along with my first thought that if the step mother hadn't taken the complete hands off approach of just going to the dad and actually talked to the girl, the problems probably would have worked themselves out much sooner. The girl would have been less likely to act out against someone she was more friendly with, someone she could talk to.
If that story is real and not just creative writing on the part of Op, I feel really bad for the daughter. She was completely being manipulated. That sucks.
Honestly, I’d leave the dad. There’s only so much crap you can take and she tried to talk to him. It’s not like the kid is 5! She’s almost at college age! She’s acting like a brat, dad is useless and refusing to punish the little darling and he specifically asked for proof! Dad is the biggest AH. What else do you do in that situation?
i found the update! The dad did apologise, claiming he was scared of losing her, turns out the ex was hounding her daughter to do this... the daughter was photographing it and sending it to her mum to avoid that argument
@@AesopMain Wow. Messing with someone's food on purpose--even if it's just salt--crosses a massive line. And that this is by proxy, makes it so egregious. Dad should sue for full time custody, honestly. It's beyond the pale.
@@AesopMainwow, Now I feel sorry for the daughter too. Hopefully now that the truth is out, she will go to her dad if her mom tries to push her into anything else she doesn't really want to do
When my grandmother died she had an open casket funeral. I was very outspoken with my family that i did not want to remember her that way so i would not be appraching the casket. When we got to the funeral my dad started pressuring me to approach the casket with my mother so I could support her. I love my dad but seriously, if you feel she needs to support approaching the casket then you go up with her. I will support her afterwards.
I always forget that open casket funerals are a thing in other countries. We don’t really do that in the UK (at least where I am). I’m sure you can do it on request, but what I’ve seen happen usually is that before the service you can decide whether you want to see the open casket or not and then after that the undertakers will take it to where it needs to be (like the church or chapel or wherever)
I completely understand you. Years ago a close friend died (he was in his early 30s) and I went together with another friend to visit the body in the morgue. At the time I wanted to do it because I wanted to “say goodbye” to my friend , as well as support his mother. I wouldn’t do it again. Seeing my dear friend laying there was super hard because he was there is body but it was not him anymore.
I attended my mom's funeral when I was 7. It couldn't be open casket, so I didn't have to deal with that, but it was still super traumatic and an experience I regret, not one I accept and am over. My family knows I will never attend another funeral, no matter who it's for. I skipped both my grandpa and grandma's funerals, and they won't be the last. I don't blame you for not wanting that to be your memory of the situation. Everyone has their own way of grieving, and your boundaries should be respected. At least you were there. That's already more than you are required to do.
a similar thing happened to me where some family members tried to pressure me to go up to the casket at my grandmas funeral, even tho i didn’t want to, but my dad told me i didn’t have to do i didn’t, i wish people were more respectful of others boundaries 💔
I would have ignored the salt on the cake and continued on with it. Make it nice and pretty and serve it to dad and daughter. (no objection to the filming BTW....ONE TIME....proof you want? Proof you will get) What would daughter do when dad is about to take a big bite out of the cake? Would be interesting to find out. Would she eat it and pretend it was good? Would she say step mom did the salt thing? THAT is when you pull out the video. But yes. Shaaba you are correct. It's really too bad in step parent situations when the non birth party has no say in things. They should be able to sit down and have a chat. Do they need dad's permission to do that? ------------------------------------------ Sisters wedding. Curious if sisters could have a conversation. "Were you forced to invite me to your wedding by the family?" "Um...maybe" "Do you really want me there? Be honest" "Um....not really" "Well they are trying to force me to come. Can we agree that we will both be happier if I do not show up?" "Yes. That would make me happy" The end.
@@freckles4603 I am just curious as to why you think it's not okay. Personally I don't see anything wrong with it, so I think we are coming from very difference places.
@@freckles4603 I'm curious about this as well. Not trying to be rude or anything, I'm just wondering the logic. I view it the same as I view people filming the police. If you're not doing anything wrong, then you have nothing to worry about (in the context of catching mistreatment, gaslighting, or lying, of course. I do not, under any circumstances, advocate for the filming of people in private scenarios, such as changing/showering/using the bathroom, etc.)
@@freckles4603- Why is filming not okay? The stepdaughter was lying, and the video is the proof. If the stepdaughter wasn’t lying about it, the video wouldn’t be needed.
I feel like "as an adult we all do things we don't always want to do" is often just an excuse to pressure people to do things other people want them to do. Sometimes I do things I don't want to do, but mostly because it supports me or someone I love to live the life I want to live or need to do to cover survival needs. I don't see how attending a wedding with someone who dislikes you and you dislike would do that. But I can see how for the family, they believe it supports the life they want to live (projecting a certain image of family that may not actually exist). Still not an excuse to make someone else uphold that image.
I guess the parents of the two sisters will just have to be adults and do something they don't want to do, which is acknowledge that their children don't get along.
For the first case, if the teenager is ruining her dishes then she should have to help her remake them and they can talk while they're cooking. Making her eat a salty cake is not how you raise a kid, that's just humiliating and it's gonna make things worse. I fully understand how frustrated and annoyed she is but I hope she didn't listen to the subreddit and did that. Also the father should be the one finding solutions, he's not doing enough.
If the OP _made_ the daughter eat the cake, I agree with you. That's not okay. I personally would have just finished baking and frosting it and served it to them as is. That's perfectly fine, in my view. You're not forcing anyone to eat it. You're just pretending you didn't know. OP spent the time to make a cake. She's not obligated to make another one. If she was going to throw it out anyway, might as well serve it and see how the daughter handles that, since she'd know it was no good. She might give herself away by claiming OP ruined the cake without actually trying it. Would the daughter sit there and watch her dad take a big bite of it, knowing what she did to it? Serving it might get the truth out without even having to use the video as proof.
On the last one, I'm confused how they thought the sister not attending would cause MORE of a stir than the sister being sat with non family? At least her not being there people might not even notice but if people know she's the sister and see she's being excluded from anything family related then it's clearly gonna highlight that there's issues. Also, I think if the sister actually wanted her there and it was just her who didn't want to go then yeah maybe be an adult and go. But when the sister bride herself clearly doesn't want you there either there's definitely no reason to go. It actually helps not create a scene of clear exclusion.
Not only would she not be sat with family, OP would also be excluded from photos. How can they think the people won't notice and gossip big time about that?!
@@WelcomeApathy the family thinks they can bully the bride into changing her plans and blunt some of the more public acts of cruelty. This type of nonsense is probably why their relationship is where it is. Not all siblings are friends, but usually when there's this level of petty passive aggression it's because of external pressures. The bride has probably been getting pushed into including OP for as long as OP has been alive and she's misdirecting her frustrations at OP instead of being an adult and setting boundaries with the family.
Sometimes you have to do things you don’t wanna do… so I don’t exactly feel overjoyed going to the doctors for a smear test but it’s something I need to do. If I got an invite like this to a wedding I would absolutely not be going as it’s not a need to do. There’s a clear difference there 😂 Also the step mum and dad with the kid situation, I’m with you Shaba a good sit down conversation is exactly what’s needed!
I read something once, some things that make us feel good in the long term do not make us happy in the short term. Getting a smear test, cleaning the house, studying for a test, having to spend money on things like toilet paper, etc - Adult life is full of things we need to do even if we do not want to in that moment. But we know they make sense or are necessary. Going to a wedding of someone who doesn’t even want you there is not one of those things!
My brother and I have a semi strained relationship. I didn't want to be an asshole so I did invite him to my wedding. My parents have asked him to just stay behind and look after their dogs, and I think everyone is happy with this arrangement. Thankfully very little family will be at my wedding to begin with, so at most I'll get a polite inquiry from mother in law.
If/when I get married again (I'm currently happily divorced) my siblings will be lucky to find out about it ahead of time, forget being invited! I have no intention of inviting anyone who has bullied me for my entire life. (I'm 51.) If that makes me an @$$hole, so be it.
That second one hits close to home. OP is not the asshole. Two of my siblings have a huge rift between them, and other members of the family have tried to force them into a reconciliation several times. People have even tried to involve me, though I refuse to get involved. The whole situation is very sad and I understand some of the attempts are coming from a very genuine place, but it’s the kind of thing no one can force and trying to makes it worse.
In my family, my two brothers get along great and have always been best friends, but their wives hate each other. This means that my brothers can't ever both attend family events, which sucks for them because they're so close. I haven't gotten involved much, but others have really pushed for reconciliation, which I have mixed feelings about. It's just a really shitty situation
The “sometimes adults have to do things they don’t like” doesn’t apply to optional celebrations such as parties where neither of you would rather attend. It applies to non- optional things like, I don’t feel like grocery shopping but I do NEED food in the house. I don’t feel like going to work today but I do NEED money to pay my bills. I don’t feel like driving during rush hour but I do NEED to get home… that’s my take. And they’re using that phrase as a way to try to make her do something she does NOT need to do
I've read that first one before, there's an update where the dad admits he didn't want to tell his daughter off because he didn't want to give her a reason to only stay with her mum or the mum a reason to go for full custody, as far as I remember they all sat down and had a pretty reasonable talk and sorted things out
for the wedding, "she couldn't come" if someone were to ask a question would cause so much less attention than her being there but not sitting with the family.
I love AITA because they are always like situation that the person isn't, then they absolute worse person (less of these) and then there are ones that the OP isn't the A but then they do one thing at the end and then they are the Ahole
With the second story and your comments about "letting there be a rift" made me feel very seen. Especially as I don't want a relationship with family (particularly my dad) but I'm "encouraged" to be nice to him to make it easier for everyone else. And because the whole situation is mentally draining, I just stay quiet. But then family are annoyed I'm not talking. Its a no win
Situation two. Nope neither sister wants OP at that wedding. The relatives should be focusing on being happy for the bride, not thinking about what other people think of them, or trying to make the bride have someone at the wedding that she doesn't want there. Her wedding, not theirs. Irony is, both sisters probably share a mutual large amount of frustration at the relatives! Maybe they can bond over this one day, but trying to force them to be around each other is going to make this less likely. Going to a wedding isn't a thing a person has to do if they don't want to because of "being an adult". I think it's the relatives failing to "be an adult" in this situation. Congratulations to the sisters on breaking out of this immature crap behaviour, essentially maturing beyond the level of the relatives.
I’m having a situation at the moment where I’m struggling to keep a relationship with my Aunty because not only does it feel like I’m putting in all the work but she says and does some incredibly toxic things. She can be a generous person (dropped us to the airport multiple times, takes us to shopping when we stay with her, taken me to concerts since we live in the bush) but lately I feel like the generosity is not worth ignoring the rest of the behaviour. My mum keeps saying basically she’s family, tough it out but you shouldn’t have to force a relationship with someone just because they’re family
Your aunty sounds like what's sometimes called a generous narcissist. The "generosity" benefits the narcissist in two ways: it feeds their ego when it garners appreciation from the recipients, and it makes it harder for recipients to object if they don't like when the narcissist turns toxic. It's even harder you're expected to put up with it "because they're family'. IMO, the whole idea of "family" is one of humankind's least enlightened or helpful.
@@reptiqueen7275 She lives 3 hours from where I live so we already have less contact than if she lived closer but yeah after a recent incident I am thinking maybe I need to go low contact
@@coasttocoast2011 You have my sympathy. I cut ties with my mother completely because she was a narcissist and my life has been so much happier. I hope you can find a way to, if not cut ties completely, then see less of her and try to set some boundaries. Sending you hope.
On the Wedding invite one I would contact the sister - and just straight up ask her Do you care If Im at your wedding? No Okay then my wedding RSP of No is good. If you want to know ask if the mother required her to send an invite to you or not ? This AITA reminds be of me and my brother we had a Horrible relationship for a while but my family never forced us into that kind of direct contact, by the time he got married we where more Neutral to one another, so I was fine with helping thinking it more in the practice of learning a skill then really doing it for Him- although I will say I do really like his Wife who is dope as hell.
Shaaba! There's an edit to the first one to tell us what happened after! You should go look it up! Apparently things went in an unexpected direction and look to be going well now!! :D
100% agree on the second one. I think the reason this doesn't fall under the "sometimes as adults you have to do things you don't want to" category is that it's not meaningful to either of the people who are really the ones involved. It's meaningful to the other family members who are butting in trying to get OP to go, but her attendance isn't meaningful to OP or her sister. If the sister really wanted OP there and she was refusing to go, that would be a much tougher situation to make a call on. I had something a little similar in my own life (but without the dram, thankfully): when I was in my late teens I was invited to my stepsister's wedding and declined. We didn't dislike each other, we just never had much of a relationship at all and I felt like I was only invited because it was the "right" thing to do
That is the key part in my opinion, the sister getting married doesn’t really want the OP sister there and has made her feelings known by saying she will sit her away from the family - which sounds like a mean thing to do, but on the other hand she is transparent about it from the start rather than OP needing to find out on the day of. I actually think neither OP nor the sister getting married are in the wrong. I can understand that the parents specifically are sad that their daughters are not getting along and one will not be at the wedding of the other, but someone’s wedding is not the place to try to resolve that issue.
One of the best wedding invites I've received was from a really close friend, simply telling me that I'm obviously welcome to join if I want to, but no pressure, as she knew I'd hate being there. I immediately declined, and offered to dogsit for them instead 😄 (And no, there was no manipulation going on. I know for sure I was honestly invited, but dogs had been the thing in the center of our friendship through all the years, and it was no secret I was a lot happier at home with dogs than in big groups of people.)
@@durabelle I love that! I’m not the most comfortable person in large gatherings where I do not know a lot of people, so I’d at time appreciate being invited (because it’s nice to know people are thinking about me) but also have it be okay that I do not attend, with the person knowing I care about them and love to see them, but not in a large event.
"Sometimes being an adult means doing things you don't want to" is for things where doing the thing you don't want to do leads to some greater benefit for you and the people you care about. You work a job you don't always enjoy to earn money. You brush your teeth to keep your teeth healthy. You examine your actions and apologize and make reparations when you need to to maintain relationships you don't want to lose. But if the cost of doing something you don't want to outways the benefit, then it's not worth doing.
Especially because the sister getting married probably also doesn’t want her there. It’s something else to attend a family or social function to make family happy because they’d like you there, but the sister getting married doesn’t want her OP sister there (as far as I understands least) so not attending is actually a lot more kind.
Sometimes you need to do things you don't really want to do applies to things like: apply for jobs, go to job interviews, go to your job when you're not feeling your best, paying your bills, filing taxes, etc. Just your average adult stuff and possibly going to the doctor. But NOT going to a wedding where you don't want to be and clearly aren't welcome...
I'd add things you do for your loved ones, like your children or spouse. Some of those might not be your idea of fun or even important, but sometimes it's necessary to be there as a supportive parent or partner. But only if they really want you to do it, you actually value them, and you know they'd do the same for you.
In the past whenever I was being accused of being selfish it was because I didn't want to do what the other person wanted me to do. Sometimes being selfish is a form of self care.
There was an update for the first one, apparently the step-daughter's mother was telling her to do things like that and it was easier for the step-daughter to just do it rather than tell her mother no
I didnt attend my older brothers wedding, all my other immediate family made the trip from Australia to Columbia for the wedding. They made a holiday of it staying 2-3 weeks over there. I stayed home, my older sister and I share a house and dogs. So I looked after them. I work for my dad, so I kept the business running. There was no way I was going to my brothers wedding, my dad even offered to cover the travel cost. I said no. My parents know why, but my 5 siblings (excluding my older brother) didnt know why. But they didnt raise a fuss. It was my decision. One that I don't regret. it was the right one for me.
I definitely agree with you on both of these, although I do understand why the stepmom in the first one chose to use a camera to get evidence. I might have done the same if stuck in her situation. A sit down conversation would be ideal, but it doesn't sound like that was an option for her, and she needed a way to stop her food from being ruined. Honestly, the whole family needs to seek family therapy together (or maybe just the stepmom and daughter could do so, with the spouse/father occasionally attending). Whether or not that's an optoin for them, the stepmom was definitely NTA for refusing to make a second cake after the girl intentionally ruined the first one. I hope that family can get some help. Living in a home with that level of dysfunction is never fun.
For the first one i really wonder why the dad didnt believe her.. like do they have a history of her also lying to try and get the kid in trouble? Is she like secretly emotionally abusive and that's why the kid is acting out? Like yeah, it could be that the kid and dad are just awful but i feel like maybe theres another side to this story.
Too many people are unhappy because they're living their lives to others expectations instead of living the life that will make them happy. Life's too short, do what makes you happy.
Wow, the whole sister wedding one got me. I was in kind of the same predicament. My sister invited me to her wedding because the family wanted us together. There's some really bad mental health issues that makes sister and I incompatible on many levels. I just didn't go. Family is STILL trying to force me to "just suck it up and make up". I'm $60,000 in debt because I cosigned a loan for her and her son. She told me "you were stupid enough to fall for it, so it's your problem." Needless to say, I do not want any contact with my sister after she make it clear she had no intention of ever paying the loan, or paying me back in any way. A few years ago there was another wedding in the family, and they invited both of us. My sister said she would go, so they uninvited me because they didn't want anything to take away from the wedding. I understand that completely, I didn't want to go anyways. The issue I had was, why invite me in the first place? 🤷 My family also doesn't like that I'm trans as well, so that kinda puts a damper on family gatherings.
One of the things I thought about in this episode was the idea of needs versus wants. You can want something, like your children to get along so that They want to show up to each other's events and want their siblings at their events. But you don't need need everything you want. I want a slice of chocolate cake right now, but there is no circumstance under which I need a slice of chocolate cake. It can be okay to sacrifice your wants for somebody else's needs, it can Also be important in some instances to put the needs of another person over the needs of yourself, usually in cases where you can prioritize and handle the most urgent needs first. But I don't think it is ever reasonable for somebody to put another person's wants over their needs. Honestly several years ago this was such a gigantic breakthrough for me that really let me start asserting healthy boundaries. And I think some folks in these stories could stand to learn this lesson as well.
"Sometimes as adults we have to do things that we don't want to do" is a phrase that was weaponized against me SO MANY TIMES to force me to be around people who treated me like shit and keep my mouth shut for the sake of "keeping the peace". Being an adult sometimes means doing things we don't want to, yes... as in, going to the bank and filing our taxes, NOT as in swallowing mistreatment to maintain some fucked-up artificial facade like we're dolls in a dollhouse instead of living people who deserve to be treated with respect.
My sister got married right before I turned 17. She’s nearly 6 years older than me. My mom INSISTED on her making me the maid of honor even tho we were never super close. Sis had already told me she wanted me as a bridesmaid and my mom was furious when sis told her she was going to have her best friend since first grade as MOH. We had to sit our mom down together for me to tell her I didn’t WANT to be MOH and that in the future when I got married I didn’t want my sis as my MOH either (but she was a bridesmaid for me as well.) Mom finally chilled out with it. I think whatever the people getting married want is what should matter, screw the family’s opinions.
A good rule for the last story. OP is competent tonmaie their own decisions and is consenting to the potential/actual consequences. That alone is enough to me. But also, people outside the relationship don't get to decide what happens with the people inside the relationship. This is ultimately between the sister and OP, no one else matters, no matter how loudly they are expressing their two cents/desires on the matter.
Setting boundaries with family is so frikking hard. I just had to make my boundaries very clear. They're a need for my health, not a want. Even setting those boundaries, being clear about my health situation right now, is so so difficult. I'm breaking my parents hearts by being sick, and getting worse. That sucks. Especially when the needs go against not only my family's wants, but my own. I always used to be a people pleaser, with the mindset that it's better that only I am uncomfortable/hurt/upset, rather than making everyone uncomfortable/hurt/upset. Now I'm sharing, so we're all crying. But at least that might be better in the long run...? Working hard on not taking responsibility for the feelings of my loved ones, but I've always just *felt* so much, and learned to push that down deep to put others wants above my own. I'm much better at comforting than being comforted. I would work on in therapy it if I wasn't just trying to survive being severely chronically ill. Therapy isn't available, accessible, or disability informed. All my energy needs to go to trying to survive. (And getting my escapes in, like watching a TH-cam video, listening to an audiobook)
I agreed with you all the way. I just came here to say, it’s always nice to eat my Monday dinner with you. I like habits and this one is a very good and healthy one !
OMG !!! EVERYTHING YOU'VE SAID STARTING AROUND 9:50 !!!! It's almost word to word what I've been saying to my family about my really toxic grandmother. Like...I'm actually stunned about how accurate and close to what I said that is.
@@shaaba Thanks a lot. I actually cut ties with her this summer just before moving abroad. It felt great and I strongly recommend it to anyone in a similar situation
Having dealt with people who do horrible little things and then lie about it (and their defenders), in my experience they don't stop until they're confronted with proof that they can't dismiss, destroy, or otherwise get around. The lies and self doubt are the point. They need to know that it isn't their word against yours anymore, because that's their game. Not everyone can be reasoned with without a hard confrontation first. It's really unfortunate that people are defending the daughter, she's not going to grow out of the behavior if she thinks it's okay.
"Keep the peace" - Who's peace? Certainly not my peace if you're pushing me towards what is obviously going to be a miserable, uncomfortable experience. That's just going to breed further resentment, that will surely erupt eventually and disrupt the false picture of peace that's so desperately being clung to. You can only sweep so much under the rug before the lumps start to show.
For the second story, if I was OP my response to the question "what will people think if you're not coming to your own sister's wedding" would have been that people would probably think that I was treated terribly by the sister both before the wedding announcement and in the invitation and my reasons for not coming were valid.
As someone who is no contact with their family... i "kept the peace" but by keeping the peace i let them make homophobic and transphobic remarks towards meand my relationship and if i spoke up i was belittled and gaslit. So frankly... if you dont want to be around certain family members... you dont have to.
For the 2nd story: I think if the sisters had been in a conflict, but one of them decided to forget about it\invite OP despite it, I think that OP should go. But the sister didn't want to forget about it even for the day of the wedding - she explicitly suggested that she wants to exclude her sister from the wedding even if she show up.
The first situation.... weird. At 17 and having only had this woman in her life since age 14, it's probably not wise to be trying to have a step-parent relationship with her, because she isn't a child, really, anymore, but then she is behaving like one. Disciplining a 17 year old with punishments seems very inappropriate, because ultimately she can't be controlled physically without doing something abusive. Seems like 17 year old doesn't want OP around. Suspect they had a conversation with her when OP moved in, but she was probably always unhappy about OP moving in. As there's no mention of any other "children", it seems likely up until OP moved in, 17 year old was the sole recipient of her dad's attention within the home and she hasn't adjusted to that no longer being the case.... I was that 17 year old once. It didn't end well, although I didn't do childish stuff to the man my mum moved in to what was supposed to be my home without my approval. Honestly I think it's just an all round bad idea to move a new partner into a house where someone is in their teens, especially without their consent, because they are dealing with a lot of changes physically and psychologically and ultimately in doing that you make them feel even less secure because now they are having to share what they thought was their home with someone they don't know or like particularly, so it's like saying to a kid. "Hey, here's ANOTHER thing you don't have control or a say over, that you'll just have to deal with, and you're going to have to deal with that and all your other insecurities with less support from me than you're used to having because I'm going to be giving most of my attention to this other person from now on." It doesn't make sense. Have a boyfriend or girlfriend who lives elsewhere, sure. But moving them in? Wait till the kids are 18 or moved out, whichever is first. At least at 18 they can get a place of their own with less difficulty. Not justifying the 17 yo behaviour, but I do think it's a silly thing to do.
It does seem like a bit of a cry for help really doesn't it. Like she wants to get in trouble with her Dad just to get a bit of attention. It sounds like she's not happy and doesn't really know how to communicate it or perhaps she has been ignored when she has tried to say something so this is her trying to force the issue.
Story 1 - I hear what you are saying and in an ideal world, communicating would work. In step relationships, there are so many emotions, communication, unless long, extended therapeutic it is doubtful to work.
2) NTA and same here. For the longest time I was hardcore into the idea that you need to maintain relationships with parents and siblings no matter what they'd done in the past. That's just stupid and unhealthy if the cost outweighs the benefit. I was lucky. I like my family. Other people are not so lucky and I learned to not only accept but respect that. People who hurt you DO NOT get a free pass because they share some of your DNA. Toxic is toxic and you gotta cut that sh!t out.
There was an update to that first one in the original post. I think the OP said that the bio mom had basically put the daughter up to it and pressured her into ruining the food.
In the case of the 2nd AMITA where the family say it would look bad if OP didn't show, is it not worse for her to show then everytime a family photo is taken or they sit together for a portion of the wedding, she's 'absent' isn't that worse in the case of 'looking bad'
I'm an only child and I find it so sad for siblings to have such a big rift between them that they can't even share the best moments together in a civilized way. BUT if the relationship is that bad, just going to an awkward wedding is def not gonna help. NTA just a sad situation :(
Sounds like both families need a lot of counseling. If step mom could not show her anger, it would spike kid’s guns; take up boxing to blow off steam. The sister needs to take care of herself; maybe the fam could do something together after couple leaves on honeymoon.
Regarding the second case and selfishness, I agree with you both that it's okay to be selfish, and that the family were being selfish in an unhelpful way. I think there's a difference between OP's healthy "I am going to do x because it is what's best for me" selfishness, and the family's unhealthy "I am going to tell YOU to do x because it is what's best for me" selfishness. Healthy selfishness is setting boundaries and making decisions about what you are going to do, but when you are trying to dictate someone else's actions, that's when things go wrong.
Every action should be done by minimizing harm, and you are responsible for yourself. You are included in that harm. Option 1, they go the wedding. The sister will be harmed as there is what she would consider a stain on her own wedding day. OP would be spending money and taking their time to go to a wedding they dislike and will be incredibly uncomfortable the whole time. Option 2, they don't go the wedding. The sister is much more relieved she won't have to deal with her sibling, and OP gets to save that money and spend their time how they'd like. The only people being hurt are the family who will likely forget about halfway through the wedding. I doubt there is anyone at that wedding who knows OP exists but doesn't know why they aren't there. Sister's friends likely already know about their bad relationship, sister's acquaintances probably don't know she even has a sister, and the family not only know about their relationship but know it's the reason why OP isn't there. I bet you they will either forget about OP not being there or will spend the entire time talking about it to the point that sister has to call them out for it. I'd argue option 1 is less harmful, but I'd especially argue that OP is responsible for keeping themself happy, and the family is responsible for themselves as well. Considering that the damage caused by either action is pretty equal, OP needs to look out for their own needs, and that means not going. I would say NTA on that second one.
Me and my parents haven't had any contact with my mom's side of the family because they had been treating my mom like crap for years. I wanted to break contact years before but didn't because my mom wanted to keep them in her life. But when she got a serious CVA in 2002 (she was partially paralised and couldn't talk) and they didn't bother to visit her in hospital, that was finally the last straw for my mom. I haven't been in contact with them since 2002 and I'm fine with that. I don't need all that toxicity in my life, neither do my parents. For my mom it was like a weight that was lifted after she cut them off. She was always so stressed before and after seeing them.
I feel like for the first one, reading between the lines, the dad just doesn’t want to parent. He said he needs proof because he didn’t think there was a way to get proof, and that’s why he’s mad. His behaviour is damaging not just for the sake of the woman he’s meant to love but if his daughter is acting like that there’s very clearly some hurt there that needs resolving, and he’s just turning a blind eye. Honestly, maybe she’s doing it to get his attention, if he’s not very present as a parent in her life.
Just jumping in here as a step parent. The advice largely given by professionals is exactly what is going on here - bio parent and step parent discuss issues, then bio parent handles the conversations with the child and the discipline.
This poor stepmother!!! The teen is doing everything she can to drive a wedge between her and her father. Because she is working the system that Dad created. Dad should trust his wife enough to sit down with his daughter and his new wife and talk out the problems.
The wedding one: What the family fails to see is that there's going to be more talk about why OP is not sitting with the family at the wedding than there would be if OP just didn't show up. From the way I'm understanding it is OP's sister has a huge family table for the family to be at and then other smaller tables for guests and at one of those tables is the "extra guests" which screams "I didn't want these people here, but was forced to invite them for whatever reason". How is that not going to spark some gossip?
For the wedding one: I briefly thought maybe she should be petty and go. :) But, honestly, with all the family pressure, I would have recommended calling sister and asking if she had been pressured into sending the invite. If so OP could have let her know OP was being pressured to attend. Then they could come to an agreement for OP not to attend, could both tell the family to but out, and maybe even have a bit of a "bonding" moment over telling the family off.
Loving your take on covering this subreddit! Tuning in every time :D I feel like it would be really fun to have a video where you go through to the comments of your AITA videos. See what your peaches are saying and contributing to these posts and verdicts.
This correlates a bit to my other comment but it also regarding the last AITA. When my dad and his wife got married my dad invited me when we had lunch out. I knew they had sent out invites and I did not expect one so I wasn't hurt by not getting one. However, my dad, as I said, invited me during alunch out just me and him. I asked "does you fiancée want me there". he answered with a sigh and said that no she doesn't, but he wants me there. As I knew she would make a scene about it if I attended on "her special day" I told him that if SHE calls me or even texts me or sends a signed invite I will come, but I will not attend an event where I am not welcome and the brides reactions can't be fully predicted. I mean, can she poison a gluten intolerant persons food with wheat flour, than anything can happen. He signed and said that won't happen, and then I said "I have always just wanted you to be happy, I am not even saying don't marry the b*tch, I have never said anything of that sort, but I can't attend unless properly invited". He understood.
1) Best response is definitely serving the cake with salt in it for the stepdaughter's birthday. Actions -> Consequences 😅 2) I have been that person. I didn't go to my abusive stepsister's wedding. I haven't seen her or her ghoul of a mother since, and it is wonderful. I can breathe again. My self-esteem is growing back slowly after 20 years of being beaten down emotionally, psychologically, and sometimes physically. Before I bailed I tried to plan what I was going to wear, and I kept having break-downs, because I was trying to find a dress balanced between too ugly and better than stepsister and stepmother, because those were the two outfit-based abuse triggers. They have no idea how to dress for their body types, and always pick something worse than I'm expecting, so it's always been an impossible balance to strike. No matter how hard I tried, I would always get abused for my outfits- and a massive list of other things, including breathing, but the outfits are relevant here. I did get some small compensation for my suffering when I accidentally saw a picture of her in her wedding dress months after the event, because the photo was sitting out on a relative's table. Her dress was a rumpled and unfitted satin sack, which proved so perfectly both that I was so right to worry about outshining her, and that karma exists, because that was truly the dress she deserved.
@@shaaba yeah pretty sad, she started crying about the whole thing. Probably could have been avoided or at least fixed earlier if the dad had spoken to her about it when it started.
1st The real problem is her husband wants her to parent without any authority. 2nd the sister wouldn't act that way if she didn't think that her parents were easy to manipulate into helping force her into a humiliating situation. Be the difficult child for once it may pay dividends in the end.
13:19 The thing about doing things we don't want to do as adults has nothing to do with this situation at all. We do those unwanted things because the NEED to do them is greater than our feelings. i.e. I don't want to go to work but my children need to eat and I have to pay rent. whereas this situation literally has no necessity involved on the part of anyone. Invitations are not mandatory and weddings are not life or death events. Perhaps a better example where this argument from the parents would make sense is if a family member were in the hospital and everyone needed to come together and make the difficult last decisions and OP should be there despite having to interact with the sister because they both have a strong relationship with the other family member in need.
I loved your response to the first story, and 100% agree with your verdict (and the process of getting there) Always happy to see the nuance in your takes
For the first one, I found the original post and there is an update! Edit/update: Now a bit after I posted my husband came up and apologized to me. He fears he will lose his kid if he is too strict. He did go and talk to his daughter and parented. It was a long talk and she came out and apologized to me after. It was long, and broke down to his ex. She took a picture of the cake after and I didn’t think much of it in the video. Well her mom has been hounding her. She found it easier to cause me problem then tell her mom no. He is going to deal with his ex, he asked me to right a list everything I can remember her doing and we will go to a mediator. For my stepdaughter she is grounded for a month and needs to cook 4 times a week for he family. She took this with grace so I think there is hope and want to give it a try before blowing up the marriage.
… Yeah, if I was on the groom’s side and was told that the bride’s sister is sitting apart from the family and isn’t allowed in any of the family photos, that would raise a lot more questions than her simply not being present.
Hi Shaaba. I completely agree about both of these takes. The wedding one truck a nerve was me. It’s a timely reminder that it’s ok to do things that others might consider to be ‘making a scene’ to safeguard our comfort and Mental Health. It’s something we all need to remember from time to time. Also, thank you for everything you do with this channel. It gives me so much joy, so I know I’m not the only one who feels this way. Particularly love your takes on AITA. Thank you.
I don't agree with NTA for the first one, I think I have to say ESH. The way the stepmom talks about the daughter is weird to me and idk, it kinda raises red flags. Like calling her an asshole... It just doesn't sit right with me. And I feel like setting up secret cameras in your home, especially for something like this, is a fucked up thing to do. I agree that the dad sucks too, but I think the stepmom might not be giving the whole story
When people use the argument "but you'll make them look bad", it always comes off as victim blame-y to me. Why is the person *exposing* a bad situation labeled as the bad guy, instead of the person *creating* that situation? Like, if you dig a hole for yourself, it's not my darn job to go out of my way and drag you outta there. It would be a kind gesture to do, but I'm in no way obligated and you can't call me an AH for not doing it.
100% agree with the last one. I have a family that’s like that and it makes absolutely no sense to me. My grandparents know I don’t like them and yet my granny tries to force me to act like we get along and every time I see her she constantly brings up how long it’s been since she last saw me. She always asks my mom why I’m not attending things and when she receives a satisfactory response she just keeps asking because she isn’t happy with the response that she heard. At least my grandpa understands that he’s a piece of sh*t lmao he has never once tried to convince me to love him, he even told me as a child that the only reason he has any family left is because of his money and that when I’m older I’ll understand why nobody loves him. And now that I’m older yeah I do and I’d like to stay away from him. But in terms of the “we all do things we don’t want to do” thing, I am going to attend my brother’s wedding without creating a scene because it’s for my brother and not for them. I just avoid my grandparents as much as possible and play nice when they say hello. The difference is that the event has nothing to do with my grandparents and my brother is much more of a people pleaser than me so he appreciates just keeping the peace so I can do that for one event. He also doesn’t know the reasons I have major issues with my grandparents so he wouldn’t understand why I was asserting bigger boundaries if I did.
While I do think part of being an adult is sometimes working with people who you sometimes clash with (I would say that would mostly pertain to professional relationships), the sister’s wedding isn’t one of them. I personally would’ve maybe gone if I was going to be part of family stuff, but that invite was insulting, and I think not going rather than risking a blowout at the wedding was the mature response.
Wow, if she goes to that wedding and doesn't sit with the rest of the family EVERYONE at the wedding are going to ask her why she isn't sitting with them. If the parents "fix" it that would just make it even more awkward...sigh
For the sabotaging step-daughter, the father really has to do something, or the underlying problem won't be fixed. But if I were stuck in that situation and not willing to get out of it, I would just start serving all the ruined dishes. Don't even blame anyone. "Oh, I don't know what I did wrong, sorry!" Also, the father surely could have made his daughter a cake.
For the first one, I understand having boundaries for step parents but taking all parental authority away from the step parent leads to kids disrespecting them because it looks like they're still guests or temporary people in the kids' life. Idk if I'm explaining correctly, but kids have to know that this person is here to stay. For the second one, I would've just changed the official RSVP to shut everyone up and privately tell sister I'm still not going, don't waste money on me. It's not great but if it gives the sisters peace of mind until the wedding then who cares.
wow. for the first case, I don't even understand, why the father needed proof of the daughter's actions before having a conversation with everyone about it, in the first place. he really did basically tell his wife that she should get the proof in some way
And it also says he doesn’t trust his wife to be telling the truth. He assumes she’s lying to get his daughter in trouble and that is a can of worms
Can you imagine what it would be like to tell your partner something happened and have them say without proof they're not doing anything? Oh so you think I'm lying?? Wtf? He obviously just doesn't want to act cause it's not bothering him. What a useless partner.
you’re so right, very odd!
If I were a stepmom and dealing with this kind of behaviour from a teenager, without support from my partner / the child’s biological parent, I would be so mad. I don’t love the idea of using a camera within the house, but I can understand the stepmom not knowing what else to do to give proof. The father was not willing to do anything to solve the situation and discipline his daughter, which also shows the daughter that she can misbehave without consequences.
Head deep in the sand, I think that is his strategy
Tbh “You ruined your birthday cake, now you don’t get one,” is about the most reasonable and proportionate punishment I’ve seen on this sub. Maybe she could offer that they make a new one together once step-daughter apologizes.
What a great idea!
Yup, consequence for her actions. Stepmom made her a cake as a nice surprise, but she ruined it deliberately, so now there is no cake anymore. I wouldn’t even offer to remake it, the girl is 17 years old and not a small child anymore and cake ingredients also cost money, if the ingredients are used up they are used up.
Also without recording how else will there be proof. She isn’t going to do it with dad there. Even if the step mum saw the event with her eyes didn’t it feels like it wouldn’t be enough to prove it.
I agree with this, but I wouldn't really call that "punishment." As the stepmom, she shouldn't be punishing the kid anyway. But refusing to make a whole new cake after the first one got ruined is just a reasonable reaction. It's not really punishment, it's just valuing your own time. Personally, in OP's shoes I would have served it, salt and all. Frost it and serve it. The daughter "modified" it, she can deal with the results.
I mean without the recording she wouldnt have know before the occasion and served it anyway... I still don't like the recording part though
But I also don't know his to solve this if no ones believed me...
As someone who suffered severe gaslighting in my abusive family ("This never happened, you just imagine things, you are crazy, you lie, ...." just 5 minutes after something happened) , I am just so happy people can record things now. When I was a child/teen, the technic wasn´t that far jet, I could not use my phone to record things. Always record abusive behavior when gaslighting is involved. It saves your soul. The constant twisting of the truth makes you doubting your own eyes and ears. I experienced it. I thought my reality was different from what the real reality is. No, my family was just gaslighting me. The cameras don´t lie. I can just say, there are family scenarios, where I am just so happy children can now record abusive dynamics and get help only because this camera footages exists. This was not a thing when I was a teen and no one believed or helped me.
I hope your life is happy now. ❤🙏
The sisters’ family didn’t thought that if she went to the wedding all the guests would’ve been surprised to see the sister sitting with the “extras”, if they care so much about other people opinions this is worse than not going to the wedding!
Right but in that case people are likely to think, "I wonder what the sister did to get put over there." If the sister turns down the invitation then people might think, "Oooo, I wonder what the bride did that her own sister wouldn't attend."
It's going to cause way more rumors to see the sister excluded from the photos and sitting at another table. If she just doesn't show up people might talk for a minute, but will ultimately forget about it.
@@alex_blue5802 Agreed. If she doesn't show up, people will assume, "Oh, poor dear, she must not have been able to get the time off work," or some such. If she's there, but excluded? Ooooooh, tongues WILL wag.
Yeah, if she doesn't go, the other guests will just assume she couldn't make it. Busy with something that couldn't be rescheduled or whatever. Or they might not even realize that she's not there. If she's there, but separated from the family, that looks so much weirder and more conspicuous.
I feel bad for the step mom in the first one. She was stuck between a rock and a hard place and she did try to communicate but the husband kept shutting her down. Major NTA for her
Theirs an update in another comment and basically the dad apologized and said he was scared of losing her the ex is the one hounding her daughter to do this to her step mom. The daughter was sending her mom pictures to avoid that argument.
Families, or perhaps I should "groups of closely genetically related persons", of my generation and older, have covered up a lot of very dark trauma for the sake of "keeping up appearances". It has to stop.
It has to stop.
Like, seriously.
So there's some extra detail in the first one. Apparently the bio mom is a total bitch who's been telling the girl to act out cuz she hates stepmom cuz she's younger if I remember correctly by like 5 years or something(no infidelity), and the reason the dad won't talk to the daughter is because he's afraid that the bio mom will take away rights from him. He apologized to his wife for getting mad at her later on and then made his daughter apologize too. He's going to talk to his ex and deal with it.
This goes along with my first thought that if the step mother hadn't taken the complete hands off approach of just going to the dad and actually talked to the girl, the problems probably would have worked themselves out much sooner. The girl would have been less likely to act out against someone she was more friendly with, someone she could talk to.
If that story is real and not just creative writing on the part of Op, I feel really bad for the daughter. She was completely being manipulated. That sucks.
Honestly, I’d leave the dad. There’s only so much crap you can take and she tried to talk to him. It’s not like the kid is 5! She’s almost at college age! She’s acting like a brat, dad is useless and refusing to punish the little darling and he specifically asked for proof! Dad is the biggest AH. What else do you do in that situation?
I was just thinking, yeah, I totally understand why his first wife left him.
i found the update! The dad did apologise, claiming he was scared of losing her, turns out the ex was hounding her daughter to do this... the daughter was photographing it and sending it to her mum to avoid that argument
@@AesopMainYikes! But that certainly frames things more clearly. ☹️
@@AesopMain Wow. Messing with someone's food on purpose--even if it's just salt--crosses a massive line. And that this is by proxy, makes it so egregious. Dad should sue for full time custody, honestly. It's beyond the pale.
@@AesopMainwow, Now I feel sorry for the daughter too. Hopefully now that the truth is out, she will go to her dad if her mom tries to push her into anything else she doesn't really want to do
When my grandmother died she had an open casket funeral. I was very outspoken with my family that i did not want to remember her that way so i would not be appraching the casket. When we got to the funeral my dad started pressuring me to approach the casket with my mother so I could support her. I love my dad but seriously, if you feel she needs to support approaching the casket then you go up with her. I will support her afterwards.
I always forget that open casket funerals are a thing in other countries. We don’t really do that in the UK (at least where I am). I’m sure you can do it on request, but what I’ve seen happen usually is that before the service you can decide whether you want to see the open casket or not and then after that the undertakers will take it to where it needs to be (like the church or chapel or wherever)
I completely understand you. Years ago a close friend died (he was in his early 30s) and I went together with another friend to visit the body in the morgue. At the time I wanted to do it because I wanted to “say goodbye” to my friend , as well as support his mother. I wouldn’t do it again. Seeing my dear friend laying there was super hard because he was there is body but it was not him anymore.
I attended my mom's funeral when I was 7. It couldn't be open casket, so I didn't have to deal with that, but it was still super traumatic and an experience I regret, not one I accept and am over. My family knows I will never attend another funeral, no matter who it's for. I skipped both my grandpa and grandma's funerals, and they won't be the last. I don't blame you for not wanting that to be your memory of the situation. Everyone has their own way of grieving, and your boundaries should be respected. At least you were there. That's already more than you are required to do.
a similar thing happened to me where some family members tried to pressure me to go up to the casket at my grandmas funeral, even tho i didn’t want to, but my dad told me i didn’t have to do i didn’t, i wish people were more respectful of others boundaries 💔
I never understood open caskets. Even the thought of it is so distressing to me. Even if it wasnt a loved one it'd scar me let alone if it was
I would have ignored the salt on the cake and continued on with it. Make it nice and pretty and serve it to dad and daughter. (no objection to the filming BTW....ONE TIME....proof you want? Proof you will get) What would daughter do when dad is about to take a big bite out of the cake? Would be interesting to find out. Would she eat it and pretend it was good? Would she say step mom did the salt thing? THAT is when you pull out the video.
But yes. Shaaba you are correct. It's really too bad in step parent situations when the non birth party has no say in things. They should be able to sit down and have a chat. Do they need dad's permission to do that?
------------------------------------------
Sisters wedding. Curious if sisters could have a conversation. "Were you forced to invite me to your wedding by the family?" "Um...maybe" "Do you really want me there? Be honest" "Um....not really" "Well they are trying to force me to come. Can we agree that we will both be happier if I do not show up?" "Yes. That would make me happy"
The end.
The filming part is absolutely not okay. The fact that it was one time doesn’t justify it, just- how??
If the stepdaugher is framing it as stepmother ruining the cake, I imagine she would stick with that story if the cake was actually eaten.
@@freckles4603 I am just curious as to why you think it's not okay. Personally I don't see anything wrong with it, so I think we are coming from very difference places.
@@freckles4603 I'm curious about this as well. Not trying to be rude or anything, I'm just wondering the logic. I view it the same as I view people filming the police. If you're not doing anything wrong, then you have nothing to worry about (in the context of catching mistreatment, gaslighting, or lying, of course. I do not, under any circumstances, advocate for the filming of people in private scenarios, such as changing/showering/using the bathroom, etc.)
@@freckles4603- Why is filming not okay? The stepdaughter was lying, and the video is the proof. If the stepdaughter wasn’t lying about it, the video wouldn’t be needed.
I feel like "as an adult we all do things we don't always want to do" is often just an excuse to pressure people to do things other people want them to do. Sometimes I do things I don't want to do, but mostly because it supports me or someone I love to live the life I want to live or need to do to cover survival needs. I don't see how attending a wedding with someone who dislikes you and you dislike would do that. But I can see how for the family, they believe it supports the life they want to live (projecting a certain image of family that may not actually exist). Still not an excuse to make someone else uphold that image.
love this take x
I guess the parents of the two sisters will just have to be adults and do something they don't want to do, which is acknowledge that their children don't get along.
For the first case, if the teenager is ruining her dishes then she should have to help her remake them and they can talk while they're cooking. Making her eat a salty cake is not how you raise a kid, that's just humiliating and it's gonna make things worse. I fully understand how frustrated and annoyed she is but I hope she didn't listen to the subreddit and did that. Also the father should be the one finding solutions, he's not doing enough.
If the OP _made_ the daughter eat the cake, I agree with you. That's not okay. I personally would have just finished baking and frosting it and served it to them as is. That's perfectly fine, in my view. You're not forcing anyone to eat it. You're just pretending you didn't know. OP spent the time to make a cake. She's not obligated to make another one. If she was going to throw it out anyway, might as well serve it and see how the daughter handles that, since she'd know it was no good. She might give herself away by claiming OP ruined the cake without actually trying it. Would the daughter sit there and watch her dad take a big bite of it, knowing what she did to it? Serving it might get the truth out without even having to use the video as proof.
On the last one, I'm confused how they thought the sister not attending would cause MORE of a stir than the sister being sat with non family? At least her not being there people might not even notice but if people know she's the sister and see she's being excluded from anything family related then it's clearly gonna highlight that there's issues.
Also, I think if the sister actually wanted her there and it was just her who didn't want to go then yeah maybe be an adult and go. But when the sister bride herself clearly doesn't want you there either there's definitely no reason to go. It actually helps not create a scene of clear exclusion.
Not only would she not be sat with family, OP would also be excluded from photos. How can they think the people won't notice and gossip big time about that?!
@@WelcomeApathy the family thinks they can bully the bride into changing her plans and blunt some of the more public acts of cruelty. This type of nonsense is probably why their relationship is where it is. Not all siblings are friends, but usually when there's this level of petty passive aggression it's because of external pressures. The bride has probably been getting pushed into including OP for as long as OP has been alive and she's misdirecting her frustrations at OP instead of being an adult and setting boundaries with the family.
Sometimes you have to do things you don’t wanna do… so I don’t exactly feel overjoyed going to the doctors for a smear test but it’s something I need to do. If I got an invite like this to a wedding I would absolutely not be going as it’s not a need to do. There’s a clear difference there 😂
Also the step mum and dad with the kid situation, I’m with you Shaba a good sit down conversation is exactly what’s needed!
I read something once, some things that make us feel good in the long term do not make us happy in the short term. Getting a smear test, cleaning the house, studying for a test, having to spend money on things like toilet paper, etc - Adult life is full of things we need to do even if we do not want to in that moment. But we know they make sense or are necessary. Going to a wedding of someone who doesn’t even want you there is not one of those things!
My brother and I have a semi strained relationship. I didn't want to be an asshole so I did invite him to my wedding. My parents have asked him to just stay behind and look after their dogs, and I think everyone is happy with this arrangement. Thankfully very little family will be at my wedding to begin with, so at most I'll get a polite inquiry from mother in law.
If/when I get married again (I'm currently happily divorced) my siblings will be lucky to find out about it ahead of time, forget being invited! I have no intention of inviting anyone who has bullied me for my entire life. (I'm 51.) If that makes me an @$$hole, so be it.
That seems like a very positive version of keeping the peace - finding a solution that everyone is happy with.
That second one hits close to home. OP is not the asshole. Two of my siblings have a huge rift between them, and other members of the family have tried to force them into a reconciliation several times. People have even tried to involve me, though I refuse to get involved. The whole situation is very sad and I understand some of the attempts are coming from a very genuine place, but it’s the kind of thing no one can force and trying to makes it worse.
In my family, my two brothers get along great and have always been best friends, but their wives hate each other. This means that my brothers can't ever both attend family events, which sucks for them because they're so close. I haven't gotten involved much, but others have really pushed for reconciliation, which I have mixed feelings about. It's just a really shitty situation
@@emmafischell622 Possible solution there- sometimes have the brothers attend the family event, but not their wives.
It was so nice of Shaaba to drop this video during my lunch break
bon appetit!
Eyyy are you in pst too? Also hi shaaba :D
hey, same here! what amazing timing :D
@mazzythedogperson I’m actually in Central Daylight Time, I just have school lunchtime at around 1:00
@@one-onessadhalf3393 ohh :(
The “sometimes adults have to do things they don’t like” doesn’t apply to optional celebrations such as parties where neither of you would rather attend. It applies to non- optional things like, I don’t feel like grocery shopping but I do NEED food in the house. I don’t feel like going to work today but I do NEED money to pay my bills. I don’t feel like driving during rush hour but I do NEED to get home… that’s my take. And they’re using that phrase as a way to try to make her do something she does NOT need to do
I've read that first one before, there's an update where the dad admits he didn't want to tell his daughter off because he didn't want to give her a reason to only stay with her mum or the mum a reason to go for full custody, as far as I remember they all sat down and had a pretty reasonable talk and sorted things out
for the wedding, "she couldn't come" if someone were to ask a question would cause so much less attention than her being there but not sitting with the family.
I love AITA because they are always like situation that the person isn't, then they absolute worse person (less of these) and then there are ones that the OP isn't the A but then they do one thing at the end and then they are the Ahole
With the second story and your comments about "letting there be a rift" made me feel very seen. Especially as I don't want a relationship with family (particularly my dad) but I'm "encouraged" to be nice to him to make it easier for everyone else.
And because the whole situation is mentally draining, I just stay quiet. But then family are annoyed I'm not talking. Its a no win
Situation two. Nope neither sister wants OP at that wedding. The relatives should be focusing on being happy for the bride, not thinking about what other people think of them, or trying to make the bride have someone at the wedding that she doesn't want there. Her wedding, not theirs. Irony is, both sisters probably share a mutual large amount of frustration at the relatives! Maybe they can bond over this one day, but trying to force them to be around each other is going to make this less likely. Going to a wedding isn't a thing a person has to do if they don't want to because of "being an adult". I think it's the relatives failing to "be an adult" in this situation. Congratulations to the sisters on breaking out of this immature crap behaviour, essentially maturing beyond the level of the relatives.
I’m having a situation at the moment where I’m struggling to keep a relationship with my Aunty because not only does it feel like I’m putting in all the work but she says and does some incredibly toxic things. She can be a generous person (dropped us to the airport multiple times, takes us to shopping when we stay with her, taken me to concerts since we live in the bush) but lately I feel like the generosity is not worth ignoring the rest of the behaviour. My mum keeps saying basically she’s family, tough it out but you shouldn’t have to force a relationship with someone just because they’re family
I'm sorry you're struggling with this. Would you be able to go low contact? It seems that no contact isn't an option for you right now
Your aunty sounds like what's sometimes called a generous narcissist. The "generosity" benefits the narcissist in two ways: it feeds their ego when it garners appreciation from the recipients, and it makes it harder for recipients to object if they don't like when the narcissist turns toxic. It's even harder you're expected to put up with it "because they're family'. IMO, the whole idea of "family" is one of humankind's least enlightened or helpful.
@@reptiqueen7275 She lives 3 hours from where I live so we already have less contact than if she lived closer but yeah after a recent incident I am thinking maybe I need to go low contact
@@daisytwotoes That perfectly describes her
@@coasttocoast2011 You have my sympathy. I cut ties with my mother completely because she was a narcissist and my life has been so much happier. I hope you can find a way to, if not cut ties completely, then see less of her and try to set some boundaries. Sending you hope.
On the Wedding invite one I would contact the sister - and just straight up ask her Do you care If Im at your wedding? No Okay then my wedding RSP of No is good. If you want to know ask if the mother required her to send an invite to you or not ? This AITA reminds be of me and my brother we had a Horrible relationship for a while but my family never forced us into that kind of direct contact, by the time he got married we where more Neutral to one another, so I was fine with helping thinking it more in the practice of learning a skill then really doing it for Him- although I will say I do really like his Wife who is dope as hell.
Shaaba! There's an edit to the first one to tell us what happened after! You should go look it up! Apparently things went in an unexpected direction and look to be going well now!! :D
100% agree on the second one. I think the reason this doesn't fall under the "sometimes as adults you have to do things you don't want to" category is that it's not meaningful to either of the people who are really the ones involved. It's meaningful to the other family members who are butting in trying to get OP to go, but her attendance isn't meaningful to OP or her sister. If the sister really wanted OP there and she was refusing to go, that would be a much tougher situation to make a call on. I had something a little similar in my own life (but without the dram, thankfully): when I was in my late teens I was invited to my stepsister's wedding and declined. We didn't dislike each other, we just never had much of a relationship at all and I felt like I was only invited because it was the "right" thing to do
That is the key part in my opinion, the sister getting married doesn’t really want the OP sister there and has made her feelings known by saying she will sit her away from the family - which sounds like a mean thing to do, but on the other hand she is transparent about it from the start rather than OP needing to find out on the day of. I actually think neither OP nor the sister getting married are in the wrong. I can understand that the parents specifically are sad that their daughters are not getting along and one will not be at the wedding of the other, but someone’s wedding is not the place to try to resolve that issue.
One of the best wedding invites I've received was from a really close friend, simply telling me that I'm obviously welcome to join if I want to, but no pressure, as she knew I'd hate being there. I immediately declined, and offered to dogsit for them instead 😄 (And no, there was no manipulation going on. I know for sure I was honestly invited, but dogs had been the thing in the center of our friendship through all the years, and it was no secret I was a lot happier at home with dogs than in big groups of people.)
@@durabelle I love that! I’m not the most comfortable person in large gatherings where I do not know a lot of people, so I’d at time appreciate being invited (because it’s nice to know people are thinking about me) but also have it be okay that I do not attend, with the person knowing I care about them and love to see them, but not in a large event.
"Sometimes being an adult means doing things you don't want to" is for things where doing the thing you don't want to do leads to some greater benefit for you and the people you care about. You work a job you don't always enjoy to earn money. You brush your teeth to keep your teeth healthy. You examine your actions and apologize and make reparations when you need to to maintain relationships you don't want to lose. But if the cost of doing something you don't want to outways the benefit, then it's not worth doing.
Especially because the sister getting married probably also doesn’t want her there. It’s something else to attend a family or social function to make family happy because they’d like you there, but the sister getting married doesn’t want her OP sister there (as far as I understands least) so not attending is actually a lot more kind.
Sometimes you need to do things you don't really want to do applies to things like: apply for jobs, go to job interviews, go to your job when you're not feeling your best, paying your bills, filing taxes, etc. Just your average adult stuff and possibly going to the doctor. But NOT going to a wedding where you don't want to be and clearly aren't welcome...
I'd add things you do for your loved ones, like your children or spouse. Some of those might not be your idea of fun or even important, but sometimes it's necessary to be there as a supportive parent or partner. But only if they really want you to do it, you actually value them, and you know they'd do the same for you.
In the past whenever I was being accused of being selfish it was because I didn't want to do what the other person wanted me to do. Sometimes being selfish is a form of self care.
There was an update for the first one, apparently the step-daughter's mother was telling her to do things like that and it was easier for the step-daughter to just do it rather than tell her mother no
The update on the first story is very revealing
The ex wife/the teen's mother was encouraging the bad behavior
I didnt attend my older brothers wedding, all my other immediate family made the trip from Australia to Columbia for the wedding. They made a holiday of it staying 2-3 weeks over there. I stayed home, my older sister and I share a house and dogs. So I looked after them. I work for my dad, so I kept the business running. There was no way I was going to my brothers wedding, my dad even offered to cover the travel cost. I said no. My parents know why, but my 5 siblings (excluding my older brother) didnt know why. But they didnt raise a fuss. It was my decision. One that I don't regret. it was the right one for me.
I definitely agree with you on both of these, although I do understand why the stepmom in the first one chose to use a camera to get evidence. I might have done the same if stuck in her situation. A sit down conversation would be ideal, but it doesn't sound like that was an option for her, and she needed a way to stop her food from being ruined. Honestly, the whole family needs to seek family therapy together (or maybe just the stepmom and daughter could do so, with the spouse/father occasionally attending). Whether or not that's an optoin for them, the stepmom was definitely NTA for refusing to make a second cake after the girl intentionally ruined the first one. I hope that family can get some help. Living in a home with that level of dysfunction is never fun.
For the first one i really wonder why the dad didnt believe her.. like do they have a history of her also lying to try and get the kid in trouble? Is she like secretly emotionally abusive and that's why the kid is acting out? Like yeah, it could be that the kid and dad are just awful but i feel like maybe theres another side to this story.
Too many people are unhappy because they're living their lives to others expectations instead of living the life that will make them happy. Life's too short, do what makes you happy.
Wow, the whole sister wedding one got me.
I was in kind of the same predicament. My sister invited me to her wedding because the family wanted us together. There's some really bad mental health issues that makes sister and I incompatible on many levels. I just didn't go. Family is STILL trying to force me to "just suck it up and make up". I'm $60,000 in debt because I cosigned a loan for her and her son. She told me "you were stupid enough to fall for it, so it's your problem." Needless to say, I do not want any contact with my sister after she make it clear she had no intention of ever paying the loan, or paying me back in any way. A few years ago there was another wedding in the family, and they invited both of us. My sister said she would go, so they uninvited me because they didn't want anything to take away from the wedding. I understand that completely, I didn't want to go anyways. The issue I had was, why invite me in the first place? 🤷
My family also doesn't like that I'm trans as well, so that kinda puts a damper on family gatherings.
One of the things I thought about in this episode was the idea of needs versus wants. You can want something, like your children to get along so that They want to show up to each other's events and want their siblings at their events. But you don't need need everything you want. I want a slice of chocolate cake right now, but there is no circumstance under which I need a slice of chocolate cake. It can be okay to sacrifice your wants for somebody else's needs, it can Also be important in some instances to put the needs of another person over the needs of yourself, usually in cases where you can prioritize and handle the most urgent needs first. But I don't think it is ever reasonable for somebody to put another person's wants over their needs. Honestly several years ago this was such a gigantic breakthrough for me that really let me start asserting healthy boundaries. And I think some folks in these stories could stand to learn this lesson as well.
Love this so much, thanks for sharing! x
"Sometimes as adults we have to do things that we don't want to do" is a phrase that was weaponized against me SO MANY TIMES to force me to be around people who treated me like shit and keep my mouth shut for the sake of "keeping the peace". Being an adult sometimes means doing things we don't want to, yes... as in, going to the bank and filing our taxes, NOT as in swallowing mistreatment to maintain some fucked-up artificial facade like we're dolls in a dollhouse instead of living people who deserve to be treated with respect.
My sister got married right before I turned 17. She’s nearly 6 years older than me. My mom INSISTED on her making me the maid of honor even tho we were never super close. Sis had already told me she wanted me as a bridesmaid and my mom was furious when sis told her she was going to have her best friend since first grade as MOH. We had to sit our mom down together for me to tell her I didn’t WANT to be MOH and that in the future when I got married I didn’t want my sis as my MOH either (but she was a bridesmaid for me as well.) Mom finally chilled out with it. I think whatever the people getting married want is what should matter, screw the family’s opinions.
A good rule for the last story. OP is competent tonmaie their own decisions and is consenting to the potential/actual consequences. That alone is enough to me. But also, people outside the relationship don't get to decide what happens with the people inside the relationship. This is ultimately between the sister and OP, no one else matters, no matter how loudly they are expressing their two cents/desires on the matter.
Setting boundaries with family is so frikking hard. I just had to make my boundaries very clear. They're a need for my health, not a want.
Even setting those boundaries, being clear about my health situation right now, is so so difficult. I'm breaking my parents hearts by being sick, and getting worse. That sucks. Especially when the needs go against not only my family's wants, but my own.
I always used to be a people pleaser, with the mindset that it's better that only I am uncomfortable/hurt/upset, rather than making everyone uncomfortable/hurt/upset. Now I'm sharing, so we're all crying. But at least that might be better in the long run...?
Working hard on not taking responsibility for the feelings of my loved ones, but I've always just *felt* so much, and learned to push that down deep to put others wants above my own. I'm much better at comforting than being comforted. I would work on in therapy it if I wasn't just trying to survive being severely chronically ill. Therapy isn't available, accessible, or disability informed. All my energy needs to go to trying to survive. (And getting my escapes in, like watching a TH-cam video, listening to an audiobook)
sounds like there’s a lot do learning and unlearning happening here, hugs to you! x
"Being selfish is an okay thing to do." It took me far to long to come to terms with that in my life, tbh I don't know that I still have entirely.
it takes time and aunt always linear, but glad it’s on your radar 🥰
always love it when shaaba posts a video
I agreed with you all the way.
I just came here to say, it’s always nice to eat my Monday dinner with you. I like habits and this one is a very good and healthy one !
OMG !!!
EVERYTHING YOU'VE SAID STARTING AROUND 9:50 !!!!
It's almost word to word what I've been saying to my family about my really toxic grandmother.
Like...I'm actually stunned about how accurate and close to what I said that is.
I always found experiences like this to be good sanity checks, all the best with the tricky family situation 🍑💛
@@shaaba Thanks a lot.
I actually cut ties with her this summer just before moving abroad.
It felt great and I strongly recommend it to anyone in a similar situation
Having dealt with people who do horrible little things and then lie about it (and their defenders), in my experience they don't stop until they're confronted with proof that they can't dismiss, destroy, or otherwise get around. The lies and self doubt are the point. They need to know that it isn't their word against yours anymore, because that's their game. Not everyone can be reasoned with without a hard confrontation first. It's really unfortunate that people are defending the daughter, she's not going to grow out of the behavior if she thinks it's okay.
oh Shaaba. you're so..... optimistic. 😂 it really is refreshing.
🖤✊🏾
"Keep the peace" - Who's peace? Certainly not my peace if you're pushing me towards what is obviously going to be a miserable, uncomfortable experience. That's just going to breed further resentment, that will surely erupt eventually and disrupt the false picture of peace that's so desperately being clung to. You can only sweep so much under the rug before the lumps start to show.
For the second story, if I was OP my response to the question "what will people think if you're not coming to your own sister's wedding" would have been that people would probably think that I was treated terribly by the sister both before the wedding announcement and in the invitation and my reasons for not coming were valid.
As someone who is no contact with their family... i "kept the peace" but by keeping the peace i let them make homophobic and transphobic remarks towards meand my relationship and if i spoke up i was belittled and gaslit. So frankly... if you dont want to be around certain family members... you dont have to.
these vids are the best monday pick me up
🥹🍑✨
Hey everyone! For anyone who needs to hear it, you are beautiful, and I am proud of you! Keep being amazing!
For the 2nd story:
I think if the sisters had been in a conflict, but one of them decided to forget about it\invite OP despite it, I think that OP should go. But the sister didn't want to forget about it even for the day of the wedding - she explicitly suggested that she wants to exclude her sister from the wedding even if she show up.
The first situation.... weird. At 17 and having only had this woman in her life since age 14, it's probably not wise to be trying to have a step-parent relationship with her, because she isn't a child, really, anymore, but then she is behaving like one.
Disciplining a 17 year old with punishments seems very inappropriate, because ultimately she can't be controlled physically without doing something abusive.
Seems like 17 year old doesn't want OP around. Suspect they had a conversation with her when OP moved in, but she was probably always unhappy about OP moving in.
As there's no mention of any other "children", it seems likely up until OP moved in, 17 year old was the sole recipient of her dad's attention within the home and she hasn't adjusted to that no longer being the case....
I was that 17 year old once. It didn't end well, although I didn't do childish stuff to the man my mum moved in to what was supposed to be my home without my approval.
Honestly I think it's just an all round bad idea to move a new partner into a house where someone is in their teens, especially without their consent, because they are dealing with a lot of changes physically and psychologically and ultimately in doing that you make them feel even less secure because now they are having to share what they thought was their home with someone they don't know or like particularly, so it's like saying to a kid. "Hey, here's ANOTHER thing you don't have control or a say over, that you'll just have to deal with, and you're going to have to deal with that and all your other insecurities with less support from me than you're used to having because I'm going to be giving most of my attention to this other person from now on."
It doesn't make sense. Have a boyfriend or girlfriend who lives elsewhere, sure. But moving them in? Wait till the kids are 18 or moved out, whichever is first. At least at 18 they can get a place of their own with less difficulty.
Not justifying the 17 yo behaviour, but I do think it's a silly thing to do.
It does seem like a bit of a cry for help really doesn't it. Like she wants to get in trouble with her Dad just to get a bit of attention. It sounds like she's not happy and doesn't really know how to communicate it or perhaps she has been ignored when she has tried to say something so this is her trying to force the issue.
Story 1 - I hear what you are saying and in an ideal world, communicating would work. In step relationships, there are so many emotions, communication, unless long, extended therapeutic it is doubtful to work.
2) NTA and same here. For the longest time I was hardcore into the idea that you need to maintain relationships with parents and siblings no matter what they'd done in the past. That's just stupid and unhealthy if the cost outweighs the benefit. I was lucky. I like my family. Other people are not so lucky and I learned to not only accept but respect that. People who hurt you DO NOT get a free pass because they share some of your DNA. Toxic is toxic and you gotta cut that sh!t out.
The first one - it literally sounds like something out of an Indian soap opera except it would be the mother in law instead of the step daughter...
There was an update to that first one in the original post. I think the OP said that the bio mom had basically put the daughter up to it and pressured her into ruining the food.
In the case of the 2nd AMITA where the family say it would look bad if OP didn't show, is it not worse for her to show then everytime a family photo is taken or they sit together for a portion of the wedding, she's 'absent' isn't that worse in the case of 'looking bad'
Love the prints, but Love Jammie's Dino on the other side of your head. I love the support for his channel it shows ❤❤❤
The 2 of you are so special 💕
I'm an only child and I find it so sad for siblings to have such a big rift between them that they can't even share the best moments together in a civilized way. BUT if the relationship is that bad, just going to an awkward wedding is def not gonna help. NTA just a sad situation :(
Sounds like both families need a lot of counseling. If step mom could not show her anger, it would spike kid’s guns; take up boxing to blow off steam. The sister needs to take care of herself; maybe the fam could do something together after couple leaves on honeymoon.
Regarding the second case and selfishness, I agree with you both that it's okay to be selfish, and that the family were being selfish in an unhelpful way. I think there's a difference between OP's healthy "I am going to do x because it is what's best for me" selfishness, and the family's unhealthy "I am going to tell YOU to do x because it is what's best for me" selfishness. Healthy selfishness is setting boundaries and making decisions about what you are going to do, but when you are trying to dictate someone else's actions, that's when things go wrong.
Every action should be done by minimizing harm, and you are responsible for yourself. You are included in that harm. Option 1, they go the wedding. The sister will be harmed as there is what she would consider a stain on her own wedding day. OP would be spending money and taking their time to go to a wedding they dislike and will be incredibly uncomfortable the whole time. Option 2, they don't go the wedding. The sister is much more relieved she won't have to deal with her sibling, and OP gets to save that money and spend their time how they'd like. The only people being hurt are the family who will likely forget about halfway through the wedding. I doubt there is anyone at that wedding who knows OP exists but doesn't know why they aren't there. Sister's friends likely already know about their bad relationship, sister's acquaintances probably don't know she even has a sister, and the family not only know about their relationship but know it's the reason why OP isn't there. I bet you they will either forget about OP not being there or will spend the entire time talking about it to the point that sister has to call them out for it. I'd argue option 1 is less harmful, but I'd especially argue that OP is responsible for keeping themself happy, and the family is responsible for themselves as well. Considering that the damage caused by either action is pretty equal, OP needs to look out for their own needs, and that means not going. I would say NTA on that second one.
Me and my parents haven't had any contact with my mom's side of the family because they had been treating my mom like crap for years. I wanted to break contact years before but didn't because my mom wanted to keep them in her life. But when she got a serious CVA in 2002 (she was partially paralised and couldn't talk) and they didn't bother to visit her in hospital, that was finally the last straw for my mom. I haven't been in contact with them since 2002 and I'm fine with that. I don't need all that toxicity in my life, neither do my parents. For my mom it was like a weight that was lifted after she cut them off. She was always so stressed before and after seeing them.
I'd just pretend I didn't know the stepdaughter ruined HER OWN birthday cake and let her eat it.
I really needed to hear 9:57, I had a really similar situation really and I've been worrying that I WTA.
I feel like for the first one, reading between the lines, the dad just doesn’t want to parent. He said he needs proof because he didn’t think there was a way to get proof, and that’s why he’s mad. His behaviour is damaging not just for the sake of the woman he’s meant to love but if his daughter is acting like that there’s very clearly some hurt there that needs resolving, and he’s just turning a blind eye. Honestly, maybe she’s doing it to get his attention, if he’s not very present as a parent in her life.
My Monday has started! ❤
I definitely feel like not going to the wedding is the better option then going and not being with the family.
I'm LIVING for the new back drop queen!!
Just jumping in here as a step parent. The advice largely given by professionals is exactly what is going on here - bio parent and step parent discuss issues, then bio parent handles the conversations with the child and the discipline.
This poor stepmother!!! The teen is doing everything she can to drive a wedge between her and her father. Because she is working the system that Dad created.
Dad should trust his wife enough to sit down with his daughter and his new wife and talk out the problems.
I'm in love with y'alls new recording room overall, and the background is gorgeous :)
Re wedding: some people shouldn’t do things just because they want to.
Maybe talk to the bride about that. She initiated the situation.
Your videos lighten up my days❤
The wedding one: What the family fails to see is that there's going to be more talk about why OP is not sitting with the family at the wedding than there would be if OP just didn't show up. From the way I'm understanding it is OP's sister has a huge family table for the family to be at and then other smaller tables for guests and at one of those tables is the "extra guests" which screams "I didn't want these people here, but was forced to invite them for whatever reason". How is that not going to spark some gossip?
For the wedding one: I briefly thought maybe she should be petty and go. :)
But, honestly, with all the family pressure, I would have recommended calling sister and asking if she had been pressured into sending the invite. If so OP could have let her know OP was being pressured to attend. Then they could come to an agreement for OP not to attend, could both tell the family to but out, and maybe even have a bit of a "bonding" moment over telling the family off.
Loving your take on covering this subreddit! Tuning in every time :D
I feel like it would be really fun to have a video where you go through to the comments of your AITA videos. See what your peaches are saying and contributing to these posts and verdicts.
Ooh I love the idea of this! Maybe like a live version? Will keep this in mind, thanks 😊 x
This correlates a bit to my other comment but it also regarding the last AITA. When my dad and his wife got married my dad invited me when we had lunch out. I knew they had sent out invites and I did not expect one so I wasn't hurt by not getting one. However, my dad, as I said, invited me during alunch out just me and him. I asked "does you fiancée want me there". he answered with a sigh and said that no she doesn't, but he wants me there. As I knew she would make a scene about it if I attended on "her special day" I told him that if SHE calls me or even texts me or sends a signed invite I will come, but I will not attend an event where I am not welcome and the brides reactions can't be fully predicted. I mean, can she poison a gluten intolerant persons food with wheat flour, than anything can happen. He signed and said that won't happen, and then I said "I have always just wanted you to be happy, I am not even saying don't marry the b*tch, I have never said anything of that sort, but I can't attend unless properly invited". He understood.
1) Best response is definitely serving the cake with salt in it for the stepdaughter's birthday. Actions -> Consequences 😅
2) I have been that person. I didn't go to my abusive stepsister's wedding. I haven't seen her or her ghoul of a mother since, and it is wonderful. I can breathe again. My self-esteem is growing back slowly after 20 years of being beaten down emotionally, psychologically, and sometimes physically.
Before I bailed I tried to plan what I was going to wear, and I kept having break-downs, because I was trying to find a dress balanced between too ugly and better than stepsister and stepmother, because those were the two outfit-based abuse triggers. They have no idea how to dress for their body types, and always pick something worse than I'm expecting, so it's always been an impossible balance to strike. No matter how hard I tried, I would always get abused for my outfits- and a massive list of other things, including breathing, but the outfits are relevant here.
I did get some small compensation for my suffering when I accidentally saw a picture of her in her wedding dress months after the event, because the photo was sitting out on a relative's table. Her dress was a rumpled and unfitted satin sack, which proved so perfectly both that I was so right to worry about outshining her, and that karma exists, because that was truly the dress she deserved.
The first one had an update, bio mum was pushing the daughter to do it.
👀 noooo! thanks for sharing x
@@shaaba yeah pretty sad, she started crying about the whole thing. Probably could have been avoided or at least fixed earlier if the dad had spoken to her about it when it started.
I definitely would have served the salty cake. But I'd also make a salt free clone of the cake and I'd sit & eat it like there's nothing wrong.
the power behind this visual 😂🙌🏽
1st The real problem is her husband wants her to parent without any authority. 2nd the sister wouldn't act that way if she didn't think that her parents were easy to manipulate into helping force her into a humiliating situation. Be the difficult child for once it may pay dividends in the end.
13:19 The thing about doing things we don't want to do as adults has nothing to do with this situation at all. We do those unwanted things because the NEED to do them is greater than our feelings. i.e. I don't want to go to work but my children need to eat and I have to pay rent. whereas this situation literally has no necessity involved on the part of anyone. Invitations are not mandatory and weddings are not life or death events. Perhaps a better example where this argument from the parents would make sense is if a family member were in the hospital and everyone needed to come together and make the difficult last decisions and OP should be there despite having to interact with the sister because they both have a strong relationship with the other family member in need.
I loved your response to the first story, and 100% agree with your verdict (and the process of getting there)
Always happy to see the nuance in your takes
For the first one, I found the original post and there is an update!
Edit/update: Now a bit after I posted my husband came up and apologized to me. He fears he will lose his kid if he is too strict. He did go and talk to his daughter and parented. It was a long talk and she came out and apologized to me after.
It was long, and broke down to his ex. She took a picture of the cake after and I didn’t think much of it in the video. Well her mom has been hounding her. She found it easier to cause me problem then tell her mom no. He is going to deal with his ex, he asked me to right a list everything I can remember her doing and we will go to a mediator.
For my stepdaughter she is grounded for a month and needs to cook 4 times a week for he family. She took this with grace so I think there is hope and want to give it a try before blowing up the marriage.
… Yeah, if I was on the groom’s side and was told that the bride’s sister is sitting apart from the family and isn’t allowed in any of the family photos, that would raise a lot more questions than her simply not being present.
Agree on the first one. So many AITA posts could be solved with just talking to the person.
Hi Shaaba. I completely agree about both of these takes. The wedding one truck a nerve was me. It’s a timely reminder that it’s ok to do things that others might consider to be ‘making a scene’ to safeguard our comfort and Mental Health. It’s something we all need to remember from time to time. Also, thank you for everything you do with this channel. It gives me so much joy, so I know I’m not the only one who feels this way. Particularly love your takes on AITA. Thank you.
I don't agree with NTA for the first one, I think I have to say ESH. The way the stepmom talks about the daughter is weird to me and idk, it kinda raises red flags. Like calling her an asshole... It just doesn't sit right with me. And I feel like setting up secret cameras in your home, especially for something like this, is a fucked up thing to do. I agree that the dad sucks too, but I think the stepmom might not be giving the whole story
When people use the argument "but you'll make them look bad", it always comes off as victim blame-y to me. Why is the person *exposing* a bad situation labeled as the bad guy, instead of the person *creating* that situation? Like, if you dig a hole for yourself, it's not my darn job to go out of my way and drag you outta there. It would be a kind gesture to do, but I'm in no way obligated and you can't call me an AH for not doing it.
100% agree with the last one. I have a family that’s like that and it makes absolutely no sense to me. My grandparents know I don’t like them and yet my granny tries to force me to act like we get along and every time I see her she constantly brings up how long it’s been since she last saw me. She always asks my mom why I’m not attending things and when she receives a satisfactory response she just keeps asking because she isn’t happy with the response that she heard. At least my grandpa understands that he’s a piece of sh*t lmao he has never once tried to convince me to love him, he even told me as a child that the only reason he has any family left is because of his money and that when I’m older I’ll understand why nobody loves him. And now that I’m older yeah I do and I’d like to stay away from him.
But in terms of the “we all do things we don’t want to do” thing, I am going to attend my brother’s wedding without creating a scene because it’s for my brother and not for them. I just avoid my grandparents as much as possible and play nice when they say hello. The difference is that the event has nothing to do with my grandparents and my brother is much more of a people pleaser than me so he appreciates just keeping the peace so I can do that for one event. He also doesn’t know the reasons I have major issues with my grandparents so he wouldn’t understand why I was asserting bigger boundaries if I did.
While I do think part of being an adult is sometimes working with people who you sometimes clash with (I would say that would mostly pertain to professional relationships), the sister’s wedding isn’t one of them. I personally would’ve maybe gone if I was going to be part of family stuff, but that invite was insulting, and I think not going rather than risking a blowout at the wedding was the mature response.
Wow, if she goes to that wedding and doesn't sit with the rest of the family EVERYONE at the wedding are going to ask her why she isn't sitting with them. If the parents "fix" it that would just make it even more awkward...sigh
For the sabotaging step-daughter, the father really has to do something, or the underlying problem won't be fixed. But if I were stuck in that situation and not willing to get out of it, I would just start serving all the ruined dishes. Don't even blame anyone. "Oh, I don't know what I did wrong, sorry!" Also, the father surely could have made his daughter a cake.
Did we really only get two scenarios this time? No time for a third one?? There's ALWAYS three! My world is crumbling into pieces 😮
For the first one, I understand having boundaries for step parents but taking all parental authority away from the step parent leads to kids disrespecting them because it looks like they're still guests or temporary people in the kids' life. Idk if I'm explaining correctly, but kids have to know that this person is here to stay.
For the second one, I would've just changed the official RSVP to shut everyone up and privately tell sister I'm still not going, don't waste money on me. It's not great but if it gives the sisters peace of mind until the wedding then who cares.
Used the discount code to buy my partner a print for her birthday in November, I’m prepared🤣 Very kind of Desenio !