Me: *Has back pain* My aunt: It's all in your head Me: *Gets diagnosed with tumour on spine* ... Me: *Has bright flashes in vision* My aunt: It's all in your head Me: *Gets diagnosed with multiple sclerosis* ... Me: *Suspects autism as it would explain my whole existance* My aunt: It's all in your head Me: I sense a pattern.
I think masking in general is definitely the result of social pressure. Because as I got older I became more conscious of what people thought of me. And I mask a lot more today, than I did when I was a kid.
I used to DREAD being asked my favorite song, and honestly it still makes me self-conscious. Music feels very personal and vulnerable to me since it evokes strong emotions and I relate it so deeply to my life. Pretending to love a popular song makes me feel less exposed for whatever reason
Same!!!! That’s how I feel when I hide the fact that I still listen to old school 60s/70s and 80s music. I prefer those organic vintage sounds. I have abit of a hard time accepting change when it comes to music.
Ugh, I'm 33 and undiagnosed but everytime I watch these they describe my life in uncanny detail. I can't afford to get diagnosed where I am and it frustrates me so much. I just want the closure.
I'm 29 and same. I also want the closure. But I'm growing to accept that I may never get it and that's okay. So much of the autism diagnosis revolves around evaluating whether or not a child is going to grow up to be productive in capitalist society. As I was always a good student who was productive in school, if a social outcast, there was no incentive to formally evaluate me. By the time it looked like I was struggling, I was a teenage girl, and teenage girls are often slapped with diagnoses like bipolar or borderline with little regard for what their inner worlds actually look like. There are numerous barriers to early access to care (which is inherently unequal) and then social barriers (such as gender and race). A counselor once told me that nobody questions a self-diagnosis of depression. This is true. Why not autism too?
I thought I had depression and a psychiatrist did not believe me. I think it was because I was anti medication, but I don't know if that's too paranoid to think that her personal opinion outweighed her professional opinion. In my opinion, that was depression, since half a year later I was definitely depressed and way worse off. They could have helped me earlier, instead of making me reluctant to ask for help when it got worse. It gets tiring struggling and then professionals not believing. It's so emotionally wrong- you know you have a problem but they disagree with you. They aren't us. We can know if we're not well. I think we self diagnose-rs can help ourselves though. We don't need the professionals if we are patient with ourselves and if we try when we can. I am proud of us who self-diagnose, because it means we realized there's a problem on our own and want to understand it. And it can be empowering after we can figure out part of it alone (regardless of how long that took). I believe in us because of the little success I've had with my mental health. I believe that if you can feel a sense of belonging/connection with the people who have a certain mental illness, then you probably have it. Like if it's more of that gut feeling of knowing this is right. So the closure you want can come from you. Your own opinion can stand alone. We don't HAVE to have an expert agree that we have a problem, even though it would be helpful.
Self-Diagnosis is completely valid. Even The University of Washington (which is considered a hidden ivy-league- school) says that it's rare that a person who thinks they are Autistic end up not being. Google The University of Washington Autism Department and their stance on self-diagnosis. I think you will be very pleased. Also The University is a major leader in the study of Autism.
As an autistic, 27 year-old male I would say that I’ve really mastered masking. I try to ask obligatory questions (how are you?), I read their facial expressions (as well as I know how), and I know most of the figures of speech at this point. However, as I get older, I’m losing the will to mask. And it’s a LOT more draining to mask with all of the pressures of adulthood on your shoulders. I’ve pretty much given up on trying to be accepted at this point. I’ve been blessed with a beautiful, kind wife for 5 years and have a daughter. That to me is all of the acceptance that I truly need. NT’s can just leave me alone and I’ll be happy.
When I was younger I always found group conversations hard because I may have always ‘masked’ one way with one person in the group, but differently with another, so then it became harder to know which ‘persona’ to go with (ie which ‘mask’ to use). Exhausting.
I know I’m autistic but I have a fear of getting diagnosed. I’m a Black woman living in American. I’ve been told what I’m supposed to feel and I even been told that my experiences aren’t real because...blah blah blah. I still don’t feel comfortable within myself because of other people pushing me to do things that make me feel uncomfortable, for lack of a better word.
I’m not even 10 mins into the video at the moment of me typing this and you’re already describing my entire life it’s interesting when you say the girls are better at masking/masking more than boys but I’m 22 year boring regular straight male but my autism traits are quite female when it comes to masking
I developed identity issues and imposter syndrome as an adult as a result of masking for so long in my late teens/early 20s. My childhood I was bullied, ostracized and picked on, didn’t know I had selective mutism, social delays and never had a friend in my youth. Never. So those traumas lead me to mask as an adult. Especially when it was time for me to start college and employment. After being diagnosed with anxiety, major depression and identity issues with BDP, I’m waiting for my ADHD diagnosis at 31 years old. I know I am ADHD for sure...as for Autism I need to speak to a professional because was I DEFINITELY was a veryyy different and quirky child, putting things in color coded categories, picky eater, major sensory issues, obsessions with cartoon characters and illustrations and many social delays struggling to articulate and communicate the “right” way, I don’t really like change etc.the list goes on and on and on...
the sleepovers note just blew my mind omg when we were really young we'd spend them making crafts or baking or playing games, and it was entirely acceptable for me to just be a weird ass kid cause people just thought I was funny and didn't question it so I was safe to do whatever when we were in our early teens it was acceptable to be a huge twilight fangirl so we'd literally watch it repeatedly just to see if we'd memorised the whole script yet but in my older teens they were beyond stressful and awkward cause once we'd finished eating or watching a movie or whatever it was just talking or doing nails and makeup which were all ???? for me, and I usually ended up just sat in the corner trying to be invisible or going downstairs to get snacks or finding their pet to play with soooo I quit going side note - I love your aesthetic choices so much. do you ever have any issues with dressing how you want in public or not? I have a kinda distinctive style preference too but actually going out in public how I want to look is super stressful and feels unsafe cause more people talk to me or look at me and it's a shitty catch 22 like let me dress ridiculous and be invisible to everyone except other queer people thank you xo
Oh my god I think about that all the time! Ever since being in high school I've struggled with things to do with friends cus it mostly is just talking and that stresses me out!! I totally agree, it's easier when their's something else going on because I can comment on it and be weird about it but when no one's doing anything I get bored and panic! lol Also, not really. I usually don't make eye contact with anyone when I'm outside mostly because then they won't say anything to me. But sometimes people do but honestly I enjoy getting ready so much, I'm not gonna let anyone else take one of my few joys away lol. I hope that makes sense??? i guess it's just blind confidence.
@@runawaygerm yes!!!! exactly!!!! the whole panorama has highlighted it more and I've lost a bunch of relationships because I can't handle just talking (one exception to this but her brother is autistic so she can spot when I'm masking and stops me, and I can literally just say I don't want to talk but I'd like to keep the call going so and just silently do our own thing, and she's 100% understanding of it. just shitty she lives on the other side of the planet), but the lockdown just shifted to allow outdoor things like tennis here so I'm thinking of going to a tennis thing so I can actually maybe make friends but have the pressure taken off conversation have you seen that new astrology app NUIT to meet people? I want to try it cause although idk if I'll like the algorithm I figure I'm likely to meet more people where we can actually talk about astro. I deleted tumblr a while back but kinda regret it cause of the potential to talk to people about niche topics, I kinda regret stopping gaming for the same reason, but I think discord channels might be a potential substitute so we'll see getting bored and panicking is such a mood sfdgdgsg also omg give me blind confidence damn I love that attitude and I get what you mean about getting ready being so much fun that you won't let it get taken away. your style is so consistently cool in your videos i love that element to your content. I generally just dress up to stay in or I'll wreck the look with something oversized to cover most of it before leaving sfdgsg, my leo rising makes people pay attention but my scorpio sun and 4H stellium says No❤️ to being seen like that or approached/talked to. tbh the masks have made it easier though and it's almost sunny enough for sunglasses so there's that sfsgdfsgs
Shutdown simulator is legit high school. Headphones on, look down, and remain silent protagonist mode until the day is over. I grew up with anxiety so much to a point where i legit had to fake sickness just to get out of a situation and find somewhere quiet back in elementary and jr high. It sucks when you fake yourself so much to a point where everyone is happy except for us. Love the video Shaina! Really great relatable info.
The Dumas story, "The Man in the Iron Mask", that title describes me. For me, masking is less copying neurotypical traits, than rigidly suppressing my autistic traits. It works really well for everyone else, I do nothing that they might find odd or embarrassing, or that would embarrass myself, but it is so exhausting. I enjoyed my work, which was in scientific research, but even so, every day I would have to take time away, sitting on a fire-escape or anywhere there were no people, in order to zone out for 15 or 20 minutes at a time, just to cope. I have never had a melt-down in public, or even in front of my family, but when I allow them to happen they are always violent, always self-directed. I think that we pay a high price for fitting in to the social world as it exists at present.
oh my gooood! This was the exact tactic I took too!! I wish I would've mentioned that because I think that's such a unique way of looking at masking-because it absolutely is. Like-they're gonna laugh at me so why don't I try to join in on the joke? lol
@@runawaygerm yess exactly and omg I can’t believe you replied to my comment I love your videos. It’s makes me so proud to be autistic when I can talk to other autistics 😊
Another form of masking that's big for me is dissociation. Sometimes it isn't appropriate to have a meltdown or a shutdown, so you become completely disconnected from yourself and your environment to cope with the situation. I'm in high school and in my school we have gym every single day. I had the same gym class for three years, and every single time I'd go, I would dissociate because there were these big fluorescent lights in the gym (and I am very sensitive to light) and it was just so LOUD and noisy because there were so many people. I want to cry just thinking about it... I never chose to dissociate/mask, it was just the only way to get through the class. But it was so draining. I used to never skip class because I'm a big rule follower, but I started skipping because of gym. One day, dissociating simply wasn't enough and I shutdown. I kind of froze in the middle of the gym, which I knew was bad because my class is a basketball class (I didn't actually play, I just walked around with a group of people and dribbled a ball), so I could get hit by a ball or something if I wasn't moving. I was able to force myself to go off to the corner and sit on a bench, and I just sat there. My friends came over to me and asked me what was wrong and I could barely speak. I am undiagnosed but I've been doing a lot of research into autism and, looking at my childhood and now, I believe without a doubt that I am autistic. Unfortunately, my psychiatrist keeps pushing generalized anxiety disorder on me even though I know that's not applicable to me, or at least doesn't explain most things about me. Hopefully I will be able to get a diagnosis though. Anyway, thank you for this video. It was very insightful!
Omg, I used to hyperfixate on people and characters so much! After watching a show or movie I'd hyperfixate on a character during that show or movie and I'd end up mimicking their behavior a while after! It's the same when I spent time with a person I hyperfixated on! That thing about wanting to know about culture I heavily relate to. I really liked hearing about what it's like for you to have a shutdown because it reassured that I have shutdowns (I used to think they were anxiety/panic attacks). Also it's interesting to note how the way you were not directly looking at the camera looked completely normal and made me feel comfortable watching this video compared to when someone looks directly at the camera.
I’m almost 31, becoming aware of my, to me, very obvious autism. I’m seeing a professional next week only to confirm what I already know and to have an official diagnosis to receive legal accommodation. I just found your channel and you’re literally my spirit animal and very similar to my younger self. Wish I had an earlier diagnosis. “Costly Coping” is my life on the daily. I did almost everything you described.
@@danceparty4ever Hi. For me, I have had to go to my GP and they have referred me to an autism assessment centre where I'll be tested by experts there. In the UK, there's 2 ways so we either get referred by the doctor (or a psychiatrist/therapist) and it's free, or you can approach an assessment centre privately but it can cost thousands of pounds. I'm not sure if this will help you if you're not from the UK but I'm sure if you google it, there should be some resources available for wherever you're from. Also, I PROMISE you, the way you perceive the world is completely valid - no matter what anyone says. Autistic people tend to be highly emotional so that psychologist is chatting shit lol. I'm so sorry that this has been your experience of approaching someone - it's not your fault. The problem lies with them and their biases and false information. I hope this helps a tiny bit. :)
@@YaGotdamBoi Thank you! I’ve submitted my official assessment and am awaiting results. Depending on that, I will be pushed further in the process. There’s very little support and resources in the US. Validating for sure. Especially when people say I don’t “act” or “look” autistic....and I’ve out smarted most of my therapists over the years.
Oh my goodness when I was in my first year of secondary school I knew I didn’t move my hands “right” and there was this girl in my class and I would obsessively observe her body movements so I could position myself like she did even the way I sat and the way I walked and I’d come home and go straight to sleep during some months when I was sad too I was so exhausted I would sleep all the way through to the next morning it was awful. I’m homeschooled now it got to the point I didn’t know how to be alive anymore
I masked as the artsy quirky girl and it worked really well for me. Unfortunately it made things extremely confusing because I actually do love art and unusual things. Took me forever to sort the real me from the mask
omg, i thought that i was the only one who "copied" their friends....like, i didn't expect anyone to say that could be considered as masking. so i tysm for talking about your experiences with this. i've been diagnosed just this year with autism even though it was suspected when i was a toddler. i'm 17 years old now, and i still have a lot to learn about myself and other autistic people.
Ty, I tap pens during meetings to stem. One time I accidentally threw my pen across the room and then I had to stretch my arms weirdly to make up for it and felt so weird after the fact, "does this person think differently of me? Did they notice? Should I 'come out'? Is 'coming out' a way of just making excuses?" It really is exhausting 😂
i just realize that's what i avoid since i was a kid. one time i was hanging with my friends and for some reason the conversation got to a point where i realize that i was faking being happy and that didn't make no sense, i guess i would still mask but through time i loss the sense of it, nowadays i can't do it at all, i'm the most boring person ever, imagine a mood killer, that's me.
I’ve been on sort of a binge on the internet about autism. I was diagnosed when I was younger and I never really understood myself or what it meant. I always tried to be a different person, latch my identity to a trope or a specific person. I never understood why I did this until I watched your video. You explaining things has helped me more than any consular. When I was younger ( like 10 and under) I was more me which showed my awkwardness. Teachers, peers, and even my parents ridiculed me which made me mask so hard. What was even worse I grew up in a small town so they had little understanding of autism by the time I was 11 they told me my autism was gone I grew out it they told me. Going through these videos and learning about this and realizing my younger self is painful. This is a good first step for accepting myself. Now can try to navigate the world while being myself and do it happily.
Anyone else transform themselves into the “ideal” partner for the person they were dating at the time?? I think when you were talking about hyper focusing on one person it sort of came to me. When I was like 19 (and I thought I was just dealing with anxiety and depression) I dated a DJ. We were both really into raving and EDM music before we met, so we had that in common. Since he was a DJ he was always in scenarios where I felt like I could lose him because he was surrounded by beautiful women always. We hung out everyday but he never wanted to become bf/gf and he was very emotionally distant, made worst by a recent breakup from a long time gf. Well one day he told me his ideal girl was more of an easy going “hippie” chick. This was in the 2000s so the new age movement and festival style was big. Well what do you know all of a sudden I was shopping looking for “hippie” style clothes and braiding my hair so it would be wavy and give off that festival vibe. I liked the style on other people but on me it felt like a costume. I even remembered going over to his house one day (and it makes me cringe thinking about it) but I wore what I thought was my “hippiest” outfit and even put a fake daisy in my wavy hair. Thinking he would be super into the look and fall for me because I had transformed overnight into this easy going hippie girl. Even when I did it it felt fake, but I just kept trying to convince myself that this was who I was and what my style was. Idk if this is normal for teenage girls or something I should have paid closer attention to. It felt like he helped create a imaginary character of who he liked in my brain and I set up these rules on how to dress and act according to the picture I had in my head of his ideal chick.
So far, not knowing anything about autism growing up had me scratching my head as to how I acquired; - Schizophrenia - Borderline Personality Disorder - Bipolar Disorder ...and the psych meds and court ordered rehab which follow cyclical stays in psychwards starting around 25 years old. Sometimes the police would take me to psych ward. One time it felt very criminal; I got driven to a hospital and then "quietly shot with Haldol". They put yellow liquid in my arm with a syringe. I went to sleep, woke up - still with street clothes on. I ran away. I am currently facing a felony harrasment charge because lover thought the quirks were cute at first but then I went super saijin when I was told magic isnt real. Ive been told that I threated to do all kinds of haneous damage even tho - Nothing stolen - Nothing damaged - No one hurt. Just some confused people who think Im criminally insane after watching me react to being invalidated and made fun of for trying to make sense of the stuff I see that I guess most people dont. Dont violate trespass orders no matter how much you love people. If you thought masking in public was hard, YOU BETTER FUCKING LEARN HOW TO MASK IN PRISON. You could end up stabbed or raped if do or say something that gets interpreted wrong. Guards really dont give a fuck about your sensibilities. I wish I knew how to make not going to jail a thing. Sometimes I think that I better kill myself before its too late. I am scared of who I might become to stay alive in prison for the time I have to prospectively go. Ive been spending the time before court practicing self defense and preparing for the inevitable sizing up, intimidation, and potential hazing that occurs in the early days of one's first stint in prison. I wish I saw this video sooner... Im a wood elf, not a criminal. :(
this isnt really about your video and more just a compliment i think - your laugh is so lovely : ) genuinely a joyful experience to hear you laugh. hope this isnt too weird. thanks for sharing
I just had a big meltdown yesterday because of my mom.. And Im 20 years old😬✌🏼 I feel like a child having tantrums.. I shivered afterwards like hell, was so exhausted that I felt like sleeping but my parents dont know of my autism and that made it worse...
I'm so sorry! Don't get so down on yourself in feeling "childish"-it only makes it worse if you judge as I'm sure you know. Ugh I've gotten shivers afterwards too it's super exhausting. I hope you're doing better today-I'm so sorry to hear about this
2:57 You remind me so much of a girl I used to have a crush on. She had Asperger and was also masking something fierce, she didn't have a diagnosis still last time I saw her, but she'd tell me stuff like that, that she'd spent her life trying to copy the behavior of people around her (without understanding it even sometimes) with more or less success. Even weirder is that you look like her in appearance, but also somewhat in style. When I moved away she was getting more comfortable with herself, so there's that. 7:30 Wow... Okay. I was her closest friend of the group and she'd ask me questions a lot about people and why they'd act like this or that. What you're saying actually makes a lot of sense. I really don't think she was trying to mask as me, but she did come to me often for explanations of social behaviors. Probably because she knew I'd answer without judgment? She'd come to group activities with me (until she realized she wasn't handling them well) and, long story short, we ended up together on the board of a non-profit organization as volunteers. Looking back, I don't know why she even accepted as she was very introverted. Maybe she was masking as me? But I feel it'd be very pretentious of me to assume so, as she could have just copied virtually anyone else of that group. Food for thought, though. Especially because if she did mask as me, it's ironic as hell because to this day I still emulate some of _her_ behaviors. 17:08 That struck a cord also, about shutdowns. She'd have meltdowns sometimes, usually she'd run off to have them somewhere private (I remember two instances in particular), or she'd disengage totally from the conversation and when you'd ask her a question, she'd answer "I don't know" with a spaced-out or frustrated look. 27:37 "What's you and what's you masking." Ouuuf. I made her cry once by explaining the behavior of a certain type of people that I described as behaving like "mirrors". It wasn't on purpose, but it struck a cord because _she_ felt like a mirror due to autism and she cried.
I’m a 33yo NICU nurse who’s on mental health leave..... I have ADHD, PTSD, Anxiety, depression, and burnout..... and when I started watching these videos, BAM!! Lightbulb.... then tears.... I had a psychiatrist spend a year convincing me I did NOT have adhd... I was only eventually rediagnosed this year after she died unexpectedly. So naturally I’m afraid to pursue this diagnosis... but I’m my heart, It’s obvious. These videos make me feel so connected and learning about masking and fawning and shut down.... it’s like someone is explaining my life to me finally!!!
My heart goes out to you Kim, truly! That's absolutely horrible to have someone deny what you know is YOUR truth over and over. That is incredibly invalidating. Just know here you are supported and believed!
Ugh I just found your channel, I am 32 and have been self-diagnosed since my mid 20s. You just helped me understand why I would hyper focus and obsess over one person duhh. And in another video you introduced me to the perception study, about telling 2 people certain information, and then the 3rd person comes back in the room and you think they know that information, too. Anyway thanks for sharing your experience and knowledge I’m looking forward to diving into more of your videos, and hopefully sharing my story eventually too! Woo hoo
I'm not stimming, but i had to write or draw some stuff in order to be abme to hear what the teacher was saying. When I started taking an activly part in school I even drew during answering questions. Helped me a lot.
the thing that helped me the most to deal with my quirks and life was starting therapy. I literally decided to go to therapy 'cause I'd basically had a meltdown everytime I couldn't check everything done on my daily (crazy workaholics) routines. I've been on therapy for 5 years now and I'm still learning a lot about myself and who I am for real. this quarantine was essential for me to realize I've been masking my whole life and to discover about my true self (still have meltdowns about this tho). I'm 24 and undiagnosed, but happy with all the things I've overcame till this day.
Congrats on all that growth! That's huge! And I think for a lot of people with autism used the quarantine as a time to heal and I think that's so important. I totally understand having a crazy workaholic routine. I'm never not doing something. In fact, I should probably be relaxing right now but oh well haha.
(firstly ill apologise for my bad english) i just wanna say that i relate so much to you like im autistic too and i love your style and i struggle with finding people similar to me, i dont think i have ever did, so thank you for having this channel haha
Shaina, Thanx for posting more again. I need to get to sleep (it's almost 1:30 am) but am gonna watch this whole upload cuz i'm more than 2/3 through it, but will re-watch later today... & also view the video you made a couple weeks ago and I somehow didn't notice it. [If i continue missing your new vids maybe I will do what I refuse to do on any other channel - turn on "post notifications": bcuz i don't want 2miss anything you're gonna do or show on this channel.] About masking: maybe it's a male v. female thing or an age thing {Edit: ¿an 'Era' thing (1960's, when autism wasn't discussed or even really understood as it is now)? -~ but as a kid I don't think I intentionally masked. Instead I simply tried to fit in best I could and concentrate on the few friendships I did have. Autism wasn't something people discussed, or even knew about back then, & I believed I was just 'weird and/or misunderstood' (Man: also: all the years of useless family therapy! - when we'd get all lovey at the social worker's & pretend NO Problems). Like I've told you before, i had no idea i was on autism spectrum until in my early 60's and found your 21 y.o. self explaining symptoms and situations so incredibly well and coherently to anyone lucky enough to come across Runaway Germ. (By the way i have long thought your moniker self-deprecatory and was angry for you that you seemed to feel need for that.) Again I ramble on so apologize to U & any & all who follow you. Sufficient to say you changed my sense of self and of my history, and I therefore thank and love you so much. Okay - half a hour later and back to the movie 🌝❓❗ Alex in San Jose
I absolutely hated sleepovers as a child. I would inevitably lock myself in the bathroom crying that I wasn't eating spaghetti and watching South Park with my dad. The disruption to routine was huge. I never knew that was, like, a thing. I just thought I really sucked. I did the copying people thing too. Again, I just thought my personality sucked so bad I had to steal someone else's. Honestly, in retrospect, I think I never considered that I might be on the spectrum for so long because I was quick to assume that my relevant traits were just examples of me being a lousy person with a bad personality.
I never would be able to go outside like that. I'd feel watched, and I hate attention. I mean I'm a guy, so what I mean by that is I try my best to just blend in and not stand out at all costs. It looks really great tho. Ur videos are really interesting as well. I'll try taking all my courage together n call the autism center in my town upcoming week. Keep going
that's super sweet! It's mostly from a brand I don't feel comfortable naming because I don't support it anymore :( But the white eyeliner is Suva Beauty. I love the suva beauty liners in the pots.
I like her styles a big lot. She's at the very top of what mesmerize my eyes. And always pleasant listening to what she has to share. An ASD *Gem* that you can't runaway from!
omg yes. this video helped me so much, didnt even realize ive tried to base my entire personality since freshman year off of a fictional john green character lmao also getting called out so often for copying my best friends throughout school. I always thought it was funny how when i describe certain times of my life im like oh thats the year i was obsessed with this person and these things and this band and collected so many of this ect instead of like "milestones"? sleepovers were soooo scary but when i forced myself to go i was almost creepily analyzing everything the other girls did and putting it in my database for how to look and act and things i should buy to fit in. now that im out of school you couldnt pay me to wear jeans or anything tight or scratchy like ewwww i choose comfort all the way. I feel really lucky to have a brother with autism so when i go home i can take off the mask with him although we both try hard to hide it from our parents and other sibling. Heres to rediscovering what I really enjoy and not trying to make everyone else comfortable!
Thank you for posting this, I relate to this SO much! Not to diminish your message about ASD and the need for awareness, but dude what lipstick are you wearing?
Is it possible to get shutdowns where you still can speak in basic ways like saying yes or no but you aren't really engaging in a convo it feels as if you're on autopilot, i suspect i have aspergers but i dont have a diagnoses a lot of signs point to it but i noticed some key differences in shut downs and melt downs compared to people I know with asd (i have adhd, so that could effect it too)
Do you ever dislike being touched or hearing loud noises, do large crouds make you fidgety? I don't like when people say I'm vulnerable and gullible just because I think in a different approach.
I’m pretty sure everyone who’s ever been with me watching a movie with….pretty much ANY romantic storyline hates me bc I can’t stop yelling at how stupid they’re being by not just saying what they mean or trying to pretend they don’t feel some kinda way or whatever 😂
@@runawaygerm tbh, I do this in real life too 🙈😂 although since it’s usually someone I care about at least a little, if they’re telling me about their romantic life, I do try to be slightly more gentle lol
@@Fabala827 Oops means can't do romance in movies not can! And yeah I honestly usually like hearing about my friends because I know and care about them-but when I don't know the person it's like...and???
@@runawaygerm haha I knew what you meant :) and I mean, I do enjoy a well-done romance plot line, if only because I’m fascinated by people’s stories and the psychology behind how their brains work, but key word there being WELL DONE! Like if I’m watching a movie or tv show and I’m thinking to myself, “girl why is nobody in your life talking about x, y, or z trait/pattern that you display!!!” I’m not into it hahaha. I’ve learned a LOT of social norms from observation, but I can’t seem to pick up the ones I don’t see modeled (which I suppose could be true for anyone; if you don’t know what a healthy relationship looks like then you’ll have a really hard time creating one). But my best friend has been soo helpful for me in figuring out things like social “games.” When I was stressing about whether or not my first hangout with someone was a date, my BFF was like “literally just ask if it’s a date.” And now I’m married to that someone, sooo….yay for embracing directness, I guess?! Sorry, this comment kinda got away from me 😅
@@runawaygerm I thought I recognized you! I just discovered your channel, I'm on the journey to getting diagnosed for Autism (after doing research and learning for a few years, I'm self diagnosed but I want a clinical diagnosis too). I'm glad I found your channel, nice to meet you.
The female vs male autism is entirely socially constructed! I am trans and this aspect of autism being so gendered really messed with me for a while until I learned through studies and date that just like EVERYTHING else… that aspect is ALSO entirely made up and only has the power that it does through deep rooted societal conditioning via trends, marketing, social changes, propaganda, traditions, expectations of the genders, etc… The best way to approach this subject especially with just how QUEER autistic ppl can be (lol), is to use the terms AFAB and AMAB and for intersex people, use intersex ofc! Afab means that you were “assigned female at birth” and amab “assigned male at birth”. This doesn’t mean you’re a male and female at heart, it means that by the system we’ve created, doctors have medically determined your gender based on your genitalia alone. Thank you for reading if you did!
Question- are you masking or creating a persona in order to make this video? Recently I have looked at a lot of videos about masking hoping to see people not masking, but I'm not sure I have....
Growing up undiagnosed it's hard to differentiate the two. I don't know if what I'm doing is specifically masking in this video or just my "public persona shaina"
@@runawaygerm When you were like "I can talk all the time about autism and astrology and neurotypical people don't want to hear about that" (not a direct quote), I was like "I want to hear about that!" Lol. Neurotypical person, here, just watched a bunch of your videos. Maybe I will save up for a reading some time. It seems like my chart has a lot of opposites, which is pretty interesting. I always like to learn something about everything and especially about people. I would say all things about people is my special interest, if I have one. :) Take care!
@@laladoodoodoo Aww that's awesome! I'm on tiktok and i post a bunch of free astrology content if you're interested :) @astro-freak. My chart has strong oppositions too! What energies? Mine is cancer-cap opposition. Also some aries-libra opposition too
@@runawaygerm Yes, I can tell you have been able to even make it a business- way cool! Cancer-cap seems like it could be complimentary. Capricorn can get a lot done but would probably never show a video of themselves dancing on the bed without Cancer in the mix. And then what fun would life be...? :P I don't know much about astrology, but I am pisces sun, libra moon, virgo rising. When I've looked at the natal chart, it says, for example, "you are detail-oriented" in one part and then "you need to be more detail-oriented" in another area. Or you are a homebody who never travels...you love adventure and travel; you're a great communicator....you need to work on listening more. Lol. I guess all of it can be true at different times. Or maybe someone who looks at this stuff often would be able to piece together the disparate elements in a way that makes more sense to me.
@@laladoodoodoo Yes, we as people are very hypocritical so it can be confusing when you're looking at one piece at a time. pisces-virgo are opposites so that's why you keep reading contradictory things! You probably have both in your life at different places :)
@@runawaygerm If you're interested, I'm curious to see what you would think of a TH-camr called Kathryn Morgan, she's a ballet dancer who posts ballet lessons and offers online ballet classes. If you're not interested or want nothing to do with ballet, I understand. But I personally think Kathryn Morgan is an example of the right kind of teacher, because she isn't a tyrant and she's able to make ballet fun. BTW I'm also Autistic.
Me: *Has back pain*
My aunt: It's all in your head
Me: *Gets diagnosed with tumour on spine*
...
Me: *Has bright flashes in vision*
My aunt: It's all in your head
Me: *Gets diagnosed with multiple sclerosis*
...
Me: *Suspects autism as it would explain my whole existance*
My aunt: It's all in your head
Me: I sense a pattern.
I think masking in general is definitely the result of social pressure. Because as I got older I became more conscious of what people thought of me. And I mask a lot more today, than I did when I was a kid.
I used to DREAD being asked my favorite song, and honestly it still makes me self-conscious. Music feels very personal and vulnerable to me since it evokes strong emotions and I relate it so deeply to my life. Pretending to love a popular song makes me feel less exposed for whatever reason
Me too. It's a very difficult question to answer, because tastes are always changing. In my case, I have a new favourite song every week.
I love talking about my CURREnt favorites, but it’s hard for me to pick a single favorite anything
Same!!!! That’s how I feel when I hide the fact that I still listen to old school 60s/70s and 80s music. I prefer those organic vintage sounds. I have abit of a hard time accepting change when it comes to music.
Ugh, I'm 33 and undiagnosed but everytime I watch these they describe my life in uncanny detail. I can't afford to get diagnosed where I am and it frustrates me so much. I just want the closure.
I'm 29 and same. I also want the closure. But I'm growing to accept that I may never get it and that's okay. So much of the autism diagnosis revolves around evaluating whether or not a child is going to grow up to be productive in capitalist society. As I was always a good student who was productive in school, if a social outcast, there was no incentive to formally evaluate me. By the time it looked like I was struggling, I was a teenage girl, and teenage girls are often slapped with diagnoses like bipolar or borderline with little regard for what their inner worlds actually look like. There are numerous barriers to early access to care (which is inherently unequal) and then social barriers (such as gender and race).
A counselor once told me that nobody questions a self-diagnosis of depression. This is true. Why not autism too?
I thought I had depression and a psychiatrist did not believe me. I think it was because I was anti medication, but I don't know if that's too paranoid to think that her personal opinion outweighed her professional opinion. In my opinion, that was depression, since half a year later I was definitely depressed and way worse off. They could have helped me earlier, instead of making me reluctant to ask for help when it got worse. It gets tiring struggling and then professionals not believing. It's so emotionally wrong- you know you have a problem but they disagree with you. They aren't us. We can know if we're not well.
I think we self diagnose-rs can help ourselves though. We don't need the professionals if we are patient with ourselves and if we try when we can. I am proud of us who self-diagnose, because it means we realized there's a problem on our own and want to understand it. And it can be empowering after we can figure out part of it alone (regardless of how long that took). I believe in us because of the little success I've had with my mental health.
I believe that if you can feel a sense of belonging/connection with the people who have a certain mental illness, then you probably have it. Like if it's more of that gut feeling of knowing this is right. So the closure you want can come from you. Your own opinion can stand alone. We don't HAVE to have an expert agree that we have a problem, even though it would be helpful.
Self-Diagnosis is completely valid. Even The University of Washington (which is considered a hidden ivy-league- school) says that it's rare that a person who thinks they are Autistic end up not being. Google The University of Washington Autism Department and their stance on self-diagnosis. I think you will be very pleased. Also The University is a major leader in the study of Autism.
As an autistic, 27 year-old male I would say that I’ve really mastered masking. I try to ask obligatory questions (how are you?), I read their facial expressions (as well as I know how), and I know most of the figures of speech at this point. However, as I get older, I’m losing the will to mask. And it’s a LOT more draining to mask with all of the pressures of adulthood on your shoulders. I’ve pretty much given up on trying to be accepted at this point. I’ve been blessed with a beautiful, kind wife for 5 years and have a daughter. That to me is all of the acceptance that I truly need. NT’s can just leave me alone and I’ll be happy.
When I was younger I always found group conversations hard because I may have always ‘masked’ one way with one person in the group, but differently with another, so then it became harder to know which ‘persona’ to go with (ie which ‘mask’ to use). Exhausting.
OMFG you just blew my mind. so true.
Never thought about shutdowns just being meltdowns while masking before,good video.
I know I’m autistic but I have a fear of getting diagnosed. I’m a Black woman living in American. I’ve been told what I’m supposed to feel and I even been told that my experiences aren’t real because...blah blah blah. I still don’t feel comfortable within myself because of other people pushing me to do things that make me feel uncomfortable, for lack of a better word.
I’m not even 10 mins into the video at the moment of me typing this and you’re already describing my entire life it’s interesting when you say the girls are better at masking/masking more than boys but I’m 22 year boring regular straight male but my autism traits are quite female when it comes to masking
Maybe you’re not as boring and regular as you think.
I developed identity issues and imposter syndrome as an adult as a result of masking for so long in my late teens/early 20s. My childhood I was bullied, ostracized and picked on, didn’t know I had selective mutism, social delays and never had a friend in my youth. Never. So those traumas lead me to mask as an adult. Especially when it was time for me to start college and employment. After being diagnosed with anxiety, major depression and identity issues with BDP, I’m waiting for my ADHD diagnosis at 31 years old. I know I am ADHD for sure...as for Autism I need to speak to a professional because was I DEFINITELY was a veryyy different and quirky child, putting things in color coded categories, picky eater, major sensory issues, obsessions with cartoon characters and illustrations and many social delays struggling to articulate and communicate the “right” way, I don’t really like change etc.the list goes on and on and on...
the sleepovers note just blew my mind omg
when we were really young we'd spend them making crafts or baking or playing games, and it was entirely acceptable for me to just be a weird ass kid cause people just thought I was funny and didn't question it so I was safe to do whatever
when we were in our early teens it was acceptable to be a huge twilight fangirl so we'd literally watch it repeatedly just to see if we'd memorised the whole script yet
but in my older teens they were beyond stressful and awkward cause once we'd finished eating or watching a movie or whatever it was just talking or doing nails and makeup which were all ???? for me, and I usually ended up just sat in the corner trying to be invisible or going downstairs to get snacks or finding their pet to play with soooo I quit going
side note - I love your aesthetic choices so much. do you ever have any issues with dressing how you want in public or not? I have a kinda distinctive style preference too but actually going out in public how I want to look is super stressful and feels unsafe cause more people talk to me or look at me and it's a shitty catch 22 like let me dress ridiculous and be invisible to everyone except other queer people thank you xo
Oh my god I think about that all the time! Ever since being in high school I've struggled with things to do with friends cus it mostly is just talking and that stresses me out!! I totally agree, it's easier when their's something else going on because I can comment on it and be weird about it but when no one's doing anything I get bored and panic! lol Also, not really. I usually don't make eye contact with anyone when I'm outside mostly because then they won't say anything to me. But sometimes people do but honestly I enjoy getting ready so much, I'm not gonna let anyone else take one of my few joys away lol. I hope that makes sense??? i guess it's just blind confidence.
@@runawaygerm yes!!!! exactly!!!! the whole panorama has highlighted it more and I've lost a bunch of relationships because I can't handle just talking (one exception to this but her brother is autistic so she can spot when I'm masking and stops me, and I can literally just say I don't want to talk but I'd like to keep the call going so and just silently do our own thing, and she's 100% understanding of it. just shitty she lives on the other side of the planet), but the lockdown just shifted to allow outdoor things like tennis here so I'm thinking of going to a tennis thing so I can actually maybe make friends but have the pressure taken off conversation
have you seen that new astrology app NUIT to meet people? I want to try it cause although idk if I'll like the algorithm I figure I'm likely to meet more people where we can actually talk about astro. I deleted tumblr a while back but kinda regret it cause of the potential to talk to people about niche topics, I kinda regret stopping gaming for the same reason, but I think discord channels might be a potential substitute so we'll see
getting bored and panicking is such a mood sfdgdgsg
also omg give me blind confidence damn I love that attitude and I get what you mean about getting ready being so much fun that you won't let it get taken away. your style is so consistently cool in your videos i love that element to your content. I generally just dress up to stay in or I'll wreck the look with something oversized to cover most of it before leaving sfdgsg, my leo rising makes people pay attention but my scorpio sun and 4H stellium says No❤️ to being seen like that or approached/talked to. tbh the masks have made it easier though and it's almost sunny enough for sunglasses so there's that sfsgdfsgs
Shutdown simulator is legit high school. Headphones on, look down, and remain silent protagonist mode until the day is over.
I grew up with anxiety so much to a point where i legit had to fake sickness just to get out of a situation and find somewhere quiet back in elementary and jr high.
It sucks when you fake yourself so much to a point where everyone is happy except for us.
Love the video Shaina! Really great relatable info.
The Dumas story, "The Man in the Iron Mask", that title describes me. For me, masking is less copying neurotypical traits, than rigidly suppressing my autistic traits. It works really well for everyone else, I do nothing that they might find odd or embarrassing, or that would embarrass myself, but it is so exhausting. I enjoyed my work, which was in scientific research, but even so, every day I would have to take time away, sitting on a fire-escape or anywhere there were no people, in order to zone out for 15 or 20 minutes at a time, just to cope. I have never had a melt-down in public, or even in front of my family, but when I allow them to happen they are always violent, always self-directed. I think that we pay a high price for fitting in to the social world as it exists at present.
I would try to be overly weird sometimes so when people laughed it was at something I wanted them to laugh at
oh my gooood! This was the exact tactic I took too!! I wish I would've mentioned that because I think that's such a unique way of looking at masking-because it absolutely is. Like-they're gonna laugh at me so why don't I try to join in on the joke? lol
@@runawaygerm yess exactly and omg I can’t believe you replied to my comment I love your videos. It’s makes me so proud to be autistic when I can talk to other autistics 😊
@@saphiree.7903 Me too!! Sending so much love!
i like that you move your hands a lot when speaking because it keeps me focused on what you’re saying
Another form of masking that's big for me is dissociation. Sometimes it isn't appropriate to have a meltdown or a shutdown, so you become completely disconnected from yourself and your environment to cope with the situation.
I'm in high school and in my school we have gym every single day. I had the same gym class for three years, and every single time I'd go, I would dissociate because there were these big fluorescent lights in the gym (and I am very sensitive to light) and it was just so LOUD and noisy because there were so many people. I want to cry just thinking about it... I never chose to dissociate/mask, it was just the only way to get through the class. But it was so draining. I used to never skip class because I'm a big rule follower, but I started skipping because of gym.
One day, dissociating simply wasn't enough and I shutdown. I kind of froze in the middle of the gym, which I knew was bad because my class is a basketball class (I didn't actually play, I just walked around with a group of people and dribbled a ball), so I could get hit by a ball or something if I wasn't moving. I was able to force myself to go off to the corner and sit on a bench, and I just sat there. My friends came over to me and asked me what was wrong and I could barely speak.
I am undiagnosed but I've been doing a lot of research into autism and, looking at my childhood and now, I believe without a doubt that I am autistic. Unfortunately, my psychiatrist keeps pushing generalized anxiety disorder on me even though I know that's not applicable to me, or at least doesn't explain most things about me. Hopefully I will be able to get a diagnosis though.
Anyway, thank you for this video. It was very insightful!
Omg, I used to hyperfixate on people and characters so much! After watching a show or movie I'd hyperfixate on a character during that show or movie and I'd end up mimicking their behavior a while after! It's the same when I spent time with a person I hyperfixated on! That thing about wanting to know about culture I heavily relate to.
I really liked hearing about what it's like for you to have a shutdown because it reassured that I have shutdowns (I used to think they were anxiety/panic attacks).
Also it's interesting to note how the way you were not directly looking at the camera looked completely normal and made me feel comfortable watching this video compared to when someone looks directly at the camera.
I’m almost 31, becoming aware of my, to me, very obvious autism. I’m seeing a professional next week only to confirm what I already know and to have an official diagnosis to receive legal accommodation. I just found your channel and you’re literally my spirit animal and very similar to my younger self. Wish I had an earlier diagnosis. “Costly Coping” is my life on the daily. I did almost everything you described.
I just got my official diagnosis (I’m 24), it’s truly validating. I really hope it goes well for you!! You deserve validation! 💕
@@danceparty4ever Hi. For me, I have had to go to my GP and they have referred me to an autism assessment centre where I'll be tested by experts there. In the UK, there's 2 ways so we either get referred by the doctor (or a psychiatrist/therapist) and it's free, or you can approach an assessment centre privately but it can cost thousands of pounds. I'm not sure if this will help you if you're not from the UK but I'm sure if you google it, there should be some resources available for wherever you're from.
Also, I PROMISE you, the way you perceive the world is completely valid - no matter what anyone says. Autistic people tend to be highly emotional so that psychologist is chatting shit lol. I'm so sorry that this has been your experience of approaching someone - it's not your fault. The problem lies with them and their biases and false information. I hope this helps a tiny bit. :)
@@YaGotdamBoi Thank you! I’ve submitted my official assessment and am awaiting results. Depending on that, I will be pushed further in the process. There’s very little support and resources in the US. Validating for sure. Especially when people say I don’t “act” or “look” autistic....and I’ve out smarted most of my therapists over the years.
Oh my goodness when I was in my first year of secondary school I knew I didn’t move my hands “right” and there was this girl in my class and I would obsessively observe her body movements so I could position myself like she did even the way I sat and the way I walked and I’d come home and go straight to sleep during some months when I was sad too I was so exhausted I would sleep all the way through to the next morning it was awful. I’m homeschooled now it got to the point I didn’t know how to be alive anymore
I masked as the artsy quirky girl and it worked really well for me. Unfortunately it made things extremely confusing because I actually do love art and unusual things. Took me forever to sort the real me from the mask
omg, i thought that i was the only one who "copied" their friends....like, i didn't expect anyone to say that could be considered as masking. so i tysm for talking about your experiences with this.
i've been diagnosed just this year with autism even though it was suspected when i was a toddler. i'm 17 years old now, and i still have a lot to learn about myself and other autistic people.
Ty, I tap pens during meetings to stem. One time I accidentally threw my pen across the room and then I had to stretch my arms weirdly to make up for it and felt so weird after the fact, "does this person think differently of me? Did they notice? Should I 'come out'? Is 'coming out' a way of just making excuses?" It really is exhausting 😂
i just realize that's what i avoid since i was a kid.
one time i was hanging with my friends and for some reason the conversation got to a point where i realize that i was faking being happy and that didn't make no sense, i guess i would still mask but through time i loss the sense of it, nowadays i can't do it at all, i'm the most boring person ever, imagine a mood killer, that's me.
I was fine with sleepovers - but only at my house! I felt weird and it was like work sleeping at someone elses place
I’ve been on sort of a binge on the internet about autism. I was diagnosed when I was younger and I never really understood myself or what it meant. I always tried to be a different person, latch my identity to a trope or a specific person. I never understood why I did this until I watched your video. You explaining things has helped me more than any consular. When I was younger ( like 10 and under) I was more me which showed my awkwardness. Teachers, peers, and even my parents ridiculed me which made me mask so hard. What was even worse I grew up in a small town so they had little understanding of autism by the time I was 11 they told me my autism was gone I grew out it they told me. Going through these videos and learning about this and realizing my younger self is painful. This is a good first step for accepting myself. Now can try to navigate the world while being myself and do it happily.
THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK UOU can’t express how much your videos connect with me. exactly what i’ve been thinking about lately
Anyone else transform themselves into the “ideal” partner for the person they were dating at the time??
I think when you were talking about hyper focusing on one person it sort of came to me.
When I was like 19 (and I thought I was just dealing with anxiety and depression) I dated a DJ. We were both really into raving and EDM music before we met, so we had that in common. Since he was a DJ he was always in scenarios where I felt like I could lose him because he was surrounded by beautiful women always. We hung out everyday but he never wanted to become bf/gf and he was very emotionally distant, made worst by a recent breakup from a long time gf.
Well one day he told me his ideal girl was more of an easy going “hippie” chick. This was in the 2000s so the new age movement and festival style was big. Well what do you know all of a sudden I was shopping looking for “hippie” style clothes and braiding my hair so it would be wavy and give off that festival vibe. I liked the style on other people but on me it felt like a costume. I even remembered going over to his house one day (and it makes me cringe thinking about it) but I wore what I thought was my “hippiest” outfit and even put a fake daisy in my wavy hair. Thinking he would be super into the look and fall for me because I had transformed overnight into this easy going hippie girl. Even when I did it it felt fake, but I just kept trying to convince myself that this was who I was and what my style was. Idk if this is normal for teenage girls or something I should have paid closer attention to.
It felt like he helped create a imaginary character of who he liked in my brain and I set up these rules on how to dress and act according to the picture I had in my head of his ideal chick.
So far, not knowing anything about autism growing up had me scratching my head as to how I acquired;
- Schizophrenia
- Borderline Personality Disorder
- Bipolar Disorder
...and the psych meds and court ordered rehab which follow cyclical stays in psychwards starting around 25 years old.
Sometimes the police would take me to psych ward. One time it felt very criminal; I got driven to a hospital and then "quietly shot with Haldol". They put yellow liquid in my arm with a syringe. I went to sleep, woke up - still with street clothes on.
I ran away.
I am currently facing a felony harrasment charge because lover thought the quirks were cute at first but then I went super saijin when I was told magic isnt real.
Ive been told that I threated to do all kinds of haneous damage even tho
- Nothing stolen
- Nothing damaged
- No one hurt.
Just some confused people who think Im criminally insane after watching me react to being invalidated and made fun of for trying to make sense of the stuff I see that I guess most people dont.
Dont violate trespass orders no matter how much you love people.
If you thought masking in public was hard, YOU BETTER FUCKING LEARN HOW TO MASK IN PRISON.
You could end up stabbed or raped if do or say something that gets interpreted wrong. Guards really dont give a fuck about your sensibilities.
I wish I knew how to make not going to jail a thing.
Sometimes I think that I better kill myself before its too late. I am scared of who I might become to stay alive in prison for the time I have to prospectively go.
Ive been spending the time before court practicing self defense and preparing for the inevitable sizing up, intimidation, and potential hazing that occurs in the early days of one's first stint in prison.
I wish I saw this video sooner...
Im a wood elf, not a criminal.
:(
this isnt really about your video and more just a compliment i think - your laugh is so lovely : ) genuinely a joyful experience to hear you laugh. hope this isnt too weird. thanks for sharing
I just had a big meltdown yesterday because of my mom.. And Im 20 years old😬✌🏼 I feel like a child having tantrums.. I shivered afterwards like hell, was so exhausted that I felt like sleeping but my parents dont know of my autism and that made it worse...
I'm so sorry! Don't get so down on yourself in feeling "childish"-it only makes it worse if you judge as I'm sure you know. Ugh I've gotten shivers afterwards too it's super exhausting. I hope you're doing better today-I'm so sorry to hear about this
2:57 You remind me so much of a girl I used to have a crush on. She had Asperger and was also masking something fierce, she didn't have a diagnosis still last time I saw her, but she'd tell me stuff like that, that she'd spent her life trying to copy the behavior of people around her (without understanding it even sometimes) with more or less success. Even weirder is that you look like her in appearance, but also somewhat in style. When I moved away she was getting more comfortable with herself, so there's that.
7:30 Wow... Okay. I was her closest friend of the group and she'd ask me questions a lot about people and why they'd act like this or that. What you're saying actually makes a lot of sense. I really don't think she was trying to mask as me, but she did come to me often for explanations of social behaviors. Probably because she knew I'd answer without judgment? She'd come to group activities with me (until she realized she wasn't handling them well) and, long story short, we ended up together on the board of a non-profit organization as volunteers. Looking back, I don't know why she even accepted as she was very introverted. Maybe she was masking as me? But I feel it'd be very pretentious of me to assume so, as she could have just copied virtually anyone else of that group. Food for thought, though. Especially because if she did mask as me, it's ironic as hell because to this day I still emulate some of _her_ behaviors.
17:08 That struck a cord also, about shutdowns. She'd have meltdowns sometimes, usually she'd run off to have them somewhere private (I remember two instances in particular), or she'd disengage totally from the conversation and when you'd ask her a question, she'd answer "I don't know" with a spaced-out or frustrated look.
27:37 "What's you and what's you masking." Ouuuf. I made her cry once by explaining the behavior of a certain type of people that I described as behaving like "mirrors". It wasn't on purpose, but it struck a cord because _she_ felt like a mirror due to autism and she cried.
I’m a 33yo NICU nurse who’s on mental health leave..... I have ADHD, PTSD, Anxiety, depression, and burnout..... and when I started watching these videos, BAM!! Lightbulb.... then tears....
I had a psychiatrist spend a year convincing me I did NOT have adhd... I was only eventually rediagnosed this year after she died unexpectedly.
So naturally I’m afraid to pursue this diagnosis... but I’m my heart, It’s obvious. These videos make me feel so connected and learning about masking and fawning and shut down.... it’s like someone is explaining my life to me finally!!!
My heart goes out to you Kim, truly! That's absolutely horrible to have someone deny what you know is YOUR truth over and over. That is incredibly invalidating. Just know here you are supported and believed!
@@runawaygerm
Ugh I just found your channel, I am 32 and have been self-diagnosed since my mid 20s. You just helped me understand why I would hyper focus and obsess over one person duhh. And in another video you introduced me to the perception study, about telling 2 people certain information, and then the 3rd person comes back in the room and you think they know that information, too. Anyway thanks for sharing your experience and knowledge I’m looking forward to diving into more of your videos, and hopefully sharing my story eventually too! Woo hoo
Hello! I still think about that study all the time and how relevant it is!!
I'm not stimming, but i had to write or draw some stuff in order to be abme to hear what the teacher was saying. When I started taking an activly part in school I even drew during answering questions. Helped me a lot.
the thing that helped me the most to deal with my quirks and life was starting therapy. I literally decided to go to therapy 'cause I'd basically had a meltdown everytime I couldn't check everything done on my daily (crazy workaholics) routines. I've been on therapy for 5 years now and I'm still learning a lot about myself and who I am for real. this quarantine was essential for me to realize I've been masking my whole life and to discover about my true self (still have meltdowns about this tho). I'm 24 and undiagnosed, but happy with all the things I've overcame till this day.
Congrats on all that growth! That's huge! And I think for a lot of people with autism used the quarantine as a time to heal and I think that's so important. I totally understand having a crazy workaholic routine. I'm never not doing something. In fact, I should probably be relaxing right now but oh well haha.
Hyperfixation on a person and acting like that person is sooooooo real
I always do that unfortunately so I feel you
AHHHH i love the white eyeliner
aw thank you so much!
(firstly ill apologise for my bad english) i just wanna say that i relate so much to you like im autistic too and i love your style and i struggle with finding people similar to me, i dont think i have ever did, so thank you for having this channel haha
I’m SO happy I found your channel!!!!!
spectrum sisters unite!!!!!⚡☠ 🔥
Aww!
omg I love this😂☺️
Shaina, Thanx for posting more again. I need to get to sleep (it's almost 1:30 am) but am gonna watch this whole upload cuz i'm more than 2/3 through it, but will re-watch later today... & also view the video you made a couple weeks ago and I somehow didn't notice it. [If i continue missing your new vids maybe I will do what I refuse to do on any other channel - turn on "post notifications": bcuz i don't want 2miss anything you're gonna do or show on this channel.]
About masking: maybe it's a male v. female thing or an age thing {Edit: ¿an 'Era' thing (1960's, when autism wasn't discussed or even really understood as it is now)? -~ but as a kid I don't think I intentionally masked. Instead I simply tried to fit in best I could and concentrate on the few friendships I did have. Autism wasn't something people discussed, or even knew about back then, & I believed I was just 'weird and/or misunderstood' (Man: also: all the years of useless family therapy! - when we'd get all lovey at the social worker's & pretend NO Problems).
Like I've told you before, i had no idea i was on autism spectrum until in my early 60's and found your 21 y.o. self explaining symptoms and situations so incredibly well and coherently to anyone lucky enough to come across Runaway Germ. (By the way i have long thought your moniker self-deprecatory and was angry for you that you seemed to feel need for that.)
Again I ramble on so apologize to U & any & all who follow you. Sufficient to say you changed my sense of self and of my history, and I therefore thank and love you so much.
Okay - half a hour later and back to the movie 🌝❓❗
Alex in San Jose
Wow I have adhd and I can totally relate to some of the masking stuff u were saying and I haven’t even notice it before. Thx for sharing
omg i just found your channel yesterday and was thinking “dang no video on shutdown’s has been uploaded yet :/“
and then this happened haha
you manifested it! haha
I absolutely hated sleepovers as a child. I would inevitably lock myself in the bathroom crying that I wasn't eating spaghetti and watching South Park with my dad. The disruption to routine was huge. I never knew that was, like, a thing. I just thought I really sucked. I did the copying people thing too. Again, I just thought my personality sucked so bad I had to steal someone else's. Honestly, in retrospect, I think I never considered that I might be on the spectrum for so long because I was quick to assume that my relevant traits were just examples of me being a lousy person with a bad personality.
I found my thought process to be similar! Like i just sucked and didn't think anything past that much.
I went to a sleep over once but they had to call my parents because I felt like the kids were making fun of me
NTs can mask just as much as we do, but they don't have the constant stimulation that needs to be consciously translated.
I never would be able to go outside like that. I'd feel watched, and I hate attention. I mean I'm a guy, so what I mean by that is I try my best to just blend in and not stand out at all costs. It looks really great tho. Ur videos are really interesting as well. I'll try taking all my courage together n call the autism center in my town upcoming week. Keep going
What eyeshadow pallete are you wearing? You should do a tutorial for this look
that's super sweet! It's mostly from a brand I don't feel comfortable naming because I don't support it anymore :( But the white eyeliner is Suva Beauty. I love the suva beauty liners in the pots.
I like her styles a big lot. She's at the very top of what mesmerize my eyes. And always pleasant listening to what she has to share.
An ASD *Gem* that you can't runaway from!
You are very cute! Colors and everything matches :)
haha i match my background more often than i mean to
Thank you thank you thank you
Great video!😁
You look gorgeous today
thx!
i self harmed by cutting to not have obvious meltdowns when i was younger
omg yes. this video helped me so much, didnt even realize ive tried to base my entire personality since freshman year off of a fictional john green character lmao also getting called out so often for copying my best friends throughout school. I always thought it was funny how when i describe certain times of my life im like oh thats the year i was obsessed with this person and these things and this band and collected so many of this ect instead of like "milestones"? sleepovers were soooo scary but when i forced myself to go i was almost creepily analyzing everything the other girls did and putting it in my database for how to look and act and things i should buy to fit in. now that im out of school you couldnt pay me to wear jeans or anything tight or scratchy like ewwww i choose comfort all the way. I feel really lucky to have a brother with autism so when i go home i can take off the mask with him although we both try hard to hide it from our parents and other sibling. Heres to rediscovering what I really enjoy and not trying to make everyone else comfortable!
What are your thoughts on people with autism using other people with autism as the person they are trying to mimic?
Mask-ception I guess haha
Thank you for posting this, I relate to this SO much! Not to diminish your message about ASD and the need for awareness, but dude what lipstick are you wearing?
haha aw you're so fine!! I'm pretty sure it's a kvd liquid lipstick but I got it so long ago I think it's discontinued!
@@runawaygerm Haha ty!
Your videos basically describe my whole life. All of my ex's are exactly like u
I like your makeup
7:33 holy shiiiit i'm realizing things about myself
yay another runaway germ video
:)
Does anyone else have social anxiety to the point where you can't even function to talk to people?
wait!! weren't u the one on the jubilee vid? no wonder u look so familiar :)
yes i am!
Is it possible to get shutdowns where you still can speak in basic ways like saying yes or no but you aren't really engaging in a convo it feels as if you're on autopilot, i suspect i have aspergers but i dont have a diagnoses a lot of signs point to it but i noticed some key differences in shut downs and melt downs compared to people I know with asd (i have adhd, so that could effect it too)
Yes absolutely!!!
love your look ❤
Do you ever dislike being touched or hearing loud noises, do large crouds make you fidgety? I don't like when people say I'm vulnerable and gullible just because I think in a different approach.
Not too sensitive to being touched, but am incredibly sensitive to loud noises (!!) omg so sensitive. And I can't handle large crowds-like at all.
I’m pretty sure everyone who’s ever been with me watching a movie with….pretty much ANY romantic storyline hates me bc I can’t stop yelling at how stupid they’re being by not just saying what they mean or trying to pretend they don’t feel some kinda way or whatever 😂
totally relate! can do romance in movies lol
@@runawaygerm tbh, I do this in real life too 🙈😂 although since it’s usually someone I care about at least a little, if they’re telling me about their romantic life, I do try to be slightly more gentle lol
@@Fabala827 Oops means can't do romance in movies not can! And yeah I honestly usually like hearing about my friends because I know and care about them-but when I don't know the person it's like...and???
@@runawaygerm haha I knew what you meant :) and I mean, I do enjoy a well-done romance plot line, if only because I’m fascinated by people’s stories and the psychology behind how their brains work, but key word there being WELL DONE! Like if I’m watching a movie or tv show and I’m thinking to myself, “girl why is nobody in your life talking about x, y, or z trait/pattern that you display!!!” I’m not into it hahaha. I’ve learned a LOT of social norms from observation, but I can’t seem to pick up the ones I don’t see modeled (which I suppose could be true for anyone; if you don’t know what a healthy relationship looks like then you’ll have a really hard time creating one). But my best friend has been soo helpful for me in figuring out things like social “games.” When I was stressing about whether or not my first hangout with someone was a date, my BFF was like “literally just ask if it’s a date.” And now I’m married to that someone, sooo….yay for embracing directness, I guess?! Sorry, this comment kinda got away from me 😅
Hi, I'm sorry if you've already answered this, but were you in that Jubilee video about, "do all autistic people think the same?"
yes i was!
@@runawaygerm I thought I recognized you!
I just discovered your channel, I'm on the journey to getting diagnosed for Autism (after doing research and learning for a few years, I'm self diagnosed but I want a clinical diagnosis too).
I'm glad I found your channel, nice to meet you.
The female vs male autism is entirely socially constructed! I am trans and this aspect of autism being so gendered really messed with me for a while until I learned through studies and date that just like EVERYTHING else… that aspect is ALSO entirely made up and only has the power that it does through deep rooted societal conditioning via trends, marketing, social changes, propaganda, traditions, expectations of the genders, etc…
The best way to approach this subject especially with just how QUEER autistic ppl can be (lol), is to use the terms AFAB and AMAB and for intersex people, use intersex ofc! Afab means that you were “assigned female at birth” and amab “assigned male at birth”. This doesn’t mean you’re a male and female at heart, it means that by the system we’ve created, doctors have medically determined your gender based on your genitalia alone.
Thank you for reading if you did!
Question- are you masking or creating a persona in order to make this video? Recently I have looked at a lot of videos about masking hoping to see people not masking, but I'm not sure I have....
Growing up undiagnosed it's hard to differentiate the two. I don't know if what I'm doing is specifically masking in this video or just my "public persona shaina"
@@runawaygerm When you were like "I can talk all the time about autism and astrology and neurotypical people don't want to hear about that" (not a direct quote), I was like "I want to hear about that!" Lol. Neurotypical person, here, just watched a bunch of your videos. Maybe I will save up for a reading some time. It seems like my chart has a lot of opposites, which is pretty interesting. I always like to learn something about everything and especially about people. I would say all things about people is my special interest, if I have one. :) Take care!
@@laladoodoodoo Aww that's awesome! I'm on tiktok and i post a bunch of free astrology content if you're interested :) @astro-freak. My chart has strong oppositions too! What energies? Mine is cancer-cap opposition. Also some aries-libra opposition too
@@runawaygerm Yes, I can tell you have been able to even make it a business- way cool! Cancer-cap seems like it could be complimentary. Capricorn can get a lot done but would probably never show a video of themselves dancing on the bed without Cancer in the mix. And then what fun would life be...? :P I don't know much about astrology, but I am pisces sun, libra moon, virgo rising. When I've looked at the natal chart, it says, for example, "you are detail-oriented" in one part and then "you need to be more detail-oriented" in another area. Or you are a homebody who never travels...you love adventure and travel; you're a great communicator....you need to work on listening more. Lol. I guess all of it can be true at different times. Or maybe someone who looks at this stuff often would be able to piece together the disparate elements in a way that makes more sense to me.
@@laladoodoodoo Yes, we as people are very hypocritical so it can be confusing when you're looking at one piece at a time. pisces-virgo are opposites so that's why you keep reading contradictory things! You probably have both in your life at different places :)
Damn. Same.
🧡🧡🧡🧡🧡🧡🧡💙
It sounds like your ballet teacher was the wrong type of teacher for you.
You needed someone who isn't a tyrant and someone who could get you engaged.
haha i've had so many ballet teachers and tbh they're all like that but the one I was referencing was the one i had for the majority of my life
@@runawaygerm which is what I was getting at, having a tyrant teacher in anything makes us not want to learn what they're teaching.
@@Genin99 exactly!
@@runawaygerm If you're interested, I'm curious to see what you would think of a TH-camr called Kathryn Morgan, she's a ballet dancer who posts ballet lessons and offers online ballet classes.
If you're not interested or want nothing to do with ballet, I understand. But I personally think Kathryn Morgan is an example of the right kind of teacher, because she isn't a tyrant and she's able to make ballet fun.
BTW I'm also Autistic.
i like looking at you, i wish i had a girlfriend like you...you seem so fun, and similar to me.