I understand now. The Narcissist is not testing his perceptions against External Reality (reality testing) to check whether his perceptions are true. Rather, the Narcissist is testing his perceptions against his Internal Fantasy Construct AND rejecting any external reality that doesn’t align with his Internal Fantasy Construct.
actually the way i understand a narcissistic relative i have is that he sees reality as a theatrical play where he is the protegonist (script is he impersonating the perfect human) and the other humans need to play their part. narcissistic rage occours when the other humans (the closest ones in particular) do not conform to the script.. just like real actors might do when performing. Problem is for everyone else that they are assigned a job to be actors playing parts in the narcissist script.. not themselves! Playing yourself as an actor makes you a bad actor and is a selfish act as seen from the narcissist (and they do indeed accuse you to be mad and or selfish)
My mother started screaming once again on the phone after I told her about how her behavior and words have hurt me. Then she hung up as always. Not able or willing to listen at all. And as always, after a couple of days or weeks,she talks like nothing has happened and EVEN tells me that I was disrespectful and that I was screaming to her. I didn't even raise my voice. As always. She really seems to believe what she's saying herself. She still even makes me doubt what actually happened . Completely twists the reality.
@@duaiskosana1360Thank you. Means a lot to hear 🙏 this is what I'm always unsure about. If she really can be unaware, for example after such loud screaming. It's really messing with my head to later hear that it would have been me doing the exact thing she did. She very often, almost always accuses me of the exact thing she does or says about others
@@evka24 🙏I should yes. But she denies things even when there's evidence. Ithought about it immediately afterwards again. I should download an app to be able to , just for my myself. Because it messes with my head
I'm laughing here, I knew I had to come to you to find better vocabulary to explain myself what I'd been dealing with. Happy to know that I had thirty years of relationship with a construct, rather than a person. Something to think about for those who ever want a narcissist back...
Dr. Vaknin, I am thousands of kms far from you, and you don’t know how much good you have done to me through the contents you freely share. I am most grateful.
He's my favorite too, but let's not forget about Danish Bashir and Dr. Ramani, checl out their youtube channels, please. Bashir helped me get rid of mine, after 7 years of doubts.... Good luck!
I secured a Barring Order against my expartner on Monday. It's been a two year battle to gain autonomy and freedom which I couldn't have done without your insight and clarity. Thank you Sam Vaknin.. You're a hero!!
Another gem of a video. 💎 I have wracked my brain trying to understand his lack of understanding what cause and effect is along with other topics covered in this video. Only after being educated by Professor Vaknin, did I finally come to terms with these questions and that brought me peace of mind.
turns out you were mentally healthy - it’s posing these questions that are a sign of sanity. I hope you continue your feed your mind & intellectual curiosity.
”If I disable the introject, I disable the construct as well”, this rings so true. Happens to me about 15 years ago, when I opened up and felt the world for the fist time. My mind has bin extremely quite since. And by the way…. I strongly suspect my dad is a narcissist…
This reminds me of a British classic movie The Loneliness of the Long-distance Runner, in which a motivational teacher tries to create a team of runners at a youth correctional facility. They get so good he puts them into a race and the best one, just about to win, stops before the finishing line with a sardonic grin at his teacher, and allows himself to lose, hands victory to a privileged child. Failure is so comfortable, he cannot allow himself to win, it would destroy him.
Wow Sam. I certainly learnt something from this video today. An indepth lecture even I could follow. I now have even more understanding of how the Narcissist ticks. But silly old me somehow feels a slight sadness.
Yeah like the woman I met, she had all the red flags for a covert or vulnerable narcissist, she gave me her CV to put it on online platforms to apply for her for jobs, as I met her in a hostel in Portugal, I was there a few weeks before starting to working and moving into the shared apartment. This woman said she would be a lawyer and she might be in Brazil, but not fully recognized in Portgual where you have to make a kind of exam if you want to work for big companies or the government, specially the government, well when I googled her name I found like 35 rejections because she never had made that exam but in her CV it was written? Do Narcissists not think that somebody checks this? To me, she told a poor victim story about why she and her 9 year old daughter is living on social support and getting placed in hostels and governmental institutions...she was married 2 once to a very rich guy from Brazil, guess the second one was rich too and they all might have made marriage contracts...its fascinating how her life from pike time 30s went down to her 44 now living homeless and jobless, as I could see the pictures of her on facebook...and fault are only others....but not her drinking more beer than me or smoking weed, as I played a lot with her little daughter that was bored there....she told me later once they needed to help her mother taking shower as she had pissed herself.... she complained about the food even it was free, her little dog pissed inside the hostel and she had to clean it and she made a scene...she took clothes which were there donated for the poor..so I assumed she would be poor...which made her a little angry XD it was funny, I made inside my head a checklist for narcissistic traits or signs and she scored very high. Is it normal for that kind of women to control you during sex, like they give you oral sex but don't want it, to be in full control? The sex was very strange never had that before, it was a staged show from a porn script, that she squirted did not surprise me as she had drunk before 1,5 liter beer alone... The funny thing is she reminded me a lot to my mother, I have a problem with those women with victim stories and so sad lives...but luckily I get better in detecting them....I do not want to end like my father!!! I do not want to be anymore the savior XD I want to be saved XD
Found you from Nels video! I wanted to take the time to thank you on explaining Boarderline in a timeline. Diagnosed 14 years & have searched to find out "Why do I act this way?". You gave me & others more information & understanding in those 2 hours than I have ever gotten. Everything you said was correct to the point it seemed a little earie you could know so much. 😂 You are very blessed at your work. Thank you for soothing me 😂 for 2 hours. In all seriousness, I hope this reaches so many people! Oh and btw you are very handsome, far from ugly ❤️
@@Emmy_555 Sure! TH-cam Channel "Nelstill" title: Richard Grannon and Prof. Sam Vatkin about Fantasy lives of Narcissists and Boarderline. Hope that helps. Highly recommend.
17:46 I’m 39 years old and I think I might be a psychopath….. I don’t hear any voices in my head. It’s just me talking to myself. My constructs are like computer programs that I load up at will. It’s starting to alarm me to think that people are having conversations in their head with other people and it’s normal because I definitely am not doing that. I can’t even comprehend what that might be like, my wife, who is a narcissist tells me she hears my voice in her head, criticizing her mostly. Even though I try my best not to say anything bad about her. In my head It’s just me discussing plans thoughts and reality with myself, consistently trying to avoid a dark emotional cloud, and contain a raging inferno. I have an internal dialogue, but nobody to talk to. After watching your videos I realized that I make myself feel better by achieving goals that I set for myself. It’s just me working through various small and large tasks and goals discussing them with myself as I go.
Excellent balance of information. You explain complex topics beautifully. You teach very well. Please continue to speak to the audience that is intelligent enough to listen. I have many saved videos of yours. Entire playlists. This video going in the "Sam.musts" playlist. I've listened to you for five years. Excellent. I have much commentary and praise to give you, but I'll save that for a separate message as this is video commentary.
Thank you, Professor Vaknin 🥰 I have been your student for nearly two decades and this is still difficult to wrap my head around. Might you consider teaching us about the conflict we feel when an estranged, malignant & physically abusive narcissistic father is dying? I'm the daughter who became the family fixer and scapegoat. This is the second estrangement after his last reconciliation with me ended with devastating financial, character assassination, and triangulation that caused rifts with my nearest and dearest family, including my adult son. Because of you, I gained insight into my own complicity and fairy tale projections. I let go of defending myself and let go of all his minions, including my dearest ones. A few have returned, all remaining neutral, but I've made it clear that my life is none of his business and to continue with me, I expect that boundary to be 100% honored. I understand that they may have a different relationship with him, even though I see his manipulations. Now that his cancer has metastisized, I am being apprised of issues and doing my damnedest to model dignity, respect, and kindness. I am struggling with the tug-of-war in my heart over continuing to maintain my estrangement or to reach out to him. The latter driven by the guilt I might feel if I don't and the guilt I do feel over the absence of my presence for the others who are affected by his dying and medical needs, especially by my son, his grandson, who has stepped up to be his caregiver. He is the only person to do so. My father caused damage to my mother-son bond that is only just recently healing. I could write a dystopian saga over the irreparable harm my father has inflicted on me repeatedly. Yet, here I am, in conflict over the drive to be the loving person ... or feed that sick fantasy delusion that I must be the sacrifice to be considered worthy of their love? Your insights into my psychological defects and best course of action would be a gift to me beyond measure. Please, pull my covers and help me see what I still need to heal and what is the healthiest mindset in this situation. I know that I am not alone in this dilemma and you are the most qualified Doctor of the psyche to delve deep and help us to navigate these situations. I am humbly grateful for you, Sam! Love, Light, and virtual hugs, Pamela ✌️🥰🌞🌹
Dear Prof. thanks so much for clarifying this issue of gender ratio among narcissists. Recently a respected expert on this matter guessed that it may be a 80/20 men/women ratio which, just looking at my personal experience, just knew it couldn't be true.
I believe it someone wants to know who they really are is to look at how they think,what's the reason the person wants to torment another, the real reasons only they will know, do they want everyone to do well,these people when angry at someone talks about screwing someones life up, they are quick to control,or show power over others when they have the chance instead of being humble. I've been an whole before and said things I regret,but ive never wanted to destroy, or hurt another on.purpose, and if I did I quickly feel very bad about being out of line,these people keep doing it because they don't feel bad,matter fact they think of new ways to harm,one of the worst things that torment another is the crazy making tactics, when they purposely torment, and then make the target believe they are doing it.
This perhaps explains why my H always says ‘Well, I thought’… when he falsely accuses, rages and basically makes common conversations impossible. He lives in a very different reality and is so deeply invested in it that anything that may disrupt that reality is instantly and forcefully rejected. Meaning those around him
This is why my narc husband is always looking for different ways to self-sabotage. But is there one single way to bring light to the darkness of this mentality ?
Fascinating. 2 people come to mind. My friend who is a brilliant neurologist who's mother drilled into her any thought of her appearance was horrible (and I have to patiently guide her to wear makeup for performances....almost an unachievable task. And my ex husband (the narcissist) who recently completely blew up, thereby sabotaging his recent engagement. He carefully insisted to those close to him that he did nothing wrong; an idea I'm certain ran on repeat in his mind to falsify reality. Quite sad. You're a unique one Sam...as you know. :) Examples help me translate.
this is why i relate to narcissists (i am autistic) we have similar deficits, although they can see clearly what i consider my blindspots, and i can see clearly what lies in their blindspots. can anyone relate?
I can relate to that. I wish someone would make a video about autistic people who end up in a relationship with a narcissist. I think it happened to me not because I am codependent but because my autism blinded me to many red flags.
@@tiffanystout. yes, taken at face value, being naive and trusting, i got duped multiple times. im sorry you experience this as well. being egalitarian and agreeable by nature is being a sitting duck in this world.
@@stillaweezerfan I honestly think I didn't pick up on initial red flags because being on the spectrum made it hard for me to read body language and I get nervous around everyone new so nothing really stuck out. Now that I'm older and more experienced I'm better at judging people and reading body language. One thing I also noticed was I never fell for gaslighting. I think it's also related to being autistic since peer pressure never worked on me either. I think it would be interesting to see a study about when autistic people and narcissists are in relationships and how it affects them both.
@@tiffanystout. The person in my life is clearly high functioning autism spectrum. It is as Mr Vaknin explains in other videos, I had my own need to help or overlook issues until the narcissist was so clearly before me. Today's video helps me understand why the concept of reaching him, altering his perspective is a go-nowhere prospect beaed on my own need. I have been setting up the resources I need to leave for almost a year. I am weeks away from leaving, and leaving with completely peaceful intentions of not continuing to suffer myself or cause the narcissist any more stuffing. It is suffering to the narcissist to be told he needs to comprehend my context, or the context of the social culture I go by. I will disappear, dis-invest, let him go on his journey as the narcissist he is.
Would a covert narcissist, as a result of the above process, actually kind of "provoke" situations in which they seem to fail, in which they believe they are being rejected, that they are the victim? Because that feeling of "I am a victim, a martyr, the world is against me" gives them a feeling of comfort? Attitudes like "there is no point trying because I am alone against everybody else" to reaffirm that construct of failure?
The constructs are like heavy chains that burn every time you try to escape. I believed myself for so long. Self-doubt must be the healthiest first step to destroying the construct. But it seems the only way to destroy (or maybe run away from) the construct is to tolerate the pain - maybe recognise good pain and bad pain. Is there some island in all that pain where someone who is not accustomed to good choices and healthy life can maintain their sanity? Are we to lose our sanity while losing our construct, and hope we desensitise and even like the foreign feelings? I always thought, the body knows best - the truth feels good. Yes, it does, but not good maybe - comfortable. And the truth is relative to the construct. It is very clear now why people commit suicide as a way to escape.
This totally makes sense . I was always confused by this man to the point I really thought he hears voices his head that act as me buy not me . Because he always wanted me to be this person and would always want me to act a certain way . If i deviate or even don't . Its straight out punishment, he stops calling , no text, no kiss , no touch, nothing .Then I feel very uncomfortable, then beg , apologise in a desperate attempt to make things good again . And if I was unluck , he turns the punishment button hard to the point that I give up cz I don't have a choice but give . And you don't see this cycle until you are already out and you are like this is what was going on . . This is just fucked up for real.
What particularly resonated with me and surprised me was the fear of success. For example, when I bouldered with a group of other people, I often downplayed or reframed personal successes because I was afraid to admit what my level was. If I admitted to a personal success, it would have meant I should show positive emotions or my true self somehow, which I was afraid to ... or that never was there. What do the constructs of healthy people look like? Are they absent, weaker, based on success, less serious, playful? How do I change if what you say applies perfectly to me?
@@samvaknin Thank you for the response. I had already forgotten about the part about coherence of constructs, aligning with the outer world and mental wellbeing. There's a long road ahead of me.
Its the mirror world isn’t it? They exist within the mirror world as children and carbon copies of the people, places, objects and events within it. And it’s their playground, and they are still children. But what we see is a grown adult. Pretending.
@sinsholian I really like how you stated this. When I am interacting with someone who has narcissistic personality disorder, I always wonder if they know they are pretending - because I do. It is such an uncomfortable place to be in, which is why it’s best to go no contact with these individuals. I truly believe they will live happily ever after in the meta verse lol. They have great disdain for reality.
Can one assume that a narcisssist is a psychopath? I was walways wondering. They don't really care about feelings someone might feel, or even the emotional feedback (like guilt? shame?) THEY can receive - this "talent" makes thm bulletproof. Its easy to fuck with people's minds when you don't give a damn, and can easily turn on and off some switches, like its nothing. For them, it doesnt bring any cost, its just a tool. It has to be correlated with psychopathy.
Does this mean that narcissists actually can forget the bad things they do. Does the self interject actually delete or disarm memories that make them look bad etc??
That is why it is always projected an blameshifted. The disorder is shamebased. To fake reality is what he explains an rewrite history to feel more comfortable with themselves in the outside world without guilt
I have observed this. The look on this person's face is really weird! And after denial came anger! Truth is not their "friend". And these persons like to pick on you, when they can an upper hand or matipulate. You feel this in your stomach.
Mr. Vaknin, I may not be so familiar with Freud or with psychology as a whole but .. the introjects being summed as our conscience, isn't this our super-ego ? and the constructs being an intermediary between our conscience and reality, isn't this our ego ? If this is true then if we manage to change certain behavior ( becoming more self aware, changing our environment to a more positive one, knowing more about ourselves and how our brain works etc ) can we change in a way our constructs so that it will eventually affect the self state and the introjects so that we can in a lack of better words become what we want to be ?
I wonder… if we can change elements of construct by being aware of it and confronting it with reality? It seems like the main difference between narcs and „healthy” people is that construct takes charge of everything, and I wonder if we can assume that healthy way of functioning would be confronting and changing construct with reason…?
😵💫 All makes perfect sense. Can you explain how this creates the behavior of the “supplier” when the narcissist triggers cognitive dissonance - as you mentioned “am I being manipulated” or “could I be seeing this wrong?” It seems like there is incongruence in the construct of the neurotypical when dealing with behavior of narcissist.
Is it correct (not sure that's the right word) to examine one's self-states, especially those that generate dissonance and anxiety, in order to bring them into more congruence with actual reality - becoming more comfortable with anxiety and dissonance and breaking through to the truth?
Thank you doctor Vaknin. Can you become a positive introject in the narcassist mind? Can you be that voice that competes with mother’s harsh, sadistic voice? If yes, how? I guess the construct is the problem and you can't change that?
I tried without success for 26 years. Use your powers for good on someone who will actually receive and benefit; or you yourself will end up damaged, sorry to say.
@@saraG100 I wish you the best in your healing journey. I love myself first and protect myself, but I understand that this is a mental illness and am trying not to shun those suffering out of my life. I have strong boundaries, but I am trying to hold a safe space for those loved ones and try to motivate them or just be there even if they can't heal. Much love 💕
@@User2426-g5d I would imagine if you can make them see and accept that their thought pattern is actually hindering them more than helping, they might be open to receive help/guidance. But hard to help someone that doesnt know there is a problem to start with
@@User2426-g5d A long shot maybe, but if you can make them to actually do some work on it, then mantras/affirmations, Hypnosis or 'sigils' is probably probably the best and fastest to get to the sub concious, if you get it into the sub concious you can reprogram your whole life, but any of them can work, just affirmations and mantras will take 30-90 days to seep in, while hypnosis could take one to a few sessions and a sigil could be enough with one time per thought you want to add. And they would have to reject their negative thoughts (everytime they come up until it becomes a habit), reinforce positive thoughts, then guard the mind from unwanted thoughts. So there is a lot of 'will' involved. Lived with a mother with Schizophrenia so I had very destructive thought patterns before, now my mind is pretty much silent.
I had similar thoughts while reading the intro of the divided self by R.D. Laing. Such topics ought to be discussed more in psychology. I would say it’s a shame that they aren’t, but in consideration of the hordes of idiots which currently make up the population studying “soft sciences” in America, it is probably for the best. I reckon they would ruin it. The beauty of actual psychological musings is not in anyway a product of some apparent truth (which their self proclaimed being as scientists has made them hilariously rabid for,) but rather the effort towards truth, i.e. the working in a system which is probably irredeemably complex. The animals which call themselves “soft scientists” have no mind for the exercise of logic, and thus fail to even attempt judgement upon the most restricted, and obvious of etiologies. They confine themselves to largely inductively useless “experiments,” and the drawing of statistics, making sure to only venture outside of this in order to vaguely describe things as contraries to another. It would be fruitful for American society at large if all of our university students were required to engage in a formal study of Aristotle’s organon.
Lol. I'll try the bank !! 😄 Everybody it's selling shared fantasies so, if I want keep the grip into reality, I should try to open up an NLB account. Apparently seems to be a ride into a nightmare but, on the other end, can also be an excellent strategy. Kind of a trolley problem. See I'm quoting the trolley and not the free ride paradox (the mania about the trolley origineted from the automotive industries debate, in the early '10). I would have a lot of funny moments having you as professor once, seriouosly. It's already very scarily hopeless nice with the introjection and the Data introjection in within it's very used to the Borgs
A person that i know has sadistic tendencies (the person has told me that he enjoys hurting others). He is often trying to push my buttons and get me to react but i dont go to his games and i have told him so. He also does "internet trolling" online. However, he is not a narcissist. Rather has sadistic tendencies because he was hurt in the past when he was young (he has told me that after that experience, he changed to be in a way that he is now). He is often exploitative with his anger in messages etc. Later we discuss about the things what led him doin what he did (he doesnt accuse me that time). I wonder, do u know anything about sadistic personality traits? If u do, i would be glad if u made a video in ur channel. This is a topic that i cant find any information, because what i mean, isnt sexually related, which typically is the only information i can find online
Is it possible that a construct could include being drunk/cool. And that construct is certain it has no conscience or continues to drink and be malicious in an attempt to defy the introjected conscience?
If coverts are more likely to develop empathy than the grandiose type, would it be fair to say that narcs are just not trying hard enough... In a mental weight lifting type way... How exactly do we know that there's no helping a narc? ... But I guess.... Is it possible to teach an adult how to read write and speak...
Note: at 39.30 min. you mention your IQ: 190. Mensa will not take your membership since they stop at 166,5. You will have to start your own Mensa group. It's lonely at the top, I can tell. I'm (kind'a) glad I'm just ordinary. 😎🙏🥳
What is the cure for narcissists like Andrew Tate, who was traumatised by his father? And now he’s influencing people with his narcissistic personality in a very bad way
I understand now. The Narcissist is not testing his perceptions against External Reality (reality testing) to check whether his perceptions are true. Rather, the Narcissist is testing his perceptions against his Internal Fantasy Construct AND rejecting any external reality that doesn’t align with his Internal Fantasy Construct.
why did you think that narcs test reality? vaknin repeatedly states these cluster B folks have impaired reality testing.
actually the way i understand a narcissistic relative i have is that he sees reality as a theatrical play where he is the protegonist (script is he impersonating the perfect human) and the other humans need to play their part. narcissistic rage occours when the other humans (the closest ones in particular) do not conform to the script.. just like real actors might do when performing. Problem is for everyone else that they are assigned a job to be actors playing parts in the narcissist script.. not themselves! Playing yourself as an actor makes you a bad actor and is a selfish act as seen from the narcissist (and they do indeed accuse you to be mad and or selfish)
Protagonist.
Solo, I think you nailed it.
I wish SV explained this like you ;D It was way to academic for me. Now I feel like I catched the idea. Cheers!
My mother started screaming once again on the phone after I told her about how her behavior and words have hurt me. Then she hung up as always. Not able or willing to listen at all. And as always, after a couple of days or weeks,she talks like nothing has happened and EVEN tells me that I was disrespectful and that I was screaming to her. I didn't even raise my voice. As always. She really seems to believe what she's saying herself. She still even makes me doubt what actually happened . Completely twists the reality.
I'm sorry this happened to you. That is some shame avoidance defenses, not a lack of awareness.
Record your conversations
@@SHOVEIT thank you, it means a lot
@@duaiskosana1360Thank you. Means a lot to hear 🙏 this is what I'm always unsure about. If she really can be unaware, for example after such loud screaming. It's really messing with my head to later hear that it would have been me doing the exact thing she did. She very often, almost always accuses me of the exact thing she does or says about others
@@evka24 🙏I should yes. But she denies things even when there's evidence. Ithought about it immediately afterwards again. I should download an app to be able to , just for my myself. Because it messes with my head
I'm laughing here, I knew I had to come to you to find better vocabulary to explain myself what I'd been dealing with. Happy to know that I had thirty years of relationship with a construct, rather than a person. Something to think about for those who ever want a narcissist back...
I have a Sam Vaknin introject for sure. I ended my situationship because of one of your videos about people pleasing. 😆
This explains why some people seem hell bent on sabotaging themselves. Thanks Doc. This video is so enlightening.
Dr. Vaknin, I am thousands of kms far from you, and you don’t know how much good you have done to me through the contents you freely share. I am most grateful.
Maria Elena Rodriguez I'm thinking that Dr Vaknin does know though, due to who he is, not to mention his intelligence. 😉
I recall a few lines from the Beatels' NOWHERE MAN - " just sees what he wants to see ...isn't he a bit like you and me' 🤔
With all due respect, I NEED to have you as an introject professor, it's the only thing keeping me away from the narcissist in my close past.
That's Vaknin - always putting the needs of others first!
Yes, has his Prof. Introject uses!
great tutor: I think he knows we know ..he knows !
He's my favorite too, but let's not forget about Danish Bashir and Dr. Ramani, checl out their youtube channels, please. Bashir helped me get rid of mine, after 7 years of doubts.... Good luck!
you can also check out HG Tudor, he gives very very good advice for people ensnared by the narcissist.
You dont though. He's a narcissist.
I secured a Barring Order against my expartner on Monday. It's been a two year battle to gain autonomy and freedom which I couldn't have done without your insight and clarity. Thank you Sam Vaknin.. You're a hero!!
WELCOME 🙏🏾 TO THE OTHER SIDE OF FREEDOM!!
Doc you are off the chain! Thanks for the dedication 😊
Where can I get a "Sam Vaknin Saved My Life " Tshirt
I want one ☝️
28:30 “failure, being a loser” are the exact words I use to describe narcissistic breakdown, or lashing out 😂
Another gem of a video. 💎 I have wracked my brain trying to understand his lack of understanding what cause and effect is along with other topics covered in this video. Only after being educated by Professor Vaknin, did I finally come to terms with these questions and that brought me peace of mind.
turns out you were mentally healthy - it’s posing these questions that are a sign of sanity. I hope you continue your feed your mind & intellectual curiosity.
@@privaesea6046 Absolutely! Thank you for your reply.
Basically, feelings are facts for the narcissist.
No, voices are.
And assumptions...
The ending of this video is gold.
”If I disable the introject, I disable the construct as well”, this rings so true.
Happens to me about 15 years ago, when I opened up and felt the world for the fist time. My mind has bin extremely quite since. And by the way…. I strongly suspect my dad is a narcissist…
This reminds me of a British classic movie The Loneliness of the Long-distance Runner, in which a motivational teacher tries to create a team of runners at a youth correctional facility. They get so good he puts them into a race and the best one, just about to win, stops before the finishing line with a sardonic grin at his teacher, and allows himself to lose, hands victory to a privileged child. Failure is so comfortable, he cannot allow himself to win, it would destroy him.
Very sad
WOW, that is a powerful image.
Omg I did this as a child. Started doing my shoelaces up just before the finishing line so that someone else can win. I didn't like attention
Wonderful review of core principles with new insights. Fantastic as usual Sam.
Thank you so much, Dr. Vaknin❤
Wow Sam. I certainly learnt something from this video today. An indepth lecture even I could follow.
I now have even more understanding of how the Narcissist ticks.
But silly old me somehow feels a slight sadness.
I was able to recognize some processes that also apply to borderline, but please, make a separate video on the subject.
Thank you, Sam.
Yeah like the woman I met, she had all the red flags for a covert or vulnerable narcissist, she gave me her CV to put it on online platforms to apply for her for jobs, as I met her in a hostel in Portugal, I was there a few weeks before starting to working and moving into the shared apartment. This woman said she would be a lawyer and she might be in Brazil, but not fully recognized in Portgual where you have to make a kind of exam if you want to work for big companies or the government, specially the government, well when I googled her name I found like 35 rejections because she never had made that exam but in her CV it was written? Do Narcissists not think that somebody checks this? To me, she told a poor victim story about why she and her 9 year old daughter is living on social support and getting placed in hostels and governmental institutions...she was married 2 once to a very rich guy from Brazil, guess the second one was rich too and they all might have made marriage contracts...its fascinating how her life from pike time 30s went down to her 44 now living homeless and jobless, as I could see the pictures of her on facebook...and fault are only others....but not her drinking more beer than me or smoking weed, as I played a lot with her little daughter that was bored there....she told me later once they needed to help her mother taking shower as she had pissed herself....
she complained about the food even it was free, her little dog pissed inside the hostel and she had to clean it and she made a scene...she took clothes which were there donated for the poor..so I assumed she would be poor...which made her a little angry XD it was funny, I made inside my head a checklist for narcissistic traits or signs and she scored very high.
Is it normal for that kind of women to control you during sex, like they give you oral sex but don't want it, to be in full control? The sex was very strange never had that before, it was a staged show from a porn script, that she squirted did not surprise me as she had drunk before 1,5 liter beer alone...
The funny thing is she reminded me a lot to my mother, I have a problem with those women with victim stories and so sad lives...but luckily I get better in detecting them....I do not want to end like my father!!! I do not want to be anymore the savior XD I want to be saved XD
Found you from Nels video! I wanted to take the time to thank you on explaining Boarderline in a timeline. Diagnosed 14 years & have searched to find out "Why do I act this way?". You gave me & others more information & understanding in those 2 hours than I have ever gotten. Everything you said was correct to the point it seemed a little earie you could know so much. 😂 You are very blessed at your work. Thank you for soothing me 😂 for 2 hours. In all seriousness, I hope this reaches so many people! Oh and btw you are very handsome, far from ugly ❤️
Hi :) can you tell me in wich video I can find this? thank you
@@Emmy_555 Sure! TH-cam Channel "Nelstill" title: Richard Grannon and Prof. Sam Vatkin about Fantasy lives of Narcissists and Boarderline. Hope that helps. Highly recommend.
Thank you 🤗
17:46 I’m 39 years old and I think I might be a psychopath….. I don’t hear any voices in my head. It’s just me talking to myself. My constructs are like computer programs that I load up at will. It’s starting to alarm me to think that people are having conversations in their head with other people and it’s normal because I definitely am not doing that. I can’t even comprehend what that might be like, my wife, who is a narcissist tells me she hears my voice in her head, criticizing her mostly. Even though I try my best not to say anything bad about her. In my head It’s just me discussing plans thoughts and reality with myself, consistently trying to avoid a dark emotional cloud, and contain a raging inferno. I have an internal dialogue, but nobody to talk to. After watching your videos I realized that I make myself feel better by achieving goals that I set for myself. It’s just me working through various small and large tasks and goals discussing them with myself as I go.
Excellent balance of information. You explain complex topics beautifully. You teach very well. Please continue to speak to the audience that is intelligent enough to listen. I have many saved videos of yours. Entire playlists. This video going in the "Sam.musts" playlist. I've listened to you for five years. Excellent.
I have much commentary and praise to give you, but I'll save that for a separate message as this is video commentary.
Love to see you again and ur channel.
This episode is so helpful Thank You Sam our eminent professor Vaknin💖
Thank you, Professor Vaknin 🥰 I have been your student for nearly two decades and this is still difficult to wrap my head around. Might you consider teaching us about the conflict we feel when an estranged, malignant & physically abusive narcissistic father is dying? I'm the daughter who became the family fixer and scapegoat. This is the second estrangement after his last reconciliation with me ended with devastating financial, character assassination, and triangulation that caused rifts with my nearest and dearest family, including my adult son. Because of you, I gained insight into my own complicity and fairy tale projections. I let go of defending myself and let go of all his minions, including my dearest ones. A few have returned, all remaining neutral, but I've made it clear that my life is none of his business and to continue with me, I expect that boundary to be 100% honored. I understand that they may have a different relationship with him, even though I see his manipulations. Now that his cancer has metastisized, I am being apprised of issues and doing my damnedest to model dignity, respect, and kindness. I am struggling with the tug-of-war in my heart over continuing to maintain my estrangement or to reach out to him. The latter driven by the guilt I might feel if I don't and the guilt I do feel over the absence of my presence for the others who are affected by his dying and medical needs, especially by my son, his grandson, who has stepped up to be his caregiver. He is the only person to do so. My father caused damage to my mother-son bond that is only just recently healing. I could write a dystopian saga over the irreparable harm my father has inflicted on me repeatedly. Yet, here I am, in conflict over the drive to be the loving person ... or feed that sick fantasy delusion that I must be the sacrifice to be considered worthy of their love? Your insights into my psychological defects and best course of action would be a gift to me beyond measure. Please, pull my covers and help me see what I still need to heal and what is the healthiest mindset in this situation. I know that I am not alone in this dilemma and you are the most qualified Doctor of the psyche to delve deep and help us to navigate these situations. I am humbly grateful for you, Sam! Love, Light, and virtual hugs, Pamela ✌️🥰🌞🌹
My IQ is not on Mensa level but since you explain so clearly I can relate spot-on to your explanation. 😎. Thank you for giving clarity. 👏🍷
I think it's hard to think when you are basically delusional and projecting all the time.
Dear Prof. thanks so much for clarifying this issue of gender ratio among narcissists. Recently a respected expert on this matter guessed that it may be a 80/20 men/women ratio which, just looking at my personal experience, just knew it couldn't be true.
What an eye-opener. Thank you so much for your service:)
Starting to Start to get it
Fantastic. Excellently Explained. Bravo.
I believe it someone wants to know who they really are is to look at how they think,what's the reason the person wants to torment another, the real reasons only they will know, do they want everyone to do well,these people when angry at someone talks about screwing someones life up, they are quick to control,or show power over others when they have the chance instead of being humble. I've been an whole before and said things I regret,but ive never wanted to destroy, or hurt another on.purpose, and if I did I quickly feel very bad about being out of line,these people keep doing it because they don't feel bad,matter fact they think of new ways to harm,one of the worst things that torment another is the crazy making tactics, when they purposely torment, and then make the target believe they are doing it.
This is DEEP!
Thank you, Sam! This was very interesting and helpful!
Wow! I'll listen to this a few times, thanks
This perhaps explains why my H always says ‘Well, I thought’… when he falsely accuses, rages and basically makes common conversations impossible. He lives in a very different reality and is so deeply invested in it that anything that may disrupt that reality is instantly and forcefully rejected. Meaning those around him
This is why my narc husband is always looking for different ways to self-sabotage.
But is there one single way to bring light to the darkness of this mentality ?
Fascinating. 2 people come to mind. My friend who is a brilliant neurologist who's mother drilled into her any thought of her appearance was horrible (and I have to patiently guide her to wear makeup for performances....almost an unachievable task. And my ex husband (the narcissist) who recently completely blew up, thereby sabotaging his recent engagement. He carefully insisted to those close to him that he did nothing wrong; an idea I'm certain ran on repeat in his mind to falsify reality. Quite sad. You're a unique one Sam...as you know. :) Examples help me translate.
Are you saying the Ex who blew up, was wrong by blowing up?
Brilliant! Please,please tell us how self states, automatic thoughts, constructs and introjects affect people with BPD. Thank you!!
this is why i relate to narcissists (i am autistic) we have similar deficits, although they can see clearly what i consider my blindspots, and i can see clearly what lies in their blindspots. can anyone relate?
I can relate to that. I wish someone would make a video about autistic people who end up in a relationship with a narcissist. I think it happened to me not because I am codependent but because my autism blinded me to many red flags.
I can relate as I am Epileptic and my brain constructs are complex. I'm sure my ex is Autistic
@@tiffanystout. yes, taken at face value, being naive and trusting, i got duped multiple times. im sorry you experience this as well. being egalitarian and agreeable by nature is being a sitting duck in this world.
@@stillaweezerfan I honestly think I didn't pick up on initial red flags because being on the spectrum made it hard for me to read body language and I get nervous around everyone new so nothing really stuck out. Now that I'm older and more experienced I'm better at judging people and reading body language. One thing I also noticed was I never fell for gaslighting. I think it's also related to being autistic since peer pressure never worked on me either. I think it would be interesting to see a study about when autistic people and narcissists are in relationships and how it affects them both.
@@tiffanystout. The person in my life is clearly high functioning autism spectrum. It is as Mr Vaknin explains in other videos, I had my own need to help or overlook issues until the narcissist was so clearly before me. Today's video helps me understand why the concept of reaching him, altering his perspective is a go-nowhere prospect beaed on my own need. I have been setting up the resources I need to leave for almost a year. I am weeks away from leaving, and leaving with completely peaceful intentions of not continuing to suffer myself or cause the narcissist any more stuffing. It is suffering to the narcissist to be told he needs to comprehend my context, or the context of the social culture I go by. I will disappear, dis-invest, let him go on his journey as the narcissist he is.
Would a covert narcissist, as a result of the above process, actually kind of "provoke" situations in which they seem to fail, in which they believe they are being rejected, that they are the victim? Because that feeling of "I am a victim, a martyr, the world is against me" gives them a feeling of comfort? Attitudes like "there is no point trying because I am alone against everybody else" to reaffirm that construct of failure?
Brilliant - just brilliant 🙏
כל כך אוהבת את הסרטונים שלך וההומור ♥️ אתה גורם לי לצחוק מלא וכל פעם שאתה אומר "שושנים..." 🤣🤣🤣🤣
The constructs are like heavy chains that burn every time you try to escape. I believed myself for so long. Self-doubt must be the healthiest first step to destroying the construct. But it seems the only way to destroy (or maybe run away from) the construct is to tolerate the pain - maybe recognise good pain and bad pain. Is there some island in all that pain where someone who is not accustomed to good choices and healthy life can maintain their sanity? Are we to lose our sanity while losing our construct, and hope we desensitise and even like the foreign feelings? I always thought, the body knows best - the truth feels good. Yes, it does, but not good maybe - comfortable. And the truth is relative to the construct. It is very clear now why people commit suicide as a way to escape.
This totally makes sense . I was always confused by this man to the point I really thought he hears voices his head that act as me buy not me . Because he always wanted me to be this person and would always want me to act a certain way . If i deviate or even don't . Its straight out punishment, he stops calling , no text, no kiss , no touch, nothing .Then I feel very uncomfortable, then beg , apologise in a desperate attempt to make things good again . And if I was unluck , he turns the punishment button hard to the point that I give up cz I don't have a choice but give . And you don't see this cycle until you are already out and you are like this is what was going on . . This is just fucked up for real.
Your so funny. Your intros always 🤣🙌🏻
Mind bending
What particularly resonated with me and surprised me was the fear of success. For example, when I bouldered with a group of other people, I often downplayed or reframed personal successes because I was afraid to admit what my level was. If I admitted to a personal success, it would have meant I should show positive emotions or my true self somehow, which I was afraid to ... or that never was there.
What do the constructs of healthy people look like? Are they absent, weaker, based on success, less serious, playful? How do I change if what you say applies perfectly to me?
You ought to re-listen.
@@samvaknin Thank you for the response. I had already forgotten about the part about coherence of constructs, aligning with the outer world and mental wellbeing. There's a long road ahead of me.
Its the mirror world isn’t it?
They exist within the mirror world as children and carbon copies of the people, places, objects and events within it. And it’s their playground, and they are still children.
But what we see is a grown adult. Pretending.
@sinsholian I really like how you stated this. When I am interacting with someone who has narcissistic personality disorder, I always wonder if they know they are pretending - because I do. It is such an uncomfortable place to be in, which is why it’s best to go no contact with these individuals. I truly believe they will live happily ever after in the meta verse lol. They have great disdain for reality.
Can one assume that a narcisssist is a psychopath? I was walways wondering. They don't really care about feelings someone might feel, or even the emotional feedback (like guilt? shame?) THEY can receive - this "talent" makes thm bulletproof. Its easy to fuck with people's minds when you don't give a damn, and can easily turn on and off some switches, like its nothing. For them, it doesnt bring any cost, its just a tool. It has to be correlated with psychopathy.
Covert narcissism is a result of failing to achieve supply? Am I understanding this correctly?
My NPD mother's ring tone is "Resistance is Futile"
Thanku !
Minnie vaknin 🎉
Thank you!
Please tell us about the bpd mind how it differs from npd! Or maybe you can refer to another video!?
He has a video that explains it. I dont remember off hand but check his page
Does this mean that narcissists actually can forget the bad things they do. Does the self interject actually delete or disarm memories that make them look bad etc??
That is why it is always projected an blameshifted. The disorder is shamebased. To fake reality is what he explains an rewrite history to feel more comfortable with themselves in the outside world without guilt
I have observed this. The look on this person's face is really weird! And after denial came anger! Truth is not their "friend". And these persons like to pick on you, when they can an upper hand or matipulate. You feel this in your stomach.
Amazing!
This was very interesting. Is this explanation related to the mechanism of a self fulfilling prophecy?
Mr. Vaknin, I may not be so familiar with Freud or with psychology as a whole but .. the introjects being summed as our conscience, isn't this our super-ego ? and the constructs being an intermediary between our conscience and reality, isn't this our ego ? If this is true then if we manage to change certain behavior ( becoming more self aware, changing our environment to a more positive one, knowing more about ourselves and how our brain works etc ) can we change in a way our constructs so that it will eventually affect the self state and the introjects so that we can in a lack of better words become what we want to be ?
The supergego is a part of the ego. Both are constricts. Conscience is a set of introjects summoned by the construct of the superego.
I wonder… if we can change elements of construct by being aware of it and confronting it with reality? It seems like the main difference between narcs and „healthy” people is that construct takes charge of everything, and I wonder if we can assume that healthy way of functioning would be confronting and changing construct with reason…?
😵💫 All makes perfect sense. Can you explain how this creates the behavior of the “supplier” when the narcissist triggers cognitive dissonance - as you mentioned “am I being manipulated” or “could I be seeing this wrong?” It seems like there is incongruence in the construct of the neurotypical when dealing with behavior of narcissist.
I'm not ASPD but damn do I relate to the covert failure construct, as the scapegoat child. How tf do you fix that?? I feel it's my current hurdle.
Thank you for clarifying the use of "he" in reference to narcissist. 👍🏻
i know, i always wondered why everyone is always called "he".
Is it correct (not sure that's the right word) to examine one's self-states, especially those that generate dissonance and anxiety, in order to bring them into more congruence with actual reality - becoming more comfortable with anxiety and dissonance and breaking through to the truth?
Hilarious. The narc MIL always says “I just don’t think”…
Wow.
My personal construct is to trust Professor Vaknin
😁
Thank you doctor Vaknin. Can you become a positive introject in the narcassist mind? Can you be that voice that competes with mother’s harsh, sadistic voice? If yes, how? I guess the construct is the problem and you can't change that?
I tried without success for 26 years. Use your powers for good on someone who will actually receive and benefit; or you yourself will end up damaged, sorry to say.
@@saraG100 I wish you the best in your healing journey. I love myself first and protect myself, but I understand that this is a mental illness and am trying not to shun those suffering out of my life. I have strong boundaries, but I am trying to hold a safe space for those loved ones and try to motivate them or just be there even if they can't heal. Much love 💕
@@User2426-g5d I would imagine if you can make them see and accept that their thought pattern is actually hindering them more than helping, they might be open to receive help/guidance.
But hard to help someone that doesnt know there is a problem to start with
@@User2426-g5d A long shot maybe, but if you can make them to actually do some work on it, then mantras/affirmations, Hypnosis or 'sigils' is probably probably the best and fastest to get to the sub concious, if you get it into the sub concious you can reprogram your whole life, but any of them can work, just affirmations and mantras will take 30-90 days to seep in, while hypnosis could take one to a few sessions and a sigil could be enough with one time per thought you want to add. And they would have to reject their negative thoughts (everytime they come up until it becomes a habit), reinforce positive thoughts, then guard the mind from unwanted thoughts. So there is a lot of 'will' involved. Lived with a mother with Schizophrenia so I had very destructive thought patterns before, now my mind is pretty much silent.
@@MindMoulder thank you so much. I am so glad you are doing much better.
What does Shoshonin means ?
I had similar thoughts while reading the intro of the divided self by R.D. Laing. Such topics ought to be discussed more in psychology. I would say it’s a shame that they aren’t, but in consideration of the hordes of idiots which currently make up the population studying “soft sciences” in America, it is probably for the best. I reckon they would ruin it. The beauty of actual psychological musings is not in anyway a product of some apparent truth (which their self proclaimed being as scientists has made them hilariously rabid for,) but rather the effort towards truth, i.e. the working in a system which is probably irredeemably complex. The animals which call themselves “soft scientists” have no mind for the exercise of logic, and thus fail to even attempt judgement upon the most restricted, and obvious of etiologies. They confine themselves to largely inductively useless “experiments,” and the drawing of statistics, making sure to only venture outside of this in order to vaguely describe things as contraries to another. It would be fruitful for American society at large if all of our university students were required to engage in a formal study of Aristotle’s organon.
GOAT comment.
Lol. I'll try the bank !! 😄 Everybody it's selling shared fantasies so, if I want keep the grip into reality, I should try to open up an NLB account. Apparently seems to be a ride into a nightmare but, on the other end, can also be an excellent strategy. Kind of a trolley problem. See I'm quoting the trolley and not the free ride paradox (the mania about the trolley origineted from the automotive industries debate, in the early '10). I would have a lot of funny moments having you as professor once, seriouosly. It's already very scarily hopeless nice with the introjection and the Data introjection in within it's very used to the Borgs
How can the self states be healed/changed/choose life?
Watch the healing and recovery playlist.
Не могу никак понять, что значит "Ok, shoshanim".. А так, конечно, очень интересно слушать, завораживает)
“A very spiritual person who often relies on intuition for decision making. Your mind is rich and deep, but often closed for other people.”
он говорил много раз что это значит «Розочки» на Иврите
A person that i know has sadistic tendencies (the person has told me that he enjoys hurting others). He is often trying to push my buttons and get me to react but i dont go to his games and i have told him so. He also does "internet trolling" online. However, he is not a narcissist. Rather has sadistic tendencies because he was hurt in the past when he was young (he has told me that after that experience, he changed to be in a way that he is now). He is often exploitative with his anger in messages etc. Later we discuss about the things what led him doin what he did (he doesnt accuse me that time). I wonder, do u know anything about sadistic personality traits? If u do, i would be glad if u made a video in ur channel. This is a topic that i cant find any information, because what i mean, isnt sexually related, which typically is the only information i can find online
How is he not a narcissist?? Or a psychopath
So now the question is, how do we make positive changes to our interjects and constructs?? 😩😭
Introjects.
Sam is loads of craic these days.
Profesor arent constructs in a way similar to a schemas?
No.
are intrusive thoughts introjects?
Is it possible that a construct could include being drunk/cool. And that construct is certain it has no conscience or continues to drink and be malicious in an attempt to defy the introjected conscience?
A psychopathic self-state is possible.
You are talkning about en computer programming, struktur and selection .. an robot ..
Agree on NLB banka😅. Nova Ljubljanska... Ljubljana is a capital of Slovenia😂
If coverts are more likely to develop empathy than the grandiose type, would it be fair to say that narcs are just not trying hard enough... In a mental weight lifting type way...
How exactly do we know that there's no helping a narc?
... But I guess.... Is it possible to teach an adult how to read write and speak...
No one can "develop" empathy. It is not a skill.
salience
Can you explain why you said this word, I don’t know how it corresponds but I have heard it in relation to this.
Note: at 39.30 min. you mention your IQ: 190.
Mensa will not take your membership since they stop at 166,5.
You will have to start your own Mensa group. It's lonely at the top, I can tell.
I'm (kind'a) glad I'm just ordinary. 😎🙏🥳
Any IQ above 160 cannot be normatively validated (the sample is too small).
:-D
Holy shit
What is the cure for narcissists like Andrew Tate, who was traumatised by his father? And now he’s influencing people with his narcissistic personality in a very bad way
I want to know. I need to know. I must to know... What does "she.sha.neem" (sp?) mean? 🩶