I liked the way Cain puts it: "Trigger happy Commissars who execute men for minor infractions tend to 'die heroically in battle' a **suspicious** distance away from enemy forces."
"You gotta carry 4 sandbags? Man, that's heavy" My dudes. My militarily innocent providers of content. You carry the bags folded and empty in your rucksack, and you fill them with the dirt you pick up while digging the trench.
That... does make sense... but then they're not so much "sandbags", but just "bags". They don't have any sand in them. But you also said they can be filled with dirt, so they should be called dirtbags! Or maybe we should still just call them bags? Dirt sandbags if you want a compromise in naming, but that still doesn't make sense, as there is no sand in them. That could, of course, be fixed if you throw in a mixture of sand and dirt, but how would you have access to both? Would you have to carry sand with you wherever you go? In the desert or a beach, you can get all the sand you need, but hardly any dirt. So, would you have to carry dirt with you instead? Oh! I get it! You carry dirt in your dirtbags if you're gonna fight in a desert or near a beach, in which case you can put the sand into them, to make them dirt sandbags. Then you carry sand if you're gonna fight anywhere, where sand isn't easily accessible! OP, you're wrong! You do have to carry filled dirt- or sandbags with you. And you said you are knowledgeable about this topic. It's so easy to see through your internet lies, how does it feel to be so utterly destroyed by my intellect, huh? I rest my case.
@@silver1340 Hey, I don't make the terminology, fella. You wanna ask why bags that are most commonly filled with dirt are called "sandbags", you gotta ask your local departmento munitorum.
The best part about the Mommisar cut is that the chat was actually really caught off guard by it, so the stream chat had some people legitimately panicking for a moment or two.
Even people without military experience should understand what Trench foot and Athletes foot is. I understand they wanted to make the foot joke but I was surprised they didn't see the actual correlation.
I heard that the existence of Necrons is actually purposely omitted from the primer and censored because their existence is a threat to morale because, surprise surprise, undead teleporting xenos robots who's basic troop can atomize a space marine isn't exactly fun to fight.
That and in general their mere existence is HIGHLY classified. In Cain book 2 they fight Necrons and once they evacuate the Inquisition takes reports of a new Necron tomb very seriously.
Ironically, this seems like it would just cause even more of a morale issue. Imagine you’re some newly recruited by-the-book guardsman, and the planet you’re stationed on happens to be a tomb world. With absolutely no warning at all, legions of strange metal monsters just pop into existence in the middle of the battlefield and start disintegrating your platoon. After emptying half a lasgun battery into one before watching it get right back up, you get to cover before pulling out your trusty primer to try and figure out what these things are. Your last thought before being turned to dust is that not even your superiors have any idea what these things are. And that’s just for basic Necron warriors. Emperor save you if you run into anything stronger.
@@samlevy9897 yeeep. And all of that is before the REALLY nasty shit shows up. Like Immortals just demolishing your lines, Canoptec constructs, Destroyers and Necron warmachines absolutely deleting your armour and the Necron Elite units, Lords and Cryptecs just making an absolute mockery of whatever you throw at them. And If the lord in question feels particularly cruel, they unshackle the C'tan shard. ... and then the Flayed Ones show up to make everything just THAT BIT worse.
@nuh_uh210 absolutely... The best a guard regiment could hope for in that scenario is that the artillery barrage their commanders order both makes it through whatever BS forcefield the skelebois have and also doesn't kill the guardsmen in the process, and finally for them to be ordered to retreat... And for the retreat to go smoothly.
@nuh_uh210 there might be 10s of tombworlds for a dynasty, or 100-plus planets for a larger one. but when you remember the imperium is a million-or-more worlds...
@@garvielloken9297 Well, isn't ironic that the annoying and inferior humans are the ones that are defending humanity and surviving on worlds that even Space Marines fear. I don't think there are any Space Marines on Catachan. And some of the most ruthless Guardsmen come from that DEATH World. I mean I like to see the Black Templars try to survive a week on that planet. A week. Then, come back telling me how stupid and worthless normal humans are. Oh and no special gear. Just a bolter pistol and a knife. That is it.
@@garvielloken9297 pretty sure that's not true, since they are Dorn's children and he was the most dedicated to fulfilling Emps dream for Humanity and multiply this by 10+(I can't read/my face is calm but i got raging boner for killing traitors)
There’s a scene in Attack on Titan where abunch of new recruits are eating together and they’re excited to actually be on the field, ready to fight some big monsters and become a hero and than they meet the veteran characters who are still alive and they’re all dead inside, looking at these newbies going “they ain’t seen shit”. That’s what I imagine a new Guardsman ready to fight after reading this book expecting to become a hero for the emperor in front of actual war vets who seen the actual size of orks.
For context those enemy POWs saw their comrades got eaten alive by giant naked humans falling from the sky. Even normal civillians will get severe PTSDs Hell, even back in season one where the cadets who survived the fall of shingashina and wall maria didn't get scolded by the instructor (keith), because the look in their eyes says everything, only the cadets from the inner walls got scolded.
I remember the Schneider from the movie Fury where the newbie meets the tank veterans. And thenShia LeBoufs (?) Character says :"Wait till you see it. What man can do to each other." Totally PTSD'd like i imagine the most Guard Veterans.
A sentry found sleeping at his post (in an active war zone) is still punishable by death according to article 113 of the US Uniform Code of Military Justice. It's at the very least worth a dishonorable discharge and like a decade in a military prison. It's taken that seriously because it compromises the security of your entire unit, not just you. Luckily, the US military at least doesn't make people into servitors lol.
Not necessarily, plenty of guys get caught asleep in active warzones and they dont get anywhere near a dishonorable discharge. Punsihment can range from a slap on a wrist to a Battalion Level NJP. Just depends who caught you and how bad the circumstances are. When I was in Afghanistan most of these dudes just got extra duty, mostly picking up trash around the base in full gear or filling up sandbags all night
A small correction beyond what L. R. said is that article 113 of the UCMJ covers Drunken or reckless operation of a vehicle, aircraft, or vessel. The offense involving sentries sleeping can be found on section A of article 95 which covers offenses by sentinel or lookout, with the punishments found on subsections 1 and 2.
Tonite on Ridiculous gear: Bricky charges Old One Eye with a spoon tied to an a las-pistol. DK turns into a servo-skull to stare at sisters feet and Shy becomes a tank commander to lock out the sounds of Warframe fans by locking herself inside a baneblade.
I hate to break this to you. Wrote too much. A Top Gear intro is done short and sweet. Just enough to peak the interest of the viewer to wonder what the fuck you going on about. I am not bashing. Just being an annoying internet nerd critic. "Tonight on Ridiculous Gear; Bricky charges Old One Eye. *Shows scene of Bricky yelling with a spoon* DK serves the Emperor. *Scene: DK is a Servo-Skull and is petted by a Sister of Battle* And Shy has a tank. I repeat. Shy has a tank. *Scene: Shy wielding a power sword while riding on the back of a Baneblade*"
Guardsman: *breathes* Commissar: *arrests and tortures guardsman* Guardsman: *turns to chaos, and most likely into a daemon because of the torture* Commissar: *surprised pikachu face*
And that's when the Guardsmen doesn't just turn his lasgun on the Commisar. With how severe the punishments are, it's far better to either kill your commanding officer or force him to kill you in defense.
IRL sleeping while being on guard duty WAS a death penalty offence during WW1 and WW2, and people were shot for it, and it probably stays this way today. This is because when you are sleeping on guard duty you not only risking your life, you are putting all your unit in danger of stealthy enemy advance.
In practice I don't believe it was ever a death sentence for the US in Iraq or Afghanistan, but the punishment was still severe. Court martial with an other-than-honorable discharge in the VERY least, and it wouldn't surprise me if someone went to prison for it during those conflicts. Doing it in training inevitably leads to an ass-chewing, loss of respect with peers and superiors, and probably a good hour's worth of PT in the dirt.
In Roman Times, you'd be made to sleep outside of the camp's perimeter, so you'd be as vulnerable to getting your throat cut in your sleep as the comrades you endangered.
"flogged"..... meaning strung up, stripped, and given however many lashes with a bullwhip. every lash can and WILL open you up badly (it's not impossible to REMOVE skin and muscle tissue this way), and the ones administering such punishments know exactly how to do it for maximum impact/effect, without you succumbing to shock and passing out or dying.
So, receiving a bolt from a commissar in your noggin pretty much must feel like a relief after flogging, then. But then again, I bet on the frontline meatgrinder comissars have no time to issue such punishments, and simply *BLAM* guardsmen.
@@DaemonKeido Nope, spot on with the flogging. Flaying is the deliberate removal of the hide. Flogging was a truly brutal punishment and always used a lash of some kind, be that a single or multi tail whip.
I wasn't prepared for Shy pulling such a power move on Bricky by leaving him going to blow his nose in. Then she just smiles, menacingly. This can only be a positive development.
i wonder if shy has any idea what kind of beast she has awoken with that asmr bit, its like khorne and slaanesh had a love child while tzeentch was directing with nurgle holding the camera
By the emperor, this will be worse than the fall of cadia a monster with a infinity hunger, more agressive and dangerous than the orks with more power of corruption than chaos
I know the feet section in the book is a bit of joke but that’s actually good military advice. Keeping your feet dry is really important and not doing that will result in your feet rotting off from Gangrene.
Yeah it's like that scene in Forest Gump when he first gets to Nam. He goes on a whole monologue about keeping your socks dry being the single most important thing to surviving.
With the bit with the panicky gaurdsmen and the necron i can imagine a necron lord seeing this creature just panicking and going “whatcha readin about” and laughing as the guardsman screams lol
@@88thdeathkoregrenadier68 I imagine at least one copy of every edition released, all displayed with pride atop pedestals with plaques detailing how each differs from the last.
Shynis slowly having more and more influence on each episode, the skipping through little guy jokes and the commissar bit, next episode she will cut out all off topic bs
I always thought an awesome short WH40k story would be of a peasant living on a rural medieval Imperial world where they don't see anything from the Imperium for generations, gets tithed into the Imperial Guard, put on a space ship, sent through the warp, dropped into a chaos infected planet along with sisters and when all seems lost seeing like Saint Celestine pop up and save the day. People often laugh a the idea of these fictional people worshiping the God Emperor. I dunno, I can easily see it.
Hell, that's also true of someone living in the bowels of a hive. They're surrounded by ancient technology and work every day scooping solid matter out of a sewage stream, but they aren't any more informed about anything than the peasant farmer on an medieval world. The only thing they have to worry about are cops and the gangs (but alas, I repeat myself), and the occasional _thing_ living deeper down. That same person who gets shipped off to a distant Imperial world has as little reference as the dirt farmer. Surrounded by monsters, being screamed at by an angry man in a hat, and trying not to die. (Also, the dirt farmer at least has seen the sky. Imagine being the hiver stepping off the transport and seeing the vast expanse of NOTHING stretching above you forever. That's a quick trip to developing severe agoraphobia.) If the hiver saw Celestine come to their rescue, their religious experience would be just as genuine as that of the dirt farmer next to him.
Yeah, or someone scraping by in a hab block. Just casually trudging along, working small jobs at the ammo or food factorum, running errands for Imperial clerks. Then the entire city suddenly gets sieged because some Chaos cultists have set up bases, and the person suddenly gets swept up by the violent riots and rebellions. Suddenly SoBs show up, and you'll see Guardsmen, Sororitas, and even Inquisitors for the first time in your life. If the person's lucky, they may survive to tell the tales of actually seeing militant servants of the Emperor.
Sleeping on Sentry is a huge no no. Your sleeping can result in the death of everyone. I read up on some Canadian ww1 history and I read a letter where a guy was explaining to his mom how a guy fell asleep on sentry and the punishment was the whole section kicking the shit out of him.
Ohh yeah, in the US army its still punishable by death during war time, tho the last someone was executed for it was in like ww2 I think, the punishment can can range from extra duty or whatever creative thing the CO can come up with to a court martial a some prison time, you'll have to fuck up big time like getting fellow soldiers killed to get executed for it
@@TheLangenator given how Deathmarks often target important personnel i think it would be pretty awful if a Commissar is giving a impactful speech and all of the sudden he collapses like being unplugged from a wall outlet
On the take good care of your feet part. In WW2, an Italian writer escaped Auschwitz with the aid of a Greek salesman. In the days following their escape, the writer's shoes broke, and the Greek opened his backpack, which contained several pairs of shoes, handed a new pair to the Italian, and told him a single phrase: A man without shoes might as well be a dead man. And if you think about it, he was absolutely right. They had to walk across half Europe, and while clothes could be fashioned out of plenty of things, and food could be traded, foraged, or stolen, shoes were hard to come by, and if you ever walked barefoot in the nature, you can agree with me that you can't do it for month, especially in winter. This story can be found in the writer's autobiography about this event "if this is a man" by Primo Levi, and i believe it to be a true story, because it frustrated me to no end seeing how useless Levi was during the whole ordeal. The dude would have kicked the bucket several times if not for his fellow prisoners. Like the dude was "standing in the middle of the road like a deer in the headlights while the Nazi that are looking for you are patrolling" kind of useless.
@@velphidrow Yeah, socks were precious commodity, especially during ww1. Trench warfare. You get gibbed by artillery, ripped to shreds by machine gun, or sit in hole for months and rot from the bottom.
@@Willqer I like to imagine a serious meeting where they are exchanging socks. "These socks are thermal so your feet will always be warm." "No their only up to the ankle not the whole shin."
_"...Permission to speak Commisar?"_ _"Granted Guardsman."_ _"Thank you for not shooting me in the head ma'am... Probably going to die from blood loss regardless, but still..."_
Rookie Guardsmen meets Necrons for the first time: GM: "wait, the book didn't say anything about these things!" *buddy gets desintegrated* GM: "Oh God-Emperror, the book definitely said nothing about these!" *an overlord appears* GM: "...I'm beginning to think this book was a hoax.." *the Flayed Ones appear* Gm: "oh no..."
If anyone is wondering why Necrons are never mentioned in any of the Imperial Guard Primers: The Imperium intentionally keeps the existence of Necrons a secret from as much of the population as possible. This is due to Necrons being extremely rare to encounter, as well as the fact that they are _fucking terrifying_ and they don't want to weaken morale.
It's also that the Necrons COULD actually be kept a secret when these were printed in-universe (which after Szarekh's return isn't really the case anymore). 'Cause if the Imperium could keep shit like the Tyranids under wraps, it would. But keeping the UNENDING HORDE a secret is kinda hard.
The litany of the lasgun could be pretty terrifying to hear when it's sung by a chorus of millions of guardsmen which is followed by a sea of laser fire
I still have my 1st edition uplifting primer. Also funny story since the writers used the Army basic training manual for the primer. I used the primer for an inspection of my soldiers gear no one even noticed.
The sandbags are empty, they don’t weigh that much when empty. If you look at what a US solder gets issued that’s about the same amount of stuff, some of which just gets left in unit storage. The taking care of your feet is super accurate. If you’ve been in a multi day hike and you don’t keep your feet dry you’ll suffer. Charging socks and stuff. On the low end there’s blisters and all that, and on the horrible end you have stuff like trench foot or jungle rot where fungus is rotting your feet off the bone. I could see it being a lot worse in 40k so makes sense.
If it wasn't for the FUCKING ASMR NIGHTMARE shy inflicted us, this episode would've been my favourite of all. Emperor's balls... Only sentence is to release that 20 minutes of little guys
Because the Emperor himself gave the Astartes first dibs on a lot of weaponry, and while bolters in the Imperial Army were commonplace up to and during the Horus Heresy, the restructuring of the Imperial Guard and Navy also coincided with the executive decision that the bolter was not logistically practical for mass production on a galactic scale, and so the lasgun is now standard issue to the Imperial Guard and most PDF forces are actually banned from using it or any form of bolter.
Dear Unauthorized Guardsmen Newletter Agency, Most patterns of boltgun has unfortunately been found to violently separate an unaugmented human from their arms. If you fill out the approrpiate requisite however, the Medicae will be more than happy to replace your arms with mechanical limbs (anasthesia not available due to resource shortages) to utilize the Weapon of His Most Holy Angels P.S your illegal gathering has been reported to your local Commissariat and will be dealt with promptly. Sincerely, Administratum Adept 5T3V3-Steve
Don’t forget that the standard issue weapon for the Solar Auxilia used to be volkite. It’s my honest belief that if Belisarius Cawl had focused his resources on giving every guardsman a heat ray, Cadia wouldn’t have fallen. I know he can do it, but he won’t. Coward.
Catachan Devil is a fantastic guard book that has a good part at the beginning where it details the reactions of new conscripts with minimal training to the primer and then what the veterans tell them. And then their actual combat experience against Orks and Ork Kommando squads or da Sneaky Boyz.
The platoon that replaced mine back in Afghanistan had a kid that kept falling asleep on post (guard duty basically). They kept punishing him and punishing him and he kept doing it. Finally he had enough punishment and shot himself. A couple of dudes in his squad ended up getting court martialed for it.
@@THExRISER no, the Marine Corps determined that at least some of their punishments could be classified as hazing and that hazing had contributed to the sleepy kid killing himself.
@@wonderfred Oh you meant his superior officers, the ones that were punishing him, you said "dudes in his squad" so I assumed the regular Joes like him. That makes more sense, they deserved it for pushing him too far.
@@THExRISER one was the squad leader and the other one was one of his peers if memory serves. Maybe they did deserve to be punished but sleeping beauty was putting everyone at risk in a no shit war zone. It was a complicated problem and there is a good bit more context than I haven't gone into but as my squad leader told me when I first got in country "sleeping on post is bad juju", bad things happen to those that do it.
The kind of energy I'm feelin' while reading along with them with my infantryman's handbook while they're reading through their own is something else entirely P.s. feels like the guardsman version of a book club this is the only book they can read, this and maintenance books
I'm now just imagining a Guardsman hiding behind a blown up Leman Russ tank, being bombarded by Necron Destroyers, and yelling "Where the FUCK was this in the Book!!!!!"
You guys should do a special episode on regimental standard one day. It's a official Warhammer newsletter that is made to look like a in universe guardsmen PSA program. It's really funny and takes the propaganda from the uplifting primer amd turns it to eleven. An article can sometimes be covered in asterisks and redacted statements. My favorite for Christmas (sanguinila in 40k) they gave each guardsmen a cut out of Sanguinius to hang from their lasgun, but if you cut outside of the dotted line you would be executed.
The reason for all the daft rules is known in the British Army as "The squaddie" or general infantryman as they can, and do, break *everything*. Whether it is being used for appropriate or inappropriate purposes they *will* break it. I believe in the US military the phenomenon is known as "Private Schmuckatelli", the reason we don't have nice things and many, many apparently random rules. Also on the topic of guardsmen vs orks? The Valhallans and Perlians know *exactly* what they are fighting and how to do it. They *volunteer* for that shit as they kinda don't like 'em much :D
The Imperial Infantry Man's Uplifting Toilet Paper. Can't watch the premiere because I'm at work but I already know it's going to be absolutely hilarious.
You guys would be in awe of the sheer amount of shit we carried in the field (former US army, 101st Airborne). Honestly from what I heard you say and what I read for myself, the stuff the guard carry is not all that crazy tbh. Also the sandbags are common shit to carry actually, they're not full and are rolled up into about the size of a large burrito sized thing with a strap or tape keeping it rolled up. Funny thing is we always emptied the sandbags rather than cut them open, so we could reuse them. As for the stuff about then taking note of what/who is where when taking over watch or a post is really accurate. When you take over a guard shift say in a foxhole or something, there's a range card that shows known or suspected enemy positions or possible cover they could use. You talk to the guy you're relieving of duty and he tells you what the local situation is. Honestly kinda cool how similar this guide is to real life. Also DO DARK ANGELS DAMMIT
And footcare is not that strict, it's an absolute deal breaker in the field. Can't walk=can't fight, can't run=can't avoid explosions. Trench foot and boot blisters are the WORST, especially together. Enemy vehicle, uniform, and unit type recognition is a huge thing too. If say, you are some young 20 something year old newbie and can't tell the difference between an Abrams, Leopard, or T-72 tank you might fuck up your own guys or allies. Knowing what type of unit insignia/uniform enemy infantry, scouts, armor, or other units use is critical to knowing what you're fighting. If I drop a Russian soldier and look at his uniform and see a zigzag arrow in a diamond, that's combat engineers. Red star with scroll and parachute? Airborne. So if an ork has blue or purple with crossed knives, he would likely be a Kommando nob.
Hey! That's the book I used to read every night in the army. That book was in good condition in the army's own library which was shocking to me. Other books were in bad condition. It was nice to read and force others to read loudly eg. Prayers. I even once read to our lieutenant a part about punishments and asked for opinions. He said, "Hey. That last one was pretty good. We could use it as a punishment for the tent's stove to go out and fail to maintain it".
With trillions of planets with human civilizations, there must be a Games Workshop in one of those systems and they make mini figures of the 40k universe and constantly copyright strike other systems?
Well, it's been confirmed that Perturabo canonically had a side hobby of making tabletop miniatures and playing tactical simulations, so it's possible that some version of 40K exists for Astartes chapters, and maybe certain individuals of sufficient ranks and authority to know about all the xenos and everything accurately, like Guard generals, Navy admirals, and of course Inquisitors. It's possible that certain versions of the game could exist amongst the nobility of some Imperial worlds, but likely a heavily censored version for the sake of Imperial propaganda, where all the enemies are ludicrously inaccurate and debuffed to hell whereas Guardsmen are made a lot better and something like a Space Marine, due to the religious cult of personality the Imperium props around them, would be more broken than even anything Matt Ward could have written in his wildest trips.
@@fadelsukoco3092 It's also in the Mechanicus game that Necrons play warhammer. I don't remember the exact description, but there's a room you can find that has large shelves of intricate miniature Necron troops as well as dice of various sizes and shapes
I have not even started the episode yet, but I wanted to add a fun fact! Games Workshop legitimately made an Uplifting Primer that they sold. I don't know how much of it they made or if it was limited edition or not, but it was the copy that those who were going to fight the Tau got and it was a complete in universe lore tome. Like this thing told you how to fight things, how to survive, and even they prayers you could pray. Plus all the Bureaucratic and Inquisitorial Paperwork and Censorship was on full display! I won't lie, as the Imperial Guard was my first Warhammer Faction ever, I am so glad that I picked the Primer up at my local store!!!
@@velphidrow Word! I still haven't watched the episode yet and that's the main reason I wrote my original comment. Hell, to be fair, I don't know of anyone else in my area that has the book. I gather there are a few, but also, it just seems rare to me,
37:11 You guys may laugh at this section, but podiatric diseases have _long_ plagued militaries around the world: Trench Foot was an absolute _menace_ throughout World War I; and to highlight how severe similar shit was during the Vietnam War, _Forrest Gump_ has the scene where Forrest and Bubba meet their CO and Lt. Dan straight-up tells them that one of the most important things that they have to remember during their deployment, something that could very well determine whether or not they make it back home alive, is just keeping their socks dry.
Depending on how high the "removal" takes place, you can bleed out in under a minute from just one leg being removed, so you're probably not gonna last multiple minutes, and you DAMN sure wouldn't be conscious of it
I still have my old Black Book copy and yes it is still on my book shelf. Also, I was more surprised by Shy’s V-Tuber model than the Commissar, nice work on it.
The voice acting on the "comissar finding sleepin guardsman" -skit did something to me, and i ain't the same person that started to listen to this episode. 😴💪🙍♀️
Funny enough, there is a StarCraft "Field Manual" that has annotations in it by an in universe Marine pointing out propaganda and exaggerations in the book.
@@henrypaleveda7760 The official name is StarCraft II: Field Manual. There are some new copies and used copies still on Amazon and the big name bookstores might have some as well.
The "Do not deface on pain of death" square often comes pre-smudged, either with a fingerprint, presumably from some Administratum/Munitorum worker responsible for quality checking, or just plain low quality of the Imperial mass-production printing press.
Its a fairly common thing in the army to take care of your feet. If your feet are messed up, say with Trench Foot, then you can't march, you can't charge, you can't fall back, you are stuck. Taking care of your feet and changing socks frequently is something i've heard from people in every branch of the Armed Forces.
I wasn't expecting an episode on this. Time to recite the Litany of Diligent Listenership (try saying that three times fast) and learn all the essential knowledge a new guardsman needs.
On the subject of taking care of your feet, it is a major thing in modern militaries. They don’t want soldiers to get foot issues, mainly trench foot which you can get extremely easily. On a 11 mile March we would swap out of socks 2-3 times. You don’t want sweat to build up in your boots, a real possible problem.
that ork being bayoneted looks like the rogue trader edition ork minis. which might make the size thing a bit of humorous easter egg, given that the RT minis are so much smaller than the later cadian plastics from when this book came out.
I was lucky enough to pick up a copy of the Damocles edition at a convention once. There are a couple of photocopied sticker jokes regarding the Tau as well. "... something something highly advanced." and "... something something may be negotiated with."
I would highly recommend reading the book 15 Hours by Mitchel Scanlon if your interested in seeing what it’s like as a raw recruit thrown into a war zone in the 41st millennium
5:03- Thank you. Thank you Shy (I’m sorry if that’s not spelt right. I’m going off of someone else’s spelling from awhile ago and no one ever corrected him so….) for cutting out 20 minutes of what should only be a 30 second joke! It’s kinda like a song you loved when it first came out. But after all the stations played it about 40 times a day every day……… Yeah
I was lucky enough to snatch one of these up when they reprinted them on a made to order basis (I think?) As a guard player, easily one of my favorite purchases from GW. Love reading from it for narrative games
Commissar, addressing a Catachan guardsman who fell asleep on duty: "If you were home, what would have happened to you? Don't answer me, just give it a moment's thought. Now consider, what is going to happen when I tell the rest of your unit about this? You have a choice Guardsman, you can take your lashes for failing to salute me, or I can tell the rest of the squad about this, the way I will if this were to ever happen again. Which do you choose?"
The punishment for falling asleep on post (in an active war zone) is still death. Most of the punishments written are just a step above what we do today in the military which helps the uplifting primer read like something actually real. Also like in real life your command (and most importantly the commissariat) have discretion in deciding punishment.
I hope you know that over the course of a few minutes you have made me understand and appreciate every dig shy has ever given you two, and yes that includes the goblin. Good episode boys xD
And for the feet thing, it's also normal irl because you don't want fungi and gangrene. Marching for days with dirty feets, sweaty socks, and closed boots make your toes to rot
I wish you'd talked more about the section on Chaos and corruption. Chaos is largely supposed to be a secret in the Imperium, so I've always wondered how much they tell the Guardsmen about it.
Something I want to know: Did any veteran guardsman (or guardswoman) ever question why these booklets are still being printed? Not just the guardsmen, the commissars and generals, etc. Do they all secretly agree that the primer sucks ass, but remain quiet about it because the thing is promoted by the propaganda ministry or whatever, and speaking out about it would get them killed? It feels like that's the case, as the "joke" that it's merely toilet paper is so widespread. But wouldn't that eventually reach the propaganda department that would then flip their shit from hearing that?
@@hammurabii.3173 "Since no newly assigned officer is keen on losing his entire regiment on their first deployment." As much as people tend to jerk off the over-the-topness of Warhammer, it's nice to see some reasonable actions performed by commanding officers.
I remember that an offhand comment in one of the Ciaphas Cain series mentions that the Imperial Infrantryman's Uplifting Primer is great for a good laugh and not much else.
ASMR meme Segment by Sasha the Archdemon th-cam.com/users/SashasCastle twitch.tv/justSasha
*Frightened Erection*
That was HILARIOUS.
Someone is going to add that clip to pornhub and you know it.
mommissar lol
Did not expect this 😭
I liked the way Cain puts it:
"Trigger happy Commissars who execute men for minor infractions tend to 'die heroically in battle' a **suspicious** distance away from enemy forces."
"Yes sir, our Commissar heroically commits suicide by giving himself 200 lasgun shots to his head."
"He led the initial charge, then jumped in front of the enemy just as we shot.........."
and they get saluted a lot as well :p
With lasgun wounds in the back and back of his neck.
It's just Ork Snipers, nothing to worry about.
"You gotta carry 4 sandbags? Man, that's heavy" My dudes. My militarily innocent providers of content. You carry the bags folded and empty in your rucksack, and you fill them with the dirt you pick up while digging the trench.
That... does make sense... but then they're not so much "sandbags", but just "bags". They don't have any sand in them.
But you also said they can be filled with dirt, so they should be called dirtbags! Or maybe we should still just call them bags? Dirt sandbags if you want a compromise in naming, but that still doesn't make sense, as there is no sand in them.
That could, of course, be fixed if you throw in a mixture of sand and dirt, but how would you have access to both? Would you have to carry sand with you wherever you go? In the desert or a beach, you can get all the sand you need, but hardly any dirt. So, would you have to carry dirt with you instead?
Oh! I get it! You carry dirt in your dirtbags if you're gonna fight in a desert or near a beach, in which case you can put the sand into them, to make them dirt sandbags. Then you carry sand if you're gonna fight anywhere, where sand isn't easily accessible!
OP, you're wrong! You do have to carry filled dirt- or sandbags with you. And you said you are knowledgeable about this topic.
It's so easy to see through your internet lies, how does it feel to be so utterly destroyed by my intellect, huh?
I rest my case.
I facepalmed when they said “that must be heavy”
@@silver1340 Hey, I don't make the terminology, fella. You wanna ask why bags that are most commonly filled with dirt are called "sandbags", you gotta ask your local departmento munitorum.
@@maximsavage Probably because calling it a "dirtbag" would result in a migraine-inducing amount of "funny jokes" by infantrymen.
I went way to long not realizing that
The best part about the Mommisar cut is that the chat was actually really caught off guard by it, so the stream chat had some people legitimately panicking for a moment or two.
I hate that name thanks
Damn now I'm sad I missed that 😂
@@ilikerocks2180 i like!
Legit caught me so off guard
"Mommisar"
I want to shoot myself
Bricky: "Man that sounds like a ton of gear. 'Take care of your feet' that's weird."
Literally anyone with real world military experience: BRUH
Even people without military experience should understand what Trench foot and Athletes foot is. I understand they wanted to make the foot joke but I was surprised they didn't see the actual correlation.
As someone with said experience, after about mile 6 everything below the waist starts to numb out which makes it easier to keep going
I heard that the existence of Necrons is actually purposely omitted from the primer and censored because their existence is a threat to morale because, surprise surprise, undead teleporting xenos robots who's basic troop can atomize a space marine isn't exactly fun to fight.
That and in general their mere existence is HIGHLY classified. In Cain book 2 they fight Necrons and once they evacuate the Inquisition takes reports of a new Necron tomb very seriously.
Ironically, this seems like it would just cause even more of a morale issue.
Imagine you’re some newly recruited by-the-book guardsman, and the planet you’re stationed on happens to be a tomb world. With absolutely no warning at all, legions of strange metal monsters just pop into existence in the middle of the battlefield and start disintegrating your platoon. After emptying half a lasgun battery into one before watching it get right back up, you get to cover before pulling out your trusty primer to try and figure out what these things are. Your last thought before being turned to dust is that not even your superiors have any idea what these things are.
And that’s just for basic Necron warriors. Emperor save you if you run into anything stronger.
@@samlevy9897 yeeep. And all of that is before the REALLY nasty shit shows up.
Like Immortals just demolishing your lines, Canoptec constructs, Destroyers and Necron warmachines absolutely deleting your armour and the Necron Elite units, Lords and Cryptecs just making an absolute mockery of whatever you throw at them. And If the lord in question feels particularly cruel, they unshackle the C'tan shard.
... and then the Flayed Ones show up to make everything just THAT BIT worse.
@nuh_uh210 absolutely... The best a guard regiment could hope for in that scenario is that the artillery barrage their commanders order both makes it through whatever BS forcefield the skelebois have and also doesn't kill the guardsmen in the process, and finally for them to be ordered to retreat... And for the retreat to go smoothly.
@nuh_uh210 there might be 10s of tombworlds for a dynasty, or 100-plus planets for a larger one. but when you remember the imperium is a million-or-more worlds...
Finally, the guard and black templars can get along. They both view a book as worthless (although for different reasons)
Wdym? they didn’t get along?
@@sol4453 space marines especially black templars often view ordinary humans as inferior and annoying, so, yeah
Black Templars do get along with guardsmen because they worship the emperor as a god
@@garvielloken9297 Well, isn't ironic that the annoying and inferior humans are the ones that are defending humanity and surviving on worlds that even Space Marines fear. I don't think there are any Space Marines on Catachan. And some of the most ruthless Guardsmen come from that DEATH World. I mean I like to see the Black Templars try to survive a week on that planet. A week. Then, come back telling me how stupid and worthless normal humans are. Oh and no special gear. Just a bolter pistol and a knife. That is it.
@@garvielloken9297 pretty sure that's not true, since they are Dorn's children and he was the most dedicated to fulfilling Emps dream for Humanity and multiply this by 10+(I can't read/my face is calm but i got raging boner for killing traitors)
There’s a scene in Attack on Titan where abunch of new recruits are eating together and they’re excited to actually be on the field, ready to fight some big monsters and become a hero and than they meet the veteran characters who are still alive and they’re all dead inside, looking at these newbies going “they ain’t seen shit”. That’s what I imagine a new Guardsman ready to fight after reading this book expecting to become a hero for the emperor in front of actual war vets who seen the actual size of orks.
For context those enemy POWs saw their comrades got eaten alive by giant naked humans falling from the sky. Even normal civillians will get severe PTSDs
Hell, even back in season one where the cadets who survived the fall of shingashina and wall maria didn't get scolded by the instructor (keith), because the look in their eyes says everything, only the cadets from the inner walls got scolded.
@@worlds3061 but counter point. Tyrannids
I remember the Schneider from the movie Fury where the newbie meets the tank veterans. And thenShia LeBoufs (?) Character says :"Wait till you see it. What man can do to each other." Totally PTSD'd like i imagine the most Guard Veterans.
A sentry found sleeping at his post (in an active war zone) is still punishable by death according to article 113 of the US Uniform Code of Military Justice. It's at the very least worth a dishonorable discharge and like a decade in a military prison. It's taken that seriously because it compromises the security of your entire unit, not just you. Luckily, the US military at least doesn't make people into servitors lol.
Yet. But hey, they started with spiders so it isn't that far away anymore.
Not necessarily, plenty of guys get caught asleep in active warzones and they dont get anywhere near a dishonorable discharge. Punsihment can range from a slap on a wrist to a Battalion Level NJP. Just depends who caught you and how bad the circumstances are. When I was in Afghanistan most of these dudes just got extra duty, mostly picking up trash around the base in full gear or filling up sandbags all night
A small correction beyond what L. R. said is that article 113 of the UCMJ covers Drunken or reckless operation of a
vehicle, aircraft, or vessel. The offense involving sentries sleeping can be found on section A of article 95 which covers offenses by sentinel or lookout, with the punishments found on subsections 1 and 2.
Dang, you guys listing this stuff off like lawyers at work
Speak for yourself, after 7 years in the Infantry I'm quite dead inside lol
Tonite on Ridiculous gear: Bricky charges Old One Eye with a spoon tied to an a las-pistol. DK turns into a servo-skull to stare at sisters feet and Shy becomes a tank commander to lock out the sounds of Warframe fans by locking herself inside a baneblade.
[render the brittish national anthem with organs instead of guitars]
I'd watch that shit.
I hate to break this to you. Wrote too much. A Top Gear intro is done short and sweet. Just enough to peak the interest of the viewer to wonder what the fuck you going on about. I am not bashing. Just being an annoying internet nerd critic.
"Tonight on Ridiculous Gear;
Bricky charges Old One Eye.
*Shows scene of Bricky yelling with a spoon*
DK serves the Emperor.
*Scene: DK is a Servo-Skull and is petted by a Sister of Battle*
And Shy has a tank. I repeat. Shy has a tank.
*Scene: Shy wielding a power sword while riding on the back of a Baneblade*"
@@Qardo meh, it's fun to fuck about lmao
I love ridiculous gear
Guardsman: *breathes*
Commissar: *arrests and tortures guardsman*
Guardsman: *turns to chaos, and most likely into a daemon because of the torture*
Commissar: *surprised pikachu face*
And that's when the Guardsmen doesn't just turn his lasgun on the Commisar. With how severe the punishments are, it's far better to either kill your commanding officer or force him to kill you in defense.
And then the planet gets Virus bombed and the Guardsmen gets saved by the warp
That’s why you just shoot them before they have a chance to turn
@@syrakul9493 exactly
@@cavareenvius7886 FUCKING HEREEETIIIIICS!
IRL sleeping while being on guard duty WAS a death penalty offence during WW1 and WW2, and people were shot for it, and it probably stays this way today. This is because when you are sleeping on guard duty you not only risking your life, you are putting all your unit in danger of stealthy enemy advance.
Under the US Uniform Code of Military Justice, it still is.
In practice I don't believe it was ever a death sentence for the US in Iraq or Afghanistan, but the punishment was still severe. Court martial with an other-than-honorable discharge in the VERY least, and it wouldn't surprise me if someone went to prison for it during those conflicts. Doing it in training inevitably leads to an ass-chewing, loss of respect with peers and superiors, and probably a good hour's worth of PT in the dirt.
In Roman Times, you'd be made to sleep outside of the camp's perimeter, so you'd be as vulnerable to getting your throat cut in your sleep as the comrades you endangered.
@@travelingspartan2035it is still on the books as a punishment, but it hasn't been used since ww2 if i recall correctly
"flogged"..... meaning strung up, stripped, and given however many lashes with a bullwhip. every lash can and WILL open you up badly (it's not impossible to REMOVE skin and muscle tissue this way), and the ones administering such punishments know exactly how to do it for maximum impact/effect, without you succumbing to shock and passing out or dying.
So, receiving a bolt from a commissar in your noggin pretty much must feel like a relief after flogging, then.
But then again, I bet on the frontline meatgrinder comissars have no time to issue such punishments, and simply *BLAM* guardsmen.
@@Teammate92 like DURING a fight? Of course they just shoot you.
@@bladestormviking I'd like to see the commissar get away with that in the Mordian Iron Guard.
@@bladestormviking you were describing flaying. Flogging is more using a paddle and beating the shit out of someone with it.
@@DaemonKeido Nope, spot on with the flogging. Flaying is the deliberate removal of the hide. Flogging was a truly brutal punishment and always used a lash of some kind, be that a single or multi tail whip.
I wasn't prepared for Shy pulling such a power move on Bricky by leaving him going to blow his nose in. Then she just smiles, menacingly.
This can only be a positive development.
Shy's character looking soooooo incredibly done with everything was absolutely great.
i wonder if shy has any idea what kind of beast she has awoken with that asmr bit, its like khorne and slaanesh had a love child while tzeentch was directing with nurgle holding the camera
Oh no the ASMR bit was powered by Slannesh for sure
@@lazynomad3956 lord mommisar! I request the good emperors mercy on your behalf
Khorne and Slaanesh hate each other tho
@@stalinsoulz7872 when did that happen
By the emperor, this will be worse than the fall of cadia a monster with a infinity hunger, more agressive and dangerous than the orks with more power of corruption than chaos
You know you’ve spent too much time on the internet when you expected to hear “Ara ara” from the female Commissar.
I know the feet section in the book is a bit of joke but that’s actually good military advice. Keeping your feet dry is really important and not doing that will result in your feet rotting off from Gangrene.
Trench Foot and Jungle Rot are real. If you don't take care of your feet in the military then your feet can literally rot away inside your boots.
Yeah it's like that scene in Forest Gump when he first gets to Nam. He goes on a whole monologue about keeping your socks dry being the single most important thing to surviving.
With the bit with the panicky gaurdsmen and the necron i can imagine a necron lord seeing this creature just panicking and going “whatcha readin about” and laughing as the guardsman screams lol
how many copies would trazin have?
88th Death kore grenadier… yes
I can definitely see Zahndrekh doing that.
@@88thdeathkoregrenadier68 I imagine at least one copy of every edition released, all displayed with pride atop pedestals with plaques detailing how each differs from the last.
@@88thdeathkoregrenadier68Not enough
Shynis slowly having more and more influence on each episode, the skipping through little guy jokes and the commissar bit, next episode she will cut out all off topic bs
Don't forget showing herself on screen.
@@jakubgrzybek6181 When , i didnt pay attention to the screen....
@@cncmne7404 28:30
1984
Greetings!
Preiss algorithm gods!
We need more SHY!
“Fifteen hours” is a short book about a guardsman’s first encounter and first fifteen on a imperial planet besieged by work, might scratch DK’s itch
sounds like it can scratch an itch of mine too.
I always thought an awesome short WH40k story would be of a peasant living on a rural medieval Imperial world where they don't see anything from the Imperium for generations, gets tithed into the Imperial Guard, put on a space ship, sent through the warp, dropped into a chaos infected planet along with sisters and when all seems lost seeing like Saint Celestine pop up and save the day. People often laugh a the idea of these fictional people worshiping the God Emperor. I dunno, I can easily see it.
Hell, that's also true of someone living in the bowels of a hive. They're surrounded by ancient technology and work every day scooping solid matter out of a sewage stream, but they aren't any more informed about anything than the peasant farmer on an medieval world. The only thing they have to worry about are cops and the gangs (but alas, I repeat myself), and the occasional _thing_ living deeper down.
That same person who gets shipped off to a distant Imperial world has as little reference as the dirt farmer. Surrounded by monsters, being screamed at by an angry man in a hat, and trying not to die. (Also, the dirt farmer at least has seen the sky. Imagine being the hiver stepping off the transport and seeing the vast expanse of NOTHING stretching above you forever. That's a quick trip to developing severe agoraphobia.)
If the hiver saw Celestine come to their rescue, their religious experience would be just as genuine as that of the dirt farmer next to him.
Yeah, or someone scraping by in a hab block. Just casually trudging along, working small jobs at the ammo or food factorum, running errands for Imperial clerks. Then the entire city suddenly gets sieged because some Chaos cultists have set up bases, and the person suddenly gets swept up by the violent riots and rebellions. Suddenly SoBs show up, and you'll see Guardsmen, Sororitas, and even Inquisitors for the first time in your life. If the person's lucky, they may survive to tell the tales of actually seeing militant servants of the Emperor.
Sleeping on Sentry is a huge no no. Your sleeping can result in the death of everyone. I read up on some Canadian ww1 history and I read a letter where a guy was explaining to his mom how a guy fell asleep on sentry and the punishment was the whole section kicking the shit out of him.
Ohh yeah, in the US army its still punishable by death during war time, tho the last someone was executed for it was in like ww2 I think, the punishment can can range from extra duty or whatever creative thing the CO can come up with to a court martial a some prison time, you'll have to fuck up big time like getting fellow soldiers killed to get executed for it
Necron synaptic disintegrators are nuts. They literally just delete the nervous system.
No wound, the soldier just collapses.
…that’s unbelievably fucked up beyond words.
…right on brand for 40k.
@@fernhausluv44 Is it better or worse than their standard weapons? Gauss weapons turn off your molecular bonds and reduce you to a fine powder.
@@TheLangenator given how Deathmarks often target important personnel i think it would be pretty awful if a Commissar is giving a impactful speech and all of the sudden he collapses like being unplugged from a wall outlet
A reminder: The brain is a part of the nervous system, as all of your nerves connect to it.
On the take good care of your feet part.
In WW2, an Italian writer escaped Auschwitz with the aid of a Greek salesman. In the days following their escape, the writer's shoes broke, and the Greek opened his backpack, which contained several pairs of shoes, handed a new pair to the Italian, and told him a single phrase:
A man without shoes might as well be a dead man.
And if you think about it, he was absolutely right. They had to walk across half Europe, and while clothes could be fashioned out of plenty of things, and food could be traded, foraged, or stolen, shoes were hard to come by, and if you ever walked barefoot in the nature, you can agree with me that you can't do it for month, especially in winter.
This story can be found in the writer's autobiography about this event "if this is a man" by Primo Levi, and i believe it to be a true story, because it frustrated me to no end seeing how useless Levi was during the whole ordeal. The dude would have kicked the bucket several times if not for his fellow prisoners.
Like the dude was "standing in the middle of the road like a deer in the headlights while the Nazi that are looking for you are patrolling" kind of useless.
Trench foot is a real thing and a killer
@@velphidrow Yeah, socks were precious commodity, especially during ww1. Trench warfare. You get gibbed by artillery, ripped to shreds by machine gun, or sit in hole for months and rot from the bottom.
@@Willqer I like to imagine a serious meeting where they are exchanging socks.
"These socks are thermal so your feet will always be warm."
"No their only up to the ankle not the whole shin."
_"...Permission to speak Commisar?"_
_"Granted Guardsman."_
_"Thank you for not shooting me in the head ma'am... Probably going to die from blood loss regardless, but still..."_
Rookie Guardsmen meets Necrons for the first time:
GM: "wait, the book didn't say anything about these things!"
*buddy gets desintegrated*
GM: "Oh God-Emperror, the book definitely said nothing about these!"
*an overlord appears*
GM: "...I'm beginning to think this book was a hoax.."
*the Flayed Ones appear*
Gm: "oh no..."
Just so you're aware, the Sandbags are empty, hence why you have an Entrenching Tool.
If anyone is wondering why Necrons are never mentioned in any of the Imperial Guard Primers: The Imperium intentionally keeps the existence of Necrons a secret from as much of the population as possible. This is due to Necrons being extremely rare to encounter, as well as the fact that they are _fucking terrifying_ and they don't want to weaken morale.
It's also that the Necrons COULD actually be kept a secret when these were printed in-universe (which after Szarekh's return isn't really the case anymore). 'Cause if the Imperium could keep shit like the Tyranids under wraps, it would. But keeping the UNENDING HORDE a secret is kinda hard.
The litany of the lasgun could be pretty terrifying to hear when it's sung by a chorus of millions of guardsmen which is followed by a sea of laser fire
I still have my 1st edition uplifting primer. Also funny story since the writers used the Army basic training manual for the primer. I used the primer for an inspection of my soldiers gear no one even noticed.
Sir, you are a legend. What military and branch are you serving at?
@@andreykuzmin4355 US Army Airborne MP
The sandbags are empty, they don’t weigh that much when empty. If you look at what a US solder gets issued that’s about the same amount of stuff, some of which just gets left in unit storage.
The taking care of your feet is super accurate. If you’ve been in a multi day hike and you don’t keep your feet dry you’ll suffer. Charging socks and stuff. On the low end there’s blisters and all that, and on the horrible end you have stuff like trench foot or jungle rot where fungus is rotting your feet off the bone. I could see it being a lot worse in 40k so makes sense.
If it wasn't for the FUCKING ASMR NIGHTMARE shy inflicted us, this episode would've been my favourite of all. Emperor's balls...
Only sentence is to release that 20 minutes of little guys
I'm stuck hearing that voice now.
That whole commissar asmr bit was just… I just couldn’t stop thinking “STOP FEEDING TZEENTCH IN MY GENERAL DIRECTION.”
Dear Imperium,
If the lasgun is the true weapon of a holy warrior, then why do the space marines use boltors?
Curious.
TurningPoint Cadia
Guardbased and creedpilled
Yes inquisitor this comment right here.
Because the Emperor himself gave the Astartes first dibs on a lot of weaponry, and while bolters in the Imperial Army were commonplace up to and during the Horus Heresy, the restructuring of the Imperial Guard and Navy also coincided with the executive decision that the bolter was not logistically practical for mass production on a galactic scale, and so the lasgun is now standard issue to the Imperial Guard and most PDF forces are actually banned from using it or any form of bolter.
Dear Unauthorized Guardsmen Newletter Agency,
Most patterns of boltgun has unfortunately been found to violently separate an unaugmented human from their arms. If you fill out the approrpiate requisite however, the Medicae will be more than happy to replace your arms with mechanical limbs (anasthesia not available due to resource shortages) to utilize the Weapon of His Most Holy Angels
P.S your illegal gathering has been reported to your local Commissariat and will be dealt with promptly.
Sincerely,
Administratum Adept 5T3V3-Steve
Don’t forget that the standard issue weapon for the Solar Auxilia used to be volkite. It’s my honest belief that if Belisarius Cawl had focused his resources on giving every guardsman a heat ray, Cadia wouldn’t have fallen. I know he can do it, but he won’t. Coward.
Catachan Devil is a fantastic guard book that has a good part at the beginning where it details the reactions of new conscripts with minimal training to the primer and then what the veterans tell them. And then their actual combat experience against Orks and Ork Kommando squads or da Sneaky Boyz.
"Knowing is half the battle."
"The other half is incredible amounts of violence."
*ogryn*: i kno tat part
The battle:
50% Knowing
25% Red lasers
25% Blue lasers
Commisar Alex Jones: “COWARD! I HATE you! I’m HUMAN, my heart’s BIG! This is what a human looks like! I’m COMIN’!
The platoon that replaced mine back in Afghanistan had a kid that kept falling asleep on post (guard duty basically). They kept punishing him and punishing him and he kept doing it. Finally he had enough punishment and shot himself. A couple of dudes in his squad ended up getting court martialed for it.
Why?
Was it their responsibility to wake him up?
@@THExRISER no, the Marine Corps determined that at least some of their punishments could be classified as hazing and that hazing had contributed to the sleepy kid killing himself.
@@wonderfred Oh you meant his superior officers, the ones that were punishing him, you said "dudes in his squad" so I assumed the regular Joes like him.
That makes more sense, they deserved it for pushing him too far.
@@THExRISER one was the squad leader and the other one was one of his peers if memory serves. Maybe they did deserve to be punished but sleeping beauty was putting everyone at risk in a no shit war zone. It was a complicated problem and there is a good bit more context than I haven't gone into but as my squad leader told me when I first got in country "sleeping on post is bad juju", bad things happen to those that do it.
@@wonderfred To be fair it's not like the guy kept sleeping on purpose, but yeah makes sense, it's not that simple.
The kind of energy I'm feelin' while reading along with them with my infantryman's handbook while they're reading through their own is something else entirely
P.s. feels like the guardsman version of a book club this is the only book they can read, this and maintenance books
That Mommysar bit awakened things within me
I'm now just imagining a Guardsman hiding behind a blown up Leman Russ tank, being bombarded by Necron Destroyers, and yelling "Where the FUCK was this in the Book!!!!!"
*flipping vigurosly* where the fuck is this bullshit, nowhere in this fuck is murder robots
*comissar shoots you on the back of the head* no swearing
You guys should do a special episode on regimental standard one day.
It's a official Warhammer newsletter that is made to look like a in universe guardsmen PSA program.
It's really funny and takes the propaganda from the uplifting primer amd turns it to eleven. An article can sometimes be covered in asterisks and redacted statements.
My favorite for Christmas (sanguinila in 40k) they gave each guardsmen a cut out of Sanguinius to hang from their lasgun, but if you cut outside of the dotted line you would be executed.
Regimental standard is comedy gold
The reason for all the daft rules is known in the British Army as "The squaddie" or general infantryman as they can, and do, break *everything*. Whether it is being used for appropriate or inappropriate purposes they *will* break it. I believe in the US military the phenomenon is known as "Private Schmuckatelli", the reason we don't have nice things and many, many apparently random rules.
Also on the topic of guardsmen vs orks? The Valhallans and Perlians know *exactly* what they are fighting and how to do it. They *volunteer* for that shit as they kinda don't like 'em much :D
The Imperial Infantry Man's Uplifting Toilet Paper.
Can't watch the premiere because I'm at work but I already know it's going to be absolutely hilarious.
„This Episode will be really bad! Watching it is *really* ill advised.“
The imperial infantry mans uplifting primer page 136.
Bless you for taking the "just a little guy bit" out shy, bless you
Glad I joined just at the right time to witness Commissar mommy ASMR live.
Please Please PLEASE animate that last bit with the "Surprised Guardsmen" bit of them just loosing their minds after being mislead by the book
Btw, the sand bags are literally just empty bags you fill with sand when you gotta place them.
You guys would be in awe of the sheer amount of shit we carried in the field (former US army, 101st Airborne). Honestly from what I heard you say and what I read for myself, the stuff the guard carry is not all that crazy tbh. Also the sandbags are common shit to carry actually, they're not full and are rolled up into about the size of a large burrito sized thing with a strap or tape keeping it rolled up. Funny thing is we always emptied the sandbags rather than cut them open, so we could reuse them.
As for the stuff about then taking note of what/who is where when taking over watch or a post is really accurate. When you take over a guard shift say in a foxhole or something, there's a range card that shows known or suspected enemy positions or possible cover they could use. You talk to the guy you're relieving of duty and he tells you what the local situation is.
Honestly kinda cool how similar this guide is to real life.
Also DO DARK ANGELS DAMMIT
And footcare is not that strict, it's an absolute deal breaker in the field. Can't walk=can't fight, can't run=can't avoid explosions. Trench foot and boot blisters are the WORST, especially together. Enemy vehicle, uniform, and unit type recognition is a huge thing too. If say, you are some young 20 something year old newbie and can't tell the difference between an Abrams, Leopard, or T-72 tank you might fuck up your own guys or allies. Knowing what type of unit insignia/uniform enemy infantry, scouts, armor, or other units use is critical to knowing what you're fighting. If I drop a Russian soldier and look at his uniform and see a zigzag arrow in a diamond, that's combat engineers. Red star with scroll and parachute? Airborne. So if an ork has blue or purple with crossed knives, he would likely be a Kommando nob.
Do Space Wolves!
they'll reset the clock!
@@henrypaleveda7760 That's Blood Angels.
@@gokbay3057 blood angels and he-who-must-not-be-named
Hey!
That's the book I used to read every night in the army. That book was in good condition in the army's own library which was shocking to me.
Other books were in bad condition.
It was nice to read and force others to read loudly eg. Prayers.
I even once read to our lieutenant a part about punishments and asked for opinions. He said, "Hey. That last one was pretty good. We could use it as a punishment for the tent's stove to go out and fail to maintain it".
29:30 - "Sand is not free, Guardsman! You must percure it on site or do without."
With trillions of planets with human civilizations, there must be a Games Workshop in one of those systems and they make mini figures of the 40k universe and constantly copyright strike other systems?
Well, it's been confirmed that Perturabo canonically had a side hobby of making tabletop miniatures and playing tactical simulations, so it's possible that some version of 40K exists for Astartes chapters, and maybe certain individuals of sufficient ranks and authority to know about all the xenos and everything accurately, like Guard generals, Navy admirals, and of course Inquisitors.
It's possible that certain versions of the game could exist amongst the nobility of some Imperial worlds, but likely a heavily censored version for the sake of Imperial propaganda, where all the enemies are ludicrously inaccurate and debuffed to hell whereas Guardsmen are made a lot better and something like a Space Marine, due to the religious cult of personality the Imperium props around them, would be more broken than even anything Matt Ward could have written in his wildest trips.
The iron warriors used some sort of war game as a leisure activity during the heresy
@@fadelsukoco3092 It's also in the Mechanicus game that Necrons play warhammer. I don't remember the exact description, but there's a room you can find that has large shelves of intricate miniature Necron troops as well as dice of various sizes and shapes
@@fadelsukoco3092 sounds about right, I mean the options are infinite
They did print a second edition that also comes with the Imperial Munitorum Manual. It's also no longer available but was released earlier this year.
Ah damnit
"My buddy got eaten by the hair squig! Don't listen to the book!"
I laughed so hard at this part!
Rule of 3 also covers some other things to, like 3 hours without shelter (death by exposure).
I have not even started the episode yet, but I wanted to add a fun fact! Games Workshop legitimately made an Uplifting Primer that they sold. I don't know how much of it they made or if it was limited edition or not, but it was the copy that those who were going to fight the Tau got and it was a complete in universe lore tome. Like this thing told you how to fight things, how to survive, and even they prayers you could pray. Plus all the Bureaucratic and Inquisitorial Paperwork and Censorship was on full display!
I won't lie, as the Imperial Guard was my first Warhammer Faction ever, I am so glad that I picked the Primer up at my local store!!!
They mention several times how this is a real book that was sold
@@velphidrow Word! I still haven't watched the episode yet and that's the main reason I wrote my original comment. Hell, to be fair, I don't know of anyone else in my area that has the book. I gather there are a few, but also, it just seems rare to me,
37:11 You guys may laugh at this section, but podiatric diseases have _long_ plagued militaries around the world: Trench Foot was an absolute _menace_ throughout World War I; and to highlight how severe similar shit was during the Vietnam War, _Forrest Gump_ has the scene where Forrest and Bubba meet their CO and Lt. Dan straight-up tells them that one of the most important things that they have to remember during their deployment, something that could very well determine whether or not they make it back home alive, is just keeping their socks dry.
I knew this would be here. So important to not die in the trench while waiting to attack.
Was hoping to find a comment like this, foot diseases can be really fucking nasty.
Depending on how high the "removal" takes place, you can bleed out in under a minute from just one leg being removed, so you're probably not gonna last multiple minutes, and you DAMN sure wouldn't be conscious of it
Sci fi medical tech 🤷♀️ the dark Eldar turn people in living furniture
@@leachofsouls 🤣 true, fair enough
The imperium would totally tourniquet every limb before chopping
@@leachofsouls ok I gotta hear about this
They can make it last though, starting with removing fingers and toes, one by one.
I have the version that has both the imperial infantryman’s up lifting primer and the munitorium manual. One of my favorite Warhammer things.
I swear DK would love to learn about the Angry Marines
I still have my old Black Book copy and yes it is still on my book shelf. Also, I was more surprised by Shy’s V-Tuber model than the Commissar, nice work on it.
Head canon, this once only had eldar and orcs, and was written by one of the primarchs for their brothers
Thank you shy for your merciful benevolence in cutting the small man bit
Penal battalion = "Death by firing line" with extra steps
The voice acting on the "comissar finding sleepin guardsman" -skit did something to me, and i ain't the same person that started to listen to this episode.
😴💪🙍♀️
Funny enough, there is a StarCraft "Field Manual" that has annotations in it by an in universe Marine pointing out propaganda and exaggerations in the book.
where is it and how can i find it?
@@henrypaleveda7760 The official name is StarCraft II: Field Manual. There are some new copies and used copies still on Amazon and the big name bookstores might have some as well.
"Machine Spirit forgive my actions, soon you shall be whole again."
- Litany of Unloading
The editing here was on point. It really ramps up the energy and fun of the podcast.
I would like to thank Shy for saving us viewers from the abundances of little guys this episode
A official Imperium manual book on how to be guardsmen and intel on Xenos aka emergency toilet paper.
The "Do not deface on pain of death" square often comes pre-smudged, either with a fingerprint, presumably from some Administratum/Munitorum worker responsible for quality checking, or just plain low quality of the Imperial mass-production printing press.
I own a copy of this book when they did a rerun of the work and I happened to find it at a Barnes and Noble of all places. Best 20 bucks ever.
Its a fairly common thing in the army to take care of your feet. If your feet are messed up, say with Trench Foot, then you can't march, you can't charge, you can't fall back, you are stuck. Taking care of your feet and changing socks frequently is something i've heard from people in every branch of the Armed Forces.
I wasn't expecting an episode on this. Time to recite the Litany of Diligent Listenership (try saying that three times fast) and learn all the essential knowledge a new guardsman needs.
during my PCS, this podcast made the drive way easier. Laughed in the car quite a bit. Thanks guys
I was a GW retail employee from 2003-08, and I have the black bound version kicking around somewhere I think. I wonder what my copy is worth?
Nothing.
Speaking of can I have it?
As a person who has a real life version of this book on my shelf I can say that it is pretty cool to have it and be able to skim it.
On the subject of taking care of your feet, it is a major thing in modern militaries. They don’t want soldiers to get foot issues, mainly trench foot which you can get extremely easily. On a 11 mile March we would swap out of socks 2-3 times. You don’t want sweat to build up in your boots, a real possible problem.
I feel like the Valhallan Ice Warriors would raise an eyebrow or two at the section on Orks.
I think DK should do an Detective Ridiculous episode on the Lake Bodom murders
or socal lady killer
Camp lake bottom was a good show
that ork being bayoneted looks like the rogue trader edition ork minis. which might make the size thing a bit of humorous easter egg, given that the RT minis are so much smaller than the later cadian plastics from when this book came out.
I finished Betrayer a few days ago and it was really good. I liked it so much more than First Heretic.
I was lucky enough to pick up a copy of the Damocles edition at a convention once. There are a couple of photocopied sticker jokes regarding the Tau as well.
"... something something highly advanced."
and
"... something something may be negotiated with."
Playing the little guy segment at 0.25x speed is exactly what I expected
The Tau sympathizer pic reminds me of the "Duke or a Dimwit" machines in BioShock Infinite
I would highly recommend reading the book 15 Hours by Mitchel Scanlon if your interested in seeing what it’s like as a raw recruit thrown into a war zone in the 41st millennium
TRUE GRIMDARK
The single most horrifying sequence of human indifference ever put to page. Because yes, those numbers do matter.
5:03- Thank you. Thank you Shy (I’m sorry if that’s not spelt right. I’m going off of someone else’s spelling from awhile ago and no one ever corrected him so….) for cutting out 20 minutes of what should only be a 30 second joke! It’s kinda like a song you loved when it first came out. But after all the stations played it about 40 times a day every day……… Yeah
Missed opportunity to call the Sisters of Battle only fans 'Only Faith'
I'd say the Sororitas would be visiting Bricky to begin the purgation in fire soon, but that would probably be threatening him with a good time.
Shy's influence grows every day and I'm here for it. Little Guys No More.
I was lucky enough to snatch one of these up when they reprinted them on a made to order basis (I think?) As a guard player, easily one of my favorite purchases from GW. Love reading from it for narrative games
Commissar, addressing a Catachan guardsman who fell asleep on duty: "If you were home, what would have happened to you? Don't answer me, just give it a moment's thought. Now consider, what is going to happen when I tell the rest of your unit about this? You have a choice Guardsman, you can take your lashes for failing to salute me, or I can tell the rest of the squad about this, the way I will if this were to ever happen again. Which do you choose?"
The punishment for falling asleep on post (in an active war zone) is still death. Most of the punishments written are just a step above what we do today in the military which helps the uplifting primer read like something actually real. Also like in real life your command (and most importantly the commissariat) have discretion in deciding punishment.
Also taking care of your feet is unironically the best piece of advice in this handbook
I hope you know that over the course of a few minutes you have made me understand and appreciate every dig shy has ever given you two, and yes that includes the goblin.
Good episode boys xD
The Commissioner Asmr Gives me Slaaneshi/ Dark eldar Vibes
Falling asleep during sentry guard is punished really REALLY hard irl too
And for the feet thing, it's also normal irl because you don't want fungi and gangrene. Marching for days with dirty feets, sweaty socks, and closed boots make your toes to rot
"Knowing is half of the battle". Oh,, I see, DK is doomed. :D
I wish you'd talked more about the section on Chaos and corruption. Chaos is largely supposed to be a secret in the Imperium, so I've always wondered how much they tell the Guardsmen about it.
Something I want to know: Did any veteran guardsman (or guardswoman) ever question why these booklets are still being printed? Not just the guardsmen, the commissars and generals, etc.
Do they all secretly agree that the primer sucks ass, but remain quiet about it because the thing is promoted by the propaganda ministry or whatever, and speaking out about it would get them killed?
It feels like that's the case, as the "joke" that it's merely toilet paper is so widespread. But wouldn't that eventually reach the propaganda department that would then flip their shit from hearing that?
Some things in 40k aren't meant to be taken too seriously
@@hammurabii.3173 "Since no newly assigned officer is keen on losing his entire regiment on their first deployment."
As much as people tend to jerk off the over-the-topness of Warhammer, it's nice to see some reasonable actions performed by commanding officers.
I remember that an offhand comment in one of the Ciaphas Cain series mentions that the Imperial Infrantryman's Uplifting Primer is great for a good laugh and not much else.